Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Text
Childhood-Present Recollections
things my lovely mother did:
1. She'd say I was “over dramatic” and that “I exaggerated way too much” if I cried after she’d yell at me. Now, it’s not like she merely raised her voice and all of the sudden I started crying. It took a while for fireworks to come in. She’d have to be on point with her cruelty that day.
2. Eventually I gathered the courage to point out her behavior in the midst of an argument. She’d either choose a topic to criticize me on or start crying like I hurt her but then she’d get angry and defensive. My goal every time though was NOT to cry because if we cried then she’d enjoy it and then she won.Â
2.A She would twist my words always. So if I said that something wasn't a big deal and that she didn’t need to respond with anger, she would claim that I was calling her crazy. Or that I was accusing her of being the “insane woman in the house”. The one “who always does everything wrong” or the “worst mom”
3. When we were smaller, she would favorite my sister when I defended or stood up for myself against her words. She would be nice to gaby (not toxically nice but pretending-everything-is-okay sort of nice) and then ignore me and give me a silent treatment. This wasn’t often,.
4. She’d throw things in fits of anger when she was already angry. Or if she dropped something and she picked it up but it fell again then it would set of her mood. She’d usually throw the item in anger. Ex. if she was holding envelopes and one fell and then the other my mom would grab all of them and smash them to the ground.
5. She hated spills. My sister and I have an inside joke whenever those paper towel commercials come on tv. The little kid always spills something and then the mom smiles, takes out her magical paper towel and wipes it up after hugging the kid. For us, the room would have gone silent and then my mom would get super super angry at the person responsible. Not upset, but angry. “Move over, I’ll clean it,” she’d say. It could ruin a good day or cause a bad start to a new one
6. She hates it when we sneeze. She says our names in angry tones.
7. I absolutely hated it when she’d ask me to go look for something that she needed whether it was in her room or closet. First, she’d give me like a silent time limit. If in that time I didn’t find it then it meant she’d have to get it herself. This meant that she’d march to wherever I was in fury, look for the item herself, angrily tell me how “I didn't look well enough” and how I never look well enough and that I expected everything to be given to me. The fact that I failed the mission would come with a speech where she’d pick apart my failure. This is where the phrase “if you're going to do something do it well or don’t do it at all.” I hate being told to go look for something because I know that if I don't find it then I've failed.
8. Our fights would usually be cleverly planned unless they weren’t. If they coincided with the time my father came home, then she would all of the sudden become silent as if trying to hide something. Or she’d tell me not to upset/bother my dad if I ever said I was going to call him because I didn't feel safe. If she thought that her argument lent towards her side she'd explain the subject matter in the calmest of terms as if she didn't; just spend hours making us cry.
8. A if my dad did see that we were miserable and confronted her, they'd get into big arguments. My mom would come out crying and threaten to leave the house because she felt no one wanted nor appreciated her. She told me many times straight up to my face that their arguments were my fault “because I was the princess of the house”
8.B I don’t think I ever told my dad in detail about her episodes. I felt like it would only cause more trouble between them
9. The things in our rooms that were not fixed according to her taste would get destroyed. If she felt like my closet was a mess (it indeed many times was messy) she would get angry and throw out every single piece of my closet onto the ground in a fit. I’d have to put it back togetherÂ
10) guilt us into things
11) Every argument she brought back the last 10 wrong things I did even if they weren't related.
12) She comes home looking for things to fault us on. She doesn't if we did our chores, but she'd come up with random things no one could come up with
13) “It’s just the way I am. I can't change it so deal with it”
14) She says I'm selfish and that I only think about myselfÂ
15) She never played outside with us. She never took us trick or treating. I even asked once about it and she said “it wasn't her thing”. She’d take us to these parks that were out of town. I remember feeling happy but it was an uncomfortable type of happiness. (3-5 times)
16) Now she chooses to deny my depression and anxiety disorders because “they’re invisible”. When I did open to her, she threw it back in my face and threatened to call 911 if I was a danger to myself. She got angry that I am not feeling well and asked what I had to complain about.Â
17) If I'm not happy then she gets upset at me. She responds with anger and frustration it’s almost like I'm insulting her
18) Yelled at me when I was younger for scraping my knee when playing with my boy cousins. She held that moment against me
19) blamed me for making her own sick mother upset
85 notes
·
View notes
Text
8/17/18
I just feel bad because there are days when she genuinely tries. She makes those efforts to connect with me over little daily things, but the effort is still there. I think she just wants to be unconditionally loved but in the scheme of all things, who doesn't want that at the very core? Isn’t unrequited love a very sad thing to fear? And even though in my head caving in and accepting her love is like a sign of forgiveness for whatever happened before, what do I get for denying it if I'm full of regrets at the end of the day? How can I be so cruel?Â
What if I'm just so used to things going well with very little face-to-face conflict in my daily life that when it comes to her behavior it just seems really awful to me? Sort of like if one spends their life applying SPF 75 sunscreen everyday, but once in a while they forget to so when they come back from being in the sun they get a mild, harmless tan nothing serious, but because they’re not used to it it seems like a 3 degree burn?Â
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
MADÂ thoughts 8/17/18
Now I'm anxious about the role and importance you have in my life. During our 11th session, right towards the end, you took out your phone and I'm assuming you started looking at your calendar because we were on the topic of when I started school to which you responded “Oh we still have some time left”. You then mentioned “twenty four” and it looked like you were thinking really hard and doing some calculations in your head. Were you already planning of when my time under your expertise was going to end? Right in front of my salad? I know you said that we should be done by “the end of the year or on to early next year”.Â
At first, I was cool with that but that was before we touched on any of the really, really personal stuff. However, now that I literally told you the most personal thing in the world, I'm afraid I'm going to get motherly attached to you. I don’t want you to become a safe place. I don't want my sessions to become some sort of escape from the cruel reality under my mother’s wrath that give me a false illusion that everything will be okay, but then it’s not right after our sessions ends. I don’t want to be under your forever, but I don’t want to get temporarily attached either. But in order to open up to you, I have to let you inside, but how do I do that when its about to end?When you sat right in front of me and planned the end already? Were you calculating your vacations? Did the initial date of termination  you gave me have a lot of “rain check days” included or “filler” days?
Is the fact that I’m already typing this post an indication that I'm way too late too deep? I’m also struggling to find the balance here between entrusting you and then going against my family. You are just some random expert who I pay weekly to give a 70 minute shit about me whereas my family deals with me pro bono. I mean, I have to contribute and stuff but when their worry about me it comes from a personal place, not a business one.
I just don't want this to go down ugly. I am in a very vulnerable place right now and I cannot handle any more family stress other than the usual family one. I just need to graduate and leave forever away. You’re just there to workout my weekly nonsense, not actually rearrange my whole life. I mean, you started to already. I haven’t been able to look my mom straight in the eye since I read that page on the Personal Bill of Rights. I’m probably just overreacting and being dramatic, as usual. I don’t want to trash talk the woman who loves me in her own way
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
8/17/18-2nd time opening up
My mom noticed my depressed mood today and finally said something about it towards the end of the day. Me, being the dumb ho that I am, decided to open up to her for the 2nd time. Big Mistake. She kind of attacked me. She asked me, in a condescending tone, “What do I have to be depressed about? You are healthy, you have all your limbs, you have a family, I know we don't live in a palace but what do you have to complain about? If only you knew the problems your dad and I have”. This was her response after I opened up to her about some of what has been going on in my head.
I then brought up the topic of my sister and how she’s been handling her ADHD. I told her that I felt like she was more patient and involved with gaby’s. She told it’s “because hers is more physical/visible”. Which was like WOW because my biggest fear is that it’s all in my head and that I'm going crazy. By this point in the conversation I was already tearing up because it hurt.Â
Then, I confronted her and told her that she never even bothered to ask me what I needed when I opened up to her the very first time. She then told me she was just frustrated because she felt helpless and like she couldn’t do anything. I told her she could begin by asking what I needed and by not acting frustrated every time I attempted to open up to her and that she could listen to what I had to say and to express that frustration not in front of my face because then I felt guilty for telling her. Plot twist: she actually listened to me BUT then it backfired because my mother pulled out her imaginary phD in clinical psychology and began to psychoanalyze me.
She said something about how it’s all in my head and that I needed to snap out of that mentality. She suggested if I needed to spend time in Mexico, Costa Rica or El Salvador and that she’d be” more than happy to send me there”. I told her that I didn’t want the rest of the family seeing me like this but she kept pushing the idea. She then told me that she was “going to call 911 because you can’t keep living like this. You need to talk to someone right now. This behavior is not okay.” She repeated calling 911 like 3 times (was she calling me crazy for talking about my feelings?). I begged her not to because I was not thinking about suicide. I think she just wants to get rid of me, and I don’t mind because I want to get rid of me too.
She then tried to relate to me and mentioned that when she was young her and her friends went through some tough things but that they continued with their lives and enjoyed them. She said that she was doing her very best in dealing with me and that all she wanted was to spend a nice day but that I was in a bad mood. (Did I ruin it? “You’re turning like your sister”, “I must be the world’s worst mother”). She tried to make me feel better/worse by waving in the air all of these contradictions. I told her I was afraid of being a failure in her eyes and she said I didn’t have to be perfect. LIES. She said it was okay to make mistakes. LIES. She always says this and holds them against me later. I told her I was tired of this conversation and that I was going to go inside. She said she was going to stay in the car and started crying.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
if only i could lose weight like i lose friends
246K notes
·
View notes