sellingpussyainteasy - Tumblr blog

[sellingpussyainteasy]

I swear to fucking Yoba if it isn't one thing, there's another. It's going to take $800 to get my car fixed. It's been making a horrible noise since I moved to this area and it's been getting worse by the weeks. About 2 weeks ago, it made this horrible sound. It was bad. I took it up to this car shop and they told me they don't recommend me driving it. He didn't even want me driving it off their fucking property. He told me that the spring to the car could give out at any moment and puncture my tire while I'm driving. I started screaming in my fucking car and laughing, because bro....wtf my guy. $800. And then I felt my car not being able to turn while I was driving. I was just like bro omfg.

I went straight to fucking work after that bro, no bullshit. All the problems I had became irrelevant. My car is what makes me independent fr. Without that car, it hinders me from doing a lot of shit on my own, and I don't want to have to depend on nobody for shit.

I worked for 7 hours and 40 minutes today. I don't think I've done that over here before. 2 hours was spent camming silently while my sister was here. I made $180 in total. Not bad, but could've been better low key. I need to make $800 for this pay period. Yes, THIS pay period. I wanna get my car fixed as soon as possible, so I'm gonna shake this ass for as long as I need to. Ima be honest with you, I'd rather cut off my fucking dreads than to wait another fucking week without using my car, and I'm being deadass. I'm at $269 rn. I wish I would've worked more on the last two days, but hell, I ain't know my car was in such bad fuckin condition...okay I did, but not to the point where my fucking tire could fucking explode type shit. OMFG. $800 before Saturday.

I HATE owning a fuckin car. It's too damn expensive. I've spent more money fixing this shit than I did buying it. My parents have been helping me to get it fixed, but I'm tired of relying on them. I want to fix my own shit this time with my own money.

Idk if this is tmi but I'm gonna masturbate to help me fall asleep faster. I need to wake up early since my sister works early. I wanna make sure I'm working as much as I can.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

My life isn't going exactly the way I want it to, but that doesn't mean that I'm like depressed or anything 24/7. Sometimes I let this shit get to me, but I try to not allow it to get that bad.

I just found two new songs to download on my phone. One is Grippy with J Cole and Cash Cobain. People online say that they don't like it, but this is one of those songs where you just gotta turn yo mind off and listen to the song as a whole instead of the lyrics lol. The second song is Don Toliver - Attitude. Omg. I love me some Don Toliver. Everything this man touches turns into gold, and this song is just so fucking good. The fucking beat in the background is absolutely perfect. Especially with Charlie Wilson in this shit omfg. His part is so beautiful omg. I wish he had more parts in this song because his voice is perfect.

I also have been taking more pics of myself and I'm starting to really see just how beautiful I am. It's weird lol.

There's so many pieces of advice that I forget that are important. Like as in life advice. One of the things I wanted to implement into my life is that everybody has a choice to do things. Everybody makes decisions, regardless of if it's a conscious one or not. This can be applied with almost every situation. Just like what I'm going through right now. My sister is actively making a decision to act difficult. She's choosing to completely act like nothing happened. That's literally how my mom acts and I didn't think she was going to act like that. I would've rather stayed with my fucking ex if that was the case.

Just like with others, I also have the ability to make choices and decisions for my life. It's simple really. If I don't like where I'm at right now, I'm going to have to make another choice. Just like my weight. I don't like my size. Every day, I'm going to have to make a conscious decision to choose to eat better if I want to change my size.

I can't focus on other people's choices. All I can do is create the reality I want for myself with the cards I was dealt, with the choices I've made, and with the choices I continue to make. Everyday, I should be thinking about ways I can get closer to the reality I actually want to live in. It's just really hard to think about that, to apply these pieces of advice, and to truly walk in a spiritual path when you're being constantly distracted by all kinds of shit.

Oh, and I decided to go to work yesterday. I only made $20 but it's like I was only able to work for an hour because my sister got off work early. I have an appointment today to get my car looked at. I should be sleep rn...Ima just go to sleep.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

My sister and I just can't seem to see eye to eye anymore. She wanted to "move past the situation" yesterday night by acting like it never happened. I hate that. Always have. I felt uncomfortable with that and texted her about it. And now she doesn't want to talk to me again. One of the reasons as to why I didn't want to live with her is because of how she acts. She acts like child sometimes. I want to leave so bad but I have no where to go.

I feel so numb. It seems like I'm just pushing everybody away..

Yesterday was one of those contest days, so I didn't make my minimum, but I still stayed online and made sure I was showing up for myself. One of the things I TRULY hate is when people think they can get some free shit out of me. I had a guy saying I wasn't "having fun" because I wasn't showing my pussy in the free chat like the other girls on the site. Like bro, why are you telling me this? Just go watch the girls that're doing it tf?

After that situation with my sister, I texted my ex to vent and he just low key seemed like he didn't wanna talk to me. This guy used to talk to me all the time. I used to call him at any time when we were together. He's a security guard and it's a laid back job for him. I asked him if I could call him. He didn't respond, so I called. No answer. Then he decided to call me back like right after. He said he was sleepy, but that he wasn't sleep. He's been cold and distant since we broken up. And this kinda was my last straw. So I blocked him. He doesn't care about me anymore, and it's not like he could do anything to actually help me anyway.

Trying to get people on the same page as me is pointless. I really don't ask for much out of people, but if we're not seeing eye to eye, I'd like to talk about that. That's it. Nothing else. I've helped my sister with so much shit. She gets mad at me over the dumbest shit. You know she got mad at me one time because we couldn't find her. She left her car at a park with her keys and personal shit still in there. I got scared because she was on a date with a guy and thought of the worst. I blew up her phone, messaged him on facebook, everything. Then she calls me and completely blows up in my face because "I was treating her like a kid." I don't bring that shit up. She is literally mad at me because I said that I wanted to get my medication filled somewhere else. After everything I've done for her. I don't even get the same grace that she gives to her dates, and they treat her like fucking garbage.

And I don't like talking in a way where I talk about what I've done for people, but I feel like it's necessary here because she gets mad at me over the dumbest shit.

I want to run away but I don't know how I'ma do that. Seems like all I can do is endure it all until I find a solution. My sister gets off early today, so it's no point in me working. I'm debating on if I'ma actually work today though. Idk.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

This week has been...hell. Hell is the word for it all. It's been hell. I keep getting into arguments with my sister, and this time, she won't even talk to me. Usually the arguments are over things she's done and she doesn't like to take accountability for anything. This time, I got uncomfortable with something she did and she took offense to it, but then she lied to my little sister and said I was mad. I wasn't mad. She was. And because of that lie, my little sister acted out of character and completely ignored me. And now, I'm really mad.

My sisters are all that I have. I don't have any friends and my exes have their own shit to deal with. It was stupid of me to think that I could get close to my sisters. It was stupid to confide into them. I should've just kept silent. But from now on, that's what I'm thinking of doing.

I've been contemplating suicide, breaking shit, and trying not to break anything for the past two days, because I legit have to stay here with her until the lease is up. So I'm stuck. Yesterday, I threw my mug onto the carpet and it broke into pieces. I had no idea that it was going to break like that. I wanted to call the suicide hotline, but my ex picked up his phone before I called the number for it. I feel so lost. I feel lost with my identity, with my purpose, with everything.

Ever since my childhood boyfriend gave his girlfriend my porn identity for her to show off to people, I've lost my sense of self. I didn't want for my personal life to be associated with this line of work. I feel like I'm more of my porn persona than I am my actual self. And even though, for me, those two people are entirely the same person, that porn persona has such negative perceptions on her...

Idk how to really explain it fr...Lemme use an example. If I was a contractor, I wouldn't want to be associated with that title fully, because I know that I do more than just build houses. I am my own person, and I wouldn't want for people to look at me as "the guy who builds houses." I would want for people to see me as, well, me. Building houses is my job, but I don't want to be associated with my job outside of my job, and I would hate for people to have a certain way of thinking of me based on my work. Building houses is important, but it would hurt for someone to want to be close to me or have any affiliation with me for the sole purpose of thinking that I could build their house or help them with something that they know I could fix. Because that is, quite simply, taking advantage of me. It's the same with sex work. Every job, profession, and career has both positive and negative perceptions about it. But I haven't seen as many negative perceptions on a job as I have with sex work. The things that people say makes me believe that everybody feels that way. And even when people say that they support sex workers, they really don't and I've seen that shit and experienced it first hand...

Basically what I'm tryna say is that, after I'm done working, I still think about work, because people talk about it on socials. I try not to look at it, but it pops up because it's trendy to have a think piece on this type of shit. I sometimes feel guilty for workin a job like this because of what people say, but I try not to, because there's people who literally do not qualify for their positions that are managing people who actually do qualify for it. There's plenty of injustices in the workforce but people don't talk about that shit fr because everybody seems to be focused on bitches getting easy money. Like what's wrong with that?

Sometimes people call me names when I cam and on my content. Sometimes, it affects me. I'm not bothering anyone. I'm just simply trying to provide a service to those who want it. It's no different than being a youtuber. And I know that people will find just about anything to complain about, but to constantly remind myself of that is hard...

This job makes me dependent on my sister. No communication means no knowledge of how my schedule will be. In fact, I feel like this job makes me more dependent than independent. I can't work on my period so that's money I can't have, can't work while my sister is around, can't be too loud. Although I love camming, I need to look for something else on the side. But it would have to be online or something. My car needs to looked at because something is going on with it. I don't feel comfortable driving it anymore. It's been doing this for months and it's been getting worse. So if I had an interview, I wouldn't be able to go to it.

Even then, even if I was to work a vanilla job, I've just never been able to get along with people like that. They always take advantage of me and I hate that, so I always end up leaving. I like camming because I have more control...

Idk. I just feel so lost and broken. Venting about what I'm going through helps a bit, but only for a moment. Living in what I'm going through just makes me want to forget about it all. Sometimes I think about living in the mountains on some hermit shit, away from people. I'd still be able to cam and drive to get food. I'll see people and still interact with them, but I won't be part of human civilization. I wonder if this is possible. I had a client who spoke of a woman who actually did this. I think of that lifestyle at times...

Update: Outside of sex work and getting into more personal shit, I'm the one in the family that everybody goes to. I know how to build things. I've built shelves, tables, chairs, all types of shit. I'm tech savvy. I've made websites, fake diplomas, tattoo designs, shit like that. I know how to do hair, currently learning how to do nails, I'm the one people go to when they need advice. I'm also the one that people go to when they need help typing some shit up or writing professional letters. I've done it all. I said that to say that I don't bother nobody, but yet everybody seems to always need me for somethin.

My little sister just ignored me yesterday and although I apologized for ignoring her back, I just really don't want to have shit to do with her or my sister, at least for right now. Now, my little sister is in the group chat saying can "somebody" help take down her hair because her new job is on Tuesday. It's only me, her, and our older sister in the chat. My older sister is at work rn. She's saying somebody like she not talking to me. So i'ma just let that shit sit there.

That shit is fake as fuck. You fucking ignore me for our older sister, I'm telling you she lied to you about me being mad and you don't give a fuck, so why should I give a fuck about you needing help. Get HER to fuckin help you. tf??

I help everybody else out with shit. My sister even admitted that she wouldn't have moved out had I not told her that we could live together. My little sister gets her hair done by me sometimes. Not as much as before, but still. I never asked them for shit besides a shoulder to lean on, and I can't even get that. So yeah. Guess I'm gonna live a hermit life after this. Because I feel like I can't confide into nobody.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

I had to really push myself this week to simply turn on my camera. I didn't make it to my goal, but it was close enough to where I was proud. The week before my period, I always get really lazy, but I pushed myself this time. I'm proud of myself for that, but I am low key thinking about looking for other jobs to do on the side. Sometimes, I don't want to cam, because there's a chance that I won't make the amount I want. Working hourly is better than getting paid by commission imo. It's less stressful.

I'm currently on my cycle, so I won't be camming this week, but I'll be taking calls. Sometimes, my cycle is quite painful, so I try to take it easy. I just hate that I'm constantly being limited. It just all goes back to needing to find another job to work with camming.

I bought a lot of anime merch today with my sister. Then my parents came over to see us and told us how proud they were of my sister and I for moving out and being adults. I moved out a year ago, but my sis and I moved in together this year. My sister finally moved out at almost 30, and I'm pretty sure my parents are more so just proud of her moving out and us sticking together more than anything, but jobs play a factor too. My sis is constantly being praised for her hard work at her job and getting raises and I, supposedly, work from home as a data entry specialist. I don't even talk about the shit tbh. The reality is that I'm a cam model. And it's not like I'm doing this because I don't want to work. I like working. I do. I just don't like working with people. It seems like I can never feel comfortable being in a place with people I don't know. I have social anxiety and it's almost crippling. And I'm very introverted. I prefer being alone than to be around others. With camming, I get to be myself and people seem to actually like that, and I get to stay at home, too; Somewhere I feel my most comfortable. I get to not serve those who are rude. I get to block those who make me feel uncomfortable.

I don't feel ashamed for what I do. I only feel ashamed when people perceive me in negative ways for what I do. When someone tells me their job, I don't automatically assume who they are. Parts of me feel like I want to disassociate myself from my job, you know? Like if I were to get another job and my parents find out or someone finds out, I can say well, I only cam on the side, so it's not as bad.

Why is it even bad in the first place? I'm in just as much danger as people putting their faces and locations on apps like tik tok and shit. Is it bad because it's "dangerous" or is it bad because of people's perceptions of me? If those people perceive me in negative ways, how is that MY fault?

And then I just almost deleted all this because I only ever started thinking like this after the situationship I had with my childhood bf. He spun that entire situation against me and used my job against me. I hate him for that because I can't get the thoughts out of my head sometimes.

I quite simply want to live life. I can't live life if I'm quitting jobs because of people taking advantage of my kindness, because of rude people, because I can't handle it. These bills don't care if you have social anxiety and can't function in certain scenarios. They still need to be paid.

I became a sex worker because I'm comfortable getting naked. I have a high sex drive and my exes did too. I was constantly sending pictures and doing sexual things for them. I thought okay, maybe I can make some quick money from this. And although it's not quick, it's something I'm comfortable with. My ex at the time was fine with it too. He understood it, as he tried it himself. I'm happy expressing myself sexually with others. It's fun. I enjoy it. I've never gotten tired of pleasuring myself, so I figure I'd make a job out of it. Is that wrong? Why do people try to make it seem like this is weird? Idk, it's just so odd to me. Idk...

I'll be going to bed soon, but I'll play my video game for a bit before I do.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

My little sister came over earlier this morning to hang out and talk. She's been crazy over this guy she's known since high-school. He's a real fucking bum. He doesn't have a job, doesn't want to get one because he said he doesn't like it when people tell him what to do, says he shouldn't have to work, and he wants to strike it rich by scamming people and making music. I'm being absolutely serious btw. He just recently asked her for money and now she's considering blocking him. Apparently it isn't the first time he's done that, and it's like dude, leave that guy alone. She told me she's gonna stop talking to him, but I really hope she does this time, because dealing with people like that is draining asf.

Talking to her reduced the time I could cam. Usually I try to work for 5 hours a day. I was only able to work for 3. I was still able to make it to my minimum goal, but I could've made more had I stuck to my 5 hours.

My sister and I walked at a nearby park today. My body felt so heavy and I didn't wanna go, but she motivated me to go through with it. She's actually 20 lbs away from being my weight, so that's really been a motivator for me. I haven't started doing my calorie counting just yet. Right now, I'm trying to find certain meals and snacks I like that're low in calories. Eventually, I want to have a menu of food to make to eat. That way I wouldn't have to worry about what I should make. I feel like, when I don't plan my meals, I end up over eating.

My little sister came over again to spend the night and she put on this movie called Acrimony featuring Taraji P. Henson. That movie is insane. I've watched it a long time ago, but watching some of it again made me realize how vulnerable people are when they experience traumatic events, and how manipulative people can truly be when they catch wind to what you're going through. They don't see the harm in doing it, because there's not really a big or meaningful consequence to their actions. If you were to rob somebody, there's a consequence for that. It's on your record and shit right? If you were to lie to somebody about some detrimental shit to take advantage of their character, yeah you would make that person mad, but if you really don't give a fuck about that person, then there's no consequence to it. You see where I'm getting at? There's no consequence for lying and being a manipulator. There's no consequence for having ill-intentions with someone. There's no consequence for pressuring someone into doing shit they don't want to do. And then those who do get manipulated, those who are victims of it all, they either lash out and get labeled as crazy or have to go to therapy for years on end to cope with the damage. That's not fair, but that's how life is as of present day...

Enough of all that talk. I just got done eating these cup noodles and oh my god my stomach did the sore thing again. It was very subtle this time though, but still. It sucks to deal with, because I get anxious when it comes to stuff related to my health. This is pretty new to me. Idk why this is happening. It's just more shit to deal with, you know?

My sister works later on in the day today, so I get to stay up a bit longer. I'm starting to get pretty tired though, so I guess I'll be heading to bed.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/12/2024

Today has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. This morning, I woke up having a sore throat. Then I tried to start the day off well with tuna, avocado, crackers, and a pickle. To clear the sore throat, I drank some chamomile tea. Right after that, all hell broke loose because the middle of my stomach hurted pretty bad. Not to the point where I needed to go to the hospital, but it sucked.

I tried to thug it out on cam, even took an antacid, but had to just log off to lay down. The antacid helped and after using the bathroom ( sorry if that's TMI ) I was fine. I've had this happen before, and I low key think I have IBS, but idk. I was freaking out because I didn't know if it was appendicitis or somethin. I overthink EVERYTHING lol.

My new sex toy had came in the mail while I was laying in bed and omg that shit is some next level shit. It felt so good, it cured my stomach pain. I got up and made a sandwich and everything lmao.

I was able to work soon after and was able to reach my minimum goal today. There was this guy who had a fetish I've never thought would even be possible. It was strange, but it was interesting nonetheless.

After my sister got off of work, we bought my mom flowers, met up with our little sister to go get ice cream, and then went back to my mom's house to enjoy a dinner she made. While we were there, I felt so fatigued. That's a symptom of my GERD. Yeah, I hate this shit. I had to force myself to eat. My mom was concerned for me and I just hate that she was worried about me. I don't need anyone worried about me.

I cried to my sister on the way back home about my GERD. Sometimes it's too much and I really feel like this shit takes over my life sometimes. Crying about it and talking about it helped me calm down. Getting back home felt like a relief. Now that I'm here, I don't feel as fatigued. I took my medication and now I can relax. Not sure what I'm going to be doing for the rest of the day. I might play some games on my switch. I might just turn on YouTube and watch my favorite YouTuber. Idk. I'm just gonna make sure I'm comfortable for the rest of the day.

I just wanna relax tonight and be happy

[sellingpussyainteasy]

It hurts my soul knowing that, for the majority of my life, I've allowed for people to step over me and disrespect me because I was too shy, overly nice, and didn't know how to deal with confrontation. It hurts so bad, but I know I can't let it get to me tonight. I have to go to sleep so I can work.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/11/2024

So my sisters and I left out for about an hour to go get pizza and we came back to my parking spot being taken. I parked my car at the spot right next to theirs in the hopes that they'll move it. We all have assigned parking spots and we're told from day one about it. If we aren't parked in the right spot, our car can and will get towed. Like there's even a number to call if there's a car in our spot. So this is some serious shit.

My sister got upset at me because I was being angry and loud about it. And yeah maybe I was too loud but I felt like I had every right to be. Because it'd be my luck that my car gets towed to god knows where just because of these fucks who can't follow directions. It makes me feel like my feelings weren't being validated.

If my car got towed, I would have to fuckin pay for it. Not them. And yeah, maybe it wouldn't have happened straight away or anything, but that's not the point. The point is that those mother fuckers most likely knew that THAT parking space was not available. And they decided to do whatever the fuck they wanted because they didn't give a fuck.

I give people the benefit of the doubt because I'm too fucking nice and I'm tired of being too nice because I have to fucking pay for it every time. So if they heard me bitching up here, so what. Because chances are, they knew that THAT parking space wasn't theirs to begin with. I've been parked there all day. People just do shit to try and take advantage of people and I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I really am.

Our sister comes over all the time and she knows not to park in those parking spaces because we told her about it. So why didn't they tell they people that? It's because they don't care. I'm tired of people not caring.

It's not like I want to be a bitch to people, you know? It's never my intention to not be nice, to not treat people with respect and kindness, but I'm done letting shit slide. I'm done being nice. Because people who let shit slide get done the dirtiest in a world like this.

I'm understanding that now. I see that now. So I need to start speaking up for myself, even with little shit like this.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/11/2024

I used to be in a situationship with a childhood boyfriend about a year or so ago. At the time, I had no boundaries, so when he started to touch me, I let him, even though he had a girlfriend and I was uncomfortable with it all. He told me that what we were doing was making him happy, and all I wanted for him was to be happy, so I submitted to him. Like a stupid idiot.

He wasn't the same guy as before. The guy I knew before wouldn't have cheated like that. The guy I knew before wouldn't have kept secrets like that. The guy I knew wouldn't wait 2 weeks to break up with his girlfriend , knowing that he's been sleeping with someone else behind her back. Even after he and his gf broke up, when we were sneaking off to be together, he just wasn't the same.

He was controlling. Jealous. Insecure. He didn't want us talking to each other all the time the way we did when we were younger. He was insecure about my job and asked me what made him so different from the guys I entertained. He could talk to other women but I couldn't talk to other guys. When I did, he wanted me to move in with him and when I told him no, he told me there was someone else he liked, even though I told him to let me know if he liked someone from the beginning. He just wasn't the same.

I had told his girlfriend that he cheated and, long story short, everything he told me about her was true. I thought he was lying about all that. So I tried to talk to him for more clarification and what was going on, but his friend didn't let me. He's been back with his girlfriend ever since and his girlfriend talks shit about me whenever I try to confront the guy about the hurtful things he's said to me. She actually showed my porn to her friends. And he called me a bitch too. That was the one boundary I had when we were kids. Don't call me a bitch. And he did. He called me all kinds of names. He even said I was the bottom of the totem pole. Who says those kinds of things to someone they've tried to pursue for so many years?

At the time I just needed someone to be there for me. My step sister's husband died, I was taking care of my niece all the time because my sister was mourning, I had an abortion prior to that and I couldn't, no, I still actually can't stomach that, I was going through a break up because my boyfriend wanted the child (his family didn't believe in abortions), and with him having autism, I just felt like I was tearing him apart. I felt alone and I fell into the arms of a liar and a manipulator.

After that situationship, I had a severe case of BV and yeast infection. It was eating at my skin. My doctor had no idea what she was looking at. My period was also completely different. Instead of 7 days, my periods last between 9-14 days now. With me being a cam model, that's not good, at all. My BV and infection were healed after a month, but my period has never went back to normal. So every month has felt like a reminder of the fact that I let someone manipulate me because I had no boundaries. And while he gets to live his life the way it was before, I get to deal with the consequences of it all. Had my period been back to normal, I wouldn't even think about him anymore, but I feel like I'm forced to think about it due to my longer periods. It's like a scar that can't heal, and he made that happen. He gets to live life normally but my sense of normal is gone? That's unfair.

My period isn't supposed to be here for another 9 days. I'm apparently spotting today and I've been extremely fatigued. Every month I hope that my period goes back to normal, but it never did. Maybe with my diet, it can go back to normal. When I used to eat 400 cals a day, my periods went from extremely heavy to much lighter. If this is my period that I'm experiencing, I hope that this time it's 7 days. I doubt it though.

...you know I used to think about him, my childhood bf. At one point I didn't even think he was capable of treating me this way, that maybe someone else is making him do this. Maybe he's just lying to me. But I don't care about that shit anymore. A guy like that doesn't deserve to be with someone like me. He's a monster, and the people around him only prove that to be true.

I have an assigned hooded parking spot and inside the little area for it, there's these two birds. Everytime I see them, they're ALWAYS together. They even fly off together too. A few days ago, I realized that they actually had a nest inside of the roof part of the parking spot. From what I could remember as a kid, the male birds don't usually stay with the female birds. But these two birds, they're somethin else. Yesterday night, the mother bird was in the nest, and the father bird was outside the nest, making sure he was guarding her. I've NEVER seen no shit like that. Never. Whenever I think about the situation, I think about those two birds. I deserve to be with someone who actively protects me, loves me, and makes sure that I'm safe.

The two guys I had relationships with before were great, but I just felt like they weren't as responsible and mature as the childhood bf. He had his own apartment and his own car. I felt like he was where I wanted to be in life, but I didn't know how to get there. Now that I have everything he has, I know that if I'm attracted to someone else for something I don't have, to acquire that for myself first and then see if I'm attracted to them afterwards. Chances are, I won't be.

Today, I'll be finishing everything I didn't do yesterday. I also have those scales coming today so I'll be able to know my weight for sure. Also, today is Saturday, so my sister and I will be watching anime. I'm gonna try to exercise today, but to be honest, I don't feel like doing a gah damn thing.

Update - I'm 186, so I have to lose 66 lbs

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/10/2024

It feels really nice to go through the diary hashtag and see other people's diaries. I've always kept my diaries in my google drive account. I wanted to be able to have a secret diary that other people could see and engage with, and I feel like this is what i was looking for. Looking at other people's diaries here makes me feel less lonely.

I wrote down a list of things I wanted to do today. I did my laundry, I tried to set up my plushie hammock and failed (I need stronger command strips), I cleaned up my room a bit and realized that I still had a box of clothes from when I moved here, I updated my subscription site, did some shopping both online and at Target, and I've been thinking about ways to make camming more comfortable for me. The only thing I didn't do today was my hair.

Yesterday, I stayed up until 5 o'clock in the morning. I was up just overthinking tbh. That and my GERD was flaring up. When my GERD flares up, I get super anxious, kinda like a bad trip. I have to hold my plushies tight and watch my comfort YouTuber to keep me sane. Idk why I didn't take an antacid, but I definitely took one this afternoon.

I usually can keep my GERD controlled with diet and exercise. Actually, part of the reason as to why I'm losing weight is because it's getting worse. It usually gets worse the bigger I get. I've been craving ranch and have been paying for it with each flare up. I knew that having it would make me flare up, but I still used it because it tasted good. Lol that's a big no no. Once I start getting into the habit of dieting again, I won't even think about it anymore.

My body scale and food scale are coming tomorrow. I'll be able to see how much I weigh. I know I won't like the number, but it's alright, because I'm going to lose the weight. I've been slowly making adjustments to my diet by buying more healthier foods.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/10/2024 Poem

You keep me up well past midnight

I think about you around this time

And in the morning, in the afternoon

I think about you all the time

I hate how you always make me leave

You always make me do it

You make me feel like you don't want me

So you know I have to prove it

How can you let me leave all those times?

You never beg me to stay

You must really want me to leave

Did you ever love me in the first place??

What is there to not love about me?

I'm sexy, charming, intelligent, kind

You told me I was so special and beautiful

I am not easy to find

You tell me I'm toxic

But you can never get over me

Even after 10 years

You still wanted to be with me

So if I'm toxic, then you're hard headed

Because you're addicted to my poison

And I'll always be here to deliver it to you

But next time, I'll have things MY way

You will beg for me to stay

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/9/2024

I worked for 4 hours today. I made it to my daily goal too. I worked for 19 hours this week and was able to make well over my weekly goal.

Now that I've been keeping a more consistent schedule, I'd love to work 30 hours again, but I live with my sister now, and that's basically impossible. I only work when she's at work. Creating a schedule around her schedule is great, but fuck, I miss the amount I was making when I was living on my own and working the hours I wanted. I could get online whenever I wanted. I could pull off 8 hours no problem. I'd just work 4 hours in the morning and then another 4 hours at night. It was great lol.

I have more time than before, but when I take off my makeup after working, I just wanna fall right onto the bed and stare at my phone lol. I wanna do more, but I need to be consistent with doing more. It's gonna take some time.

I felt so tired after work again. I think it's because I'm not eating enough in the mornings. I'm gonna try to start taking vitamins again and hopefully that fixes things. My sister and I got some Taco Bell and it was so good. I fell right asleep after eating it lol.

Tomorrow I'm going to do my laundry, do my hair, clean up my room, and try to edit a video to upload and sell. I might low key go to the beauty supply store tomorrow to see if they have something I wanted to get online. I still gotta buy some new lingerie, too. Sigh, I've been spending so much money recently, and even though I can get it all back, I know that spending it like that wasn't a good idea. I still have to get my car checked out because the noises it be making sounds expensive lol.

I'm nervous to take my car to get checked on. Every time I've done it, it's always an issue. And I know it's gonna be an issue this time. I just hope it'll be inexpensive and easy to fix. That's usually not the case though.

I'll be in bed tonight cuddled up with my plushies. Eating that Taco Bell made my GERD flare up and I'm paying for it. I kinda wanna get an early start with editing. I low key have a big ass backlog of videos. It's gonna take so much work to go through them all, but lately I just focus on my recent ones. If I don't work on any video editing, then I might do some shopping online.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/8/2024

I cammed for 3 hours today. I usually try to go for 5 or more but I had a late start. I didn't make it to my goal today, but I had a few good days before to cover for it.

I need to buy a weight scale and a food scale. I wanna start keeping track of my weight again. Don't get me wrong, I'm very comfortable in my body and I know I look sexy, but fuck, I hate being big like this. I've always been on the thinner side but my weight ballooned in high school. And even though I've been trying to maintain my weight below 200 lbs over the years, it's been creeping back up there. I wanna try and make it to 130 or 120 and see how that looks on me and then try to go lower if i feel like i need to.

With some very unhealthy dieting, I went from 200 lbs to 140 lbs. I forgot how long it took but I used to be able to lose like 15 lbs a month. I used to eat 400 calories a day. The bottom of my feet used to hurt and getting up out of bed made me feel dizzy at times, but at least i wasn't as big as i was before, right? Lol. I can't believe I gained it all back.

I wanna try to do it a little healthier this time so that my weight stays off. Instead of 400 calories, I can do 800 or 600 cals on the days I cam. On the weekends, I can eat whatever. I'ma try to exercise too.

I should be sleep rn but here I am typing away into the void. Guess I'll masturbate so I can go to bed tonight.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

5/7/2024

I feel so tired. I did a 5 hr shift and I feel so drained. Like I have no energy fr. I'm exhausted. I only ate some chicken, eggs, and pickles in the morning and then had one of these graham cracker pouches while I was camming. I just got done making some garlic bread pizza and now I'm gonna probably do some online shopping and some journaling before bed.

I legit love being a cam model. I'm actually quite embarrassed of how much I love it.

[sellingpussyainteasy]

Hi. Zero, here. I'm a cam model. I'm using this site as a way to vent into the void about work and stuff. Twitter kinda sucks and I didn't wanna make a fake account there because the character limit sucks ass. So I'm here.

Someone recommended this site to vent on outside of work. I don't wanna keep venting on my socials so I figure I do it here instead.

Just for clarification purposes, I'll be talking about my job as a cam model, NSFW stuff, dieting and eating habits, calorie counting, restricted eating and more. If any of that stuff triggers you, I'm sorry.