#i’m just too annoying or much or whatver

[dumbthiccbitch666]

don’t you just love when your friend gets a partner and completely forgets you exist for 6 months on end … heheheh i do

[tetralea]

Hey heyyy I love ur writing!!!

Could u nah e write a fluffy oneshot either for Tom or Harrison whatver u want where maybe they are over at the readers house and the readers parents are like the worst ever, and just real mean to her and as soon as they either go into her room or at home he’s really sweet and caring and tells her sweet things

Sorry I’m in need of fluff xxxx

Hi! Thank you, I’m happy you enjoy my writing! :)

So my turnaround time is usually not this fast but last night I had a bit of extra time to do this. I decided to go with Tom for this and it’s kind of college AU.

On another note I hope you’ll like it, it was a tough one for me for several reasons, mostly the parents aspect. I hope everything is okay with you tho. 😘

Bringing Tom to your parent’s house was never an easy task. Being at your parent’s house wasn’t an easy task in general. Somehow, for some reason, you couldn't do anything good lately. It was the worst, and you couldn’t wait to get out of there. It was only two weeks now until your semester ended and that was the only thing you could think of. At the end of it you could move out again. You lived in a dorm before sharing a small room with him and a small apartment like space with another couple. It was before he left to a semester abroad and you were left with no roommate, so you decided to move home and save up a little for the rent for an apartment for just the two of you. It seemed like a logical decision, but it was hell. Now with Tom back already occupying the tiny, cosy flat it was even worse, but moving with all your exams, homework and essays going on were impossible.

‘Lunch is ready.’ Your dad stepped into your room without knocking or announcing himself. After his grumpy grunt he closed the door faster than you could have started to complain about the invasion of your privacy.

It shouldn’t have been this difficult, right? Just to knock on the god damn door. Not like you two were doing anything like that. Tom was lounging on your bed softly massaging your feet until you sat in a rather odd position at your desk trying to finish you essay in time. Studying together was your thing, you got used to it very fast in the dorm and you missed it terribly until he was away.

‘Why he is like this?’ It didn’t take much to you to slam the computer down, flopping onto the bed next to Tom, looking at him pouting.

‘I don’t know, love.’ He pulled you closer, circling his arms around you, holding you flush to himself kissing the top of your head trying to soothe you. ‘Maybe it’s weird for them too.’ His soft murmur and the gentle circles on your back helped a little.

‘Weird to lift his hand and knock?’ You sat up with a huff, still pouting and looking down at the brown haired boy.

Tom’s apologetic grimace and little gesture made it obvious that he was as clueless as you were.

The lunch was like a carefully orchestrated torture. After your dad criticizing your home attire, saying something about covering up more, your mom complained about the shift in your taste.

‘Now you are not eating this either?’ She squeaked rolling her eyes. ‘I swear to god, nothing is good enough for you anymore. Always on a diet, or not eating diary, when you were a kid, you had no problems with diary.’

‘I’m lactose intolerant mom.’ You sighed trying to explain it for the thousands time. ‘I can’t eat diary; it makes my stomach hurt.’ The answer was only partly true trying to spare everyone on the other details of your intolerance.

‘Nonsense! How come you never had a problem when you were a child?’ She pushed her own agenda a bit more. ‘You are just becoming a picky eater, what’s next?’

‘I don’t know, mom.’ Your tone was calm and tired, trying not to freak out and make a scene. ‘I’m not a doctor, if you want to know we can ask them.’ With a bit of an aggressive stab at your meat you took a bite on your fork trying to finish the part of the meal which you could eat.

Tom remained silent during the whole conversation, his eyes fixating on the plate like there was something very fascinating there. He didn’t dare to reach out and grab your hand or rest his hand on your thigh to reassure you, so trying his best he slid his foot to yours, crossing your calf over his shin, rubbing it up and down slightly.

To your relief there was a bit of silence after this, it was awkward but still better than the hurtful comments you sometimes got, unluckily to you it didn’t last long.

‘So, you two are going to get married too?’ Your dad’s voice was muffled by the food in his mouth, not even looking at you when he asked the outrageous question.

‘Dad!’ Your head shot up, looking at him with a sharp, angry look. ‘We are just moving together; marriage will be another step.’

You tried your best to remain calm, quickly glancing at Tom after your answer not wanting to look obsessed or greedy or talk about marriage without talking to him first about it, but he was on your side, as always. Silently. He nodded murmuring a quiet, yes, before showing another bite into his mouth.

The sound your dad made gave you the feeling like it wasn’t over yet and that it will just get worse. ‘Maybe that should come first, if something would happen during the living together.’ He commented, taking another bite, and gesturing around with it a little, still not looking at you, being visibly annoyed and frustrated by the very obvious fact that you were in fact sleeping with Tom and he hated even the thought of it.

You felt the blood rush to your face, not only from the anger now, but there was also a huge amount of embarrassment in there too. It was always an awkward and taboo topic in front of your parents. Surely you have slept with Tom multiple times during the course of your relationship, you loved him after all, but your parents getting to know about it and at the sheer fact being so obvious to them was another level which no one handled well.

‘Nothing will happen.’ You tired to gain back your cool, slowly sliding down on your chair with Tom in union.

Thank God this last encounter was brutal, ridiculous and embarrassing enough to make everyone just quietly finish their meals. The two of you were done first, quickly cleaning up your plates and running back to your room.

‘This was horrible. Why are they like this, Tom?’ The question was more rhetorical than anything as you fake sobbed.

Tom only sighed and tried his best to get over the horrid comments while slowly wrapping you in his arms. ‘I really don’t know, darling.’ He kissed the top of your head, tightening his grip when he felt you sigh. ‘But I love you, you know that, right?’ He asked with a small smile, trying to angle the two of you to finally be able to look you in the eye.

The puppy dog eyes you gave him and the pout was almost too much together, he hated seeing you like this.

‘I love you. Okay?’ He asked and said again when you didn’t answer. ‘And the faster we get to pack your stuff the faster we can get out here and can start our weekend together. Only you and me.’ He pulled you back to his chest, slowly rocking the two of you.

‘I love you too.’ Finally, a muffled mumble come from the direction of his chest where your head was reasting. ‘I love you so much, and I can’t wait to finally live with you again.’ Just saying it out loud made you happy, a small laugh erupting from your lips, breaking your tense demeanour finally.

‘That’s it, that’s the smile I fall for.’ Tom purred, his smile reaching his eyes, the small wrinkles you loved so much appearing as he was beaming at you. ‘I love you so much.’ He repeated it again, like he couldn’t believe it was all true either, like you were too good to be truly his.

With a giddy laugh you leaned to him pressing your lips to his for a small kiss. He was quick to reciprocate it, chasing your lips when you pulled away, taking them between his, sighing into the kiss when he felt you melting against him. He was kissing you slowly, like he wanted to savour every second, every little movement, every heartbeat of the kiss. It was longer than you expected but neither of you had it in you to pull away just yet. When the kiss ended, he stayed close, his forehead pressed to yours. ‘Let’s pack fast, I can’t wait to leave and have you all for myself finally.’

Tags: @frenchfrostpudding, @dreamsarecloserwithyou, @terrifictomholland @we--are---not--afraid @annathesillyfriend @thegirlintheswivelchair @hazofmyheart @tomsrebeleyebrow @worldoftom @sinisterspidey @greenorangevioletgrass

[sportyclown]

how sawamura, miyuki, yuki, and kuramochi text (friends + s/os)

will most likely do a part 2 with more boys at a later date! these got freakishly long because i am, at my core, a very mad. also might revisit as i get re-familiar with the characters, i just had this idea floating around in my head. also the way these got pro

sawamura eijun

no matter who he texts, it’s always extremely extra. not only does he always give more information than you asked for – ex. if you text him wya? he will give you a play by play of his entire route or something

 he also uses tons of emoticons. and yes I do mean emoticons, baby boy has a flip phone. ifhe does eventually get a smart phone, then this boy overuses tf out of emojis. he’s the sort of person that sees someone use a combination of emojis he likes and then tries to copy them, but uses it completely incorrectly, but its v cute.

if you send him a meme, he will respond with an unnecessary amount of hahas. 

when he’s texting his lil bae, they’re always on his mind so he ofc texts them every thought that comes to his mind! when he sees something that reminds him of you, he won’t hesitate to share it with you. 

if you have been together for a long time, then we will definitely text you words of affirmation and be very honest/blunt about how he feels about you. he’s also always sure to ask you about your day - and he seriously cares. but i still i feel like with a s/o he would prefer facetime to texting just because he likes to see you :)

overall, a very adorable texter and his enthusiasm is just as contagious when texting as it is in person. he’s kind of clueless so he doesn’t pick up on subtext. so be blunt, just like he will be with you~

kuromochi youichi

my bias might be showing here, but I feel like he is one of the most well-adjusted boys in terms of being ready for a serious relationship tbh (at least post-high school). i mean we all saw that he regularly corresponded with wakana wish that were me lmao

i think he would most often use proper capitalization, but not to the point where he uses a period after every text

would send his friends news articles about his favorite fighting games where u like gaming or not

a meme fiend in general. the sort of person who uses reaction images of people he knows. (if you’re dating, he would still have a stash of funny pics/screenshots of you on ft, but he’d ofc only use them with you <3). his convos with his friends are rarely serious

 i don’t think he’d be the type to text haha out loud, but he does use LOL on occasion. with close friends/his lil bae he might send a voice memo of him laughing hysterically if you send him something REALLY funny. ugh my annoying king <3

unlike eijun he’s the king of being perceptive / picking up subtext. 

similarly, i do think he’s pretty reliable, but for friends i feel like he might make a lil bit of a stink lmao. like lets say a friend wants him to pick something up for them, he might play like he won’t do it then miraculously shows up with the requested item. its giving tsundere vibes on the low.

with his partner: i feel like he would use emojis when he’s trying to be ~cute~. i think with a established partner he’d be pretty flirty still but he’s v much whipped for his partner so its way more mushy than it would be early in the relationship.

yes your name has hearts/stars in his phone. mans is a SAP for you

his love language is more quality time imo, so I think he values time spent with you over texting time. so a lot of your texts might be asking you to come over to hang out / get a meal or vice versa

like eijun he wants to hear about YOU, and is very supportive and good at advice when he wants to be. he can be goofy but this is how he shows you he cares/sees you as more than a friend

he’s a blushy/shy boy with his s/o esp early in the relationship, so he might be hesitant or nervous to say “i love you” or anything like that outright, but you know anyway, which just makes the times when he does outright say it that much sweeter.

miyuki kazuya

i mean it goes without saying that this man is snarky. he’s not a meme king himself but he enjoys when people send them to him and will usually play off the meme to make his own jokes.

i feel like he also likes deep-fried memes or the very abstract, post-modern memes. miyuki is good at making other people laugh, but he has a generally very-off brand humor and the things that make him cackle hardest are either at someone else’s expense (very similar to kuramochi, so they bond a lot over that) or just indiscernible without access to a huge layer of context/background

saves the reaction photos kuramochi sends him, but doesn’t usually use them. but seeing an ugly pic of eijun yelling never fails to make him grin LMAO

i think he also texts A LOT about baseball, even more so than these other baseball dummies. texts his teammates a lot of articles he reads or clips from games/cool plays. this is mostly about texts, but in terms of social media I think miyuki uses twitter/instagram the most especially for baseball related reasons, while kuramochi uses snapchat the most. 

he probably texts a lot about baseball as well, both seriously and playfully

i can see him using hahas and LOLs in equal measure, but he would also utilize the haha reaction if he had an iphone. this boy does value his wit so he would definitely have commentary about any memes or jokes he’s sent

you won’t win a joke war against him, he will definitely one-up whatever you send him with either a one-liner or another joke. how tf does he do it?

definitely ignores people/conversations if he really wants to - but ofc he never does that to his BAE

if miyuki give you a dry one-line response...he’s not interested at all or he’s feeling frustrated about something else. but when he’s really happy? he will text his friends all the time and spam them! i see him as someone who enjoys texting when he has the attention span/state of mind for it. and when he’s texting his s/o his texting gets even more ~flavorful~

wit his lil bae: i don’t think miyuki would switch it up much w his s/o. is probably even more teasing with you over text than he is with his friends, which is saying something.

like talking with you just by nature of you being his partner. prob prefers texts to facetime because text kinda allows for maximum snark

he LIVES for you guys’ witty back and forth 

if he’s traveling for work or something, will definitely relish in you guys binge texting a tv show or something but just making funny commentary (or he’ll just send you funny commentary to get a reaction)

 he can dish it and he’s also not a super sensitive guy so he can take it tenfold from you as well. nothing y’all wouldn’t be used to when talking in person!

sometimes when texting him you’ll want to beat his a*s because he can be so cheeky but its endearing in a way. he definitely adds emojis to the end of his more annoying messages to give it that loveable vibe (and it works ofc, we love u miyuki)

he’s kinda clingy on the low so i think he’d prefer a partner that’s more open with their affection via text than he is. he would live for your random ilys or whatver throughout the day. also would not mind at all if you updated him on your actions throughout the day or sent him snaps - might not be able to respond to everything, but will react and appreciate it. very likely to make jokes about whatever you’re doing.

would also apologize over text. he’s not always used to apologizing can be awkward about it, so text makes it easier for him.

he would use emojis w you in a joking/ironic way. would absolute use those dumb but genius emoji combinations

yuki tetsuya

i’m literally cracking up thinking about texting him. he is one of my ultimate baes but im sorry i just know he texts dry asf. but its part of his charm!

has a flip phone. either never upgrades or gets the chunkiest most basic android if he is forced to

the thing is this man thinks that he is infusing all his texts with, like, tajin level seasoning, when in reality its pepper

uses punctuation. always. exclamation marks are used sparingly to express excitement.

but i can’t get the image out of my head of an upset tetsuya texting you a simple angry emoji (or the angry emoticon >:( LOL) if he’s reeeeeeally mad. but its v cute i can’t take him seriously. i just want to give him a hug <3

 but you know what he is so PASSIONATE about whatever he’s talking about that his passion bleeds into his text through sheer quantity of words and depth of thought. ultimately, all his conversations end up being extremely flavorful in terms of content. he is surprisingly good at having deep conversations over text.

he’s better at holding conversations with more extroverted personalities, truthfully.

he’s another one who sends random things to people when he thinks about them. miyuki of course gets so many texts/thoughts about shogi. if you get a random haiku, poem, or quote from testu, that means you’re blessed enough to be in his inner circle! he definitely thought of you when he read it and and wants you to respond!

with bae: he doesn’t really change up his texting style tbh, but he has a stronger outward reaction to what YOU text in response.

definitely the type to smile almost imperceptibly at his phone as he texts you, even if you send him something like “hey i’m at the store, want anything?”

he’s not great as verbal affection early in the relationship, so you’ll have to discern his love/affection. however baby boy is NOT afraid to just straight up say he loves you, he does it all the time and early.

he’s KNOWN for being reliable and responsible, so he will be at your beck and call when he’s able to for anything you need, but his heart is also warmed by the thought of you reciprocating that care. if your texts show him you’re thinking of him just like he does too. he’s very gentle and sweet, and checks up on you when he’s able to see if you need anything at all.

he might be reliable, but that doesn’t mean that he’s the quickest guy to respond to texts. he’s a busy guy, and he doesn’t think about his phone all the time, but he will always get back to you (bae does not play when it comes to completing things).

if they came up with a shogi game for gamepidgeon and tetsu had an iphone, your phone probably would be spammed with requests for games lol.

this is my first time doing headcanons like this so please let me know what you think or give me tips on how to improve! I really enjoying thinking about it so I hope to do more in the future <3

[bonecage]

gonna rant cause why not: jensen and danneels activism is so fake and performative because they had that skype call with misha already planned and them backing dowm and being silent would be a bad look. jensen and danneel sooo didnt pass shit out- there would have been pics. there are always pics. i'll give them the benefit of the doubt that they bought the supplies but whatver. danneels performative activism is shady.. don't need you to announce it just do it. gen's been the loudest (1/?)

cont.. misha clearly was pretty loud but i feel like half his shit is just to poke at trump rather than care much about blm. jared posted great resources and tho he didnt tweet the hashtag, he rt'd and agreed. clearly he coulda done more but i'm chalking it up to sm causing him anxiety and he never posts anyway (though he should). the arrest being brought up was annoying cause i doubt jared can say anything re: his lawyers. i think he's still learning. (2/?)

i dont think jareds racist. i think he might struggle with the BLM vs "all lives matter" but in the general sense— not that he disagrees with the movement. also lbr the "reverse racism" thing is stupid, the tweets 8 yrs old, he apologized and learned from the host as she said after that. i don't think the cast is racist- but privileged. mixing those words up causes too much uproar. i don't know i'm rambling now but.. it's become a competition between stans rather than just. being supportive

------------------------------

putting the last ask together with the first 2 bcos i think it was part 3(?) of your rant.

i feel like d/j should’ve just not even been on that live, like thnx for not speaking over black voices, but idk, they didn’t really need to be there, but i think elta probably wanted to be seen as a good ally. your theory of them not even being at the protest isn’t all too crazy, some other d-list celebs have, i think faked going to a few or others just sorta used it as a photo op. i agree that gen has been the ‘loudest’ compared to any of them. i saw her insta story today about how she just learned about ‘white women tears’ today, like, it made me lol but good for her. i don’t think the cast is racist either, well not crazy white supremacy way but, more just regular degular level racist as any other white that thinks racism was invented once trump took office. like, the fact that jared probably even believed reverse racism was a thing until someone had to educate him and he was in his mid 30s..come on.

[determined-magi]

“ ...Aren’t you being a little harsh? “

Don’t mind him, he’s going to put a pair of tails all the way his ears, to muffle the sound a little. might not work but it at least conveys a message. Nothing personal, really, he just isn’t going to listen. He’ll snort to add to the message.

" You’ve got words, Rhowën, and a spell to let you use them... ”

“ Could be HARSHER, but then I am far too stupid by everyone’s standarts to figure out a way, don’t you think, smartass? If you want to lick his boots why not go personally do so, and kiss his rectum while at it, will you? ”

“ He’s trying to help you guys, he could very well just leave you all, but he’s trying his best. Can’t you just cut him some slack? “

“ How about this? You shut up, and I don’t behave worse? Sounds fair? sounds fair to me, because right now I can’t fucking care for a damn thing, and I certainly won’t for that one. You cut me the slack, I’m trying to just lay down, wait for that damn shit to pass off, and go kill something to eat. “

“ Come on Rhowën... you aren’t like this, hell... you’ve been the one the most supportive of him. I know you care, you and the rest, otherwise he wouldn’t have been here for as long... wouldn’t be here still... “

“ I doubt it... Probably we’d kick him physically. Besides, my magic doesn’t feel the slightest good thing at him. Not. an. ounce. If it could? It would bite whatever shit he’s got for a soul, destroy it until not even ashes are left of that fucker, and then piss on the ground where he died... “

“ What? You can’t be serious Rho... “

“ And I? I honestly agree, I don’t know whatver fuck my older self saw on him, but he’s not worth it. Only an idiot would think otherwise, or a sick fucking idiot that is a sucker for feeling pain. Emotional or physical... “

“ You don’t mean that. “

“ Who are you to tell? I fucking killed almost an entire academy, helped in burning a capital of a former allied kingdom. I’m partaking in the coup against my king... I have bit some of you to death. If I say I question myself for associating with that weird ass freak, I mean it... “

“ He is your friend, isn’t he? “

“ NOT. MY. FRIEND. If he was he wouldn’t fucking take advantage of this, or treat me as he’s done. Hell, you’d treat a teen or kid in my situation the same? do me a favor and stick a cactus up your butthole, jackass. At the best? He is a questionable ally, and that is being absurdly generous with that freak... “

“ Rho... he’s just... worn down. “

“ And what am I then? I’m not all that fucking far, and do you see me fucking taking my shit on you guys? I try to work my shit off silently, alone, and in some place it will not blow up on people. If anything I should be worse, he wants to be an asshole? Well fine, I’ll just make his damn job harder, or less pleasant with whatever I can work with. Fuck him, honestly, fuck him right up his ass with a cactus or some shit that can get him really sick. “

“ Rhowën come on... “

“ No, I’m done with that. Meeting that fucker? That freak? It has been the biggest fucking mistake, along whoever fucking was his dad. I wish I could fucking feel hate again, anger... just so I could word how much I despise them, instead of just feeling these fucking bleak annoying things I do... “

“ ... “

“ I wish I could feel the damn shit my fucking magic does. I don’t care if it means losing myself on it, fuck them, fuck it, and fuck him. “

“ Rhowën, you need to calm down. “

“ Fuck you, I’ll calm down and chill whenever I fucking want to. And don’t you dare pull of that fucking shit, Or I’ll fucking bite off your arms. Go lick his damn boots, stop pestering me... Or I’ll make your job hell too... “

Lips curl as he lifts himself, fur lightly risen on end until he lets a light growl. A hand gently leaves his pockets, before the man sighs and begins to move to the exit. Better that than continuing and have him regret it later...

“ Will do, my lord... I... he may come back at some point, I don’t think the dose is working as it should, you are particularly hostile right now.... “

“ That’s on you, tell him enjoy the pursuit. I’m not going to be helpfull, courtsey of the idiot that managed to annoy me off. If you also excuse me, I’ve got some living things to hunt and kill, hopefully that will improve the mood you ruined. “

“ ... “

“ Go on, fucking leave and go search some solace elsewhere, you’re not getting it here, get used to it, dumbass. “

At least he tried.

[facelessdreamer]

Fuck

I hate my mum so fucking much. I shouldn't but I feel it. I’m just so fucking mad because she’s she. I fucking fuck o my god I just arghhhhhgggggfhshgskwwj fucking ARGHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHH the fuck she make me do things? Why the fuck does whatever she say to me piss me off this much. I don’t give a shit about her words and constant nonsense about the same shit okay! And why the fuck does she drag something on for so long?! You can always always always fucking see I’m in the middle of some shit. Whether it’s tv or fucking all set to leave the house. Yet you’ll fucking talk and keep me from it. And I always try so fucking hard to just stand or sit there and hear your fucking shit I don't wanna hear. I don’t listen. I just hear bc that’s all I can naturally do. Seriously the shit she talks about with me doesn’t ever interest me and Ive no energy or will for it. I just wanna go on about my life and never be stopped for a minute. I have my own wars beefing me in here already. I barely fucking watch tv either. Today’s my day off in like absolute fucking ages. I hadn’t spent a day at home for weeks and she's out here talking on the phone needing the tv volume low and being her usual loud on the phone and I can’t hear shit on the tv? but when she watches tv were not allowed to make a fucking sound? only double standards from this woman aggravate me on a level as high as this. Later she even hoovers in the same room for 15 fucking minutes, are you dumb? It’s not a fucking mile long mate why take that long I'm building all this shit load of adrenaline and already fuming after 5 minutes of her presence with this clutter. I watched her the whole time instead bc she was blocking the fucking tv and sound with the bloody Hoover noise so I was forced to see all this instead. All I wanted was to watch this single programme man. that's all. it may not matter in 2 days or 5 years but I wanted this, for now, for the moment I desired this. So tell my why tf does it take that long to Hoover this small space in our living room? I swear the longer she took outside of 5 minutes pissed me the fucck offf and I was just there sitting, building samosas and fuming. I really couldn't help it. this part of my life everything made my blood boil. my mother was sitting at top throne of that fucking trigger mate. Fucking hell the way I always hold shit in with her just takes me soo mad I can’t even explain. All my nerves will explode and I could die. 

My fucking 7 year old shit of a little cunt sister pissed me off as well too. Several times today. I was watching tv during the time my mum made me come down and make somosas while she was also talking on the phone like I said. I wanted her to just leave bc I couldn’t hear the tv and she also made us minimise the volume. The fucking nerve. Anyway I make her leave when there’s not much left to do with the somosas now. I switch to the plus one channel bc I wanna watch the whole royal programme again hearing every word of it and I can get what I wanted out of today finally. But noooooo now this little cunt who refused to leave the room now too kept making a million loud and unnecessary fucking noises and I was just so astonished at how she was so capable at making so many annoying sounds with her presence. How can she make that much noise in front of my eyes and why were they so heightened. They were bangs and shuffles and paper crunch and jar closing noises. Like I told her several times nicely to stop! I can’t hear the tv. And already bc I have to speak out to her underdeveloped brain I was again missing the programme. 

Mums in my room now calmly, like usual utters make sure you put it blah blah so they don’t end up somehow back in the dirty laundry and omdssss it was like bitch why the fuck are you even talking since you came up. I’m mad rn and you’re bursting my fucking bubble again. I was hanging on by a fucking thread and could have gone to bed mad with all that shit I was feeling about her but noooo she came up talking in such a calm manner while I'm so mad and dying the fuck inside. And calm talk when I’m fucking mad coming from the person I’m mad at and especially from my mother again pisses me of like a knife to the gut. My anger and level of resentment it ain’t normal so don’t tp me over the fucking edge but ya did didn't ya! these days breathing even pisses me off so imagine my mother fs. Anyways she now says to me in a subtle manner don’t be angry and just like that, I’ve lost it. I just said something automatically back. I said WHY YOU ALWAYS IN MY STUFF she goes.. who? I say YOUUUU, DONT EVER TOUCH MY SHIT AND STAY OUT IF IT WHY YOU ALWAYS TOUCHING IT AND DONT EVER TOUCH WHATVER IS MINE IN MY ROOM AGAIN Like I’m so mad man bc wtf when I entered my room beforehand I knew instantly shit was touched. My resentment mingled with emotions of anger is mega mega heavy when my shits touched by anyone. Especially this little shit and my mum bc that’s when shit goes missing, things are mistaken for rubbish and then things are misplaced. I don’t like that shit. I don’t. I don’t like it. It pisses me off in a different way. Do not touch my shit. Like noooo I don’t carrrreeee, if you think it’s rubbish I don’t caaaree leavveeeeee it motherfuckering alooooneeee. I don’t care if there’s a dead rat laying in the centre of my room. Do. not. fucking. move. it. My mum yeah comes in and does what she likes. I noticed some things that were different from last I saw it and something that didn’t mean much that I kept she threw away the other day and I picked it up again bc I could have added it to a rubbish collection of mine and today it’s gone again. Are you dumbbbbbb when I noticed that amongst a couple other things like earlier she had my sibling bring down a handful of my Nike socks to put in the wash FUCK SAKE what? Fuckk off now, no! Do nooot dooo that! OMDS fs I was so mad and agitated I don’t like it man like I don’t I could cry. I can’t tell you why it deeply bothers me but it does so please do not touch my shit fucking hell! I don’t care if it’s dirty. I’ll handle it bc I literally decide when to take it down for a wash and until I make that decision and you done it for me? no that's not okay. idk why I get this deep angered feeling man but just fuck off. Then a mention from her the other day saying why do I keep my room so junked with condiments shoved with shit inside, like keep less. And that came about in my head during all this madness so that added to today’s events and why in a burst of anger I said why do you touch my stuff etcetera. She never said nothing and just went down because she knew I was mad now. To her over nothing but to me over fucking everything. It’s a whole days worth of built up anger man and I don’t have the will to go on telling you everything on why I’m mad toward you bc I’ll breakdown form it all and I really don’t want to bc you happen to be my fucking mother and I don’t like later regretting the very true shit I’d say in this state. But it kills not to as I  bottle it up and feel the pain of these unsaid things. better me than you though. 

I balled my eyes out just before writing all this bc I was angry I could not. Got that fucking pain in my neck from holding back the cry. Like reading through it sounds like why did I get so mad and cry about it all. But it was a whole days worth of built up anger and other little things through out so I stood there then in my room for a moment then with all the anger and mean words inside me that I wanted to say out loud that I couldn’t therefore didn’t. I was just feeling it all. Then my dad came up saying whats up, am I mad and stuff like tell me. I kept saying nothing and that each time he said something to me. Bc obviously he heard my tantrum thrown at my mum. Heck the whole house heard. I didn’t scream or yell thaaat loud but it was me in the house who was being angry and throwing a fit today. So yeah after dad left my room door almost closed I sat and I cried silently. I just hate so many things about my mum man. I don’t even think hate is the right word. I just don't wanna be her anything. She is what makes me tick most. The things she says to me about all things and even about me. Like I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. If I hear it I just get mad I don’t get hurt. or maybe I do get hurt and subliminal ignore the hurt and instantaneously replace it with emotion of severe anger with a lot of resentment. Like it just bothers me I can’t be myself bc she’ll throw the biggest fit and occasionally cry bc you’ll feel so shameful of your daughter being anyway that you don’t want or approve of. Like that’s why i hide so much of me already and have to leave the house before she catches a glimpse of me and come home making sure the same thing. I tread carefully around my mum bc she will throw the ugliest and meanest fits that I cannot allow her to feel or cause vibes in the house bc of. Like it’s too much. So if there’s anything I can do to help that than I will hide and be who I am. It’s all so complicated man. last thing I did was get up before getting in bed and slam my door shut so she can hear know I'm maaaad. it felt good. Hope it have her a shock. 

Like idek why I run to my blog. I just had to let it all out somewhere and I hadn’t cried in forever so that was something.

I’m fucking hungry too. I barely ever eat and there’s nothing to eat. Nothing appetises me at all

Fuck I still feel shit

[ijustwant2write]

Drama On Set-Marco Ilso x Reader

(GIF credits to owner)

Masterlist

Summary: requested by anonymous: ‘Could you do a Marco ilso imagine where reader is a actress and co worker of his in Vikings. She plays the love interest of halfdan and Marco gets jealous bc they have a sex scene. Thank you :3’

Characters: Marco Ilso x Reader

Meanings: (Y/N)= Your name

Warnings: Arguing, slight mentions of sexual themes (?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I sat in my trailer, digging into my food at long last. It had been a long day of filming, there were a lot of fight scenes that needed to be done today, so it was nice to finally sit down. Just as I had really settled into my chair, there was a knock on the door. Too lazy to answer, I called out for the person to come in, hoping I wasn’t being called back to set already. As the door opened, I instantly felt relief when I saw Marco walk in.

“Thank god it’s you, I thought I was being called back.” I hummed as I continued to shove food in my mouth.

He laughed at my greediness.“I think we’re done for the day. Are you doing anything tonight?”

“Nope. You?”

“Well, seeing as we’re both being boring people, I suppose I should invite you over to my place.”

There was always flirting within our conversations, it was something I looked forward to when we came to work. We had started on the same season, and being the newbies (along with the other boys) we stuck by each other. There was always something between us, I never wanted to make the first move; we were co-workers, it had to remain professional.

“You make it sound like you have to invite me.” I teased.

He smiled, looking down at his feet.“Are you coming or not?”

“Course I am. Can’t miss out on one of our nights in.”

After shooting one last scene, we were finally done for the day. It took me a while to get changed our of my dress and undo the braids in my hair but I was soon on my way home. However, there was no time to rest as I had to get ready for Marco. I needed to look like I was trying for him but also not too much…was I over thinking this? Yes, I totally was.

For some reason I was hesitating outside Marco’s door, my hand in mid air as I refrained from knocking. What was wrong with me tonight? We always hung out, this wasn’t out of the ordinary. Perhaps it was because I had been thinking about him much more than usual, tired of the same routine. Although I loved our time together, I wanted it to go further but never had the courage to do so. Shaking myself out of this state, I finally knocked on the door, jumping slightly when the door swung open immediately.

I blushed.“Were you standing there the whole time?”

“Would you believe me if I said no?” he shyly commented back, letting me in.

Jumping onto my spot on the couch, I kicked my shoes off as Marco sat beside me. He was quiet, normally he would kick off the conversation or offer to get me drinks.

“You ok?” I asked.

He wouldn’t look at me.“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.” I switched positions so I could face him straight on.“Come on, what’s wrong?”

“Have you uh…” Marco stood up, heading towards his kitchen but shouting back to me.“Have you read the script for tomorrow?”

“Course I have, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.” I tried to keep a light tone to my voice.

“So you know about your love scene?”

The dreaded 'love’ scene. My character played Halfdan’s love interest, something no one saw coming to the show but it took an interesting route. The fans seemed to love the romance between them which kept on blossoming through the season. However, as most relationships go, they were about to have a night of passionate sex, one of the most awkward things an actor had to do.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be weird, but it happens to all actors at some point. You’d already done them!”

Marco appeared with our drinks, sitting down beside me again.“I know but don’t you feel…”

“Feel? Feel like what?”

“Forget it.”

“Marco, you’ve never been this quiet before. What’s going on?”

“It doesn’t matter, really.”

“Of course it does! Come on, don’t piss me off.”

“You haven’t taken notice before, why would you now?” his tone had changed to something more snappy, angry even.“I don’t even know why I invited you over, I knew this was a stupid idea.”

“Can you actually talk to me? This isn’t a drama piece.”

“No because it’s complicated.” he shot up to stand.

“Then explain it! Honestly, you’re making this harder than it needs to be.

"Why should I? I’ll just ruin everything, I can’t risk that.”

“Marco, stop talking in riddles. Help me understand what’s going on.” Marco remained silent. I waited a few moments, wondering if he was actually going to start speaking again. When he didn’t, I let out a groan, grabbed my bag and shoes before storming towards the door.

“Whatver has gotten into you, I suggest that you leave it here before you come on set tomorrow. I don’t want you ruining anyone’s scenes.” I yelled back, slamming the door to make a point.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I had hardly got any sleep that night. All I did was toss and turn as my head filled up with what happened at Marco’s place. I was there barely five minutes as we argued, something must have really riled him up. What if it was something to do with work? Maybe friends? Or family?! Something terrible could be happening to him and I didn’t even bother to help him. It must have sounded like a telenovela to the neighbors.

With sleep still in my system, I made my way to work, hoping I could catch a quick nap whilst the hair and makeup team worked on me. Strangely, Marco avoided me for the whole day; this only baffled me because everyone always seemed to bump into each other no matter what you were filming. This was taking up too much space, I wasn’t performing well that day, one of the most important shoots of my character’s story, it had to be perfect.

As the set team started to prepare the set for my most passionate scene of the season, I retreated to my trailer once again, trying to get my head in the game. I knew the director was beginning to get annoyed, so was I. Bloody Marco and his bloody emotions…Why did he have such an effect on me? And why did we have to argue the night before my big scene? Still in a state of mental preparation, knocking on my trailer door ruined my focus, making me angry.

“What? What is it?” I snapped as I flung the door open.

My eyes landed on Marco but I had no time to even breathe before he stepped in, grabbing my body and pulling it in to his. He bent down so his lips could reach mine as he kissed me passionately, I took no time in responding to these actions.

“There, there’s your answer.” Marco breathed out as we stopped.

“Answer? For what?” I asked breathless.

“For last night, why I was so angry. I don’t want you doing that sex scene.”

“Why?”

“Do I need to explain?”

“Please, just so I know I’m not hallucinating.”

“There’s always been a thing between us, we both know that. I…I just didn’t want to act on it in case it went wrong and this all became awkward.”

“Same here.”

“So…so you’ve felt the same this whole time?”

“Yeah, just been too shy to say so.”

“I mean, I have to admit, seeing you angry was kinda hot.”

I smiled.“Marco, stop it. You should have told me, I felt so bad.”

“I know, I know. It was hard.”

“But kissing me was easy?”

“More of an impulse.” He shrugged.

“I still have to do that scene.”

He sighed.“I know you’ll be amazing.”

“That’s a bit of a weird compliment for this situation, but thank you.”

“How long do you have before you’re needed?”

“Enough time to spend with you.”

[stemcellee]

update

have not heard from lab professor regarding the lab assistant position yet and it’s really bothering me because he said he would get back to me by the end of the week and it is now sunday night. 

i reALLY want to know if i got the job or not because if i didn’t get it, then i want to apply to other jobs

also i havent gotten my financial aid package yet and that pisses me off because I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I AM PAYING so i have to call the office BUT I CANT CALL THEM UNTIL TUESDAY AT LIKE NOON OR WHATVER IDK and then they’re just going to put me on hold for like 6048452 hours before I get to talk to someone, and even then all they’re gonna say is “it’s coming soon” and then I’ll check “later” and it wont be there and then I’ll have to CALL AGAIN and I’m just worried because payment is due very freaking soon

and then the TB blood test i took like a week and a half ago is supposed to be released 5 business days after and it’s been longer and I NEED that test to be released already so I can bring it to the MANDATORY volunteer check in for UCLA health omfashj

anyways studybuddy has been telling me i worry too much and i know I do. I don’t know how to not worry. I’m worried about my foreign language req that isn’t even relevant until next year. 

I worry so much about the future that im afraid im missing out on the present.

also im scared im going to annoy the shit out of studybuddy because of all the worrying i do (i’ve literally pissed off other people before because i’m too worrisome and too inclined to being busy) IM LITERALLY WORRIED THAT MY WORRYING IS GOING TO ANNOY HIM

k that was a rant. I’m worried about my life in general all the time.

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Finding Your True Self in the Quantum Field - A Personal Log (Timeless)

This is just something personal that I had to log here, you don’t actually have to read this one if you’ve been to the post that came before this. Again, I mostly write stuff for myself, in the event that I need a reminder, a refresher on how much I have grown and still need to grow into. It’s hard to be my own cheerleader but at least, even for a bit, I am now getting a hang of this awakening and ascension thingy. Sure, it’s still a welcome idea to receive feedback or good vibes from others, but I am all about empowerment, and doing that by yourself, for yourself, is simply the expression of the greatest love of all: Learning to love yourself.

Alrighty then, personal explicit sh** after the cut. Jump at  your own risk, I am not liable if this post triggers you lol

And if you’re still reading this, it’s all on you lol

I gave plenty of warnings that this is pretty much raw, unstructured and full of cussing so don’t complain or go tl;dr or so help me glob arrrgh

OK now that’s out of the way...

I initially felt a strong need to make this post actually, not make the previous post about quantum jumping. But hey, the universe works in mysterious ways, so maybe that one can reach out to those who actually needed a new lease in life. And now that I’ve written that one, it’s time to let this one out. For myself, should I lose my way again, and maybe for other people who are still feeling trapped in this annoying AF 3D reality full of anger, fear, pain, worry, disease, and all the low vibrational crap that actually, are being released and healed out of the mass consciousness.

I’m not operating on an egoistic standpoint here, I mean, really, I have no right to tell people what to do or how they should feel, they’re already of legal age, I’m just here to give suggestions, alternate ways of thinking, really crazy ideas that might just give the appropriate results. Or just simply tickle the imaginations of people, at the very least. Other than that, I am only here to bring forth the love from the universe, the infinte realm of all possibilities, the energies channeling from the quantum fields that cross all boundaries of time, space, dimensions, realities, timelines, lifetimes, and all that razzmatazz lol

But even though I lol at that, to be honest, I was not in the best place in my life, for quite a while, since the year started. Yeah, sure, I did my best at distracting myself, escaping what needs to be done, and by the middle of April I felt even worse than last year, to think I thought that the worst parts of my life was over... Here comes PANDEMIC-CHAN.. Sheesh.. 

Well, that lead to more contractions, more depressive states, darker thoughts aka wanting to escape the physical body... And I haven’t even started with the material stuff yet. Let’s just say that this year’s Dark Night of the Soul has also merged with the fears in the collective. I had to hold so much, not just mine, but everyone else’s. So again, I started escaping, but this time with the intent to increase my vibrations to attract something substantial and material in my life. I was really, really on the edge, and hunger was looming over my head. I didn’t want to get hungry, that brings back so much pain from the past, I didn’t just felt deprived of love and warmth, I was hungry a lot, as a child, and I have yet to heal that part of myself completely. Plus the fact that I got even further derailed from what I was supposed to be doing aka the spiritual ascension thingy stuff..

But I told myself that maybe, this time around, I have to let the universe help me, to be the receiver of gifts. This was one hard decision I had trouble letting go of: FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. If I could only believe that the unknown bears more gifts, maybe I could have opened myself to better opportunities, more choices, more love... But no, I just kept distracting myself, in any way that I can. I was a dumbass, all the way until something knocked me off of that trajectory.

For some weird reason, despite the heat, I was called to do something random:

Collecting flowers from the yard. Just one type though, a weird hibiscus flower that blooms yellow in the morning until noon, then becomes orange and finally red in the late afternoon. This was around the middle of April, and my back pain was back in full swing, the flareup was incredible but since I’m fully aware of what it was, I figured out that I just needed an outlet for all that pent-up energy. And slowly but surely, my back pain started becoming bearable, I could stoop down and pick the tiny flowers, plop them in a little bowl, and add that to my quarters.

Sure, it wasn’t much, but with each day that I did it, something amazing happened for me.

I began reconnecting with nature, in a way that felt like I was a toddler again. Dragonflies started popping up, butterflies started stopping by my passionflower vines (RIP that plant, it died due to a fungal pathogen T_T), I started getting attuned to my dogs again, and somehow, I started cultivating a sense of peace.

It was that moment when I realized that... After all this time, I always had a choice on how to be happy. And even though I was in a lot of 3D problems, I still had a choice, to be happy with even the smallest of things. So I figured out, if I can’t be happy with the large stuff, I’ll just be happy and grateful for what I have. A roof over my head, food to eat, pets to love, friends that actually keep in touch even once a year, internet connection, and getting to eat junk food even once a week. For some people these may sound mundane, but looking back, me being in a depressive state and doing my best to enjoy these things, in a way, I was able to get some sort of happiness in my life. I mean, sure, I could do with more stuff but with whatver I had in that moment, I just did my best to relish everything.

It felt weird and it was out of my comfort zone. I constantly wanted to seek thrills, new experiences, all the stuff I wanted in my misspent youth. Yet here I was, gathering flowers in the evenings, looking at the stars at night, and getting tiny heartquakes seeing a shooting star slice through the night sky. I give zero fucks for sounding dramatic there, but honestly, I was already at the point of no return. 

I suddenly had the strong urge to be my truest self. Including the parts that I had to suppress because other people didn’t like them.

That includes the dramatic, overly-emotional piece of yandere shit that sent my ex off flying. Too bad for him though, he thought I was a tsun-tsun(dere) for a long time, and now that I think about it, the disgusted and disappointed look on his face when he realized and told me I wasn’t tsun-tsun, I was a fucking yandere, bwahahaha that just hit the nail on the coffin for me. We weren’t meant to be together for so long. I wasn’t the tsun-tsun aloof and cold-hearted merciless girl I tried to be for the world, I was a weakass bitch, a bulldozer that ran over anything that stood in my way, an insecure moron who readily gives in to emotions which, I later found out was just my natural tendency to be empathic towards other people, so in a way, my psychic senses were still functioning properly despite all that anxiety that was running through my veins.

Speaking of psychic, I wasn’t even aware that I still had my gifts. I just thought that reading the pasts of people were normal and then blurting them out randomly was a fun way of breaking the ice with strangers. But after having to do that again, in various settings, with different people, I just had to accept that what I thought were psychic gifts, the normal stuff that mass media shows to the public, were not what I thought they would be. I got the subtle-ended stick, no seeing of spirits with my actual eyes, rather, I was feeling the deemahns of other people. I was seeing them for who they truly are, without filter, and I was just acting out accordingly. So whether I rubbed them the right or wrong way, either way, it was a way of uncovering the layers of masks that they wore, until they finally show their truest selves without any hesitation.

This made me feel like I was born to be an agent of chaos, which shouldn’t be a bad thing since chaos is an actual entity: it’s the darkness where everything comes from, the void of the unknown, the endless realm of all possibilities, which does not follow any kind of order known to man whatsoever. The cradle of everything that ever was, and ever shall be.

I still feel horrible for doing so, but at the same time I have also come to accept that at some point, people should just live their lives in their best truth, to be who they are, and even if I was able to allow people to be who they truly are and accept them as is, I was very stingy with myself.

And after that, I started getting angry again. With myself, with the universe, with the higher realms.

I was still, and yet have to get my own breakthrough. I was still feeling cooped up, constricted, choked up, my heartsong was still left unsung. But then again, I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS.

Why am I even here at this point?

I’m not here to just watch people succeed. I deserve that shit for myself too, damn it.

And, well, the need to get somewhere, anywhere became super strong. I came back to doing what I thought I did well at: Studying lol But really, I started reviewing my N4 materials, and after several months of just staring at them, I just tried studying, reviewing, with the intent to regain the skills I lost due to life happening for me. I finally understood more from the notes. What I learned felt a lot more rich, I wasn’t just cramming to pass an exam, I was learning this language, with the hopes that I could not only talk to other people, but to bring out the gifts of these people out into the world.

I don’t give a fuck if the fetuses would call me weeb at this point, do I look like I even care? They can’t shame me out of existence, the boomers never could in the past, so why would I even let these future boomer 2.0′s do that to me? I was trained to be bold and shameless for such a purpose lol

Well not all of them are like that, but some are just so judgmental so I had to put that wall up. Mostly to assert my rights to be what I want to be, it’s not like I kill or hurt people living this kind of life. 

So again... Moving back to the topic of finding myself in the quantum field...

I started re-living my life when I was still taking Japanese language classes.. I didn’t just enjoyed and engaged with the learning process, I also found valuable lessons with my classmates. Turns out that as long as I KNOW I can, I don’t mind doing something alone. Some people just die even thinking of doing a solo hobby, and here I was, opening up to something that I haven’t done before: go to a class where I didn’t know anybody. I ended up enjoying that journey, like literally I had to take a 5-hour bus ride one way just to go to that 3-hour class, then go home again, so I basically travelled a total of 10 hours, once a week, for 6 months.

That gave me just enough energy to properly study my old material. I got to relearn things that I have forgotten, and that gave me a sense of accomplishment. So I started translating in... Japanese livestream chatboxes. A thankless job, which I did to improve my listening skills. Turns out I ended up in mostly Kansai-dialect streams, so not only did I became sensitive to differences in inflections but also in conjugations of verbs and whatnot. That was a fleeting yet memorable experience, and the only thing that made me stop was getting tired all the time lol

So after about 2 months I stopped doing it, though I still watch raw stuff every now and then to brush up, and I focused mostly on translating texts, because Kanji scares the shit out of me. I mean, that has been my waterloo ever since I discovered the SKIP method some 17 years ago. So my next focus was to learn as much Kanji as I could, even just the basic meaning of each one. In a way, bit by bit, I started building up the skills I needed to properly translate texts. I guess it went OK, so I was able to build up my comprehension skills from 20% to about 50%. Not bad, just enough to enjoy raw texts.

I just kept this momentum of following what I instinctly wanted to do, and I know that it has served me well as a child, so I figured maybe I can make that work for me. In the weirdest of ways, it did. I suddenly felt that I could at least see some chances for me to get someplace, wherever that was. Even though the road seems bleak, I could see something far beyond, and that helped me get up each day, even though I was dead-tired all the time.

By the time that June has ended, I felt like I lived yet another lifetime doing stuff I didn’t know I could do. I think it was also around that time that I started gaining confidence on going online in Tetris 99, and getting to at least top 20 consistently, even though I could only do Tetris clears and making T-spins was such a bitch lol Say what you want to say, but I don’t like straining my eyes so me choosing to start playing something like that, I guess I felt a bit better about myself. I didn’t learn the whole thing as fast as I wanted to be, and I have yet to get Tetris Maximus in Invictus Mode because I kept dying at #2 but the fact that I actually built some sort of self-confidence that I can learn something new, it felt refreshing for me. Maybe next year I’d have more confidence with Super Smash Bros lol just kidding that game hurt my eyes so much I don’t know if I can, right now. My eyes are very important to me so I do my best to take care of them. Also they don’t have Pancake boi in there bahahaha

When July came around, everything felt like a blur. I was doing so much stuff at the same time, I was just in a flurry with everything, and I was becoming more hopeful despite the COVID stats on the news. Well, I do have a background on epidemiology so I didn’t panic much. I did my best to send Reiki though, even though I felt dead-tired and drained a lot. I just opened up to the infinite realms, and at that time, I had no idea it was the right moment to do that. Turns out that there has been a great Karmic release around July, so all of the excess baggage that needs to be freed were coming up to the surface. My abandonment issues kept popping up so I went from there, and I felt the heavens open up.

Yeah, sure, there were days I kept crying while doing active meditations but I did my best to clear as much as I can at the time. It felt amazing when I was able to release that much suppressed shit in my body. My stomach started feeling better, I improved my breathing, and I saw that my face was becoming more and more relaxed. I’d even do finger guns in front of the mirror because I was feeling myself a lot. My depressed and insecure self could have been so appalled that it shut up lol but I was in the zone, I never felt so alive and free. Yet I was still stumpy, squishy, soft and rounded on the outside. In the eyes of society, I was still undesirable, an outlier to what is deemed “beautiful”. But I was already at a point where I just don’t care anymore, I’m beautiful no matter what, so suck it, society lol

This lead to more weird events, the best and weirdest so far was channeling my departed friends. Ghost month was about to set in but I totally forgot about that, so it felt weird when I started seeing the smiling faces of my friends. Except for that one who rarely did, we always argued about anything else other than work or tasks when he was still alive. But ever since he joined my spiritual team, he has always been frowning, always, for 17 years. He was aloof, he stayed away from me. He always wore that sad look on his face, the last day I saw him alive. I thought he should have been happy, he has a pretty girl beside him that seemed to be so glad and stuff. But his reaction when he saw me happily skipping like the dumbass that I was, it was very unnerving, and to this day it still haunts me like hell. Sometime after that, I was talking to my “twin brother” (we were both born on the same day and year lol) and he subtly hinted something about that other dude, that he hates me or something. Again, I felt unsettled because despite the fact that twin bro was normally honest about things, he kept this one to himself. Of course, I didn’t ask what it was about, I just sniffed the air and knew what it was. I hated what info came through and just denied that shit all the way through.

The information that came then, was the same one that the departed dude started yelling at me, and I didn’t expect it. I was having fun with the other dead peeps lol and at some point this guy just blurted out stuff, that I was meant to know when he was still alive. I feel horrified, because I didn’t want to know those things. But no, he just had to say it out loud. Aside from other stuff that he didn’t dare admit when he was still alive, he didn’t want me to get together with that other guy, who is now my ex. From the other side of the veil, he has been giving me signs, not to fall for this guy. He was steering me off-course, but to no avail. I wasn’t the best thinker at that time, I was insecure about myself, I was pretending to be someone else, and because like attracts like, I ended up with someone who as also pretending to be someone else. That shit was so messed up but now that I think about it, I still exercised my free will, and part of that was actually Karmic so maybe that’s one reason why despite the warnings, I went ahead. I had no regrets now, even though that entire relationship has yet to be cleared out of my body. But at least I have so much hope now, knowing that my dearly departed peeps are just over there, eating my junk food and plopping on my bed along with my guides. And also, I have more hope than ever before that in this lifetime, I’ll find my true north node partner, even though the thought of getting into a relationship and getting married to that guy still scares the shit out of me. I’m just opening myself up to the heavens, to the divine realms, to the infinite possibility fields of the quantum universe. Where time does not exist.

I guess my strangest breakthrough was the eve that Ghost month was going to end. I was at my lowest, I was feeling so much pain, because I caused pain to someone else. It was a heartbreak on a soul level, and words just couldn’t describe the pain that I felt, and how much pain I caused to this person. That part was my own undoing, and I do not expect that person to ever forgive me for being brash and overly-bulldozing. I was really, really doing my best to stay together, at that point. I was losing grip, starting to fall back on the dark thoughts, and yet somehow, I did one thing different:

I dared the universe to show me how much I was loved, how much I was worthy, to give back to me all of the love that I ever put forth ten fold, a hundred fold, a million fold, to make me feel that I am so deserving of all the gifts and blessings of the divine realms. I just needed one step, one instruction on what to do.

It wasn’t much, I just needed to listen to the radio for an hour. OK, cool, I have been doing that a lot for a while now. So listen to the radio I did. And then, it felt like a chilling breeze, I felt so much energetic surge, it was so surreal. I felt so much love, energetic hugs, I felt I was being squished and I was loving it. Mind you, I was just lying down and listening to songs, but it felt so real, I don’t know how to react, so I just gave in. And then, flashes of my life living at the foot of a dormant volcano started popping up. It didn’t even include living with the ex, it was the sum total of all the times I ever gave away my love, and me receiving that love in so many ways, shapes, and forms. I felt ecstatic. For an entire hour, the dense energies of regret and sorrow got flushed out of me. I felt even more hopeful, more tingly, more giddy, it was definitely something new. 

I was still on a high for about an hour more after that experience. Sure, I still had vivid dreams, and my sleep was still insufficient, but I had enough energy to wake up still feeling so much joy, despite the fact that I did stupid things. I felt no regret, I felt so clear, I felt that I was being my authentic self. And that was so unsettling, I was used to the dark, of feeling like an endless pit full of sorrow and pain, yet less than half of that remains. I don’t know what came over me, and weirdly, my departed peeps started cooling down. Due to Ghost month ending? Me getting a breakthrough somehow? I really don’t know but they seem to be in good shape despite decreasing the racket lol

I wanted more of this nice stuff so I asked the universe how to make more similar experiences. I was told to do the same thing, just listen to the radio, but this time choose what songs I wanted to hear. So I did, I wanted to feel pretty, wanted, loved, cuddled, all that disgustingly-gooey romantic crap that I never got to have because I kept denying to myself that I love that trash. But now that I have fully accepted that gooey, icky, yandere-dere part of me, the energy that coursed through me was really strong, I felt that the energetic hug got so tight I thought my soul was gonna pop out. But no, it didn’t. I got maxed out with the tingles though lol

And this part where I deliberately chose what to listen to became rather amusing yesterday. I was tuning in to one radio station as I was sending Hooponopono to the friend that I caused pain to, to help clear the energies off, and then flashes of my miraculous encounters when I watched Goo Goo Dolls live three years ago started popping up in my head. All of a sudden, this song came up on the radio and I had a laugh. It wasn’t my absolute fave, but it was a classic. Three songs and two stations later, I switched and lo and behold, this song came up again. I was like what the fuck is this lololol It was like the universe was telling me what I was thinking exactly and I lol-ed more.

I had that much mindless fun in the afternoon, and I was about to let that whole incident slide, and I would have if this song didn’t came up on the radio again later in the night, yet another station. It shook me deep inside, and I asked the universe, is this mine or someone else’s? The answer is yet to be known. And however the answer comes to me, I am scared of whichever way that goes.

I wish I could say that these were all just stuff in my head, but they weren’t. Even more so when I had the same stuff happen, consecutively, with yet��another song. I felt even more uncomfortable, and it doesn’t help that my forehead starts feeling cold despite my thick bangs covering most of it. I’m scared, but at the same time, I am still doing my best in opening up to the infinite realms of the universe. And still willing to receive the energetic hugs, headpats, and cheek pinches from the quantum field. That doesn’t calm down the nerves though lol but hey, at least I know where to get the stuff to fill my needs, even if it’s just a day at a time. I don’t know where I’ll go to from here, but at least I now have an idea on how to move forward, one way or another, and for that, I am truly grateful.

I used to think that I was cursed to be slow in manifesting what I wanted in all areas of life, but when I started dealing with these energies from the quantum field, it was uncannily fast. This was the proof that I needed to tell myself that I had that power within me, to remind myself of who I was. I was a being of pure love from Source, who came here to channel the unconditional love from the cradle of life towards those who needed it the most.

And I’m writing this to remind myself through the passage of time, that even though right now, I have less than what I would want myself to be, I am counting on the fact that because I am still within the field of infinite possibilities, I am worthy enough to be and have whatever I wanted. I just need to go home, back to who I really am, and owning that part of myself because I am worth it.

Lastly, I write this for everyone who feels like they’re losing their way, because it’s easy to forget where we needed to go. Please know this: There’s no right or wrong way to live your life, just be who you are meant to be, and live that kind of life without hurting any other, including yourself. You were placed on this planet to bring miracles to an otherwise desolate piece of rock, and you deserve all the magic that the universe holds for you.

You are loved, so much more than you can imagine, and it’s time to tap into that birth right we were all meant to have.

Love and hugs, fam.

[facelessdreamer]

Fuck I’m just really feeling things man

God I feel so upset, or is that I’m genuinely not in the mood. I’m unhappy this very moment. It’s been slightly over an hour I think. A lot of shuffling from place to place has happened within that duration. Something which is not a bad thing but unusual for me as I don’t leave my house at all unless it’s essential. Fgs I postponed my interview dates several times already because I didn’t wanna leave but always pictured the process of the interviews going down however. So that meant I was hopeful to go to them soon but it was always a just not now so let me make that not happen thing. Funny, today I’m gonna postpone another upcoming interview. I just can’t. I want to but I can’t. I’m never ready. Everything’s always rushed even when there’s time and there’s never time so mostly it’s always just rushed. I do it to me. I do it all to me, the lateness, the no sleep, all the other wrong things in me I do it. Knowingly, purposely with all the control that I have yet so uncontrollably I do it. Anyways fuck off, you see how I just drift off to some next shit when I’m trying to say the thing I came here to say? Yeah my mind just does that and I have to have it written before it flies out and it always flies out then I feel a bad feeling bc I let that happen. I’m all about trying to better myself and do all the things that I want so I’m not slightly upset or frustrated or sad or whatver the bad fuck I am when something doesn’t go right. And I only talk about the little personal things that build me up as a person really. Not common human habits or factors. Just them personal me things that don’t go right. And look I did it the fuck again. Off track and onto some other invalid valid point ...smh. Anyways yeah I came here just to get it out about today. Nothing at all dramatic. But just me. I had an interview today I had to go to as my lie to postpone it favoured a solution I had to go with and so a reschedule wasn’t possible so I spent the whole of yesterday and last night till the sun rose coming closer to completing my portfolio pages. I didn’t even come close to finish. I am so disappointed in me for wasting my talent and potential like this. I have so much to do and show man. I spend all my time doing nothing. I am still the same old girl who is still doing shit she’s not supposed to last minute. Will I ever fucking change? I can’t even change that one vital thing about me. How am I gonna change in other major ways I want huh? Another thing, why the fuck can I always construct and bend sentences together perfectly in my head but the second I blurt it out I sound like a fucking amateur. Well to me anyway. You are your biggest critique after all. Soooo back to today, lemme get straight to the point now yeah it got deep on that Uber ride home. I was sleepy and hadn’t realised it till the journey was sadly ending. It was a sad factor and it was sunny but I was down so that made me feel less, the interview was not what I expected. So Let’s backtrack a little tho. I had good morning, I was doing my portfolio, gave up on time and cleaned up the shithole of a mess on the floor of my room and had a shower, got out in time to decide what to wear and my first outfit banged so good I’m planning on wearing it to all my interviews and next group outing. I’m still sitting here writing in it. Relating to this I was super sad bc all I wanted was an outfit picture, it was sunny and any place was a bomb background for this outfit bc it was central area. But no one exists that can take a picture of me in places. God send me someone like that. (God my eyes are doing that tired wanting to close thing) I haven’t had an all-nighter in ages. These days I eventually fall asleep at 8 or 9 am or whatver but I still sleep. All-nighters have me all good and energised in the peak of mornings still. Till afternoon when things quieten down and humans settle in the day or if it comes to to mid point of whatever it kicks in. And so on the way home it kicked in.

It was about ten past four bc that’s when my Uber finally arrived. Fucking cunt had to cancel the first one bc he literally was lost and he was always getting the fuck further and further away from destination point. I was lost too with heavy big ass portfolio folders I carried side from side having to walk in all kinds of directions till I found the place. Talk about being a tourist in your own city. Man was i lost. Anyhoo the guy was dodging my calls too, he was in the fucking car so how could pretend to not hear it call. Ring ring birch it’s ya customer answer the fucking phone. I was just getting vexed now bc I called three times and it took 25 seconds for it to dial wtf and with no answer ever. I was just finally standing there at location waiting for this bastard till finally i cancelled and got another Uber. He came like 15 after I confirmed but at least I was notified and I’d know this is how it is. Don’t just fuck up akd have me waiting tf I don’t have time to waste motherfuxker. Even though it was lovely out, young people and couples walking by and around. It was a nice place to be in and chill and just bloody be. A place I’d never seen and just taking in the nice light and parts of what my eyes saw all around me. It was lovely. But I was too annoyed to indulge. I chilled and texted my girl for a short bit and whatver I said last and I got no response and that was one thing I was thinking about on the drive home too. It was weighing me down with all the other things I was feelings. Especially the interview not going amazing. It was adequate af and not that I had expectations I just wasn’t overall pleased with it. Everyone else in the group had better answers than me and a lot more to say compared to the lot of bullshit that came out of me. The course was for them. I realised in that room sitting in the group interview how much this course wasn’t for me. These people knew what to say and what to talk about. I said all the wrongs things and talked differently to them all about the same subject and my words weren’t fitting in as well as the rest of the group. People were pleasant and it was all good with human connection. That was all good. It was just the questions that I couldn’t answer bc this wasn’t a particular interest like it was to them all. But it is my second choice if I don’t get into the top notch uni that I want to get into. I’d be happy to do this course nonetheless but I’m so many ways I doubt it. I can’t specifically say what exactly put me in a bad mood.,,... on wait I remember. It was just the way the other girls and that gay drag dude were all talking. They were saying all the things I think and say but like said before when I open my mouth the words in my head don’t come out. Some version that’s not as high as it should be comes out and they were all smart talkers to me and I just want to talk better like they can and it just bothers me that I can’t say all that I want to. This is because I literally forget anything I ever wanted to say and say basic shit summed up. I can only do anything I’m writing tbh.

I’ll come back to finish this. I been here too long. It’s gotten darker and slightly cold now