#uncle!tommy miller

[toxicanonymity]

stuffing.

5.7k words, Joel x f!reader x Tommy | sequel here! A/N: ONE SHOT. I had to get this out of my system after that one Uncle Tommy line I wrote in september lol. Shoutouts to: @bonezone44 for being an Uncle Tommy stan, @walkintotheriveranddisappear for running the center for dvp excellence, and everyone who's been supportive. 🖤 Fic recs at the bottom. WARNINGS: I8+, big girthy age gap, darkish miller bros, dubcon (coaxing/pressure, you aren't sure what Joel allows), use of "daddy," sharing, unsafe p in v (individually and together), oral, jacking off, creampies, cucking, MFM, DP (double vag), light degradation, praise, pet names, foot massage. AU where you don't overthink this fic. You’re happy with Joel, but it’s not a healthy relationship with clear communication and boundaries. Joel carries reader. TW: incidental incest via MFM/DVP - If this isn't for you, please quietly move along.

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Joel squats down with one hand on the back of your chair. He admires your face then cups your cheek. “Gotta do somethin’, baby. Won’t be back tonight.” The casual announcement makes your heart race.  He kisses you on the forehead, then stands up. 

“What do you mean you won’t be back tonight?”

“It’s okay, baby. Uncle Tommy’s gonna stay with ya.”

Your face gets hot. Tommy tilts his head down and smiles at you from across the breakfast table. He raises his glass of juice in acknowledgement, but you don’t look at him. You look squarely at Joel, caught off guard by his plans.

“Daddy,” you whine. “Just lemme come with you.” 

“Ain’t that kinda trip, darlin’.” 

“Why can’t he do it?”

Tommy laughs silently and his voice goes up an octave. “What’sa matter, sweetheart? Don’t wanna hang out?” He tilts his head and smiles, then his normal voice returns. “That’s okay.” There's a glimmer in his eye. 

Joel grabs his jacket and kisses you goodbye, then says, “Don’t have too much fun without me,” and winks at Tommy. Then Joel's gone, just like that. Your tummy feels nervous as his truck starts, then drives away. 

-

It's Thanksgiving week. You have a lot to be thankful for. Joel loves you and takes good care of you. You have solar power and a nice farm with a secure perimeter. Tommy is visiting for the holiday. You met Tommy in passing long ago, but his girl at the time was with him, and that was before you were Joel’s. You were just the girl down the street. This week is the first time you've really spent time together. 

Joel would kill any other man for touching you, but apparently he's different about Tommy.  You're still figuring out how that works.  Joel doesn't seem to mind what Tommy sees–or feels–when the three of you are together.  But what about when you're alone? 

Does Joel know Tommy walked by the bedroom window and saw you undressing? Does he know Tommy came to apologize for that when you were fresh out of the shower, and saw you in a towel? Or that he looked you up and down, asked if Joel was treating you right, then gave a low whistle and adjusted himself before he left? Or that you touched yourself almost as soon as he closed the door?

*******

Last night, Joel put you in Tommy's lap in the armchair to give you a foot massage, and you tried not to react when Tommy got hard. “It's ok,” Tommy whispered with his hands on your hips. He pulled you back against his hard bulge with a soft grunt and it gave you a shock of desire. 

“It's ok, darlin,” Joel echoed, kneeling at your feet. Joel placed your heel on his own hardening package as he worked on the ball of your foot. 

Tommy's hand cupped your breast and you tensed. 

Joel glanced up. “Relax, baby. It's just Uncle Tommy.” 

“It's ok,” Tommy whispered again into your hair as his other hand crept up your thigh, higher and higher, until his thumb grazed your panties. Joel continued massaging you, unbothered, then switched to the other foot. 

Tommy's thick fingers glided over your panties and you twitched as he felt the dampness. He lifted his hips with a soft grunt, then cleared his throat.  “gonna take care of your girl tonight, Joel? She's drippin’ like a faucet.”  Your cheeks burned, and Tommy ran his hand down your thigh. 

Joel smiled with half his mouth as he glanced up. “makin’ a mess already?” Joel shook his head.  “Close your legs, darlin'.” 

Your stomach dropped and you stammered, “sorry, uh . . .”

But as soon as you closed your legs, Tommy lifted your dress up, making your whole body tingle with goosebumps. Joel’s face gave away nothing as he looked past you at Tommy.  For a moment, you thought Tommy had gone too far. Then Joel hooked his fingers into the waistband of your panties, and Tommy held you back against his chest as Joel slid them off. Joel spread your knees, and Tommy's, and knelt between them, closer. 

With his armpits resting over your thighs, Joel looked at your cunt hungrily and spread you open with his thumbs. You tilted your hips for him, feeling yourself gush. “Good girl,” he murmured, then planted his right forearm on your lower belly. With his right fingers pointing down, he ran them through your dripping folds, then drew in a deep breath through his nose before bringing his mouth between your legs. 

Joel lapped at your weeping hole and sucked your clit. He fingered you and made out with your cunt like it was just another night, like he was getting ready to fuck you. Meanwhile, Tommy lightly grinded into your ass, breathing warm and wet into your hair and holding you gently in his strong arms as Joel devoured your pussy. Tommy rocked you gently on his lap, rocking you into Joel’s mouth. Joel ate you out at the same rhythm.  When you came, Tommy’s arousal pressed harder against you and he grabbed your breast. He cooed, “good girl.”  

Joel didn't seem to mind, and it felt really good, but you got self conscious after you finished. Tommy caressed your arm as Joel wiped his mouth off. “I'm sleepy, daddy,” you looked at him with big eyes.

Joel looked at you fondly, squeezed your thigh, and said, “I know, darlin’. Give Uncle Tommy a kiss goodnight.”  You turned around and kissed him on the cheek, then mumbled “goodnight” without meeting his eyes. 

—

Joel scooped you up in his arms. You went to bed with Joel and only Joel. As soon as he laid you down, you asked, “you're not mad about Tommy touching me?”

“Felt good, didn't it?” 

You gave a small nod. 

“Nice havin’ four hands.” Joel raised his eyebrows and left it at that. 

You eyed the protrusion in his jeans. “I'm comin’, baby,” he reassured you as he unzipped them. He pulled his jeans and boxers down together and his massive erection sprang free. He prowled across the bed, settled between your legs, and you raised your knees, tilting your hips for him. “Good girl,” he whispered as he got himself into place. 

“God damn, even wetter now,” he muttered as he gathered your slick on his fingers and wiped it on his stiff cock. His tip prodded your dripping hole, then he pushed inside with a sigh, making you moan as he split you open. Joel bottomed out, and the sound that came out of his chest was somewhere between a grunt and a groan, “Uungghh.” You whimpered in pleasure. Then, through the thin wall, you heard Tommy cum with a deep moan. Joel chuckled, then bowed his head and kissed you, pausing all the way inside. 

Joel kissed you softly as he buried his length in you, and your lips broke away only to whimper, “Daddy.”

“Yeah, baby doll,” he whispered into the pillow, right by your ear. “Daddy’s here.” You wrapped your legs around him as he fucked you deep and slow. You imagined Tommy lying behind you, grinding against you, whispering “good girl,” copping a feel as Joel fucked you.  You moaned and whimpered under Joel as he brought you to the brink again.  Then, as your wet little pussy fluttered around his cock, he groaned and bottomed out to fill you with his seed. 

**********

Now it’s morning, Joel's gone, and you're left alone with his brother. His brother with the sweet smile, soft voice, and big dick that felt so hard against you. Don't have too much fun without me, Joel said. . . With a wink.   Unsure what to do with that, you avoid Tommy for most of the day, and he doesn't make you hang out with him. He works in the yard and you catch a few glimpses. He gets hot and takes off his flannel, exposing his wifebeater and oversized belt buckle. As he dabs his forehead with his shirt, his bicep swells and the veins on his hand bulge.

Tommy comes in and takes a shower in the other bathroom. There’s a knock on your bedroom door, then it opens. You’re not sure why you didn’t lock it. Tommy’s wearing jeans, boxers, and nothing else. Your eyes linger on his strong chest. He leans with his hand against the door frame. “Think Joel would let me borrow a shirt? Wasn’t plannin’ to work up a sweat,” he chuckles. 

Tommy crosses his muscular arms over his thick, bare chest as you get a white t-shirt out of Joel's dresser and toss it to him. Tommy’s jeans ride down as he lifts his arms and puts the shirt on in front of you. He catches you looking as his head comes through the hole, then he rakes his fingers through his curls. A subtle smile forms, his eyes twinkle, and he gives you a little nod before he walks away. 

—

Later, you're taking a bath. You sigh as you sink into the water. Then there's a click as the doorknob lock is effortlessly picked. The door opens and Tommy smiles at you with his eyes, biting his bottom lip. He closes the door behind him. The tub squeaks as you quickly pull up your knees to cover your breasts. 

“Musta been touchin’ yourself, huh?” he chuckles as he approaches the tub. “Don't stop on my account.” He winks and his eyes fall on your legs. You scooch them closer together in case he can see through the bathwater. 

Your chest feels warm. You look down and away.

Tommy takes a seat on the tiled floor in front of the garden tub. “C’mon sweetheart, don't be shy.” his arm moves out of view, unbuttoning his jeans. Your nipples harden. He tilts his head to peek from the side and smiles. 

“What do you want?” you ask softly and a low squeak echoes as you shift in the tub. 

“Wanna see ya do it. Go on, finish what ya started.”  

“I wasn't.”

“There's no shame in it, sweetheart”

You swallow and look down.

He studies your face and repeats, “Nothin' to be ‘shamed of. You know that. Right?”

“Tell your brother that,” you whisper and instantly regret it. You pinch your eyes shut and add, “No, don't. . .Please.”

“Oh shit,” Tommy whispers. “Ya can’t, can ya?” 

You barely shake your head, eyes still closed. 

Tommy chuckles. “Controlling fucker, ain't he?” 

You look at Tommy and your eyes widen with some defiant glimmer of hope. “God damn,” he whispers. “keepin’ his girl from touchin’ herself.” He looks down and shakes his head in disapproval.  

He smiles apologetically.  “Guess Daddy knows best, huh?” He tugs his jeans off, and you watch unabashed.  As his pants come off, his boxers ride down, exposing his short, dark pubic hair. You can’t help but admire the way his thigh muscles swell out from his boxers.  

He palms himself over the fabric and raises his eyebrows. “Wanna see it, don’t ya?” He smiles knowingly at you. 

You don’t answer. He shows you anyway, pulling the waistband down under his balls. He's neatly trimmed and his balls are big. He's engorged but not fully hard. 

“Do me a favor and spit in my hand, sweetheart.” He holds it out in front of you. You look back and forth between his eyes, then his freckles. He's a handsome man. His hand stays there, waiting patiently. You gather saliva in your mouth, tilt your head forward, and let it drop into his palm. 

“Good girl,” he murmurs. 

He wraps his hand around his cock and You look into the bath water as his eyes devour your body. In the corner of your eye, you can see him at full mast. He breathes heavier, then moves positions. He sits with his right side against the tub, facing you. He strokes himself with his left hand and dips his right hand into the water. You flinch away then try to relax.  The backs of Tommy’s fingers graze your calf under the water. You squeeze your thighs together. 

“Don't get shy on me now, cupcake.” He reaches behind your calf and touches the back of your leg, near your ass.  Your legs involuntarily part.  He wouldn't do anything Joel wouldn't like. Would he? Somehow the tension of the situation is only making you want it more.  His fingers creep between your legs and caress your inner thigh crease. He sucks in a chest full of air, then gets on his knees. He brings his left hand to your mouth again for lube. 

“Good girl.”  The squelch of his hand around his cock echoes with the new moisture.  He searches your face as half his mouth breaks into a smile.  He holds your inner thigh as he jacks off. Then he straightens your leg so he can see your body better. “God damn,” he murmurs, and the sound of his voice is sharpened by the tile. He rubs your thigh, spits into his other hand, keeps tugging at his cock, then when he's close, he gets up and sits on the edge of the tub. It’s impossible not to look at his stiff, angry cock, glistening with your combined saliva. You still have one knee bent above the water–the knee furthest from him. 

He pumps himself and stands up to face you. “You wanna know how I taste?” He asks. 

You hesitantly shake your head no, unsure if it would be crossing a line.  “Okay, sweetheart. Don't have to.” He aims his cock at the water over your lap, then closes his eyes and groans. “Ohh, God. ohhhh,” it lands sharply in your ears as he erupts. Silky ropes of cum dance in the water, some of it wrapping around your thigh. When he's finished, he pulls his boxers back up, then his jeans, but doesn't zip them up. He sits on the edge of the tub again, leans over it, and kisses you on the forehead. Then he whispers in your ear, “I'll make dinner.” 

—-

You eat together at the kitchen table. There's a cornucopia centerpiece.  The scant conversation is about winter and gardening, until he reaches  under the table and squeezes your thigh. You want him so bad, you blurt out, “what’s happening?” 

He replies, “Huh?” with his hand still on your thigh. 

You search Tommy’s face. “You said it yourself, he’s controlling.” You shift in your chair and he takes his hand back. You continue,  “Why doesn’t he care if you. . .” 

“Ah,” Tommy smiles down at his plate. “Well. . .”  He turns his chair to face you instead of the table. He sits back and manspreads, and his hands rest on his thighs. “I’m just another body to love ya with, sugar.”  His eyes drift to the cornucopia. “And I sure am thankful for it.” 

His eyes return to you, and your heart flutters. 

“He can love on ya when he ain’t here, even.” One of his hands slides up his own thigh to rest closer to his groin. He takes in a deep breath through his nose and nods, admiring you as he slowly exhales. His eyes are darker. 

A desperate want is stirring in your belly. It seems too good to be true. You abruptly announce, “I’m tired. I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Okay, cupcake. C’mere,” Tommy opens his arms. 

You stand between his legs, bend forward, put your arms around his neck and kiss him on the cheek.  As you pull your head back, his hands on your hips pull you into sitting on his thigh. He brings a hand to your cheek, and it melts you. “I wouldn’t do nothin’ he wouldn’t want,” he reassures you.

You nod. 

“End up on the wrong side of the dirt,” he chuckles. When you don’t laugh, he clarifies, “Me, not you. He’d never hurt ya, cupcake.” 

Then he cradles your head with both hands, studying your eyes and lips.  He wets his lips, and your lips part, watching him. Half his mouth twitches. You’re warm all over. He leans in and looks at your mouth again, getting closer. When you can practically feel the heat of his lips on yours, you close the gap and feel a rush of need when your mouths come together. His lips are soft, and the kiss is tender. You pull away after two seconds. 

“Goodnight,” you whisper. 

—---

You lie in bed missing Joel, wishing he would come home.  You feel more at ease with the two of them.  Your mind drifts to Tommy.  At this rate, you wish he would stay.  You’re almost asleep when the bedroom door creaks open. 

“Daddy?” When you turn over, the moonlit silhouette is Tommy's. He's only wearing boxers and there's already a tent in them. He lifts the covers, and the mattress dips under his weight. 

You ask, “What are you doing?”

“'S’okay, cupcake, I told ya. Promise he won’t be mad.”

“How do you know for sure?”

“Your daddy and I been sharin’ our toys for fifty years.”

Your stomach turns, but Tommy adds,  “You're the most special of all, ya know.” He scoots closer. “Never seen him in love before.” 

You feel your body warming and opening up for him. 

“He wants ya to get what ya need, baby,” Tommy whispers. 

Your heart pounds. 

“Even told me your secret word,” Tommy adds. 

“He did?”

“If ya really want me to stop, all ya gotta say is Appleseed.” How would he know that unless Joel told him? 

You turn away from Tommy and he doesn't waste any time before spooning you. His strong arm rests over you and his hand cups a breast. He kisses your neck, soft and wet. The thick, warm rod in his boxers grazes your lower back as he tongues your delicate skin. He kisses your neck with increasing passion, and he kneads your breast.  Then his arousal fully presses against you through his boxers and your nightgown.  

He curves his body around you and pulls you back into him. He sighs and his engorged cock twitches against your crack, giving you a surge of desire. He slides his hand into your nightgown from the top to palm your naked breast and sighs as he grinds against you.  

“God damn, sweetheart,” he whispers as your nipple hardens against his palm. He takes his hand out of your nightgown and cups your breast on top of it again, then his hand slowly slides down your sleepwear, feeling every inch of your torso before arriving at your bare thigh. He nudges his fingers under the hem of your nightgown and slides his hand up your thigh. When his hand reaches your pussy, your top leg lifts ever so slightly, spreading your thighs to make room for him. You're not wearing underwear. 

“Good girl,” he whispers.  You’re aching to have him inside you. “Drippin’ for me ain't ya, baby?” 

He circles your clit, and you moan softly. There's a wet spot on his boxers pressing into you.  “Fuck” he mutters and backs up his hips. “Damnit, I’m drippin’, too,” he chuckles. “Takin’ these off.” 

After taking his boxers off, Tommy hovers over you and you’re still on your side. Tommy's hand comes back to your breast, and you turn your face toward his.  Your lips meet, and after two seconds, you don’t pull away. His lips push yours open and you accept his tongue. You breathe through your nose as he licks into your mouth.  

Tommy pulls back and reads your face, then gives you another soft kiss before settling in behind you, against you, curled around you again. His naked cock is smooth and warm against your ass. He grinds against you for a minute as he massages your breast and moans into your hair.  Then his hand drifts down between your legs and he groans at how wet you are. 

“I gotta be in ya, sugar.” Tommy backs up and wedges his rigid cock between your thighs, and it glides smoothly through your mess of arousal. His tip reaches your clit. You’re throbbing needily. Your hips tilt on their own, offering him your hole. 

“Fuck,” Tommy says as his tip finds your entrance. “Fuck. That’s right, baby.” he pushes his tip into you. You're dying for it, but you're still a little tense and it's making you even tighter. 

“God damn, you feel good. Can't imagine when he first–.” He pushes into you, trying to let your body relax and accommodate his girth. “Oh shit, mmm–that musta been–Fuck.” He pushes a little further. “Relax for me, baby.” He withdraws some then thrusts further into you.  “Relax, sugar,” he whispers. “Just breathe.” You take a deep breath and relax. The last of him slides in and he bottoms out.  “Ohh, good girl. There we go.” He palms your breast and you melt into him.  “We’re right here, baby.” 

He’s got you speared on his cock, spread apart by his girth. “God damn. What a good girl.” 

With his cock fully sheathed, his thick fingers rub circles on your nipple.  You moan, twitching around the new cock buried in the hot center of your body. “Mmm,” he growls into your hair, still not moving. You need friction. He breathes deeply. “breathe with me, baby.” You breathe with him and feel yourself relax more. 

“Please,” you whine, beginning to move your hips. 

His voice is husky. “God damn. Look at ya, sugar. Fuckin’ yourself on Uncle Tommy’s cock?”

“Please,” you whimper again. 

“What's your daddy gonna think?” 

Your walls twitch and your heart skips a beat. “You said–”

“Yeah. . .He'll be fine, sweetheart..” Tommy begins to move his hips. “He’d be proud’a ya, takin’ this cock like such a good girl.”

He begins to fuck you at a steady rhythm, breathing heavily and cursing softly. You begin to relax with his hand mapping the front of your body, and his stiff cock thrusting into you. He palms your tit again and your head tilts back against him. He kisses your neck, and your body opens for him even more. Your cunt swallows him up with every thrust. 

“Ohh, Joel's a lucky man,” he pants with his dick easily sliding into you, making you whole. “Shit, I'm lucky, too–uggh.”  You push back on him as he fills you with his stiff cock. 

He asks, “Little harder?” 

“Mm,” you nod. 

He slams into you and you moan. 

“Yeah, that's our girl.” 

Soon, you’re lost in the pleasure of Tommy’s thick cock pounding you. 

The front door unlocks and you freeze. You’re both facing away from the bedroom door.  “‘S’okay,” Tommy reminds you. He slows his hips, then bottoms out and pauses. “C’mere,” he wraps his arms around you and with his cock still inside, he rolls over on his back, then sets you down on your other side, arms still wrapped around you, his cock only sliding out half way in the process.

As soon as you’re settled, he bottoms out again with a soft moan.   You and Tommy are both facing the bedroom door now. The covers are down around your waist. The handle moves, then the door opens. The silhouette is Joel with his sleeves rolled up. 

—---

As Joel approaches the bed, the moonlight hits him and his face is dark. 

“She’s so good, Joel,” Tommy pants, with you still full of his cock.

Joel comes to the bed and crouches down. “God damn.” Joel gently takes your jaw in his hand and tilts his head. He studies your face, then his eyes land on yours affectionately. “Couldn't go one day, could ya?” He smiles with his eyes and relief washes over you.  

“M’sorry daddy,” you sigh. “Are you mad?”

“No, baby.” Tommy is fucking you slowly. “I ain't mad.” Joel slowly stands up and palms himself over his jeans as he watches your body move to the slow rhythm of Tommy’s thrusts. 

“Really?”

“Baby, I keep ya stuffed so full’a cock. .  . can't blame ya for needin’ it.”

“Yeah,” you whimper. 

“That's what Uncle Tommy's here for,” Tommy whispers. 

“Now I get to see ya,” Joel says “All of ya,” Joel gently pulls the covers all the way off. Then Joel tugs up at the hem of your nightgown and kneels down to take it off you. 

You try to move forward, reaching for Joel, but Joel puts his hand on your bare chest and Tommy pulls you back, bottoming out again with a moan. 

“Want yours,” you whimper.

“Shhh. You're gonna get it.” 

You watch Joel take off all his clothes, and as he does it, he watches you moving at a slow rhythm.  When Joel’s naked, he spits in his hand. He stands by the bed watching you get fucked by his brother, taking in the view as he squeezes his cock. 

“Daddy, please,” you whine. 

Joel sits down on the bed.  Tommy scooches back to make more room and brings you back with him, still impaled on his cock. Joel lies down and faces you. He gets right up against you, and the first thing he does is kiss you. His hard cock lays against your clit and mound, throbbing for you.  You moan into his mouth as Tommy’s cock drags slowly inside you from behind.  

Joel’s arm wedges between your back and Tommy’s chest, grabbing hold of you.  Joel nudges you upward. Tommy takes the hint and pulls out. You wrap your leg over Joel’s hip. His eyes scan your face, marveling at your feral want. Joel’s hand, still on your back, slides down your ass and hooks under it, between your legs, feeling your sopping wet cunt from the back. “God damn, baby. This all you or did Uncle Tommy cum already?”

“Not yet,” Tommy answers. 

Joel’s tip slides through your folds, then he pulls back  and notches himself at your entrance. He moves his hand to your hip, and pushes into you with a sigh. You're so wet and aroused, he sinks all the way into you.  “Fuck,” Joel breathes. “oh, yeah—ugghh–swallowed me right up, baby.” He marvels at how relaxed you are. With Joel’s arm out of the way, Tommy’s tummy returns flush against your back, with his hard, wet cock pressing against your ass cheek. He grabs your tit. 

Joel buries his cock in you. “Oh baby, you love this, don’t ya?” 

You nod. “Love your cock, daddy.” 

“You’re takin’ it so good, baby.  Think you’re wet enough for—ohh, darlin’.” He grinds against you, deep inside you. “You wanna ride this cock, baby?” 

You nod.  Joel slides out of you and you whimper at the loss as he rolls onto his back. Joel lies face up and holds his cock for you. He whispers, “C’mere baby,” but you're already on your way. 

You straddle him and sink right down on him with a whimpered, “daddy,” then bend forward, putting your tits against Joel’s chest. Tommy’s slowly stroking himself and watching. 

“C’mere,” Joel whispers and reaches for your head. He pulls your face into his for a passionate kiss as you grind into him with his cock buried in you. It only takes a few seconds of grinding into Joel for your walls to spasm. 

“Oh god,” he mutters as you contract around him.  “oh—oh, God, baby.” 

As you finish coming on Joel's cock, your whole body relaxes. You’re even wetter and more open than you were before. “Now you’re–oh yeah, you’re good,” Joel whispers to himself with his hands on the backs of your thighs. You both breathe for a moment and you begin to slowly move again.

Joel licks his finger then reaches over your ass, his hand approaching your hole from behind. You stop moving as he gently wedges the thick digit into your cunt from the top so his fingernail is against his cock. “Yeah,” he whispers, moving the finger around, checking how much you'll stretch. “Yeah,” he says as his head turns and he glances at Tommy. 

Joel cups your cheek  and reads your face. “Can I fuck ya with two cocks, baby?” 

You spasm with an aftershock.  “It won't fit,” you protest, but the thought of it turns you on. Your hips begin to move again. You're taking his cock and his finger. 

“Can we find out, baby doll?” Joel asks.

You slowly move on his cock and finger, with your face close to his. Your clit is throbbing.  “You aren't worried to stretch me?”

“You'll snap right back, baby,” Joel pants as he wedges another finger in with his cock. 

“I dunno if I can,” you whine.  

“It’s okay, darlin’. Let's find out.”

“Okay,” you whisper. 

Tommy gets up on his knees and gets close to Joel's shoulder, near your head.  

“Get it nice and wet,” Joel tells you.  

Without getting off Joel's cock, you turn your head enough to accept Tommy's cock into your mouth. You let saliva pool under your tongue, then swirl it all over his shaft until he's dripping. “alright” Tommy whispers, then you deposit the rest of the saliva from under your tongue. “Alright, don't make me cum, sweetheart.” 

Tommy straddles Joel’s legs behind you while Joel hugs you close. 

Tommy nudges your occupied hole. Joel slowly removes his fingers and Tommy’s tip finds its place between the first cock and the back wall of your cunt. Once Tommy's tip is nestled there, Joel’s fingers leave you and both his hands hold your sides. 

“Deep breath,” Tommy whispers. You draw in a chest full of air, and when you begin to exhale, he begins to push in. 

It burns for a moment as Tommy’s cockhead breaches your dripping hole, but his smooth, wet cock feels better than the fingers. “Fuck,” Tommy mutters as he pushes further. 

“Daddy,” you whimper. “It's a lot.”

“I know it is, darlin’, you're doin’ so good.”

“Breathe with me, sweetheart,” Tommy whispers. You take deep breaths and try to relax. The burn fades as your body catches up.  The stretch is only a little uncomfortable around their shafts at the very edge of you. Deeper inside, you feel a fullness you couldn't have imagined.  

“Good,” Joel says. “doin’ real good, baby. You wanna keep goin’?” 

You nod. You take deep breaths and bow your head as Tommy sinks in a little more. 

“God damn, baby. Packed full of it, ain’t ya?”Joel marvels. The look on his face makes you twitch. 

You lock eyes with Joel, bite your lip, and nod. Joel tilts his hips down toward the bed and you groan into Joel’s chest as Tommy pushes into you as much as he can. The burn is fading, and the sense of fullness overwhelms you in the best way. It's not just physical. You close your eyes and savor it. Joel’s hips begin to move. He slides against your front wall, nudging just the right place, making you whimper. 

Tommy slides in rhythm, and his breathing is labored. “Ohhh,” he moans. “Shit-–ugggh.” He warns Joel, “I'm pretty close, brother.”

Joel looks like he's making a calculation behind his eyes. Then he reads your face. “You want double the cum, baby?” 

You nod. 

“That's my girl,” Joel whispers. “That’s my perfect lil girl.” His hips wiggle under you.

“Ohh-fff-uuggh” Tommy pants and pulls back. 

Joel moves his hips and slides within your stuffed hole. Tommy stays still while Joel thrusts a few small strokes and you groan. Tommy pushes forward and you sigh. Joel kisses you. You push back and Tommy slides forward. Joel does another slow thrust upward, then Tommy says “fuck,” pushes another inch, then begins to cum. “Oh god,” Tommy groans. His dick pulses and pulses in your packed cunt as his warm release coats your walls and Joel's cock. 

“Jesus,” Tommy sighs, then begins to pull out of you. The burn returns as the crown of his tip crests your entrance on its way out. Then you whimper in relief. There's a sense of loss as your body slowly draws itself back in, but it's a major comfort still being wrapped around Joel's cock. Tommy lies down on his back to recover. 

“You did so good baby,” Joel brushes your cheek and his hips lift as your body adjusts itself back to his girth. “Ya like havin’ two cocks?” It’s the first time you haven’t felt packed full from Joel’s cock alone, and your temples feel weak. 

You nod hesitantly. “Do I still feel good?”

“Oh darlin’, you feel so good,” he breathes and the tension melts away from your face. 

“Yeah, I liked it,” you whisper. “But I only need one.” 

He cradles your head and  it feels like it's just the two of you. “Love you so much,” he whispers, and brings your face to his again, rolling his hips under you. He kisses you deeply and grinds up into you with his cock all the way inside. Your mouth breaks away with a moan, and your hips begin to move, bringing an obscene squelching sound with them. 

“Oh darlin’,” Joel whispers, and he pulls you back into a kiss.  He grunts into your mouth with a sharp thrust upward, and the tension boils over.  You begin to clench around him. Joel breaks the kiss with a shudder, then he moans your name as you flutter around his cock. His fingers dig into your hips and he pulls you flush, then pulses with a groan. “Ohhhh, fuck—ohhh,” he sighs as he releases a massive load, more than doubling the cum inside you. The rhythm of Joel’s cock soothes you as his load combines with Tommy's. 

—--

You stay on Joel’s cock for a few minutes, and he strokes your back, praising you quietly.  Tommy falls asleep.  Eventually you sigh and whine, "I have to go to the bathroom.” 

“Ok, baby,” Joel whispers and begins to help you off his cock. 

When you come back, Joel helps you into bed between them. You face Joel and he kisses you good night. You feel thankful for him as you drift off to sleep. 

—-

sequel here

-

-

Thank you for reading 🖤 I know people want updates on certain Joels but I haven't been having the easiest time and sometimes writing something new is lower-pressure.

Uncle Tommy is a brain worm I've had for a couple months ever since I blurted it out in another series.

I have another recent Joel x reader ft. Tommy with a different set miller bros: leopard print

And a darker Tommy x reader here: birds of prey

-----

FIC RECS

If you like brotherly sharing, a couple of my personal favorites are

I can be your pretty girl part 4, and part 5 by (RIP) walkintotheriveranddisappear who sadly inactivated

Liquid Gold and its prequel Two Hands to Hold by @gasolinerainbowpuddles,

If you like the idea of daddy/uncle, @bonezone44 has Joel, tommy, and Ezra.

More brotherly sharing - Smack My Bitch Up, a raider AU by @milla-frenchy.

If you wanna suck Tommy's big balls, @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin has you covered.

More fic recs (and more to come) on my rec blog @toxicrecs.

Alright I tried to bring my tag list back and something went wrong so I might have to remove them from the post sorry 🥲

[toxicbrothel]

No worries if ur not doing povs anymore buuuuut

Muehehehehe

POV

Joel’s real sweet with you. Obsessed, but in a sweet way. And for Tommy, it sure is nice getting to share you. For New Year’s, the three of you dressed up for a nice dinner in the dining room and toasted with a special bottle left behind by Bill and Frank. Tommy did the dishes while you and Joel went to sit in the living room. As Tommy approached, Joel was kneeling at your feet asking, “wanna get this big fancy dress off? Put on somethin’ more comfy?”

“Not really,” you said, making Tommy pause in his tracks. He was already getting hard thinking about what awaited, but maybe you weren’t feeling it. “It’s the only time we dress up,” you continued, and Tommy smiled to himself. You were cute. 

“Oh, darlin’. . .” Joel chuckled, then buried his face in the skirt of your dress with a groan in mock devastation. Tommy walked behind the sofa and began to massage your shoulders. “Feelin’ okay?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” you whispered.

“Good,” Tommy murmured. “Look so beautiful. . .” Tommy began to caress your neck as Joel gathered the skirt of your dress and lifted it out of the way. Tommy nosed, then kissed the other side of your neck and slid a hand down. “Mm,” he softly grunted as his hand met the border where your breast spilled over the rigid bodice. God damn, Tommy wanted to knock you up so bad. You’d be so fuckin’ pretty, tits swollen as hell. Mmm. It’s too easy to imagine. Tommy heard a muffled moan, looked down, and Joel was under the skirt of the dress. He’s so crazy about you, he’d probably live under your dress if he could. 

Tommy imagined you in a different dress, one that was fitted only on the chest. Your tits, all swollen with milk, they’d barely be containable. He kept running his hand along the top hem of your dress, feeling how they overflowed. Was there a chance you were pregnant already? Surely Joel would’ve told him, but the thought made Tommy get painfully hard. 

Tommy pressed his bulge against the back of the sofa and used both hands to caress your breasts. You moaned softly and took a deep breath, making your breasts spill over even more, revealing a little nipple. God, wouldn’t you be sexy in a maternity dress, something that cinched under your swollen tits and flowed out over your round, heavy belly? Tommy felt like he might die if he never got to see you that way. 

“Uncle Tommy?” you asked

“Yeah, sugar?” he murmured. 

“It’s too tight up here,” you whined, running your own hand across your chest. 

“Ohh I know, baby.” 

Joel moaned into your pussy, head still under the skirt, and you sighed with his mouth between your legs. 

“Can you fix it?” you asked. 

God, yeah, Tommy could fix it. Still behind the sofa, he reached down to your chest and rested his head softly against yours as he began to unfasten the little hooks, one by one. And millimeter by millimeter, your breasts expanded, free of the rigid barrier. 

“Fuck,” tommy whispered. 

“What?” you asked. 

He lowered his mouth to your ear and whispered, “Just real, real pretty, baby.” 

After unfastening enough of the hooks, Tommy wedged a hand in and cupped a breast. He could have sworn your tits had grown. He’d have to get you out of this torture device so he could see it all. 

It felt like an emergency to get this thing off you. He undid a few more hooks, and palmed himself as he finished the rest one-handed, breathing heavily. When the whole corset was open, it fell away from your body, and you sighed in relief as your hands came to cradle your tits, leaning back into the sofa. 

“Ohh,” you groaned. “So much better. . .Mmm.” You looked up at him. “Thanks, Uncle Tommy.”

This is when he should have bent down and kissed you, but Tommy’s body reacted too strongly. Everything down there tightened, and he shuddered, then began to pulse right in his pants. He held a hand against his crotch and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. He felt warmth spread through his boxers when he should’ve pumped allll that cum into you. 

----

Thank you so much for reading!

Same guys:

Stuffing

Sweet little messj

[romanarose]

About a Girl: Chapter 1

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Series Masterlist : The Last of Us Masterlist : Full Masterlist

Summary: Joel is a simple man. He goes to work, he takes care of his kindergarten age daughter, he tries to make sure Tommy doesn't die and occasionally Tess comes over. He works on Frank and Bill's farm with Tommy, Tess, and another coworker, Max. For his birthday, Tommy drags Joel out to a local grunge band's show, music he knows Joel hates. Joel is surprised to find Tess's girlfriends best friend, a girl they all call Blue because of the blue in her hair, has caught his attention.

What he doesn't know is she is trans. When he finds out, he's very confused, not because he judges her, but because he's not sure what it means for him. Does it make him gay? What does trans even mean? He's very confused. Still, despite all the confusion Joel has an open mind and he just knows that he has a lot of feelings for you and he wants to try. Joel goes on a journey of learning, not only what your trans identity means but also how to take care of himself, how to set boundaries, and learning he doesn't need carry the whole world on his shoulders.

Joel loves country, is as yeehaw as they come. Blue loves grunge, and looking as edgy as she can get by as a school teacher. Can you and Joel make it all work with the one thing that bonds them both together; flannel?

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

A/N: I am not a trans woman, but I am trans. I am doing my best research! If I got something wrong or accidentally say something offensive, please tell me! Same with Sarah's hair. I learned a LOT about black hair care from living with my black roommate for 2 years, and watching a lot of youtube. Again, if im incorrect or offensive, let me know and ill correct! I just want Joel to care about his daughters hair <3

TRANS LIVES MATTER! TRANS YOUTH MATTER! TRANS ELDERLY MATTER! TRANS WOMEN MATTER! TRANS MEN MATTER! NON BINARY TRANS MATTER!

It all started with Tommy, as most adventures do. Joel was certain Tommy would make sure to mention that fact during his best man speech.

“You have got to get out more. You’re making me stir crazy just watching you sit at home.”

Joel rolled his eyes, packing Sarah’s lunch. He was happy to throw in some plums, Sarah’s favorite fruit, that he got from the food pantry. Since Sarah started kindergarten and he didn’t have to pay for nearly as much childcare, things had gotten less horrifically tight financially but now he was playing catch up. Catching pneumonia last winter had drained his little savings with an ER visit. Joel desperately wanted to not rely on charity, but he also didn’t want Sarah to go without. 

“How would you know, you’re never even home.” Since getting out of the army, Tommy has not adjusted well. Joel was happy to let him live in the house he built for his ex-fiance on his parents land they gifted when Sarah was born. Tommy was a help with Sarah and was good company when he wasn’t out partying.

“Hey.” Tommy looked a little offended. “I’m here plenty. Just ask Sarah.” Sarah adored her uncle.

Joel sighed. “You’re right.” He wasn’t. “But I ain’t going. I can’t afford that, and I’d like to spend my days off with Sarah.”

Tommy tossed a cosmic brownie from the box he bought into Sarah’s lunchbox. “Come oooooon. Sarah loves the babysitter, and one night out won’t traumatize her forever. I’ll pay for the sitter, I already got tickets and I’ll even cover your drinks.”

Joel would rather the money go towards Sarah’s next dental appointment, but he couldn’t tell Tommy where to spend his money, and he knew there was no saying no to his brother when he gets like this. “How many bands are playing? I ain’t sitting through three openers, Tom.”

“Just one! You’re coming!” Tommy ran out of the kitchen and took the stairs two at a time before Joel could protest. “Sarah! Guess who gets to hang out with Jessica tonight!” Joel could hear the sound of springs bouncing as Sarah cheered and called out if the bed breaks, Tommy’s fixing it.

After getting Sarah dressed, he sat her down on a chair in the kitchen and looked at the clock. “Only got time for a ponytail, baby girl.” Joel had figured out some simple hair care for thick hair he wasn’t quite equipped to work with. Before Sarah was born, he didn’t know how to do a single braid. Joel had practiced a little before Tommy had to chop off his hippie curls for the army but he still was lost in a lot of ways. 2 years ago, Joel must’ve looked particularly lost in the ethnic hair aisle with Sarah in the cart and a kind woman guided him to some hair gel, argan oil, and an edge brush, scribbling a few instructions on some scratch paper. That’s what's gotten him through this far. Joel kept thinking he needed to reach out somewhere or maybe find a book… but with what time? 

Kayla, Sarah’s mom, wasn’t much help either. Kayla was mixed and absolutely inherited the polish side as far as hair, where Sarah got her late grandma’s genes. Kayla wanted to chemically straighten Sarah’s beautiful curls last year when she had her over Easter, but Joel put his foot down. When she was older, if she wanted to do whatever she wanted with her hair, braids, relaxed, wigs, she could but there was no way he was letting all those chemicals into a 4 year olds head just to make it “easier.” Joel could handle it.

She looked cute with her little puffball on the top of her head, anyway. 

“TOMMY! LETS GO!” Why was Tommy harder to get out the door than Sarah was?

Little hands tugged at his shirt. “Daddy I want coffee.” 

“No baby”

“Why?”

“It’s not good for little kids.”

“Uncle Tommy lets me have coffee.”

Joel sighed loudly. “Of course he did. Well, Sarah, that’s an uncle thing, I don’t know what to tell you. TOMMYYY!”

Tommy’s heavy footsteps clomped down the steps, dashing out the door. “Come one Jojo, whatcha wait’n for?”

*

How did little kids have so much energy in the morning? Tommy included. Sarah was chatty as ever on her way, talking excitedly about the eggs in the classroom's incubator. He tried to pay attention, he really did, but he was busy trying to figure out what bills he still owes. It was only September, one month into not having to pay out the ass for Sarah’s daycare. Was he even gonna be able to catch up at all before the summer comes? Her mom said she wanted to take her for the summer, but she was single right now and slightly more involved. When she finds a new man, she suddenly becomes much less interested in her child. Joel didn’t want Sarah around strange men all the time either.

“Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Tommy nudged Joel, calling him name for Sarah’s attention.

“What?” Joel said, not unkindly but perhaps a little too harsh than he wanted to speak around his daughter. 

“Happy birthday daddy.”

Joel closed his eyes briefly, wincing at his prior tone. “Thank you baby. I’ll bring home a cake, how about that.” He felt like he could cry, snapping at his sweet girl for trying to wish him happy birthday. He was so bad at this.

Both children in the car cheered.

Joel dropped Sarah off with several kisses on her forehead, then ran off to the truck. He might just be on time if he speeds a bit. He didn’t speed with Sarah in the truck, he was less careful with Tommy. 

“Just in time!” Tess’s voice greeted them in the farm house. “You guys eat?”

She knew the answer. Sarah’s kindergarten had a free breakfast program, leaving Joel and Tommy on their own and god knows they didn’t take proper care of themselves. Luckily, they had great bosses.

Joel, Tommy, and Tess all worked for Bill and Frank on their farm. Joel had stumbled on this job shortly after Kayla left and God, what a blessing. Bill and Frank had trouble finding help being the only gay farmers on the planet to felt like, but Joel wasn’t really in a position to deny a good paying job, not in this economy, not with a baby who barely had a mom around anymore. This was before Tommy came back from the army, and Joel’s parents dead a few years prior. He was alone.

That’s where he met Tess. She was something else. A woman working as a farm hand alone was surprising enough, but she was the first openly bisexual person Joel had met. Hell, she was the only the third gay person he knew of and the first woman. He’d lived a sheltered life. Still, Joel didn’t really see an issue with none of it. Wasn’t his business what two grown adults did, that was his thought on the matter. Not that he really had enough time to have thoughts on much of anything other than keeping Sarah and Tommy alive. When Tommy came back, he started working on the farm too.

Tess slid the men some pancakes, stating she knew it and went ahead and made extra.

Frank entered the room with something in his hand. “Wait!” He placed the item, which Joel saw was a candle on the the pancake.

“Oh, no, you guys don’t gotta-”

“Shut the hell up, Miller.” Bill entered the room with a pack of cigarettes in one hand and a lighter in the other. He lit the candle, and then a cigarette. 

Frank took it out of his hand, putting it out under the sink. “If you absolutely must smoke, you’re not smoking inside our home.” He then turned back to Joel. “Happy birthday, Joel.” The forth employee, Max, enters the farmhouse and then embarrassingly, Franks leads everyone (except Bill) in a very shitty rendition of happy birthday.

*

“Hey,” Tess nudged Joel as she attempted to fix the clutch without calling Bill up. “You coming tonight?”

Joel rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Tommy convinced me. He also told Sarah it’s my birthday so now I gotta bring home cake and do a bit of the birthday thing with her. I was hoping to avoid it another year.”

She laughed at that. “Ah come on! It can’t be that bad.”

“She’s not, it’s my birthday that is.” 

“I know.” Tess patted his back.

Joel and her worked in silence for a moment, but he figured this was as good a time as any. “Hey uh… so. You and Tommy.”

Tess smirked, but didn’t look at him. “What about my dear friend?”

“Well uh, that’s just it…” Joel cleared his troat, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s just, you guys been spending a lot of time together, and I’m just… well you know he’s at tough spot right now…-”

“When isn’t he?”

“Right. Well. I’m just wondering… Well.”

With a chuckle, she put down the wrench and turned to look at Joel with a smile. “You’re wondering if Tommy and I are an item.”

Cringing hard enough his eyes were closed, Joel nods.

“Don’t worry about your baby brother, he can handle himself.”

“Can he?”

“Joel. Look at me.”

Joel forced his eyes open.

“Tommy and I fuck sometimes to blow off steam, don’t act you’re much different.”

“It was one time!”

“It was 4 times, glad to know that I’m that forgettable.” Tess continued with her teasing before Joel could protest. “Listen, I know you’re worried about him, but Tommy and I aren’t interested in dating each other. It’s just for fun sometimes. Tommy puts up a tough front but I’d eat that boy alive.”

Finally, Joel laughed. Yes, she would.

Tess went back to work. “Besides, you’re meeting my new girlfriend tonight, birthday boy.”

*

Joel was exhausted, washing his hands and forearms and face before leaving to get Sarah. He tried to stay as clean as possible for Sarah. She didn’t need to know how hard he worked for her.

“Hey Joel, I get to watch Sarah this fall don’t I?” Frank asked as he sauntered into the kitchen. 

Joel tried to protest, as he did every year, but it was merely a formality to be polite. He couldn’t afford childcare in the late hours it took to get harvest done. Hopefully it wouldn’t be so bad now that Max was hired on, he didn’t see Sarah hardly at all harvest. Joel would come back to the farmhouse to find Sarah asleep on the couch with Frank, who was no help with farming. He handled the finances and paperwork, and functioned as a babysitter in pinches. Joel was forever indebted to the couple, inclduding Bill despite his facade of toughness.

“Nonsense Joel. I look forward to seeing her every time.” Sarah fucking loved Frank. He was teaching her painting and how to have a proper tea party, real tea and all. But with a lot of sugar. 

Speaking earnestly, Joel tried to express his appreciation. “Thanks, Frank. I appreciate it. I couldn’t do this without you.”

Frank clapped Joel on the shoulders, sliding him a card. “Thank you for everything you do. We really value you. I know Bill doesn’t say it much, or at all, but we appreciate you here.” He walked off, knowing Joel would protest the $500 cash inside the card.

*

“Daddy! Daddy! I made a friend!” Sarah exclaimed excitedly, running up to her father still covered in her paint smock that quickly transferred the red and blue onto Joel’s jeans.

“Is that so? Who is it?”

Sarah pointed to a little brunette girl sitting in time out. “That’s Ellie! She’s in trouble because she pretended a block was a gun.”

“Oh.”

*

At home, Joel went through the evening routine with Sarah, Tommy having gone with Tess to pre-game. He fed her as much of the macaroni she’d eat, bathed her and made sure to make things as easy for the sitter as possible. When Jessica came over, a nice local teenager that was great with Sarah, he briefed her as he tried to clean up the kitchen. 

“Daddy? Where’s the cake.”

Goddammit of course he forgot something. He just can’t do anything right, can he? He was a shitty dad, a shitty brother, a shitty boyfriend, a needy employee-

“Where's the birthday boy!” Tommy burst in, followed by a group of people, some he knew, some he didn’t. With him was Tess carrying a cake.

“TESS!!!!!!” Sarah shouted, but went more for the cake she carried.

“Hiya, love bug!” She patted her ponytail. “Ready to sing happy birthday at the top of your lungs?”

Hadn’t she had enough happy birthdays? She must’ve known he’d forget the cake. They hadn’t been pregaming at all, they were making him a cake.

Tess hands the cake to Tommy, then gestures to the women next to her. Dark skinned, tall, her hair in… locks? Were those called locks? He was cooked. He needs to learn hair. “This is Talia, my girlfriend.”

Talia smiled brightly, extended a hand which Joel shook. “So nice to meet you, Mr. Miller. Tess talks a lot about you Tommy and Max, it’s nice to put faces to the names.”

“Please, Joel is fine. I may ache like an old man, but I’m not one yet.” Joel joked with a soft but tired smile. He turned to tess. “Max coming?”

“Yup.” She shot him a look to be nice. Joel wasn’t fond of max. Good worker, shit head of a person. Joel knew he couldn’t really blame all Tommy’s shit on bad influences, but Max didn’t help. “And this,” She gestured over to another woman who he had just been too flustered to notice until now. “Is Talia’s best friend.”

You were absolutely fucking stunning, unlike anyting he’d ever seen in his life. Tight white tank top, tight leather pants and a leather jacket. In your hair was a streak of vibrant blue. Your eyes connected with his and for a moment, he forgot about all the other people in the room. 

“Oh, um, hello,” Joel shook your hand when he snapped out of it, repeating your name.

You smile at him. “Actually, most people just call me Blue.”

A small voice from Joel’s hip. “Is that because of your hair? Why is it blue? Are you sick?”

“Sarah! Don’t be rude.”

Chuckling brightly, you promise it’s okay and crouch down to Sarah’s eye level. “I’m not sick. I actually dye it like that.”

“But why?”

Internally, Joel groaned, thinking you’d take offense at the line of questions Sarah’s certainly had ready, but you just answered. “Well, I think it makes me look pretty, just you’re cute hair style makes you look pretty.”

Sarah lit up at that. “My daddy did it!!!”

“He did? That’s so awesome! You have such a nice daddy.”

Sarah nodded in avid agreement. “He’s the BEST!”

Joel couldn’t help smiling at that. He always felt like he was failing her, but she loved him regardless. “I can’t do a lot, but I’m trying to learn. I can do a mean ponytail.” Joel caught Tommy smirking at him.

Once the babysitter took Sarah to wash up for cake, Talia quietly spoke to Joel, still attached to Tess's arm. “Tess told me her mom isn’t really involved. I’d love to help you learn how to care for black hair.”

Joel felt his heart drop. “Oh shit, does it look terrible? I really tried but I don’t even know where to go and-”

Talia cut him off with a laugh and a hand up. “No, not at all! It looks very healthy. I just mean if you’d like to learn how to do more, especially as it gets longer.”

Always embarrassed to ask for help, he always swallowed his pride for Sarah. “Yeah, yeah actually I’d really like that… I’ll play yuh, don’t worry I wouldn’t make you do it for free-”

She attempted to say he didn’t need to pay, but Tess told her it was useless to try and fight. Joel figured the bonus from Bill and Frank could pay for Sarah’s dentist cleaning and the rest he could pay Talia. 

After a terrible happy birthday and saying goodbye to Sarah longer than really necessary, Joel was dragged out of the house to go to some shitty local grunge bands show for his birthday.

Joel fucking hated his birthday.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I can't beleive people actually wanted to read this!!! We need more trans rep in this fandom <3

First chapter setting things up, then one chapter per week for 6 weeks for my Oscar/Pedro pride event!!! each chapter 2-7 will follow themes of the week until the happy end <3

MEET THE OC'S

Talia Monroe

Tess's girlfriend, Blue's bestfriend. Talia is joyfriend and high energy. She offers to help Joel learn black hair to properly care for Sarah.

Max Waltz

Works on the farm with Joel, Tommy, and Tess. Tommy likes him, Joel hates him, Tess ears towards liking him but tries to keep him in check. Max is a generally barzen man, hates his wife, is loud and annoying to Joel.

Kayla Carter

*no face claim right now*

Joel's high school sweetheart and ex-fiance, Sarah's mom. Kayla is in an out of sarah's life, lives out of town and is only around when its convinient, leaving Joel with alone.

I don't do tag lists for one shots but I do still for series so

How to keep up with the series:

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I really enjoy writing this series so I hope you like it too <3

KISSES

Please remeber to reblog or comment or engage in some way <3 community keeps us all writing and drawing

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @ashleyfilm @bumblepony @snnyc @casa-boiardi @del-ightfulling @joelsoftie

[actual-changeling]

"Joel?"

Ellie shifts slightly so she can look up at him, cheek squished against his biceps. The movie is long over, but the best part of the night is dozing off pressed against Joel while he reads or whittles away at something. Sometimes he even reads out-loud, voice rhythmic and soft, lulling her to sleep. He glances down at her and lowers his book, arm coming up to wrap around her.

"Yeah, baby?"

She chews on her lip, trying to find the words in her tired mind, and Joel's thumb gently rubbing her shoulder is the opposite of helpful, her eyelids fluttering shut.

"What's Tommy, like, to me? He's your brother but I don't. I don't know where I fit."

Joel stays silent for a litlte bit, seemingly properly thinking about her question, and she curls up tighter against his chest, pressing her face into his shirt somewhere below his neck. She's tired enough to fall asleep like this even with the lights on, and she chose this moment exactly because of that, knowing that the fatigue will prevent her from freaking out too much; so far, it's doing its job.

"Tommy is whatever you want him to be, babygirl, there's no pressure."

"I know", she sighs, answer kind in his typical Joel-fashion, but useless.

"I just don't know what to call him, to other people, I mean."

Explaining her relationship with Joel to the other children and teachers at school was already a task, and while the latter didn't question her answers, she's given up on trying to convince her classmates that Joel isn't her actual dad. The spark for this conversation had been an encounter with one of the newer arrivals, whom Tommy had introduced her to as 'my brother's kid', which, sure, probably the easiest way of putting it. But-

"Someone called him my uncle, and he didn't correct them. I don't know if-"

"If he's okay with everyone calling him that?"

Ellie nods, glad that he understands what she is getting at, and he holds her a little tighter as he pulls her further into his lap. Joel presses a kiss to her temple, her forehead, then her hair before settling with his chin resting on the top of her head, his hands rubbing soft circles into her back.

"You're my kid," he says plainly, "which makes you a part of his family, and since he's my brother, yeah, I guess uncle is accurate. I don't think he minds."

"You sure?"

The last thing she wants to do is upset either of them, and she and Tommy have actually been getting along quite well, bullying Joel and doing all the things he doesn't want either of them to do - in short, making him go grey twice as fast as before.

"Very sure."

(He doesn't want to tell her just yet that Tommy has been calling himself her uncle since day one, introducing Ellie as his niece in turn.)

"Alright."

Ellie wraps her arms around his waist when Joel lowers them onto the couch, safely trapped between him and the backrest, and she holds on tight even while she drifts off, sleep coming easily and gently, closing their eyes with a gentle touch. He will carry her to bed later, enjoying the opportunity to simply feel her breathing and alive against him for now.

"G'night, Joel." (Saying it doesn't sound right, but she doesn't have to, they can both sense it. Her friends calling him that no longer sounds quite as wrong.)

"Sleep tight, baby." (They all know, and Tommy is intentionally driving the point home, but he doesn't need to tell her; she knows. They both do.)

That's my niece, Ellie.

Oh, she's my brother's daughter.

Joel is her dad, idiot.

Must run in the Miller family.

Family, they all know, is way more than just shared DNA. It's the people you trust, who will keep you safe.

It's everyone you come home to at the end of a long, long day.

[bonezone44]

Too Depraved 4 TV (ages 56+)

Joel x afab!Reader x Ezra x Tommy

Word Count: 2500

--I'm not doing my usual set-up for fics, LOL! This is F I L T H. It's "Daddy Joel", "Uncle Tommy" and "Uncle Ezra."

oral (m & f receiving), fingering, p-in-v, creampie

special thanks to : @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog for the idea and @toxicanonymity for 'Uncle Tommy' and also @iamasaddie for sharing a Tommy photo this morning. We're all going to burn in hell together. 🙏😘

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“Uncle Tommy and Uncle Ezra are downstairs watchin TV,” says Joel. “Why don’t you go join ‘em and I’ll meet you there in a minute, alright?” He stomps over to the fridge, thoroughly dismissing you.

The two men’s eyes light up as you make your way down into the basement. The room is small and cramped. The walls are wood panels and the floors are cold concrete. There’s a wall of boxes on one side of the room next to a computer desk. The computer is off and the monitor is black. You’ve seen Uncle Ezra use it the most, selling electronics on eBay and watching funny videos. Anytime Uncle Tommy was around, he was lounging on the couch, much like he is now, with a beer in his hand.

“Hey there, sugar,” greets Tommy as he puts his beer down on the coffee table in front of the TV. “How ya been?”

“Fine,” you say, shifting awkwardly. You look at the thick, plush couch, unsure where to sit. The recliner is open, but you know that’s Joel’s. 

Ezra finishes his beer and tosses the can into the trash by the computer desk. It’s close enough to be difficult to miss. “You wanna come sit down, baby?” asks Ezra, patting the space between him and Tommy. “Uncle Tommy and I were just watchin the game.”

“O-okay,” you respond and follow suit. You can feel their hungry eyes watching you. Your skin burns. You keep your legs in close and your arms are crossed protectively over your stomach. You feel your shoulders up by your ears. There’s dampness between your thighs.

“Ain’t seen you in a while,” says Tommy as he shifts closer to you. “Joel been keepin you all to himself, huh?”

“I don’t know,” you answer. 

“Yeah, that’s Joel for you.” Ezra chuckles, his eyes lingering on your body. “I find his possessiveness unnecessary, though Uncle Ezra understands why he would be wary to allow his pretty pet to wander without her leash.” His warm, calloused hand finds the bare skin of your thigh. His thumb rubs back and forth. “She is quite the prize, don’t you think?” he says. “Uncle Tommy?”

Tommy grins. “She’s somethin special,” he murmurs, his body shifting closer.

You feel crowded. The heat from their bodies, the smell of beer on their breath, ‘Uncle’ Ezra’s hand gently stroking your thigh. The ache in your cunt.

“Curious,” Ezra says as he scoots next to you, causing you to gasp for air as his body is now pressed along the entirety of your left side. 

“What’s that?” says Tommy, whose eyes are locked onto your face, studying your every response and expression. His own hand finds your other leg, smoothing up and down your thigh, inching closer and closer to the billowing heat between your legs. 

“Curious as to what or … who–” Ezra traced his nose along your temple. “–could have swayed Joel’s selfish nature.” He hums and it’s as if your entire body vibrates in harmony with his vocal chords. “He is not a man to acquiesce easily.”

“What? You think she asked for it this time?” Tommy eyes you curiously. His hand slides from your thigh, cupping your mound over your shorts. You feel his amusement as you tense and gasp with your eyes closed. “Wasn’t us just beggin for a taste?”

Ezra smiles. “Little pets get hungry, too, Uncle Tommy.” Ezra’s finger glides along the bottom of your chin. You open your eyes to see his, hazy and warm, looking back at you. “This one looks ravenous.”

“Only one way to know for sure,” says Tommy, biting his lower lip. He slips his hand under the waistband of your shorts and you tilt your hips forward instinctively, guiding his searching fingers to their imminent goal. You moan as two fingers graze your entrance before sliding between your folds. Tommy laughs. “Oh yeah,” he says, lightly toying with your clit. “She’s starving.”

“Is she now?” says Ezra. “Methinks Uncle Ezra wants a taste, as well.” His mouth finds your neck as his hand finds your breast. His teeth gnaw into your skin–his tongue laving. His fingers dig into your flesh. You feel his hard cock pressed against your side.

You gasp and moan, overwhelmed by the sensations. By their body heat blanketing your sides. The TV is on low and in the back of your mind, you can hear Joel stomping around upstairs. You don’t know how he’ll react when he finds out the two men have begun without him. You don’t know what to say. You couldn’t stop them even if you wanted to. And you really really don’t want to.

“Let’s get ‘er out of these clothes, Uncle Ez,” says Tommy.

“Don’t know why she bothers wearin anything anyway,” says Ezra.

The two men strip you like a doll. Ready and eager to play with you how they please.

Goosebumps rise on your skin briefly before they’re back on you. Ezra sucks on your nipples, toys with your breasts. Tommy’s hand stays between your legs. He slides a finger inside of you, slowly breaching your entrance and pushing it as deep in as he can. He wriggles it around a couple times then pulls it back out, spreading your slick around your lips. Your skin sticks to the pleather of the couch. You can’t bring yourself to check, but you’re certain there’s a wet spot beneath you, glistening in the bright light of the TV.

“Think he’ll let us fuck ‘er this time?” asks Tommy.

Ezra pulls back from your breast. His lips are plush and wet. He hums. “Let’s see what she wants.” His eyes find yours. “What do you think, baby? Hmm?” His eyebrows are high in his forehead. “You want Uncle Ezra and Uncle Tommy to fuck you? You want us to put our cocks in that tight little hole?”

Tommy laughs and plunges two fingers inside of you, stroking your walls, making you writhe and gasp. “I think she likes the idea.”

Ezra chuckles. “I think so, too,” he says. “I think she wants Uncle Ezra and Uncle Tommy to stuff her full and leave her hurtin.” He grins. “I wonder how long it would take for her muscles to recover from such a pleasurable incident.”

“Weeks, prob’ly,” Tommy groans, pressing his hardness into your side. “If we do it right.”

“How’s that sound, baby?” asks Ezra, his lips pressed against your cheek as his fingers pluck your nipples. “Want Uncle Ezra and Uncle Tommy to tear up your little pussy?”

“HEY!” A loud bellow stops everyone in their tracks.

Your eyes open wide to see Joel stomping down the staircase. He’s wearing the same jeans and denim button-up as earlier, but it looks like he’s combed his hair back and away from his face. 

“What the hell is goin on?”

“Oh, come on, Joel,” moans Tommy, his fingers no longer curling inside of you. “What’d you expect?”

“I expected you to fuckin wait,” he snarls. “Two grown goddamn men can’t keep it together for five fuckin minutes.”

Ezra began. “If you would, please, Joel, give audience to our–”

“Don’t you fuckin start with me.” Joel points at Ezra. “I don’t have time for your fuckin diatribes.”

Ezra rolls his eyes with tight lips.

Joel doesn’t say anything else. He simply kneels in front of you and tugs your hips forward, tossing your legs over his shoulders. His mouth latches onto you. He tongues and sucks your pussy lips, flicking over your clit and diving into your entrance. His tongue is moving so fast and his fingers are bruising your skin.

You stare down at him with your eyelids barely open. Your mouth is open and moaning.

Joel slaps his brother on the leg and gestures at you. 

Tommy sighs. “Oh, thank god,” he murmurs. 

Out of the corner of your vision, you see Tommy stand up and unzip his jeans. He pulls his pants and underwear off completely before climbing back up on the couch, standing haphazardly on the cushions.

“Alright, sugar.” He says with a grin. “Open up for Uncle Tommy.”

You comply, not sure how you’re going to maintain your focus with Joel eating you out so voraciously. 

Tommy slides the tip of his cock back and forth on your tongue, before tapping it a few times. You keep waiting for him to shove the whole thing in–you’re braced for it. Readying your throat. But instead he teases you, teases himself. Tommy holds your head in place and you flick the tip of your tongue onto whatever surface of his cock that he’ll give you. 

Your mouth stays open and you can feel saliva spilling out the edges of your mouth. You’re getting hungry for it. Desperate for him to fill your mouth and throat. You try to push your head forward and suck it in already, but Tommy’s grip is tight.

He laughs. “What’d you say, Uncle Ez?” He taps your tongue with his cock. “Ravenous?”

Ezra chuckles, his hands groping your breasts while Joel is still between your legs. “Downright famished for some cock, isn’t she?”

“It would appear so,” says Tommy, mocking Ezra’s cadence.

You start panting, your body trembling. Heat is building up from between your legs and quickly. Joel’s tongue works against your clit with a wet clocking sound. He’s a silhouette in front of the bright light of the TV. Your orgasm hits you like a punch and you keen loudly–just in time for Tommy to finally fill your mouth.

“Kinda tickles,” says Tommy, laughing at you while you moan on the comedown.

Joel pulls his mouth away from you. “Hurry up and get whatcha can,” he says to the two men. “‘Cause once I start fuckin’ her, you’re not gettin anythin else.”

Ezra’s eyes go wide and he rushes to remove his pants. Tommy’s satisfied enough to glide his cock in and out of your sloppy mouth. 

Ezra settles himself between your thighs. He holds his cock, thick as a can of Coca-Cola, against your entrance. He moves it around in tight circles to help stretch you out. “Uncle Ezra has been dreaming of this day, precious,” he says, licking his lips. “Dreaming of–” he thrusts in a little. “--sinking myself into this–” he thrusts in a little more. “--hot, wet hole.” He pushes himself in deeper and deeper and slowly more deeper until he’s in you, full-hilt. He looks up at Tommy. “So hot and wet,” he grins. “She’s tropical.”

Tommy and Ezra start laughing. You can’t see Joel, but you hear him huff.

Your body is exploding in pleasure from Ezra’s slow strokes against your stretched out walls. It didn’t take long for the hurt to give way to warm goodness. You’ve been so focused on sucking off Tommy that your jaw and neck are sore and aching. Your fingers are braced into the cushion beneath you as you try to maintain some kind of composure, lest you sink into the couch and away from Tommy’s salty member.

You get lost in the haze of Ezra’s thrusts and the taste of Tommy. Fire and sparks dance across your skin and you can feel a second orgasm building up inside of you. For a moment, your breasts feel cold and bare, but Ezra leans forward and begins sucking the skin of your neck. Ezra begins murmuring filth as his thrusts pick up in pace. 

“Uncle Ezra takes good care of you, don’t he?”

“You like Uncle Ezra’s big cock?”

“You want some of Uncle Ezra’s hot seed?”

Your second orgasm hits hard and Ezra has to quickly pull out. He pants and moans as he jerks himself off and finishes on your stomach. He falls to the side of the couch with a dazed look in his eyes.

“My turn,” Tommy grins and pulls himself from your mouth. 

But as he begins to situate himself between your legs, he’s interrupted.

“Too late,” says Joel. 

Tommy curses.

Joel shrugs at his brother. “Y’all took too long.” He stands up from the recliner, still fully clothed but his pants are tented. He walks over to your limp body. “Come on,” he says and pulls you up, guiding you back over to where he was before.

You stand on shaky legs while Joel unzips his pants and pulls them down his thighs. He plops into the recliner and pulls you on top of him. For how thick Ezra is, Joel is thicker. You slide down his length with a whimper. 

“That what you needed, baby?” He coos with soft eyes as he rolls his hips upward. “You needed Daddy Joel?” He asks with a nod.

You nod back, relishing in the feeling of Joel inside of you. Your hands cradle his face, thumbs scraping along his scruff. You lean in and kiss him, hot and heavy. He moans into your mouth. You glide your hips up and down, stroking his length with your wet cunt. His broad hands are your asscheeks, tugging and pulling your flesh apart as you slowly ride him. His mouth tastes so good, you wanna swallow him whole. 

You hear Tommy jerking off behind you. He and Ezra are murmuring low to each other on the couch. You wonder if Ezra is jerking off, too. You like to think he is.

Joel pulls back and stares into your eyes. “Come on, baby. Bounce on Daddy Joel’s cock. Come on.” He punctuates with a smack on your ass. You pick up the pace. “Daddy Joel loves his baby’s sweet little pussy,” he groans and smacks your ass again. “Gonna fill that pussy up,” he grunts. He starts thrusting upwards into you, meeting your bouncing hips. “Gonna make a big ol’ mess o’ that tiny little pussy, baby.” 

“Daddy Joel’s gonna fill you up–gonna fill you up,” he groans and his fingers dig bruises into your ass. 

Your body is a blur of pleasure and movements and hot sparkling heat expanding and billowing out until it’s so so tight and then it SNAPS–your cunt clenching around Joel’s cock as he comes in thick, heavy spurts inside of you.

He groans, long and low as he continues to roll his hips. His come trickling out the edges of your used pussy as you sit in his lap. “Good girl,” he sighs and brings a hand to your breast to pinch and tease your nipple. “Good little pussy.”

You don’t hear the two other men behind you, so you assume they finished, too. You’re briefly disappointed you didn’t get to fully experience Uncle Tommy’s cock, but it was enough to taste it. 

You curl into Joel’s chest as he wraps his arms around you and kisses your crown.

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Author's Note: NO ONE LOOK AT ME !!!!!

[cowgurrrl]

Things I want to see in season two but probably won’t

UNCLE JOEL

Discussions of Joel and Tommy’s raider era AND/OR Joel’s substance abuse

Joel and Ellie comforting each other through nightmares

Joel telling Tommy what happened to Tess

Tommy teaching Ellie how to shoot

Maria and Tommy domesticity

Abby finding her dad in the hospital (which I think would be a killer way to start the season (literally))

Ellie’s chemical burn and how they handled that

Cat and Ellie

Buckley and Gustavo appearance

[orangechickenpillow]

Whatever you do, don't imagine Joel's reaction to the first time he gets called "Uncle Joel" by either Tommy or his kid

[boilingcowboy]

When your brother comes back into your life after years with his new kid but you’re a communist

[toointojoelmiller]

"You were looking at the little memorial Tommy made?"

in my feels imagining Tommy getting the chalkboard to make this, writing out the names, birth dates, death dates, putting it on the mantle, showing Maria

imagining Tommy coming to it on nights he can't sleep and lighting the candle in memory of the niece he loved and watched grow up and lost, too

[toxicanonymity]

Sweet little mess.

3.2k words, joel x f!reader x tommy | latest fics SUMMARY: Uncle Tommy is back, and you're enjoying a cozy night with the boys. PWP, follows Stuffing, but can read alone. WARNINGS: I8+, big girthy age gap (legal), use of daddy/uncle, sharing, fingering, cuckish watching, oral f receiving, jacking off, unsafe PiV, creampies, talk of breeding, MFM kinda, reader can straddle / sit on their laps. Little darkish but soft, reader is very into it, but still a power imbalance with some coaxing (mild dubcon). AU where you don’t overthink this fic or i swear to god. A/N: FIWB. Sharing recs at the bottom, @toxicrecs is rec blog. If you're not into brotherly sharing, please quietly move along.

Being snowed in isn't too bad. You’re grateful for the extra firewood, and you liked watching the boys chop it as the storm clouds rolled in. Now the three of you are settled in for a cozy evening. You're sitting at the end of the sofa between Joel's legs, and Tommy's across the room. They're talking about home improvement projects. Joel’s hand is under your dress, slowly working its way up your thigh, caressing you as they talk. Your dress rides up with Joel's hand, exposing more and more of you. Tommy sits back in the armchair and runs his fingers along his gold chain as he talks. His eyes shamelessly follow Joel's hand.

You were hesitant to give up your stockings after dinner, but Joel coaxed you into a pair of fuzzy socks instead. He likes your legs bare. You're warm enough, after all--so warm your sweater has come off--and Joel is in his happy place. Joel's light touch is enough to make you throb, but the hard bulge of his cock is also pressing against you through his jeans, and his deeper breaths are lifting you on his chest. When Joel's fingers have nearly reached your panties, he lingers just outside the crotch of them, caressing the crease where your thigh meets your torso. You can feel Tommy’s eyes on you, and it makes you tingle more. Despite everything that’s happened, you still feel a little shy with him, and his lustful trance is enough to give you butterflies. 

The length of Joel’s middle finger traces a slow, light path around your thigh crease, as close as he can possibly get without touching your panties, and his cock twitches against you. He brings his other hand to your other thigh. On each side, he traces the leg hole of your underwear up and over the curve of your hip, then back down between your legs. His touch is still painfully light, and you're aching for something more. Finally, one hand slides over to cup your mound. He ghosts your clit through the fabric, then his fingers tease lower, reaching a very damp spot that’s spreading by the second. 

“Mm,” he sighs into your hair, deep and quiet. He and Tommy stop talking. By now, your dress is pulled all the way up and your panties are exposed to Tommy’s lustful gaze across the room. 

“Someone’s all wet for us,” Joel murmurs. 

“Daddy,” you whisper, cheeks burning. 

Tommy raises an eyebrow and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. “That so, cupcake?” He turns one of his chunky rings as he watches between your legs. 

Joel’s hand slides up above the hem of your panties, then plunges into them. He gives a low whistle when he reaches your wetness. “Oh yeah,” he tells Tommy. 

Your face and chest are hot. Joel’s free hand pulls your dress up further out of the way. He and Tommy both watch Joel’s massive hand moving rhythmically while it’s crammed into your panties. Your mouth falls open with his practiced strokes. Joel touches you just how you like, and your eyes roll back. You rest your head back against Joel, and his cock fully hardens against you. It presses into you and Joel lets out a barely audible grunt. His hips begin to rock ever so slightly. You’re so lost in bliss, you only vaguely see Tommy’s silhouette slowly crossing the room. He kneels at your feet. 

“Let’s take care of this pretty girl,” Tommy murmurs and his hands slide up your thighs. Joel doesn’t stop fingering you with his hand down your panties. Tommy’s palms slide up your hips, and you flinch when his fingers begin to curl under the elastic band. 

“It’s okay, baby,” Joel whispers. You close your thighs and Joel leans back, slightly lifting you as Tommy takes your panties down. Tommy takes his time bringing them down your legs.

Tommy looks at your wet panties in his hand.  “Ya weren’t lyin’, were ya brother,” Tommy chuckles. Tommy balls up your panties and brings them to his face, covering his mouth and nose. He takes a deep breath with his eyes closed, then takes a lick. “God damn,” he murmurs. He puts them in his pocket, then his hands come to your knees. Joel’s fingers tease your dripping hole, and Tommy’s thumbs trace light circles on your knees, watching Joel’s hand at work. You bite your lip. Tommy nudges your knees a little further apart. 

Joel whispers, “’s okay, baby. Show Uncle Tommy your pretty little pussy.”

You let your thighs spread wide, and your lower belly tingles as Joel’s hand slides out of the way. Then he moves both his hands to cup your breasts through the dress and your nipples harden. Tommy’s hands slide up your thighs, and your hips tilt on their own. The drag of his rings on your skin is still a new sensation. 

“Good girl,” Tommy whispers to your pussy. “Mm.” He uses his thumbs to spread you apart and admires the way you’re gushing arousal onto the skirt of the dress you’re sitting on. “Look at this sweet little mess,” he mumbles. 

Joel is gently massaging your breasts.  “Uncle Tommy can touch ya, can’t he baby?” Joel murmurs. You nod. “Like that, don’t ya?” Joel asks and you nod. Tommy’s eyes sparkle and he gives you a little smile. 

Tommy’s thumb dips into the pool of slick at your entrance, then slides up your slippery seam to your clit. You let out a little sigh. 

“Good,” Tommy whispers as he circles your clit with his thumb. “That’s real good, honey.” He keeps teasing your clit with that thumb as his other hand inches closer, then plays with your pussy.  He rubs your extra slick around, then his middle finger prods your entrance. His finger pushes into you, all the way until a silver ring disappears inside you, and his other hand keeps thumbing your clit. His brow furrows watching his digit disappear into you, and you twitch around it. 

“Close already, ain’t she” he mutters to himself, then glances up at you. “Gonna put my mouth here, k sweetheart?” The thumb on your clit taps it twice. You nod and your pussy clenches around his finger. “God damn,” he whispers. 

Tommy takes his thumb away and rests that hand on your thigh. His breath is humid on your mound as his mouth gets close, with a thick finger still slowly moving in your core. He licks his lips, then plants a tender kiss on your clit as the finger inside you slowly moves. Your hips lift into Tommy’s mouth. 

Joel's hard cock lightly grinds against you. “Good girl,” Joel says with your breasts under his palms. You can hardly stand it. 

Tommy licks down to your hole, where his tongue meets his finger, then he licks back up and sucks on your clit. He adds another finger, and when you twitch around them, he hums “Mm”  into your clit. He presses his tongue just below it and sucks more. 

You whimper, and Joel nuzzles his nose against your ear. “That’s it, baby, that’s it.” 

You’re about to burst. Tommy hums into your clit again and his fingers curl inside you. 

The first pulse of your climax is long and hard and you whimper, “daddy,” closing your eyes and pressing your back into Joel’s chest as your walls clamp down on Tommy’s fingers and your hips lift into his mouth. As the force of your climax overtakes you, you jerk in Joel’s embrace and Tommy groans into your cunt. The way you squeeze Tommy’s fingers makes him shudder, and you whimper again. 

“It’s okay,” Joel whispers as you finish. 

Tommy pulls away and his face glistens from the mustache down. 

“Oh, fuck,” Tommy sighs and palms himself. “She’s somethin’ else, Joel.” 

“Sure is,” Joel answers quietly and proudly, punctuated just for you with a barely perceptible thrust. Tommy breathes heavily and rubs the front of his jeans. 

“Just imagine,” Tommy’s eyes scan your body. “Imagine her knocked up,” Tommy’s brow furrows at Joel, then his eyes return to your body. “Round ’n swollen from all this cum.” Tommy’s breath is heavy. “Fuck.” He looks like it hurts. 

With the look on Tommy’s face, you can’t help but sit up a little bit to try to get a look at his pants. Joel notices and leans forward a bit. Tommy’s jeans are tight with a hefty shape below his belt, curving over the top of his thigh like a large sausage. It makes you wet your lips. Tommy cracks a smile. “Yeah, that’s for you, sugar,” he murmurs. “You did that.” He strokes the solid shape and looks at you hungrily. “Wanna see it, cupcake?” 

“Um,” you hesitate. 

“Sure ya do, baby,” Joel reassures you softly, and you nod. 

-

Tommy gets up on the sofa next to you and Joel. He unbuckles his jeans, biting his lip at you. He unzips, then pulls down his pants. 

He wraps his hand around the protrusion in his boxers and reads your face. “Feelin’ a little shy, sugar. Why don’t ya bring him out?”  

Joel rotates the two of you to face Tommy more. “Go ‘head, baby.” 

You lean forward and Tommy takes his hand away, leaving a massive tent. First, you squeeze his thick shaft through his boxers. Your breath hitches. His eyes sparkle as he watches your face. 

“Why don’t ya come a little closer, honey,” Tommy murmurs. 

“Go on,” Joel agrees. “Sit in Uncle Tommy’s lap.” 

You slowly get up, and Joel palms himself for relief as you straddle Tommy’s thighs. Joel sighs as he strokes himself through his jeans.  Tommy’s hands on your lower back help you balance. You take Tommy’s boxers down below his thick cock and it’s leaking with precum. He helps you take the boxers down further, freeing his hefty balls as well. 

“You wanna touch these too?” Tommy asks and cradles his balls. You must look curious. “It’s okay, ya can,” he smiles.  He reaches out for your hand and you give it to him. He cups his balls with your hand and takes a deep breath. “Yeah, good girl. He smears the precum on his tip while you gently cup his balls and admire his cock. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Joel has taken his cock out, and he spits onto it. You turn and stare at Joel’s cock longingly. He looks back at you warmly and says, “When you’re done with that one, baby doll.” You give Tommy’s balls a soft squeeze, then abandon them to hold onto his shoulders with both hands. 

Tommy holds his cock straight up while you hover it. He runs the head of his cock through your dripping folds, then teases your clit with his tip before nestling it at your entrance. As soon as he’s notched there, you begin to sink down. You sigh and he shudders as his cock spreads your insides. “Fuck,” he breathes. He takes a deeper breath with his eyes closed, and his nose twitches. As your body accommodates him, you admire the way his strong chest rises and falls under his chain. Tommy lifts up the skirt of your dress to have a better look. 

“Take it off,” Joel tells him. “Lemme see my pretty girl.” You take your hands off Tommy’s shoulders and Tommy helps remove your dress, leaving you naked. “Good,” Joel murmurs. 

Tommy’s warm palms map your back as he takes in the full sight of your body in the warm flickering light from the fire.  You begin to move on Tommy’s cock, and he rests his hands on  your sides.  Tommy’s hips lift into you, pushing his cock deeper, making you sigh.  You hold onto his shoulders and keep looking at Joel as you ride his brother. “Fuck, she feels good,” Tommy mutters. 

Joel looks at you darkly and nods as he watches you. He spits again and strokes himself slowly.  You bend forward and rest your head in the crook of Tommy’s neck, with your face turned toward Joel. You slowly move your hips, and Joel’s eyes follow your cunt up and down as you take Tommy's length. Joel’s big veiny hand wrapped around his cock makes you twitch around Tommy. Joel is so patient and generous. You think about what Tommy said - they’ve been sharin’ their toys for fifty years. It feels special, getting to watch Joel’s cock and feel full of one at the same time. You twitch again and tilt your hips for more pressure on your clit. 

“Fuck,” Tommy whispers. “Gonna cum already?”

You keep watching Joel, and don’t answer. You’re in a daze. You’re gonna miss this when Tommy leaves town again. It feels like Joel is watching you and fucking you too, somehow. You move slowly at a steady rhythm that matches Joel’s hand on his own cock. 

Joel nods as he asks, “Gonna cum on Uncle Tommy’s cock?” 

“Yeah,” you whisper. You tilt your hips and grind your clit into Tommy’s pubic bone with the heft of his cock dragging inside you, hugged by your walls. 

“Fuck, yeah,” Tommy whispers. 

“Mmm,” you whine, and watch Joel watching you. Tommy’s hands on your ass guide your movements, still in rhythm with Joel’s self-pleasure. 

“Breathe, sweetheart,” Tommy whispers, and you realize you’re holding your breath with the tension. You exhale with a sigh, then Tommy takes a deep breath with you and nods. 

“God damn, you look good, baby,” Joel murmurs, and his husky voice puts you over the edge. You whine as your cunt chokes Tommy’s cock, you tilt your hips, pushing your clit into his pubic hair, and Tommy groans with your climax. 

“Oh, God,” Tommy breathes, “Fuck–Ohh, f–” He looks at Joel. 

Joel nods, “Fill her up.” 

Tommy’s fingers dig into your hips, pulling you down on him, and he erupts.  He sighs, “Ohhh, fuck” and his hips lift into you as the warmth spreads through your core and clench on him in fading pulses. 

Joel scoots closer to Tommy, eyeing where your bodies are joined. When you’re finished coming, Tommy helps you off his lap. Tommy’s cock slides out of you, and he offers a hand for you to hold onto for balance as you move to Joel’s lap. 

You straddle Joel’s thighs. With your thighs spread wide over Joel’s lap, your cunt is spread open and a bit of Tommy’s cum dribbles out as you put your arms around Joel’s neck and kiss him. Joel kisses you tenderly, then looks down between your bodies where you’re dripping on him. 

“Sorry, daddy,” you whisper, embarrassed.

“It’s okay, baby doll.” Joel looks down at his cock suggestively. You sink down on it in a hurry, and your mouth falls open as Joel’s throbbing manhood makes you whole. Tommy tucks his softening cock into his boxers and watches in a daze.

“Oh, baby,” Joel sighs. “Feel even better than ya look.” His hips rock up into you as you ride him. You kiss him again and he holds you close. You feel so full of him, and yet he slides easily in and out with the combined mess from you and Tommy. You can hear a light squelching, and the milky mix is gathering in Joel��s dark pubic hair, making it look grayer . It’s sloppy, and obscene, and it turns you on more. 

Joel watches his cock disappearing into you, and with both your eyes on the mess, he asks, “How’s that, baby?”

“Feels so good,” you whine. Joel’s hands are warm on your hips.  You let him take over, moving you on his cock. You rest your limply in his arms.  Joel grunts and moans into your hair, and you sigh and whimper. You look at Tommy, and Tommy gives you a little smile, then rests his hand on your thigh, under Joel’s wrist.  Your insides are all buzzing, swollen with tension already again. You study Joel’s face. A fine mist has gathered on his temples. He rakes his hair back, then returns his hand to your hip. 

“Mmm,” Joel hums with his cock dragging snugly between your walls. He cradles your head with one hand and brings your face to his for a long, deep kiss that gets wet and sloppy. He lightly bites your bottom lip. He pulls back to look at you again, watching your body with as much hunger as if it’s the first time. 

“Gonna fill ya up, baby,” Joel breathes, then moans, “Ahh–ungh–when you’re ready.” He slows you down on his cock, moving you only with the lift of his hips, using his hands for balance only.  

You nod, and Joel responds, “mmmmm-yyeah,” and explodes with a long, loud sigh.  It’s a massive eruption.  “Ohhh,” he moans and moves you slowly on his cock while the warm bursts fill you up. You look down and it’s overflowing into his pubic hair. 

He whispers, “’s ok–ohhh,” releasing another burst of cum. “Ohh, good girl.” 

-

Joel wraps his arms around you, and you rest your head in the crook of his neck. 

You shiver in some kind of deep contentment, and Joel rubs your back with his big, warm hands. 

Tommy asks, “You cold, sugar?” 

You shake your head, your skin still tingling warm from the pleasure. 

Tommy picks up your dress anyway. He stays seated next to you and Joel and helps put it on you while you’re still plugged by Joel’s cock.  Tommy pulls the dress down over your breasts and lets the fabric hang, covering the mess on Joel’s lap. Then Tommy reaches under your dress, stopping just below your breasts.  The back of his hand holds the fabric out toward Joel’s chest. He moves his hand in a curving  motion, making the dress look like you’re pregnant.  “One day I’ll come back, n’ you’ll be out to here,” Tommy murmurs.  He lets the dress collapse, then pats your lower belly and your face heats up.

“I dunno,” you mutter shyly and glance at Joel, grateful that he hasn’t made you do it. He certainly could. He controls the medicinal tea and keeps the calendar. 

Joel looks at you with kind eyes and shakes his head.”Scares her,” he tells Tommy. “She don’t wanna push one out.”

“Well, I reckon I wouldn’t either,” Tommy chuckles. “That’s okay, sugar.” Tommy cups your cheek and brushes it with his thumb.

“But maybe if we stretch her out good,” Joel muses softly, “Show her what this body can do. . . She’ll come around.” 

“Ohh yeah,” Tommy moans, taking his hand back. He stretches his back. 

“You liked that, right baby?” Joel asks you. “What we did last time?” 

You nod and mostly suppress a smile. 

Joel winks at Tommy, then gives you a kiss on the forehead. 

-

Once Joel lets you off his lap, he takes you to the bathroom so you can go and he can clean both of you up. When you come back to the sofa, Tommy pulls a blanket over all three of you and you snuggle up. Joel has his arm around you and Tommy is rubbing your thigh affectionately. When you get sleepy, you lie down with your head in Joel's lap and your legs draped over Tommy's. It wouldn't be so bad to be snowed in a few more days.

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Thank you so much for reading. Love you all and always appreciate your sweet comments and thots.

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I have another recent Joel x reader ft. Tommy with a different set miller bros: leopard print

And a darker Tommy x reader here: birds of prey

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FIC RECS (@toxicrecs for more)

(Same as the list in Stuffing) - If you like brotherly sharing, a couple of my personal favorites are I can be your pretty girl parts 4 and 5 (but the whole series) by @walkintotheriveranddisappear, Liquid Gold and its prequel Two Hands to Hold by @gasolinerainbowpuddles,If you like the idea of daddy/uncle, @bonezone44 has Joel, tommy, and Ezra. More sharing - Smack My Bitch Up, raider AU by @milla-frenchy. If you wanna suck Tommy's big balls, @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin has you covered. Also, @wannab-urs has a new spreadsheet digest dedicated to multiples.

I hear you about notifs not working, i hear you about tags not working (i'm not receiving a lot of my tags either). consider checking my fic notifs blog @toxicfics or the "latest fics" link on my profile header once in a while to see what you might have missed.

: @silkiers @eiviea @evyiione @queerly-anxious @chernayawidow @ambassadortotrilliusprime @fandomsfallnomore @djarinxore @blackvelveteen1339 @manazo @taeslarityy @str84pedro @lokanda  @kyloispunk @filthfairy @fieryglutenfreechickennoodles @harriedandharassed @moonlightdivine @worhols @fan-fiction-floozy @cutesyscreenname   @weddingfairy @pedropascal-whore @spideysimpossiblegirl @feministfanboi @prettypartyfavor @am-3-thyst @babeincolor @switchbladedreamz @within-the-depths @may-machin @sloanexx @paleidiot @yourmistysecret @bean-is-reading

[lokischocolatefountain]

Purpose

Fandom: The Last of Us

Word count: 12.7k

Rating: PG13 for violence (Fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, hurt/no comfort, mention of sexual harassment, minor character deaths, major character death, death of a child, grief, blood and gore)

Summary: “I think if he (Joel) could do anything or be anything, he would be a dad, raising his daughter. Whether it’s Sarah or— he can’t quite get there yet to say it’s Ellie but that's what he was put on this Earth to do. That’s why he’s been wandering around a little like a zombie himself for 20 years. He’s trying to find his purpose because it was taken from him.” -Craig Mazin

A/N: I’ve been writing bits and pieces of this for moooonths! Since the last episode aired. So I really really hope you guys like it. I love all the Joel & Ellie fics out there but there’s a hole in my heart where the Joel & Sarah fics should be. So here you go, a one shot of Joel Miller and his purpose in life, how he earned it and how he lost it.

20th July 1989

What do you want to be when you grow up?

It was a question that adults asked way too many times. Way too casually. It was as though they had forgotten what it felt like to be a teenager with a whole world of possibilities, the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be everything from an astronaut to an actor. They never accepted the answer they got from the kids. At least that was Joel’s experience. They always laughed when he said he wanted to be a singer. That’s not a real job, they’d say. So, he made up something that he didn’t even want to do.

Accountant. That’s what he told people he’d become. He didn’t even know what that job entailed. He just blurted it out, possibly because his new classmate’s dad was an accountant and that was the first thing that came to his mind. And because it was a real job unlike singer.

That also didn’t quite cut it for adults. You need to be good at math for that. They were right. He was no good at it. As he sat on the hospital chair, too afraid to move or breathe, he wished he’d been better at math. Maybe that would’ve gotten him a better job than building. He’d be in an office and make enough money for this.

The baby stirred in his arms and let out a low whine and his heart almost fucking stopped. She was so little, so fucking fragile. One wrong move and she could wake up. His mother told him to put her back in the crib, so did the mother of the girl who was fast asleep on the hospital bed. His mother-in-law. But he couldn’t. He was afraid that once he put her down, she’d disappear. She would. Both their parents were in contact with some adoption people and they were going through a list of names of respectable men and women with respectable jobs and good loving homes. There were some accountants on the list. They were probably good at math and didn’t have to get yelled at everyday for buying the wrong valves and choosing the wrong brand of grout. The prospective fathers were all at least a decade older than he was.

But he couldn’t put her down.

So he stayed awake on the chair throughout the night, his back hurting just a little but his heart full.

Wanting to be a singer was just a childish fantasy. Accounting was just something he made up to look serious in the eyes of grown ups. There were other ideas too— soccer player, fireman, cop. None of them felt right.

And what was it they always said about jobs? Do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life? He’d never loved anything. Until now. Never found a purpose. Until now.

He cradled her close to his chest, supporting her tiny soft head with his hand. Fuck, her head was so little, so soft. His large hands already marked up by construction jobs felt unworthy of touching such pureness.

Sarah.

He can’t give her away. Not after the name popped into his head. He didn’t know why, couldn’t explain it to anyone who asked. But she was Sarah.

Sarah Miller, he thought when he realized he had a purpose for the first time in his life.

They told him he can’t do it, that he shouldn’t. They told him he didn’t know the first thing about babies. The girl he got pregnant— his wife—is hurt, said he can’t go back on their promise to give the baby up for adoption so that she can go back to school to be a lawyer. She said it will ruin her life and he had to agree. It will. The innocent little thing that continued sleeping on his lap did kind of ruin her life. She had to take a break fro, school, put up with morning sickness and bloating and back pain and fucking everything because of the baby. Raising her for 18 years? That would be the nail on the coffin of her dreams.

But he wasn’t the dreaming kind.

“I ain’t askin’. I know it’s not fair to ya. You already done everythin’, but…” I can’t imagine a life without Sarah. He had known her for less than 10 hours and life already seemed meaningless without her in it. “I’ll do it myself, okay? You don’t gotta do anything. You never have to visit. I just… I can’t give her up, darlin’. I promise I won’t rope you into this. I’ll fuckin’ disappear, never call you or write to you.”

“Joel…”

His mother thought she was a cruel girl to want to leave her baby behind when he, the father, stepped up to provide. But he had no feelings of anger towards her. They made a promise to each other. He was the one who broke it, not her. He would break all his promises to everyone in his life, no matter what, just to be his little girl’s dad.

“We’re too young.”

He nodded. He knew that. He’d been an adult for a grand total of four years and most of it, he’d spent drinking and working on construction. No transferable skills there. He was still kind of a kid and knew fuck all about raising a whole new person. The prospect was terrifying. It was even more terrifying to lose her, though. It felt like if he was taken away from his baby girl, he would fucking die.

“It’ll be harder to do anything. Parties, work, college, sleep. Everything will be harder.”

“Yeah,” he croaked, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He was only now old enough to legally get very drunk and illegally continue smoking joints in the storage shed with his friends. They had only recently bought themselves a proper plate and silverware. Eating out of the pot used to be more than enough before.

He’d just started taking care of himself. Just started doing his laundry in the local laundromat instead of driving his dirty clothes all the way to his parents’ for his mom to wash and fold up for him. He’d just started separating his whites from his coloured clothes.

It felt like his heart could fucking leap out of his chest when he wrote it down.

Name: Sarah Miller

Father’s name: Joel Miller

When I grow up, I want to be a father. This would not have been an acceptable answer to the adults. They liked hearing that from little girls, but not from boys. Adults thought boys should have more ambition than that. Fuck, he was an adult. Fuck. Fucking hell.

She asked for a divorce, reluctant and scared. He could tell she still loved him. It may have been their parents’ idea for them to marry, but they did have a good 7 months of marriage. They were friends, kind of. Despite the young parenthood and the anger about damaged condoms and who was responsible for getting drunk enough to have sex using a broken condom, they didn’t fight much. In another world, they would have been a good couple. Not this one. Losing her hurt, but he had to choose between her and his baby.

He signed the papers.

She visited the baby a few times, but never held her. Her older sister dropped off breast milk from her a few times and he was so grateful. He heard that it was very important for the baby’s health. He gave her formula, but this was more important according to the doctor. She said the mother’s milk had some stuff in it that the baby really needed. He didn’t know what the hell it was, he tried his best to remember the complicated words but they didn’t stick. He was just happy that Sarah could be healthy.

3rd August 1989

Bullshit. What a load of bullshit.

Do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life? He wanted to backhand whoever said that.

“I got you baby, Daddy’s got you,” he said, rubbing her back as she cried into his chest. “Here’s your bottle. Just a few seconds and you’ll have your milk, okay?”

Tommy looked at him like he was a space alien. Yeah it was fucking weird, alright. He was in his shorts in the kitchen, wearing a smelly t-shirt and talking to his baby who didn’t know how to reply. But what did Tommy know? He didn’t have to be the one with no human company other than a little baby who didn’t know shit about shit.

He loved Sarah. He never knew what love was until Sarah. He thought he loved his parents, he might love Tommy just a little even though he was fucking annoying and got into trouble all the time. He fell in love a few times before Sarah’s mom and he was in love with Sarah’s mom. But maybe he didn’t love them. He didn’t love any of them. They should either invent a new word for whatever he felt for Sarah or a new, less stronger word for what he felt for every other person.

He really truly loved her. But that still didn’t make him feel like he wasn’t working. This was the most work he had ever done in his life. Even the sleepless week he spent building that shop, fuelled by energy drinks and coffee to afford baby clothes and medicines when his then wife was 8 months pregnant didn’t come close.

Sarah woke up crying all the goddamn time.

He knew babies always cried. They couldn’t talk or write or do anything else to communicate. So they cried. But it always felt like a personal failure when she did. Like he was the bad dad everyone expected a 22 year old single father to be.

“She always do that?” Tommy asked when Sarah finally quietened down as she sucked on the bottle he held to her mouth.

“Pretty much. She can’t talk or nothin’, so…”

Tommy nodded and then yawned. God, this boy. Joel had a lot to worry about now and everything he worried about involved Sarah. But he couldn’t not worry about his baby brother. Before he was a father, he was Tommy’s big brother and he will never stop worrying about him. He always got himself into trouble trying to do something good, something noble. The latest one was talkin’ ‘bout enlisting in the fuckin’ army.

He seemed to really really want to be in the army, but that didn’t say much. Tommy really really wanted to do fucking everything. While Joel was the brother with no strong ambitions other than Sarah, Tommy was the brother with too many ambitions. He fought off kids bigger than him if they bullied his classmates, spoke up against teachers who said somethin’ racist, punched a grown man for looking at his female friend wrong. And it was always on Joel to rescue him.

He would run off to a bunch of wars to protect his stupid little brother again. But for the first time he didn’t want to. He had a purpose now. His baby brother needed saving all the time, but his baby needed him for everything.

Tommy would have to handle himself. No big brother to shield him from bullets.

“Don’t fuck up, alright? Ma don’t need that now. I’m already fuckin’ up and she don’t need you to fuck up too.”

“You’re not fuckin’ up, Joel. Ma loves Sarah,” Tommy says, his voice soft as he gently taps Sarah’s cheek with his finger. She looks up at her Uncle Tommy and he swears she’s a little annoyed at him for disturbing her third dinner time. There was no way he was imagining that. He didn’t know if babies were smart enough to be annoyed, but Sarah was. She was a smart one. Tommy had to see that too.

“Yeah yeah, sorry,” Tommy laughed as he apologized to her. He could see it, Tommy also loved Sarah. He was an Uncle and shit. His baby brother, an Uncle. Wild.

Of course Ma loved Sarah. Everyone loved Sarah. He didn’t think it was possible for anyone to look at his baby girl and not fall in love immediately.

“I’m serious, Tommy. Don’t fu—” Fuck! No swearing. Ma warned that if he kept swearing around the baby, her first word might be fuck or shit or goddamn it. “Don’t mess up, okay?” He quickly corrected himself.

“Ma loves Sarah, but that don’t make me any less of a failure. I’m a twenty one year old divorced single father with no chances to go to college and no prospects other than construction. You gotta be better than that.”

He nodded, looking stern and a little too grown up for his age. He was too grown up to be an uncle, too grown to be shipped off God knows where to shoot at other kids but it was what it was. “Yeah…”

After a couple minutes of silence, Tommy spoke up again. “At least she won’t bug me for grandkids, right? You already gave her one.”

“Yeah, the perfect one. Gonna be difficult for your future kid to meet Ma’s high expectations.” He said, smirking. He was never competitive. Never did anything just to be better than someone else at it. The age gap between him and Tommy made him more of of protective older brother than a competitive one. But he was pitting Tommy’s non-existent kid against his baby and it didn’t even feel wrong.

“Fuck you, dude,” he laughed.

“No swearing ‘round her. Don’t want her first word to be that.”

Tommy burst out laughing. “It’ll be funny, though. Just imagine that in a little baby voice.”

He chuckled and conceded, “Yeah, it’ll be funny. But I’m serious. No swearing.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

25th December 1989

“Look at that! Ain’t it pretty?” He cooed, exaggerating the beauty of the scene in front of him. Her eyes were brighter than any Christmas light on the tree in the living room. They were brighter than the sun and the moon and all the stars in the night sky he pointed out to her.

She was wrapped up in several layers of clothes. For a baby, she had too many clothes and it was a pain in the ass to wash and fold. But she looked so adorable in all those layers. It was like she was a soft, formless ball.

He laughed as she moved her arms around and bounced on the couch. She was propped up by two pillows and he put a couple more on the floor just in case. He wouldn’t let her fall, but just in case. She pointed at the bauble he plucked off the Christmas tree, her baby bird-like mouth forming into a little O shape. She laughed and reached her arms out for it. He let her touch it. How could he not when she looked at it like it was the most wonderful thing in the universe.

She looked at everything like it was the most wonderful thing in the world.

He picked her up from her fortress of pillows and held her on his waist, carrying her closer to the tree. Carefully, he placed her higher on top of him, her legs on his shoulders and her hands gripping his hair for dear life. The mirror above the fireplace framed them like a photograph, their first Christmas together. One hand still on his hair, she reached out for a bauble, a present from an aunt for his shotgun wedding.

It should make him sad, but he found himself…happy. Sure, life would be easier if he had Pam to share the duties of parenthood. Sure it was shit to be a divorcee at the age of twenty two. But he had Sarah at the end of the marriage and that was worth everything.

While he was preoccupied with the meaning behind the ornament, his daughter was completely unconcerned with events that occurred before her birth. She inspected the ornament with a kind of gentleness he hadn’t seen in many babies— he remembered Tommy to be the kind to break things with his enthusiasm and cry over the destruction he’d wreaked. Sarah tapped on it gently with her hand and squealed with delight.

“It’s cool, huh?” He said, making conversation with her. She hummed in response and moved to an unusual ornament shaped like a butterfly, her eyes wide with curiosity and her fingers cautiously inspecting the antlers. Father and child stood in front of the Christmas tree all night long, inspecting every single ornament and making conversation in the language only they knew to speak.

If she loved the tree so much, he decided, he’d keep it in the living room in the fucking summer. Who said you couldn’t have a Christmas tree in June? He fucking loved being her dad.

18th January 1990

He fucking hated being a dad.

He would never let her know. God, he would never ever tell her that.

“Daddy’s got you, daddy’s got you. Everything is fine, baby girl.”

It was like she didn’t even hear him. She kept crying those heartbreaking, soul-crushing cries. He gave her the medicines that the doctor told him to buy. He did fucking everything but she still wouldn’t stop crying. He had to be doing something wrong. He told Ma that, but she said that was how babies were and he just had to take care of her, hold her close and wait for her temperature to go down.

But what until then?

“Ma! Ma, she won’t stop crying.”

“Did you give her the medicines?” His mother’s drowsy voice came through the phone. He shouldn’t be disturbing her after the day she had, but he couldn’t be bothered about her comfort. His baby was crying, goddamn it!

“Yeah, I did. Still won’t stop,” he said, his voice breaking and he bounced the baby, hoping that would soothe her.

“Did you check her temperature?”

“Yeah. Hundred and two.”

“It’s gone down then. She’s getting better.”

“Why’s she still cryin’ then?”

He was a grown man, a father, but god he felt like a fuckin’ kid again. He wanted his Ma. He wanted her to drive all the way to his place and tell him what to do to fix her, make her pain go away.

“That’s how it is, Joel. This is normal. I’ll be there in the morning when your old man can drive me, okay? She’ll get better, kid. Don’t worry too much.”

Ma was right, she did get better. But it was the worst night of his life and he would put her in a medically sealed safe room for the rest of her life just to never have to relive it.

She got sick again, of course. She was a kid and as he learned, kids were germ magnets. It was intolerable and it made him hate being a father. That made him feel guilty. It was stupid, he knew that. What could he even do? Punch germs in the face? Throw hands with the daycare mom who didn’t vaccinate her kid who ended up coughing on his baby girl?

He hated what being a father made him think and do. He felt unhinged, irrational. But it never felt wrong. And he never hated being her father. This was his purpose and he didn’t mind being a fuckin’ psycho who thought of fighting the baby who gave his baby a fever.

28th April 1991

“Can I have one, please?”

Joel brought the hammer down on the nail, looking up every now and then for glimpses of his daughter sitting on her uncle’s lap.

She looked at Tommy with her perfect angel eyes, hand messy and gripped around a disgusting soggy cookie she’d soaked with her saliva. She shook her head at Tommy before putting the cookie back in her mouth.

“Please? Uncle Tommy is hungry. And your dad won’t feed me.” He gave her his best puppy-dog eyes, but his baby girl didn’t budge. She hugged the packet of cookies close to her chest like Tommy was gonna snatch it from her and it made both of them laugh. He dropped his hammer on the floor and walked up to them.

He got on his knees next to Tommy’s chair and looked at her. “Please can I have one? Daddy’s hungry.”

She took her cookie out of her mouth and stretched her hand out to him. He leaned in, no hesitation and took the entire soggy piece in his mouth.

“Duuuude! Seriously? I bought those cookies and you’ll share it with your daddy but not with me? What a pair of scammers.”

Joel sent a smug smile his way before returning back to work. Babies were pretty selfish and Sarah was no exception, but he was an exception and that made him feel like the most special man in Texas.

“Miller,” a stern voice interrupted his family. He didn’t know whether it was directed towards him or towards Tommy, but the both of them apologized and left Sarah to her own devices before returning to work.

“Clients are such meanies, aren’t they?” He whispers to Sarah when the client is out of sight.

“Meanie!” She exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air and lifting the packet of cookies with her. He laughed. That was a new word. She was a smart one.

They work all night, both of them. Sarah sleeps in the baby seat he bought for his truck. The daycare moms suggested it and he was so glad he bought one. It was damn expensive but ‘twas helpful for when they’re both working and Ma couldn’t take Sarah.

16th October 1992

Kids asked a lot of questions. Sarah did too.

Why is the sky blue? Why are some trees tall but other trees short? Why are soap suds all white no matter the color of the soap? What is a library? Why does Grandma have grey hair? Why does Uncle Tommy have long hair? What is a housing loan? What is concrete? Why is concrete gray? Why won’t you let me touch concrete?

He didn’t have a problem with the non-stop questions like other parents did. It was better for her to channel her curiosity into questions than get into trouble trying to find answers herself. His problem was that he wasn’t smart enough to answer ‘em.

He eventually did. Or hoped that she’d forget that he said he’ll ask someone and get back to her with the answer. But this wasn’t something he could ask someone else. It wasn’t something he could hope she’d forget. If she forgot now, she’d ask again later at some point in her life.

“What’s my mommy’s name?”

“Her name was Pamela.”

Was, he said. Like she was fucking dead. It had been years since he’d said that name. What a strange turn life took. Once upon a time, his whole world revolved around Pam and now he’d half forgotten what she looked like.

“Where is she?”

Last he heard, somewhere in New York. She became a lawyer. Good for her.

“I don’t know, baby,” he lied. What was the point of telling her where her mother was? She didn’t even know where New York was. She hadn’t even thought to ask about her mother in all these years. Well, she couldn’t even speak for a good portion of it but still…

“All the other kids have a mommy. Why don’t I have one?” Was he not enough? A lot of people reminded him that kids needed a mother more than they needed a father. That little girls needed a mother. That he wouldn’t know what the hell to do when she wanted cookies for the school bake sale or wanted a cute braid or got her period. He told all of them to go fuck themselves. Politely.

Her tiny hands held the stuffed animal he spent too much time and money on to win at the fair. Her innocent little eyes begged him for answers, reminding him where she got ‘em from. They looked like when Pam told him she was pregnant, scared and confused and begging him to do something, help somehow.

He might get a heart attack in his mid twenties.

“It’ll be harder to do anything. Parties, work, college, sleep. Everything will be harder.”

He didn’t know it would be like this. He knew the question would come up but he wasn’t prepared.

“I…”

She was patient. He picked her up from her chair and held her to his chest, wishing she’d go back to just babbling and looking cute.

“Most babies have two parents. A mommy and a daddy. Do you know why?”

She shook her head and kept her attention on his every word.

“Because they’re all so naughty.”

That got a laugh out of her. An easy smile found itself on his lips. It was hard to not smile when he saw her smile.

“Jason has a mommy and daddy,” he said, referring to the boy she had a few play dates with. “He gets in a lot of trouble so he needs to parents to take care of him. But you’re such a good kid, the best kid in the world and God knows that. So he just gave you one parent. Because Daddy is enough to take care of you.”

He was enough. He was enough to take care of her. He could pay for her daycare and clothes and health and everything. He read her bedtime stories and took her to work and kept her away from the tools.

He was enough.

“Is she taking care of another kid then? Is that why she’s not here?”

Jesus Christ, this girl.

“I don’t know, baby.”

“Oh. Can we go to the park?”

And just like that, she was over it. Thank fucking God.

He held her curls and gave her a kiss on her head. She was so special, she was so perfect. She deserved everything, deserved the whole universe, deserved a mom. He would spend his whole life and more giving her whatever she needed.

1st September 1993

“Here’s some snacks for you. I’ll leave it in your bag. Don’t forget to have it, okay?”

She nodded, munching on her cereal as he packed her backpack for her first day of school. He was nervous, but she looked completely fine. So did Tommy on his first day of school, but he ended up throwing a tantrum at the school gates and refused to let go of their parents. Joel had to promise him a full bar of candy to get him to finally walk into school.

Just so it was not too jarring for her, he made it a point to drive past her school every now and then. As they passed by, he explained to her that she would be going there everyday very soon and make a lot of tiny friends.

Construction work meant that schedules were all over the place. Sarah, having had no independent life of her own so far, was forced to stick to his messy days, waking up and sleeping at different times. Joel changed that to prepare her for waking up early to go to school.

With her bag packed with her pencil case, water bottle, snacks, color pencils and the books and notebook her school asked her to bring, it was time to move on to the next task.

“Daddy, I want the purple bows today. The new ones Nana bought.”

“I know, baby girl. I got them here already,” he said, pulling out the bright purple hair accessories from his pocket where he’d also shoved her hair brush, handkerchief and socks. He pulled her hair together in two pigtails, proud of himself for how far he’d come in doing her hair from a confused man asking his very few female friends for help to a natural dad who did this every morning.

He clipped a bow on each side, the little purple things sitting at the base of her soft rounded hair style. She climbed up the table without notice and checked herself out on the mirror nearby, grinning as she touched her hair.

“Thank you, daddy.”

“Aww, you’re welcome baby girl,” he cooed, pulling her close and placing kisses on her cheeks and forehead. He couldn’t believe she was ready for school already. It felt like she was born just yesterday. Each day was long and difficult, but together they’d all passed by in the blink of an eye. He didn’t know if she was prepared for such a big step, to be in school everyday for a couple hours without him.

“Tickles,” she giggled as his mustache scratched her cheeks. He kissed her again, making her fill the living room once again with her squeals and laughter.

“I want the orange shoes today,” she said, placing her foot on his chest.

“Sure? You picked the black socks with the green aliens. Shouldn’t you wear black shoes?”

“You don’t know fashion, daddy. You wear only boring tops without cartoon characters. And you don’t even have Barbie clothes.”

“Yeah, yeah. Orange shoes it is then,” he said, slipping the shoes she demanded on her feet. At least they were Velcro and she could remove them and put them back on easily without help.

Soon, Tommy had arrived at their door and like the menace he was, brought some candies.

“Tommy,” he spoke in a stern tone.

“Come on, Joel! It’s a big day. Our baby girl is all grown up and going to school!”

“I’m a big girl!” She exclaimed, pumping her little fists in the air like she’d won a medal.

“Yeah, very big,” Tommy laughed, putting the candies in her school backpack. “Now, be nice and share some candy with your classmates. That’s the quickest way to make friends.”

She listened to his advice intently and Joel wondered if she’d take a pen and notepad out to take his advice down if only she knew how to string alphabets together to make words.

While he usually sat in the front and let Sarah sit in the back of the truck, he chose to sit in the back this time, offering her the comfort and confidence she needed to take this big leap.

“…be a good girl and listen to your teacher. And don’t use any rude words, okay? Stuff you hear at daddy’s work, it’s only for grown ups. You understand?”

She nodded, beady eyes focused on the glittery designs of her backpack rather than his words. As much as he tried to speak properly around her, he couldn’t stop her from learning the crass words spoken by the people he worked with at the construction sites. And because daycare was expensive and he didn’t feel comfortable leaving her with strangers for such a big part of the day, she had to be at his workplaces, heart no those words.

“Don’t be scared. It’s just school and it’ll be fun. You’ll get to read new stories and make new friends. It can be scary in the beginning but it will be so much fun,” he continued on, caressing her back as he held her close.

“What do you do if you’re scared or if you want daddy?”

“I’ll tell my teacher you’re waiting outside and I want to go to you,” she repeated the words he’d been drilling into her head for months. He had taken the entire week off work to wait for Sarah outside school. Just in case she really needed him before the end of the school day. God forbid there be an injury or something.

“You’ve seen your classroom before, remember? With the colorful stickers on the walls?” She nodded, walking next to him as she looked around at the other kids and parents on the campus for their first day. He averted her eyes from the crying kids, afraid that seeing them might make her cry too.

Joel dreaded the waterworks, dreaded how her sparkling eyes would brim with tears and her little lips would pout before fat tears rolled down her cheeks. She was too precious for that and her tears always made him want to tear up anything and anyone who caused it. It didn’t matter that she also cried for the silliest reasons and cried when she threw tantrums. They never stopped having that heartstrings-pulling effect they had when she came crying and screaming into the world. Those cries that convinced him that he shouldn’t give her up, that he couldn’t trust anyone else on the planet to comfort her the way he could.

When they reached her classroom and met Mrs. Moore, he handed her backpack over to her. Kneeling in front of her, he gave her a few kisses on her cheeks. “Be good, okay? Daddy’s right outside and I’ll pick you up when school is over. Yeah?”

“Okay, daddy!” She said cheerfully. He turned his cheek to her for a kiss, but she didn’t notice, walking off in the other direction with her backpack. She dipped her bag on the table before introducing herself to another kid with her standard script for meeting others— her name, his name, her favorite cartoon characters and a handshake while she said it was nice to meet them.

“Dang, she couldn’t wait to ditch ya,” remarked Tommy as he watched Sarah socialize and show the kids the cartoon characters on her backpack.

Joel’s vision clouded with tears as he sat on his knees in the middle of the classroom. His lips trembled and his chest clenched at being left just like that by her. She never left him. Even when she was with her grandparents, she came running to their porch when she heard him and Tommy pull up in the drive.

Tommy dragged him away from the classroom when it was time for parents to leave. While he left, Joel’s heart stayed right there in the classroom.

“Goddamn,” he muttered as he wiped his tears off with the sleeves of his shirt. To think he was worried about her crying… Here he was, crying like a child while his actual child faced her first day of school with a big smile on her face.

“Can’t believe she’s in school already,” Tommy said and he nodded, not confident that he could speak without sobbing.

How was he supposed to do this everyday? Just leave her in a building with complete strangers and be confident that when he went back, she would be there, safe and happy. Other kids could bully her, her teacher might be rude to her, she might be hungry even after eating the snacks he packed her. How was he supposed to know how she was doing in all these hours she’d spend in a place with none of the friends and family she knew?

It was like taking your heart out your chest, putting a backpack on it and sending it away to fend for itself while praying that nothing bad would happen to it.

30th November 1994

Joel Miller would beat up anyone who made his baby girl cry. He didn’t care who it was. This time though, he had no one to blame but himself. She wouldn’t let him near her. She was crying, but she was also incredibly angry. Where did she even get anger from? He couldn’t believe that such a tiny little girl could have so much anger in her.

“I’m leaving the house and I’m never ever coming back!” She squeaked into the phone between sobs.

He was disappointed in himself. She was being especially difficult, yes. He had to drop her off at daycare and run to work, but she wouldn’t stop running around in the backyard in her pajamas. He’d had enough and yelled.

So here she was with her pink backpack full of her things that she packed herself— mismatched clothes, hairbrush, hair wrap, hair tie, teddy bear. She didn’t pack any underwear. She was stood on the couch to reach the landline phone, holding the receiver to her ear and asking, no demanding, that Uncle Tommy pick her up.

“Who made my baby girl cry? I’m gonna kick their butts,” Tommy declares as he walks in, popsicle in hand. He was gonna kick Tommy’s ass. She wasn’t supposed to have that shit. It was unhealthy. But apparently it wasn’t up to him anymore. It was Sarah and her Uncle Tommy’s world and he was just living in it.

“I’ll get him, okay baby?” He reassured her gently and Sarah nods before hugging Tommy.

Fucking drama queens, the both of them.

“Go wait in the truck and have this popsicle, okay? I’ll beat your dad up.”

She grinned— what the fuck. She grinned, took the stupid popsicle and ran off to the truck which neither of them asked to borrow. Fucking thieves.

Tommy burst out laughing as soon as she left.

“If you wanna be cool Uncle Tommy beatin’ her dad up, the least you can do it babysit her until she stops hatin’ me.”

“She doesn’t hate you!”

“You said you were going to beat me up and she fuckin smiled like you promised her a pony. Take her for the weekend,” he said, handing him the bag that he packed for her. And this one had her underwear, matching set of clothes, her favorite blanket and the story book she was currently reading.

He loved her but goddamn it, he needed a break. The teenage years were going to be hell.

26 September 1996

His hands are cover in glitter. And they’re also sticky for some reason. Something happened here. He didn’t know what, but he would find out. There’s a pair of scissors on the floor. He didn’t put them there and the only other person in the house was told very clearly to not touch them.

Rules were more like suggestions in this household.

“Sarah!” He calls out, walking around the house looking for her. Where the hell was this kid on a school day? It usually took waking her up a million times, took begging to get her to make her bed and some threats to get her outside her bedroom.

He almost yelped when a something, roughly the weight of one Sarah Miller, landed on his back and began giggling.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!!!” She screamed into his ear. His ears rang from the sound and his heart beat faster, but his heart also grew warmer.

He pulled her to his front and she wasted no time giving him wet kisses on his cheeks. “Thank you, baby girl,” he said, laughing from her enthusiasm. She had never remembered his birthday before, not that he expected her to. She barely remembered her own and made him count down to it from 3 months before the day. So it was a surprise that she remembered.

“I made you a gift,” she said, showing off the gaps between her teeth as she smiled.

“Whaaaat? A gift? For me?”

She nodded and wriggled out of his grip before running off. Her footsteps grew distant and then closer until she emerged with what he could only hope used to be paper. It was a sparkling red sheet. Under all the glitter, there had to be some paper left. There was paper and on it were the words ‘Happy birthday daddy’ written colorfully in crayons. He opened the card to find a drawing of him— beard, power tools, truck and all. It was labeled ‘daddy’.

On the right was a message from her, in her writing that started big and became smaller with each alphabet.

‘Happy Birthday Daddy. I love you.’

“Do you like it?” She asked, wide eyes looking at him expectantly.

“I love it! It’s perfect, baby,” he praised, picking her up off the ground and smothering her with kisses. She was the sweetest, most precious thing in the world. His Ma gave him a new shirt and Tommy bought him a bottle of good whiskey, but they paled in comparison to the card that he tucked away safely in the file with all their important documents, glitter be damned. The card collection grew over the years.

2nd February 1997

“You’ll like her, I promise!”

“Where have I heard that before?” Joel snorted, getting back under the truck to look for whatever the hell had gone wrong underneath for it to not start. They did take a bus to the construction site that morning, but they couldn’t do that again. The buses were unreliable and the walk to the bus stop took up half an hour. Sarah was already annoyed at him for not coming home on time. Last thing he wanted was to leave home earlier and come back later.

“Okay, that was one time! And she was a friend of a friend of a friend. I’ve met Judy and she’s definitely your type.”

“Sure,” he grunted, extending his hand out to get the tool he needed from Tommy.

“Curly hair, kind of tall. She’s clever. A math teacher, actually. Out of your league in that department so if you could pull her, it would be a miracle.”

“You settin’ me up for failure then.”

“Listen, she’s new to the city and she’s open to meeting people. It’s not gone be a date, Joel. Just drinks with her, a couple of her friends, my roommate and his sisters. You need a break.”

He hated to admit it even to himself, but Tommy was right. Not about dating, but about needing a break. He had been working a lot more recently. The contracting business was still in its infancy and needed a lot of his time and attention to just stay afloat. He didn’t have enough capital to invest in more monpower, so he had to take every call and make every decision and do every task he didn’t have enough guys for.

“I’ll think about it,” he said, wiping his face with the greasy cloth, getting more grease on himself than off.

“I’ll ask Ma to take Sarah. You know she’s dying to see that kid,” Tommy offered. He knew that it was meant to get him to feel better, less guilty about getting rid of Sarah for the night to get drunk. But it only made him feel worse about shirking his responsibilities to go get drunk and try to sleep with someone. The last time he did that, he became a father.

But he does it anyway because he told Tommy he would. He goes on a couple of dates with the girl and it feels nice to be around someone who is interested in him for himself, not for what he did for them or because they were stuck with him.

It doesn’t last long. Sarah and work always take priority over everything else in his life and she understandably doesn’t like being his last priority. He never tries again.

16th June 1998

“Sarah!” He called for the fourth time, again with no response. He plated the food for her, grabbed his own plate and walked upstairs to her room.

“Been calling out your name for ten minutes now, baby girl.”

She looked up at him, a weary smile on her lips. “Sorry. I was just finishing up my assignment. Didn’t hear you.”

He put the plate on the table in front of her and ruffled her hair, making her pout. “‘S nice to focus on school, but you need to keep your ears alert,” he said, sitting back down on her bed with his plate.

One glance at her books told him she was doing her math homework. Geometry, to be precise. At least it was something he knew this time. Last week, she was writing her social science essay and went on about the different parts of the United Nations or some shit. He only remembered a bunch of abbreviations and not what they stood for. She could make something up like UNCPS, call it United Nations Child Protective Services and he’d believe it. Wait, was that what UNICEF was?

Math was the only thing she learned in school that he still understood, that made him feel like a smart dad capable of helping his kid out with her homework. Not that she needed any help. She’d taken after Pam in the brains department. Thank god.

Nevertheless he checked her answers. He didn’t want to be completely useless.

She’d done well. There were one or two mistakes she’d made, repetitions of the kinds of mistakes she’d made before in long division. Just careless ones that she corrected easily when he pointed them out to her. Nothing he had to teach her.

“Oh, before I forget…” she said, pulling a plastic file out of her purple backpack. “I need your signature on this thing. It’s the permission slip for a talk from a retired army officer.”

He rifled through the pens in her pen stand, taking too long to find one that wasn’t purple, glittery, or purple and glittery. “Military? Why they teachin’ you that?” He asked, wary about his kid learning anything about wars. It’d gotten Tommy a little too excited and before they knew it, he was off getting shot at somewhere in the gulf. The dangers of that were lower with a daughter than with a son, but he was still wary. Gender equality better not creep its way into jobs that could get his kid killed.

“Yeah, you ain’t going to this thing. Take the day off.”

“No way, we might have a social science pop up quiz on Wednesday and I’m not going to miss it.”

“Aren’t pop up quizzes supposed to…I don’t know, pop up? Like surprise,” he said, earning an eye-roll from her. Wasn’t even a teenager yet and she was rollin’ her lil eyes at her dad. He’d lucked out in the baby lottery, got himself a smart, mostly well-behaved one. But it still confused a man to have the little thing that used to depend on you for everything from food to wiping her butt now rolling her eyes at you.

“Yeah, yeah. I can’t just skip classes. I’m sure this,” she said, waving the piece of paper at him. “—is just formality. And it’s just going to be some boring talk from some old guy. If you don’t sign it, they’ll still make me go and then my principal will call you up to my office and ask you why you didn’t sign the slip. Merel’s older brother didn’t get his signed and the principal asked his dad if he was a communist.”

“The worst that could happen is this old man calling me a communist? You’ll have to do better than that.”

“Uncle Tommy said that communists are evil,” she said, her eyes widening for effect.

“Your uncle also says that two plus two is five and that ice cream is good for your health.”

“Because it’s milk and milk has calcium!”

“Sure it is. And it’s a shitload of sugar.”

“But if I’m having sugar, isn’t it better to have it with milk? That way I’m also having something healthy,” she asked, showing off her missing teeth as she grinned.

“Or you can just drink milk.”

“Milk tastes like sh— garbage,” she quickly corrected herself. His little girl knew bad words. That shouldn’t be as much of a surprise as it was considering how much he and Tommy cursed around her. But it was…disturbing. It was evidence she was growing up, using these words around her little friends and hiding that from him. He used to know her better, be able to read her from the smallest facial expressions. He used to be able to anticipate her needs, predict her behavior, but it was getting harder nowadays.

“And you know what garbage tastes like because…?”

“I grew up eating stuff you cook, that’s how.”

“Walked right into that one.”

“Yeah you did,” she said, sticking her tongue out at him. He chuckled at her silly behavior, pinching her nose between his thumb and index finger before letting go. Maybe she wasn’t growing up after all.

“Whatever garbage I fed ya, it’s kept you strong enough to talk crap ‘bout it.”

He thought back on the days of fighting out how to cook. Before Sarah, he’d been surviving on takeout. Having to clothe and feed an entirely new human being left little money in his wallet to spend on food. So he learned to cook. For a little thing, she’d made big changes in his life— made him a father and a man. He remembered waking up at odd hours when she so much as stirred in her crib that he kept beside his bed. He remembered how his heart would ache with her little whines that turned into cries of hunger. How he cursed her mother who was meant to be feeding her as he fixed her a bottle—a cheap substitute for her mother’s milk.

Nine years.

Goddamn.

It was hard to believe it’d been that long since she entered his world and changed everything about it. Even when the evidence sat right before him, doing her homework and doodling on her desk. Her hand, while bigger, still held her pencil the same way it did when he taught her to write. Now it wrote faster, wrote long words beyond his understanding in pretty cursive handwriting.

He waited patiently as she ate the boxed mac ‘n cheese, ashamed that he couldn’t feed her anything healthier. It’d been a long day and he didn’t have the time or energy to make something better. But she ate it up happily, not complaining even once. It induced both guilt and satisfaction, the former from the lack of nutrients in the food and the latter because he still made his little girl happy.

He covered his mouth as a yawn took over, making her laugh. “You yawn so funny.”

“I do?” He asked before faking a yawn, making silly sounds as he did. She giggled and yawned back, producing her own silly sounds. It had quickly turned into a competition, leaving father and child making the silliest sounds until the latter crumpled on him, breathless from her laughter.

“Alright. Time to sleep, okay? And remember, Grandpa is picking you up from school tomorrow. So don’t walk home by yourself.”

“Alright dad,” she said, settling under her purple blanket. He bent down and pressed a kiss to her forehead before turning her bedside lamp off.

Dad.

Not daddy, but dad. The little girl was adamant on growing up. He left her room, remembering that she hadn’t asked for a bedtime story in months. She read on her own, borrowed piles of books from the library and narrated the stories to him and Tommy and anyone who would listen.

She didn’t need him for that anymore. While it was a comfort in one way, to lessen the duties of parenthood, it clawed at his chest to know that one day she wouldn’t need him at all. He’d had her for nine years and in another nine, she would be off to university, leaving him alone in this house with nothing to do for the first time since she became his life.

23rd December 1999

“Ma…” Tommy called out, his voice breaking as he turned to him, tears already streaming down his cheeks. Joel stepped forward and threw an arm around his little brother.

First dad and now… His chest felt heavy and his throat prickled from all the sobs he held back. He needed to be strong. There was one more funeral to arrange, a little brother to comfort…god, Tommy had seen too many deaths in his lifetime already. This wasn’t going to be easy for him.

And Sarah. She had never seen death before. Loss, yes. Her mother, her best friend who left town, the goldfish that died because he forgot to feed it. But death in the family, that was new.

He let go of Tommy and gave him an awkward pat on the back. “I’m going to call the funeral home.”

The call had been made, their mother was taken away from their family home to join her father and he drove the two of them back to his place. It wouldn’t be wise to stay there, with all the memories of growing up with their parents, especially with the holiday decorations cheering up the place in the most offensive manner.

They were supposed to celebrate together, just the five of them. But god had other plans it seemed. He poured Tommy another drink and leaned back on the couch, mind reeling with all the paperwork he had to take care of and who would take care of Sarah when he was away handling it. Not Tommy, not in his state. He sipped on his beer, watching Tommy as he followed suit.

It had been decades ago, but he remembered quite well what Ma had said after Tommy ran off to complain to her about Joel yelling at him for scribbling on his homework.

“When your dad and I are gone, Joel, you’ll be the one to take care of him. He’s little and he will make silly mistakes. But you oughta forgive him, take care of him.”

Somehow, Tommy looked just as pathetic as he did that day. Innocent, vulnerable and needing comfort. He had seen so much, so much more than what Joel could imagine in his worst nightmares. But Joel would still see him as his little brother.

“Alright, Tommy. You’ve had enough,” he said, prying the bottle of beer from his grip and taking it to the garbage. Tommy didn’t resist, only crumpled down on the couch as he stared at the ground.

“Dad?” Said a low voice, heavy with sleep. He looked to the other side to find her, rubbing at her eyes as she walked further into the living room. He’d just tucked her into bed after she spent almost an hour badgering him about what Christmas presents Santa would bring her that years as he worried himself sick about how he’d tell her that grandpa was dead. Just the thought of her festive excitement breaking to make way for grief… That was when Tommy called him, sobbing and sputtering out the words.

He’d gone to cook something for Ma and found her unmoving on her bed.

“Hey baby girl…” he said, his voice soft as he walked to her. “Did we wake you up?”

She whined and hugged him, placing her weight on him as she let him lead her to the couch. Tommy, realizing his niece was there, wiped his eyes with the cuffs of his shirt and plastered a smile on his face. “Hey Butterfly…” he addressed her in his trembling voice.

“What happened?”

Joel didn’t know how he did it. But he did it. The girl’s eyes were wide as she listened to him, her little hands wrapped around his arms like she was afraid to let go.

“We’ll never see grandma and grandpa again?”

He shook his head, his heart breaking for her. He never had the misfortune of experiencing his own grandparents’ deaths. Half of them were gone before his parents had him and the other half passed when he was too little to remember them.

“There will be a funeral for them. We’ll all get together as a family and say goodbye at Church.”

Her lips curved down and tears brimmed in her eyes, the realization of the true nature of death hitting her. With a wail, she wrapped her arms around him, her bony knees digging into his thighs. “I don’t want them to go,” she cried, her tiny fist punching his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head.

“I know, baby… I know.” He whispered into her ear, cradling and rocking her in his arms the way he did when she cried as a newborn. “It’s going to be scary because we have always had grandma and grandpa. But we’ll get through it, okay? Together. Daddy’s here. I’ll get us through it.”

“I don’t want them to die.”

“I know, I know,” he breathed and for the first time since he lost the first two people he ever loved, the sorrow caught up to him. Her innocent words, how she thought to speak them to him- as though she believed he could prevent her dead grandparents from dying. In her innocence, he finds his own. For the first time, he allows himself to be more than the responsible older brother who made funeral arrangements and took care of his grieving little brother. His love for his parents, his remaining childlike belief that they would be permanent in his life— They dug their claws into his chest and ripped his heart right out, piercing it, making it bleed.

“Does everyone die?” She asked meekly, fear and curiosity battling each other and plunging them both into the remains of her innocence.

“Yeah. Eventually, everyone dies.”

“Even you?” She asked, pulling back, sweet brown eyes staring back at him. While he thought she had her mother’s eyes, everyone else said their expressions were his. His eyes that he got from his father. For the first time, he saw what they all said. Just like dad’s eyes.

“You don’t worry about that now, baby girl,” he said, caressing her hair. “I’ll be here for a long time. You’ll be a big girl by then. Have a job ‘n all.”

“I don’t want you to die.”

“Oh, darlin’…” He pulled her to his chest and patted her back, setting a rhythm that he used when her back was the size of his hand and she needed the rhythm to fall asleep on his chest. She relaxed under his touch, the rhythm still having an effect. “It’ll be fine. Everything will be okay,” he lied, a habit that’s come easy to him with fatherhood. Lying was second nature when it came to comforting her, lulling her into a false sense of security about life.

17th May 2000

He pulled up the hem of his T-shirt and wiped his sweat, hoping to look better for Sarah’s game. He was late. By over an hour. Sarah would already be angry at him and seeing his face in the stands so fucking late would only add insult to injury. But he had to try. After all the games he missed, he had to keep his promise to be there for the final match.

He spotted Sarah instantly as he walked close to the field. But she wasn’t playing like he hoped. She was taking a towel from her friend Candace, her lips weighed down by a frown. Candace’s mother offered her a bottle of water and she accepted it politely before walking away and settling down on the stands. Alone. The back of her soccer jersey is stained with sweat and his guilty mind reads the big bold Miller on it as an accusation. Where were you, Miller? Other kids were with their families and his sat alone.

“Baby girl…”

She looked up at him but quickly dropped her eyes back down to her lap, her fingernails scratching at the label of the plastic water bottle. From the frown on her face, he guessed that her team didn’t win. Such a shame since she worked so hard practicing while also keeping her grades up.

“It’s okay you didn’t win,” he began gently, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. She tsked and shrugged his hand off her shoulder. Oh she was angry. “You came this far. Finals and all. Second place is still good, you know?”

Silence.

Maybe it would help to regale her with one of his own failures, show her she was doing much better than her old man, maybe even make her laugh. “I was always on reserve and hoping nobody gets injured so I didn’t have to play,” he said, his laugh coming out awkwardly as her frown deepened. Humor wasn’t it, apparently.

“Sarah!” An older woman called out from across the pitch and she looked up at her. From her outfit- tracksuit, whistle at the end of a lanyard around her neck, he assumed she was a soccer coach. “It’s time for the pictures.”

She put her water bottle down on the seat next to her and walked in the woman’s direction. It definitely hurt, her walking away from him without hesitation in the direction of someone who wasn’t family. Like a visible representation of her rejecting him for someone she saw more than him these days.

He let out a defeated sigh and walked up to the pitch and found the huddle of backpacks. Finding her purple one with the butterflies wasn’t hard. He picked it up and threw it over his shoulder and watched as she stood with the kids on her team for the picture. The coach brought a trophy over, big shiny one with ribbons tied to it. Her little friends cheered as the trophy was handed to the girl in the middle, the captain presumably and they all put their hands on it, smiling wide as their picture was taken. His little girl finally managed a smile too, encouraged by Chantal grabbing her shoulder and shaking her.

“She played well, huh?”

He looked to his side to find the owner of the voice, a man older than he was, wearing a red tee, the color of the opposing team.

“Tony,” he said, introducing himself. “I’m your Sarah’s math teacher. And the dad of the losing team’s captain.”

Joel squinted, confused. Sarah’s team didn’t lose? On the other side of the pitch, the red team stood together for a picture, looking a little less happy and holding a trophy much smaller than Sarah’s team.

“Joel,” he said, introducing himself. “Sorry for…uh-” he struggled to find a way to say something nice about his daughter’s performance. But he wasn’t at the game and didn’t know who the man’s kid was. “They played well, your kid’s team.”

“Oh, you’re being kind. Don’t tell my girl I said this, but they played like shit,” Tony said and he laughed awkwardly. Was he supposed to agree or disagree? Which would be more polite?

Joel instead changed the topic to school. “Is it hard? Teaching and having your kid in the same school?” He asked like a fucking idiot. Where did that come from? Why would that even be hard? He would kill to work at the school, see his kid more instead of working mad hours far away from home while she ate at the Adlers’ and went to bed alone. But the job paid shit.

“Well, a little…” he answered, scratching his beard. As the man spoke, Joel’s attention was elsewhere, on the pitch with Sarah. Her team won. The games she'd been stressing over for so long had come to an end and she had won. But she still had that frown on her face. Realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

She looked sad because he wasn’t there. After he promised he would be.

“…and you’d think she would be much better at math with me teaching her at home and another math teacher teaching her in school, but she’s hopeless. Soccer is life for Dolly. Your Sarah is very good. I’m guessing that’s why I never see you at the parent-teacher meetings. Never nothin’ to ask your kids’ teachers about if they’re doing perfectly well in school, right?”

“Right,” he said, nodding as he felt the guilt eat away at his heart. She had been raving about this match for so long, was so excited when they made it to the finals and drilled the date into his head. But he still forgot. He would lie to her on the drive home, say he had so much work that he couldn’t get to the match on time. But he would know the truth- that he forgot about it until he heard a soccer match inside the house of the client whose deck he was redoing.

“Now, I know your girl is very busy with the debate club, soccer and art. I asked her to join mathletes but she said she was too busy. I think it would be good for her. On her CV and stuff when she applies for college. Plus she needs a challenge.”

He felt smaller in front of the teacher despite having a couple inches over him. Sarah was a smart kid. Took after her mother there. But he wasn’t. He didn’t know art or debate and Sarah had long ago gone beyond the math he knew, taking advanced classes he never took and getting grades he never had on his report card. And did Tony say the math thing would help her with college?

“Yeah, she does,” he agreed, not even knowing fully what he was agreeing over. “Umm… I’ll talk to her about it.”

He traded some words with her teacher, the two of them agreeing to meet at the next game before he left to find his daughter and console her over her team’s loss. In a while, he found Sarah walking to the parking, holding a gold medal and a certificate. He followed and opened the truck door for her and she climbed in wordlessly.

“Come on, you gon’ be like that the whole time?” He asked, a couple minutes into their ride.

“You forgot about the game, didn’t you?”

“What? No!” He lied. “I wanted to come, baby girl. I swear. Just took too long at work today because of the sub-contractor. He installed the wrong plumbing for the kitchen and wouldn’t admit to it, so—” he stopped abruptly, feeling bad about his string of lies. But he did nothing to correct it. What was he supposed to say? Apologise for being a shit dad who forgot?

“I didn’t forget, I swear,” he lied again. Lying was second nature to him now. It was easier to lie than to confess to your kid that you forgot about something that was important to her. Plus, it wasn’t going to be worth the fight. She was a teenager and on a goddamn debate team. She knew how to argue. Whose idea was it anyway to teach children how to argue better? No one from the south, he was sure. Had he argued with his mama, he would’ve gotten a belt to his ass.

“Fine,” she huffed, folding her arms over her chest.

“A’right,” he said, feeling a weight leave his shoulder. “How ‘bout we get some pizza and celebrate your win? We can watch a movie too.”

“Okay fine. But I get to pick.”

“Yeah yeah, we’ll watch Toy Story again,” he said, smiling as her grumpy face lit up for a moment before stretching thin into a neutral expression. He had watched that movie a million times because of her. Their CD had given out from scratches from the number of times they watched it and he had to buy her a new one.

“I didn’t say Toy Story,” she said defiantly. Right… She was growing up now, watching fewer movies from when she was younger to make herself look older and cooler around her friends. He remembered that stage with Tommy.

“Sure, baby girl,” he teased, driving in the direction of their favorite pizza place.

27th March 2001

“Don’t be scared, a’right?” He said, holding her face in his hands. She nodded, putting on a brave face even though she was afraid. “I’ll be right behind you. Won’t let those assholes do anything. Uncle Tommy is inside the store too. We’ll take care.”

She took his word and got out of the truck, following the path she usually took when she walked home from school. She came home crying the other day, talking about how she didn’t want to go to school anymore ‘cause a bunch of guys stood outside a store leering at her and talking shit.

He was ready to go to prison for murder immediately, but Tommy chose to be the smarter Miller for the first time in his life and hatched a plan. Nothing elaborate. Just intimidating the whichever boys dared to fuck with his kid.

He followed Sarah at a safe distance, close enough to protect her from danger while also making sure to maintain enough distance so as to not alert the guys into running away. A few minutes in and he spotted them. Not boys. Not misguided teenagers like he was expecting. Men. Grown men older than him. He caught how their eyes crawled over his kid, how she squirmed under the gaze and he immediately wants to slam the three of them into the fucking ground. Pull their eyes out and kick them to their fucking death.

She was twelve.

He stopped outside the store. A little bodega he frequented. Tommy seemed to have similar thoughts running through his head, his hands curled into fists at his sides as he burned holes into the men’s head. They communicated with just their eyes. We’ll wait for Sarah to get home.

Joel didn’t know how he managed to wait until she walked into their street. From a distance, he could see her opening their front door and letting herself in. She better have locked the door.

Intimidation would not work on these men. Not was it enough for their disgusting act. Joel’s stomach turned as his mind replayed the way they looked at her. No wonder she was afraid. His poor girl.

They took the men out back, hand on their back, words exchanged about needing to ask something. He didn’t remember how much punches and kicks he and Tommy landed, but it seemed enough. Sarah walked home peacefully again. But peace eluded Joel from then on. He was raising a girl. He could remember how his female friends in school had to keep themselves safe- keys in between their fingers, a trusted male walking them home when it got dark. He thought nothing of it then, even walked some of his friends home to keep them safe.

It was different experiencing it as a dad. Now men were part of the list of things he had to worry about- concussion from football, period cramps, eating too much chocolate, fucking terrorists taking out goddamn buildings— He cursed the part of him that once wanted his little girl to grow up faster so he didn’t have to change diapers anymore. He would take diapers over this any day.

4th March 2002

“Uh huh,” he hummed as the client hammered on about his good for nothing son who he caught smoking weed and sneaking out to some party. He would’ve whipped out the picture of Sarah in his wallet and rubbed it in the man’s face that his kid never got into trouble and was a straight A’s student. But part of being a contractor was not being a complete fucking asshole to his clients. So he shut up.

Plus he was in no mood to brag.

He returned home late. Again. It had become the topic of all his fights with Sarah. He could understand why she would be angry. But understanding didn’t put money in his pocket or food on their table. It most certainly did not go towards Sarah’s college funds. Animals were what took up her thoughts these days. She brought home a ton of books from the library, ranting off about the different animals and how she wanted to take care of them for a living.

This obsession had stayed longer than the last one. She he believed their neighbor’s dog was to blame. And the stray cat that followed her home to get some scraps of food.

He would’ve brushed it off as his sweet daughter being kind to every fucking thing all the time. Well, he did. Until she dropped the bomb.

Veterinary medicine.

Curious, he slipped into the library close to a store he was building and sat in front of the computer. The number had enough zeroes in it for him to need a doctor and since he couldn’t afford the human one, a veterinary doctor like his kid wanted to become. It wasn’t something he could afford. Not a pet to satiate her obsession with, not a doctor for himself and certainly not enough to make Sarah an animal doctor.

He had just finished paying off the house and now this… Couldn’t she have chosen a different job to do with animals? Or relegated puppies to hobby instead of career. But the puppies weren’t the problem. He was.

No matter what education she decided on, it would end up breaking his back. When at the library, he had gone over a few other degree costs. While not as expensive as medicine, they were still significant costs. There was a little bit of inheritance from his parents, he had started an account in her name and kept his share of the money in it. But it wouldn’t be enough for a college degree.

Sarah’s anger over him not coming home on time hurt. Missing her games and not cooking her the best meals made him realize the failure he was as a dad. But by god he wouldn’t fail to give her a good education. Had he had that, he would be able to give her a better life. And he would be damned if he didn’t try his hardest to give her the education to reach her dreams.

27th September 2003

Sarah Miller came into the world crying when the doctor handed her to him, small and covered in blood. He took her into his arms then, his hospital gown red with her blood and he held her to his chest. His voice trembled as he introduced himself to her.

“Oh, baby girl…” he’d said as he looked down in wonder at the person who would become his entire world. “It’s daddy,” he said as tears of joy streamed down his cheeks. There would be no one adopting her. He wouldn’t give her to anyone else. No one could care for her the way he did.

She left the world the same, crying and gasping for breaths. She was still light in his arms, too easy to carry and still so little. The blood her father gave returned to him, oozing out of her bullet wound and covering him in his failure. He was supposed to have cared for her much better than anyone else could have.

His mother had taken her from his arms then, telling him she knew better, excited to see her grandchild even though she’d thought until then that they would give her away to another family. His brother tried to take her from him now. He held her closer, a whimper akin to that of a wounded animal escaping his lips. The chaos reeling on around them and the sobs that wracked his body weren’t enough to convince him that his world had ended.

A pole marked her grave, dug hurriedly by her beloved uncle.

“We’ll be back, okay?” He reassured the girl’s father, his hands squeezing his shoulder. Stifling a sob, he removed a chain from around his neck, a pendant shining silver from the light of the moon that sat peacefully in the sky as though unaware of the chaos underneath her.

He wrapped his chain around the pole.

MILLER

THOMAS R

9913387701

B POS

CHRISTIAN

A lot would change in the next two decades. But the dogtag would stay on the pole above her. Marking the grave of a child well loved, a name she shared and the type of blood he could’ve donated to her to save her life. The little girl would rest, but the man who had to be dragged away from her grave never would. He would wander, much like the zombies themselves, trying to find his purpose.

[romanarose]

About a Girl: Chapter 3

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Summary: Blue surprises Joel by rebuffing everyone advances in favor of him.

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

AN: FIRST DAY OF PRIDE EVENT!!!

A note on langauge. This is a 90's au, different langauge was used than we know know, words we find offensive now. While no one uses slurs theres langauge used that may not be comfortable. Just remember in the 90s there wasnt such a unified community all over, especially in the south. Blue isn't going to talk the same as say, a new york queer today. I want to remain as most "time period realistic" as i can.

TRANS LIVES MATTER! TRANS YOUTH MATTER! TRANS ELDERLY MATTER! TRANS WOMEN MATTER! TRANS MEN MATTER! NON BINARY TRANS MATTER!

Tommy woke up hungover, just as Tess, Talia, Max and you probably were. 

Joel only had one, but he was up early packing things for Sarah. Jessica didn’t have much as far as clothes and other stuff for a 5 year old, so Joel wanted to make sure she was prepared. It was supposed to rain and she definitely didn’t have rain boots or coat, not enough kids stuff to entertain Sarah inside all weekend. He made sure to pack her barbies, etch-a-scetch, and a few cassette tapes. Sarah wasn’t even up yet when Kayla knocked. 

“Hey Kayla.” Joel tried to be nice and welcomed her into the home they used to share together. 

She smiled at him, said hi to him and Tommy. She must’ve calmed down after last night, as she usually does after a spiral. “Sarah up?”

Joel shook his head, getting a few granola bars Sarah could eat for breakfast. “Naw, I let her stay up a little later with Jessica, you can wake her if you’d like, or you can hang out.” He nodded to the coffee pot. “All yours.”

“Does she know I’m coming?”

“No, she was fast asleep when I got home.”

Kayla grinned. “Great, she’ll love the surprise.” and dashed upstairs.

“She’ll love the surprise.”  Joel muttered to Tommy, not looking away from his task. “But she’d love regular visits she could count on more.” 

Tommy patted his back. “You’re a good man, Joel. I don’t think I’d put up with all that you did.”

But Joel just shook just head. “It’s for Sarah.”

“Most things are.” He looked up from his coffee. “Hey! I’m meeting everyone for brunch, Sex and the City style. Since Sarah’s gonna leave, why don’t you come with us?” Tommy teased Joel with a nudge. “Blue’s gonna be there.”

Joel harshly shushed Tommy, wide-eyed. He looked down the hall to check for Kayla, but heard Sarah squealing mommy up in her room. “C’mon, man, you know how she gets.”

Tommy laughed, “I know, I know!”

But he didn’t really know. Tommy didn’t know about the screaming, the threats to hurt herself, the way she smacked his chest and arms… it wasn’t hard, he was a big guy. He could handle it. It wasn’t abusive, no. He could stop her if he wanted to because he was so much stronger. It was his fault he let it happen so he can’t really complain, can he?

Kayla reappeared with Sarah. “Daddy look! Mommy’s here!”

“I see baby!” Joel feigned enthusiasm. “Mommy’s gonna take you for the weekend, gonna stay the night, isn’t that exciting?”

Sarah was beyond excited. 

Setting her down, Kayla told Sarah to go put on her shoes. To her credit, she’d gotten her dressed already. She spoke to Joel quietly. “Hey, Joel, could I borrow some cash maybe? My um… my tank is almost empty, you know how prices are right now. Fucking Clinton, right?” She chuckled nervously.

Joel wanted to sigh. He saw Tommy looking at him from over his coffee mug. But… he didn’t. Instead, he opened his wallet. And grabbed a $20. “You got food there?”

She shrugged. “Enough.” Joel grabbed another bill and handed the $40 to her. “Thanks, Joel.” She turned to Sarah who had walked up with her shoes on the wrong feet. “You ready, baby?”

Joel said goodbye, hugging and kissing tight. “Be good for mama, okay princess?”

Next, Sarah ran to her uncle, who whispered loudly. ”Be bad, okay squirt?” Joel glared at him, making him carry out the bags for Sarah’s things to the car. 

*

He spent way too long trying to find a nice shirt. In the end, he settled on a green shirt. And his only pair of jeans without holes.

When Joel saw you ride up on a motorcycle, he knew it was all over for him. The way you lit up when your eyes connected with his… fuckign hell. He remembered your eyes when you were on your knees, his cock stretching your mouth… fuck he needed to sit down before he got a hard on.

“Joel!” You run up to hug him, taking him by surprise but he hugs you anyway. Joel likes the way you are very clear about what you want. Joel didn’t have to guess or walk on eggshells. He could want you and know you wanted him too. You took his hand to the table that Talia and Tess are at, not letting go when you both slide into the both.

Everything was going great. Tommy ordered unlimited mimosas, and Joel took one single look at the prices and ordered 2 eggs and toast. And you… Joel learned more and more about you, eating up every bite.

You were a school teacher, elementary english. You loved grunge, the color blue, and horror movies, Halloween being a favorite. Right now, you were horrifying him with a scene from Candyman.

“And then he opens his shirt,” You mimic the actions minus the undress. “And his chest is just like, a cavern of bees! And he kisses her with his mouth full of bees!!”

“Bees?” Joel grimaces, and you laugh, asking if it was too much. Joel loves laughs along; with you, when you laughed, it didn’t feel like it was at him. “Well,” He chuckles. “Maybe a little graphic for brunch.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” You continue with a smirk. “Should we maybe talk about sex, like Sex and the City? Maybe you’d like to fill us in on your latest sexcapades, Miller?”

Joel coughs, choking on his coffee and you pat his back as memories of last night once again popped in.

“I’m-” Cough cough. “I think I’m good there.”

Tommy spoke up, “WELL, since you asked-” Joel told him to shut up, not to talk to a lady like that.

“You let me talk like that around Tess!”

Tess leaned over, her tone teasing. “Joel doesn’t think of me as a lady.”

This led to Joel scrambling to defend himself, which he does, actually! Joel left out the part that if he didn’t see her as a lady he wouldn’t have slept with her all those years ago. Tess is different. Tess is family.

The conversation went on, and Joel noticed how closely you sat next to him while eating your food, your jeans pressed up against his. 

“Frank finally scheduled his knee surgery.” Tess mumbles with a mouth full of waffles. “After harvest, so plenty of time to rest.”

“Why not during harvest?” Talia asks. “You said he doesn’t do farm work.”

Tess stumbled on her words a moment, glancing at Joel before mumbling something about Bill needing to take care of him, even though it was pretty minor.

Joel cut her off. “She's tryna let me save face because I can’t afford a babysitter. Frank has watched Sarah every harvest and planting season since she was born, except the first plant.”

Not meaning to pry but unknowingly waltzing into sensitive territory, you ask why not the first. Joel swallows hard but Tommy answers.

“Because his bitch of an ex was still around.”

“Tommy!” Joel chastises, but Tommy looks bewildered.

“What?! She is, and you know it. She’s-”

But Joel cuts him off. “What she is is none of your business and not the point. I told you we don’t talk like that about women.”

Putting down his silverware, Tommy stared Joel down. Joel knew how Tommy felt about Kayla. “Joel, she was nuts, she turned you into someone I didn’t recognize and she left my niece alone to get f-”

“Enough!” Joel was louder than he meant to be, noticing people around them turning. Heat crept up his neck in embarrassment and shame. He didn’t like snapping at Tommy, but he especially didn’t like raising his voice in front of you. Joel wondered if he scared you, if he lost your trust and ruined everything- He felt your hand on his knee, and when he turned to look at you, he didn’t see fear, just gentle compassion. He spoke quieter now. “I understand how you feel… but that is the mother of my child, and I ask you treat her with respect.”

Tommy opened his mouth to say more, but Tess whispered to knock it off. There was silence for a while as Tommy stewed, eating his giant plate of food, stewing. Tommy’s anger problems were nothing new to Joel, but this stressed reaction Joel was having to it was. Why did his chest feel so tight?

You noticed, because of course you did, and took his hand. “Wanna step outside?” You whispered, but Joel shook his head.

“”M Alright, thanks.”

From across the booth, Tess, Talia and Tommy all talked while you and him sat on your own side. As you chatted, it felt like you were in your own world. You had a tendency to help him forget everything else. 

“I think it’s so neat y’all know an older gay couple, ya know?”

He didn’t. “Howdya mean?”

You took a bite of toast. “Well, you don’t see that much. We’re just now starting to get to a point people can really come out. Then the AIDS crisis took so many…” You shake your head. “I just think when I was a gay teen, how much it would have meant to me to see a future that wasn’t about hate crimes and death, you know?”

Oh. Gay? Were you a lesbian? No, no had blown him, quite enthusiastically… Maybe you were just trying something new? Was that offensive to think? Goddammit, Joel, what is wrong with you? “Oh, are you…” He trailed off.

You laugh a little. Joel hadn’t realized the three others had gone silent, watching what was happening unfold. “Gay? Well, I guess not anymore.”

Joel was confused. “Did it… go away?” He’d been told some people grew out of it, like a phase, or that some people went to therapy to change…

You laugh again, but slightly nervous. “No… I just mean, like, I transitioned so… now I’m a woman, so it’s not gay to be attracted to men…”

Joel blinked. Transitioned? What did that mean… 

You turn to Tommy. “I thought you’d told him?”

“Told me what?”

Tommy shook his head. “Hey I may be stupid, but I know not to out someone.”

Tess confirmed she hadn’t said anything and Talia looked intensely uncomfortable, asking you if you wanted to go.

“Joel… you do know I used to be a man, right?”

A flash of warmth covered his skin, eyes burning and chest tighter. He had, of course, heard of people like that… but he didn’t know the first thing about it. Did that mean you were a guy doing dress up? Was this drag? Or transvestite, is that the term? Most of all, he was confused, because he liked you. Was he gay?

“Joel?” Your voice breaking him out of his spiral. It was small, meek. Unlike anything he’d heard from you before. “Can we talk outside?”

*

You stood a few feet away from him, wringing your hands. He hated how you were shaking.

“Can you just…” He sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I'm gonna be real honest Blue, I don’t really know what you’re talk’n about. Can you just… Tell me? Is this like a transexual thing?”

Despite the tension, you give a small laugh. “I guess people used to call it that. Or transvestite. I don’t really know if there's a difference… I think people call a lot of thing under the same umbrella, like cross dressing…”

“Is that…” He swallows. “That's what you’re do’n? You a man that likes women’s clothes?”

You shake your head vigorously. “No, no that’s not it… at least to me, I guess. Some people say that’s all I am but… I don’t think so.”

“”Please.” Joel begs, a slight huff of a laugh. “I’m just an old farmer, I ain’t never left this town, no college, no life experience. I practically raise Tommy and when he was finally grown, I had my daughter so I just…” He sighs, heavily. He’s very confused, but he doesn’t want you to think he’s disgusted or hateful. “Please just explain it so I can understand.”

You nod, looking a little hopeful. “I was born a boy, but I never felt like one. My whole life, it just felt… wrong. I can’t really explain it, but it's just this… this knowledge inside myself that my body was wrong, a gut feeling…”

A slight breeze rustled his shirt, blowing your hair around and drawing his eyes to the blue.

“So… you’re a woman?”

Once again, you nod, crossing your arms over your chest. Joel didn’t know if that was from nerves or the fall beginning to settle in. “I am. Yeah.” You take a deep breath, and exhale in a ramble of words as your eyes plead to him. “Joel I’m really sorry! I thought, I thought you knew! I met Tommy a few times with Talia and it came up so I just assumed he told you! I know you probably don’t wanna be with me but I swear, I wasn’t trying to trick you!” Your voice cracks at the end.

Concerned, Joel frowned. He didn’t know why you were shaking. He stepped forward, wanting to hold you. “Hey now, darl’n, don’t cry” But he froze when you scrambled backwards, fear in your eyes. “Whoa there… I ain’t gonna hurtcha…”

You didn’t look like you believed him, eyeing his movements. “You won’t?”

“No, oh my god no. Why would I do that? Wait, that’s stupid, I know how people are but… I ain’t like that, I promise.”

Shoulders relaxing, you appear to be calming down. “Some men… well, they get really violent if they find out the person they… they did anything with was a man…”

“That aint me, I swear it, Blue.” He shuffles his feet. “I can’t say I really understand all this but… I ain’t like that.”

He could sense your dejection from where he stood. “I understand. I won’t bug you. Again, I’m really-” You turn to leave.

His eyes went wide. “Hey, hey, hey wait-” Joel grabs your hand, but not tight. You could pull away if you want to.  “Do you… do you still wanna be with me?”

You giggle softly, still looking sad. “Of course I do… Joel, I barely know you but… of course I do. But you don’t wanna be with me.”

“I didn’t say that, Blue…”

You look at him curiously. “Joel, you just found out what being trans was 2 minutes ago, are you sure you wanna be with a trans woman?”

Joel let go of your hand to rub the back of his neck, smiling. “I’ll be honest, I don’t really know if I’m ready to date at all. I got my kid,” He thumbs back to the restaurant, chuckling. “I got Tommy. It’s a lot right now. And honestly? I don’t know if this makes me gay or not but… I’d like to try to be with you… if you’re cool taking it slow.”

Looking directly at him, you smile. “I would absolutely be okay taking it slow. And, listen.” Reaching you, you take both of his hands in yours. “Would it help if we just got together and I let you just… ask whatever you wanted? Like, having a little learning session.”

“Yeah.” Breathed out a laugh. “Yeah that would be great, asking.”

*

It was 3 am when Tommy came stumbling home. Normally, Joel wouldn’t notice but he heard a loud crash, running downstairs with a gun to find the coffee table nocked over and Tommy trying to bake pizza bagels. After some back and forth shouting at him, it clicked.

“Jesus, Tommy, are you on coke?” He gawked in disbelief. 

Tommy just laughed. “You said I couldn’t use when Sarah was around!”

“That’s not an excuse to to hard drugs the second she’s out the door! You’ve been gone since 6, what if she came home early?”

Tommy waved Joel away, putting pizza bagels in a cold oven. “She’d be fine.”

His blase attitude was pissing Joel off even more. “I don’t want you high around my daughter!”

Standing up and apparently thinking the oven was on, Tommy glared at Joel. “Relax, Joel. She ain’t here!”

Joel fisted his hand into Tommy’s shirt, voice bellowing in the kitchen. “I don’t give a shit Tommy! Don’t you ever come into my home coked up again, you understand?!” He le go and shoved Tommy away.

Half an hour later, Joel came downstairs to find Tommy crashed out on the couch. Joel took off his shoes, pulled a blanket over him and placed water by his side. He cleaned up the messed up coffee table, turned off the oven that was now on and burned bagels and locked the door again.

*

Blue’s POV

You were nervous, to say the least. Sure, you liked to play it cool but really, Joel scared you half to death. He was so fucking… perfect. Tess had thought you’d like him. She told you so much of his personality, you’d assumed he was ugly: hardworking, good father, responsible, loving, kind, protective… When you saw him you were dumbstruck. How is a man that good of a person and that fucking hot?

You’d just wished Tess had told him you were trans, since  she was trying to set you up. Still, you understood she didn’t want to out you. Not a lot of people here knew, and you needed to keep it that way. As far as the parents and faculty at your school knew, you had been born with two tits and a vagina… okay maybe not tits but you passed a just flat chested. If anyone found out, technically they could still fire you. 

Still, Joel was kind and had taken the information in stride. You didn’t think it was going to work out between you… you’d figured Joel wouldn’t but up for dating you, especially if he wanted more kids... But you suppose today would tell.

Joel looks genuinely happy to see you. “Hey, come on in.”

You’re impressed to find the house is still clean. There’s things on counters and a little mud on the floor but you like it looks lived in. Still, he obviously takes care of his house.

“I really hate to do this,” He starts and your stomach drops. “Sarah’s mom called, wanting to bring her back early, like in a few hours.”

You understood. Bringing everyone over on Friday was one thing, but bringing a women over (that wasn’t Tess) around Sarah might confuse her, and he wanted to be careful. “I totally understand.”

“You eat yet?”

You watch, smiling as Joel cooks you breakfast. “Where’s Tommy.”

Joel grunted, a slight tonal change. “Upstairs sleeping off a binge. He’s a dumbass.”

Ah, so the tension hasn’t subsided.

After eating, you and Joel sit down on the couch.

He looks as nervous as you are. “Just… stop me if I saw anything offensive.”

You shake your head. “Nothings off the table today, you can ask whatever, I just wanna be straight forward. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and answer the question I know you have. No, I don’t have a dick.”

Joel coughed, choking a bit. “I wasn’t going to ask that!” He begins to laugh, and so do you.

“Yeah, because you’re polite, so I just said it. I got bottom surgery a few years ago.”

“What’s that?”

“They turn my dick into a vagina.”

He nods. “I’ll be honest, that is a positive.” His eyes go wide in that way you noticed he does when he thinks he’s said something wrong. “Not that- well I wouldn’t- I could… umm..”

You reassure him. “I understand, Joel. You’d have been working with whole knew equipment. I promise, this is probably what you’re used to working with. Maybe if you get lucky, one of these days you’ll get to go for a test run.” He turns bright pink, but smiles. “Your turn, go ahead.”

He took a deep breath. “Does this make me gay? I ain’t got nothing against be’n gay, I mean, Tess is my best friend and I work for two of ‘em” the phrasing there almost made you laugh. He was so clunky sometimes, but he was trying. “It’s just, I didn’t think I was.”

You shake your head. “No. I mean, some people think that but, no. I don’t think I’m a man. Do you think of me as a man?”

“Not one bit.” He was earnest. 

“Then you’re not gay, Miller.”

For the next hour, he asked a lot of questions. Some were more in depth, like what transitioning looked like, or what you felt like as a child.You told him you were on E and he had lots of questions about that. You explained you hadn’t gotten top surgery, and his eyes only flicked to your chest once. Respectful cowboy. He asked if you wanted “uuhhh, you know…” breasts, and you said you honestly didn’t feel the desire for it. You liked yourself as you were right now. Some were a bit fun, like how you chose your new name or if you stopped growing facial hair.

What you loved about him was he came from a place of genuine curiosity. He wasn’t judging you, he was trying to learn. You check the clock.

“I think Sarah will be coming soon. Did you have any other questions?”

Joel thinks for a bit. You imagine he probably had a lot about between your legs, but he was too polite to ask and honestly, details of surgeries, although you were comfortable, were a lot for someone you just met, even if it felt like you knew him already. 

“I don’t think so. This has been nice, actually, so… thank you.”

He walks you to the door and as you bend over to put your shoes on, you look up at him. “I’m gonna give you some time to sit on that information… if you wanna go on a date, I’d love to. If not-”

“What about friday?” He hurries out, hands in his pockets. “If I can find a sitter, I mean.”

You stand up straight, unable to stop the beaming. You feel giddy. “I’d love to. We can even go later in the evening, like after dinner so you can spend time with Sarah.”

His face falters just a bit. “I um… I should be honest. I usually don’t have this much free time. I can’t really afford a regular sitter and Kayla isn’t really around with Sarah much… so I guess I don’t really know how well this will work…”

You kiss his patchy beard cheek. “Let’s just take it one day at a time then, okay?”

Joel smiled at that. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

PRIDE EVENT TIME!!!!

love yall

i know thi doesnt get much notes but somewhere out there is a trans woman seeing this... is going to feel so fucking seen and thats what matters to me.

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[actual-changeling]

In the grand scheme of things, a month is not enough time to really get to know someone, especially if said person is clearly still going through a lot of shit and clinging to his brother like an octopus. They have been spending more and more afternoons with each other, always with Joel in the middle, and he likes to think they're on a good path to being friends.

Tommy might not know Ellie well, but he does know her, and it's easy to see that she is currently incredibly uncomfortable and Joel nowhere to be seen. The dining hall is loud during meal times on the best of days, but today it is outright chaotic, and Tommy remembers how overwhelming it had been during his first few months in Jackson. On top of that, Ellie is so small she can probably barely see through the crowd, just a piece of driftwood caught in the current and pulled along in whatever direction people are moving, and without Joel there to enforce her personal space, she is drowning.

His body is moving toward her before he even notices what he is doing, stopping himself once he does; there's a chance Ellie would be quite upset if he tried to swoop in and "save" her, well aware how much she dislikes being close to anyone who isn't Joel. But then Martin starts talking to her, good guy, usually very friendly, and all color drains from her face, and Tommy decides he'd rather have Ellie elbow him in the stomach than face his brother's wrath over not stepping in.

The crowd parts around him when he moves through it, the distance between him and Ellie closed within seconds, and he stops on her right, keeping himself in her field of vision so he doesn't startle her (he did that once on accident, never again). He nods at Martin, though his feelings are far from his priority right now.

"Hey Ellie, have you seen Joel somewhere?"

Trying to keep his tone light, he has one eye on the people surrounding them and one on her, still trying to figure out where the hell his brother disappeared to, he never leaves her alone if he can help it. He's not quite sure what he expects Ellie to do, but it's definitely not her hands snapping up to grab his arm so tightly it's almost painful, nails digging into his skin. She is shaking, trying so hard to be aware of the room around her that her eyes are almost fluttering, and it takes him a few beats to react.

"Gonna go 'n find my brother with this one, Martin."

It's not a question but he nods, giving his shoulder a quick squeeze before merging back into the crowd, and Tommy is incredibly thankful for that. The second he is gone, Ellie deflates, falling against his side, and Tommy brings up his other arm around her and gently places his palm on her back, relieved when she doesn't flinch. Asking if she is okay seems unnecessary, she clearly isn't, so he just tries his best to provide her with as much space as possible as he navigates them to an empty table in one of the quieter corners near the back exit, casually pushing people away when necessary.

Ellie sinks into a chair and doesn't let go of him, knuckles white, and he settles next to her, keeping an eye out for Joel while talking to her.

"Anything you need, sweetheart?"

The endearment slips out, force of habit, and her gaze is suddenly glued to his face, pupils blown so wide her eyes seem black.

"Don't leave."

"I won't, promise. Do you know where Joel went?"

She shakes her head, fingers around his wrist loosening a tiny bit.

"Alright, I'm sure he'll be back soon, someone probably just distracted him."

They both lean back, the relative silence between them oddly comforting, and Ellie nudges her chair across the floor until their armrests are pressed together, her breaths coming a bit slower and deeper now. The affection curling around his heart is familiar, warmth blooming in his chest, and it's easy to understand why Joel fell for her so quickly and completely it almost killed him. She relaxes while they wait, head tipping to rest against his biceps, eyes closed, and the open display of trust is so sweet it makes him ache. Despite not spending a lot of time together, she clearly thinks of him as someone safe, probably due to his relationship with Joel, and Tommy finds himself hoping that maybe they can build something on that foundation. Ellie is Joel's kid, which makes her family, and Tommy looks out for his people.

It takes Joel about fifteen minutes to finally return to them with a panicked look on his face, clearly out of breath, and he stops dead in his tracks when he sees Ellie half draped over him.

"I'm sorry, baby, someone was asking about some construction work I did yesterday, and-"

"It's okay," she interrupts, blinking up at him and stretching out one hand in a clear demand, "Tommy got me."

Joel stills, eyes flicking between the two of them, and he simply shrugs his unoccupied shoulder, it's not like it's his kid, after all. He takes Ellie's hand and falls into the chair next to her, leaning over to press a kiss to her hair, and Tommy doesn't even try to hide his smile. To everyone's surprise, Ellie stays right where she is, holding Joel's hand with a death grip but still using him as a pillow, and the look he shares with Joel is one of mutual confusion and resignation. She starts talking to him about some space book she's been reading, ignoring the last twenty minutes of her life, and they silently agree to wait out the masses before getting their own food, Ellie seemingly content to force both of them to listen to her ramble about an astronaut he has no idea about.

Yeah, she got them both wrapped around her finger, and Tommy finds he doesn't mind it one bit, hoping that maybe this is not only a second chance for Joel, but for him, too.

[ellies-enrichment]

Tommy Miller (Part 2/HBO) + text posts

[mariatesstruther]

has anyone wrote a fic where tommy comes out to ellie yet

[looopylupin]

ellie: if i blended red bull, monster, and hot cheetos into an energy smoothie would it kill me

tommy: only if you die

ellie: you're so smart tommy

joel: ELLIE NO-