#im gonna try and draw the easiest one tomorrow

[oifaaa]

So many art ideas not enough time to draw who knew being an independent adult was so time consuming

[doki-mocha]

i’m gonna go off into a rant

i wanted to much to make the best of my time at home. stuck at home during quarantine. having all the time in the world to work on myself and my art. but nope. i tried so hard, i tried fixing my weight, my face, my organization, my schedules, my focus. improve myself in so many ways, stay on task, stay motivated, stay up. but i came out of these 6 months just the same. 

i lost weight and gained it back. cleared my face then gave up and now we’re back to my dirt road of a face. i wasn’t able to do any of the comics i had planned. i had plans for two ongoing comics: lewlings comic and goodboy gambino: but i stopped a few pages in for both because i don’t have the time anymore because my classes are packing. i wanted to do commissions all break at least, and I’ve been stuck on this third commission for the past 4 months. i tried keeping myself on task and on schedule by plastering calendars and to-do lists all over my room, but they’ve gone ignored. i wanted to watch a bunch of anime or play games while on break to spark my creativity, but i’ve been sitting here doing NOTHING. I’VE DONE NOTHING. THIS WHOLRE 6 MONTH IMPRISONMENT I HAVE DONE NOTHING.

All I wanted to do is fix myself so i can make people happy. i wanted to get my life together so i’m able to produce art and comics people will enjoy during these shit ass times, but everyday is a waste. i’ve put nothing into this world while the world beats down on us. i’m trying so hard to be happy but my body says ‘take this beating.’

i wanted to do so much, but now we started a new year and my schedule is going to be jam packed. and not even, i’m also trying to shove in my self care routine in it all. there are so many hours ina  day, but i’m so fucking slow

Eating takes an hour, showering takes an hour, trying to wae up takes an hour, getting em to take my medicine takes an hour. I’m nothing but a waste of time. So much time I’m filling up with my nothingness. all the hours I couldve done my work, could have read my book, could have watched a show, played a game, drawn something, DONE SOMETHING and what do I do?

i try to get the tiniest happy the easiest way i can. just surfing the web looking for that easy droplet of happiness. scrolling is the easiest thing i can do and on average, i scroll for a half hour and find something to give me that delicious serotonin. and then its gone. and then i scroll again.

i’ve muted so many accounts, muted so many words to keep the unhappiness out and what do i get? i get nothing. the happiness is so few and far in between. an d i just dont have rthe energy to create it myeslf. i just want to do something. i want to be something. but there is too much going on. everything going on is giving me a headache that all i can do is cover my ears and hide. 

there’s so much i want to do. so many drawings that need to be made.

but my brain has a block

there is a fucking block in the way

i cant even think. all my brain sees is a giant wall that says “stress” but there is no description

i dont even know what im stressed at or about. but a block that says stress.

the lists goes on and on and it overlaps and overlaps that all you see is black. all the words written out in ink merge together. all the blackness has meaning but i can’t make sense f any of it.

i cant even get a counselor to help me through this coming year because of this disease. aint even a good place to kill yaself around here. stuck at home where i made it as safe as possible because i want to live. i want to live  a long happy life making other people happy. but its so hard to get to the happy.

i’ve literally been lying here braindead for th epast few days ever since i finished that archer boys portrait. two weeks, maybe more, working on that thing. focusing, smiling, excited, hyped. i was so happy to see all the comments and approval people gave me. that was my high. the highest high. and its gone

its all gone

and im in classes again

about to be bombarded with allt eh things that make me unhappy

one more year

one last year

one year to finish it all, move away from it all, one more year until i can say i’m free. i can draw, i can work, i can live, i can be happy on ym own terms. i just need to make it through. take it all in. absorb it all. survive it all.

i hope that there are still people out there that seek out the things i can give

because i dont think i can do any of this the rest of this year

please wait for me

please find me

i’ll be happy soon

and i can bring you guys some happy too

im gonna go cry  maybe. or just sleep. lets see.

the schedule starts tomorrow, and i will try

here’s to a new year

[mmagcon101]

Daddy Dallas - Cameron Dallas fluff Imagine

- 

‘Babe trust me I understand it's work and you have to do it but you have been going on so many buisness trips these past few months and it's hard without you here taking care of four kids and one on the way I just don’t know how you expect me to just be okay with it “ you said to your husband Cameron. “Y/n baby I promise this trip is literally one day and I come home tomorrow night okay I will be back and this is the last buisness trip I am going on this month “ Cameron reassured you taking a seat next to you gently massaging your shoulders . 

“Mommy “ Carson your 5 year old son screamed as he entered into your room “ yes baby’ you asked letting out a soft smile at the sight of his face “Elle broke my supeman toy I told her to stay away and she wouldn't listen “ he threw the broken toy on the bed “Carson your sister is only 1 she doesn't understand anything yet okay I'll tell Elle to stay out of your room okay while your play you have plenty of other action figurs to play with” you responded laying back down on the bed taking a deep sigh. ‘I’ll get Elle now ‘ Cameron offered as he left the room to grab Elle. 

You were left in the room alone for the first time in months you felt a rush of excitement for this tiny moment of relaxation. “Babe’ Cameron said as he entered the room holding Elle's hand as she held her favorite stuffed dog “yes” you responded sitting up. ‘ I have an idea okay since you need a break you go to the spa and get a massage or whatever you want while I stay here and take care of the kids all day” Cameron said sweetly closing the door behind him so Elle couldn't leave to bother her sibilings . 

“Really ?” You asked hopeful “yes baby go get ready and head out’ Cameron smiled giving you a sweet kiss “let me go check on them” he said letting out a slight chuckle before he picked up and Elle and was on his way to the kids. 

Cameron passed by your eldest sons room Christian he was only 8, “hey champ” Cameron said as he entered the room still holding Elle to see what Christian was up to “hey daddy “ Christian said focusing on the drawing he was trying to complete. “What you up to ?” Cameron asked seeing Christians masterpiece “just drawing” he said casually as his tounge was pressed tightly in between his lips focusing on his drawing of a dog. 

“Your doing a great job show me it when it's all done” Cameron said as he placed a kiss on Christians head. Cameron then left the room to go to the play room where hopefully the rest of the kids were. 

“Daddy” Chase rushed to Cameron to give him a sweet hug, Chase was the second to youngest he was only three and he was exactly like Cameron. “Hey buddy” Cameron said as he placed Elle down to play with the toys in the play room. “Come on Chase you have to be batman” Carson said holding out the batman toy. 

Elle was the only girl and the youngest child she was Daddy's little girl and surprisingly the easiest of all the babies. 

“Are you guys hungry ?” Cameron asked the kid . “Daddy I hungry” Elle said tapping Cameron's legs “okay how about I order pizza” Cameron offered all the kids responded with excitement and agreed “okay let me go get the menu to order”.

After finishing getting ready you took a deep sigh of relief and excitement, you spotted Cameron down the hallway. “Hey” you said as you wrapped your arms around his torso “hi beatiful” he said simply “I think I'm gonna head out now before the kids see me leaving” you said letting out a slight chuckle as you let go of Cameron's torso “go enjoy your day have fun and don't come home early” Cameron said giving you one last kiss before you left for your day at the spa. 

Cameron went to order the pizza after spending time with the kids in the play room. 

He entered to see Carson and Chase arguing over a random action figure. “what is going on here ?” Cameron questioned as he moved closer to the arguing boys “daddy Car he took my toy’ Chase whined “its not his toy it's mine” Carson aruged. 

“Well it's going to be no ones toy now because you guys need to learn how to share” Cameron said as he took the action figure from Carsons hand and placed it on the high shelf. 

“Daddy I poo poo” Elle said as she looked up at Cameron concerned Cameron chuckled as he picked Elle up taking her to the changing table. 

“How does someone so tiny poop so much” Cameron said in disgusted as he wiped Elle's bum. Elle let out a simple laugh as she continued to babble on in words no one could ever make up what they meant. 

They rest of the day was spent with Cameron breaking up arguments , changing diapers , cleaning up messes , putting kids down for naps and taking toys away. But now it was nearly bed time and he had to bathe all the kids. 

“Come on Christian , Chase and Carson its bath time go pick out your pajamas and don't forget your underwear” Cameron said as he went to the kids bathroom to start Christians shower and run Chase and Carson’s bath. 

“No bath daddy pweas” Chase said as he pouted “no Chase you stinky” Cameron teased “I no stinky” Chase said as he smelt his underarms. “Yes you do buddy” Cameron said pretending to sniff Chases underarms “okay daddy” Chase said simply exiting the bathroom to pick out his pajamas and underwear.

Christian was the first to return with his Pajams he quickly undressed and entered the shower, Chase soon returned and following after him was Carson. Elle was outside the bathroom watching her Tv show shimmer and shine with that show on the television she wouldn't take her eyes off the screen. 

Cameron helped Chase undress and helped Carson when he needed it. 

“Boys no splashing” Cameron said sternly as he exited the bathroom to check on Elle “daddy look shine” she said as she flashed a wide smile to Cameron “yeah” Cameron responded joyfully as he took a seat on the couch until the boys were just about done. 

“Daddy”Chase called for Cameron, Cameron quickly sprun up to enter the bathroom “look my hair” Chase giggled, Chase had formed bubble in the shape of a Mohawk on top of his head “awesome” Cameron said “Daddy I'm done”Christian said as stepped out the shower grabbing the towel off the counter to dry himself “you can go get dressed and I'll brush your hair after Im done with your brothers” Cameron said as he was washing the soap out of Chases hair. 

Christian nodded simply starting to dress himself. Cameron pulled the boys out of the tub dressing them individually after brushing all of their hairs. 

“Alright bedtime now let's go” Cameron said the boys quickly listens and headed to their rooms. 

Christian had his own room since he was the oldest but Carson and Chase shared a room. Cameron went to give the boys a kiss goodnight and out on Netflix for them to watch as they drifted off to a sleep. 

“Now it's your turn little one” Cameron said taking a deep sigh as he looked at a smirking Elle. 

He picked Elle up taking her to her bedroom to pick which pajams she liked best she of course chose her shimmer and shine pajamas. He ran her bath and sat on the toilet allowing her to play for a little bit. 

“Hey” you said as you leaned in the bathroom doorway. “Oh hey” Cameron said in shock “mommy” Elle cheered in the bath tub “baby” you said with a wide smile wanting to give Elle a big hug. 

“You ready to get out ?” Cameron asked Elle and she nodded. 

Cameron dressed Elle in her pajams and placed here in her crib that was in the master bedroom with a bottle of milk. 

“So how was it ?” You asked Cameron as your removed your jewelry. “Exhausting yet amazing” Cameron said chuckling “how was the spa?” He asked taking a seat in the toilet “amazing” you said removing your shirt. 

Cameron stood up taking his shirt off as well “well I'm glad you enjoyed it , thank you” Cameron said wrapping his arms around you “thank you?” You questiond “yes thank you for being such and amazing mother to our kids and taking care of them everyday” he said giving you a sweet kiss “well it's my job” you responded with a smile “now let's take a shower and head to bed” you said “yes pleas” Cameron responded . 

- 

I hope you enjoyed this imagine let me know what you think!