#so it is 2:37 and i decided that instead of getting stress pain

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

Of fucking course today of all days the people living above me throw a super big, loud party

[a-cluttered-gordon-freeman]

Unclouded Days, because I'm not an idiot and I definitely remembered this story exists, part 3.

Part 1 | Part 2

"If I wanted to have a family... I'd have it with Alyx... Or Barney... But for right now...."

Gordon looked up from his journal. Taking a glance at his clock, he noted the date and time. 6:37 a.m. on a cold Thursday, April 13.

It had been a whole 2 months since he last visited Alyx and Barney. Gordon could remember the chill of the incoming blizzard as he trudged through the snow, and he remembered the chill coming back home afterwards.

His cabin was a safe haven away from the chaos of the society he helped create. Gordon wanted nothing to do there. He wanted to be by himself, for all too long he had been surrounded by people and he couldn't stand it. He thoroughly enjoyed the moments spent being away from everyone, where he was on his own, doing whatever. Nobody would boss him about. He wouldn't have to fight.

Barney had brought up a good point, but by accident. Gordon had mocked Barney by making such claims as having a family. And with Barney asking if he had one, Gordon spent long nights thinking about it.

No, he didn't have one, but Gordon couldn't deny that he had thought about having one, and having some kids of his own. He was still young enough to, but with whom? Barney would say yes, he and Gordon were always intimate with each other and would be asked constantly at Black Mesa when they'd marry. But it'd rule out children, as niether of them could reproduce with each other. Alyx would be uncertain about getting married, probably, mostly because she didn't know to the fullest what it meant. And niether of them felt a strong attraction towards each other, so would it even be considered a real loving relationship?

Gordon took another look at the clock. 7:15 a.m.. Temperature dropped a few degrees in the cabin. He sighed.

Another night wasted.

Closing the journal, Gordon stood up and stretched before opening the window to let it the sun and some fresh air. He stared outside, some animals crossing in and out of his vision, the leaves from last fall stuck down under the remaining snow. It was cold out, but the kind of cold one craved for in the spring. A nice and peaceful morning with a slight chill, the forestry just now waking up with snow melting around, providing nutrients to the life nearby.

He felt tired. Not unusual, as he lost quite a bit of sleep since that week in February. But Gordon couldn't fall asleep.

It was the entire point of that journal. To write his thoughts until he felt as though he could sleep. Some nights he considered heading back over to Eli and Kliener, maybe chat a bit. But being 40-something miles away would mean he'd arrive there sometime by noon. Other nights he considered working on some projects he laid out. But that would mean Gordon would have to turn on the other lights- all that artificial light would keep him up more than the red-light alarm he used to write in his journal. More often than not Gordon would just sit at his desk, writing away from 8 in the evening to 7 in the morning. The rare nights were when he didn't write in his journal, but instead bathed in the pitch black darkness.

Writing in the journal helped though. Gordon wouldn't have to worry about making sense to anyone, as long as it made enough sense to him. No need to appropriate a sentence, give it structure. It was a place where he could write what he was feeling, with no worry of harming anyone else.

Though sometimes Gordon wished he could actually tell someone, get advice or some help. It would have been useful as hell for him.

To ask for help gave Gordon the feeling of uselessness, a feeling he had been trying to avoid hard. To be told to do a thing gave him a purpose. So he did things that made him feel useful- took care of alien enemies for those that couldn't, provided backup to those who could, saved humanity, rebuilt society. Gordon did it all. There was no way he was going to ask anyone for help. He'd feel guilty as hell.

Gordon decided that he was done thinking such thoughts. And he had also decided that he would relax with a nice, warm shower, taking some time to ease off some stress.

Silence had been filling the lab. It was as if quiet things could become quieter, if it didn't make sound then it would start making other things stop making sound.

Alyx and Barney found it uncomfortable. The silence was deafening, and they could hear their thoughts much too clearly. It also provided a sort of laziness, a feeling of boredom, to the lab. A place once bustling with life and loud noises now only inhabited by two people with nothing better to do that they hadn't done forty times before.

"What if we went out of town for a bit?" Barney broke the silence, startling Alyx, who had been slowly falling asleep.

"What do you mean? To where?" She stretched.

"To Gordon's."

"I don't know, would he even like visitors right now? We have no way of asking him."

"Surprise visit?"

"We can't ask him, Barney! We've got no way to talk to him." Alyx rested her head on the table, letting out a drowsy sigh.

"I know where he lives." Barney said, causing Alyx to look over at him. "He had told me an approximation, he lives east near the giant trees."

"In the shack?"

"Yeah."

"Barney, thats forty miles away. We'd have to start early morning to arrive at his house with some daylight left. And besides, there is no way we'd be able to spend the night there, it has four rooms- a bathroom, a tiny bedroom, a kitchen and a main room."

Silence filled the lab once more. Alyx had a point, it was already too small for one person, much more with three. And there would be no way of confirming with Gordon if they could even get there- if anyone else saw them leave, and it would be a given that many people would see them leave, then Gordon's privacy would be violated by everyone else knowing where he lived.

It'd be rude to arrive uninvited, and unpleasant if he wasn't there or was too busy to let them in.

"Can't you talk to him?" Barney stared at Alyx, who sat up with exhaustion.

"How do you think I would be capable of that?"

"With that weird vort-connection-thingy you two have."

She took a moment to think. "I'm... Not entirely sure. I don't think I can."

"Should we ask a vortigaunt?"

Gordon finished dressing and took a seat on his bed. He was disappointed. His bath hadn't helped to relieve any stress whatsoever, instead he was convinced it added more and made it worse.

Which... Isn't good when you are a sleep-deprived physicist who has just been to a version of hell and back at one moment and wiping the enemy off the face of the planet.

His clock now read 9:00 a.m. exact. He could take a walk around the forest, or maybe cook up something.

Or, instead, he could lay in bed, the window open, the covers over him. Which is what Gordon did.

It made the annoying sleeplessness much worse but one could not deny the relaxing comfort it brought. And slowly, just so slowly, Gordon began to drift off to sleep.

"You can communicate feelings and pain without words, but you cannot talk to the Freeman directly." The vorts had answered, causing a sigh from Alyx and Barney.

"Well, then, fuck how are we supposed to get him now?" Barney huffed.

"We wait until he decides to come over." Alyx replied, getting up to go back to the lab.

"Have either of you decides to meet the Freeman yourselves?" A vort inquired, walking up to Alyx and Barney.

"No." The both of them responded.

"It'd be rude to walk up to his house uninvited, seeing as others could follow us." Alyx look over at the vortigaunts, who gave the appearance of understanding.

The two left the vortigaunts and returned to their eerily quiet lab, where boredom struck again.

Gordon shot up, panting hard. Beads of sweat trailed down his face, his heart and mind racing. He glanced at the clock.

5:21 p.m. on a now warm April 13.

Gordon took a second to calm down. He couldn't remember what had caused him to be so hyped up. Was it a nightmare? Bad memory?

What ever it was, it was gone now. Gordon could be thankful for that at least.

Chest still pounding, Gordon took a second to gain his bearings and calm down. He found it extremely difficult to do such on his own. As a result, he went out on a walk. He found it best to take in the nature, listen to the trees and wildlife.

As much as Gordon would have liked to hunt, a gun would raise back past feelings of fear, anger and pain that the Resonance Cascade and the Uprising caused. He couldn't stand to hold such a weapon nowadays, the only reason he'd have one anymore is for safety purposes. But even then, Gordon would much rather fight with a knife.

Bored with his little house and, unfortunately, the forestry around him, Gordon set out to the lab. It was best for an escape, as he wasn't feeling all that great by himself.

It was daybreak by the time Gordon arrived at White Forest. He had taken some time to visit Eli and Kleiner, and had also gone for a bit of shopping in the main town. Once done with that,he made his way to the lab.

"Hey Barney."

Barney turned around and was greeted by Gordon.

"Gordon?"

"Yeah, I'd hope so. How have things been?"

Barney smiled. "Its been good. And you?"

"...not good." Gordon sighed and looked down a bit. "Haven't been getting good rest."

"Would you like to spend a few more nights here? At the lab with Alyx and I?"

"Yeah... I'd appreciate that thanks..."

Barney took Gordon's hand and led him to the lab, where Alyx greeted them both with an excited smile.

Gordon got set up in his old room again. Sitting upon his bed, he stared at the ceiling in silent contemplation. Closing his eyes, he began to silently cry, for no reason he could find.

When Alyx stepped into the room, she caught a glance of the tired and teary-eyed man. She took that as a moment to sit next to him and offer weak support.

Gordon glanced over to her and wiped off his eyes. "S-sorry..." he muttered weakly, his voice shaky as hell.

Alyx smiled. "No need to be sorry. Just let it all out."

END OF PART 3

---------

Heyo! Its yours true. I need help to try to make it towards the end by offerring your support for the story and reblogging/asking more about it/ messaging me! Rb>likes, and the reblogs offer me more motivation to continue writing the stories, and same would go for my ravenholm comics, that you can read at @returntoravenholm-awgag ! I'd appreciate all the support I can get from anyone! Thank you!

-marc

[avewritesmr]

hello hello, may i request prompt 37 (“is this some kind of joke?”) with jeonghan (seventeen) but,,, make it Angst?

Prompt: “Is this some kind of joke?”

Word Count: 1804 words

Pairing: Yoon Jeonghan x Male!Reader

Group: Seventeen

Genre: Angst

TW: there is mild cursing but nothing explicit

A/N: Sorry this took a while anonie, I am really happy to get back to writing though, if you want I might do a part 2 to this, hated leaving my baby so hurt in the end 💖

Jeonghan was scrolling through his camera role looking for a photo he had taken earlier of Joshua, he had complete control of the groups twitter that day and he was planning to use it to his full advantage in order to expose all his members.

His playful grin faded into a soft one when he found the picture he had been looking for right next to a picture of y/n pressing a kiss to his cheek.

He had yet to call y/n today and now that he saw the picture he wanted nothing more than to dial his boyfriends number and hear his voice.

Quickly selecting the picture with Joshua he clicks the tweet button without giving the action much second thought.

He waits a couple seconds before he reloads the app to see his tweet and his stomach drops, eyes widening.

That is the wrong photo, as quickly as his shaky fingers can move he works to delete the tweet, when he has it deleted he lets out a sigh of relief.

The dread is still ever present in his heart and his heart is still beating like he just ran a marathon, but that photo was not up for more than a minute and Jeonghan is going to pray that whoever saw it did not take a screenshot or save it.

His hands are shaking as he slides down on his bed, he squeezes his fingers tightly to try and stop the shaking, taking deep breaths to calm his heart beat.

Should he tell y/n? or a manager? maybe Seungcheol? Should he tell anyone at all?

It is almost as if God hears his questions and sends a reply because Seungcheol chooses this moment to walk into his room.

Seungcheol is about to say something but Jeonghan talks first, “I made a mistake.”

“Okay?” Seungcheol is looking at him in concern.

“I was going to post this silly picture of Joshua but I accidentally posted a picture with y/n and I deleted it in less than a minute but people must have already seen it.” Jeonghan feels the words tumble past his lips and his hands are shaking more than they were before, fingers cold and cramped.

He watches Seungcheol’s face change from concerned to shocked to slightly angry to concerned again.

“It is okay, you deleted it, so we just have to hope no one is going to re-post it right?”

Jeonghan hadn’t been expecting that response, in the few seconds of silence that passed he had expected Seungcheol to grab him and throw him out of the dorm telling him to leave the group as irrational as the thought was.

“What if they do?” Jeonghan asks, he feels nauseas and a little faint and the thought that he shouldn’t be this scared of people knowing he is in a relationship crosses his mind.

“We deal with it when it happens, right now I am gonna go talk to manager and you’ll go over to y/n’s dorm and give him a warning.” Seunghceol shoots him a reassuring smile but Jeonghan is anything but reassured.

Minutes ago he had been excited to call y/n, ease some of the stress the other was feeling from all the promotions he was doing for his album, but now just the idea of going to see the other makes Jeonghan wish the fan hanging from his ceiling would fall down and strike him dead.

Seungcheol can se the fear in his eyes and he moves forward to hug him, “It’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, there are worse things in the world than a boy who likes to kiss other boys.”

Jeonghan nods, he can’t agree more, but he worries that the general public doesn’t agree, he doesn’t know if the company agrees, and he doesn’t know if his career is standing on its last leg.

“I am sorry, all of you guys will get hurt by this.” The guilt trumps all emotions in that statement, the thought of his career coming to an end isn’t as scary as the thought that he might be dooming his friends careers as well. It isn’t fair.

“You don’t have to be, just go to y/n talk with him about it, I’ll work thigns out with management don’t worry.” Jeonghan nods hugging Seungcheol one more time before he grabs his coat and a face mask, he shoves his phone into his pocket unceremoniously, hell just go to y/n’s apartment, and try and figure out what to say on his way there.

He gets there too soon, the trip that usually feels like it drags on for way too long today feels like it finishes too quickly today despite Jeonghan making an effort to walk slower than he usually does.

He hesitates with his fingers hovering over the keypad  before he decides to knock instead, his hands are sweaty and shaking, his stomach is knotted and uncomfortable, and his heart is beating so fast it is almost painful. He shakes his head in hopes of clearing it and forming some form of coherent sentence in his head.

y/n opens the door with a smile on his face, he is wearing a pair of jeans and a hoodie, he must have been getting ready to head out.

“Jeonghan? Why didn’t you just let yourself in?” y/n’s smile fades a little when he sees Jeonghan’s hunched figure, “Is something wrong?”

“I made a mistake, I am sorry.” The words leave Jeonghan’s mouth before he can think them through.

y/n’s eyebrows furrow and he moves aside beckoning Jeonghan into the apartment.

“Come in, take of your jacket and get comfortable then you can tell me.”

y/n closes the door and leans against it watching Jeonghan slip of his shoes and face mask, he doesn’t take off his jacket because his entire body feels like its been dipped in ice cold water.

“What’s wrong?” y/n asks the question again guiding Jeonghan into the living room.

Jeonghan shakes his hands lightly and swallows a lump in his throat trying to decide how to approach the situation, he can skip around it a little or get right to the point.

He surveys the room they’re in and judging by the packed backpack and clothes y/n is wearing there isn’t much time to waffle around so he gets right to the point.

“I acciedntly posted a photo of us together, while trying to post a picture of Joshua.” opposed to the last time when he told Jeonghan the words don’t come asily this time the come out as a forced breath and they make the air in the room feel like it has gotten so much colder.

“Is this some kind of joke?” he flinches at y/n’s harsh tone and looks up at him wide eyed, “If it’s a joke it isn’t very funny.”

Jeonghan shakes his head taking a step towards y/n, “It isn’t a joke, it was an accident and I took it down really quickly, and I came to tell you because I was scared if someone saved it they would start spreading it around.”

y/n scoffs, “An accident? Jeonghan you are probably going to end both of our careers, that isn’t a fucking accident.”

Jeonghan looks up at y/n with tears in his eyes, “I know, I know, but it really was an accident, you’re talking as if I did it on purpose but I didn’t.”

“It doesn’t matter if it was an accident or not, it was stupid, you should have been more careful.” y/n is glaring at him so intensely Jeonghan feels like there is laser coming out of the others eye and burning a hole into his head.

“But I took it down and nothing seems to have reappeared about it yet, maybe no one saw it, or they didn’t recognize you, please don’t be angry.” Jeonghan can feel the tears in his eyes threatening to spill over.

y/n just sighs rubbing at his forehead, “I don’t have time for this, I have to go for a radio show right now, so lets hope nothing pops up online.” He turns to look at Jeonghan his eyes still cold.

“We’ll figure this out later, you can wait here if you want.” y/n walks past Jeonghan and grabs his bag, slipping on his shoes, Jeonghan stands in his place and watches the older leave without so much as a second glance his way.

When he hears the front door close he lets go of his tears and sobs silently into his hands, worse than losing his career he might lose his boyfriend over this mistake, he thinks again that it isn’t fair, he shouldn’t have to be so scared about having a boyfriend.

When he feels like he has no more tears to cry he slips of his coat and deposits it on the coach moving to y/n’s room, he grabs on of the others hoodies and slips it over his head snuggling into the smell.

He curls up on the couch and prays that when y/n gets back he’ll be less angry and more understanding about the situation.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 37

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: idk how i feel about this chapter. but hey i always doubt myself so whats new? its a bit packed maybe? lol thank you if you still read this story ILY! also i REALLY want more requests so send as many as you want!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : read the chapter first, the requests are at the bottom because they contain spoilers!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 37 : His chapter

NIALL

April 11th, 2018

We had decided to fly to Paris as soon as Olivia got her weeks off. The filming was going better than planned and she was allowed to take a few more days than we had expected. I only had one show in Paris and the very next day, I had to be in Germany but I knew she'd prefer to stay in France with her parents for a while. We hadn't discussed when she would join me but I still hoped it wouldn't take too long.

The flight was long and I had brought only the strict minimum, leaving the rest to my crew after asking them to bring everything. I would join them there and I hoped Liv would come with me to my show. I had even kept a few tickets for her parents if they were interested but I had to admit it was making me nervous to see them after so long.

I turned to look at her around the middle of the flight and she probably noticed because she turned her head my way and sent me a small smile. I reached out for her hand and she let me take it, even squeezing my fingers as her head leaned on my shoulder. I knew she was tired and I was surprised she wasn't sleeping by now even if it was a pain in the ass to sleep on a plane.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked in a low tone, the left corner of her lips raising up as her eyes scanned me. "Do I have something on my face?"

"No."

Her lips curled more and her eyebrows raised. "Okay, what's up then?"

"You're pretty." I just replied, half-closing my eyes and sending her a fond smile. "I sort of want you right now."

Her eyes moved around quickly before meeting mine again. "I think people would notice.” She chuckled and I smiled more, moving closer to be able to whisper.

"How about I join you in the bathroom in a few minutes?" I asked before moving slightly away and sending her a small smirk.

My eyes dropped to her lips and she licked them, making me groan low. She was not answering but I couldn't take my eyes off her lips. Just thinking about where they've been and realizing it had been way too long since I had felt them around my cock. Of course, I didn't expect a blowjob on a plane, if only because the bathrooms were always very tiny, but I could definitely fuck her quick and fast.

"Did you ever do that before?" she asked low, taking me out of my daydream. I looked up in her eyes and shook my head, making her raise her eyebrows. "Liar."

I chuckled. "I promise. I never did." I insisted. "But I'd love it if it changed today."

She looked around nervously again and finally nodded. "Okay. You cough and then knock once. I'll unlock the door."

Quickly, she got up and walked past me and I let my eyes follow her until she was out of sight. I waited a few minutes, shaking my leg slightly and when I finally got up too, I walked slowly to the bathroom and coughed before knocking once. I saw the notice on the door changing and quickly walked in, closing the door and locking it. It was hard not to be pressed on each other in the small room but we still had some space between us. She remained motionless, her head tilted and her lips pressed together as she smiled at me. I could see excitement in her eyes and I loved it.

"You know we could actually get banned from this airline if we get caught." she whispered, making me smile more.

"Let's not get caught then." I just pointed out as she nodded.

Her hands slipped under my shirt and I felt her fingers rub on my chest and brush on my nipples before moving back down and reaching my pants. She unzipped them quickly and searched for my dick before taking it out. I thought she'd be stressed and a bit scared and that I'd have to do everything but clearly, she had decided otherwise and I liked it. There was something very hot about her deciding to be more forward when it came to sex. I normally preferred to have control but when she would get horny and almost jump on me, it always made me want her even more.

"I didn't think it would be like that." she murmured, staring in my eyes, as her hand stroked my cock slowly, from the base to the tip.

"What do you mean?" I asked just as low, realizing it was tough to focus on her words instead of her hand, or the way her lips moved when she talked.

"I didn't think we'd always be so horny for each other. It's not like it's new."

My lips curled and I shrugged. "It sort of is." I just replied, bending down to reach her lips with mine. "Don't stop, use both hands."

She smiled against my lips and I felt her other hand push on my pants and boxers a bit before she grabbed my balls. I groaned low against her mouth before both her hands handed on my dick, pressing around it as she jerked me off a bit quicker. I could feel my cock get harder with every stroke and even if I didn't want her to stop, I knew we had to do quick.

"Move those damn sweatpants down, petal." I whispered against her lips again, making her chuckle.

"I know I should have dressed up but honestly, I hate being uncomfortable on a plane." she explained before grabbing my upper lip between hers and sucking on it gently. "At least they're easy to take off?"

I smiled more and chuckled, shaking my head slightly. "Sweatpants look good on you." I admitted. "And yes, they're easy to take off." I just added, pulling her sweatpants down and making her smile more. "Show me your tits."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes before moving her shirt off. I groaned when I realized she was not wearing a bra and my hands reached for her breasts as I ran my thumbs on her nipples, feeling them get hard against my fingers.

"These damn bathrooms aren't made for people like me." she grimaced, leaning against the wall behind her. "They should make them bigger."

"But I love having you close to me." I argued, raising my eyebrows with a small smile before making a quick head movement.

She nibbled on her bottom lip but moved one of her feet on the toilet and quickly, I reached between her legs, groaning when I slipped a finger inside her.

"How are you so wet already?"

"I touched myself while waiting for you." she admitted as my head moved up fast to meet her eyes. 

She smiled and chuckled at my facial expression and I just shook my head before crashing my mouth against hers. I started finger fucking her and rubbing her clit gently but she just squirmed and I just brought my hand to my cock, stroking it with her wetness before moving closer, putting it against her thigh. I brought her other leg back down and she moved a bit again as I pulled back slightly and then pushed myself close to her again. I could feel her thighs press on each side of my dick and her warm pussy wetting the top of it and it was driving me insane. I moved back and forth for about a minute as let her fingers grip my hair and she smiled as her eyes roamed on my face.

"I want to feel you inside me so bad." she whispered, making me smile, too.

I grabbed one of her legs quickly, moving it up, and used my other hand to hold my cock as I pushed it slowly against her walls. Her hands gripped my hair tighter as I slid inside her and I saw her eyes flutter close and her lips part. I remained still for a while as I panted, feeling her throb around my dick and knowing it could literally make me cum in only a few seconds.

"No cunt like yours, I fucking swear." I breathed out with a groan.

I closed my eyes and felt her lips brush against mine before I started fucking her, bringing my thumb to her clit, rubbing it in motion with my thrusts. It took her about two minutes to moan louder against my mouth and I kissed her deeply as she shook against me. I waited until her body relaxed and moved slightly away, sending her a smirk. I grabbed my cock as it slipped out of her and she blinked a few times.

"Move your panties up."

Her eyes got bigger and she licked her lips as I jerked myself, my eyes still looking into hers. Quickly, she grabbed her panties and moved them up but held the top to allow me to see her pussy. I brought my hand to her face and moved a lock of her hair behind her ear as I shook my head slightly.

"Holy-, you turn me on so much."

I let my fingertips brush against her cheek, my movements on my dick faltering, and I felt her hand wrap on half of mine and my cock. She started stroking me harder in motion with my own movements and it took only a few seconds for me to feel an orgasm reach me. It was the way her fingers pressed against mine and the way she bit her bottom lip, looking at me through her eyelashes as if she still wanted me even if she had already came. She let go of me and I looked down, aiming at her panties. My cum fell on her pussy and in her panties as I stared at it. I watched my semen slide down her pussy to fall in her panties and let out a low curse word. That was a fucking nice way to own her.

Her hand reached for my cock and she kept nibbling on her bottom lip as she pressed her fingers around it until the tip to milk me and make sure she didn't miss a drop. The lock of her hair had fallen back in front of her eyes and I desperately wanted to kiss her more.

"Fuck, pet, move your panties up, now."

I didn't have to ask her twice. I could see dark spots on her panties and I knew that was exactly were my cum was. She brought her hand over them and rubbed herself a few times, letting out a whimper. She pressed her lips together to stop herself from being louder and when I saw her move her sweatpants up, I put my cock back in my pants and stared at her for a few seconds.

"I'm getting out first." she whispered and we switched place and she just opened the door and looked around for a second before leaving quickly.

I remained standing there for about a minute, motionless and a bit in shock of what had just happened and when I finally sat back next to her, she cuddled me as best as she could and reached for my hand. She moved her face and kissed my jaw as I squeezed her hand tight.

"That was hot." she whispered as I turned my head to look down at her. "I can't stop thinking about your cum in my panties."

Her words made my body throb and I brought my lips to hers, kissing them gently.

"Welcome to the mile high club." I murmured with a smile. "I'm glad we joined it together."

                                                       ---

April 16th, 2018

Living at her parents' wasn't worse than living at my mom's, although I had to admit that I would rather be alone with her, simply because I knew we didn't have much time left together 24/7. I couldn't deny though that seeing her talking french and laughing with her parents made me smile. I knew she didn't see them much, just like I barely saw mine, and being there with them made her happy, which was pretty much all I cared about.

Before we got there, I was wondering what she'd tell her parents. Now that our friends knew and my mom did too (knowing her, she had probably told my dad and my brother by now), I was unsure if she wanted to tell her parents that we were together or not but she had surprised me by taking my hand in hers and kissing my lips gently from time to time. Of course, they had seen me a few weeks before when she had talked to them on skype and we had interacted, but I was not really sure what she had told them before I got back home and I was pretty sure I remembered her mom telling her something in french. That being said, it was not my place to decide and I just went along with what she said and did. Knowing she was not hiding us to them was a big step though, I believed, and the fact that we were more and more open with the people around us gave me hope that we would be official soon.

I loved the way she moved around their house like she was used to be there even if she barely visited. I loved the way her eyes scanned everywhere she could whenever we'd go outside, whether it was grocery shopping or just to take a walk. I loved the way she'd close her eyes and inhale deeply, as if this city was hers and she had missed it. I know she lived a few years here before she moved to Ireland, but how much could a 6 years old remember a city or even a country?

It took me a few days to think about it and watch her being so free, happy and in love but on the sunny afternoon of april 16th, I told her I wanted to get some pastries and left after borrowing her father's car. I was starting to be used to the town, even if Olivia's parents lived in a suburb (or 'arrondissement'), but I drove until the city to get what I needed. I had checked online and I could have easily ordered it, but I wanted to see it first and make sure everything was perfect.

The jewelry store was big but seemed quite empty. The walls were a pure shade of white and the classical music playing was soft enough to be soothing. I knew what I wanted and it took me half an hour to get everything in order but I literally stared at the ring in silence for half that time. It was a big move, I knew it, and I didn't necessarily wanted to make this official, or a big deal. I just wanted it to be a sign of commitment and love, nothing more. No pressure and no promise, except for the one to love her forever, no matter what. I had hesitated and at first, I had thought a necklace would be more appropriate. A small golden heart or something like that could have made the trick, and I knew it would make her happy, but at the same time, it would have seemed like I didn't really want to throw myself in this relationship. It would seem like I just wanted to test the water first, and honestly, that's not what I had in mind. We had a few random discussions about marriage and every time I mentioned it, she didn't seem scared, and didn't try to change the subject. Perhaps I got the wrong vibe, but at the same time, I felt like I could read her like an open book. I felt like I knew her better now than I did back then, even if we had spent over a year apart.

Yes, it was probably crazy to buy a promise ring for a girl I had broken the heart of over a year ago, and expecting her to just say yes and jump in my arms, but after the pregnancy scare we had had a few days before, I felt like this was the right thing to do. It was crazy how seeing only one bar on the test had made me sad and relieved at the same time. I was not ready for a baby, but I wanted a family with her. I wanted to marry her and give ever everything she ever wanted or would ever want. Perhaps I would have ended up in a jewelry store if she had been pregnant, too, but it would have seemed forced, and I didn't want her to believe that I wanted to marry her just because I didn't have any other choice. In fact, we both had many choices, but it was this one I made, and I was going to stick to it.

I thanked the seller and put the box in the pocket of my vest before leaving. On my way back, I stopped at a cafe to get pasties and coffee and when I heard my name, I felt my heart jump in my chest.

"Niall?"

A british accent didn't go unnoticed and I frowned, looking around myself until I saw a familiar face that I hadn't seen in two years or so.

"Maya?"

I smiled and raised my eyebrows, walking to her and kissing her cheeks. She was stunning and her smile was so big it made mine grow too.

"It's been so long, how have you been?" I asked, pushing my hands in my pockets. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, a photoshoot, but it's my day off." she explained, tilting her head on the side before moving her shoulders up. "What about you?"

"I'm uhm, visiting." I said, a bit uncomfortable and not knowing what I could say or not. I sighed and just shook my head. "I'm with Olivia. We're visiting her parents."

Maya nodded, not losing her smile, and she licked her lips. "Yea I saw you two dated and then broke up. Are you two together again?" I stared at her in silence for a few seconds and she nodded again. "You must really love her, huh?"

This time, I sent her a fond smile and glanced down at the floor before looking up and breathing in. "Yes." I confessed with a nod before Maya took a step closer, putting her hand gently on my upper arm.

"I hope it works, then." she told me sincerely. "And invite me to the wedding!"

I frowned and chuckled, feeling my heartbeats accelerate. The last thing I needed was for that information to leak and I started wondering how the hell she found out when she just shrugged.

"I mean, whenever that happens. You two will get married at some point, right?"

I felt all the stress leave and my body relaxed just as my lips curled again. "Yes, of course." I just let out. "I mean, probably, I guess."

Maya laughed and it made me chuckle too. "Go back to her, I'm sure she misses you already."

I raised my eyebrows and chuckled, knowing she was probably right and after we said goodbye, I ordered, got my food and left. It was not surprising to me that Olivia's face seemed to illuminate when I walked back inside and she ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck as both my hands were taken by coffees and a box of croissants. She kissed my lips and I closed my eyes, answering the small kiss gently, knowing that her parents were most likely watching us.

After we ate, I wanted to help with the dishes but they wouldn't let me and I joined her father in one of the rooms in the back. He was looking for something in the drawers and I just put my hands in my pockets. I knew he had noticed me, but I was not sure if I should talk, or what I should say. He used to really love me, and I was wondering if it was still the case, or if he disliked me, now.

"You two are back together." her father told me with the biggest accent before I nodded. "Good. You were always my favorite. Don't tell her."

I laughed and shook my head as he glanced at me and sent me an amused smile. "Thank you. I've hurt her though, I'll never forgive myself for that."

"Use that feeling to remember that you can't hurt her ever again." he added, grabbing something in the last drawer and moving back up. "Or I'm gonna have to hate you. Father's duty."

I nodded and smiled. "I promise." my smile fell and I cleared my throat, playing and twisting the fabric inside my pockets. "What would you say if..." I stopped myself and licked my lips. He turned to me and at the point, I had all his attention. "What would you say if I asked her to marry me?"

He stared at me a few seconds and sighed, turning his whole body my way and he took a step closer. He was tall, way taller than me, and his light eyes reminded me of hers, but unlike Olivia, he had severe traits. He had broad shoulders and although he had salt and pepper hair, he didn't look his age. I've always thought he was a funny man, but I knew he was strict, too, and when I was younger, I used to think he was a bit scary, but not anymore. Her mother was very different. She was short with a round face, pretty much like hers, and when I thought about it, they were very look alike. Both her parents were smiling all the time, though, and they were always welcoming, that much I could never forget.

"Is it serious?"

My eyes roamed on his face and I sighed, my hands still in my pockets, before I finally nodded. Instead to answer, he just handed me an envelop and it made me frown.

"This is hers. This is all the letters she wrote to you when you went on tour." he explained as my grip tightened on the paper. "It's hers, and I don't think she ever intended on giving them to you, and I found them in the garbage bin one day and decided to keep them. You should give them back to her. I want to say you should read them but I'm really against invasion of privacy. I didn't read them either."

"Does that mean you would be okay with us getting married?" I asked with a frown, feeling the envelop burning my palm.

"It means that as long as she's happy, then so am I." he just said. "It also means that you shouldn't ask me if I'm okay with it. If she finds out, she'll kill you."

I laughed and nodded. "I can count on you for keeping this secret?"

"Of course, son." he let out, putting his hand on my shoulder and making me chuckle low at the nickname.

"Son-in-law."

It was his turn to laugh and when we heard my name being called from the kitchen, we both looked in that direction and I shrugged, sending him a small smile before going to join Liv. She was staring at her phone and she grimaced, looking up in my eyes.

"I don't know how bad it is but," she shrugged and handed me her phone. "You tell me. You're the famous one."

I chucked but grabbed her phone to read as the title popped up in caps. 'Together again?' With the article, there was a picture of me at the airport and they mentioned my earring before adding a picture of Olivia who was now wearing only one earring, identical to mine. Of course it made sense since she was the one who gave it to me but was this really a proof of anything? At the bottom, there was a picture of us together at the fair and I smiled a bit when I saw she was holding the bear I had won for her and they had used it as an other proof that we could be dating again. This article didn't mean shit but I couldn't say they were wrong. Something was in fact happening between us.

"Do you want me to take off your earring?" I asked, looking up at her.

"No! God no, they can fuck right off with their stupid article!" she quickly let out, making an amused smile appear on my lips. "Does what they wrote bother you?"

"Does it bother you?" I threw the question back at her, raising my eyebrows.

She looked down at her phone and nibbled on her bottom lip for a few seconds before shrugging. "Yes because that's none of their business. But not because people may know we're together."

"We're good, then." I just shrugged, taking a step closer and wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her closer. "They're just running out of things to write about, so they have to write crappy articles like that. The good thing is, that picture of you is very nice."

She grimaced and I laugh. "It's horrible. They always snap those when I look at my worst."

"Lies." I whispered, bending down slightly to kiss her lips. "By the way, I kept a few tickets for my show, for you and your parents. You'll be there, right?"

She shrugged a shoulder and stared in my eyes. "I don't know, won't it just fuel the rumors?"

My eyes roamed on her face and I leaned my forehead against hers before whispering.

"I don't give a fuck."

REQUESTS

(for the first one, i promise theyll talk about it soon!)

[whump-tr0pes]

Honor bound masterlist

Honor bound: published, available on Amazon here

Delirium, unconscious, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, pneumonia, grabbed by the hair, cradling someone in their arms, blindfolded, you can scream all you want, kind restraints, parting words regret, hand gagging, slammed into a wall, mercy killing, hostage video, part 24, no-holds-barred beatdown, reopening an old wound, dissociation, forced to hurt someone, human shield, I will only slow you down, passing out from pain, this is for your own good, doesn’t realize they’ve been injured, secret caretaking, claustrophobia, left for dead, attempted rape, part 38, part 39, part 40, part 41, came back wrong, accidentally hurt by friend, knife to the throat, part 45, part 46, tortured for information, part 48, cry into chest, part 50, part 51, #bonuscontent, childhood trauma, clawing at own throat, backhand slap, take me instead, anger born of worry, mind games, go through me, lifted by the neck, biting, bounty on their head, it’s all my fault

Honor Bound 2:

Part 1, part 2, Gray’s alternate (bad) ending, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, cold-blooded torture, disowned by family, part 11, pinned to the wall, will not be a victim, flashbacks, part 15, part 16, manhandling, forced to kneel, betrayal, part 20, public humiliation, caning, Ryan Reveal part 1, Ryan Reveal part 2 (also Vera part 26), part 25, part 26, part 27, part 28, part 29, part 30, part 31, part 32, part 33, part 34, part 35, part 36, brainwashing, part 38, part 39, part 40, The Dream, part 42, part 43, part 44, part 45, part 46, part 47, part 48, hostage situation, hurt protecting someone else, drowning, part 52, part 53, part 54, branding, I have your loved one, shock collar, stress position, part 59, part 60, part 61, part 62, part 63, conditioning, big brother instinct

Vera series: (prequel)

Handcuffed/manacled, kick them while they are down, whipping, captivity, part 5, rape/noncon, part 7, part 8, recorded/broadcast torture, forced to beg, sadistic choice, leave me alone, part 13, choking, dehumanization, part 16, part 17, part 18, part 19, part 20, part 21, part 22, part 23, part 24, part 25, Ryan Reveal part 2, part 27, part 28, part 29, part 30, part 31, touch starved, part 33, part 34, part 35, part 36, part 37

Ash/Athena Crossover AU

Crossover with @ashintheairlikesnow‘s Daniel Michaelson story!

Safe passage, meeting Danny, room assignments, whiskey and nightmares, Ryan’s morning coffee, safe, secret, a walk in the woods part 1, a walk in the woods part 2, the last night, enter corrine, trust, the branding, unwrapping, party, rescue, unmarked, reunion, epilogue

Fillis angst crossover

Finn/Patrick spice

Fillis angst crossover epilogue

AO3

Story is set in an AU where crime syndicates essentially run things, and it’s up to everyone else to either stay out of the way, or do what they can to stop them.

Character bios under the cut

When the story begins...

Isaac, 27: the protector of the team. He’s been tasked with keeping them all safe, but he tasks himself with so much more. He’s been fighting the crime syndicates since he was a teen. He’s brave, protective, and would do anything for the team’s youngest member, Sam.

Sam, 19: the youngest and newest member of the team. They are Isaac’s little sibling in every way but blood. When they were captured by Gavin and tortured to the point of delirium, the team risked everything to get them out. They’re sweet, devoted, and loved. They didn’t want this life, but that choice was taken away when they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Now they’re part of the ragtag team, learning how to survive.

Gavin, 24: the son of the Stormbeck crime syndicate. He prefers torturing people to attending meetings and often uses his pull just to amuse himself. He’s always wanted to find someone he can’t break, someone he can hurt who can take it. He’s chronically bored and just wants to spice life up a bit. Maybe Isaac is the hero he’s been looking for.

Vera, 36: there isn’t anything Vera learns that she doesn’t become good at. Over her life she’s picked up every random skill she can get her hands on, be it flying a helicopter, hotwiring a car, or dancing the tango. She helps the team now using the skills she picked up as a cop and on the run, getting them out of tight spots with her quick thinking and improvisation. She knows the cruelty of the syndicates better than most.

Gray, 52: Gray is the heart and leader of the team. Empathetic, caring, and sensitive, they see the places their team needs support the most. They are always ready and willing to put someone else first. They are the only one that still remembers how the world was before the syndicates, and they’ve spent their whole life trying to fix things one way or another. Damned if the team isn’t all their kids. 

Finn, 28: they have the unfortunate gift of having training as a combat medic. It’s unfortunate, they say, because that guarantees they’ll always be farthest from danger, waiting to patch up the team whenever they get hurt. They want nothing more but to be in the thick of the action. Their gift is their curse.

Ellis, 34: Finn’s partner. They have no family left but the team. When their family was gunned down by Gavin’s family, they vowed to do whatever they had to in order to bring the syndicates to justice. They hide their pain under a mask of sarcasm and snark but will fight you if you threaten their team. They don’t cope in healthy ways behind closed doors. They get very soft around their team, and are an absolute sap around Finn.

Tori, 33: Tori was involved in the resistance movements with Gray years ago. Now she runs a safehouse, helping out victims of the syndicates and trying to keep innocent people safe. She has no time or tolerance for nonsense from the people she takes into her care. She enjoys her quiet life under the radar. When she answers Gray’s call and lets the team into her protection, she has no idea what they bring to her doorstep…good, and bad.

Joseph, 52 (at the time of Honor Bound): Fourteen years before the start of Honor Bound, Vera was assigned to infiltrate Joseph’s syndicate. As the head of his family, he didn’t take kindly to the police snooping around his business. Rather than kill Vera outright, he decided to capture her and torment her for months. Suave, patient, and wildly sadistic, he became the subject of her nightmares when she’s asleep, and awake.

Ryan, 24 (at the time of the Vera series): Fourteen years before the start of Honor Bound, Ryan joined the Stormbeck syndicate for safety, purpose, and most importantly, a job. When he was assigned night shift guard duty for Vera, he figured it was going to be an easy paycheck, babysitting an easy captive. He had no way of knowing the consequences of that assignment.

Colleen, 49 (at the time of Honor Bound 2): Colleen lived as one of the top syndicate members, in control of one of the biggest regions in the shattered country. She loved her husband and her son more than anything else in the world. When her husband is taken from her and her son nearly dies (again) at Vera’s hand, she decides to exercise her divine right as a Stormbeck to set the world right again: by hunting down and destroying Isaac and his team. She would do anything to maintain her family’s status and power, and there’s no one she wouldn’t cut down who got in her way.

Cast faceclaims/fancasts here, here, here

Honor Bound playlist here

Isaac moodboard

Finn/Ellis moodboard

Vera moodboard

Gavin moodboard

Sam/Isaac/Gavin moodboard by @orchidscript

Isaac/Gavin moodboard

Moodboards by @newandfiguringitout:

Gavin and Isaac captivity, Isaac, Sam, Gavin, Ellis, Vera, Isaac and Sam, Isaac/Gavin

@untilthepainstarts, @womping-grounds, @blue-flare10, @free-2bmee, @quirkykayleetam, @walkingchemicalfire, @inpainandsuffering, @redwingedwhump, @burtlederp, @castielamigos-whump-side-blog, @insomniacscoprio, @cursedscribbles, @whumpywhumper, @stxck-fxck, @omega-em-z-02, @whumps-the-word, @justwhumpitwhumpitgood, @justplainwhump, @moose-teeth, @slaintetowhump, @finder-of-rings, @grimwhumper, @inky-whump, @thatsthewhump, @im-only-here-for-the-whump, @orchidscript, @insanitywishes, @this-mightaswell-happen, @newandfiguringitout, @whumpkitty

[inactiive-shit]

Masterlist

UPDATED: 7/3/2020

I have decided to collect and link all my shit together because it is hard to find sometimes and honestly, I just thought it would be fun. Here are all my stories (at this point, they are all Sanders Sides fanfiction):

1. A Hero’s Death - Virgil always wanted to be a hero. And now he is. But it's not quite like anybody imagined it. (warnings: death, violence, no comfort//genre: angst/whump?//pairing: LAMP, some qpp some romantic) Read on AO3

2. Reasons To Live - Virgil just wants to walk home and agonize over his upcoming test, but a man he’s never seen before asks him a question, and somehow it all ends up okay. (warnings: none//genre: this was once described as cold fluff, which is possibly my favorite thing I’ve ever been told//pairing: platonic Analogical) Read on AO3

3. Don’t Stop If I Fall - When Virgil makes a promise, he means it. Furthermore, he always fulfills it. Even if it’s not quite in the way Patton was hoping. (warnings: death, unspecified creatures, unhappy end//genre: angst//pairing: platonic LAMP) Read on AO3

4. But Grow If I Can’t - Sequel to “Don’t Stop If I Fall” (warnings: same as previous installment) Read on AO3

5. Blood In My Mouth - A win brings him a friend, a loss brings him a friend, and an illegal fighting group can bring. . .love? (warnings: violence//genre: ???//pairing: platonic Moxiety, Prinxiety, romantic Analogical) Read on AO3

6. We’re Not What We’ve Seen - Nothing is guaranteed in war, and Patton knows this better than most. That doesn’t stop him from believing they’ll make it through mostly unscathed. (warnings: violence, war, despair//genre: hurt-comfort?//pairing: platonic LAMP) Read on AO3

7. I’ve Been Sane Too Long - Finals are a hard time - especially for someone like Logan, who has always done well and now has to. Failing means he’s worthless. . .doesn’t it? (warnings: stress//genre: hurt-comfort probably//pairing: platonic Logince) Read on AO3

8. (Bury Me In) All My Favorite Colors - Logan’s favorite color used to be dark blue, but now it’s a little more complicated than that. (warnings: death, no comfort//genre: angst//pairing: romantic LAMP) Read on AO3

9. You Watch It Fall - Roman’s been around for a very long time. He’s seen and done a lot of stuff. Some of it can get pretty old. (warnings: violence, some comfort//pairing: romantic Prinxiety) Read on AO3

10. Desperate Times, More Desperate Measures - When their powers manifested, Virgil’s three older brothers wanted to be just like their Dads and fight crime. Virgil had never been so inclined. Now, however, they never come to family dinners because they’re always busy. Virgil takes matters, and maybe the law, into his own hands. (warnings: I don’t think there’s any unless you count annoying your siblings//genre: It’s pretty funny//pairing: familial LAMP) Read on AO3

11. Night Is For Sleeping - Or Making Friends - All Dee wanted was a nice night in, sleeping. When the Prince of Chaos shows up in need of help, Dee’s night goes down the drain along with whatever sleep schedule he may have had. (warnings: blood, near death experience//genre: hurt-comfort//pairing: platonic Roceit, romantic Moceit) Read on AO3

12. Dedicated To The Kids - Virgil’s never known anything but his grueling schedule. Now, he’s tasted freedom. He won’t give it up. (warnings: implied abuse, running away//pairing: none) Read on AO3

13. All The Lighters Looking Just Like Stars - It’s about Roman being in a band (warnings: none) Read on AO3

14. False Hope - All Virgil wants to do is go home, to leave all this pain behind him. Nothing’s ever been that easy, though. He doesn’t think it ever will be. (warnings: whump, pain, confusion, unclear ending//genre: whump//pairing: romantic Analoceit, familial Prinxiety, platonic Moxiety) Read on AO3

15. Memes Make For Serious Business - This is based off a textpost. It’s really just funny and fluffy. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic Analoceit) Read on AO3

16. Memes, Pt. 2 - Sequel to “Memes Make For Serious Business” (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic Analoceit, platonic Roman/Patton/Virgil)

17. Leaf You Happy - Roman and Remus have a tradition they’ve enacted every year since they were kids. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: FAMILIAL Creativitwins) Read on AO3

18. Pumpkins - Logan's favorite treat comes around exactly once a year, and it comes with all of its own rituals and traditions. Those rituals and traditions have changed over the years; that just makes it that much more special. (warnings: mention of a knife for pumpkin carving//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic Analogical, familial DLAMPR) Read on AO3

19. Supernova - Virgil was looking forward to a full night of horror movies and candy. Unfortunately, his Dad gets sick last minute, so there's only one person left who can take Roman trick-or-treating. But, hey, there's probably something aside from candy in it for Virgil as well. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic Analogical, sibling Prinxiety, sibling Logicality) Read on AO3

20. Live A Little - Logan only gets one day out of the year. He has to make it last. (warnings: death, implied murder, blood, ghost//genre: ???//pairing: platonic LAMP) Read on AO3

21. In Perpetuum - They say the house is haunted. Shadows where there can't be, sounds there shouldn't be, music when nobody's lived there for over a decade. They say there was a murder there. But what really happened? (warnings: death, mental illness, it do be happy ending//genre: I’d call it fluff, but it’s whatever you call trying to write a ghost story and coming up with a love story instead//pairing: romantic DLAMP) Read on AO3

22. Friends In Scary Places - One thing Patton loves are haunted houses. (warnings: general haunted house stuff, gore for actors’ costumes, scares//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic Moxiety, Intrulogical, Roceit, platonic DLAMPR) Read on AO3

23. Skeptical Belief - Logan has always believed in ghosts, despite the facts that his life has been totally free of the paranormal and he's a very skeptical person. The crux of the issue, then, is that he must find his own proof. Easy enough. (warnings: there is a demon-like thing//genre: it’s sort of fluff but not really? Unsure//pairing: platonic Analogical focus) Read on AO3

24. A Promise Never Broken - When the waters rise, Dee will always be there. (warnings: depression//genre: hurt-comfort, maybe? Idk, man//pairing: ambiguous Moceit) Read on AO3

25. Scary Movie, Safe Arms - Roman hates scary movies. He always has. He definitely does not want to watch one, not even for Virgil. Well...maybe he'll try for Virgil. (warnings: scary movie//genre: fluff//pairing: platonic Prinxiety, platonic LAMP) Read on AO3

26. The Dragon Witch of Heart’s Hospital - Dee is the Great and Terrible Dragon Witch. He can often be seen battling with young Prince Roman and his good friend Mage Logan. Recently, though, the Kingdom has gotten a few new residents. (warnings: setting is a hospital//genre: fluff//pairing: platonic DLAMP) Read on AO3

27. Jack And Sally Started At Taco Bell - Romantic Anxceit and their absolutely trash goblin dynamic. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic Anxceit) Read on AO3

28. Monster - Virgil is clairvoyant - a psychic, medium, gifted, has The Sight, whatever. No matter what you call it, it sucks. Even a hang over would be better than this. It might not be all bad, though. Things could be looking up. Maybe. If Virgil can stop puking long enough to look up. (warnings: puke//genre: hurt-comfort I think//pairing: pre-romantic Anxceitmus) Read on AO3

29. Masquerade - Dee is the Prince Consort to Prince Remus. They've been dating another man for quite a while now and they believe it's time the rest of the kingdom - and the King, Remus's brother Roman - finally learn about their newest partner. In the most spectacular fashion possible, of course. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic Anxceitmus) Read on AO3

30. First Snow - Virgil’s from southern Florida and he’s never been to a hell-state quite like this one before. Of course he’s never seen snow! (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairings: platonic lamp) Read on AO3

31. The Shoulder - Virgil gets hurt and the last thing he wants to do is be vulnerable withe people. Unfortunately for him, there are a few people he might like to be able to be vulnerable with. (warnings: fight mentioned, dislocated shoulder, anxious thoughts//genre: hurt/comfort//pairing: platonic dlamp) Read on AO3

32. When The Violence Causes Silence - Virgil has to train the New Recruits.And he is just ecstatic about it. /s (warnings: zombies, fighting, near death experiences//genre: apocalypse//pairing: platonic moxiety) Read on AO3

33. Life As A Sanders - Through the years of Virgil and Logan getting adopted by their Dad, Patton, and some of their major milestones in life. 12 Parts. (warnings: some fights, I’ll add more as they appear//genre: fluff?//pairing: familial dlamp) Read on AO3

34. Old Flame - Roman had a high school sweetheart. He hasn't seen him in over ten years and for all he knows the man could be dead.Then he shows up unexpectedly, and it turns out to be something both of them needed. (warnings: past toxic relationship, past drug abuse//pairing: platonic prinxiety) Read on AO3

35. Icarus - Roman loves to fly high, but Logan fears that one day he may go too high. (warnings: none//pairing: romantic logince) Read on AO3

36. Leaving To Be Happy - Roman and Remus are rather well off, rich sons of a well-known business man. Roman is expected to marry well and one day, surely, Remus will finally settle down himself. There's just one problem: Roman might as much disdain for this plan as his brother. (warnings: mentioned homophobia, forced heteronormative garbage//parings: familial creativitwins) Read on AO3

37. I Don’t Have A Name For It - Logan does not know what to call the feelings that Patton makes him experience. Luckily, it's an easily-solved problem. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic logicality) Read on AO3

38. Of Love And Knives -  It’s Valentine’s Day, and Remus had a plan. It’s just…a work a in progress. (warnings: lots of sexual language/references//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic dukexiety) Read on AO3

39. Quiet Lies -  Dee gets a little bruised up. Luckily, it’s not anything a couple of horror movies can’t fix. (warnings: mentions of violence//genre: hurt/comfort, i guess//pairings: platonic anxceit) Read on AO3

40. Burning -  Virgil needs a goddamn hug. (warnings: touch starvation//genre: hurt/comfort//pairing: platonic dukexiety) Read on AO3

41. Warmth -  Logan can’t sleep, but his roommate is very helpful. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: platonic/ambiguous loceit) Read on AO3

42. Ice Cream And Staying Up - Patton gets home from work late, and he’s fine, but Virgil was scared about what might have kept him. (warnings: mention of puke//genre: hurt/comfort//pairing: qpp moxiety) Read on AO3

43. Knight And Mage - Roman gets wounded in battle. It's fatal. Or...under other circumstances, it would be. (warnings: near death, battle//genre: hurt/comfort//pairing: romantic logince) Read on AO3

44. Snake-umentary - Virgil has had a stressful day. (warnings: mention of crash, accidental misgendering, panic attack, dissociation//pairing: romantic anxceit) Read on AO3

45. Water Bottle - Remus hyper-focuses so hard that he forgets to do basic things, like eat. (warnings: accidental dehydration//pairing: romantic anxceitmus) Read on AO3

46. Nasty - Virgil likes ice cream and Remus doesn’t like clothes. (warnings:  nonsexual nudity, mentions of quarantine and shitty jobs//genre: fluff//pairing: platonic dukexiety) Read on AO3

47. Peachy Fuzz - Remus really needs to get better at cards so that this doesn’t happen so often. (warnings: blood, fight, theoretical mention of murder//genre: hurt/comfort ig//pairing: romantic dukexiety) Read on AO3

48. Empty - Patton feels empty. (warnings: depression//pairing: platonic royality) Read on AO3

49. Thunder -  Dee doesn’t like thunder, and his boyfriend does, in fact, know that. (warnings: referenced sex, none included//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic anxceit) Read on AO3

50. Self Care - Roman fights crime because he has to. Because if he doesn’t, who will? All Patton’s asking is, who’s looking out for Roman? (warnings: none//genre: hurt/comfort//pairing: platonic royality) Read on AO3

51. Gift - Patton gives his boyfriends a heartfelt gift. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic lamp) Read on AO3

52. Jacket or Blanket? - JD, Virgil, and Remus go to the roof to look at stars. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: ambiguous anxceitmus) Read on AO3

53. I Love You - Logan is very much in love. Figuring out the appropriate time to say this is, somehow, the hardest part of the process. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: romantic analogical) Read on AO3

54. Medusa - Remus really just wanted a bite to eat. He hadn't been expecting to find a living myth. (warnings: vampire, monching//pairing: pre-romantic dukeceit) Read on AO3

55. Drifter - Virgil has been on a lot of ships in his life; he’s more of a drifter than a pirate. But this one? It’s something different. (warnings: none//pairing: platonic moxiety) Read on AO3

56. Electricity - Remus is like the clock that still has cogs. He does work. It is just a different kind of working than others are used to. Sometimes, he must be wound, sometimes his gears malfunction and he must be reset. Sometimes people ignore his face for the ones printed in pretty, glowing numbers. (warnings: references to past issues, intrusive thoughts, Remus-normal stuff//genre: comfort//pairing: platonic intruality) Read on AO3

57.  Betrayal - Virgil’s getting revenge. His way. (warnings: fighting, betrayal, blood, stab//genre: angst//pairing: Virgil and Janus, but angry) Read on AO3

58.  Family - Janus finds out about Virgil trying to duck out. He’s less than pleased. (warnings: dark sides, aggressive love//genre: hurt/comfort ig//pairing: platonic anxceitmus) Read on AO3

59. Eventually - Roman and Logan play Mario Kart. Sometimes, Mario Kart can be the window to the soul. (warnings: none//genre: fluff//pairing: logince) Read on AO3

60.  Just Until - Virgil has not been having a good week. Patton knows a guy. (warnings: panic attack, snake mention//genre: comfort//pairing: platonic moxiety) Read on AO3

[lovemesomesurveys]

1~ What quality do you value most highly in others? Understanding and openminded people. 

2~ Are you more aggressive or mellow? “They call her mellow yellow.” I likely come off to others as being chill, laid back, go with the flow kind of gal. However, you know that meme of the dog sitting there with coffee and there’s a fire going on around him and it’s just like, “this is fine”? That’s me. I’m screaming internally. I’m a very moody, irritable person. I get snippy and pissy. I get frustrated. I get stressed and overwhelmed. My close ones wouldn’t call me laid back, ha. I’m not aggressive, though. I can also be easy going in situations like deciding where to eat, what game to play, what movie to watch, what to do, things like that. I can go with the flow in those situations or like while on vacation.

3~ Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom most definitely has.

4~ Do you take any vitamins or medication? I use iron patches and take pain medication. I’m supposed to be taking more vitamins, though. I need to get like a B12, Vitamin D, and calcium patch. I wish they had protein patches.

5~ Do you want to grow old with someone? I don’t want to be alone in final years. Let’s not think about that stuff right now.

6~ Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why? I have a good amount skepticism, I think. I’m not too trusting of others. 

7~ What sound is annoying you right now? Nothing at the moment, I’m listening to an ASMR video so all I hear are nice sounds.

8~ Where was your last vacation to? Disneylanddddd. A week ago today was our first day there I can’t believe it’s been a week already.

9~ Where was your last car ride to? Home from the airport.

10~ Where did you last walk to? Well, not walk, but I wheeled all over Disneyland and the other park across from it (DCA). I’m still feeling it. My arms are killing me.

11~ What gives you a peaceful feeling? Being near the ocean at the beach.

12~ Are you a light sleeper? Yes.

13~ When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? I’m always the last one to fall asleep.

14~ How many people have a piece of your heart? My family has all of it.

15~ What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? They’re just simple, typical looking ones.

16~ When was the last time you hurt yourself? I don’t recall.

17~ Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? I like the city. Not a big crowded city, though.

18~ Have you ever built something? I built a droid in Galaxy’s Edge (the Star Wars land at Disneyland)!

19~ Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? More of a taker and user. :/ I’ve become very dependent these past few years and I haven’t been able to be of much use for anyone. My family provides everything and does a LOT for me. Way more than they should for a 30 year old grown ass adult. I don’t have a lot to give, but I try when I can. 

20~ Do you take naps? Yeah.

21~ Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? I wish I did start earlier instead of putting it off last minute. It wouldn’t hit me as hard financially if I did.

22~ Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music? No.

23~ If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say Oh yikes I don’t want to know.

24~ What is the dirtiest habit you can think of? Uhh.

25~ Do you ever need ‘quiet time’? I need a lot of quiet time.

26~ Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to outlive their parent? It’s the natural order of things for the child to outlive the parent. That’s not always the case of course, but that’s how it generally goes.

27~ What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift store? I find many things on Ebay. I like to shop on there for Christmas because I can find new things at a lower price for a lot of things.

28~ What is one selfish thing you tend to do? I’ve become more selfish these past few years. :/

29~ What kinds of people do you find intimidating? Outgoing, outspoken, boss type people.

30~ Out of everyone you know who has the most unique personality? Probably my brother.

31~ When do you do your best thinking? When I’m trying to sleep.

32~ What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? I’ve had to do that countless times. There’s ones I still have yet to make, but need to.

33~ Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? I think I did once. It was for a high school project.

34~ What does your favorite coffee mug look like? It’s a Peter Pan one with all the characters on it. It’s really cute.

35~ What age do you think it is most difficult to be? Adult ages, ha. The teenager years are rough, too, though. It’s a pivotal time.

36~ Do you think you could handle a day in jail? Nope.

37~ Who is the most overbearing person you know? My parents can be at times, but it’s only out of love and concern.

38~ Have you ever been on a trampoline? No.

39~ What do you use batteries for the most often? Remotes.

40~ Would you prefer to wrap your own presents or have them all giftwrapped I like to wrap them.

[die-t-hin]

⚘79 tips💌

1. Always eat breakfast. Studies prove that those who eat breakfast tend to make better food choices   later in the day. You don't want to skip off a breakfast of 100 calories for a 500 calorie slice of cake at desert. Besides, breakfast gets your metabolism revved up for the day ahead.

2. If you drink a lot of water on an empty stomach it just makes you gassy. Never fun. Small sips throughout the day is better. You'll also have to pee a lot.

3. If you have things you shouldn't (think diet pills, tape measures, thinspo, bag of spat out food, etc.) make sure you hide it. Leaving it below the bed or in your undies drawer is a surefire way to get those things found.

4. Overuse of laxitives and/or diuretics are bad for your body. Over time, abuse of laxitives and diuretics cause incontinence, and embarassment for you. And if you overuse laxitives, when you stop, your body won;t be able to have a proper bowel movement. Use them only on an as-needed basis, as defined by 'normal' people. As in, only when constipated. 

5. If you sleep less than 6 hours a day, your metabolism goes down between 10-20% depending on the person. And your body produces more of the hormone that makes you feel hungry. So even though you can burn more calories by staying up all night on the exercise bike, opt for the sleep instead if you don't want to overindulge the next day.

6. Don't deprive yourself of anything. That just leads to bingeing. If you want chocolate cake, have it, even if it's on your list of 'bad foods'. BUT, only have a few small bites. That way, you can enjoy what you want without ruining your diet. 

7. Smaller meals throughout the day help keep your metabolism up, burning more calories.

8. Your body burns about 8 calories per glass of ice water trying to get it up to a temperature in which it can be processed. That's 64 calories a day, translating to about 6 or 7 more pounds burned off in a year. Make ice your new best friend.

9. Fiber keeps you fuller longer, and helps keep your digestive system in good shape, thus reducing the need for all those laxitives.

10. Smaller dishes make it seem like you eat more. You often times eat by eyesight, not by stomach fullness. Studies have shown that in 2 groups, with the same amount of food, but one group using large plates and the other small plates, the group with the small plates reported feeling fuller.

11.Horizontal stripes and light denims make you look larger. Avoid them like the plague (Or maybe not)

12. Purging too hard can rupture your esophagus. You might die alone and in pain hunched over your toilet. Just saying. 

13. If you're having a food craving, and smoke, light up and the craving goes away. However, in a short time, that craving will return with a vengeance.

14. If you have a large binge, then your stomach expands massively, and the pressure kills off blood cells. Over time, this leads to a severely damaged stomach that may rupture. Once again, just like a ruptured esophagus, this could lead to you dying in pain. 

15. The negative calorie foods actually only burn about  10% of whatever they put into you. A stick of celery at about 2 cal will only burn off 0.2 cal. 

16. Purging doesn't get rid of all of the calories. You still have about 1/3 or 2/3 of those calories left in you, depending on how soon after you eat you decide to purge. 

17. If you wait more than an hour to purge, then there's no point in doing it. Even if food comes back up, your body will have already absorbed all those calories.

18. Your body doesn't register the calories from liquid the same way as it does calories from food. Your stomach won't send the same 'stop eating' signals to your brain like with food.

19. A good substitute for soda is ICE Sparkling Water. It has pretty good flavor, small amounts of B Vitamins, and green tea extract, all for 0 calories.

20.  Prolonged fasting/starvation messes up your metabolism. 

21. Take a multivitamin every day. Yes, even if it has 5 calories. 

22. If your body hits a plateu, a 'binge' helps. It makes your body think that you've stopped starving yourself. In fact, make it a goal that you have a day a week in which you eat at least 1000 calories if you want your metabolism to work properly (meaning it actually keeps burning calories and digesting food).

23.  Blotting greasy foods like bacon and pizza with a napkin can save you about 100 calories.

24. Whole-grains have fiber and make you fuller longer. 

25.  Take the stairs instead of the elevator.

26. Alcohol is calorie dense. Say goodbye to going out drinking with friends unless you plan to be the designated driver.

27.  If you chew and spit it out, you're doing just as much damage to your teeth as vomiting, maybe even more, because saliva has acid like that in your stomach, that starts digestion. 

28. Over time, purging depletes tooth enamel. Yes, dentists can recognize it. 

29.  If you cook pasta, don't use butter. But you get sticky pasta. 

30.  When your periods stop, osteoporosis sets in. You could be a 12 year old girl with the bones of an 80 year old woman. Sometimes, your bones never regain the proper density. You'll become prone to stress fractures and breaking bones. Calcium supplements are gold right here. Buy the ones for elderly people with osteoporosis if you can.

31. Brushing your teeth right after purging causes the enamel to wear off, making your teeth decay faster. Chewing gum or mints releases saliva, doing the same. 

32. Drinking a lot of water can make it seem that you weigh more, which can help when visiting the doctor. If a lot of liquid is consumed in a short period of time, you might cause yourself brain damage, swelling of the brain, water logging of the brain.... So be careful about waterlogging.

33.  Dehydration speeds up tooth decay, because you won't have enough protective enzymes in your mouth to prevent the saliva from doing damage to your teeth. Don't restrict liquids.

34. Make yourself lunch. A nice big sandwich with a juice and pack of chips. Then when you get to school, give it away to someone who forgot theirs. 

35.  If you hide food that you were supposed to have eaten, make sure you do something about it ASAP. Same with the bag of puke in the closet. 

36. Be prepared for all the questions of 'have you lost weight' and 'are you eating'.

37. You can only make the excuse of food poisoning a few times before it becomes fishy.

38.  Laxitives don't affect calorie consumption. 

39. The more that you insist that you're fat, the more likey people are going to become suspicious.

40. Don't use thinspo with people showing bones. It raises eyebrows.

41. Denying things just makes people get more suspicious.

42. Running to the bathroom right after you eat makes people assume that you're going to go purge.

43. Hot water fills you up more, but cold water burns  more calories.

44.  When you go into ketosis, your breath is going to smell like hell. Mints are your buddies.

45.  Your body often mistakes thirst for hunger. 

46.  Track progress by measuring tapes, not scales or mirrors. Your eyes will show you a hippo, even if you're a skeleton with a skin covering, and scales get affected by everything, and I mean everything.

47. If you take too many diet pills, or even just one on an empty stomach, it gives you some pretty nasty side effects. Make sure you take one with something food. Like a few bites of an apple.

48. The artificial sweeteners like those in diet soda have been shown in studies to promote the body storing belly fat. And some have been linked to brain tumors. 

49. Eating on a dark blue or black plate has the effect of making you eat less.

50. If you want to prevent a binge, just buy the food that you need for the day if you live by yourself.

51. Frozen foods take longer to eat, so you feel occupied longer, and you might feel fuller. Oh, and your body has to burn calories to get it to a temperature that it can be digested, so win all around!

52. If you get bad headaches, it's probably because you're dehydrated or your blood sugar is too low.

53. If you don't eat enough, your blood sugar drops, and then you start feeling weak and dizzy and get horrible headaches.

54. Don't take aspirin on an empty stomach. It'll make you puke.

55.  Be careful about sitting with your legs crossed, they might fall asleep and cause you pain, and if you're thin enough, you might pinch something, leaving you in pain or unable to walk.

56. If you don't drink enough, you'll get dehydrated, and then your muscles will hurt like a bitch. And no, painkillers probably won't do anything for this.

57. It takes about 20 minutes for your body to feel full from the time that you first put a bite of food into your mouth.

58. Some sugar free gums have 3 calories, and some have 5. Even though you aren't swallowing it, you should count these.

59. Get really good at math. That way, you can easily mentally add up whatever you've eaten for the day, without having to write it down. People get suspicious if they come across a food diary.

60. Dress warmly enough to keep warm without making it obvious. People get suspicious if you're wearing a coat in 90 degree weather, or complaining about being cold while they're ok or even too hot.

61. Spicy foods and seaweed boost the metabolism. Seaweed soup (35cal) with 1 tbsp soy sauce(10cal) and hotsauce (5cal) makes a great dinner. 

62. Eating cabbage to lose weight is good, but smelly.

63. Eating in front of the TV or computer distracts you from feeling full.

64. Eat while standing burns more calories than eating while sitting.

65. Talk a lot and eat very little at lunch or dinner and people won't notice.

66. Keep food spread out and close to the plate and people will think it's more.

67. Your skin will turn gray or yellow if you don't eat right. Tanning might help counteract this.

68. Your hair will get super dry and maybe even turn gray in places. Have extra strength conditioner and hair dye on call.

69. Your nailbeds are going to get blue from lack of nutrients. Find a pretty color nailpolish that you like.

70. Every 20 minutes or so when sitting, get up and take a short walk if you can. 

71. Delete your browsing history. It's hard to explain away your sudden weight loss when there's all the pro ana tricks in your computer.

72. Weight lost slowly will stay off, whereas weight that is lost rapidly will come back, with more, when you start eating even somewhat normal.

73. If you lose weight too fast, you also lose muscle. When that happens, you burn off calories more slowly. 

74. People with more muscle burn off more calories doing the same activities as people with less muscle.

75.  If you burn off too much muscle, then your body burns calories more slowly.

76. Only eat when people are going to notice. And then, only have something small.

77. Excuses will be your new best friend. Use them like a cheap whore.

78. Lack of nutrients make you depressed. 

79. Fasting for days on end makes your metabolism go down and increases cravings.

[kiliosthestarmaker]

Nyehehe 1-49 >.> all of dem 😏😉

I EXPECTED THIS BUT YOU’RE GOING TO K I L L M E

The Basics1.     Do you listen to music when you write?

YES, Gods yes! The inspiration! The characterizations! The playlists I listen to when dealing with a particular character I love it I crave it!

2.     Are you a pantser or a plotter?

Plotter, most things have already been decided on within my stories.

3.     Computer or pen and paper?

Computer, I’ll use a pencil and paper only when I have no tech on me. 

4.     Have you ever been published, or do you want to be published?

I’d like to be published

5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?

Interesting question, I have no clue

6.     Single or multiple POV?

Kind of multiple? It’s all in third POV but we follow around different characters

7.     Standalone or series?

*cackles* SERIES

8.     Oldest WIP

A whole series called Ratio Cor that I finally got back too

9.     Current WIP

Worlds Rejoined

10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?

No. Gods no, I’d stress myself out.

The Specifics11.  Books and/or authors who influenced you the most

Lord of The Rings

J.R.R. Tolkien

George Martin

Harry Potter

Rick Riordan

C.S. Lewis

My two writer friends Wolfe and Jacks

12.  Describe your perfect writing space

My room, blasting with music in the morning when I have no school

13.  Describe your writing process from idea to polished

Sure

A) Wake up at 2 AM with an idea

B) write it down 

C) go back to sleep until you have to wake up properly

D) Write out a decent plot

E) Characters

F) World Building (My fav part)

G) Write and Feel your book

H) Make others suffer with you

14.  How do you deal with self-doubts?

Music and talking to Wolfe

15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?

Music, scrolling through Tumblr, talking to Wolfe and Jacks

16.  How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied with a project?

Who the heckity heck knows

17.  What writing habits or rituals do you have?

Grab some food and a drink

18.  If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you write about?

I WOULD COLLABORATE WITH @princess-east AND @stressedwolfe and it would probably either be about the gods or some action/adventure/fantasy thing and we’ve done it before AND ALSO @koalajake CAUSE THE IDEAS HE HAS 

I

ADORE

19.  How do you keep yourself motivated?

My dad expresses interest in my plots (the only family member that do), he tells me about showing it to other people at work or while he’s busy with something and the person just so happen to be there. My loves also encourage me.

there is also music

20.  How many WIPs and story ideas do you have?

........ ehe well there is 1 collection, 4 series within that collection and about 3-4 books within each series sans one which will probably have more than that. Other than that...I have many, many ideas

The Favourites21.  Who is/are your favorite character(s) to write?

I absolutely love writing Kilios, not only is he my favorite character, he’s just purely iconic.

22.  Who is/are your favorite pairing(s) to write?

Most of my pairings are platonic as most characters are teens or children. There’s also those who have been married and are widowed now so-

OH THERE IS KOLFE I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WRITING THOSE TWO

23.  Favorite author

Wait I have to choose??

24.  Favorite genre to write and read

Fantasy

25.  Favorite part of writing

WORLD BUILDING!!!! I SWEAR ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE LIKE “Hey Kilios you wanna help me build a world for this AU?” or “Hey Kilios can you help me build the world for my story?” AND I WILL BE ALL OVER THAT

26.  Favorite writing program

Lmao does google docs count?

27.  Favorite line/scene

From...from my book?

(Ratio Cor)

“Okay...” She hums softly as she screws on her arm. She flexes the mechanical fingers slowly before twisting her wrist. She grimaces slightly at the creaking of the joint. “Grandfather where’s the thing?”

“What thing?”

“The...the thing...uh...whot yz yt collud… THE OIL!” Kala exclaims after figuring it out. She hears her grandfather laugh. Kala huffs softly at the laughter. Her grandfather taught her the surface language at a young age. He told her it might come in handy one day, but she doesn’t understand why it would. The Markian language was harder to learn afterward.

(Working Title: Caelum Enterprise)

“That's a child.” Kai whispers. Kilios nods his head in agreement. “That’s a child.” 

“Thirteen years old.” Kilios offers with a small grin. Kai’s face turns blank, and he stares at Kilios. A cold rage settles in his soul.

“So, I have to kill Zeus?” Shadow chokes on his laughter as he wraps his arms around Kai’s waist. Kilios snorts in amusement even though he knew his friend could kill the Lightning God if he wanted to.

“Now, now. Revenge is best served cold as you may know.” Kilios hums softly as they smirk at each other. Shadow and Oketh look at each other before shaking their heads in exasperation. “Zeus seems to want this kid somewhat broken down, so we’ll give the child the best childhood.”28.  Favorite side character

Kai and Shadow, purely for their dynamic

29.  Favorite villain

K,,,kilios

30.  Favorite idea you haven’t started on yet?

Three siblings were reborn as siblings in the modern world. One problem, the ex-youngest sibling is the only that remembers their past and the evil that caused them to die before has followed them. So now, the sibling has to reawaken their siblings' past selves and strive off the evil force all alone. What will happen if the evil, instead of harming the ex-youngest sibling, takes them away to where they are treated as they should be and are loved. What happens when their siblings do reawaken and come after them? What happens if the ex-younger sibling doesn’t want to go? After all, they found love in the darkness. They found light within it as well insert King Keir who isn’t willing to let his consort be taken without a fight.

The Dark31.  Least favorite part of writing

The,,, the writing part

32.  Most difficult character to write

Alim??? I guess cause he’s like grandfatherly and most characters I’ve done in the past never met their grandparents?? 

33.  Have you ever killed a main character?

Yes, even better! I’m going to kill one in one of my books!!

34.  What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?

Kilios’,,,, death I’m-35.  What scene/story are you least looking forward to writing?

KILIOS’ ORIGIN STORY

The Fun36.  Last sentence you wrote

“Yeah, I’m alright.” She assures her grandfather after he gives her a look showing that he didn’t believe her. “So, what’s for breakfast?” She quickly changes the subject.

37.  The first sentence or your current WIP

“Three creators, each lost in their own right. Their names were taken from books and erased from history. The first to come back will be the one who breathes the anger of volcanoes. Next will be the one who freezes the stars. Finally, the one with powers that are forbidden will come to light. Once together united as one. All will hail the Cold Sun.”

38.  Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had

All of them

39.  Weirdest character concept you’ve ever had

A manipulative character that ends up saving the world due to having the ability to see at least ten steps of ahead and calculating an infinite amount of possibilities for options due to having who is literally the concept of the creation of stars and demihumans/hybrids as a bearer (Aka Kilios)

40.  Share some backstory for one of your characters

AHAHAHAHA

Kyle Evren was born from a phoenix and the Primordial God Khaos. The toddler was neither male nor female. Ze was an outlier much like the being known as Udushunamir, who was a being created by the Egyptian Great God Ea. Kyle was born to die for the Gods.

Kavya Esther was created with the body of Saiph and life was breathed into her by Astraea. Her mother was a phoenix and the Star Goddess Astraea. Kavya was very radiant and creatures of all sizes tended to flock to her. The child was kind and lovely. Kavya was born to die for the Gods.

Kit Keir was born from a phoenix and the Hindu Celestial Deity known as Rahu. Kit was both male and female. Due to cer odd parentage, Kit gained both sexes from cer parents. Kit was a very elusive and dreamish teen. Ce would often be found drifting off into cer own little world without a care of anyone around cem. Kit was born to die for the Gods.

Kilios Caelum was born from the ashes of who he used to be. He was ruthless and tired. He was angry at what he’s been through. He swore to rise far above what he attempted to accomplish beforehand. He would build an empire, he would rise to the sky. Kilios refused to die for the Gods.

The Rest of It41.  Any advice for new/beginning/young writers?

Jot down any idea you have, no matter how vague or bizarre it is, write it down.Research, for the love of the gods, research whatever you need for your book and please please use multiple sites.Talk to other writers and ask for input, it’s alright to be nervous so just message them privately. Hell, you can ask me I’m always up for learning about new writers.

42.  How do you feel about love triangles?

As long as it makes sense and doesn’t cause the main plot to be pushed as a subplot I’m good with it fam

43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?

Mutter dark threats under my breath and curse my characters for putting me in the backseat of my own damn writing.

44.  How much research do you do?

Literally, a third of my whole writing process is contributed to pure research.

45.  How much world building do you do?

By the time I’m done, if someone finds it they’d think I just found the world and wrote down what the people told me.

46.  Do you reread your own stories?

Yes and it’s physically painful

47.  Best way to procrastinate

Youtube and Drawing

48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?

KILIOS IS LITERALLY ME THEN HE WENT OFF AND GOT HIS OWN STORY THE BASTARD

49.  Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?

All of them because they are my children and I love them.

[neuroweird]

all of the lesbian asks, my dude

Lesbians Asks 

1 )  Femme of Butch? 

I consider myself more futch, but I like both either, all lesbians.

2 ) Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

I have an emotional type. Someone who shares some similar interests, but has unique interests as well. Personality traits that complement each other’s, a love language I can work with. Someone with whom a relationship is an adventure and a learning experience. Someone who is adventurous with food and at least some inclination toward healthy / active lifestyles.

3 )  Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

Plaid button up under a leather jacket.

4 )  Describe your style.

Chronic pain chique? Grey tone futch with a pop of colour? 

5 )  Describe your aesthetic.

My “personal” pinterest board.

6 )  Favorite article of clothing?

My grey speckled crewneck sweatshirt. 

7 )  Favorite pair of shoes?

My running shoes, bc that’s where my orthotics are.

8 ) Current haircut? 

Just long enough to put a tiny little ponytail in it, but short enough that not all my hair fits. Also an undercut at the back.

9 )  Any haircut goals for the future?

Currently growing it out. I want it long again, which I haven’t had since I was like… 12.

10 )  Describe the best date you’ve been on.

I’m like the worst person to ask this, since I’ve only gone out with my gf. We went out for brunch on our anniversary two years ago and it was very sweet.

11 )  Describe the worst date you’ve been on.

It was with this trans guy who I didn’t know was a trans guy for the first month I knew him. He had a gender neutral (Jules) name at the time so I just thought he was butch. My friend told me that he was a trans guy and I was like “wow thank god I never misgendered him to his face”. 

He asked me  out and sort of misheard me when I said “my mom and sister love chocolate but I like savoury foods more”… so he took me to this place called Coco70 which… only sells chocolate dishes… and then we missed the more date appropriate movie we were gonna see and saw Hunger Games (2?) instead.

He was really so sweet, but I didn’t think I was right for him because he was self conscious about how much taller I am than him. He tried so hard to make it special and I appreciated that, but boy was it awkward after I told him I didn’t think I could date him anymore. 

12 )  Single? Taken? 

I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years now, but we’re open with it. Thus I am very much open to dating other girls. 

13 )  If taken, talk about your girlfriend.

Alice is a lovely person! She adores her cat, and is an amazing writer. She’s a take no shit kind of person, and I appreciate that. She is caring to the point of stressing herself out, she loves to cook (she’s a great cook!).

14 ) If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

Everything in 11, but also someone whose idea of “clean” is complementary to mine, similar desires about kids, adventurous ideas about sex? Career ambitions? Likes cats/dogs/both? Someone who would want to be active/better our health together. 

15 )  Describe your dream wedding. 

Oh my gosh. I cannot possibly do that. I have a “weddings” board on pinterest with different ideas. Nothing too extravagant, nothing too small. Balanced. It would depend on the woman I’m marrying 100%.

16 )  Do you want kids? 

I do !  I am uncertain about the method of becoming a mother, but I’m not opposed to adopting, having a donor, myself or my partner carrying the baby (or babies). It all depends really. But yes, I want to be a mother. 

17 )  If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Somewhere not too hot but not too cold. I’d really love to be successful enough to have condos in cities around the world. 

18 )  Favourite lesbian movie. 

God. I’m a cliche. It’s Carol (2015).

19 )  Favourite lesbian novel/story? 

Carol. Again. I need some lesbian book recs. Can I say my own? Because I’m writing my own. 

20 )  Favourite lesbian song? 

Talia by King Princess? 

21 )  Favourite lesbian musician? 

I am… uncultured… King Princess? 

22 ) What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

I lean on everything, and dyke spread.

23 ) Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

My girlfriend’s neighbours thought I was her bc we both had buzz cuts when I visited her, despite her being like 4-5 inches shorter than me.

24 )  If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

I love having matching jewelry with who I’m dating. Get me a necklace or a ring or something and have one for you too? I’m all yours. Also my love language is “words of affirmation” and “receiving gifts”, the latter of which means that I love gifts, but it doesn’t have to be a monetary item, it could be a cool rock.

25 )  Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

Not having to give men any attention. 

26 )  Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

I like either but I enjoy cats for size and their independence. 

27 ) Turn ons. 

I need to leave a little bit of mystery. 

28 ) Turn offs?

Lack of cleanliness, condescension?

29 )   Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

I am a huge coward, and unless there is some mutual interest I just die a little until I either break tell them I want to date them or drop hints until they do? Alice and I just literally decided to be in a relationship, there was no real dating-asking.

30 )  What is your dream career?

Screenwriter, novelist, filmmaker. 

31 )  Talk about your interests or hobbies!

I write a lot, I’m working on a few novels and screenplays. You can find my work at @melrosiewrites​ which is my writeblr. I also dabble in photoshop, and read quite a bit. 

32 )  What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

Usually her face. A nice smile is very captivating. 

33 )  Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

It would be nice not to get petty crushes on all my friends. Does that say enough? 

34 ) Ever fallen for your best-friend?

Nope.

35 )  Ever fallen for a straight girl?

Nope.

36 ) The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

I watched it. I was a bit young for it. What a mess. 

37 )  Favorite comfort food?

French fries? Sushi?

38 ) Coffee or tea? 

Tea, with honey. 

39 )  Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? 

Omnivore, but not against going more plant based. Definitely prepared to accommodate someone’s diet (choice or allergy based). I would like to buy more organic, free range, meat. 

40 )  Do you have any pets. 

Not at the moment. 

41 )  Early riser, or night owl? 

I prefer being up early, but I don’t like alarm clocks, I’d rather the sunlight wake me. I go to bed at like 10 PM. 

42 )  What is your sign?

Taurus. 

43 )  Can you drive? 

I cannot. 

44 )  Who was your first lesbian crush? 

The only openly gay girl in my highschool, who’s a little dumb bc I told her twice that I liked her, but she was very surprised when I told her the second time. She is so butch and now she’s married and a mom! Her wife is expecting their child soon. I’m so happy for her.

45 )  At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

I knew I wasn’t straight when I was like 14? But I identified as bi for most of highschool. I only decided I was a lesbian when I was 18. 

46 )  At what age did you come out (if you have)?

Probably soldily after I got with Alice. So, a little over 5 years ago. 

47 ) Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

I would marry Sarah Paulson in a heartbeat. Okay. Otherwise. No serious crushes.

48 ) Talk about how your day went. 

I bought maroon gloves that match my scarf, three face masks and those loopy hairbands before class, then bought Timmies for lunch, and have been answering all of these while listening to a guest lecturer in my “the city after dark” class. I’m going to help a family friend with her daughter’s birthday party after.

49 )  Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future.

Able to afford everything I need to better my health and maintain my health. My dream wardrobe, my dream home (homes?). I want to be challenged in my creative passions, and I want to share them and be a well known screenwriter and filmmaker. 

50 ) Least favourite gay celebrity? 

Uh. Aub*ey Pl*za? She said something a bit distasteful and a bit transphobic a while back, but otherwise I just don’t really like her vibe. Not too deep. 

[worldcakecakecake]

Feliciano and the King of Hearts

Chosen by the gods as the Queen of Hearts from the moment of birth, we follow Feliciano’s story as he grows into royal life, learns to rule, go against age old customs, and his relationship with his husband to be, the King of Hearts.

Chapter 1 I  Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 I Chapter 4 I Chapter 5 I Chapter 6I Chapter 7 I Chapter 8 IChapter 9I Chapter 10I Chapter 11I Chapter 12 I Chapter 13 I Chapter 14 I Chapter 15 I Chapter 16 I Chapter 17 I Chapter 18 I Chapter 19I Chapter 20 I Chapter 21 I Chapter 22 I Chapter 23 I Chapter 24 I Chapter 25 I Chapter 26 I Chapter 27 I Chapter 28I Chapter 29 I Chapter 30 I Chapter 31 I Chapter 32 I Chapter 33 I Chapter 34 I Chapter 35 I Chapter 36 I Chapter 37I chapter 38 I Chapter 39 I Chapter 40 I Chapter 41 I Chapter 42 I Chapter 43 I Chapter 44 I Chapter 45 I Chapter 46I Chapter 47 I Chapter 48 I Chapter 49 I Chapter 50 I Chapter 51 I Chapter 52 I Chapter 53

Here we go! Even with Pneumonia, nothing stops me from writing this!

                                              Chapter 54

Foreboding silence, the only sound that of the freezing spell blowing its occasional spark, not enough to break the stillness, not enough for all the Vargas there to depart from what their thoughts dedicated to after hearing such a large story and news.

 Augusta had been the true hero of their lineage, a lineage full of power, with an Ace, with an important destiny lying in their own Feliciano. No movement, sometimes it felt like not even breaths were exchanged, as frozen as figures in a painting.

 “Uh…” Augustus uttered the first sound after the telling and yet the rest feared to join along in saying something.

 “I need a glass of wine,” Vicenzo groaned, rubbing his hands on his temple from the growing headache.

 “I need a whole bottle…maybe more,” Lovino uttered, tempted, his hand reaching as if to command a servant.

 “No,” Antonio denied him by bringing his hand down. Lovino was bearing after all.

 “Yeah…that’s…what I had to tell you,” Feliciano said afterwards, still trembling, slightly fearful of the new image his family would have of him afterwards.

 “An Ace…an Ace…” Renata repeated, still in the same shock as everybody else.

 “And a war coming soon," Lovino did well to remind.

 “With a who knows how big dark monster whose been angry and vengeful for centuries,” Vicenzo added.

 “And Feli to do the same thing Augusta had done long ago and save us all,” Lovino said in a heavy tone of doubt that made a new shiver run through Feliciano, head looking down with the usual fears. Ludwig placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, bringing him close, the rest too preoccupied in their thoughts after the news to smirk or point at Ludwig and Feliciano’s sudden new closeness.

 “I’m confident Feliciano will do just that,” Ludwig declared, his sureness as strong as stone. And just like that there was light and color, Feliciano could smile, and he could feel confident, showing that very strength to his family now.  

 “And what are we to do?” Renata asked.

 “Remain here and stay safe,” Feliciano wanted.

 “Oh, no, no, no, no,” Lovino pointed excessively.

 “What do you have in mind?” It was like Ludwig was challenging them.

 “Fight, of course,” Vicenzo was sure.

 “No!” Feliciano would not allow his family to risk themselves like this.

 “The kingdom needs every hand,” Renata was defending, standing in her sureness to join along.

 “Please…” still Feliciano wanted to stop.

 “Whatever army your making, we want to be a part of it,” Antonio decided.

 “Lovino! Your baby-”

 “Will stay in the castle safely.”

 Feliciano was confused with the implications it meant. “Does that mean…”

 “Antonio and I will go with you to the castle once you return,” Lovino declared.

 “But-but-but-”

 “We’ll train along and hey, you can spend a lot of time with your nephew as well.” Lovino knew Feliciano’s soft spot for babies and children.

 “I believe this to be just,” Abasi added.

 “Don’t-don’t-”

 “Renata and I wish to be updated in all the training done, we will do what we can here and join you in the castle when it’s time,” Vicenzo made his own decision, one his wife agreed with.

 Feliciano fretted, feeling ignored, worried, stressed.

 “Your highness, you have to understand,” Kandake defended.

 “You have said it yourself, we need every help possible,” Abasi added.

 “I just…I don’t want to loose any of you…” on the verge of his usual tears.

 “You won’t,” Vicenzo made clear.

 “We will train well,” Renata came forward and caressed Feliciano’s jaw, enough to stop any tears that could fall, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Just as we won’t doubt in your strength, don’t doubt in ours,” she eased, placing yet another kiss before she let go, suddenly switching her attention and gaze to the arising king. “Ludwig, why don’t you come and help along with the cooks to make lunch?”

 “Don’t you think we’re better off-”

 “After this, we need good food, and didn’t you promise you will be an expert in cake baking by now? Something sweet will be nice to add.” That was just the persuasion that had Ludwig easily falling, compliant in the grasp Renata took of his arm, pulling him off into the halls.

 “I need to get out of this room, I need…fresh air,” Lovino needed more space for his thoughts…as well as just wind to refresh him. He was feeling hot and this discovery just made it worst.

 “May we come with you?” Zuma offered.

 “We have some calming spells for bearers that we want to try out,” Kandake seemed excited about it.

 “Oh good, do you have something for sore skin?”

 “I believe so,” Kandake was assuring, all leaving with the expecting couple.

 Vicenzo also took his turn to leave to get some medical drinks, as well as curiosity over why his wife took Ludwig to the kitchen, sensing gossiping…that he wanted a part of.

 Augustus and Feliciano found themselves alone, both holding the same smiles that ignited like the very candles.

 “I suppose you would want to join the war as well,” Feliciano smirked, knowing how Augustus had once been a proud soldier of the Hearts Kingdom army.

 “If I didn’t have my condition, I would be the first to sign, before anybody else.” He was sure, a strong wish even as he lay back down into the bed, taking easy breaths and finally at some sort of ease after the news. Feliciano took sitting in one of the near chairs, joyous enough in just sitting by him, letting the silence live on longer and being content to just remain as they were. But one of the many things Feliciano had gotten from Augustus was how talkative he could get.

 “You know, my mother was always going on with conspiracy theories about Augusta. Always believed something was going on when there was barely any information about her, especially since she was the wife of what we thought was our greatest hero. She would suggest that perhaps she never existed, or that she was Romulus’s daughter instead, that she was the real builder of the castle, perhaps another man’s wife, all her information burned in jealousy. Then there was my favorite, where she said she was the real hero who fought against Khaos, going on with incredible tales that made it impossible for me to sleep as a child. I never thought she would be right and now more than ever, I’m glad the namesake she gave me.” There was such fulfillment, a childish happiness that for a moment made him look younger and healthier.

 “Really?”

 “Yes. My father wanted Romulus, but Mamma was insisting. How she managed, I have no idea, but thus Augustus was chosen, for even if she birthed a male she would not give up on the name.” He laughed, but it wasn’t long lasting, a new kind of nostalgia falling in his gaze, his eyes far in another moment.

 “Hopefully I’ll soon be able to see her and tell her this,” he sighed.

 “What are you talking about? She’s been dead for several years.”

 Augustus only hummed, with another sigh and then a groan for another pang of pain that spread through him.

 “So…Ludwig?” Still Augustus managed to smirk in such a way that instantly dipped Feliciano in red.

 “Wha-wha-what about him?” Feliciano looked away, rubbing his arm and only resonating well what had happened.

 Augustus’s smirk did not fall and in his seating, he seemed to lean wanting to hear.

 “Something happened, something happened,” Augustus sing-song, then a laugh that Feliciano just had to face even in his embarrassment.

 Smiling and laughing all his strength even in his sickness, it was beauty as well as inspiration to Feliciano.

 “Okay, so, yes, something…did happen,” Feliciano admitted as much, but Augustus’s smile just turned wider, once again bringing Feliciano into red, trying to hide it by groaning and sinking his face into the palm of his hands.

 “I want details, zuccherino!” He expected.

 After some tugging on his hair, some easy breathing, gathering the confidence and organizing in his head where to begin, he began to tell.

  “-this amount of chocolate is just enough, but I think we should add more blueberries. Renata?”

 To be honest, Renata didn’t give a care, the cupcakes were nothing to her when she was trying to focus on her mission.

 “So…” she leaned upon the counter, tangling her hands, a mischievous smirk already placed like an instant mask. “Tell me, how are things with Feliciano?”

 Ludwig suddenly squeezed too hard and had stained chocolate unto the counter. “I-I’m sorry about…that,” he apologized.

 “Not to worry, nothing that can’t be managed.” Renata fetched for a cloth and cleaned it herself, hoping for Ludwig to say something in the meantime, but he remained as shy as he had been in his childhood, wary to even pick up the plastic and continue with the frosting.

 “What’s the matter?” Renata asked, as sweet and motherly as ever.

 “I’m guessing that’s the real reason you brought me here,” Ludwig chuckled.

 “This is my son, I want him to feel loved, especially by you.” Good sign enough that Ludwig was smiling back.

 “Is he getting loved?” Renata thought it easy to start.

 “Yes.” As devoted, as sure, no sign of doubt or lies in that simple reply. “I finally am, as we promised, as I always wanted and it feels…amazing that we can be like this, that I can love him, show it and act as he deserves to be. He’s just as wonderful to me, it feels so great to accept all his embraces, holds, touches, kisses-”

 “Kisses…touches?” Renata grinned wide and oh how cute Ludwig’s pale turned deep red.

 “We kind of kissed for the first time…yesterday.”

 Renata shrilled, holding to Ludwig’s arm and jumping more like a little girl. “How was it? How did it happen and where?” She would have gone on if Ludwig didn’t continue speaking.

 “We were returning from the village, it started raining so we went under the gazebo just to talk and…I don’t know it just…happened. It was…like something exploded into a lot of colors and all I wanted was just…more and more of it.”

 How relieving, how wonderful for Renata to hear.

 “Really, and what else?” A new voice, coming and taking a seating with ease.

 Vicenzo was a tall dark man, as built as Ludwig, sometimes intimidating, but Ludwig had never found fear in him…until that moment.

 Sure, afterwards they didn’t do anything far beyond the lines of intimacy, but the fact that Feliciano was still brought to his bed, where they shared more passionate kisses, his lips upon his neck and that very, very, very delightful single moan that made him question how in the world did he not continue to ravish what he had so splendidly under him…made him think he had done already a heinous deflowering that Vicenzo saw clearly on his figure, more so when he remained silent, frozen and surely sweating and blushing in nervousness.

 “We slept in different beds…clothed.”

 Vicenzo and Renata glanced between themselves confused.

 “That’s rather…abstinent,” Vicenzo commented with deep question.

 “Yes, yes, because it is the right thing to do, we have to be diligent, focus, strong, organized,”

 “Mamma, papa, nonno wants porridge, he told me there’s one-”

 “Feliciano!” And there was a ruckus as Ludwig accidentally swung his hand over the blueberry package, the flour, the sugar, the chocolate, the butter, all swung and sent flying. He tried to catch, he tried to stop anything from hitting harsh ground or being sent somewhere else in the counter, but it had been a failure, and in the process he had almost tripped and probably got a new bruise by hitting something against the edge of the counter. Trying to maintain decency, he tried to keep a cool lean, acting like the disaster around him he caused was nonexistent.

 “Porridge, porridge, porridge! I don’t know where it is! Renata, tell him where the porridge is.”

 The baffles everyone held intensified and there was hesitation to make any movement that would make Ludwig act more like a sudden fool.

 “It’s here, carino.” Renata went to get the bowl and handed it to him, but Feliciano remained still after having in its hold, mostly worried over his arising king.

 “Ludwig…are you okay?”

 “Fine, fine, fine, why would you be asking?” How cute he blushed, the wonder in his eyes, taken absolutely by his arising queen. Feliciano smiled at such a truth of emotion.

 “Luddy, why don’t we dine with nonno in his room tonight?”

 “Ye-yeah, yeah sure, I see no problem with that.”

 Feliciano skipped away in big elation.

 Afterwards, the only thing left were the last chuckles of Vicenzo and Renata, then leaving the topic and determined on finishing the lunch as well as the blueberry and chocolate cupcakes.

  What Augustus thought would be a dinner to focus on speaking to Ludwig and probably slapping him as payback for how he treated Feliciano after their reunion, ended up with a family dinner in his room, including a Greek nephew, a Turkish sailor, a Portuguese relative of Antonio and a mysterious group from what was thought the lost kingdom of white. It was loud, there was endless laughter, and how wonderful to see Ludwig and Feliciano sitting together, smiling to each other, sharing pieces of food, even leaning against one another, Ludwig’s arms around his waist, Feliciano poking Ludwig’s nose and even nuzzling to it. It made him laugh…they were being that annoying couple that as children they had spoken of never wanting to be. Pookie still remained in his bed, in his tiny form this time, purring and cuddling into Augustus’s hand, the old man enjoying from the small creature, not minding to continue with his caresses. Herakles and Sadiq were at the verge of fighting again, but a handing of the cupcakes Ludwig had made had stilled them instantly. The rest of the attention was on Lovino, who was showing some of his red lined marks on his arm to Kandake, checking to see if the baby would arrive with sickness or defect. To the relief of many, she had given them the positive news of expecting a very healthy baby.

 How beautiful, how perfect this painting he ruled upon. Helena would be so proud of them all and it was moments like these that made him miss her deeply. Soon, perhaps…soon.

  It was a kind of repeat for the next few days, all expecting the soon birth of…name that was still being fought upon. They all cleaned, cooked, baked, even helped out in the fields, cutting grass, gathering some of the grapes for either wine or just to eat at the moment. It was rather blissful, a vacation, sunny days with laughter and enjoyment.

 It was a beautiful afternoon like this, windows open letting a delightful breeze refresh all the halls, bringing in quite a lighting of the inner colors to make even the site rest. No one dared to ruin it with words, Ludwig and Feliciano silent as they ordered and packed some of the fruits just brought. They had this room alone, the rest either working outside or preparing the kitchen, leaving it silent enough to think that they had all the villa to themselves. Feliciano hummed some random tune, Ludwig content with listening to him as he worked. The humming then took a familiar tune, one of utter importance that Ludwig couldn’t miss, his peeling in a halt, ears focused to listen on its completeness. To a surprise, Ludwig began humming along, his loud, breaking, bringing Feliciano to that same stillness he had taken for a moment to listen to him. Their gazes met, the idea reaching them instantly, bringing a dear smile, but yet there was still some shyness, some fear, and Lovino, as he gazed through a crack in the door, couldn’t stand it.

 “What are you doing?” Antonio asked him, meeting him as he made his way from upstairs with Augustus’s empty plates from breakfast.

 “Do you remember that small music chest we gave Feliciano for his Berlin departure?” Lovino instantly asked.

 “Yeah, what about it?”

 “Help me look for it,” Lovino decided, leading Antonio forward.

 “Wh-why? Wouldn’t it be in the king’s villa with all the rest of his stuff anyways?”

 “Feliciano brings a bag every day from that place, perhaps it’s in there.”

 “He mostly just brings spices and flowers,”

 “You’ve clearly forgotten how sentimental my brother is.”

 To Antonio’s surprise and Lovino’s correctness, they found the chest tucked well inside a handkerchief. It was a bit scrapped and dirtied, but it showed proof of use, of nights held in the hand of the arising queen, for the turmoil, for the relieving, for the hold of light in darkness. Both Antonio and Lovino were gleeful about this, remembering how much it had cost to get it made. At least Feliciano had been fruitful with it.

 “Come on,” Lovino commanded them both back to the room, where now Ludwig and Feliciano had gone back to their usual peeling, but silent. The fear had won this time, but Lovino wasn’t going to let it continue. In that moment Renata was making her way down to meet them, catching Lovino opening the chest to begin the melody. This became the new only presence, both Ludwig and Feliciano perking in an instantaneous that almost seemed comical to those who watched by the door. The melody went on, having both the figures stilled, but nothing else occurred. When Lovino was at a verge of patience, Ludwig this time initiated the humming, going along with his peeling, then placing, true to the lullaby of the chest, like a normality not to question, but yet Feliciano remained in a haze, wondering if it was happening, if this could just be a dream. He feared to disturb it, his figure slumped, given up to the song.

 “I’ll journey and see beyond the lines of our kingdom

Never a fear to be lost, never a fear to fall

In pleasure, I will take the mysteries of what I could meet

If you accept to be mine, my Queen.”

 Ludwig began, slowly, still as hesitant, the strength of his voice still evident, clearly not as melodic. He knew he couldn’t sing that well, yet he tried. To Feliciano it was blissful enough, breathless at that last phrase that Ludwig had sang with such strong meaning that he might as well whispered it close in his ear.  

 “No heat, no cold, will stop me of my search

No sun, no rain to go against my strength

Just promise me your hand

And love me in our eternity.”

 Ludwig turned fully to Feliciano by now, close, the fruits now fallen in their heap, a hand reaching to take his, which Feliciano instantly grasped wanting to show that very promise.

 “My sun, my moon, my land, my love  

I know it’s a journey you will overcome

But I don’t need you to go so far

I want you here to kiss me.”

 Feliciano so easily picked up the melody along in the continuing harmony, his voice clearly more pristine and enchanting for Ludwig to take his turn to be as breathless. Feliciano stood, pulling Ludwig to do the same, moving them forward in a familiar starting that the taller could not deny.

 “Would you want all the gold I will find for you?

Would you like the songs I will bring from afar for you?

Would you accept me as your shield?

And would you want me always by your side?”

 And they began dancing, Ludwig’s voice as frivolous as the spins, as the jumps, as the holds with magic to spread across the room, the viewers by the door not being able to hold down any smiles.

 “I don’t want any of the riches you will bring

I don’t care for any of the songs

I only want you to hold

I only want your arms around me.”

 Feliciano continued, the song now strong on their heads, more powerful than even the melody that still rang from the chest. Their hold together as they swayed across the remained tight, yet free enough to expand their dance and imagine a feast of their own.

 “Bring me your love, your kisses, your loyalty,

Your passion, your hope, your defeat,

Your promise, your weakness, your strength,

I will keep it all in my heart.”

 By this time, Antonio, Lovino and Renata couldn’t hold themselves, they had come in, clapping along and laughing, Feliciano and Ludwig not minding it at all, it didn’t stop their own array of joy.

 “I’ll journey and see beyond the lines of our kingdom

Never a fear to be lost, never a fear to fall

In pleasure, I will take the mysteries of what I could meet

If you accept to be mine, my King.”

 And with one last flourishing spin Ludwig had taken Feliciano in, practically screaming the last bits of the song, they finished, yet still laughing, with shinning glows in their expression that the rest joined them in.

 Excited gibberish sprung in the air, the euphoria still too intense to really focus on proper words and communication, instead settling with these claps and the continuing laughter that kept the room beautifully alight.  

 “That was beautiful,” Renata complimented.

 “It was just like old times!” Antonio added.

 “I never thought I would actually get excited over watching you too be so sappy with each other,” Lovino said.

 Feliciano and Ludwig were still too happy to really comment on their presence, they continued to answer with laughter, giggles, even blushes.

 “You have to come, quickly!” It was all interrupted with the sudden crash entrance of Kandake, worried, fretting, even sweating with sudden harsh labor.

 It stilled all like ice.

 “What’s wrong?” Renata asked.

 “It’s Augustus!”

 In a rush they all found themselves in the upper areas of the house where his room was located. They met a scene of surrounding people, most those of the White Kingdom, along with a doctor and nurse from the village, and some of the servants.

 “It’s not working!”

 “He still can’t breathe!”

 “Signore Vargas, we need you to lay down!”

 “I need more towels!”

 “Pass me the Jairus potion!”

 They all fretted and shouted.

 Renata and Lovino were quick to join the group, trying their best to calm their shaking, sweating and breathless father and grandfather. Ludwig went to help with the extra towels they needed, and Feliciano…was petrified. He couldn’t find his movements, everything around him moving like a blur, the lost look in his grandfather’s eyes one of the most terrifying things he had seen in his life, keeping him in his unsureness of what to do.  

 “Feliciano! Come on!” His brother’s desperate shout was enough of a shake to bring back reaction to the arising queen. He quickly joined the rest in trying to calm the man by rubbing the pain away, putting potions and medicines, using the towels to clean the heavy sweat or to just get him to talk or calm down.

 They ended up using a very strong and difficult tranquilizing spell, the only one of the countless that managed to bring calm to the old man, settling him back into a heavy rest, yet still looking pained with every released breath. They all remained close and attentive, as if holding still to the fretting body, waiting for the continuation. When minutes passed on and the room took dreaded silence, some of the servants, even the nurse, thought it well to depart, leaving the doctor, Abasi and Kandake to watch over Augustus, still doing their check up over what just happened. The rest, still shaken and anxious remained in the distance, silent between themselves, their hands either rubbing harshly over the other or patting one’s back to ease.

 Done and sure, the three turned towards the family, their expressions showing a downcast and held words that the family knew were to pierce and destroy.

 “What…. what happened?” Renata spoke out the question that all held.

 The three looked among themselves, silently deciding who was going to word the answer, Kandake taking a deep breath and moving forward to speak.

 “Augustus lost energy…a lot of energy, enough to loose his breath, to weaken his brain, his heart, lungs and many other organs in his body. Many things are starting to become unresponsive and it is only spreading throughout.” She was afraid to continue with the rest, especially when she spotted the watering in Renata’s eyes. “It’s…the final stage of his sickness.”

 It was the sharp pain like needles to make them realize and react, what weakened their legs, what brought the tears and the despair to their hearts.

 “Final stage…fi-final stage?” Feliciano questioned through the reddening and the tears beginning their fall over his cheeks.

 This would be the hardest part to say.

 “I’m sorry, but he’s now going through something natural that we cannot go against, a point where there’s nothing we can do…but prepare.”

 “Prepare? Prepare for what?” Lovino was reaching exasperation even with his own tears.

 Kandake knew that this was the moment she had to be clear. “He’s dying.”

[restorerjourney]

Remix so far

September 9, 2021

The first two weeks were rough. I was in Oahu about 6 years ago and it was one of the most relaxing places I’ve ever been to! So I was asking myself two weeks ago why I am so stressed now? it wasn’t easy feeling stressed with the unknown and having to deal with what I was going to do with my future. I would unconsciously clench my jaw and have jaw pain at the end of the day. My acne flared up to the worst it has been which made me more stressed and question why God was allowing this. We as a team had a lot of moments of miscommunication because of our living situation initially. I also felt I was having troubles with a different person each day. Living in close proximity with 15 people and one toilet...let me tell you, is truly sanctifying lol..but praise God we haven’t killed each other yet and our relationships as a family has gotten deeper than ever before.

In this season, God invited me to physically rest and enjoy this month which was very difficult because I was initially anxious. I was disappointed at first with my anxiety, because I felt all that I learned from DTS flew out the window, but by His grace, He walked with me to really enjoy my time here. It was a time I might not get to rest like this and one of the pastors here that we are affiliated with even lend his car to us for a whole month free of charge! This was.a blessing in disguise as a lot of us were getting low in our remaining funds. We mostly went to the beach, snorkeled, and hung out in cafes or at home. In the morning we had different speakers come and give us words of wisdom and their testimonies on how to transition back to our specific sphere of life God has placed us. Here are some gold nuggets that I compiled with the different speakers...

-try to understand your greatest weakness

-pursuing success is so different from pursuing obedience

*Who am I becoming by what I do today?..your future changes by what you do today.

-What am I going to bring from YWAM to the world?

-What is the biggest problem in the world? It is the lack of understanding who God is.

-The more you understand who God is, the more life make sense.

-The two greatest moment in your life. The moment you were born and the moment you know why.

-Did you know that God is fun?

-You are investing in yourself to invest others. 

-Every story in the bible is to teach you character.

-Your talents take you to the top but your character is what keeps you there. 

-If you see a reward for change, you will always change. It’s a mindset! 

-Only place you can grow in God is usually in discomfort

-God always rewards those who obey

-Delayed obedience = disobedience

-To hear God, obey God, and let Him deal with the consequences.

-It’s always right, to do what’s right, even if you don’t feel like it. Everyday we face this decision.

-Our generation wants the reward before obedience. Our reward for obeying God is more responsibility but our generation wants less responsibility.

-Am I living inside a box of comfort? the known? the dependent on self? Outside of the box is when we are truly depending on God and He is inviting you. It’s called faith. 

-How are you reshaping your lifestyle to follow Christ instead of fitting the traditional life style?

-Christ follower lifestyle is to follow Matthew 28:16-20 and 22: 37-40. 

-Am I worried about surviving? With the mentality of surviving, you stepped out of God’s hand and are trying to taking things in your control. 

-In my lifestyle, how do I feel and where does this come from? A lot of the times it is lack of rest.

-In my lifestyle, am I a new creation of God? 

-Did you know comparison is a sin? God never compares you with someone else.

-When we abide in Jesus, we get to live in so much freedom!

-Everything belongs to God. If you buy bread at the grocery store, did you create that bread? How could one say it is theirs when they didn’t create it? When you were born, could you claim and say it is your life? Did you make that decision while you were being born? When you harvest a crop, could you say it is yours? Did you make it grow or did you only plant the seeds and water it? All belongs to Him.

-God’s kingdom works like water...flowing from where there is abundance to the lowest place and it evens out. 

During this process of rest and spending time with God and community, He asked me one day what I would like to do after DTS. He also asked me what would make me happy? I thought of so many different choices but I realized in the end, I just wanted to follow Jesus. I want what’s best and I trust Jesus gives me the best so I’ll follow Him. I just honestly couldn’t imagine my life without Him and I want to live in the new freedom I’ve gained in Christ to the next chapter God is taking me. During that time, one of the speakers named Tom and Cindy Baeur came and left such a lasting impression on me. They are in their 70′s who started a ministry and non-profit organization called Surf the nations 10 years ago. Personally they are solid in Christ, truly exemplifying what a man and woman of godly character looks like, and their lifestyle is close to what I would like to do when I am at their age. Their obedience to God is evident by the fruits in their ministry. They felt that the Lord called them to market themselves as a nonprofit organization which has opened so many doors to those who do not know Christ and even other countries like North Korea. They got the opportunity there to develop relationships with them and share the gospel. They have a passion for investing in the youth and being a light into their communities locally and globally. They run a discipleship program similar to YWAM but it’s only 3 months long. Another fruit is the impact they made in their community locally. Through God’s supernatural provision and their “yes” to following Him, they were able to purchase a strip of buildings where it used to be part of the red light district here in Oahu. What was a porn shop became a self-sustainable coffee shop to support this organization. What was a strip club and liquor store, is now a boutique and surf shop where all proceeds goes to help the organization and empower other small businesses globally. This is just scratching the surface. 

Long story short, during my DTS and doing life with my team, I had the opportunity to learn more about my gifts and talents God has given me. I also have been walking in faith to what I believe God is leading me towards starting a business. Before DTS, business was the last thing I would want to do because my mom owns one and I saw how it robbed my mom’s attention from our family. I also couldn’t imagine what a Christian business would look like. I just knew if I were to do business, I would want it to be self-sustainable, to be a light in my community, and to impact globally either directly or indirectly by empowering the weak and marginalized communities. I just couldn’t imagine it was possible until I saw their organization and what God was doing. I also realized that when I am old, I could see myself so much happier impacting and discipling the younger generation and doing missions till the day I die. I felt like finally I made a realization to what truly makes me alive and flourish and it is to be in the mission field following Christ wherever He chooses to take me. 

That’s when I felt a pull in my heart from God to consider doing a leadership training program with Surf the Nations which consists of 15 months of missionary living. Three months are dedicated to training, and the 12 months is to activate what has been trained. Because they are a pioneering organization and they are launching a business ministry as well, I felt the timing couldn’t be more perfect. 

So for now I am saying “yes” to what I believe God is calling me to join the Surf the Nations Leadership Training Program here in Oahu for the next year and a half! 

Am I scared? Heck yea. But I’m just called to walk in obedience and allow God to confirm as I walk in faith. I’m still praying through the process and I believe God will clearly confirm it to me in His perfect time and He will open and close doors if this is from Him. 

Prayer request:

1) To enjoy the rest and community that we have with each other before we depart back to our homes

2) My mom is coming this Sunday and I believe God is using this time to help her experience possibly the next chapter in my life as I decide to move to Oahu.

3) To focus my eyes on Christ as He walks me towards the next chapter in my life.To not let fear, comparison, doubts, and other opinions hinder me from walking in obedience to Him.

Mahalo~

Alicia Kim

[nellpire]

[171222] Nell Official 2017 Photobook Fan Q&A (translation)

1. You are about to reach your 20th anniversary.. What do you think when you see fans maturing(!) together with you? Do you have any questions for the fans? Jongwan: Standing tickets or seated tickets, what’s better? Jaekyung: Though it’s intimate, since we only meet in concert halls, sometimes it feels a bit surreal^^  We can’t meet often but I’m always happy and grateful to see you… - A question for the fans / Why do you like Nell…?  Junghoon: I’m always thankful. And I feel a sense of kinship with you since we’re maturing together. And of course happy that we’ve been able to be together for this long through music.

2. What part of the chicken do you guys like the best?  Jongwan: Wings Jaekyung: Hahahaha / Wings vs tenderloin Junghoon: For chicken, wings are the way to go.

3. Please introduce your individual instruments! I want to organize Nell’s room. Please check any incorrect entries.  Jongwan: I think they’re too many to introduce; when we record we use about 13 different guitars and 12 different synthesizers.  Jaekyung: If I were to introduce the ones we use for concerts only.. Fender stratocaster (lemon) - Jeff beck signature Fender stratocaster (red) - Greg tessler masterbuilt PRS-custom24 Suhr - Scott Henderson signature Gibson 355 - Standard Gibson 355 - Historic Gibson Lespaul 59 - Historic Schecter Telecaster - Lee Jaekyung Custom model (a gift from Schecter Japan~^^) James Tyler Telecaster - Mongoose Retro Gene Baker B3 - Humburker Gene Baker B3 - P90 Morgan Acoustic Guitar - Jumbo orchestra  Taylor Guitar - 414CE Nylon Bogner Shiva amp 20th anniversary Nord stage2 88

4. What is ripped jeans to Jongwan wanja-nim? Jongwan: Clothes that would be okay even if they ripped even more.

5. Which instrument does Jongwan feel the coolest while playing? Wan is cute when playing the drums!  Jongwan: Guitar

6. How do each of you deal with stress? Jongwan: Alcohol, sleep Jaekyung: Deep sleep or heavy exercise Junghoon: Movies, games, music, travel Jaewon: Alcohol, friends, parties

7. I’ve just come back to Korea after studying in Russia for 6 years. I learned that Russian people all enjoy rock music (I often saw grandmothers with Nickelback songs for their ringtone and grandfathers with AC/DC for their ringtones. Seriously…!). Do you have any plans to advance into Russia?  Jongwan: Spasiba Jaekyung: We went with Seo Taiji to perform in Vladivostok in 2004, and I could feel how the country loves rock music. How much they like alcohol and how cold it is also suits Nell well k I’d like to try it if we get a chance.  Junghoon: Any place where people listen to our music and we can perform would be good, of course. Russia go go.

8. Is there a Korean musician who you want to be like or respect? Also, is there a person who you look at and think ‘let’s not become like them’? For the last question I’m more curious about whether you have someone like that or not, not who it is.  Jongwan: I respect Lee Seunghwan-nim / Way too many Junghoon: I respect all musicians who go forward playing their own music, whether they are seniors or juniors. As for the last question, we definitely do.

9. Do you have any plans on doing this (Q&A) regularly? Aren’t you curious about the fans’ thoughts? Jongwan: We have ‘plans’.  Jaekyung: I think it’d be fun to do this in some shape or form every once in a while!

10. What electronics or instruments are you interested in recently? Jongwan: UNFAIRCHILD 670 M II  Junghoon: Playstation VR / Rolan Gaia

11. What song would you like to play a cover of at least once? Jaekyung: Purple Rain - Prince (even though not doing it would be better) Jongwan: Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley version

12. Any songs you want to play as Jung Jaewon band? kk Jaekyung: Beat it - Michael Jackson (even though not doing it would be better) Junghoon: Celine Dion’s Power of Love Jongwan: Nessun Dorma

13. Can you recommend us a movie, exhibition, concert, book etc that you’ve enjoyed this year?  Jongwan: I, Daniel Blake Jaewon: The movie Maudie Junghoon: Manchester by the Sea, and for concerts Depeche Mode

14. If you could transcend time and space and meet one person in the whole world, who would it be?  Jongwan: It’s not a person, but I’d like to see a huge dinosaur in real life. Junghoon: Rather than a meeting, I’d like to go to a Nirvana concert.

15. If you could give the fans anything (with no regards to cost, and it doesn’t need to be an object) what would it be? Jaekyung: Our unreleased songs (minus the bad ones k)

16. Jaekyung oppa, when you record entire concerts the file size must be insane, so how many external hard drives do you have? Do you have more Kumamon plushies or more external hard drives?  Jaekyung: I have 5 hard drives. And I have 2 Kumamons that the fans gave to me k (the picture I uploaded on instagram was taken in a store hahaha)

17. Which out of your own songs are you the most pleased with? Jongwan: ‘What do you think’ Jaekyung: ‘Farewell’ Junghoon: ‘12 Seconds’ Jaewon: ‘12 Seconds’

18. If someone other than Jongwan hyung-nim were to take the role of vocalist in Nell, who would suit it the best? Jongwan: There’s no way.

19. Can you please show us the Selfish Love music video just one more time? Jongwan: No. Jaekyung: We can’t.  Junghoon: How could we ever?

20. Jaekyung-nim, you know you’re good-looking, right? Jaekyung: Of course^^

21. I’m curious about your individual ways of overcoming painful experiences (alcohol and cigarettes, that’s no no, minus those two!)  Jongwan: The thought that I would still have a hard time even if this didn’t happen. Jaekyung: If I can solve it then I do, and if I can’t then I do as much as I can, accept it and let time heal. Junghoon: I just keep thinking about it. Immerse myself in it. Then it will slowly start to get better.

22. If you only had one day left to live, how would you spend it? Jongwan: First I’d say goodbye to my family, then spend 8 hours in the studio before putting on a concert and finishing off with an afterparty with people I love.  Jaekyung: I don’t know if there’s anything specific I’d want to do -- I think I’d listen to the songs we were unable to finish and then say my goodbyes.  Junghoon: I’d be with my family. Jaewon: I’d watch the sunset by the ocean.

23. How come Junghoon has never once shown us a bass solo? And as you always use a pick instead of fingering (of course using a pick will sound better on some songs but), is there a reason for that?  Junghoon: I will work hard.

24. How do you release everyday stress?  Jongwan: Travel

25. What pictures do you use as your kakaotalk profile pictures and cover photos.. k (Jaekyung uses a cover photo of a street full of fallen leaves and no profile photo, Jaewon uses a picture from the movie Maudie)

26. I’m curious about the members’ favorite movies. Also, is there a movie that has influenced your music, like how you got your name from the movie Nell? Jongwan: Stay, Never let me go Junghoon: I like too many movies so it’s hard to choose, but Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind comes to mind.  Jaewon: Lords of Dogtown, Stand By Me, Gilbert Grape

27. If you were a color, what would it be? And please tell us the reason as well. Jongwan: Grey Jaekyung: (picture of… the moon..?)

I love you. Junghoon: Me too.

28. Who cries the most out of the members? Jongwan: Me and Jaewon. Junghoon: Could be me. Jaewon: I don’t know who does the most, but Jaekyung cries the least.

29. Who do you think will get married next? Jongwan: Don’t

30. I’m sad because I can’t go to this year’s christmas concert, and I’m a 13-year fan who wishes to receive a signed CD at some point. I like you so much that I want to ask a question this badly. I love how pretty the album art is; do you decide on the design yourselves? Jongwan: We decide on the concept, the designer makes the art.

31. To. Jung Jaewon / Do you have other hobbies aside from surfing and skateboarding?  Jaewon: Drawing, hiking.

32. To. NELL & SPACE BOHEMIAN / Who first coined the phrase ‘seubo-in’?? Do you like it? Jongwan: I like it. Junghoon: Was it Jongwan who used it first? I don’t know too well, but I like it.

33. Is there a singer you’d like to work with?  Jaewon: The late Shin Haecheol-nim.

34. Chicken vs Pizza Jaekyung: Pizza Junghoon: Chicken Jongwan: Complete victory by the pizza

35. Jongwan oppa, I remember hearing you say on Nell’s Cruel Radio that you like to read. Please recommend me a good book. Jongwan: Blindness (José Saramago)

36. What’s the most memorable performance you’ve seen? Jaekyung: I’ve seen too many, but the ones that come to mind now are Black Sabbath in Korea, 1995 / Steve Vai in Korea, 1997 / Metallica in Korea, 1998 / Roger Waters in Korea, 2002 / Marilyn Manson in Korea, 2003 / Nine Inch Nails in Korea, 2007 / Björk in New York, 2012 / Paul McCartney in Korea, 2015 / Among those, Roger Waters’ (Pink Floyd) concert was the most memorable to me. / As for Nell, it’ll be this year’s December concert. ^^  Junghoon: That’s a difficult question. Off the top of my head, The Verve live in Japan. Their charisma was astounding.

37. Do you have any thoughts of letting us know the lyrics in the backmasked parts of your songs? Jongwan: No. Junghoon: I don’t think so.

38. Can you reveal the playlists you’ve been listening to recently? Jongwan: Currently listening to this year’s Christmas concert setlist. Jaewon: Elbow, Death Cab for Cutie.

39. What are each of your favorite foods?! Jaekyung: Galbi, lobster, soy marinated crab, (bigmac)  Junghoon: Braised spicy chicken Jongwan: There’s too many. Beijing-style duck, steak, pasta, Pyongyang style cold noodles etc.

40. When will Jongwan oppa do a V app live in your house like you said you would? Junghoon: Did he say that? Jongwan: Soon.

41. Junghoon oppa, at some point you started recording the fans with your camcorder -- do you…watch those back..?? Also, you’re taking a lot of pictures with your film camera recently. Have you been influenced by Simz oppa to do that, or is there another reason? Please reveal a few cuts that you’re pleased with! Junghoon: I’ve seen all of them at least once. I edited some (of the videos) and posted them on social media. I was taking pictures with a digital camera using a filter to make the pictures look like they were taken with a film camera, and so I thought ‘if this is how it’ll turn out, I should buy an actual film camera’, so I did. I don’t know anything about photography so I’m just taking pictures with my P&S.

42. Please tell us a song you’re disappointed with from each album, or a song you don’t like, and the reason for your choices, please. Or an album you’re displeased with. Jongwan: Walk Through Me. I think we could give each song a more fitting sound if we were to record that album now.  Junghoon: ‘Reflection of’, ‘Speechless’. At the end of the day, it’s a pity how they turned out. If we had been a bit more skilled at recording and writing, I think they could have turned into a little bit, or a lot better albums.

43. If you were to be reincarnated, what would you like to be born as? Jongwan: A dolphin living in a place no human has ever touched. Junghoon: Wonbin.

44. What do you think when you see your increasing amount of male fans? I’m a fanboy too, haha!  Jongwan: It feels good. Jaekyung: It’s good to see. The sceaming (of the crowd) became thicker! I understand now!!  Junghoon: It’s great.

45. When do you recruit workers for Space Bohemian? (My ultimate goal is to become an employee there… just wait…)  Jongwan: 11AM~8PM

46. Do you use Logic (music editing software) or Pro Tools more? If you use both, which is better?  Jongwan: We don’t use Logic, we use Cubase and Pro Tools. We use Cubase up until the recording, then change to Pro Tools for the final phase.

47. Junghoon-nim, please let us know what brand of sunglasses you wear!  Junghoon: I wear several different ones, but my favorite is Karl Lagerfeldt.

48. I’m curious as to what you’re thinking about! Jongwan: It changes a lot. Jaekyung: I think most of what’s in my head goes into our albums!  Junghoon: All kinds of tremendous desires.

49. What is Bori’s gender?! Junghoon: She’s a girl

50. Is Junghoon-nim’s Bori doing well? Do you have any plans to open a separate instagram account with just pictures of her? Junghoon: Yes, she’s doing well. I don’t think I’ll make another instagram account.

51. I’ll give you a multiple choice question. How long will you continue making music? A. Until I die / B. Until all I have left is the strength to hold a spoon / C. For 50 more years / D. Until our 70th debut anniversary Jaekyung: A Junghoon: A Jongwan: If possible, A.

52. Is it okay to ask for a signature if I see you on the street? It is okay to let you know I know who you are? I love you.  Jaekyung: Yes.  Junghoon: Please be our friend. Jongwan: We don’t go out a lot, so.

53. What are your favorite Coldplay / Muse songs? Any songs you intend to play live sometime? Jaekyung: Coldplay: Gravity / Muse: Exogenesis: Symphony part 3 Junghoon: Coldplay: True Love / Muse: Stockholm Syndrome

54. What’s your most used apps?  Jongwan: Lotte cinema Jaekyung: Hi-Q recorder / Soundhound / Producer tools / Metronome / Boss tuner  Junghoon: Naver cloud. Coupang. Jaewon: Navigation.

55. Tell us about a movie you’ve seen within the last 3 months that left a deep impression, whether it was good or bad. Junghoon: The Outlaws. “Do you know who I am?”

56. What’s your favorite time of day?  Jongwan: 9PM~5AM. Jaekyung: One hour before the sun sets. Junghoon: The space between midnight and 4am. Jaewon: Just because the sun rises.

57. To Junghoon and Jaekyung: Who’s your Twice bias? Jaewon: Tzuyu.

58. To all: What’s your favorite cover of one of your songs? Jaekyung: Taeyeon’s Time Spent Walking Through Memories Jongwan: Kim Feel’s Time Spent Walking Through Memories. Jaewon: Time Spent Walking Through Memories.

[tanadrin]

Utopia: A How-To Guide

So, I picked up "Utopia For Realists" by Rutger Bregman at Dussman yesterday, somewhat intrigued by its title; based on the blurbs inside the cover and the summary on the back, I was expecting something, well, a lot more utopian: a look at crazy pie in the sky ideas which sound terribly interesting but also are ridiculously impractical. In reality, the book is much more modest. It's basically a 250-page, meticulously footnoted argument for a modest progressive political program, written in an informal and approachable style, which has some (fairly restrained) rebukes in it toward leftism that's more about shoring up the identities of activists, or aiming at poorly defined abstract goals than actually improving people's lives. I don't think many people reading this will substantially disagree with the ideas Bregman presents, but he condenses a lot of persuasive arguments in favor of them into a single place, and in a form which I think is likelier to appeal to the average person interested in politics as opposed to the average rationalist-adjacent Tumblr user.

Notes I made and passages I highlighted:

The opening chapter is basically about how much *better* the modern world is than the world of the recent past; this is probably obvious to anybody who's at all sympathetic to Whig history or interested in technological progress/transhumanism, but Bregman is making a larger point here: a lot of the things that were hilariously impossible Utopian dreams in the past we have achieved, and we've achieved them precisely because people were capable of imagining absurd Utopias, and refused to give up on them until they achieved them. In contrast, Bregman contends, most contemporary politics is patching minor deficiencies in the current system--important, to be sure, but this work doesn't provide a structure for forward progress, and we're in danger of stalling out, and letting runaway income inequality and other issues derail our forward momentum as a civilization--and cause a lot of unnecessary pain in the process. I really like the chart on p. 3, which charts life expectancy and per capita income across the world in 1800 versus today; even the most wretched country in the 21st century is doing better than the most prosperous country in 1800. The Netherlands (Bregman's home) and the U.S. had life expectancies of about 40 and per capita incomes of about $3,000 or less in 1800; even Sierra Leone and the Congo are doing better in terms of life expectancy now, and a large but still developing country like India is trouncing U.S. per capita income in 1800. The world has gotten a *lot* better, in other words, even if it still has a long way to go.

p. 7-8: Bregman cites a figure saying that vaccines against measles, tetanus, whooping cough, diphtheria, and polio, which are notable for all being "dirt cheap", have saved more lives than would peace would have in the 20th century. That's a frankly astonishing figure, if true. His source: https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/bj-rn-lomborg-identifies-the-areas-in-which-increased-development-spending-can-do-the-most-good

p.9: For people concerned about IQ, Bregman points out that IQ has gone up an average of 3-5 points every ten years due to improved nutrition and education. This reinforces my belief that any attempt to work out whether IQ actually varies significantly among different human populations due to genetic factors is basically doomed from the get-go, since that information is hopelessly confounded by other factors (and because an evolutionary biologist once told me strongly selected-for traits like intelligence is in humans should be expected to vary by very little in any species; if IQ did vary strongly among between populations for genetic reasons, it would be *very unusual* in that regard).

p. 12-15: Bregman wants to distinguish between two kinds of Utopia: "blueprint" utopias, as he calls them, where you decide what the Utopia looks like ahead of time and how to get there, and then spend all your time and energy forcing society to fit that mold--via revolution, dictatorship, terror, etc., whatever means will achieve your ends--verses a more ideal (idealistic?) kind of utopia that's about broadening possibilities of the future. This is more just about not saying "no" reflexively to weird ideas: instead of saying "Ah, UBI is nice but it's a crazy idea," you look at what it *would* take to achieve it. This also entails being able to criticize your own ideas--and to adapt them when they prove not to be working. Honestly, I don't think this is necessarily utopianism at all: I think this is ordinary progressive politics, seeing a critical flaw in society and demanding we work our utmost to change it rather than saying "good enough." If this feels utopian then it's because our standards for what is achievable have fallen sharply in the last thirty or forty years (more on that later).

p. 17-19: Even Bregman is not immune from the occasional tiresome moral panic. Angst about narcissism in a pampered generation; none of this is central to his thesis, though, just shallow culture criticism.

p. 34: Discussion of the Mincome experiment in Canada, which was started by a lefty government in Manitoba, shut down by a righty government that came to power after them, and whose results remained unanalyzed in for decades in the National Archives. The researcher who dug up these files after they sat gathering dust for years and years? Evelyn Forget. You cannot make this stuff up. (@slatestarscratchpad, I know he appreciates this kind of thing).

p. 37-8: I knew about Mincome; I read an article about it a while back, when UBI was just getting into the news. I did not know there were four other UBI experiments in North America around the same time, all in the U.S. The U.S., in fact, for a tantalizing moment in the Nixon administration, was relatively close to implementing something like UBI, as a way of eradicating poverty. For various reasons, including a century-and-a-half old British government report (more on that later), the bill failed; but America came very close to implementing a safety net that by the standards of our present political moment is *very* Utopian. And, I can't stress this enough, this was under Richard Nixon.

p. 55-62: A section entitled "Why Poor People Do Dumb Things," which basically takes various scientific studies and uses them to argue that poverty 1) makes idiots of us all; 2) is self-perpetuating, and as a result 3) is really, really hard to escape unless the immediate cause of the psychological stress it produces--i.e., an acute lack of money--is removed. Also probably a good answer for why poor *societies* continue to be poor; I can't imagine these cognitive limitations Bregman is talking about go away just because more of your society is experiencing them.

p. 58: "So in concrete terms, just how much dumber does poverty make you? 'Our effects correspond to between 13 and 14 IQ points,' Shafir says. 'That's comparable to losing a night's sleep or the effects of alcoholism.'" I don't know much about IQ, but I feel like 13-14 IQ points is *a lot of IQ points.* And again: the fact that this effect is so large makes me think any attempt to search out a genetic source for IQ variation is futile.

p. 59 mentions an interesting experiment to control for individual variation in IQ by comparing the performance on cognitive tests of farmers in India who make almost all their income right at harvest. Just before and just after harvest gives an opportunity to compare differences in performance  when cash is tight versus when cash isn't night in the same group of people (the effect found in other experiments, including ones in the developed world, seeemd to hold).

p. 68: Arguments with lefty types like my family often result in somebody bringing up the fact that capitalism necessitates the creation of a poor underclass, to which everyone promptly agrees as if this is the most obvious or well-studied fact in human history. This drives me *nuts*, because it's one of those wild overreaching statements that makes an *empirical assertion* about a facet of economics and society that, being empirical, should be verifiable or falsifiable (or which at least some form of evidence for or against could be acquired). But I've never seen a single study cited in support of this notion; never seen even a lazy historical analogy drawn between societies experiencing similar conditions but with different economic systems to support this argument. It's Aristotle-level laziness about the empirical universe: Capitalism is bad, poverty is bad, therefore capitalism causes poverty. I know I'm the world's worst leftist, but things like this are why: we would rather repeatedly assert a statement which comforts us that we are on the right side of history than critically investigate the assertion (repeated by a legion of leftist political philosophers) that might require us to confront the fact that the leftist understanding of economics is... deficient. To say the least. And that if you are going to make empirical assertions about the structure of society and about its economic organization, you had better know what you're talking about, or you run the risk of creating a leftist empire built on ideology that collapses when it is forced to confront reality. *coughtheentirewarsawpactcough* On p. 68, Bregman cites an *actual* example of an economic system that necessitates the existence of an underclass. It's mercantilism, the system capitalism replaced (and which has been lifting hundreds of millions of people out of extreme poverty ever since).

Dryly observing the fact that capitalism has lifted hundreds of millions of people out of extreme poverty, of course, gets you tarred and feathered as a neoliberal or even (inexplicably) a fascist in some leftist circles (like my family). It doesn't matter if you still think capitalism has grievous shortcomings; you must participate in the Ritual of Blaming Everything on Capitalism in order to qualify as a real leftist, apparently, which makes me feel like one of those Dutch atheists in the 17th century who had to say "well of *course* God exists" before being able to make my argument as to why burning bushes aren't real and basing your society on a Bronze age ethnic mythology from the Middle East is a terrible idea.

p. 70-71: It's weird to lump Utah and the Netherlands into the same category, but the two polities in the 21st century who seem to have first discovered how to eliminate homelessness are... Utah and the Netherlands. Spoiler alert: giving people homes is relatively cheap.

p. 79: Speenhamland, which sounds like a budget brand of meat spread you occasionally see in the grocery store but never have the courage to try, is really the source of a lot of our problems around just giving poor people money. We can, strange as it sounds, probably blame an obscure, 170-year-old English experiment in basic income, and the inquiry that followed it, for the failure of the idea during the Nixon administration--and, subsequently, the U.S.'s rightward shift toward welfare 'reform,' a revival of the notion that there is deserving and undeserving poverty, and that if you're poor, it's because you're lazy.

Martin Anderson, one of Nixon's advisors, used excerpts from Karl Polanyi's "The Great Transformation"--specifically, the bits about the Speenhamland system--to turn Nixon off his plan for the Family Security System in 1969. Polanyi presented a damning indictment of the Speenhamland system based on the parliamentary inquiry used to justify dismantling it, and indeed the original report was harshly critical of the system. Trouble is, the report was mostly written before the results of the inquiry were gathered; and the numerous surveys and interviews conducted during the inquiry were almost entirely aimed, not at the people who actually benefitted from the Speenhamland system, but clergy and landowners who were critical of it from the beginning. The comissioner responsible for the report had written the draconian Poor Laws he wanted to implement before the report was even begun; even the leftist criticisms (from Marx and Engels) of government assistance were based on the lies of Speenhamland, alienating the left from its natural ally when it came to alleviating the condition of the poor, i.e., the only institution in society powerful enough to solve massive coordination issues like wealth redistribution. Lucky for us, modern leftists don't regard Marx and Engels as writers of scripture whom we dare not criticize for their imperfect knowlede of economics that is 200 years out of--wait, shit.

p.88 spells out for the first time in anything I've read what the demographic transition actually entails; I've always been slightly muddled as to why people want to have less kids when they get richer; if nothing else, if people like having kids and they have more money to support them, why wouldn't they have more? I always figured I was just missing something. And I was! People don't have lots of kids pre-demographic transition because they like having kids; they have lots of kids because that's the only insurance they have that when they're old there will be someone to care for them. More children provide more economic stability; so when society is more prosperous, when you can save money to retire on, and when the government implements a safety net, the birth rate drops--down to a level which more closely resembles how much people *actually like* having children. Having birth control available helps; but sometimes it just means people marrying later, or (probably) having different kinds of sex. This implies 1) modernity isn't 'destroying families,' it's just that people don't like having big families nearly as much as either the traditionalists or the evolutionary psychologists would assume, and 2) the demographic transition is probably permanent, i.e., we're not going to see the birth rate mysteriously start creeping upward in a hundred years in rich societies once we've adapted to our current levels of affluence. (Most) people just don't like having kids as much as we might naively assume.

A lot of bonus stuff in this part from people like Malthus who woefully misunderstood the psychology of poverty. And, sadly, their ideas are actually not all that out of date.

p. 91-2: "Now and then politicians are accused of taking too little interest in the past. In this case, however, Nixon was perhaps taking too much. Even a century and a half after the fatal report, the Speenhamland myth was still alive and kicking. When Nixon's bill foundered in the Senate, conservative thinkers began lambasing the welfare state, using the very same misguided argumetns applied back in 1834.

These arguments echoed in 'Wealth and Poverty,' the 1981 mega-bestseller by George Gilder that would make him Reagan's most cited author and that characterized poverty as a moral problem rooted in laziness and vice. And they appeared again a few years later in 'Loosing Ground,' an influential book in which the conservative sociologist Charles Murray recycled the Speenhamland myth. Government support, he wrote, would only undermine the sexual morals and work ethic of the poor.

It was like Townsend and Malthus all over again, but as one historian rightly notes, 'Anywhere you find poor people, you also find non-poor people theorizing their cultural inferiority and dysfunction.' Even former Nixon adviser Daniel Moynihan stopped believing in a basic income when divorce rates were initially thought to have spiked during the Seattle pilot program, a conclusion later debunked as a mathematical error."

p. 95: "Lately, developed nations have been doubling down on this sort of 'activating' policy for the jobless, which runs the gamut from job-application workshops to stints picking up trash, and from talk therapy to LinkedIn training. No matter if there are ten applicants for every job, the problem is consistently attributed not to demand, but to supply. That is to say, the unemployed who haven't developed their 'employment skills' or simply haven't given it their best shot."

Related: every time I see somebody say something about how all we need to do is train West Virginia coal miners to code, I want to bang my head on a wall. Look, I've never met any West Virginian coal miners, but I have known middle aged people from the South who use a computer maybe for an hour a week, and maybe from within your bubble computer skills are something anybody can easily acquire, because everyone you know is comfortable in that environment and easily navigates the metaphors of, say, object-oriented programming and smartphone interfaces, but I *promise* you the problem is so much harder than you understand. It's a proposal that is at once condescending and infuriatingly naive, and unfortunately it's a general pattern that applies to a lot of the bandaid solutions people have for the growing American precariat. Just give them money. Let them decide what they need. Just give them money!

p. 104: Bergman is frustrated by the shortfalls of GDP as a measure of a country's prosperity--and don't worry, he's not impressed by Bhutan's "Gross National Happiness" either. "Bhutan rocks the chart in its own index, which conveniently leaves out the Dragon King's dictatorship and the ethnic cleansing of the Lhotshampa." (p.118)

He makes some good points--GDP is a more subjective measure than people like to admit; it's hard to measure the produce of certain kinds of work, like Wikipedia which provides tons of practical value to society but is free; in GDP terms the ideal citizen is a compulsive gambler with cancer going through a drawn-out divorce he copes with using massive amounts of antidepressants.

p. 106: "Mental illness, obesity, pollution, crime - in terms of GDP, the more the better [because fixing these problems generates economic activity]. That's why the country with the planet's highest per capita GDP, the United States, also leads in social problems. 'By the standards of the GDP,' says the writer Jonathan Rowe, 'the worst families in America are those that actually function as families - that cook their own meals, take walks after dinner, and talk together instead of just farming the kids out to the commercial culture." OK, there's a little bit of moral panic here, but the broader point is that if your policy goal is maximizing GDP, you're not necessarily maximizing the things people want in their day to day lives; and if the GDP is growing, people aren't necessarily seeing consistent improvement in their lives. The real issue here is careful and nuanced construction of policy, which is probably doable, but kinda tough; Bergman isn't advocating a single alternative to the GDP, and admits even the GDP has its uses (though it most useful moment was probably during World War 2, when measuring the material amount of stuff the country could produce was most urgent).

This chapter also touches nicely on another annoying rhetorical reflex I find among lefties, the whole "resources are finite, the GDP can't grow forever." The GDP isn't a measure of the consumption of finite resources; it's a measure of money moving around in the economy (and hopefully of wealth being created). Non-tangible goods with no or very high limit on the resources they consume, like video games or hours of representation by a lawyer or sex work, all contribute to the GDP, and in an increasingly service-oriented economy the GDP can indeed continue to grow without necessarily substantially increasing resource consumption--especially if we're also making better use of the resources we harvest through, e.g., recycling and renewable energy. You know, things we've been pursuing eagerly for the last half-century. Seriously; do you even *care a little bit* about actually understanding what terms like 'GDP' mean?

p. 107: "The CEO who recklessly hawks mortgages and derivatives to lap up millions in bonuses currently contributes more to the GDP than a school packed with teachers or a factory full of char mechanics." Though I'm not sure how to correct something like this.

p. 108: More on the shortcomings of the GDP, and how in rich countries it's a poor correlate to actual prosperity. In developing countries, though, GDP is still mostly pretty good.

p. 117-119: Some alternatives to GDP, like Genuine Progress Indicator and Index of Sustainable Economic Welfare, which incorporate measures of pollution/crime/inequality. "In Western Europe, GPI has advanced a good deal slower than GDP, and in the U.S. it has even receded since the 1970s." Might explain why America feels so crummy compared to Europe whenever I go back there. Like, I don't deny that some parts are fantastically prosperous, but I don't see how anyone who isn't upper middle class can begin to afford to live in most of the U.S.

p. 120: On the absolute limits of economic efficiency. "Unlike the manufacture of a fridge or a car, history lessons and doctor's checkups can't simply be made 'more efficient.'" Well, maybe; there definitely are things in society that can't be, though I think those two are weak examples. He also talks about Baumol's Cost Disease, though in a way different from how I understood it when @slatestarscratchpad was discussing it; if I am understanding him correctly, Bregman says the phenomenon of prices increasing in labor intensive sectors doesn't reflect those sectors actually getting more expensive so much as society choosing to spend more money there, because we have more money to spend as a result of other sectors becoming more efficient.

"Shouldn't we be calling this a blessing, rather than a disease? After all the more efficient our factories and our computers, the less efficient our healthcare and education need to be; that is, the more time we have left to attend to the old and inform and to organize education on a more personal scale. Which is great, right? According to Baumol, the main impediment to allocating our resources toward such noble ends is 'the illusion that we cannot afford them.'

As illusions go, this one is pretty stubborn. When you're obsessed with efficiency and productivity, it's difficult to see the real value of education and care. Which is why so many politicians and taxpayers alike see only costs. They don't realize that the richer a country becomes the more it should be spending on teachers and doctors. Instead of regarding these increases as a blessing, they're viewed as a disease.

Yet unless we prefer to run our schools and hospitals as if they were  factories, we can be certain that, in the race against the machine, the costs of healthcare and education will only go up. At the same time, products like refrigerators and cars have become "too cheap". To look solely at the price of a product is to ignore a large share of its costs. In fact, a British think tank estimated that for every pound earned by advertising executives, they destroyed an equivalent of seven pounds in the form of stress, overconsumption, pollution, and debt; conversely, each pound paid to a trash collector creates an equivalent of twelve pounds in terms of health and sustainability."

p. 122: "Governing by numbers is the last resort of a country that no longer knows what it wants, a country with no vision of utopia." I actually disagree here: I think governing by numbers is in principle a fine idea. What's a terrible idea is governing by bad, ambiguous, or useless numbers. A bad measure of national well-being is no better than *no* measure; but you have to have some kind of yardstick or you're just guessing. Responsive policy has to have *something* to respond to.

p. 123-4: On the disillusionment of the inventor of GDP, Simon Kuznets, with the GDP.

p. 134: "But the most disappointing fail? The rise of leisure." I do believe that's the first time I've ever seen "fail" as a simple noun in print. Language marches on, lol.

p. 135-136: On the failure of the workweek to continue getting shorter, even once the size of the labor force increased upon women entering it. I admit that when it comes to a shorter workweek, I have Questions. In principle, yes, a more productive economy means more resources to spread around which means people having to work less; in practice, short of a basic income funded by big taxes on productivity, people working less means less taxable income for the government and less personal income. Nonetheless, the work week getting shorter from the beginning of the industrial revolution to the 70s or 80s or so was accompanied by an *increase* in people's incomes as wages rose. In other words, I'm saying I don't have a good understanding of the economic issues at play here, and I wish I understood them more clearly.

p. 139-140: On the shorter workweek increasing productivity. Henry Ford saw big productivity gains by decreasing his employees' work week from 60 to 40 hours, due to his workers being better-rested and happier. W.K. Kellogg, of cornflakes and masturbation fame, decreased the work day to six hours in 1930 at his factory in Battle Creek; productivity increased so much he hired 300 more people and reduced the accident rate by 41%. "The unit cost of production is so lowered that we can afford to pay as much for six hours as we formerly paid for eight." Nonetheless, there has to be a limit on the gains achievable by this sort of thing? Like, you wouldn't expect a half-hour workday to be commensurately more productive (or even productive at all).

Also the example is given of Edward Heath shortening the workweek to 3 days in 1973 in the U.K. in response to government expenditures rising, inflation, and mining strikes. "On January 1, 1974, he imposed a three-day workweek. Employers were not permitted to use more than three days' electricity until energy reserves had recovered. Steel magnates predicted that industrial production would plunge 50%. Government ministers feared a catastrophe. When the five day workweek was reinstated in March 1974, officials set about calculating the total extent of production losses. They had trouble believing their eyes: The grand total was 6%."

So there is a limit; but it's much lower than I expected. But if you gradually reduced working hours even to the point where productivity began to stagnate a little, this could have positive environmental benefits: one reason we have to worry about global warming is that our fossil fuel consumption is so high. So I dunno, even a really short work week like 3 days might not be such a bad idea, if it was approached gradually.

p. 143-144: Social benefits of less work. Apparently men who take paternity leave not only do more laundry and more housework as a result, but the effect is permanent even after they return to work. An unusual solution to a gender imbalance in unpaid labor, perhaps.

p. 150: For people who worry that lots of leisure time will make people lazy, there's a good Bertrand Russel quote here about how one reason people seem lazy these days when they're not working is because work takes up all their energy: i.e., if you work eight hours a day at a stressful job, maybe all you have the energy to do when you get home is play video games or watch TV. If you want people to do more and more interesting things with their lives, have them work less.

p. 154-155: Another way of looking at Graeber's "bullshit jobs" is as jobs which don't create wealth, but merely move it around.

p. 158-159: Fascinating historical case of a bank strike in Ireland in 1970. "Overnight, 85% of the country's reserves were locked down. ... businesses across Ireland began to hoard cash. ... At the outset, pundits predicted that life in Ireland would come to a standstill."

Spoiler alert: not much happened. The economy continued to grow; the expected paralysis from lack of available money did not appear. Contrast this against the strike by a group more useful to society (garbagemen in NYC) which paralyzes the city in less than a week, this strike lasted six months, and was entirely uneventful.

"After the bank closures, they continued writing checks to one another as usual, the only difference being they could no longer be cashed at a bank. Instead, that other dealer in liquid assets - the Irish pub - stepped in to fill the void. ... 'The managers of these retail outlets and public houses had a high degree of information about their customers,' explains the economist Antoin Murphy. 'One does not after all serve drink to someone for years without discovering something of his liquid resources.'"

Basically, a new, decentralized monetary system appeared overnight, built on the country's 11,000 pubs. The thing that served to help create paper money in Europe in the first place--personal promissory notes and informal networks of trust--served well enough during the strike to maintain the essential institution of paper money, and while it limited the availability of large loans for things like construction projects, it did rather undercut the claim that the financial sector performs some kind of utterly indespensible service the economy can't do without.

p. 161-162: In other words, just because something is difficult and concentrates wealth as a result (finance, say), doesn't mean it's necessarily valuable to the economy as a whole, or that it's creating wealth itself.

p. 165-6: Explicit invocation of Graeber's bullshit jobs. Look, I'm not entirely satisfied with Graeber's notion of the bullshit job; I'd like a more formal examination of how the economy could produce whole industries which are somehow superfluous to its operation. But it's striking how consistently people are willing to declare that, yeah, their own job is essentially bullshit, and thinking about how much genius and skill and knowledge is being soaked up by sections of the economy we could probably do without, and which could be applied to more important problems of human flourishing (like eradicating disease or ending poverty) is kinda terrifying.

p. 169: Bregman's contention is that badly-constructed policy seems to drive the creation of bullshit jobs, like taxing the wrong thing. "A study conducted at Harvard found that Reagan-era tax cuts sparked a mass career switch among the country's brightest minds, from teachers and engineers to bankers and accountants. Whereas in 1970 twice as many male Harvard grads were still opting for a live devoted to research over banking, twenty years later the balance had flipped.... The upshot is that we've all gotten poorer. For every dollar a bank earns, an estimated equivalent of 60 cents is destroyed elswhere in the economic chain." A financial transaction tax, Bregman argues, would get people doing work that's more useful (would create more wealth).

p. 169-171: Bregman touches briefly on one of my pet peeves, in education. The trend of education being tailored to what jobs are in demand (banking, accounting, middle management) and in general treating education like job training, either in the tulip bulbs sense or in a more direct practical sense like the editorial pages of the Economist tend to do, have the tail wagging the dog: education is a means to shape society in positive ways, and we shouldn't necessarily be training people to be accountants unless we think our society is poorer for having fewer accountants. The rule of law, Bregman notes, is not seventeen times more effective in the U.S. than it is in Japan, even though the U.S. has seventeen times the number of lawyers Japan does per capita.

p. 173: Nice coda to his NYC garbage collector strike story: people *really* want to be garbage collectors in NYC these days, because it pays well, even though the hours are long and the work is hard.

p. 195: "Of course, the laborer William Leadbeater may have been exaggerating slightly when he predicted that machines would be 'the destruction of the universe,' but the Luddites' concerns were far from unfounded. Their wages were plummeting and their jobs were disappearing like dust in the wind. 'How are those men, thus thrown out of employ to provide for their families?' wondered the late eighteenth century clothworkers of Leeds. 'Some say, Begin and learn some other business. Suppose we do; who will maintain our families, whilst we undertake the arduous task; and when we have learned it, how do we know we shall be any better for all our pains; for... another machine may arise, which may take away that business also.'" But teach coal miners Java!

p. 200: Bregman doesn't say it, but the impression I get from this book is that we solve a lot of these problems *now*, when maybe--just maybe--they're tractable, or we suffer a lot as things get worse for the next 50 years and end up having a much more chaotic and terrible time trying to fix things once they've broken down beyond our ability to maintain the status quo.

p. 210: On whether it's better to give away mosquito nets or sell them cheaply. Seems to be better to give them away; people used the nets regardless, and even people given nets for free would later buy them if they had the opportunity, i.e., people get used to having nets, not to getting handouts.

p. 215: On the historical recentness of closed borders. Before World War 1, borders seem poised to disappear; border controls were rare, passports seen as a tool of backward countries like Russia and the Ottoman Empire, and people predicted railroads would erase national distinctions. The war, and the closing of borders to prevent spies crossing them, seems to have put the kibosh on that.

p. 216: Let's say you lifted all trade barriers in the world; the productive gains from doing so would be approximately one thousandth that of general open borders. That is a hard number to argue against.

p. 221 ff.: A list of pro-open-borders arguments. Standard fare here: notable stuff includes a discussion of criminality among migrants. It's been noted in some countries, like the Netherlands, immigrants have higher crime rates than the native population, in contrast to countries like the U.S. and the U.K, where the crime rates are lower. "For a long time, research into this question was put off by the dictates of political correctness. But in 2004, the first extended study exploring the connection between ethnicity and youth crime got underway in Rotterdam. Ten years later, the results were in. The correlation between ethnic background and crime, it turns out, is precisely zero. ... Youth crime, the report stated, had its origins in the neighborhood where the kids grow up. In poor communities, kids from Dutch backgrounds are every bit as likely to engage in criminal activity as those from ethnic minorities."

Bregman also argues that, contra Robert Putnam, immigrants don't undermine social cohesion. "Putnam's findings were debunked... . A later retrospective analysis of ninety studies found no correlation whatsoever between diversity and social cohesion." Putnam apparently didn't take into account that African Americans and Latinos report less social cohesion no matter where they live, and controlling for this undermines Putnam's results. Poor communities have less social cohesion, yes, but it's not attributable to the presence of minorities or immigrants.

Another good points is that more open borers promote immigrants' return: when the U.S. patrolled its southern border less strictly, ca. 85% of illegal immigrants who crossed it eventually went back. Seems kind of obvious in retrospect: if you want illegal immigrants to leave... just let them?

I have this prediction that the first developed country that tries open borders is going to get a massive competitive economic advantage against the rest of the world, but I think it'll be a long time before this actually gets tested. Personally, I'm betting on the Canadians.

p. 237: Bregman is willing to discuss some of the doubts he has about his own positions, which is much more than I was expecting from a book of this type. I really, really wish more authors would do this.

p. 240: Bonus Asch Conformity discussion.

Bregman wants to know, can people actually be convinced? And how? His answer's not especially encouraging: it takes a crisis, like 2008. The problem with 2008, though, was that there wasn't a strong counter-narrative in place: there was no alternative to try. Movements like Occupy were nebulous and didn't have a clear set of goals. What was needed was a preexisting political movement or position that was placed to take advantage of people's openness to new solutions. This book is, I suppose, his attempt to spread some of these "utopian" ideas, so when the next crisis hits, they're available as solutions for people to advance. That's a modest goal for a book allegedly about utopian politics, but I don't think he's wrong; opinions change only slowly, and having a realistic view of how to go about changing opinions is important.

p. 254-255: Discussion of the Overton Window, and the left's role in nudging it around. Plus, a slogan I like: "Be realistic! Demand the impossible!"

p. 256: Discussion of leftist parties that seek to quell "radical" sentiment inside their own ranks in order to try to (so they think) remain electable. This is a pattern I see happening repeatedly: in the SPD in Germany, in Labour in the U.K., in the Democrats in the U.S., leaders like Pelosi and the bigwigs of New Labour who think that they have to go as middle-of-the-road as possible and avoid upsetting the status quo, ignoring that the strength of the left is often in expanding peoples' understanding of what society can achieve. It's depressing as hell, and it's not surprising that people are turning toward formerly obscure politicians like Corbyn and Sanders who are willing to actually try new ideas. Trouble is, Corbyn and Sanders have been minor politicians for a long time for a reason: they're charismatic as a couple of day-old fish, and they're not actually that good at uniting their parties.

p. 257-8: "'There's a kind of activism,' Rebecca Solnit remarks in her book "Hope in the Dark," 'that's more about bolstering identity than achieving results.' One thing Donald Trump understands very well is that most people prefer to be on the winning side. ... Most people resent the pity and paternalism of the Good Samaritan. Sadly, the underdog socialist has forgotten that the story of the left ought to be a narrative of hope and progress. By that I don't mean a narrative that only excites a few hisptes who get their kicks philosophizing about 'post-capitalism' or 'intersectionality' after reading some long-winded tome. ... What we need is a narrative that speaks to millions of ordinary people."

And he's not wrong. Bregman argues for reclaiming 'the language of progress,' i.e., meeting the current (neoliberal?) worldview on its own terms and explaining how these goals fulfill its aims, rather than contest them. I'd add to that that I'd like to see a left that actually cares about asking what constitutes effective activism, what actually changes people's minds, and what actually wins election and helps shapes policy, rather than just feeling good and laughing when Richard Spencer gets punched. That second vision of the left isn't just shortsighted; it's depressing, it's small-minded, and it's vicious. It's also selfish: it's about being secure in your own identity rather than *helping people,* and the fact it claims the moral high ground in a lot of debates is just repulsive to me.

All in all, the program Bregman seems to advocate for is startlingly modest, and delightfully specific: he wants UBI, a 15-hour workweek, a financial transaction tax, and open borders; and he's willing to be as incrementialist as possible on all these points. There are some other goals around the edges--a clearer and more purposeful vision of education's role in society, for instance, and a new approach to politics--but these too don't seem to require moving heaven and earth to accomplish them. In some ways, this book disappointed me: there's nothing here that fundamentally upends social or economic relations in the developed world, and it's all pretty consistent with a vision of historical trends in progress just extrapolated a little further into the future. But Bregman writes lucidly and engagingly on these subjects, and he condenses a lot of sources into a single volume. What this book is probably ideal for is giving to your centrist or left-leaning cousin or friend, who might be sympathetic to UBI or a financial transaction tax, or someone you know who is just curious about interesting new policy proposals in general.

Bregman's program would be suitable for a center-left political party in Europe, or a movement within the Democratic Party in the U.S., especially if it was helmed by someone who could talk cannily about these ideas in the public sphere. This book is proof these ideas *aren't* actually that utopian, and *can* be talked about in a way that makes them seem plausible--we just need more people doing that.

[hisnanoka]

Nanoka no Kare - Chapter 84 - Final Chapter

Click “Keep Reading” for the translation.

The following is a very rough translation/interpretation from the original Japanese text to English via Google Translate and is not guaranteed to be accurate. Text will be reviewed and edited when a Spanish translation is available to double check for errors.

Story: Saro Tekkotsu

Art: Miyoshi Toumori

Click here for the RAW scans! (Raws are out of order so I’ve uploaded them all here just this once.)

N = Nanoka | H = Hayata | T = Takato | O = Ouji | Y = Yuuko | C = Chisato

Page 1 – Cover page

“The love that was far away, I hope that it will lead to your happiness.”

Page 3

T: “I love you Nanoka.”

“But even now,”

“You still cannot see me.”

N: [Takato-kun told me that.]

[I thought I loved him more than I thought.]

Page 4

N: [I thought I would do anything for him.]

[Takato-kun is always fixated on the me that is missing.]

[I myself too]

[Even if I try not to see it, even if I try to fill it]

[Even if I try to keep my eyes turned away-]

Page 5

N: [Over time, I began imagining the depth of the hole arbitrarily.]

[It was swaying me and preventing me from moving forward.]

[So]

[I have to remember.]

Page 6

N: [For that purpose,]

[I]

O: “You just have to re-enact it.”

Are you scared of falling?

Page 7

O: It’s all right.

If it’s for the person you love,

You can do anything.

It’s right below your feet.

You ought to see the landscape that you thought was the most beautiful.

Page 8

N: A flower garden…

The flower garden I saw with Takato-kun…

O: Yes, he will be there soon.

Page 9

O: Let’s fall down together to that flower garden.

T: I see.

Page 10

T: If I was begging for Nanoka to jump down together for our future so that she could recall,

If we fell together

If

O: Takato?

Why don’t you return to Nanoka-chan

T: No

You are holding Nanoka.

Page 11

T: Release Nanoka.

Please let her go and allow her to go where she wishes.

…I am

We have

Caught the Nanoka of our dreams and trapped her for 2 years.

With the time I was given,

I noticed it.

Page 12

T: For the one I love,

Nanoka, I want her to smile from the heart.

O: …even if that means she will no longer return to you?

I see, you must hurry or Nanoka-chan will fall alone.

T: Hayata already went there.

Page 13

T: For 2 years, he continued running and now he came here.

He will absolutely grab hold of Nanoka.

So

Release it, Karasuma.

---even you fell in love with her at first glance

“” (T/N: The app I’m using can’t scan this part, sorry, still trying to decipher it)

Without being able to understand the emotions that were swirling in your head

“I also hate you as well” (T/N: Not sure if this is correct, both lines seem to be from past events.)

I can understand it.

Page 14

T: To know what kind of feeling is love, you already knew it long ago.

O: I

Page 15

O: Have been holding you captive all this time, I see your tears rising up to the sky.

What kind of face do you have while I am holding you in my arms, I want to know.

I am letting you go now.

Page 16

O: So

“Right now” *

“Turn around.”

Page 17

O: “Ayase-san.”

Page 18

Page 19

N: Hayata-ku……

Page 20

N: ......eh…

[“Hayata-kun”]

[“If only I never loved you,”]

Page 21

N: [“Would you not be suffering in pain right now?”]

[“If only I never spoke to him.”]

Ah

Let go Hayata-kun

H: You will fall if I let go

N: No

You’re wrong

Because of me, I’ve made Hayata-kun suffer

H: So you won’t hold onto either!

Page 22

H: At that time you chose not to grasp onto either and fell!

Neither Takato-san or I could grab you!

I’ve regretted that! My weakness is that I always make the choice to hurt myself.

You did not chose that for me! **

Page 23

H: Believe in me Ayase-san! I definitely won’t allow you to fall!

Page 24

H: Ayase-san…

N: ------------ha…..

Hayata-kun!

Page 25

N: Hayata-kun!!

H: ……thank goodness

Ayase-san…

N: Hayata-kun, I…

Page 26

N: I…

----ah…what……?

…why?

Why is it only me and Hayata-kun. Why is that so.

Page 27

N: I like…?

-

H: Her memory returned. It seems she passed out after the confusion.

Page 28

H: It’s a good thing we’re at a hospital. I will carry her down.

…she can’t be two people at once. Even I knew it would be like this.

Even though I understand it, I have not regretted that it has returned.

I feel pretty good right now that it feels like I’m the bad guy here.

T: What…

H: Is that funny?

T: I guess so.

Page 29

T: Hayata

I only have one thing to tell you

…The flower garden that you promised to go to,

I have already gone with Nanoka.

----Because of that, for Nanoka,

Show her an even more beautiful flower garden.

Page 30

C: Hayata-kun is going to the same university as Nanoka?

Instead of studying abroad!?

N: He decided on an apartment and is already moving in.

C: Aw~~~I can’t believe it. The same university – the same grade.

Y: Has Uesugi-kun ended all communication with you?

N: Yup.

Page 31

Y: I see. He didn’t even come to the graduation ceremony.

C: How was it? When you got back your memories.

After all for Nanoka, Hayata-kun has always been the right choice!

Y: How about that? You know? I’m still confused.

N: …at first the order of the feelings were swirling around. It felt like it wasn’t lining up properly but-

The half year returned.

I am here now

Y: Thank goodness

C: Bye-bye then! I have afternoon classes.

Page 32

N: [---However,]

[There are times]

[When it feels like I have two hearts]

[That flower garden.]

[When it gets wet with rain, a shining flower garden occasionally appears in my vision.]

[When]

[I am caught by my heart and sucked in there.]

Page 33

N: [The other heart]

[Drags me back to the surface.]

[My feelings and Hayata-kun is what I love the most.]

Page 34

N: [Round and round]

[We are making up for the lost time.]

Page 35

N: [The flower garden that was supposed to be seen by Hayata-kun – now he’s looking for one.]

H: Hmm

Flower garden, flower garden…

[As I thought, the state of Montana.]

[I heard that the scale of the flower garden there is amazing.]

N: Sorry for the wait!

H: Woah!

N: What’s wrong?

H: Nothing…

Page 36

H: What did you want to do today?

Want to go somewhere

N: Well I guess I’d like to go to Hayata-kun’s room.

Heh ♡

Organizing your moving luggage will be an ordeal. I want to help you.

H: Ah------

N: Is it no good

H: It’s not like that!

…it would  be faster to just show you.

N: ?

Page 37

H: See?

There really isn’t much to do since I don’t have much luggage.

N: …it was

Hayata-kun’s room was originally like this, wasn’t it?

Back when I visited Hayata-kun’s room in high school as well

I was sad because I saw you didn’t hold onto many mementos.

Page 38

N: I wondered if your room was set up that way to always be prepared to move quickly…

H: You thought like that?

N: …I did think that.

H: I’ll go get us some drinks. You can take a seat on the bed if you’d like.

Page 39

N: …this is…

“This is my e-mail. If it’s okay, please take it……!”

H: “……okay.”

Page 40

H: “Ayase-san”

“Is so cute.”

Sorry for the wait

Are sports drinks okay?

N: Hayata-kun, this is my note…

You’ve kept it all this time?

H: Ah

Page 41

H: That’s not-

This is-

…Ayase-san?

N: [You do not have to look for it anymore.]

[Because you have already found it.]

[You, who does not leave anything.]

[And lets go of everything.]

[In the corner of this room.]

Page 42

N: …like a small flower garden.

[Without being interrupted forever,]

Page 43

N: [The promise is right here.]

[He was always blooming right next to me.]

-END-

-Notes-

*Ouji is acting like Hayata here. Using his voice to speak the way Hayata would.

**It’s really hard to figure out what’s being said by Hayata here. If anyone knows it please tell me. I’m still trying to figure it out.

It’s been an incredibly stressful cliffhanger after cliffhanger ride but here we are at the end! I’m not sure if there are any special chapters after this so as far as I know, this is the end. A bit of a rushed ending for my taste after all that build-up - I feel like they should have given the authors another volume to work with. Regardless, I’m glad to see it ended on a happy note. Cheers~

[jewelphan]

Daffodils Equal Death

Summary: It was at exactly 2:37 a.m. on a Tuesday morning when Dan realized he was in love with his best friend. It was approximately twelve hours later when he discovered the consequences of it.

OR 

Dan has hanahaki disease and tries his best to deal with it

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: lots and lots of angst, throwing up (kind of?), sad ending (nobody dies though)

It was at exactly 2:37 a.m. on a Tuesday morning when Dan realized he was in love with his best friend.

It was approximately twelve hours later when he discovered the consequences of it. It was certainly a surprise when Dan started to suddenly cough up bright yellow daffodil petals. A very, very uncomfortable surprise.

At first he thought he had hallucinated the whole thing, but as the minutes ticked by and the petals that had puddled at his feet weren’t disappearing, he started to panic. Dan’s body started shaking and his legs began to wobble, which caused him to collapse onto his knees. He took a quick, shaky breath and started to gather up the petals into a pile. He didn’t need Phil to see what had happened, especially when Dan wasn’t even sure what had happened.

When Dan had managed to scoop up all the petals he shuffled his way to the bathroom, careful not to let any of the soft, paper-thin objects fall to the ground. As soon as he managed to make his way to the bathroom, he dropped all the petals into the toilet and flushed them down, erasing any evidence of the event. Dan was pretty sure that flushing a bunch of petals down a toilet couldn’t be good for the plumbing, but at the moment he had bigger issues to deal with.

After Dan flushed down all the petals, he sat in the bathroom for a few more minutes trying to settle himself into a calmer mindset. His body was still shaking slightly, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. What he did care about, however, was what the fuck had just happened. And instead of rushing to the hospital like any rational person would do, he decided to look it up online instead.

Dan managed to get himself out of the bathroom and into the lounge where his laptop was sitting on the table. He opened it and took a deep breath, hesitating for much longer than he should have. Dan wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to know what was happening to him, but he knew he needed to know. With that thought in mind, he opened his web browser and typed “coughing up flower petals” into the search bar.

Dan clicked on the first link that showed up, to which was titled “Hanahaki Disease”.

The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love.

Dan’s stomach flipped uncomfortably as he read. And as he continued to read he felt as if he was going to throw up, and this time it wasn’t going to be flower petals. He learned that the disease was apparently not even supposed to exist except in fiction, which didn’t make any sense considering Dan was currently experiencing it. He also learned that he would die from it if it wasn’t removed by either surgery or having the feelings returned. And Dan knew for a fact that Phil wouldn’t return the feelings that Dan had only started to experience less than a day ago. But he didn’t want to surgically remove the flowers either because apparently that meant he’d lose the feelings along with it, and Dan didn’t really want to forget what it felt like to truly love Phil. So even though the chances were beyond slim, Dan had to try to get his best friend to return his feelings.

Dan slammed his laptop shut and got up from where he was sitting. He was beyond stressed and he needed something to calm himself down so he went into the kitchen and began to brew some tea. Tea always seemed to calm him down in stressful situations. He leaned against the kitchen counter while the water was warming up and tried to just not think. About flowers. About love. About anything.

Suddenly Phil poked his head around the kitchen door. “Are you making tea? Can you make me some?” Phil asked sweetly.

Dan looked up and blinked a couple times. A surge of nervousness flowed through him and he was sure it was noticeable, but he tried to play it off. “Oh-um, sure.”

“Thanks!” Phil exclaimed. “Maybe we could watch something when it’s ready? I’m kind of bored.”

Dan forced a smile despite the flower petals that he could feel crawling up his throat. “Sure.”

As soon as Phil left Dan coughed up more flower petals, he hadn’t seen Phil since this whole thing had started, but now that he had he felt like he was going to overflow with both emotions and flowers.

As soon as Dan’s coughing fit had stopped (he was extremely thankful Phil hadn’t heard) he scooped up the petals and crumbled them up in a paper towel before throwing it away. Once again erasing any evidence that it had happened. He composed himself much quicker than he had earlier in the day, which was probably due to the fact that he knew what was happening to him this time around. Not that it made it any more tolerable.

By the time he finished composing himself he realized that the water was already boiling. He got two mugs out of the cupboard and made both him and Phil a cup of tea. He mentally prepared himself and took a couple of deep breaths before walking into the lounge where Phil was.

Dan found Phil sitting on the couch and handed him his tea before taking a seat beside him. “So, what did you want to watch?” Dan asked, thankful when the flowers in his throat appeared absent.

“I was thinking we could marathon Death Note, we haven’t seen it in a while,” Phil suggested.

“Sounds good,” Dan muttered, taking a sip of his tea, washing down any petals that were trying to make their way up his throat.

~

After quite a few hours in a comfortable silence between the two roommates, Phil finally decided to break it.

“Hey, Dan?”

Dan hummed in response.

“Do you ever think about romantic relationships?” Phil asked casually.

Dan’s heart leapt and he gulped. “Sometimes, why?” He answered, trying to keep the same tone of voice as Phil.

“It’s just, I’m reaching that age where a lot of people are already married--with kids even and I feel strange being single.” Phil continued.

Dan nodded as if he understood (too afraid to use his voice), urging Phil to go on.

“I was just wondering if you would be okay if I started dating people? Y’know, just, putting myself out there.”

Dan’s breath hitched and his heart clenched. He felt like he was about to puke up an entire field of flowers, but he managed to swallow them down and answer Phil. “I’m not sure why you need my permission, but I guess you have it,” Dan said, his voice strained. Despite the words that were leaving his mouth, it was far from what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Phil he couldn’t. Tell him that if he dated anyone it had to be Dan. But he didn’t because Dan wasn’t that selfish, and despite everything that he was currently going through, he couldn’t bring himself to take away any happiness that Phil may find in his life, even if that happiness comes in the form of another person. A person that wasn’t Dan.

“I know I don’t need it, but it’s nice to have it. So thank you,” Phil sent Dan the kindest smile and Dan wasn’t sure how much longer it would be until he broke. Phil turned back to the television and played the next episode.

Dan stood up quickly and mumbled a quiet “bathroom”, thankfully Phil had heard and nodded his head in acknowledgment. Dan practically bolted to the bathroom, nearly falling on his way. The moment he got to the bathroom he started to throw up flower petals. They fell out of his mouth like a waterfall, petal after petal being violently coughed up. It went on for about a minute until Dan’s throat suddenly tighten and an entire daffodil, stem and all, came out of his mouth. It was an extremely painful sensation and thankfully after the flower managed its way out of Dan’s mouth, everything stopped. Leaving behind a pile of petals and tear stained cheeks in its wake.

So there Dan sat, in a pile of tear-and-sweat stained petals with a beautifully disastrous daffodil that lay atop it all. Dan was physically and mentally exhausted and he could barely breathe. His lungs burned and his eyes felt rubbed raw.

It took Dan nearly ten minutes to even begin to get up. But when he finally did, he began to carefully pick up all the petals (including the daffodil) and throw them in the toilet. He flushed them down and was thankful when it didn’t get clogged.

After he got rid of all the petals, he went over to the sink and washed his face off. His eyes were red and it took a lot of cold water to make him look even remotely presentable.

After another ten minutes or so, he finally deemed himself neat enough to go back to the lounge.

When he got back, and Phil had asked him what took him so long, Dan just said he had a stomach ache and Phil hadn’t questioned it any further.

~

After that day, things got surprisingly better. Dan still coughed up petals, but it wasn’t as bad as he had expected. In fact, some days he didn’t cough up anything at all which he was extremely thankful for. He almost felt normal again.

But then Phil went out one day and came back with a girl. She was beautiful, even Dan couldn’t deny that. She had long blonde hair, green eyes, and her face was littered with freckles. And at first, Dan actually felt fine (much to his surprise), it was just a girl. But then both Phil and her started acting cute and sappy. They cuddled up on the couch and Phil kept peppering her face with little kisses and Dan felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t take it.

He ran to the bathroom for the first time in weeks and coughed up mountains of flower petals, including quite a few full daffodils (which he hadn’t done since the day he got the disease). It lasted so long and Dan started losing his ability to breathe and it got so bad he nearly passed out. But it eventually stopped and Dan felt like he had just barely survived drowning. It was at this moment that he remembered that this disease could (and would) kill him if he didn’t do something about it. It was also at this moment that it truly sunk in that Phil had a girlfriend. And he realized that if that was his reaction to simply seeing her with Phil, it would get much worse in the future. It would kill him.

So he made a decision, one he would probably regret one day, but it was the only thing he could do to save his life.

So after he spent nearly a half hour composing himself, he walked out of the bathroom and back into the lounge. He didn’t look at either Phil or the girl when he got there. “Hey, I’m going out. Do you need anything while I’m gone?” Dan asked.

Dan took a quick glance at Phil and noticed his eyebrows were scrunched up in confusion. “I don’t think so, but where are you headed?”

“Just to buy some things and get some fresh air. I’ll be back in a few hours.” Dan answered.

Phil still looked confused, but he mumbled a quick, “alright, be safe.” anyway.

Dan grabbed a coat and his wallet before heading out the door. Not stopping for a moment, for fear of changing his mind. Dan called a taxi over and was thankful when it arrived quickly. He told the taxi driver his destination and tried not to let his nerves get the best of him.

Finally, he had arrived at the place that he should’ve been at weeks earlier: the hospital. Dan remembered reading that there were only two ways to get rid of his condition. Option one being to get Phil to love him back, and option two being to surgically remove the flowers growing in his lungs. Dan thought that he could’ve lived with Phil not loving him back, that maybe the disease he had wasn’t as severe as the internet said. After all, this whole thing was supposed to be fictional. But he was wrong, and this was the only way for him to survive, even if it did erase the love that he felt for Phil.

With that in mind, he walked into the hospital and tried his best to explain his situation. Surprisingly, they seemed to understand--the disease was apparently not as fictional as the internet claimed, but still very rare. And after Dan told the doctors that he had been living with it for over a month, they seemed very concerned for his health. Apparently, the flowers should’ve grown much faster than they had been and it was a miracle Dan was even alive at that very instance.

The doctors agreed to take him into surgery almost immediately. One of the doctors had apparently had a patient with the same disease as Dan and agreed to do the surgery on him. Dan was rather glad that the doctors weren’t going in blindly with this and was very lucky that one of them had actually operated on a patient exactly like him before.

They gave him some kind of drug to knock him out and he blacked out almost immediately, only to wake up a couple hours later with a pain in his chest. It took him a moment to get his bearings, but when he did he remembered why he was here, he quickly tried to think of Phil as anything more than a friend. But there was nothing there. No feelings for him whatsoever.

But despite the feelings being gone, the memories remained, and his heart ached at the things he could remember. There was an empty feeling within him that used to serve as a container for everything he felt for his best friend. He wanted to reach out and take all of it back, he wanted to still be in love with Phil, he yearned to feel it all again, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t manage it.

And the worst part about it all was that Phil didn’t even know, and he never would.

a/n: I am so sorry... kind of