#the ONLY person who has told me ANYTHING during the entire process of trying to get top surgery

[anotherfandomok]

Appreciation post for Karen from scheduling

[cherienymphe]

The Less I Know The Better (JJ Maybank x Reader x Rafe Cameron)

Warnings: eventual NON-CON, eventual DUB-CON, violence, public sex, jealousy, underage drinking, drug use, manipulation, eventual loss of virginity, mild unhealthy relationship, one sided kiara x jj, non canon ages, pogue!reader

➥ banner by @vase-of-lilies​ | divider by @firefly-graphics​

➥ series masterlist

summary:  When you start dating Rafe Cameron, no one is more surprised than you when your best friend JJ takes it really well. However, no one is more surprised than JJ when he’s forced to see his once frumpy BFF in an entirely new light, suddenly terrified of losing what he never knew he had to the person he hates most.

~

You stood in front of your friends, hands clasped together at your front as they all just…stared. The silence was awkward, lasting for a few seconds as they marinated on what you’d just told them. Pope was slowly blinking, like he was trying to actually process the words. John B. looked like you’d just asked him to divide 5,674 by 2 in his head. Kie’s lips were parted in slight shock, and JJ… JJ looked like you’d just told him the worst joke in the world.

But they all sported a deep frown on their faces.

Sarah was the only one who didn’t react, arms folded over her chest as she stared past you, long prepared for this conversation. Once the short and tense silence was over, they all seemed to react at once, telepathically deciding that you were playing some sort of prank on them. You pressed your lips together as they laughed.

“Y/N, you know April isn’t for like…another year, right?” Kie said with a chuckle, looking relieved at what she thought was only a joke.

You resisted the urge to sigh, dropping your hands.

“I’m not joking.”

“You have to be,” John B. cried with a smile, looking to Sarah. “Sarah, come on. Are you in on this?”

It was only when Sarah didn’t say anything, coolly staring back at her boyfriend, did they all understand the seriousness of what you were saying. One by one, their voices and smiles seemed to die, looking between you and Sarah. This was the part you dreaded the most, the part where they finally believed and accepted that you were dating Rafe.

Rafe Cameron.

“What?”

You closed your eyes at the sound of an all too familiar voice, his tone lowering to a point that you only witnessed when he got really mad. When you opened your eyes, you kept your gaze on the floor, refusing to look up until you gathered your thoughts.

“Sarah?”

Kie.

“Y/N…?”

Pope.

“It’s…true,” Sarah finally spoke up, and your eyes briefly met hers. “It was a lot to process at first, but…Y/N and my brother are dating, and I’m okay with it.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” JJ said, jumping to his feet, having not expected that. “What do you mean you’re okay with it? What do you mean you’re dating Rafe?”

He was talking to you now, walking towards you, and you almost regretted turning down Rafe’s offer to be here during this lovely conversation. There was no doubt in your mind that it would be a lot worse with him present. JJ’s eyes were wide, gaze pleading for you to say something, say anything that would make it untrue.

“He likes me…and…it turns out that I like him too.”

JJ’s eyebrows rose at that, and you almost felt like you were on the other end of a scolding.

“For his personality?” Kie asked, disgusted.

“I was surprised too,” you murmured.

John B. had his palms pressed together, hands pressed against his mouth, and Pope had his arms crossed, still fighting to process all of this. JJ opened and closed his mouth, struggling to say something before deciding on gently grabbing your arm and pulling you away.

“How long has this been going on?” he whispered.

He wasn’t as quiet as he intended, and Pope spoke up, having heard.

“Yeah, how long has this been going on?”

“It’s still new,” you addressed the room, and JJ’s frown deepened.

“That didn’t exactly answer the question,” he said, resting his hands on his hips.

You knew that everyone was waiting for your answer, and you glanced over, watching as Sarah gestured to you, letting you know that this one was on you. You sighed, glancing away.

“A few weeks.”

You ignored the reactions, choosing instead to hesitantly lift your gaze to meet JJ’s. His face had fallen, and your own heart clenched at the hurt in his eyes, knowing exactly the reason why.

“A few weeks?” he slowly repeated, voice soft.

You didn’t say anything.

“…and you didn’t tell me?”

You glanced down, trying to find a way to nicely explain your fear of his overreaction. You and JJ told each other everything. It had been that way your entire lives, and as far as you knew, this was the first secret between you two. If you were in his position, you knew you’d feel hurt too, but you both also knew what he was like.

With that thought, you shrugged, gesturing to him with a pointed look.

“Okay,” he relented, running his hands through his hair with a nod. “I get it. Kind of…proving you right, right now.”

He huffed, looking out of the window. You frowned at the way his jaw clenched, some blond strands falling back into his face.

“You’re my best friend,” you told him, and he rolled his eyes. “…and if it wasn’t for the fact that Sarah is his sister, you would’ve been the first person I told.”

“It’s true,” Sarah chimed in from across the room. “She wanted my approval and everything before she even agreed to go on a date with him.”

JJ looked like he was going to be ill at that, but he swallowed it down, shaking his head.

“I know we don’t have the best history with him…”

You trailed off, shrinking in on yourself as JJ gave you a look that could’ve soured milk.

“That is an extremely mild way of putting it,” you heard Pope slowly whisper.

Everyone was silent, the room so quiet that you could’ve heard a pin drop. No one was saying anything, watching and waiting for JJ’s reaction, and you knew why. Sure, they all were your best friends, but JJ was your best friend. You and John B. still argued sometimes over who was his first friend.

You’d grown up together, practically since you both could walk. He looked out for you in ways that your brother should have before he took off, the only reason you’d been able to weather middle and high school. Bitchy teenage girls didn’t like to bother you when JJ was around, and he was always around.

There’d been so many times where you’d felt beyond guilty at having to rely on him to protect you from the world. Having to crash at his place or wear his jacket or have him fight whatever battles you were too chicken to fight yourself. It didn’t matter to you that he was happy to do all of that, but just the mere fact that he even had to.

JJ wasn’t just your best friend, but your very own protector.

Everyone knew it, and everyone knew just how protective he could get over the closest thing he had to a sister. It was his reaction that mattered the most, because even though it was Sarah’s approval you felt you needed, it was JJ’s that you wanted. And no one would say it aloud, especially you, but there seemed to be an unspoken opinion that if he was absolutely against it, you and Rafe wouldn’t be lasting very long.

You suspected that JJ knew it too, and he let out the longest sigh.

“You really like him?” he finally asked, the most disgusted frown on his face.

“Yes,” you told him without hesitation, and JJ seemed to be dreading that.

His lips parted before he pressed them together, dragging his bottom one between his teeth as he reached up to clasp his hands on the back of his neck. His gaze rested on the ceiling, seemingly fighting with himself. You watched him blink a few times before he lowered his head back down, a deep frown on his face as he held your gaze.

“…and…he’s good to you?”

You couldn’t stop your smile, and JJ grimaced.

“Yes!”

JJ rolled his eyes like he found that hard to believe, and his head drooped.

“Don’t do it, man,” you heard John B. loudly whisper, accompanied by Pope’s soft ‘be strong’.

JJ exhaled, dropping his hands and straightening. He tilted his head at you, face entirely unamused as he pressed his hands together.

“Well, if you’re happy…then I will try to be happy for you-.”

JJ didn’t even finish his sentence before you pulled him into a hug. He didn’t return it, but you didn’t care, and you looked over at Sarah with a wide grin. Kie looked somewhat shocked, blowing out a breath.

“It’s official, I guess.”

“You’re actually dating Rafe,” John B. said, dazed by this turn of events.

JJ eventually hugged you back.

“He’s not that bad, guys, really…”

This was when JJ pulled away with a noise of disgust, and you laughed.

“I’m serious. You have to admit that he’s so much better than what he used to be,” you pointed out, and Pope thought it over, reluctantly agreeing.

“I take it you have something to do with that?” JJ murmured, searching John B.’s fridge for a beer.

“Unknowingly, but yes.”

“How did this even start?” Kie asked, and all the guys made noises of protest.

“I’d rather you girls giggle about that with each other. I, for one, want to be spared the details,” Pope spoke up, and Kie hit him with a pillow.

“Fine. We’ll happily talk about that some other time. I’m just happy this went so much better than I expected,” you said, plopping down in a chair. “…and to think Rafe actually wanted to be here for this.”

“Thank God you said no,” Sarah commented, in agreement with you on that.

When JJ sat back down, you were relieved that the conversation moved onto something else. You’d been so worried that things would be weird, and now you were confident that they wouldn’t be. You were dating Rafe, and nothing had to change, and that put a small smile on your face. You softly chuckled to yourself, and when you glanced up, your eyes met familiar baby blue’s.

You threw JJ a thankful smile, a silent conversation passing between you to promise to talk more about this later. JJ brought the beer up to his lips, gaze unwavering as he stared at you over the bottle. When he lowered it, he reluctantly returned your smile.

“You know I think this is the worst thing ever, right?”

“JJ, please,” you begged, warming up some leftovers.

It was hours later when the group dispersed and went their separate ways, and in true fashion, JJ tagged along with you to your house. Both of your parents were at work, and it wasn’t unordinary for either or both of them to get home late into the night. He usually kept you company on nights like that.

“I’m just saying,” he defended, hands up.

While you knew that JJ accepted this for your sake and because he knew how much it meant to you, you also knew you were going to get an earful the minute you were alone.

“Walk me through this, please,” he continued, hopping to sit on your counter. “Rafe an asshole to us for years, some of us get into literal physical fights with Rafe, Rafe confess he like you, you like him back, you date.”

You turned around, sending him a soft glare to let him know you didn’t find him funny.

“What else am I supposed to think?” he wondered in response to that, raising an eyebrow at you.

You looked down at the change in his voice.

“We’re best friends, and I know that I hate the guy, but… I love you more than I hate him.”

You looked up at that, and JJ’s face was surprisingly serious.

“…and I wish you would’ve told me. Even if I was angry for a whole week, not only do I think I have that right, but I would’ve gotten over it.”

“Really…?”

JJ sighed, hopping down and looking through your mom’s wine.

“We don’t keep secrets. Not us,” he said, finding something that piqued his interest. “…and if you had told me you had the hots for Rafe Cameron, I probably would’ve tried to slap some sense into you, sure, but that’s just us.”

You found this kind of relieving to hear, nibbling on your food. When he didn’t say anything else, you looked up to find him staring at you. He was struggling to open the bottle, but his gaze was on you.

“Well…?”

You frowned.

“Well, what?”

“Tell me how this happened.”

“Oh my God,” you groaned. “JJ, really?”

“Yes, really! You’ve be sneaking around with my mortal enemy for weeks, and I want to know how it even got to that.”

“Mortal enemy,” you scoffed, but you knew he wasn’t going to let it go. “When I said that I unintentionally had something to do with Rafe being just a little bit nicer to us lately, it was the truth.”

JJ, with a now open bottle, was pouring some wine in a glass.

“It sort of started when I was covering one of Kie’s shifts one day at The Wreck,” you told him. “He was surprisingly cordial, and I didn’t think anything of it, but I just seemed to keep running into him after that.”

“Stalker,” JJ mumbled, and you threw a ketchup packet at him.

“He was going out of his way to talk to me, to be nice to me, and considering this is Rafe, I definitely noticed.”

You weren’t looking at JJ now, staring past him as you thought about the day Rafe finally asked you out.

“We ran into each other at the beach one day…he apologized for how shitty he’d been in the past…and he told me that he’d been thinking about asking me out for a while,” you softly said. “I didn’t believe him, of course. I thought it was some nasty prank.”

Your tone shifted at that, and you didn’t need to look over to know that JJ’s eyes were on you. It wouldn’t have been the first time you got asked out as a joke, laughed at when you happily said yes or even humiliated when you got stood up. You’d never had good luck with guys, and JJ punching all of those assholes in the face never made you feel better.

You were just never the girl guys wanted to date.

“Then he started bringing me flowers…helping me carry groceries home. He even fixed that shotty gutter that my dad had been working on for months.”

When your eyes met JJ’s, they were wide, seemingly shocked at all of this.

“I finally accepted that he liked me,” you said with a shrug. “…and without even realizing it, over the course of months, I had started to like him too.”

Long having decided that the wine was disgusting, JJ turned the glass upside down in the sink, a slight frown on his face as he listened to all of this.

“I hated it, at first for obvious reasons. It’s like you said, he’s been an asshole to us for years. You guys have gotten into so many fights, and I felt like the worst friend-.”

“Hey, no,” JJ hurried to say, moving towards you. “You’re not.”

“…but I felt like it,” you tearfully said. “I kept thinking what could be wrong with me to like a guy like this.”

Your gaze found your feet.

“I kept thinking about what you guys would say and think of me, and it was driving me crazy,” you confessed. “…but I couldn’t ignore how sweet he’d been, how genuine…how vulnerable.”

When you looked at JJ again, his face was blank, no hint of humor as he intently listened to you and this side of Rafe he probably didn’t even want to know existed.

“I really like him JJ,” you choked out. “…and I don’t expect you guys to get along, but…I’m happy that you will try.”

The blond was silent for what felt like a long time, glancing away as his shoulders drooped.

“You don’t even date,” he finally groaned.

“Well, I had to start sometime!”

“With Rafe? Of all people?” he whined to himself. “…and, of course, you really like the guy.”

You rolled your eyes, just pleased that he was taking this well.

“If it was just sex or something, okay. Maybe I could get past that, but you’re talking about a relationship. With Rafe.”

“You promised to be happy for me,” you reminded him.

“I know, I did,” he said. “I just have to be really annoying about it first.”

“You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t.”

He waved you off, deciding to comb through your fridge for leftovers. As he did, you thought about how much relief you felt. The rest of the group knowing definitely took a weight off of your chest, but you weren’t completely relaxed until after your talk with JJ. He meant the world to you, and knowing his true thoughts and feelings put you at ease.

You hadn’t lied to him when you told him how torn up you’d been for months.

You were the last person in the world you ever expected Rafe to be interested in. While you didn’t exactly think you were that same girl you were in high school, you didn’t think you were anything to run home about either. You hated admitting it, but you thought Rafe was out of your league, so the knowledge that he liked you and you liked him back had sent you into a stressful downward spiral that had yet to be topped.

Boys didn’t even pay attention to you, let alone like you, so you’d been out of your element. If he’d been any other guy, you would’ve run to Kie and Sarah for advice immediately, but considering that Rafe was the guy in question, you’d been forced to cope on your own. Coincidental meetups at the beach and hushed conversations at The Wreck when Kie wasn’t around had finally wore you down.

Rafe excited you in a way that no one ever had before. He was always so intense, hanging onto your every word. He showered you with compliments and little gifts that you weren’t used to. He was always asking questions, wanting to know everything about you, and to put it plainly… Rafe made you feel like the only girl in the world.

You’d never known what that felt like.

And that was exactly what you’d told Sarah when you couldn’t take it anymore. Her eyes had been wide for various reasons, in disbelief as you tearfully spilled your guts to her behind her house one day. You couldn’t stop crying, so unsure of what to do, and the relief you’d felt as she had pulled you into a hug was palpable.

“Do you like him? I mean, really like him?”

Her hands had been on your shoulders, forcing you to look her in the eye.

“Yeah,” you had tearfully answered with a nod. “I like him a lot. I’m sorry, Sarah.”

“Don’t…don’t apologize for that,” she’d said with a sympathetic frown. “Rafe’s an ass, but… I’ve always kind of hoped someone would come along and tame him. I suspected for months that someone had, but I never would’ve guessed it’d be my best friend.”

You had sniffled.

“So…you’re not- you’re not mad?” you wondered, wiping your face.

“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “Look at you! You’re a mess! How can I be mad at you when you’re this torn up about it? Plus, you’re doing right by me and talking to me about it first.”

She hugged you.

“…and you see something in my brother that’s worth trying for. I can’t be mad at that,” she had whispered into your ear.

Your first date with Rafe had been that same weekend, and it had been everything you could’ve wanted for your first date ever. He’d made you feel pretty and comfortable and special. Sarah had helped pick the dress out, helped with your hair, and had stopped you from cancelling on him several times.

“What do I even say to a guy I’m on a date with?” you had whispered.

Sarah had paused mid-braid, eyes softening as they met yours in her mirror, understanding in them. She’d sent you an encouraging smile.

“Whatever you want. Rafe likes you for you, and that’s who you should be.”

She had made it sound so simple, and you were loathed to admit that it had been. You had wanted to tell the rest of your friends, especially JJ, almost immediately, but you kept chickening out. The longer it went on, the more nervous you got, and Rafe would notice.

“You have to eat something, babe,” he’d say when he noticed the way you’d just been pushing your food around at some fancy restaurant he’d taken you to in Charlotte.

“What if they hate me?”

“Then they’re even worse than I already thought they were.”

“Rafe,” you’d quietly cry, and he’d chuckle, taking your hand. “You’re not helping.”

He’d roll his blue eyes, dirty blond hair kissing his forehead.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? If things get a little rowdy…”

He’d trail off, and you’d shake your head.

“Believe me, that would just make things worse. JJ would love nothing more than to blame you for ‘corrupting’ me, and with you being right there, it would make it so much easier for him,” you sighed. “It has to be me. I have to make them understand that I really like you, and I wanted this.”

A smirk would dance along Rafe’s pink lips, and he’d lean in to brush them against yours.

“Damn right, you do.”

You put your bowl into the sink, faintly listening to JJ’s words as he talked about something wrong with his bike. As much as you grew to care about Rafe, no. You were sure that if JJ had been vehemently against it, you didn’t think you could go on dating him in peace. As a friend, you felt you had needed Sarah’s approval, but JJ meant the world to you, and his was the one you desperately wanted.

No one was more relieved than you when you got it.

“I told you,” you happily sighed, flopping down onto his bed. “You weren’t needed.”

If you didn’t know any better, you’d say that Rafe was a little miffed you were right. He leaned against his wall, arms crossed over his chest as he eyed you while you stared at the ceiling, kicking your legs.

“I won’t lie, I was worried, but everyone has grudgingly accepted what will be this new normal.”

“Uh huh,” you heard him say. “Everyone…?”

He was moving closer now, and before you could sit up, Rafe joined you. He crawled over you, chin resting on your stomach, and you looked down at him as he looked up at you. You played with his hair, pushing it back and running your fingers through it.

“Yes, everyone.”

He was silent for a moment.

“Even JJ?”

“Yes, even JJ,” you said with a chuckle. “He still hates you, for sure, and definitely thinks I need some sense slapped into me, but he’s happy if I’m happy.”

Rafe hummed at that, and you frowned at him. There was something on his mind, you could see it in his eyes, and you sat up, forcing him to too.

“What? What is it?”

Rafe never hesitated to speak his mind, even when you didn’t necessarily want him to, so his silence now was a little off-putting. He pressed his lips together, reaching for you and trailing a finger down your bare arm. You had dumped your jacket somewhere in his room earlier.

“You’re thinking something,” you accused.

“I’m thinking a lot of things,” he huskily whispered, eyes meeting yours with a wolfish grin on his lips.

You lightly hit him.

“Rafe! Tell me…”

He dramatically exhaled, leaning in and softly pressing his lips to your neck. He kissed along your skin, nose brushing over you, and you shuddered. Rafe was intense and borderline overwhelming for a lot of reasons, but in moments like this, especially so for the disparities in your experiences. If you thought about how many girls he’d slept with, you’d probably drive yourself insane, while you on the other hand…

You felt like it was obvious that you were so much less experienced than him, Rafe taking great pleasure in flustering you and making your heart pick up in pace. Whenever you were alone, he had to be touching you in some way, and maybe that could just be his love language, but something in you told you that he enjoyed making you squirm.

“I’m thinking…that I don’t want any problems out of JJ,” he slowly said, finally revealing his inner thoughts.

He pulled back to look at you, and you scoffed.

“I already told you that I talked to him. He’ll be on his best behavior,” you assured him.

“Good,” he said, hands coming down to rest on either side of you where you sat. “…because you’re with me, now, and I won’t have a problem reminding him of that.”

“Do I need to make you promise you’ll be on your best behavior too?” you wondered.

The corner of his lips curved into a haughty smirk, and he tilted his head.

“…but you don’t like me when I’m good.”

“I’m serious.”

Rafe rolled his eyes towards the ceiling, and he leaned in to sweetly kiss you.

“I promise to be a good boy,” he murmured into the kiss, fingers trailing along your lower back. “Make sure your bestie does the same.”

[dawndelion-winery]

Take A Hint

Please just notice their advances

Ft. Diluc, Dottore, Itto, Zhongli

Diluc:

It's not you, it's him

Truly, he could not be any more vague

Why? You might ask?

Simply put, he's trying his best to romance you without letting you know it's him who's romancing you

Something something anxious you'll reject him something

So yeah, flowers, subtle gifts in the form of things you happen to need, everything is handed to you on a silver platter of convenience

And the sender himself is nowhere to be found or even heard of

Throw in how he's not exactly known for being amorous, as popular as he is, how could you possibly have suspected it was from him?

Of course you'd ask around, sparking a whole new chain of talk about your mysterious admirer

And lots of unwanted advice from the well-meaning citizens of Mond

"You should try asking around at the Angel's Share. Master Diluc always seems to know a little about everything, maybe he has something for ya."

Having no other leads, you went ahead with it

As with every other evening, the place was packed, drunkards exchanging tales over their liquor

There was nothing of value to be gotten from them, so you made a beeline for the redhead behind the counter

"Good evening, what can I get for you this time?"

"You wouldn't happen to have information, would you? On umm, the person who's been sending me all these presents."

He stiffens up, though not enough to be distinctly noticeable

He was going to say no, continue to lay low for a bit more, but when you looked at him so expectantly, it was hard for him to turn you down

It was even worse when you pressed further, prying for details to push your luck

Still, he caved and answered, fumbling as he did, because there was only so vague he could be the more you questioned

"You seem to know this person really well, it's almost like- Wait, Diluc, are you??"

In your excitement, you had gotten up, kneeling on the barstool and leaning across the counter to come face to face with him

"I've thought of something else you can get me, bartender~"

"Y-yes, and...what might that be?"

"You<3"

_____

"Just like that?" Kaeya confirmed, throwing his head back and laughing as he turned to his brother. "Yeah, just like that," you echoed, smiling at your lover who glowered at the blue haired captain. Diluc sat himself between the two of you as he wrapped an arm around you. "I told you it'd be easier to just ask them," Kaeya quipped, only to be silenced with a glare. "I recall," Diluc said. "But it worked out fine all the same." And fine it was, as he pressed a kiss to your temple, content that he no longer had to fret over hiding from you.

Dottore:

For someone who's all about the enjoying the experimental process, even he was growing tired of the lack of results

Were his hints (link to past post) too difficult to notice even for you? Had he overestimated your abilities?

Perhaps that was the case, so he'd have no choice but to resort to a more tried and true method

But of course even then he'd twist it in his own way to suit himself

It's not like there was any point in conforming to a standard the complete opposite of his own lest you fall for anything short of who he truly was

So he approaches you under the guise of a personal experiment, a little something that had piqued his interest

"You can be my lover for a... how's a month sound?"

You choked on your drink

As if being approached by the harbinger you worked for during your lunch break wasn't nerve wracking enough, that was what he wanted to talk to you about?

Despite his offhanded demeanor, seeming to not care about whether you agreed to it or not, you had a feeling it would be in your best interests to go along with it

It's not like you weren't at least somewhat into him anyway

His smile from under the mask did seem very ominous to any sane person though

Perhaps you weren't entirely sane, because the doctor's low chuckle didn't send you running for the hills in spite of you having no idea what he was planning

But really, how hard could it be to play the part of Il Dottore's lover for a month?

The answer was not at all

The position came with a number of privilege you were sure you'd miss once you lost them

Free access to anything under Dottore's command? Almost the same level of authority?

Really, it was insane just how much you were getting out of something that stemmed from his curiosity

And it really had you wondering just how he could afford to spare you all this luxury without batting an eye

Your colleagues, while understandably jealous, had been surprisingly supportive as well, giggling in your ear about how soft the doctor seemed to be for you

But all you could think of was how it was all a lie

You had to keep reminding yourself how quickly it would be over, and that you'd soon return to your old post

Even in the doctor's presence, which was often, you were doing mental gymnastics to stay calm at his every doting gesture

How was it even possible for him to hold you so gently? You'd never know

His duality was such that he could snap at the Regrator in a tone you're sure was icy enough to make the Tsaritsa proud all while holding you in his lap with the warmest possible embrace

And every moment felt like it'd last forever

Could he freeze time? You sort of hoped he would experiment with that and inevitably extend the time you had with him

You, ever the fool, had gotten comfortable with the arrangement even when you'd repeatedly reminded yourself not to

Although one could say you were an even bigger fool for not realising how he set you up to fall for him

Did you really think he was capable of looking at anyone he didn't consider special to him with enough warmth to melt a room when you can't even see his eyes?

On the final day of your agreement, you were finally starting to worry about how you were supposed to go about your old job after all you'd experienced with Dottore

Could you even function without remembering how nice it was to have his reassuring hand on your back?

"Oh my, anyone would think you were upset by the thought of leaving me if you pulled that face."

"Lord Dottore! I didn't notice- I'm sorry I-"

"No, this has been...a very successful experiment, if I do conclude. It has definitely helped me to confirm something important, I was just thinking of how to reward you for your help."

"I'm honoured I was able to assist, my lord. I'd be happy to accept any gift you might grace me with."

He frowned a little, and you were worried you had misspoken

Well, technically, you had, because he was hoping you'd have gotten comfortable enough with him over the month to drop the formalities

"Any gift? Then it's decided. We'll just have to make this a permanent arrangement, wouldn't you agree, my dear? In which case I think it only fitting that...when we're alone like this, you should call me Zandik."

The last part was softer, like the utterance of his name was for no one but you (it was)

Dottore might have been the feared harbinger, but Zandik was your affectionate maniac, and yours alone

_____

"Zandik, I never really did get to ask...why did you choose me for that experiment anyway? It just all seems far too fortunate for everything to fall into place so easily," you asked. You hadn't expected him to grin - more to himself than anyone else. "Yes, very fortunate indeed, you must be quite the lucky one then, favoured by the goddess of love herself, no?" he chuckled. He wondered if you would ever figure out he schemed it all, or if you'd remain blissfully ignorant. Gingerly, he took off his mask and set it on your face. "Would you look at that, it suits you too," he mused. "So why don't we just take it, that we were bound to end up like this one way or another, my precious?"

Itto:

You'd think it's obvious since he's such an outspoken guy

But he's fairly prideful too, so chances are, he's gonna try get you to ask him out

Unfortunately for him, he very much does want to cut the chase and ask you out so he doesn't have to wait

It's really a dilemma, and it doesn't help that no one in the gang apart from Shinobu gives sound advice

Just ask you out? Yeah right, Shinobu, he's gonna go with what the other guys say and just make himself seem so cool you'll be dying to go out with him

So he hangs around you a lot, dragging you with him and talking about how the Arataki Gang is doing stupendously

And who's leading the gang? None other than him, of course!!

Surely you'll think he's awesome, right?

Of course, credit where credit's due, he does end up talking about Shinobu a lot, praising her and how well she helps manage things

In part, that's supposed to help you see how humble he is despite his awesomeness

Too bad it gave the impression that he liked Shinobu, leading to you trying to set them up

Did you kinda like Itto? Yeah, sure, what wasn't there to like about him?

But that was also why you thought you should put your own feelings aside and help him out

And Itto, the sweet dumbass, not knowing any better, went along with all your ideas thinking you just wanted to spend time with him

You were taking him shopping for stuff!! That seems like a date, right? He was counting as a date

Yes, you were trying to dress him up and "coincidentally" bump into Shinobu and abandon them to have dinner together, but Itto didn't know the second half of that

He was absolutely memorising every detail to tell the rest of the gang after about how it worked and you slyly tried to go on a date with him

He was planning up how to tell them already

And you were dressing him up too? Look at you, acting like you're already married, he's very head empty

My guy is so ready to call you out on it when you bump into Shinobu a little earlier than expected

"Oh, what are you two up to? No offence, y/n, it's just that Itto typically doesn't come around town without some sort of mayhem following."

"Hey, you know that's not true, people love me, I-"

Red alert: he was looking stupid in front of his crush

And when you were quick to defend him? Boy, he looked like he wanted to kiss you then and there

You thought you were salvaging his reputation, but really, it just made you look like you were taking his side unconditionally

At least that's how it seemed in the moment

"How about that, boss. You actually got them to fall for you hard enough to overlook your idiocy. Who'd have thought?"

"Well, of course no one can resist the one and Oni Arataki Itto, y/n included, right my bug?"

You couldn't even be offended at his awful petname for you because there was so much to process

Were you dating now? Was that how it went?

Honestly, you could roll with that, as funny of a way as it was to get together

You didn't even have the heart to tell him about the misunderstanding because he seemed so proud to show off to everyone how you finally got together

_____

The members of the Arataki Gang gathered around with gathered sakura blooms as they scattered the petals around to congratulate the two of you. For the most part, Itto was just recounting the tale from his perspective, which was pretty funny to hear since you knew how it all actually went down. Had you really looked at him with the love the ocean had for the moon? It was almost embarrassing to hear how he described you, the poetic brilliance so unlike his typical crude speech. Certainly, it was a simple as comparing you to fresh grass in the summer, but it was very him to do so. And you supposed that was the magnetic charm of his after all.

Zhongli:

He can't think of a time when he's ever been so desperate to reach out to someone and yet so hesitant

But that had to be all the more reason for him to keep his distance because imagine if he lost you once he'd gotten attached?

Absolute devastation

But a small part of him insists you're worth the risk

Sadly, not enough to convince him because what if one day you realise you're just wasting your time with him? If you didn't actually like him any more than as a dear friend?

So you end up in this awful push and pull, hot and cold situation where one day he's inviting you out, eager to spend time with you

And the next day he's nowhere to be found, uncontactable as though he was never a part of your life

It got tiring really fast, so you roped in Hu Tao, since as his boss, she probably had his schedule

That and Hu Tao very much seems to be aware of something you aren't (aka the fact that Zhongli is immortal)

She wants to fill you in so badly because she's pretty done with watching Zhongli pine and then act like he never did

Still, she respects his boundaries (mostly) so she just helps drag him out of hiding

And by that, I mean calling him to work for something really important so he'll rush over

So you can imagine how his eyes widened when he saw you waiting with the director

"Director...and y/n, did I miss something?"

He knew he was being played the moment he saw Hu Tao's close-eyed smile but it was too late to run

Even then, Hu Tao wasn't one to break character, so she sent the two of you on some errands for her

So off you go, wandering Liyue on tasks you're certain have no relevance to whatever Hu Tao actually needs

Part 1: Scouring mountains for qingxin

At some point, Zhongli decided it'd be so much easier to just boost you up with his geo structures and catching you when you jumped/slid back down

No, he's definitely not the geo archon he's just very proficient at using his vision, he assures you

With the way he talks about Liyue as you search for flowers, even you end up piecing it all together

"What's it like to no longer be worshipped?"

"It's definitely more peaceful."

He pauses and slowly turns towards you

"I seem to be slipping up a lot today. This is exactly why I can't be around you. Still, what were the chances you'd figure this out before picking up on my feelings for you?"

Look at him turning the tables on you, it was now your turn to be flustered

How dare he

With a gentle tenderness only the passage of time could train, he picked out one particular flower from the bunch and held it beside your cheek

"Would it be inappropriate for me to comment on how you put even the loveliest of flowers to shame? Or should I find an equally appealing piece of jade or cor lapis to match the shine of your eyes?"

"What's with this sudden flattery?"

"You do bring out the worst in me sometimes. Even centuries of solitude couldn't grant me the patience to wait for you to choose me."

_____

You'd returned to the funeral parlour with Zhongli, both of you hauling massive bouquets in your arms. "We've found the-" Zhongli began, only to be cut off by his boss chiding him. "Aiya, I gave you the perfect opportunity and you still have no game!"

"No, but I did-" He turned to you with pleading eyes, but it was a sight too funny to pass up on. You'd make it up to him later, of course. But for the time being, you'd let yourself be amused with his suffering as payback for ghosting you all those times.

Commissioned by @monstersealclubber

Taglist: @myluvkeiji @aqui-soba @favonius-captain @tiredsleep @raincxtter @gensimping-for-all @irethepotato @almond-adeptus @mx-kamisato @yuzuricebun @chaosinanutshell @heizours @haliyamori @callmemeelah @sadlonelybagel @plinkuro @thevictoriousmoon @mastering-procrastinating @missesclaus @cxlrosii @miss-fantazmagoria @astrequa @kokomist @lemonswriting @eowinthetraveller @ajaxstar @boundedbyfate @the-lost-anime-dad @ash-astrophel @moonbyunniee @greyrain23

[oswildin]

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that The Dark World Loki is the closest to an accurate portrayal of his overall character as we’ve ever gotten.

I just want to preface that I’m not saying any other writings of his character in the MCU are bad or ‘aren’t Loki’, this is just my own opinion and interpretation.

In that film we get to see his illusion fall after Frigga’s death, it’s the most disheveled and broken we’ve ever seen him - physically at least. But then in the next minute, he’s snapped back into that mischievous, cunning, sarky trickster as Thor frees him from his cell and has him aid him in his quest to stop the Dark Elves.

Thor is acting out of protecting the nine realms, but Loki is acting out of self-preservation and the need for justice for his mother.

“Trust my rage.”

To me, this simple line sums Loki’s character up (well, not entirely but don’t be pedantic.)

Loki’s rage has been an instigator and motivator for his past actions, for destroying Jotunheim, for trying to rule Midgard. His rage is the one thing he had been able to rely on, because it has served him well enough in the past for his conviction - maybe less so in Avengers but that’s another point.

The Dark World writes Loki as neither bad or good (minus the ending which kinda leans into the ‘uh oh that damn trickster betrayed Thor again’). But for the scenes he is in, we are made to sympathise with him & his plight - whether intentional or not. It’s clearer in this film than Thor 1, where it was still made for general audiences to go ‘oh, he’s the bad guy’ (don’t get me started on the deleted scenes that would’ve added a more sympathetic perspective).

The man who raised him, with chest, told him his birthright was to die, he was told he could never see his mother again (the one person we know as the viewer he had a lot of love and respect for), then he found out his mother was killed and it wasn’t even delivered to him by Thor but by a guard, he was then left alone with that news with no one to help him process it, not even allowed to attend her funeral… And that’s all within the first 30-40 mins of the film.

We see him go from this ‘villain’ in Avengers to being something far more human. And it keeps his traits and actions very true to the core of his character. He’s tragic, but he’s also capable of anything. He’s a trickster, but he’s also capable of despair and suffering. And whilst Thor 1 does a good job at showing his more human side during the scene with Odin in the vaults and his ‘I never wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be your equal’ line to Thor (as well as Odin’s rejection on the bridge), they still make it clear he is the one we’re supposed to oppose.

I don’t know, just something about TDW!Loki feels right. And it annoys me they made him fake his death, even though that’s such a Loki thing to do, half way through the film. (Which I can’t believe they were actually going to kill him off but when they test screened it, the audience didn’t like it, so that’s why he appears at the end).

TDLR: The Dark World made the audience sympathetic towards Loki and still kept his core characteristics.

[nanowrimo]

Five Ways NaNoWriMo Turned Me into a Writer at Fifty-One

No matter your age, NaNoWriMo has something to offer for you. For participant, Dorothy Wong, Camp NaNoWriMo gave her the chance to finish a novel! Read below to learn about her experience and what she gained during her writing journey. The year I turned forty, I took a twelve month leave from my job. With no work commitments, I thought I would finally write my novel. While I ended up with a blog full of chatty travel posts and fantastic memories, I didn’t write my book, not even a rough outline. Anytime I tried, I found myself distracted and overwhelmed. If I couldn’t write during that sabbatical year, I told myself, I was never going to write anything. And for almost a decade, I didn’t.

Then a friend posted on Facebook that she was attempting a month-long writing challenge called NaNoWriMo. My first thought was, “Why would anyone voluntarily sign up for that?”. I couldn’t imagine putting myself under that time pressure to produce an actual novel.

Turns out, NaNoWriMo was exactly what I needed to break through my self-imposed barriers to writing. During Camp NaNoWriMo April 2021 I went from never writing at all to writing an average of 1500 words per day and creating a flawed, but completed, 50,000 word manuscript. I was ecstatic. Not only did I finish a novel, I thoroughly enjoyed the process.

Here are the top five ways NaNoWriMo turned me into an enthusiastic writer at fifty-one:

1. Community: There’s nothing quite like being part of a group effort, where everyone is cheering you on to complete your 50,000 words. NaNoWriMo is dedicated to creating safe and diverse spaces, including providing online and in-person opportunities to meet fellow writers. As an older writer, I worried about keeping up when the participant age range skewed much younger. To my relief I found a community through the BIPOC online meet-ups that connected me to others like me, many with established careers and extensive life experience, who wanted to write. Finding a community of writers will give you the support you didn’t know you needed.

2. Timed Sprints: During my first online writing sprint, to my absolute shock, I churned out 600 words in 15 minutes. Being in the company of others who are all doing the same thing (known as “body doubling”) really worked for my brain. Scientific studies show that doing a task in tandem with others increases productivity. If you’ve never tried timed writing sprints, they can be a game-changer.

3. Word Count Tracker: NaNoWriMo’s online word count tracker sent an instant dopamine hit to my brain every time I updated my progress.

4. Word Count Goal: While writing an entire novel can be daunting, reaching 50,000 words felt doable. Broken down to 1500 a day, I worked in short bursts throughout the day, finding time around my job and caring for my family, to get that word count in. When I reached my goal each day, I felt incredibly motivated to keep going. Even if I didn’t reach the goal, getting some words down every day kept my inspiration burning.

5. Limits are Freeing: NaNoWriMo’s time-bounded word count freed me from the “what if it’s not any good” voice in my head. If I wanted to write, I had to sit down and write, no excuses, and I had to keep moving the story forward, as there was no time to go back and edit. By accepting that I would be writing a crappy first draft, I gave up perfection and embraced the challenge.  

NaNoWriMo made me finally believe that I could write a novel. If you’ve spent a lifetime trying to get started on your novel, I encourage you to give NaNoWriMo a try!

Dorothy Wong lives with her family on beautiful Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada where she works as a lawyer by day and writes mysteries by night. She joined NaNoWriMo in 2021 and has been happily writing ever since. Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash   Interested in the writing events Dorothy talked about? Feel free to check out our upcoming events for Writers of Color Virtual Meetups or Virtual Write-Ins! Writers of Color are also invited to check out the forum group.

[a-bucket-of-trash]

Kelvin- Observations and theories (With major Spoilers)

This is going to be based on two endgame cutscenes, so if you haven't seen anything and don't want spoilers, please just get out of here because it's going to be very explicit. I can't go to half measures to camouflage spoilers here, sorry. Ahead Spoilers

First observation: How the fuck did Kelvin and Virginia get into the Cube?

Let's remember that neither of them enters any cave during the entire game, despite the fact that Virginia can reach the levels of being a mutant turret capable of killing twice as many enemies, she never goes to a cave, much less Kelvin for the reasons previously explained here (Short story, he is deaf, if you put him almost blindly in a cave, he would be eaten by bats).

Not only that, but both of them are being chased by "Silver Jacket Guy" (Who's name is Jianyu Zhang). That is in itself suspicious. Zhang could have killed us (AND Kelvin) early in the game, but he didn't for SOME REASON (possibly he was trying to find the Cube? IDK and IDC), and he never came across us on the island. Why was he following Kelvin and Virginia?

Theory A: Zhang finds them outside the cave and takes them hostage/chases them. This means that they did not defend themselves or hide. Perhaps seeing Zhang and his team as non-mutants/cannibals, they let their guard down believing they were safe. In fact, except for seeing them run in front of Zhang, at no time do we see that he is a danger to our babies.

Theory B: Kelvin and Virginia entered first (into the most beastly cave in the game) and Zhang followed them. Even weirder, since, again, they never enter a cave of their own free will. Did they enter voluntarily? Were they escaping from enemies and saw no other solution than to enter? Also, they both arrive QUICKLY. They were literally no more than 30 seconds away, like they were following us, hot on our heels. Why so rush? Did they know that they had to get in so as not to mutate? Zhang told them? (The only thing we need is Zhang being good all along lmao unless??)

Too many unanswered questions. The only facts: Kelvin and Virginia entered a monumental cave, unarmed, following us by no more than 30 seconds, sustaining no damage in the process.

Second observation: In relation to us, Kelvin sits the same in both helicopters.

One-way helicopter: Full health +50 music. With his back to the pilot, window to his left. Fisheye to the right of him, in front and diagonal to us.

Helicopter back: +50 trauma and -80 HP, facing the pilot, window to his right, Eric LeBlanc to his left and, repeating in front and diagonal of us.

Also, add the fact that on the way out he looks at Fisheye and us a couple of times, but on the rescue he never looks at Eric and just keeps his head looking out. It is obviously an indication of the difference in behavior. He went on a mission to chill listening to music, and comes out with a possible combo of traumas, possibly including a fear of getting on a helicopter. Although the fear of staying on the island must be monumentally bigger.

But in both cases, he has us in sight. As in the entire game, Kelvin has us in sight. We are his point of reference, his source of security, what he has to see to be sure that we are not only okay, but that he will also be okay. If he can see us, everything will be fine *Sound of heart breaking*

Here, too those with an RTX 3080 or a full 5K display or better eyes will need to help me confirm the following:

Does Kelvin have his eyes closed?? Has our favorite deaf person closed his eyes once we were rescued because he finally knows that we are safe (with emphasis on us)? Kelvin uwu are u ok?

Also, I hate that in the scene where we started out on the beach, we were literally at nothing away from saving Kelvin.

(lmao the screenshot)

If we had held him down, he might not have fallen into the arena from the sky, causing hearing loss and head damage. But he also might have fallen into the sea and drowned/trapped under the helicopter, so I don't know what to believe. I choose to believe.

Bonus: Screenshots of our sleeping baby (actually unconscious) because uwu Feel free to steal uwu

Peace off ♥

[adventism-atheism-orthodoxy-me]

Proving God, or Not.

It's somewhat odd to be making this post, given that my starting point was a series of first principles - posits.

My first was that there is more to the universe then what I can see, smell, taste, hear and touch.

The second was that what I can't interact with is just as varied as what I can.

My last was, that for the sake of argument, what I could interact with is a subtotal of the entire universe, arranged in a hierarchy with something at the top.

This brings us to the idea of God.

He is therefore not a proof, but a definition. Much like in geometry - a point must be defined before anything else happens. Based upon that point, a whole host of further postulates and theorems can be generated, ending with the totality of Euclidean Geometry.

I see the work of God in the Unified Field Theory, The Grand Unified Theory, and in any study which seeks to understand the world around us as systems, such as the water cycle, and processes such as economics, rather than as discrete objects unrelated to one another. I am especially excited when I see things that were once considered separate, joined together in a larger context. In my mind, That larger context gets us closer to God. (John 12:32, Ephesians 1:10)

Let's talk Schrodinger's cat. Only by cat, I mean God. We've all heard Pascals wager, the one about living ones life as if God existed. Here's the thing, the proof of God will be revealed one way or another, I just don't think it will be during our lives or in this earthly realm. I think we'll have to die ourselves before we are able to open the box. By then, having the proof will be too late. Germs existed long before viruses and bacteria were discovered. The Atomic Bomb started as a postulate before it became a reality. I think of God in the same terms.

I read the Bible. I go to a protestant Church. But most Christians would probably call me a heretic. Even though Christ himself understood the difficulty of belief in things unseen. (John 20:29, Luke 16:27-31) He did give himself as a referent to God the father (John 14:9)

It is clear that I'm writing to people who aren't really interested with what I'm saying in that I've written several years of posts covering this stuff. I've highlighted my disdain for certain Christian tropes that I think are distortions of what we are called to be as Christians.

I take my regular readership to be a handful of hodgepodge Chistians covering a host of denominations, and possibly one political philosopher.

My goal isn't to engage in apologetics, I'm not trying to get anyone to believe in a God they don't want to believe in. Atheists want me to prove God, when all I care about is, assuming God exists, what might he be like, and how would he want me to live my best life in harmony with everyone else's best life (I'm including naked mole rats, rubber boas, and really anything else that has a claim to life here on earth).

I look to native concepts of "the all father" to see how they implemented the concept of God into their praxis and liturgies.

My personal belief is that the Eastern Orthodox Churches by-and-large come the closest to my idea of God within the Christian world.

And while Rationalist Atheists scoff at miracles, The Eastern Churches still have them, though you won't hear them publicized (Per Luke 16, among other verses). I've also been told that Eastern Orthodoxy respects and integrates Native American experience and traditions in a way other Churches don't. I don't know how true that is, but it's the report I've heard.

[minecraftrelatedrandomness]

u/patriot_turned_pirate:

AITA for murdering eight people over a side comment?

I know how this sounds, but I really would like a second opinion on this.

Context: I (19M) had an older brother Al (adult M) who was in the military. We are from a powerful family who are expected to do our patriotic duty and join the military, who ruled the country with an iron fist, as in the kind that would hunt you down for criticizing it. Al was the best person and swordsman I know and is extremely valuable to have on your side; I hold him very dear to my heart.

About 10 years ago, my parents and I were told by the military's commanders that Al died heroically in battle and wouldn't be coming home. I swore at the time to get my revenge and kill whoever killed him. Was this unhealthy behaviour for a 9-year-old? Probably, but as I said, top of the sociopolitical ladder under military rule, not exactly a healthy environment for anyone to be growing up in.

A few years later, I joined the military and quickly rose above the ranks using my family's connections and my own skill. By age 16, I became skilled enough to be invited to dinner with the 10 military commanders, i.e. the de facto rulers of the country. During the meal, one of the 10 commanders made an offhand comment about having sent Al as part of a decoy crew in a battle to "save resources", and very few actually died in the battle.

I was in shock for the rest of the meal. All this time, I thought my brother died valiantly in combat, when in reality, it was completely preventable; it was the people whom I was raised to idolize and was sharing the meal with that were the monsters I swore to kill years ago. They never cared about Al or anyone but themselves.

Now, here is where I probably crossed the line: that night, I snuck into the 10 commanders' chambers and killed 8 of them in their sleep. The 9th one caught me in the act and injured me severely before I could do anything, but I managed to survive and escape.

It's been 3 years since then. I've amassed many friends and allies among other outlaws to take down the military commanders once and for all, and have been trying to help out those who need it because clearly, the government isn't doing their jobs right. But for now, at the advice of a friend, I've sought refuge far away to gather more allies before I make my next move.

When I did what I did, I was 16 and consumed by grief and rage as my world fell apart, and I knew that there was no other option: it was the only opportunity anyone had to get rid of them, as you'd have to get up close and personal to even try to do anything, and if I ignored what I heard, I'd have no other chance to even try. However, in the process of doing so, I… kind of half-toppled the government and left a huge power vacuum and an already corrupt and suffering country in a state of chaos. And of course, murder usually isn't the morally correct option one should be using.

Looking back, I would not deny being TA for overreacting; I did kill almost 10 people over a side comment. But at the same time, I don't regret what I did and think I did what I had to do in that situation. I've dedicated my entire life to seeking revenge for what happened to Al, and I will not rest until he has been fully avenged.

Still, I really don't mind a verdict on whether AITA.

[bfdreaming]

TW for suicide mention, rape mention, medical abuse, violent ableism, death, and what can reasonably be interpreted as a murder attempt

A few years ago, a psychiatrist talked about me to my mom without my permission in order to lie outright about my diagnosis (said I didn't have the disability for which she was treating me) and advised her, unprompted, to drop me (someone she knew was disabled and unable to work but she was lying about it) off at a homeless shelter. Mom is and was well aware of both my actual condition and the fact that homeless shelters are nightmarish, and said, correctly, that I would either kill myself or get raped and then kill myself. (Actually I would probably hit up some old friends first, but if I really was completely out on my ass with nothing and nowhere to go? Yeah, I'd kill myself before the medicine even wore off because I would have absolutely no chance of surviving.) Mom got her meds filled and did not go back. She did not immediately inform me of this conversation.

Shortly thereafter was my own last appointment with her, during which I confessed I was suicidal. Now, I have admitted this to many health care professionals over the years, mostly because it's on the intake forms. The normal reaction is to check in about it, make sure I don't have plans, and confirm that I am recieving treatment. While I generally don't bring it up to others, I'm pretty sure the normal response from someone without medical training is probably horror and concern.

This woman? She fucking taunted me.

I told my mom after and said I wasn't going back, at which point mom revealed the conversation above and said she also wasn't going back.

It's hard to imagine what was going on in that woman's mind, but I don't think this is something that can be attributed to incompetence. This woman, after pushing me for a while to get a job despite my multiple, barely treated or entirely untreated debilitating disabilities that make employment completely impossible, wanted me dead and actively tried to achieve that result.

Neither of us had the energy to do anything besides not going back, though. We are and were both very ill, after all.

This was years ago. More than five, less than ten. I was only thinking about it again because my current psychiatrist (who is great) joined that monster's former practice (which sucks) a couple years ago. At the time, I looked up the monster and she had thankfully stopped practicing like a year or so after we stopped seeing her. (She also had tons of negative reviews, some of them begging people not to go to her. She had only practiced for a few years.)

Now, while I was there before, I didn't have any trouble with the office, but now it also has tons of negative reviews because they simply don't ever communicate or authorize refills unless you manage to personally get ahold of a human AND get them to do it while you are on the phone with them. So I was unmedicated earlier, and experiencing a really nasty withdrawal, and was generally a mess. Managed to get yet another emergency supply from a 24 hour pharmacy but it hasn't kicked in yet so trying to sleep did not go well. Got up again and googled the monster.

Found her obituary.

And I am not usually one to celebrate death. But once I confirmed it was indeed for the same person, I could only think, "Thank God."

Because she really fucking tried to kill me. I don't think I really fully processed that until now. She tried to kill me because demanding I simply do the things my disabilities prevent me from doing didn't yield results. She tried to kill me and I don't think I was the only one. This woman went through medical school and spent years of her life trying to kill disabled people for being disabled. If you could work, or had worked but were now retired, she'd refill your existing prescriptions and do absolutely nothing else. And apparently, if you couldn't work, she'd try to kill you in a way she would almost certainly get away with.

She can't hurt anyone else. I still can't work but I've never tried to kill anyone. Maybe I'm useless but at she chose to be worse than useless. And I outlived her.

("If you refuse to simply stop being disabled, you should die" Ok well have you tried simply not dying, doc? Oh it didn't work for you? Tragic)

[fernshroudedcreek]

I absolutely adore the relationship between error and pj in loyal servant

Oh, I'm going to do a deep dive about this one...

The relationship between Error and Paperjam was both fun and heartbreaking to write. Primarily because their story isn't one that gets a truly happy ending. Its not a "I'm going to completely change my personality and be a better father, and everything will be perfect." sort of ordeal.

Error loves PJ, but he is unable to express it. He's too wrapped up in the reputation he's made for himself to believe he's capable of being a father. He says; "I left. That's what I did for you, PJ. That was the only thing I could do for you." Which is a testimate to how he cares but believes his child is better off without him. In his mind, being around would only make things worse for PJ.

On the flipside, Paperjam never understood this. They grew up believing that the only reason either of their parents were distant and/or downright cruel was because of who they were as a person. They're too much like Ink, or they're too much like Error. That definitely helped to breed PJ's desire to find balance. The desire to destroy the other gods didn't truly stem from hating what their parents fighting did to others, but more so what it did to them. In their mind, the feud between Ink and Error was to blame for their lack of family ties.

To hear Error tell them that's not the case flipped a switch. It told them that the reason he wasn't there wasn't because he hated Paperjam's very existence, but because he was afraid to hurt one of the few things he loved within the multiverse. His hands have caused pain and suffering throughout the entire multiverse, so how was he supposed to use them to be gentle and kind? He wasn't sure, so he kept his distance. It was out of love.

Then theres my boyfriend's reason for liking the dynamic.

Error tells them: "You are like me." And: "It was for your own good. I had to keep you away." which could also be read as Error's way of trying to prevent PJ from ending up like him. Error believes himself to be this source of evil. Everything he's done has been for a selfish and cruel reason. If Paperjam were to see him; were to look up to him, they might just end up the same way. He doesn't want that for Paperjam.

He became especially hostile towards Paperjam during the whole Book of a Thousand Souls incident, possibly because of some thought process along the lines of: This is something I'd do. I left so you wouldn't become this way. Why are you still being this way? Why aren't you better than me?

Point is, Error has a very difficult time with expressing love. Him telling Paperjam that he only wanted what was best for them is probably the closest he'll ever get to sounding like an actual father, which he notes in the story.

When Error admitted these things to Paperjam, they stiffen and go quiet yet still end up with watering sockets. There's so much relief and pain that it overwhelms them. All they ever wanted was to believe that somehow they were loved. And Error finally made sure that they knew it. Perhaps not in the way PJ hoped, but it was clear enough for them to understand. They know Error loves them, and thats that matters to PJ. Anything else is a bonus.

....Sorry I like talking about characters. Asks like these will get long responses out of me.

[silverlininghills]

answering the question "are clancy and tyler the same person?" once and for all

SO.

clancy.

one of the biggest narrative sticking points for both the fandom at large as well as me specifically has been the question of whether tyler and clancy are the same person. many people point to clancy's letter description of the events of the jumpsuit music video as proof that they're not, while others point to the reference to the "out of body account of the rider in the river" as proof that they are. it definitely felt like a contradiction to me when i was first diving into the lore last year. and while i understood that this narrative was a) being told in a very non-traditional manner and b) extremely fluid and almost dreamlike in its overall structure, that contradiction still bothered me.

and then i had an epiphany: clancy wasn't tyler, and now he is. it's simple, really.

let me explain:

the theory that i had initially come up with to try to explain the discrepancy, at least to myself, was that clancy was tyler's avatar within the narrative (basically his self-insert). he was the "jumpsuit" that tyler covered himself with in order to exist in this fictional world. so while he may exist independently of clancy (such as in the trench trilogy), he also existed as clancy when needed (such as during the events of the SAI livestream and music videos). the distinction between the two still felt weirdly uhhh consistently inconsistent to me, but i figured either we were missing a piece or that that was just how the narrative was meant to feel.

but then!! yesterday!! i was doing research for the aforementioned blurryface = clancy theory, and i stumbled upon an interview with andrew donoho, who directed all the "lore" music videos for the band. i have no idea how like, well known this interview is amongst the fandom, but I've yet to see anyone refer to it when discussing the "is clancy tyler" conundrum, despite the fact that it includes some VERY interesting bits:

"The daunting part was, they built this entire world--everything from Clancy to Tyler's role, to the band's role, to different pieces of TRENCH, all this stuff--and I had to find a way to bite off a nine-minute piece of that.

"...imagine reading Lord of the Rings and they say, 'Okay, so don't make anything that's in the novels, but make something in this world, and it can only be nine minutes and it has to be profound and show everything and have every single tie into the the allegory and the metaphor of the album.' Like, great."

to me, this pretty conclusively confirms that the events of the trench trilogy were not meant to be clancy, but instead either a) tyler himself or b) yet another dema inhabitant who was just played by tyler.

to drive that point home even further, andrew goes on to describe the actual creation process for dmaorg:

The Clancy story was something really fun. The first meeting with everybody we were talking about like how we would market TRENCH and if there was a way to open up the world to the super-fans that wanted to know more with a story that wasn't Tyler’s story. Because, again, they built this world that was so rich.

welp. there it is. a story that wasn't Tyler's story. Clancy was intended to be just another inhabitant of Dema whose story would be told, not through the album, but purely through the posts on dmaorg.

there's also this quote from tyler the first time he was asked about clancy in an interview:

Clancy's uh... I've heard about him. But I don't-- I don't-- I know we're from the same place.

"heard about" but not met. all he knows is that they're from the same place (dema).

so that settles it then, right? Clancy ≠ Tyler. so glad we could clear that up!

...not quite.

because here's the thing. this is not tyler and josh's story. twenty one pilots is not tyler and josh's band.

it's ours. and so is this story.

don't just take my word for it, either:

TJ: This record is… They really did help write it. This thing wouldn't be breathing without them. They helped create this world, as well.

TJ: They are also building the world, like I said. We’re very… Not to come off as on that stalker level, but I do watch them. […]what does that fan that really understands and has tracked with me up until this point -- how is this hitting them? And the story builds from there, man.

TJ: Once the fans got a hold of it and started to digest it it even brought it more to life you know? Watching the story come to life. So I'm excited to dive back into it at some point.

now, here's where i came up short: i swear i read or listened to an interview where tyler specifically talks about making changes to the story based on fan interpretations/ideas, but i cannot for the life of me find it now. if anyone remembers when or where (or if!) he said that and has a link, it would be immensely appreciated. but regardless, it's safe to say that we are all active participants in the creation of this story.

and what is something that we consistently speculated about, pretty much right from the moment we met clancy?

that he and tyler were the same person.

now, note the timeline here: they had probably already created at least the first couple clancy letters by the time dmaorg went live + was found by fans; same with the original trilogy of music videos (donoho specifically mentioned working on the treatments while dmaorg was being updated--and mentioned not being told about the updates ahead of time!). the last letter went live july 18th, exactly one week after the release of the jumpsuit music video, and tbh it sounds like the end of clancy's story, especially based on the narrative arc of both the trilogy and the album as a whole. clancy has left dema, is both frightened and enthralled by trench, and wonders both where he's going and whether leaving in the first place might’ve been a mistake. i fully believe this was intended to be the end of clancy's story.

but again. tyler and his team aren't the only ones telling it.

so what happened after that post? well, the album was released, tyler and josh rejoined social media, they did a bunch of fan press conferences, and then they toured a bunch.

and what did the clique do? well, they created. i wasn't around during that time, but i've seen enough clique art and meta and musings to get an idea of what the reaction was. it was clear that a) people were FASCINATED by trench and dema and all the rest of it and also b) that people LOVED clancy. they speculated about his history, his future, his connection to tyler, his place in the overall narrative.

they brought him to life.

and so clancy lived. the next dmaorg update coincided with the chlorine music video and revealed that he had been "returned" to dema by keons. bleak and ambiguous as the letter may have been, it was proof that clancy's story wasn't over just yet.

tantalizingly, tyler also revealed in an interview in march 2019 (so after clancy's "resurrection" but obviously before the world imploded and their plans got waylaid) that the next album would feature “a character that hasn’t been talked about on any record yet that plays a huge role in the narrative". was this clancy, who tyler had already confirmed "wasn't on [trench]"? or was this someone completely new?

welp, who knows because almost exactly one year later covid happened and everything got thrown out the window.

...except then the LOC ARG happens and the clique finds an encoded message on tyler's TV that says Clancy Is Dead, and then the name of the next album + accompanying Feature Performance Event is released and it turns out to be an anagram which also states that Clancy Is Dead.

so was he?

well, the clique had learned a couple other things by that point, such as:

1) SAI is propaganda

2) the views and opinions expressed on [Scaled and Icy] are those of the Sacred Municipality of Dema

and of course,

3) we don't believe what's on TV

so like. yeah. "clancy is dead". sure he is. whatever the truth may be, at least the fans knew not to take anything coming from the band at that point at face value.

as far as the SAI era goes, i think the most important thing to note is that, while writing the album, tyler himself didn’t even know if it would be a continuation of the narrative or not:

TJ: So the question is, with shows off the table for the time being, does this mean we should hit pause on this narrative? Or do we somehow try to weave it into the narrative, which is not totally the intention? I’m not really sure which direction we’re gonna go yet. 

personally, i suspect they were leaning more towards the “not” side of things. the livestream definitely takes place within the world of dema, but it’s not really a continuation of the story so much as a technicolour fever dream (appropriate for the height of a viral pandemic i guess lol). once again, like dmaorg, i believe tyler expected this album to be an accompaniment to the lore, but not itself part of the story. 

i have a whole, like, interpretation and breakdown of the “story” of the livestream that i am not gonna get into here bc this thing is already a beast, but suffice it to say that the livestream reads a lot more like an in-universe retelling of tyler’s story than anything else. does it heavily feature imagery and themes from the lore? yeah, of course. but it exists in this weird wonderland-esque dreamspace anyway, so that makes sense to me. 

anyway. yeah. livestream as originally intended = not part of the dema/trench storyline.

and yet. you know the clique and their tendency to take the things the band gives them and run with them. i definitely have seen lots of speculation regarding whether tyler is tyler in the livestream or clancy, and i can’t say that i blame people for wondering! again, the ambiguous nature of the narrative lends itself to multiple interpretations. do i think it was intended that way at first? nah. but once again, the clique made the story their own, and tyler had no choice but to try to keep up.

the next time we hear from clancy isn’t until almost a full year after the livestream–well, okay, we get another lil “clancy is dead” easter egg in the saturday music video, but that’s nothing we haven’t heard before (nice try though tyler). what really fascinates me is the almost complete 180 in terms of tone and narrative structure between the first two music videos + livestream—all of which were created before the fans had been introduced to the new era—and the saturday + the outside mvs, which would’ve been created after. in my opinion, that’s where we once again see the clique’s influence at work. suddenly the narrative is not only back but barreling forward. the SAI era is no longer a diversion but a true continuation.

with that return to form comes clancy’s first letter in over three years, and wouldn’t’cha know it, it perfectly describes the events of the livestream AND the saturday music video, thereby confirming that clancy is tyler after all! mystery solved! thank you for coming to my—

—except, wait. the evidence so clearly pointed to clancy not being tyler before. tyler himself even said so! what gives? was tyler lying then? is clancy lying now? is there some secret third option that no one has considered yet?

…well, yeah. there kind of is. the third option is that both have been and still are true, because as the story hasn’t just progressed, it’s changed. changed because it stopped existing just inside tyler’s head, or in the 60 page trench bible; it started existing out here, with us. it changed because we changed it. we reached our collective hands into the narrative and pulled our blorbo from the brink of oblivion and shoved him right back into the narrative where he belongs. when you really think about it, that makes us the ghost in the machine. the implications of that idea alone make my head spin.

anyway, we get one more letter from clancy the very next day to coincide with the release of the outside’s music video. in it, he contemplates the new psychokinetic power he’s received, how familiar it feels, and he begins to understand. he may be referring to the bishops and vialism, but as always, the narrative trappings of this world are merely a reflection of ours. because yes, you can look at it as clancy gaining the ability to possess “available vessels” using the antlers of a magical creature. but you can also look at it as the moment when tyler officially became clancy in the narrative using the power of creativity and imagination (and, of course, a little help from some friends), and in so doing, gained the power to maybe, finally, turn the tide in this seemingly endless internal war. after all, as the caption on this instagram post says:

this is a story about cycles, and trying to break them. about discerning between external and internal attacks. and about balance. a balance between being saved by a friend, and saving yourself.

in summary: i truly don’t believe clancy and tyler were ever intended to be the same person. what he was meant to be (a facet of tyler, a representative of the clique, or someone/something else entirely), i’m not sure, though of course i have my theories. honestly, i don’t believe clancy was meant to exist beyond the handful of letters we got from him in 2018. i believe the only reason he endured is because we willed him to. and now, as we head into the endgame of this incredible story we’ve all been creating together, this character (who was destined to die by his creator but was saved by his fans) has become perhaps the most important player on the board. and personally? i can’t wait to see what he becomes next.

[crystal-overdrive]

You mention that TT is an extension of your spirituality but I am going out on a leap here and state that I know you are not a Banite. How are you finding the two are linked?

Dear Doxieandthedead,

You've been to my house, you know that a big print of a black hand is the first thing you see when you walk in the door!

My worrying decor aside though, no I am not a real life Banite. I think you know some of this already but I'll explain it all for anyone else reading. I've realised I'm offering some really, really personal info here and will need to be careful not to reveal anything oathbound so bear with if it's not entirely clear. Essay post incoming...

So, I am in a druid tradition that works with the four elements, and as part of my training I've been on a journey through said elements. I was really looking forward to getting to fire because I thought I had an affinity with it. I've always seen myself as passionate, driven, a person of action. (One of Bane's epithets is He Who Takes Action) Fiery traits!

When I got there, I found that all the fire rituals were centred around a Goddess who I'd had trouble working with before. She's a big figure in Celtic Paganism but she'd just never seemed interested in me. When I tried to work with fire, tried to ask for her blessing, I had several rituals go wrong. Fire refusing to light, feeling nothing, being unable to concentrate, even a particularly nasty fall that involved a lot of blood that could have just been coincidence, but the timing was auspicious. Finally, I had an outright rejection. During meditation in one of these rituals, I felt freezing cold even though the room was warm and I had a literal fire in front of me, and I heard the words "the cold flame only, is meant for you". This really disturbed me, and I felt really quite despondent until I remembered where I'd felt this feeling before. 1) When I was a child and, despite being very quiet and trying not to attract trouble, I started a fight with a group of girls to make them leave a girl they were bullying alone. 2) When I made a formal complaint against someone who was mentoring us in a university competition for his sexism and harassment to prevent it happening to anyone else. 3) When I left the ex that isolated, manipulated and used me and when I chose myself despite the threats he made. Even though it had come with rejection this time, it had always been present when I'd done good things. Things that required strength and backbone and confidence. When I did these things and felt this cold energy I felt like I moved beyond fear to a cold certainty, like there was no option of not doing the thing. It had to be done and I was the only one capable of doing it. That is where Tav's experience of Bane as cold inevitability comes from. So much of the feeling and texture of ritual and spiritual experience in the fic is drawn from my real life. In terms of my own story, somewhere I'd gotten the idea that this Goddess' rejection of me was because I "belonged" to another reflection of the Goddess, a darker epithet. I can't find where this idea came from, but I make reference to it in my journal entry about the cold flame. I eventually found this Goddess (painfully obvious once I did, but it was a search) and she offered me transformation, both physically and mentally. I'm partially growing my hair as a devotional act, and Tav's hair acts as a symbol of her connection to Bane. In devotion to her I have become more confident, more truthful, more able to put myself first. She's not evil, but she's not kind in her myth, and she is seen as a dark mother archetype. She has also contributed towards the apathy I've been feeling in regards to living by my values as she's told me multiple times, in meditation, in reading, that selfishness is fine. And I have no idea how to feel about that, because my spirituality was such a driver of my environmentalism. So she's given me personal power, but in that process eroded my values. I think the comparison there is evident. Obviously what's happening to Tav is both extreme and evil and that is not happening to me, but taking it to those extremes in fiction is a way I can explore my experiences and feelings and also I get to write about fucking Enver Gortash so that's good too.

Yours in the Mysteries of the Gods, Crystal

[drizzileiscool]

What do you mean you just woke up a shiny?!

Statist... Statis... Statispthpghtos- ...Whatever! Odds aside, how does that just happen? Who did this to you?!

<Calm down. drizl probly has amnesa. cunfosd as we ar.> (Calm down. The Drizzile probably has amnesia. He's probably as confused as we are.)

...Well, besides that, how do you know Cheesecake? Did he tell you anything about us?

-@thatoneguy031 (Except it's Cherry and Mx. Suicune; Cherry's green, and Mx. Suicune's blue)

for the first question, that's exactly what I'm trying to find out at the moment. I was still slightly conscious at the time it was happening, and I saw several humans in lab coats around me. I think they were laying me onto a table?? anyways I also overheard them talking about experimenting, and some weird substance that causes pokemon to turn shiny, and they kept referring to me as "subject 1532" or "the drizzile". I've only just gotten my name recently.

I don't think it was amnesia, since I already tried several things to try to jog up my memory, like sneaking into gyms to watch the battles to see if I used to belong to a trainer. I'm starting to think I was created in that lab.

i also recently discovered that I had this piece of an everstone infused with some of my scales on my neck, which makes me unable to evolve. I don't really care about that, since I don't actually want to evolve. it does kinda look cool though.

and unfortunately, I was lucid enough during the whole process to feel pain. I hated the entire thing. I felt them replacing my fucking scales with the everstone. I wanted to fucking scream out but I couldn't. if it wasn't obvious enough, I now hate and don't trust most humans.

as a weird side effect of the whole thing, they accidentally gave me sentience, which is why I'm able to talk about the whole thing. and, y'know, use a phone. and type on it. and know how to speak english. well, it's more accurate to say I can type english since I can't speak it. if only my body was actually capable of speaking instead of just making weird noises...

anyways, I'm assuming the humans found out about that and they injected this weird.. thing.. into me, and next thing I knew I was on the floor of some forest in galar. there were no other pokemon or humans around.

but there is this one human who visits my home and brings me berries and other things. she is the only one I actually trust. and also, she's the reason I have my name. I don't trust her enough to let her catch me, but I still trust her more than most humans.

sorry for rambling on and on about this whole thing btw.

anyways to answer your other question: if you're talking about the samurott, we just happened to meet by chance. I put up a thing online asking for friends and he was the first person to respond. I was kinda lucky, now that I think about it. and sorry, but I don't really think he mentioned anything to me about you two. I mean, he might've, but if he did then I'm probably forgetting.

no other person responded, and the thing was up for several weeks, so I decided to take it down.

oh wow, that answer was like. a LOT shorter than the other one lol

so what about you two? I've basically told you most of my life's story at this point, so it's only fair you tell me a bit about yourselves. unless you don't want to, of course. that's also perfectly fine

[weebsinstash]

Hey I know this might be uncalled for and idk much about anything, but I found the last post in your personal blog talking about your trip kind of alarming. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of effort to an important friend, but from your posts, the entire situation just seems fishy. I’m sorry if I sound rude, I’m just concerned because you mentioned the other friend won’t make it and you’ll be alone with this guy far from home, and he doesn’t have any plans to take you around (which a lot of times, hanging out and sight-seeing doesn’t really require money, if any at all). I really hope that if you decide to go you’ll have an amazing time but at this point, but I’m afraid you’re kinda setting yourself up for disappointment? And I really hope I’m not rude by saying this. Again, you’re putting a lot of care and money into this trip so at this point you should think twice and consider going somewhere else and have fun by yourself.

I was wondering why you would ask over here but then I suddenly remembered I turned off anon on my main blog ages ago so that's on me 💀 you aren't being rude dont worry haha, its nice to know people care enough about me to express concern

For context for you guys who just know me over here, I recently reconnected with an old online friend I knew like 9 years ago and he kind of just invited me up for a visit with him and another online friend i knew during the same time period who also lives in his area on a whim because, life is short, the pandemic has been hell, people have died and drifted apart and all that, and I was really happy because he used to be a big pillar of support for me back in the day (the other friend too) and I thought "hey, taking a trip could be really good for me, im already super depressed lmao" but being invited up quickly turned into 1. Other friend can't make it 2. I have to provide my own lodging aka paying for motel which is expensive 3. He doesn't drive so I have to be taking a rideshare service to travel like 6 miles to his place and back to my hotel 4. I knew he was, earning a scholarship and such but he dropped on me today after I've already scheduled everything that he's been a full time student with no income so like, we really won't even be able to do basic shit like go out to eat or see a movie unless I pay for everything and that's on top of already spending like $1k on traveling and the motel alone

My mom is trying to talk me out of going and, I will be honest and say I'm really upset with his communication. He invited me in a really sincere way but this entire process has been a nightmare. Like I figured since I'm, you know, having to pay for a passport and travel to Canada, that we would be able to like sightsee and maybe check out the local food and try poutine but the only activities he has suggested so far is hiking (which is fine that sounds fun) and idk listening to music on subwoofers in his room in the house he shares with like 3 other men and doing shrooms. Like dude I love this guy like a brother but he really kind of should have told me he was quote "extremely poor" before I shelled out the cash to take 8 days out of my schedule, two of those which I'm going to be travelling the entire day, literally my departure day is gonna be 4am to 7pm nothing but travel and similar on the day back

But also like. He was there for me a lot of the times I needed it when I was younger, he supported me and did nice things for me, so I feel I owe him even if I didn't want to go, which I do like trust me I still want to see him. Yeah this isn't ideal but, it could still be something really good for the both of us. I trust him not to be creepy with me and you know, he's been through some really hard stuff too (for you followers over here, he is the same friend I mentioned the other day who basically lost use of his dominant hand in a work accident). Yeah it seems kind of iffy now but I could go and have a great time. And if not, if we don't click, and it's super awkward, then yeah I'm going to be extremely hardcore depressed by myself in a foreign country but I'll have my own hotel room so I can have my own space and do my own things until I crawl back home. I'll actually be in the Niagara Falls/St Catharines area of Ontario so, I figure, if I'm forced to make the best of a bad situation, there should be plenty of opportunities by myself due to the tourism :)

But yeah I'm still really nervous and I'm disappointed and anxious about this trip and I still have to pay for my passport and this is kind of coming at not the best time but,, I'm looking forward to this and so is he so, I think everything will be OK. And if not then I'll be super heartbroken and never want to trust anyone again because no one else will be familiar with me and accept me the way he has and if i don't have that then I might as well not even exist lol :)

[sandcastles-fall]

9/18

today was a phenomenal day. truly one of the better ones in quite a while. my classes were enjoyable, i got a workout in with them, i was able to open up and be vulnerable for all of 15 seconds today, i had two good (!!) pull-ups when i checked in with 🎈, and i’m off my damned period. at least he waited until after class to bring up the dumb shit he said on monday. he said he didn’t mean anything by it, “wrong thing to say, wrong time” and all that shit. i just wanted to ignore it completely and keep working on pull-ups. we slid right back into the normal bullshit and conversation between sets. so that’s nice lol. i really have made progress and he says we’re moving to 2 rounds of it on friday! or whenever i see him, who knows when he’ll be showing up.

my legs are trashed from yesterday’s run and my class this morning. so 🛸 and i spent our time just talking and walking the track. my favorite mornings lol. he said so too. he made me laugh really hard (of course) and said “see? that makes the whole morning worth it.” that sentence hit me so hard that i thought i was going to break right then and there. i want his entire day filled with that feeling. he should laugh and smile all day, and maybe he does. i’m hoping he finds every opportunity to laugh during his days. if it would make him happy i would spend all of my days trying.

we also talked more about his appointments, he brought it up himself this time. i think that’s an improvement alone. but he’s getting frustrated with the bare minimum this government employee is providing. she suggested journaling as a way to help manage anxiety and intrusive thoughts. i think it would work well for him as long as he’s consistent in his approach and uses it as a tool. i tried to explain my process with it and even told him about my mental highway. as stupid as it sounds it has always helped me. i wish i knew what would help him the most, i don’t want him to keep thinking something is wrong with him. he seemed to listen to me but kept pushing jokes and one liners at me the whole time. it’s a coping skill I KNOW but it was just very apparent today. i felt very odd giving him this intensely personal information about myself, things i don’t even talk with 🩶 about, and i told him i didn’t like doing all the talking. which was unfair of me. i’ve been pretty ruthlessly cracking his shell open and i’ve only been successful because he wants me to be. he wanted me to see behind the person suit a bit and i really have taken that for granted. it’s only fair that i give an inch or two in return. i’m just afraid if he saw in my head he would hate it. no one else has been in there for a long, long time.

[ladypres13]

A Life Update

Wow. So much has changed since I’ve last updated my Yandere Sleuth blog. Somewhat for the better, somewhat worse. It really depends on your perspective.

Sleuth jr. is 14 and baby sleuth is 4. 😭 they are both in school now. I am having difficulties with Junior, as he is in full blown puberty and has decided he absolutely hates school. This results in aggressive behavior. Baby sleuth, however, loves school. No matter what, they’re both my babies and I will go to the ends of the earth for the both of them.

Since baby Sleuth’s birth, I had been struggling with depression. I felt as though I was drowning in sorrow due to postpartum depression. It felt as though the world was continuing to turn and I was simply sitting at home, existing. A stay at home mom life has never been for me, and though I love my children, I needed a purpose of my own. I needed a break. When my oldest was small, my mother forced me to stay home and I was not allowed to work (she was a bit controlling.)

I felt the happiest I had ever been when I finally obtained a job at a well known beauty retailer. I felt so at home and my coworkers were amazing. Sadly, the chain left my store to go to another company. I transferred there to keep my job with the beauty chain but the warmness and friendliness I was so used to was gone. I hated every second of working there, and I returned to the first store and started working on the construction of their new beauty department, where I’ve been ever since.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer - multiple myeloma and renal cell carcinoma - and lived two years. She suffered several strokes starting may 31st, died on June 18th (2023), on Father’s Day, with me and my dad by her side. Even though they had been divorced for years, and it was Father’s Day, dad remained my rock during this entire ordeal. We had her cremated and she is buried at the feet of her uncle that raised her.

I barely had time to grieve when lord Prestonator, a recovering alcoholic, relapsed (again); he really did it this time, to the point where my kids and I will be moving out and going to live with my father within the next couple of weeks. He and I had been on the rocks for about 18 months to begin with, with multiple relapses, hospitalizations, women coming forward claiming he was trying to cheat with them, etc. yet we tried to coexist for the sake of the children. We tried maintaining that family unit we both wanted, with each other.

I went to my therapist, who I had initially made the appointment with to process the death of my controlling mother, and laid it all out for her, and she diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder as a result of my ex’s drinking. I have not been handling the news of this diagnosis well at all, mainly because I don’t know hardly anything about it. I am a third generation sufferer of anxiety and panic; my mother and grandmother both had it. Post traumatic stress disorder? This is all new to me.

I also laid out my relationship with my ex, and she took quite an interest in it; she started asking questions, and then became quiet. She then said, quote, “Holly, I don’t like diagnosing people without directly looking at them. However, with what you’ve told me, I’m almost certain he has narcissistic personality disorder. You are in a psychologically abusive marriage.”

I was so taken aback by this statement, and then I began to think of all his behaviors and the patterns. Love bombings; he showers me with money, gifts, and my favorite foods. Gaslighting; “I didn’t do this. I didn’t do that. You’re blowing everything out of proportion.” Constant worry and fear of his image, where I’m speaking low of him to my friends when I haven’t. The constant need of appreciation; “only my coworkers praise me and appreciate me. I never get that at home.” (Despite my efforts to do anything to keep him happy.) relapse and a week long visit to the psych ward. And the cycle begins anew.

Me? In a psychologically abusive relationship with a narcissist? I always supported my friends and family as they escaped bad situations; how could I have missed all these warning signs that I was on the same boat?

All this time, I’ve been calling myself Prestonator. When my divorce is finalized, what should I even call myself? My screen name? Sweet creators above, what a mess.

Still, this is perfect timing. My father is quite sick and is no longer able to care for his home. Since he refuses home health, or transitioning to assisted living, this, really, is our only option. We will be helping each other out. And it helps, too, that a friend, who I was head over heels for in high school, has resurfaced to support me during the most difficult trial of my life. All this time, for 20 YEARS, he had feelings for me. Things between us have been wonderful.

This isn’t technically a rebound, considering I liked him first, and that there hasn’t been any real love between my husband and I for about 18 months, is there? 🫠 still, he’s wonderful and I would be lost suit his support.

And that’s that.