17achelois

[17achelois]

my last letter for you —

life has not been easy since you left. nothing has been the same and everything reminded me of you.

how have you been my love? are things going well for you?

i miss you. a lot. a small part of me wants to move forward and forget everything — forget you. but a huge part of me still believe that you’d come back and we’d be fine again, and that this is just a rough patch.

when you left, you took a big chunk of me with you. but i don’t blame you, & i never did. i choose to be in denial and believe that the universe has its way, and you’d come back.

your love felt like home. i was comfortable and my inner child felt safe around you. i never had to feel like i need to put my guards up when im around you, whenever im with you, im at my most vulnerable state. maybe thats why i kept wanting to make it work, despite it going downhill fast.

we had the perfect love story, until it wasn’t.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

its so unfair how you get to forget me so easily, while im here getting flashbacks of everything we used to do together. was any of it real?

[17achelois]

we were the perfect pair,

in the end, we were gasping for air.

we were the sun and moon,

i turned off the radio because it was playing our tune.

i looked into your eyes and found the universe,

as i sat there reminiscing about the past,

i cant help but to wonder what could’ve been with us,

i would’ve hugged and never let you go if i knew it was our last.

never in my life i would think of this pain,

is this what people meant when they say love is pain?

love is pain?

why must it hurt when it was supposed to be the most wonderful feeling?

thousands of words running through my mind,

not one can describe how much im hurting.

to live life filled with love,

and to turn over a new leaf,

may life continues with growth,

even if i have to experience extreme grief.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

today felt like one of those days where i get the urge to break no contact.

please look at the stars,

& tell me you can feel my longings,

months with no calls,

i wish you would tell me where you were going.

silence is closure,

but gossiping at 3am had always been our thing,

today i found my lucky clover,

if i tell u my wish, will i jinx it?

i got the urge today,

to break the no contact?

sat in the car forawhile and thought about all the excuses i could come up with to call u.

then i wondered what good will it bring, but i missed u. i dont care whats gonna happen, i want to hear ur voice. i missed u.

xx, q.

[17achelois]

#6

A reminder to self ;

Be more kind to yourself.

Forgive yourself.

As comforting as you think it is, Isolation is never the answer. Speak up and speak out.

Things does happen for a reason, although it hurts now, does not mean it’ll hurt forever.

Surround yourself with love and happiness.

Seek help when it’s getting too overwhelming. Everybody loves you more than you think they do.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

#5

Relapsing is okay. Relapsing is normal.

Just because you relapse, does not mean you’re back to square one. The healing journey is not linear, and you’re stronger than who you were in the beginning. Do not punish yourself for it.

What matters most is you.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

pov: my thoughts at 4am after a mental breakdown and CAS was on repeat.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

I don’t know where i’m going, but I hope I end up in a safe space where warmth and tender love is all it offers.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

#4

loving u was easy,

everything falls right into its place,

and the stories of us,

nothing and no one could ever top that.

we had a rough ending but that hasn’t stopped me from loving you,

giving u the world was all i could ever offer.

to me,

you’re more than just a lover,

you’re my bestfriend, my soulmate and my forever.

when time was rough, i would look up the sky and search for stars,

hoping you’re looking at them and think of me too.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

you’re the art behind my sculptures,

i think of you -

your beauty,

your soft tanned skin that shines under the sun.

every crevices of your body,

i took my time to appreciate every inch of it.

you hated your scars,

but i found stars.

i tossed a coin into the fountain,

while interlocking my fingers, i wished for eternal happiness,

and to living life ever joyous, far from any sadness.

xx, q.

[17achelois]

missed appointments,

mind getting hazy & heart getting heavier,

nothing has been the same since ur absence

but whatever, i’ll stay to see if anything changes.

pretty blue skies,

sun hiding behind the clouds.

stayed up all night trying to justify ur lies,

but the voices in my head is distractingly loud.

so what went wrong?

we were two perfect lovers,

but good things dont last long,

& i guess i’ll enjoy time until one of us says its over.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

What hurts me the most isnt when u decided to leave, but it was when u chose to spit hurtful words to me after u tell me u could see the whole universe in my eyes.

[17achelois]

zooted asl but i hope ygwim

this empty feeling,

does it stay for long? or is it just searching for a place to stay before it gets going?

even with all the colourful presence,

all i see is black and grey.

it doesn’t rain nor shine,

its just blue.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

Look at her,

her long brown hair that she calls as her “lover girl era hair”,

the uneven bangs that she decided to cut herself during a mental breakdown,

and her somewhat masculine choice of outfit.

You could tell that she’s on another planet,

considering that it’s her, she’s probably is.

Eyes are supposed to be the storyteller, but when i look into hers, i could tell that she’s traumatised.

Damn,

I hope she outgrow this phase.

5 years later,

she chopped all her long hair off,

she look different.

Radiant.

she’s definitely here on earth with the rest of us now,

she’s definitely living her life happily as she achieved her childhood dream last year.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

What is fear?

Is it the feeling you get in your stomach that makes you want to puke?

Or is it the shivers you get that makes you want to fall when you’re standing?

Fear? Why?

Phobias? Why?

Then came a presence that brings and spread warmth.

It differs from each person,

but for me, it was pouring my heart out.

Genuine love is what everyone needs,

And i for one, wants to be the reason someone believes that not everyone is a villain.

xx,q.

[17achelois]

[17achelois]

big brown wooden door with a golden knob,

it looks familiar, yet i couldn’t recall it.

as curious as one can get, i turned the knob and stepped inside.

i wasn’t sure what i was initially expecting, but it wasn’t this, i wasn’t expecting that it would take me back to the beach where we had our first holiday together.

at this point, a part of me hopes that i get to relive the memories we had together, yet another part of me knows it’ll be a bad idea as it won’t bring me any joy or even closure that i wanted.

But its my fantasy, my delusion.

The weather there was perfect, the wind was blowing & the trees are as if they’re waving to me.

I close my eyes to enjoy the moment and breathe the air around me, i could hear murmurs but the waves sound louder and it’s like music to my ears. It was peaceful and i was happy.

But not for long, as i could hear a voice calling out my name. I recognise the voice and it shattered me to pieces, i can’t bring myself to experience the pain ever again and so i left, without saying goodbye.

Who knows?

Maybe i’ll say goodbye next time, but for now, i’ll pretend that this never happen for my own sanity.

xx,q.

30/1/23