19gaiety

[19gaiety]

why do men only start to care when they feel or sense you drifting away

[19gaiety]

where do we draw the line between resilience and blatantly ignoring signs from the universe?

even though rejection is a redirection, the main challenge comes in finding the next direction

[19gaiety]

at the end of the day i just want to be with people whom i can truly be myself with. people who I feel loved with.

nothing new about this but yeah.

[19gaiety]

(by villahaven254)

[19gaiety]

if it brings u peace, cherish it

[19gaiety]

i keep forgetting, that i was never of significance to you

[19gaiety]

“Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain, it’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone”

— Unknown

[19gaiety]

realized i was so sad the whole time not because we were different, not because we were incompatible, not even because you didnt understand me, but because of the lack of effort in understanding me. the lack of effort in making it work. i wouldve dropped everything, and i did, myself included to make it work.

youll never get it, u never do

[19gaiety]

27 Feb 3:09am

Okay just came back from a ‘2nd date’ and bought moms ciggs w mom herself

Anyways it was less fun than the first time and I realize that the vibes are off ig. Quite embarrassing ah but at least now I know why people don’t trauma dump on their first date 😐😐😐😐 anyw the first date was rly fun la even if today sucked bc we were both tired. If no 3rd date I hope my heart is okay with it lol — I’m legit stucked in some sort of loop where I only hang out with guys who aren’t looking for anything serious

I keep looking for love in other people while claiming that I am not looking for anything serious or with commitment????? Damn sian eh to be like that hahaha. But I shall be patient with myself :’) I’m only seeking validation and I think everytime I do that I know what I’m doing and then I can’t exactly live in the moment??? I don’t know man

Aiya anyways he doesn’t see u in any romantic light and he alr said right off the bat he’s not looking for a r/s so stop playing with fire 😠 what happened to working on yourself because this was supposed to help u work on urself sia

Red flags so far:

- think people talking about stocks increasing in light of war is okay but admitted it is insensitive

- said the girl was obsessed w him

- HES FR NOT LOOKING FOR COMMITMENT

-from navy

- actually a lot mroe but whatever lah the fuck

I really built up way too much expectations and projected what I wanted sia cuz deep inside me I just needed the validation. Not the vibes I am seeking and not the vibes that will make me feel better

[19gaiety]

This makes me sad because years of numbing and feeling little to no anger — shows how little love I have for myself. And I really wish I nurtured it better. I guess having even a little anger is evidence that there is something to grow from, love for myself exists. There is love to grow. And I hope I take the time, to be patient with my growth and myself. Because I am worth it, I feel what I feel at the end of the day, no one’s feeling a certain way on my behalf?

But this also pin points how much love I have for myself depends on how much love the person I’m dealing with has for me, because I only show my anger to people who I already know loves me…

So it’s either I don’t really believe my dad loves me or I’m just so fearful of him that I simply swallow any anger.

What am I even angry at? Angry that he didn’t live up to my expectations? It’s starting to feel embarrassing, like I forced myself to feel something that wasn’t exactly there to begin with. I think it was only disgust. And some disappointment

Anyways, it’s unfair and unhealthy, to only express anger towards people who I know love me (links to my abandonment issues, because I feel like people will leave me if I was completely, unapologetically myself). Just because someone doesn’t love me, and in return I increase my anger threshold, doesn’t mean I was in fact treated fairly. I lower my expectations sure but what for, right???? Especially if there’s no bigger purpose like professionalism or whatever.

The cause of my self-doubt, self-sabotaging behaviour (e.g: playing mind games, ghosting people, fear of abandonment and getting too close but doing it anyway then backing out) it all stems from the lack of love I have for myself. I don’t know why I detest myself so much? Why do I use other peoples perception of me as my benchmark when I actually more likely have a much better gauge myself? Who’s to say their benchmark is the 1 to use??? I don’t know lah tbh

I hope I start doing things for myself, saying what I WANT to say instead of what I feel I should say. I’m tired of living for other people as immense as the pressure to do that is because I always thought if we didn’t get peoples approval that means I wasn’t lovable. Like there’s something fundamentally wrong. If I’m only changing so people will love me have I truly changed or have I gotten better at faking it?

I hope this year brings more authenticity, within myself and for myself :’) Please, please… to more actual, solid progress.

[19gaiety]

I am not an extension of that disgusting human being. This statement does not cancel out my gratitude for the roof, food and water he provides me with. It does not cancel out how I know he loves me, but sucks at expressing it consistently. But he is objectively, from my POV, a disgusting & hollow being. Fuelled by trauma and bad influence — life wasn’t easy many needs weren’t met. But it doesn’t excuse his actions, just explains it. I’m running out of sympathy already. I’m someone who actually didn’t register I was supposed to have certain expectations from my own dad because he has never gave me a benchmark so I guess the only thing that was consistent was his inconsistency in everything he provides me in the emotional realm. He is a liar, avoidant, prideful, shallow, stubborn and disappointing person. The only thing that makes me feel any form of regret for making the mental decision to drift is imagining his d*ath — and that’s so extreme. If I accept his behaviour, slowly and subconsciously I’ll start to accept it in other realms of my life. And I don’t fucking vibe with that. And I am not sorry about it. I will be strategic about it, but I no longer yearn for him to know me. I’ll do things out of duty and stop doing things out of Love. Maybe not forever. But for Now

[19gaiety]

Where does the performance end and you begin?

instagram | prints

[19gaiety]

I really do have a communication problem. I don’t communicate my needs or thoughts and my first instinct is to ghost, avoid or run away until things fade.

It takes a lot of energy to speak your mind but, they say it’s worth it, right? It’s crucial to get technical, specific and exact because avoiding doesn’t equate to solution. So if you care about the person, say what you think. Think thoroughly and be honest.

I feel like I’m not heard sometimes but I am also very unresponsive online. Maybe it’s cause I Wanna keep a distance ba

Heavy? Define heavy. A weight is definitely there, though. I hope i only miss you because I’m lonely and not because you actually impacted me in a way no one else in the same context could have. Finally made myself vulnerable for the first time and thank you for making me feel so stupid for doing that. My fault for pretending to be okay maybe, and as much as I am glad I see your true colours it still kinda stings that you were really acting like someone else for the 2 weeks. It fucking sucks - perfect analogy is me pumping a tire with my whole CHEST only to find out the tire just needed someone to close the hole that I didn’t even know exist? Ugh. Part of me is triggered and says fuck off but another part feels that I was a bad person for it. But youve never clarified anything with me. Guess u don’t owe me much but it’s the mental pull , I am exhausted

[19gaiety]

Simone de Beauvoir, from a letter to Jean-Paul Sartre (Paris, Sunday, 10 September 1939)

[19gaiety]

The difference between us is that I make time for you and you make me fill up ur free time for you

[19gaiety]

I’m excited to move on and move forward — I’ve lost count of how many times I promised myself to toss this aside and forget about you. To bidding goodbye to one-sided, unhealthy attachment

[19gaiety]

Cant wait for the day I stop checking for your name in my story views. Everytime I scroll to see your name I let out a laughter — hopelessness, hypocrisy and irony - an innocent act that honestly going against whatever I want to work towards. To be free of other people’s POV comments and opinions.

It’s so hard to help myself when I seem to suck at knowing what I really want. Little to none has ever approached me to genuinely listen to me and check up on me - most come with a personal agenda. I used to be okay with it and most of the time I guess I enjoy giving too. But do I still? Unsure if it’s just fear or ego holding me back or am I seriously learning to protect my own energy? What is the problem that I register?

- I get hurt when I don’t receive it in return