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relaxxattack · 3 years

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hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so

ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.

what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg

dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)

aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!

let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.

first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]

(this got really fucking long im so sorry)

ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).

tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.

(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)

the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.

this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.

there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).

due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.

this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.

unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”

in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.

basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.

chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’

i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.

ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.

he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.

it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.

now, here’s my opinion:

i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.

then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.

people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.

the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.

telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.

(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)

do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!

or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!

some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!

CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):

are c!bee duo romantic?

its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!

should i put /p on bee duo content?

ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though

should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?

no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”

can i ship c!bee duo?

mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.

can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?

yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird

here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.

right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!

i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.

..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.

#it’s late im so sorry for how much i rambled and wrote #i hope this helps you #bee duo #og post #there’s probably so many spelling errors i need to go to bed #i tried to fix some spelling so reblog this one ig #and not the old one

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neutron-stars-collision · 3 years

Text

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 19 - Holy Ground

Masterlist; Chapter 18

Summary: In the days before the mission in Tallinn, you and Neil have a few conversations to clear the air of doubts. Only, the mission itself proves to be a disruption...

Warnings: Swearing; mild violence.

Author’s Notes: Here we go, my favourite mission (and favourite Neil outfit too). This is only part one of the Tallinn action because so much happens... as you’ll see. I’m sorry. I really am. Hope you enjoy and please leave me feedback if you feel like it!

Song mentioned is: ‘Holy Ground’ by Within Temptation (I’ll share it in a post later but basically listen to it after reading and you’ll know why I’m obsessed)

Edit is courtesy of my amazing friend @sh3tani once again (ilysm and thanks for everything 💕)

The upcoming days were busy. You have been assigned the task of getting hold of some of the vehicles and artillery TP wanted for the heist in Tallinn. It was difficult, not only because it is actually rather hard to acquire a fire truck with no records left from the transaction, but also because you barely had any clue what you were actually doing. And so, most of the time, you were sat at the dining table in the flat, calling various shady people Neil gave you contacts to. Sometimes, a tea would appear in front of you, courtesy of the other team members thoroughly apologizing for how they handled the ‘alley situation’.

It seemed like your late-night walk and the cold treatment you gave everyone (including Neil) for the next 24 hours afterward worked. The jokes have ended, and contrition took their place, usually in the form of extreme helpfulness, random acts of kindness, and, in Neil’s case, a break from teasing. At least for a short while.

The only development you were not so sure of was the fact that the whole team decided to label your relationship. Not just any label but dating, verging on a couple. And that was rather terrifying. It struck you especially the night before when you have minded your own business in the kitchen. Watching over the pasta boiling on the stove, you listened to the plans made by Ives. He was trying to settle on the best way to track Neil during the heist when he suddenly turned to you with a question:

“Has your boyfriend told you what kind of car they are going for in the end?” the neutral tone made you skim over the term at first.

But then your brain caught up. What?! You almost toppled over the whole pot of pasta onto the floor when trying to drain it. Fuck. Ives was staring at you quizzically, as though confused about your current state.

“I… Who?” you stammered out the question, knowing it will only make everything worse.

“Neil” Ives grinned, “Unless you’ve gone for an open relationship and there’s another boyfriend involved”

“Christ, please stop” sighing, you tried to calm down just enough to function “I believe he’s going for a BMW, don’t know what series but something fast enough just in case there was a chase” triumphantly, you poured the sauce over the noodles.

“I’ll need to give him a call about it” Ives smacked his tongue thoughtfully.

“Feel free” using the opportunity, you grabbed the cutlery and escaped into your room.

Boyfriend? Now that was something to cause anxiety. Because despite everything that happened, all the things you have told Neil and got in return, you had no clue what you were supposed to be. Not really. Yes, sometimes you let yourself entertain the idea that maybe you were together, maybe he was your lover. But… was he? Could he ever be that?

With those thoughts occupying your mind, you only managed to last until afternoon the next day before giving in. After failing to contact a car dealer for the fifth time and realising that you have completely messed up the route plan due to forgetting about important details, you closed the laptop. It was hard to think when all your brain did was give reasons for why Neil would never actually want to be with you. To summarise: you were not enough, naïve, hopeless, and dumb enough to think that someone this incredible could think about you seriously. Stifling the sudden desire to breakdown and give up on everything, you dialed his number. He picked up almost instantly.

“Yes, my love?” your heart clenched at the nickname.

“Hi… um… Do you have a moment?” you cringed at the awkwardness.

“For you? Always”

Maybe, on another day, that would have made you smile. But that was not that kind of a day.

“Neil, I’m serious,” sighing, you rested your head on the cold wall behind your bed.

“What’s wrong?” his tone switched from playful to concerned.

Okay… now there’s no turning back.

“I’ve just been thinking...” you started, debating on the best way to breach the topic.

“Oh no”

Damn him. You cracked a small smile, knowing that was the intention. You could almost picture him at this moment, sat in some absolutely strange position in the armchair, nothing but long legs and ruffled hair. You did have it pretty bad.

“Shut up” you took a deep breath and blurted out “It’s probably stupid, and feel free to ignore this but... what even are we?”

There it is. Your whole existence hanged on his reply. But, of course, Neil needed more clarification than that…

“How do you mean?” his careful tone made your heart rate elevate.

The result was a string of sentences you shot out with the speed of a machine gun.

“Because everyone here assumes we’re dating. And Ives called you my boyfriend last night, and I don’t... I don’t know if that’s what’s going on and-”

“Okay, calm down,” he interrupted your rant “Take a deep breath” he waited until he could hear you exhale to continue “What do you want this to be? Because we’re the only people who have a say about it” the diplomatic tone made you frown.

But then maybe he just wanted to get your point of view before saying anything substantial… Trouble was you had no clue. Picking on a loose thread on your sweater, you sighed:

“I don’t know” maybe this was the right time to give him another piece of mind? “I always hated labels because when you name something, it becomes real” you admitted, letting yourself slide down onto the pillows.

Nothing could hurt you there. Apart from potential rejection from the likely love of your life. Basically, fml, as the kids say.

“What about good things?” his question caught you off guard.

“Well, yeah, but… once there’s a couple, then there can be a break-up” the insecurity had an answer for that too.

Your cheeks heated up upon saying the word. Because even that felt like a step too far. Like maybe you were clingy. Obnoxious. Someone he could want to get rid of as quickly as possible. Before you decided to back out of the conversation, he replied:

“That’s a rather bleak way of looking at things” it was still that thoughtful tone.

A burden then.

“I know” you groaned, frustrated with yourself.

But the next thing he said was rather surprising…

“I’ll need to work on making you more optimistic. Not because I don’t like you the way you are, but because I want you to realise how wrong you are sometimes” the conviction and practical implications of the statement made you speechless.

The future tense. The admission that he did like you, with your countless issues and overbearing anxiety. It couldn’t be, could it? Neil took your stunned silence as permission to say more:

“From my side, let me say that dating doesn’t quite cut it because it implies not being sure... And…” despite yourself, your ears perked up, wanting to know what he meant.

“Yeah?” you prodded, trying to toe that precarious line between curiosity and fear of rejection.

“I’m not really in the trial stages anymore. Don’t think I’ve ever been” he clearly wanted to tell you more but was holding back.

Maybe it was for the better. Before you could think about a response to that, Neil added:

“Basically, we don’t have to use any labels. We’re just us” the simplicity of that statement broke through your resolve, making tears well up “Me and you. We know best what that implies and no one else matters” quietly, you sobbed, and he laughed before choosing to put that final nail in the metaphorical coffin “You’re my love, and that’s the only nickname I need” Neil sounded happy, as though despite your worries, he wanted to say that “I can be your idiot, as long as I’m yours” the punchline came with an audible smug smile.

Oh my god. You laughed, with tears still silently falling down your cheeks and heart hammering in your chest. He was impossible. Absolutely impossible. Suddenly asking that crucial question was not that scary. Because maybe today was the day when would tell you, without alcohol or worries prompting the confession. Taking the plunge, you spoke:

“Neil, do you-”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted you with an answer.

“I haven’t even asked the question” you frowned, unsure whether that kind of an answer was better than a confession.

Because, yes, he already said it once (almost twice), but both those have been anything but thoughtful. And your ever doubting brain was quick to use that fact against you.

“But I know the answer” he sounded certain.

Perhaps too certain.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to tell you over the phone” Neil sighed heavily on the other end “Listen, I have to go… but call me or text if you need to talk” he hesitated before adding, “No matter what I want you to remember what I said that night in London”

Oh… It was the first time any of you brought it up. You just assumed it was one of the things that just slipped out in an unguarded moment. You wanted it to be true, but then that was too risky. But maybe not…?

“I heard you” you whispered despite being alone in the room.

“I know” you could picture the soft smile he sometimes gave you “Goodbye, my love. Good luck with work” at the reminder of the piles of papers still waiting, you groaned, causing him to laugh.

“Will be needed since what you’ve assigned me is close to impossible” the change of the topic was dearly welcomed.

Grabbing the laptop again, you opened it up and felt all the motivation dissolve upon the sight of the route waiting to be planned. Coffee will be needed. And maybe whiskey too.

“I believe in you,” Neil broke your brooding with a comment, “And it’s not really me who assigned it” you rolled your eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. Bye, idiot” unable to stop the grin on your face, you ended the call.

So maybe it was worth calling… Even if only to learn that he was in fact yours. And that he did not mind your insecurity or moments of anxiety. Maybe all this had some more potential than heartbreak and tragedy? Ignoring all the thoughts, you focused on the workload. After all, someone had to get all those bloody vehicles on time for the boys to play with.

*** The closer it got to the day, you could feel the tensions rising within the team. Partially it was your own fault and the fact that you were nervous. The plan was vague enough. What you and Ives’ squad knew was that TP intended to take over the plutonium 241 on the move, specifically on the highway leading out of the city. For some reason, he needed a fire truck and a firefighter suit for that. You had no clue why, but you blamed it on the boyish dreams of being a firefighter. Sure they all had those.

Neil was simply the designated driver and mission coordinator, and you hoped that meant he would stay out of harm. As much as that was possible for an idiot like him. You were not allowed to meet to stop TP from getting suspicious, and so all you could do was rely on texts and daily phone calls to keep you from going insane. The downside of the situation was that you could not slap Neil when he said questionable things. Examples being referring to the heist car as sexy (“And what if I told that it’s not the BMW that’s sexy?” “I’d be flattered”) and calling you his girlfriend on the call with Ives. That second incident resulted in the squad leader acting all smug because he apparently ‘figured it all out’. He did not, but who were you to prove him wrong.

And so, you perfected the plan, finished all the assigned tasks, and waited on instructions concerning the day of the mission. When they came, the message was simple – sit on your assess and wait, just in case the Cavalry was needed. You did not specifically like that ‘waiting’ part. Especially since Ives began insisting that you do not actually join them in the field. In his mind, the safest place for you was the flat. Not being a part of the squad and not having enough experience were the main factors acting against you. And you hated the fact that he was right. That is until the evening before the mission when an unexpected text from TP came. You were busy trying to understand the rules of a strange competition show on the television when your phone buzzed. Expecting something nonsensical from Neil, you picked it up instantly. Only to get shocked by the number on display. The message was straightforward:

“Join the squad in the field in Tallinn. You must be there”

Right… When you were asking the universe for help, you did not expect that. But it was better than nothing.

Without a further ado, you got up and wandered over to Ives, who was sat with Wheeler and Michael at the table. Upon your approach, the Brit looked up:

“Don’t tell me you’ve got some last-minute changes from Neil” his blue eyes were hazed with concern.

“No, I’ve got something better” you passed him the phone and waited for a response.

The widened stare and arched eyebrow was the initial reaction.

“He wouldn’t have sent if it wasn’t important” you added, hoping to win the case.

“I don’t get it” Ives sighed heavily, leaning back in the chair.

He glanced at Michael, who nodded and left the room. You just assumed that the discussion was not meant for any ordinary squad member.

“Apologies for my language, but you’re not a bloody soldier, and it might get rough out there” Ives spoke up again after a beat “And I don’t want to fucking worry about your safety amidst all the other mess” he met your gaze warily.

It was a little embarrassing to be considered a burden. You flinched internally before trying another approach.

“I know, but Neil might need me” as soon as you said the words, Ives scowled.

Of course, that just sounded like a lovesick teenager fighting for a hopeless case. And you hated that. But his very next words triggered the remains of resolve.

“Frankly, darling-”

You broke into a laugh, knowing the quotation well.

“I swear, if you quote Gone with the Wind right now, I’ll do something stupid” as a warning, you grabbed hold of the knife lying on the table, making Wheeler snicker quietly “Please, let me go out there. I can track his GPS signal or something. And well, you know that I’ve got a good aim. It might count for something” pleading was not your forte either but at the end of the speech, Ives’ gaze softened.

Maybe? He sighed once again before leaning his forehead on the folded forearms on the table.

“If you get hurt, he’ll kill me” he muttered gloomily.

“You’re exaggerating” you bit back a dry chuckle.

“No, he’s not” your head snapped up at the sound of Wheeler’s voice “But I’ve got to back you here if TP sent that text, then it’s probably important” she looked at you with a small smile.

“Thank you” you grinned back, grateful for the support.

With the days spent among men almost exclusively, Wheeler’s company meant a lot. Soon she became the only person you were willing to discuss your worries with. Because she was not keen on cracking dumb jokes about your relationship and asked questions that did not only concern Neil. And that was a welcomed change.

“You really need to be careful though, because Neil cares about you. Which probably makes you the most important person on this squad” her voice broke through your thoughts.

You knew she meant well, but the statement still made your cheeks heat up. Because did he really care?

“Don’t. You’re making me all flustered” deciding you’ve had enough of the awkwardness you got up to fix a tea.

“Well, I’m only speaking the truth here” turning back to the table, you saw Wheeler shrug “The physics boy took his fancy upon you, and that’s no funny business” she grinned at your perplexed expression.

Briefly, you glanced at Ives, who seemed to have given up on fighting with you and instead was listening in to the conversation with a neutral facial expression. The kettle boiling was your cue to respond:

“Great” semi-aggressively, you threw the tea bag into the mug poured the water “Did he though?” you asked, not even looking at them or expecting an answer.

“Yep,” Wheeler stood up and gave you a quick reassuring shoulder squeeze.

“I’ve never seen him like this before” Ives added once you turned to face him again.

That tea could not brew any longer…

“Not even with…” you hesitated before adding quietly, “Alex?”

“Not quite,” the man gave you an enigmatic smile, only increasing your frustration “You’ve convinced me though. You’re coming with us. Just please, for the sake of my sanity, be careful out there” you resisted the urge to jump up in relief “Because I’d rather not deal with an angry Neil. He’s a pain in the ass enough” Ives added darkly before getting up and joining you by the kitchen counter.

Smiling, you finished the tea.

“Thanks. I’ll do my best” playfully, you nudged his shoulder with yours “You can always blame me though” picking up the mug, you turned towards the corridor.

“As though he’d care” Ives muttered at your back.

The sudden surge of confidence was surprising yet also inspiring:

“I’d make him care. There are some things even he can’t say no to”

The last thing you heard upon closing the door to the bedroom was Ives choking on water.

*** The Tallinn mission for you began with an early morning phone call from Neil. You got as far as getting out of bed after having been staring at the ceiling anxiously for the past three hours when the phone rang.

“Morning,” you muttered, stifling a yawn.

Espresso was certainly needed. Maybe two, before you would have to head out.

“Hey,” the soft tone felt like a mild punch “I’m glad you’re up already” Neil’s sleepy voice made you wish you could wake up together again.

There was always that slightly husky tinge to it, the way he lazily pronounced some words just because it was early still. So different from the enthusiastic overenunciation when he was preaching another messed up plan of his. Or the cheeky inflections he tended to use with you during banter. It was terrifyingly easy to get to know him that well because of how open he was with you.

“I couldn’t sleep. But it’s okay I’ll manage” you admitted, distracting yourself from the sudden thoughts “I didn’t tell you last night, but I got another text from TP… he wants me to join the squad today”

From the moment you have shut the bedroom door the previous night, you have debated calling Neil about it. But then he initiated another rather amusing texting exchange focusing on his fashion choices, and you felt bad disrupting the peace. It could wait. Not anymore. You held your breath until Neil responded with a simple question:

“Why?” he was careful, and you could not blame him for it.

You perched on the windowsill and looked out at the quiet cityscape. The streets were strangely empty for a weekday morning. Sighing, you answered in the best way possible:

“I don’t know, but Ives said yes after some coaxing, so I might see you out there” smiling despite yourself, you waited for his response.

Since recently you had to rely on phone calls, it became increasingly easy to determine his mood based on the tone of the reply. Or on the various nonverbal noises he sometimes made. Now there was a quiet hum proceeding the sentence. A surprise, mild confusion, and worry. Brilliant.

“As much as I’m happy we might meet… and that you can see me in that sexy car,” you rolled your eyes awaiting the point “Please, be careful. I need you safe”

It was not disappointing. You knew he did not intend it that way, and yet the anxiety fuelled brain was onto it instantly. I need you… safe. Unable to stop the comment, you muttered:

“Just safe, then”

“What?” any hope that he might have missed it dissolved with that single question.

Could he for once not listen to what you say? You know, like men tended to do. But then Neil was by no means an ordinary man.

“Nothing. Don’t mind me” the attempt at saving your dignity failed too.

“I thought it goes without saying that I do need you. And that I want you”

Oh god. At once, you wanted to smash your head into the wall and to kiss the bastard for being the way he was. Adding to that sentence, the mental image of his sheepish smile was enough to make your heart speed up. When the silence stretched, becoming awkward, you whispered a reply.

“It’s good to hear it sometimes” the coldness of the window glass cooled off your blazed cheeks, “Especially when I don’t actually believe it” he knew that by now, undoubtedly.

Here the nonverbal cue was a half-choked sigh. Annoyance. Frustration.

“You should. I don’t go around telling everyone that” Neil’s confident voice was trying to pull you back “And I certainly don’t have moments as we do with anyone else” at the implication, you felt flustered again.

Because there did not an hour go by without you thinking about what happened. The pull between you was startling at times. The absolute desire you felt. The way Neil knew exactly how to make you remember every second of every moment. With the memories flooding your brain, you could only utter a single question:

“Why me?”

It was curiosity. Because apart from that evening months ago when you first tried to make sense of your budding relationship, he never said why he cared about you. And you would never dare ask. But now, with everything that happened, it was worth trying. And Neil was willing to deliver:

“I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because you’re the bravest, kindest, most beautiful person I know” you could only keep on listening with your mouth agape “You fascinate me, and I want to discover all that you’re willing to give me” he finished in a reverent whisper.

That was not what you expected to hear. Not now. Not ever. Speechless, you wondered whether maybe this time it was not a mistake to give your heart away. It was too late. He had everything but your body; that was just a matter of time.

“Neil, I…” this was all you could manage, afraid you would give away another confession.

“Well, you’ve asked,” he chuckled lightly and then asked, “Are you okay?” you could picture that crease between furrowed eyebrows.

“I suppose-” a loud knock on your door interrupted the sentence; it was time, “I think I should probably join them for the final briefing…” hesitantly, you jumped off the sill.

Only two of you could be interrupted during such an important conversation.

“Go, I won’t keep you. Believe me, though, when I say that I want nothing but to be with you. In every way possible” your breath hitched at the connotation behind the sentiment.

Jesus, this man…

“That’s rather mutual,” like a secret you passed it to him on a sigh “But only when you’re not an ass” that was a much-needed distraction for you both.

There was work to be done, after all. You could hear the commotion in the apartment rise in volume and strength.

“I’ll do my best then. Good luck, darling” you grinned at the nickname he was determined to use.

Darling, you could do with. It was better than the ‘love’ that always made you feel like you were just another one among many.

“Don’t do anything stupid I still owe you a few slaps… and a payback” you added the necessary suggestive tone to the last word.

The rest was up to him to figure out. Which he did, if the pleased laughed was anything to go by.

“I’m very much looking forward to all of those” you missed that smirk.

“You should. Bye, my idiot,” you debated saving his number as that in your phone.

Maybe it was the way forwards.

“My love,” laughing, you ended the call when he uttered the words just for the sake of it.

But then that was Neil’s essence – doing things just because. Or to get a reaction from you. And you would not have it any other way.

*** Only when sitting in that bloody SUV, you learned the true meaning of waiting. And how much you hated to do that. There was nothing to do apart from sweating in the protective gear and avoiding the awkward small talk others were susceptible to. The squad has cramped into two non-descript vehicles, and you being the so-called precious cargo, ended up in the same car with Ives who have sworn to protect you. Only, for the first half-hour, there was nothing to protect you from. Apart from anxiety, boredom, and frustration.

Your role was rather simple – follow Neil’s signal on the map to know where you might be needed should he call for backup. As much as you did enjoy the possibility of tracking his movements somehow, you did not appreciate the cheeky smile Ives had on his face when he gave you the job. Or the comment combined with it: “Well, he’s your boyfriend, it’s only fair you keep him on the metaphorical leash here”. That is how the small blinking dot on the map of Tallinn became your sole focus for the past hour. Just before everything kicked off, Neil radioed you with a simple message: The mission is about to start. Wait for further instructions.

Ever since your morning phone call and the revelations that came out, you only exchanged a few texts concerning the practicalities of the action. Despite the nerves, you did hope to see him in near future. Even if just to check whether what he said was true. Looking for a distraction from the sudden thoughts, you glanced at the screen again. They were near, on the main junction of the highway, heading towards the port. Your SUVs were parked underneath a small overpass, five minutes away in the current traffic conditions. Which proved to be convenient, as it turned out.

“Is he still following the set route?” Ives’s question brought you to the present moment.

“Yeah, they’re-” you glanced to double-check the exact location when you realised that something has changed.

The dot was not moving. It was still blinking, but clearly, they have stopped at a crossing. Traffic lights? Your brain somehow knew that it could not be that simple. You opened your mouth to voice the thoughts when the comm came alive on the dashboard with static crackling:

“We need back up here. ASAP”

“Roger that” Ives tossed you the radio “Ask him about the details”

Without waiting for more information, Michael fired up the SUV engine as Ives contacted the second vehicle.

“Neil” you spoke into the receiver “What happened?” you flinched at the louder noise from the radio.

Gunshots?

“We’ve been ambushed by Sator’s people. TP’s status unknown”

Bloody brilliant. Swallowing down the rising worries, you asked another question:

“How many people?” another gunshot pierced the silence.

“Not sure. They’ve gotten clean up orders” a strained breath from Neil told you how bad the situation was.

“Okay. We’ll be there soon” you glanced at the road ahead.

Still, 2 mins to go. Anxiety was threatening to overpower you at any moment. But now was not the time.

“Hurry up” Neil closed the channel with a final dose of static.

Fuck… Forcing a deeper breath, you could only watch as you got closer to him. The sheer thought of something happening to Neil was unimaginable. That was enough to trigger panic. So you pushed the idea to the back of your head, focusing on the distance disappearing.

There was no mistaking the fact that you have been led to the right place. Crashed cars, asphalt littered with glass shards and broken parts, gunshots piercing the air. The destination looked like a car pile-up from an action sequence. Frantically looking through the windows, you tried to spot that blonde head. To no avail. The SUV came to a sharp halt as the squad members began jumping out of the vehicle. Once everyone else disembarked, you moved to follow them, only to be stopped by Ives:

“You’re staying here. I can’t have you out in the shoot-out” his blue gaze was stern, hand blocking exit out of the car.

The idea that you were so close to Neil and could not see him was enough to make you angry.

“I can handle myself. And he’s-” you spit out the words in the face of the squad leader while trying to push him away.

“I said no. The conversation’s over” with a final glare, he stepped away and scanned the horizon for immediate danger “If someone approaches the car, you know what to do,” he threw as a parting remark and disarmed the rifle.

Fucking hell! Groaning in frustration, you kicked one of the seats. He was so close. You glanced at the device in your hand. He could not be further than behind the first line of crashed cars. Biting on your lip harshly, you quickly went over the options. One was to obey Ives and stay inside the bloody SUV like a well-behaved child everyone apparently took you for. No one seemed to care about the vehicles you parked on the outskirts of the action. Flinching at the further salve from the heavy artillery, you knew that the squad had joined the fray. You could be safe here… but… Taking a deep breath you knew there was no possibility you could stay away from the action. Not when Neil was there, potentially in danger. It was not possible to give up on someone that important just because you were told to. Christ…

Glancing through the windows again, you could see Sator’s people attempting to clear the place. The squad evidently attempted to push at them from one side, hoping to get a clean sweep that way. Then, just as you were about to go back to the internal crisis overwhelming your thoughts, you did a double-take. Surely not? You would recognize that hair colour everywhere. There he was attempting what was looking like a skirting manoeuvre to circle the mercenaries with the Cavalry on the opposite side. Only that left him completely uncovered, in the direct line of fire. Bloody idiot. The instinct to jump out and run to him kicked in. The only thing holding you back was the fact that you would disobey the orders. And leave the car unguarded. All the hesitation disappeared once the comm in the car crackled with static:

“Emergency assistance needed. ASAP” the tension in his voice made your pulse quicken.

The lack of response from the team made all the blood drain from your face. You could see him trying to hide behind some overturned car. The henchmen were near enough to get him with no problem.

That thought was all the convincing you needed. Swearing, you quickly pocketed the tracking device, adjusted your protective gear, and grabbed the gun. You have been offered a rifle (just in case), but you preferred the classic. At least it was something right?

In two leaps, you have covered the distance. With the team trying to get through the attack line on the other side, it was just you and Neil. You shot a round in the direction of the approaching merc, missing the target yet earning attention from the main object of your focus. His eyes met yours across the plane. You could see shock, worry, and something else there. Suddenly a salve whizzed past you. The bullets cutting through the air all around, shooting past your head and piercing the car behind. A strangled yell from Neil was a surprising reaction, yet you did not blink twice. He was all you could see. With a final surge through the field, you reached him. The pure fury and anguish in his eyes took you aback. Have you missed something? But there was no time to ask questions.

“Go, I’ll cover you” you whispered, looking at the approaching group of mercs.

Neil took an additional moment to stare at you as though he could not quite believe you were there. But then he jumped up, aiming the gun at the man closest to you. The same that undoubtedly attempted to take you out seconds prior. When the mercenary fell with a bullet in the head, you stared in shock. There was no time to recover as Neil pushed through, barely looking behind at you. It was surprisingly easy to tune out the emotions, taking out anyone who could threaten him or halt your advances. You worked well together, movements in sync enough to stun the opponents on a few occasions. For a second, you wondered whether it was only bound to get better the closer you get to each other. That was certainly an interesting idea… In no time you have met with the line of the squad, watching on as Ives dealt with the last man standing. You have won. The adrenaline started to leave your body, resulting in tremors and shaking hands. Clutching the gun to prevent it from cluttering to the ground, you met the exasperated gaze of the squad leader. Your only response was a shrug. You did not regret the decision, seeing as you have evidently helped them in the field.

“Neil? Do you know where TP is?” Ives took his attention off you and looked at the blonde man.

You followed his gaze, for the first time actually looking at Neil since you spotted him across the plane. At the moment, you were struck by what a sight he was. Navy shirt with sleeves rolled up to expose the forearms covered with veins. The same tie he had on during your walk. Your pulse quickened. The vest drawing attention to the ratio between his broad shoulders and narrow hips, accentuated with a belt. Brown loose-cut trousers and scrapped leather shoes adding a classy touch. You were aware that you were staring yet unable to look away. Not knowing whether to blame it on the adrenaline rush, you wanted nothing but to touch him. Take off those driving gloves that piqued your interest at the first sight. Or have them be wrapped around your throat with just enough pressure. Get rid of the tie again. And…

“Think Sator took him” Neil’s response broke through your increasingly hazy thoughts.

Shaking off the images that started appearing, you looked up at his face again. The ruffled hair and flushed cheeks were not helpful. Fuck’s sake. It had to be stress. Because what else?

“Their place in the port?” Ives asked, his tone nothing but strict business.

“That’s my bet” Neil shrugged, looking around with something dark in his eyes.

He was tense, like a feral animal that could lash out any moment. You were not wrong. The cold blue gaze settled on you almost remorsefully, but before you could open your mouth, he snapped:

“What the fuck were you thinking?” the hostile edge to his voice was new.

You flinched as though you have been hit. The lack of physical impact did not matter. Your heart stammered. He need not explain what it was about. Please no.

“You needed a cover. They weren’t responding, so I did the obvious” you shrugged, feeling the anger grow “And I could ask you the same question” spitting the sentence into his face, you took a step closer.

You have never seen him that furious. Not even in Oslo after your little fuck-up. The sight was both terrifying and alluring. The dark blue eyes blazed with fury. Jaw clenched. Slight pink tint on the cheeks. And yet, still, you had no idea why he reacted like this.

“I knew what I was doing. That’s the difference” the coldness of his voice threw you off.

So it was real. He did mean it. You tried to save him, and here he was, pissed off at you. Making you almost regret it. Almost, because the love was there too. Not giving away no matter what.

“That’s bullshit” it felt good to admit, “You were reckless, as always, and expecting me to-” your rant got interrupted by a strangled yell.

Nothing prepared you for the revelation then. Or the sudden anguish on his face.

“You were almost shot!” Neil’s eyes glistened as though he was close to tears.

Suddenly it made sense. The rain of bullets you were hit with just before getting to him. The way he reacted. But you made it. Nothing happened. So why was he acting like that?

“Almost” ignoring the growing pain in your chest, you pointed out the obvious.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Ives and the rest of the squad observing you. You would rather not have an audience, but then Neil seemed determined to drive his point forward. His face scrunched into a pained scowl.

“Fucking hell,” turning away from your gaze, his back tensed even more “You can’t do shit like that just because I’m involved” the defensive tone took you aback.

What? It was getting worse. You could feel the confidence leaving your body as you struggled for a response. You would never think Neil would do something like that. Not after everything you have told him. Figuring out the only way you that could work, you took your own line of attack.

“Who says I did it only because it was you?” the implication hurt because it was partially correct “Quite an ego you’ve got there” his back was still turned to you.

That angered you even more. Crossing the distance, you placed your hand on his shoulder, making him turn to you. He flinched upon the contact as though your touch burned him. Oh my god. The tears welled up in your eyes. It could not be real. But the emotionless look in the eyes you thought you knew was very much real. It was as though before you realised Neil has built up a wall, guarding himself against you. And there was nothing you could do to get through. You got shocked by the cruel smirk that split his face.

“I can see the way you look at me. As though you wanted to-” you interrupted him sharply.

“Neil”

It was too much. Perhaps because it was true. But he was not done. Persistent to keep going.

“Admit it. It’s because you said some things, and now you can’t bear the thought of losing the object of your affection” the careless tone and the words pierced your heart with gut-wrenching pain “Well, you see, sometimes feelings need to be put aside” he added, almost casually.

Fuck. You gasped, unable to keep a straight face. He might as well see what he has done. Some things. So this is how much your confession meant to him. Good to know. You wanted to slap him, but you felt like that could turn back on you. So instead, you made sure to straighten your back, putting on the familiar mask of neutrality. You have done this before. Probably should have expected it. Only why did it hurt ten times more?

“Can we leave the bloody lovers quarrel till later?” Ives’s voice pierced through the tension.

But you were not ready. Raising your hand in a stopping motion, you turned back to Neil. His face was terrifyingly indifferent. Maybe it was all an act. Or maybe it was just that easy for him to get over whatever you thought you had. A lie. Gathering the smithereens of confidence, you forced a levelled tone:

“Says you. As though you’re acting out of reason right now” you gave him your best impression of the sneer visible on his face.

You could crumble at any moment now. Only the pounding in your ears and the wounded pride were keeping you upwards. But Neil wanted to destroy everything.

“More than you” he glanced at the team waiting impatiently “I really thought you’d know better than this” the punchline was more than you could take.

No. Please no. Your knees buckled, and you swayed. But then you caught the flash of concern in his eyes. Just for a split of a second. So it was not all cold and hatred? You heard Ives huff out a string of curses. There was no time for this. Whatever it even was. Honesty it was then.

“Better than to give away my heart to someone like you? Evidently not” you met his eyes for the final time before walking away in the direction of the SUVs.

The shock you saw in Neil’s face was enough to fuel the survival instincts. With the heart broken or not, the mission was still on. And the rest was silence.

#tenet #neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet fanfic #tenet fanfic #robert pattinson #the art of inversion

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shatouto · 4 years

Text

i have a sudden need to ramble (cw eating disorder ; repressed asexuality )

i used to think that this was because i am an artist since childhood: i genuinely can’t tell if a person is ‘hot’ if i just look at them. i can take notes on their features. i can find the shapes of their face interesting or uncommon. but i don’t get ‘hot’. i do find a person beautiful but only after i’ve known something about what they do, e.g. an actor who’s rly talented. if irl people, then i def only get crushes on ppl based on competency. (i have loved my childhood friends for years because he’s just so, so, soooo kind and sensitive and good at art and photography; i crushed horribly on this fellow actress in a theatre festival i participated in for One (1) week; i fell so hard for this girl in college who was AMAZING at giving dynamic presentations; then again for a boy who’s just rly adorably dedicated to the debate society he founded; etc. and all those time, it was more romantic than sexual.) i have never been able to articulate this and as a teen ive always felt confused and left out as hell when my friends gush over idols, all that. i briefly learned about demisexuality and thought that it fit quite well, but i didn’t look more into it out of some unexplained skepticism. generally i tried to conform; it took me a while to copy my surrounding’s reaction at conventionally attractive people to pretend i have the same capacity to perceive ‘hotness’, but the truth is i never really do.

it doesn’t help that my parents were horribly judgmental to other people’s looks and while they were polite on the outside, they were always making very mean remarks about their own friends behind their backs (i have trust issues for this reason; always worried my friends actually think im ugly and bad, like my parents do). they did that to my own friends as well, always criticizing even the friends of mine that they ‘approved’, especially this ex-best friend of mine who was fat and generally gender non-conforming - to the point where i was absolutely terrified of being anything like this person, even though they were my closest friend at the time. when this person came out as nb aroace, i was so frightened that i stopped contemplating demisexuality altogether. around that time also, i got sucked into the “anti-sjw” hole and i shut down every attempt at exploring my general non-conformity. in college, studying abroad and in a new environment, i berated myself for not being able to keep up with parties or ‘hook up’ the way my coevals could - i just felt very very sapped by those socializing activities. being alone in a crowd is tiring. somewhere amidst all this i went into a period of hyperfeminine presentation in hopes of grounding myself in conformity and also pleasing my parents - which gradually aggravated my deep-seated body image issues, dysmorphia, and finally full blown anorexia.

as i recovered and got out of that phase, got back into gender studies, i began to find myself. i was honestly very hesitant to consider asexuality when someone suggested it to me again. i have always been very very romantic and more or less touchy-feely (or as touchy-feely as a repressed kid brought up asian could be, lmao); i refused, for a long time, that i could be somewhere on the ace spectrum. even as i recovered, i was so deathly afraid of being a ‘snowflake’. i’ve only very recently accepted the fact that i do not experience sexual attraction the majority of the time. even romance; i can’t imagine romance without a long trusting friendship. ‘hot’ means nearly nothing to me at all, be it in the sense of ‘conventionally attractive’ or ‘inspiring sexual arousal’ (somehow). regardless of the label, that’s the way i am, and i can reject the label but i can’t force myself to feel things i don’t feel.

i wish as a teen somebody had told me that it was okay to be unsure and contemplating, and that i did not have to care about how narcissistic abusers judge people. i don’t know why im typing all of this out but i guess we all need introspection sometimes. i don’t know why im posting what i typed but i guess i feel the need to be perceived sometimes. at least this way if it resonates with someone, that someone wouldn’t feel alone as i did, hopefully.

#shatou rambles #text #personal #pls mute the shatou rambles tag to avoid this kinda stuff on your dash haha #cw eating disorder #(mentioned)#long post #asexuality #sorry i can’t do a read more on mobile #should’ve typed this out for ace awareness week but my brain just doesn’t let me do anything in time

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vamp-geekz · 3 years

Text

Benny x Ethan Idol AU

it was sometime in the afternoon I was in a hotel one of the 5 star ones that have a pool on the balcony. i was chilling out just kind of laying on the ground next to the pool listening to a podcast a old paranormal case some were in Mexico. my love for the paranormal never went away even after my song blew up back when I was 13. the day i left my grandma back in New York to travel with my agent was the day i left my true self. and now I'm some kind of teenage heart-throb. Benny the biggest music artist since Harry Styles.

“Boss?” i looked over to see Erica holding a clip bored and some papers. “How many times must i say this. Call me Benny or Ben.” she looked flustered “Ah yes sorry si- Benny.” she looked like she was fumbling with her phone “what’s up? is it another Fan meet and greet?” she scrolled on her phone for a second before answering:

“something like that.. See a old friend of mine from another side of state reached out to me about a artist she knows. the artist goes by ‘Morgan’ and they are a realistic abstract artist. They are apparently a fan of your music and she was asking me if you had a plan for your next album cover.” i looked at Erica as if i was unsure of what to think. “well can i see this artists work???” She searched through her phone once again pulling up a painting of a boy with blond hair. the painting was huge and had a abstract feel as it was covered in bright colors almost splattered all over the canvas. “I- i love it i would love to meet this artist!”

Erica beamed “oh thank god you said yes because if you didn't i would have to have brought up the fact that there was a lot of different paranormal experiences in the town they live in.” i looked at her with a spark in my eye. “WAIT DO THEY LIVE IN WHITE CHAPLE!?!?!” Erica smiled “yes they do” i felt the smile grow on my face.

the town of White Chapple is a huge paranormal hot spot that only a few paranormal investigators dare to go. there are mentions of werewolves, undead animals, odd sicknesses, grave robbers, living dolls made of plastic, and the thing that the town is truly known for Vampires. i almost couldn't contain my excitement. “you will have to stay in the only hotel there unless your willing to stay with my friend and me.” i looked at Erica and gave her a smile “that's ok! do you have the artists number? “I can ask Sarah if she has there number.”

a few hours after I talked to Erica about the artist i got a text attached to a number. with the message attached to said “this is Morgan's number they know who you are and apparently they promised Sarah they wouldn't completely freak out.” I smiled at the text and added the number to my contacts before heading to bed.

i rolled out of the huge bed. it was way to big for just me. it actually kind of made me feel alone. i stood up rubbing my eyes as i looked at my phone. a text from “Morgan” i looked at my phone.

Morgan: So is this the real thing or is Sarah trying troll me to make me cry again?

Benny: No this is the real thing Haha.. how often dose she do that?

i replied like a hour later and i kind of felt bad but i got text back actually really fast as if They were just looking at there phone this whole time. Erica did say that they were a fan.

Morgan: Way to often.

Benny: Well yes it is really me! and i absolutely love your artwork its absolutely stunning.

Morgan: gdjkskbgjdsg THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

I don't know why this reaction made me so happy it was just adorable... i found myself really wanting to get to know this person. maybe i just haven't found very many real people in my life or maybe there was just something pulling me toward this one person.

days went by and we were talking non stop over text. they have a little sister that is a big inspiration to the different flowers present in there art work. other then my music they listen to a lot of punk rock and some softer music. they were real and i felt like i had known them for ever.

i let myself smile and walk onto stage for my last show in this city. I've done this show over 100 times at this point but this one seemed so incredibly long and when i finally got of the stage the first thing i wanted to do was call Morgan. this was our first time on a face time call infact this was my first time seeing there face. for a split second i thought of what they might look like. i didn't settle on anything as to not get my hopes up. and as soon as i walked into my hotel room i wiped out my phone and texted them.

Benny: ok i can call right now i just got out of my show.

Morgan: oh yeah ok give me a second!

i gave it a few mins and then i saw my phone ring. my heart skipped a beat as i saw the face time call show up on my phone screen i almost felt like a little kid who just got a new game for no reason at all. and when i answered the phone i was greeted with soft brown eyes and a extremely handsome smile. “its you its really you!” his voice was soft and sounded almost loving. “Yeah I'm the real thing silly”

he seemed stunned to be talking to me and Honestly there have been a lot of times that i forgot i was some kind of star myself. we talked all night and made a plan about when i come to stay. it was gonna be a bit of a vacation for me and he was gonna let me stay in his apartment with his sister so i wouldn't have to stay in the shit hotel. he told me his full name was Ethan Morgan and uses his last name as his artist name. he told me about his plans for his life and a big dream that he has always had.

we shared interests in the paranormal and he happed to know his fair share of vampire facts. we are both huge dorks at heart and it was a instant connection that we had. and the days leading up to meeting him felt like years.

when the day came that we jumped on the road Erica seemed so much happier then normal. “Thank you so much Ben! its been so long since I've seen her” Erica smiled all big at me in a dorky kind of way and i smiled back Ethan taking over my thoughts. I wasn’t even thinking about how hungry I was or how long the drive will be. After about a hour on the road we stopped at a truck stop. i of cores could not leave the car for the god forsaken fam that had been place apon my head like a crown years ago.

i feel asleep in the car and woke up to Erica shaking me awake. we had just entered the town of white chapel. it was underwhelming as Ethan said it would be. But i tell you what it was cute unlike a lot of the big city's that i had been in before.

we went to meet Ethan and Sahara at the small coffee shop that i think just happened to be the only one in the town. We sat down and i was shaking i think Erica could tell because she taped my shoulder when the small boy walked in. this was no fan meet and great, he made me way to happy.

i stood up and darted across the room to take the smaller boy into my arms. my heart pounding out of my chest when the small painter wrapped his arms around me. at that moment i felt somethin.. it was a feeling of being complete even if it was just for a second i could tell that it was warm and it felt safe... i felt safe with him in my arms.

i pulled away from the hug i truly never wanted it to end. his hand rested on my hips and my arms rested on his shoulders. Time truly did stop at that moment. I looked into his eyes and I saw my happiness. I saw the other half that I have been missing for my entire life.

And I think he saw the same thing. Because the soon soon as I pulled away from that hug I naturally started to lean in. It was not expected to me and I don’t think it was expected to him. But for a moment we shared a kiss one that truly completed me. And I don’t understand why.

💕This is an authors note because I’ve been working on this for way too long I’m posting this tonight because I’m not sure if I want to continue if you guys can let me know if you want to continuation I’m posting a book on Wattpad with all ive my Benny x Ethan story’s💕

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nico-idc · 3 years

Text

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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alfiejeffreys · 3 years

Text

FMP Evaluation

Disorder/Order

I found myself favouring this theme because I felt so much connection to everything with it. I felt it having the most inside it rather than the other themes, like I could link any and everything through it. Wondering why I chose it, maybe the idea of order or disorder was on my mind at the time, maybe I visualised my project and what it could be, before it was.

Ive always loved something wrong, something without structure from someone else, the idea of distorted art work always was with me. I don’t like realism as much as imagination coming to life with something new, something your unsure of where it comes from. I watched a Joe rogan podcast and he spoke about how when your hammering a nail, you know your hammering it and can recognise that you did it after. But when it came to creativity and more expressive work it’s like you’ve tapped into something else, like your not fully there, that the art is using you to make the work not the other way around. You don’t know where it came from, the work is being sieved through your psychical motion, like it’s someone else who designed it, or a deep self.

Loui Jover very much intrigued and affected my work. His detached forms work really was part of my idea generation.

I wanted to do something with distortion, and his work instantly connected to my artistic wants. An artist who I’m unsure of who they are, wether they were an artist we researched in class or a past student who we researched I don’t know. But their work very much was good for my work, it helped me to understand how I wanted my distorted faces to come across and how i wanted them to look, since their work was of the same style.

I believe the movie Joker 2019 starring Joaquin Phoenix affected me a lot with this distortion sort of theme.

Psychological disorders interest me in a weird way. As well as Shutter Island 2010 starring Leanardo Di Caprio also affected me, his character and his story through out. So amazing. Really made me want to express myself through it.

What you see when you look into someone’s eye, what do you see? What do you think about them as a person, without knowing them. Now question why you think that, where did that idea come from? That judgement came from you, but where did you get it from. That concept, that sort of theme. Really. Really intrigues me.

Thecollinson. An artist I found on Instagram. I’ve been following his work for a while, 2 years almost. I would call his paintings slightly distorted, almost like their unfinished. He has a very interesting way of using the paint, using various different colours and shades with a large range of differential amounts of paint.

Mostly working in painting faces, though it may not actually have a face, or at least a normal one. Leaving splurges of paint at different points to represent the features of a face or even just having it all blank. Possibly painting only around the face.

In fact. I contacted him and asked him a few questions. Let’s see what he has to say.

Alfie: Do you have a plan to make this or an idea in your head?

Or does it just come together as you go along

TheCollinson: Something like that I have an idea of just an eye then build around it. That piece was for a client. They just wanted one eye and had some colours they like so I just went with the flow bringing it together. I just love working with thick oil paint. The outcome feels great.

Alfie: Amazing! And would you say their are any other artists that inspire your work or your mark making. What got you into this style? X

TheCollinson: My favourite artist is Van Gogh his use of thick impasto, the way he applied brush strokes and his use of colour is just mind blowing. I always look at Bram bogarts work and the way he Created texture . Also incredible Contemporary artist like Joseph Lee & Elena Gual really inspire me with their subject matter, mark making and use of thick paint.

Alfie: That is great, Van Goghs colour making is incredible! I agree. And if you could describe your paintings or a painting of yours in 4 words, what would they be?

TheCollinson: I’d probably say;

thought-provoking, abstract, colorful and unconventional.

Lino print, woodblock print, plastic board print, fabric painting, spray paint, developing ink photos, Photoshop and more, everything I’ve worked with in the FMP I’m grateful for, I think I’ve definitely enjoyed digital work and spray paint most.

Since I’m going into Graphics Design in the next year of the course I’d say it’s been my best. I’ve learnt how to make frame animation and gifs, understanding the software and how to work all I can on it.

Pushing my creativity through it with outcomes I’ve posted on my tumblr and Instagram pages.

I wanted to test what sort of faces or distortion I wanted to create for my outcomes. Looking at my artists and how they made them, I wanted to make collage a part of my work. So using collaging with faces from magazines and papers was quite perfect. Experimenting with paper collaging on many other occasions got me used it. Making it nice when piecing together the faces and which I wanted to use.

The 12 A5 collages we made on our first week back from lockdown was gorgeous.

That work definitely made me want to keep collaging as a part of my work. Using my collaging on my vinyl record, CD, and pizza box just pushed me even more to keep wanting to use objects. I find it so much more valuable when it’s on an object or with an object rather than paper or a canvas. All these factors came through to my project naturally from this experimentation.

Presenting my outcomes at the end of year show would be an interesting one. I think I’m going to turn all my outcomes into a single sculpture and would present as so for the show. Sticking them together with very serious super glue. I’d present my outcomes in their habitat.

The plate and mug in a supermarket or China store, alongside regular kitchenware. The golf club would be in a golfing store or course next to regular clubs. Are you seeing a pattern? The frame I’d like in a gallery on the wall. The plunger I’d like in a household. The taps would be on a sink, connected. And the pan finally I’d like to be used to cook with. Though I’m not sure what I want to do with my future sculpture yet so maybe I will be using it.

Ten words to describe my overall outcomes.

Relatable

Empty

Individual

Free

Usual

Full

Useable

Colourful

Comfortable

Warm

Songs In The Key Of Life by Stevie Wonder would be my soundtrack.

I listened to it a lot through this time and listening to it whilst viewing my work just feels right. As well as i was listening to it whilst creating and designing my work. Three hours. Three hours a week I spent working on my project outside of college, wether it was designing final outcomes, sourcing objects or experimenting with medias. It was all enjoyable. My bedroom, living room and garden is where I’ve worked on my project.

I can’t fit in the photos for the four picture descriptions below so! I will number the three words to describe the image then then post the image after this with the corresponding number.

New

Pulling

Development

Helpful

Relatable

Attaching

Personal

Connecting

Mine

Thankful

Beautiful

Valuable

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palettepainter · 4 years

Text

(IMPORTANT UPDATES) Look back at 2019

Big changes for 2020! Hey there everyone! 2019 has come and gone, another year passed and a new chance for me to try and improve myself when the new year starts! As far as I know me and my family don’t have plans to celebrate New Years other then of course spending time together, but I want to post this now just so that it’s out of the way it’s posted and I won’t have to worry about. If I can be honest, 2019 towards the last few months of the year has been a real punch in the face..multiple punches. I’ve broken off connections with people who treated me wrongly in the past, had random breakdowns at school (don’t worry they weren’t seriously bad), had trouble with siblings - it’s been overall, a very up and down year for me, but sadly towards the end and in the running up to Christmas, it was mostly down. But hey, 2020 means the start of a new year and a new chance to grow stronger as a person and an artist!..Seriously though 2020, please be kind to me- As you can probably from what’s in the title, there are going to be a few big changes to my characters and stories going into 2020. I’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot ever since mid August, it’s been something I’ve mentioned to one or two people, but ultimately I had to make the choice. And now with 2019 gone and done and 2020 being the opportunity to start fresh, I think it’s a good time to make these announcements. I understand that this may upset a few of you and yes it is going to make things a bit confusing for my NGAU, but this is my choice and I’m confident that making this choice will lead to me being much more happier with what I make. 🔸I will not be continuing my Zoophobia: Next Generation book series To anyone new who doesn’t know what I mean, Zoophobia: Next Generation was a book series I started back in December 2018, which included my own NG’s and one or two OC’s from the fandoms Zoophobia and Hazbin Hotel. Since the first book the series has since gained a lot of attention on Wattpad, and believe me when I say that I am truly grateful for how much positive attention the series got! It was my first time ever writing something on my own and it felt really special to know so many of you liked what I was doing! But as the series went on, I slowly began to loose my drive to continue writing. This is something I’ve admitted to close friends, but now that I’m older and I’m more aware of errors in writing and certain ways in which writing can be written to be better, I realise that the series isn’t up to my current standards. The story itself isn’t one that I’m proud of, and as my first book series, I feel like I was biting off more then I could chew when I first started writing this series. Ive realised that the story line I had in mind would be too hard to work into both Zoophobia and Hazbin Hotel without me having to make very big changes to either of those fandoms current stories and/or certain characters personalities, and though yes it is my own AU so if I wanted I could change the characters to fit better with my story, but honestly, I don’t want to change the characters. The characters from Zoophobia and HH I absolutely adore and there isn’t much I want changed about them, so I don’t want to alter the characters drastically to the point where they become an entirely different character. The main drive of the story with the main characters didn’t pick up till around the second book, and when I first started writing, the story line wasn’t even finished, I was just going with the flow and linking one thing to the other, hoping people would like it just as much as I did at the time. And lastly, this is probably the biggest reason why I’m no longer going to be continuing the series, but the first couple of chapters of the first book where too heavily inspired by another book series: I don’t want to continue to create something, when I feel as if it’s been too heavily based around someone else’s work. I want to create my own stuff and I feel as though the first book just isn’t that, it’s not my own work, and that’s leaded to me viewing the first book as my least favourite. This means that from now going forward, any events that took place in the book series is now no longer cannon. Some headcannons will be changed and altered due to this, for one Eve’s Headcannon will be changing as she will now most likely be alive in my NGAU now, so the stories I had planned for her such and the stories I already posted are no longer cannon either: I will say also that this also counts for my Eve X Hatchet NG Diego, he will remain cannon and will most likely be alive also. As for the characters that where involved in the books such as Lucy, Maggot and Bumbuss, I’ll figure out what to do with them. I defiantly want to keep Lucy as she was the very first OC I ever made for the Zoophobia fandom that wasn’t a NG, but I’m unsure on what to do with Maggot and Bumbuss. As much as I now don’t enjoy the series, it was fun to write while it lasted, and I cannot stress enough how grateful I am too everyone who ever read, liked, or commented on the series! But from now on, I won’t be returning to the series. I held off on announcing this and the reason it took me so long to decide this was because I didn’t want to leave you guys without a conclusion to the story, the series was only one book away from completion and I didn’t want to cut off the series so close to it being finished. But again, the book series isn’t something I enjoy anymore, so I hope all of you can understand and will hopefully look forward to the further projects I have planned 🔸New books to come Though my main book series will now be ending, I have a lot of ideas for new book series. Since the second and third book I had been having ideas for stories that could take place after the series, and the reason I kept doing the series for as long as I did was because I really wanted to start work on the stories that would take place after the series was finished. One of my goals for the new year is to try and push out more stories and book series for you guys, I feel like I’ve defiantly been lacking in the story department, mostly because I couldn’t find any ideas for illustrations to go with the story, and because I always felt too tired to ever finish any stories or illustrations. None of these story ideas yet have fully scripted out story lines, so far they’re just ideas and until I can get a script done for them, I won’t be starting work on them. I want these books to be as great and they can be, and not only do I want to make something that I can be proud of, but something that you guys will enjoy as much as I do. These ideas are in no particular order, and I haven’t decided if I’ll defiantly be doing all of these just yet, but here are some ideas I’ve had for books/book series for the future: -A book with my NG Box explaining her past before she came to live with Ribbon -A book with my OC Willem and how he discovers another hybrid like himself -Nidra’s story as she grows up to accept a new family, while letting a beloved friend go to persue their own life -Junior reapers: a story/series of stories involving Lotus, Charcoal, Parfait and Rae as they go on a quest to become junior reapers Maybe a MHA + Dragonous story *Dragonous is a Villainous dragon AU created by shabiest (Instagram), I will need to get permission from them if I want to write a book with this AU* Recently I got into My Hero Academia, and you can all blame that on my cousin When I first saw the series I kinda rolled my eyes at it, I’ve never really been a big anime fan the style never grabbed me when I was younger: and all I can say is that I should defiantly have given the series a try sooner MHA is a series I’ve come too really enjoy and love, I love the characters the story the dialogue, everything about this show! I’ve said this before but what I love about the show is how it’s great at showing us a large range of characters without straying too far from the main plot, and how this show makes me feel: there have been times where this show has had me emotionally frustrated, sad and happy, and if a show or a movie can make me feel a powerful emotion (angry sad or other), then I’m down for it. I’ve since made a few OC’s for the fandom, and I’ve been thinking about making a book about it. It’s not scripted out yet, and some of my ideas play into some events in season 4 - but if you guys enjoy MHA and you enjoy my OC’s, please let me know your thoughts! And Dragonous, a Villanious AU I’ve come to adore! I’ve always been a big fan of dragons, they where my favourite mythical creature growing up! (And still are to this day), with the creators permission I’d like to create a book with the few OC’s I’ve made, this one may not happen because again I need permission, but tell me your thoughts! Merch Again, something I’ve mentioned before, and something I’ve been really wanting to do! Me and my dad have made a shirt design with one of my OC’s, so far it’s only black and white (we’ve decided to go simple black and white since it’s my first time making merch), and hopefully if all goes well we can start to make more colourful merch However this all depends on you guys: I may be opening up commissions in the future, though I can’t say when, but this will depend on you: I have a PayPal and a KoFi if you guys wish to support me and my work (no pressure though!), every little bit counts and it would mean so much to me if you guys would consider supporting me and my work, even if it’s something as small as a pound! 🔸Collabs/art trades/design trades/RP’s There’s nothing really big to say about these things, but I have decided that from now on that I will only do these kinds of things with close friends.

Finally, I want to say a big BIG thank you to everyone who has stuck around on this crazy train ride to support me. This year as I said at the beginning, has not been the best for me towards the end, and I am so grateful to all the support you guys gave me. I know that I'm not very good with replying to comments/messages, and I'm so sorry if I never got round to replying to your message or comment, but I do read the comments, I do see the wonderful things you guys say, and it's absolutely delightful to see the nice things you guys say! I want to give a big big BIG thank you to these wonderful people who have been there for me, whether it was to geek out over a show to if they where there for me when I needed support: @hazbinextgeneration - You've been an amazing pal right from the beginning, you where one of the very first people I met when I first got into the Zoophobia and HH fandom and you've been an absolute gem! You've been there for me when I was down and you've listened through out all of my nerd outs about characters and shows, and to have someone listen to me meant so much! You comment on nearly every piece of my work and you're always so kind and giving! Not only to me but to so many others! You've made me a lot and fanart and I'm sorry I don't nearly do enough for you in return, going into 2020, I want to change that! @cosmic-artzz - If you hadn't been there to listen to me and help me out, I honestly don't know what kind of situation I would be in now. You helped me cut off ties with people I honestly wasn't happy talking with, and despite being dragged into my drama over and over again, you where still there to listen to both sides of the argument and give advice on how I could make things better. You've always been a delight to talk to and I'm so happy we had the chance to become friends! I'm so sorry you get dragged into my troubles as much as you did dude! Going into 2020, I promise you I'll be more confident in putting my foot down when I feel as though I'm not being treated fairly! And lastly, I want to thank all of you! For sticking with me on this crazy journey! Here's to 2020 and hoping its a wonderful year!!

#Goodbye 2019!#Ready for 2020

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iraprince · 5 years

Note

Are there any art exercises you can recommend to help get out of a like, year long art block? I always feel like I can never finish anything and am unsure of what to do to keep up motivation and practice...

i had a two year long art block and a couple times here and there i’ve talked abt art block being scary to me bc i couldn’t figure out HOW i got out of it, it just felt like one day i could suddenly draw again and i like EXPLODED with motivation (which is terrifying bc if i ever got blocked again how would i get out? what if it lasted two years again?)

but now that ive been thinking about things a while and i have some perspective i DO know how i got unblocked, and it wasn’t forcing myself. it was 1. improving my mental health and 2. passion.

i cant at all speculate abt your situation or what you have going on but i can say for myself that when i had a really long art block it was because i was burnt out. the underlying problem was that i was exhausted by just trying to take care of myself and survive, i had a demanding physical job that ate up all my physical energy on top of that and it was all i could do to go there and back, depression was eating me alive and its hard to have any creative energy left over! most of the time a serious, extended case of art block isn’t just a nonsensical “Drawing Machine Broke!” situation, it’s bc you have shit going on! your brain and your body are tired and busy and they don’t have time for art.

during that period pretty much all i managed to draw were little head and shoulders pencil busts of my favorite evil anime characters looking left. that was it. like maybe once a week i could manage a little evil anime boy face. because i’m passionate about evil little anime fuckers! that’s what could get my hand to move. i had a TINY burst of productivity near the middleish-end of my big block bc i was in an rp group for a little while that i got really into and drawing the character interactions was fun and exciting to me so suddenly i was like ok i can do this..... and then when i REALLY broke out of it and started actually producing content regularly again, instead of painstakingly spitting out a doodle the size of a postage stamp once every 10 days, was when i got the idea for TVRN and started it, and then suddenly i just EXPLODED and got it all back and started drawing every day.

but it wasn’t just like, “i love vampire porn so much that it cured me” or whatever. this also coincided with me living with my wife for the first time, which was fantastic for my mental health, and also i had been working on taking better care of myself for the entire like year leading up to that point. i got myself into a position where i had the energy and the stability to be READY to work, then i found something i was really really excited about, and that’s what popped me out of the hole.

all that being said, “motivation” and “inspiration” are fun at parties but they’re not good friends. they aren’t going to be there when you need them and you can’t wait around for them to show up bc they really don’t care about you that much. when they’re here, that’s great, but if they’re standing you up you have to just keep going. you said you can’t finish anything? cool, but that means you’re starting things. all those half-finished drawings still add up to be progress bc you’re still trying and that’s significant. try to release yourself from like, expectations of what’s ~good enough to post online~ or ~artistically valuable~ or whatever and just try fucking around with things you really really like, being self indulgent, and maybe eventually while you’re wandering around in there you’ll find something you’re really passionate about that you can make art about to bump you out of that hole. and take care of yourself throughout all of this! prioritize YOU, not the abstract concept of Getting Unblocked

sorry this got so fucking long lol

#unjoy #and my point in talking abt my burnout isnt to imply that if u cant pinpoint a bunch of sources of exhaustion youre faking it or something #im just saying pay attention to yourself. youre probably not giving yourself enough credit for all the other stuff going on in your life #both in terms of physical demands and just emotionally #and then youre demanding creative output from yourself on top of that

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21ate · 5 years

Text

everyman0

alright guys, i got some things to lay down about the fate of @everyman0. don’t worry: the story is NOT cancelled/going to be left unfinished, but the current hiatus stemming from the past few months may lengthen. i wanna make that clear from the start and also say that this will be a very long post, sorry! with that out of the way, lets talk:

due to recent events that ive spoken about in the past couple of days, and for my own personal reasons as well which ill talk about later down, i will be going through and scrubbing/rewriting certain sections of phase1 of everyman0. this is due in part to my agreement with the author of the callout post/blog that we have worked out in private. the individual has since rescinded their callout, as ive previously acknowledged with my last reblog, so theres no need to get up in arms about that part anymore. my focus now is to take responsibility and do what i can to make up for my past mistakes and thoughtlessness, not only as it pertains to the importance of the individual’s comfort, but also as it pertains to my own integrity as a creator

this isnt about whether or not it was fair for the individual to call me out, whether they were right or wrong, whether i am right or wrong, or anything of that sort - apologies have been issued, mutual understanding as been made, and we are moving on being better for it. what this IS about is me doing the right thing NOW, which i will do and continue doing as i have done over my lifetime without hesitation. and now as it always has been and will be, the right thing is to listen, be understanding, continue to learn and grow, and let my actions be the evidence that i am doing all of these things to the best of my ability. the me of around two years ago is vastly different than who i am today, edgier and very bad at planning things and communicating those plans just to name a few shortcomings, but we all have to start from a worse off place before we can reach a better one and is what ive always tried my best to work towards. thus, as the me of today wants to be the BEST of the best until forever, that will come with a bit of sacrifice and lots of work. that is why im deciding it would be in mine, the individual involved, and the fans of the story′s best interest to retcon everyman0 to something else - something better

honestly the initial retconning wont be a dramatic a change as this post may make it out to be thus far. i can only do so much to physically retcon what already exists in the post order without screwing everything up on down the line, so the plan for right now is simply to scrub the relevant section pertaining to the individual - removing images, posts, and so on. and, because this particular section was a set up for an in-story puzzle, i think it will be possible to rewrite, redraw, and restructure this section without too much of a hassle. this will be done over the next couple of days when i have the time

BUT, the long term plan is to not only retcon this specific section, but also rewrite ALL of the first chapter. i dont know how im going to do this yet or when, and i dont know if this may extend beyond just phase1, but phase1 will be where i start with this potentially massive overhaul. will it end up as a universal reboot of the entire blog? im unsure, but its not off the table in terms of my options

im very unhappy with how ive executed certain aspects about this story, and i have been for quite a while now actually. there have been many times where ive thought about doing things over somehow, even before this situation occurred, but i always laid those thoughts aside because i felt like it would be an impossible task and it would nullify and erase the growth that can be seen in my art and in my writing from over the blog’s run time. however, i see now that while yes this will still be a lot of work on my end, it will be worth it if it means putting out something i can be near totally satisfied with. i want to do this story i have in my head the justice i feel it deserves

i care about this situation, i care about this blog, i care about improving myself as a person towards others, i care about improving my abilities as an artist and a writer, i care about all of you who have supported me and enjoy the content i put out - and everyman0 encompasses all of these things in my eyes. whatever it is i have to do to make it awesome for myself and all of you, ill do my best to do exactly that and then some.

thank you to all the people who have supported me, i wouldnt be where i am or who i am without you, and sincerely i say thank you to the individual who was willing and able to work things out between us in a manner that allows us both peace of mind and closure; it really means a lot. now that thats all said, i hope u all have a great day! ~ REN

#evrymn0 #im gonna reblog this a couple times SORRY but its important!!!!

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tonystarkbingo · 5 years

Photo

Week 28 Roundup! We’re closing in on the end, and we have SO MANY FILLS for your Tony Stark pleasure! MORE THAN 60 FILLS THIS WEEK!

Title: Let Sleeping Geniuses Lie Collaborator: celtic7irish Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - Fluff Ship: Tony & Avengers Rating: Gen Major Tags: fluff, Avengers team, soft sleepy Tony Summary: Far too many Avengers are awake at 3:00 in the morning, so they'll just have to keep each other company. Word Count: 2658

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Title: Winter Kitty Collaborator: celtic7irish Link: AO3 Square Filled: S4 - Shapeshifters Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: shapeshifters, protective Avengers Summary: When Bucky finally decides to come in from the cold, running from Hydra, the Avengers are there to defend him. Word Count: 1236

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Title: Dreaming of the Future Collaborator: celtic7irish Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1 - dream sharing Ship: Tony & Bucky Rating: Gen Major Tags: Winter Soldier, 5 + 1, time skips Summary: The Winter Soldier dreams sometimes. Eventually, he realizes that he's not dreaming, so much as sharing someone else's dreams of a seemingly impossible future. Word Count: 3748

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Title: Making the Best of It Collaborator: celtic7irish Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - Image of Tony dressed as Captain America Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: pre-relationship, protective Bucky, snarky Tony, playing with portals, kidnapping Summary: It had been Steve’s idea, because of course it had been. Something about not taking the role of team leader for granted or some such nonsense. Tony hadn’t really been paying much attention at the time. Which is probably why he didn’t remember getting a say in the matter. Or: Everybody Takes a Turn Playing Captain America, Whether They Want To Or Not Word Count: 5811

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Title: A Study in Stupidity Collaborator: celtic7irish Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - explosion in the lab Ship: Bucky & Tony Rating: Gen Major Tags: college campus, lab explosions, humor, canon-typical violence Summary: James strode through the hallways of the university, trying not to draw attention to himself, moving with purpose, as if he belonged here. His primary concern was remaining unnoticed by the Hydra agents he’d spotted standing around one of the buildings. Secondary mission was to figure out why they were here and what they were guarding. What could so important on a college campus that Hydra felt the need to post guards to protect it? Or: The Chem Lab Explosion Nobody Asked For Word Count: 2494

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Title: i am a dream, i am - Chapter 3: iii. Collaborators: deathsweetqueen, justanotherpipedream Link: AO3 Square Filled: for summer, T1 - waking up married Ship: Steve/Natasha/Tony, past Tony/Ty Stone Rating: Explicit Major Tags: dubious content, past domestic violence, alcoholism, anxiety attacks, explicit sexual content, gaslighting, breaking up and making up Summary: I am exposed. I am a print of darkness on a square of film. I am a garbled dream told by a breakfast-table liar. I am a wound which has forgotten how to heal. - Erica Jong Word Count: 6754

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Title: Life Model Decoy Collaborator: celtic7irish Link: AO3 Square Filled: T1 - Recasting - Chromatic Recasting, Genderswap Casting Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Endgame fix-it, fem!Tony (sort of) Summary: Tony wakes up after Thanos is defeated. But not everything is as he remembers it. Luckily, the important things are. Word Count: 2811

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Title: Whispers In Our Ears Collaborator: celtic7irish Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - Mind control or Brainwashing Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: mind control, Asgardians, snippet Summary: Lorelei is in town, and does not appreciate the Avengers getting in her way. Word Count: 1543

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Title: I fall in love (everyday with someone new) - Chapter 29: Free (A3) Collaborator: scriptatur Link: AO3 Square Filled: A3 - free space Ship: Tony & Peter Rating: Gen Major Tags: polyamory, Endgame fix-it Summary: "Waking was- surprising. He woke up slowly, like drifting through mist or sirup or- something. He was kind of confused, if he is being perfectly honest. Confused about his own metaphor, a bit, but mainly confused by the fact that he was, well, waking up. That was not something he’d expected to do, after all." When Tony Stark wakes up after the final battle against Thanos, he decides that there will be nothing more that stands between himself and happiness. He goes home with Pepper and Morgan and it doesn't take long for Steve and Bucky (and other (ex-)avengers) to follow. Basically, this is the fix-it that I needed. It's very self indulgent and mostly fluff. Word Count: 14,945

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Title: i am a dream, i am - Chapter 4: iv. Collaborator: deathsweetqueen, justanotherpipedream Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - Constructed Reality / the Framework Ship: Tony/Steve/Natasha Rating: Mature Major Tags: dubious consent, canon typical violence, past domestic violence, past alcohoism, anxiety attacks, explicit sexual content, gaslighting, breaking up and making up Summary: I don’t really know what ‘I love you’ means, but I think it means ‘don’t leave me here alone’. - Dark Sonnet, Neil Gaiman Word Count: 8086

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Collaborator: nixie-deangel Link: Tumblr Square Filled: R4 - AU: Flower Shop Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: moodboard Summary: “You know,” Tony starts, soft but slightly unsure, eyes flicking between the flowers and Steve’s bright -God, how were they so bright in this florescent lighting?- blue eyes, “I, uh, I.” Shifting from foot to foot, Tony pauses to clear his throat before turning his gaze down towards the flowers. “I’ll take another dozen,” he finishes, lamely and not at all what he wanted to say, but, well. Somethings were just meant to be unattainable, he thought miserably as he watch’es Steve’s face shift from hopeful, to frowning before his lips were twisting into an obviously fake smile. “’course, Tony, no problem.” Watching, wanting, Tony couldn’t help but let out a small, breathy sigh as he watches Steve move about to make him a second bouquet, and thought to himself, Next time I’ll find the courage to ask him for that date.

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Title: Teenage Dream Collaborator: deathofthestars Link: AO3 Square Filled: S4 - Identity Crisis Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: teenage Tony, Howard’s A+ Parenting, wet dream, coming out Summary: Tony dreams of an encounter with a certain blonde which shakes his understanding of himself. Word Count: 520

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Title: Working In The Lab [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: S4 - image of Tony working on the armor Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Tony Stark working on the Iron Man armour down in the lab.

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Title: Free Time [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: S5 - band Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Tony spends some free time rocking out to one of his favourite bands

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Title: Pranked [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - Gamora Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Tony thought it would be funny to steal Gamora's clothes and replace them... Gamora gets the last laugh, locking Tony outside the ship.

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Title: Drinking Alone [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1 - image of Tony drinking Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, alcoholism Summary: After a mission goes wrong, Tony isolates himself from the Avengers and drinks.

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Title: Grief [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: K4 - Presumed Dead Ship: Rhodey & Pepper Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, grief/mourning Summary: Pepper and Rhodey grieving after Tony's 'Death' in Iron Man 1.

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Title: Fond Memories [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: S2 - old team Ship: Tony & Avengers Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, alcoholism Summary: Tony Stark sitting in his office looking at a photo of the original Avenger's Team.

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Title: The Chase [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - Wolfgang von Strucker Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Tony Vs Wolfgang Von Strucker in a secret cave base.

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Title: Arguments [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - Thor Ship: Tony & Thor Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Thor and Tony fighting again about "Science vs Magic"

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Title: Visiting The Realms [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - Asgard Ship: Tony & Thor Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Thor takes Tony on a trip to Asgard.

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Title: Told You So [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - dares/bets Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, getting together Summary: Nat and Clint bet on whether Tony and Steve's relationship being a thing.

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Title: Late Night Talks [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: T1 - shared trauma Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Neither Tony or Steve can sleep the night through... so they stay up and talk.

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Title: Sharing Warmth [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: R2 - Sharing Body Heat Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, blood and injuries Summary: Steve and Tony are left stranded in an ice cave after fighting a villain. Now all that is left is to wait for pick up.

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Title: Dancing [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: T4 - image of Tony and Nat Ship: IronWidow Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, dancing Summary: Tony and Nat share a dance at a charity function.

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Title: Brighter Future [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - Fix-it Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, happy ending Summary: After the defeat of Thanos, Steve and Tony take some time for themselves.

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Title: Secret Rendezvous [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - off the record Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Steve and Tony meet up secretly at a hotel to spend some time together.

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Title: Hidden Treasure [!Art] Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) Link: AO3 Square Filled: T3 - Noir Tony wrestling a snake Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Tony ventures deep with a mysterious cave in search of ancient treasure and wisdom.

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Title: heavy lies the head Collaborator: Areiton Link: AO3 Square Filled: K5 - Lost Their Powers Ship: Tony & Peter Rating: Teen Major Tags: second person POV, Tony Stark Lives, Dad Tony, Tony feels Summary: You didn’t die. Ironman did. Word Count: 1061

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Title: i am a dream, i am - Chapter 5: iv. Collaborator: deathsweetqueen, justanotherpipedream Link: AO3 Square Filled: A3 - free space Ship: Tony/Steve/Natasha Rating: Mature Major Tags: dubious consent, canon typical violence, past domestic violence, past alcohoism, anxiety attacks, explicit sexual content, gaslighting, breaking up and making up Summary: The sight of you and the feel of you is still with me. It’s you, you, that gets me, throws me for a loop, etc., etc., etc. It’s as if I saw you for the first time–last night. Brimming over with love, sex, adoration, compassion, everything, everything. - Henry Miller Word Count: 9691

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Collaborator: nixie-deangel Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A3 - free space Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: edits

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Title: Never Let Me Go - Chapter 1: The Place To Rest My Head Collaborator: Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa) Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - asexuality Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: developing relationship, asexual Tony and Bucky, cuddles, panic attacks Summary: As they continue meeting up at night, Tony and Bucky grow closer. Then they find out that they can actually sleep when they're together, and really, what else is there to do but cuddle as they finally find some peace? Word Count: 2521

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Title: Flashbacks Collaborator: lbibliophile-mcu Link: Tumblr Square Filled: T3 - Sickfic Ship: none Rating: Teen Major Tags: Poem, image edit, PTSD, mentions of torture, mentions of near-death Summary: PTSD flashbacks are never fun, and now his brain has a whole selection of scenes to choose from…

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Title: Iron Family Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: Tumblr Square Filled: R5 - height difference Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: craft Summary: Iron Family Cross Stitch Cuties

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Title: Take me to the magic of the moment - Chapter 2 Collaborator: Menatiera, nomdeplumeria Link: AO3 Squares Filled: For Menatiera, K2 - revenge For feignedsobriquet, S3 - KINK: shibari Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: mild dub-con, explicit sexual content, BDSM, fantasy/magic AU, getting together, happy ending Summary: The magic has a way of letting Bucky know what it wants. They roll with it as best as they can. Warning: despite the soft, DON'T try any of this at home! Seriously. See more in the end notes if you need more proper warning. *** WITH GLORIOUS EMBEDDED ARTWORK BY THE LOVELY SOBRI!!! Word Count: 5490

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Title: LAB-YRINTH Collaborator: lbibliophile-mcu Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A2 - labyrinth Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, game Summary: Help DUM-E find way through the lab to get TON-E a smoothie.

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Title: Thicker Than Water Collaborator: winteriron-trash Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - Secret Siblings, Especially Evil Twins Ship: Tony & Natasha Rating: Teen Major Tags: Evil!Tony and Evil!Natasha, Howard’s A+ Parenting Summary: Natasha didn’t like to advertise that she was a Stark. That didn’t mean she didn’t like being one, though. Word Count: 839

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Title: Hiding In The Grey Area Collaborator: feyrelay Link: Pillowfort Square Filled: A1 - Silver-Haired Tony Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: moodboard Summary: moodboard for an AU in which TWS does not kill Maria Stark and she goes into hiding with Tony instead, later helping to deprogram him

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Title: Here Is My Heart (and i hope that’s okay) Collaborator: winteriron-trash Link: Tumblr Square Filled: K1 - Secret Relationship Ship: WinterIron Rating: Not Rated Major Tags: playlist Summary: A playlist about a secret relationship between two unlikely trainwrecks.

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Title: Tony Stark Bingo 2019 - Drabble Collection - Chapter 1: Just Relax (Bucky/Tony) Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - Survival in the Wild Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Wilderness Survival Summary: Getting lost in the wilderness is a huge pain in Tony’s ass. Bucky sees it a little differently. Word Count: 100

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Title: New Tower Plans Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: A3 - free space Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Avengers Tower, fluff Summary: What Pepper and Tony were saying during that short scene at the end of Avengers1. Word Count: 547

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Title: Tony Stark Bingo 2019 - Drabble Collection - Chapter 2: Double Dog (Gen, Bucky & Tony) Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Square Filled: T4 - GRAPHIC: Malibu Mansion Ship: Tony & Bucky Rating: Gen Major Tags: Malibu mansion, Reference to IM3 Summary: Just because something is impossible doesn’t mean Tony isn’t going to do it... Word Count: 100

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Title: Curse of a superhero Collaborator: lbibliophile-mcu Link: Tumblr Square Filled: K4 - Clint Barton/Hawkeye Ship: none Rating: Not Rated Major Tags: drabble Summary: For the @tonystarkbingo K4: Clint Barton/Hawkeye Word Count: 100

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Title: i am a dream, i am - Chapter 6: vi. Collaborator: deathsweetqueen, justanotherpipedream Link: AO3 Squares Filled: For summerpipedream - A3: free square For deathsweetqueen - : Infinity Gems Ship: Steve/Natasha/Tony, past Tony/Ty Stone Rating: Explicit Major Tags: dubious content, past domestic violence, alcoholism, anxiety attacks, explicit sexual content, gaslighting, breaking up and making up Summary: “I have an endless scream in me, and I don’t know which is screaming, my heart or my intestines.” - Rainer Maria Railke Word Count: 12,517

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Title: Tony Stark Bingo 2019 - Drabble Collection - Chapter 3: I’ll Give You the World (Pepper/Tony, Tony & Morgan) Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - Learning to be Loved Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Love, Filial Love Summary: Tony’s been in a lot of relationships, but he’s never been loved like this before. Word Count: 100

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Title: Rebelmeg Drabbles - Chapter 1: Iron Frog? Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - image of Tony as a frog Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: drabble, magic, animal transformation Summary: Pepper never expected this to happen... Word Count: 100

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Title: Item #23: bake and eat a cake without using your hands Collaborator: Menatiera Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Doing groceries together Ship: Bucky & Avengers Rating: Gen Major Tags: GISHWHES, fluff and crack, banter Summary: GISHWHES Item #23: bake and eat a cake without using your hands. The original task description is way longer, of course, but this is the gist of it. Bucky volunteers as a tribute, and Clint is ready to eat anything. Word Count: 1770

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Title: Tony Stark Bingo 2019 - Drabble Collection - Chapter 4: Upon Reflection (Gen, Bucky & Tony) Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1 - Mirror Image Ship: Tony & Bucky Rating: Gen Major Tags: End-Game fix-it, hospital visit, forgiveness Summary: Bucky and Tony are more similar than ever. Word Count: 100

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Collaborator: judy_the_dreamer Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S5 - Picture: Iron Mouse Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: The invincible Iron Mouse knows how to stay dry! Just don’t tell Captain Americat…

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Title: Time to take a shot Collaborator: camichats Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1 - (image of Natasha and Tony, Natasha with the Iron Man gauntlet on) Ship: IronWidow Rating: Teen Major Tags: IM2, palladium poisoning, flirting, getting together, hopeful ending Summary: When Nat's undercover, she doesn't end up as Tony's assistant, but she still catches his attention. At a party. And Tony's offering to show her the Iron Man armor up close, how could she say no? Word Count: 1410

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Title: Tony Stark Bingo 2019 - Drabble Collection - Chapter 5: Now We Are Three (Gen, Pepper & Rhodey, Tony & Team) Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Square Filled: S4 - De-aging (any) Ship: Pepper & Rhodey, Tony & Avengers Rating: Gen Major Tags: De-aging, dad!Tony Summary: The Avengers have been hit with a de-aging curse -- all except Tony. Word Count: 100

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Title: The History We Have Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: S5 – never meant to hurt you Ship: Bucky & Tony Rating: Teen Major Tags: child abuse and neglect, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, kidnapping, hostage situation, hurt Tony, Winter Soldier related mind control, canon-typical violence, some dark parts, happy ending Summary: Hydra sends an infiltration team to kidnap the child of Howard Stark, in order to ransom the supersolider serum prototype form him. That the boy is not only willing to go with them, but places himself directly in the care of the Winter Soldier, is unexpected. Word Count: 7158

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Title: Pit-Falls Update: Chapter 5 - The Secret Path Collaborator: judy-the-dreamer Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1 - Silver Haired Tony Ship: Stucky Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Anxiety, explicit sexual content, getting shot & being chased in the dark, horror tropes Summary: After James and Steve shared their first kiss, the world is forever changed. (And not in a good way.) Word Count: 15,279

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Title: i wanted you to be better Collaborator: Cvdmus Link: A03 Square Filled: R2 Ship: Tony Stark & Peter Parker Rating: gen Major Tags: non apply Summary: Instead of Tony, Peter's the one to kill Thanos and his army. This is a post-battle fic. Word Count: 3,168

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Title: Noir AU Moodboard - Les Hommes Fatales Collaborator: FeyRelay Link: PillowFort Square filled: T2 - Science Bros Ship : (erstwhile) Science Bros, (endgame) Starker, 18+ no underage Rating: PG Warnings: None Summary: moodboard for an AU in which Tony (the homme fatale) needs P.I. Bruce's help to investigate a personal matter

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Title: Clue AU Moodboard Collaborator: FeyRelay Link Pillowfort Square filled: S3 - Presumed Dead Ship: Starker (18+ AU, no underage) Rating: PG Warnings: Character Death Implied Summary: moodboard for a Clue/Cluedo AU in which Peter is the deceased and Tony is trying to solve his murder Link:

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Title: Into the SpiderTube alas a white lie leads to happiness Collaborator: alexisriversong Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - Online Interactions Ship: Peter Parker/Tony Stark Rating: Mature Major Tags: Daddy!kink, age gap (no underage) not canon compliant after age of Ultron or before even, not really clear. Summary: The AU in which Peter is a spideryoutuber and Tony falls in love with him while watching his videos Word Count: 1622

#tonystarkbingo2019 #tonystarkbingo #weekly roundup #week 28 #week 28 roundup

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rk800isalive · 5 years

Text

hey, if you follow me please read my rules. I don’t have them for shits and giggles. They are there for a reason! But you know if you can’t find them for any damn reason even though I’ve posted them like so many damn places I’ll post them under read more.

Hey there dear! Here is all you need to know about this rper/ask blog!

updated: Aug 7,2019

About the blog:

-I’ve wrote this a few times now on the blog but I am Semi-Selective and Mutuals only. I have a lot of anxiety or rping with to many people. I do open up to more people in time. Again, I rp for fun and as a stress release I don’t want to start making rping stressful.

-If I’m following you and you follow back. How do you know it’s me?? I send geckos and danger noodles. I’m very shy when first interacting so I send geckos on anon. It’s a way for me to 1) judge your muse and how they handle things. 2) It makes me feel better as a starter to say hello.

-This blog is a nsfw/sfw blog.

-I don’t rp with minors. I’m literally over 21+ I don’t feel personally comfortable with minors interacting or rping with me. Nothing against ya, I’m just not comfy with it. Other reasons are because I rp a lot of adult/dark themes and I don’t feel comfy with minors being around that.

-I’ll pretty much rp anything except anything NSFW with minors or anything NSFW with minor muses.

-I will unfollow if I feel like pretty wiggy about your blog. By this I mean, let’s say you post a canon call. Then you make a post complaining about people liking said canon call. I mean this like you do this a lot. I’m old and I don’t care and it comes off as wiggy to me.

-I do not accept or acknowledge hate to anyone of any kind on my blog, thank you. If I see it on my blog I’m going to delete it. This means I do not condone sending or receiving hate of any kind to others or myself.

-I also will add a side note to this because I can’t believe I have to do this. If I don’t accept of acknowledge hate that also means I will not send hate. I have not and will never do such actions.

-Muse =/= Mun. This means the Mun and Muse do not always share the same feeling or would act the same way. We are two different people.

-I do not rp with blogs that do not have at least an about and/or a rules page. I feel much more comfortable seeing those. I don’t care if your blog is fancy or if you have icons. Just these two things at least is important to me.

-I write to have fun! Rping is a hobby of mine and really helps destress me. Enjoy what you do and have fun with it! Don’t worry about replying right away, I’m chill with waiting.

-I don’t own any of the icons or art you see me use unless I have stated otherwise.

-Highly Selective to OC’s. I explain why further down in my rules.

Dos and Don’ts rules:

-Don’t take control of my character please.

-Please no GodMods.

-Do not guilt trip me into responding to you. I will block you.

-Also please be aware if you reblog rp with thislovelylady/ alannasroleplaymemes, or really any of this person’s blogs I will unfollow and block you. This is non-negotiable.

-Do not follow me if you follow any blogs connected to sinsofexcalibur/ giseinohana or really any of their blogs. If you do follow or interact with said person I will unfollow and block you. Nothing against you, I really don’t want to get into why this person makes me uncomfortable just understand this is one of my rules. This too is non-negotiable

-Don’t guilt me for calling you senpai. I say it in an I think you’re cool and want to be friends. Again I’m old. I literally remember when yaoi paddles were a thing. Not that I ever had one, but man oh man, do I remember them.

-Don’t come at me with hating on ships. You can like or dislike what you want. I just don’t want to hear it.

-If I don’t answer your threads or starters either tumblr ate it or I haven’t had time to get to it.

-Feel free to remind me to reply. Life happens and I’m also just ADHD so my attention span is crap at times. Just don’t spam me about it.

-I do not start drama, I do not like getting into drama, and as such I ask you not to tag me in drama. I like living my life as drama free as possible.

-If you are a personal blog and you reblog my threads you are not apart of I will block you. It’s rude don’t do it.

-Do not reblog ooc posts outside of posts that can say you can reblog. Or are posts like followers forever. Just…. literally think about it. If it looks like you are unsure you can message me. Just use common sense.

-Do not ask me why I have not followed you yet. Like that’s some guilt trip bull. If I haven’t followed you yet, I either a) didn’t see the notification. b) Saw you followed checked out your blog and you don’t have a muse, or rule page and didn’t follow c) felt wiggy about your blog d) I just didn’t notice you followed and haven’t seen your blog yet.

-Just because I’m not following you doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me. I’m chill if you send anons.

-I always cut my posts. Please cut yours. It’s not too hard to do there are like a million tutorials showing how to do so. If you don’t trim your posts I’m most likely going to unfollow you. There really isn’t any excuse as to why you can’t trim your posts. On mobile there is a giant X you can press. This is true on desktop as well.

-Do not reblog my threads unless you are apart of them. If you do I will block you.

-I’m not an rp meme blog, if you are not a mutual please don’t reblog the memes. Reblog it from the sources.

Triggers:

-The only triggers I have is Sharks (Realistic Images or video of them) and IV Needles. I just ask that you please tag them. It’s cool if you forget it happens. Mostly it’s the needle bit that is the worst trigger. I have other trigger they are just very rare and very hard to hit. I’ll let ya know if you ever hit them.

-If you need something tagged just let me know.

-I will tag things if you need it tagged. I’m also an idiot and forget sometimes. Just slap me with a friendly reminder message and I’ll tag it for ya. When I tag things I always forget to tag things with ‘tw’ at the end. Example rather then writing ‘gore tw’ I write ‘gore’. Again, I do this mostly because I forget to put ‘tw’ at the end.

Shipping / writing:

-I’ll just slide this in here too. I ship chemistry, if I feel the two muses are getting along and you wanna ship them I’m down. I don’t ship with minors. If you wanna have a family bond connection with my muse, smack dat message button and hit me up. I’m down for chatting about it and plotting it out!

-I ship Connor/Hank personally but this doesn’t mean every Hank my muse meets will want to jump their bones. Again I can’t stress enough how I ship chemistry. I won’t ship with anyone right off the bat unless you talk to me ahead of time and want to plot something out.

-If your Hank only sees Connor as a son, I’m totally cool with that too. Again I do not ship anything unless you’ve messaged me before hand. I just like chemistry between muses first.

-I will ship hate pairings, crack pairings, and just because pairings.

-If you want to ship with my Connor, hit me up. Again this is normally after we’ve been rping for a while. I’m for the most part chill about shipping.

-I have my own NTP I’m chill with talking about them. I’m also over all a very chill but weenie of new peeps person. Again I’ve been around a while.

-If you have a ship you wanna try out with my Connor slap that message button and I’m more than happy to chat it out. We can come up with an idea. But again I prefer chemistry first over shipping.

-I love to plot things out. If you have an AU you would like to try out I’m totally open for it.

-If you see mistakes in my grammar and spelling I am sorry. I tend to type fast and sometimes aren’t able to catch all my mistakes. Please bare with me on that and I’ll most likely edit my posts. Or more commonly I’ll respond with like little to no sleep in me and don’t realize I messed up spelling or used the wrong words or grammar till like the next day or when I post my reply and reread it. Again I have insomnia… most days I’m up till like 3-4 am. Not even lying there. Some days I sleep for like… 14 hours. There is little to no in between.

-I can and will rp dark themes. I love rping angst or pretty much anything. That being said, just be aware of my fear of needles. I will rp sharks just because I can’t physically see them. Writing about that doesn’t bother me just anything to do with blood work just … yeah.

-I write rather large posts when I role play. Don’t feel intimidated because you don’t have to match my post size. It’s just my thing I do. I only ask that if I reply with let’s say a paragraph I wish for at least a paragraph back. This doesn’t apply if it’s a crack thread. Those are just up in the air and fun.

-If your muse is an OC, from a different fandom, or if he never met you in the game and your beginning message/thread/starter is acting like he knows you right from the get go and he doesn’t I might not answer the ask or thread. Just because sometimes it makes me uncomfortable unless it just fits or you have messaged me ahead of time.

-I also love the idea of my Connor viewing any of the Rk series as family. If you don’t see it that way hit me up and I’m chill with it.

-If the post is long or nsfw based I put them under read more.

Just things I didn’t really know where else to put:

-I am SUPER shy online. In person I’m a loudmouth who isn’t afraid of anything. So it takes me a good long time to message people to rp.

-I am one whole weenie. If you get geckos/ danger noodles (snakes) in your anon box. -dabs- dat be me. Trying to get over being a weenie one gecko at a time. I don’t what it is I’m just very very shy online.

-I call new peeps who follow me senpais till I feel comfortable to be not nervous.

-If I follow you 99.9% I probably want to rp with you. I’m also a weenie so I’m probably intimidated to message you if you wanna thread or rp. I has the anxiety…

-I’ve been rping for 9+ years off tumblr, +6 on tumblr, and about +4 years on discord.

-I tend to update my blog a lot because I want my blog to be the best that it can be in my eyes. Your blog doesn’t have to be this detailed or fancy looking I just hold my blog to a stupid standard in my head.

-Mun is 21+ and pretty much only feels comfortable rping with 18+ muns.

-I have Major Depression, ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety, and DID. I do have a blog for my system they probably won’t interact on this blog. Please be aware of this as there are days I just… struggle.

-I am always tired, if I’m not tired I’m hyper as fuck.

-I read the rules and about everyone’s blog I ever follow. I feel more comfortable and more likely to rp with you when I see the rules and about pages. I will read about the mun pages too. This allows me to get a peak into not only your muse but who you are.

-OCs I’m so sorry I’m a bit picky at times. If I can’t picture my muse interacting with them I sort of just… Don’t bother. It’s nothing against your oc. I promise you that. I am just a little picky after being burned a few times.

-I do not have a password system mostly because I would forget my own password. But if you are reading all this and got all the way here, thanks!!

-I’m just here to have fun. I want to rp as a way to help my own stress of life. If you like my Connor, great! Thank you for liking him! If you don’t, cool, you don’t have to. I like all sorts of ships. I don’t really care about gender mostly because I myself am pan but I just don’t care. If two characters mingle well and feelings start to arise I’m more likely to ship it. You don’t have to like the ship. It’s cool.

-I am 28. I’ve been rping for a stupid ass long time. I’ve seen shit in fandoms come and go. I don’t care about drama, I don’t want your drama, I’m just here to have some fun. Cool. That’s gonna come off as mean… Sorry.

-I have the right to follow and unfollow who I wish. I also have the right to rp with whom I wish and whom I don’t wish. ( Though if I am already following you, I’m 100% willing to rp with you.)

-It takes me a while to respond to things. Again I want to make this clear, I have a lot of mental illnesses that just make me struggle most of the time. I deal with heavy insomnia. Sometimes I’m lightning fast with threads other times it takes me a bit. Or tumblr just decided to fucking yeet my god damn drafts again. In which case hit me up on dms like if I haven’t gotten to the thread after like two weeks. Most likely tumblr fucking ate it.

If you finished reading and you would like to know more about the Mun and the muse here you are!

The mun just click here. My muse click here.

#ooc #The emerald speaks #I’m getting real tired of having mild anxiety/ptsd attack cause people don’t read them #gonna start hard core fucking blocking next #i don't like being like this and it's pissing me off

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lia-nikiforov · 6 years

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Spring 2018 Anime Watchlist

THERE IS TOO MUCH ANIME THIS SEASON I HAD TO BINGE 37 EPISODES IN THREE DAYS TO CATCH UP

Dropped

Mahou Shoujo Site: Although I originally intended to irony watch this one, expecting something like MahoIku or King’s Game, its sadistic reveling in the main character’s suffering was impossible to stomach. I felt physically ill at the end of it. I’m not, in principle, opposed to gory stuff, y’all know I sat through the whole stupidity that was King’s Game, but MahoSite doesn’t even reach the level of ridiculous over the topness to make it funny, it’s just a cascade of misery porn with not a single moment of levity or triumph for the heroine. I think I was done the moment that gratuitous “if you punch my stomach my period won’t come” line, because apparently some dudes get off on the idea of a woman being so brutalized she stops menstruating??????

Kakuriyo Yadomeshi: I was willing to give this one the three-episode trial after the first episode in spite of the godawful main love interest and the fact that the grandfather sold the MC into literal slavery wtf, because the main girl seems proactive and independent buuuuuuut fuck I hated episode 2. Not only does she seem to quickly forgive her grandfather for SELLING HER OFF, the men around her keep speaking over her and making decisions for her and she turns out to be just independent enough to not be a complete doormat, but not enough to appear defiant and I hate it. Thanks but no thanks, I ain’t here to see a romantization of being literally sold into an arranged marriage.

YOU THINK?!

Cutie Honey Universe: Before this, I’d had zero interaction with any other iteration of Cutie Honey, so I wasn’t sure of what to expect beyond knowing this was from the creator of Devilman. Certainly blatant homophobic jokes and jokes about physical abuse wasn’t in my list of thigs I expected to see, yet here we are. I ain’t here for “hyuk hyuk look at these fat/butch/ugly lesbians, aren’t they ridiculous” jokes either.

Butlers x Battlers: I completely forgot I watched this one. I don’t remember anything about it except being confused

GeGeGe no Kitaro: This one didn’t do anything wrong, but I was never gonna watch it. I just checked out episode 1 because I heard it made a dig at Logan Paul. I wish they’d gone all the way through and killed that character, but I guess you can’t have it all. It was actually a pretty decent episode, and in a weaker season I’d probably keep watching it, but there’s just too much stuff coming out. And I have watched previous Kitaro anime and it’s sometimes too meanspirited for me.

Uma Musume: I didn’t expect much from this show and was pleasantly surprised by the double-length first episode. Special Week was a nice, fun protagonist to root for and although the world-building was weird as heck, it was fun and positive. So I’m not exactly sure of what happened with episode 2/3 that it left me feeling completely dry. The pacing was super rushed, the characters all felt horribly flat, and the races weren’t super exciting because rather than any strategy or strong emotional realization, Special Week just has to start running even faster and faster in the final leg. It was also kind of implied she had gained weight? But then never brought up? And it’s not made very clear why she lost in the end? Was she supposed to learn humility and not getting too complacent? Seems too early for her to learn that when she’s supposed to be an underdog. I don’t know, it didn’t really work for me and I don’t feel like I care to watch more of it.

Because this post is long af and has a lot of gifs some folks were having trouble loading it on mobile, so you’ll have to read under the cut to know which are the shows I’m actually watching oops

Chopping Block:

There is too much anime and I’m near the end of the semester so I’m gonna have to cut at least one -preferably two- of these shows

Sword Art Online Alternative: This was another one I intended to hatewatch? But rather than offensive or idiotic it’s so far been pretty boring. Episode one was a slog. The first half of episode two was a horrendous spectacle of hating your own body. The only think I liked was the friendship between LLENN and Pito (btw Pito meand ‘dick’ in Spanish and every time she says “call me Pito” I die). Then episode 3 was more boring exposition. FPS games are the least interesting I could think of, and I’ve never been into Let’s Play, so this show is hitting all the right notes to make me bored out of my mind. I also don’t appreciate the big dude not telling Llenn the plan and just kind of being condescending to her. If next episode is just 20 more minutes of the dude explaining things to Llenn, I’m out. (Also, Pito is 100% Elsa Kanzaki)

Legend of the Galactic Heroes: Not feeling this reboot at all. It’s all very dry and just dudes expositioning strategy at each other. Also there are 30 characters in the Ending and only 2 of them are women???? I’ll give it one more episode, but tbh I’ve had problems even paying attention to 2 and 3, it just doesn’t grab me.

Libra of Nil Admirari: Although I like the heroine and she might be one of the strongest reverse harem heroines I’ve seen, the plot itself is very... eh. The guys are also very uninteresting so far. There’s also the fact that Tsumugi claims to have no interest in men or love, but this being a reverse harem with a bevy of men starved for her attention makes me worry this’ll end with her being “fixed” by an actual nice guy who is worthy of her or something. But the OP is very cute!

Hatewatch

Darling in the Franxx: Boy oh boy, the otaku have been creaming their pants and tearing their clothes off for the last three weeks, but “Don’t call it Fucking, It’s Making Love” in the Franxx’s greatest achievement in my eyes is going for idiotically offensive to just bland and clichéd. A recent AMA on reddit with the producer seems to imply that none of the themes of sex, gender and heterosexism that have been at the core of the show were even properly thought out, nor were their implications even remotely considered. I don’t know if the show’s heterosexism would be worse if it was active propaganda rather than what it seems to be: a bunch of ideas the producers thought would be “cool” and “titillating” with no particular meaning to them. Also we’re 15 episodes in and all we’ve achieved is Palurdo has finally tamed his beast waifu who is Not Like Other Girls. Oh, and I guess the monsters actually had humans in there, what a shocker, never seen that before, never expected such a clever twizzzzzzzz....

Mid Priority

Tokyo Ghoul: Re : I thought I was done with Tokyo Ghoul after trying to read the manga and being bored shitless by all the unnecessary exposition, but this one, while not quite excellent, managed to pique my interest. The conceit of Kaneki losing his memories and joining the Doves and helping in exterminating ghouls I’m super not interested in, but his encounter with Nishio has made me curious enough about what has happened with the rest of the characters to keep watching for now.

Rokuhodou Biyori: The iyashikei show of the season I guess. The guys’ personalities are a little bland, so I might bump it down to the chopping block, but it’s only been two episodes, so I want to give it a fair chance

Persona 5: My history with Persona has never been good. Episode 1 of P4 made me sleep, and I watched the first P3 movie THREE TIMES and never managed to parse wtf it was about. This show shares some of the same problems in making me struggle to pay attention, but at least so far the plot seems interesting, the visuals are creative and striking, and I really like the main character’s design. I’m also more inclined to keep watching because Sayokan directed the OP for the videogame.

Hisone to Masotan: There’s a cynical part of me that watches this show and feels like I’m watching a commercial for the JSDF. Yvan eht nioJ, come join us, we have cool dragons!!! I also don’t love the fact that the dragon turns into a plane :/ BUT the characters have a lot of heart, the dynamics so far between Hisone and Masotan and Hisone and Kanzaki have been very touching. A part of me though, wishes Hisone had stuck with Otofu because it’s such a cute name and she sounded really funny yelling “OTOFU!!!”

Safe Sequels

Although some of these sequels would go in higher categories, I was unsure about how to rank them -especially the 2-cour ones- compared to some of my top premieres of the season, so I’m just putting them all together because there are A LOT of sequels.

Yowapeda Glory Line: FINALLY SOMETHING POSITIVE HAPPENED FOR SOHOKU. I was starting to feel exhausted with all the gloominess, especially for seeing Teshima punished, HE DESERVES EVERY GOOD THING. Now we can get back on track and hopefully have a fun race without Teshima brooding all the way through the episode. ALSO THANK YOU FOR THE EXCELLENT TESHIAO CONTENT

Nanatsu no Taizai: FINALLY ESCANOR SHOWED UP. It’s felt like the first half of the show dragged a lot compared to the manga, so I’m happy we’ve reached one of the coolest parts. Though if memory serves, the rest of the season will be spent floundering around, but damn, the Escanor vs Galand battle is very satisfying to watch.

Lupin III Part V: So this time around they’ve added the social media factor into Lupin’s adventures, and so far the result has been quite interesting. I don’t have a lot to say, the artstyle looks closer to classic versions of the franchise and has lost some of the edge from part IV, but the comedy and Lupin’s plans are still creative and fun to watch, even adding a unique spin to the social media component, so I’m excited to see where they take this. But we need more Fujiko yesterday pls

Binan Koukou Chikyuu Boueibu Happy Kiss: A soft reboot of this magical girl parody franchise, with frillier costumes and even more ridiculous attacks and transformations, and I’m here for it. I do wish we’d get at least some cameos from the original gang. I also feel that so far, apart from the Red guy (Kyotaro?) the others don’t seem to have much of a distinctive personality. It’s only episode three, so hopefully that’s something we’ll see developed as the show goes on.

Hozuki no Reitetsu: It’s the same as it’s always been, a brilliantly dry workplace comedy. If you haven’t watched the previous seasons, you’re missing out on one of the best comedies of this decade.

Boku no Hero Academia 3: After the recap first episode, the series has gone back full gear ahead into the next story arc and so far it looks pretty cool. Although I’m never a fan of “regular MC activity gets interrupted by villains”. Idk why it bothers me a lot -a prime example being the S Class exam getting cut short in Fairy Tail and the concept of S Class mages completely ditched thereon after. But anyway, I have faith in the writing that they’ll make this villain interruption cool and worth it. I do however wish they’d let us meet the Class B guys better.

Steins;Gate 0: You know, I was 100% ready to be disappointed and abandon this one right away, but damn, damn have these first two episodes been brilliant. The nuances in Okabe’s characterization, the portrayal of his grief, and his more mature attitude seem like a mirror of the watcher who has grown all the same in the seven years since the show’s original season. I’m hoping the teases about Maho as a potential love interest are a red herring, but other than that, I’m blown away by how good it has been so far. Just delete Daru please.

Card Captor Sakura: Clear Card: Things have started happening! We’re starting to see that Akiho’s mysterious book is somehow having an effect over the events of Sakura’s life. The episode with the animals was particularly strong, with a new card that had a nice renovated design, and a really emotionally effective scene of Sakura and Syaoran embracing to help Sakura regain confidence to save her friends. It’s one of the strongest episodes of the series so far, so hopefully we’ll have more of those and less of the “finding a card that only minimally makes 10 cm from a bookshelf disappear” type. As a sidenote, I find Akiho’s obsession with Sakura’s play a bit offputting.

High Priority

Mahou Shojo Ore: Given how little I knew about this series going in and how excited I was about it in spite of it, I’m pleased to report the show has lived up to my expectations in one way or another. The weird comedy is on point and also everyone is fucking gay. I’m rooting for you Blue Girl! Easily the superior show with Mahou Shoujo in its title.

Hinamatsuri: You know, I didn’t have super high expectations for this one, but it’s turned out to be a very nice surprise. It has that charming paternal relationship between Nitta and Hina that is cute and hilarious. I have to say I’m not super into the classmate-forced-to-become-a-bartender storyline and I’m not sure how that even fits with the rest of the show, so I hope there won’t be a lot of vignettes about it.

Piano no Mori: Wonky CGI and occassionally questionable character design choices (Ajino was so BEAUTIFUL in his youth, why does he look so ridiculous in the present?!!!) aside, this has been one of the strongest premieres of the season. I know fans of the manga have criticized it, but as someone unfamiliar with the original, I’m definitely intrigued by this story.

BESTEST

Megalobox: This one wasn’t on my radar at all. It’s one of those numerous cases of me seeing a title that sounds stupid and deciding to ignore the show based on that alone. I’m glad I stumbled on all the praise the premiere episode received because damn is it good. The story behind the cameras is that this is a 50th anniversary project for Ashita no Joe, and it was meant to be a reboot, but the director couldn’t find a way to make it work, so he created something entirely new, and aren’t we glad about that. It has a unique retro look and although the plot beats do call back to Ashita no Joe, our Joe feels like his own person alright. I think my only nitpick is that I’m not entirely sure of what is even the point of the additional gear. Also, I know how Ashita no Joe ends and I hope this show won’t end like that too :’D

Golden Kamuy: How long has it been since the last time a multi-awarded manga not only wasn’t disappointing but ended up being one of the most promising anime adaptations of the season? Yes, everyone’s seen the ugly CGI bear, moving on, this is a captivating and unique historical show with a so far excellent portrayal of Ainu culture and a kickass lady coprotagonist. I am really excited to see where this one will go. Also, it was really exciting to hear characters actually speaking ainu language. I’ve done some research on Ainu history (and kickass Ainu women) for school, so I’m very pumped about this one.

Otaku ni Koi wa Muzukashii: By far my favorite premiere of the season. So far, two episodes in, it’s all I ever hoped it would be and more. The characters are charming, Narumi and Hirotaka’s relationship feels natural and effortless -both the romantic aspect of it, and the way they easily become comfortable with one another-. Narumi is delightful and very well-rounded, being as cheerful and optimistic as she can be cynical, and her quick-developing friendship with Hanako is so violently relatable I was screaming. I really love this show. ALSO THE OP IS SUPER CUTE

I FINALLY FINISHED WRITING THIS IT TOOK FOREVER BECAUSE THERE IS TOO MUCH ANIME

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