#ny memory aint so good

[faggotmox]

something wonderfully important has happened! my "wrestling dad" josh shepard got his book of wrestling erasure poems published & it is up for sale (either 10$ or "name a fair price"). this is incredibly important to me as im one of the first people to have gotten the privilege to read these poems as josh wrote them. josh is incredibly important to me as a friend, he is the guy who introduced me to wrestling & gave me a deep, unrestricted passion for it.

josh is so fucking talented, & creative. he is also my favorite poet, not just bc he's my friend. the book's flow is dedicated to the flow of a wrestling match, following all the hallmarks (the lock up, big heat, the comeback, ect) with the themes of his poems to create a match like narrative for the book.

there are like three specific poems in the batch that i want tattooed on me, a stone cold one, a mick foley one, & a briscoe brother's piece. the aj lee pipebomb poem moved me to actual tears, even when i read it now. the macho man poem abt being bipolar struck me so hard i rethought my own feeling on my mental health. josh pushes impressive themes of capitalism, mental health, poverty, & family theoughout many of his poems. i know ive got a few wrestling fans here, & if you're also into poetry please considered josh's work. or just if you want to support a friend of mine.

a cool way to support josh's work is by requesting it at your local library! even suggesting to bookstores that have poetry sections or interacting with the work thats already published. following/reposting josh's work for exposure also is great.

bruiser zine said this:

The second volume in the BRUISER Zines series, Cutting Promos is a collection of pro wrestling erasure poems by the Oklahoma City poet Josh Shepard. Printed and assembled in Baltimore, this limited edition zine collects 26 poems previously published in BRUISER, HAD, The Daily Drunk and many other fine publications.

After being laid off at the onset of the pandemic, Shepard found comfort and inspiration in the glow of professional wrestling and its performers—their violent struggles, fighting spirit, and electric language—and from their speeches and promos that have inspired wrestling fans across the globe he delivers Cutting Promos, a collection of erasures that echoes the personalities, pursuits and perseverance of pro wrestling’s greatest, standing as a testament to life lived during Hard Times and deliverance through them.

[ IN CASE YOU MISSED THE LINK ABOVE TO BUY JOSH'S BOOK ] [ JOSH'S TWITTER | INSTA | LINKTR.EE* ] *a lot of the links don't work bc the publications went under :( but there's still quiet a few up for free here

support my kayfabe father!!! i watched him turn his hard times into beautiful pieces. even in the beginning when he only had 3 or 4, before he even thought he could make the book i saw his passion for these pieces. i was there for every heart wrenching rejection letter & every hard earned spot. every time he was working late at the library sending me new ideas bc he couldn't watch dynamite. every single wrestling poem josh has written has now been published & that is a huge success. he puts in the work like a wrestler puts in the work in the ring. hard hitting, gritty, & beautiful.

[heartofsnark]

Can You Feel The Sun? (Chapter Ten): Aint It A Gentle Sound, The Rolling In The Graves

Notes:  Cyberpunk had consumed my brain, it is official, so have more fic. This and the next chapter are both uhhh heavy, the next chapter moreso in my opinion. So, please heed the warnings carefully. 

Word Count: 10323

Chapter Warnings:  Violence, gore, blood, suicidal thoughts/mentions, suicide baiting, physical assault/attacks, choking, depressive thoughts. 

If you haven’t yet, you can read the previous chapter here!~

She heard him. 

Doesn’t hear the breaths that rattle and shake her chest. Didn’t hear her own cries, her own curses. Couldn’t hear the thumping of trash as she climbed from the pit. 

But she heard him. 

“What?” It's but a whisper on her lips, staring at the man with blurry halved vision, and she can’t hear it. 

Bile rushes up her throat, stomach churning as it tries to empty its contents. V rolls over to her hands and knees, retching into the mud and filth. Puke and blood heavy on her tongue, more blood than anything else. She spits the last of it out, pushing already blood matter hair from her face on instinct. 

Then she moves her hand back further, to her ear, nothing in it, but she feels for a hearing aid. There has to be a logical explanation, why she heard him but not her own gagging. Why she heard him but not the wind whipping through the trash, why does she hear him. 

No hearing aid, not even a broken remnant of it lodged in her ear, the other side the same. And her touching, she feels something else… The hole in her skull, part of her head open to the world. She feels the edge of bone, gore clinging to her digits and she doesn’t know what she touches beyond it, prodding at her flesh with filthy fingers. When she pulls her fingers away, she looks at the tissue, the fragment of bone, all sticking to her hand. How the hell is she alive? 

And the man, she knows him, the memories and cyberspace. He should be dead too, Arasaka killed him… 

“John...ny?” 

She tests his name on her tongue, can feel the reverberation of it in her chest, but not hear it. V waits for a response, waits to hear him, to know she can again. But nothing. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe, an auditory hallucination. She twists to face him again. 

“What the- what the fuck?” 

He’s gone, was he ever there? Bullet to the brain, maybe he’s all a hallucination. Maybe the memories and cyberspace just long form hallucinations? That happens, right, why some people claim to see heaven? The brain hallucinates when deprived of oxygen...or maybe when a bullet goes through it, touching parts that shouldn’t be touched?

That’s it. That’s all it is. Hallucinations of a damaged brain. She needs a doctor, needs Vik. She gathers her strength, attempting to push herself back up on her feet, legs giving out as she hits her knees into the mud, digging her fingers into it. 

Just stand up, just stand up and walk damn it. She screams at herself, then she sees something, a flash of movement in her blurry vision. At first just a shadowy figure standing amidst the trash. Focusing harder so she can make out who it is. 

Dex starts to wander into the landfill, boots crushing through mud, towards her. Adrenaline spikes, anger in her center as she glares at his fuzzy figure. The man who killed her blew her brains out and threw her away like trash. She still has Yorinobu’s gun tucked into her belt. 

V grabs the gun and suddenly she gets on her feet real fucking easy. 

Maybe it’s adrenaline. Maybe it’s spite. But it makes her steadier and she knows if it’s the last thing she fucking does, she’s taking Dex down with her. She makes it halfway through the passageway through the trash and takes aim. 

Dex’s eyes go wide, looking over her, she has no idea what she looks like. But she’s sure it’s horrifying, a walking corpse. 

“H...fuck!?” her contact struggles to read his lips, but she tries to fill in the blanks, practically laughing. 

“What’s wrong Dex, you come to see if you can get it right this time? Think you can manage to not fuck it up this time?” 

“How...fuck...alive?” 

“Bad news, apparently one of us has shit aim, Good news is it ain’t me.” 

And she pulls the trigger, directly through the center of Dex’s head. Brains and blood spraying as he hits the ground, dead at her feet. And she expects to feel better, for her, for Jackie, for Bug. The man who set this shit show up is gone, the man who blew her brains out, would have Jackie’s too if he had the chance, is gone. But she just feels empty, body still a mangled mess and standing in a landfill. 

Then she sees a flash of black fabric, a person. Before she can raise the gun or do anything, there’s a hand of flesh and chrome grabbing her wrist. Arm twisted and she’s yanked over, losing her balance, crying out as the gun falls from her fingers. The hand over where her blade would come out, when she tries to let it out it won’t budge under the grasp. She’s pulled back and towards them, back knocking to her chest as she struggles to fight a grip strong enough to crack bone if she let it. Their other hand is on her throat in a moment, tight and crushing as she’s pulled flush to their chest. 

V gasps as the hand tightens, already damaged vision blurring further as she gasps for air. Calloused fingers and chrome digging into her windpipe, tears stinging her eyes. She scratches and claws with her bad hand, but can seem to get a grip on him. Held tight to their chest, she cranes her neck, fighting the hold on it and looking up with darkening vision to see him. The bodyguard from Konpeki, brown silver ringed eyes and long graying hair pulled back off his face. Metal etched face like stone as he strangles the merc. 

What bit of strength and consciousness she regained is sapped quickly under his heavy hand, body starting to go limp as she starts to pass out. Then she’s thrown to the ground, on  her hands and knees as she tries to break the fall; gasping desperately for air. She feels even weaker now, adrenaline fading, pain hitting her again. Why is an Arasaka fucker here? Who the hell sent him? Did Dex drag him here? 

She twists to sit down, leaning against a rusted fridge as she touches her bruised throat. The guard stalks closer, shiny shoes walking through muck before he crouches down in front of her. Her contact subtitles start in Japanese before trying to translate what bits they catch from his lips. 

“Arasaka-sama….found….father’s killer,” his eyes staring her down, “...her….no...doubt. Yes. Expect… hour.” 

He’s going to drag her in, throw her to the non-existent mercy of Arasaka. Flashes of those memories, Johnny’s death, if it’s even real and not just a story from her damaged brain. But she remembers his death, the pain of what they did, every neuron on fire. Is that what they’ll do to her?

“Go fuck yourself!” 

She gathers all the spit and blood in her mouth, she hopes traces of puke too out of spite. And she spits on him, right in his face, all she can muster. Spittle coats his bearded face and she feels a moment of sick satisfaction, no matter how small. 

“Quiet!” 

He backhands her, a sharp slap that forces her head to move. Then he wipes her spit off on his sleeve. Her vision blurs, consciousness threatening to slip away as she feels his hands lifting her up. The world going dark for a moment as she’s carried away by the bodyguard. 

When the world returns for a brief moment, she’s in a passenger side seat, laying against the leather. The driver side door opens and she watches as he sits behind the wheel, for a moment his eyes linger on her. His nose wrinkles in disgust as they start to drive out of the landfill. 

“...smell...shit.” 

She wants to cuss him out, but she can no longer summon the energy. Blood loss catching up with her. If she’s lucky, she’ll die before she ever sees the inside of an Arasaka interrogation room. They can play with her corpse to their heart’s content, as long as they don’t get anything from her. Her eyelids are heavy, the world going dark again. 

It’s a sharp pain that brings her back, a choking gasp for air as her entire body convulses, pulling at raw nerves and muscles. The UI in her contact blinks system malfunction, blurring distorting, glitching already damaged vision. Every part of her seizing, she has to remind herself to breathe, tell her heart to beat. 

Chrome etched fingers push an airhypo into her hand, the guard is twisted up behind the wheel, holding at his stomach. He’s hurt, but how? Why is he giving her first aid? It could be a trick, but she takes that risk, knowing she’ll die without something anyway.  She wraps bloodied twitching fingers around the airhypo and punches it directly into her chest, a needle of medication plunged into her system. A brief booster of relief. Her lungs able to breathe, pain numbing for a moment, muscles relaxing. 

The wind is whipping as he drives. An orange sky around them, car driving down a a highway, the sun just starting to come up. Beautiful for a moment.

tHE she goes to toss the hypo container out of the convertible, throwing it right into the face of a man driving a motorcycle up along side of them. His eyes an intense red, optic glow. Dressed in Arasaka uniform, his eyes on her. Friends of the bodyguard? The motorcycle accelerates, moves in front of them, then the man pulls a gun. Another motorcyclist races past the drivers side. Glass shatters as bullets blast the windshield. A third one weaving into the fray. The long haired guard punches the gas, ramming into the back of one of the bikes. It sparks and flames, sending it’s rider flying before the motorcycle rolls off the windshield over their head. 

The hell is going on? Why is he fighting his own men? Why are they fighting him? A black and red gun is pushed into her hand, the intention clear without words. Half blind, half dead, but hopped up on a booster; she takes aim. 

Its not her best work, firing at the cyclists. She focuses on the one lingering towards her side, closer to them. She aims for tires first, bullets sparking and pinging off the bike, but not quite make the impact she needs. V tries hard, tries to focus harder on his head, trying to land a headshot as the pair continue to shoot at the car. The movement of which does nothing to help. 

His motorcycle starts to flame up, streaks of red flickering as he rides. When it stalls in the middle of the highway, the long haired guard hits the gas harder, catching the front of it and destroys it, sending him across the road. 

They get neck and neck to the other rider, cold red eyes glaring at them before drifting off to another lane, picking up speed before he guns it back towards them, slamming the bike into the side of the vehicle. Knocking the car off course, they slam into oncoming traffic, head on into someone else's car. But the long haired man doesn’t slow down, swerving pack into their lane, too quick, as he ends up half on the curb. The side of the car scratches an NCART stop as the guard turns them around; driving in reverse to face the motorcyclist. He drives head on towards them and V starts shooting again, trying to get clear aim. 

One lucky shot hits where she needs, bike combusting and rider flying. As breathing gets harder for her, her muscles start to tighter, pain in her...everything starting to come back. The boost of adrenaline from the hypo is fading. And another motorcycle comes speeding at them, riding through the dust and smoke of the former. How many are there?

The bodyguard starts to turn the car back around, a vehicle merging clips against them, sending the civilian car right into the path of the motorcycle. He hits the hood of it, motorcycle sparking and man sent flying, but he leans into the launch of it, mantis blades extending from his arms as he lands on the back of their car. 

And the flames weren’t just from his bike, he’s more metal than flesh. Charred remains of skin giving way of the metal bones beneath. He sweeps his blades back and forth, the rock of the car and the heat of fire on his skin making his aim messy, just missing their heads. He flips to the front, clinging to the grill of the car as the bodyguard drives. 

Mantis blades sink into the hood as the man starts trying to climb his way up and to them, a flaming metal skeleton with half melted skin. She desperately tries to shoot him off as he pulls himself forward, a turn pushing him back, but the grip of his blades through the metal stays. He just nearly reaches, swiping a blade out but a swerve of the car makes him miss. A blade hooks into the dashboard in front of her and he punches out the other, stabbing between them. 

“Traitor!”

Her contact reads the words on the man’s lips, clear as day. The long haired guard, Saburo's own bodyguard; a traitor? 

The car smashes into the bottom of a billboard, cracking and buckling. Her head slams against the dashboard, darkness swimming through her vision, consciousness fading, she’s not sure how much more she can handle. She blinks, but maybe it was more than a blink, the long hair guard gone. 

Then her door opens, hands hook beneath her arms and she’s dragged out of the car, across the road. Taking in the crash. Pinned between the car and a pole, the flaming metal exoskeleton of a man convulses, mouth opened in what looks like a scream, maybe he still has nerve endings. His body is crushed, his bladed arms swinging out. 

Hands leave her body, the guard crouching in front of her, his movements slow. He’s injured too, clutching at a bullet wound. She tries to focus on his lips. 

“Do not pass...again.” 

“No promises…” She croaks out. 

“...eyes...open…” 

Her eyes drift to whats left of the other man, still struggling, still pinned. She levels the gun with his head as best she can, pulling the trigger and putting him out of any pain he may be in. Or may she’s simply saving her own ass by killing a witness. She’s not entirely sure. The bodyguard takes the gun from her hand, looking at her like he’s caught a child misbehaving. She lets out a soft laugh. 

Bleeding out on the highway, skull caved in, a mangled corpse. And she laughs. Maybe her and Jackie aren’t that different, maybe he’d be proud of her…maybe. 

“We both...medical attention. Do...know...ripperdoc… trust?” 

“Vik Vector.“ 

“Must...quickly,” 

“He can help, he’s the best.” 

“Have...get...somehow. Call...anyone.” 

“He’s behind Misty’s Esoterica in Watson, you’ll get there faster without me… I’m...not...gonna…” 

“Make the call.” 

He speaks slow and clear enough, the contact translating perfectly. He’s got no reason to want to save her, she doesn’t know what his game is. But, she sends a call through her holo, to Delamain. She doesn’t know why that’s the first thing to come to mind, maybe the cab will tell them to fuck off, the ride paid for by Dex after all. But the taxi service is the first thing that comes to mind. The avatar comes up in her contact. 

“Greetings, my scanner indicates you are outside the service area.” The contact reads him clearly, maybe the holo feeding subtitles better. 

“Pick me up, please… I have to get to Vik’s clinic, behind Misty’s Esoterica,” she tells him, her eyelids starting to grow heavy again. 

“Of course,” he agrees with no hesitance, “a vehicle en route. It should arrive in less than twenty minutes.” 

And her eyes close, blinking and eyes going dark again. It feels like only a moment. 

But when she opens her eyes again, she’s in a Delamain, stretched across the backseat with her head in the guard’s lap. He’s leaning over her, able to see through blurry vision, the heavy gray around his temples and the blood splattered across him. His hands are pushing through her hair. 

“Please proceed to insert the jack below the ear, though not too deep. There should be auxiliary neurosockets between her lymph nodes, beneath the SCM muscle.”

The subtitles filter across her contact, Delamain by the choice of words, but she’s not reading his lips. Unable to look directly at his AI avatar, she's not sure how, but doesn't have the energy to question it. The guard holds a jack between his fingers, brows furrowing for a moment. 

“...hit vein...mistake...die.” 

“As she will if you do nothing.” 

“I think I have the socket…” 

“Now proceed to connect.”

The world goes dark again, V barely able to stay conscious for more than a moment. This is it, she’s really dying. So much for laughing in the face of it and making Jackie proud. 

And when she opens them again she’s being pulled from the back of the car, the guard’s hands hold her. His grip is slipping, barely able to lift even her small frame, he’s hurt badly. Familiar hands interrupt, stronger in this moment, a ripperdoc glove on one hand. Vik pulls her from the cab easily lifting and holding her. He starts to walk away with her, the Arasaka bodyguard starting to follow, but his steps are staggering. 

“Can’t..” 

Then he’s falling, hitting the ground of Vik’s garage, his back leaning against the Delamain cab as he clutches at his bleeding arm, his face starting to go gray. V can feel the reverb in Vik’s chest, cracked open skull leaning against it as he calls out. 

And it feels like a blink. Just a moment, a bit of darkness, but the world has shifted again. A bright bright white light glows over head, she’s on Vik’s operating table, the ripper doc standing over her. 

“It’s neurogenic shock, she’s dying,” Delamain’s subtitles come across her contact. 

Tears burn at her eyes. This is it, she’s really dying, after all this trouble. She’ll bleed out in Vik’s chair. Vik’s lips move, but the contact reads nothing, only a blip. He twists and turns her face where he needs her. 

“There is risk of-”

Vik cuts the taxi cab AI off, but she doesn’t know what he says, light too bright to see anything else. Only able to catch the movement of it. And she’s been expecting this, each moment since Dex shot her feeling like her last. But this has to be it the end, heart slowing again, eyelids heavy again. Her skull has been cracked open, brain exposed to trash and air for the past several hours. She’s been bleeding out for god knows how long. She was never going to make it out of this, was never meant to. 

A billion thoughts dance in her head, of Jackie, of all that’s happened. She reaches out and grabs Vik’s shirt, bloody fingers twisting into the blue of his shirt. Her grasp is weak, but Vik stops when he feels the feeble little pull on his clothes, looking down on her. And he looks so scared, green eyes wide as he stares down at her. 

“I’m sorry…” 

Its all she can think to say, she’s sorry. She’s sorry about Jackie. She’s sorry she didn’t listen to Vik. She’s sorry she took the job. She’s sorry she couldn’t save him. She’s just sorry..  And she hopes Misty hears it, hopes it gets back to Mama Welles. Hopes they know she’s sorry, hopes they know she tried… 

And it all goes dark again, that void that welcomes her time and time again. She doesn’t expect to come out of it, truly she doesn’t. Stuck in the dark for who knows how long. 

For a moment the world comes back, mind fuzzy, she can see Misty checking something. Wants to reach out and touch her, say something. But her body won’t move, her mouth dryer than the desert. That Arasaka guard is in Vik’s other chair, Vik working on him. And she blinks again. 

Vik is at his work bench, watching a boxing match. Her clothes are changed, her skin cleaner than it was before, her vision glitching but no longer halved. Does she still have contacts in? The question is foggy in her brain, barely formed before she’s falling into darkness again. 

The guard and Vik are standing before where she lays. How much time has passed? The long haired bodyguard looks healthier now, healed up, dressed in white. Not a trace of blood on him, no more gray in his face. 

“How is she?” Subtitles form across her vision, clearer than usual, able to pick it up at a further distance. 

“Slower on the mend than you, but lookin' better every day.”

Day… has it been days? Her eyes are drifting shut again, unable to keep them open for long. But the void doesn’t greet her this time, instead fuzzy dreams...memories. Being on a stage, being at a nomad camp. Sometimes she’s her. Other times…. 

Her eyes open again. And this time the Arasaka guard is closer, hands fussing with something. Touching her shoulder, her skin. He pulls away after a moment, then taps her shoulder, a heavy pap against her flesh. Then she’s gone again. 

Dreams and memories drift into each other. 

Drinking in some shitty bar with Misty and Jackie, capping the night off with booze as they talk let loose after a week of shitty jobs and annoying customers, She throws back her favorite bourbon and cherry coke, but it turns to tequila in her mouth. Shot glass hitting the table, Misty and Jackie replaced with Kerry and Rogue, snickering as she grabs another shot. 

Vik repairing a knife wound in her gut, teasing her nose for trouble, but when he goes to turn he becomes Milt, a man she knows, though she doesn’t know why.  He’s replacing her liver for the third time that month, tells her she needs to cool it on the booze. 

Entangled in the sheets with Sabrina, a short lived flame. But when they twist to roll over, its not Sabrina looking up at her. A blonde with freckles across her nose and soft green eyes instead of the dark haired woman V thought she could love. 

She’s on stage, screaming lyrics into a mic and the noise doesn’t bug her, she screams her rage, her message. But fingers meet guitar strings and the world shifts, electric axe becoming acoustic. A dirty club becomes a tent and instead of playing to a crowd she’s in her mother’s lap, mom humming Rhiannon as she teaches the young nomad to play. 

Busting through the doors to Arasaka tower, nuke on her back, but the doors open to Yorinobu’s suite, Jackie shushing her to stay quiet. As if she’s ever struggled to be quiet. 

She’s got a blade in the side of Konpeki Plaza, grabbing Jackie, but the moment her hand wraps around his wrist she’s the one dangling, holding onto Rogue as she dangles above Arasaka Tower. 

Sometimes who’s in what memory switches, changes. Sometimes it’s her setting off the nuke in Arasaka, painted nails clicking against the bomb. Sometimes it’s tattooed and silver hands softly correcting Jackie’s sign language. 

It all blurs and blurs and blurs until she’s not sure who did what. Who’s the deaf merc and who’s the rocker who nuked a tower? And her head aches to keep track, to know who she is, the pain building and building which each twist of it, each change in those dreams that muddy the waters of who she is and who he is. Until the pain is overwhelming. 

“Argh ahh, fuck!” She gasps and screams out, waking up in agony. She grabs and clutches at her head, trying to soothe it. 

Hands come and touch her face, looking up at Vik, eyes kind as he slides a spare pair of hearing aids on her. Able to hear her own panicked breathing as Vik soothes his hands across her jaw. 

“V? You in there?” he asks her, his wording strange, who else would she be? 

“Vik..” she speaks and signs, hands trembling and voice rough, her vision still glitching and distorting. Her torso is wrapped in bandages, a pair of pajama pants on her for modesty. There’s more bandages wrapped around her head, down her forearm. There’s no markings of the mantis blades on her right arm. 

“How you feeling?” 

“Everything hurts...visions...do I have contacts in?”  

“Yeah… lots to discuss, kid,” he says, swallowing hard and crossing his arms, “had to install optics on you…” 

“What?” Her eyes are gone, replaced with tech, just that easily. The eyes she sees through no longer the ones genetics or her father gave her, but corp created metal. 

“Bullet damaged the optic nerve, I had no choice, I-” 

“I know,” she says, arm and hand too sore to sign,  Vik would never install them if it wasn’t necessary, she trusts that.

“On a brighter note, switched you to the projectile launcher.” 

“Huh?” She checks her left arm, indentations of chrome, similar but slightly different from the mantis blades. 

“The blades work best together, I would have just repaired the right and spruced up the left, but… when the blade ripped out, the muscle was damaged beneath it. It can’t support anymore cyberware, to install a new blade in it, I’d have to remove the full arm. Figured, be better to give you the tech you wanted more, anway.” 

“I owe you, a lot, seriously. May...take longer to pay you back than I thought.” 

“That’s, uh, that’s not the most important thing right now. V, what do you remember?” 

“Dex… shot me and then I started seeing things…” She explains, sitting up a little straighter and pulling her knees closer, body aching at the movement. 

“These...hallucinations, describe ‘em to me.” 

“There’s a lot, it’s like, I’m someone else, but still me. Seeing someone else’s life. I’m on stage in some grimey little club, bright lights. I start playing, screaming into the mic, letting out my hatred...screaming out a message. Got something to say, desperate for anyone to listen. Then I finish the set and… head my ass to Arasaka Tower, nuke the whole damn place… I don’t know if it was a dream or. I know it sound’s ridiculous.” 

“Not ridiculous at all, kid,” Vik tells her, nodding along and sitting down, fiddling with his glasses, a nervous tic she’s rarely seen. 

“Night City looked different, older and I hated it. Then… they killed me, Arasaka scorched me with something, every nerve frying. It felt real, so- so fucking real, I knew it wasn’t me but it felt like it. Never had a dream like that…” 

“You weren't dreaming, V. Those were memories. There's a personality construct on that shard, Dreams you had were from his past.”

She blinks, processing the words for a moment. That makes sense, when she thinks about it. Commercials for the relic advertised it as a storage for a person’s engram, something akin to an imaginary friend. It didn’t cross her mind in the moment, but logically Jackie and her should have seen someone with the chip slotted in… Right?  But either way, she had a chip with someone’s intel, she got fucked up and maybe the chip activated, triggered, and showed her whoever was on it. Johnny… who gives a fuck. 

“Okay, so, it was just the chip… Where you put it?”  It may be too hopeful, but if the chip is in good enough shape, Vik is savvy enough, he may have had a container that would work. If so, she may be able to get in contact with Evelyn. Close the deal, for Jackie. 

“V… I…” 

“Did it get destroyed?” She reaches up to her chip slot, without thinking, touching her fingers against it. 

“Don’t touch it,” Vik yells out, calloused fingers wrapping around her wrist just as she feels the edge of something in her chipslot. He didn’t pull it, which is odd enough, but why is he so worried of her doing it?

“Why? Something wrong, if the chip is fucking with me, I can just pull it out, right? No harm, no foul.” 

“It’s not that simple, V.” 

“What do you mean, it’s not that simple? Its just a shard, a chip like anything else.” 

“Not quite, you two're connected in a way I can't make head or tail of.” 

“Connect- what do you mean, me and who?” 

“Johnny Silverhand. A terrorist - real talk o' the town back in my day,” he lets out a heavy sigh, leaning forward , “ Anyway, that's not what's important right now….” 

And there’s something in the way his body language changes, the shift in expression. She’s seen him worried to death, seen him nag her time and time again. Tell her in a thousand different ways she had to stop knocking on death’s door or it’d start knocking back. But he barely meets his eyes now, face drained of color, like he’s the one who took a bullet. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think he was about to cry. 

“So, new eyes, new chrome, and reliving a terrorist’s life; none of that's important. So, what exactly is?” 

“You, uh, don't got a lot of time left, kid,” he tells her, voice cracking in a way she’s never heard. 

“Wha-what do you mean?” She’s hurting sure, that’s to be expected, but she doesn’t feel like she’s on death’s door, not anymore. She should be out of the woods now.

“ The biochip… It's basically a bomb, fuse lit already. You don't have much time left, much… life. A few, maybe six months tops. Silverhand's construct is overwriting your consciousness - gradually taking over your body until one day you'll just be… gone” 

He can only meet her eyes for a few words at a time, blinking and looking away each time his eyes start to look watery. V’s breath catches in her throat, Vik’s words pinging around her skull. She believes him, no reason not to, he’d never lie about something like this. Hell, she doubts he’d ever lie at all. Death has teased her relentlessly all her life, but never so much as it has in this past...day, weeks? Since Dex shot her, moment after moment of thinking she’d met her end. Each time convinced it was the end, that she’d bleed out in a motel, thrown away in landfill, die in Vik’s chair. 

But this… this isn’t what she imagined. A bullet, a knife wound, a quick hack, someone’s chrome; all things she could see taking her. Bleeding out in an alley, in a car, shot point blank dying before she hits the ground. Those are merc deaths, the kind of death that’s been awaiting her. Culled at the hands of her family, a quick clean captive bolt shot to the skull. 

Becoming someone else, mind twisted and warped, a terrorist taking her place. Her brain and being carved away to let someone else take root. Is it even a death? Or just ceasing to be? Rewritten, reworked, turned into someone new. A terrorist, a rockerboy; taking her place, wearing her like a cheap suit. 

Vik rubs at his forehead, refusing for another moment to make eye contact, giving her a moment. Letting this settle in or maybe he’s just trying to collect himself, after another beat of silence he meets her eyes again. 

“V. It's important you get all this,” he tells her, but, Vik can help her. He’s the best, pulled miracles out of nowhere, for fucks sake, he pieced her head back together. The fact she’s here right now means…

“That’s okay, you’ll fix me up. Right, Vik?”

And his face falls, a quiver in his jaw, “If I could, I would, V, believe me. But this is… Way beyond what I know how to do.” 

“You're the best of the best, Vik,” her voice is higher than she wants, shakier than she’d like, as he puts his head in his hands again,  “Why can't you help me?”

“Want the long story or the short?” He sits up straighter, takes in a deep breath, trying to pull himself together. 

“I want- I need to know everything, Vik, what’s happening to me?” 

“OK. There was, is, a construct, a psyche on the chip. That of Johnny Silverhand. You jacked it in your chipslot. Nothing happened, right? Until you died.” 

“Shot point blank by Dex Deshawn...how…” 

“Low caliber - you lucked out. Not least thanks to another poor decision by Mr. DeShawn. The nannites off the chip started fixing the damage. Biochip revived and... short-circ'd you. Started uploading data into your head. As far as it was concerned, your brain was an empty vessel that needed to be filled by the engram it was carrying.” 

“But-but, I’m here, this is me. I’m me, I-” 

And he nearly breaks, she can see it in him, A grown man, old enough to be her dad, looking down like a kicked dog. Like he’s about to break down in tears and when did she start crying? Her eyes stinging, tears running hot down her cheeks, she doesn’t know when the dam bursted, when her voice started sounding so pathetic. But...this is her, she’s here, she doesn’t want to become someone else… 

“The shard doesn't read, it writes. Headache of yours? It's the biochip rewiring your neural pathways, building new neural structures, doing away with the old. From the biochip's perspective, your brain cells are a tumor that needs to be scooped out, while your body's an empty shell to hold the construct. You’re….just a cancer, an intruder.” 

An intruder, a cancer in her own fucking body. It’s almost poetic, if it wasn’t so infuriating. Her body trying to destroy itself for years and now this chip is joining the fight, like her body was never meant to be her’s. But it is, this is her. Years under someone else's thumb; she fought for the right to herself, her body, her life. And now some wannabe rockstar is out to ruin that?

“So, that’s it? Johnny What’s His Fuck is out to kill me? Booting me out of my own damn body and taking my place?” 

She tries to turn it into anger, blaming him, because who else does she blame? Anger is easier, safer, she can work with anger better than the anguish in her chest, the tears soaking her face. 

“It's not willful on his part. It's automatic, inevitable. And neither of you can stop it.” 

The finality makes her choke. Nothing to do. Nothing to stop it. This is happening. All she can do is wait to rot inside her own body, wait for the moment where Johnny claims it as his own. She’ll be gone, wiped, the world forgetting she was ever part of it. Just a weak little merc killed by her own body, never truly meant to be here in the first place. 

“Ca-can’t we just take it out? Turn it off-I, something?!” 

“Either way's out of the question. You'd die, immediately.”

“What do you mean?” “Chip saved you… it’s killing you, but, it’s also the only thing keeping you alive. Without it keeping your brain going… life support and a death sentence, all in one. “ 

“Vik, you’ve always come through for me, there’s nothing you can’t do. If-if you can’t help...what-what the hell do I do? Please… I,”  Vik stands up, looks at her like she’s already gone, arms crossed over his chest, “Vik?” 

“I wish I knew, kid.” And he turns his back to her, walking away. 

“Vik?” 

“Misty!” He calls the woman’s name half in a yell and half in a sob, breaking down. 

For a moment she’s left alone, wiping tears from her eyes. The look on Vik’s face trapped in her mind, looking at her like she’s already dead and this is her funeral. Looking at her like a wounded dog. Like her mother  and sister did when she lost her hearing. Pity, despair, mourning what’s been taken. And she cries into her hands, because this time it’s not her hearing. It's her everything. Years of trying to feel like she had an ounce of fucking control, just for it to be taken. Years of searching for a place in this world, for the world to tell her one never existed. Her own brain reworking itself to be anyone else, even a terrorist. 

There’s a creak of wheels against the floor, a wheelchair being pushed into her peripheral vision. Misty’s pushing it towards her, V doesn’t lift her head to make eye contact, just watching the chair wheels spin. 

“You're askin' too much from an old-timer like Vik,” Misty speaks softly, touching V’s hand and the merc finally meets her gaze, “C'mon, V, let's get you home.”

Misty helps V into the wheelchair, the merc’s legs shakier than she expected, and she curses under her breath. She hates it, needing the help, needing Misty’s hands to steady her. Feeling weak. But Misty helps her happily, wheeling her out the garage of Vik’s clinic to a car. Misty tucking her into the passenger seat and helping buckle her seat belt when the merc’s hands are too clumsy. 

V watches the world go by as Misty drives, looking at the city that passes by. A world, a city, she wanted a place in. That she wanted to respect her, to know her. A world she wanted to matter in, to prove she was strong, to feel like she meant something. And now she’ll just vanish from it, with no one caring. A world that will never miss her, because it never knew her to begin with. 

And a part of her wants to climb across the console and into Misty’s lap, to throw her arm around the older woman and sink there. To hug someone who to some extent, if only because of Jackie, cares about her, who maybe, just maybe she matters to. But for a billion reasons, ranging from the fact Misty’s driving to the fact she can’t imagine why Misty would ever want to hug her. While kind, V can’t imagine anyone wanting to curl up with the person who got their boyfriend killed. V promised to keep him safe and couldn’t. 

“You wanna talk, V, about what happened?” 

V doesn’t respond right away, unsure of what to say, there’s so much swimming in her head. So many words that just die on her tongue. Does she talk about Jackie, does she apologize? Does she act selfishly, talk about what’s happening to her? It’s all a mess. Then they’re pulling into the parking garage of V’s building. Misty gets the folded up wheelchair out of the back of her car, holding a bag with V’s belongings in it, bringing them to the passenger side. The older blonde opens V’s door and helps her into the chair, wheeling her to the elevator. 

The doors to the elevator close, ads playing across the screens, V fiddles with the fabric of the sweatpants that Vik put her in. She tries to speak, words don’t come out. She tries to sign, her fingers clench but don’t move beyond it. The elevator shaking as it takes them up to V’s floor. 

“Its-it’s all so hard to make sense of…” she finally says, just being honest, as the doors open and Misty wheels her down those dirty halls. 

“I know it is, sweetie, you’ve been through so much.” 

“We were just stealing the chip and then everything… went to shit…. And, and, then he died and I thought I was gonna die too with him in my sleep...if that’s what it was, like I was dreaming but...not.” 

“Sleep's a… Small hint of death, the inevitable,” Misty tells her as they reach V’s door, the older woman scooping up a box by the door as the merc unlocks it. 

Memories of her door fucking up flicker around her head, Robert Linder… No… that’s not possible. They hadn’t even touched Konpeki yet, but she swears she knows that name. That it’s him, his birth name. Robbie, Robert, before finally settling on Johnny. Her throat feels tight, chest constricting, how is that possible. Then Misty is pushing her through the doors. 

“I-I can't actually tell if I'm awake now, right now. Nothing feels real, I mean, I could be dead already, right?”

“Not something to think about right now, V,” Misty tells her, stopping the chair by her bed, before coming to stand in front of her, “Here, got some meds for you.”

There’s two pill bottles in Misty’s hands, blue and orange. She crouches down in front of V, meeting the merc’s eyes without looking down at her. Misty rattles the blue pill bottle. 

“Omega blockers - taken regularly, they'll keep things from progressing too quickly. Also, they should keep that guest of yours calm, quiet.”

Quiet. Because she’s going to see him, going to hear him, already has. The memory of hearing his voice, seeing him above her in the landfill. She’s not alone in her own head and putting him in a chemical straight jacket is all she can do. She takes the blue bottle from Misty, shaking the pills around inside, her only hope of squeezing out even six more months of life… before she becomes someone else. 

“Pseudoendotrizine's from me,” Misty shakes the orange bottle, “Effect'll be opposite. It'll speed things up, free the demon, so to speak.”

V takes the second bottle from Misty, shaking them around, as the older woman stands. Suicide pills… Misty is giving her a way to kill herself, only instead of getting to go to sleep and never wake up, it will speed him up. Rewrite and rework her. Death without the dignity of a true end, one day she just won’t be her.  She’d rather bleed out, rather have been left to rot in that landfill. At least then she would have died as herself.  Least she wouldn’t have to watch and feel as she becomes someone else, as she loses everything that makes her, her. And Misty wants to speed it up… wants to watch her die quicker… 

“Giving me a pill to kill myself… so I can die faster…” V’s broken little voice comes out and she see’s Misty’s eyes go big for a moment, soft and looking at V like a dying animal. Just a sad little thing to be pitied. 

“Listen, you're likely to be fine for a while. But some time down the road. It could turn into pure agony. I'm givin' you options, honey.”

“I have painkillers...I-” 

“Your psyche's gonna die, V. You'll feel… your old self slipping away. At some point, you won't recognize yourself. It'll be terrifying. It'll be painful. But it doesn't have to be.”

V nearly cries, but forces it back, thinking of the road ahead of her. The finality in Misty’s voice echoing Vik’s. So, why is she here, six months of suffering? If she’s lucky. She should have been left to die, least then it’d be a quicker one. A real one, instead of just becoming a stranger in her own body, instead of being rewritten, replaced. 

“Might as well just blow my brains out, be easier.”

Misty shakes her head, “Well, that way you'd kill two souls. Is that what you want?”

And maybe she does. Maybe she doesn’t. V isn't quite sure of the answer, herself. She just doesn’t want to hurt like this, doesn’t want to be here in this moment. Doesn’t want this.  A clean death is easier, instead Vik pieced her back together just so she could suffer. She thinks of laying down in the landfill, before she saw him, and wishes it back. To lay down in the muck, a bleeding mess, and never get back up. 

“I think...I need to lie down,” she says, her bed never looking so tempting. V pulls herself from the wheel chair and sits down on her bed, legs over the edge as she just feels herself sink into her mattress for a moment. After a moment, she feels Misty sitting down next to her. 

“Here,” Misty holds something in her hands, soft green eyes looking at V, “got one more thing for ya. Vik pulled this outta your skull.’

Misty gently pulls on V’s wrist, touch gentle as she makes the merc roll her hand over and presses a necklace into her palm. A circular pendant on a chain, wires suspending a bullet in the center of it. The merc rubs her fingers over the metal, the bullet that killed her. 

“Wha-?”

“A lucky charm?”

“Haven’t you heard, I got a terminal case of bad luck.” 

“Don't be silly. As long as you're alive, there's hope. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.” 

Misty says that and a part of V believes she believes it. But she said not moments okay, with that same confidence that V is going to die. And the merc can’t help but wonder if Misty even knows which one she believes more. How could V possibly stop this? Vik doesn’t even know what he’s looking at, how the hell could she? Her brain is destroying itself, turning itself into someone new. How do you stop that?

“Really think I can survive this?” V asks, just wanting to know how Misty really feels, if there’s any hope in this situation. 

“'Course you can. I mean, you did already die and come back once, didn't ya?”

“Technically...I guess.” 

“Promise you'll try to get some sleep?” Misty pats her thigh and starts to get up. 

“Misty, wait, um I, about Jackie...” She tangles her fingers in Misty’s sweater, voice catching, she can’t let her go without saying something about him. Misty sits back down. 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m, I’m...I’m so fuckin’ sorry, I…” 

“V… “

“I can’t believe he’s gone… It doesn’t feel real…” Tears burn at V’s eyes, falling down her cheeks with a blink. 

“Jackie…  was special. Really spiritually rich. He touched so many people with his love. Don't worry, he'll be around. I don’t think… we ever truly lose the people who meant something to us, a part of them always stays with us, ya know?” 

“Maybe… he… talked about yout lots, you know that? He loved you to pieces.” 

A soft smile starts to pull at Misty’s black painted lips, before it falls again, fingers messing with her hair as she weighs what V’s said. 

“We got into a fight right before he went off to do this job.”

“He wasn’t mad at you. I hope you know that, loved you more than anything.” 

“I know. I just… wish our last moments together could have been… different.” 

“Sure you'll be okay?” 

Misty is too good for all of this, truly, she deserved so much better. And V just wishes she could have brought Jackie home to her.  Misty chews her lip and after a moment she nods, looking up to V. 

“Life is so beautifully powerful, so much more powerful than death, so yeah, I’ll be fine. Not today and probably not tomorrow, but I’ll get there. And so will you.” 

“Maybe…” 

“But right now,” Misty squeezes V’s shoulder,  “you need rest. So sleep, please sleep.”

With that desperate plea, Misty stands up, pushing the wheelchair out through V’s apartment. She only stops once, casting a final somber look at V, as if checking to see if the merc has moved at all. Then she leaves. And V is left alone with her thoughts, with her worries, with her guilt, and fear. 

Body and mind heavy with the weight of it all, she takes out the loaner hearing aids that Vik gave her and pushes herself back into bed. She lays down, feeling the soft of the mattress sink underneath her. V takes another look at the bullet pendant, holding it over her head as she stares at the thing that killed her. Pried from her head and now in her hand, it seems surreal. Everything feels that way lately. 

She lays her head down on her pillow, holding the pendant close as she lets herself just relax for a moment. To just let this all go if only for a few hours, to let her mind and body rest, to figure out what she’s going to do when the morning comes. Her eyelids grow heavy, slipping into sleep. 

There’s an odd, almost electric sound that starts to gently stir her from sleep, like a tv glitching. Followed by a soft thunk, thunk, of something hitting something else. Her heavy eyelid slowly pull open. A man against the wall between her bed and window. Overgrown dark hair, aviators hiding brown eyes, dressed in a bullet proof vest and leather pants. He thumps his head back against the wall, a pent up energy drawing every muscle in his body tight, like a tiger about to pounce. 

“Gotta get out of here, understand? And I kill anyone who gets in my way.” 

And he’s on top of her, in a flicker, a flash, he’s suddenly crouching over her body, staring down at her. Close enough to smell cigarette smoke and a hint of sweat, close enough to see the dirt that clings to his skin, scratches in his flesh.  His silver hand presses against the mattress beside her head, 

“You included.” 

She flinches and kicks out at his warning, the gravel of his voice promising to end her if he has to. And he’s gone, just as easily as he arrived. A dream?  Her heart hammers in her chest, breaths shallow as she tries to calm down. 

Her mind is still foggy  as she starts to sit up in her bed, then she hears the glitching sound again, the thumping noise of a head hitting the wall. V swallows a lump in her throat, blinking at the man who’s back against the wall, thumping his head. 

“Need a smoke,” he demands, seemingly annoyed he has to say it, “where’d you stash yours?” 

A stranger in her apartment, in her mind, trying to bum cigarettes. Her hearing aids still tucked away, yet she hears him clear as day. It’s all surreal. She can’t bring herself to answer immediately, still half out of it, her vision seeming to glitch as she moves. A cyan fuzz to the world as she slowly sits up on the edge of the bed and brings herself to stand up, looking at him. He’s not real, she has to remind herself, even though he looks and smells like it. Just a figment in her head, threatening her life and demanding nicotine. 

“D-don’t smoke.” Is all she can think to say, as stupid as it is, thankful for a moment she can’t hear herself say it, can’t truly take in her own idiocy. As if that’s the most concerning part of this whole mess. 

“Then go out and get some! Just need one last one!” He screams at her, making her flinch, head hurting already. 

“Jesus christ, man,  calm the fuck down.” 

“The fuck kinda joytoy are you s'posed to be?” He sneers at her, looks down his nose at her. Heat and anger rush through her, face warm, asshole. Snide, fucking prick. Not worth it, though, just some asshole rattling around her skull. 

“No, I- I’m not dealing with this.” 

She shakes her head and turns to go to her closet; grab some clothes, pop the pills, take a shower, and figure out what to do from there.  Then he’s in front of her, before she’s even made it past her desk, hands slamming into her chest as he pushes her back. She cries out as she hits the ground, pain shooting through her already injured body. He stands over her, right hand pulled back, ready to strike and his left in front of him. 

“Who you work for? Start talkin'!”

He points a chrome finger at her and her left finger points back him, moving without her consent, world glitching with cyan fuzz around her. She tries to clench it, to pull it back, to control her own body. But nothing and behind his eyes, she sees him looking. Testing it, he unclenches his hand and her own mirrors the motion. He twists his hand around and hers does the same in turn, in perfect sync, like she’s just a puppet. She tries to pull her hand down, but nothing. 

His right arm moves and her own follows the motion, no matter how much tries to pull it back, as muscles aching from her rebellion. Her body listens to him, not her. This can’t be happening, he can’t control her, he can’t make her do things. Vik said six months, it's barely been hours and she already can’t move her own body.

“Fuck…” The man above her curses, turning his palms to his face, her hands doing the same. 

For a moment, she considers begging him to release whatever control he has on her, if he even knows how to do it but stops herself before the broken plea can be heard, nothing but a soft noise dying on her lips. Disgusted she would ever have to beg to have control over her own body, cursing herself as his right hand pushes back into his hair. Her hand does the same, pushing through her hair to rub over her chip-slot.

“Fucking chip,” her fingers pry at the biochip without her permision and she’s reminded of Vik’s warning,  “Rip the thing out myself!

Let him, let the dumb bastard kill them both; she decides just before he tries to rip the chip out. Fingers prying at the damage tech left in her skull,  And she screams, like a shock to her brain, a bolt through every nerve as her vision glitches. Her body tenses, seizes, and somewhere she hears him yell too.  World going dark for just a moment. 

Then red dances across her vision, world and sense slowly returning, she’s somehow twisted to face her window. Not sure how she ended up there, if she had a seizure, if he dragged her. But it looks like he gave up on prying the chip out, because shes’ alive, she thinks. There’s that blue fuzz and static floating around her vision again as she starts trying to get up. 

Before she can get both feet under her, there’s a hand wrenching into her hair, twisting the strands around his fingers and yanking. She cries out as she’s pulled up to her feet by her hair, freshly stitched together scalp being pulled on. V presses her hands to the window sill and glass, trying to get her bearings as she’s pulled back back by the hair. Her reflection stares back at her, her pitiful face wincing in pain, Johnny behind her pulling her around like a ragdoll. 

“I’ll take control!” 

It’s a snarled yell into her ear, his breath on her neck as he slams her head against the window, the a heavy sound of flesh cracking against glass. 

“I’ll find a way!” 

He reels her head back and does it again, glass starting to splinter and break apart under the force. Then he pulls her back, twists her around to face him, moving fast. Hands quick and harsh, tearing at her skin as he wraps both around her throat. Flesh and metal cutting off her air as he slams her against the window, head bouncing against it as she claws at his hands. Finally in control of her limbs, but unable to do anything as he cuts off her air, leaning close enough for her to smell the smoke on his breath. 

“You hear me?!”

He screams in her face, brown eyes glaring over his aviators, harsh and burning into her skin. She can feel the hatred, the anger, all coming off of him in waves. It swims in her head and chest, pressing against her own fear as he strangles her, a snarled look on his face. He wants to kill her, to see her go limp and die under his hands right then and there. She knows that, can feel and read him, knows it as well as she knows her own name. 

Just as darkness pinpricks her vision, she feels the air return, rushing into her… just a moment before he lets go, letting her slide down the window onto the ground. She’s in no place to question it, sucking in deep grateful breathes, lungs burning for it as she watches him pace. 

Haphazardly, she pulls herself to her body, sitting on the edge of it; putting more distance between herself and the window he seems so fond of. She digs through her pockets, finding the omega blockers Misty had given her. V needs him gone like yesterday, to vanish like a bad fucking dream. 

“Not like that!” He yells and smacks the pill bottle from her hand, metal fingers stinging her skin and sending the medication across the room. 

“Fuc-ah!” V yelps as his right hand wraps tightly into her hair, again, yanking at the roots as he forces her to look directly at him, unable to see his eyes through his aviators. 

“Stick some iron in your mouth and pull the trigger!” 

He lets her hair go to reel back his hand, it cracks across her cheek in a heavy smack that sends the merc reeling to the ground. Sharp pain pinkening her cheek as she braces her hands against the floor, everything hurts. Her scalp torn at, her cheek struck, and her throat bruised. She feels it all, a brutal assault as real as anything she’s ever felt. 

“I can feel it,” he talks as he walks across the room, glitching with her vision, “our minds… touching…” 

Across the room, she sees it, beneath his pacing feet is the bottle of pills knocked down. Every muscle seizing, legs refusing to work as her body seems determined to shut down on her. But if she can just get to the pill she can shut him out. 

“I'm like mold on fruit… creepin' into you… Nothing I can do about it,” he rambles to himself, voice tight and angry as she drags herself across the floor, trying to reach the blockers. 

“You hear me!?” He yells, crouching to one knee just over them, taunting her before he flickers across the room again, “I'd puke if I fuckin' could!” 

She focuses on the pills, he’s irrelevant, not even real. Even if he feels like it, even if every strike and yank has left her hurting, he’s not real. V is nearly there, stomach rubbed raw at the drag of her body over the floor. She just needs him gone, far far away, put into whatever corner of his mind she can lock him away in. 

“It's just a copy of the engram - I'm out there somewhere, gotta be…” He keeps talking, keeps rambling, won’t shut the fuck up. 

“Just leave me the fuck alone! Get the fuck out, just go!” 

“Lead to the head is the only thing that’ll fix it,” he points his fingers like a gun at her head, before dropping to a knee in front of her sneering, “hear me bitch!? A bullet to the fuckin’ brain!” 

She grabs a pill from the floor, cramming it in her mouth and swallowing it try, rolling over onto her back as she begs for it to work. And he flickers into view, standing over her, looking down at her like she’s less than filth. Before he glitches out in a mess of static, cyan fuzz erasing him. 

And there’s a moment of relief, left in silence, safe from his hands. Safe from a touch too real for a brain supposedly only in her mind. Him being gone brings a moment, a glimmer of hope, the merc able to breath. To know for however long the pill lasts, she won’t be struck, or taunted. Won’t be plagued with his voice, the rough boom of it still ringing in ears that shouldn’t have heard it. 

This whole thing, the chip, her inevitable death… Vik said Johnny couldn’t help that, had no choice. And she knows from his memories he was put in the chip against his will. 

But this was a choice. The hair yanking, the choking, the screaming, the threats, all of that was his choice. And he made it clear, if it was up to him she’d just die faster. If it was up to him, he’d get the satisfaction of killing her with his hands rather than the chip. A stranger in her body, in her mind, able to control her and he wants her dead, he wants to hurt her. 

She cries, because what else can she do? Tears rushing out anew, it seems to be all she can do lately. V has no idea how to handle this, no idea how to stop it, how to keep him from getting control back. She doesn’t even know how long the pills will last, no clear dosage or instructions, just ‘regularly’. It feels pathetic, crying and weeping with no idea of how to fix it. But she allows herself that much, laying on the floor surrounded by pills, a new intruder in her body; she cries and curls into herself, hugging herself like a child. 

[cardest]

New York playlist

New York! New York! So good you gotta say it twice! What it also so good is this epic New York playlist I put together. Took me a while. I had many bands, musicians, artists to research before deciding on songs. Not to mention the endless list of talent that hail from that part of the world. Harlem, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx just to mention some of the surrounding areas with their own unique musical history. This list took some time.

Well, next time you’re in New York City,go to this NY playlist and feel the city vibes like never before. Enjoy!

001 Sesame Street '12' And Pinball Animation song 002 Handsome - Ride Down 003 Blondie - Dreaming 004 Sonic Youth - Kool Thing 005 Luscious Jackson - Citysong 006 Joan Armatrading - Heading Back to New York City 007 Lou Reed - Hold On 008 Helmet - Rollo 009 Late Show with Colbert and the Humanism theme song 010 Heavy D & The Boyz - Now That We Found Love ft. Aaron Hall 011 James Brown in Black Caesar - Down and Out in New York City 012 Guerilla Toss - Future Doesn't Know 013 Sonny Rollins - Harlem Boys 014 Biohazard - Tales From The Hardside 015 Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five - The Message 016 PRONG - _Turnover 017 Billy Idol - Hot In The City 018 INXS - Different World 019 Ramones - I Just Wanna Have Something to Do 020 Chandra - Subways 021 Cro-Mags -  Days Of Confusion 022 B Boys - Energy 023 Diff'rent Strokes - theme song 024 David Bowie - New York's in Love 025 Living Colour - Type 026 Swans - Sex, God, Sex 027 Leroy Hutson - cool out 028 Chick Corea - central park 029 S.O.D. - Pi Alpha Nu 030 Alan Vega - Saturn Drive 031 Jaume Branch - Theme 002 032 Michael Jackson - Billie Jean 033 PJ Harvey - Good Fortune 034 Bobby Caldwell - What You Wont Do for Love 035 Saun & Starr  - Sunshine (Youre Blowin My Cool) 036 DOPE movie OST - Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like Dat) 037 Type O Negative - Wolf Moon (Including Zoanthropic Paranoia) 038 Harlem River Drive - Harlem River Drive (Theme Song) 039 Simple Minds - Up On The Catwalk 040 C.H.U.D. OST - C.H.U.D. main theme 041 Public Enemy - Harder Than You Think 042 Peter Criss - Blue Moon Over Brooklyn 043 The Beach Boys - The Girl From New York City 044 Bob Marley - Reggae On Broadway 045 Black Anvil - My Hate Is Pure 046 Motorhead - Ramones 047 Echo and the bunnymen _ empire state halo 048 Cerebral Ballzy - Downtown 049 Harlem- Suicide 050 Cyndi Lauper -  Girls Just Want To Have Fun 051 Marvels Daredevil - Opening Titles theme song 052 Fleetwood Mac - The City 053 3rd Bass - Brooklyn-Queens 054 Anthrax - Only 055 RAMONES - Cabbies On Crack 056 Unsane - Rat 057 Daryl Hall - NYCNY 058 Love Bug Star Ski & The Harlem World Crew - Positive Life 059 Pist.On - Grey Flap 060 The Sex Pistols-New York 061 Talking Heads - Wild Wild Life 062 Los Straitjackets - Brooklyn Slide 063 De La Soul - A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturdays 064 THE DRAMATICS - Blame it on New York City 065 Aerosmith - Rats in the Cellar 066 GG Allin - NYC tonight 067 The Brooklyn Bronx & Queens Band - On The Beat 068 Le Butcherettes -  New York 069 New York Dolls - Subway Train 070 Laurie Anderson - The day the devil 071 Marvels Jessica Jones - Opening theme song 072 Skull Snaps - My Hang up Is You 073 Janet Jackson - What Have You Done For Me Lately? 074 Blondie - In the Flesh 075 Agnostic Front -  City Streets 076 Curtis Mayfield - Pusherman 077 Charles Bradley -  Aint It A Sin 078 Liquid Liquid - Cavern 079 Bill Withers - Harlem 080 Cherry Vanilla - The Punk 081 Ace Frehley  - New York Groove 082 Rolling Stones - Harlem Shuffle 083 Seinfeld Theme song 084  Beastie Boys - Stop that train 085 Boney M -New York City 086 Biohazard - Five Blocks To The Subway 087 MOD - Rally (NYC) 088 Herb Alpert - Manhattan Melody 089 Nazareth - new york broken toy 090 Fishbone - Sunless Saturday 091 Mortician - Necrocannibal 092 Fantomas -  The Godfather 093 Joe Jackson - Steppin Out 094 Sick Of It All - Insurrection 095 Paul Simon - Boy in the Bubble 096 The Shangri Las - Leader Of The Pack 097 Tombs - V 098 NINA HAGEN - New York, New York 099 The Cure - NY Trip 100 Cameo - Word Up 101 Rollins Band - Disconnect 102 Luke Cage: OST - Theme song 103 GEORGE BENSON - On Broadway 104 Jim Croce - You Don't Mess Around With Jim 105 Law & Order SVU  Intro Theme song 106 Le Tigre - My My Metrocard 107 Leonard cohen_First we take Manhattan 108 Prong - Snap your fingers,snap your bra strap 109 Velvet Underground - Rock & Roll from Loaded 110 Tito Puente - 110th St And 5th Avenue 111 NICOLE feat Timmy Thomas - NEW YORK EYES. 112 Kid Creole & The Coconuts - Broadway rhythm 113 White Zombie -  Super-charger heaven 114 Plasmatics -  Monkey Suit 115 Cats on Broadway - The Overture 116 Roy Ayers - We Live In Brooklyn, Baby 117 The Vibrations - Ain't No Greens In Harlem 118 Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - Coney Island Whitefish 119 Mel Torme - Broadway 120 Helmet - Biscuits For Smut 121 Swans -  Better Than You 122 Madball - Pride (Times Are Changing) 123 The Damned Things -  Handbook for the Recently Deceased 124 Handsome - Needles 125 RUN DMC - Beats To The Rhyme (Instrumental) 126 Jane's Addiction - Underground 127 Vision Of Disorder - Loveless 128 The Ronettes - Be My Baby 129 Marnie Stern - East Side Glory 130 Televison - See No Evil 131 Madonna - Into The Groove 132 Lunachicks - Subway 133 Type O Negative - In Praise Of Bacchus 134 Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street 135 Quicksand - Fazer 136 IGGY POP - Dont Look Down 137 Surfbort - Back to Reaction 138 Marvels The Punisher - Opening theme song 139 Blondie - The Hardest Part 140 Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood - Greenwich Village Folk Song Salesman 141 Agnostic Front - Police State 142 RAMONES - 53rd & 3rd 143 FEAR - new yorks alright if you like saxophones 144 Lydia Lunch    - Spooky 145 Native New Yorker - Odyssey 146 Little River Band - Statue Of Liberty 147 Lou Reed - Walk on the Wild Side 148 Motherlover (feat. Justin Timberlake) 149 Aretha Franklin - Spanish Harlem 150 Luscious Jackson - Ladyfingers 151 The Cars - Hello Again 152 Stetsasonic - Talkin All That Jazz 153 Kajagoogoo - Big Apple 154 David Bowie - Andy Warhol 155 Voices Of East Harlem - Wanted Dead Or Alive 156 Talking Heads    - Life During Wartime 157 Joe Strummer - Love Kills (Sid and Nancy: Love Kills SOUNDTRACK) 158 Galt MacDermot - Cotton Comes to Harlem 159 Unsane - D-Train 160 The Warriors OST - The Warriors Full Theme Song 161 Biohazard - Black and White and Red All Over 162 WILLIE WOOD & WILLIE WOOD CREW - WILLIE rap 163 The Cult Sonic Temple New York City 164 Andrew W.K.- I Love New York City 165 BT Express - Peace Pipe 166 Baby Shakes -Turn It Up 167 Public Enemy - A Letter to the New York Post 168 The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Tales of the Old New York The Rock Box 169 Chicago - Another Rainy Day In New York City 170 Brooklyn Nine Nine - Main Title Theme 171 Cro-Mags - These Streets 172 AC/DC - Safe In New York City 173 Gogol Bordello - AVENUE B. 174 RUN DMC - Hard Times 175 Breakfast Club - Right On Track 176 Foo Fighters -  I Am a River 177 Cameo - New York 178 Ratt - 7th Avenue 179 Dr. Boogie - Get Back To New York City 180 Frank Sinatra - New York, New York. 181 PRINCE  - All The Critics Love U In New York 182 The Rising - Bruce Springsteen 183 The Night Flight Orchestra - 1998 184 Necro - Tough Jew Instrumental 185 TOM WAITS - Midtown 186 Scorpions - The Zoo 187 Stevie Wonder - Living For The City 188 Leeway - Mark of the squealer 189 Nuclear Assault -  Cold Steel 190 Fantomas -  Rosemary's Baby 191 Wu Tang Clan - C.R.E.A.M. 192 Hanoi Rocks - 11th Street Kids 193 Patti Smith - Piss Factory 194 Moondog - Fog on the Hudson - On the Streets of New York 195 RAMONES - Something To Believe In 196 Neil Diamond - Brooklyn On A Saturday Night 197 Immolation - Despondent Souls 198 John Lennon - Just like starting over 199 PJ Harvey - you said something 200 Velvet Underground - I'm Waiting For The Man 201 John Cale - The philosopher 202 Bee Gees - Stayin Alive (Saturday Night Fever) 203 Suzanne Vega - Luka 204 Gorilla Biscuits - New Direction 205 Whodini - Escape (I Need a Break) 206 Agnostic Front - More Than A Memory 207 Beastie Boys - Helllo Brooklyn 208 Foreigner - Love on the Telephone 209 Gargoyles TV show Original Theme 210 Bush Tetras - Too Many Creeps 211 Lou Reed - Coney Island Baby 212 Ramones - Rockaway Beach 213 Public Enemy - Welcome To The Terrordome 214 Nico - These days 215 Swans - The Sound Of Freedom 216 Billy Joel - 52nd Street 217 XTC - Statue of liberty 218 Overkill -  Hello From The Gutter 219 Twisted Sister - Come out and play 220 Kiss - Deuce 221 Skinless - Savagery 222 Rob Zombie - Dragula 223 Grandmaster Flash And The Furious Five - New York New York 224 Ric Ocasek - Rockaway 225 Ministry - Lieslieslies 226 Gogol Bordello - Wonderlust King 227 Iron Fist - intro 228 BPD - South Bronx 229 INXS - Calling All Nations 230 Pyrhhon - Liberty at the ashes 231 Shelter - Civilized Man 232 James Brown - Don't Tell It 233 Bob Dylan - Visions of Johanna 234 GSH -17th Street 235 Helmet - Iron Head 236 Salt-N-Pepa - Expression 237 Alice Cooper - BIG APPLE DREAMING 238 Profanatica - Ordained In Bile 239 John Coltrane - Grand Central 240 PRINCE  - Lady Cab Driver 241 Lou Reed - NYC Man 242 KISS - Naked City 243 Brutal Truth - Ordinary Madness 244 Quicksand - East 3rd St. 245 Teruo Nakamura And The Rising Sun - Manhattan Special 246 Herbie Mann - Turtle Bay 247 The Jimmy Castor Bunch - Its Just Begun 248 Prong -  Whose fist is this anyway? 249 Rolling Stones - Undercover Of The Night 250 Biohazard - Failed Territory 251 Brian Eno - Over Fire Island 252 Mutilation Rites - Axiom Destroyer 253 RATM - Renegades Of Funk 254 Blue Oyster Cult - Burnin' for You 255 Whiplash - Last Nail in the Coffin 256 Billy Cobham - Total Eclipse 257 The Rods - Too Hot to Stop 258 Lalo Schifrin - No One Home 259 David Shire - Manhattan Skyline 260 The Doors - Strange Days 261 WASP - The Headless Children 262 Budos Band - Black Venom 263 Roy Clark - Twelfth Street Rag 264 Guerilla Toss - Human Girl 265 Cecil Taylor - Steps 266 Heartbreakers - Born To Lose 267 They Might Be Giants - Where Your Eyes Don't Go 268 Frehleys Comet - Into the Night 269 West Side Story Act I -  Something's Coming 270 Sleater Kinney - Far Away 271 The Clash - Gates of the West 272 Betty Davis - nasty gal 273 Crumbsuckers - Beast on my back 274 SOD - Pi Alpha Nu 275 Led Zeppelin - custard pie 276 Insect Ark - In the nest 277 Sweet Tee - On the smooth 278 Virgin steele - American girl 279 Hugo Montenegro - Moog power 280 Laura Branigan - hot night 281 Chad Mitchell - The other side of this life 282 Vanilla Ice - Ninja rap 283 ELF - First avenue 284 Pro-Pain - Voice of rebelion 285 Simon & Garfunkel - the 59th street bridge song 286 RIOT - Fight or fall 287 Ramones - Teenage lobotomy 288 Gang Starr - The place we dwell 289 Billy Joel - All you wanna do is dance 290 Manowar - Fighting the world 291 Manic Street Preachers - Patrick Bateman 292 Ray Parker - Ghostbusters 293 Futurama theme song 294 Sick of it All - Alone 295 Anthrax - NFL 296 Street trash OST - Viper theme 297 PJ Harvey - good fortune 298 Don Cherry - Awake Nu 299 The Contortions - dish it out 300 Sonic Youth - Disappearer 301 Sonny Rollins - East Broadway run down 302 White Hills feat. Jim Jarmusch - Illusion 303 Fishbone - Ugly 304 Jeffrey Lewis - Sad screaming old man 305 Debbie Harry - Jump, jump 306 Cro-Mags- From the grave 307 John Lennon - New York City 308 R.E.M. - Leaving New York 309 Escape From New York OST - Main Title song 310 Type O Negative - Everything Dies 666 Richard Marx - Remember Manhattan

I reckon my New York playlist could reach 350 songs! Can you help me? Add your own songs. Bring it!

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Jeremiah: how'd you know that was your granny?

Me; i remember her voice. Jeremiah don't cry

Jeremiah: that's so fucked up how do you say that to someone?

Well... I remember her voice and im sure God made sure that memory was open for me. She got a real rugged voice like her life, I knew it when she said I had to apologize. Its a voice that carries all this pain from all these years. Remember she was real old and wrinkled like crispy crispy fried chicken. And her little old eyes... They were always sad and mad and all mean no nonsense and she couldn't ever hear and i hated yelling at her so she could hear so she had me write it down for her.

But her voice is like her face when she was alive, deep from the heart carrying what the heart feels, that's how. Just carrying all her life dignity and harsh life experiences.

So a little story about my mom and my granny. Denise used to live with my granny in one of them silver bullet type campers but it was real spacious. She used to live there with granny to keep her ass from jail. Granny was the only one that could ring her up by her neck like a chicken and beat that ass.

One time we went to visit in about 1985 and Denise went in there and stabbed her with an ink pen right in the foot. I remember that iodine they used to clean and heal it up with all on her skin. And the bandages.

Denise did it right in front of me cause i went out there and Denise was taking off ber top all "my granny gonna give me a bath" and my granny looked scared.

Mind you id already drank bleach watched my twin brother murdered in front of me abd bypassed death multiple times So i knew by looking in grannys blue eyes she wasn't about to give no one a bath.

So i looked all in the small trailer and told her "there aint no place to take a bath. There aint no tub. What in the sink? You're way too fat to"

"Well fine I'll wash the dishes" took a pan and knocked my granny out cold! I ran to get my dad and I felt i didn't run fast enough by the time i got back my mom was all trying sex shit on my granny who was knocked out. So i went outside and screamed on the top of ny lungs and everyone came running then.

They dumped granny in an old wash tub in the yard. Old silver one y'all rich people use to feed your calves and horses in. And woke her up and i was all satisfied cause I got to wondering "where does she bathe?" Well in the big house of course but they only had a shower there. So i was all "now that's a bath" the rest of the summer i used it for my bathing tub and my swimming pool and we made a mud pit to wrestle my cousin in. Girls against girls and boys against boys my granny said. Till i won all the girls at least twice then she said i could wrestle the boys. With my clothes on of course. Kyle was the only one that could beat me of my cousins. Now he is gangsta thug through and through. Big as Hell and i know I'd be a dumb bitch to start with him but he ain't nothing but a big ole teddy bear to most. Still would not cross him a bit. I beat a few of my uncles, too. But to be fair i was pretty wiggly and we were in some real wet slick mud from my tub overflow and swimming with the girl cousins and the boys splashing during their turn. And a bit of sprinkle instigation from my granny spraying us down to call quits and to hose those beat down so they could go play safe.

So that night i was hiding in my moms old bed with granny in her little house and my uncle all dumb came with my mom, not knowing what was to happen. Well my mom told little old Shane to beat it and my mom was all trying her Sins again and she kept wiggling at the curtain and all so I crept up to the corner and peeked around and Denise said "why is she in here?"

Granny said "well you didn't even know she was missing"

And so Denise punched her right in the eye! So i jumped up and knocked down the blue and green and yellow paisley curtain to separate the bed space, thankfully I jumped and it didn't heat me full on the head and i started screaming full on hoping my uncle was close enough to hear.

He was But he ran in the big house to get my dad and his dad and anyone else.

I was standing on the curtain when Denise stabbed my granny with the blue note pen we were using to talk with. And stabbed my granny right in the ankle space above her foot and under the calf.

Then she came for me so i ducked in that small 5 feet of space that the kitchen covered, yanked that pen out my granny and went towards my mom and she ran for the door, the fat coward. So I stabbed her right in the left shoulder blade like a boss bitch. I was 4 years old.

"Well you little" she spat as she turned with eyes only the Devil himself would be fond of. I was fucking exhausted fighting all day and being in the mud and all and i had been sleeping so i got pissed. I wouldn't done that shit she stayed in the big house like she was supposed to.

So i took that pan granny put in the drawer, a good 9 inch iron skillet only God could made and I started beating the shit outta her. Right on the left side of the face first then she fell all fake and i kept beating her then she started biting my granny!!! Right about then the door flew open and my little uncle that had just been out was there and he said "they're coming" i saw relief on my granny i was all "no i got this, shut the door I don't need the whole house seeing this"

But i seen a pair of old man grandpa hands that been working the prison for 40 years reach in and grab those fat ankles and pull her out and im yelling and beating her the whole time. "Hey! What the Hell are you doing?! I ain't finished! Shit and Fuck! Get back here you dumb bitch ---"

And i looked up in the dark and saw nothing but my grandpa's bright blue eyes twinkling in the low kitchen light "Well finish"

"I... Uh.. Let me get the pan!" I was plum confused "are you sure? I can for sure kill her"

"As you wish" and he gestured toward my mother's body. She was wrestling to wake up and grandpa put his bare foot brave to walk in the desert valley of Arizona square on her back and i told him hold on to the door so he didnt fall and i went wailing on her till my dad came and i looked at my dad with that iron pan in both my hands held low at my hips "but I'm not finished"

Oh grandpa just started laughing so hard he could barely stand i was glad he held that door cause for sure he would fallen. And grandpa said "ah just let her"

"Alright!!!" I started to begin wailing again "oh can i dad?" I was a perfect child, always getting permission from adults to murder. Still do. Still do. Except for here and there in My teenage years. "Oh and someone got to take care of her!" Cause my dad and grandpa were wondering if i was finished cause i was covered in blood. And granny was yelling "no its me! Let her finish!"

So my dad went in and left to get some bandages from the house. Cause she was squirting blood all over. And dripping and her tea towel (hand towel) was soaked nearly full of blood except the corners.

Granny hollering "I'll be fine! Let her finish!"

Y'all see me in this old lady? Genetics baby, i got the good ones.

So i started wailing harder than ever on that old beast. Im only four and that iron skillet was heavy and i been done using my muscles for the day already. But i got fueled for seeing that blood and i kept on the back of her neck till grandpa said "woah what's that pen doing out her back? Did you do your granny too?"

My mouth dropped open "no sir"

"Alright then finish" just like a prison guard he told me.

"Well yes sir where shall i hit?" My granny had been teaching me old fancy words and styles of speaking from "the old South" all day. Kinda testing me. She would say a sentence like "shall I order some tea?" And I had to guess what she asked "oh can you" and I would write "can" and she would say what kinda can? She would show me green bean can and i would shake my head no.

"Well you can hit her in the legs so she can't walk and do this no more"

So i hit her square on her lower ass "the top of the legs! The middle! The ankle, the calve!" I went up and down shouting anatomy I looked up at my granny and she looked tired with her head down so i yelled "oh fuck! Is she alright?!? Dad is my granny--?" And she waved her hand at me my dad was looking up at me, his eyes full of pain, sadness and glistening with humor and admiration. My mouth fell over "are you" and i stumbled towards him and granny waved me off again and i seen she was laughing and she sat up heehawwing all kinds! Then put her head down. Grandpa was shaking the whole door with his laughing nearly shaking it plumb off i was afraid. "Now what were you doing when i was shouting anatomy? Your face was different" i hit that ink pen in further about all i could muscle up seeing everyone was alright.

"Anatomy? Billy where she learned this shit from? I know shall and sir was from her but anatomy?! What? Go on you can hit again"

"Oh Idk i guess Denise"

"Yeah that bitch be hitting me if i don't help her study right. Don't you?" I grabbed her by the back of her bloody head and looked in her face and dropped both her and the pan "oh my God, that's gross. She about to stink"

She was dead.

"Now we gotta do CPR" said my tired dad

"Now you hold on! Now this is MY house! Sabrina you do the CPR" i helped him flip the bitch over "now Billy you stay right there. Sabrina now you jump on her chest! Get to starting!"

"But i don't wanna!!!!"

"Now come on I'll help you. Well hold hands, you know how to take a life dont you? Now you gotta earn your path and make sure you know how to restart one too! Now come on! Don't run!"

Dam I tried not to learn that lesson and dam if it hadn't stuck with me all these years. 4 year old kid me learned some real stuff back then in 1985 but here in 2019 i learned the rest of my path. Sometimes it's alright to let me finish and run off. Now me and Jesse are in a fight because he disagreed with me, i got real mad and some new friends questioned my judgement. But they understood after a nap. And i still ain't friends with Jesse now. Cause it ain't about death with him its the fact he still wants kr to suffer. So I'm glad my granny is back Because she aint that way. My grandpa is here, too And he sure is sorry. He died of cancer. My Granny just cause she was old lonely and had a broken heart. And Jesse better watch the fuck out cause hes the liar, not me. He got me mad. Done sent two people to kill me in Santa Fe and some bitch tonight all talking about hiding on my porch with a gun. I told his bitch ass he better be in a bullet proof vest cause ima shoot his face with it. He got scared m i told him he better start running and jesse was all she's too fat to chase you!! For real. My legs work. Today in 2019.

So now i listened cause my dad yelled but my granny said "let her run!"

But I listened cause my dad always protected me so if it was me I'd want CPR probably

And we had a discussion about it. And grandpa said "you want me and your dad to do it or you want me and you?!"

"Me and you, i guess. If someone's gotta do it better be Me, sir i got it" i grudgingly climbed on my moms fat where my grandpa gave me a tight hug and made my sadness disappate.

I tried to run again "now come here!"

"Awh! I thought I'd get a hug and that would be the end!"

"Is that what your mother do to you?"

I started all crying trying to explain.

"Never Mind ill call the ambulance"

My dad did and my dad said not to jump and put my feet where they should go and i just moved up and down real soft a bit once the ambulance lights turned the corner.

Grandpa said to take granny first although she was hurt a bit and said Denise was going to through coroner and the EMT argued "we are here to save a life"

"Then save her!" He pointed at me, "SHE did this Cause her momma, this one" he pointed at the ground "has been attacking dear old granny all day! Now call the coroner! I would say im sorry! But im not! Now call it up use the phone! Go on and do it!"

"Sir let me remind you you're not the sheriff!"

"then call him!!"

"Im glad I'm not in prison because now I can see why you work there youre scaryyyy"

"Did he make you do it?!?!"

"He stabbed my granny with a pen? No she did!!!!"

Granpa was all "whoa! Now she knows consequences of actions and you're standing here arguing and i got one bleeding to death, a little one all nervous and a dead body! Are you here to save a life or what not?!?!"

"Yes sir. Let me get in there to old granny but move her" finally he looked down "oh she's dead. Im sorry sir"

"Well i ain't!" My grandpa was loud granny laughed.

"Y'all are about as sick in the head as i ever seen" the EMT tried not to laugh

"Well you see a grown woman trying to rape your granny! That was her mom and she got her and i sure aint sorry it's about the 5th time today I had to get onto her about behaving!" Then grandpa's voice got quiet and gentler "now this one!" And he picked me up and carried me "now im going over to the tractor!!" And he put me up high on it and told me he was hiding me and I could run if i wanted, no one would ever catch me.

I didn't. And i was told to tell only what Denise had done to my granny. And i had won at muscle wrestling all day in the mud and i was in there sleep to protect my granny And i did. To the fullest extent of the law.

Unfortunately they sent the fat old bitch to the hospital and got her dumb ass back to life. Unfortunately I didn't beat it into her brains well enough... Cause now 34 years later.... Denise hasn't changed.

We should just put her in the field and ran her over with the tractor for the horses to eat and the dogs.

Its made me wiser to the world around me. Smarter than i can stand, until i want death myself because there's no end to misery.

But I've learned that i can't kill them all. So days that I get the good old dead back relieve a misery that i cannot stand that I see in so many people.

And those life lessons I learned all those years ago at the tender age of four have always stuck with me and have changed the world m from Iraq to Afghanistan to the good old USA. And they will continue to. And even in London.

And that's my promise given to me by the dead that they intend to keep.

So lately I've been thinking about Revelations in the bible. It keeps me happy to think one day (hopefully soon) all the evil will drop dead and all the good ghosts can once again have bodies they can keep. That keeps me healthy and "mentally sane" as they call it.

[motherstone]

Can you tell us more about your OCs? How are the OG cast their ancestors? Are Gabi and Sandra happy together now? Married yet? Your OCs are so rad and I love their story

!! AaaaAA thank you!! 😄😄😭😭💟💗💞💘💓💕💘💝 that’s is so rad of you op!!! And I’ll try my best to tell them a bit of their story:

Lemlin is born with a birth defect (underdeveloped elf ears), which makes him unable to receive vibrations (I hc the tip of elf ears are used to detect so) and hear things properly. He doesn’t really want implants and is actually perfectly fine with his disability, so he wears hearing aids instead and elf ears prosthetics just in battle. He had a full-blooded elf brother, Jaqes, who was the son of a wealthy nobleman before the Nobility class was dissolved a long time ago. They have a close and amiable relationship with one another, but Jaqes didn’t know he’s a member of the covert Auxiliary, much less a sharpshooter (which is ironic, because he’s the head of the Central Intelligence Division in there, a mix of CIA and FBI). Lemlin has a variety of friend including both humans, elves, and halflings. He’s really interested in theater, which is actually pretty suitable with his disability (deaf people are incredibly expressive while signing so yea!), and often goes on shows (Gigas goes with him on ocassion. They sorta have a father-son relationship haha). He’s the elf equivalent of 16 (no one knows. They thought he’s 22, it also doesn’t help he has his helmet on all the time). Lemlin is pan-ace. He lives in Milre, Gulfen.

Ian has a very strained relationship with his father (hc is that nearly all who is part of the Elf army are abusive fathers because they didn’t get the treatment they needed at the time), who is at odds with his homosexuality. He doesn’t care though, although at first he inherited his racism. That is, until his sister (Mako) had teenage sex with a human (who broke up with her when she got pregnant), and thus giving birth to a halfling, much to his anger. He’s even more furious with humans over this, but eventually realize his anger was bullshit, especially when his nephew was born. Now he has human friends, a human BESTfriend (Sandra), and is now seatching for a boyfriend (he’s working on it. If they can’t handle his personality they gotta go). Ian is passive-aggressive and sarcastic at times, especially on the field, so it causes great friction among the group, he is also prideful and assured with his great skills and technicality. However for all of his ego, he is a good leader when Gabi is not around and gets the job done, and is incredibly competent at what he do (he’s based on a few teachers and a classmate of mine haha). He’s the elf equivalent of 26, with kinfe skills, mechanic skills, pilot skills, and tactic skills, only second to Gabi (but the gap is still wide). He’s gay. He lives in Gorbon, Windsor.

Gigas! Big and friendly Gigas. He used to live in Ganon’s Gate, and had a halfling bestfriend, that is until said friend was lynched, to his great horror. It leads him to killing someone who went after him, which landed him in jail. Thankfully, Gulfen’s prison system is revised thanks to the King (Trellis. It’s similar to how prisoners are treated in Norway), so his actions are recognized as self-defense. While in prison, someone from the Auxiliary sees potential in him (it helps that he’s huuuuge. Like, 6"10’ huge. I decided that 7 feet is too tall), and thus offers to recruit him once his term is finished. By then, he’s a changed man, learning from experience, books, and stories from the inmates helped him develop a kinder and helpful personality (still cheerful tho. He’s always a joyous and passionate man). He gets into the Auxiliary and was assigned to Lufen, Coco, where he met his wife. It was a celebratio for the end of the great war, and the city was holding a huge banquet (similar to the fiesta of the Philippines where the food is laid out on a huuuuge table), and that’s where he met his future wife, whom he loudly comolimented her cooking (he’s a cook himself). There’s a lot more to his story besides this but I’ll cut it off. He’s the elven equivalent of 36, and is an incredibly strong guy, but lacks any sort of outstanding ability besides that. His personality acts as a great mediator amongst the group, and as a guiding and kind voice to all, and is very friendly towards Theorn. He’s straight. He lives in Coco, Lufen with his son and wife.

Sandra! She’s the physical incarnation of Dumb Bitch Energy (aaaa bit of a self-insert ahah). But by God is she agile and fast. She has 4 siblings (a couple are adopted) and she’s the oldest, her family owning a farm in Lufen. She used to be assigned in Gulfen to detect and neutralize landmines with her dog, until her legs got blown off along with her companion. It devastated her so much, she uses sex to cope (she’s hypersexual, but dw she is working on it). Sandra can a bit slow and dim-witted at times, but has a treasure trove of street smarts with instincts to match and is a friendly person to anyone regardless. She is on ocassion sorta oblivious to the atmosphere, which makes her make a situation worse, but if you direct her on the field, she uses her creativity to do her job efficiently. She’s bffs with Ian, often spending time with one another to the point of a qpr (queer-platonic relationship. THAT close). She’s 23. She’s bi/pan. She lives in a developing town of Lufen.

Theorn, an expert swordsman who is the only person left from the Redbeard warrior clan. He’s still using Leon’s sword, still at good shape, at the age of repulsor and stonekeeper tech (which is impractical but he’s still good fighter so they don’t stop him). He was orphaned at a young age, but developed a strong moral code regardless and became a police officer in Kanalis as a result. He got tangled in with the Auxiliary when he gets out during a lockdown (upon which all citizens goes underground for safety) to help people when the city is attacked by a rogue mountain giant, and sees Gabi slaying the thing and encountering Ian (who is in a different squad from Gabi. This is so long ok), which he is not meant to do or see, as the Auxiliary’s existence must be kept secret. He and Ian fights but they were toe to toe when it comes to close combat, they knock him out and takes him to the Hexagon (Auxiliary HQ) with the intent to wipe his memory of the event, to which he simply pleads to join, feeling he’ll be able to contribute more. Now he’s in a squad of the weirdest, egoistic people he’s met, and although looking serious, is absolutely at a loss of words at the Auxiliary’s odd happnings and morbid humor (heard soldiers develop nihilistic and fatalistic sense of humour once), but deep respect at the fights and sacrifices that they do. His lawful, goody-good personality is often at odds with the group (he’s kind of the prim and proper guy while these dudes… Can be wacky at times), to his great frustration, with Gigas the only person taking him seriously. He is at most odds with Ian (haha sexual tension everyone?) and with Gabi’s chaotic neutral/good personality. He is still good friends with them tho and cares about their sakes. Theorn is still a reliable and the most trustworthy guy of the group, and although his skills are nowhere near outstanding outside parkour, hand-to-hand combat and swordplay, he is strong, fast, and agile in his own way. He’s 24. Theorn is bi/pan.He lives in Kanalis, Windsor.

Gabi. Hot-headed, incredibly petty, batshit strong and skilled Gabi. She follows her own moral code, and is often at odds with the authority at Auxiliary and her own squad until she realizes her toxic attitude aint shit and changed. Now she’s the most serious of the group, but at least reasonable. Has a very fucked up sense of humour and hates Theorn’s personality (cop-convict anyone?), but ultimately came to resoect him for insisitng on doing good in a shitty world. Has a serious crush on a developing artist, who was pretty nice and her cheerful and lax personality helps her feel safe and comfortable, helping her develop social awareness and skills. She is in fact, not in a relationship with Sandra (not her type). Her crush used to have a crush on someone, but eventually stops and slowly has a crush on her (not that she knew. She was p much resigned to unreqruited love). But like her, her cursh has a deep set of mental issues, leading her to fall into depression and neglect, making her unable to work on her recruitment piece for Gulfen’s Institution (which offers free tuiton to its students should they oass and it’s a great school). Gabi then often breaks out of the Auxiliary without permission and during vacation months to take care of her recovery (it started when her mother beat her up in her OWN home, an small dilapilating apartment, making her feel paranoid and unsafe. It ignited old self-loathing and unwavering sadness yet again). She eventually gets better, and gets accepted, to the duo’s happiness. At a celebration party, she takes Gabi as her plus one. As they dance, Gabi finally confesses her feelings, which her crush actually reciprocates. They then starts a happy and healthy relationship. She the elven equivalent of 25. She’s a butch lesbian and lives in an unspecified part of Gulfen. Did I mention Gabilan is her pops

Ravis. He, him/they, them. They think idealistically on ocassion, even ny Theorn’s standards so the squad is kind of exasperated with him. It doesn’t help he is more naive and inexperience in comparison to them (yes, even Lemlin), with a good childhood to boot (in comparison to theirs) so it took quite a long while for them to warm up the guy. Ravis used to have a happy and healthy childhood in Lucien with his mother, and his father working abroad in Gulfen, but visits them very feequently. It all changes when the King suddenly (tw: suicide) committed suicide (?) (they never found the body), plunging the Elf nation into chaos and government shutdown affecting their lives outside Gulfen. They continue on regardless, with their mother ending up as a widow, and they studied to become one of the leading pioneers of Alchemy, under their mother’s tutelage. They then studied combat under three teachers during their teen years, and in nearing the end of their third term, theur mother is afflicted with an unprecedented terminal illness, and dies. Even though they are of age, they quietly move into the North East of Gulfen, in a remote village where they work as a healer. Needing his intelligence, the squad was sent over to recruit and escort them, in order to investigate a chemical used when an attack on the Border Guard occurs, leading to a breach and thus ending the 500 years of the Gate being infallible. They nevertheless have a compassionate and empathetic nature, driven to help others especially those in need. He is quite well-spoken and intelligent, and has good social skills. Oddly enough, he doesn’t really have friends until the squad. They’re the elven equivalent of 20, and is a certified doctor.

[geminiwrld]

The Jacket 01.

Sweet Pea x Reader

   Riverdale, a town where everybody knows each other and their business. A place that had a great divide better the posh north side and the destitute south side. One side had the Serpents and the Ghoulies  while the other had the Lodges. Each side had their dirt, maybe more than the other, but there was something special about the both of them.

A new family was coming to Riverdale, and rumors were already brewing. Well, one of the family members was familiar with the small town. The mother, Diane Jackson, a chocolate firecracker, with an afro big enough to supply Earth, Wind and Fire,was born and raised in Riverdale. When she was eighteen she left her hometown, because she wanted to see what was outside of her tiny town. She went to Seattle, Washington a city where her past would not catch up with her and she could peacefully start a new  life their and she did. A force drew the family to Riverdale and the three members all agreed that the city life was becoming to reckless. So they decided to pack up, leaving their life in Seattle and moved to the seemingly peaceful town called Riverdale.

                                                       -------

         The gruff sounds of a Uhaul and the soft humming from a motorcycle were the only sounds heard on the road. Upon the family’s arrival the weather was depressing, grey skies and  cool winds, shades of green whipped passed the drivers as they made their way to the town. In the Uhaul, Diane sat in the driver seat and her husband Vontae, a tall caramel man and had a short fro,  who was the sunshine of Diane’s eyes slept in the passenger seat.They met soon after Diane moved to Seattle and were connected by the hip  ever since. Their daughter

rode behind them, trying not to go too fast.

     Cassandra Jackson, the new sophormoreat Riverdale High. A medium toned African-American teen, with tight brown curls touching the middle of her back. Her dark brown eyes ignited with passion and rebellion as she goes about her days. She was a perfect mix of boom and street smart, just like her mother. She always knew how to play the game, without getting caught up,even in unfamiliar places  like Riverdale. Another thing Cassandra got from her mother, was a jacket. The leather jacket, with a two headed red eyed, green serpent on the back. The words “South Side” on the top and “Serpents” on the bottom, was always found on the teen. The jacket came from her mother, a symbol of her time in Riverdale, the truth but not the whole truth.

                                                          ------

 The family continued driving along the bumpy road and soon made a turn disappearing amongst the trees. The further they drove, a sign on the side of the road became more visible.A curious Cassandra slows down and puts her foot on the ground as she stopped to read the sign.

  “Riverdale, the Town With Pep!” she mocks in a high pitched voice  “Tch.”

She sets herself back on the bike and continues to drive to her destination

                                                       ————

    The trees left and were replaced with shabby houses, trailer parks, small shops, an abandoned school with graffiti all over,and this large log cabin styled building with motorbikes decorating its parking lot. The trees took its place once again and Cassandra began to ride faster. After playing speed racer behind her parents and hearing the glorious honks of the other riders on the road, the family crossed the train tracks that led to the other side of town. A retro diner right by the train tracks,caught Cassandra’s attention.

     “How cute.” she thought.

    She continued to ride and soon the scenery changed again. This was obviously the nicer part of town. The small shops looked more kept together and the streets weren’t as dirty as it was on the opposite side of the tracks. The homes on this side were a lot more upscale. A complete 360 from what was behind the diner. This is the side of town the Jackson family would be residing for the rest of their time in Riverdale.

    Driving through the suburban neighborhoods of Riverdale,the Uhaul began to slow down approaching a of a white two story house. Cassandra stopped at  the mailbox and took off her helmet, while her parents backed into the driveway next to their red Toyota Camry and her navy blue Ford truck behind it. The cars and the bigger furniture was brought to their new house a 3 days  in advance. She leaned on the bike and waited for her parents to come out. Her mother, Diane, jumped out of the truck first followed by her father,Vontae. Her father started unloading the U-haul while Cassandra and Diane started talking.

  “Hey mom, I got the jacket,” Cassandra smiled “almost forgot it.”

 “All these years and this jacket still looks good as new.” Diane rubbed her daughter shoulders

 “That’s ‘cause it has an awesome owner.” she gave spin with a smirk.

  Diane laughed softly at her daughter antics.

 “Come on let's help your father with the stuff.”

  “Yes m’am.” She nodded.

   After what seemed like a decade, everything was unpacked. The only that remained was a small box in Cassandra’s bed that contained memories of her past life back home. Diane and Richard were down stairs fixing dinner, while the curly haired girl was upstairs taking a shower.She came out of the bathroom with a purple cotton towel wrapped around her body and made her way to her room, shutting the door behind her. Cassandra changed into pajamas, black shorts that stopped mid-thigh and a random shirt, and went downstairs to eat.

    Everyone ate in silence, until Cassandra decided to break that.

   “So, what’s the school called again?” She looked up at her parents

   Vontae dropped his fork, “How could you forget and we just told you?” His deep voice could vibrate the table.

  “You told me a week ago, how could I not forget.” Cassandra said sarcastically.

    “Riverdale High is the school and you start tomorrow.” Diane sighed and continued eating.

   “Tomorrow! I can’t even see what this town is about?” She dropped her fork.

  The parents continued to eat.

  “You can… after school.” The mom stuck out her tongue in a cheek my matter.

   “If you say so” she sighed “Where is this place at?”

“We passed it up on the way here. ”  She knew her daughter was trying to get out of going to school.

  “Right.” She rolled her eyes and started eating again.

  “It is a good school, I enjoyed going there.” she said reassuringly.

  “I thought you went to Southside High?”

   “Yeah I went there for my last two years since they finished building the school after ny sophomore year.”

  “Oh.” she nodded

  “You have to start for eight, so be up at 7 or before then”, He said sternly, “and no shenanigans!”

She took a final bite of her food and said, “Yes sir and yes m’am.” She got up from her seat and headed to the kitchen to put her plate in the sink. Cassandra told her parents goodnight and headed up the stairs, to her room, and finally to sleep.

                                                         ————

  Banging on the door slowly faded in the sleeping teens ears.Cassandra peaked from under her covers, immediately regretting her decision as she groaned at the sunlight that passed her curtains.

  “Wake up sweetheart, it’s your first day!” A loving voice came from the other side of the door.

Cassandra huffed and sat up, glaring at the door through her hair in her face.

   “Kill me why don’t you?!”

The door opened and Diane leaned against the threshold. She put a hand over her heart and gasped.

  “Oh, I couldn’t do that.” she shook her head.

Cassandra slung the covers off of her body, letting her feet touch the tan carpet.

   “Oh yeah why not?” In groggy voice she stood up.

   “Duh, I would go to jail and who wants to go jail?” She yanked one of Cassandra’s arms and dragged her to the bathroom.

   “This counts as abuse you know.” She whined.

   “No it’s not.” Vontae says standing next to the bathroom door, sticking out his tongue.

    “I know my rights, and this” she pointed at her parents, “aint right” you shut the door.

     “Sure Jan.” They said together and laughed.

   The curly haired beast looked  at herself in the mirror and huffed. She started to the run the water and brushed her teeth while waiting for the water to get warm. Cassandra spat into the sink and rinsed her mouth out. She smile  at herself in the mirror and proceed to take her shower.

                                                  ——————

  After her shower she returned to her room to get dressed for the day.

She went to her closet and found a pair of ripped skinny blue jeans and a loose white t-shirt. After putting those on she went to her vanity and picked out her hair and then brushed it up into a bun. Light makeup was applied and she was ready. Cassandra grabbed her black combat boots, her book sack, and her leather jacket and left her room.

     “Come on!” A feminine voice rang from down stairs.

     “I’m coming!”

She walked down stairs and met her parents at the bottom of the stairs.

   “How do I look?” Cassandra gave a fake smile.

  They stared at her.

   “Alright let’s head out” Richard said.

   “Slander. Pure slander.”she said under her breathe.

   Diane had Cassandra’s keys in her hands. Cassandra grabbed the keys from her mother’s hand and started going towards the door.

    “Alright I’ll be on my way.” she rushed out of the house and locked the door.

  Her parents stood side by side of each other stared at the door  that their daughter went through.

“Have a nice day” Vontae said softly

 The rumble of her motorcycle was heard from outside and soon faded out as she took off to her new school.

“Shit!”  Diane jolted, scaring her husband.

“ What ?”

“Was she wearing the jacket?”

“I don’t know I was paying attention. I think so..”

 “Shit!”

 “What’s the problem  she wears it all the time?”  Vontae crossed his arms.

Diane sighs, giving up “I need to tell you something.”

[sehunsgirl]

1-102 :))))

question: why you like that. ok i’ll answer the ones i haven’t.

1. what’s a song you depict with your childhood?

Melanie Martinez’s Pity Party

2. did you have a memorable childhood pet?

i used to have a cat named Xiggy ( nickname for Xigbar. and yes the one from Kingdom Hearts LMFAO ) he was a stray who i got attached to and my mom got him all fixed up and tested and i kept him for a few yrs but he ran away HAHA 

9. which came first the chicken or the egg?

i hate this question that i refuse to answer. 

10. are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them?

i am. i’m not straight. and...absolutely? haha.

11. how many siblings do you have?

i have only half siblings. 5 of them.

12. have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love?

since i’m not sure i’ve ever even been in love in the first place: probably not.

13. are you a good cook?

i forgot i was boiling water and burnt it just a few days ago. hope that answer this question!

14. what is your favorite tv show?

don’t have one! but i watch the Discovery ID channel every day lol

15. what is the last movie you cried during?

uh actually idek. pretty sure it was Mulan though LMAO ( i went on a disney movie binge )

16. what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any)

She’s Dreaming , Skyscraper , What If... , Time Lapse, and Wild Horses [ just a FEW ]

17. do you have a middle name?

it’s Monique.

18. have you been out of your country?

not yet! but i wanna!

19. are you a chocolate fan or not?

meh, not really. only every now and then do i eat it.

24. what is your favorite flower?

pink roses!!! 

30. do you have neat handwriting?

lmao NO. my handwriting still looks like it did in high school bc i rarely hand write anything anymore.

31. do you have a friend with benefits?

currently: DIFFICULT question pass!

32. do you want a friend with benefits?

actually. . been thinkin bout that but iduno!

33. if you could be anything in the world, what would you be?

Nothing.

34. have you ever been blackout drunk?

kinda. i hate getting blackout drunk if i am being honest. i know my own drinking limits, so i try not letting myself get to that point but i have been drunk to the point of falling asleep on my bathroom floor and waking up confused 😪

35. have you ever met someone famous?

like officially? No.

36. how many concerts have you been to?

five? ya five i think.

37. which concerts have you been to?

back in middle school i went to some papa roach / buckcherry / other artists with my step sister. i’ve also been to KCON NY twice and EXO’LuXion and EXO’rDIUM

39. what do you do when you’re stressed?

either cry or do something to act like i aint stressed until it boils over and then im back to crying 

40. do you think money can buy love?

no, but some people think it can. all the power to u if that’s what it takes for u to love someone ig

41. how old would you date?

like my age range in who i would date? tbh i’m not someone who really looks at age. you can connect with anyone, no matter what. though my cap is under 18 or over 40

42. have you ever done something illegal?

who knows

44. what is an unusual fear you have?

don’t think any of my fears are pretty unusual tbh

45. can you drive?

yes

46. do you believe in supernatural creatures?

absolutely. we aren’t the only creatures in the world. us, being humans.

47. do you believe in karma?

yup. what comes around goes around as justin timberlake said in the early 2000s

48. what is one quality you need in your partner?

honesty.

49. do looks matter?

trust me, they do not.

50. does size matter?

again, trust me, they do not.

51. who is the last person you forgave?

that is something i will keep to myself.

52. what is your favorite ice cream flavor?

butter pecan.

53. what languages can you speak besides english? 

none fluently, sadly.

54. ever been on a plane?

yes.

55. ever been on a boat? 

yes.

56. is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? 

honestly....yes.

57. are there any friendships you regret?

sadly, yes.

58. are there any friendships you wish you could make?

yup.

59. have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours?

uhm... more often than not, i kinda do LOL but ya

60. have you ever walked outside after 12 am?

yes.

61. have you ever seen a sunrise completely through?

believe it or not: yes!

62. are you scared of rollercoasters? 

eh so-so

63. on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually?

1000

64. do you have any plans this weekend?

i have an all day photoshoot planned tomorrow.

65. do you miss anyone right now?

i miss A.

66. who do you wish you were talking to right now?

A.

67. if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

cloning.

68. who is your favorite superhero?

don’t have one.

69. are you dirty minded?

... yeahhh hahah most times, also i see why you asked this since it’s the 69th question smh

70. what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s?

jesus. ... 80s: Darling Nikki ( by Prince ) 90s: My Little Secret early 2000s:  Say My Name

71. how many kids, if any, do you want?

maybe one or two

72. who is your biggest OTP?

let’s not ( its sebaek & baeksoo )

73. what is your favorite food?

chicken and dumplings!

74. do you want to be married one day?

i doubt anyone would wanna marry me but ya 

75. dogs or cats?

i like both

76. do you drink enough water daily?

not really but i’ve been doing better with this

77. have you ever seen a shooting star?

no! :(

78. if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you?

no lmao

79. how many best friends do you have?

two.

80. when was the last time you cried?

earlier but that’s because i was scared and not feeling okay

81. have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself?

yes omg the memory is so vivid lmfao

82. have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed?

yes HAHAH

83. if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go?

Estonia, Seoul, Tokyo, Netherlands

84. what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself?

annoying, tender, lavender. 

85. do you consider yourself a loyal person?

absolutely.

86. what is your favorite season and why?

autumn because its not super cold or super hot even though there are super hot or cold days. it’s a nice in between.

87. have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it?

no. absolutely not. if i say it i mean it.

88. do you know how to play any instruments?

no Heh

89. do like like falling asleep to music or not?

it really depends on my mood when i’m going to sleep.

91. have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what there life is like?

No. because if i do that , that means they’d have to be me in return, right? i wouldn’t subject anyone to that. i’m in pain 24/7

92. if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be?

no cause they always goin through dramatic shit and i’d rather not.

93. if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why?

Sehun, deadass. he seems like he’s a chill and cool friend!

94. are you outgoing?

meh not really?

95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to?

yes :/

96. are you a good flirt?

no i suck at it and don’t really purposely flirt lol

97. have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down?

both. though i’ve been turned down more than i’ve had to turn anyone down.

98. which planet is your favorite?

Venus.

99. are you superstitious?

very. i tend to get on peoples nerves LMAO

100. are you a good listener? 

Yes.

101. are you a good kisser

i’d like to think im okay?

[hesitationmarx]

1. Rules: Answer the questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better (i’m way 2 laxy n drunk 2 do that srry if we mutuals u got my permission2 say i tagged u)

A - Age: 22 B - Birthplace: Ithaca, NY C - Current Time: 11:30pm

D - Drink You Last Had: New Amsterdam vodka w. grapefruit juice E - Easiest Person To Talk To: UMM Jess/used 2b spindle-darkness-fever-necklace on here, Cat @terriblyworriedwoodchuck, L/boy&friend in jail i keep talkin abt, Kitty, Ceilidh/used 2b lilmixedhunny on here, my sister Julia/J-train/theAdequateFox F - Favourite Song: dont make me pick i fcuking?? overall: Dog Problems (The Format), Nancy Boy (Placebo), Butterflies and Hurricanes (Muse), Starfuckers Inc. (Nine Inch Nails), Mama (My Chemical Romance), There’s a Good Reason These Tables... (Panic! at the Disco). G - Grossest Memory: A couple times I lowkey OD-ed n puked evert couple minutes fr like 20 hrs were pretty nasty, once my CC stoner friends had 2 take me 2 the ER bc we got kicked outa the bar i was dying at lmao H - Horror Yes or Horror No: YES i love ghosts n demons n shit yes I - In Love: NO THANX gives me baad judgement   J - Jealous of People: definitely have been? not atm  um?   K - Killed Someone: I WOULD FUVKING LOVE TO BUT I LIKAE AINT EVEN KNO HOW 2 FUCKING YOULL SEE ME ON THE NEWS “LOCAL IDIOT POISONED 8 MEN W HER PRESCRIPTIONS  & MOVED 2 MIDWEST”

L - Love At First Sight Or Should I Walk By Again: LOVE in any other capacity than like  4 my mom is a lie intended 2 make me specifically suffer so like not even if i walk by 7 times (that bein said i love v easily i love @ 1st conversation @ least) M - Middle Name: Marie N - Number of Siblings: 1 O - One Wish:  2B AS RICH AND INFLUENTIAL AS *SOME* PPL IN THIS CUNTRY ND HAVE POWER 2 HELP MY FRIENDS N WE ALL LIVE 2GETHER ON A COMMUNE W ENDLESS DRUGS IS THAT TOO COMPLICATED P - Person You Called Last: L’s friend Jason Q - Question You Are Always Asked: some version of “wanna send me nudes 4 free” R - Reason to Smile: still have like halfa liter ofvodka left nd get to visit L tmrw T - Time You Woke Up: like 9am U - Underwear Colour: black V - Vacation Destination: on the ocean talking 2 ghosts wherever W - Worst Habit: lmfao all of them??  X - X-rays: i cant remember sry yall Y - Your favourite food: GUACAMOLE !!! AND FKN PEANUT BUTTER N CREAM CHEESEE  THINGS U CAN PUT ON BAGELS  Z - Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

***

2. Rules: answer 20 questions and tag 20 people I GOT DRUNKER SINCE I STARTED THIS AND IM N THE PHONE UM UM l8r sorry y 

[soulcrowvi]

40 questions because why not.

1.do you prefer to shower when you wake up or before you go to sleep?. Can I have both? I like to shower in the morning because I can clean off any  sweat I may have produced when I slept and it also helps me start my day. Before bed helps me unwind and clean off the germs of the day… but I may sweat in the middle of the night… hmmmmm I guess morning showers LOL 

2. does it bother you to sleep with the lights on. Yes, I really cant sleep with any type of light in the room. I always find myself waking up if I see light.

3. cigarettes, marijuana, or neither? Neither fam.  

4. beer, liquor, or neither? Liquor, I hate the taste of beer 5. what is the biggest impact you hope to make throughout your lifetime?  Probably being able to help someone with their journey get through the darkness of mental diseases. This is a part of the reason why i want to go into the field of psychiatry.  

6. what’s your favourite movie genres.  Uhhh, romantic comedies, animation, horror, fantasy, and anime (if that’s a thing) 7. puns or dirty jokes? Dirty jokes boiiiii. My pun game needs work 8. bubble bath, bath bomb, or bath salts. Probably bubble bath. I haven’t tried the other two. 9. you wake up to find you’ve traded places with a celebrity – who is it? Hmmm I don’t pay too much attention to many celebrities lives so I cant really answer 10. you wake up to find you’ve traded places with a fictional character – who is it? Probably Monkey D. Luffy from one piece. Hes always carefree, does what he wants, eats all day, goes on these dope adventures with his crew and will beat someone’s ass if they step to him wrong. I wouldn’t mind living a life like that for a day or two. Although Zoro is my favorite character I prefer luffys lifestyle a little more.

11. what are you wearing? A grey shirt and blue joggers? WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW HUH? 12. what is your earliest memory?. Crawling on my mom’s bed and she picking me up with a big smile while making  some kind of going up sound. I know I was a baby because even to this day she does that when she plays with other small children.   13. moon or stars? Stars because I like to lay down and count them. Also having sex under the stars is on my bucket list LOLOL 14. sunrise or sunset?. Sunrise.  I love the crisp air and quiet atmosphere of everything being asleep.  During times like that it feels the world is at a stand-still and I can take a second and breathe maybe even go for a jog. Oh and you cant forget the colors of the sky: they so purrrrdy . 15. what’s the best present you’ve ever received? The gift of life boiiiiii. Nah but for a material gift, I hate to say this but, probably a hand written piece of poetry my ex gave me. It a cheesy love poem that made my heart flutter at time. no one has ever done something that for me before so it was something special.  I haven’t looked at it in years and don’t plan on doing it any time soon. That bridge was burned  many years ago cuz fuck my ex lmaooo 

16. what’s your favourite scent? Vanilla or lavender. I use to use candles with those scents as a way to calm myself during a time of depression. In a sense, I associate them both with calmness 17. what do you think about when you need to be in a calm state of mind?  Thinking of myself as a flowing river. This concept came to me after witnessing a small stream on street carry away a twig during the rain. The way I saw it was that twig representing a problem of any sort and the water being my conscious. Basically my conscious developed the habit of analyzing the given problem and determines if it needs to be addressed now, later, or not even be addressed at all. It’s a way I practice mindfulness lol 18. what do you think about when you need motivation? “I know I can fucking do this, so let me stop being a bum and do it” sounds a little harsh but that’s how I get myself moving lmaoo

19. list 5 things you like most about yourself.

My personality

The melanin in ma skin

Dance abilities

Being able to push through most of my anxiety and depression

Kinky af 20. do you have many friends or do you prefer to keep a close circle? I have a small circle of true friends mostly because I dread small talk with new people because ive never been too interested in it with strangers and you know small talk is the best way to start friendships soooooo. I can say this though I have a large number of acquaintances and I probably wouldn’t mind building deeper friendships with them. 21. if you had the chance to be immortal exactly as you are now, would you take that opportunity? Although it’s a tempting offer, im going to say nah to immortality.  Sure, it would be nice to witness how the rest of history will unfold and being able to live forever but it comes at a high cost. The cost being that youll out live everything and everyone you love and cherish. Plus there will come a time when everything ends and you’ll be the only one left, wandering endlessly in the hallowed shell of what you once called home…. That got dark LOL #PessimismOnFleek

22. what do you think of when you wake up? I think of three things in this order:

“….need food”

“I wonder how kn is doing”

“what the fuck do I need to do today?”

23. what’s your favourite word? Breathe. This word helps me calm and recollect myself in time of anxiety and also allows me to take a second and appreciate life.   24. if you could change your name, what would you change it to? I would keep my name the same, I love it actually lmaooo

25. what would your name be if you were the opposite/another gender?  I asked my mom about this before and apparently I would have been a Diana lmaooo 26. turn ons? I have turn ons for both physical and personality

Physical: freckles or small moles on the face. Glasses (bring yo blind ass here girlll) a nice warm smile, long hair although I don’t mind short hair. Ticklish. Has a nice style

Personality: Really kindhearted, loves animals, willing to sit down and talk about finding a solution to our problem if we fight, motivated by a dream,  passionate about her craft or hobby, doesn’t mind carrying the convo at times, is comfortable with silence at times. Knowledgeable about things she finds interesting, does little things for me like buying me my favorite snack as a surprise for when she sees me.  Is comfortable with my level of kinkiness and sexual expression through words. Keeps up with and feeds off my dark, sexual, awkward humor. Not afraid to speak her mind.

27. turn offs? A girl that tries to have “the best of both worlds” basically flirting with multiple dudes at once. Has a history of cheating.  Completely selfish(only concerned with what I can offer her and no “what can I do for them”). The “im fine” text when we both KNOW something is wrong. Goes ghost out of nowhere. Liars. thinks relationships are temporary  and not looking for something long term (I hate wasting time). Treating other people like shit, fake (talks shit about someone then next thing you know they’re the best of  friends) entertains other dudes KNOWING damn well they have a thing for her.  Says “My feelings changed” (three words I despise)

28. kinks? Bondage, neck bites, ear nibbles, lip biting while kissing, biting any part of my body really lmao.(those three areas will rev me up real quick ) letting me pull her hair, licking/ kissing random spots on her body. heaving breathing….lots of it pls. dark colored knee socks/thigh highs if she wears those.. LAWDDDDD *nose bleed*(this could be a slight fetish).  Lap dances and strip teases (both combined as well)   29. what’s your “type”? Uhhh, never really had to think about it until now but glasses, long hair, older, the “social butterfly that’s lowkey and introvert” woke, wants to help me grow, supportive, caring will call me out on my shit, intelligent, high ass gpa (why is that relevant? Idk )

30. give a piece of advice. Everything happens for a reason. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, certain things occur in your life as a way to prepare you for the future, teach you something about yourself, or aid in your growth. You just have to stop and look at the positive in the situation. 31. do you fear death? Nah, but I do want to live my live to the fullest and live to be at least 96.   32. do you believe there is anything that exists after death? Ive juggled the idea around in my head and, similar to the person I snagged this questionnaire from, I definitely  love the idea of reuniting with lost loved ones in some kind of after live. I also like to believe reincarnation is a thing only because it would be dope to die and come back as a giant octopus lmaoooo, but seriously the idea of coming back to life as a different creature is fascinating 33. what expectations do you set for yourself? do you live up to them? Honesty, trying my best at whatever I do, always stay true to myself,  not being pressured ny others. I think I live up to these pretty well but recently ive decided to stop being passive of things that bother me so I guess im still working on that 34. are you a good friend? would you want to be friends with the type of friend that you are? I think im a pretty good friend. Im always down to listen and support my friends with whatever their endeavors may be. Im very chill, understanding, and mature so you don’t have to worry about me  creating drama of any sort. Yeah I would befriend myself if possible 35. dinosaurs or space? Dinosaurs because I’ve always found archaeology to be interesting and I actually love learning about history. I loved T-rexes ever since the first Jurassic park  film I saw. 36. do you believe in aliens?  If we as a species could evolve from particles who’s to say creatures on a distant planet couldn’t do the same? So I guess you could say I don’t deny the existence of them. 37. do you believe in ghosts? Not really but you’ll never catch me messing with an oujia board or casually exploring a proclaimed haunted house. Aint nobody got time for that (similar to the previous question I don’t deny their existence) 38. describe your style? Uses a LOT of dark colors. Its very simple and classy but nothing over the top. I love to wear beaded bracelets because I like fidgeting with them when im bored or anxious. Oh I like flannels as well. Idk if that paints a decent picture lmao 39. send me your name, I’ll post what I think your aesthetic would be. Bish whet? 40. post a photo of yourself? Look at my tumblr default lmao

[the-final-straw-blog]

Two Voices From MPLS: Medic and Abolitionist

Two Voices From MPLS: Medic and Abolitionist

On this episode, we’re featuring two voices from Minneapolis, the epicenter of mass demonstrations and uprising following the police murder of #GeorgeFloyd.

First up, you’ll hear from Jacquie, a professional medic living in Minneapolis. Jacquie talks about the impacts of corona virus on Black and Brown communities around the city, some of what she saw in the early days of the protests and the feelings expressed to her about the killing of George Floyd and the problem of police in our racist society. You can find a project of theirs on instagram by seeking @femmeempowermentproject.

Then, Tonja Honsey, executive director of the Minnsesota Freedom Fund, talks about bail and prison abolition, infrastructure to get folks out of jail and supporting the people in the streets. They’re online at MinneapolisFreedomFund.Org

Both interviewees shout out Black Visions Collective and Reclaim The Block, two police abolition projects in Minneapolis, and the Northstar Health Collective. Check our show notes for links to those projects, as well as bail funds for cities where solidarity protests have been met with police repression.

Announcements

Jalil Muntaqim

There is an effort right now to get compassionate release for Jalil Muntaqim, former Black Panther and member of the Black Liberation Army. Jalil has been held by New York state since 1971 and he recently has tested positive for the Corona Virus. His attempts at parole over the years have been stymied by police and racists pressuring and stacking the parole board for Jalil’s involvement in the death of two cops 5 decades ago. This has happened 12 times since 2002 when he became eligible. More info about his case at his support site, freejalil.com and check out this SFBayView article for how you can help push for his release.

Breaking the 4th Wall

Hey, y’all. First off, I just want to say how impressed I am at the power that people are drawing up from within in order to battle the police all over the country. Seeing videos and hearing stories from Minneapolis, Atlanta, Oakland, New York City, Omaha, Denver, St. Louis, Tucson, Los Angeles and elsewhere, plus the solidarity rallies and support coming out here and abroad is so heartwarming. This week, you’ll know, police in Minneapolis murdered George Floyd, an African American man and people were there to video tape it. Since then, people took the streets, were met with tear gas and rubber bullets, some held vigils while others held the streets and set fire to a corner of that world that holds them hostage, including a police precinct. The cops present at Floyd’s murder were fired, and finally the officer who murdered has been arrested. Mr. Last week, police murdered a Black Trans Man named Tony McDade in Tallahassee. Over the prior month and a half, that same force murdered two other African American men, Wilbon Woodard and Zackri Jones. On March 13th, Louisville police murdered Breonna Taylor, a medical First Responder, during a home raid. At a protest on May 28th for Breonna’s legacy, 7 people were shot by unknown parties. Video of the murder by a white, retired cop and his son in Glynn County, Georgia, of yet another African American man, Ahmaud Arbery, was released a few weeks back sparking protests and the eventual arrest of the killers. The police sat on that video since Mr. Arbery’s killing in February, allowing the killers to walk free.

Please stay safe out there, y’all. Already, some folks have died at these protests, riots and uprisings against the status quo. Wear masks to protect from covid but also to obscure your identity. Drink lots of water, get good sleep if you can, take care of each other and support each other in these hard times. You can keep up on ongoing struggle via ItsGoingDown.org’s site and social media presence, and you can watch amazing videos from Minneapolis via Unicorn Riot.

Housing Liberation in Minneapolis

"At 8:00pm on Friday, blocks from the epicenter of the uprising, we watched from a tent as armored vehicles and hundreds of national guard advanced on Hiawatha. The curfew was in effect and the state offered no options for a couple camped outside. The hotels promised to the large encampment across the highway left them and many other behind. The shelters were full. This couple finally found refuge in a largely vacant hotel a mile away. The next morning, they awoke to the burned remains of Chicago and Lake and learned that the hotel owners planned to evacuate. With nowhere else to go but with a community showing up to support, the couple declined to evacuate.

Together we invited displaced and unsheltered neighbors to join us. Overnight people came in with harrowing stories of terror from police and other white supremacists. National guard shot rubber bullets at us while we stood guard against that violence. At the time of this writing nearly 200 people have created sanctuary in the memory of former shelter worker George Floyd. We avenge Floyd's death in the flames of the third precinct and honor his life in the reclamation of hoarded property.

We have protected this building by occupying it. There is no going back to how things were - this isn't a Sheraton anymore, it is a sanctuary."

. ... . ..

playlist pending

. ... . ..

Bail & Anti-Repression Funds Across The U.S.

(taken from Evan Greer's tweeted link, accessed at 4pm eastern, May 31. Likely updated, and includes lawyer info)

National Bail Networks

http://nationalbailout.org/

https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/nbfn-directory

https://bailproject.org/

By City / State:

Atlanta - https://actionnetwork.org/groups/atlanta-solidarity-fund

http://atlsolidarity.org/

Austin - https://reparation.atlas.thrinacia.com/campaign/24/400-1-bail-fund

Baltimore https://www.baltimoreactionlegal.org/community-bail-fund

Bay Area (San Fran, Oakland, San Jose, Vallejo, Santa Rosa, Santa Cruz) https://rally.org/ARCbailfund

Brooklyn - https://brooklynbailfund.org/donation-form

Boston - https://www.massbailfund.org/

Buffalo NY https://fundrazr.com/11fcAd

Charleston South Carolina https://www.gofundme.com/f/charleston-sc-protestor-bail-fund

Charlotte - Cash App: $WereStillHere Venmo: ResistanceisBeautiful Call: (980) 224-2097 bail support

PAYPAL = NCFreedomfund@gmail.com CashApp = NcFreedomfund

Chattanooga http://www.calebcha.org/donate.html

Chicago - https://chicagobond.org/donate/

Cincinnati Ohio https://www.givelify.com/givenow/1.0/NTU5MjE=/selection

Cleveland - BLM Cleveland https://www.paypal.me/blmcle

Colorado - https://fundly.com/coloradofreedom

Columbia, South Carolina: Cashapp/Venmo: sodacitybail | 803-602-4589

Columbus - https://www.paypal.me/columbusfreedomfund

Connecticut http://www.ctbailfund.org/donate

Dallas- https://faithintx.org/bailfund/ https://svpdallas.z2systems.com/np/clients/svpdallas/donation.jsp

Denver - https://fundly.com/coloradofreedom

Detroit - https://www.detroitjustice.org/the-bail-project

Fargo & Morehead North Dakota https://www.paypal.com/pools/c/8oLGbaaeqf

Florida: https://www.floridajc.org/bail

https://www.lgbtqfund.org/donate-1 ← focus on LGBTQ individuals

https://hrcalachua.com/bail-fund-program/ 

Grand Rapids / Western Michigan https://secure.actblue.com/donate/kentcountyibond

Harrisburg, PA https://dauphincountybailfund.org/donate

Houston - https://www.paypal.me/blmhou https://www.restoringjustice.org/bail

Indianapolis - https://bailproject.org/

Kansas City - https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/it-aint-over-legal-fund

Las Vegas - https://secure.actblue.com/donate/vegasfreedomfund

Los Angeles (inc. Oxnard, San Clemente, Santa Ana, Long Beach): https://www.gofundme.com/f/peoples-city-council-ticket-fund ← bail, supplies, transport overall fund

Louisville - https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/louisville-community-bail-fund/

Madison, WI https://freethe350bailfund.wordpress.com/ Venmo: @Liam-Manjon | Cashapp: $FreeThe350BailFund | Paypal: FreeThe350BailFund@gmail.com

Mass - https://www.massbailfund.org/

https://www.gofundme.com/f/fangbailfund

Memphis - https://justcity.org/what-we-do/mcbfund/

https://midsouthpeace.org/get-involved/donate-to-support-the-black-lives-matter-community-bail-fund/

Miami - https://www.paypal.me/freethemall

Michigan https://michigansolidaritybailfund.com 

Milwaukee - https://fundrazr.com/mkefreedomfund

Minneapolis https://minnesotafreedomfund.org/  ← asking for help in other areas. Click thru for links/direction

Minnesota - https://minnesotafreedomfund.org/

Nashville - call 615-495-5450

https://nashvillebailfund.org/

Nebraska  - https://www.paypal.me/neleftcoalition 

New Orleans - https://donorbox.org/safety-freedom-fund

New York- https://www.libertyfund.nyc/

https://emergencyreleasefund.com/ ← focused on trans humans

North Carolina PAYPAL = NCFreedomfund@gmail.com CashApp = $NcFreedomfund

Oakland https://rally.org/ARCbailfund

http://www.antipoliceterrorproject.org/donate

Ohio - Canton/Akron https://www.paypal.com/pools/c/8pz5hovrmY

Orlando Florida https://communitybailfund.org/

Philly - https://www.phillybailout.com/donate.html

Phoenix https://secure.everyaction.com/lFZFGA1BpUa9kyYYgSxSKw2

 https://secure.actblue.com/donate/tsccbf

Pittsburgh - https://www.gofundme.com/f/aftercare-for https://www.bukitbailfund.org/donate

Portland - https://www.gofundme.com/f/pdx-protest-bail-fund

Raleigh/ Chapel Hill - https://www.takeactionch.com/donations

PAYPAL = NCFreedomfund@gmail.com CashApp = $NcFreedomfund

Richmond - https://rvabailfund.org/donate

Rhode Island https://www.gofundme.com/f/fangbailfund

Roanoke -https://chuffed.org/project/rjs-bail-fund

Rockford IL (and Winnebago County) https://www.wincoilbondproject.org/donate

Salt Lake City, Utah https://www.gofundme.com/f/c2mvvn-support-protesters-arrested-by-slcpd

San Diego (inc La Mesa)  https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-us-raise-funds-to-support-our-community

San Jose https://siliconvalleydsa.org/donations/

https://rally.org/ARCbailfund

Seattle - https://donorbox.org/ncbf

Silicon Valley/San Jose: https://siliconvalleydsa.org/donations/

Toronto - https://www.gofundme.com/f/toronto-protestor-bail-fund

Tucson https://secure.actblue.com/donate/tsccbf

Tulsa https://www.paypal.me/BLMOKC

Washington State https://www.nwcombailfund.org/

Wilmington, DE https://www.gofundme.com/f/fnbbailfundwilm

Check out this episode!

[mattyslittleworld]

East Keansburg

P: Rob Sellig 

2:48 am / Thursday morning. Im listening to this new Tsu Surf & Mozzy project, thinking about this kid I grew up around. Ive been reading he passed away, which is such a shame. We grew up playing basketball together at St. Catherines in EK, middle school, high school, alternative high schools, programs together. Troubled youth. I have this specific memory of him from years ago. I believe I wrote about it in my last blog post, about watching somebody get curb stomped. I was a lost kid, me and my friends aimless, drifting from group to group. Ended up spending a lot of late nights in EK wandering the streets. This night specifically, there were about 7 of us. A homie of mine was interested in writing graffiti, and this was before music, so graffiti was basically my identity. So we met up at his house, where my friend had a group of heads over, and they were partying, selling, and just going off. He lived with his parents, which speaks volumes, because at this time in my life, everyones parents gave up...nobody gave a fuck, except mine, but they couldn't control me. One thing leads to another, my boy wanted to go bombing. So we leave his house with our paint, and just take the streets, 5 reckless kids fallowing us on skateboards and bikes. Wasted, loud, rowdy, reckless, but as an outsider, I found a silver lining in their terror....it was a middle finger to the society that never gave them a chance. It was a brotherhood. This specific kid, at this point, was in and out of county, witnessed him fighting over and over in school, and in the streets since day 1. We were walking tall through the backroads in EK....they were spray painting cars...houses...anything. No fucks given. Wasted...they were breaking windows...kicking dents in BMW’s. Playing music off the phone...they were all they got. Another group of kids ended up on the same block....and they went off. A fight broke out....and I have this specific memory of boy ripping his shirt off, passionate, raging with anger, to protect his brotherhood, his street crew, his family. Being around him since I was a little kid, school, ball, mutual friends....I never got to know him deeper than this...but I would always see him and just salute his pride, and his will to stand on his actions, and his will to fucking fight for who and what he loves. Rest In Power fam. A lot of homies reading this from EK who follow my music...yall know who I am talking about. I never got to know this man - but I salute him for how much of HIM HE REALLY WAS. I remember in 2006, I was a freshman in high school, and my cousin ended up in a fight with a senior over a friend who passed away. My cousin was intoxicated during this time, in school, and I ended up beating the dog shit out of this senior as a young kid. These EK boys were the only ones who showed love, who stood tall behind me, making sure I was good, safe, and assuring me I was doing the right thing. Cant let your family go down like that. Rest In Peace man.

Last year, days before Tsu Surfs album Seven 25 dropped, he doubled back and we hit the studio and recorded a song called “Make You Proud”. He dropped the album very shortly after and it went #2 on iTunes in under 24 hours, and I was sure I wasn't going to see that man ever again. A year later, here we are...a day before he drops this joint project with Mozzy...that debuted at #5 on itunes, were dapping up at a film set in Queens, NY to film the music video. A YEAR LATER, this man gave a fuck enough to pull up and bless my career with this video. That meant a lot to me. I specifically remember feeling alone, hopeless, in some of the darkest moments of my life. Just listening to his tape over and over and over....running laps at the track at Mader Dei Highschool. It gave me hope, it motivated me to get over the feelings that were weighing me down. My life was changing, and this eased the pain. Nobody likes the motions of change if it includes losing people you love....losing the ability to do things you love...and going places you love. You have to find new health, new wealth, and new routines. My new found routine was coffee in the morning...spending an hour studying the industry...listening to my podcasts...then immediately running laps listening to his tape. Anything after that was subjective. Nowadays its basketball instead of running laps....but it gave me health. Mentally and physically. I could collect my thoughts. I could hear real stories....being gunned down 5 times and bouncing back...then charting. Here we are. On set....once again with Rob...my brother on the directing tip. My new lovely friend Victoria, who's a beautiful, ambitious, ride or die artist of her own. Robs pops. Mike Oliva, who is a SAVAGE photographer and film maker himself. It was a trip. Over the past year, kids at bars, hardcore shows, normals, civilians, people from all over and the world have been DMing me about simply just a teaser and a photograph of me and Surf in a studio. With Albee Al, Casanova, Cage - its all a specific group of people. Mainly mainstream music consumers...radio listeners...people who are tapped into Instagram and culture. But with Surf - Ive had the pleasure of speaking to people from all walks of life. Old hardcore friends telling me how much his movement has touched their lives...so wild. I was late to his wave...Belv actually told me to tap in and do it, and that's my brother so I made sure I did for the team. We drank hot chocolate and coffee, listened to our favorite music so loud, have such great conversations, got amazing footage that im so proud of, and just overall killed the mission. Nothing makes me more happy. This was a moment for me....because for the first time...im not in silly poppy clothes...im myself...im spitting bars on it...I feel and look like the person who was painting freights in 2007. And that is very important to me. Sometimes you can get swallowed by the wave youre riding...and I am guilty of that. It influenced so much of me...and recently I said look...fuck all this. Fuck everything except for whatever inside me still lingering before back and forth. Because if those passions, those tendencies, those people, are still here and within me...theyve been growing all this time, strong, sticking by me, and that's me. Shitty hoodie. Airmaxes or vans, shitty hat, stupid hair, cutty as fuck, smiling. dirty skateboard kid just trying be great man. I miss my old Mercer Ave skate crew. Its been years. 

Im starting to go through a new awakening where im witnessing the ones around me unfold in such a distasteful manner. Its pretty crazy to spend time with people, face to face, and have dinner, coffee, laughing with each other one on one....and in my head at the same time think...this mother fucker dead ass hates me. Wants to kill me. Wants me to fail. Fucks heavy with EVERYONE who has done wrong to me. Has talked shit behind my back. Has stabbed me in the back. And they are such fucking clowns....they don't know that I know...and they don't even comprehend that im being a bigger person and not addressing shit below me, because I don't have room for shit like that in my life. This is the time where people fuck with you one foot in, for opportunity, to hit a lick, to keep the link, to get to the people you fuck with. It is literally so easy to show love...and yet people close to you just won't. Its an interesting concept. I am fortunate in the sense that I am self made, self built, and already a black sheep. If everybody in my life turned their backs, it wouldn't touch my career. So therefore, I don't have this fuckery nature in my behavior. I don't fuck with you, I don't fuck with you. Thats it. Im learning you cannot trust people who fuck with you one foot in....because that means they're prepared to step away at any moment when you're down. They don't got your back. They are around people who drag your name through the mud, and they allow it. AT BEST...since they have one foot in....theyll tap in and say such and such said this....but why didn't you defend me? Why were they okay with these actions with you? Because your friend has their other foot with the opps. Fuck these types of people. Forever. Ive been seeing people put up with this behavior, and I figured id speak on it, because its been on my mind. You don't have to get treated like shit to fit in. Truth is, your friends are probably wack. Your friends probably hate you. Your friends don't want you to do better than them. And no, it doesn't matter how long you've known them. Most relationships stem and grow out of convenience, and lack of change, lack of ambition, lack of dreams and goals. I always thought, its actually very easy to be a good friend when they need you...in moments of tragedy and misery. Because that doesn't shake your foundation, and make you realize you aint shit. It doesn't challenge your framework. Its harder for most people to be a good friend when their friend is celebrating success, because the human nature is to compare, and sometimes that can be a mirror reflection of how you AINT SHIT. Recognize these people and cut this cancer out of your system. Or if you are this person, we all have been at one point, cone to terms with how wack you are and be a good person lmao. I want to see my plumbing friend look me in the eyes and go “im the best plumber in this area and im gunna kill this job and make a living for my family and buy a BMW”, just like I want to see my graphic designer friends believe after their hard work that they're qualified OVER SOMEONE ELSE for their job, to make a great living. Just like I want to see a musician, or rapper, talk his shit and believe in themselves, go platinum, and make a great living and buy a Range. Being around greatness inspires me, never scares me. I love being at the bottom, it amps me up. It gets me going. It gets me off. I love the fight, the grind, the game. Whether its music, or washing windows in the freezing dead of winter for commission to pay for fucking studio time to be where I am right the fuck now boiiiiiii. 

Me and Belv have some crazy shit coming. That is all. Okay bye. 

[harlems-best]

Growing Up Harlem

I was thinking about a friend of mine who got killed years ago, like in the early 90s.  He had a unique name, Yero!.  He lived in Lenox Terrence in Harlem.  Now unlike Yero didn't need to be out in the street selling drugs as I did.  His moms seemed to be doing pretty good providing for him and his brother.  I met him through a mutual friend named John.  John as I can recall had some dealing with a Jamaican dude I was hustling for at the time, we will just call him George for now.  So this is around the time everyone was going out of town to sell drugs because the selling prices were so much higher.  

John had a spot out in Washington, or so I thought,  that was making a lot of money.  He had Yero working for him and suggested we hook up and go out town for a couple of days and I was with it.  So me and Yero got real cool with each other.  So the day before we were supposed to leave we were at his house in Lenox Terrence in his room bottling up crack to take with us on the Greyhound bus.  That"s right the Bus. lol  Oh I don't think we were even in our 20s at the time.  While we had all the drugs out on a table, his moms knocked on the door and he was like "yeah mom",  I can't remember what she wanted but he was like Ill be out soon and she never attempted to come in the room. I  was like nervous and shit.  I was like "you didn't lock the door or nothing".  He said "no, she done come in my room".  lol  I was like 'Word".

So we rented a room where we would keep most of the drugs at while we were out at the spot making money.  Now Yero was not really cut out for the whole drug game.  Me on the other had young as I was had two kids already and needed to keep the cash flow going, had a mother who was a dope fiend, had to help my grandmother and I wanted fresh things and I had been exposed to all types of shit at young age.  

Yero was a pretty light skin dude, all the girls loved him.  That was the main reason he wanted to sell drugs.  He loved the attention from the ladies and he had some sexy girls at that.  As  young as he was, he happen to be a third degree black belt.  He had practice martial arts since he was six years old I believe.

Its one thing to practice martial arts and self defense in a tamed environment but it really gets tested in the mean streets of Harlem or any hood for that matter.  Its the growing up in the hood being poor that makes you hard and cold in life.  Some make it to become hood stars and hood legends but death is almost certain.  Then there are those who like the gold and glitter of the drug life but are really not made for it and try to become something there not.  That was the case with my boy Yero.  

So we are out in Washington D.C. in the hood hood. Now remember I was told by John that he had a spot out there and all.  Well come to find out the spot was really in the hall way of a building with other people selling who actually lived in the building. Yero knocks on one of the doors and a dude comes out looking like a crack head and he was like ok yall here.  Dude turned out to be a runner for us. So now im like oh hell no.  I ask Yero, which I should have ask way before we got on the bus, did we have some protection (guns) and he was like no!. I said  John said everything was already here for us. Get this John is know for selling guns but we had none to protect us.  Aint that some shit.  Now at the same time im talking to Yero some dude in the building was like "you niggas can't be selling in here".  Yero, we selling here, now what.  So I know the cardinal rule of going into unknown territory.  You need to know someone who can vouch for you, you need guns for protection and a little crew.  I was told by John we had all that out there.  But we didn't.  We  were sitting ducks. So I ask the dude who was the runner for us did he have a gun in the crib.  He was like he had a little 22 and I was like that is better than nothing.  I"m glad i had gloves with me, it was winter time, so I held on to the ratchet while we were selling.  

The crackheads was loving the product we had and they started coming in masses. That"s back when real drugs were being sold and you took pride in your product.  (Now looking back I realize the joke was on us selling poison to our own people while all other races bought up the condemned property in all the hoods and waited years for the right time to rebuild and make a profit).  The other drug dealers in the building (who happen to be just as young and wild as us) started to notice the all the money we were getting.  Dudes are now talking shit and I can feel the tension in the air.  We ran out of product so we had to go back to the hotel to re up.

Back then there were no cell phones, we had beepers.  We had to beep John with a number to call us back.  So we beep him and put in the hotel number.  Once I had John on the phone, I was like "Yo, we are like sitting ducks out here and im not feeling this.  We need more people and protection because dudes out here are packing and quick to squeeze off".  His response was very weak. I can not remember exactly what he said but I think he was like "just stay out there and Ill send some other dudes in a day or two.  FOH!

I"m like we out!  We going back to NY and come back and do this right.  Yero, was "like naw man, did you see all that money we just made?  Come on Ed lets go get this money".  Nigga please.  I had to practically drag his ass to the bus station.  Once we got back to NY, I talked to John and was like "look we need to do this right, we can not be out there like that".  See Yero was real gullible, he just really wanted to be down and get money to get the girls.  John on the other hand felt he had some young dumb boys that he could use and make money at our expense.

I was kicking it with Yero before I left him at his house. I was like "don't go back to D.C. with out me. We going to do this right so we can really make some money and have a fighting chance.  It was about a week later and a cousin of mines who knew Yero come up to me and was like "you know your man is dead right?"  I'm like "who"?  He was like "Yero". I don't know the words to describe how I felt at that moment.  It was a lot of anger, guilt because I wasn't there for him. Come to find out the dude that killed him was from NY and knew him.  That's how he was able to get up on him and shoot him in the head point blank range. He had about $3,000 in his pocket when the police came on the scene so it was no robbery.  It was all about jealousy.

I think about my boy every so often.  The memory of his body in his casket and you can see the dent in his forehead from the bullet.

Ill never forget you bro.  R.I.P.

[elitesportsny]

Elite Sports NY

https://elitesportsny.com/2017/12/15/new-york-jets-daily-12-15-17/

New York Jets Daily, 12/15/17: Coach Josh McCown? Patriots peril?

New York Jets quarterback Josh McCown is going to put on the coaching hat this weekend. Plus New England Patriots peril?

CHECK OUT the New York Jets Team Center: News, Stats, Standings

Not only was surgery successful for New York Jets quarterback Josh McCown, but old man Josh will be trying a new hat on this weekend: McCown the coach.

Thanks for all the prayers, well wishes and good thoughts. Look forward to watching the guys… https://t.co/eIBkIMUdSV

— Josh McCown (@JoshMcCown12) December 15, 2017

Todd Bowles commented on all things McCown during his press conference, courtesy of the New York Jets Media Relations Departement:

On if McCown will have a role on the sideline…

He’ll be a player-coach on the sideline this week.

On if he expects that to be the case moving forward…

That remains to be seen.

On if McCown asked for that responsibility or if the team asked him…

He asked for it, but we were going to ask him anyway if he was up to it.

On if McCown shows traits of a good coach…

Yes, I can see that in him. If that’s what he wants to do, I can see him being an excellent coach when he’s done playing.

On why McCown would make a good coach…

He has a feel for people, the way he sees the game, the way he relates to people is very important, and he can put all that together.

Josh McCown will be a player-coach this weekend https://t.co/G35BeY89Zc

— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) December 15, 2017

Injury Report

Saints: Alvin Kamara will play in Week 15 against the Jets https://t.co/Q2c61ILbQW pic.twitter.com/yfPZnFtRG5

— Who Dat Dish (@whodatdish) December 15, 2017

The New Orleans Saints seem like they’ll be at full strength for their matchup against the Jets on Sunday. That includes their dynamic duo in the backfield. While Alvin Kamara seems to be the rookie of the year. Especially when you consider Kareem Hunt’s drop-off.

While the injury report for the Jets is a lot of mystery, thanks to the New York Jets Media Relations Departement

“Matt Forté did not practice, knee. (Morris) Claiborne was limited, foot. Eli McGuire was limited, ankle. Rontez Miles was limited, hamstring. Steve McLendon was limited, hip. Brian Winters was limited, abdomen and ankle. Bruce Carter was limited, groin.”

Oh yeah and a healthy scratch is Muhammad Wilkerson, who seems like he was benched by head coach Todd Bowles, way to go Todd!

Todd Bowles announces Muhammad Wilkerson won’t make the trip. Not injury related. A coaching decision. #nyj

— Brian Costello (@BrianCoz) December 15, 2017

Playoffs? Playoffs? You Kidding Me? Playoffs?

With a loss on Sunday in New Orleans, the Jets will be officially eliminated from playoff contention. #nyj

— Brian Costello (@BrianCoz) December 15, 2017

Well, a 5-8 record basically suggested that wouldn’t be happening, so hearing that 5-9 would eliminate the Jets is nothing but a mere formality.

We Just Can’t Take Anymore

New York Jets Offensive Coordinator John Morton admitted that his team waved the white flag on Sunday in the fourth quarter via Rich Cimini of ESPN.com

“Listen, the game was out of hand and I didn’t want to let some bad stuff happen,” Morton said. “At that time, I don’t like to say, ‘No mas,’ but it was time to get out of there. They kicked our butts, they kicked our butts. Sometimes that happens in the National Football League. I’m not going to sit there and have those guys run a bunch of (pass) routes and something bad happens, make bad decisions. I didn’t want that to happen, I made the decision. I just wanted to run it and get out of there.”

While a lot of people have been angered by these comments, I’m not. This team was 5-7 prior to this game, it was already over. The Jets had already dropped too many games they coulda, shoulda, woulda won.

Is it the best optic for your OC to admit to tucking his tail between his legs? Tapping out? Quitting? Probably not. But the Jets are in full tank mode and my response is ‘Tank you’ Morton for getting this team the loss and getting out of Mile High.

Other Jets News, Stories

Behind Enemy Lines: Saints vs Jets talk with Boy Green (Roy Anderson of Who Dat Dish)

Austin Seferian-Jenkins unhappy with slump, but he remains hopeful (Rich Cimini of ESPN New York)

The solution to the New York Jets quarterback situation is the guy with the weird resume (Manish Mehta of the New York Daily News)

 NEXT: Shea Stadium Memories: Jets Can't Stop The 'Aints 

New York Jets