#if i dont do things in a way that fucking unsustainable. and my therapist would b like: is that true or is it just something ur telling

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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[agoraphobe]

Thank you for the agoraphobia advice. What things should I look out for if I want to avoid a bad therapist? I do not want to seek help from a male therapist, so female therapist red flags would help if you know of any.

I think the root of my issue is complex but I believe it surrounds a fear of men due to very bad previous experiences. I've found that men at night bother me less (which you'd think would be the opposite. Maybe it's just the area I live in.)

I guess i was reaching out to you to find out where to start in fixing this. I am reaching a point where I'm having a hard time going to the grocery store at night & instead choosing to not eat when I feel too nervous. I sometimes will circle the block in my car around the 24 hour grocery store 3 or 4 times before going home. This is unsustainable, and a lot of the advice I see is to just push through it, which i do most of the time. I just feel really exhausted and hungry all the time & it's my own fault which is so fucking annoying. 😭 I've been using my hunger to motivate me to actually go into the store but sometimes I just can't. I refuse to do delivery because I know I won't be able to turn back once I start doing that.

Sorry for rambling. I don't really want to admit this to anyone I know because it's embarrassing but it feels nice that someone might understand.

im sorry 🩷 its definitely understandable though. im wary of most men as well and unfortunately i think this is common for a lot of women. for my own comfort i have always avoided male doctors, therapists etc. with the exception of my current prescriber who has been an outlier... but i also only meet with him via video call for a few minutes so that probably helps. anyway, as for female therapists, personally (and no offense to these women) ive found it tricky to "relate" and feel like im getting any benefit with therapists who are close to my age as well as women who are a bit elderly like 60+ but this could be totally different for you. red flags for me (beyond basic ones that apply to all therapists) have been therapists who just parrot everything i say back to me but add something like "yeah thats understandable" or "that must be tough for you" etc. i know its an actual technique theyre taught but it just doesnt feel helpful to me. it feels like im not actually getting anywhere? i also dont like when therapists try to make it seem like im just talking to a friend whos letting me vent, but that could be something you dont mind? its just a personal preference. id make sure to be clear about what you are experiencing and what you want to get out of therapy because itll help lay the groundwork for them and know where to start. id say a good therapist is someone who can help you figure out why you feel the way that you do and why you respond to situations like that but also what you can do to try to respond differently over time. i like therapists who actually establish "goals" for me to work toward, e.g. for me this looked like "i know its hard for you to take walks outside without feeling panicked, but maybe this week you can try to walk down to the next 3 houses then come back home and see how you feel," or like "i know you havent been able to go grocery shopping in a while. do you have someone you trust to go with you? maybe this week you guys can try to visit a smaller store you feel familiar with." basically exposure therapy but taking it a little at a time and giving yourself realistic/reasonable goals.