#sort of? just the preshow playlist

[fairylightspml]

dan and phil adding the 🎶 all of you lesbians are fucking crazy 🎶 song to the pre show playlist is so fucking funny

[9w1ft]

"thinking about the don’t take the money during preshow, thinking about curious live from gillette and the SOUNDS FAKE follow up..." can you explain all of these pls 😭🙏🏼 just like briefly because i don't understand half of them

sure 😌

one of songs on the rep tour preshow playlist was Don’t Take The Money by bleachers and the lyrics were very thematic to a lot of what happened in 2018 (the engagement and wedding stuff), for example “i pray for everything we lost buy back the secrets, your hand forever’s all i want don’t take the money”

karlie announced being engaged in late july of that year and at the very next concert she brought out hayley kiyoko as a surprise guest and they sang her song Curious and taylor sang the line “calling me up so late at night are we just friends? say you wanted me but you’re sleeping with him”

and then in her instagram post summarizing the show, she included the phrase Sounds fake?!? and UNREAL in all caps 😆 she also liked a few tumblr posts that pointed it out.

in case you also meant the second half of the post too (thinking about speak now live after st. louis, the amas performance with the unlocked cartier necklace as backdrop, thinking about ikywt live from australia, closing out the tour with wildest dreams, and thinking about let’s get married during preshow, taylor performing dress in front of karlie at nashville, hey stephen in st. louis, angels live with robbie williams, closing out the tour with i know places...)

after the engagement announcement thingy of course there was rep tour nashville in late august where karlie attended with her sisters and taylor sang dress in front of her at b-stage and all that. from there, taylor stopped by st louis, karlie’s hometown, in mid september, and the very next show she played Speak Now as surprise song, and really belted out the “i am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on a white veiled occasion and you are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl” and did a signature chuckle at the end

then she came out as a democrat, and then trump said he liked her music 10% less, and then she had the AMA’s performance in early October, which is the one that includes the set piece that looks just like the amulette de cartier that karlie started wearing essentially right around the time that the engagement announcement was. then the wedding pictures got leaked, then the wedding post happened on october 18th, etc etc etc..

the other stuff i mention is sort of a mix of things out of order but basically what i meant to say was that it’s pretty wild how many big and related lore pieces all happened over a period of like.. 4 months’ time. it’s pretty wild to look back on.

[personinthepalace]

I saw a community production of Legally Blonde the Musical over the weekend! Will share my rambling thoughts below the cut:

so I judge lbtm productions by THE DOOR(TM) bc door discourse so let’s talk about that first:

so I've been analyzing the show’s sizzle reel a bit too much haha, but from the staging I figured that there wouldn't be a door during the ballad. I said this to my friend but then she pointed out that the program literally says elle's door so I got excited

however I was right and there was no door :(

so what happened instead was that they wheeled out elle's desk and bed and luggage for her room. (oh and before that they turned on little lights that made it looked like a starry night while elle was singing the first part - very pretty). emmett comes "into" elle's room with the two champagne glasses, they sing, she cries, elle then takes her suitcase and exits through the main stage doors (these doors are the same ones used for harvard, callahan's office, courtroom, paulette's salon etc - it’s the doors seen in the video above)

so we have emmett in elle's room and elle out of her room

emmett sings *what about love* and THEN elle comes out of one of the side doors (like closet doors) and starts singing. so I guess she is still outside?? very hard to tell

but there are some steps so elle is singing from the top step, emmett on the bottom

and by the end of the song, elle has come down the steps and elle and emmett sing the ending back to back (but not touching each other)

also I would like to note that emmett tries to touch elle (to stop her from walking away) but elle flinches which I thought was a good touch

so yeah tldr: no physical door (but elle did walk out some doors), emmett is singing from inside elle's room(?), but at least he didn't confess his love to her face so yay?

——————————

now from the beginning:

there was a lot of the barbie movie soundtrack playing during the preshow haha

so they definitely updated the show to the present day - there was a selfie circle light thing, everyone had iphones and ipads but I feel like they updated it in a very organic way. didn't feel forced or fake which sadly I feel like happens in a few updated versions (say regents park). also the ways they updated certain moments was quite clever - will get into it later

so the beginning has the girls doing the tiktok dance in front of the light circle for elle and then there was no candle lighting instead they said something along the lines of "find your light"

the store manager is a guy

okay clever modern day update! elle gives her phone to one of the restaurant customers so that they could film the "proposal". but then after seeing that warner didn't propose yet, she took her phone back

at "does look like the face of harvard law", the admissions guy is addressing the audience! there was a pause so we all shouted yeah! and he looked at us like we lost our minds haha

the admissions guy saying *ethnic movement* was followed by a pause and a big gasp from the audience for some reason

there was no marching band just cheer leaders and there were two guys in skirts

oh one of the guys has a character called kiki later (the gay guy in paulette's salon) and he is basically the best background character - he had the best outfits and omigod walking around in heels and later wore the cutest boots. yeah best background character

emmett is now a class of 2019. also he hasn't slept since 2016 (it should have been more haha)

aaron tries to shake enid's hand when she introduces herself but then she gets very enid and then he just backs away haha

bruiser watches rupaul drag race. oh yeah they had actual dogs on stage! very small very cute

elle pulls out a hydroflask and an E statue thing to put on her desk

emmett didn't sing along during blood in the water which I really like

paulette has a playlist instead of a cd. vivienne came into the salon and paid kiki for a gift bag of sorts

elle has a hello kitty toy and emmett threatened to throw it in the trash haha

no more redbull they drink celsius now. also I love that they drink from the same can

another clever update! elle texts warner during chip on your shoulder. so things like *and grandma bootsie!* is sent as like a second text. (we can hear the text sound). and the christmas message is a voice memo

oh yeah and when elle introduces emmett to paulette, she takes him by the hand and walks him towards paulette which I thought was cute

omigod so during the part where elle and paulette try to communicate behind emmett's back - paulette holds the shampoo bottle like it's a dick and we all lost it hahaha

after elle gives callahan her resume, she walks towards emmett and circle around him and they're both silenting squealing and then elle walks off stage squealing haha

they did not have a handshake during chip on my shoulder. nor did emmett do any silly dance

so much better - callahan sends out the results by email so everyone is looking at their phone

also I didn't catch if warner gave his phone to someone to film or someone was just filming on their own phone but someone was filming warner's proposal to vivienne

emmett was on stage for most of so much better and when he left with the rest of the people he gave elle two thumbs up

brooke now has an app, callahan does not speak twitter or tiktok

brooke was doing the long jumprope at one point - I forget what it's called like two people are holding the rope and brooke is jumping

emmett: we are here to whip up your legal defense *does some awkward dancing* it was very funny haha

okay so emmett was wearing his bag during this whole time and during take it like a man, he gives it to elle and then she wears it for the rest of the number (I just love that addition haha)

also this emmett wears glasses and it took me a while to notice/realize but after his makeover, he no longer wears glasses for the rest of the show

this kyle had a lot of kyle swagger haha. he walks through the audience, he freaking adjusts his belt, holds the package like *that* obviously, bends over a lot - a lot of kyle haha

and then when he comes back for his stylist, and elle is like do it - elle and paulette look at each other, nod, and then jump and did a chest bump - I was totally not expecting that and everyone was laughing at that haha

during the bend and snap scene, elle says that it works on straight and bi men

the news reporter reporting the trial is now replace with the delta nus watching the news coverage on a phone (and the reporter is a voice over) - I thought it was a nice addition!

my friend said that a fun update that they should have done was paulette and kyle taking an uber instead of an ambulance to the hospital haha

when elle tests the bend and snap on nikkos, there is a guard standing next to him and the guard’s eyes bulges out (he reacts haha) every time elle does it (and nikkos doesn’t) and it was very funny

I didn't notice it but my friend pointed out that elle doesn't sing during gay or european. I figured that it was so she can rest for a song. my friend said that it's bc elle already knows that she's right and doesn't need to reason it out like everyone else. I guess both can be true haha

I completely forgot to look out for carlos during the song but there was no need bc he wasn't sitting with the cast - he busted in through the stage doors haha

my friend said it would have been funny if carlos was sitting in the audience and honestly now I want that to happen in a production now hahaha

also carlos and nikkos are both dressed in black

callahan actually pushes elle against the wall (side of the stage) when he kisses her - it is like a full on make out but then she pushes him off her and then slaps him

warner walks and sees them kissing and then immediately walks out. vivienne stays long enough to see the slap

okay talked about the ballad already haha

when emmett says *and I don’t have to hit on interns professor*, elle’s dad rises a bit but elle’s mom pulls him down and they talk - really like that detail. gotta love parents concerned for their daughter

oh instead of it being just like apprentice, the delta nus call brooke a girlboss

the scene of the crime now comes with pink caution tape - very funny seeing them pulling it across the front of the stage haha

the court stenographer is a guy! The way he sang back *omigod we rock!* was very funny haha

during find my way, callahan comes out and glares at emmett when it’s said that his wife hired emmett to handle their messy divorce

paulette gives her cards to audience members in the front row!

elle is in a pink graduation gown

elle gets the ring from paulette and then proposes to emmett. he spins her around

curtain call: they all stood in one line and sang while doing different poses

overall it was great!! better than we expected haha - my friend and I have our nitpicks haha but we had a great time :) (main letdown was no door haha) also yay for filipino elle :)

also! some random thoughts that we had from watching this production:

- how did warner get the internship? like he didn't work as hard as the other people (we're assuming). we now figure that it might be that warner's dad called in a favor

- callahan's wife getting a divorce - that means that elle and emmett must have told her? And they must have reported him to the school so did harvard fire him? does he still have his law firm? my friend thinks that he is a slimy enough lawyer - that he got to keep both positions. I like to think that he got fired

- patrick page would make a great callahan

[wherethesunsails]

ok now im rlly curious what are all ur spotify playlists?

....... I have So Many Spotify playlists and I just updated them all with covers too so the covers of my spotify playlists all have a similar vibe! ok so alphabetically

........... - just a bunch of kind of shouty angry sort of songs good for angsting

3.17.19 - this is a date playlist, the only one of its kind, I hung out with an old friend a while ago and this playlist is just a bunch of songs we listened to that night it was a good time :)

<3 autumn mixtape - this is that autumn mixtape i made for you forever ago great fall vibes

a six song study playlist - what’s on the tin i have a million study playlists

ajr - it’s just. all ajr songs

bonfire vibes - these are just all songs that give me bonfire vibes yanno

bops - this started out as just harry styles ajr and jon bellion but it’s got more variety in it now it’s got a lot of bangers

chill bops ‘19 - a bunch of just hanging out music from like the end of 2018/beginning of 2019

chill bops ‘20 - same as before just with a more refined music taste

chill driving ‘19 - it is not fun to describe these playlists because i designed the titles to be self explanatory

christmas - there’s a lot of michael buble in here

classic bonfire tunes - bonfire vibes but with a vintage vibe

classics - ummm it’s like sixties and seventies stuff?

coffee shop ‘19 - like if you were sitting in a coffee shop this would be playing

coffee shop ‘18 - same as before but more dedicated to the vibes less dedicated to the music taste

colton - so. this one is self explanatory (if it’s a name playlist it’s songs that remind me of people)

concerning hobbits - lord of the rings vibes

consider this... - i made this playlist to make tinder boys think i was interested in love

cross-country roadtrip - these are all songs by netherfriends that are named after cities and states

crushes - a specific song that reminds me of a specific crush (feat. you, clark, my ex, .... base unit josh?, uhhhh ethan?, emma, hannah, and colton)(lmao why isn’t david in there oh he might be the ymca not josh. unsure)

disney - again... what it says on the tin. I miss that ao3 tag where did it go

driving masterlist - if a playlist has driving or roadtrip in the title its songs go here

driving with dad - my dad has a weird ass taste in music idk what to say here

elliot - uh so this one is songs that remind me of you lmao

falling in love - just like. falling in love vibes yanno

falseheteros+ - this is the highlights of falsettos, legally blonde, beetlejuice, and book of mormon

feeling some sort of way - uh like. yearning vibes?

get back into pop punk - this was previously titled ‘why are you getting back into pop punk you freak’ and i think that was really funny but i made it public so

ghost songs - this is just like. the ghost duet and the ghost choir

girl in red - it’s girl in red songs.

halloween - spoopy vibes

hannah - again. name playlist

highlights of my music taste - this was also created to impress people from tinder i havent utilized either of them yet

hozier - . it’s hozier songs.

hype - this is a new playlist it’s kind of rap and various tiktok songs all of ppcocaine’s songs are on here

jon bellion - love this man’s music

jon bellion, rex orange county+ - rex orange county and jon bellion both have respectable bangers so. yanno

keiynan lonsdale - i love this guy incredible music

kendall - it’s. kendall songs.

kentucky soundtrack - this is my christian music masterlist for when i go on a missions trip

khalid - he has bangers what can i say

leon bridges - this guy’s vibes are immaculate

lily james - yeah so i’m incredible gay for this woman

lofi - there’s not a lot here but these are bangers

love story soundtrack - i think i made this to get me in the mood for writing/reading romance

mamma mia - i love this musical so much i have no explanation you don’t need one

mandy patinkin highlights - this is just the songs i like from evita

meme songs - i’m pretty sure if you listen to this playlist you’ll be rickrolled

mr pence’s summer camp - lmao these are queer songs/artists

mutuals roadtrip - oh yeah i made this collaborative i’ll link it so y’all can like. add to it

new stuff - songs i’ve discovered and i’m trying to learn

panic! at the disco - just bangers from mr brendan urie

paper due soon - uh so this is a playlist based on the theory that if you’re writing a last minute paper and you put on boss music from a video game you’ll write faster so this is undertale boss music lmaO

post-basketball aux - parent approved tunes for long drives home

preshow hype - :’-/ this playlist isn’t gonnna get used anymore probably because it was music to get us hyped before plays and i’m not in those at school anymore rip

queen - i love freddie mercury end of discussion

rat pack vibes - this is like. sinatra and bing crosby and the like

rex orange county bops - i love that guy he makes good music

ritters after close - this is all. terrible music. very naughty. meant to be played when there aren’t customers to offend

roadtrip ‘20 - the goal is to feel like you’re looking moodily out the car window in a coming of age movie

roadtrip soundtrack ‘18 - same hat

S- sexy - uh this just has drunk in love by beyonce on it because i think it’s a sexy song

sam - this one goes out to my friend who i kind of had a crush on and then he started dating one of my best friends from school and then i wasn’t allowed to be friends with him anymore and she hates me :)

savanna - i miss sav she was a blast. it’s a lot of mlp

seventies - decade playlist

she dates boys - uh. it’s a sdb vibes playlist

sixites - decade playlist

soft boy epidemic - if i remember right this is just ben platt

soul - wh- what it says on the tin

studying - self explanatory

summer ‘18 - summer vibes

summer of ‘19 - this one is songs that make me think of last summer i miss last summer so fucking much

summer roadtrip ‘18 - uh this is just all of the summer ‘18 and roadtrip ‘18 playlists combined

theatre - musical songs, a lot of abba on here, the entire soundtrack of hamilton

theatre 2.0 - more songs to belt on here than the last one

theatre kids during quarantine be like - i’m sick of this playlist now but it slapped at the beginning of quarantine

throwback - this is like. ‘00s-’10s bangers

tiktok bops - only the elite songs lmao

to nobody - uh this is another playlist i made for you lmao

upbeat driving ‘19 - bangers

veggietales - i needed a veggietales playlist, very useful for church functions and for being seen as a child

weird mix but okay - uh yeah this is like jon bellion and classic rock lmao

wuhluhwuh - i didn’t wanna put wlw in case some family found this playlist and knew what it meant lmao

yearning - just gay shit dude. that’s it

made you a mixtape (it has heart emojis around it) - yeah this is a playlist i made for you too

and there you have it that’s all of them! if you wanna listen to the playlists or even just check out the sick cover images i used my spotify is here!

[entireoranges]

3PN Ultimate Guide

Episode / Playlist Guide To Perfect Pairs Podcast Shows!

Please note that on the Perfect Pair listings the episodes will be listed Newest to Oldest, while everything the order Oldest to Newest

3PN Specials - 2017 Holiday Special - 300 Podcast Special - Quiz - Where Is Jason? - Jason Is Here!

Arkadia Chat - Season 1 - Season 4 Episodes 1 & 2 - Season 4 Episode 3 - Season 4 Episode 4 - Season 4 Episode 5 - Season 4 Episode 6 - Season 4 Episode 7 - Season 4 Episode 8 - Season 4 Episode 9 - Season 4 Episode 10 - Season 4 Episode 11 - Season 4 Episode 12 - Season 4 Episode 13

Arkadia Chat - Season 2 - Eden Episode Review - Red Queen Episode Review - Sleeping Giants Episode Review - Pandora Box and Shifting Sands Episode Review

Box Of Hot Air - Season 1 - Show Explanation Planned Parenthood Pro-Life Or Pro-Choice - Immigration And Languages - Racial And Cultural Sensitivity - Black Lives Matter - Welfare And Religion - Trump - PETA, Greenpeace, And Drugs - Lack Of Reality In Politics And War For Oil - Hardcore Trump Supporters, Obesity In America, And Media Bias - 13th - Terroism And Healthcare - Election 2016 - UFO's And Voting Reform - Jason's Commentary - Conspiracy Theories & Mass Shootings - Vegan Vegatarianism And Vaccines

Box Of Hot Air - Season 2 - The First Few Days - Rogue Agencies, Climate Change, And Science - VP's, Protesting, And History - Border Walls - Tensions On The Korean Penisula - Climate Change And Rideshare vs. Taxi - Legal Gambling, Ex-Presidents Critical Of Trump, Defunding NPR And PBS - Intolerance In America And Technology - Take A Knee And Las Vegas Shooting - Winter Olympics - Gun Control And School Shootings - Law Enforcement Reality TV - The Psychology Of Cannibalism

Box Of Hot Air - Season 3 - Handicap Discrimination And Access - Personal Experiences With Death - Cost Of Education - Internet Retails Effect On Brick & Mortar - #Metoo Movement, Social Justice, And Women's Rights - Transportation

Enter My Microwaves - Season 1 - (Spoilers) A Year In The Life - Top Gear And Grand Tour - Revisionist History - Law & Order Characters Round 1 (Part 1) - Law & Order Characters Round 1 (Part 2) - Law & Order Characters Rounds 2-6 - Harry Potter Personality Test - Star Trek Bracket Challenge (Part 1) - Star Trek Bracket Challenge (Part 2) - Star Trek Bracket Challenge (Part 3) - MASH Bracket Challenge - XFiles Monsters Of The Week Bracket Challenge - Top Gear UK Specials

Enter My Microwaves - Season 2 - The 100 Bracket Challenge (Part 1) - The 100 Bracket Challenge (Part 2) - Grab Bag - Vacation Bracket - Reboots, Sequels, & Prequels - Catfish & Catfishing - (Spoilers) American Ripper - Criminal Minds Bracket

Enter My Microwaves - Season 3 - Burritos! - Art Of All Sorts - Winter Olympic Events - 7 Random Questions - Social Media Revolution - Privacy Concerns (Scott Moir x Tessa Virtue & Others) - Tabetha Plays Random Songs - Fast Food Signature Item Bracket - The Inevitable March Of Time - Fan Creations - Catalog Shopping And Oversized Furniture

Enter My Microwaves - Season 4 - Sort That (Part 1) - Random Internet Shopping - 7 Music Related Questions - Biographical Films - Discussing TV Shows From 82-83 TV Season

Next Best Podcast - Season 1 - Week 1 - Week 2 - Week 3 - Week 4 - Week 5 - Week 6 - Week 7 - Week 8 - Week 9 - Week 10 - Week 11 - Week 12 - Week 13 - Week 14 - Week 15 - Week 16 - Week 17 - Playoff Round 2

Next Best Podcast - Season 2 - Week 1 - Week 2 - Week 3 - Week 3 Review - Week 4 Picks - Week 4 Review - Week 5 Picks - Week 5 Review - Week 6 Picks - Week 6 Review & Week 7 Picks - Week 7 Review & Week 8 Picks - Week 8 Review & Week 9 Picks - Week 9 Review & Week 10 Picks - Week 10 Review & Week 11 Picks - Week 11 Review & Week 12 Picks - Week 13 Review & Week 14 Picks

On A Plane On A Plate - Season 1 - 2017 Peeps Flavors - Feel The Burn (Pepsi Fire) - Mystery Oreos - Salted Caramel Pepsi And Candies - Pizza - Cincinnati Chili - Burgers And Hotdogs - Frozen Party Foods - Cookie Trio Taste Test - What Foods Does Jason Like?

On A Plate - Season 2 - Gummies And Sour Candy - Snack Food Haul (Part 1) - Candy Bracket

Perfect Pairs - Season 1 - Maksyl Special - Valdaya Special Part 2 - Valdaya Special - Finals Post - Show - Finals Pre Show - Semifinals Post Show - Week 10 Pre Show Special - Week 9 Post Show - Week 8 Post Show - Week 7 Post Show - Sway Special Edition - Week 6 Post Show - Week 5 Switch Up Review - Week 4 Post - Show Review - Switch Up Special + Q & A - Weeks 1 - 3 Part 2 Week 4 Preshow - Weeks 1 - 3 Part 1 - Pre Show 09/15/14 - Ships And News - Season 16 Review

Perfect Pairs - Season 2 - Free Ballin It 2 - Emergency Episode - Pro Reveal Season 20 + Theories - Top 10 Val Dances (A Retrospective) Part 4 - Top 10 Val Dances (A Retrospective) Part 3 - Las Vegas Special - Top 10 Val Dances (A Retrospective) Part 2 - Top 10 Val Dances (A Retrospective) Part 1 - Hate In Ships - Free Ballin It - Pro Appreciation Q & A - It's All In The Numbers (Part 2) - It's All In The Numbers (Part 1) - Dream Cast - Mixed Bag - Think Before Posting

Perfect Pairs - Season 3 - Post Finals And Season Finale - Before The Finals - Semi-Finals - Choice And Trios Weeks - Eras Week - Spring Break Week - Shredder - Disney Week - Just Another Thursday Episode - Week 4 - Latin (Anger) Week - Solo Thursday - Week 2 - Red Room, Hallway Chatter, Confessions - Week 1 (Part 2) - Week 1 (Part 1) - More DWTS Confessions - DWTS Confessions - DWTS Drama - Season 20 Cast Reveal (Part 2) - Zendaya Red Carpet & Season 20 Cast Reveal

Perfect Pairs - Season 4 - Special Message From Jason - Weeks 4 & 5 - Weeks 2 & 3 - Week 1 - Casting Rumors And Controversies

Perfect Pairs - Season 5 - Season Finale - Trios Week - Judges Team Up Week - Icons Week - Famous Dances Week - Quick Take On Switch Up Week - Q & A Special - Disney Week Review - 20 Question Special - Week 3 Review - Weeks 1 And 2 Review

Perfect Pairs - Season 6 - Finals Part II - Finals Part I - Semi-Finals Week - Showstoppers Night - Halloween Night & Danceoffs - Eras Week And News - Latin Week - Propsal And Results - Cirque Du Solei Night - Faceoff Week - 100th Soundcloud Episode Special (Valdaya) - TV Week - Week 1 - SYTYCD Special - Cast Reveal Show - Rumors And Conjecture

Perfect Pairs - Season 7 - Finale (Part 2) / Future Ideas - Finals (Part 1) / Production Opinions - Semifinals - Quarterfinals (Trios Week) - A Night At The Movies - Boy Band/Girl Group Night - Disney Night - Most Memorable Year Week - Las Vegas Week Review - Week 2 Review - Week 1 Review - Pros Bracket Challenge - Cast Rumors And Thoughts On Season 24

Perfect Pairs - Season 8 - Finals Part 2 - Finals Part 1 - Semifinals - Trio Night - Halloween Night - Night At The Movies - Most Memorable Year Night - Guilty Pleasures Night - Latin Night - Ballroom Night - Week 1 Dance - Thoughts On S25 Cast - Before The 25th Season

Perfect Pairs - Season 9 - Pre Show Analysis And Thoughts - Opening Week (Part 1) - Opening Week (Part 2) - New York Night - Las Vegas Night - Week 1 (Juniors) - Most Memorable Year Night - Birth Year Dances (Juniors) - Trios Night - Disney Night (Juniors) - Disney Night - Halloween Night (Juniors) - Halloween Night - Country Night & Team Dances - Juniors Choice (Juniors) - Semifinals - Finals - Time Machine Night (Juniors) - Semifinals (Juniors) - Finals (Juniors)

Random Articles Season 1 - Cities - Ghost Partner And Canada 91 - Lucas And Jacqueline - Stars And Welsh Cinema - Women Pilots And 1958 Belgium - Ore Mountains And Just Legal - Manor And Doctor - Ukraine U19 Football Team And Hubert Tully - Coffee And Books And Flowers - Flower People and 52nd Berlin FF - Hadres And Dinosaur Discovery - Hixon And Faulkner - Season Finale

Random Articles Season 2 - Amps/Russian Finance/Gymnastic Album - Engal Selvi DPT Craig Pruess Middlethrope Hall - Three People And A River In Germany - A Village, A Philanthropist, A Cabinet Member, 1991 In Taiwan - Baroness, Public Transit, Expensive Artist, Ice Piers - Guy Who Likes Old Stuff, A Thai District, Greek Poet, Cardiff Arena - Well Known Irish Folk Song, Live Album, HK Acttion Flick, 3 Game NFL Player - Hockey Player Treaty Threatened Plant NZ Air School - Villages In Croatia And Laos Austrilian MP And Song - Race Car Driver 70's Computer Stuff Governor Of NM Ruler Of Cordoba - Football Fireflies Neurosurgeon 2 Cities Tennis - Education Times Two Korean Waterpark Jazz Album And Video Games - TV Episode Greek Settlement Historic Road Error Small Town And Ruler - Random Quotes - Random Quotes #2 - Random Questions - Tabetha Solo Random

The Sci-Fi Shuttle - Season 1 - Star Trek 50th Anniversary - What Makes Good Sci-Fi - Ensemble Casts - Sci Fi Horror And Fantasy - Star Trek The Animated Series - Doctor Who - Paranornal Reality TV - Stargate Franchise - Doctor Who Christmas Specials - 100 or 1,000 Years Question & Sci Fi Acceptance - X Files - Captain Pike And Proto Trek

The Sci-Fi Shuttle - Season 2 - The 100 Season 2 Review (Encoding Issue - Read Description) - RPG's - The 100 Season 3 Recap - Discussion (The 100) News (Star Trek) - VR Sci-Fi Gaming - Mythbusters And Mythbusters: The Search - Captain And XO Switcheroo - Alterate Realities - Doctor Who (Current Series And Theories) - The Master (Doctor Who) - 3 Questions 1 Answer - Fall/Spring TV Roundup & Subscription Services - (Spoilers) Ten Highly Rated Star Trek Episodes - (Spoilers) Star Trek Discovery Thoughts

The Sci-Fi Shuttle - Season 3 - Destination Truth And Expedition Unknown - Doctor Who Male Companions - (Spoilers) Star Trek Discovery S1 Reviews - (Spoilers) The Worst Of Trek - Three Questions About Trek - Picard Plus 4 Other Topics - Star Trek Quiz - 25 Sci-Fi Films - 13th Doctor Thoughts - Sci-Fi Horror Quiz - Star Trek Top 32 Episode Bracket - Sci-Fi Character Personality Quiz

The Solution Shirt - Season 1 - Bucket Of Doom #1 - Bucket Of Doom #2 - The Metagame #1 - The Metagame #2 - Snake Oil #1 - Bucket Of Doom #3 - The Metagame #3 - Bucket Of Angsty Manatees #1 - Cards Against Humanity - Snake Oil #2 - The Metagame #4 - 5 Second Rule

The Solution Shirt - Season 2 - Cards Against Humanity/Pretend You're Xyzzy #1 - Bucket Of Doom #4 - The Metagame #5 - 4 Card Story - Step Up - The Metagame #6

The Solution Shirt - Season 3 - Superfight - Superfight #2 - Joe Name It - Snake Oil (With A Twist) - Joe Name It 2 - Utter Nonsense! - Utter Nonsense!#2 - Joe Name It #3 - Puzzle Prime Brainteasers

Strummed Plucked Amped - Season 1 - Pilot - Under $100 Deals, Worst Effects, And The ES-335 - Iconic Instruments And More - The Latency Files - Review Extravaganza! - Beginner Guitars, Boutique Equipment, & Dream Guitars - Where Have All The Guitar Gods Gone? - Selling Hierarchy And More

Strummed Plucked Amped - Season 2 - Refurbished Guitars And More - Vox Super Beetle And More

T-10-T Season 1 - If I Left Zoo - The Unforgettable Fire - Revolver

[spiderfan22]

DAY TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHT - 2/1/17

“DUMPLINGS: A ONE-MAN PLAY FOR TWO ACTORS” (COMPLETE) by DJS

Finished it! More or less happy with the end result. The awesome thing is not knowing where the story is going. In fact, I read a blog the other day with tips on playwriting and it strongly recommended knowing your ending before starting out, and while that may work for some, I just couldn’t imagine denying myself the pleasure of discovering what the characters have in store for me. For instance, the whole bit with the hospital. Since the moment the character of Guest introduced that whole thing into the conversation, I was fairly confident Dan would have to address it and tell his story (my story of almost dying, but whatever). Then I got to that point in the story and realized, he didn’t want to talk about it. The character (me, ostensibly) was not ready to address that subject in his work yet. So he (I) didn’t. And I find that so incredibly subversive; not what an audience, or myself for that matter, would expect. I’m actually proud of that.

So here it is, check it out. From the top.

 Characters

  Dan, mid thirties

 Guest, same age or younger, better looking, any gender

   Place

 Any theater, on a mostly bare stage

   Time

 Now

   A Note on Dialogue

 A “/” in a character’s speech indicates where the next line of dialogue begins.

 Take on me (take on me)

Take me on (take on me)

 - A-ha, “Take On Me”

 The audience enters the theater to find the stage set with a table and two chairs. The table is rectangular, not huge, and covered with a protective layer of white butcher paper. And the chairs should be upstage of the table, side by side, facing the audience.

 Preshow music is fun 90’s pop, a playlist that must include “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.

 At rise Dan and Guest come onstage. They greet the audience, waving or giving small bows. A combination of both is fine, if warranted.

Then they sit.

 DAN

Ok. So first off-

           GUEST

First off?

           DAN

Firstly?

           GUEST

Can I stop you right there? Is there going to be a “secondly”?  Or “second off”?

           DAN

Yes. But chances are I won’t frame it that way. I don’t really have a bullet point sort of system…

           GUEST

But you’re not flying by the seat of your pants, either.

           DAN

No. No, / no.

           GUEST

Ok. Good. So: first off.

           DAN

First off, yes.

    (to Guest)

Welcome!

           GUEST

Oh!

           DAN

Thanks for being here. For uh, joining me.

           GUEST

Well, it’s a pleasure. I’ve never made dumplings before!

           DAN

But I assume you’ve had them, eaten …

           GUEST

You assume correctly – making neither an ass of you or me in the process. No, yes, I have partaken. Both at restaurants and frozen. From frozen I should say.

           DAN

Cool.

           GUEST

Very cool, yes, they were frozen.

           DAN

I see what you did there…

           GUEST

And no doubt appreciated it as much me.

           DAN

    (laughs)

So why don’t you ask how I came by this recipe?

           GUEST

Right: “How, on God’s green earth, did you come by this magnificent dumpling recipe that you are now only moments from sharing with the likes of little ol’ me? Oh gosh, how did I ever get so lucky?”

           DAN

Good of you to ask so un-prompted like that.

           GUEST

I try.

           DAN

You do try. You’re a good sport, Thank you. You’re a wonderful guinea pig for doing this. Thanks again for being here.

           GUEST

Thank you again for having me. You’re welcome.

           Beat.

           DAN

This is weird isn’t? I mean, it’s a little strange, right?

           GUEST

How come? Because our dialogue is scripted? And yet it’s made to seem – or we’re made to deliver it, perform uh – like we’re just making it up as we go along…?

           DAN

Having a natural conversation, yes.

           GUEST

Well, but I mean all drama’s scripted- TV, movies. Why should this be any-?

           DAN

I don’t know…

           Pause.

           GUEST

Y’know what? I wouldn’t worry about it.

           DAN

You wouldn’t?

           GUEST

No, not too much.

           DAN

But the suspension of disbelief thing…

           GUEST

Oh, well, that’s easy enough to get over. We’ll just ask the audience –

    (to audience)

Audience: please, we request your indulgence here tonight to suspend your disbelief at this play not being real? Our interactions, banter, etcetera, whatever we might do. That we’ve obviously rehearsed and… to make this appear, you know, for your benefit as much as ours, more life-like, when really it’s nothing but a fallacy. That we’re all “in on the joke” so to speak. What do you say? Can we get a round of applause consenting to the above?

 Guest encourages the audience to applaud their consent. The audience hopefully obliges.

           GUEST

There you go! See?!

    (or, if they happen to not)

Oh, well, there you go. We’re on our own, it seems.

           DAN

    (regardless of outcome)

Okay…

           GUEST

So where’d you get the recipe?

           DAN

Blue Apron.

           GUEST

The food delivery service?

           DAN

Well, you know. “Food delivery”

           GUEST

Why do you do that? Put food delivery in imaginary spoken suggested air-quotes?

           DAN

Well, because Blue Apron doesn’t deliver fully-formed, fully-cooked meals to your door, even to just pop in your oven – you have to make them yourself. Like a whole process with a recipe, ingredients- actual cooking. It’s not like ordering a pizza.

           GUEST

Or is it like ordering a pizza from Papa John’s? You bake it yourself.

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s.

           GUEST

Hmm?

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s, you’re thinking of Papa Murphy’s. Murphy’s is Take and Bake. Papa John’s is just like a regular restaurant. Or, not like a restaurant - you can’t eat there, they don’t have seating - but for pick-up. To-go.

           GUEST

Oh I see.

           DAN

Not to get off on a tangent there…

           GUEST

Really? You think this won’t be an evening full of delightfully kooky tangents /

           DAN

Well… /

           GUEST

and that that won’t end up being the whole point?

           DAN

Well-

           GUEST

I mean ‘cause let’s be honest here, if anyone was gonna be voted in high school Least Likely to Host His Own Cooking Show, that would be you. Your picture next to that dubious distinction. I mean with your history or lack thereof in the kitchen…?

           DAN

Brutal honesty.

           GUEST

I’s just calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

           DAN

And now racist.

           GUEST

How was that-?

           DAN

I don’t know. It just sounded like you were doing an old-timey black voice.

           GUEST

For your information that was my old-timey gangster.

           DAN

Great, good - can we move on?

            GUEST

Not without first – first off – acknowledging the glowing pink, like neon elephant in the room.

           DAN

O-K.

    (waits)

Which is what…?

           GUEST

Which is- You don’t know how to cook.

           DAN

Yes I do. I know how to cook-

           GUEST

You don’t-

           DAN

I do. I’m learning how to cook. That’s like the whole point of Blue Apron-

           GUEST

I thought the whole point of Blue Apron was to take the work out of- you know, the shopping, prep, etc.-

           DAN

Oh, you still do prep.

           GUEST

Like cut up vegetables and-?

           DAN

Yeah, they just send you the proper amounts of -

         GUEST

Well that… kind of sucks doesn’t it? I’m thinking for like the single woman on the go, her mindset. Doesn’t that just make more work?

           DAN

Yes and no. Is it as fast as a microwave dinner? No. Is it about the same time as ordering take-out from some place, pizza-?

           GUEST

Yeah, but you don’t actually have to make the pizza, shred the cheese, chop up the peppers, mushrooms, olives-

           DAN

Olives…nobody chops up olives, you buy pre-sliced in the can, or halved / or -

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Why, because it would just be inconvenient to-

 GUEST

Aha! See! See! Thank you, you’ve just made my point for me. Why can’t Blue Apron like, I don’t know, dice up your onions for you? I mean some stuff must come already prepped, right? Like olives?

           DAN

A few things / but-

           GUEST

And you never wondered or wished or everything wasn’t that way? I mean if you ask me, I think they’re just trying to lower the cost of their overhead.

           DAN

Probably, but-

           GUEST

So why not pay a little more so you, the consumer, isn’t so burdened?

           DAN

But it’s not a burden.

         Guest looks at him skeptically.

           DAN

It’s not, it’s really… because like I said the whole point… well, not the whole point – I mean there’s the convenience factor/ and-

           GUEST

Even though you yourself said not a moment ago it was inconvenient.

           DAN  

    (ignoring that)

And ALSO- also getting to try a bunch of foods you never, to widen your scope, uh, palate to… But a large part, no, to return to the, is you learn how to cook.  For instance, you were lamenting the fact, laboring on the, that you had to prep all your own vegetables and stuff-

           GUEST

Well, not the olives it seems but…

           DAN

    (again, not letting himself be distracted)

WELL you might be surprised to know I have actually gotten much faster at dicing onions, for instance, I have my own method, not probably how the real chefs / do it-

           GUEST

Do you know that’s the second time you said “for instance” in the span of like a sentence? You just used it.

           DAN

What do you want me to say? “For example,” then-

           GUEST

But yeah, but, how many examples and for instances can you use before you just sound like you’re repeating yourself?

           DAN

    (staring at Guest)

Wow …

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

No. I just don’t know why you’re being so critical and attacking me all of a sudden.

           GUEST

All of a sudden? You mean in the ten minutes we’ve been out here?

           DAN

Regardless of, all this, of your hostility is coming out of nowhere.

           GUEST

Hostility.

           DAN

Yes.

           Guest considers this. Then:

           GUEST

Hey –

    (claps hands)

- fun experiment! Do you wanna let folks in on a peek behind the curtain?

           DAN

What are you talking about?

           GUEST

You know, the writerly process and whatnot…

           DAN

Seriously what are you-

           GUEST

When you first typed “hostility” – back when you were first writing the script – you didn’t type “hostility” you typed…?

           Pause.

           DAN

I don’t… what?

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

I don’t remember.

           GUEST

Yes you do. Come on.

           DAN

“Come on…” What, did I misspell hostility or-?

           GUEST

No, a completely different word.

 Pause. Dan shrugs, either he doesn’t know or he’s pretending not to. Either way:

  GUEST

Fine – play dumb. You originally typed HOSPITAL.

           DAN

Hospital?

           GUEST

Yeah, instead of hostility, hospital. As in “Paging Doctor Vega, Doctor Vega to the Emergency Room please”

           DAN

Wait – who is… / DOCTOR VEGA?

           GUEST

I can’t believe you’re pretending like you don’t remember.

           DAN

I’m not. / I don’t.

           GUEST

Yeah you do. / Yes you do.

           DAN

Why? Why would I lie? About something as stupid / as-

           GUEST

Uhhhhh to seem more smart, maybe? Or look less dumb.

           DAN

How would I…

    (pause)

Okay, first off –

           GUEST

Here we go again.

           DAN

FIRST OFF. It’s “smarter”. Not “more smart”.

           GUEST

WOW. Getting into a semantics argument this early, huh? You really wanna do that, go that route?

           DAN

Not really but you’re kind of forcing my hand-

           GUEST

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT’S ALWAYS BUGGED ME?

           DAN

Why are you yelling?

           GUEST

You know what’s always bugged me? The little quirks of the English language. Like how you’re supposed to say SMARTER, not MORE SMART. But you don’t say –and this is just a for instance –

    (Dan rolls his eyes)

FUN-ner. You say MORE FUN. I mean shoot, no wonder English is such a second language to people. It wouldn’t be my choice of a first.

           Beat.

           DAN

Can I continue with what I was saying now?

           GUEST

Oh, by all means, do, let’s.

           Beat.

           DAN

How would I like dumb? Because I made a mistake? A perfectly reasonable just ordinary typed-one-word-when-I-meant-another–

           GUEST

Exactly. Which is why you blowing it up into this whole thing and not just admitting to the teensiest of foibles-

           DAN

Because I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t make a mistake!

           Silence. A beat or two.

 GUEST

Y’know…?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

No, I was just gonna say: you know what’s so funny about overcompensation -?

           DAN

Oh my god. / Please

           GUEST

No, just- just hear me out-

           DAN

Like I could stop you.

           GUEST

Ha, yes.

    (considers that, then)

You know what’s so funny about overcompensation? I mean when people overcompensate? And it’s not select to some people and others immune, I think we all do it from time to time, when it suits us. Just our buttons get pushed and-

           DAN

Get to the, the thing, the crux of your… whatever.

           GUEST

    (defensive, even haughty)

I am! I will!

 But instead, there is a long pause. Guest scratches their head, in bemused thought.

           GUEST

Shit, you’re gonna hate me, but I lost my train of thought.

           DAN

    (deeply sarcastic)

Awesome.

           GUEST

Sorry, not my intention, just I was chugging along there pretty good and then whoops, jumped the track - /

DAN

Right

           GUEST

No survivors.

           DAN

Okay

           GUEST

Like that movie Titanic.

 Short pause, as Dan stares at Guest.

           GUEST

So but…

Wait, why are you staring at me like that?

    (No response)

Ooooooo-kay. Creepy. But, what do you think you’re overcompensating for?

    (Dan opens his mouth-)

And before you say anything, really think about it, I want you to really, like, plumb the depths of your… subconscious or, you know, I mean if that’s what’s coming into play here, blocking you from-

           DAN

Is this… are you like my therapist now? Who says I’m blocked?

           GUEST

I do. I say you’re blocked.  

           DAN

But blocked / how?

           GUEST

And I would never agree to be your therapist.

    (pause)

Just so we’re clear.

           Beat.

           DAN

Blocked how, though?

           GUEST

How are you-? By just not even being able to see how getting so defensive about something that’s ultimately this trivial- like all I was doing was relaying an amusing anecdote, that’s it, that’s all-

           DAN

But if I had made a mistake like that, - hostility instead of hospital- / I would

           GUEST

Hospital instead of hostility, but.

           DAN

Okay, now who’s getting hung up on semantics?

(No response, Guest waiting for him to continue.)

I would, I would admit it. If I had done it. But I didn’t so…

           GUEST

Oh man. If this was only like the NFL. Then we could go to the gametape, review the play. Literally, ha.  Then you would see.

           DAN

No, I wouldn’t. Because I didn’t type hospital, I typed / hostility.

 GUEST

    (not quite yelling)

Splendid! You’ve convinced me! End of conversation! Shall we move on?

           Long pause.

           DAN

I’m sorry.

           GUEST

You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who-

           DAN

Yeah but you were right, I got defensive / and-

           GUEST

And I just wouldn’t let it go.

    (pause, sentimental, about to cry?)

Still best friends?

           DAN

    (small pause)

Are we…best/…?

           GUEST

Fuck it. You know, let’s just move on.

           DAN

Okay!

           GUEST

Okay!

           DAN

Okay.

           GUEST

Alright, okay.

           Awkward pause.

           GUEST

Where were we?

           DAN

I think you were asking me where I got the recipe from.

           GUEST

Oh yeah Blue Apron wow okay. That was like way back on page four of the script. Huh. Hate to say I toldja so about the tangents, the going on tangents thing but…

           DAN

I know, but I also wrote all this, I wrote in the tangents, so…

           GUEST

Which quite possibly makes it even weirder.

           DAN

It does, quite possibly, yes.

           GUEST

And there’s no reason – sorry but – there’s no reason to get all high and mighty about, y’know, your position in relation to mine. Like you’re the creator of this whole thing, therefore you occupy this higher echelon of character within the, the narrative. I shouldn’t be made to feel, you know, belittled or… less than.

           DAN

I’m… Ok, sorry. That’s not what I meant though, and if you felt that way.

           GUEST

No, no, let’s just- we almost had it back on track, so let’s just go.

    (false positivity)

Blue Apron?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

I’m prompting you. This is kind of a do-over. Straight and to the point. No distractions, wild asides or tangents. Just good, clean – American - culinary fun.

           DAN

    (dubious)

Sounds… great.

Okay. Well…

We had started to / get-

           GUEST

Hold on a minute. Who’s “we”?

           DAN

…My wife and I.

           GUEST

Oh, ok. Proceed.

           DAN

We’d started to receive- or, I mean, we decided to try Blue Apron mostly because we had gotten in a food rut-

           GUEST

Food rut?

           DAN

Yeah, like eating the same dinner, same meals over and over again. And nothing imaginative either, just really like, really just gross food, y’know, nachos and sloppy joes, Manwich.

           GUEST

You don’t like Sloppy Joes?

           DAN

No, they’re fine, they’re… Just we- it was like we couldn’t.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

WE, we couldn’t think of other stuff to make. And my wife-

           GUEST

Shawna, you can say her name.

           DAN

-Shawna yeah, Shawna is a great cook. Very intuitive. Very good at – you know, not just following a recipe but instinctively about / knowing what, while you’re in the process of,

           GUEST

Sorry, what’s instinctive?

           DAN

knowing what’s needed. What’s…instinctive? / What do you-

           GUEST

Oh no, no, I get it now. She can think on her feet.

           DAN

Right, like with spices, knowing what to add, what something needs / and-

           GUEST

You’re not.

           DAN

No. I mean I was surprised at how often they tell you to salt and pepper what you’re making. Like at every stage, “add salt and pepper,” the recipe is very…emphatic about that, you’re supposed / to-

           GUEST

So they send you the recipe, the ingredients…

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

You get to pick or’s it just random the recipes they send you?

           DAN

You get to pick. You go on the website and there’s usually six, four to six options so you don’t have to get anything you won’t – for instance-

Dan stops. Looks at Guest expecting them to say something, but Guest very graciously waves their hand like it’s not worth getting into. Dan proceeds.

           DAN

For instance, Shawna’s allergic to lemon, uhhh, citrus, so we try to avoid recipes where that’s a big component. She also hates-HATES salmon in all its forms and configurations.

           GUEST

Configurations…

           DAN

Just go with me. So we obviously don’t order any salmon recipes.

           GUEST

Do you like salmon?

           DAN

Sure, but it’s not my favorite or anything.

And I veto stuff too. Like anything with couscous, or just bizarre vegetables I’ve never heard of.

           GUEST

You don’t like to try new stuff?

           DAN

It’s not… that. I try stuff. But I think we all have a, we all like certain things, are partial to, or not partial to. Foods. Food groups, uh-

           GUEST

Can I run a list with you real quick?

           DAN

A list of…?

           GUEST

Of foods you will and will not eat, try.

           DAN

Ohhh, okay.

           GUEST

You just say yes or no.

           DAN

K.

           GUEST

Couscous.

           DAN

N- no. I already told you that-

           GUEST

Fine, fine.

Just what’s your problem with couscous?

           DAN

The texture, I think? I don’t know, we got it once and / I just didn’t-

           GUEST

    (eager to continue)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um…

Bell peppers.

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

No?

           DAN

Too spicy.

           GUEST

But… bell peppers are like the LEAST SPICY of-

           DAN

Then I just don’t like the taste. I don’t like the taste they add.

           GUEST

Okay. Ummm.

Salmon-

           DAN

We already-

           GUEST

I know but other kinds of fish.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

So like a blanket “all fish” on that one.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Interesting…

           DAN

And I don’t mind a fish tasting like fish either, you know, having a fishy taste or smell?

           GUEST

Sure.

Beets?

           DAN

Eww. No.

           GUEST

Fennel.

           DAN

Um, I don’t really… have an opinion…

           GUEST

Kale, then.

           DAN

Uhhh. In small doses, sure.

           GUEST

What’s a / small dose…?

           DAN

Practically non-existent.

           GUEST

Huh.

Interesting.

    (Pause. Dan looks at Guest like “What?”)

You’re kind of a picky eater aren’t you?

           DAN

/ No

           GUEST

Not all the way picky, I mean you eat all the normal stuff frou-frou’ed up a bit, but not really / that adventurous.

           DAN

SUSHI.

           GUEST

    (amused; knows where this is going)

What about it?

           DAN

Sushi’s not adventurous? RAW FISH / is not -?

           GUEST

I mean for your family maybe it’s exotic, for someone like your dad or your sister? But in the grand, you know, “scheme” of things…? Sushi’s not all that… because people like sushi.

    (an afterthought)

Sushi is not a barometer.

           Beat.

           DAN

Well maybe, but that still doesn’t make me a picky eater.

           GUEST

Then my impression was obviously wrong.

           DAN

    (slight pause)

I used to be.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

More picky. Or selective. I didn’t even try coffee until I was almost thirty.

           GUEST

What about in college? How did you stay up to write papers and stuff?

           DAN

Oh, that’s easy. Masturbation.

           Long, long beat. Guest is abashed.

           GUEST

Excuse me? That’s kind of an admission, / don’t you think?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

To just make, to just… reveal like that, in front of a paying audience no less.

 DAN

Oh, c’mon, it’s not this big embarrassing… thing. It’s like that book, Everybody Poops. Well, Everybody Masturbates, too.

           GUEST

And yet no one’s penned that bestseller yet. Just a matter of time I guess. You should write the foreword.

    (Dan shrugs)

You’re not even blushing.

           DAN

Should I be?

           GUEST

It’s just not the sort of behavior I’d expect from you.

           DAN

Well, I’m thirty-three.

           GUEST

And age factors into this how…?

           DAN

I’m getting older. Maybe I’m getting more honest too.

           GUEST

    (a trace of skepticism)

More honest?

           DAN

Yeah. What?

           GUEST

Oh no, it’s just…

    (pause)

Hospital.

Not

Hostility.     I just wondered / if I was talking to the same-

           DAN

    (exploding from his seat)

I DIDN’T TYPE HOSPITAL! I DIDN’T-

           GUEST

Yes, yes, continue to deny, continue to … But I was there, I know. I KNOW. I know what you typed and the fact you can’t admit it just about drives me to drink.

    (light bulb)

IN FACT!-

           Guest abruptly exits into the wings.

         Dan looks after them.

           DAN

    (to audience)

Where did they go?

    (long pause)

I didn’t type hospital, I swear. I mean I wouldn’t go to war like this over something so… miniscule, nothing. They’re just trying to get to me for whatever reason. I mean it doesn’t make sense. This is supposed to be an evening of cooking and light chatter! No heavy topics! No introspection, self or otherwise! And no grilling the host! But they seem intent on prodding and, and needling me. Why? Just to provoke a reaction?

 Guest re-enters, bottle of wine in hand, but hangs on the periphery, speaks directly to Dan, almost a challenge:

           GUEST

Tell them about the hospital.

Dan stares like a deer in headlights. No response.

 GUEST

  (more insistent)

Talk to them about the hospital.

 No response. Guest has to resist the urge to go and hit Dan. Takes a big swig from the bottle instead. Exits again.

 DAN

    (another beat, then to audience)

Okay, that was fucking weird, right? I mean, I know what they’re talking about but… I mean that has nothing to do with, with anything. It’s just a coincidence. It’s just a coincidence I typed hospital not hostility, and…

 Dan trails off, realizing his admission. Looks at audience.

         DAN

Ok, I did. I originally when I was writing the play typed HOSPITAL instead of HOSTILITY. There, okay? You CAUGHT me. I LIED, um…

    (pause)

But it still doesn’t mean anything. I wasn’t thinking about the hospital- and yes, there is a hospital story, MY hospital story, of my time in the… and I’d be perfectly fine, you know, telling it, but the actual, like, crux of this piece, has nothing to do with, to do with… that. What happened. It Just Doesn’t. Okay?

Why they’re on me about it – I know I lied but…

Can we just focus on that a minute?

 Guest walks back in, wine bottle in hand.

 GUEST

Focus on what?

           Guest sits. Pause.

           DAN

Are you really drinking?

           GUEST

Yes I’m REALLY DRINKING.

    (as they take a big swig)

           DAN

Ok. I guess I just wanted to know why you want me to talk about the hospital so bad.

           GUEST

I don’t.

           DAN

Now what kind of idiot response is that?

           GUEST

YOUR idiot response. YOU wrote the play…

           DAN

Could you please stop throwing that in my face?

           GUEST

    (baby-voice)

Ohhhhh. Is it such an insult? Ohhhhhh. I’m sowwweeeeee.

           DAN

Stop it.

    (Guest continues making pouty baby faces.)

C’mon, stop- stop it- STOP!!!

    (Guest stops)

Look, do you want me to show you how to make dumplings or not?

           GUEST

By all means.

    (very poorly acted “stage” drunk)

By ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

           Beat.

           DAN

OK. Ignoring that…

I’ll be right back.

           Dan starts for the wings.

           GUEST

Where are you going?

           DAN

To get the supplies. Ingredients, tools…

           GUEST

Tools?

           DAN

Spoons and forks.

           GUEST

    (dismissive)

Fine.

           DAN

Is there a problem?

           GUEST

Not in the slightest! Take your time! Go, go! Shoo.

 Guest waves Dan off, who exits with an uncomprehending and slightly annoyed look. Beat. Guest turns their attention to the audience. A smile.

 GUEST

    (holding up bottle)

This isn’t real. There’s actually no wine in it…

    (turns bottle over, not a drop spills out)

…and I bet I didn’t fool you either! I was never that good, could never really pull off stage drunk.

(They set the bottle aside. Pause.)

None of this is real. Just so you know.  Well, I mean, obviously. You’re at a show, we’re playing make believe up here. But the conceit of the thing, right? Dan wrote himself AS A CHARACTER into his own play. PLAYED by an ACTOR – not himself. Which has gotta be its own like snake-swallowing-its-own tail challenge for an actor. Believe me, I do feel sorry for (insert first name of actor playing Dan), that can’t be easy. And when we were in rehearsal, the author watching you, watching YOU play THEM. That’s just like a cruel, like a sado-masochistic mindfuck. I mean inhabiting, or you know, realizing for an actor effectively a fictional character is hard enough. But a real person? And way more than even, like, some historical figure, like you were playing Abraham Lincoln or whomever, you know, there’s a remove there, some distance. But to ask someone to play YOU. Just a… I mean if there are any writers or inspiring out there – first, thank you for coming, keep pursuing your dreams, your craft, honing it, etcetera – but –  

    (shaking head)

Don’t do that. Keep it simple, huh? A bedroom farce or uhhh, courtroom drama! Audiences love those.  Or you know who really had a good bead on the whole theater thing? Neil Simon. Nothing too complicated there!  

    (pause)  

I bet he thinks he’s real clever. Especially coming up with me. “Guest”

    (They do real air-quotes.)

Sort of an alter ego. Or not an alter ego, but like what’s that Shakespeare line about holding a mirror up to nature? Who said that – Hamlet? It was probably Hamlet. Hamlet got all the good lines.  God I would love to play Hamlet.

    (dramatically)

The melancholy prince!

Now there’s a role you could really sink your teeth into. “To be or not…” y’know?

 Sound of something being dropped/crashing offstage. We hear Dan cursing:

           DAN

    (off)

Shit! Fuck…

 Guest moves off into the wings. The stage is empty. We hear their dialogue faintly:

 GUEST

(off)

What happened? Can I help? Do you need / any-

 DAN

(off)

It’s fine. I don’t think I lost too much of the filling, I can clean it, try to salvage… Just what are you talking about out there?

           GUEST

    (off, quickly)

What? Nothing. Normal subjects. Innocuous.   Inconsequential, really. No one complaining at all.

           DAN

    (off)

Well, get back out there. I mean it’s gotta be boring for the audience just an empty stage. They’re probably confused. Or just irritated. I’ll be out in a minute.

           GUEST

    (off)

Ok… Are you / sure?

           DAN

    (off)

Yeah, yeah, go. This is dead air! Or whatever the stage equivalent I don’t know is.

 Guest returns. A lost little puppy for a sec.

           GUEST

Dan’s got it, I guess. Under control.

    (mission control/radio voice)

Repeat: the situation is under control. The situation is under-…

 Guest trails off, that sudden silly-happy spirit gone as quickly as it came. Lost again. Beat. Then quietly:

         GUEST

Hey, do you wanna hear a story? Or not even a story but like more of an anecdote? Or not even an anecdote but just something I noticed about me recently? It was when I was getting my hair cut. I go to one of those cheapy-y places so generic I can’t even remember the name of it. Great Clips…? Smart Cuts…? I don’t know, not important. I just noticed that I am the worst at hair stylist chit-chat. Like they try to engage me in, you know, very general-type topics. BROAD: we’re talking local sports, TV shows, friendly, nothing too personal or that would force you to “out” yourself on any particular controversial issues. Like they’re not hitting me with where I stand on a woman’s right to choose.  I’m in favor obviously but - I mean a woman’s body is her own… thing.  But I’m getting off topic.  The point is the normal chit-chat thing people do so effortlessly? Small-talk, right, you would call it?  I can’t. I can’t.  I am just incapable for whatever reason of sustaining for any length of time, you know, beyond the perfunctory responses of, just basic like “Good.” “Yeah.” “Sure.”

A for instance or example?

One time I’m sitting there, in the chair, the barber’s, and I’m wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. Pretty much my usual get-up, Star Wars or something superhero related…

 (Important Note: however Guest is costumed, it must be explicit in how they are styled that they would never, under any circumstances, wear Star Wars or other geek related apparel. They are just not that person. To put it more bluntly, Guest is lying right now.)

 GUEST

…I’m kind of a geek that way. Or just really, really set in my ways. Like I want to be able to reach into my drawer in the morning and grab a shirt and not have to worry about it, like I’ll look down and I won’t even know what I put on but it’s okay ‘cause it’s  “Hey, cool, Spider-Man.”

 Anyways, I’m wearing a Star Wars shirt. And I sit down and the first thing-

 Well, I mean let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that it can’t be easy for the stylist either. I mean I’m sure when they go to beauty school or whatever they’re not given lengthy courses on social discourse. But a big part of their job is to be this talkative, you know, outgoing, to engage the customer, to build a rapport in that thirty minutes or an hour not much time, so that 1) the customer feels safe, you know, reasonably sure this total stranger with a sharp object isn’t going to just stab them in the eye, or slit their throat Sweeney Todd style, but is also a professional who’s gonna make them look good. And secondly, the haircut industry being a gratuity-inclusive system, they want you to like them because they make more if you like them, the idea being here that a lot of time when you get a haircut, you’re pretty much just looking for the same thing you got last time, so what you’re really judging them on is personality. How were they personally with you.  I mean am I wrong? I don’t think so, but speak up now or forever hold your peace.

 No but it’s, I guess what I’m trying to say is it takes two to tango. And the conversation, if that other person’s not giving, usually the customer… oh, it’s death. It is death to sit through. For both parties. Because there’s that forced feel to everything, like you’re not in Great Clips anymore but the dentist, ‘cause it’s like pulling teeth. Ugh!

 But anyway, back to my story. So I was sitting there, or I was sitting down, they’d just called my name. And the stylist – and isn’t it that they always tell you their names and you even shake hands but I can never remember – the stylist says, she notices my shirt and says, “Oh did you see that new Star Wars movie?” A completely non-loaded, just chit-chatty question. And my response is, I go “Yeah…” and sort of trail off, “Yeah, yeah…” totally non-committal. So then she asks if I liked it, a natural follow-up, and I just say, “Yeah, it was okay.” Again, the most wishy-washy bullshit response. I don’t elaborate, I don’t ask if she’s seen it, I don’t ask if she’s more of Star Wars person or Star Trek, or a million other lines of inquiry I could have gone down, I don’t say anything, I don’t engage her back, I just leave her there hanging, this perfectly nice, just-doing-her-job, just trying to get through her shift, you know, vary the days- and I always tip well, I always tip like five bucks, it’s not that it’s just- I feel like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain here. Y’know?

 And the reasons for that are… well, they’re… they probably just come down to me being so introverted. Like that’s just my wiring, that’s just how I’m built. And it’s sucky, it… yeah. Kind of debilitating.

    (Pause. Guest makes sad trombone sound:)

Wah-wah.

    (Pause. Then as Dan re-enters)

But it’s not like I can just stop getting my hair cut either.

 Dan enters with a large mixing bowl covered by saran wrap.

 DAN

    (overhearing)

What about a haircut?

He sets the bowl on the table.

           GUEST

Oh, nothing. Just some sad pathetic story I was telling them.

           DAN

It wasn’t boring was it?

 GUEST

    (considers that)

I don’t think so. Introspective, sort of rambling…

    (to audience)

I don’t know, what did you all think? Did you think my story was boring? Or maybe it held some special significance for you, was RELATABLE even…?

           DAN

A haircut – how is that relatable?

           GUEST

Well, we all get haircuts don’t we?

           DAN

Most people, yeah…

           GUEST

Well, see. There you go. There you are.

           DAN

    (mocking, lightly)

There I am.

           Dan exits again.

           GUEST

Where are you going now?

           DAN

    (off)

Just a few more things. I only have two hands.

           GUEST

I said I would help.

           DAN

    (off)

I know.

    (returning)

I know.

 Dan carries on a plate with two spoons, two forks, and a thick stack of pre-moistened dumpling wrappers. Everything goes on the table.

 GUEST

Smells good.

           DAN

That’s the filling, yeah.

           GUEST

What’s in it?

           DAN

Mushrooms and cabbage.

           GUEST

MMMMM. All chopped up together?

           DAN

Yeah/

           GUEST

Cooked or?

           DAN

Yeah, sauteed.

           GUEST

Can I try it?

           DAN

…Sure.

           GUEST

Is that ok?

           DAN

Yeah go ahead.

 Guest removes the saran wrap from the bowl and, using one of the forks, brings a mouthful of filling from to their lips and blows on it.

 DAN

It’s not hot.

           GUEST

Oh.

    (Guest tries the filling. Nodding)

Mmmm. Oh. Yeaaaah.

           DAN

Good?

           GUEST

Yeah, really. I can’t wait to try it in the actual dumplings.

           DAN

Then let’s get started.

 Dan sits down and starts to lay out the materials. Guest joins them at the table.

 GUEST

You seem more in a chipper mood than when we last saw you.

           DAN

Well, I took some time backstage to think about things.

           GUEST

Like what?

           DAN

Just my general outlook on our relationship. The dynamic we share.

           GUEST

And what conclusion did you come to about that?

           DAN

That you’re not really my antagonist in this thing.

           GUEST

How profound.

           DAN

And even when you make comments like that, “How profound”, which could read like you’re trying to get at me, needle me into blowing up again, this big reaction, you’re IN ACTUALITY doing me a favor.

           GUEST

A favor.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

What kind?

           DAN

Well, you’re supposed to be like that little voice inside my head, right? You know the one: that I argue with, that’s always criticizing me, making me feel bad, guilty, or just shitty; that overanalyzes every interaction, stretching moments, obsessing over the minutest; that worries me, panics me, berates me, frustrates me, makes me feel like the most disgusting human being for even thinking that, scares me into a corner, then fucks with me taunting me from the dark.

           Beat.

           GUEST

And that’s who I am?

           DAN

Well yeah, pretty much. You’re an instigator, right? A rabble rouser; a provocateur.

           GUEST

Don’t get foreign with me.

    (pause)

So if I’m not the antagonist – which, let’s be honest, your description of me doesn’t entirely jive with if I’m always this critical apparition, I don’t know if that’s the word you’d use but – this kind of identity in your life, causing you stress and, just creating all sorts of turmoil for you. So if I’m not that, DESPITE what you claim, what does that not make you: the hero?

           DAN

Exactly. I think we’re really blurring the lines here into a grey area of, of thinking about character.

           GUEST

Awesome, ‘cause everyone loves the color grey so much. Grey really pops.

           DAN

I love you.

           GUEST

Oh shut the fuck up, are you high?        

            DAN

What??

           GUEST

No seriously, are you on something? Right now?

           DAN

…no.

           GUEST

You hesitated.

           DAN

Only a beat. And it was because your accusation is totally ridiculous-

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Because I’M NOT.

           GUEST

The lady doth protest too much I think.

           DAN

The lady doth protest as much as it takes when she’s TELLING the TRUTH.

           GUEST

Your mood.

           DAN

What about / it?

           GUEST

Just like you flipped a switch. And people don’t have swings like that all willy-nilly, apropos of nothing.

           DAN

What about bipolars?

           GUEST

We’re not TALKING about people who spend half their year living in the ARCTIC CIRCLE.

Now something kicked you in the ass mood-wise, and if you think I’m just going to let you get away / with it again-

           DAN

Get away with what? / With what again?

           GUEST

With turning this into another hospital-hostility situation, it’s NOT gonna happen. NO LIES-

           DAN

But I didn’t, I… there was nothing-

           GUEST

BullSHIT, Dan. Now what is it? You don’t seem drunk.

           DAN

I’m not.

           GUEST

    (finding the bottle they brought onstage)

And neither was I for that matter. That was merely a clever acting ruse for yours and the audience’s amusement.

           DAN

Don’t you mean a-RUSE-ment?

 Dan smiles gleefully. Guest starts to crack, and it takes all of their willpower to keep them from smiling too.

 GUEST

You will not – break me – with bad puns.

           DAN

But they’re your weakness.

           GUEST

No, they’re YOURS.

           DAN

Touché.

           GUEST

    (pause)

The fact you just said “touché” like that, with that little smirk on your face, totally un-ironical, means you’re DEFINITELY on something. You are UP.

           DAN

Better than down.

           GUEST

Stop turning everything around, that’s just easy! Stop quipping!

           DAN

    (channeling Devo)

When a problem comes alone, you must quip it!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

Quip it good!

           GUEST

I will fucking hit you.

Plus I think they already made that joke in one of the Austin Powers movies, so kudos for the retread.

           DAN

Well, it’s a popular song.

           GUEST

You can’t stop.

           DAN

I can, I’m just choosing not to. The shoe’s on the other foot now and if you can’t take the heat maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to vacation on the sun.

           GUEST

You’re insufferable. You INVITED me here-

           DAN

Oh sorry, am I not being a good host? Let me get your coat…

 Dan moves to remove Guest’s non-existent jacket. It almost gets physical as Guest shakes him off.

They stare at each other for a beat, Dan grinning, Guest more nervous and worried than anything.

 DAN

    (calculated)

By the way, nice haircut.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

Oh, you just look like you got your hair cut recently. For that matter, so do I. Because I did. For the show. It was getting pretty shaggy.

           GUEST

Ok…

           Silence.

           DAN

So did you get your hair cut or what?

           GUEST

…Yeah. Yes.

           DAN

Sharp.  Sharp ‘do.

           GUEST

I don’t like you like this.

           DAN

Like what?

           GUEST

On the attack.

           DAN

Have I attacked you?

           GUEST

No, but you’re stalking me like I’m your fucking prey.

           DAN

You know there’s not some invisible sound-proof barrier between the stage and the wings, right? That I could hear every word of your little “monologue”?

 And this time he actually does the air-quotes thing.

 GUEST

So?

           DAN

So that wasn’t you. It was me. That was my story you told, passed off as your own. MY awkwardness. I’M the one who doesn’t know how to talk when I’m getting a haircut. I’M the one with no small talk game. YOU on the other hand…

         But he stops, relishing the moment.

           GUEST

Me on the other hand what?

           DAN

You’re personable. Not exactly an extrovert, but certainly less introverted.

           GUEST

That’s not true. Sometimes-

           DAN

No, all the time. That’s your character.

           GUEST

Says you.

           DAN

Says me, yes.

           GUEST

But not even you.

           DAN  

Y’know, for the sake of argument, can we just dispense with the whole metatexual, what’s-real-and-what’s-not thing and just play the dramatic moment for real, straight. Can we do that? Can you?

           GUEST

I’m game.

           DAN

Good. Thank you.

           GUEST

Welcome.

           DAN

So we started off the evening you attacking me. Now the tide has turned and you’re on the defensive. So what? The world’s unfair. You ask for sympathy, you expect anyone to / with you right now, sympathize?

           GUEST

No, but you were lying. You started lying. / You LIED.

           DAN

I never / lied.

           GUEST

Hospital not hostility.

The backstage thing cuts both ways you son of a bitch, I could hear everything you said too, your little slip and subsequent confession-

           DAN

So?

           GUEST

So you can admit it to them

    (re: audience)

And not to me?

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Why? Why not to me? Because you’ve lost enough face anyway tonight, what’s a nostril more?

           DAN

    (pause)

It’s embarrassing.

           GUEST

That’s not what you said an hour ago or whenever it was. You said it was pointless. You said it was a mistake anyone could make. A typo.

           DAN

But you kept persisting-

           GUEST

Only after you immediately went on the defensive.

           DAN

No, no, before that you had already been on me. Poking at me with little… just breaking up my momentum, these little interjections, picking at me.

           GUEST

I thought that was my function.

           DAN

Yes and no.

           GUEST

How yes and how no?

           DAN

We’re naturally combative. Not just you, me too. And the back and forth, if we’re not nipping at each other’s heels the whole way… well, it wouldn’t be very interesting, would it? Not much of a scene.

           GUEST

Sure.

           DAN

You agree?

           GUEST

I concur.

           DAN

So that… you do… you are here for that reason. To challenge me. To present an obstacle to what I want.

           GUEST

Wait, what do you want?

    (Silence.)

Are you going to tell me? Do you even know?

           DAN

I do, it’s just not an easy question.

           GUEST

I think you mean it’s not an easy answer.

           DAN

See? To the end we’re like this. At each other. We can’t help it. No,

           BOTH

    (not precisely in unison)

We were written this way.

           Silence for a long beat.

           GUEST

What do you want, Dan?

           DAN

To make something.

           GUEST

What something?

           DAN

Just something good.

           GUEST

That’s vague.

Are you implying you want to do something with your art?

           DAN

Maybe.

           GUEST

That would… that kind of has to do with the hospital, doesn’t it?

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

The hospital didn’t make you stop and reevaluate your life?

           DAN

Of course it did, / but-

           GUEST

Then what’s the problem?

           DAN

I’m not ready to tell that story.

           Beat.

           GUEST

I know.

           DAN

And it was just a coincidence…

           GUEST

I know.

           DAN

…Typing, it was a typo…

           GUEST

I know.

           DAN

Then why did you seize on it like you did? Just relentless-

           GUEST

Because it’s in the script. It says I have to. The lines are right there.    

(then)

And I’m nothing if not professional.

           DAN

Very good.

           GUEST

Thanks. Thanks for having me. Though I’d be remiss if I didn’t say I was a little bummed you not telling the hospital story.

           DAN

Another time. Another show.

           GUEST

Can I come back for that one?

           DAN

We’ll see. It’s gotta be right.

           GUEST

Ugh! Perfectionist. Can’t you just sell-out and tell big heart-warming stories that the masses flock to like lemmings?

           DAN

Not my style, unfortunately.

           GUEST

So what do we do til then?

           DAN

Til what?

           GUEST

Til you open up and can tell that other story.

           DAN

Just wait I guess.

           GUEST

The Hospital Story. A New Play by Dan Story.

           DAN

Now it’s my turn to say ugh. I hate that title.

           GUEST

Change it.

           DAN

Ooo! I am good at titles. / Like this other play I’m writing,

           GUEST

You say that so un-modestly.

           DAN

    (continuing)

this play Drones, all about this couple stuck in a rut, just doing the same thing, the same mundane, so they’re basically drones. But it’s when this drone hits their house – actually crashes through their dining room window – that it’s this big, it creates this seismic shift / that-      

         GUEST

Your basic inciting incident, sure.

           DAN

So it’s not a revolutionary concept. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel.

           GUEST

That’s a relief, because I’m pretty sure they got that right on the first pass.

 Dan stares at Guest, a tight amused smile.    

 DAN

To the end.

           GUEST

The very bitterest.

    (an idea)

Here.

           Guest offers the wine bottle to Dan.

           DAN

But it’s empty.

           GUEST

Pretend.

           DAN

Pretend to drink air?

           GUEST

You’re an actor, right? You pretended to smile there a second ago. You’re smiling now.

           DAN

Because I actually feel like smiling.

           GUEST

Me too.

 They look at each other, smiling. Long pause, then breaking:

 GUEST

That was so fucking cheesy.

           DAN

I know, I can’t believe he made us do that.

           GUEST

Let’s sit down.

           DAN

    (“yes”)

PLEASE.

 They sit. Dan looks inside the bottle skeptically, sniffs. Then he “drinks”.

 DAN

    (“thirst quenched”)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…

 GUEST

    (taking the bottle from him)

Give me that.

           Guest drinks. They laugh.

 DAN

So maybe we should actually make these dumplings.

           GUEST

Yeah, not the worst idea. I mean all the materials are present and accounted for. Would be a waste.

           DAN

Shall I show you?

           GUEST

I am putty in your hands. Teach me, Sensei.

           DAN

Again with the racism?

           GUEST

How is sensei racist?

           DAN

You’re not Asian!

           GUEST

For your information, my karate teacher when I was a kid was white.

           DAN

And you called him sensei?

           GUEST

No, we called him Dale and he owned a jewelry store. Always wore this thick gold chain under his gi.  Actually he was kind of an asshole.

           DAN

Yeah he was.

           More laughter.

           GUEST

So: where do we start?

           DAN

Well, first you gotta set yourself up a little dumpling assembly station.

           GUEST

Which consists of?

           DAN

    (displaying items)

Well, you’ll need a mat. A fork. A spoon. A small bowl of luke-warm water. The dumpling filling, of course. And the wrappers.

           GUEST

Check, check, and check.

 The lights start a very slow fade to black, and will finally go out at the end of the play. Dan demonstrates, Guest following his instructions.

           DAN

So you use your spoon… no, your spoon, not the fork – and spoon a small amount of filling into the center of the dumpling wrapper?

           GUEST

    (re: dumpling wrappers)

These are hard to get apart.

           DAN

Yeah, separating them can be… just take your / time…

           GUEST

Got it. So just a single spoonful?

           DAN

Yeah, not too much, or you won’t be able to close the dumpling over it. That’s good.

           GUEST

Ok, so then you fold…

           DAN

Yeah. Wait, I missed a step, don’t close it yet.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

The bowl full of water, you have to wet the edges first. Around the edge of the wrapper-

           GUEST

Oh. Ok.

           DAN

Again, just a little, you don’t want to soak it, but otherwise the wrapper won’t stick together. There, good.

           GUEST

So now fold it.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

And then I think I know what the fork’s for.

           DAN

Yeah, well, I mean you’ve seen a dumpling before. So you just seal it around the edge, pressing down with the…

           GUEST

Cool.

 Guest has completed making a single dumpling.

           DAN

And there you have it. Wah-lah, you made a dumpling.

           GUEST

    (weirdly proud)

Yeah.

    (pause, then)

Only technically isn’t this more of a potsticker?

           DAN

Really?

 But before they can get into it again, the lights have gone out.

 Music. Bows.

 End of play.

[9w1ft]

feels a little early to be writing a year-in review but i find myself in a quiet moment so i thought i’d tap a few things out

in 2019, in all facets of my life, i faced a challenge of some sort and i surprised myself as i held my ground more often than ran away, which felt new. what *also* felt new was this sense of ease i began having professionally, when it came to conceptualizing and making decisions. sorta feels like a lot of things are crystallizing.

in terms of life on here, i didn’t have TSL for the majority of the year (anybody out there remember TSL?!) so i busied myself with crafting fun memories on my own. there were spans of weeks where i’d just get on a tear and run into one new thing after the other and it was all really just fantastic. i gave myself permission to indulge in the most decadent of things and to follow the most mercurial of assumptions to places i thought closed off.

i’m pretty sure i’ve smiled and laughed more over this year than i ever have in my entire life. no joke.

here are some kaylorverse moments that brought me joy in 2019:

it’s nice to have a friend

2018 was my first year being a kaylor and i just sort of was moreover on the contributor or commenter side of things so 2019 was interesting in that when taylor really leaned into the gay imagery leading up to album release, i started getting newer people sending me stuff! and asking me my takes on things! and like, my words suddenly had weight for some reason? it felt weird but i truly enjoyed getting to talk with so many different people and hear their ideas and laugh and such. that was markedly different from last year. from within this, 79-swift reached out to me with the eye theory, the most beautiful and rare of observations by a singularly lovely individual that i have dedicated my life to protecting and promoting. and i feel like i’ve gotten to know many people i knew through 2018 more deeply and have come to accept the role i play, lean in to it, and formulate my own truth of the matter, and that sort of heightened perspective on it has been a blessing and i’m so thankful for this strange sense of camaraderie that has formed with many of you? thank you??? and my conviction, and my wishes, for the girls to find happiness have only strengthened this year... im committed to seeing this through whether people like it or not!! harumph!

block ‘em

i also started proactively curating my experience.. that’s right! i began blocking trolls with reckless abandon, and i turned anons off! 😂 and damn it’s so much more worthwhile of a time on here when you set aside people that only want to ruin your day.

i got over my fear of eyeballs!!

😂 no seriously, body horror and in particular eyes out of context was actually sort of a thing that previously creeped me out BUT LOOK AT ME NOW. i’m gonna do my best not to rehash the eye theory, please read the post and recall the number of times i filipped out 😂 each and every one is precious to me

also

geeking out with bert and ernie gifs with kaylorfossil and making empsmd-blog drop her debit card need a mention.

the ME! music playlist.

i fell in love with so many songs and like, running into eye motifs in so many of the songs, lyrically and visually, was the most hilarious thing. but really just a lot of the songs really tapped at my soul with an ice pick and i even went to go see The Japanese House live in Osaka which was transcendental and i’m just so thankful for having taylor introduce Good At Falling to me because it was a *necessary* album.

i made and collected stuff

i made and amassed many artifacts that one day i can look back on and remember what a wild ride it has been. some favorites are my procuring of the pixel art heart ring from the ME! mv (a nod to my tsl days..), as well as the evil eye ring.. i didn’t physically make this but the eye theory made the taydar podcast and there’s nothing i enjoy more in this world than making someone giggle and i just love that the episode exists. making that kaylor straw was 👌 working on a mock-up of the golden locket has been very satisfying. i started incorporating fun kaylor winks into my artwork as well which was fun, and i also commissioned a collage from the very talented and lovely valheria and i couldn’t have asked for anything better 🥰

wildin in the TS7 tag was the best.

i made this observation that there’s this type of cocoon that looks like a cobra, which transforms into a butterfly over a period of 13 days, and like, the post got so many notes and i just had a lot of swiftie eyeballs all of a sudden on my blog which led to some hilarity. but honestly i just love geeking out over theories and it’s fun to get to do that as fans of taylor at large. things felt warm and effervescent.

my newspaper subscription

i subscribe to the TTB Times and let me just say the submissions and anons this year were overwhelmingly a delight to read through every day. also like, we did get cued in to stuff before album release and i am just thankful that there are people out there both who want to give us that and people who work to help them give us that. thank you ttb for moderating your blog (my newspaper of choice) however it is that you do and to everyone that contributed to her blog.

the whole lead up to the ME! video release

so glorious... but particular the hour before. i was rushing to pick up my kid from school and suddenly i kept getting messages from people that taylor was covering her face and framing her eyes, and i was like oh please yeah sure BUT THEN when the snake in the video had a blank eye like i don’t think you guys understand i had to wait at a bus stop and exchange pleasantries with the other moms but it was a *five alarm fire* in my mind

cause shade never made anybody less gay

stealing away to listen to YNTCD for the first time and hearing Taylor Alison Swift use the word gay in a released song for the first time was a transcendental moment

karlie’s hand in the YNTCD mv.

‘nuff said

daisies. daisies everywhere.

taylor said daisy kaylor rights, and she said it everywhere. *everywhere*. cannot, will not, get over how blessed we are.

gay gay gay gay gay.... taylor’s

sorry not sorry that wiz khalifa collab with elohim on her track FYM was ethereal and i still hope it’s a part of the preshow playlist for Lover Fest

clue hunting in klossy videos and karlie ads

call me a corporate shill all you want like, there’s always a little something in there and i also enjoy the little flickers of goofy karlie that jump out from time to time. and i know this is not the case for everyone but post eyepocalypse, karlie leaning in, winking that eye of hers time and time again was just pique comedy for me and it always made me chuckle. the brands karlie has repped have been really laying it on thick too and it’s been a joy to see. when taylor does it with her music it’s art, and for me karlie’s media presence is a form of art too 😌

oh kaptain my kaptain

kimby liked a comment of mine on her insta which was a distinct honor and privilege 😌 and really she was dropping clues left and right through spring up until she got her snazzy new job and things calmed down 🥰 of which i am so proud talk about an on brand job! also partially clearing the air about my TSL theory and the lead up to clearing that air was quite fulfilling for me and i am forever grateful for the time we shared. and to this point, the seesters in general (and kurt omg) have been quite active all year and we don’t deserve it but they’ve stuck around and it’s been calming.

album cover art release on the livestream

LIKE I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE NEVER HAD A FOURTH WALL BROKEN SO DULY

i love you forever, thank you for everything

when taylor came to visit tokyo this year i was basically reenacting the swamp scene from OOTW trying to get a ticket to the secret event... i listened to ME! on LINE MUSIC for over 2000 plays, i bought multiple CD’s, it was such an ordeal and then to not have a ticket after all but still putting on my thinking cap and managing to figure out where the event was while i was at disney sea and literally running from disney sea to the venue in high heels with The Man playing on my phone was oscar-worthy and actually *being correct* and the moment i knew i was correct and how i knew i was correct was so amazing 😉 and i play by the rules so i didn’t try to get in without a ticket and i didn’t lurk. but just to have figured it out and validated it was such a thrill. seeing her on TV live was amazing as well ///

lost in japan, reprise

oh and, last year for rep tour there was this theory i had which didn’t pan out but it had to do with the clues i thought shawn mendes was dropping through autumn 2018 and anyway that’s a story for another day but as i was bopping around town, looking for lockets, staying in rooms i have no business being in, drinking lots of whisky...just to know that while i was doing *everything but* successfully meeting taylor, she literally phoned shawn and had him record lines for that eye theory remix like, i will never ever, like, guys. guys. 😂 it’s too perfect for words. the world is weird like that sometimes.

Lover

and omg Lover the album? i absolutely love lover and i loves that honeymoon period of theorizing and parallel unearthing that we did and i love how slightly creepy-cute it is and i love the whole wabi-sabi thing going on and i absolutely love every song on the album, every one, they all have so much meaning to me... and each one is teeming with little blips and bloops and sound samples and seconds of silence and i love all the brass instruments and so many lush moments... i guess my shortlist (in no particular order) would be the archer, lover, i think he knows, daylight, cruel summer, false god, cornelia street, ME! (yea i really like me 🥰). and to think about everything that went in to the album and the thrill of what it might have been and the vastness of what we don’t know, but like, the weight of that potential?? it’s like this vast pastel and black abyss of drowsy and deep feelings and i love every inch of it. it’s a vibe that reflects so much of what this year has been for me and i’m happy to have existed in this time to have had it with me.

jesus this has gotten too long, and i still have like 24 more things to write out but um, basically, as i’m sure you’ve been able to assume? i wanted to say that despite 2019 being somewhat of a slasher film affair for our fandom, i still had a goddamn great time this year and i hope everyone can find some good memories and relive them as well 🥰

[spiderfan22]

DAY TWO HUNDRED AND SIX - 1/26/17

“DUMPLINGS: A ONE-MAN PLAY FOR TWO ACTORS” (CONT’D) by DJS

So, more from the new play. The plot thickens.

 Take on me (take on me)

Take me on (take on me)

 - A-ha, “Take On Me”

 The audience enters the theater to find the stage set with a table and two chairs. The table is rectangular, not huge, and covered with a protective layer of white butcher paper. And the chairs should be upstage of the table, side by side, facing the audience.

 Preshow music is fun 90’s pop, a playlist that must include “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.

 At rise Dan and Guest come onstage. They greet the audience, waving or giving small bows. A combination of both is fine, if warranted.

Then they sit.

 DAN

Ok. So first off-

           GUEST

First off?

           DAN

Firstly?

           GUEST

Can I stop you right there? Is there going to be a “secondly”?  Or “second off”?

           DAN

Yes. But chances are I won’t frame it that way. I don’t really have a bullet point sort of system…

           GUEST

But you’re not flying by the seat of your pants, either.

           DAN

No. No, / no.

           GUEST

Ok. Good. So: first off.

           DAN

First off, yes.

    (to Guest)

Welcome!

           GUEST

Oh!

           DAN

Thanks for being here. For uh, joining me.

           GUEST

Well, it’s a pleasure. I’ve never made dumplings before!

           DAN

But I assume you’ve had them, eaten …

           GUEST

You assume correctly – making neither an ass of you or me in the process. No, yes, I have partaken. Both at restaurants and frozen. From frozen I should say.

           DAN

Cool.

           GUEST

Very cool, yes, they were frozen.

           DAN

I see what you did there…

           GUEST

And no doubt appreciated it as much me.

           DAN

    (laughs)

So why don’t you ask how I came by this recipe?

           GUEST

Right: “How, on God’s green earth, did you come by this magnificent dumpling recipe that you are now only moments from sharing with the likes of little ol’ me? Oh gosh, how did I ever get so lucky?”

           DAN

Good of you to ask so un-prompted like that.

           GUEST

I try.

           DAN

You do try. You’re a good sport, Thank you. You’re a wonderful guinea pig for doing this. Thanks again for being here.

           GUEST

Thank you again for having me. You’re welcome.

           Beat.

           DAN

This is weird isn’t? I mean, it’s a little strange, right?

           GUEST

How come? Because our dialogue is scripted? And yet it’s made to seem – or we’re made to deliver it, perform uh – like we’re just making it up as we go along…?

           DAN

Having a natural conversation, yes.

           GUEST

Well, but I mean all drama’s scripted- TV, movies. Why should this be any-?

           DAN

I don’t know…

           Pause.

           GUEST

Y’know what? I wouldn’t worry about it.

           DAN

You wouldn’t?

           GUEST

No, not too much.

           DAN

But the suspension of disbelief thing…

           GUEST

Oh, well, that’s easy enough to get over. We’ll just ask the audience –

    (to audience)

Audience: please, we request your indulgence here tonight to suspend your disbelief at this play not being real? Our interactions, banter, etcetera, whatever we might do. That we’ve obviously rehearsed and… to make this appear, you know, for your benefit as much as ours, more life-like, when really it’s nothing but a fallacy. That we’re all “in on the joke” so to speak. What do you say? Can we get a round of applause consenting to the above?

 Guest encourages the audience to applaud their consent. The audience hopefully obliges.

           GUEST

There you go! See?!

    (or, if they happen to not)

Oh, well, there you go. We’re on our own, it seems.

           DAN

    (regardless of outcome)

Okay…

           GUEST

So where’d you get the recipe?

           DAN

Blue Apron.

           GUEST

The food delivery service?

           DAN

Well, you know. “Food delivery”

           GUEST

Why do you do that? Put food delivery in imaginary spoken suggested air-quotes?

           DAN

Well, because Blue Apron doesn’t deliver fully-formed, fully-cooked meals to your door, even to just pop in your oven – you have to make them yourself. Like a whole process with a recipe, ingredients- actual cooking. It’s not like ordering a pizza.

           GUEST

Or is it like ordering a pizza from Papa John’s? You bake it yourself.

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s.

           GUEST

Hmm?

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s, you’re thinking of Papa Murphy’s. Murphy’s is Take and Bake. Papa John’s is just like a regular restaurant. Or, not like a restaurant - you can’t eat there, they don’t have seating - but for pick-up. To-go.

           GUEST

Oh I see.

           DAN

Not to get off on a tangent there…

           GUEST

Really? You think this won’t be an evening full of delightfully kooky tangents /

           DAN

Well… /

           GUEST

and that that won’t end up being the whole point?

           DAN

Well-

           GUEST

I mean ‘cause let’s be honest here, if anyone was gonna be voted in high school Least Likely to Host His Own Cooking Show, that would be you. Your picture next to that dubious distinction. I mean with your history or lack thereof in the kitchen…?

           DAN

Brutal honesty.

           GUEST

I’s just calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

           DAN

And now racist.

           GUEST

How was that-?

           DAN

I don’t know. It just sounded like you were doing an old-timey black voice.

           GUEST

For your information that was my old-timey gangster.

           DAN

Great, good - can we move on?

            GUEST

Not without first – first off – acknowledging the glowing pink, like neon elephant in the room.

           DAN

O-K.

    (waits)

Which is what…?

           GUEST

Which is- You don’t know how to cook.

           DAN

Yes I do. I know how to cook-

           GUEST

You don’t-

           DAN

I do. I’m learning how to cook. That’s like the whole point of Blue Apron-

           GUEST

I thought the whole point of Blue Apron was to take the work out of- you know, the shopping, prep, etc.-

           DAN

Oh, you still do prep.

           GUEST

Like cut up vegetables and-?

           DAN

Yeah, they just send you the proper amounts of -

         GUEST

Well that… kind of sucks doesn’t it? I’m thinking for like the single woman on the go, her mindset. Doesn’t that just make more work?

           DAN

Yes and no. Is it as fast as a microwave dinner? No. Is it about the same time as ordering take-out from some place, pizza-?

           GUEST

Yeah, but you don’t actually have to make the pizza, shred the cheese, chop up the peppers, mushrooms, olives-

           DAN

Olives…nobody chops up olives, you buy pre-sliced in the can, or halved / or -

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Why, because it would just be inconvenient to-

 GUEST

Aha! See! See! Thank you, you’ve just made my point for me. Why can’t Blue Apron like, I don’t know, dice up your onions for you? I mean some stuff must come already prepped, right? Like olives?

           DAN

A few things / but-

           GUEST

And you never wondered or wished or everything wasn’t that way? I mean if you ask me, I think they’re just trying to lower the cost of their overhead.

           DAN

Probably, but-

           GUEST

So why not pay a little more so you, the consumer, isn’t so burdened?

           DAN

But it’s not a burden.

         Guest looks at him skeptically.

           DAN

It’s not, it’s really… because like I said the whole point… well, not the whole point – I mean there’s the convenience factor/ and-

           GUEST

Even though you yourself said not a moment ago it was inconvenient.

           DAN  

    (ignoring that)

And ALSO- also getting to try a bunch of foods you never, to widen your scope, uh, palate to… But a large part, no, to return to the, is you learn how to cook.  For instance, you were lamenting the fact, laboring on the, that you had to prep all your own vegetables and stuff-

           GUEST

Well, not the olives it seems but…

           DAN

    (again, not letting himself be distracted)

WELL you might be surprised to know I have actually gotten much faster at dicing onions, for instance, I have my own method, not probably how the real chefs / do it-

           GUEST

Do you know that’s the second time you said “for instance” in the span of like a sentence? You just used it.

           DAN

What do you want me to say? “For example,” then-

           GUEST

But yeah, but, how many examples and for instances can you use before you just sound like you’re repeating yourself?

           DAN

    (staring at Guest)

Wow …

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

No. I just don’t know why you’re being so critical and attacking me all of a sudden.

           GUEST

All of a sudden? You mean in the ten minutes we’ve been out here?

           DAN

Regardless of, all this, of your hostility is coming out of nowhere.

           GUEST

Hostility.

           DAN

Yes.

           Guest considers this. Then:

           GUEST

Hey –

    (claps hands)

- fun experiment! Do you wanna let folks in on a peek behind the curtain?

           DAN

What are you talking about?

           GUEST

You know, the writerly process and whatnot…

           DAN

Seriously what are you-

           GUEST

When you first typed “hostility” – back when you were first writing the script – you didn’t type “hostility” you typed…?

           Pause.

           DAN

I don’t… what?

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

I don’t remember.

           GUEST

Yes you do. Come on.

           DAN

“Come on…” What, did I misspell hostility or-?

           GUEST

No, a completely different word.

 Pause. Dan shrugs, either he doesn’t know or he’s pretending not to. Either way:

  GUEST

Fine – play dumb. You originally typed HOSPITAL.

           DAN

Hospital?

           GUEST

Yeah, instead of hostility, hospital. As in “Paging Doctor Vega, Doctor Vega to the Emergency Room please”

           DAN

Wait – who is… / DOCTOR VEGA?

           GUEST

I can’t believe you’re pretending like you don’t remember.

           DAN

I’m not. / I don’t.

           GUEST

Yeah you do. / Yes you do.

           DAN

Why? Why would I lie? About something as stupid / as-

           GUEST

Uhhhhh to seem more smart, maybe? Or look less dumb.

           DAN

How would I…

    (pause)

Okay, first off –

           GUEST

Here we go again.

           DAN

FIRST OFF. It’s “smarter”. Not “more smart”.

           GUEST

WOW. Getting into a semantics argument this early, huh? You really wanna do that, go that route?

           DAN

Not really but you’re kind of forcing my hand-

           GUEST

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT’S ALWAYS BUGGED ME?

           DAN

Why are you yelling?

           GUEST

You know what’s always bugged me? The little quirks of the English language. Like how you’re supposed to say SMARTER, not MORE SMART. But you don’t say –and this is just a for instance –

    (Dan rolls his eyes)

FUN-ner. You say MORE FUN. I mean shoot, no wonder English is such a second language to people. It wouldn’t be my choice of a first.

           Beat.

           DAN

Can I continue with what I was saying now?

           GUEST

Oh, by all means, do, let’s.

           Beat.

           DAN

How would I like dumb? Because I made a mistake? A perfectly reasonable just ordinary typed-one-word-when-I-meant-another–

           GUEST

Exactly. Which is why you blowing it up into this whole thing and not just admitting to the teensiest of foibles-

           DAN

Because I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t make a mistake!

           Silence. A beat or two.

 GUEST

Y’know…?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

No, I was just gonna say: you know what’s so funny about overcompensation -?

           DAN

Oh my god. / Please

           GUEST

No, just- just hear me out-

           DAN

Like I could stop you.

           GUEST

Ha, yes.

    (considers that, then)

You know what’s so funny about overcompensation? I mean when people overcompensate? And it’s not select to some people and others immune, I think we all do it from time to time, when it suits us. Just our buttons get pushed and-

           DAN

Get to the, the thing, the crux of your… whatever.

           GUEST

    (defensive, even haughty)

I am! I will!

 But instead, there is a long pause. Guest scratches their head, in bemused thought.

           GUEST

Shit, you’re gonna hate me, but I lost my train of thought.

           DAN

    (deeply sarcastic)

Awesome.

           GUEST

Sorry, not my intention, just I was chugging along there pretty good and then whoops, jumped the track - /

DAN

Right

           GUEST

No survivors.

           DAN

Okay

           GUEST

Like that movie Titanic.

 Short pause, as Dan stares at Guest.

           GUEST

So but…

Wait, why are you staring at me like that?

    (No response)

Ooooooo-kay. Creepy. But, what do you think you’re overcompensating for?

    (Dan opens his mouth-)

And before you say anything, really think about it, I want you to really, like, plumb the depths of your… subconscious or, you know, I mean if that’s what’s coming into play here, blocking you from-

           DAN

Is this… are you like my therapist now? Who says I’m blocked?

           GUEST

I do. I say you’re blocked.  

           DAN

But blocked / how?

           GUEST

And I would never agree to be your therapist.

    (pause)

Just so we’re clear.

           Beat.

           DAN

Blocked how, though?

           GUEST

How are you-? By just not even being able to see how getting so defensive about something that’s ultimately this trivial- like all I was doing was relaying an amusing anecdote, that’s it, that’s all-

           DAN

But if I had made a mistake like that, - hostility instead of hospital- / I would

           GUEST

Hospital instead of hostility, but.

           DAN

Okay, now who’s getting hung up on semantics?

(No response, Guest waiting for him to continue.)

I would, I would admit it. If I had done it. But I didn’t so…

           GUEST

Oh man. If this was only like the NFL. Then we could go to the gametape, review the play. Literally, ha.  Then you would see.

           DAN

No, I wouldn’t. Because I didn’t type hospital, I typed / hostility.

 GUEST

    (not quite yelling)

Splendid! You’ve convinced me! End of conversation! Shall we move on?

           Long pause.

           DAN

I’m sorry.

           GUEST

You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who-

           DAN

Yeah but you were right, I got defensive / and-

           GUEST

And I just wouldn’t let it go.

    (pause, sentimental, about to cry?)

Still best friends?

           DAN

    (small pause)

Are we…best/…?

           GUEST

Fuck it. You know, let’s just move on.

           DAN

Okay!

           GUEST

Okay!

           DAN

Okay.

           GUEST

Alright, okay.

           Awkward pause.

           GUEST

Where were we?

           DAN

I think you were asking me where I got the recipe from.

           GUEST

Oh yeah Blue Apron wow okay. That was like way back on page four of the script. Huh. Hate to say I toldja so about the tangents, the going on tangents thing but…

           DAN

I know, but I also wrote all this, I wrote in the tangents, so…

           GUEST

Which quite possibly makes it even weirder.

           DAN

It does, quite possibly, yes.

           GUEST

And there’s no reason – sorry but – there’s no reason to get all high and mighty about, y’know, your position in relation to mine. Like you’re the creator of this whole thing, therefore you occupy this higher echelon of character within the, the narrative. I shouldn’t be made to feel, you know, belittled or… less than.

           DAN

I’m… Ok, sorry. That’s not what I meant though, and if you felt that way.

           GUEST

No, no, let’s just- we almost had it back on track, so let’s just go.

    (false positivity)

Blue Apron?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

I’m prompting you. This is kind of a do-over. Straight and to the point. No distractions, wild asides or tangents. Just good, clean – American - culinary fun.

           DAN

    (dubious)

Sounds… great.

Okay. Well…

We had started to / get-

           GUEST

Hold on a minute. Who’s “we”?

           DAN

…My wife and I.

           GUEST

Oh, ok. Proceed.

           DAN

We’d started to receive- or, I mean, we decided to try Blue Apron mostly because we had gotten in a food rut-

           GUEST

Food rut?

           DAN

Yeah, like eating the same dinner, same meals over and over again. And nothing imaginative either, just really like, really just gross food, y’know, nachos and sloppy joes, Manwich.

           GUEST

You don’t like Sloppy Joes?

           DAN

No, they’re fine, they’re… Just we- it was like we couldn’t.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

WE, we couldn’t think of other stuff to make. And my wife-

           GUEST

Shawna, you can say her name.

           DAN

-Shawna yeah, Shawna is a great cook. Very intuitive. Very good at – you know, not just following a recipe but instinctively about / knowing what, while you’re in the process of,

           GUEST

Sorry, what’s instinctive?

           DAN

knowing what’s needed. What’s…instinctive? / What do you-

           GUEST

Oh no, no, I get it now. She can think on her feet.

           DAN

Right, like with spices, knowing what to add, what something needs / and-

           GUEST

You’re not.

           DAN

No. I mean I was surprised at how often they tell you to salt and pepper what you’re making. Like at every stage, “add salt and pepper,” the recipe is very…emphatic about that, you’re supposed / to-

           GUEST

So they send you the recipe, the ingredients…

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

You get to pick or’s it just random the recipes they send you?

           DAN

You get to pick. You go on the website and there’s usually six, four to six options so you don’t have to get anything you won’t – for instance-

Dan stops. Looks at Guest expecting them to say something, but Guest very graciously waves their hand like it’s not worth getting into. Dan proceeds.

           DAN

For instance, Shawna’s allergic to lemon, uhhh, citrus, so we try to avoid recipes where that’s a big component. She also hates-HATES salmon in all its forms and configurations.

           GUEST

Configurations…

           DAN

Just go with me. So we obviously don’t order any salmon recipes.

           GUEST

Do you like salmon?

           DAN

Sure, but it’s not my favorite or anything.

And I veto stuff too. Like anything with couscous, or just bizarre vegetables I’ve never heard of.

           GUEST

You don’t like to try new stuff?

           DAN

It’s not… that. I try stuff. But I think we all have a, we all like certain things, are partial to, or not partial to. Foods. Food groups, uh-

           GUEST

Can I run a list with you real quick?

           DAN

A list of…?

           GUEST

Of foods you will and will not eat, try.

           DAN

Ohhh, okay.

           GUEST

You just say yes or no.

           DAN

K.

           GUEST

Couscous.

           DAN

N- no. I already told you that-

           GUEST

Fine, fine.

Just what’s your problem with couscous?

           DAN

The texture, I think? I don’t know, we got it once and / I just didn’t-

           GUEST

    (eager to continue)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um…

Bell peppers.

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

No?

           DAN

Too spicy.

           GUEST

But… bell peppers are like the LEAST SPICY of-

           DAN

Then I just don’t like the taste. I don’t like the taste they add.

           GUEST

Okay. Ummm.

Salmon-

           DAN

We already-

           GUEST

I know but other kinds of fish.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

So like a blanket “all fish” on that one.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Interesting…

           DAN

And I don’t mind a fish tasting like fish either, you know, having a fishy taste or smell?

           GUEST

Sure.

Beets?

           DAN

Eww. No.

           GUEST

Fennel.

           DAN

Um, I don’t really… have an opinion…

           GUEST

Kale, then.

           DAN

Uhhh. In small doses, sure.

           GUEST

What’s a / small dose…?

           DAN

Practically non-existent.

           GUEST

Huh.

Interesting.

    (Pause. Dan looks at Guest like “What?”)

You’re kind of a picky eater aren’t you?

           DAN

/ No

           GUEST

Not all the way picky, I mean you eat all the normal stuff frou-frou’ed up a bit, but not really / that adventurous.

           DAN

SUSHI.

           GUEST

    (amused; knows where this is going)

What about it?

           DAN

Sushi’s not adventurous? RAW FISH / is not -?

           GUEST

I mean for your family maybe it’s exotic, for someone like your dad or your sister? But in the grand, you know, “scheme” of things…? Sushi’s not all that… because people like sushi.

    (an afterthought)

Sushi is not a barometer.

           Beat.

           DAN

Well maybe, but that still doesn’t make me a picky eater.

           GUEST

Then my impression was obviously wrong.

           DAN

    (slight pause)

I used to be.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

More picky. Or selective. I didn’t even try coffee until I was almost thirty.

           GUEST

What about in college? How did you stay up to write papers and stuff?

           DAN

Oh, that’s easy. Masturbation.

           Long, long beat. Guest is abashed.

           GUEST

Excuse me? That’s kind of an admission, / don’t you think?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

To just make, to just… reveal like that, in front of a paying audience no less.

 DAN

Oh, c’mon, it’s not this big embarrassing… thing. It’s like that book, Everybody Poops. Well, Everybody Masturbates, too.

           GUEST

And yet no one’s penned that bestseller yet. Just a matter of time I guess. You should write the foreword.

    (Dan shrugs)

You’re not even blushing.

           DAN

Should I be?

           GUEST

It’s just not the sort of behavior I’d expect from you.

           DAN

Well, I’m thirty-three.

           GUEST

And age factors into this how…?

           DAN

I’m getting older. Maybe I’m getting more honest too.

           GUEST

    (a trace of skepticism)

More honest?

           DAN

Yeah. What?

           GUEST

Oh no, it’s just…

    (pause)

Hospital.

Not

Hostility.     I just wondered / if I was talking to the same-

           DAN

    (exploding from his seat)

I DIDN’T TYPE HOSPITAL! I DIDN’T-

           GUEST

Yes, yes, continue to deny, continue to … But I was there, I know. I KNOW. I know what you typed and the fact you can’t admit it just about drives me to drink.

    (light bulb)

IN FACT!-

           Guest abruptly exits into the wings.

         Dan looks after them.

           DAN

    (to audience)

Where did they go?

    (long pause)

I didn’t type hospital, I swear. I mean I wouldn’t go to war like this over something so… miniscule, nothing. They’re just trying to get to me for whatever reason. I mean it doesn’t make sense. This is supposed to be an evening of cooking and light chatter! No heavy topics! No introspection, self or otherwise! And no grilling the host! But they seem intent on prodding and, and needling me. Why? Just to provoke a reaction?

 Guest re-enters, bottle of wine in hand, but hangs on the periphery, speaks directly to Dan, almost a challenge:

           GUEST

Tell them about the hospital.

Dan stares like a deer in headlights. No response.

 GUEST

  (more insistent)

Talk to them about the hospital.

 No response. Guest has to resist the urge to go and hit Dan. Takes a big swig from the bottle instead. Exits again.

 DAN

    (another beat, then to audience)

Okay, that was fucking weird, right? I mean, I know what they’re talking about but… I mean that has nothing to do with, with anything. It’s just a coincidence. It’s just a coincidence I typed hospital not hostility, and…

 Dan trails off, realizing his admission. Looks at audience.

         DAN

Ok, I did. I originally when I was writing the play typed HOSPITAL instead of HOSTILITY. There, okay? You CAUGHT me. I LIED, um…

    (pause)

But it still doesn’t mean anything. I wasn’t thinking about the hospital- and yes, there is a hospital story, MY hospital story, of my time in the… and I’d be perfectly fine, you know, telling it, but the actual, like, crux of this piece, has nothing to do with, to do with… that. What happened. It Just Doesn’t. Okay?

Why they’re on me about it – I know I lied but…

Can we just focus on that a minute?

 Guest walks back in, wine bottle in hand.

 GUEST

Focus on what?

           Guest sits. Pause.

           DAN

Are you really drinking?

           GUEST

Yes I’m REALLY DRINKING.

    (as they take a big swig)

           DAN

Ok. I guess I just wanted to know why you want me to talk about the hospital so bad.

           GUEST

I don’t.

           DAN

Now what kind of idiot response is that?

           GUEST

YOUR idiot response. YOU wrote the play…

           DAN

Could you please stop throwing that in my face?

           GUEST

    (baby-voice)

Ohhhhh. Is it such an insult? Ohhhhhh. I’m sowwweeeeee.

           DAN

Stop it.

    (Guest continues making pouty baby faces.)

C’mon, stop- stop it- STOP!!!

    (Guest stops)

Look, do you want me to show you how to make dumplings or not?

           GUEST

By all means.

    (very poorly acted “stage” drunk)

By ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

           Beat.

           DAN

OK. Ignoring that…

I’ll be right back.

           Dan starts for the wings.

           GUEST

Where are you going?

           DAN

To get the supplies. Ingredients, tools…

           GUEST

Tools?

           DAN

Spoons and forks.

           GUEST

    (dismissive)

Fine.

           DAN

Is there a problem?

           GUEST

Not in the slightest! Take your time! Go, go! Shoo.

 Guest waves Dan off, who exits with an uncomprehending and slightly annoyed look. Beat. Guest turns their attention to the audience. A smile.

 GUEST

    (holding up bottle)

This isn’t real. There’s actually no wine in it…

    (turns bottle over, not a drop spills out)

…and I bet I didn’t fool you either! I was never that good, could never really pull off stage drunk.

(They set the bottle aside. Pause.)

None of this is real. Just so you know.  Well, I mean, obviously. You’re at a show, we’re playing make believe up here. But the conceit of the thing, right? Dan wrote himself AS A CHARACTER into his own play. PLAYED by an ACTOR – not himself. Which has gotta be its own like snake-swallowing-its-own tail challenge for an actor. Believe me, I do feel sorry for (insert first name of actor playing Dan), that can’t be easy. And when we were in rehearsal, the author watching you, watching YOU play THEM. That’s just like a cruel, like a sado-masochistic mindfuck. I mean inhabiting, or you know, realizing for an actor effectively a fictional character is hard enough. But a real person? And way more than even, like, some historical figure, like you were playing Abraham Lincoln or whomever, you know, there’s a remove there, some distance. But to ask someone to play YOU. Just a… I mean if there are any writers or inspiring out there – first, thank you for coming, keep pursuing your dreams, your craft, honing it, etcetera – but –  

    (shaking head)

Don’t do that. Keep it simple, huh? A bedroom farce or uhhh, courtroom drama! Audiences love those.  Or you know who really had a good bead on the whole theater thing? Neil Simon. Nothing too complicated there!  

    (pause)  

I bet he thinks he’s real clever. Especially coming up with me. “Guest”

    (They do real air-quotes.)

Sort of an alter ego. Or not an alter ego, but like what’s that Shakespeare line about holding a mirror up to nature? Who said that – Hamlet? It was probably Hamlet. Hamlet got all the good lines.  God I would love to play Hamlet.

    (dramatically)

The melancholy prince!

Now there’s a role you could really sink your teeth into. “To be or not…” y’know?

 Sound of something being dropped/crashing offstage. We hear Dan cursing:

           DAN

    (off)

Shit! Fuck…

 Guest moves off into the wings. The stage is empty. We hear their dialogue faintly:

 GUEST

(off)

What happened? Can I help? Do you need / any-

 DAN

(off)

It’s fine. I don’t think I lost too much of the filling, I can clean it, try to salvage… Just what are you talking about out there?

           GUEST

    (off, quickly)

What? Nothing. Normal subjects. Innocuous.   Inconsequential, really. No one complaining at all.

           DAN

    (off)

Well, get back out there. I mean it’s gotta be boring for the audience just an empty stage. They’re probably confused. Or just irritated. I’ll be out in a minute.

           GUEST

    (off)

Ok… Are you / sure?

           DAN

    (off)

Yeah, yeah, go. This is dead air! Or whatever the stage equivalent I don’t know is.

 Guest returns. A lost little puppy for a sec.

           GUEST

Dan’s got it, I guess. Under control.

    (mission control/radio voice)

Repeat: the situation is under control. The situation is under-…

 Guest trails off, that sudden silly-happy spirit gone as quickly as it came. Lost again. Beat. Then quietly:

         GUEST

Hey, do you wanna hear a story? Or not even a story but like more of an anecdote? Or not even an anecdote but just something I noticed about me recently? It was when I was getting my hair cut. I go to one of those cheapy-y places so generic I can’t even remember the name of it. Great Clips…? Smart Cuts…? I don’t know, not important. I just noticed that I am the worst at hair stylist chit-chat. Like they try to engage me in, you know, very general-type topics. BROAD: we’re talking local sports, TV shows, friendly, nothing too personal or that would force you to “out” yourself on any particular controversial issues. Like they’re not hitting me with where I stand on a woman’s right to choose.  I’m in favor obviously but - I mean a woman’s body is her own… thing.  But I’m getting off topic.  The point is the normal chit-chat thing people do so effortlessly? Small-talk, right, you would call it?  I can’t. I can’t.  I am just incapable for whatever reason of sustaining for any length of time, you know, beyond the perfunctory responses of, just basic like “Good.” “Yeah.” “Sure.”

A for instance or example?

One time I’m sitting there, in the chair, the barber’s, and I’m wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. Pretty much my usual get-up, Star Wars or something superhero related…

 (Important Note: however Guest is costumed, it must be explicit in how they are styled that they would never, under any circumstances, wear Star Wars or other geek related apparel. They are just not that person. To put it more bluntly, Guest is lying right now.)

 GUEST

…I’m kind of a geek that way. Or just really, really set in my ways. Like I want to be able to reach into my drawer in the morning and grab a shirt and not have to worry about it, like I’ll look down and I won’t even know what I put on but it’s okay ‘cause it’s  “Hey, cool, Spider-Man.”

 Anyways, I’m wearing a Star Wars shirt. And I sit down and the first thing-

 Well, I mean let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that it can’t be easy for the stylist either. I mean I’m sure when they go to beauty school or whatever they’re not given lengthy courses on social discourse. But a big part of their job is to be this talkative, you know, outgoing, to engage the customer, to build a rapport in that thirty minutes or an hour not much time, so that 1) the customer feels safe, you know, reasonably sure this total stranger with a sharp object isn’t going to just stab them in the eye, or slit their throat Sweeney Todd style, but is also a professional who’s gonna make them look good. And secondly, the haircut industry being a gratuity-inclusive system, they want you to like them because they make more if you like them, the idea being here that a lot of time when you get a haircut, you’re pretty much just looking for the same thing you got last time, so what you’re really judging them on is personality. How were they personally with you.  I mean am I wrong? I don’t think so, but speak up now or forever hold your peace.

 No but it’s, I guess what I’m trying to say is it takes two to tango. And the conversation, if that other person’s not giving, usually the customer… oh, it’s death. It is death to sit through. For both parties. Because there’s that forced feel to everything, like you’re not in Great Clips anymore but the dentist, ‘cause it’s like pulling teeth. Ugh!

 But anyway, back to my story. So I was sitting there, or I was sitting down, they’d just called my name. And the stylist – and isn’t it that they always tell you their names and you even shake hands but I can never remember – the stylist says, she notices my shirt and says, “Oh did you see that new Star Wars movie?” A completely non-loaded, just chit-chatty question. And my response is, I go “Yeah…” and sort of trail off, “Yeah, yeah…” totally non-committal. So then she asks if I liked it, a natural follow-up, and I just say, “Yeah, it was okay.” Again, the most wishy-washy bullshit response. I don’t elaborate, I don’t ask if she’s seen it, I don’t ask if she’s more of Star Wars person or Star Trek, or a million other lines of inquiry I could have gone down, I don’t say anything, I don’t engage her back, I just leave her there hanging, this perfectly nice, just-doing-her-job, just trying to get through her shift, you know, vary the days- and I always tip well, I always tip like five bucks, it’s not that it’s just- I feel like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain here. Y’know?

 And the reasons for that are… well, they’re… they probably just come down to me being so introverted. Like that’s just my wiring, that’s just how I’m built. And it’s sucky, it… yeah. Kind of debilitating.

    (Pause. Guest makes sad trombone sound:)

Wah-wah.

    (Pause. Then as Dan re-enters)

But it’s not like I can just stop getting my hair cut either.

 Dan enters with a large mixing bowl covered by saran wrap.

 DAN

    (overhearing)

What about a haircut?

He sets the bowl on the table.

           GUEST

Oh, nothing. Just some sad pathetic story I was telling them.

           DAN

It wasn’t boring was it?

 GUEST

    (considers that)

I don’t think so. Introspective, sort of rambling…

    (to audience)

I don’t know, what did you all think? Did you think my story was boring? Or maybe it held some special significance for you, was RELATABLE even…?

           DAN

A haircut – how is that relatable?

           GUEST

Well, we all get haircuts don’t we?

           DAN

Most people, yeah…

           GUEST

Well, see. There you go. There you are.

           DAN

    (mocking, lightly)

There I am.

           Dan exits again.

           GUEST

Where are you going now?

           DAN

    (off)

Just a few more things. I only have two hands.

           GUEST

I said I would help.

           DAN

    (off)

I know.

    (returning)

I know.

 Dan carries on a plate with two spoons, two forks, and a thick stack of pre-moistened dumpling wrappers. Everything goes on the table.

 GUEST

Smells good.

           DAN

That’s the filling, yeah.

           GUEST

What’s in it?

           DAN

Mushrooms and cabbage.

           GUEST

MMMMM. All chopped up together?

           DAN

Yeah/

           GUEST

Cooked or?

           DAN

Yeah, sauteed.

           GUEST

Can I try it?

           DAN

…Sure.

           GUEST

Is that ok?

           DAN

Yeah go ahead.

 Guest removes the saran wrap from the bowl and, using one of the forks, brings a mouthful of filling from to their lips and blows on it.

 DAN

It’s not hot.

           GUEST

Oh.

    (Guest tries the filling. Nodding)

Mmmm. Oh. Yeaaaah.

           DAN

Good?

           GUEST

Yeah, really. I can’t wait to try it in the actual dumplings.

           DAN

Then let’s get started.

 Dan sits down and starts to lay out the materials. Guest joins them at the table.

 GUEST

You seem more in a chipper mood than when we last saw you.

           DAN

Well, I took some time backstage to think about things.

           GUEST

Like what?

           DAN

Just my general outlook on our relationship. The dynamic we share.

           GUEST

And what conclusion did you come to about that?

           DAN

That you’re not really my antagonist in this thing.

           GUEST

How profound.

           DAN

And even when you make comments like that, “How profound”, which could read like you’re trying to get at me, needle me into blowing up again, this big reaction, you’re IN ACTUALITY doing me a favor.

           GUEST

A favor.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

What kind?

           DAN

Well, you’re supposed to be like that little voice inside my head, right? You know the one: that I argue with, that’s always criticizing me, making me feel bad, guilty, or just shitty; that overanalyzes every interaction, stretching moments, obsessing over the minutest; that worries me, panics me, berates me, frustrates me, makes me feel like the most disgusting human being for even thinking that, scares me into a corner, then fucks with me taunting me from the dark.

           Beat.

           GUEST

And that’s who I am?

 To be continued...

[spiderfan22]

DAY TWO HUNDRED AND FIVE - 1/24/17

“DUMPLINGS: A ONE-MAN PLAY FOR TWO ACTORS” (EVEN MORE) by DJS

Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean...

- Elton John, “Your Song”

The audience enters the theater to find the stage set with a table and two chairs. The table should be long-ish, not square, and covered with a protective layer of white butcher paper. And the chairs should be upstage of the table, side by side, facing the audience.

 Preshow music is fun 90’s pop, a playlist that must include “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.

 At rise Dan and Guest come onstage. They greet the audience, waving or giving small bows. A combination of both is fine, if warranted.

Then they sit.

 DAN

Ok. So first off-

           GUEST

First off?

           DAN

Firstly?

           GUEST

Can I stop you right there? Is there going to be a “secondly”?  Or “second off”?

           DAN

Yes. But chances are I won’t frame it that way. I don’t really have a bullet point sort of system…

           GUEST

But you’re not flying by the seat of your pants, either.

           DAN

No. No, / no.

           GUEST

Ok. Good. So: first off.

           DAN

First off, yes.

    (to Guest)

Welcome!

           GUEST

Oh!

           DAN

Thanks for being here. For uh, joining me.

           GUEST

Well, it’s a pleasure. I’ve never made dumplings before!

           DAN

But I assume you’ve had them, eaten …

           GUEST

You assume correctly – making neither an ass of you or me in the process. No, yes, I have partaken. Both at restaurants and frozen. From frozen I should say.

           DAN

Cool.

           GUEST

Very cool, yes, they were frozen.

           DAN

I see what you did there…

           GUEST

And no doubt appreciated it as much me.

           DAN

    (laughs)

So why don’t you ask how I came by this recipe?

           GUEST

Right: “How, on God’s green earth, did you come by this magnificent dumpling recipe that you are now only moments from sharing with the likes of little ol’ me? Oh gosh, how did I ever get so lucky?”

           DAN

Good of you to ask so un-prompted like that.

           GUEST

I try.

           DAN

You do try. You’re a good sport, Thank you. You’re a wonderful guinea pig for doing this. Thanks again for being here.

           GUEST

Thank you again for having me. You’re welcome.

           Beat.

           DAN

This is weird isn’t? I mean, it’s a little strange, right?

           GUEST

How come? Because our dialogue is scripted? And yet it’s made to seem – or we’re made to deliver it, perform uh – like we’re just making it up as we go along…?

           DAN

Having a natural conversation, yes.

           GUEST

Well, but I mean all drama’s scripted- TV, movies. Why should this be any-?

           DAN

I don’t know…

           Pause.

           GUEST

Y’know what? I wouldn’t worry about it.

           DAN

You wouldn’t?

           GUEST

No, not too much.

           DAN

But the suspension of disbelief thing…

           GUEST

Oh, well, that’s easy enough to get over. We’ll just ask the audience –

    (to audience)

Audience: please, we request your indulgence here tonight to suspend your disbelief at this play not being real? Our interactions, banter, etcetera, whatever we might do. That we’ve obviously rehearsed and… to make this appear, you know, for your benefit as much as ours, more life-like, when really it’s nothing but a fallacy. That we’re all “in on the joke” so to speak. What do you say? Can we get a round of applause consenting to the above?

 Guest encourages the audience to applaud their consent. The audience hopefully obliges.

           GUEST

There you go! See?!

    (or, if they happen to not)

Oh, well, there you go. We’re on our own, it seems.

           DAN

    (regardless of outcome)

Okay…

           GUEST

So where’d you get the recipe?

           DAN

Blue Apron.

           GUEST

The food delivery service?

           DAN

Well, you know. “Food delivery”

           GUEST

Why do you do that? Put food delivery in imaginary spoken suggested air-quotes?

           DAN

Well, because Blue Apron doesn’t deliver fully-formed, fully-cooked meals to your door, even to just pop in your oven – you have to make them yourself. Like a whole process with a recipe, ingredients- actual cooking. It’s not like ordering a pizza.

           GUEST

Or is it like ordering a pizza from Papa John’s? You bake it yourself.

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s.

           GUEST

Hmm?

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s, you’re thinking of Papa Murphy’s. Murphy’s is Take and Bake. Papa John’s is just like a regular restaurant. Or, not like a restaurant - you can’t eat there, they don’t have seating - but for pick-up. To-go.

           GUEST

Oh I see.

           DAN

Not to get off on a tangent there…

           GUEST

Really? You think this won’t be an evening full of delightfully kooky tangents /

           DAN

Well… /

           GUEST

and that that won’t end up being the whole point?

           DAN

Well-

           GUEST

I mean ‘cause let’s be honest here, if anyone was gonna be voted in high school Least Likely to Host His Own Cooking Show, that would be you. Your picture next to that dubious distinction. I mean with your history or lack thereof in the kitchen…?

           DAN

Brutal honesty.

           GUEST

I’s just calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

           DAN

And now racist.

           GUEST

How was that-?

           DAN

I don’t know. It just sounded like you were doing an old-timey black voice.

           GUEST

For your information that was my old-timey gangster.

           DAN

Great, good - can we move on?

            GUEST

Not without first – first off – acknowledging the glowing pink, like neon elephant in the room.

           DAN

O-K.

    (waits)

Which is what…?

           GUEST

Which is- You don’t know how to cook.

           DAN

Yes I do. I know how to cook-

           GUEST

You don’t-

           DAN

I do. I’m learning how to cook. That’s like the whole point of Blue Apron-

           GUEST

I thought the whole point of Blue Apron was to take the work out of- you know, the shopping, prep, etc.-

           DAN

Oh, you still do prep.

           GUEST

Like cut up vegetables and-?

           DAN

Yeah, they just send you the proper amounts of -

         GUEST

Well that… kind of sucks doesn’t it? I’m thinking for like the single woman on the go, her mindset. Doesn’t that just make more work?

           DAN

Yes and no. Is it as fast as a microwave dinner? No. Is it about the same time as ordering take-out from some place, pizza-?

           GUEST

Yeah, but you don’t actually have to make the pizza, shred the cheese, chop up the peppers, mushrooms, olives-

           DAN

Olives…nobody chops up olives, you buy pre-sliced in the can, or halved / or -

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Why, because it would just be inconvenient to-

 GUEST

Aha! See! See! Thank you, you’ve just made my point for me. Why can’t Blue Apron like, I don’t know, dice up your onions for you? I mean some stuff must come already prepped, right? Like olives?

           DAN

A few things / but-

           GUEST

And you never wondered or wished or everything wasn’t that way? I mean if you ask me, I think they’re just trying to lower the cost of their overhead.

           DAN

Probably, but-

           GUEST

So why not pay a little more so you, the consumer, isn’t so burdened?

           DAN

But it’s not a burden.

         Guest looks at him skeptically.

           DAN

It’s not, it’s really… because like I said the whole point… well, not the whole point – I mean there’s the convenience factor/ and-

           GUEST

Even though you yourself said not a moment ago it was inconvenient.

           DAN  

    (ignoring that)

And ALSO- also getting to try a bunch of foods you never, to widen your scope, uh, palate to… But a large part, no, to return to the, is you learn how to cook.  For instance, you were lamenting the fact, laboring on the, that you had to prep all your own vegetables and stuff-

           GUEST

Well, not the olives it seems but…

           DAN

    (again, not letting himself be distracted)

WELL you might be surprised to know I have actually gotten much faster at dicing onions, for instance, I have my own method, not probably how the real chefs / do it-

           GUEST

Do you know that’s the second time you said “for instance” in the span of like a sentence? You just used it.

           DAN

What do you want me to say? “For example,” then-

           GUEST

But yeah, but, how many examples and for instances can you use before you just sound like you’re repeating yourself?

           DAN

    (staring at Guest)

Wow …

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

No. I just don’t know why you’re being so critical and attacking me all of a sudden.

           GUEST

All of a sudden? You mean in the ten minutes we’ve been out here?

           DAN

Regardless of, all this, of your hostility is coming out of nowhere.

           GUEST

Hostility.

           DAN

Yes.

           Guest considers this. Then:

           GUEST

Hey –

    (claps hands)

- fun experiment! Do you wanna let folks in on a peek behind the curtain?

           DAN

What are you talking about?

           GUEST

You know, the writerly process and whatnot…

           DAN

Seriously what are you-

           GUEST

When you first typed “hostility” – back when you were first writing the script – you didn’t type “hostility” you typed…?

           Pause.

           DAN

I don’t… what?

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

I don’t remember.

           GUEST

Yes you do. Come on.

           DAN

“Come on…” What, did I misspell hostility or-?

           GUEST

No, a completely different word.

 Pause. Dan shrugs, either he doesn’t know or he’s pretending not to. Either way:

  GUEST

Fine – play dumb. You originally typed HOSPITAL.

           DAN

Hospital?

           GUEST

Yeah, instead of hostility, hospital. As in “Paging Doctor Vega, Doctor Vega to the Emergency Room please”

           DAN

Wait – who is… / DOCTOR VEGA?

           GUEST

I can’t believe you’re pretending like you don’t remember.

           DAN

I’m not. / I don’t.

           GUEST

Yeah you do. / Yes you do.

           DAN

Why? Why would I lie? About something as stupid / as-

           GUEST

Uhhhhh to seem more smart, maybe? Or look less dumb.

           DAN

How would I…

    (pause)

Okay, first off –

           GUEST

Here we go again.

           DAN

FIRST OFF. It’s “smarter”. Not “more smart”.

           GUEST

WOW. Getting into a semantics argument this early, huh? You really wanna do that, go that route?

           DAN

Not really but you’re kind of forcing my hand-

           GUEST

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT’S ALWAYS BUGGED ME?

           DAN

Why are you yelling?

           GUEST

You know what’s always bugged me? The little quirks of the English language. Like how you’re supposed to say SMARTER, not MORE SMART. But you don’t say –and this is just a for instance –

    (Dan rolls his eyes)

FUN-ner. You say MORE FUN. I mean shoot, no wonder English is such a second language to people. It wouldn’t be my choice of a first.

           Beat.

           DAN

Can I continue with what I was saying now?

           GUEST

Oh, by all means, do, let’s.

           Beat.

           DAN

How would I like dumb? Because I made a mistake? A perfectly reasonable just ordinary typed-one-word-when-I-meant-another–

           GUEST

Exactly. Which is why you blowing it up into this whole thing and not just admitting to the teensiest of foibles-

           DAN

Because I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t make a mistake!

           Silence. A beat or two.

 GUEST

Y’know…?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

No, I was just gonna say: you know what’s so funny about overcompensation -?

           DAN

Oh my god. / Please

           GUEST

No, just- just hear me out-

           DAN

Like I could stop you.

           GUEST

Ha, yes.

    (considers that, then)

You know what’s so funny about overcompensation? I mean when people overcompensate? And it’s not select to some people and others immune, I think we all do it from time to time, when it suits us. Just our buttons get pushed and-

           DAN

Get to the, the thing, the crux of your… whatever.

           GUEST

    (defensive, even haughty)

I am! I will!

 But instead, there is a long pause. Guest scratches their head, in bemused thought.

           GUEST

Shit, you’re gonna hate me, but I lost my train of thought.

           DAN

    (deeply sarcastic)

Awesome.

           GUEST

Sorry, not my intention, just I was chugging along there pretty good and then whoops, jumped the track - /

DAN

Right

           GUEST

No survivors.

           DAN

Okay

           GUEST

Like that movie Titanic.

 Short pause, as Dan stares at Guest.

           GUEST

So but…

Wait, why are you staring at me like that?

    (No response)

Ooooooo-kay. Creepy. But, what do you think you’re overcompensating for?

    (Dan opens his mouth-)

And before you say anything, really think about it, I want you to really, like, plumb the depths of your… subconscious or, you know, I mean if that’s what’s coming into play here, blocking you from-

           DAN

Is this… are you like my therapist now? Who says I’m blocked?

           GUEST

I do. I say you’re blocked.  

           DAN

But blocked / how?

           GUEST

And I would never agree to be your therapist.

    (pause)

Just so we’re clear.

           Beat.

           DAN

Blocked how, though?

           GUEST

How are you-? By just not even being able to see how getting so defensive about something that’s ultimately this trivial- like all I was doing was relaying an amusing anecdote, that’s it, that’s all-

           DAN

But if I had made a mistake like that, - hostility instead of hospital- / I would

           GUEST

Hospital instead of hostility, but.

           DAN

Okay, now who’s getting hung up on semantics?

(No response, Guest waiting for him to continue.)

I would, I would admit it. If I had done it. But I didn’t so…

           GUEST

Oh man. If this was only like the NFL. Then we could go to the gametape, review the play. Literally, ha.  Then you would see.

           DAN

No, I wouldn’t. Because I didn’t type hospital, I typed / hostility.

 GUEST

    (not quite yelling)

Splendid! You’ve convinced me! End of conversation! Shall we move on?

           Long pause.

           DAN

I’m sorry.

           GUEST

You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who-

           DAN

Yeah but you were right, I got defensive / and-

           GUEST

And I just wouldn’t let it go.

    (pause, sentimental, about to cry?)

Still best friends?

           DAN

    (small pause)

Are we…best/…?

           GUEST

Fuck it. You know, let’s just move on.

           DAN

Okay!

           GUEST

Okay!

           DAN

Okay.

           GUEST

Alright, okay.

           Awkward pause.

           GUEST

Where were we?

           DAN

I think you were asking me where I got the recipe from.

           GUEST

Oh yeah Blue Apron wow okay. That was like way back on page four of the script. Huh. Hate to say I toldja so about the tangents, the going on tangents thing but…

           DAN

I know, but I also wrote all this, I wrote in the tangents, so…

           GUEST

Which quite possibly makes it even weirder.

           DAN

It does, quite possibly, yes.

           GUEST

And there’s no reason – sorry but – there’s no reason to get all high and mighty about, y’know, your position in relation to mine. Like you’re the creator of this whole thing, therefore you occupy this higher echelon of character within the, the narrative. I shouldn’t be made to feel, you know, belittled or… less than.

           DAN

I’m… Ok, sorry. That’s not what I meant though, and if you felt that way.

           GUEST

No, no, let’s just- we almost had it back on track, so let’s just go.

    (false positivity)

Blue Apron?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

I’m prompting you. This is kind of a do-over. Straight and to the point. No distractions, wild asides or tangents. Just good, clean – American - culinary fun.

           DAN

    (dubious)

Sounds… great.

Okay. Well…

We had started to / get-

           GUEST

Hold on a minute. Who’s “we”?

           DAN

…My wife and I.

           GUEST

Oh, ok. Proceed.

           DAN

We’d started to receive- or, I mean, we decided to try Blue Apron mostly because we had gotten in a food rut-

           GUEST

Food rut?

           DAN

Yeah, like eating the same dinner, same meals over and over again. And nothing imaginative either, just really like, really just gross food, y’know, nachos and sloppy joes, Manwich.

           GUEST

You don’t like Sloppy Joes?

           DAN

No, they’re fine, they’re… Just we- it was like we couldn’t.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

WE, we couldn’t think of other stuff to make. And my wife-

           GUEST

Shawna, you can say her name.

           DAN

-Shawna yeah, Shawna is a great cook. Very intuitive. Very good at – you know, not just following a recipe but instinctively about / knowing what, while you’re in the process of,

           GUEST

Sorry, what’s instinctive?

           DAN

knowing what’s needed. What’s…instinctive? / What do you-

           GUEST

Oh no, no, I get it now. She can think on her feet.

           DAN

Right, like with spices, knowing what to add, what something needs / and-

           GUEST

You’re not.

           DAN

No. I mean I was surprised at how often they tell you to salt and pepper what you’re making. Like at every stage, “add salt and pepper,” the recipe is very…emphatic about that, you’re supposed / to-

           GUEST

So they send you the recipe, the ingredients…

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

You get to pick or’s it just random the recipes they send you?

           DAN

You get to pick. You go on the website and there’s usually six, four to six options so you don’t have to get anything you won’t – for instance-

Dan stops. Looks at Guest expecting them to say something, but Guest very graciously waves their hand like it’s not worth getting into. Dan proceeds.

           DAN

For instance, Shawna’s allergic to lemon, uhhh, citrus, so we try to avoid recipes where that’s a big component. She also hates-HATES salmon in all its forms and configurations.

           GUEST

Configurations…

           DAN

Just go with me. So we obviously don’t order any salmon recipes.

           GUEST

Do you like salmon?

           DAN

Sure, but it’s not my favorite or anything.

And I veto stuff too. Like anything with couscous, or just bizarre vegetables I’ve never heard of.

           GUEST

You don’t like to try new stuff?

           DAN

It’s not… that. I try stuff. But I think we all have a, we all like certain things, are partial to, or not partial to. Foods. Food groups, uh-

           GUEST

Can I run a list with you real quick?

           DAN

A list of…?

           GUEST

Of foods you will and will not eat, try.

           DAN

Ohhh, okay.

           GUEST

You just say yes or no.

           DAN

K.

           GUEST

Couscous.

           DAN

N- no. I already told you that-

           GUEST

Fine, fine.

Just what’s your problem with couscous?

           DAN

The texture, I think? I don’t know, we got it once and / I just didn’t-

           GUEST

    (eager to continue)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um…

Bell peppers.

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

No?

           DAN

Too spicy.

           GUEST

But… bell peppers are like the LEAST SPICY of-

           DAN

Then I just don’t like the taste. I don’t like the taste they add.

           GUEST

Okay. Ummm.

Salmon-

           DAN

We already-

           GUEST

I know but other kinds of fish.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

So like a blanket “all fish” on that one.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Interesting…

           DAN

And I don’t mind a fish tasting like fish either, you know, having a fishy taste or smell?

           GUEST

Sure.

Beets?

           DAN

Eww. No.

           GUEST

Fennel.

           DAN

Um, I don’t really… have an opinion…

           GUEST

Kale, then.

           DAN

Uhhh. In small doses, sure.

           GUEST

What’s a / small dose…?

           DAN

Practically non-existent.

           GUEST

Huh.

Interesting.

    (Pause. Dan looks at Guest like “What?”)

You’re kind of a picky eater aren’t you?

           DAN

/ No

           GUEST

Not all the way picky, I mean you eat all the normal stuff frou-frou’ed up a bit, but not really / that adventurous.

           DAN

SUSHI.

           GUEST

    (amused; knows where this is going)

What about it?

           DAN

Sushi’s not adventurous? RAW FISH / is not -?

           GUEST

I mean for your family maybe it’s exotic, for someone like your dad or your sister? But in the grand, you know, “scheme” of things…? Sushi’s not all that… because people like sushi.

    (an afterthought)

Sushi is not a barometer.

           Beat.

           DAN

Well maybe, but that still doesn’t make me a picky eater.

           GUEST

Then my impression was obviously wrong.

           DAN

    (slight pause)

I used to be.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

More picky. Or selective. I didn’t even try coffee until I was almost thirty.

           GUEST

What about in college? How did you stay up to write papers and stuff?

           DAN

Oh, that’s easy. Masturbation.

           Long, long beat. Guest is abashed.

           GUEST

Excuse me? That’s kind of an admission, / don’t you think?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

To just make, to just… reveal like that, in front of a paying audience no less.

 DAN

Oh, c’mon, it’s not this big embarrassing… thing. It’s like that book, Everybody Poops. Well, Everybody Masturbates, too.

           GUEST

And yet no one’s penned that bestseller yet. Just a matter of time I guess. You should write the foreword.

    (Dan shrugs)

You’re not even blushing.

           DAN

Should I be?

           GUEST

It’s just not the sort of behavior I’d expect from you.

           DAN

Well, I’m thirty-three.

           GUEST

And age factors into this how…?

           DAN

I’m getting older. Maybe I’m getting more honest too.

           GUEST

    (a trace of skepticism)

More honest?

           DAN

Yeah. What?

           GUEST

Oh no, it’s just…

    (pause)

Hospital.

Not

Hostility.     I just wondered / if I was talking to the same-

           DAN

    (exploding from his seat)

I DIDN’T TYPE HOSPITAL! I DIDN’T-

           GUEST

Yes, yes, continue to deny, continue to … But I was there, I know. I KNOW. I know what you typed and the fact you can’t admit it just about drives me to drink.

    (light bulb)

IN FACT!-

           Guest abruptly exits into the wings.

         Dan looks after them.

           DAN

    (to audience)

Where did they go?

    (long pause)

I didn’t type hospital, I swear. I mean I wouldn’t go to war like this over something so… miniscule, nothing. They’re just trying to get to me for whatever reason. I mean it doesn’t make sense. This is supposed to be an evening of cooking and light chatter! No heavy topics! No introspection, self or otherwise! And no grilling the host! But they seem intent on prodding and, and needling me. Why? Just to provoke a reaction?

 Guest re-enters, bottle of wine in hand, but hangs on the periphery, speaks directly to Dan, almost a challenge:

           GUEST

Tell them about the hospital.

Dan stares like a deer in headlights. No response.

 GUEST

  (more insistent)

Talk to them about the hospital.

 No response. Guest has to resist the urge to go and hit Dan. Takes a big swig from the bottle instead. Exits again.

 DAN

    (another beat, then to audience)

Okay, that was fucking weird, right? I mean, I know what they’re talking about but… I mean that has nothing to do with, with anything. It’s just a coincidence. It’s just a coincidence I typed hospital not hostility, and…

 Dan trails off, realizing his admission. Looks at audience.

         DAN

Ok, I did. I originally when I was writing the play typed HOSPITAL instead of HOSTILITY. There, okay? You CAUGHT me. I LIED, um…

    (pause)

But it still doesn’t mean anything. I wasn’t thinking about the hospital- and yes, there is a hospital story, MY hospital story, of my time in the… and I’d be perfectly fine, you know, telling it, but the actual, like, crux of this piece, has nothing to do with, to do with… that. What happened. It Just Doesn’t. Okay?

Why they’re on me about it – I know I lied but…

Can we just focus on that a minute?

 Guest walks back in, wine bottle in hand.

 GUEST

Focus on what?

           Guest sits. Pause.

           DAN

Are you really drinking?

           GUEST

Yes I’m REALLY DRINKING.

    (as they take a big swig)

           DAN

Ok. I guess I just wanted to know why you want me to talk about the hospital so bad.

           GUEST

I don’t.

           DAN

Now what kind of idiot response is that?

           GUEST

YOUR idiot response. YOU wrote the play…

           DAN

Could you please stop throwing that in my face?

           GUEST

    (baby-voice)

Ohhhhh. Is it such an insult? Ohhhhhh. I’m sowwweeeeee.

           DAN

Stop it.

    (Guest continues making pouty baby faces.)

C’mon, stop- stop it- STOP!!!

    (Guest stops)

Look, do you want me to show you how to make dumplings or not?

           GUEST

By all means.

    (very poorly acted “stage” drunk)

By ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

           Beat.

           DAN

OK. Ignoring that…

I’ll be right back.

           Dan starts for the wings.

           GUEST

Where are you going?

           DAN

To get the supplies. Ingredients, tools…

           GUEST

Tools?

           DAN

Spoons and forks.

           GUEST

    (dismissive)

Fine.

           DAN

Is there a problem?

           GUEST

Not in the slightest! Take your time! Go, go! Shoo.

 Guest waves Dan off, who exits with an uncomprehending and slightly annoyed look. Beat. Guest turns their attention to the audience. A smile.

 GUEST

    (holding up bottle)

This isn’t real. There’s actually no wine in it…

    (turns bottle over, not a drop spills out)

…and I bet I didn’t fool you either! I was never that good, could never really pull off stage drunk.

(They set the bottle aside. Pause.)

None of this is real. Just so you know.  Well, I mean, obviously. You’re at a show, we’re playing make believe up here. But the conceit of the thing, right? Dan wrote himself AS A CHARACTER into his own play. PLAYED by an ACTOR – not himself. Which has gotta be its own like snake-swallowing-its-own tail challenge for an actor. Believe me, I do feel sorry for (insert first name of actor playing Dan), that can’t be easy. And when we were in rehearsal, the author watching you, watching YOU play THEM. That’s just like a cruel, like a sado-masochistic mindfuck. I mean inhabiting, or you know, realizing for an actor effectively a fictional character is hard enough. But a real person? And way more than even, like, some historical figure, like you were playing Abraham Lincoln or whomever, you know, there’s a remove there, some distance. But to ask someone to play YOU. Just a… I mean if there are any writers or inspiring out there – first, thank you for coming, keep pursuing your dreams, your craft, honing it, etcetera – but –  

    (shaking head)

Don’t do that. Keep it simple, huh? A bedroom farce or uhhh, courtroom drama! Audiences love those.  Or you know who really had a good bead on the whole theater thing? Neil Simon. Nothing too complicated there!  

    (pause)  

I bet he thinks he’s real clever. Especially coming up with me. “Guest”

    (They do real air-quotes.)

Sort of an alter ego. Or not an alter ego, but like what’s that Shakespeare line about holding a mirror up to nature? Who said that – Hamlet? It was probably Hamlet. Hamlet got all the good lines.  God I would love to play Hamlet.

    (dramatically)

The melancholy prince!

Now there’s a role you could really sink your teeth into. “To be or not…” y’know?

 Sound of something being dropped/crashing offstage. We hear Dan cursing:

           DAN

    (off)

Shit! Fuck…

 Guest moves off into the wings. The stage is empty. We hear their dialogue faintly:

 GUEST

(off)

What happened? Can I help? Do you need / any-

 DAN

(off)

It’s fine. I don’t think I lost too much of the filling, I can clean it, try to salvage… Just what are you talking about out there?

           GUEST

    (off, quickly)

What? Nothing. Normal subjects. Innocuous.   Inconsequential, really. No one complaining at all.

           DAN

    (off)

Well, get back out there. I mean it’s gotta be boring for the audience just an empty stage. They’re probably confused. Or just irritated. I’ll be out in a minute.

           GUEST

    (off)

Ok… Are you / sure?

           DAN

    (off)

Yeah, yeah, go. This is dead air! Or whatever the stage equivalent I don’t know is.

 Guest returns. A lost little puppy for a sec.

           GUEST

Dan’s got it, I guess. Under control.

    (mission control/radio voice)

Repeat: the situation is under control. The situation is under-…

 Guest trails off, that sudden silly-happy spirit gone as quickly as it came. Lost again. Beat. Then quietly:

         GUEST

Hey, do you wanna hear a story? Or not even a story but like more of an anecdote? Or not even an anecdote but just something I noticed about me recently? It was when I was getting my hair cut. I go to one of those cheapy-y places so generic I can’t even remember the name of it. Great Clips…? Smart Cuts…? I don’t know, not important. I just noticed that I am the worst at hair stylist chit-chat. Like they try to engage me in, you know, very general-type topics. BROAD: we’re talking local sports, TV shows, friendly, nothing too personal or that would force you to “out” yourself on any particular controversial issues. Like they’re not hitting me with where I stand on a woman’s right to choose.  I’m in favor obviously but - I mean a woman’s body is her own… thing.  But I’m getting off topic.  The point is the normal chit-chat thing people do so effortlessly? Small-talk, right, you would call it?  I can’t. I can’t.  I am just incapable for whatever reason of sustaining for any length of time, you know, beyond the perfunctory responses of, just basic like “Good.” “Yeah.” “Sure.”

A for instance:

One time I’m sitting there, and I’m wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. Pretty much my usual get-up, Star Wars or something superhero related…

 (Important Note: however Guest is costumed, it must be explicit in how they are styled that they would never, under any circumstances, wear Star Wars or other geek related apparel. They are just not that person. To put it more bluntly, Guest is lying right now.)

 To be continued...

[spiderfan22]

DAY TWO HUNDRED AND FOUR - 1/23/17

“DUMPLINGS: A ONE-MAN PLAY FOR TWO CHARACTERS (CONTINUED AGAIN)” by DJS

Back for more. Please note the title change. And how completely off the deep end meta this play is becoming. Enjoy.

The audience enters the theater to find the stage set with a table and two chairs. The table should be long-ish, not square, and covered with a protective layer of white butcher paper. And the chairs should be upstage of the table, side by side, facing the audience.

Preshow music is fun 90’s pop, a playlist that must include “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.

 At rise Dan and Guest come onstage. They greet the audience, waving or giving small bows. A combination of both is fine, if warranted.

Then they sit.

 DAN

Ok. So first off-

           GUEST

First off?

           DAN

Firstly?

           GUEST

Can I stop you right there? Is there going to be a “secondly”?  Or “second off”?

           DAN

Yes. But chances are I won’t frame it that way. I don’t really have a bullet point sort of system…

           GUEST

But you’re not flying by the seat of your pants, either.

           DAN

No. No, / no.

           GUEST

Ok. Good. So: first off.

           DAN

First off, yes.

    (to Guest)

Welcome!

           GUEST

Oh!

           DAN

Thanks for being here. For uh, joining me.

           GUEST

Well, it’s a pleasure. I’ve never made dumplings before!

           DAN

But I assume you’ve had them, eaten …

           GUEST

You assume correctly – making neither an ass of you or me in the process. No, yes, I have partaken. Both at restaurants and frozen. From frozen I should say.

           DAN

Cool.

           GUEST

Very cool, yes, they were frozen.

           DAN

I see what you did there…

           GUEST

And no doubt appreciated it as much me.

           DAN

    (laughs)

So why don’t you ask how I came by this recipe?

           GUEST

Right: “How, on God’s green earth, did you come by this magnificent dumpling recipe that you are now only moments from sharing with the likes of little ol’ me? Oh gosh, how did I ever get so lucky?”

           DAN

Good of you to ask so un-prompted like that.

           GUEST

I try.

           DAN

You do try. You’re a good sport, Thank you. You’re a wonderful guinea pig for doing this. Thanks again for being here.

           GUEST

Thank you again for having me. You’re welcome.

           Beat.

           DAN

This is weird isn’t? I mean, it’s a little strange, right?

           GUEST

How come? Because our dialogue is scripted? And yet it’s made to seem – or we’re made to deliver it, perform uh – like we’re just making it up as we go along…?

           DAN

Having a natural conversation, yes.

           GUEST

Well, but I mean all drama’s scripted- TV, movies. Why should this be any-?

           DAN

I don’t know…

           Pause.

           GUEST

Y’know what? I wouldn’t worry about it.

           DAN

You wouldn’t?

           GUEST

No, not too much.

           DAN

But the suspension of disbelief thing…

           GUEST

Oh, well, that’s easy enough to get over. We’ll just ask the audience –

    (to audience)

Audience: please, we request your indulgence here tonight to suspend your disbelief at this play not being real? Our interactions, banter, etcetera, whatever we might do. That we’ve obviously rehearsed and… to make this appear, you know, for your benefit as much as ours, more life-like, when really it’s nothing but a fallacy. That we’re all “in on the joke” so to speak. What do you say? Can we get a round of applause consenting to the above?

 Guest encourages the audience to applaud their consent. The audience hopefully obliges.

           GUEST

There you go! See?!

    (or, if they happen to not)

Oh, well, there you go. We’re on our own, it seems.

           DAN

    (regardless of outcome)

Okay…

           GUEST

So where’d you get the recipe?

           DAN

Blue Apron.

           GUEST

The food delivery service?

           DAN

Well, you know. “Food delivery”

           GUEST

Why do you do that? Put food delivery in imaginary spoken suggested air-quotes?

           DAN

Well, because Blue Apron doesn’t deliver fully-formed, fully-cooked meals to your door, even to just pop in your oven – you have to make them yourself. Like a whole process with a recipe, ingredients- actual cooking. It’s not like ordering a pizza.

           GUEST

Or is it like ordering a pizza from Papa John’s? You bake it yourself.

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s.

           GUEST

Hmm?

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s, you’re thinking of Papa Murphy’s. Murphy’s is Take and Bake. Papa John’s is just like a regular restaurant. Or, not like a restaurant - you can’t eat there, they don’t have seating - but for pick-up. To-go.

           GUEST

Oh I see.

           DAN

Not to get off on a tangent there…

           GUEST

Really? You think this won’t be an evening full of delightfully kooky tangents /

           DAN

Well… /

           GUEST

and that that won’t end up being the whole point?

           DAN

Well-

           GUEST

I mean ‘cause let’s be honest here, if anyone was gonna be voted in high school Least Likely to Host His Own Cooking Show, that would be you. Your picture next to that dubious distinction. I mean with your history or lack thereof in the kitchen…?

           DAN

Brutal honesty.

           GUEST

I’s just calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

           DAN

And now racist.

           GUEST

How was that-?

           DAN

I don’t know. It just sounded like you were doing an old-timey black voice.

           GUEST

For your information that was my old-timey gangster.

           DAN

Great, good - can we move on?

            GUEST

Not without first – first off – acknowledging the glowing pink, like neon elephant in the room.

           DAN

O-K.

    (waits)

Which is what…?

           GUEST

Which is- You don’t know how to cook.

           DAN

Yes I do. I know how to cook-

           GUEST

You don’t-

           DAN

I do. I’m learning how to cook. That’s like the whole point of Blue Apron-

           GUEST

I thought the whole point of Blue Apron was to take the work out of- you know, the shopping, prep, etc.-

           DAN

Oh, you still do prep.

           GUEST

Like cut up vegetables and-?

           DAN

Yeah, they just send you the proper amounts of -

         GUEST

Well that… kind of sucks doesn’t it? I’m thinking for like the single woman on the go, her mindset. Doesn’t that just make more work?

           DAN

Yes and no. Is it as fast as a microwave dinner? No. Is it about the same time as ordering take-out from some place, pizza-?

           GUEST

Yeah, but you don’t actually have to make the pizza, shred the cheese, chop up the peppers, mushrooms, olives-

           DAN

Olives…nobody chops up olives, you buy pre-sliced in the can, or halved / or -

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Why, because it would just be inconvenient to-

 GUEST

Aha! See! See! Thank you, you’ve just made my point for me. Why can’t Blue Apron like, I don’t know, dice up your onions for you? I mean some stuff must come already prepped, right? Like olives?

           DAN

A few things / but-

           GUEST

And you never wondered or wished or everything wasn’t that way? I mean if you ask me, I think they’re just trying to lower the cost of their overhead.

           DAN

Probably, but-

           GUEST

So why not pay a little more so you, the consumer, isn’t so burdened?

           DAN

But it’s not a burden.

         Guest looks at him skeptically.

           DAN

It’s not, it’s really… because like I said the whole point… well, not the whole point – I mean there’s the convenience factor/ and-

           GUEST

Even though you yourself said not a moment ago it was inconvenient.

           DAN  

    (ignoring that)

And ALSO- also getting to try a bunch of foods you never, to widen your scope, uh, palate to… But a large part, no, to return to the, is you learn how to cook.  For instance, you were lamenting the fact, laboring on the, that you had to prep all your own vegetables and stuff-

           GUEST

Well, not the olives it seems but…

           DAN

    (again, not letting himself be distracted)

WELL you might be surprised to know I have actually gotten much faster at dicing onions, for instance, I have my own method, not probably how the real chefs / do it-

           GUEST

Do you know that’s the second time you said “for instance” in the span of like a sentence? You just used it.

           DAN

What do you want me to say? “For example,” then-

           GUEST

But yeah, but, how many examples and for instances can you use before you just sound like you’re repeating yourself?

           DAN

    (staring at Guest)

Wow …

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

No. I just don’t know why you’re being so critical and attacking me all of a sudden.

           GUEST

All of a sudden? You mean in the ten minutes we’ve been out here?

           DAN

Regardless of, all this, of your hostility is coming out of nowhere.

           GUEST

Hostility.

           DAN

Yes.

           Guest considers this. Then:

           GUEST

Hey –

    (claps hands)

- fun experiment! Do you wanna let folks in on a peek behind the curtain?

           DAN

What are you talking about?

           GUEST

You know, the writerly process and whatnot…

           DAN

Seriously what are you-

           GUEST

When you first typed “hostility” – back when you were first writing the script – you didn’t type “hostility” you typed…?

           Pause.

           DAN

I don’t… what?

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

I don’t remember.

           GUEST

Yes you do. Come on.

           DAN

“Come on…” What, did I misspell hostility or-?

           GUEST

No, a completely different word.

 Pause. Dan shrugs, either he doesn’t know or he’s pretending not to. Either way:

  GUEST

Fine – play dumb. You originally typed HOSPITAL.

           DAN

Hospital?

           GUEST

Yeah, instead of hostility, hospital. As in “Paging Doctor Vega, Doctor Vega to the Emergency Room please”

           DAN

Wait – who is… / DOCTOR VEGA?

           GUEST

I can’t believe you’re pretending like you don’t remember.

           DAN

I’m not. / I don’t.

           GUEST

Yeah you do. / Yes you do.

           DAN

Why? Why would I lie? About something as stupid / as-

           GUEST

Uhhhhh to seem more smart, maybe? Or look less dumb.

           DAN

How would I…

    (pause)

Okay, first off –

           GUEST

Here we go again.

           DAN

FIRST OFF. It’s “smarter”. Not “more smart”.

           GUEST

WOW. Getting into a semantics argument this early, huh? You really wanna do that, go that route?

           DAN

Not really but you’re kind of forcing my hand-

           GUEST

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT’S ALWAYS BUGGED ME?

           DAN

Why are you yelling?

           GUEST

You know what’s always bugged me? The little quirks of the English language. Like how you’re supposed to say SMARTER, not MORE SMART. But you don’t say –and this is just a for instance –

    (Dan rolls his eyes)

FUN-ner. You say MORE FUN. I mean shoot, no wonder English is such a second language to people. It wouldn’t be my choice of a first.

           Beat.

           DAN

Can I continue with what I was saying now?

           GUEST

Oh, by all means, do, let’s.

           Beat.

           DAN

How would I like dumb? Because I made a mistake? A perfectly reasonable just ordinary typed-one-word-when-I-meant-another–

           GUEST

Exactly. Which is why you blowing it up into this whole thing and not just admitting to the teensiest of foibles-

           DAN

Because I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t make a mistake!

           Silence. A beat or two.

 GUEST

Y’know…?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

No, I was just gonna say: you know what’s so funny about overcompensation -?

           DAN

Oh my god. / Please

           GUEST

No, just- just hear me out-

           DAN

Like I could stop you.

           GUEST

Ha, yes.

    (considers that, then)

You know what’s so funny about overcompensation? I mean when people overcompensate? And it’s not select to some people and others immune, I think we all do it from time to time, when it suits us. Just our buttons get pushed and-

           DAN

Get to the, the thing, the crux of your… whatever.

           GUEST

    (defensive, even haughty)

I am! I will!

 But instead, there is a long pause. Guest scratches their head, in bemused thought.

           GUEST

Shit, you’re gonna hate me, but I lost my train of thought.

           DAN

    (deeply sarcastic)

Awesome.

           GUEST

Sorry, not my intention, just I was chugging along there pretty good and then whoops, jumped the track - /

DAN

Right

           GUEST

No survivors.

           DAN

Okay

           GUEST

Like that movie Titanic.

 Short pause, as Dan stares at Guest.

           GUEST

So but…

Wait, why are you staring at me like that?

    (No response)

Ooooooo-kay. Creepy. But, what do you think you’re overcompensating for?

    (Dan opens his mouth-)

And before you say anything, really think about it, I want you to really, like, plumb the depths of your… subconscious or, you know, I mean if that’s what’s coming into play here, blocking you from-

           DAN

Is this… are you like my therapist now? Who says I’m blocked?

           GUEST

I do. I say you’re blocked.  

           DAN

But blocked / how?

           GUEST

And I would never agree to be your therapist.

    (pause)

Just so we’re clear.

           Beat.

           DAN

Blocked how, though?

           GUEST

How are you-? By just not even being able to see how getting so defensive about something that’s ultimately this trivial- like all I was doing was relaying an amusing anecdote, that’s it, that’s all-

           DAN

But if I had made a mistake like that, - hostility instead of hospital- / I would

           GUEST

Hospital instead of hostility, but.

           DAN

Okay, now who’s getting hung up on semantics?

(No response, Guest waiting for him to continue.)

I would, I would admit it. If I had done it. But I didn’t so…

           GUEST

Oh man. If this was only like the NFL. Then we could go to the gametape, review the play. Literally, ha.  Then you would see.

           DAN

No, I wouldn’t. Because I didn’t type hospital, I typed / hostility.

 GUEST

    (not quite yelling)

Splendid! You’ve convinced me! End of conversation! Shall we move on?

           Long pause.

           DAN

I’m sorry.

           GUEST

You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who-

           DAN

Yeah but you were right, I got defensive / and-

           GUEST

And I just wouldn’t let it go.

    (pause, sentimental, about to cry?)

Still best friends?

           DAN

    (small pause)

Are we…best/…?

           GUEST

Fuck it. You know, let’s just move on.

           DAN

Okay!

           GUEST

Okay!

           DAN

Okay.

           GUEST

Alright, okay.

           Awkward pause.

           GUEST

Where were we?

           DAN

I think you were asking me where I got the recipe from.

           GUEST

Oh yeah Blue Apron wow okay. That was like way back on page four of the script. Huh. Hate to say I toldja so about the tangents, the going on tangents thing but…

           DAN

I know, but I also wrote all this, I wrote in the tangents, so…

           GUEST

Which quite possibly makes it even weirder.

           DAN

It does, quite possibly, yes.

           GUEST

And there’s no reason – sorry but – there’s no reason to get all high and mighty about, y’know, your position in relation to mine. Like you’re the creator of this whole thing, therefore you occupy this higher echelon of character within the, the narrative. I shouldn’t be made to feel, you know, belittled or… less than.

           DAN

I’m… Ok, sorry. That’s not what I meant though, and if you felt that way.

           GUEST

No, no, let’s just- we almost had it back on track, so let’s just go.

    (false positivity)

Blue Apron?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

I’m prompting you. This is kind of a do-over. Straight and to the point. No distractions, wild asides or tangents. Just good, clean – American - culinary fun.

           DAN

    (dubious)

Sounds… great.

Okay. Well…

We had started to / get-

           GUEST

Hold on a minute. Who’s “we”?

           DAN

…My wife and I.

           GUEST

Oh, ok. Proceed.

           DAN

We’d started to receive- or, I mean, we decided to try Blue Apron mostly because we had gotten in a food rut-

           GUEST

Food rut?

           DAN

Yeah, like eating the same dinner, same meals over and over again. And nothing imaginative either, just really like, really just gross food, y’know, nachos and sloppy joes, Manwich.

           GUEST

You don’t like Sloppy Joes?

           DAN

No, they’re fine, they’re… Just we- it was like we couldn’t.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

WE, we couldn’t think of other stuff to make. And my wife-

           GUEST

Shawna, you can say her name.

           DAN

-Shawna yeah, Shawna is a great cook. Very intuitive. Very good at – you know, not just following a recipe but instinctively about / knowing what, while you’re in the process of,

           GUEST

Sorry, what’s instinctive?

           DAN

knowing what’s needed. What’s…instinctive? / What do you-

           GUEST

Oh no, no, I get it now. She can think on her feet.

           DAN

Right, like with spices, knowing what to add, what something needs / and-

           GUEST

You’re not.

           DAN

No. I mean I was surprised at how often they tell you to salt and pepper what you’re making. Like at every stage, “add salt and pepper,” the recipe is very…emphatic about that, you’re supposed / to-

           GUEST

So they send you the recipe, the ingredients…

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

You get to pick or’s it just random the recipes they send you?

           DAN

You get to pick. You go on the website and there’s usually six, four to six options so you don’t have to get anything you won’t – for instance-

Dan stops. Looks at Guest expecting them to say something, but Guest very graciously waves their hand like it’s not worth getting into. Dan proceeds.

           DAN

For instance, Shawna’s allergic to lemon, uhhh, citrus, so we try to avoid recipes where that’s a big component. She also hates-HATES salmon in all its forms and configurations.

           GUEST

Configurations…

           DAN

Just go with me. So we obviously don’t order any salmon recipes.

           GUEST

Do you like salmon?

           DAN

Sure, but it’s not my favorite or anything.

And I veto stuff too. Like anything with couscous, or just bizarre vegetables I’ve never heard of.

           GUEST

You don’t like to try new stuff?

           DAN

It’s not… that. I try stuff. But I think we all have a, we all like certain things, are partial to, or not partial to. Foods. Food groups, uh-

           GUEST

Can I run a list with you real quick?

           DAN

A list of…?

           GUEST

Of foods you will and will not eat, try.

           DAN

Ohhh, okay.

           GUEST

You just say yes or no.

           DAN

K.

           GUEST

Couscous.

           DAN

N- no. I already told you that-

           GUEST

Fine, fine.

Just what’s your problem with couscous?

           DAN

The texture, I think? I don’t know, we got it once and / I just didn’t-

           GUEST

    (eager to continue)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um…

Bell peppers.

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

No?

           DAN

Too spicy.

           GUEST

But… bell peppers are like the LEAST SPICY of-

           DAN

Then I just don’t like the taste. I don’t like the taste they add.

           GUEST

Okay. Ummm.

Salmon-

           DAN

We already-

           GUEST

I know but other kinds of fish.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

So like a blanket “all fish” on that one.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Interesting…

           DAN

And I don’t mind a fish tasting like fish either, you know, having a fishy taste or smell?

           GUEST

Sure.

Beets?

           DAN

Eww. No.

           GUEST

Fennel.

           DAN

Um, I don’t really… have an opinion…

           GUEST

Kale, then.

           DAN

Uhhh. In small doses, sure.

           GUEST

What’s a / small dose…?

           DAN

Practically non-existent.

           GUEST

Huh.

Interesting.

    (Pause. Dan looks at Guest like “What?”)

You’re kind of a picky eater aren’t you?

           DAN

/ No

           GUEST

Not all the way picky, I mean you eat all the normal stuff frou-frou’ed up a bit, but not really / that adventurous.

           DAN

SUSHI.

           GUEST

    (amused; knows where this is going)

What about it?

           DAN

Sushi’s not adventurous? RAW FISH / is not -?

           GUEST

I mean for your family maybe it’s exotic, for someone like your dad or your sister? But in the grand, you know, “scheme” of things…? Sushi’s not all that… because people like sushi.

    (an afterthought)

Sushi is not a barometer.

           Beat.

           DAN

Well maybe, but that still doesn’t make me a picky eater.

           GUEST

Then my impression was obviously wrong.

           DAN

    (slight pause)

I used to be.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

More picky. Or selective. I didn’t even try coffee until I was almost thirty.

           GUEST

What about in college? How did you stay up to write papers and stuff?

           DAN

Oh, that’s easy. Masturbation.

           Long, long beat. Guest is abashed.

           GUEST

Excuse me? That’s kind of an admission, / don’t you think?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

To just make, to just… reveal like that, in front of a paying audience no less.

 DAN

Oh, c’mon, it’s not this big embarrassing… thing. It’s like that book, Everybody Poops. Well, Everybody Masturbates, too.

           GUEST

And yet no one’s penned that bestseller yet. Just a matter of time I guess. You should write the foreword.

    (Dan shrugs)

You’re not even blushing.

           DAN

Should I be?

           GUEST

It’s just not the sort of behavior I’d expect from you.

           DAN

Well, I’m thirty-three.

           GUEST

And age factors into this how…?

           DAN

I’m getting older. Maybe I’m getting more honest too.

           GUEST

    (a trace of skepticism)

More honest?

           DAN

Yeah. What?

           GUEST

Oh no, it’s just…

    (pause)

Hospital.

Not

Hostility.     I just wondered / if I was talking to the same-

           DAN

    (exploding from his seat)

I DIDN’T TYPE HOSPITAL! I DIDN’T-

           GUEST

Yes, yes, continue to deny, continue to … But I was there, I know. I KNOW. I know what you typed and the fact you can’t admit it just about drives me to drink.

    (light bulb)

IN FACT!-

           Guest abruptly exits into the wings.

         Dan looks after them.

           DAN

    (to audience)

Where did they go?

    (long pause)

I didn’t type hospital, I swear. I mean I wouldn’t go to war like this over something so… miniscule, nothing. They’re just trying to get to me for whatever reason. I mean it doesn’t make sense. This is supposed to be an evening of cooking and light chatter! No heavy topics! No introspection, self or otherwise! And no grilling the host! But they seem intent on prodding and, and needling me. Why? Just to provoke a reaction?

 Guest re-enters, bottle of wine in hand, but hangs on the periphery, speaks directly to Dan, almost a challenge:

           GUEST

Tell them about the hospital.

Dan stares like a deer in headlights. No response.

 GUEST

  (more insistent)

Talk to them about the hospital.

 No response. Guest has to resist the urge to go and hit Dan. Takes a big swig from the bottle instead. Exits again.

 DAN

    (another beat, then to audience)

Okay, that was fucking weird, right? I mean, I know what they’re talking about but… I mean that has nothing to do with, with anything. It’s just a coincidence. It’s just a coincidence I typed hospital not hostility, and…

 Dan trails off, realizing his admission. Looks at audience.

         DAN

Ok, I did. I originally when I was writing the play typed HOSPITAL instead of HOSTILITY. There, okay? You CAUGHT me. I LIED, um…

    (pause)

But it still doesn’t mean anything. I wasn’t thinking about the hospital- and yes, there is a hospital story, MY hospital story, of my time in the… and I’d be perfectly fine, you know, telling it, but the actual, like, crux of this piece, has nothing to do with, to do with… that. What happened. It Just Doesn’t. Okay?

Why they’re on me about it – I know I lied but…

Can we just focus on that a minute?

 Guest walks back in, wine bottle in hand.

 GUEST

Focus on what?

           Guest sits. Pause.

           DAN

Are you really drinking?

           GUEST

Yes I’m REALLY DRINKING.

    (as they take a big swig)

           DAN

Ok. I guess I just wanted to know why you want me to talk about the hospital so bad.

           GUEST

I don’t.

           DAN

Now what kind of idiot response is that?

           GUEST

YOUR idiot response. YOU wrote the play…

           DAN

Could you please stop throwing that in my face?

           GUEST

    (baby-voice)

Ohhhhh. Is it such an insult? Ohhhhhh. I’m sowwweeeeee.

           DAN

Stop it.

    (Guest continues making pouty baby faces.)

C’mon, stop- stop it- STOP!!!

    (Guest stops)

Look, do you want me to show you how to make dumplings or not?

           GUEST

By all means.

    (very poorly acted “stage” drunk)

By ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

           Beat.

           DAN

OK. Ignoring that…

I’ll be right back.

           Dan starts for the wings.

           GUEST

Where are you going?

           DAN

To get the supplies. Ingredients, tools…

           GUEST

Tools?

           DAN

Spoons and forks.

           GUEST

    (dismissive)

Fine.

           DAN

Is there a problem?

           GUEST

Not in the slightest! Take your time! Go, go! Shoo.

 Guest waves Dan off, who exits with an uncomprehending and slightly annoyed look. Beat. Guest turns their attention to the audience. A smile.

 GUEST

    (holding up bottle)

This isn’t real. There’s actually no wine in it…

    (turns bottle over, not a drop spills out)

…and I bet I didn’t fool you either! I was never that good, could never really pull off stage drunk.

(They set the bottle aside. Pause.)

None of this is real. Just so you know.  Well, I mean, obviously. You’re at a show, we’re playing make believe up here. But the conceit of the thing, right? Dan wrote himself AS A CHARACTER into his own play. PLAYED by an ACTOR – not himself. Which has gotta be its own like snake-swallowing-its-own tail challenge for an actor. Believe me, I do feel sorry for (insert first name of actor playing Dan), that can’t be easy. And when we were in rehearsal, the author watching you, watching YOU play THEM. That’s just like a cruel, like a sado-masochistic mindfuck. I mean inhabiting, or you know, realizing for an actor effectively a fictional character is hard enough. But a real person? And way more than even, like, some historical figure, like you were playing Abraham Lincoln or whomever, you know, there’s a remove there, some distance. But to ask someone to play YOU. Just a… I mean if there are any writers or inspiring out there – first, thank you for coming, keep pursuing your dreams, your craft, honing it, etcetera – but –  

    (shaking head)

Don’t do that. Keep it simple, huh? A bedroom farce or uhhh, courtroom drama! Audiences love those.  Or you know who really had a good bead on the whole theater thing? Neil Simon. Nothing too complicated there!  

    (pause)  

I bet he thinks he’s real clever. Especially coming up with me. “Guest”

    (They do real air-quotes.)

Sort of an alter ego. Or not an alter ego, but like what’s that Shakespeare line about holding a mirror up to nature? Who said that – Hamlet? It was probably Hamlet. Hamlet got all the good lines.  God I would love to play Hamlet.

    (dramatically)

The melancholy prince!

Now there’s a role you could really sink your teeth into. “To be or not…” y’know?

 Sound of something being dropped/crashing offstage. We hear Dan cursing:

           DAN

    (off)

Shit! Fuck…

 Guest moves off into the wings. We hear their dialogue faintly:

 GUEST

(off)

What happened? Can I help? Do you need / any-

 DAN

(off)

It’s fine. I’ll clean it up. I don’t think I lost too much of the filling. Just what are you talking about out there?

           GUEST

    (off)

Nothing. Normal chit-chat. Inconsequential. Not complaining at all.

           DAN

    (off)

Well, get back out there. It’s gotta be boring. I’ll be out in a minute.

           GUEST

    (off)

Ok. Are you / sure?

           DAN

    (off)

Yeah, yeah, go. This is dead air! Or whatever the stage equivalent I don’t know is.

 Guest returns. Small pause, maybe shrugs, lost.

           GUEST

He’s got it, I guess.

[spiderfan22]

DAY TWO HUNDRED AND ONE - 1/12/17

“DUMPLINGS: A PLAY IN ONE ACT (CONTINUED)” by DJS

Back with more from the new-new play. Really feeling this one. Probably because both the characters are extensions of me personally which makes dialogue and action easier to write. And yet they are still characters, and they still surprise me with the directions they want to go. Read on.

Characters

  Dan, mid thirties

 Guest, same age or younger, better looking, any gender

   Place

 Any theater, on a mostly bare stage

   Time

 Now

   A Note on Dialogue

A “/” in a character’s speech indicates where the next line of dialogue begins.

The audience enters the theater to find the stage set with a table and two chairs. The table should be long-ish, not square, and covered with a protective layer of white butcher paper. And the chairs should be upstage of the table, side by side, facing the audience.

Preshow music is fun 90’s pop, a playlist that must include “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.

 At rise Dan and Guest come onstage. They greet the audience, waving or giving small bows. A combination of both is fine, if warranted.

Then they sit.

 DAN

Ok. So first off-

           GUEST

First off?

           DAN

Firstly?

           GUEST

Can I stop you right there? Is there going to be a “secondly”?  Or “second off”?

           DAN

Yes. But chances are I won’t frame it that way. I don’t really have a bullet point sort of system…

           GUEST

But you’re not flying by the seat of your pants, either.

           DAN

No. No, / no.

           GUEST

Ok. Good. So: first off.

           DAN

First off, yes.

    (to Guest)

Welcome!

           GUEST

Oh!

           DAN

Thanks for being here. For uh, joining me.

           GUEST

Well, it’s a pleasure. I’ve never made dumplings before!

           DAN

But I assume you’ve had them, eaten …

           GUEST

You assume correctly – making neither an ass of you or me in the process. No, yes, I have partaken. Both at restaurants and frozen. From frozen I should say.

           DAN

Cool.

           GUEST

Very cool, yes, they were frozen.

           DAN

I see what you did there…

           GUEST

And no doubt appreciated it as much me.

           DAN

    (laughs)

So why don’t you ask how I came by this recipe?

           GUEST

Right: “How, on God’s green earth, did you come by this magnificent dumpling recipe that you are now only moments from sharing with the likes of little ol’ me? Oh gosh, how did I ever get so lucky?”

           DAN

Good of you to ask so un-prompted like that.

           GUEST

I try.

           DAN

You do try. You’re a good sport, Thank you. You’re a wonderful guinea pig for doing this. Thanks again for being here.

           GUEST

Thank you again for having me. You’re welcome.

           Beat.

           DAN

This is weird isn’t? I mean, it’s a little strange, right?

           GUEST

How come? Because our dialogue is scripted? And yet it’s made to seem – or we’re made to deliver it, perform uh – like we’re just making it up as we go along…?

           DAN

Having a natural conversation, yes.

           GUEST

Well, but I mean all drama’s scripted- TV, movies. Why should this be any-?

           DAN

I don’t know…

           Pause.

           GUEST

Y’know what? I wouldn’t worry about it.

           DAN

You wouldn’t?

           GUEST

No, not too much.

           DAN

But the suspension of disbelief thing…

           GUEST

Oh, well, that’s easy enough to get over. We’ll just ask the audience –

    (to audience)

Audience: please, we request your indulgence here tonight to suspend your disbelief at this play not being real? Our interactions, banter, etcetera, whatever we might do. That we’ve obviously rehearsed and… to make this appear, you know, for your benefit as much as ours, more life-like, when really it’s nothing but a fallacy. That we’re all “in on the joke” so to speak. What do you say? Can we get a round of applause consenting to the above?

 Guest encourages the audience to applaud their consent. The audience hopefully obliges.

           GUEST

There you go! See?!

    (or, if they happen to not)

Oh, well, there you go. We’re on our own, it seems.

           DAN

    (regardless of outcome)

Okay…

           GUEST

So where’d you get the recipe?

           DAN

Blue Apron.

           GUEST

The food delivery service?

           DAN

Well, you know. “Food delivery”

           GUEST

Why do you do that? Put food delivery in imaginary spoken suggested air-quotes?

           DAN

Well, because Blue Apron doesn’t deliver fully-formed, fully-cooked meals to your door, even to just pop in your oven – you have to make them yourself. Like a whole process with a recipe, ingredients- actual cooking. It’s not like ordering a pizza.

           GUEST

Or is it like ordering a pizza from Papa John’s? You bake it yourself.

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s.

           GUEST

Hmm?

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s, you’re thinking of Papa Murphy’s. Murphy’s is Take and Bake. Papa John’s is just like a regular restaurant. Or, not like a restaurant - you can’t eat there, they don’t have seating - but for pick-up. To-go.

           GUEST

Oh I see.

           DAN

Not to get off on a tangent there…

           GUEST

Really? You think this won’t be an evening full of delightfully kooky tangents /

           DAN

Well… /

           GUEST

and that that won’t end up being the whole point?

           DAN

Well-

           GUEST

I mean ‘cause let’s be honest here, if anyone was gonna be voted in high school Least Likely to Host His Own Cooking Show, that would be you. Your picture next to that dubious distinction. I mean with your history or lack thereof in the kitchen…?

           DAN

Brutal honesty.

           GUEST

I’s just calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

           DAN

And now racist.

           GUEST

How was that-?

           DAN

I don’t know. It just sounded like you were doing an old-timey black voice.

           GUEST

For your information that was my old-timey gangster.

           DAN

Great, good - can we move on?

            GUEST

Not without first – first off – acknowledging the glowing pink, like neon elephant in the room.

           DAN

O-K.

    (waits)

Which is what…?

           GUEST

Which is- You don’t know how to cook.

           DAN

Yes I do. I know how to cook-

           GUEST

You don’t-

           DAN

I do. I’m learning how to cook. That’s like the whole point of Blue Apron-

           GUEST

I thought the whole point of Blue Apron was to take the work out of- you know, the shopping, prep, etc.-

           DAN

Oh, you still do prep.

           GUEST

Like cut up vegetables and-?

           DAN

Yeah, they just send you the proper amounts of -

         GUEST

Well that… kind of sucks doesn’t it? I’m thinking for like the single woman on the go, her mindset. Doesn’t that just make more work?

           DAN

Yes and no. Is it as fast as a microwave dinner? No. Is it about the same time as ordering take-out from some place, pizza-?

           GUEST

Yeah, but you don’t actually have to make the pizza, shred the cheese, chop up the peppers, mushrooms, olives-

           DAN

Olives…nobody chops up olives, you buy pre-sliced in the can, or halved / or -

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Why, because it would just be inconvenient to-

 GUEST

Aha! See! See! Thank you, you’ve just made my point for me. Why can’t Blue Apron like, I don’t know, dice up your onions for you? I mean some stuff must come already prepped, right? Like olives?

           DAN

A few things / but-

           GUEST

And you never wondered or wished or everything wasn’t that way? I mean if you ask me, I think they’re just trying to lower the cost of their overhead.

           DAN

Probably, but-

           GUEST

So why not pay a little more so you, the consumer, isn’t so burdened?

           DAN

But it’s not a burden.

         Guest looks at him skeptically.

           DAN

It’s not, it’s really… because like I said the whole point… well, not the whole point – I mean there’s the convenience factor/ and-

           GUEST

Even though you yourself said not a moment ago it was inconvenient.

           DAN  

    (ignoring that)

And ALSO- also getting to try a bunch of foods you never, to widen your scope, uh, palate to… But a large part, no, to return to the, is you learn how to cook.  For instance, you were lamenting the fact, laboring on the, that you had to prep all your own vegetables and stuff-

           GUEST

Well, not the olives it seems but…

           DAN

    (again, not letting himself be distracted)

WELL you might be surprised to know I have actually gotten much faster at dicing onions, for instance, I have my own method, not probably how the real chefs / do it-

           GUEST

Do you know that’s the second time you said “for instance” in the span of like a sentence? You just used it.

           DAN

What do you want me to say? “For example,” then-

           GUEST

But yeah, but, how many examples and for instances can you use before you just sound like you’re repeating yourself?

           DAN

    (staring at Guest)

Wow …

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

No. I just don’t know why you’re being so critical and attacking me all of a sudden.

           GUEST

All of a sudden? You mean in the ten minutes we’ve been out here?

           DAN

Regardless of, all this, of your hostility is coming out of nowhere.

           GUEST

Hostility.

           DAN

Yes.

           Guest considers this. Then:

           GUEST

Hey –

    (claps hands)

- fun experiment! Do you wanna let folks in on a peek behind the curtain?

           DAN

What are you talking about?

           GUEST

You know, the writerly process and whatnot…

           DAN

Seriously what are you-

           GUEST

When you first typed “hostility” – back when you were first writing the script – you didn’t type “hostility” you typed…?

           Pause.

           DAN

I don’t… what?

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

I don’t remember.

           GUEST

Yes you do. Come on.

           DAN

“Come on…” What, did I misspell hostility or-?

           GUEST

No, a completely different word.

 Pause. Dan shrugs, either he doesn’t know or he’s pretending not to. Either way:

  GUEST

Fine – play dumb. You originally typed HOSPITAL.

           DAN

Hospital?

           GUEST

Yeah, instead of hostility, hospital. As in “Paging Doctor Vega, Doctor Vega to the Emergency Room please”

           DAN

Wait – who is… / DOCTOR VEGA?

           GUEST

I can’t believe you’re pretending like you don’t remember.

           DAN

I’m not. / I don’t.

           GUEST

Yeah you do. / Yes you do.

           DAN

Why? Why would I lie? About something as stupid / as-

           GUEST

Uhhhhh to seem more smart, maybe? Or look less dumb.

           DAN

How would I…

    (pause)

Okay, first off –

           GUEST

Here we go again.

           DAN

FIRST OFF. It’s “smarter”. Not “more smart”.

           GUEST

WOW. Getting into a semantics argument this early, huh? You really wanna do that, go that route?

           DAN

Not really but you’re kind of forcing my hand-

           GUEST

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT’S ALWAYS BUGGED ME?

           DAN

Why are you yelling?

           GUEST

You know what’s always bugged me? The little quirks of the English language. Like how you’re supposed to say SMARTER, not MORE SMART. But you don’t say –and this is just a for instance –

    (Dan rolls his eyes)

FUN-ner. You say MORE FUN. I mean shoot, no wonder English is such a second language to people. It wouldn’t be my choice of a first.

           Beat.

           DAN

Can I continue with what I was saying now?

           GUEST

Oh, by all means, do, let’s.

           Beat.

           DAN

How would I like dumb? Because I made a mistake? A perfectly reasonable just ordinary typed-one-word-when-I-meant-another–

           GUEST

Exactly. Which is why you blowing it up into this whole thing and not just admitting to the teensiest of foibles-

           DAN

Because I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t make a mistake!

           Silence. A beat or two.

 GUEST

Y’know…?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

No, I was just gonna say: you know what’s so funny about overcompensation -?

           DAN

Oh my god. / Please

           GUEST

No, just- just hear me out-

           DAN

Like I could stop you.

           GUEST

Ha, yes.

    (considers that, then)

You know what’s so funny about overcompensation? I mean when people overcompensate? And it’s not select to some people and others immune, I think we all do it from time to time, when it suits us. Just our buttons get pushed and-

           DAN

Get to the, the thing, the crux of your… whatever.

           GUEST

    (defensive, even haughty)

I am! I will!

 But instead, there is a long pause. Guest scratches their head, in bemused thought.

           GUEST

Shit, you’re gonna hate me, but I lost my train of thought.

           DAN

    (deeply sarcastic)

Awesome.

           GUEST

Sorry, not my intention, just I was chugging along there pretty good and then whoops, jumped the track - /

DAN

Right

           GUEST

No survivors.

           DAN

Okay

           GUEST

Like that movie Titanic.

 Short pause, as Dan stares at Guest.

           GUEST

So but…

Wait, why are you staring at me like that?

    (No response)

Ooooooo-kay. Creepy. But, what do you think you’re overcompensating for?

    (Dan opens his mouth-)

And before you say anything, really think about it, I want you to really, like, plumb the depths of your… subconscious or, you know, I mean if that’s what’s coming into play here, blocking you from-

           DAN

Is this… are you like my therapist now? Who says I’m blocked?

           GUEST

I do. I say you’re blocked.  

           DAN

But blocked / how?

           GUEST

And I would never agree to be your therapist.

    (pause)

Just so we’re clear.

           Beat.

           DAN

Blocked how, though?

           GUEST

How are you-? By just not even being able to see how getting so defensive about something that’s ultimately this trivial- like all I was doing was relaying an amusing anecdote, that’s it, that’s all-

           DAN

But if I had made a mistake like that, - hostility instead of hospital- / I would

      ��    GUEST

Hospital instead of hostility, but.

           DAN

Okay, now who’s getting hung up on semantics?

(No response, Guest waiting for him to continue.)

I would, I would admit it. If I had done it. But I didn’t so…

           GUEST

Oh man. If this was only like the NFL. Then we could go to the gametape, review the play. Literally, ha.  Then you would see.

           DAN

No, I wouldn’t. Because I didn’t type hospital, I typed / hostility.

 GUEST

    (not quite yelling)

Splendid! You’ve convinced me! End of conversation! Shall we move on?

           Long pause.

           DAN

I’m sorry.

           GUEST

You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who-

           DAN

Yeah but you were right, I got defensive / and-

           GUEST

And I just wouldn’t let it go.

    (pause, sentimental, about to cry?)

Still best friends?

           DAN

    (small pause)

Are we…best/…?

           GUEST

Fuck it. You know, let’s just move on.

           DAN

Okay!

           GUEST

Okay!

           DAN

Okay.

           GUEST

Alright, okay.

           Awkward pause.

           GUEST

Where were we?

           DAN

I think you were asking me where I got the recipe from.

           GUEST

Oh yeah Blue Apron wow okay. That was like way back on page four of the script. Huh. Hate to say I toldja so about the tangents, the going on tangents thing but…

           DAN

I know, but I also wrote all this, I wrote in the tangents, so…

           GUEST

Which quite possibly makes it even weirder.

           DAN

It does, quite possibly, yes.

           GUEST

And there’s no reason – sorry but – there’s no reason to get all high and mighty about, y’know, your position in relation to mine. Like you’re the creator of this whole thing, therefore you occupy this higher echelon of character within the, the narrative. I shouldn’t be made to feel, you know, belittled or… less than.

           DAN

I’m… Ok, sorry. That’s not what I meant though, and if you felt that way.

           GUEST

No, no, let’s just- we almost had it back on track, so let’s just go.

    (false positivity)

Blue Apron?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

I’m prompting you. This is kind of a do-over. Straight and to the point. No distractions, wild asides or tangents. Just good, clean – American - culinary fun.

           DAN

    (dubious)

Sounds… great.

Okay. Well…

We had started to / get-

           GUEST

Hold on a minute. Who’s “we”?

           DAN

…My wife and I.

           GUEST

Oh, ok. Proceed.

           DAN

We’d started to receive- or, I mean, we decided to try Blue Apron mostly because we had gotten in a food rut-

           GUEST

Food rut?

           DAN

Yeah, like eating the same dinner, same meals over and over again. And nothing imaginative either, just really like, really just gross food, y’know, nachos and sloppy joes, Manwich.

           GUEST

You don’t like Sloppy Joes?

           DAN

No, they’re fine, they’re… Just we- it was like we couldn’t.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

WE, we couldn’t think of other stuff to make. And my wife-

           GUEST

Shawna, you can say her name.

           DAN

-Shawna yeah, Shawna is a great cook. Very intuitive. Very good at – you know, not just following a recipe but instinctively about / knowing what, while you’re in the process of,

           GUEST

Sorry, what’s instinctive?

           DAN

knowing what’s needed. What’s…instinctive? / What do you-

           GUEST

Oh no, no, I get it now. She can think on her feet.

           DAN

Right, like with spices, knowing what to add, what something needs / and-

           GUEST

You’re not.

           DAN

No. I mean I was surprised at how often they tell you to salt and pepper what you’re making. Like at every stage, “add salt and pepper,” the recipe is very…emphatic about that, you’re supposed / to-

           GUEST

So they send you the recipe, the ingredients…

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

You get to pick or’s it just random the recipes they send you?

           DAN

You get to pick. You go on the website and there’s usually six, four to six options so you don’t have to get anything you won’t – for instance-

Dan stops. Looks at Guest expecting them to say something, but Guest very graciously waves their hand like it’s not worth getting into. Dan proceeds.

           DAN

For instance, Shawna’s allergic to lemon, uhhh, citrus, so we try to avoid recipes where that’s a big component. She also hates-HATES salmon in all its forms and configurations.

           GUEST

Configurations…

           DAN

Just go with me. So we obviously don’t order any salmon recipes.

           GUEST

Do you like salmon?

           DAN

Sure, but it’s not my favorite or anything.

And I veto stuff too. Like anything with couscous, or just bizarre vegetables I’ve never heard of.

           GUEST

You don’t like to try new stuff?

           DAN

It’s not… that. I try stuff. But I think we all have a, we all like certain things, are partial to, or not partial to. Foods. Food groups, uh-

           GUEST

Can I run a list with you real quick?

           DAN

A list of…?

           GUEST

Of foods you will and will not eat, try.

           DAN

Ohhh, okay.

           GUEST

You just say yes or no.

           DAN

K.

           GUEST

Couscous.

           DAN

N- no. I already told you that-

           GUEST

Fine, fine.

Just what’s your problem with couscous?

           DAN

The texture, I think? I don’t know, we got it once and / I just didn’t-

           GUEST

    (eager to continue)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um…

Bell peppers.

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

No?

           DAN

Too spicy.

           GUEST

But… bell peppers are like the LEAST SPICY of-

           DAN

Then I just don’t like the taste. I don’t like the taste they add.

           GUEST

Okay. Ummm.

Salmon-

           DAN

We already-

           GUEST

I know but other kinds of fish.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

So like a blanket “all fish” on that one.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Interesting…

           DAN

And I don’t mind a fish tasting like fish either, you know, having a fishy taste or smell?

           GUEST

Sure.

Beets?

           DAN

Eww. No.

           GUEST

Fennel.

           DAN

Um, I don’t really… have an opinion…

           GUEST

Kale, then.

           DAN

Uhhh. In small doses, sure.

           GUEST

What’s a / small dose…?

           DAN

Practically non-existent.

           GUEST

Huh.

Interesting.

    (Pause. Dan looks at Guest like “What?”)

You’re kind of a picky eater aren’t you?

           DAN

/ No

           GUEST

Not all the way picky, I mean you eat all the normal stuff frou-frou’ed up a bit, but not really / that adventurous.

           DAN

SUSHI.

           GUEST

    (amused; knows where this is going)

What about it?

           DAN

Sushi’s not adventurous? Raw fish / is not -?

           GUEST

I mean for your family, compared to where you came from, sure. But in the grand, you know, “scheme” of things…? Everybody likes sushi.

    (an afterthought)

Sushi is not a barometer.

[spiderfan22]

DAY TWO HUNDRED - 1/11/17

 “DUMPLINGS: A PLAY IN ONE ACT” by DJS

So here we are. I made it. We made it. DAY TWO HUNDRED.

It’s been a long journey. Way more than a year. And over that time, the mission of this blog has changed and altered course slightly. Sometimes it was just short plays, then a couple medium length one-acts, or a series of plays based around the same characters, or a unifying theme. And then there are the full-length plays I’ve developed: LIVING ALONE, PRIVATE LIFE, DRONES, and now this play DUMPLINGS.

You might be wondering, “what happened to DRONES? You were right in the middle of it.”

Well, there will be more of DRONES, it’s just postponed a bit while I work this new play through my system.

I seized on the idea of DUMPLINGS over the weekend (while making dumplings, don’tcha know!) and found it too impossible to stop writing once I started. It’s a weird one, I have to say. It’s about me. About my own insecurities, my quirks, my sense of humor, my frustrations.

And come hell or high water, I will have this play produced this year. 2017.

And this tumblr will continue, I will keep on writing until I reach DAY THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE.

So enjoy. Dig into the archive. There’s lots of good and lots of bad.

The point is, there’s lots of it.

(and pardon the formatting of the new play, you’ll just have to go with it.)

THANKS!

-DJS

Characters

  Dan, mid thirties

 Guest, same age or younger, better looking, any gender

   Place

 Any theater, on a mostly bare stage

   Time

 Now

  The audience enters the theater to find the stage set with a table and two chairs. The table should be long-ish, not square, and covered with a protective layer of white butcher paper. And the chairs should be upstage of the table, side by side, facing the audience.

Preshow music is fun 90’s pop. At a bare minimum, the playlist must include “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.

 At rise Dan and Guest come onstage. They greet the audience, waving or giving small bows. A combination of both is fine, if warranted.

Then they sit.

 DAN

Ok. So first off-

           GUEST

First off?

           DAN

Firstly?

           GUEST

Can I stop you right there? Is there going to be a “secondly”?  Or “second off”?

           DAN

Yes. But chances are I won’t frame it that way. I don’t really have a bullet point sort of system…

           GUEST

But you’re not flying by the seat of your pants, either.

           DAN

No. No, no.

           GUEST

Ok. Good. So: first off.

           DAN

First off, yes.

    (to Guest)

Welcome!

           GUEST

Oh!

           DAN

Thanks for being here. For, uh, joining me.

           GUEST

Well, it’s a pleasure. I’ve never made dumplings before!

           DAN

But I assume you’ve had them, eaten …

           GUEST

You assume correctly – making neither an ass of you or me in the process. No, yes, I have partaken. Both at restaurants and frozen. From frozen I should say.

           DAN

Cool.

           GUEST

Very cool, yes, they were frozen.

           DAN

I see what you did there…

           GUEST

And no doubt appreciated it as much me.

           DAN

    (laughs)

So why don’t you ask how I came by this recipe?

           GUEST

Right: “How, on God’s green earth, did you come by this magnificent dumpling recipe that you are now only moments from sharing with the likes of little ol’ me? Oh gosh, how did I ever get so lucky?”

           DAN

Good of you to ask so un-prompted like that.

           GUEST

I try.

           DAN

You do try. You’re a good sport, Thank you. You’re a wonderful guinea pig for doing this. Thanks again for being here.

           GUEST

Thank you again for having me. You’re welcome.

           Beat.

           DAN

This is weird isn’t? I mean, it’s a little strange, right?

           GUEST

How come? Because our dialogue is scripted? And yet it’s made to seem – or we’re made to deliver it, perform uh – like we’re just making it up as we go along…?

           DAN

Having a natural conversation, yes.

           GUEST

Well, but I mean all drama’s scripted- TV, movies. Why should this be any-?

           DAN

I don’t know…

           Pause.

           GUEST

Y’know what? I wouldn’t worry about it.

           DAN

You wouldn’t?

           GUEST

No, not too much.

           DAN

But the suspension of disbelief thing…

           GUEST

Oh, well, that’s easy enough to get over. We’ll just ask the audience –

    (to audience)

Audience: please, we request your indulgence here tonight to suspend your disbelief at this play not being real? Our interactions, banter, etcetera, whatever we might do. That we’ve obviously rehearsed and… to make this appear, you know, for your benefit as much as ours, more life-like, when really it’s nothing but a fallacy. That we’re all “in on the joke” so to speak. What do you say? Can we get a round of applause consenting to the above?

 Guest encourages the audience to applaud their consent. The audience (hopefully) obliges.

           GUEST

There you go! See?!

    (or, if they happen to not)

Oh, well, there you go. We’re on our own, it seems.

           DAN

    (regardless of outcome)

Okay…

           GUEST

So where’d you get the recipe?

           DAN

Blue Apron.

           GUEST

The food delivery service?

           DAN

Well, you know. “Food delivery”

           GUEST

Why do you do that? Put food delivery in imaginary spoken suggested air-quotes?

           DAN

Well, because Blue Apron doesn’t deliver fully-formed, fully-cooked meals to your door, even to just pop in your oven – you have to make them yourself. Like a whole process with a recipe, ingredients- actual cooking. It’s not like ordering a pizza.

           GUEST

Or is it like ordering a pizza from Papa John’s? You bake it yourself.

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s.

           GUEST

Hmm?

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s, you’re thinking of Papa Murphy’s. Murphy’s is Take and Bake. Papa John’s is just like a regular restaurant. Or, not like a restaurant - you can’t eat there, they don’t have seating - but for pick-up. To-go.

           GUEST

Oh I see.

           DAN

Not to get off on a tangent there…

           GUEST

Really? You think this won’t be an evening full of delightfully kooky tangents /

           DAN

Well… /

           GUEST

and that that won’t end up being the whole point?

           DAN

Well-

           GUEST

I mean ‘cause let’s be honest here, if anyone was gonna be voted in high school Least Likely to Host His Own Cooking Show, that would be you. Your picture next to that dubious distinction. I mean with your history or lack thereof in the kitchen…

           DAN

Brutal honesty.

           GUEST

I’s just calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

           DAN

And now racist.

           GUEST

How was that-?

           DAN

I don’t know. It just sounded like you were doing an old-timey black voice.

           GUEST

For your information that was my old-timey gangster.

           DAN

Great, good - can we move on?

            GUEST

Not without first – first off – acknowledging the glowing pink, like neon elephant in the room.

           DAN

O-K.

    (waits)

Which is what…?

           GUEST

Which is- You don’t know how to cook.

           DAN

Yes I do. I know how to cook-

           GUEST

You don’t-

           DAN

I do. I’m learning how to cook. That’s like the whole point of Blue Apron-

           GUEST

I thought the whole point of Blue Apron was to take the work out of- you know, the shopping, prep, etc.-

           DAN

Oh, you still do prep.

           GUEST

Like cut up vegetables and-?

           DAN

Yeah, they just send you the proper amounts of -

         GUEST

Well that… kind of sucks doesn’t it? I’m thinking for like the single woman on the go, her mindset. Doesn’t that just make more work?

           DAN

Yes and no. Is it as fast as a microwave dinner? No. Is it about the same time as ordering take-out from some place, pizza-?

           GUEST

Yeah, but you don’t actually have to make the pizza, shred the cheese, chop up the peppers, mushrooms, olives-

           DAN

Olives…nobody chops up olives, you buy pre-sliced in the can, or halved or–/

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Why, because it would just be inconvenient to-

 GUEST

Aha! See! See?! Thank you, you’ve just made my point for me. Why can’t Blue Apron like, I don’t know, dice up your onions for you? I mean some stuff must come already prepped, right? Like olives?

           DAN

A few things…

           GUEST

And you never wondered or wished everything wasn’t that way? I mean if you ask me, I think they’re just trying to lower the cost of their overhead.

           DAN

Probably.

           GUEST

So why not pay a little more so you, the consumer, isn’t so burdened?

           DAN

But it’s not a burden.

         Guest looks at him skeptically.

           DAN

It’s not, it’s really… because like I said the whole point… well, not the whole point – I mean there’s the convenience factor/ and-

           GUEST

Even though you yourself said not a moment ago it was inconvenient.

           DAN  

    (ignoring that)

And ALSO- also getting to try a bunch of foods you never, to widen your scope, uh, palate to… But a large part, no, to return to the, is you learn how to cook.  For instance, you were lamenting the fact, laboring on the, that you had to prep all your own vegetables and stuff-

           GUEST

Well, not the olives it seems but…

           DAN

    (again, not letting himself be distracted)

WELL you might be surprised to know I have actually gotten much faster at dicing onions for instance, I have my own method, not probably how the real chefs do it-

           GUEST

Do you know that’s the second time you said “for instance” in the span of like a sentence? You just used it.

           DAN

What do you want me to say? For example, then-

           GUEST

But yeah, but, how many examples and for instances can you use before you just sound like you’re repeating yourself?

           DAN

    (staring at Guest)

Wow, I just…

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

No. I just don’t know why you’re being so critical and attacking me all of a sudden.

           GUEST

All of a sudden? You mean in the ten minutes we’ve been out here?

           DAN

Regardless of time, all this, of your hostility is coming out of nowhere.

           GUEST

Hostility.

           DAN

Yes.

           Guest considers this. Then:

           GUEST

Hey –

    (claps hands)

- fun experiment! Do you wanna let folks in on a peek behind the curtain?

           DAN

What are you talking about?

           GUEST

You know, the writerly process and whatnot…

           DAN

Seriously what are you-

           GUEST

When you first typed “hostility” – back when you were first writing the script – you didn’t type “hostility” you typed…?

           Pause.

           DAN

I don’t… what?

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

I don’t remember.

           GUEST

Yes you do. Come on.

           DAN

“Come on…” What, did I misspell hostility or-?

           GUEST

No, a completely different word.

 Pause. Dan shrugs, either he doesn’t know or he’s pretending not to. Either way:

  GUEST

Fine – play dumb. You originally typed HOSPITAL.

           DAN

Hospital?

           GUEST

Yeah, instead of hostility, hospital. As in “Paging Doctor Vega, Doctor Vega to the Emergency Room please”

           DAN

Wait – who is… / DOCTOR VEGA?

           GUEST

I can’t believe you’re pretending like you don’t remember.

           DAN

I’m not. / I don’t.

           GUEST

Yeah you do. / Yes you do.

           DAN

Why? Why would I lie? About something as stupid / as-

           GUEST

Uhhhhh to seem more smart, maybe? Or look less dumb.

           DAN

How would I…

    (pause)

Okay, first off –

           GUEST

Here we go again.

           DAN

FIRST OFF. It’s “smarter”. Not “more smart”.

           GUEST

WOW. Getting into a semantics argument this early, huh? You really wanna do that, go that route?

           DAN

Not really but you’re kind of forcing my hand-

           GUEST

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT’S ALWAYS BUGGED ME?

           DAN

Why are you yelling?

           GUEST

You know what’s always bugged me? The little quirks of the English language. Like how you’re supposed to say SMARTER, not MORE SMART. But you don’t say –and this is just a for instance –

    (Dan rolls his eyes)

FUN-ner. You say MORE FUN. I mean shoot, no wonder English is such a second language to people. It wouldn’t be my choice of a first.

           Beat.

           DAN

Can I continue with what I was saying now?

           GUEST

Oh, by all means, do, let’s.

           Beat.

           DAN

How would I like dumb? Because I made a mistake? A perfectly reasonable just ordinary typed-one-word-when-I-meant-another–

           GUEST

Exactly. Which is why you blowing it up into this whole thing and not just admitting to the teensiest of foibles-

           DAN

Because I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t make a mistake!

           Silence. A beat or two.

 GUEST

Y’know…?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

No, I was just gonna say: you know what’s so funny about overcompensation -?

           DAN

Oh my god. / Please

           GUEST

No, just- just hear me out-

           DAN

Like I could stop you.

           GUEST

Ha, yes.

    (considers that, then)

You know what’s so funny about overcompensation? I mean when people overcompensate? And it’s not select to some people and others immune, I think we all do it from time to time, when it suits us. Just our buttons get pushed and-

           DAN

Get to the, the thing, the crux of your… whatever.

           GUEST

    (defensive, even haughty)

I am! I will!

 But instead, there is a long pause. Guest scratches their head, in bemused thought.

           GUEST

Shit, you’re gonna hate me, but I lost my train of thought.

           DAN

    (deeply sarcastic)

Awesome.

           GUEST

Sorry, not my intention, just I was chugging along there and then whoops, jumped the track - /

DAN

Right

           GUEST

No survivors.

           DAN

Okay

           GUEST

Just like that movie Titanic.

 To be continued