#i hate the psychological burden of feeling like i am morally corrupt and deeply stupid if i would prefer to pay for a standardized known

[unopenablebox]

complaining online more. just whining

i kind of want to like. rent? a rigid heddle? so i can spend a month figuring out if using it normally gives me Diseases or not? and then decide if i need a different kind of loom/shouldn't weave/am content with the fabric-making and patterning capacities of a small lap loom without harnesses. however. im not sure i can do that feasibly. i guess i could advertise? online? to pay someone to borrow theirs?

small rigid heddles are cheap enough secondhand that i should just buy one except all the good deals that are not obvious scams are in providence. or like, woonsocket. and on observing this i am very tempted to buy one new. this is, essentially, paying $100 in exchange for not spending 2.5 hours round trip on the train to providence. objectively probably a stupid choice, but i like exchanging money for convenience. on the other hand at that point im buying it full price even though my only experience using it is that it bruises my hand bones. which also seems stupid.

theres also a decent deal on a table loom that i could just pick up in boston. tempting bc the table loom might be better on my hands? and would let me make more interesting things. and it's not much more than a new small RH would be. except 1. it's a structo artcraft and im not sure if those are weird somehow? there's a whole thing about how they were originally toy looms? maybe it's a problem? 2. it's almost certainly going to be less portable/i might struggle getting it home on the train 3. it will need more space in my home 4. it is going to be an additional whole thing to learn to set up/warp and i don't have a warping board or whatever 5. based on the photo i kind of think it's being sold by the person i took a class from? and for whatever reason that fact suffuses me with deep awkwardness and stress even though it would surely be totally normal to buy a loom from her.

additional problem with all of this is that due to my bad nature it is going to be very hard for me to assemble all the executive function steps that result in any object that enters my house being listed for sale online and then actually leaving my house. so i shouldn't get anything that will ruin my life if i turn out not to be able to use it and then it sits in my apartment for six months

maybe i should. stop by the weaving studio again the next time i go to my nearby knitting group. and just ask the person there if she rents looms and/or is selling secondhand ones. with my terrible human mouth. and if she says no then i guess i have to decide on the spot whether im buying a new cricket from her instead or dying and never speaking to her again