#then the ending :( rly mucked it up :(

[swearingcactus]

fun game that doesn't take itself seriously that unfortunately has a very underwhelming ending but hey. we ball.

[lvrdrm]

small victories — joel miller

warnings: none i don’t think, just joel being emotionally unavailable

a/n: wrote this running solely on fumes im gonna pass out after this, BUT FIRST JOEL MILLER FIC! there’s not much of a relationship here but i’m planning on building it as i go. hope you enjoy! love u. | 0.6k words

joel doesn’t talk to you much, but you know he cares. he’s gentle with you, patient, and protective. his hard exterior never seeming to crack beyond that, his walls were built up so high it was no use trying to break through them. so you didn’t, keeping to yourself as much as he kept to himself.

it was a silent agreement between you both, survive and have eachothers backs. it’s easy enough, he’s methodical and strong you’re smart and agile. your dynamic was easy and it worked, it had gotten you this far.

you just wish he would talk to you more. hes always around but it often gets lonely, only being talked to when absolutely needed. truth is, you can’t remember the last time you had a real conversation with joel other than concocting plans or quick exchanges.

you’d been partners for over a year now and you barely knew a single thing about him, other than him having a brother out there somewhere and a daughter he lost early on. but you wanted to know him, if he had any hobbies before the outbreak or what his favorite color is.

“y/n.” his stern voice knocked you out of your trance.

“hm? sorry, i was thinkin’,” you picked at your dirty fingernails, scraping the muck out from underneath them, “what’s up?”

he stared at you for a few beats, “hungry?”

you were starving but you knew there was only enough food for one of you, you also knew he’d go hungry if you said yes, “no, i’m alright thank you.”

“alright,” joel shoved the can of 20 year old baked beans back into his bag. “we’ll save it for tomorrow.”

“no joel, eat,” your hand made its way to his hand, placing it on top softly. “please.”

he stiffened under your touch, gently pulling his hand away from yours. he shook his head, “i’ll be alright.”

“what was your favorite food before y’know, all this.” it was a desperate attempt to keep him talking, to keep the conversation from ending.

his eyes stayed on the forest floor, he thought for a moment and then he shrugged, “don’t know.”

“c’mon there has to be something! mine was pecan pie.” even the thought of it made your stomach growl.

“i’ve never had it.”

you gasp slightly, “you’ve never had pecan pie? i’ll have to make it for you someday.” a soft smile makes its way onto your lips.

he nodded.

“why don’t you talk to me?” the words came out before you could stop them.

he looked at you for a moment, contemplating. “let’s start heading to bed, gotta be up early.” he sat up from the floor, dusting himself off and grabbing the sleeping bags from the back of bills truck.

you sighed quietly, “okay.”

he noticed the shift in your attitude but he pretended not to. instead he layed the sleeping bags down next to eachother.

“gonna be warm enough?”

you nodded softly, quietly settling into your sleeping bag. he followed suit, adjusting himself until he was on his side facing away from you. you chose to face him, your eyes being met with the back of his head. it took everything out of you not to run your fingers through his hair.

“pancakes.” his voice was quiet but loud enough for you to hear it.

“what?” you had heard him but you wanted to make sure you weren’t hearing things.

“pancakes, i really like pancakes.”

you smiled to yourself, it wasn’t much but it was the first time he had rly let you in on something like this. a small victory but a victory nonetheless. “good choice.”

[therantsofawriterrr]

I have spent the last hour scrolling thru every social media app i have and even downloading a new one coz I'm having a good omens brain rot and since yesterday I've been thinking.

What if in the next season, Crowley's just living in denial that they're sad and pining, screaming at their plants and visiting Azi's bookshop "just to make sure Muriel's not mucking everything up" and finds out that Muriel's hired a new helper, a human.

Now this human is rly weird and grumpy, they have random eps of depression throughout the day which causes chaos outside the shop and every evening they visit the park just like Crowley, who sits on the bench and sulks. Now, Crowley always sees them on the grass, staring at this another guy staring at the night stars.

Crowley and they become friends, because they both are longing and pining for someone they think they can't have and this one day, the assistant is really really irritated and they're like that guy's gonna die today. But nothing happens, that guy ends up in the shop and they end up panicking and telling their whole backstory to Crowley, revealing themselves to be a demon who usually causes chaos. They have a whole long ass backstory in my head, but basically the guy used to be someone in like a rly old time (like maybe Mesopotamia or Egyptian?) And the demon was an angel they fell in love got cursed by both god and satan, leading up to the demon feeling the guy be reborn and seeing them at around the same time they'd seen them at the old times and the guy dying at around the same time. It's confusing ik just bear with me

Now because azi is the supreme archangel, maybe they're turning heaven into what it's supposed to be, a good place which cares abt the people and not just the stupid war agenda, and so the guy ain't killing himself in this life.

It just kind of ends with the guy dying anyway but becoming an angel?? And they all live happily ever after maybe??? Idk but yea I'm down bad for that show it has me in a chokehold

P. S. Does everyone in the show use they/them pronouns? I'm confused lmao

[lake-lady]

In the long haul was it easy narrowing down what you want to pursue as far as being a biologist? I fear that I will always be in this endless cycle of running a muck (no pun intended), since there is so much to offer as far as careers go. Gee Hayley Williams was right when she belted out: "I can feel the pressure. It's getting closer now." haha Hang ten!

It took me a long time actually to decide what I really wanted to do! I knew I liked biology so I majored in it in college, but after college I jumped around from job to job. If I didn't like a job, it helped me figure out what I wanted to do next and I kind of narrowed it down to research/ecology from there.

I used to be rly nervous about figuring out what I wanted to be because so many people already know in high school, but I truly think your experiences tell you what you want to get out of life, and as long as you trust your gut and try to make changes to improve your life, you'll get there. Doesn't matter if it takes years, it's better to very mindfully choose the path you want to take than rush into a path in life you end up hating

There's something to be said for enjoying the journey as well. I worked places I knew weren't a long term fit for me just to get by, and during that time I could think more clearly about what I really wanted.

And I will also say that sometimes a certain career isn't the answer to what you want in life. Maybe you always have a job just to get by, and you instead dedicate your free time to exploring what you love. There are a lot of toxic careers that overwork people. I knew I at least didn't want to enter one of those.

[smallbirdbigcoat]

omg that is so awesome!! i play bass too LOL ive been playing since uhhhhh like june 2019? very fun i love it :) it takes a while 2 get good at it but w consistent practice n etc … even i dont do that tho 😭😭 somthing i have 2 get better at haha its soooo hard to find good stickers for realllll the ones i find r either cool n the worst quality or will literally withstand nuclear war n lame as shit <\3 i ended up scotch taping things to mine LMAO. i have a glow in the dark star on my pickguard that i love & i cut these cute little stars out of old “holographic” paper i have n stuck those on … customization is so fun haha when you’re thinking abt sticking sticker on what are you thinking of? like do you have an inspirations you’re trying to emulate?

-❄️

omg wow i had the idea of sticking some glow in the dark stars to my pickguard :0 we r so on the same page

i was mainly just inspired to put stickers on it by some cool photos i saw on pinterest of guitars w stickers on them. i rly like the idea of a star motif especially those cute little gold stars but they aren’t very good quality and i don’t think they’ll last that long :( i also found some really cute bat fretboard stickers but they were super expensive for some reason?

i’m also struggling to decide what sort of stickers i’d like to have n whether they should follow like a specific theme or aesthetic or if they should just be a mish-mash of different things i like. i don’t wanna put any stickers on it until i have fully decided and planned it out in case they r difficult to get off. i am sure i am probably overthinking this though lmao.

i didn’t think abt taping things to it though!! i did consider making my own stickers using this sticky printer paper i got a while back but my printer always mucks up the colours. wait i could just draw it directly onto the paper using like traditional drawing. literally i have only just thought of this now you are witnessing my thought process in real time.

anyways it is very late here so i should probably go to bed!! sorry if this makes no sense i am very tired lmao! goodnight/morning/afternoon/whatever time of day it is where you are!

[harpaax]

I tried making another origami penguin at work but.. it failed

[appleciders]

personally, im also deep in the station 19 muck but like you i wish i wasn't. randomly watched it because pandemic and maya bishop is just so compelling, even with all the bad writing i still love her sm. is there anything you would want to see for season 4? your hair cut fic was so good and i cant stop thinking about how much better the season would have been had it ended like that instead.

first off, sorry to both of us for being here! but i guess let’s take escapism where can get it, hey. second, thank you so much for reading the fic!! i’m super honored you liked it <33

as for what i would want for s4...whew. a lot, lmao. i’ll put in under a cut to save my poor non-s19 followers.

mostly, i want them to please slow down the pacing. let story arcs breathe and build and develop. last season was so rushed—ryan’s death and rigo’s death and pruitt’s death all crammed in, andy and sullivan having a shotgun wedding out of nowhere, maya and carina fastforwarding to i love yous with only 30 second scenes and not a real date to be seen, vic hardly getting to process ripley—i could go on. it’s cheap and messy storytelling. cut it out. 

i also really want them to let relationships do the same. i want to see the friendships that were so strained last season to grow again. show me andy, maya, and vic being friends and supporting each other!! for the love of god!! (show me andy and maya being friends, period. for the whole season. the whole goddamn season. no drama between them, only supporting each other through outside drama. if i have to see another season where these ‘best friends’ are at each other’s throats half the time, i swear to god.) 

show me more team-as-family! a) i eat that shit up, and b) that’s supposed to be the underlying theme and premise of the show. show them laughing and goofing off together, show them holding each other up when things get tough, show them teasing each other to hell and back while they cook together in the beanery. invest in that again.

for the romances....develop that shit. honestly, i really hope andy and sullivan either break up or really do the fucking work to fix their relationship, because as-is, it’s a hot mess. and not a hot mess i particularly care to watch. i liked them fine in season 2, but the sullivan arc in s3 (which...not to out myself as having watched chicago fire, but which is a blatant rip-off of severide’s s1 arc in cf) puts him in a place where he’s not really ready for a relationship. and with the amount of shit they put andy through, she’s not, either. i know it’s impossible on a drama, but i would really like andy to be single this season? idk, i’m tired.

maya and carina better not be all sunshine and rainbows. they need to do the work! they need to show the work! after that rushed-ass ‘forgive me’ scene (where carina was...pressured into forgiving maya like the day after she cheated on her??? and that was framed as a good thing?? make it make sense), they deserve to show them actually navigating that broken trust and rebuilding something real. and as someone who doesn’t watch grey’s, i really don’t know carina very well? 90% of her scenes were her supporting maya through her ongoing breakdown (though a  totally understandable breakdown! not criticizing maya for having trauma), so i’d like to see more of a balance of support in the relationship and more development of her as an individual apart from maya. she’ll be sticking around, and that will be much more interesting if she bonds with other members of the team.

dean and vic...look, my hands-down #1 wish for season 4 is that they treat vic hughes well, with respect, with screentime, and with a good arc. she’s the absolute best. and as much as i love dean miller (hint: a lot), he needs to start guzzling his respecting vic juice if the writers are gonna try to set up anything. personally, i’d really like to see them move past it? awkward crushes between friends happen. putting myself in dean’s shoes, living with one of my best friends who i’m also secretly crushing on, watching her play with my baby...it’d be a lot too!! but that doesn’t excuse being a dick, so i’d really like to see them take some time apart, and then start their friendship back up on a foundation of honesty and communication. because they’re so good, guys.

individual character notes!!!

well. i want every person at this goddamn station to go to therapy. they won’t, but i want them to.

andy needs to go to serious grief counseling after season 3. compounded by what’s bound to be a shitstorm from the discovery that her mother is alive? please. in regards to the whole mother arc, i really don’t want it her disappearance to have been like...gang-related. i’ve seen that posited as a theory, and that’s just a whole bundle of stereotypes we don’t need to get into. i also want the mom reveal to be the main revelation that takes up the majority of her arc the first half of the season, just to have time to process it. the captain’s race took up all of season 1—you can give this twist time to marinate properly.  

vic hughes, my moon, my stars! i really loved the snippets of vic’s backstory that they gave us in s3. as someone who lost a family member to early-onset alzheimer’s in november, 3x09 was...oof. a lot. i love how they committed to fleshing out her past and her backstory more and i love the emotional depth barrett doss always brings to the screen. for season 4, i’d love to see vic get to process ripley and jackson properly. (and here i repeat my forever adage for female characters lol: let them be single for a hot sec.) i want her to move in with maya, because i think that dynamic is so fun and ripe for exploration, and then i’d love to see her digging in to her issues and getting help—going back to the firefighter group, actually talking, spending time with her found family. (sidenote: would love to see her help out with some like youth community theatre classes on her days off? developing connections with kids who have gone through losses, supporting them and in turn realizing the support she needs herself...tell me vic singing with kids wouldn’t be the cutest shit). anyway, i just rly want her to get a good storyline. but i’m not a screenwriter so like...hope they come up with one!

i’ve already written much more than i’m sure you wanted, so i’m going to condense the boys into one paragraph lol. i want jack gibson to heal himself and stop sleeping with taken women! his new found family is super sweet, so i really hope he gets to keep it throughout s4. i want travis montgomery to get only good and happy things, and the same goes for warren. actually, i’d love to see warren step into his new role as team Older Person a bit more? i think that would be a really fun and heartwarming dynamic to play with all the other characters. dean i think i already touched on, but i’d love him to take a breath, apologize to vic and explain, and lean on the rest of his found family. he’s gonna be such a good dad and i’m excited to see more of that.

finally: maya. oh, maya. she needs therapy. you can’t have a character say she’s been dealing with suicidal ideation and anxiety for nearly 20 years and just...magically make it all better. she deserves to get to unpack all the shit with her dad, and all the ways that’s impacted her. on some level, i kinda wish she’d not stayed as captain—i love her scenes so much when she’s allowed to be just chilling on the same level as her team. since that’s not the case, finding a right balance of her as captain and her as friend is gonna be super important. i want her to open up to her friends and lean on them. i’d love for mason to come back, too? i think her trying to heal herself, establish herself as a team member and leader, and rebuild her relationships with her brother as well as her found family and girlfriend would be more than enough material for an arc. it won’t always go great! this stuff isn’t an easy fix! but that’s why it’d be worth writing. plus, so many members of the team have shitty relationships with their parents that even though they won’t understand what maya went through, there’s some really fertile ground for compassion and cathartic ‘fuck our dads’ ball-busting i’d love to see seeded. bonus father’s day episode where literally none of them are happy and they decide to like...go play laser tag or something.

anyway, i’m sure that’s more than you wanted!! but thank you for the q lmao apparently i had a lot to say

[highdwightofmylife]

OKAY!! I rly rly hope it's ok to give u a few asks at once LOL I read almost all ur content and I'm ready to Request™!!! first! I love love love your lore hcs, I rly liked the one you did with the cooking!! may I some more of your general lore / how things work in the fog? perhaps like sleeping hcs, who sleeps next to who, or like little quirks abt or hobbies they do when they're bored?? do you think they can watch other trials?? etc 💝🧡💜

hey fun fact i love u, ur an absolute blessing

General Fog Lore/Headcanons

First of all, the survivors like to sleep in shifts. They prefer to always have someone awake, just in case a killer gets a little too big for their boots and decides to wander in. It’s not the end of the world since, y’know, they’re not allowed to harm the survivors when not in a trial, but... The survivors leaned the hard way that they don’t want Danny or The Legion mucking about while they’re asleep. 

There’s a few tents. Some they’ve made themselves, some they’ve actually scrounged from trials. You’d be surprised what gets shoved onto old shelves. Camping gear is rare, but it’s so nice when they escape with it. 

Nea likes to sleep right by the fire. She usually just leans against a log and naps. She’s used to sleeping it rough, and she likes the feeling of security the fire brings. Sometimes, late at night, she’ll watch the stars as Kate plays her guitar and everyone else is asleep. They have a small bond because of these few nighttime events.

Jake sleeps away from the others. He prefers to set himself up on the outskirts of the camp. He argues that it’s for safety in case anything comes in the night, but it’s really because he’s just too nervous to be with the others when he’s at his most vulnerable -- sleeping. 

Often they’ll just go to sleep beside whoever they’re sitting next to. They’ve learned to get along with each other just fine. 

Quentin’s a mystery in which nobody ever sees him sleeping. It’s obvious he does nap, but... It’s like a myth. They’ve only ever seen him awake and exhausted.

 There’s only so much they can do when they’re bored, but they’ve learned to find ways to keep themselves amused. As I’ve mentioned in a precious Fog Headcanons, there’s a lake for them to mess around with, and they’re more than welcome to wander the woods. 

Ace was brought into the fog with two packs of cards. They use these to their full advantage. They have a tree stump set up as a make-shift table, and they’ll sometimes gather round it for a game. (Ace cheats, so, warning).

David sometimes gets a little violent if someone says something that strikes a nerve. He once punched Dwight square in the face, and would have probably gone further if Bill hadn’t grabbed him by the ear and demanded he apologise. Bill is the f a t h e r of them all. David doesn’t mean to get all fighty, but it’s in his blood. Sometimes he sees red and forgets that it’s not the answer. He does mean it when he says sorry. 

Sometimes the Demogorgon wanders in. Nancy and Steve will get really annoyed, but... There’s something really strange in how docile the creature gets when not in a trial. How does the Entity convince a creature like that not to harm them? They wonder how much convincing it takes. Either way, he acts somewhat like an aloof dog. Sometimes wants attention, sometimes doesn’t. Hisses when you do something it doesn’t like. But it never bites. Sometimes you can see Ash chilling on a log, throwing Demo a stick. Jeff joins in too sometimes. It’s so mundane and so weird at the same time.

They cannot watch each other’s trials. There’s nothing available for them to do so, and there’s no recordings. Only the Entity sees them all. It’s up to the participants themselves if they want to discuss their trials. The only thing available to see into other trials is... Danny. He’s the only one with a camera, and he does take a lot of pictures. Usually it’s just mori’s, or random things that make him chuckle. He likes to get funny pics and use them to embarrass everyone. Meg once found a polaroid nailed to a tree; a picture of herself after having tripped over mid-trial when she thought no one was looking. Face planting the dirt. Very ungraceful. 

[cakesandfail]

Also i'm really sorry abt spamming you with asks, it's just that I'm super tired, it's past midnight, and I can't sleep because I'm stressing and panicing over the English Phonetics exam I have EARLY TOMORROW MORNING (pls fucking kill me) and crying over fucking up my Spoken English exam, so I've ended up stress-infodumping on the nearest person I can force to listen. Sorry. I just. I just don't rly have my life together At All rn.

No no no it’s fine!!! I’m just sitting here drinking my decaf tea and mucking about on the internet, you’re absolutely 100% okay to holler in my inbox about stuff. I hope tomorrow’s exam goes better than the last one did. And if it helps... I don’t have my shit together right now either. I only got out of bed on time this morning because the sun was in my eyes.

Also btw just so you know, I probably got a bunch of terms there wrong (far as I cared to use the technical terms rather than just explaining, anyway. Besides I don't have the IPA phonetic alphabet symbols easily on my phone so that doesn't really help trying to be exact, either)

I wouldn’t recognise most of it even if you did have them tbh, I had a bunch of stuff on it from when I went to a talk about Original Pronunciation in Shakespeare but I can never remember any of it because the guy who gave the talk was too hot and that made me very stupid

[arcenergy]

👀 describe arcetri thru alistiars pov

god i mean i wanna say that alistair’s view of arcetri is definitely deeper than funny and sexy unhinged lady who gives him brain rot but it’s very close to that EHASG*SHD*GHSDISD

no no but alistair Does love arcetri very very much and it makes me weep if i think too hard about it and i will get very emotional if i make this not joke-y so i will try to find the thin line in the middle of “the embarassing amount of emotional depth i put into their relationship but it physically pains me to think about it for too long” vs “hehe arcetri pegged him” 

i think even from the very beginning when alistair first met arcetri it was very obvious that arcetri had Issues but like we all do so he was like ok queen werk but even tho the two of them had a lot of shit thrown at them during the blight and the two of them still managed to maintain a sense of lightness and sarcasm just to kinda Cope with it all but it was definitely a relief for him i think to actually find someone who was goin thru it but still just kinda be There and to have someone he actually could relate to and maybe talk to if push came to shove bc arcetri was rly sympathetic towards him after duncans death and i think that kinda made him kinda cozy up next to her bc she is genuinely a kind and compassionate person but she just got fucked over by Everything so it’s covered up by paranoia and got mucked around by like . trauma. 

but also i think he just also really ended up really Caring for her thru it all bc of their shitty situations but also how arcetri reacted to it in a pretty isolationist way n alistair wanted to repay the kindness shown to him by arcetri and i think it just kept on going until they were both in Love and to alistair i think arcetri is just an example of someone who got dealt a shitty hand but still manages to be incredibly lovable and be (for the most part) a good person. he also knows that arcetri looks at him in a similar light and i think he just really wants to move on from everything that was the blight and just kinda like . start over if it’s even rly possible anymore but he wants to at least try w arcetri bc she was there for him when everything was Awful and he thinks that they both deserve something better so they might as well like…try to make things work 

[inside-aut-blog]

Autistic Caleb Widogast

Part Five

Episodes 41-50

E41:

awkward and formal during the conversation with caduceus, & ends it abruptly with “okay i feel like shit so i’m going to bed”; arguably liam is narrating rather than having caleb say this out loud but consider: it’s funnier if caleb actually says it & also it would be entirely in-character, so

“i feel like a fool much of the time” mmmmmm mood

caleb asks, abt jester magically filling his hands w/water, “is this a custom??” & believes it when she unconvincingly says yes

E42:

caleb struggles to switch over to the codenames & when he does manage to avoid using proper names, it’s through the whole “the blue one” sort of deal that he uses to avoid saying the names of ppl not present

can we claim that all-nighter w/the cipher for some sweet sweet autistic hyperfocus? bc i would like to do the that

E44:

uses the same phrasing over & over when asking for permission to use suggestion on nott– “if you will allow me”

E45:

caleb looks real uncomfy every time twiggy does a physical affection

E46:

“lotta books. lotta books lotta books” echo echo echo times

talks even more monotone than usual for nearly the entire episode

E47:

“caleb sits down in the muck”; mmmmmm he does the whole crash-on-the-spot thing whenever he gets real hurt, and none of the others rly do except beau (who’s also autistic), so it makes me think of shutdowns

caleb seems to have not understood or internalized what nott told him before abt her past, & asks the same questions multiple times in different ways over the course of the conversation; seems slow to process this Feelings-Flavored Information, & that in turn………seems autistic

E48:

caleb: what about outside the chateau, did u go out to play? jester: no caleb: …….well let’s see if they have books inside!

the entire improv poetry sequence, but esp. the end where he just runs out of brain & bluntly goes “i want to leave now”

caleb, on the differences between the tower and a dick: one is a building

jester: do u want any company like someone to watch over ur shoulder while u read maybe ;)))) caleb, missing the subtext: i will feel a little uncomfortable…who are we talking about. you??

nott: caleb will know what to say beau [paraphrased]: he isn’t good at….ppl

goes semiverbal when yussa first addresses him, twice says “mm”

“i really don’t like dogs i’m sorry” sensory bad probably, bc dogs are loud

“i don’t people very well, all right, it’s been a long time since i had a lot of practice” needing practice to people well? autistique

very agitated stimming during that conversation w/beau

halting speech also; sounds like he was still semiverbal but forcing himself to talk anyway

going to go scream at the trees afterward bc emotional overload

nonverbal during the whole bit with nott

would u like some shutdown w/ur panic attack & dissociation

E49:

avoids eye contact for most of the Emotional Discussion, & then at one particular point makes Significant & Pointed Eye Contact W/Beau

takes a Long Time to work up the words for the conversation; semiverbal….hard time talking abt emotions……………….

E50:

awkwardly compliments beau abt her smut-reading skills

[secretly-a-ghost]

my best internet homies 4 life @emofuel and @phalaenopsis-ex-machina both tagged me in question things on more or less the same day last week and I’m going to do them both in one post

(Ais’s questions first because she tagged me first)

1. Are you named after anyone? no but there is coincidentally someone a few generations back with my name (I think on my mom’s side), my parents just didn’t know when they named me asdkfjasf

2. Last time you cried? it is a mystery

3. Do you have any kids? nooo

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? maybe with my family, but overall I don’t think so

5. What is the first thhing u notice about people? maybe how old they appear to be

6. What’s your eye color? greeeen

7. Scary movie ending or happy ending? I like scary movies but happy endings are nice

8. Any special talents? I’m still thinking about this one but I don’t want to delay posting this any longer, I’ll edit it later hopefully asdlkfjalkf

9. Where were you born? in Chris’s words, “fucking Death Noise, USA (aka: Yakima, WA)”

10. Hobbies? music, watching things, climbing things

11.Do you have any pets? nooo :c

12. What sports have you played? I did track in high school, that’s about it

13. How tall are you? 6′1″

14. Favorite subject in school? Art!

15. Dream job? ideally I’d like to make music or write stuff but that’s most likely never happening for a lot of reasons, which is okay

Now Rai’s questions!

Nicknames: I like going by just s lately, also some people used to call me Napalm Seth and Chris still does occasionally adfkjsfkdf

Zodiac: don’t worry about it

Height: 185 cm

Hogwarts house: I’m going to be real with you, if I ever knew this I forgot long ago and I’m not about to find out now

Last thing I googled: brainbombs agony

Favourite musicians: I’ll follow Rai’s lead and name individuals this time as opposed to bands Weston Czerkies (Sunken Cheek, Lace, Goddaughter) Omar Gonzalez (Rectal Hygienics, Machismo, No Dreams) Justin [shit fuck I can’t think of his last name] (Shredded Nerve, Pusdrainer, Muck)

Song stuck in my head: 

Following: 20

Followers: 202, there are at least a couple of bots I’ve been meaning to block though

Do you get asks: every so often

Amount of sleep: usually eight-ish / more like three or four when it’s actually important to be well rested the next day alsdkfjasd

Lucky number: 1312 ov course

What you’re wearing: black pants, Abigail Williams shirt

Dream job: a realistic one this time: something involving driving is what I see myself being most happy with for the time being

Dream trip: I’ve thought about this one a lot and have been unable to come up with any place in particular, but I’d love to go on a trip anywhere with friends (but also it would be gr8 to see the Sedlec Ossuary)

Instruments: guitar, like barely

Languages: rly only English. I took Spanish and ASL in school and have been wanting to pick up ASL again and learn more ;_;

Favourite songs: aaaaa I don’t really think about favorites much but here are some I’ve listened to obsessively in the past month or so Sons of Perdition - Psalm of Sandcreek Melt-Banana - Cracked Plaster Cast (this one in particular rules so hard, if you don’t listen to Melt-Banana you’re fucking up) Mass Marriage - Secrets Swallowing Bile - Tainted Vision HTRK - Rentboy City Hunter - Streets of Blood

Random fact: uhhhh sometimes when I open a new tab and forget what I was going to do, I type “trees” while I’m trying to remember. I have no idea why

mutuals do this (if you wish)

[muslimsonic]

ADHD: Executive Dysfunction

Alright, so I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff about how people struggle with understanding what ADHD is, how it operates, and how it differs from the experiences of the middle 50% [25%-75%] considered the average. And I didn’t research ADHD for 9 hours straight not to dump all of this here.

Note: I have ADHD, I’ve researched this, but I am not a medical professional blah blah blah ok now onto the fun interesting stuff!!!! 

I put this under a cut bc its,,,, longish.

What is executive functioning?

Executive functioning is what carries you from day to day tasks. It’s like the constantly active personal assistant in the back of your head. Let’s call them Effie. Effie constantly makes lists and breaks down tasks for you! I don’t mean large projects, I mean the simple stuff!

Like doing your laundry.

If you have ADHD, or anything with executive dysfunction as an issue, then you probably already know that the simple stuff hardly ever feels simple.

Doing your laundry requires many motions, most of which you omit in listing what you must do to complete this task.

Someone with executive functions in working order, probably

1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine

2. Put the laundry in the washing machine

3. Put the detergent in the machine

4. Turn on the machine

5. When it is ready, put the clothes in the dryer

6. Collect the clothes when finished

7. Take them back to your room

8. Fold and put away

Tada! All done. There are quite a few steps omitted that you would consider givens. However, try and apply this precise list to someone with executive dysfunction, and you will most likely not have the same success, because of the number of places where steps conflict, being thrown out in favor of what is done immediately. Here’s a small idea of how many cracks are in this plan, even at step one:

1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine

When?> I’ll do it after I finish what I’m doing > Oh no I just remembered something else > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes for work/school/whatever > MISSION FAILED

When?> Someone else is using the washing machine now, i’ll do it later > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes :( > MISSION FAILED

Why? > I have enough clothes right now, I’ll be fine > Oh no I ran out of clean socks + underwear > MISSION FAILED

What?> There’s no detergent so I can’t do this  > (at the grocery store) I think i have everything! > Oh no i forgot detergent > I have no clean clothes :( > MISSION FAILED

When?> I have too much free time so I’ll do it after I take care of this other thing that’s equally important > Oh no I forgot to do my laundry I don’t have anything to wear > MISSION FAILED

In what order? > There’s too much to do and they are all registered in my head as permanently equal priority so I have to do them all at the same time, but I can’t do them all at the same time, so I physically am unable to proceed until this loop/error is resolved.

What extra steps are involved?> Huh i know i have to take my laundry to the washing machine, but there’s also stuff in the washing machine area/on the way there that needs to be moved in order to do it, but I haven’t thought of that, instead seeing metaphorically an indistinct looming mass of extra equal priority work around taking my laundry to the washing machine > I don’t do it > MISSION FAILED

And that’s only a few of the cracks in step one.

See the problem?

Let’s take a closer look at how deep it goes. Do you know how much you rely on executive functioning in your day to day life? Yes? No? How did you get out of bed this morning? How did you open your eyes? Everything you do, even running away from something chasing you, is dependent on executive functioning. Memory. Recall. Starting anything, and I mean anything. Breaking down what needs to be done. You’re so used to it, you see a lot of the steps as givens not needed to be stated. When do you do this? What priority level is this? Every success you’ve had in your life, you would not have had without your executive functioning.

It’s the messenger, sending signals from the hub, recall this, you have to do this, this task is more important than this, this is what you’re going to do. It translates thought into action, idea into concept into reality. It’s the Director, streamlining things, going into crisis management when you make a major mistake or fail to do something, or have something due, or or or. Granted, executive functions aren’t the be all end all of human success, but they are to you as a foundation is to a building.

Scary to think what would happen if it just

stopped.

You could think all you want, of course. You need to do this. You want to do that. You scream and rail and fight against a prison of your own unresponsive limbs.

There’s nothing physically wrong with your limbs. They are in perfect working order. Or at least as working as they had been before. There’s no reason for you to feel like this. You feel like your brain is setting itself on fire in its attempts to send it messages to get a response any kind of fucking response. You feel hopeless. You gain no mental traction. You gain nothing but your own hatred and frustration and gain the same of others too.

Because they think you’re faking it. That you just don’t want to do it hard enough. That you just need to apply yourself.

The thing is, you’ve been trying. Your mind is a car in a swamp, uselessly running its wheels to no avail, sinking deeper and deeper into the muck. You are straining as hard as you possibly can. There’s no more gas in the tank. You have nothing left to give.

And you have nothing to show for it.

In this hell, you’ve accomplished nothing. You’ve succeeded at nothing. Nothing you do, nothing you say, and nothing you want can ever happen in this moment.

You almost feel like dying. But you can’t. You can’t, not because of will to live, not because of hope, and not because of love, but because you cannot get your limbs to remember what motion is, your brain to remember the past, and your heart to remember restraint. Frustration, anger, hatred, all of the ugliest emotions the soul has to offer spill over. You feel like you can never be happy again. That you’ve never felt happy before. That this awful feeling crawling into the crevices of your lungs and trachea and curling its way around your stomach and spleen is what you will feel like for the rest of your life.

And then you forget. You forget everything that got you to that point. the wave recedes. you feel nothing. you remember only blurs of what occurred at best. only to experience the same fucking thing again, and again, and again and its always as raw and drowning as the first time you felt it, you never grow used to it, and it will never stop, it will never cease, and no one believes you when you say you are trying. You are a soul inside a vessel that doesn’t want to be yours.

anyways! while this may seem like an extreme, the last few paragraphs are a pretty solid descriptor of how living with executive dysfunction feels like! this is also a solid reason why people with ADHD are more likely to have anxiety and depression! the same thing is characteristic of people with disorders that have executive dysfunction as a symptom!

so TL;DR: Executive Dysfunction is not the same as laziness; it is a fundamental difference in the brain structure and wiring or a deficiency in neurotransmitter production.

speaking of that, moving onto the physiological side of executive dysfunction! Yes! There’s actually a physiological side to ADHD! Pretty sure that’s a characteristic of all brain disorders illnesses and the like but people still say its fake! :D

ok i’m getting tired so heres the rundown:

lower catecholamine levels: catecholamine is a class of neurotransmitter that includes fun stuff like

Dopamine: the motivation sauce

Seratonin: Happy Happy Happy

Adrenaline: you put this in epipens. fight or flight

Noradrenaline: also fight or flight. includes attention as well. at higher levels, anxiety. Thanks, God.

Its bad. bc the body’s natural reward system (dopamine) isn’t at normal levels, the nice little feel good kick after you make your bed or brush your teeth?? nope!!!!!!! Thus there is little internal motivation to do anything. WOW!!! How did adhd get passed down in the gene pool???? is it recessive?? bc im rly at a loss. idk someone with a medical degree in brain science dm me abt it. I rly need to understand.

Also the frontal lobe, y’know the thing controlling judgment, morals, impulses, emotions, all of that fun stuff???? it’s usually behind in development, typically evening out mid to late twenties, but its still,,,,, not Great. Wow!!

White matter abnormalities are apparently a thing too?? White matter is the brains messaging system so when that’s messed up I’m pretty sure thats not a good thing.

anyways, i’m tired now, its been 2 hrs since i’ve started writing this and I have a metric ton of things that I needed to start but didn’t, so

TL;DR: ADHD (and by further extent, executive dysfunction)has a basis in science and has physiological stuff associated with it that (i think since MRIs aren’t being used to diagnose adhd) is just being studied recently, and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh google exists use it b4 getting into arguments abt the existence of disorders and such. plz. im begging you.

[wayfaringmd]

Errybody so stressed out...

The world is so incredibly huge and there's so much I want to see and do and learn. Whilst I make a lot of experiences in medicine I could never have otherwise, it's also very time consuming. Sometimes as I sit over my books I worry that medicine will prevent me from discovering the world more than it allows me to learn about it. It just stresses me out that I may never get a year off to travel the world or that I'll be so tired after work every day that I'll just slump down in front of the tv. - anon

See the cool thing about medicine is that it compensates you well enough that if you’re smart with your money and your time, you can take time off and travel the world. You could go practice medicine on a volunteer basis overseas and experience new cultures. Medicine can be the thing you use to explore the world rather than keeping you from it. Also you can tailor your hours and schedule to get the work/life balance you want. Yes, you have to put in crazy hours in training, but it’s not a requirement once you’re out in the real world. But also, remember that there are careers in medicine besides being a doctor that will allow for a better work/life balance, so don’t rule out those options either.  -WMD

Hiya W! I'm having a bit of trouble at the moment, I just feel lost. I'm 2/3 through my degree, and I have spent my time mucking around or struggling with the work, and getting marks that won't allow me into medicine. I've struggled with what to I want to do, and I've realised too late that my heart is set on med. I live in a country where weighted entry to med exists (sig harder for me to get in), and large emphasis is placed on grades. I don't rly know what I'm asking, but do you have advice:) - anon

Hmm, I’m not sure if I have any great advice because I don’t know how the systems work in other countries. But is it possible for you to apply in another country? Or take some time to re-do some classes and bring your grades up? Is there another medical-type career you can pursue with your current grades? Have you looked into all your options? And if this is something you are dead set on, are you willing to give up the time it may take to remediate and start some things over so you can make the better grades? -WMD

I'm a pre-med and doing okay-ish academically. Only thing is I got 2 test grades back that are less than stunning. I know the obvious answer is to stop wallowing in self-pity and work harder. Problem is, getting a poor grade makes me so ashamed, I shy away from the class. It's been this way since high school -- I would get a bad grade and just want to hide. I know it'll get worse-- Orgo is on the horizon, med school is rough, and being an MD is harsh. How do I lose this attitude & push forward? -anon

Here friend, this is the post for you. Read it, meditate on it, print it out and put it on your dorm wall next to your Bob Marley poster. And then when you’ve been working hard and you lose your motivation to study, check out this post. 

Two test grades are not the end of your life or career. Ask any med student or doctor on Tumblr--we all got bad test grades here and there. You need to figure out a more healthy place to get your self worth besides some numbers a teacher gives you, and focus on doing your best and not worrying about the number so much. 

[velteris]

FOLLOW-UP HELL CAMP STORIES AS I REMEMBER THEM just taking a trip down memory lane

the third night of hike when we’d arrived at our campsite a possum got into someone’s hiking bag and filched their trail mix. that kid opened up their bag and out shot a grey blur from hell, zigzagging thru the camp maniacally, trail mix trailing out of the plastic bag between its teeth

did u know the worst sensation in the world is actually being ankle-deep in pig shit???? we had these giant rubber wellies but since they were one size fits all i was tripping over every leaf that crossed my path and when ur wading around trying to muck out the pens without Angering the Pigs (who can and will bite u) u do not need that extra suffering

someone??? threw their underwear into the laundry machine with a pad still attached???? listen pls teach your kids how to handle their hygienic products before 27 other kids have to deal with it

no one knows whose it was in the end

that, and other miscellaneous items of clothing with some kind of shame attached to it (socks with FORBIDDEN NAIL POLISH, underwear with QUESTIONABLE STAINS, a shirt that made everything else SMELL LIKE HORSE POO), were abandoned in the laundry room, never to be claimed

ok u know how sometimes u find ur dishes are still nasty with crusty food on it and then the whole family plays the blame game of “who washed the dishes last night”? imagine that but with 28 pissed-off girls with varying standards of hygiene

we lit a bonfire and a floating piece of ash or smth burnt a hole in my shirt and 12yo me was So Embarrassed by this tiny hole that didn’t even show my bra strap that she refused to take her jacket off when wearing the shirt thereafter. even while running the 3km in the morning. Suffering(tm)

on survival they gave ur group points for making “furniture” (read: shitty hot-cross-buns layouts) and one of my friends got a wee bit ambitious and tried to make a rack to hang our hiking bags on, and we hooked the bags on a long branch and then wedged the ends between two trees. then we realised we’d put the bags too high to actually access them,

mmmMMM when your morning chore is making the bread and MMMHMMMMMMM THE SMELL

there was a shitty rock climbing wall at the farm. i have no idea why, since they took us all out to hike halfway up a mountain and do actual rock climbing and abseiling

actually you had a choice between rock climbing and tree climbing! tree climbing doesn’t sound very exciting. but apparently it was a Really Big Tree?? like, fit ten people at a go on it while climbing tree???

also in the past there was a choice between the camping survival and log rafting. literally you made your raft out of logs and went down a river and got eaten alive by mosquitoes. what the fuck

they actually had this rly nice thing going where each group that came to the farm did a renovation or building project? so they’d stamp your project with your class and your year and u would be forever memorialised there :’) which is kind of. intimidating when ur walking down the stairs of the girl’s dormitory house and you see a plaque like “Class 9D, 1988″ and u realise Children Built Your Dining Room

incidentally ours was renovating the old outdoors chapel which meant a lot of brush clearing and coordinated hauling of logs

there were baby chicks!! from the chickens!!! a boy stepped on one and killed it in the fourth week and then we weren’t allowed into the chicken coop without supervision after that

honestly so much wild interpersonal shit happened on that camp... i came out for the first time to a friend... friendship groups were made and broken over who gave who their flapjacks on hike... two boys were caught grinding on each other in the forest next to their dorm...

in the past a girl tried to use this ancient BBQ thing as a hair straightener

also in the past some boys tried to toast pork chops and nearly caused a fire

four shower stalls, 28 girls, and just under an hour of showering time every day unless you got up early.

in the last week one of my chores was helping lay out the electric wire for the cattle paddocks and the supervising counselor was just casually “yeah dont do [X] or you’ll get electrocuted and we probably won’t be able to get you to the hospital in time it’s like a half hour drive”

im pretty sure Prince William got married while we were at camp?? the news came and half the kids started yelling they were so excited that was Wild

also during my return trip two years or so later Australia changed prime ministers while we were away and we didn’t know until we came back so that was Wild too

it was a bit too early for people to be mailing memes to their friends at camp (tho im sure it’s happening now) but i distinctly remember one girl freaking the FUCK out because either mortal instruments or hush, hush had a new book out

when u reading ur friends’ letters and they’re sending u all that year 9 gossip from back home and it’s like three days late every time but you’re still “OOOOH” over it with your fellow camp inhabitants

for one month after my group got back we were the Stars of our cohort because we were the first to go to hell camp and everyone wanted to know what it was like so we all pretended to be Mysterious and Enlightened, shaking our heads kindly... “You’ll see when you get there...”