#like irrational fear about your health is going to feel a lot more rational to you when you have bad health already

[pluralphilza]

median plurality here :> related to a lot of what your talking about, feeling more comfortable leaning into it for indemnity and comfort, management stuff, feeling always vaguely blurry and away, and a disconnect from official medical terms, was just really nice to read and be able to relate so much, have a great day that's all ^-^

Aww tysm!! 💖 Its always nice to see other systems especially median systems bc there is a lottt in this community. I think identity and personhood is really interesting and isnt really that well understood (at least from what I've seen that isnt really my academic specialty lol I'm a history major) because we have a lot of these like specific ideas about how people are and function. It's very strange!! Medical terms and understandings are helpful for a lot of people but for us it caused us a lott of issues with our hypochondriac kind of tendencies with our anxiety instead of just being like okay cool what works to help me/live with this.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for trying to block evade?

This happened several years ago, so I'll put the ages that we were at the time.

I [17F at the time], had an extremely close friend [17F] of 3+ years, and I still haven't found any kind of friendship that came close to the level of trust / openness that was there. So some of this backstory ranges from 14yrs to 17yrs.

My home was abusive, and she and her mom helped me figure out what was rational vs irrational, normal vs not normal, and pointing out local resources to get help - which was absolutely amazing and I could not thank them enough.

She invited me to her house pretty regularly, a couple times a week. We'd have hours of skype calls. She got me roped into Undertale & the fandom. Well, not that we really interacted with the fandom at large. We only publically posted some of the art and barely got noticed haha. Between the two of us, we had something like 26 AUs and had a lot of rp with multiverse shenanigans - like over 1200+ pages of google docs rp, because that's where we did like 90% of it. After we hit like 100-200 pages, we'd make a new doc so it wouldn't take so long to load. And we had like, at least like 9 docs I think. I was mostly in it for her, because it was really fun to just make up stories together. I could've done it with any fandom she threw at me, undertale is just the one that was popular at the time.

At one point, I think when we were around 16, I asked her if she wanted to start dating. She said something along the lines of maybe in the future, but not right now - she wanted to focus on school. Even though she declined at the time, she did say she appreciated me asking and that it meant a lot to her. And there were 0 hard feelings about the answer, we just kept on going the way we were going.

She got hit with a really bad level of depression, and stopped coming to school. After 2-3 days, I started calling her every day around lunch time just to check in on her and see how she was doing. See if there was anything I could do to help - bring some snacks, catch her up on classwork for the couple classes we shared, stuff like that. This was for couple months. More than just a mental health day, and the only reason she gave was Depression.

After a week or two of the daily calls, there was probably an aspect of toxic positivity on my end. Like "You gotta Do Something to avoid being trapped in your misery, even if it's just baby steps like sitting outside on the porch or going on a walk down the block" Not maliciously, but more out of not knowing how to handle a situation like this & genuinely wanting to help her because of all the help she's offered me in the past & fueled a little bit by fear because Depresssion is the excuse that my abusive parents used to justify their shitty behavior & neglect. Not because I was afraid of what she'd do to me, but more what she'd do to herself. That's one of the only things I could think where I went wrong, which I completely acknowledge and understand now.

She was still inviting me to her house, and we were still doing our normal thing there. Drawing and writing stories together.

After 4-5 weeks [? estimate, time is an illusion] of her not showing up to school, I can't remember if I asked if it was helpful or if she suggested that I stop calling every day. Calling every day was making her feel worse.

I did end up calling the next day or two at lunch - crossing the boundary was not my intent. We had planned to hang out on the weekend again, lunch is just when I remembered & had time to call to ask if she still wanted to hang out or if she wanted some space. I think she said yes to hanging out, didn't mention anything about crossing the boundary. Same with the next day - there was something I needed to ask clarification on, it wasn't a check in, nothing was mentioned of the boundary. I can't remember what it was now. This is another one of the places where I think I went wrong, which I acknowledge & understand.

I did stop the check ins like requested though. After those two off days, I did stop calling her every day at lunch.

She finished out the school year having shown up to class maybe 3ish times, I think.

Again, we were still hanging out regularly. There was no indication that I was doing anything wrong, there was no indication that anything I was doing was wrong. She was still the one inviting me to hang out at least half the time.

There were some problems that I was noticing that I just wanted to have a casual chat about and figure out, but she kept pushing it off as a "I don't have the energy right now, we can talk about it later" and we'd go back to the fun things. I don't really remember what those problems were.

In the summer, I went to a different state to visit my older sister that I hadn't seen in years. I talked to her about it, I was excited for it. We were still chatting regularly during my trip over skype or discord.

And then, during my trip that I was so excited about, she drops this bombshell. She sends me several massive messages detailing out a bullet point list of everything I've done wrong, that she's explicitly breaking off the friendship, and blocks me. 95% of things on that list either flat weren't true, or gross misunderstandings of what happened.

It was genuinely horrible things too.

For example, one of the things on the list was "Suicide baiting" or "Suicide guilt tripping" or something along those lines, which had happened several months if not a year before this. -I've only ever communicated feeling acutely suicidal to her 1 time. -Long before that, she made me promise that if I ever felt suicidal that I was supposed to immediately talk to her about it, for her own peace of mind so she wouldn't worry about me. -I reached a point of feeling acutely suicidal due to abuse at home & general existential dread, that happened to be during a time we had an issue.

I purposefully waited until after the issue was resolved, like 2 weeks, before telling her. I did that specifically so it would not be taken as a guilt trip or a form of coercion while still holding as true as I could to my promise. She made me promise to tell her, it was something very important to her. I made very clear to say "this is something I experienced a couple weeks ago due to unrelated things, it is resolved now, I got help through xyz means and genuinely feel better. You made me promise to tell you so I am telling you, I didn't want to say anything while we were having a problem for xyz reason." I just wanted to talk, and clear up the misunderstandings. I wanted to have a good conversation about figuring out where the communication went wrong, try and figure out how she came to these conclusions, and how that differs from my point of view. Do something to work it out, and just talk about it, and try and salvage this 3+ year friendship.

After I realized I was blocked, I was going through so so many emotions all at once. The whiplash of going from 5 to 100, Upset that I wasn't given any sort of chance to explain, the 5 stages of grief, being thrown away like the gum off your shoe, worrying about her and if this was the stage of isolation for depression, holding out the hope that we could still just talk and work things out, angry that she kept pushing off and refusing to have any sort of serious talk before this, doubting if anything she had said on 'normal vs not normal' - particularly communication styles, thoughts that maybe she was abusive and manipulative all along, maybe I was continuing the cycle of abuse, trauma flashbacks, anxieties that I had since squashed as 'irrational', fear that this was a sign that she was about to fucking kill herself and maybe the whole list was a lie so I wouldn't try and reach out and stop her, doubting my own reality and maybe the entire list she sent me was true and she was justified in her actions.

Simultaneously trying to process intense feelings and realities if it was true and I'm really secretly a horrible monster, if it wasn't true and she was about to die, and old traumas getting dug out of the grave.

God I was such an emotional wreck and did not know how to process or understand anything that was happening.

This is where the AITA comes in -

I was pushing through back to back panic attacks trying to contact her and figure out what was going on. I didn't want her to die, if that's what was happening. I didn't want to be discarded and thrown away like a piece of trash, if that's what was happening. I didn't want to have 0 chance of learning & growing as a person even if this friendship wasn't salvageable due to my monstrous nature, if that's what was happening.

So I block evaded like fckn crazy. Gmail, pet game sites, discord, skype, deviantart, whatever online platform that we shared that had messaging enabled. I called her phone several times. On the 3-4th call, her mom picked up and told me that none of the above was true. That she wasn't about to die, that I wasn't being thrown away like trash, and that I wasn't a monster. She didn't agree with her daughters actions and thought it unfair to me, but ultimately it was my friend's choice. All simultaneously which just did not compute.

If the list she sent me was true, I was a shitty horrible person. If it wasn't, and she isn't about to die, then not be able to just have a calm sit-down conversation at some point about it and clear it up - if I wasn't worth even attempting to make that effort then I was being thrown away like trash. I kept trying for days afterwards to talk to her - just, anything at all. Nothing got through, she never responded to anything.

And... that was that.

I didn't have a chance to talk to her again. I didn't have a chance to clear up misunderstandings, or understand what I did actually wrong and where, or any sort of closure.

Sometimes if I'm remembering it and feeling paranoid, I'll check and see if she's alive by looking at her online profiles for any activity. Like, maybe once a year tops now. According to the petgame sites, she's still alive at least. I'm assuming she got new social media. Literally it's just a "is she alive, do I have to worry about causing her suicide" check, I don't stalk or look into anything further than that.

Anyway, AITA for how extensively & desperately I was block evading?

What are these acronyms?

[metaphoricallylotus]

airing my grievances

| aug 2nd, 2024

in trying to stay true to myself, i find myself (for a second day in a row!!) writing out my feelings onto this blog. i am tired of running and want to stick to obligations that i have made, for once in my life. what this looks like is precisely this: writing despite not feeling like it, which i am absolutely not on this fine friday evening. i am exhausted and so emotionally drained that 1. have a harder time expressing them due to fatigue and 2. kind of emotionally numb since i use numbness to protect myself when i feel overwhelmed. however, this technique is not healthy whatsoever. so what has happened today and what have i been stressed about? well i've had to go into the city (without giving out details, i live in a suburb and had to drive further inwards towards the city core to buy some furniture for my new apt as university season is coming closer and closer) to run some errands and the spending aspect of furnishing a place for university is stressing-me-the-fuck-out! more on that later. i've also felt many feelings of nostalgia today, which will also be discussed.

so, why does pursuing an education have to be so stressful? money money money MONEY! the monetary aspect of life, especially in regards to renting out a place + sorting out things related to this have been stressing me out to the point where i have had really bad diarrhea and wake up at 7am in the morning and cannot sleep any longer due to my anxiety, despite still feeling rather physically tired. i am not in a terrible financial place, by any means of course. i am rather privileged in terms of capital. however, i have a rational/irrational (i have not been able to figure out if it is rational or not as i am still confused on how i truly understand the value of money) fear of going broke while pursuing my studies. i am worried that i will become homeless (not that i carry any stigma towards homeless individuals. the system is simply broken and we as a society really do not invest in these individuals as a whole. and don't even get me started on the factors that contribute to this). a question for me regarding this would be: so if you are so worried about being broke, why don't you just live at home with your parents while pursuing your education? well, i just don't think i could do it. commuting has various negative impacts on health and as someone who suffers from anxiety and really bad depression, i simply do not have any more energy to deal with the consequences associated with this (increased likelihood of development certain physical health conditions and the overall negative impact commuting would have on my energy levels + mood). i need a lot of time to recuperate and practice self care. this really cannot be done on any sort of public transportation, especially during a trip that would easily take 2+ hours. yes, this sounds like a "privileged" person problem but i do believe that if i were to commute, it would eventually result in me dropping out of university. on top of that, i really cannot live with my parents anymore. i need to break free as them as they are having a (negative) profound impact on me. i fear that if i live with them any longer, i will never be able to truly recover from the damage taken. the damage? two emotionally unavailable adults that judge me on everything that i do and i simply cannot take it anymore. in being emotionally unavailable, they cannot express their feelings properly. i am expected to comfort them, despite them never reciprocating this and even if they did, a daughter should not have to play this role. uncontrollable emotional outbursts ranging from expressions of annoyance to anything to white hot anger. they are codependent on me, from tech issues to directions to providing them with emotional support. i am tired of taking care of everyone but no one taking care of me. the worst thing is that they are completely unaware of the fact that 1. they are acting this extreme and 2. that it is deeply affecting me. and yes, i have tried to have conversations re: this but i don't get through to them. either this case of denial is intentional or unintentional. either way, it's rather frustrating. i also do not want to be in a relationship (platonic or not) where my major role of mine is to try to fix the other person! this is a useless and exhausting effort! save your energy by saving yourself! some may think that this comes off as selfish as "if you truly cared, you would try to change them no matter how many tries it takes." maybe so, but most of the time, trying to change someone simply does not work, especially if they do not want to or simply have an inability to change. at this point, you can only focus on yourself and do what is best for you. for me, this means putting a lot more distance between me and my parents and in the process, learning + undoing unhealthy behaviours and creating healthy ones instead. i believe at this point that this can only be done if i am on my own. through living long enough on this earth, i find that i am easily swayed by others emotions. i unconsciously mimic the mood of the room, even if it does not align with my actual morals on how should i react

continued in comments^ -------------->

PREVIOUS

| aug 1st

| aug 7th

[notabled-noodle]

ok so uhhh

can you have OCD without violent intrusive thoughts

can OCD overlap with paranoid thinking

can you like, genuinely 100% believe obsessions and compulsions while they're happening. bc google says you usually need ""good insight"" (idrk what that is) for it to count?

can compulsions be mental alongside obsessions? (like. ever since i was probably 7 or so, whenever i get a Bad Thought(TM) i've pictured,,, like,,, the thought itself falling off a cliff?? sorta?? and then it usually goes away. not the best way to explain it but ya)

you mentioned the mind-reading "people will know what i'm thinking" thing being a fear a lot of people with OCD have, and again, is that something that you know is irrational or that you genuinely believe for periods of time/all the time?

sorry if this is a lot

okay!! this is a bit, but I don’t really mind — OCD is genuinely one of my favourite topics

yes! not all intrusive thoughts are violent. OCD tends to come in “themes”. so if you have Sexual Orientation OCD, your thoughts might be sexual. if you have morality OCD, your thoughts might be about being a bad person

OCD can overlap with paranoid thinking, yeah. it is almost a kind of paranoia that encourages the person to do a compulsion. “if I don’t do x, y will happen” etc etc.

it tends to fluctuate depending on how poor your mental health is. “good insight” means that you know you’re being irrational, “bad insight” means you think you’re being completely rational. psychotic OCD is what happens when you have such poor insight that you cannot distinguish reality from your intrusive thoughts. the thing with OCD is that it is on a sliding scale that tends to fluctuate

mental compulsions do exist, yes! counting, rumination, visualisation, avoidance, and self-reassurance all count as mental compulsions. they’re more common with Pure O OCD, but most OCD-havers tend to have some mental compulsions and some physical ones

again, it depends. sometimes I legitimately do believe that my thoughts are so loud that someone could hear them, sometimes I don’t believe it. honestly it fluctuates depending on how well my life is going and how much sleep I’ve had

the thing to remember is that OCD is the doubt disorder — people with OCD cannot tolerate uncertainty. intrusive thoughts bring about a sense of uncertainty, and compulsions are a way to try and bring certainty back into your life.

“I don’t know if I believe my thoughts or not” is a very common OCD experience, because there is a niggling of doubt there and it is next to impossible to find certainty in that situation.

hope that makes sense (and feel free to send follow-up questions if you want!)

[chameleocoonj]

IM SORRY NOT SORRY FOR MASS LIKING UR POSTS BUT OMG BESTIE???

Dude.

Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude DUDE.

Okay. So. So um. Some context here.

I have a pretty bad phobia of bugs.

A couple of summers ago, a bad mix of new meds and some awful ocd behaviors spiked me into the red zone where I would cry over an ant on my ceiling and be unable to sleep out of pure fear. I would check over every corner in every room I entered so that I wouldn’t be surprised by bugs. I was a wreck, and it was taking up a huge amount of my days to do all of this.

After going to therapy, I slowly learned to manage my fears, and slowly but surely I went back to a better version of myself; with coping mechanisms and a newfound respect for bugs. (Even if I fear them, still.)

Now, years later, I’ve discovered your blog and your content, and I have to say that your artwork makes me smile so much. I love the way that you draw bugs and insects and arachnids and the like; especially with the shape language and the way that you render your pieces in such a cute style.

This year I’ve actually been getting better at letting spiders go, even if they’re too close for comfort; I feel too bad not to, they’re funky little fellas and they’re great for the environment. And your blog is introducing me to so many cute little fellas we don’t get here… Its awesome!

I just wanted to thank you for making such amazing art of lil creatures that don’t get a lot of love irl. Im giving you a follow since not only is it awesome; but you’re giving me a lot of inspiration to maybe go and search up some critters for myself— or at least practice character design again with some more unique concepts in mind. What’s great is it gives me the chance to face my fears and look up images that I normally wouldn’t, that would give me the heebie jeebies; mainly to gain more respect and love for these guys— maybe even hop over a hurdle or two in terms of my fear of them.

So…

Thank you. Thank you so much. :D /gen /pos

Keep up the great work! 💖

(Will find some cute images off of Google dot com and send you them via a second ask so that I don’t lose this one adhsjdhs)

Wow, thank you so much! It's wonderful to know my bug art is helping people feel more comfortable with bugs, that's one of my goals!! I've been trying really hard to balance cuteness and realism in my bug art for just that reason. I think a fear of bugs is perfectly rational- they are mysterious, alien in appearance, and sometimes genuinely dangerous- what I find irrational is a hatred of bugs. I'm no mental health expert, but there is definitely a level of healthy fear and respect to have for our creepy crawly pals, and I'm glad it sounds like you're there! I've gotten the occasional weird and cruel comment on my work about spiders or wasps, but it's all overshadowed by things like your writing here. Thank you for your kindness! <3

Here are some doodlies of a few of the bugs you sent me in your other ask, really good choices in the cute department :>

[kiirokero]

Outro: Love is Not Over (5)

Pairing: Daycare Teacher! Hoseok x Single Mom! Reader.

Genre: Single Parent! AU, Teacher! AU, Hybrid! AU, Fluff, Angst, Adorable Kids,

Warnings: Oh boy, self doubt, A LOT of it. angsty, momma y/n isn’t doing too good, mentions of anxiety, allusions to worthlessness, just a lot of bad intrusive thoughts that are very degrading (and not in the smexy way)

Word Count: 1.1k

Note: I have a website that calculates my word count for stories, but it also tells me the most used word. 1.4% of this chapter is the word “Yunho” lol

Summary: Years after a relationship goes south. You are the single mother of a beautiful 6-year-old golden retriever hybrid who you named Yunho. He is the light of your life. Yunho is everything to you, and you’d do anything for him. But you’re a human. Yunho doesn’t care, he will tell you he doesn’t. “You’re still my Eomma. No matter what.” He says. But you can’t help but feel like you will never be enough for him. You can’t be the mother he deserves. You can’t show him the ropes of being a hybrid, and you can’t teach him things the other moms can. But you try. You try your damn hardest. So, when a handsome German Shepard hybrid comes into your life, helping you and guiding Yunho in a way you can’t, you can’t help the cozy home he sets up in your heart.

Chapter Guide:

Previous / Next (Coming Soon)

Tag List: @kurochan3 @mrcleanheichou @anonymous-armys-blog @alanasfashion @purelyecstacy​ Blogs highlighted in bold could not be tagged. Please message me privately so we can resolve the problem and I can tag you next time ^^

      Being an adult was exhausting. Especially the part where you pretend that you're listening when the bank teller states you should’ve cashed in your paycheck 2 days ago to get a lesser fee. Thanks Pat, I’ll think of that next time I’m working my ass off and talking care of a six-year-old, lovely advice, you are so helpful. 

     But it was enough to distract me from the underlying inferiority I felt every time I saw a dog hybrid in passing, even if it was just for a bit. I understood that the trend today was short fur and undercuts, but what if their fur was short for a bigger reason? Was it just their style or was it practical? Is long fur bad for your health? 

      These questions never left my head as I got some time to myself. I was on my way to pick up Yunho from his little daycare adventure. Hyejin texted me occasionally throughout the day, giving me updates about how Yunho was doing. Every picture she sent had a smiling golden retriever boy who looked more than okay, perfectly happy and healthy. 

      However, it pained me that seeing him sport his long fur stirred up insecurity in me. It was like a taunt. Words playing in the back of my head, telling me I was an incapable mother, that Yunho deserved better, that when he grows up and sees these pictures, he’ll resent you. 

      Like the laughter of a jester, I was calling myself stupid, unworthy. Every single thing I’ve done imperfectly played in my head like a twisted movie from hell. Look, look, look. Look how incapable you are. Look how badly you're raising your son. Look at your failures. 

      Even if I turned on the radio, I could still hear my subconscious toying with me. Like a fly in a tarantula’s nest. Why has one person's observation affected me so much? A couple words and my resolve suddenly came crashing down? Maybe it was the one spark that needed to set off the explosion. All the TNT, lined up from previous nights consumed by irrational thoughts, now finally igniting. “You’re failing”

Rationally, I knew that wasn’t the case. 

But it’s never that easy, is it? 

“Eomma!”

“Hi, bub!” I giggled. 

      Yunho ran into my arms, tackling me onto the hard, concrete sidewalk. But I didn’t mind. Yunho squeezes me tight, scenting me with upmost enthusiasm, his tail whipping around rapidly. “I missed you,” Yunho sighed, fisting his hands into my shirt. “I missed you too baby,” I whispered, holding him just a tad bit closer, and I meant it. 

No matter how bad I felt, I’d always be okay with him around. 

      “Did you have fun?” I asked. He nodded frantically, face painted with excitement. “Yes! I got to play with legos!” He raised his arms up, expressing just how much he loved playing with the legos. “You did? That’s awesome!” I gasped, kissing my son on the forehead. 

      I stood back up on my feet, taking Yunho in my arms to carry him back to the daycare. I still had to thank Hyejin, and no doubt was she still in the office, giving me a moment with Yunho. but to my surprise, it wasn’t Hyejin that let Yunho bolt out the door and tackle me to the ground. It was Hoseok. 

      He gave me a shy wave and smile as Yunho and I entered the front office. I gave him a genuine one back. I may be fighting with myself in my head, but it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know, so why be cold? “Hello Hoseok,” I said, and Yunho also gives him an excited wave.

     “Hello Y/n, how was your day?” He asked, but his words were still tight, still cautious. “It was okay... Thank you for watching over Yunho for me, you and Hyejin both.” Hoseok seemed to light up a bit at my words as his smile grew wider. “It’s nothing really, Yunho is an amazing kid,” I felt my heart swell at those words, Yunho was definitely an amazing kid. I must’ve done something right. Right?

      “Yeah, he is,” I teased the boy who blushed and hid his face in the crook of my neck. I cooed at his cuteness before Hoseok spoke up again. “I-I’m sorry for earlier, I really didn’t mean to upset you.” He curved into himself a bit. 

      His apology was sincere, I knew that. From what Hyejin had told me and from what I observed, Hoseok was a good guy. He didn’t know the impact his words had, besides; it was my problem anyway. Why burden someone else?

    “I’d like to take you for a coffee sometime, as an apology” Hoseok added on after I didn’t say anything for a minute or two. I chuckled, “That sounds nice, but you don’t have to. It’s okay, really,” but Hoseok shook his head, insisting that this was the way to apologize for something that obviously struck a deep nerve. 

“Alright, I give in. Do you have a date in mind?” I asked.

“Ah... I didn’t get that far... Here, I’ll give you my number so I can text you!” Hoseok exclaimed, having an eureka moment. 

“Smooth, Hoseok, very smooth.” I giggled. 

      “Wha? Oh no! I didn’t- I mean...” Hoseok stuttered on, a flush of pink on his face. “I’m joking,” I smiled. Hoseok sighed in relief, chuckling to himself. “Here you go,” Hoseok handed me his phone, and I entered my number in his contacts with one hand, expertly. People don’t mention that one of the mom powers is being able to do things one handed. 

      “I’ll text you as soon as I can,” Hoseok promised. “I’ll be waiting,” I said, forgetting all about my worries and fears for a moment. The air felt calm, my brain relaxed, it was easier to breathe. I was thankful for that, even if the moment was short. 

      Yunho looked out the car window at the trees that lined the road. He was swinging his feet back and forth. The ears on the top of his head twitched a bit every time a new song started on the radio. The sun hit his face like a Picasso painting that screamed innocence. A portrait that slipped off the canvas, given to me, even if I wasn’t deserving of such beauty. 

      “Hey bub?” I called, glancing in the rear-view mirror to look at my son. “Yea?” He answered back, looking towards me even if he couldn’t look at my face. “Are your ears and tail okay?”

“Yep!”

“Your fur doesn’t bother you?”

“Nope!”

“Are you sure? We can cut it if it’s bothering you,”

“I don’t wanna cut it!” 

      Yunho doesn’t lie. He can’t. He always gives himself away by either avoiding my gaze or mumbling to himself. But he was confident in those words. That helped. “Okay bub, I love you.”

“I love you too Eomma,”

[lovemesomesurveys]

How often are you optimistic? I’m Little Miss Pessimistic.  Would you say your thoughts are generally rational and logical ... or irrational and illogical? Some are irrational, but I think I’m pretty logical to be honest. The problem is that my emotions and fears often control me.  Tell an interesting fact about your favorite country? Nah.  Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? No. Are you the type to pay attention to detail? Yes and no. I sometimes find that I’m trying to look at the bigger, full picture so I miss the important stuff. I overlook the pieces that build up to the bigger picture and in doing so, I end up causing problems for myself. Or I’m seeing something totally wrong. Like, had I paid more attention to the details then perhaps some things could have been avoided because I would have taken the time to really look at it. None of this is probably making any sense. 

To you, what is especially distracting? I sometimes struggle with getting distracted, especially this past year. My mind is just so jumbled and always running. I have so much going on.  What are some things that are important in your life right now? My faith, my family, and my health.  When was the last time you did some major cleaning? Uhhh. It’s been a long time. I haven’t had the energy, strength, or motivation to do much the past few years and this past year I’ve pretty much been bedridden. These past 3 months I’ve been completely bedridden and will be for awhile.  Have you ever thrown anything away, and regretted it later? Yes. I have a hard time getting rid of things as it is.  Are you the type to regret things, or live and learn? Unfortunately, I have several regrets. I continued to make a lot of the same mistakes because I’m so damn stubborn. Some of those landed me in the position I’m in now, which greatly impacted my health. Like, dangerously so.  How often do you feel like you need time to yourself? I always need to have some alone time. I get overwhelmed and feel drained, so I need time to just do my thing.  Do you like being around other people? Why is this? Not big groups of people. I like spending time with my family and I need that time as well as having my alone time. I haven’t felt up to socializing with people outside my family, mainly just my immediate family, the past few years. I just don’t have the energy or desire for anything more than that right now. I lost my friends in the process and there’s a lot of extended family members I haven’t seen in so long.  Do you feel like anyone "gets" you? Who? My mom and brother do the most, but I don’t think anyone completely does. I don’t even completely understand myself.  What would you be most likely to do with a friend, today? I just explained that I don’t have any friends or a social life right now. When are you most likely to be crabby? I’m irritable and crabby a lot. :/ These past few months have been especially hard since I’ve been laid up in the hospital dealing with a ton of health stuff and on top of it not being able to eat or drink. No coffee for 3 months doesn’t help, ha.  How about upbeat and cheerful? I haven’t felt those in a long time. I’ll be in decent moods and have some moments where I’m enjoying something, but I certainly haven’t felt upbeat or cheerful.  Who challenges you the most? In what way? Life? These past few years and these past few months especially have really been doing that. It’s been really challenging and there’s been many times where I wanted to just give up. I just feel so weak and discouraged.  Who seems to hold you back? In what way? Me because of my health. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I think about what I used to complain about and I’m like damn, you wasted all that time complaining and doing nothing about it and letting life pass you by and now I’m completely bedridden dealing with a lot and can’t do anything. I just pray I’ll be able to get to a better place in terms of my health and be able to live my life again.  What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? The opportunity to take better care of myself and take care of things that I should have so that I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now. I know I sound like a broken record, but this is my life right now, it’s at the center of my thoughts and all I have going on. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. Would you rather have a quiet day at home, or be on the go? I’m a homebody, I like my time at home, but I do like to go do things like shop and go to the movies as well. I don’t feel the need to be on the go, though. Of course now that I haven’t been able to go anywhere or do much of anything there is a lot I want to do. I had wanted to really dive into the holidays this year and do stuff and there’s traveling I want to do, too. None of that will be happening, though. :/  Do you think you made a good impression on the last person you met? *shrug*  How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? Oh, that makes me extremely angry and upset.  Are you able to ask for help when you need it? I’m very dependent right now on others and I’m struggling because I used to be more independent before my health took its toll. I used to actually do things. Now I feel so weak and need help with just about everything it seems. I should have been asking for help before with some things and even now there’s still things I should be asking for help with. I always just tend to keep so much to myself and try to deal with things on my own. Look where that got me... How intense is your anger? Have you ever hurt anyone|yourself? I’m someone who shuts down when upset or angry. I want to just be alone and not interact with anyone. I need time to just sit with it, I can’t just move on quickly. What is something red that you like to eat? Umm, I like spaghetti with marinara sauce.  Do you ever have trouble getting lighters to work? I don’t mess with lighters cause I’m a scardy cat. 

If someone drinks, would that lower your opinion of that person? No? I’d only have an issue If they were obnoxious or abusive drunks.  Do you know anyone who is abusive? Are you abusive? No to both.  Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? No. If your best friend wanted to cheat on his/her partner, you would say? I would try to offer them some advice on not going through with it, but ultimately they’re going to do what they want. Who do you know that gives very sound advice? My mom. What do you think makes a person weak? I’m much more understanding and kind towards others, so what I see as weak in me I don’t in others. I see myself as very weak and I’m harsh on myself, but I don’t see it the same way towards others; I’m more empathetic.  What makes a person strong? People who try to do their best. Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? I don’t know.  Who do you go to when you need comfort? Usually no one, it’s like the asking for help thing I talked about when it comes to this as well. If I do, it’s my mom. I know I could go to her anytime about anything, I just tend not to. :/ Is there anyone|thing with whom|which you like to cuddle? I don’t have much cuddling experience to be honest.  Do nightmares still bother you? Yes.  At what age did you start to feel like a teen, and not a kid anymore? I think when I got to high school.  Are you or were you in a hurry to grow up? No, I was never that kid who was in a rush to grow up. At 33 I miss my childhood so much. I’d love to have it back, this adult shit isn’t for me.  What is a fear you have about living on your own? Being alone, having something bad happen.  Do you have any survey-maker recommendations? If yes, who? I just go to Bzoink.  Who was the last person to completely fascinate you? Uhhh. I don’t know.

[free--therapy]

5 Tips for Dealing with Guilt

Written by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on May 18, 2019

Guilt has an incredible way of popping up even when we’re barely doing anything at all.

Most of us learn guilt throughout normal childhood development. Guilt clues us in when we’ve stepped outside the boundaries of our core values. It makes us take responsibility when we’ve done something wrong and helps us to develop a greater sense of self-awareness. The feeling of guilt forces us to examine how our behavior affects others and make changes so that we don’t make the same mistake again.

How can we learn to deal with guilt — accepting it when it is appropriate and letting it go when it’s unnecessary?

1. Is this guilt appropriate and, if so, what is its purpose?

Guilt works best to help us grow and mature when our behavior has been offensive or hurtful to others or ourselves. If we feel guilty for saying something offensive to another person, or for focusing on our careers with an 80-hour work-week over our family, that’s a warning sign with a purpose: change your behavior or you will push away your friends or family. We can still choose to ignore our guilt then, but then we do so at our own risk. This is known as “healthy” or “appropriate” guilt because it serves a purpose in trying to help redirect our moral or behavioral compass.

The problem arises when we don’t need to reexamine our behavior or makes changes. For example, a lot of first-time mothers feel badly about going back to work part-time, fearful it may cause unknown damage to their child’s normal development. However, that’s simply not the case in most situations and most children have a normal, healthy development even when both parents work. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, yet we still do. This is known as “unhealthy” or “inappropriate” guilt because it serves no rational purpose.

If you’re feeling guilty for eating five chocolate bars in a row, that’s your brain’s way of trying to get the message to you about a behavior you probably already recognize is a little extreme. Such behavior may be self-destructive and ultimately harmful to your health and well-being. So the rational purpose of this guilt is simply to try and convince you to change this behavior.

2. Makes changes, instead of wallowing in guilt.

If your guilt is for a specific and rational purpose — e.g., it’s healthy guilt — take action to fix the problem behavior. While many of us are gluttons for self-punishment, ongoing guilt weighs us down as we try and move forward in life. It’s easy enough to apologize to someone whom we’ve offended by a careless remark. It’s a little more challenging to not only recognize how your 80-hour-a-week career may be harming your family, but to also change your work schedule (assuming that there were legitimate reasons for working 80-hours a week in the first place).

Healthy guilt is telling us we need to do something different in order to repair relationships important to us (or our own self-esteem). Unhealthy guilt’s purpose, on the other hand, is only to make us feel badly.

While sometimes we already know the lesson guilt is trying to teach us, it will return time and time again until we’ve actually learned the lesson fully. It can be frustrating, but it seems to be the way guilt works for most people. The sooner we “learn the lesson” — e.g., make amends, work to not engage in the same hurtful behavior in the future, etc. — the sooner the guilt will disappear. If successful, it will never return for that issue again.

3. Accept that you did something wrong, but then move on.

If you did something wrong or hurtful, you will have to accept that you cannot change the past. But you can make amends for your behavior, if and when it’s appropriate. Do so, apologize, or make-up for the inappropriate behavior in a timely manner, but then let it go. The more we focus on believing we need to do something more, the more it will continue to bother us and interfere with our relationships with others.

Guilt is usually very situational. That means we get into a situation, we do something inappropriate or hurtful, and then we feel badly for a time. Either the behavior wasn’t so bad or time passes, and we feel less guilty. If we recognize the problem behavior and take action sooner rather than later, we’ll feel better about things (and so will the other person) and the guilt will be alleviated. Obsessing about it, however, and not taking any type of compensatory behavior (such as apologizing, or changing one’s negative behavior) keeps the bad feelings going. Accept and acknowledge the inappropriate behavior, make your amends, and then move on.

4. Learn from mistakes.

Guilt’s purpose isn’t to make us feel bad just for the sake of it. Legitimate guilt is trying to get our attention so that we can learn something from the experience. If we learn from our behavior, we’ll be less likely to do it again in the future. If I’ve accidentally said something insulting to another person, my guilt is telling me I should (a) apologize to the person and (b) think a little more before I open my mouth.

If your guilt isn’t trying to correct an actual mistake you made in your behavior, it’s unhealthy guilt and there’s not a whole lot you need to learn. Instead of learning how to change that behavior, a person can instead try to understand why a simple behavior most people wouldn’t feel guilty about is causing them to feel guilt. For instance, I felt guilty for spending some time playing a game during regular work hours. But, since I work for myself, I don’t really keep “regular work hours.” It’s just hard for me to change that mindset after years of working for others.

5. Recognize that no one is perfect.

Not even our friends or family members who appear to lead perfect, guilt-free lives. Striving for perfection in any part of our lives is a recipe for failure, since it can never be attained.

We all make mistakes and many of us go down a path in our lives that can make us feel guilty later on, when we finally realize our mistake. The key, however, is to realize the mistake and accept that you’re only human. Don’t engage in days, weeks or months of self-blame — battering your self-esteem because you should’ve known, should’ve acted differently, or should’ve been an ideal person. You’re not, and neither am I. That’s just life.

Guilt is one of those emotions that we feel is telling us something important. Be aware that not every emotion, and certainly not every guilty feeling, is a rational one that has a purpose. Focus on the guilt that causes loved ones or friends harm. And remember to be skeptical the next time you feel guilty – is it trying to teach you something rational and helpful about your behavior, or is it just an emotional, irrational response to a situation? The answer to that question will be your first step to helping you better cope with guilt in the future.

[5-seconds-of-bucky]

Glad It’s You (Shawn Mendes Soulmate!au)

A/N: We got all kinds of classic tropes and au’s in here. Coffee shop, friends to lovers, soulmate. Also, let’s appreciate the fact that it’s actually of decent length this time :) My longest fic yet! 

Also, I’m aware that the timeline of some events that correspond to real life aren’t perfect but for the sake of my sanity please go with it 

Summary: Shawn lives in a world in which he believes he doesn’t have a soulmate until he starts feeling the emotions of someone else. You live in a world where undiagnosed social anxiety prevents you from finding yours. After not seeing each other for three years, the bond you once had is no longer as strong. How does Shawn tell you that he thinks you’re his soulmate when you’re still scared to talk to him like you once did? 

Word count: 8.9k+

Warnings: Reader is heavily implied to have social anxiety, swearing, descriptions of an anxiety attack  

*Disclaimer: The depiction of social anxiety is based off of my own experience and research and may or may not accurately reflect the experience of other people with SAD* 

It was hard to tell if soulmates made life infinitely better or perpetually more difficult.

The discrepancy probably stemmed from the fact that not everyone had the same soulmate indicator. Some had the tattoos of the occupation of their soulmate. Some couldn’t see color until they met theirs. Others could feel the emotions of the other person. There was an endless array of indications. Oftentimes, soulmates had different indicators. It wasn’t rare for someone to have a tattooed name while their soulmate could feel the other’s emotions. 

Since the day you were born, the initials S.M. were tattooed on the inside of your wrist. As a child it was a game. You asked every person you met what their name was, your mind consumed with the idea of eternal love that had been ingrained from a young age. There was always a moment of disappointment when they would tell you “Sammy Jones” or “Eric Miller”. With all the adults romanticizing the idea of soulmates, it was hard not to look for yours in every place you could. 

For a long time, Shawn thought he didn’t have a soulmate. There were no indicators while he was growing up to show that he could have one. He could see color and there were no special tattoos marking his body. It was a source of shame when his friends would ask, “What about you?” after telling him about theirs. Watching his friends talking about their indicators and finding their soulmates was frustrating. He was a normal kid. What did he do to deserve a life of loneliness that only a soulmate could fill? 

Even when his career as a singer launched and he started to understand why it was possible that he might never find love, it was hard to comprehend that he was destined for no one. Was he really that undeserving of love?

He was twenty when he started feeling someone else’s emotions. 

It came out of nowhere. He was celebrating the release of his third album and he couldn’t have been happier. He was on cloud nine, meeting everyone at the party with an enthusiastic smile and hug. He felt complete, even. He had stopped dwelling on his lack of soulmate and instead focused on putting everything he had into his songwriting. 

It was the best choice he’d ever made. His music blossomed and his mental health was better than ever. All the anxiety of being alone and hoping that something, anything, would pop up to show him that he was meant for someone had started to fade to the background. Maybe he would never truly be over the fact that there was no perfect match for him but he could try to block it out of his mind. 

There was a point in his life when he thought that maybe he did have a soulmate. That the system was screwed up and he did have a person. He was 16 and his career was already taking off but he couldn’t help but think that he was falling in love with you, his best friend, while he also fell in love with making music. 

You were by his side through it all: random nights when he’d ask you to come over to help him come up with lyrics, days when it started to get a little too much, evenings when he just needed a quick break. You were the best of friends and there was a bond you thought would never be broken.

One day, he realized that he didn’t need some tattoo or the ability to read your thoughts; you were meant for each other. Neither of you could deny the pull you felt when you were together and random people who didn’t know better often mistook you for a couple. 

But he realized too late. He went on his first world tour and wasn’t sure how to tell you his feelings when he was constantly so far away. You liked plans and stability; his life didn’t offer that in any capacity. 

And then it was too hard to stay connected. He was touring and you were still trying to finish school. There just wasn’t time for you to talk to him at 3:30 in the morning. So you lost touch. There was a text every once and awhile. An empty promise of “we need to meet up” or “wanna talk?”

You both decided in your minds that it wasn’t meant to be. That you had a different soulmate and he had none. It’s been three years now since you were together to have a real conversation. You were beginning to grow frustrated with the search for your soulmate and Shawn had given up all together. 

That was, until he felt a surge of anxiety hit him like a truck in the middle of his party. It lasted no more than three seconds but he couldn’t quite shake the feeling after it passed. He had no idea where it came from. One second he felt on top of the world, the next like he couldn’t stoop lower. 

~

It had only been an hour and a half but you were ready to leave the party. It had been an eventful night by your standards. You had talked to two people besides your roommate, which was two more than usual. Your roommate, Alana had been by your side the whole night, a promise she had to make before you agreed to come, but she eventually had to go to the bathroom, leaving you leaning against a wall by yourself. She had only been gone for three minutes, you could feel all the anxiety creeping up on you. 

Do they think I look lonely? My friend will be back in a minute, I swear!

If I look at my phone they might think I’m just chilling.

They probably think I’m that weirdo that stands against the wall the whole time and doesn’t talk to people. 

Calm down. Nobody cares what you’re doing. They’re all doing their own thing. 

. . . They looked at me funny. They think I’m weird. 

Oh can we just go home? 

As much as you tried to tell yourself that no one cared that you were standing against the wall by yourself, there was that part of you that convinced you that they cared a lot. You were already exhausted purely from being around all the people and loud music. Alana had been gone for three minutes and in those three minutes you had begun to shake and sweat just the slightest bit. You knew that nobody was judging you, it was irrational, but in the back of your mind told you otherwise. 

~

Shawn excused himself from the room, taking a minute to gather his thoughts. While it wasn’t completely abnormal for random bouts of anxiety to hit him, this one felt different. Foreign, as though it wasn’t his own emotions, rather, someone else’s. 

He wiped his hands on his pants, confused as to why they were so sweaty all of a sudden. It wasn’t particularly hot yet he felt warm. Maybe he was worrying too much. It was probably nothing. He ran a hand through his hair before going back to the party, putting a smile on his face and the past ten minutes behind him. 

“Hey man, you alright?” Brian asked as he approached him. 

‘Yeah, just needed to go to the bathroom.” 

“You sure? You look a little shaken.” He wasn’t blind to how Shawn’s eyes were darting around and how he appeared a little more closed off than usual. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He turned his head when someone else called his name and nodded to Brian before heading over to them. He spent the rest of the night doing his best to look excited, but those three seconds plagued his mind the whole time.

~ 

While Shawn struggled to keep his hopes of a soulmate under wraps, you were more desperate than ever to find yours. It seemed like all of your friends were finding theirs and you were perpetually alone.  

With the way you tended to shy away from meeting new people, most people assumed you didn’t want to find your soulmate. That you would rather live a life alone, or that maybe you were never assigned a soulmate to begin with.

You had met a few potential soulmates after losing touch with Shawn. Every time you heard an S.M. name your heart stopped. Maybe you had finally found them. You pushed past the fear of approaching them, rationalizing it with the thought that this could be your only chance to find them. It never worked though. They all had an indicator pointing towards someone else, leaving you upset and embarrassed.  

There was always a small part of you that thought Shawn could be your soulmate, even if he didn’t have any indication of one. You were sure he thought the same way but you lost touch before either of you could really say anything about it. 

You thought about asking him to meet up when he was in town a few times but something stopped you every time. The thought of what if he doesn’t remember me? or worse, what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? was enough to keep you from sending the text. 

It was easy to ignore your loneliness when you could bury yourself in schoolwork, which you had a tendency of doing. It was the easiest excuse to get out of everything. Don’t want to go to a party? Oh, I have to finish editing my essay. Alana tried to set you up on a blind date? I have tests coming up I need to study for. 

Alana was determined to help you find your soulmate, even if you didn’t want to cooperate. 

“Come on, Y/N. Maybe they’ll be at this party! I promise there won’t be a ton of people there and I know you finished that essay last night cause you told me about it and said that you were looking forward to a work free night,” she said, closing your laptop so you couldn’t “work” on your already finished essay. 

“But I want to go over it a few more times to make sure everything is right,” you replied. “Besides, we went to a party last month.” 

“Exactly, last month. Let’s go.”  

“I don’t want to go.” 

“You’re never going to meet your soulmate just sitting at your desk and pretending to work on an essay.” 

“It’s not entirely impossible.” 

“Y/N.” 

So that’s how you ended up at the party, looking around for a potential soulmate. You insisted that they wouldn’t be there; they never were, but Alana insisted that a night out would be good for you, no matter the soulmate circumstance, and dragged you along. 

Truth be told, it was a good thing she forced you to attend. If you had it your way, you would spend most nights in your room, ignoring the rest of the world and sitting on your phone. You were fine hanging with close friends every once and awhile, but a night in was always more appealing. 

According to Alana, however, that wasn’t normal, and you needed to go out in the world and talk to people, unless you wanted to be alone forever. 

You would say, “But I do want to be alone forever. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t even like going to the bank, much less a party filled with people I don’t know.” 

And she would say, “Please, I know that you want to find your soulmate and the only reason you don’t like going to the bank is because it makes you nervous and you’re worried that the people working there are going to be mad at you for no reason.” 

So you would say, “I’ve probably met all the potential soulmates already. What’s the chance that some random person is going to show up to the party and just happen to be that person?” 

And she would tell you, “People randomly meet their soulmates all the time. Yours isn’t going to walk through this door without knowing you first. If you don’t at least leave this dorm you’ll never meet them. Think of how lonely they must feel, waiting for you to come out of hiding.”  

And, as much as you wished you could, you couldn’t really argue with that. The real problem after that was talking to people. You argued that you’re already there, so there’s no reason that if your soulmate was at the party, they couldn’t come find you. Alana tried to get you to socialize by walking around with you and introducing you to new people, but they were usually more interested in talking with her than you. 

That’s how you ended up against the wall, allowing yourself to overthink while Alana went to the bathroom.

~

Shawn continued to experience those random emotions throughout the tour. Random flashes of feelings that weren’t quite his. He would be lounging around when he would suddenly feel excited and energetic, only for it to pass by within a few seconds. One time, he was feeling particularly miserable when a surge of adrenaline and anger came through him. 

He had no idea where the feelings were coming from. He was starting to think that they were somehow connected to his soulmate. 

A glimmer of hope after years of desperation and disappointment. 

Part of him wanted to dismiss it, thinking that no, I can’t have a soulmate. I’ve worked way too hard to get past this to dwell on it again. The other part wanted to take the idea and run with it. 

He tried to argue with himself that it couldn’t be soulmate related.

It’s not like it happening all the time or constantly in the back of my mind.

How would this help me find them anyways? 

It’s all in my head. 

Still, it did little to block the thought that maybe, just maybe, it was related. 

~ 

It was a quiet day at the coffee shop. Granted, most days were fairly quiet, as the shop was located in a secluded area, but still. You assumed it was mainly attributed to the fact that exams were coming up and people didn’t have time to drive down to the shop when there was a Starbucks much closer to the dorms. You were in the same predicament, having your books splayed out on the counter to study in between customers. 

You and Shawn used to come to the coffee shop every Friday after school. Even after Shawn left to go on tour and live life as a rockstar, you made sure to visit the shop at least once a month. Afterall, you were friends with the owner, Eileen, and you would hate to just stop coming and never see her again. 

You eventually landed a job there. It was a little bit of a drive from the dorms but you knew that when Eileen offered you the job, you wouldn’t be able to find one with as good pay and flexible hours anywhere closer. Sometimes being friends with the owner for a long time has its perks.

There was a collage of photos on the wall behind the register that made the place really feel like home. There were tons of random photos ranging from when the shop first opened to when Eileen took a picture of a slice of cake she insisted had a face in it. 

You appeared on the wall a few times, but your favorite picture was the one of you and Shawn right before he left for tour the first time. You were both laughing in the picture, Shawn’s arm around your shoulders as you leaned into him. It was the last time you went to the shop together and you remembered just how fun of a time it was. It always left an ache in your heart when you looked at it, remembering all the good times you had together. 

You didn’t have many other close friends, so once Shawn left for tour you felt a lot lonelier. Your mom tried to get you to make new friends, but it wasn’t as easy for you as she insisted it was. 

“Why can’t you talk to the people across the road? They have  a girl your age.” 

“But she already has a friend group. We’ve lived across the street from each other for years. It would be weird if I suddenly introduced myself and tried to break into her friend group.” 

“You’re never going to make friends if you don’t talk to people.” 

“I have friends.” 

“But don’t you want to hang out with more than two people?” 

“No, I have my friends. That’s all I need.” 

More often than not, you did wish you had more than two friends, or that Shawn would come back and eliminate the need to make new ones, but wishing did nothing to help your loneliness.  You made a few more friends once you went to college, and you were completely okay with your small group, but it never satisfied the longing to see Shawn again. 

~

“What are we doing here?” Brian asked as Shawn pulled into the parking lot of a worn down but homely looking building. “And what is this place?” 

“It’s a coffee shop I used to come to every week. I haven’t seen Eileen in years,” Shawn said with a wistful look as he parked the car. 

“Eileen?” 

“The owner.” 

Brian huffed, realizing that they would be stuck there for a while if Shawn knew the owner. He liked to talk to people. And when he talked, he talked and talked and talked.

“Relax, I’ll buy you a coffee.” 

They both got out of the car and walked into the shop, Shawn smiling when he heard the bell above the door ring. He looked around for a second, noting how almost nothing changed since he’d last been there a few years ago. The chairs and tables were still in the same places, same coffee smell, even that stuffed cat that Shawn gave Eileen as a joke was still sitting on the windowsill. 

The only big change he noticed was the photo wall. There were a lot more photos than he remembered. He wondered if he would still be able to find that picture of you and him. 

He looked to the counter and saw a girl with Y/H/C hair, her head buried in the textbooks that were scattered across the counter. 

“Dude, we getting coffee or what?” Brian said with a teasing smile, walking closer to the counter to read the menu posted on the wall behind it.

You were so invested in studying that you didn’t even hear the bell ring when they came in, only looking up when you saw someone approaching the counter out of the corner of your eye.

“Oh, hi, sorry ‘bout that. How can I help you?” you said as you looked up, met with the face of an oddly familiar young man. 

“Can I get a-”

“Y/N?” Shawn questioned from behind him, confusion painting his face. He hadn’t seen you in three years but you didn’t look all that different. A little more mature, sure, but he could tell it was still obviously you. 

You furrowed your eyebrows at the familiar voice, glancing behind Brian to see Shawn. Your eyes widened at his appearance, no longer a boy but now a man. “Shawn?” 

“Hey, Y/N, can you empty the garbage and put it out back?” Eileen asked as she walked out of the small kitchen area that was closed off from the rest of the store. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Shawn, a smile taking over her face as she took in how he’d grown up over the years. “Shawn Mendes, is that you?” 

“Indeed, it is,” he said with a shy smile. “How are you Eileen?”  

“Pretty good if I do say so myself. How are you? How’s the rockstar life treating you?” 

“It’s pretty great.” 

Meanwhile, you were still staring at your former best friend, mouth slightly agape as you took him in.   

“Well why don’t we get you two some coffees? On the house of course. Y/N, stop staring at the poor boy. It’s not like you’ve never met him before.”  

You looked at the ground for a second and blushed, smiling at the sound of Shawn’s giggle. 

“Alright, what can I get you guys?” 

They gave you their orders and you got to work, denying the ten dollar bill Shawn offered you to pay for them. 

“On the house, remember? Or are you Mr. rich guy now?” you asked with a slight surge of confidence. You hadn’t seen him in years, but the urge to tease him every chance you got was still there.

“Ooh, okay. You think I’ve changed that much?” 

“A little bit. It’s been a while.” 

“That’s where you’re wrong. I am the exact same person as I was three years ago.” 

“I’m not too sure about that, but okay.” 

Shawn rolled his eyes and put the bill in the tip jar. “Alright, coffee girl. I would like my coffee in two minutes flat. No more no less. Brian is on a very tight schedule so we have to get him home in time for his nap.” 

So Brian was his name. “Your wish is my command, good sir,” you said, bowing at him before turning around to start the drinks. You could hear Shawn giggle behind you, sending an eruption of butterflies to your stomach. 

Shawn felt a slight nervous tinge as well. One that wasn’t quite his. He felt completely natural around you but maybe his soulmate was somewhere else feeling nervous about a presentation or something.  

You gave the boys their coffee, sticking your tongue out at Shawn when he commented on how it took three and a half minutes instead of two and demanded his money back. You returned to the counter, trying your best to focus on studying. You kept getting distracted by Shawn’s voice, which carried across the shop, as he talked to Eileen. He was sitting in the same two person table against the wall that you used to sit in during your weekly visits.  

“You need to go talk to him.” You jumped slightly when you noticed Eileen next to you. 

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me,” you replied tentatively, flipping the page of your book in hopes that it would make it look like you were actually studying. The burst of confidence was gone and you came to the reality that you were both no longer the same person you used to be, therefore, you couldn’t keep that same dynamic. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“I dunno. Just a feeling.” 

“Go talk to him. I know you want to.” She gave you a knowing look and you sighed. “I’ll take over for you for a bit. Go talk to your best friend.” 

“But he’s with Brian and I don’t really know Brian and what if they don’t want to talk to me they just wanted to hang out and-” 

“Y/N.” 

Suddenly, the butterflies grew, and it became more of bird wings than butterflies. You took a deep breath and made you way over there, praying that it would be over quickly and you could go back to studying by yourself. 

You quietly pulled up a chair and sat in it, waiting for Shawn to finish whatever story he was telling Brian.  

“Y/N, just in time,” he said with enthusiasm. “I was just telling Brian the story about Willy the window cat.” 

“Ahh, a classic.” Shawn could sense your unease and quickly introduced you to Brian. He was well aware of your lack of people skills and how uncomfortable you got around new people.  

You spent the better part of the rest of the hour catching up with each other, Shawn doing a lot more talking than you, which you were completely fine with. You tried your best to not show how nervous you felt. 

Even as you tried your best to hide it, Shawn was picking up on the nervous habits. Your lifestyles might’ve changed but you were still the shy girl who subconsciously picked at the inside of her elbow and bounced her foot excessively when nervous. It didn’t matter if you hadn’t seen each other in years, he still knew you like the back of his hand. 

There were days, back when you were really friends, where he would reach over and grab your hand so you would stop picking, or place his hand on your knee to stop the bouncing. He chose to ignore it now, realizing that you had grown apart, and now wasn’t the time to jump back in so intimately. You were always self conscious about the habits and he didn’t want to make you more nervous by pointing them out. 

Even though he was more focused on you throughout the conversation, he noticed how Brian was seemingly getting more and more bored hearing him talk. As much as he wanted to stay and talk to you, he knew he should probably get going. This was supposed to be a quick pit stop to drop in and say hello, not an hour long catch up with the girl he used to be sure was his. 

“We should get going. I think Brian is going to walk home if I stay here much longer.” Brian’s head perked up at the mention of his name and Shawn chuckled. 

“Meet you at the car. Nice meeting you, Y/N.” He was up and out the door in a matter of seconds, causing Shawn to chuckle again.  

It didn’t sit all that well with you though. 

Oh no, he doesn’t like me. 

He thinks I’m some weirdo who doesn’t talk. 

I barely know the guy and he already hates me. 

“We should meet up, just the two of us, sometime. I’m on a break from tour if you’re free anytime soon,” Shawn said, breaking you out of your thoughts. “And don’t worry about Brian. I think he’s just tired.” 

It did little to ease your fears but you smiled like it did anyways. Were you that easy to read? “Uhh, yeah. I have exams next week but we can meet after that.”

“Alright, how does the eighteenth sound?” 

“That works.” You stood up and put your chair back at the table it came from, turning around to find Shawn closer than you expected him to be.  

“Awesome. Text me your address so I can pick you up and take you somewhere.” 

“Okay.” He threw you his signature smile and it made you melt a little. 

“It was great seeing you, Y/N. Tell Eileen I said bye.” 

“Good seeing you too and you got it.” 

He pulled you into a quick side hug and left. 

As much as you tried, you couldn’t study for the rest of your shift. Only three more customers came in within the two hours you had left, so you spent a decent amount of time staring at the wall and stressing about meeting up with Shawn. Two weeks gave you plenty of time to stress about it, which led to thinking of ways to get out of it. 

~

Maybe if I don’t text him the address, he’ll forget, you thought as you stared at your phone the next day, messages open to Shawn’s name, your thumb hovering over the keyboard. It could work. That was enough to convince you to turn off your phone and worry about it later. You went back to working on the presentation you were working on, only pausing when you felt the buzz buzz of your phone telling you that you got a text. 

From Shawn: Hey, what’s your address? What time do you want me to pick you up? 

You panicked slightly, upset that your plan had already fallen apart. You decided to ignore it for the time being. You would worry about it later.  

“Hey, Y/N, can I borrow your phone for a second? Mine’s dead,” Alana asked as she came into the dorm. 

“Sure,” you said as you handed her the phone, not bothering to look away from your computer. 

“Who’s Shawn and why is he asking where you live?” 

Your eyes widened as you realized you forgot to clear the message. “He’s just an old friend. We’re uhh meeting up since we haven’t seen each other in a while.” 

“Well are you going to text him back or do I have to do it?” 

“I will, later.” 

“You’re actually going to do it?” she asked with a curious smile. “And you’re actually going to meet up with him?” 

“Yeah . . .”  

“I’m holding you to this.” 

“What, why? I’m capable of handling my own social life.” 

“Sure you are. You’re not getting out of this though. I know that look.” 

You sighed and glared at her. She knew you too well. “Do you actually need my phone?” 

“Yes, I need to call my mom.” She sent you a sweet smile and you shook your head. “Thank you.” 

You texted Shawn at 9:12 that night, six hours after he sent the original message. 9:12 specifically so it looked like you just saw it and responded as soon as you did, not like you ignored it and were planning to send it at  a specific time, like 9:15. 

He responded thirty seconds later with a thumbs up. 

~

The day of the meetup was stressful. You had already been in your head about it for the past two weeks, but you really started worrying when you realized you had no idea what was going to happen. 

Shawn refused to tell you where you were going, only telling you to dress comfortably and that you would only be gone for a few hours. Being a person who liked schedules and knowing exactly what was going on, this didn’t make you too happy. It sounded a lot like a date, which only made you more stressed. 

“Do you think this will be okay?” you asked Alana. You were wearing jean shorts and a semi-cute top. Not too fancy but not too casual. 

“Is this a date or friend meetup?” 

“Friend meetup.” 

“You look great.” She could sense the hesitation as you looked in the mirror, deciding if you agreed with her or not. “You’re gonna be fine. From what I’ve heard, you were best friends for a long time. You’ll be back to that in no time.”  

“I don’t know. It’s been so long and-” You were interrupted by a text from Shawn telling you he was there if you were ready. 

“Go have fun. Take a deep breath and stop worrying about it, alright?” 

“Okay.” You gave her a smile before putting your phone in your back pocket and leaving. You could see Shawn leaning against his car and looking at his phone once you left the building.  

Shawn had been quite excited to hang out with you again. There wasn’t any part of him that was nervous until he went to get drinks for the two of you that morning. It had been slowly building up all day, but it felt more like his soulmate’s than his own. 

“Hey, you,” he said with a smile. “Ready to go?” 

“You bet,” you smiled back at him, walking to the other side of the car to get in. 

“I got you a frappuccino.” He gestured to the cup holder. “I don’t know if what you like has changed but it’s what you used to get so I hope it’s okay.”  

“My taste hasn’t changed a bit,” you chuckled. “Thank you. That’s really sweet of you.” 

“Of course. What better way to rekindle our friendship than by reliving the old times?” 

“True, true.” You discretely wiped your palms on your shorts, unsure if it was from nerves or the heat. “Want to tell me where you’re going?” 

“Nope. It’s a surprise.” His eyes had a mischievous glint to them. He knew how much it was bothering you.  

“This feels like a first date,” you mumbled, avoiding eye contact. You knew that Shawn was like this by default, but you couldn’t help but feel a little extra awkward anyways. 

“Not my intention,” he chuckled. “I just wanted to be nice.” 

“I know, I’m just awkward.” 

Shawn laughed and shook his head.  

You didn’t drive for much longer, arriving at a small park no more than fifteen minutes after you started. 

“I figured we could walk and catch up, if you’re good with that.” 

“That’s good. Why didn’t you just tell me we were going to the park though?”        

“Wanted you to get worked up about it.” 

You gasped. “That’s mean.”  

“Gotta balance the niceness out somehow.”  

You spent two hours walking around and catching up. You felt yourself ease up as you talked. He was still your Shawn and he barely changed from the last time you talked. The evening ended with a hug and promise to hang out again soon. 

“See,” Alana told you when you told her how well it went. “Sometimes you need to just give yourself the push.” 

The more and more time you spent together, the more and more Shawn became sure that you were the mystery soulmate whose emotions he had been feeling. 

He would feel a twinge of extra excitement before you hung out or right before you texted him I got an A on that essay!!!!!

He was never completely sure though and never told you about it. He wanted to test the theory but wasn’t sure how he could do it without you knowing. 

Meanwhile, your search for your soulmate slowed. You came to terms that they would come when the time was right and that you needed to enjoy life as it was. Your best friend was on a break from his hectic life for the first time in a long time and you wanted to spend all the time you could with him. You felt a little less anxious when you were around him, which could also be attributed to the lack of school work due to summer break, but you liked to believe he was helping. 

The great thing about Shawn was that he knew not to push too hard. Alana didn’t always know when to stop pushing you towards doing things out of your comfort zone. You’ll admit, it was sometimes good for you. Other times, it caused way more anxiety than necessary  and you would be out of it for the rest of the day. Shawn, on the other hand, could tell when something really could be too much and would stop. 

There was only one time when he knew he was pushing too hard but continued anyways. 

“You wanna be my date to the Grammys?” You had discussed his nomination earlier that day, but he never mentioned bringing someone with him before. 

“Date?” You had a playful smirk on your face and Shawn just rolled his eyes and nudged your shoulder. 

“Do you wanna be my extra person who’s my best friend, not date, cause I don’t have a date, date? 

“As amazing as that sounds, I don’t think so. Way too many people.” You hoped he would just drop the subject. 

“Come on, it would be fun. Besides, how often do you get an invitation to the Grammys?

“Never . . . because I don’t want to go.” 

“Please, Y/N. I don’t have anyone else to take and we would have such a good time.” 

“Take Aaliyah.” 

“She probably has stuff going on.” 

You have tons of other friends. Take one of them.” 

“Yeah but you’re my best friend and I want to take you.”

“Shawn I really don’t think I should. There’s gonna be a ton of people there and I don’t have the money to buy a fancy dress-”

“I’ll buy you a dress and stay with you the entire night.”

“I can’t ask you to do that. Besides-” 

“Please, Y/N. I will beg you every day until you say yes. Just this one time, then I promise I will never ever make you go to a party or awards show of any kind.” 

“Fine,” you sighed. You knew that it was a bad idea but you also knew that Shawn would hold true to the begging. 

“Thank youuu.” He reached over and pulled you into a hug 

“You owe me.” 

~ 

The week before the Grammys was more anxiety inducing than anything in your entire life.  

You got your dress a month ago but was starting to have second thoughts on it. Was it fancy enough? You had scrolled through endless pictures of past Grammy looks and everything looked so much more elaborate than your midnight blue dress. Tiffany had picked out the dress for you, noting how you wanted something elegant but nothing that would make you stick out. 

You had to admit, you loved the dress. It fit you perfectly. You were yet to show Shawn but you knew he would love it. There was just one part of you that thought that everyone would think it was too simple and know that you had no business being there. 

Shawn was doing his best to help you through the anxiety. 

“Think of the best possible situation,” he told you. 

“Nobody notices me and I stay completely under the radar or they note that I’m your friend who’s been seen with you before and leave me alone.”

“Now tell me the worst possible situation.” 

“I do something embarrassing and stick out so that everyone notices and realizes that I’m obviously not supposed to be there.” 

“See how the worst case scenario is so much more unlikely to happen?” 

“Shawn, I know it’s irrational but I can’t help it. No matter what, I’m going to have a worst case scenario.” 

“I know you are. Y/N, I do too. But think for a second,” he said. “Everyone else is too caught up in their own affairs to give a flying shit about what you’re doing. Unless you walk the red carpet with me, they probably won’t even notice you.” 

You knew Shawn was right. You knew the worst case scenario was irrational, you just couldn’t help but dwell on it; you were so scared of embarrassing yourself. You were once again planning excuses for not being able to go. I’m really sick and throwing up everywhere or There’s a family emergency. I can’t go. 

But even as you worried more and more, you knew how much you needed to do it for Shawn. He had done so much for you. You could do this one thing. 

~

“You ready?” Shawn asked with a huge grin. He had been getting more and more excited by the day. The happiness blocked the intensely anxious feelings of his soulmate to the slightest. At this point, he was almost positive you were his soulmate. Of course, anyone could be this anxious for a long period of time and it just coincidental to yours. He wanted more time to think about it though and if it was true, to tell you at a time when you were in a better mental state. 

“Not really, but I don’t think I have a choice,” you said through the door. You had to admit, you felt absolutely beautiful. Your thoughts of sticking out because of your dress were fading with every look in the mirror.  

“I’m sure you look absolutely fantastic.” 

“That’s not the problem but thank you.” You both giggled at that and you wished you could get over yourself and go out there. 

“You know I’ll be with you the whole night, right?” His tone changed to a more serious one, and it was comforting to know he cared so much. 

“I know, but still.” 

“Can I see you now? This is easier when I can see your face.” 

“Yeah,” you chuckled, opening the door slightly before taking a deep breath and stepping out. You grasped your hands behind your back and smiled shyly as Shawn stared at you in awe. 

“Wow,” he whispered. “You look absolutely stunning.” 

Heat rushed to your cheeks and you looked down to your feet. 

“Come here.” He pulled you into a hug, his head resting on your head as yours was on his chest. “You’re going to be amazing tonight, okay? So stop worrying so much and enjoy it as it comes.” 

“I’m trying.” 

“I know you are, I just wanted to remind you.” He squeezed you tighter for a second and drew back, smiling widely before completely letting go. 

You both said nothing as you got into the car to go to the show, allowing yourselves to try to relax before the long night ahead of you. 

“Good luck,” you grinned as he prepared to get out of the car for the red carpet. 

“Thanks, see you soon.” He took your hand and squeezed it, causing the butterflies in your stomach to explode. He stepped out of the car and winked at you, laughing at the finger guns you sent him before he closed the door. 

You both agreed that it was best for you not to walk the red carpet. You didn’t want to be bombarded with questions asking if you were in a relationship and Shawn didn’t want to have to deal with the drama it would cause afterwards. You decided to meet inside, which led to you awkwardly standing around and waiting for him to come in. 

After what felt like a lifetime and a half of avoiding eye contact and trying to look like you belonged, Shawn appeared at your side. 

“How’d it go?” 

“Good. Took some really hot pictures I think people will enjoy.”

“How is that possible? You can’t take hot pictures.” 

“As if I haven’t caught you ogling over pictures of me before.” 

“As if,” you scoffed and Shawn let out a loud laugh, which made you laugh as well. 

“Alright, sassy pants, let’s find our seats.” 

The show went well and you eventually realized that you got worked up more than you needed to. You didn’t have to interact with many people and you were able to sit in a seat and enjoy the show more than you thought you could. 

What you should have been worried about though, was the afterparty. 

Shawn said you didn’t have to go but you could see how much he wanted to. You also knew that if you told him you were going to go home but he should go to the party, he would opt to go with you. So, against your better judgement of what you were up for that night, you decided to go under the condition that Shawn would stay with you the whole time. 

It was a little too loud and crowded for your liking but you did your best to hide the discomfort. The faster you got out, the better, but you were going to try to enjoy the party the best you could. 

Unbeknownst to you, Shawn could definitely sense your discomfort. Something inside himself was telling him he should take you home, but everytime he suggested you leave, you insisted that you wanted him to have fun and that you would stay until he wanted to go. You knew he came with intentions of talking to other people and refused to leave until he did so. 

“But I’ll have fun with you.” 

“Shawn Mendes, if you do not socialize tonight, you will spend the rest of your life regretting it so I suggest you start mingling.” 

“I feel like that’s an overstatement, but fine.” He started walking away but turned around when he noticed you weren’t following. “Come on, wallflower, I’m not allowed to leave you by yourself.” 

You rolled your eyes but pushed yourself off the wall and made your way towards him anyways. 

He made his way around, talking to friends and a few people he didn’t know, making sure you were close at all times. You were quiet the whole time, only speaking when asked a question. Like with Alana, people tended to be more interested in the person you were with than you yourself. 

Shawn caught you picking at the inside of your elbow a few times. Part of him wanted to scold you for doing it, but he knew it was a subconscious habit and that you couldn’t do much about it unless he pointed it out. He would wrap his arm around you, gently placing his hand over the spot so you couldn’t pick at it. You would sigh once you realized you were doing it again and Shawn would squeeze your upper arm lightly, as if to say, it’s alright.

He eventually gave you a water bottle to keep your hands busy and you accepted it graciously, secretly in awe of how he knew you so well. He was about ready to go after that, drained from the long night, when someone called his name. He made his way towards them and you tried to follow but got blocked off by someone walking in between you. In a split second he was gone, and your anxiety only grew as you struggled to find him. 

You found yourself standing next to a table, texting Shawn to tell him where to find you once he was ready to go. You hoped it wouldn’t take too long, but the voice who called him sounded like Niall’s, and you knew they would want to talk for a while. 

Shawn was too busy talking to Niall to notice the growing anxiety coming from his soulmate. He didn’t even notice that you weren’t next to him. 

You tried your best to blend in, something you thought you were doing a good job of, when someone who looked very vaguely familiar tried to talk to you.  

“That dress looks quite lovely on you,” he said. 

“Thanks,” you said rather quietly. There was an awkward pause for a second and you wondered if he was waiting for you to say something else. 

“Enjoying the party?” He stepped slightly forward to let someone pass behind him. 

You stepped back to keep the space, forgetting about the table and knocking into it full force. A loud clanging noise could be heard as a few platters flew off and your eyes grew wide at the realization of what you just did. 

The man in front of you laughed but his attention was quickly called elsewhere.The people around you looked behind themselves to see what was going on. The looks of confusion and giggles probably lasted no more than a few seconds, but it was enough to send you into a full panic. 

The lights were suddenly too bright and all the noises around you jumbled into a muffle. You pressed your back against a wall as you tried to gain your composure, panicking more when you couldn’t. The music was too loud for anyone to hear your rapid breathing but you wanted nothing more than for someone to come help you; for Shawn to come help you.

“Yeah we definitely need to meet up sometime soon,” Niall said to Shawn. 

“Totally. I’m-”  He was cut off by a paralyzing burst of panic. He didn’t even have to think to know it was you. The urge to protect you came over him and he quickly excused himself from Niall to find you. 

It didn’t take long to see you standing against the wall and curling in on yourself. He felt like he couldn’t get there fast enough. There was nothing he wanted more than to take the worry away from you but it felt like there were a million people in between you. 

“Breath, Y/N, breath,” he said once he finally made it to you. Your eyes locked with his and he could see the absolute panic in them. “I’m going to take your arm so we can go outside, okay?” 

You nodded frantically, allowing Shawn to guide you to outside. The cool air was a relief but did little to calm you down. Shawn gently leaned you against a wall and put one of your hands on his chest. 

“Breath with me, sweetheart,” he said, exaggerating his breathing to help you. “You’re okay. Just focus on breathing.” 

“I’m sorry,” you muttered once you calmed down and your breathing returned to a normal rate. 

“Y/N, no. You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

“But I messed up your night and-” 

“It’s not your fault. I know exactly how you feel and I promise you, it’s not your fault.” He could see from the look in your eyes that you didn’t believe him and it broke his heart. “Come here,” he said as he wrapped his arms tightly around you, one around your waist, one pressing your head to his chest. 

“I know you think it’s your fault, but you did absolutely nothing wrong,” he said lowly, leaning his head down close to your ear so you could hear him. “If anything, it’s my fault for not realizing you weren’t with me.” He felt you tense up and rubbed his hand up and down your back. “You are amazing and wonderful and so strong, Y/N. We all have our low points. Nobody is blaming you for anything.” 

You didn’t say anything and Shawn took that as a sign to stop talking. He held you in his embrace for a few minutes longer, relaxing a little when he felt your arms wrap around him. 

“Let’s get you home.” 

“You should stay.” 

“Y/N.” 

You dropped it and let him call an Uber, hugging him again once he finished. “Thank you.” 

“Anytime.” He pressed a kiss to the top of your head, and you felt yourself once again wishing he was your soulmate. 

~ 

After a long talk with Shawn the next morning, you decided to go to the doctor to get an official diagnosis. The social anxiety diagnosis also came with the recommendation of therapy. It was time to take control of your anxiety and your life.

Shawn was there for it all. Helping you through the bad days and celebrating the good ones. You were celebrating a good one today and Shawn could feel your happiness before you even walked through the door. 

“You won’t believe what I did!” You exclaimed once you were seated on the couch. “I needed this tomato sauce but I couldn’t find it anywhere in the store but I knew they had it somewhere. So instead of not getting it, I actually asked one of the people working there where it was.” 

“Good job!” The smile on his face was huge as he gave you a high-five. “Was it really that scary?” 

“Yes, but I did it, which is more important than if it’s scary.”  

He was so proud of you. It had taken a few months, but therapy was doing wonders for you. It might have been small progress, but even small progress was big progress. 

He had held off on telling you about the soulmate situation, wanting you to be in a better space before he dropped the bombshell. Now felt like a good time to do it. 

“Not to take away from you, but I have some good news myself.” 

“Tell me!” The eager look on your face made him even more nervous for some reason, but he knew he needed to do it. 

“A few months ago, I started feeling these feelings.” 

“Oh wow.” 

“Shut up,” he giggled. “They were emotions that weren’t mine. Like, they felt like someone else’s.”  

You nodded your head, having an idea of what was coming: he finally found his soulmate and it wasn’t you. 

“And at first I couldn’t figure out who they belonged to but then I met you again.” He looked up at you but your face was blank. “And then I was starting to feel feelings you were experiencing. Like you would text me about being happy and that background feeling of extra happiness would be there but I wasn’t sure if it was really you.” 

“Are you trying to test it out now?” He could see you trying to put the pieces together. 

“No, I kinda already did in a way?” You looked even more confused so he kept going. “When we went to the Grammys I could feel how anxious you were. And then we went to the party and I could feel it but it wasn’t anything that was too overwhelming. Then, I went to talk to Niall, which is when you had that panic attack, right?” 

You nodded. 

“And I was fine but then there was this really really intense second of pure panic and I just knew. Some kind of protective instinct went off in me and I just had to get to you.” 

There was a pause as he let you process what was happening. 

“Y/N, I think you’re my soulmate.” 

There was a deafening silence but Shawn was too scared to look at your face to see your reaction. 

“You really think?” 

“I know it sounds crazy but-” 

“Could we really be soulmates?” 

“. . . yes?” He finally looked at you to see a smile creeping its way along your face. 

“Holy fucking cow.” You both burst into laughter, leaning into each other as you did. 

“I’m glad it’s you,” Shawn said once your laughs turned into tiny giggles. He looked at you with a glimmer in his eyes. 

“I’m glad it’s you too.” 

[thevirgodoll]

I need advice for confronting my friend about skipping meals, it gets pretty awkward and she brushes everything off. The anon reminded me to ask you for help about this.

This is a very, VERY touchy subject and I know you know this. I’m happy you approached me with this because this is directly up my alley in subject matter.

PSA: With things like self harm behaviors, understand that it’s difficult to get a loved one to admit it’s happening because of the brain’s response towards confronting it: shame, guilt, and burdensome feelings. And if she has been doing this awhile, by now her brain has been conditioned to use this as a positive coping mechanism because it relieves her of whatever is going on in her life...

So try not to be too hard on her. I know a lot of people get easily frustrated and place blame but perspective and empathy is extremely necessary if you’re going to be here for the long haul because this is not something that she can just stop doing. In the past, people were very ignorant about any self harm behavior so I really had to get that off of my chest so you could approach it correctly.

Things to know and consider:

Think of her history. Has there been any life changes? Has she ever had mental health problems? What has happened before the eating habits?

•Something deeper is usually going on when an eating disorder actually occurs. It is not about food entirely, it’s about emotional eating and lack thereof depending on which ED it is. Now sometimes it’s not always due to the person’s own doing (some medications can create issues), but most of the time it’s due to an underlying problem that has been going on for a long time.

•She may withdraw from social interactions as a result of this disorder. This is a symptom of her illness.

•Often times, eating disorders are coupled with depression and anxiety. So keep in mind, her mind is a hard place to be right now if this is the case.

•EDs can create a need for control. If she feels out of control in an area of her life, in some way, it helps her feel in control of something.

Symptoms to check off (not all have to be marked; this is for everyone’s reference to keep and have):

•Fear of weight gain to the point of obsession

-> conversations pertain to cleaner eating or wanting to look better, expresses disdain

-> obsessed with fitness or diet apps to the point of concern

•Excessive exercising

-> upset if they cannot exercise

-> increases exercise, but avoids increasing calories or is on a fad diet/extreme regiment in an unhealthy manner

•Irrational perception of body weight or image

-> checking body fat, tugging on skin

•Weight gain

-> compulsive eating, large quantities of food

•Lying about eating habits or downplaying them

•Food often on mind or always an issue

•Skipping meals often or rationalize skipping meals

•Cutting food into pieces to make it less obvious that it’s not as much food

-> habitually does this or only eats certain portions, weird rituals around foods, maybe a lot of condiments

•Avoiding eating with other people

-> goes to the bathroom often during meals

-> gets upset during meals if certain meals aren’t available, refuses to even eat

•Hiding food

•Fatigue, lack of concentration, irritation

•Uncharacteristic social withdrawal and isolation

-> A note about mood: Extremely depressed or seems extremely energetic depending on mental state. Mental health concerns are definitely there.

-> Caffeine may be involved if they are overly hyperactive to lose more weight

So, keep in mind that it’s not just one type of eating disorder which is why I included many different signs off the top of my head. Sometimes, people are unaware that their behaviors are unhealthy until it’s too late. Some people won’t accept they have an eating disorder, especially black women.

Something to know: Black women, regardless of specific nationality or ethnic background, tend to have a certain culture around food, so eating disorders with Black women are often overlooked. Black women adopt cultural values that are linked with binge eating disorders, and are at high risk for emotional eating. Many will not ask for help. The stereotype continues to be that it is just the Black woman being “fat” or “needs meat on her bones”.

Why? It is due to the societal and cultural expectation. Most women in media are depicted as white, skinny women or plus size white women for opposite ends of the body image / ED spectrum.

However, the culture around Black female bodies is something to be acknowledged... the rates of “thick” vs. “skinny” body image problems regarding Black women. Anorexia is the rarest disorder amongst Black women, and Binge eating is the most prevalent.

What To Do Now?

When someone downplays an eating disorder despite you pointing out the symptoms, it’s not personal. It is a symptom of their illness. Persistence and empathy is key. Take a different approach than aggression in order to get them to open up.

Do not say how they look when starting your sentences...they have a perception already of how they look and it won’t work. Do not say what they “should” do for your benefit of seeing them well, this will come off aggressive. They will tune you out, and feel like a burden. If anything, you want to put your empathy above all. Do not frame their behavior as something malicious that they are doing to you. These approaches are often used and alienate the person, which makes the process longer. No ultimatums also. People always say “if you do this again I will stop being your friend.” It ruins it and drives people to more self harm behaviors often or worse, suicide / hospitalization due to feeling alone (more than they already do). Do not do this!

Have patience, move forward with love, and involve empathy not pity or demeaning language. Avoid “should”, “need”, and “you don’t”. Just speak from a place of concern, because that’s your primary feeling. No lecturing, no criticizing. Pick a private place, where they will be calm. NO OFFERING SOLUTIONS! It’s about offering SUPPORT! Do not tell them what they have to do! Just use “I” statements only! If there is resistance, again, be patient because this is hard for THEM! I say this with a lot of conviction because it is extremely serious!

Example: “Hey ____, I’m really worried about you. Perhaps I am wrong in my observations, but this is what I see(*this allows them to not feel defensive*). I feel like you are struggling with something(gives them the chance to open up). I want to help you and I am here for you.”

Example: “Hey ____, I really wanted to speak to you. I feel like something is going on. It’s hard for me to see you unhappy (observation of how they have been acting, no weight comments). It’s really scary to watch you skip meals sometimes(shows that you are concerned and have noticed). I want to help you. I want you to know I’m here for whatever you want to do. I’m listening to you.” *The ending gives them an opportunity to feel supported because they are. If they show response to wanting to take the next step / or open up to you about the eating disorder then say this: “I’ll even go to the doctor with you. I will be in the appointment.” And please go with them!

Good luck and keep me updated! We should all stick together on mental health (especially us black women.) Always send me questions like this!!! ❣️

xo, thevirgodoll ❤️

*If anyone is curious as to why I’m so knowledgeable, I’m a psychology major girl, I had research ready before I answered because I already did research on this topic a long time ago in an essay for black women and EDs. I got my clinical reference from earlier lol -> clinical reference to black women and eating disorders link study

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

Telegrapg -

Why seven years of therapy could be making Prince Harry’s trauma worse

Like Prince Harry, Helen Kirwan-Taylor used talking therapy to cope when her sister was murdered. But it only served to worsen her PTSD

ByHelen Kirwan-Taylor1 March 2020 • 6:00pm

Premium

When Prince Harry spoke about being in therapy to overcome the trauma of losing his mother at a JP Morgan event in Miami it didn’t strike me as particularly newsworthy given the couple’s interest in mental health. What did was the fact Prince Harry said he’d been seeing a therapist for the past seven years.

As a survivor of trauma myself this set off alarm bells in my head. A lot of questions have recently been raised about the efficacy of talk therapy, particularly the open-ended kind, and particularly for trauma. “Trauma is something you absolutely don’t want to remember,” says Besel Van Der Kolk one of the world’s most respected trauma experts and author of The Body Keeps the Score.

“Neuroscience research shows that very few psychological problems are the result of defects in understanding. Therefore, improving one’s understanding doesn’t help. Most psychological problems originate in deeper regions of the brain that drive our perception and action.”

The entire country’s heart went out to the twelve-year-old Harry who had to appear in public so soon after his mother’s tragic accident. The fact that Prince Diana’s death was exacerbated by other factors including being chased by paparazzi in a car driven by someone intoxicated -would make the grief even harder to process.

I was also twelve when Tasha, my 14-year sister, was murdered on the grounds of her school in Mclean, Virginia. I too was forced to attend- in my case an open casket funeral-and to kiss her cold face which was covered in sticky make-up. The fact that my father was then working for Henry Kissinger at the White House and that the murder took place at a well-known private school made us household names. Therapy wasn’t a thing then and we got through it the way people have for millennia; by moving on with our lives, and also moving cities.

It wasn’t until I saw a psychotherapist many years later who suggested I talk about what happened that I started to exhibit symptoms of full-blown PTSD. Like Harry, my story wasn’t simple. It took a series of things to go stratospherically wrong for my sister to be killed. Unpicking each layer in therapy made me angrier and consequently more traumatised. I imagined myself in her shoes. Tasha was sexually attacked by a man who stood 6 feet 7, tied her to a tree and left her to die in the freezing rain. My father was the one to find her (after several failed attempts by the police). Whatever healing had occurred to date was immediately undone by all the horror I envisaged. I now felt terrified from morning until night.

Like Harry, I had also waited 20 years before seeking help. My issue was a deep sense of foreboding that accompanied any happy moment. On the first day of my honeymoon in Africa, for example, I tried to open the door of the cockpit to jump out. It wasn’t rational to assume the plane would crash because I had found the love of my life but that’s what was happening. Happiness is complicated for trauma victims; strong memories become “fused” together and what should feel good suddenly feels terrifying.

I wanted to tackle the symptoms: my therapist wanted the backstory. I needed lessons in self-soothing; he wanted fact-finding. This therapist was like the plumber who tells you what’s wrong with your sink then mentions he doesn’t have any tools (but still bills you).

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder comes with a range of excruciating symptoms from hyperarousal, anger, irrational fears, difficulty concentrating to numbness, flashbacks, suicidal thoughts and intense physical responses of reminders of the event. For this reason, “treatment is meant to be short and sharp” says trauma specialist Joshua Dickson, clinical director of Resurface UK. “Often going into too much detail will trigger a client out of their the window of tolerance and can become overwhelming, with the client often distressed or ‘re-traumatised’.

We now know that trauma lodges itself deep in our cells and in our intestinal walls. According to Van der Kolk, trauma patients often have abnormal activation of the insula, a small region within the cerebral cortex. The insula transmits fight-or-flight signals to the amygdala when necessary. In people with trauma, these signals are firing all the time without any conscious influence.

A college friend who survived a terrible car accident where another friend died which left her with hideous injuries told me that she might have been better off had the hospital not sent in a psychiatrist. Over the years she visited many therapists but it wasn’t until she started practicing meditation and yoga that she began to recover. “Gratitude really does help” she says. “What I felt when I saw Prince Harry and Meghan in that documentary was just how little of it they have” she says. “Here they were travelling across Africa where people have miserable lives and what they showed was a brazen display of ingratitude”.

We know now that trauma resides in the limbic part of the brain that only has four responses: fight, flight, freeze and dissociation/submission. Modern treatments like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocess) which involves a therapist directing a patient’s eyes as he talks help to reset the software. It’s in this dual attention state that positive messages (I am safe. I am loved) can seep in. EMDR is now the treatment of choice for Organizations such as the World Health Organization (WHO) and the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Many patients report benefits from just one session.

My issue with talking therapy is that it’s a form of storytelling where many conclusions are possible. A good therapist can change someone’s life: a bad one can ruin it. There are no Trip Advisor reviews you can scroll through before committing hundreds if not thousands of pounds to let’s face it, a business relationship. The more naïve the patient the more extreme the psychological hold can be.

A therapist persuaded a friend to leave her husband after she discovered he was having an affair. Her instinct was to protect the family and heal the wounds; the therapist disagreed. She later discovered her therapist was married to a serial philanderer who seduced his clients. She quit therapy and saved her marriage.

One has to wonder what sort of advice Prince Harry’s long-term therapist is providing. After all, he’s fallen out with his friends, brother, waged war against the media and quit his job and country. He’s lost his title and fallen out with his Grandmother. In my mind, a good therapist is one who teaches you to get along with the world, not to blow it up. The fact he’s still there after 7 years also says something. “I see a good therapist as someone who helps a client to become as autonomous as possible,” says Dickson.

Of course therapy can be an effective treatment, especially when we get stuck in ‘faulty’ thinking about ourselves and others. Many people have difficulty accessing emotions or are afraid to admit them. Therapy can be a safe place to let go, and form a sustaining relationship, which is a large part of healing.

------

They finally allowed reader comments on this telegraph article  - all negative. Harry may want to start reading these too 

[helpingmehelpmyself]

Covid Vaccine- March 29, 2021

**This is a post for my own mental wellbeing, not medical advice. This is not to tell you whether or not to get the vaccine for that is your own decision.

Okay so no one has enjoyed this pandemic and I’m sure it’s contributed to some of my mental health issues. I’m ready for this pandemic to be over so we can all continue living or trying to live the lives we want.

I’ve been back and forth with this vaccine. It makes sense with modern medicine and technology that a vaccine can be developed in a year. I looked up how long it took to develop the flu and measles vaccines and it was around the same amount of time with less tech advancement. They’ve given it to front line workers. They are also making as much information available about this vaccine as possible. 

My boyfriend, his mom, my dad, my cousin, her aunt, and one of my friends has the vaccine. My mom and her boyfriend don’t want it and their opinions matter a lot to me. We don’t know the long-term effects of the vaccine since no one has had it longer than 8 months right now. 

Originally, my excuse for not getting the vaccine was because I am not eligible so I don’t need to worry about it. Then, they made it available to food workers in which I work for Doordash sometimes so I qualify. Also, they don’t really require proof. On Saturday I made an appointment for Monday morning, but allowed myself to skip the appointment if I felt it was the right thing to do. 

I was going back and forth for so long, I didn’t know what I would do. I was/am so scared. I’m not comfortable with my life to leave it yet. There’s so much to do in such little time. Plus, I am aware their were tests done on minorities without them being told (ex. Tuskegee Experiment). My mortality comes across my mind more than I would like it to, but I know I want to live the longest life possible and that sometimes things will be out of my control.

My deciding factor was when one of my closest friends had a headache and couldn’t support me on Saturday. I appreciate that my friends are aware enough of their own and their household’s health during times like this so they make sure not to come around us. One of our friends contracted COVID from her own household, but was aware enough of her own family members to stay away from us until they had answers. Well, my closest friend lost his ability to taste food the next day and it’s kind of easy to assume he could have COVID. We spent time together on Friday in which he was in my car and we didn’t wear masks. We also went on walk together that Saturday but because of his headache, we still wore masks, stayed outside and didn’t touch each other. 

I felt fine, but decided to get tested for my own well-being. I am more afraid of bringing COVID into my home and my mom finding out than me actually having COVID. I still have a healthy fear of my mother. I rescheduled my vaccine appointment for later in the morning and went to urgent care for an emergency test. Thankfully, it was negative. 

I took it as a sign that this fear of having this virus or giving this virus to the people in my life was enough for me to be vaccinated. I need people, especially my people, and I don’t want there to be consequences for that. 

This isn’t to say I wasn’t scared out of my wits end. My mom’s boyfriend (who’s like my older brother) told me his reasoning for not getting it and that he, my mom, and their friends don’t plan on getting it until they have to. He also said it was my choice and what felt right for me was the decision I had to make. I couldn’t talk to my mom about it because she didn’t want to talk about the vaccine with me.

I called my boyfriend 30 minutes before my appointment because I was so scared. He’s so for the vaccine so despite his busy schedule, he agreed to come with me to my appointment. He held my hand and sat with me for the waiting period and took me to get food. He asked me what would make me feel better and I told him spending the day with him. We don’t need to entertain each other, just be in the same room. We hadn’t seen each other for like a week and hadn’t been intimate longer which got easier to ignore when we were a part but impossible when we were together.

We are still spending the day together (he’s in the shower at this moment to take a break from his schoolwork). Sometimes my anxiety creeps up on me again. I can’t believe I had this vaccine put in my body. Do I believe in modern medicine enough that if there are long term side effects that front-line workers would get it first and they would work hard and fast to find a cure? Yes. Do I have enough faith in God to believe he will take care of me? Yes. Am I afraid of getting sick or getting others sick? Yes. Do I believe this vaccine could be safe and no long-term side effects? Yes. Do I think everyone who isn’t allergic to it will have to get it someday? Yes.

Anxiety is like... having an adult and child in your mind. They can either take turns talking or talk at the same time. The adult is calm, inquisitive, soft spoken, and rational. The child is loud, irrational, and scared to cross the street. You’re aware of the rational adult but the irrational child just happens to be louder so you focus on it a little bit more.

I’ve already had my first shot so it’s too late to turn back now. My arm is a little sore but nothing other than that. I look forward to being able to protect the people I care about. It’s just making adult decisions for yourself is hard, especially when other people can’t tell you what to do. There is no right or wrong, black or white. Everything is just gray and you have to make a decision and stand by it.

Writing this in a blog post helps. It’s quieted my mind and focused me better than anything else has since my anxiety blew up. I am so used to bottling things inside me, intentionally and unintentionally, that I explode. I just have a shorter fuse than I used to. But having a coping mechanism can help and right now, this is mine.

[valsedelesruines]

An example of why we cannot rely on personal anecdote to develop conclusions using Bayesian statistics (*disclaimer* I’m shit at maths, also skip to the bottom half if you only care about maths and not the backstory behind my rationale for doing maths) and my own stupid brain:

First, a little known fact on me that I am just coming to terms in accepting is that I have been avoiding nuts, seafood, and meat for roughly the last four years and it has gotten to the point of being highly irrational. I keep telling myself it hasn’t really impacted how I live my life, but that is somewhat rationalizing what is inherently a very stupid thing. I continuously check nutrition labels to make sure there are no nuts, I tell people I don’t know that I have allergies related to these ingredients, and this morning I threw away a perfectly good pan because my mother cooked fish in it about a month ago and it smelled of fish when I tried to cook something on it and I was worried I would get sick. As far as I know, I am not allergic to any of these things. But for some reason I have developed some stupid, irrational fear that these foodstuffs will lead to anaphylactic shock. It is so dumb and I’m sick of it and have been trying to figure out where this came from, as even though I have always had a strange relationship with food, I was always down to eating all kinds of foods and not giving a shit. So, I figured the only variable that shifted was my knowledge and exposure to personal anecdotes. 

For example, before I went to university, I only knew one person who had experienced anaphylactic shock and she was allergic to bees. I also was not a vegetarian at the time and ate pretty much whatever I wanted to and was fine. When I got to university, I not only met three people with severe allergies, including a person who was allergic to milk, nuts, beans, and eggs, but I kept hearing stories on the news of cases of anaphylactic shock. So, this obviously changed my preconceived ideas of how big of a threat it was. 

Let’s assess the probability of an adult in their 20s developing/ having anaphylactic shock based on my experiences and actual statistics. The percentage of individuals in the UK with food allergies is roughly 2% (including non life-threatening) and the percentage of adults aged 20-29 in the UK is roughly 9%. Now, let’s say that based on the individuals I have met who have had serious reactions to their food allergies and stories I’ve heard on the news I believe that the percentage of serious food allergies in adults in their 20s is at about two in ten people, or 20%. So calculating that out, I believe that my odds of being in your 20s and developing a serious food allergy is about a 4% chance. In my mind that now is the statistic I believe to be true based on the experiences I have had. That’s not a very large, but it starts to feel like a bigger threat than I had previously believed. 

Now let’s change the percentage of serious food allergies in adults in their 20s to be a more likely statistic. According to AllergyUK, the prevalence of having a peanut allergy is 1.76%. Making the assumption that that statistic is evenly distributed among age demographics (big assumption I know but this is for fun), we can roughly assume that the percentage of a serious food allergy in an individual in their 20s is at around .15%. So if we account for the change in probability, the likelihood of me having a food allergy in my 20s, actually is more equated to .04%. Instead of 4 in 100 people, the risk is now 4 in 10,000 people which is far more reassuring (assuming all math is correct lmao). 

Obviously this work was rushed, so the true stats might be off, but regardless I think we forget how often we base our own probabilities of scenarios in our heads based on our exposure to different events and anecdotes. And once we get stuck in that idea, it is hard to break out of it even when presented with the facts. As I say a lot, everyday we make a risk assessment, but in this case it is often based on our bias. But unfortunately, just knowing that the stats show a much lower probability is not going to help me get over this irrationality in food aversion. Which comes to my second idea which is in order to get over biases based on personal anecdote, I think you need to counteract those aversions and fears with exposure to the alternative. This obviously applies only to irrational fears of course, but sometimes it can be hard to identify a fear as irrational when you are genuinely in belief that it could harm you. That is why part one is a good first step. The only way for me to get over this is going to be by eating a lot of nuts and hoping for the best. I think maybe if people sat down and did their own calculations with things they are afraid of, it could be a good starting point. Just keep in mind the limitations of reported statistics, especially when they are used in trying to prove a point or support a finding. But also, I do think exposure is good. Because rationalizing it in your brain is just one part, but you also need to develop muscle memory so as not to fall into justifying why you don’t want to do the thing that makes you anxious or fearful. Can’t hurt anyways, I mean it might be extremely frustrating at the start, but so are most things in life. The stats say you’ll most likely be fine. 

Anyways I was just having fun playing around with maths and my mental health lmao. Hope y’all enjoyed!! Go eat deez nuts. ;)

[lovemesomesurveys]

x1 How often are you optimistic? I’m such a pessimist. 

x2 Would you say your thoughts are generally rational and logical or irrational and illogical? I think I’m logical a lot of the time. I worry and overanalyze everything and know I come off negative and pessimistic, and I am, but also I think there’s a lot of times where I’m just being real and logical and that can be hard to hear for some people. I can also admit there are things I’m irrational and illogical about as well and jump to worse case scenarios without really thinking about things first or listening to the advice of others. I’m very stubborn.

x3 Tell an interesting fact about your favorite country? Sweden is home to Alexander Skarsgard, aka my love. That’s very interesting, I know.

x4 Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? No.

x5 Are you the type to pay attention to detail? Yes.

x6 To you, what is especially distracting? I feel like I get distracted more easily these days. Like, I get sensory overload.

x7 What are some things that are important in your life right now? My faith, my family, my health.

x8 When was the last time you did some major cleaning? I haven’t in awhile. I haven’t been able to.

x9 Have you ever thrown anything away, and regretted it later? Yes. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff as it is.

x1o Are you the type to regret things, or live and learn? I have many regrets. :/

x11 How often do you feel like you need time to yourself? A lot. It’s better for those around me, too, cause I’m extra moody and irritable nowadays.

x12 Do you like being around other people? Why is this? I like spending time with my family.

x13 Do you feel like anyone "gets" you? Who? In some ways, but not completely. I don’t even get me.

x14 What would you be most likely to do with a friend, today? I don’t have friends.

x15 When are you most likely to be crabby? I’m crabby a lot of the time. :/

x16 How about upbeat and cheerful? It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that. No one would describe me as such right now that’s for sure.

x17 Who challenges you the most? In what way? Life sure does.

x18 Who seems to hold you back? In what way? Myself.

x19 What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? Hmm. I don’t recall.

x2o Would you rather have a quiet day at home, or be on the go? I’m a hermit crab and don’t have the energy to be on the go. I’m also pretty much bedridden for the time being.

x21 Do you think you made a good impression on the last person you met? I don’t know.

x22 How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? It angers me and makes me upset.

x23 Should there be an application process for having children? Uhhh.

x24 Are you able to ask for help when you need it? Sometimes. I just don’t like having to ask for a lot of help. Especially these days when I’m having to be really dependent on others for a lot of things. It’s frustrating not being able to do things you used to do. Some of it being what should be simple tasks.

x25 How intense is your anger? Have you ever hurt anyone/yourself? It takes a lot to make me angry. No, I’ve never hurt anyone or had the desire to do so.

x26 What is something red that you like to eat? Marinara sauce.

x27 Do you ever have trouble getting lighters to work? I don’t mess with lighters.

x28 If someone drinks, would that lower your opinion of that person? No.

x29 What if they did drugs? I would have an opinion about it if they did hardcore drugs. I wouldn’t think lower of them unless they were being completely reckless and doing things that were harmful. Like when I hear of a pregnant woman shooting up heroin still and having total disregard for their unborn child. 

x3o Do you know anyone who is abusive? Are you abusive? No.

x31 Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? No.

x32 If your best friend wanted to cheat on his/her partner, you would say? My best friend is my mom, who is with my dad, so I’d definitely have something to say about that.

x33 Who do you know that gives very sound advice? My mom.

x34 What do you think makes a person weak? I feel like I’m a weak person physically and emotionally, but I’m a lot more understanding of others and give more grace to others than myself. I wouldn’t think someone else in my position was weak, but I can’t say the same for myself. 

x35 What makes a person strong? A lot of things.

x37 Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? Uhhh.

x38 Who do you go to when you need comfort? If I go to anyone, it’s my mom.

x39 Is there anyone/anything with whom/which you like to cuddle? My doggo.

x4o Do nightmares still bother you? Yes?

x41 At what age did you start to feel like a teen, and not a kid anymore? When I started high school.

x42 Are you or were you in a hurry to grow up? No. I never understood why everyone else seemed to be in such a rush. 

x43 What is a fear you have about living on your own? Being on my own. I am perfectly content with still living at home with my family.

x44 Do you have any survey-maker recommendations? If yes, who? I do have a survey-making side-blog... <<< Yeah, check out @ohsh1t2wksl8

x45 Who was the last person to completely fascinate you? Hm. I don’t recall.

[scripttorture]

Hi! My character (who is between the ages of 14 to 17 that i havent decided specifically) was taken from his family while he was a baby and now serving as a war medic to the side A (his school was specialised in normal medicine and medical magic). He was unaware of his sides actions and was brought up by the side to be exposed to propaganda. After coming to contact with his lost family from Side B and having mildly positive interractions with them, ((1))

((Sides Anon 2)) Side A tortures him for treason and he changes sides and abandons his side A past. I was wondering what he could behave, if he would be able to help people after what he went through, how he could react to his Side A friends? Thank you!((SidesAnon Extra!!)) I have read thru the blog and although magic is semiutilised it doesnt do anything normal torture doesnt do and thesetting is more realism with atouch of fantasy rather than a fantasywith a touch of realism. 

-

Thank you that’s a good amount of information. :)

 I can’t give you any age-specific information because I don’t know enough about childhood development to do so. But I don’t think that should effect the answer too much in this case.

 If you haven’t already you might want to look up cases like this one in Argentina where children of political opponents were taken and raised by people loyal to those in power. The Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo are a good place to start.

 There were also a few cases during world war two in Europe but these can be more difficult to find and they’re not always well documented.

 The answers to your questions aren’t exactly clear cut I’m afraid. A lot depends on the individuals and the circumstances.

 I’m going to outline possibilities base on what I’ve read about and by survivors. But which of the possibilities is ‘right’ for your story isn’t a question I can answer. It’s up to you to decide what fits with the story you want to tell.

 Broadly speaking torture causes opposition. Someone who has been tortured is likely to feel very much opposed to their torturer, and this deep seated opposition can (but does not always) extend broadly to anyone they associate with the torturer. Which can mean things like political factions, countries, ethnic groups.

 Torture causes severe mental illness and sometimes physical disability. This does effect what a survivor is capable of. But they are often capable of more then we assume.

 Torture effects survivors very deeply and that does have a knock on effect on their relationships. That doesn’t necessarily mean the end of those relationships.

 What all this means for you is that there isn’t a straight forward road map to how your character ‘should’ behave or feel. Survivors are a varied bunch. I think that part of the commitment to showing their experiences is accepting that variety and making each story about how this particular character experienced it.

 Being tortured by people he thought he could trust is certainly going to shake the character’s world view and his faith in his superiors. But he might believe that the people who abused him were rogue agents, or that his case is one of an individual miscarriage of justice rather then a systematic problem. He might never extend the intense negative feelings he has for his torturers to his friends, his unit or even the ordinary people on this side.

 He might feel as though running is a precaution against a dangerous minority, rather then abandoning the group.

 On the other hand he might feel as if he can no longer trust anyone even remotely associated with that side. He might want to flee back to his birth family because it’s ‘safer’.

 He might feel several of these things at once: that he can’t trust people on this side anymore- but that’s irrational, he loves his friends he really does, and he’s not a traitor. He’s not.

 This is part of what I mean when I say that torture is a complex topic. Survivors are subject to some very irrational feelings and they may well be aware that they’re irrational but this does not make the feelings go away.

 They are also making a lot of rational assessments about a very extreme situation. And they may not be able to easily judge the difference.

 It can pull people in different directions. And the indecision can make things feel much worse.

 Which means he might react to his friends as if he can’t trust them. Or he might react to them as if he still trusts them just as much. Or a dozen points in between.

 If you picked anxiety or hypervigilance as one of his symptoms he might flinch away from his friends, even if he trusts them and feels like that reaction is ‘wrong’.

 Not all of this is rational, and that is normal.

 Similarly the way people act after torture (that is after they are safe) can vary hugely.

 Some people describe withdrawing, especially if they’re experiencing depression. Some people dissociate. Some people get angry or even aggressive. Some become incredibly anxious or fearful. Sadness about what happened to them. Happiness that it’s over, if they believe it is-

 But mostly? Torture survivors experience a range of feelings in the immediate aftermath as they try to come to terms with what happened to them. Feeling most of the things I’ve listed above at various points during the first few days afterwards would be pretty normal.

 Torture doesn’t cut people off from the full range of human emotions. And that means that there are a lot of different ways people can act.

 I would suggest trying to read survivor accounts and trying to root any response you come up with in the character’s personality and the symptoms you’ve chosen for him.

 You could try searching Amnesty International’s website for interviews. I’d suggest trying to concentrate on interviews that discuss more then just the torture these people lived through, because the aim is to get a more holistic view of their lives.

 You could also try Alleg’s The Question and Monroe’s A Darkling Plain.

 As for whether he could help people- Well it depends on the kind and extent of help you’re imagining and the symptoms you’ve chosen.

 A lot of survivors have to work after they’re released. Otherwise they would starve. This is not right and most of them struggle but that doesn’t make them incapable.

 Survivors who invested a lot of their identity in their work, who find meaning in it, often want to return to it immediately. Off the top of my head I can think of artists, singers, activists and doctors who all expressed a strong desire to get back to their work.

 And the majority of them did. Not necessarily right away and they were not necessarily capable of everything they could do before. But they continued to do what they loved.

 Survivors are typically not as good at dealing with a lot of stress and high pressure situations. And as far as possible they shouldn’t be put in those sorts of situations, where their mental health problems are likely to become… painful.

 One of the things that seems to come up a lot with survivors who invest a lot of themselves in their work is burnout. They try to cope with their mental health problems by focusing on work and drive themselves too hard. Then things get worse.

 Sometimes that can become something of a cycle.

 There are also some symptoms that make mistakes on the job more likely. Insomnia and addiction can be particularly dangerous in that regard. Memory problems can cause issues but I get the impression the issues they cause are typically less… life threatening.

 If you meant ‘help’ in the sense of emotional support though- I personally do not think that it should be left to survivors to help other survivors heal.

 It puts a lot of pressure on people who are already struggling in the name of taking pressure off people who can cope with that pressure… better. I don’t think that’s fair. I think it hurts a lot of survivors.

 Survivors can give each other, and non-survivors, emotional support. But people who aren’t trained as therapists can’t really be expected to take that role because they’re mentally ill.

 So it depends on what kind of help you want the character to give, how stressful it would be and for how long.

 He would still be capable of acting as a doctor. But asking him to pull a 12 hour shift in an emergency room is asking for a meltdown.

 In a sensible world he’d be allowed several weeks of recovery and eased back into work gradually, in as stress-free a way as possible.

 That isn’t always what happens. Sometimes because the survivor themselves wants to go faster then they can cope with.

 Wrapping this up: think about the symptoms you’ve picked for your character. Establish them early. Link them to the way your character behaves, around his friends, around work, around everyday life.

 Think about his values and beliefs. Think about what, aside from the ‘side’ he’s on, is at the heart of his identity.

 And read survivor accounts. They will help you get a better sense of what’s possible and what you’re trying to describe.

 I hope that helps. :)

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Misc. Luigi rambles (1 of ?): mostly LM1 edition

Luigi’s Mansion 3 is a great game that I thoroughly enjoyed, in large part thanks to the character animation on Luigi doing a fantastic job of getting across how scared he is all the time. That’s the main draw of a Luigi’s Mansion game, after all, right? (…No? Just me? I hope it’s not just me.)

Playing the game rekindled some of my Luigi Feelings from back in 2013, to the point that I decided to get some of those thoughts down in words now that I have a tumblr that exists for rambles like this. Said thoughts are actually mostly about Luigi’s Mansion 1 and are things I kept thinking about while eagerly waiting for the second game to come out. There’s also just some overthinking of Mario canon in general.

The deep backstory

So Mario is your typical perfect invincible hero who’s always eager for adventure and knows he can save the day, while Luigi is easily scared and lacks confidence and is rather emotionally dependent on Mario. They’re twins, but Mario is emphatically the “big brother” and Luigi the “little brother”, despite the fact that Luigi is physically taller, and also that he’s physically stronger than Mario in a lot of regards. He can jump higher, to name one example, and yet Mario’s always the one who’s famed for his jumping, as seen in the kinds of games where characters talk about this sort of thing, with nobody ever mentioning that actually Luigi’s an even better jumper than Mario, not even Luigi himself if he’s there.

This general gist of the bros’ contrasting personalities in spite of their relative physical ability actually happens to be perfectly set up by their backstory in Yoshi’s Island. In that game, they’re newborn babies (or as “newborn” as you can get when it happens via stork), but they’re evidently already self-aware to some degree based on the stuff Baby Mario is capable of, which I guess is just how babies work in this universe. And the game features Baby Mario going on an epic adventure with Yoshis to rescue his brother, while Baby Luigi is kidnapped and helpless to save himself, yet apparently has some kind of twin telepathy that lets him know his brother is coming to save him. So it’s only natural that Mario then grows up to be the heroic adventurous brother and Luigi the scared dependent brother, regardless of which of them is physically more capable. It makes an amazing amount of coherent character-writing sense as a backstory considering that this is, you know, Mario games.

(Plus, there’s also a Yoshi’s Island sequel on the DS, which, as far as I’m aware, features other babies the Yoshis can carry along with Baby Mario such as Baby Peach and Baby Wario… but Baby Luigi is still the damsel in distress who needs saving. It’s like the developers of that game knew they needed to keep Baby Luigi kidnapped and helpless because if he’d also got to have adventures with Yoshis as a baby then he would have gained confidence in himself after all, and clearly they couldn’t risk compromising the entire Mario canon like that.)

As far as I know, Luigi having an irrational fear of ghosts in particular doesn’t seem to be set up anywhere, alas. That’s probably just down to what I’ve noticed seems to be something of a Japanese writing trope to just give a character a deathly fear of ghosts, even though it usually doesn’t make any rational kind of sense to be so afraid of ghosts in particular (nor in Luigi’s case when there’s plenty of other types of dangerous beings in his world), simply as a shorthand to show that they’re a wuss. Which generally tends in the more complex cases to be rather disappointing lazy writing, but I don’t mind in this case because, A, it’s the Mario canon, it was never going to be that thought-out, and B, it means we get to have the Luigi’s Mansion games in which Luigi is constantly terrified throughout, and that’s obviously a good thing.

Humming

My favourite thing about the first Luigi’s Mansion game, something that it has going for it over the others even though the later two games are far better both in terms of gameplay and character animation on Luigi, is Luigi’s humming. Whenever Luigi is in a dark room that might have ghosts in and is not actively using his vacuum, he is constantly humming the same tune over and over. The best part of this is the three different humming tracks that the game uses depending on Luigi’s health, which get increasingly more desperate and terrified-sounding the more hurt he is. (Turns out Charles Martinet isn’t just here to do goofy Italian voices – he’s actually a really fantastic voice actor.) The lower-health ones especially really give the sense that Luigi isn’t humming this tune just because he feels like it, but rather because he’s desperately trying to keep himself going despite every instinct telling him to run away and never come here again. He does not stop humming, even though at lowest health he sounds so exhausted that he can barely manage to hum at all – yet he Just. Keeps. Forcing himself to hum that next note anyway no matter how brokenly off-key it is. It’s like he’s clinging to that as something to focus on and distract himself with, because without it he knows he’ll just fall apart. And he cannot afford to fall apart no matter what, not when he’s the only one who can save his big bro.

I say this is the one thing in the first game I like more than the second or third, but I’m not complaining that the second or third games don’t have this, because that kind of desperate constant survival-mantra humming wouldn’t make narrative sense in them. (Luigi does sometimes nervously hum the BGM in LM2, but only occasionally and only for short bursts, without different versions of it for different levels of health, so it doesn’t have nearly the same effect.) See, in the second and third games, Luigi’s done this before. He’s still scared, but beneath that, he knows that he’s capable of doing it again. As such, he doesn’t need such a desperate coping mechanism to keep himself going out of a fear that without it he’ll never make it to the end.

The tune that Luigi hums throughout the game is what I consider to simply be the Mansion’s theme (though I don’t know whether it’s officially called that or not). The mansion theme happens to be quite similar to E. Gadd’s theme, sharing a decent chunk of melody with it, to the point that I’ve seen multiple people not even realise they’re two different pieces and mistake one for the other. My headcanon for the similarity is this: E. Gadd’s theme was playing in-universe in some form the first time Luigi talked to him in his lab, to the point that it was stuck in Luigi’s head when he went back into the mansion. (This is very plausible, because E. Gadd’s theme explicitly does exist in-universe in the form of the GameBoy Horror ringtone.) So Luigi started humming it to himself to try and take his mind off his fear… except he only remembered some of how it went and filled in the blanks with his imagination. And because he was so scared, his imagination made the bits he filled in sound a lot more ominous and creepy in tone than the original tune was. If you listen to the differences between E. Gadd’s theme and the mansion theme, the parts which are unique to the mansion theme are the creepiest-sounding parts of the tune. In fact, as Luigi hums the mansion theme with the game’s instrumental backing, the only parts of the melody that the BGM actually plays are the parts that are unique to the mansion theme.

(You can also hear the ghosts faintly cackling along with the entire mansion theme in some places, but we can imagine that they started doing that after Luigi had created the rest of the melody and been humming it for a while, to try and unnerve him even more and make the humming less comforting for him.)

“M-M-Marioooo?”

Another fun thing which has increasingly desperate and terrified voice clips depending on Luigi’s health is him calling out Mario’s name. But something notable about this is that, even after the cutscene in which Luigi sees where Mario’s being held captive, the button which makes him call Mario’s name… still makes him call Mario’s name, even though Luigi now knows exactly where Mario is and that he won’t be getting a response.

Which, sure, is probably just because the game developers couldn’t be bothered to program it to change halfway through the game, but shush, it can make sense in-story too if you think about it. For the first half, Luigi was calling out for Mario because all he knew was that Mario was somewhere in the mansion, so there was always a chance he’d get a response. It was always possible that Mario could be just behind that next door, and then Luigi’d just have to do one more room before it’s over and they can leave and he’ll never have to go near another ghost again. But after having seen where Mario really is – held captive in some fancy underground altar room guarded by King Boo – Luigi would be getting the sinking realisation that he’s probably going to have to go through every other room in the mansion before he can get in there, isn’t he. Him continuing to call Mario’s name anyway after that point isn’t because he has the memory of a goldfish, but because he’s trying to trick himself back into the mindset he was in before he learned where Mario is, when his task didn’t seem quite as incredibly daunting because there was always the chance Mario was just behind the next door. He just has to do one more room, and then Mario’ll be there, right? Just one more room. Just one more note of the tune. Don’t think about the big picture and how impossibly terrifying it seems. Just keep going, one step at a time, no matter what. Luigi’s implicit coping mechanisms during this whole ordeal are delightful.

“What’s the holdup?”

Speaking of the point at which Luigi sees Mario through the bottom of the well, while you’re in the back garden where that well is, you can sometimes faintly hear Mario’s voice echoing out of the well, saying, “Hey, Luigi! What’s the holdup?”. Which seems on the surface like an absolute dick move, berating him for taking so long like the reason why isn’t obvious, making light of the struggle Luigi would be having here. But I refuse to believe that Mario would ever be a dick to his brother, especially not at a time like this where Luigi is his only hope of rescue and Mario has to know that his little bro’s got to be terrified and yet doing his best anyway.

It’s possible, especially at this point in the totally-strictly-defined Mario timeline in which he hasn’t really had any starring roles of his own yet, that Luigi has something of a complex about this kind of thing: always being considered the forgettable one of the pair, the backup option who’s really just dragging his superstar brother down. This is not, mind you, in a sense that makes Luigi resentful of his big bro for hogging the spotlight – Luigi is too pure and idolises Mario too much to ever feel that way, even deep down, and if anyone thinks otherwise they need to go and see the Dream’s Deep section of Mario and Luigi Dream Team. But perhaps Luigi gets kind of tired of people acting like he’s basically useless just because he’s not quite as super-amazing as his big bro definitely is.

So maybe hearing Mario apparently having that same opinion sparks the same feeling in Luigi that he always feels when he overhears those sorts of comments about himself, one of anger and indignation, that no, he’s more capable than that, he’ll show them. Why is Mario of all people saying this to him, now of all times? He’s doing his best, and he’s only taking so long because this is really hard! Holdup? What holdup? He’ll get through this, just you watch! …Which would be a mindset that might manage to distract Luigi from his fear, at least a little bit, and motivate him with something other than the terror of losing Mario if he fails.

One possibility for why Mario said this, then, is that he knows Luigi well enough to know that he’d have this reaction, and he said this with the deliberate intent of giving Luigi something to push him forward and take his mind off his fear.

…That was my headcanon about this line for the longest time, since sometime before 2013, even, and so I’m mentioning it here for posterity. But it only just now occurred to me that actually there’s a much simpler explanation. “What’s the holdup?” doesn’t actually have to be meant in a derogatory way; it could also just be meant as straightforward encouragement.

Getting to see a little of Mario’s behaviour towards Luigi in situations like these at the end of Luigi’s Mansion 3 made me realise that Mario’s just kind of like this in general. His way of helping Luigi through his fears isn’t to acknowledge the fear and reassure him, but to just jump on ahead while calling for Luigi to follow him, leading by example to inspire Luigi to try and be like him and keep pushing forward despite his fear. Mario acts like there’s nothing to be afraid of in the hope that it’ll help Luigi realise that there really is nothing to be afraid of, because they’re both superstar heroes who can save the day. After all, Mario has to know that Luigi’s really even stronger and more capable than him, and the only thing holding him back is his fear.

“What’s the holdup?” is the same kind of principle, even though Mario’s not able to lead by example in that situation. He’s making light of Luigi’s struggles only in the sense that he’s trying to help Luigi see as well that they’re not as big as he thinks they are. “What’s the holdup? There’s no need to be afraid, ‘cause you got-a this, bro! I believe in-a you!”

Anyway Mario and Luigi are adorable brothers and Luigi is the bravest of heroes.