#i hate myself because i have flaws. i see myself as a lazy disgusting person

[your-queer-dad]

(Vent sorry, not about queerness I just have nowhere else to say this where I'll get any sort of response)

Ive been having to deal with so much stuff lately. Like I was fine when I was in the midst of severe depression cause I didn't think I'd live very long anyways but now I need to come to terms with everything I've been ignoring for at least a year and at most my whole life. Like I'm AuDHD in a decently ableist family (middle/working class white cishet moderate leftists who think they're very progressive, you know the type) and I've had absolutely shit experiences with the people who should be helping me with that stuff (my old therapist was actively uneducated and ableist, my psychiatrist was a white cishet man in his 60s or 70s and I had to teach him what masking is and how adhd and autism present in AFAB people) which makes that really difficult in general because all my friends know I have AuDHD but I can't officially come out and say that I do because my family will deny it and tell me I'm being attention seeking and looking for excuses for being lazy and a flawed person. I also don't physically look the way I've been convincing myself I look naturally for a long time (yay anorexia recovery) and it's just messing me up a lot because when I look at my reflection I just feel visceral disgust. I'm still on the lower end of a healthy weight, but I can only see a few of my ribs now and my stomach isn't flat anymore. Everyone else says they can't notice but I feel like I've lost everything that made me good, and I'm scared that gaining weight is going to stop me from passing. I hate being with my parents and I just feel like I'm a horrible person for that, I only got hit once and other than that they're just toxic and sort of manipulative/emotionally abusive. They try their best they just can't raise me right and I feel like shit for that. I wish I could be spending more time outside, but I had a medical emergency thing on Tuesday (my mom doesn't let me call it a seizure because we don't know for sure) and I'm scared that that's going to happen again, and my constant joint pain has just gotten worse. My friends are telling me that I need to talk to a doctor about this, but the wait time for rheumatology is insane and my parents thing I'm making it up/exaggerating/looking for attention and even if they believe me they don't think it's important and worth getting help for. I'm scared that I'm going to die, last time it happened my entire body went numb and stiff and I couldn't move and I was just twitching for like 15 minutes. I also completely lost my vision before this happened, and it was greyscale/coming back slowly for the entire thing, plus I could barely hear anything. If that happens again I genuinely think that I might die. I also have scars all over my legs and chest and I have to either hide them or find some sort of explanation for them that won't make the people I work with during the summer think I'm not suited for working with kids (summer camp counseling). I spent all of last year thinking I was never going to turn 15 and now I kind of wish I hadn't.

I want to live but it's all so overwhelming and if I falter or let my parents see that I'm scared, they'll force me into the role of a small child and start treating me like a toddler or an animal like they always do. I just don't know what to do and I know it's horrible and selfish and disgusting but I just wish my mom would die. I can't live like this, it's only 3 more years but I'm just so scared. She keeps threatening me and saying I won't get into college or I'm failing high school because of how long I was out of school due to psych ward stuff even though she knows that not getting into college is my main fear- if that happens, I can't keep going. I know that I'm going to kill myself if I can't get into college. After that I'm still going to need to pay off student loans and I might not have my best friend with me (if I have him ill be okay and he says that he promises he'll try to live with me in college) and I just can't deal with that. I need to catch up on school and I need to learn to drive and then I need to get ready for my job in the summer and I need to make sure my grades are good enough for colleges to want me and I need to get people to like me and I just can't do it. I don't want to die but I feel like it's the only answer, I'm just not capable of doing this. I'm not supposed to be alive. I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Sorry about the rant you don't need to answer at all I know this is a lot

-🔆

Hey kiddo. Please please don't apologise for reaching out, I'm here for you and I'm always here for you, night and day my inbox and DMs are always open to anyone who needs to talk.

God, it sounds like you've had a rough deal. I understand where you're coming from. With parents, it's so hard when they don't do what they're supposed to do as parents and they don't understand you or believe you when you ask for help. It's awful and I am so sorry.

From the sounds of things, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, as well as all that pressure around you. As scary as the future is, it isn't going to creep up on you one day. It's tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and every single day after that. You have time to breathe and rest and do whatever you need to do. You can't do everything at once, you're only human- and expecting yourself to do everything at once only caused burn out and stress.

Also, as a person who's gone through eating disorder recovery- weight doesn't stop you from passing. I promise you it doesn't. It's a good thing! It's a sign that all the work you've done recovering has paid off. I'm proud of you.

Keep your head up kiddo, I'm so so proud of you. Remember to take care of yourself, let yourself breathe and don't expect yourself to do everything all at once. I'm here anytime you need to talk.

Love you,

- dad x

[watercolor-rainclouds]

vent art

click on the image for better quality because tumblr ruined it like always

[masterthespianduchovny]

The Poor Development of the Marauder's Era

I've recently been listening to Binge Mode and, even now, I honestly believe the Marauder's era is some of Rowling’s worst writing of the series. When I say Marauder's Era, I'm simply referring to characters and events pre Harry.

The Marauder's era isn't poorly developed because I didn't like what happened. It's poorly developed because of how Rowling handled the characters, the events she put them in, and the reaction to said events.

As a kid, I respected Lily and thought she could do no wrong. As an adult, I find her decisions questionable. For transparency purposes, I read these books in real time and was a similar age as the characters. So, I don't want to hear anything about me being "unfair." Of all of the Mauraders era kids back then, I was the most generous to Lily. It's only when I reflected more about her role in the series that I realized how lackluster she is as a character and as a friend.

Rowling relies on Lily being seen as the moral compass to signify who and what is right or wrong during this era. The problem with this is that Rowling undermines Lily in the process. Minus being flat out called Mudblood by Snape, she has no proof that Snape has done anything her friends accused him of doing, but she unequivocally views it as the truth. Despite Lily listening to Snape, it's not really in good faith because she already has her mind made up about Snape's guilt.

Now, this is important to note because since Lily hasn't seen any of Snape's alleged bad behavior for herself, why would she definitively accuse him of these things? Lily claims she was in denial about this when she ended their friendship, but it's quite obvious she does believe Snape is guilty.

What makes Lily's beliefs and choosing to side with others over Snape is that none of the Marauders have ever mentioned ONE instant of Snape doing or saying some fucked up shit. As a reminder: THEY HATED HIM. They never mentioned anything about him bullying others, calling muggles mud blood, or any other troubling behavior. It was merely because he existed. They couldn't even tie him to being a Death Eater.

Also, let's consider the fact that kids like Snape have rumors made up about them all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME. Not even Snape's own bullies could attest to Snape doing the things Lily's friends claimed Snape did, yet Lily believed their words?

And, maybe I'm being nitpicky, but the fact that Lily says "my friends" in reference to defending Snape has always rubbed me the wrong way. Snape IS her friend too. Her best friend, in fact. Why wouldn't she have said, "my OTHER friends." My Gryffindor mates or whatever? IMO, that implies that Snape is just some weirdo she talks to and not the person she's known the longest.

HOW ROWLING COULD'VE FIXED THIS:

Have Lily overhear Snape calling one of his peers Mudblood. Have the Marauders be incensed that Snape called someone a mud blood. Have them call out Lily when she tries to intervene on them confronting (confronting NOT bullying) Snape. Hell, even have Snape fucking bully someone.

Because as far as canon goes, Snape was a bystander as death eater wannabes bullied people and presumably did nothing about it. We don't see any of his alleged wrongdoings and the people who hate him can't even recall that this happened.

There shouldn't be an ambiguity or readers relying on the word and opinion of Lily to guide their opinion.

Some may say, "she's only a kid." To this I say, "You're right." Lily was a teen and teens don't always know how to handle complex situations, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. However, this means we shouldn't hold her as the moral standard.

Lily essentially says that the difference between the Marauder's bullying people and the death eater wannabes doing it is dark magic. I'm sorry, but that's weak sauce. Dark magic is such a vague and broad thing depending on what you're talking about, so nah...Also, is there something not dark about James choking Snape with soap? I mean, that could've traumatized Snape to the extent of him being triggered by soap. Isn't that dark?

HOW ROWLING COULD'VE FIXED THAT.

Jut have Lily acknowledge that behaviors by the Marauders and death eater wannabes are both bad, but for different reasons. Problem solved. She can even emphasize that she takes so much issue with Dark Magic due to why it's being used and what it ties into.

We hear how great Lily is and that everyone loves her, yet Harry meets literally NOT ONE FRIEND of Lily's. He meets James' friends and a former teacher of hers. We don't see Lily hanging out with anyone else. We hear examples of Lily feeling sad for people, but no references to her actually helping people or supporting others somehow.

HOW ROWLING COULD'VE FIXED THAT.

Maybe instead of Lily talking about the bad thing Avery and Mulciber did, she could've intervened, even if it was too late, and "saved" Mary. Hell, we could've had Lily hex James rather than just threatening it. I'm sorry, after literally reading the many ways the Golden Trio are there for each other even before big shit started to happen, Lily threatening to hex someone who is actively bullying her friend doesn't cut it.

And give her her own friends for Harry to meet.

Lily is said to be smart and empathic, but how she deals with Snape and his issues don't exactly support this.

HOW ROWLING COULD'VE FIXED IT.

Have Lily genuinely listen to Snape's grievances about the night he was saved. Don't have her be so dismissive about the Lupin thing. Maybe have Snape set up by the Marauders and the big reveal is a flop.

I know Rowling wanted to tackle people having shady pasts and how they can change, but 1. Either she needed to commit to it being a rivalry or 2. She needed to appropriately deal with the bullshit the Marauder's did. Snape is justifiably angry and distrusting of the Marauders due to one almost killing him as a joke and the other publicly humiliating him. This doesn't even account for YEARS of bullying, which remus admitted happened.

We cannot say that bullying is wrong, and then excuse the bullies because they were on the right side of a war.

HOW ROWLING COULD'VE FIXED THIS.

She should've had Remus flat out acknowledge they were wrong for what they did and that there was no excusing it. Then, have Sirius and Remus privately talk about this where Sirius admits it too. OR, despite loving them and his dad, Harry realizes how flawed they were and that their reasoning is simply to protect their dad not necessarily because James grew up. OR Rowling could've not written James and Sirius behaving as psychopaths AS WELL AS show instances of Snape starting shit with them.

SHOW US Snape deliberately starting shit with the Marauders and James trying to apologize. Show us James' growth outside of that. Don't tell us that James is secretly hexing Snape behind Lily's back because it has her looking like a dumb ass.

Also, all of this James stuff is important because Lily ending up with James is such a bad fucking look. IMO, it makes her disgust at his behavior seem performative. It says that she didn't really care about him bullying others, but rather, the perception of her being with someone who bullied others. And, no, having Lily smile as Snape was actively being bullied, and then poverty shaming him isn't a good look.

"BUT, BUT SNAPE CALLED HER A RACIST SLUR!!!"

It doesn't matter how much you want to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, if you believe he's calling others racist slurs, you need to confront it. And, if you believe it to be true, you need to end it. You don't wait until he calls you the slur to say, "hey, maybe he really is this racist person people claim he is."

HOW ROWLING COULD'VE FIXED THIS.

After James saved Snape's life, this is where he could've matured and his big head lessened. He still hexes others, but leaves Snape alone because he realized that they went to far with him even before Sirius' "prank." Instead of James being the antagonizer, it should've been Sirius. Once again, James breaks this up and he and Sirius gets into a small argument. Snape is let down as Lily runs up and Snape says his mud blood remark.

Snape then tries to hex Sirius and James steps in once Snape refuses to stop. It gets out of hand and Snape accidentally harms Lily.

I won't lie, I'm a HUGE Snape fan. However, because of how Rowling handled this era, there are many ambiguous things, situations that don't make any sense, not enough development of characters, etc which undermines the story she tried to tell.

Yes, I do love the series, except I don't like any of the Marauders or Lily. I don't hate Lily, but she grates. Remus really was a coward and irresponsible as hell. Sirius was childish as fuck and, no, him being in prison doesn't excuse or justify all of his behavior. James saved his peer's life, and then publicly humiliated and sexually assaulted him. He didn't stop bullying, he just stopped how he did it.

This doesn't mean I believe that Snape was faultless, but I believe this era was so poorly told that by default, I believe and sympathize with Snape.

Although I believe Rowling wanted readers to do this, I don't think she planned for some readers such as myself to hold the positions we do. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Snape as is, but I do believe Rowling didn't intend for me to hold the views I do about Lily and the Marauders.

I don't understand her laziness during this era, especially since it's so key in Snape, Lily, and James' stories.

Lastly, she could've developed James and Lily better.

I know she only has so much time, space, pages blah blah blah. However, the best writers find a way to make it work with what they have.

[dendrite-blues]

Fluff, and Why it Triggers Me

Odd start, isn’t it? I bet most people reading this are like “whaaat?”

Which....fair. I know it’s weird. I didn’t have an explanation either, for the longest time. Like 15 years. Seriously.

I just knew that fluff fics made me irrationally sad, angry, and lonely.

I avoided these stories so hard that I left whole discord servers just to get away from them. I developed aggression and frustration with the people who posted about it. I starting getting annoyed just by looking at the prompts channel because it was most often used by the fluff mongers. It’s super unhealthy.

But that begs a really obvious and hard to answer question:

How the fuck could fluff—a genre explicitly about heaping the reader in good feelings—be triggering?

Well that really gets to the heart of trauma and the ways it warps cognition, particularly childhood trauma. If you’d like to see me unpack that trauma, keep reading. Otherwise, have a nice day. :)

We learn to process the world through our parent’s eyes, so when our parents are not good blueprints we end up with some whack ass mental hallways and trapdoors to the haunted basement that healthy people just don’t have. 

For instance:

Fluff-->feelings of comfort, love, support, acceptance Angst-->feelings of hurt, sadness, fear, loneliness, depression

But when I read fluff the story doesn’t have that intended effect on me. I actually feel most of the words listed after angst when I read fluff. And vice versa, reading angst makes me feel seen, validated, comforted, and like I’m not alone.

Having given the matter lots and LOTS of thought, I can finally articulate why.

Because when I look back at my life and particularly my childhood I cannot remember a single specific incident in which I was given comfort or support when I needed it. (God and I’m tearing up just typing that out, fuck’s sake.)

My parents were not outright abusive. They were wealthy, they gave me the best clothes, food, toys, and education money can buy, but they were utterly oblivious to the emotional needs of a child. If I cried I was given a toy or food or told to stop complaining when I had it so good. 

Any negative emotions were treated as an aberration, and when someone broke down in our house it was seen as a display of that person’s weakness, or laziness, or lack of gratitude for the riches we had been blessed with.

To my parents happiness was the natural state of a person, and being unhappy meant you must have done something wrong, or you must be broken in some way. 

Receiving comfort or support required you to first prove that you were entirely the victim, because otherwise your pain and hurt would be answered with a lecture about how you deserve whatever happened because of X, Y, and Z.

The worst part is that my parents are exceptionally logical, orderly people and so most of the time they had very coherent, rational reasons behind their painting of you as a bad person who caused your own problem. It’s a very insidious kind of message that leads you to punishing yourself in their stead, since you leave totally convinced of your own culpability and badness.

My family has two children, me and my sister. I think it’s pretty telling how we turned out because we really are the two most natural responses to growing up in this kind of environment.

I am a hyper competent perfectionist who cannot handle even the slightest insinuation of critique. She is a pathological victim who seems allergic to success and accountability.

When negative emotions are a punishment for wrong doing there are only two ways you can respond. 

Either you eliminate failure and unhappiness from your life so that you do not need support—me.

Or you focus all of your energy on deflecting blame to others so that you can present yourself to your parent as a helpless victim and receive the emotional support that you need—my sister.

But this post is about fluff so let’s get back to that.

Why does fluff trigger me?

Because it confronts me with how healthy people respond to a loved one in pain, and in the course of witnessing that freely given love, I am subconsciously told/reminded of how my ‘loved ones’ failed to do that.

It’s not a conscious thing, as I said at the beginning I went 15 years without ever making this connection. I just knew that flew filled me to the brim with resentment, disgust, discomfort, and anger.

And all of these feelings happen because on some level, my soul is hurting. It’s hurting so bad because I know that I deserved that. 

I know that I deserved to be the protagonist of a fluff fic when I came out. I know I deserved that when my busted wrist killed my illustration career. I know I deserved that when I failed to finish my Masters degree. I know I deserved that when my film work dried up and I lost everything. I know I deserve that now, for no reason other than because I’m sad and doing nothing in particular with my life.

And I wasn’t.

Not because my parents didn’t offer me comfort, but because I learned to never offer myself comfort. I learned to regard my own pain as a weakness, and my desire for support as a character flaw. I learn to hate and resent that weakness inside me, and to project that hate bitterly onto other people who were capable of being comforted and were capable of enjoying soft, fluffy stories. 

Because we humans never want to think that we are the broken ones. It’s too scary. Too much cognitive dissonance. It’s easier to think that everyone else is just stupid or weak or shamefully self indulgent in their reading habits.

But that’s not true, and thinking in that way certainly isn’t healthy for me. In fact it works against my recovery to regard stories about healthy coping/relationships with distain and resentment.

So I’m making the effort from now on to retrain myself, and to unpack all of those emotions I denied myself. To—as some psychologists say—re-parent my inner child.

I might never be a fluff fanatic, and I certainly am not going to stop enjoying angst. I will always love hurt/comfort (or ‘earned comfort’ as I’ve started calling it, to remind myself of why I conveniently allowed myself to enjoy this genre even though it is basically the same as fluff). But from now on I’m not going to let myself look down my nose as fluff and fluff readers. 

I’m going to take those negative feelings and ask myself, “Why do I hate this?”

Is it because fluff is stupid, shallow, annoying, and pointless? Or is because I’ve been conditioned to see love and comfort as things I’m not allowed to want, and that I am weak for wanting?

I’m not sure if anyone else has this reaction to fluff. I know that it’s without a doubt the most popular genre in every single ship tag ever. I know that I have felt freakish and deformed for disliking it because it was so overwhelmingly popular and so universally regarded as harmless and pure and good.

I don’t know if I’m the only one, but if I’m not then I hope this helps the one other person with this problem. I hope it helps you in your recovery, and that it makes you feel seen.

Pull out your inner child, and give them a hug from me. Because we’ve both been deprived of things every single human being needs, and that’s a wound that nobody deserves to carry into adulthood.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #344

“my whole existence is flawed”

Have you ever thought about becoming a crime scene investigator? No. Do you think you could win on Jeopardy? Not at all. What do you normally call your mother? (mommy, mom, mother, mum, etc.) Usually "Mom" or "Ma," sometimes "Mama." Does your significant other complain about the way you dress? I'm single, but I would never tolerate an s/o who complained about/told me how to dress. Like bye, fuck you. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Are you right now? No, thankfully. What would you do if a stranger smacked your ass and whistled? They're getting fucking punched. In the face. Do you know anyone who has died from cancer? Multiple people. Ever have to call the cops on someone? Not me personally, but my sister did while I was in the car with her due to a clearly drunk as fuck driver. Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? Hell no, I avoid changing even in front of my mother. Have you ever dated someone in secret? Dated, no. But Joel and I were a secret. What’s something you really want right now, be honest? What I really want right now is a job. What are you listening to right now? A slowed-down with reverb version of "Closer" by In This Moment. It's p hot. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes. What confuses you most? Why terrible things can happen to the most undeserving of people. Have you ever been called a bad influence? Yes. Not like she was a good one whatsoever. What's the weirdest compliment you've ever received? I don't know, really. Have you ever thought you could 'save' someone? No. It's funny, apparently Jason thought I could "save" him, and would'ja look at that, he scarred me for life. Do you prefer weed or cigs? I've never smoked either, but at least weed has benefits, so. What do your parents say about smoking? Well, my dad smokes like a chimney, but he does tell my sisters and me to absolutely never start it. Mom is very firm about us not smoking. She'd probably be heartbroken if any of us started. Do like kissing with tongue or without? I mean, that depends on the mood as well as how serious we are. What show is hilarious to you? That '70s Show absolutely cracks me up. Who last made you upset? My Dad and stepmom, ranting about how the Covid vaccine is being forced on us and is dangerous. I'm very much for it and am getting it myself soon, so I was just like... shut the fuck up. I just kept my lips zipped, but by god did I want to say something. Does he/she usually upset you? I sometimes regret having my stepmom on Facebook because of her shitty political views, but she in general doesn't upset me. I love her, really. Dad doesn't upset me, really. What would your parents do if you got a tattoo? They don't care, especially knowing how much I love them. What is your favorite musical? None. Do you have any interest in visiting Japan? Yeah, though I don't think it's something I'd go out of my way to do. If I had the opportunity though, I'd surely go. I would love to take photos there, and it's this odd desire of mine to visit Aokigahara Forest and just walk along the "safe" paths and just... feel it. I don't want to find any bodies because I think that would shatter me, I just want to allow myself to like, drown in empathy for all those that left their lives in those trees. I feel like I'd cry a LOT, because I'd prefer to do it alone and just talk to whoever may be able to hear from wherever they are now, and just let them know they're not forgotten or abandoned and that they were never alone. This is honestly getting me really emotional so I'm moving onto the next question. But in summary, I feel like it could honestly be a life-changing experience. What is your favorite Japanese name? I like A LOT of Japanese names I've heard, but they're all evading me now. Do you ever listen to Jpop? No. Who do you go to for advice? Mom or Sara. Have you ever ran a cash register? Yeah, when I worked at the dollar store. Have you ever worked as a server? No. Did you collect Bratz dolls when you were younger? I didn't collect them, no, but I shared a few with my sister. Do you think your mom is attractive? I think my mom's beautiful. Her smile especially puts gold to shame. She actually kinda broke down the other day because she thought she was ugly, and it just broke my damn heart. Do you like the feeling in your stomach on a big drop on a roller coaster? I've never been on a roller coaster and don't plan to try one, but I reeeaaally don't like that feeling in any situation. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. How and when were you baptized, if applicable? I was baptized as a baby the traditional Catholic way. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? I think carving is more fun. Have you ever walked through a haunted house? One that was part of a Halloween attraction, yeah. What computer game did you used to play all the time? I played lots as a kid, but my favorite had to be I Spy: Spooky Mansion. My lil sis and I were obsessed. How do you feel about Motorhead? I don't love them, but I do enjoy some of their songs. I never thought Lemmy was that great of a vocalist, but I respect him as an artist and hope he rests in peace. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever pulled a muscle? *shrugs* What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) If we're talking only real-world symbols and not ones that only exist in fantasy media, I actually think the Satanic (no, not inverted) cross is a cool design. It has nothing to do with my stance on Satanism, I just think it's an appealing look. What methods are most effective for you when you’re trying to relax? If I REALLY need relaxation, just leave me alone and let my put on earplugs and just like, disappear from the real world for a bit. Would you rather date your opposite, your ‘twin’, or someone in between? Someone in-between, I think. More similar to me though would be preferred versus someone that's my opposite. How many videos do you have favorited on your YouTube account? I think I'm actually at the max? I think they just get replaced with newer ones by now. Do you know anyone who has carpal tunnel syndrome? Me, actually. My older sister does, too, and actually had surgery for it. Which do you prefer: M&M’s, Skittles, or Reese’s Pieces? Reese's Pieces, but I love all three. If you could be the sidekick of a superhero which superhero would you pick? If I was Spiderman's sidekick, could I throw webs and zing around like a monkey too? ;_; I think being Batman's sidekick would be pretty cool too, seeing as to my knowledge he's more about stealth, which would be fun to go along with. Do you think that you could ever win a food eating contest? No fucking way. They gross me the hell out. What is your favorite thing about the country you live in? How much freedom we have here. Although, it can definitely be abused, and some people do abuse it... Have you ever snuck somebody into your house? No. Have you ever snuck into somebody else’s house? No. Honestly, have you ever thrown garbage out of the window of a car? No, and you fucking repulse me if you do. It is not that challenging to hold onto your shit until you get out of the car and find a trashcan. Honestly, have you ever stuck gum under a table or desk? No, that shit is disgusting. Just get your lazy ass up and spit it out. Which would you find more menacing: dinosaurs or dragons? Well, considering dragons can, you know, breathe fire... Can you name three different kinds of dinosaurs? Spinosaurus, allosaurus, stegosaurus. What’s the name of the last person you kissed? Sara. Is your heart broken at the moment? Nah. Who’s the last guy you argued with? I don't know. I avoid arguing with guys to the absolute best of my ability because I'm terrified of making them mad. What about the last girl? My mom. Would you marry the last person you kissed? Not at this current time, but later down the road of us both building ourselves up, I possibly would. Who’s the last person that asked you out? Girt. Out of all of your exes, who treated you the best? Sara. Who is the person you have hurt the most? My damn self. Who is the person that has hurt you the most? Jason. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? It feels like it sometimes, but when it really comes down to it, no, I don't. Who was the last baby you held? My niece Emerson. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. Did your parents do drugs when they were younger? My dad did quite a lot before us kids were born, apparently. I can guess pretty damn easily that Mom made him cut that shit out before having my sisters and me. Mom, to my knowledge, has never tried anything at all. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? No. Did you cry at your high school graduation? I remember I teared up slightly. What was the last non-papery substance you drew on? I have no idea. Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) No. What do you beat yourself up about the most? I'm 25 fucking years old and have never had a stable job or just felt "adult" in general. Which has hurt you more: friendship break-ups or bf/gf break-ups? The breakup with Jason, who was my boyfriend, so. What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done? Gone to a mental hospital. The first time was so, so scary. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't know. Have you ever been to the ER? Many times. Have you ever been mistreated by a cop? No. Have you ever experimented with any sort of witchcraft? No. Which animals are you afraid of? Some bugs and spiders, and whale sharks are a phobia of mine. I also find giant squid to be terrifying, but also very intriguing. Oh yeah, then there's my extreme aversion to maggots and similar larvae. Did you pray to God when you were a child? Usually. Mom raised us to, but some nights I slacked with it and just wanted to sleep. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? Maaan, don't make me choose. What color is your skin naturally? Very pale. Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No. What was the last thing you took a video of? I have no idea. I have no recordings on my phone, so. Have you ever been somewhere where you didn’t fluently speak the local language? No. Have you ever had famous neighbors? No. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yeah, one of my anxiety meds. What are some things a house would need to have for you to purchase it? Besides the very obvious, mine has to have a dishwasher. I. HATE. Washing dishes by hand. Do you own a pet spider? No, but I DESPERATELY want some tarantulas. :( I've tried convincing her, but Mom's very adamant about the fact I will NOT own one so long as I live with her. I also love jumping spiders and attempted to convince her about one of those versus a tarantula, but still, answer's a firm no, haha. Do you call your animals “baby names”? Well duh. Have you ever been stood up? No. Do you own a fishtank? No. Do you like the song “Barbie Girl”? God no. I'll sing it jokingly, though, because y'know, childhood and all. Do you own a feather boa? No. We did at one point, though. A hot pink one. Are you allergic to peanuts? No. Do you wear ribbons in your hair? No, my hair's too short for that. I never did, though. Do you use cheat codes on video games? I generally only use codes that you can actually earn in the game for like, new outfits or weapons in subsequent playthroughs. I won't use the kinds of codes that make you invulnerable and stuff, but rather just fun little cosmetics and such. Have you ever gone mudding on a fourwheeler? Ugh, no. I don't like getting dirty, so that is NOT my kind of fun. What is your favorite flavor Jolly Rancher? Watermelon. Have you ever played Dance Dance Revolution? Of course! We had the dance mat as kids and loved to play the games. What is the last thing you dropped? I don't really remember. Have you ever done the “Cupid Shuffle?” Yeah, at school dances and such. Do you know how to do the Soulja Boy dance? Haha omg, I did as a kid. My friend, sister, and I all learned it. How long has it been since you’ve eaten a Reese’s? My mom actually got me a Reese's egg for Easter, so not long ago at all.

[msladyrosa]

I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.

[theangrypokemaniac]

I've been on Tumblr ten months now, and this blog has existed for nine of them. During that time I have noticed something.

The majority of the posts I've come across have been by and for the S&M scene, as is to be expected.

The second-most frequent are Indigo League, which I don't think is bad going considering it was broadcast before most Tumblerries were born.

Third-most popular I would say is Sinnoh, probably for being the introduction for many here.

After that I've seen bits on Johto, a smattering of Orange League (unsurprising given it's briefness) and maybe a single item on Hoenn.

No one likes that then? Is it Max? Go on, it is.

What I find odd is that, in all that period, I haven't seen anything on Unova or Kalos. No fan art, no screen shots, nothing.

I'm sure someone can point to a bounty of pieces I've overlooked, all done within the last year, but if so, they're well-hidden, as none of the people I follow have shown any interest in re-blogging them.

If you have done any, you must admit the amount has depleted considerably.

Why is this? Is it of no interest anymore?

This in itself validates my own opinion. Had I been here when Unova and Kalos were broadcast, I presume over half of the posts I'd see would've been devoted to them. If I then spoke harshly of either, that would not have been well-received.

However, if dropped, both by the audience and writers as soon as the latest generation arrives, wasn't I right to not be impressed?

If cast aside by those who claimed to worship them, were they really of any worth at all?

Well the same fate has now befallen Alola. I make no secret of how much I despise it, and can not grasp its appeal for anyone.

I don't know how Pokémon even has a fanbase anymore, given that it's ugly, boring and repetitive.

Prior to the arrival of the S.S., I suspected that Alola material would drop, vanishing altogether once a year's worth came to a close, and so it has proved to be.

It's gone from making up roughly 60% - 70% of dashboard posts to about 10% - 20%, in only a few months. Is it that bad then?

It can't be explained as excitement for the new, not with the amount of coverage Kanto gets, and even that isn't motivated by reminiscence, given the average age of the current viewer.

Why are you still posting about something that old? It reminds me of my wasted youth, but what's your excuse?

Why, when the writers want to wallow in nostalgia, do they hark back to Kanto, which no modern fan can remember?

Is no one looking with misty-eyed fondness at Iris and Cilan? Why not?

Or is that an admission that it was so appallingly bad even the writers recognised it, that's why it's been so hastily forgotten?

You could watch Pokémon from the beginning to the close Sinnoh, skip the next two eras, starting again with Alola, and you would never know there'd been a between.

Unova is described as a 'soft reset', with regards to its inverted nature. The arrogance of those writers is staggering:

• Trying to erase all that'd gone before, supplanted by their half-arsed efforts.

• Redesigning everyone with Fish Eye and flat profiles.

• Resetting Ash as not even knowing the basics.

• Warping Team Rocket's established personalities into disgusting, soulless lizard people robbed of all charm and charisma.

• Only new Pokémon existing.

• Catches kept with Juniper not Professor Oak etc.

The irony is that Unova Pokémon are copies of the first 151, so whilst deliberately ignoring the past, they can't resist imitating it, thanks to their own woeful inadequacy. I suppose they hoped if they didn't notice, we wouldn't either.

They then undermined their own decision by stuffing everything available into the third run, as a blatant effort to win back the crowd, including:

• Reverting to Team Rocket's actual motto, not that embarrassingly pretentious codswallop.

Too bloody lazy to make it rhyme now!

Notice they opted not for the Sinnoh one, although more recent. It was straight back to the beginning.

• Look at these hundreds of Pokémon we suddenly remembered!

Just before Giovanni's mid-life crisis, Ash spotted a Rattata, but it having been so isolated from the outside world, his brain fell to mush at the concept, and pronounced it 'retarda'.

Idiots are so easy to please!

• Charizard! Genwunners love Charizard! Give 'em Charizard and they'll forget everything else we've done! Let's condense his entire story arc into one episode of meaningless retelling!

So, Charizard was there to bait the first wave, and yet we had the plot we know repeated to us anyway?

Don't refer to the past and everyone will think it's brand-new!

It makes no sense. How could this be done with the hope of drawing in old fans, and yet filling up an episode with it as plotline isn't an issue, when the intended targets know it's been done before?

• Butterfree! Genwunners loved Butterfree leaving! Let's condense his entire story arc into one episode of meaningless rehash!

Why would they remain when finding the same thing again, absent of feeling and subtlety, not to mention upon discovering the damage done elsewhere?

Recent incomers, who might assume it's a fresh idea, have no emotional connection with Butterfree, so who is it meant to please?

Why is Mewtwo a woman?

• Mewtwo! Genwunners love Mewtwo! Let's copy its background for Genesect rather than be creative! Look, it's Mewtwo! Watch it!!!

Erm... It's not the same Mewtwo...

It's not the same Mewtwo?

You believe the way to an original fan's heart is to lie to them, and in the process smash a fundamental principle of canon that there can only be one Mewtwo?

The writers get a deserved excoriation round these parts, because someone has to, as what part of that film suggested the current crop give the tiniest toss about what matters to you and me?

I'm glad Unova is labelled 'the Dork Age' as every series since its dawn has been atrocious.

Hoenn and Sinnoh held massive flaws, but they're masterpieces compared to what followed. At least they felt like Pokémon, albeit a watery interpretation.

Unova has to be truly lowly for the dunces responsible to recognise it, and neither Kalos or Alola have been as cut off from their predecessors.

I don't believe that's a sign of contrition, more a matter of necessity. Thanks to the same personal limitations there just weren't enough new Pokémon in either era to make such insularity possible. Even between the two it'd be a scrape.

Except whilst previously invented Pokémon designs may be involved, there's no sign of actual familiar characters.

Ash took his original team to Johto, and even in Hoenn and Sinnoh, where local catches took precedent, older Pokémon were still referenced and came back for the League, but that stopped with Unova.

It's evil influence strikes again!

Despite flimsy nods to the past, which can't be avoided, each generation is now a world unto itself, to the point that individual episodes live by their own canon, a feeble web of strands unrelated to anything else.

Why is it considered 'retro' enough to say, have Forms of Kanto Pokémon, for which we're expected to be so grateful, when there's no mention of Ash's earlier squad?

Remember Tauros? And Kingler? And Muk?

Remember Bayleef? And Noctowl? And Heracross?

Remember Corphish? And Torkoal? And Swellow?

Remember Buizel? And Gible? And Torterra?

They don't. As far as I can tell none of them exist anymore, and maybe aren't meant to ever have done.

Same as Gary, Cassidy and Butch, Jessibelle, Tracey, and so on. Until they do, and don't again. Whatever is convenient to today's storyline.

My typical attitude is that the first series is the best thing ever, and it's all been downhill from there, with Unova and all that came after reaching incredible depths of tedium. I don't suppose you like that, but the ephemeral tendencies displayed on Tumblr hardly help change my opinion.

At some low ebb I'll get round to watching Galar, which I'm confident I'll hate as much as the last few generations, based on what I've already seen and heard.

There's little point doing otherwise. Why bother getting involved with the 'plot' or characters if, when it's over, they'll never be spoken of again?

What incentive is there for me to even force myself to like Galar when, once the ninth generation (Pokémon Keenan and Kel) emerges on the distant horizon, those who've sung its praises for three or four years and scoffed at criticism, will drop it without a backwards glance?

Yet talk about the Indigo League is ever present, somewhat proving its superiority. Attachment to it is a subconscious acknowledgement of the dearth of quality in the modern mentality, but which no one can bring themselves to admit.

[pandemic-diet]

I hate shaving. It’s not a unique complaint to have - most women I have talked to about this topic detest the chore of somehow removing their natural fuzz from their bodies. I don’t enjoy contorting in the shower to reach the back of my legs, I don’t like the stinging sensation of water entering a small nick from the razor, and I don’t like the waste of precious time I could be doing literally anything else. Although, I do have to admit, freshly shaven legs under clean top sheets is a delicious sensation - but not one worth the rest of the work. I truly don’t mind most body hair. If my body wants to regress to the classic neandranthal state of hairiness, that’s fine with me. 

Like everyone else during the winter, I put aside a razor for several months and cross that maintance ritual off my list but the question ‘to shave or not to shave’ dances around my mind when the weather begins warming up. Spring has necessitated the exchange of sweatpants to shorts for my daily outings to the cluster of small shops across from my apartment complex. I put on my cloth face mask, earphones, and began a slow pleasant trek to the donut shop to get some kolaches for my partner and I. Then a car passed me slowly and the familiar creep of shame edged around my throat. 

 I didn’t actually notice my own body hair until a boy in 6th grade gym decided to tell me that it was disgusting. I don’t remember being embarrassed or even upset, because I was confused as to what the issue actually was. Another kid chimed in and said I should just talk to my mom about shaving. I stared at the short black hairs on my legs with a new perspective quickly being tinted with shame, beginning to see another flaw on my body to obsess and hate. I went home and tried to convince my mom I was ready to be entrusted with blades sharp enough to cut my skin, which was the results of 2 hours in a bath that weekend. Whenever I had finished slicing hair off my small legs, I felt like I really achieved something. This was the beginning of my transformation into someone my peers would be too impressed with to make fun of anymore. 

Which of course, was not the case.  Two years later, I was in 8th grade and we moved to a different town. I was in band class and was 2nd chair, knocking Andrea Cortez down to 3rd chair and away from Keith Kotal, who I believed she secretly had a crush on despite constantly denying it. I was a little lazy with shaving after 2 years of discovering it and allowed some stubble to remain unbothered on my leg that was noticeable in my fashionable capri pants, and fucking Andrea Cortez and the girl next to her made fun of me throughout the duration of band class. I tried to ignore them. I rolled my eyes at her defiantly and stared straight ahead, making notes on the music, but I still remember how hot my face felt with the slow burn of fear washing away all the excitement I previously had about starting over at a school. 

My senior year in high school, a friend who had a loud voice embarrassed me outside the hallway by saying “Lot’s of women have mustaches, it’s perfectly normal”. And while, yes, it was true and he was just trying to be supportive, we were both already the losers in our AP Economics class who were generally ignored and discounted by our classmates unless Eric Limbocker grew bored of torturing the teacher set his sights to subtly undermine the confidence and comfort of one of the kids lower on the totem pole, which, a few times, was me. I had still been clinging on to hope that I’d be welcomed into the outskirts of the cool smart kid crowd if I could prove something, anything, and calling attention to the small wisps of inferiority on my face were not going to win me any points. I remember walking away after he said that, fleeing to the band hall instead of going back to the classroom with the rest of the class before being dismissed.   But now, in 2020, when people are literally dying from a modern plague, I have flashes of a confusing mix of self hatred, fear, and anger whenever I leave the house in shorts with unshaved legs or sleeveless shirts. I’ll be turning 30 this year, literally a whole god damn adult, and I am uncomfortable if someone on the walking path behind the house gets too close to me because they might see my legs and say something. Or snigger to someone with them.  The disgust that Julia Roberts, one of the most beautiful women in the world, garnered from having a little bit of armpit hair on the red carpet in 1999 is all the proof one would need to know that people are not only comfortable expressing their views about what individual women should look like at any point in time, but that if she doesn’t comply, that she deserves to be humiliated back into submission. Honestly, the fear of these kinds of attacks on my worthiness is the number one reason I continue to endure the annoyances of shaving, putting on make up, or worrying about what is considered office appropriate - because I don’t want to feel like the child being bullied in school. And the conflict between wanting to be my own person who will do what I want to do with middle fingers flying in the air and wanting to be the person who perfectly complies to certain societal norms is too much to bare sometimes. 

Is now the perfect time to begin dismantling these ideas I have in my head? I’m not quarantined - I still go to work everyday and try to social distance and just stay away from everyone as much as I can - but during the Slow Down, people across the world who have the luxury of thinking about what influences they let control their lives. While today these particular childhood insecurities flared up in my mind while living my sheltered day to day life, there are other hang ups and thought patterns that I want to start examining. 

Who decides what the rules are? Who enforces them? Why do I care about being the kind of person who follows them? What are the gains? What are the loses? How do I become brave enough to make up rules for myself?

I’m hoping to be able to find the answers and soon. If I am to survive this stupid fucking virus and continue living in a country run by fucking idiots, I want to live my life the way I want to. Whether I’m thinking about career, finances, or wearing cute dress with hairy legs, I should be the one in control of what little control I actually have of my life.  So, tomorrow, I’ll wear the fucking shorts. 

[miraculouscontent]

Have you written anything about what specifically you dislike about Gigantitan? I tried searching for it on my own, but Tumblr Is Not A Functioning Website

I haven’t talked about it much at the time of posting, so don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything.

“Gigantitan” is my least favorite episode of Miraculous from a strict watchability standpoint, being the only episode that I wanted to quit watching outright (and would’ve had I not been watching with someone else). There are episodes that have worse writing from a plot/character view, but “Gigantitan” is the only episode that I firmly believe has no value whatsoever.

[Lolliplot]

I have no problem with filler in concept. Filler can actually be very important to a show’s runtime, letting shows rake in some more views for the more high-budget episodes by filling in story gaps with fun little snippets about nothing.

But this episode isn’t fun. It’s just nothing.

Let’s start with what this episode actually offers for future plot points. Firstly, it confirms JARM (Juleka, Alix, Rose, and Mylene) being already aware of the fact that Marinette has a crush on Adrien.

We didn’t need to know this. Everyone could’ve guessed that anyone in the class already knew. If I’d skipped this episode completely and seen “Frozer”, I wouldn’t have batted an eye at JARM already knowing and making suggestions about what Marinette should do about Adrien.

The other thing this episode does is show that an akuma can switch targets, which happens later in “Zombizou” anyway. Not only that, but I don’t know how genuine this moment even is, because it’s just a “comedic” ploy to get a reaction out of Hawk Moth. I can see the result in two ways: either this is relevant because this is going to happen later (actually making this episode pointless because it’s going to happen in a later episode) or this was a one-off and no one will ever know if it was a legitimate thing or a comedic detail.

It just leaves me confused.

Point being, I don’t want to hear brags from the writing staff about how this season has “no filler” because it’s a cheap way to generate hype when all they really did was sprinkle in crumbs of establishing plot into this particular episode. If one were to ask the question, “Why couldn’t it be established that they know about Marinette’s crush in a different episode?”, the only answer would’ve been, “Because this episode would’ve been filler otherwise.”

It’s lazy. Simple as that.

[Don’t Cry Me a River]

I don’t talk about myself often on my blog, but I’ll have to say a little bit to get my point across. See, some things I’ve never mentioned about myself before are that my ears are pretty sensitive, my eyes don’t like saturated colors, and I’m easily disgusted (not amused) by gross-out humor.

Already, my next problem with this episode is obvious.

I don’t like babies. I hate them, in fact. Don’t like looking at them, don’t like holding them, and every scream feels like sharp nails being jammed into my brain. They’re gross and loud and I have no maternal instincts whatsoever.

As a baby, August has no personality. He has no traits and his shtick is “he’s a baby.” That’s literally it. He cries, he screams, he’s easily distracted, and he’s completely unintelligent.

An akumatized person isn’t even supposed to be the same exact thing as the person they akumatize, but that’s exactly what Gigantitan is; August, but with powers.

And those colors blind me. The neon pink and green are hideous. One might say that it’s the idea because Hawk Moth akumatized a baby (and those akumatized might get to pick their looks), but that doesn’t change the facts that they didn’t have to akumatize a baby and that the design is still terrible to look at even if there’s a reason for it.

And the model is disgusting. I outright gagged at the scene with Adrien’s bodyguard and the saliva and just–EUGH, EW, GROSS!!

Once the timestamp hits the point where August turns into Gigantitan, it’s nothing by baby humor for eight straight minutes.

And Hawk Moth can’t just, y'know, release the akuma, because that would end the episode.

Hawk Moth’s even been shown to be able to torment his victims to some degree to get them to do what he wants but oh no we can’t have that because it’s a baby.

Personally, I would’ve drop kicked this obnoxious little menace into the Seine like a sack of rotten potatoes.

[Character Dos and Don'ts Except It’s Actually Just Don'ts]

No one has their head on straight in this episode. No one is safe from the “Gigantitan” go-with-what-the-script-says flu.

Alya setting up this huge elaborate plan instead of focusing on Marinette’s actual problems concerning Adrien.

Rose not understanding the flower naming theme despite being rarely shown as incompetent, which is also something no one does anything about because everyone’s so hooked on using codenames.

Adrien’s bodyguard calming down out of nowhere right when the akuma shows up.

Hawk Moth not just releasing the akuma and accepting that this was a bad idea.

Adrien brushing off all of Marinette’s stuttering despite this being a thing he should be concerned about by now and instead just being like “OKAY BYE YOU SEEM STABLE TODAY”

It’s all just set up so the episode goes exactly how the show wants it to and it drives me nuts.

Alya can’t be smart and realize that codenames aren’t a good idea (given Rose’s confusion) or the plan couldn’t mess up in “hilarious” ways.

Hawk Moth can’t do anything intelligent or the episode will just fall apart.

Even just the little things, like the fact that Alix brushes off Marinette’s fear that the boys know about her crush as “nah of course not because they’re boys.” That annoys me because I don’t like the suggestion that the boys are oblivious about love just because they’re boys. This escalates further in “Glaciator” with Ivan and I’m constantly frustrated about it because there’s already a logical, actually sensible reason for JARM to know and none of the boys to: them being closer friends with Marinette and thus seeing more of her than the boys do. I don’t mind specific characters gender-stereotyping, but not when it’s the show itself doing it and imprinting that on the characters themselves to make it true.

On another note, Adrien’s bodyguard is also extra infuriating because he has to get over his rage immediately or he’d be akumatized instead of the baby, which would’ve been actually fun. I’ve said it before, but one of the worst sins an episode can commit is presenting a more fun and/or interesting idea than what they actually go with.

Heck. Adrien’s bodyguard in general is pretty inconsistent. He gets upset about everything going wrong for him, then calms down almost instantly. You’d think the latter is because he sees Adrien, but when Marinette’s talking to him, Adrien’s bodyguard starts honking rudely at them instead of letting Adrien finish a freaking conversation. This is why I hate this guy so much; he’s so inconsistent and constantly swaps between caring about Adrien’s desires and just being irritating.

And, oh boy, that ending scene. I already complained about it in “Treatment of Marinette (Season 2)”, but it drives me up a wall.

Marinette stuttering was not her fault. It was the writing’s. It’s so blatantly obvious, especially on Marinette’s second attempt where she rejects riding home with Adrien.

Yet, the episode still has her friends get annoyed with her. There just comes a point where things stop being Marinette’s fault and start being the writers tripping her up and tugging at her pigtails because “No, bad Marinette, you’re not allowed to make progress even if it’s completely in character for you at this point.”

Marinette goes through this whole plan (and I frankly don’t care if the intention was to get Adrien’s bodyguard in trouble because screw him, honestly), even stopping at one point and almost ruining everything because she wanted to help a baby, and for what?

Nothing. Marinette embarrassed herself in front of her friends, embarrassed herself in front of Adrien, and she gets teased.

I don’t have to wonder why Marinette is constantly fumbling and afraid of screwing up, because her friends and others are always teasing her for being clumsy/stuttering/etc. Alya teases her at the end and Marinette looks so embarrassed at what she’d said, but then the end card just pops up as if we’re supposed to forget about Marinette’s issues and anxiety. They go completely unaddressed and this episode is the worst example I can think of when imagining episodes that try to brush off Marinette’s problems as “you just gotta get it right this time.”

And of course, Alix makes a comment about how Marinette knowing Adrien’s schedule is “creepy.” Like, ‘k, cool, so if she does believe that, what is she gonna do about it? Confront her? Just accept it because she’s her friend and saying anything would’ve forced this episode to not happen?

The is one of the few times Marinette’s schedule (that she has only ever used for purposes of confessing/taking a confession back/tracking down Adrien for crucial reasons) has been brought up, but the show doesn’t want to dwell on it. The show doesn’t seem to want anyone its audience to think about, but it still wants to crack jokes at Marinette’s expense.

And instead of addressing Marinette’s core issues, all five of her friends just waffle around them. If this was actually fun, I probably wouldn’t mind, but with this being the unpleasant experience that it is, I feel like the glaring flaws are constantly being shoved in my face.

[Predictakillity]

This is probably the fourth-ish time I’ve said this in my blog’s lifespan, but one way to send my interest into a downward spiral is when I can predict an episode. There are exceptions, like when I see a scene or hear a particular line and go “Yes! This is probably leading up to [x]”, but most of the time, it’s negative.

And, from start to finish, I could predict this episode. After every scene that happened, I could predict what was going to happen next.

The second I saw this elaborate plan, I knew it wasn’t going to work. Even more insulting was when they threw the fantasy sequence in, because that made it even more obvious. After all, why would they show us what’s going to happen later in the episode instead of building suspense and then having us see the happy moment when it’s actually real?

Not only that, but the fantasy sequence is doubly terrible because it was some top-tier Adrienette and it’s fake. It just brings down the next Adrienette scene that follows it in whatever future episode because now they have to beat “having ice cream together” or it becomes underwhelming.

And that’s exactly what it did, because “Glaciator” was the next episode with Adrienette in it and it had the gall to set up the exact same premise without even letting them have ice cream together. It tore me up too because I knew that’s what they’d do; I knew they weren’t going to show the audience what they wanted to see because the fantasy sequence in “Gigantitan” already showed it. I wanted to be wrong and I wasn’t.

Back to “Gigantitan” itself, most of the jokes and dialog are so drawn out that it felt impossible to not know where things were going to go. They hold on jokes for way too long and everything is so in your face that things become obvious.

The second Rose started messing up the codenames, I knew she was going to be a weak link in the plan.

The moment Juleka got stuck, I knew most of them were going to have to swap jobs and be stuck doing something they weren’t good at.

The instant August appeared on screen (with spoken dialog from the mom, no less), I immediately pointed and said, “That’s who’s getting akumatized.” No amount of Adrien’s bodyguard getting annoyed fooled me because I knew it would be a red herring.

At the very first mention of August wanting a lollipop, I knew that it was going to be important to take him down when he was akumatized.

When the akuma went into August’s bracelet, I knew Hawk Moth would just run with it and wouldn’t give it up.

Even with the lucky charm, which is typically one of my favorite moments in episodes because Ladybug always gets stuck with the most random stuff, I knew what it was for before Ladybug’s Lucky Vision even went off.

And at the final moments of the episode, where Marinette wanted to just get straight to the point, I knew; I knew she wasn’t going to be able to do it. I knew this episode wasn’t going to let her have her moment. I knew her friends would get irritated with her. I knew the writing would just brush it off.

When Marinette’s friends kept asking, “Is she going to do it?”, I was pleading for them to just be quiet because it made the outcome so obvious. Everything’s obvious. When I realized that August was the next akuma victim, I knew that this episode would be nothing but baby humor and gross-out.

I hated that I knew. I didn’t want to know. With every passing minute, I kept begging–hoping–that the episode would throw me some sort of twist.

One wrench in the predictability. One instance where something wasn’t what I expected. One nanosecond where all the characters just looked at each other and went, “Hey, maybe everything that’s going on right now is actually really contrived?”

I got nothing. Once the episode was over, I got into a three hour conversation on why it was the worst thing I’d seen out of Miraculous from an enjoyability standpoint.

And every time Gigantitan shows up as an akuma again, I feel all that annoyance come right back. A full 26 episodes haven’t even passed yet since his episode and Gigantitan has shown up three times.

I hate this episode so much. I hate it because it’s a combination of nearly everything I could hate in an episode.

Character destruction.

Gross-out.

Babies.

Obviousness.

Predictability.

And worst of all, the promise–the set-up–of progress that the protagonist deserves but doesn’t get in the end despite all the garbage they’ve been through and WILL go through.

I think back to this episode and I just find myself unbelievably frustrated. In a way, I feel like I should be glad about how pointless it is. After all, its pointlessness means that I have no reason to ever go back to it.

But also, it didn’t need to exist, and those 22 minutes could’ve been spent doing literally anything else that this season desperately needed.

Instead, it’s 22 minutes of nothing.

[pacifymebby]

Age gap crush anon back. You’re so sweet oh my lord I don’t deserve you for real I’m balling my eyes out reading your post. I do agree with you and I know deep down that you’re right and all about him and his character. But the problem about finding other fish is that I’m like deathly self conscious and self hating of my body because of a long standing eating disorder that’s come and go through the years. It was so unbelievably difficult to open up to him and get naked and be vulnerable in front of him and I only did that because I trusted him deeply (stupid now I know). I don’t think I could ever ever let anyone see me like that again. Like it was especially hard to pursue a relationship with him and get naked in front of him because his ex girlfriend was GORGEOUS like model gorgeous I’m not kidding she did modelling on the side. And he’s not exactly a model (haha not to be harsh) but he’s like just a little out of my league (I found out later he is far out of my league with his glasses off wow). But now I’m like ok well fuck guess I’m back to dying alone because I’m not fucking doing this again. Like I don’t anyone to ever see me naked again I feel disgusting. Especially if he knew he was going to break up with me when we had sex on Saturday. That makes me feel so dirty and violated. I know this is probably just me being way over dramatic but this is what ED’s can do to you :/

Aw lovely my heart is breaking for you, this is so much for you to be going through!!

Honestly do really sympathise with you on the eating disorder front, I've been riddled with eating disorders for probably close enough to 12 years, so the whole of my adult/teen life basically.

Also like i am meaning this in the nicest way possible okay but no one is ever in or out of someone's league because

MGK and Megan Fox

Serge Gainsborough and Bridget Bardot

Litterally any woman who has given any youtuber/streamer nerd a chance ever..

Idk my point is when you're looking at finding a soul mate or whatever, physical attraction is important but you don't get to decide what a person likes about you or should find attractive about you.

This guy, even if he's gone and disappeared now, finds you attractive, not just attractive but hot as fuck. That hasn't changed just because he's done this. Him doing all this is a him problem i promise you, not a you problem.

And idk, I started a reply to this last night and fell asleep without posting it, so I lost everything I wrote and I can't remember if I already said this in my last reply or if it was in the reply I wrote last night but like,

All the stuff we talked about before about confidence and feeling right with someone, that doesn't change when you take all this forward with you in the future.

The right person is going to make you trust them and they're going to make you feel not only okay being naked with them but like, good and hot. And I know its difficult to believe now, especially because him just dropping you is going to play into all the nasty things your Ed says about you, but like, there are good people out there who will care about you deeply and treasure you and be literally ecstatic that u might also like them back.

Its hard to get your head around when your Ed and ur past trauma is telling you that no one's going to accept you or love you or find you attractive, or that people are out of your league. But leagues don't really exist, B finds so many of the things I think are unattractive about me, incredibly hot. Like I detest my nose and he says it's one of his favourite things, I don't like my legs and I think they are chunky but he loves them and literally can't keep his hands off them. And like idk what your taste in men is like right, but try and look at all the men you find attractive and notice their flaws because there will probably be a fair few of them. Idk I don't hold men to the same standard as I hold myself, men who are a bit ugly have my whole heart, men who have like a slightly lazy eye, or who wear glasses, who have something kinda awkward about them, or like are a bit too skinny or have a little bit of a dad bod lol, like the old men I find attractive are not generally silver foxes that the whole population unanimously agrees are sexy. And that's because everyone has their own individual taste and this differs from person to person and like you can't predict it and even though beauty standards and the industry will push a certain look that's the perfect look, you'll find most men aren't smitten by it just because they are told to. Sure you get some who follow fashion trends and treat women the same way they treat shirts and accessories but that's not as common as you think.

Most people are attracted to their own set of physical traits and personality. Which is somet I alwas thought was bullshit as a teenager but like quickly realised as an adult that like, men basically want someone they can be themselves around, that they can laugh with, like a girl who actually finds them funny. And like, you seem like someone who needs someone who like, Idk has critical thinking skills and uses his brain and like is empathetic and patient. And guys that are like that don't tend to be shallow and think in leagues. The right guy isn't gonna make you worried about all this stuff because when you get those little doubts he'll reassure you.

AND a guy like that is going to be so good at helping you get used to making decisions and advocating for yourself. And like also won't be bothered by the fact that you get uncomfortable and awkward making them. B makes 90% of the decisions in our relationship and honestly I think it's v sds of him lollllll. This guy youve been seeing has obviously been pretending to be a bit someone he isn't because the way he seemed at the beginning he didn't seem like the kind of guy to care about making decisions idk. I guess the thing is if he's being the way he has been you're not right for eachother and he's definitely not the right person for you!

But there will be a right person for you. Unfortunately the only way you end up finding the right person is by finding the wrong person first and having your heart broken :/

Sending you lots of love angel ❤️❤️

[morethannotenough]

...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back. 

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard. 

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar. 

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now. 

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life. 

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it. 

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am. 

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable. 

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago. 

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings. 

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.” 

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight. 

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years. 

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

[kakihoden]

(/ω＼)ﾟ.+(〃ﾉωﾉ)ﾟ.+°50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

tagged by @theempresskaizer​ and @incorrectmidc THANK YOUUU <3

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: FISH, especially Fried Tilapia. I dunno. I loved fish as a kid, but now just the smell of it makes my stomach churn. Oh, and broccoli. GDI the first time I tasted it was traumatic :’D

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: losing my pencils  -- for a person who draws often losing these babies is kinda ironic, isn’t it?

3. Have you got any useless talents?: Uhm.... I can sleep anywhere. LOL

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: drawing.it’s literally the oldest hobby i have so :/

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: real people?! okay, dumb question. i kinda view people’s faces as equal, but there are particular people who stand out.  i love looking at Eva Green and Angelina Danilova. my girl crushes :v

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: doodle doodle on the wall; wait for my mama’s angry call :’D

7. What is something you’re proud of?: uhm... I dunno. I don’t dwell much on myself on a positive light, so I haven’t really thought of the things I should be proud of. Unless it means something else? IDK lels

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: being self-righteous, or being too self-important. I tend to act cold towards people like these cuz duuuuuhhhh. I’d rather treat you like fart than say mean things cuz people like these aren’t really worth getting work up over.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: Back when I was a youthful optimistic fellow, I have, indeed proven myself able to be a leader, but now I just wanna be a follower. Energy-saving mode on unnecessary things :D

10. What kind of student are/were you?: When I was in high school, I was the overrated student. And it sucked because teachers placed high expectations against my will when in fact I am the lazy student who relies on stock knowledge to get through school life :v

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?:Yes.*blushes*

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: I used to run away at the speed of light at the sight of anything worm-like. >___<. I once accidentally touched a worm and it felt cold and slimy it was disgusting I literally threw a fit (LOL), but now I can tolerate them. Just... stay away within a one-meter radius D:

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: a looottt. 

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I don’t drink alcoholic beverages to the point where I get wasted. But let me tell you a story: when I was a kid, Mom gave me a quarter kilo of grapes. I finished it in one sitting, but I got drunk so I hit my head on the door knob when I tried to stand up. I wonder what kind of drunk I am now? AT PARTIES? NOOO... I just stay at corners and try to avoid having to party. It’s not the party that’s bad, it’s the socializing. :’D

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: I fall in love with 2d men easily. And yes, it takes quite some time for me to trust someone nowadays, cuz I learned my lesson the hard way.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: just one close friend is enough. I get tired of people quite easily.

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: *glances around my work area* Yep. I’m a slob alright. But that’s only when I’m too busy on something. Otherwise, you’ll often see me arranging my stuff here and there.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: a view of the sunset in a large window from a high place. and where a contrast of temperature is at its best <3

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: I’m not that fond of kids because the kids in my neighborhood are brutal. They call me pancit canton (instant noodle) because of my  hair :’’’’’’’’’D (I’m a 23-year-old bullied by 5-year-old kids)

20. What was your favorite book as a child?: I didn’t like reading, believe me. I learned to read quickly because I wanted to get away from books as fast as possible. LOL

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: uhm... mobile legends and despacito :x srsly what are those 

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: what is. IDK...  ಠ_ರೃ

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: I’d be with Hitsugaya Toushiro! (then will secretly glue us together again before one month ends LOLOLOLOL) Taichou! <3

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: I want to travel a lot to old places. Ah... it’s a life-long dream :3

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I’m a peace-loving person, and I’m weak at arguments so I keep my mouth shut and let my brain become noisy until my thoughts settle down instead of speaking up. 

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: I live in a cave -- what even is the latest fad today

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?:  I was low-key emo back then but it only manifested in my music preference because I was keeping up a good school image. Now when I look back at that “shiny and brilliant student” facade I wanted to smack my younger self in the head (btw, my music preference never changed). 

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: Bravery. It can take you far if you have it. I admire brave people.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): I don’t receive gifts anymore (too bad, will you give me a gift? XD) but my godmother often gave me dresses and clothes, and blue items cuz she knew blue was my favorite :3

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: I speak Filipino, English and not that fluent at Japanese (and currently taking a crash course at Bahasa Indonesia)

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: I’d choose countryside in a heartbeat!

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: none in particular. 

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: I do not like too much attention. I do appreciate it when someone notices me but if I get too much of that, it wears me out.

34. Favorite holiday?: Christmas!

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?:  there are days when I just go with the flow, but when the situation calls for it, I spend a night planning my days, especially trips. Yup.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): Final Fantasy Advent Children. I’d love to experience that doki-doki when I see Cloud in action <3 and my nightly walks back at the province. The moon-lit road home, the fireflies, the silence, the nature -- I’d love to go back there and spend a good vacation. Plus the residents are really friendly

37. What hobbies do you have?: Drawing, procrastinating, sleeping, procrastinating, reading manga, and did I mention procrastinating?

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: what even -- then it’s not called superpower anymore, but rather just “power” LOLOLOL. I wish I could shut down my nose when someone farts XD

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: that I’m not actually intimidating and that I am indeed Filipina. 

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: how to answer this. also, still trying to figure out how I’ll dissect my building. -_-

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: I fell down the stairs when I was a kid and it damaged my knees. Now both knees hurt during the cold season.

42. Any morbid fascinations?: I like drawing gore?

43. Describe your sense of humor: dark! as a result of my depression, my jokes tend to be categorized as black comedy LOL. Also perv. :v

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? I wish I was born in Japan, or renaissance England (^◇^；)

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: time management (/ω＼)

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: College. Why the hell did I have to pick Architecture major of all things? But I learned a few things so okay.

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): ugly tattoo. I don’t like having stuff on my face

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: I’m a pessimist irl. I’m actually a depressing human being hiding behind my drawings online ﾟ.+(〃ﾉωﾉ)ﾟ.+°

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: that I’ve inspired them. Ah truly a ray of light in this dark depressing life of mine (￣∇￣) .+°

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: my silence. me being silent to them often means I’m mad, or brooding, or being a bitch. LOL NO. that’s just my face ᕕ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ᕗ

tagging! @emigotchi @confused-tofu @rimalupin @arimii @pumpkingamelodge @spyroeden @midnightuglystepsister @midnightcindy @kseifert @oh-my-otome and you!

[fly-pow-bye]

DuckTales (2017) - “Woo-oo!”

Story by: Francisco Angones, Colleen Evanson, Noelle Stevenson, Madison Bateman, Nate Federman, Matt Youngberg

Written by: Francisco Angones

Directed by: Dana Terrance, John Aoshima

Storyboard by: Emmy Cicierega, Ben Holm, Jason Reicher, David Baker, Matthew Humphreys, Tanner Johnson

Surprise! Actually, I made it pretty obvious.

Just a reminder: it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the original DuckTales. If you’re expecting me to make comparisons between this show and the original like I occasionally do with that other particular reboot that must not be named, you’re going to be disappointed. On with the review.

This episode starts with a non-anthropomorphic seagull flying in the air. The seagull flies across some other ducks who live on boats, and they’re kind of disgusted at this weird duck that’s much smaller than them and can’t talk. One of the boat-dwellers happens to be Donald Duck, along with his three nephews: Huey, the red one with the head accessory, Dewey, the blue one, and Louie, the green one.

Huh, red one, blue one, and green one. Maybe this isn't as much of a curveball as I thought. I’m just going to call them HDL, unless it's specifically one of them doing something, which will be often for one of them in particular. Surprisingly, not the one with the hat.

For instance, as soon as we cut to Donald Duck’s boathouse, we see Louie forcing his uncle’s clothes off. Oh, no worries, Louie is just trying to prepare Donald for his job interview. He’s got to wear his nicest suit, not the sailor uniform he usually wears with his current job of “none”. Yeah, he’s not going to the Navy and be mostly absent like in the original. In fact, he’s a major character now, and I’ll write more about that later once he gets into a bigger role in this episode.

One thing I will say right off the bat is that Donald Duck still has that voice, and the show gives him quite a bit of dialogue you’re supposed to understand. Most of his humor is slapstick, as it should be, but I wouldn’t fault anyone if they needed the closed captions. It’s one of those flaws that is far, far better than any real alternative, and Disney, its fans, and I wouldn’t want Donald’s voice any other way. This rule doesn’t apply to any of the other ducks, of course.

Some things other than voices do change, though. One great way to tell that this isn't 1987 anymore is that, while struggling with the boys to get them to put their life-vests on, he picks up his smartphone to call the babysitter asking where she is. Cellphones are going to be a big part of this episode, but it's also a big part of real life. It's a far better way to modernize a show than adding memes.

With the futility of leaving them home alone without Dewey hotwiring the boat, Donald is left with no other choice. He throws them all in the car to drop them off somewhere for a few hours. The boy’s displeasure immediately gets erased when Donald Duck keys in the directions on his car’s GPS.

GPS: Destination...McDuck Manor.

Huey: McDuck...as in SCROOGE MCDUCK?!!

The nephews have heard of the legends surrounding their great uncle Scrooge McDuck. He punched a rock monster and carved a statue out of its leg, he was able to figure out the chupacabra was just a shaved bear, and, said last as if it’s the most unbelievable thing, he only hunts for treasure so he can swim in it! I’d make a joke about that, but I’d be the millionth and one to say it.

HDL are super excited to be with the most interesting duck in the world. Okay, they don’t use that exact wording; they didn’t outright make a reference that would date the show. Even if it was, this scene would still work to show off how great and adventurous Scrooge McDuck is.

Or used to be, as this plays a perfect contrast with a cut to the Scrooge McDuck of the present, sitting bored and playing with his coins while listening to a trio of literal vulture capitalists saying he should lay off on the submarines. Of course, this acts as a contrast to HDL’s “most exciting duck in the world” statement, which is the exact wording. This scene also carries a lot more weight considering the long distance between the original and the reboot, even though the original is clearly no longer canon.

We see Scrooge McDuck, adventurer, now just a gazillionaire sitting through financial briefings and just dropping some gold into his money bin and closing it. We get to see Launchpad McQuack, the clumsy pilot of both DuckTales and Darkwing Duck, as a clumsy limo driver. It’s been a long time since either of them have been on adventures, in the show and in a meta sense.

Scrooge McDuck gets the boys, and he has to be told by the housekeeper, Mrs. Beakley, to actually interact with them. They immediately start fanboying, asking him questions and telling him that he used to be such a big deal. Losing his temper, he throws them in an old spare room, with Mrs. Beakley giving them a bag of marbles to play with. He's not hip with the kids, and it becomes a big plot point later on.

He later goes back to his room, and he rubs off some dust on a window between him and a diving suit. It’s made quite clear that the trio’s “you used to be a big deal” is setting him off. Again, lots of weight considering the time.

Of course, the boys aren’t too happy to be locked in a room, so Dewey breaks it open by banging it with the bag of marbles. It’s clear that they’re trying to give HDL distinct roles, something extremely rare in the comics, and only slightly less rare in the earlier cartoons. They prepare to touch some expensive stuff, only to get captured again by a shadowy figure. They get interrogated while hanging from the ceiling until they yell for Uncle Scrooge.

Webby: (gasp) Nephews! Tell me everything!

This is the reboot’s version of Webby, granddaughter of Mrs. Beakley, and it’s one of the most drastic changes this reboot does to the original. The original Webby is portrayed as a doll with a arrow shot through its heart in the tied up scene. That’s how much the writers want you to know that they really wanted to change Webby. Here, she's an idol of Scrooge McDuck, and wants to be a great adventurer just like him.

She also feels trapped. While Mrs. Beakley is alright with her preparing for it, she doesn't want her to go out to see the dangers of the world. So...a Disney Princess, but more like Rapunzel than, say, Aurora. The one from Sleeping Beauty that's known for, you know, sleeping. She opens a ventilation shaft for the boys to crawl through, so they can try to explore more of the manor.

Speaking of Mrs. Beakley, she barges into Scrooge McDuck’s room after hearing a bunch of noise, and we see Scrooge McDuck putting on that heavy diving suit. Mrs. Beakley reminds him he should spend time with his family instead, but Scrooge wants nothing to do with that. In his words, family is nothing but trouble. Dewey overhears this, as he crawls through the ventilation system, which makes him a little more weary about the great uncle.

They get out of the ventilation system, and they end up right outside what Webby calls the “Wing of Secrets”. That might be a pun.

This room contains a lot of weird items, including a gong that, if hit three times, will launch unspeakable evil. It’s going to get hit three times. Louie, already established as being the most rascally of the group, is busy calling dibs on the stuff. He only lived with his great uncle for less than a couple minutes, and Louie is already thinking about his inheritance! She does stop Louie from touching a hand that turns anything it touches to stone. It's going to be used to turn something into stone.

Being far more disinterested as his dislike for his great uncle grows, Dewey makes a bombshell statement that causes the rest of the group sans Webby to stop and think.

Dewey: It’s fake.

They were absolutely enamored by this guy when the GPS guy talked about McDuck Manor, but this one little thing, and they think he's a fraud. Well, maybe it isn't so little.

They see their Uncle Donald, and they just don’t see him as the adventuring type. The other two agree, and immediately start calling the other items fakes. Of course, Webby is flabbergasted by this, as, to her, Donald Duck is one of the best adventurers around.

Much like the “most exciting duck in the world” comment, we have to have a contrasting scene here, too. We then cut to Donald Duck waiting for his interview alongside a neat little cameo from A Goofy Movie, doing one of his trademark outbursts at a stapler.

Webby: But what about the picture of the chupacabra?

Huey: Photoshop.

Cellphones, GPS, and now Adobe Photoshop. Well, okay, While HDL tries to disprove all of this worth, Webby opens a treasure chest that reveals a floating sheet. The boys are convinced it’s just a Halloween decoration in there. Dewey pull off the sheets...

...and it turns out to be Captain Peghook, the Scourge of the River Styx. This instantly convinces the boys that, nope, it’s all real. Subplot over. They also wake up a headless man-horse and a magical sword called the Deus Excalibur. Both of these items hit the gong, and they wonder what could be worse than any of this.

Scrooge McDuck shows up, much to the chagrin, but before he could punish the boys, the ghost, the horse, and sword. To make a short story even shorter, he takes care of all three by doing one thing that causes a chain of events. I feel like being more specific wouldn’t add anything to this review. This causes a celebration among the kids until he puts his cane down.

He also tells Webby that this isn’t a Wing of Secrets, it’s the garage. Webby tries to counter this by pointing out items like...a “garden hose of destiny”. Dewey quotes back the “family is nothing but trouble” line, which really gets on his nerves. While this was all entertaining, a part of me was thinking to myself, “he’s going to hit the gong, he’s going to hit the gong, he’s going to hit the gong...”

Sure enough, he hits the gong! He does defend himself by saying he couldn’t have known it was hit twice before. Kind of a lapse of judgment, but it's better than not knowing what evil could have lurked. This evil happens to be a gold-hunting dragon, who immediately sniffs the scent of the famous giant money bin. Scrooge immediately grabs onto the dragon, telling the kids to go to their room.

Simple answer: they don't.

Slightly longer answer: this leads to a action scene, as Scrooge McDuck holds on to the dragon, while the boys and Webby get Launchpad McQuack to save him. I don't really want to talk too much about this, as I can't really add anything that wouldn't just be summary.

I will mention one thing: I like how the “garden hose of destiny” plays a part in this. They didn’t even need to go back to that joke, but they did anyway. Everything is connected, and it is seen throughout this entire cartoon. It ends with the Scrooge using that hand, and he safely lands in the money he was perfectly trained to swim in. The boys get worried for a second; I wonder if they thought about what usually happens when you land on a pile of metal.

...there, millionth and two.

After all of that, it's official: Scrooge McDuck is back in the business of adventure! This is where the episode would end, but I guess it would be disappointing if we didn't see that Atlantis adventure. It turns out, Scrooge will not be alone on said adventure, and I don't just mean HDL, Webby, and Launchpad.

It turns out, Donald Duck's job interview was a success, though not for the accounting job he wanted. Instead, he's a sailor, working for a certain someone.

Flintheart Glomgold, the second richest Scottish duck in the world, and he’s not happy about that placing. I know he's one of the classic villains. He knows just as well as Scrooge McDuck does that there’s a jewel for him to take.

Glomgold: Now, what do you know about...Atlantis?

What we just watched was the longest cold open ever, as the theme song starts right after that threat. They knew very well that nothing can be as catchy as the original 1987 show’s theme song, so it’s a modern Disney take on the classic theme sung by American Idol contestant Felicia Barton. The original can't be beat, but it doesn't do a bad job either.

I have nothing but good things to say about the visuals. It's a lot more abstract than the original, with Scrooge and the kids jumping out of comic panels, a great reference to DuckTales' roots, and eventually climbing the DuckTales logo. We even get some glimpses at the new Beagle Boys, who don't appear in this episode, so those mercanaries aren't replacements for them.

It's all well animated, and one thing I can say that should be a plus is that the animation in the show proper isn't as much of a downgrade as certain other cartoons.

Part 2 of this episode starts with Glomgold’s employee training video. He prides himself on taking ideas that were already done and making them his own, doing them better, faster, and cheaper. There would be a good joke to put here if this cartoon was worse.

While he's watching this, Donald Duck is secretly talking to Scrooge on how to take care of the nephews. Scrooge McDuck tells him not to worry, as he has a laid back schedule ahead. Of course, he's actually going into a submarine in search for the jewel of Atlantis.

One of the big plots in this episode with many of the characters is trying to keep secrets by lying, whether it be Louie telling Donald Duck that he's doing boring stuff while in the submarine, or a whole section of plot dedicated to Webby lying to her overprotective grandmother that she's going to a party.

This even continues with Dewey, seriously, he does a lot of things in this special, erasing a line on the map to a more direct path that's filled with monsters.

It leads to them getting attacked by those monsters in three one second scenes. It’s a joke anyone can see coming. There is a hidden depth in this beyond just "those kids are rascals", and it's another bit of conflict between Dewey and Scrooge.

Scrooge: You kids would be the death of me!

Dewey: DEWEY would be the death of you! DEWEY!

Scrooge says that the kids are going to be the death of him. He doesn't see HDL as three different people, just some family that's nothing but trouble. Later in the episode, Dewey challenges him to say which one he's supposed to be, and Scrooge doesn't know. I'll be honest, I got it wrong when I first watched this, too, even though they do try to seperate them a little more than usual.

Meanwhile, on Glomgold's unmarked boat, Donald is showing off pictures of him and his nephews to his co-workers, who are all mercenaries with names like Cabby McStabberson. An alarm sounds, and they see Scrooge McDuck is also after the jewel of Atlantis. Donald wonders why Scrooge is there, and is even more insensed to see the boys, saying he's going to kill them.

Glomgold takes that literally, to Donald's chagrin, and he starts to give him praise for giving them a great idea to kill Scrooge. This becomes one of the running gags with Glomgold and Donald: not only is he working for evil, evil sees him as a good employee. Also, they are able to use the word kill; none of that getting here.

So once they get to Atlantis, there's all of these plot threads. Along with the main plot of Scrooge trying to get the jewel of Atlantis, we have a lot of family drama. One great nephew in particular, Dewey, wants to confront Scrooge on his lack of caring for his family. A nephew, Donald, is working with, and yet wants to protect his nephews as well. And there's Webby's grandmother, who can't help but keep calling Webby wondering if she's okay at this party she went to.

This is all going at once, and the only confusing thing is how that cell phone would work when they're at the bottom of the sea. I guess when you're with a bajillionaire, anything is possible.

Talking more about Donald Duck, it’s interesting to see Donald in a much, much bigger role than he had in the original. Judging by the opening, this will follow through throughout the series. The stuff he goes through is very fitting. A highlight is during a scene where HDL tries to get past a laser bridge that causes, and Donald desperately tries to shield them from lava shooting out of what would have been the ceiling.

I don't want to get into any more spoiler territory than that, so all I can say is that it all gets tied up at the end. They even get out of a surprisingly insightful death trap, which teaches Donald that sometimes, you just got to trust people. Dewey even calls it a "surprisingly insightful death trap".

While the Dewey and Scrooge plot and the Donald and Everyone Else plot gets handled well enough, the Webby and Mrs. Beakley plot just kind of ends with Mrs. Beakley being okay with it, only telling her that she shouldn't lie. It's the closest thing to a forced moral in this episode, but at least it's all taken care of without spending too much time on "Liar Revealed" scenes.

I don’t want to ruin the fun for anyone who wants to watch this, which should be everyone, but I’m not spoiling too much when I say the good guys win, right? Obviously, it’s a bit more complicated than that, but that’s what happens. It even leads to this line, from one of the newsreporters on the scene.

Newsreporter: Scrooge McDuck is back, with family in tow, solving mysteries, and rewriting history!

Oh yeah, that reference was beautiful. In the end, Dewey goes back to the "Wing of Secrets"/garage, and there is a really neat cliffhanger with the same painting that led HDL to doubt Uncle Scrooge’s accomplishments. I won’t spoil it, but there’s going to be some continuity in this. Unlike other certain reboots, it will definitely be touched upon again. Woo-oo!

How does it stack up?

I was of the opinion that maybe we should just leave the past alone and start making new cartoons instead of trying to reinterpret our favorites of old. Maybe it's because it's Disney and not Cartoon Network, but this show is an exception. At the very least, it's a great start.

If you want to watch three siblings that wear red, blue, and green going on adventures, this is the show to watch. Obviously, I’m not going to use a character from a far lesser cartoon to grade this cartoon, but I don’t have three faces by the same person to use here, so...have a Two Thumbs Up Dewey!

(Special thanks to martosi231234! Far better than an emoji.)

But I’m really just delaying the inevitable. This Saturday on FPB...it’s back to the usual.

Oh boy. Oh, and just in case...

← n/a 🦆 Daytrip of Doom! →

[theinquisitivej]

‘The Emoji Movie’ - A Movie Review

What do you want me to say about this film? Are you eagerly anticipating me tearing it apart as I as I spew hate towards a long list of creative missteps? Or are you intrigued to see if I can share some unexpected positivity and point towards some hidden qualities I found in the most unassuming of packages? Whichever side you want me to fall under, I can’t help but feel I’m going to disappoint.

          ‘The Emoji Movie’ is a vacuous film with very little thought put into its construction. Its story is a weak approximation of at least four other far more successful family movies. The world it depicts inside a phone is a limp amalgamation of ideas that are neither fully developed nor coherent with each other in a way that builds up to any higher meaning or significance. The entire project lacks focus, especially in its unclear intended message. There is the main “just be yourself” philosophy it’s trying to impart, but unless this theme is explored with sincerity and talent, and this film has neither of those things, this message often comes across as clichéd and so very lazy. ‘The Emoji Movie’ has been one of the easiest targets of 2017 to criticise, and it offers very little to change your mind.

          And yet despite how easy it would be for me to condemn it, I find it difficult to muster up the intense disgust I was expecting to feel for this movie. While there’s nothing there for me to love, there’s also nothing there for me to get worked up enough over to hate. Its technical features don’t stumble over themselves to a point where the film becomes a trainwreck, and it doesn’t contain ugly themes or immediately apparent objectionable material. This is an empty movie. It isn’t well made, but I can muster up neither positivity nor negativity for a film being just as superficial and devoid of depth as we expected it to be. Funnily enough the emotional response I feel more than any other is the one state of mind Gene, the main emoji character voiced by T.J. Miller, is trying his best to limit himself to feeling; cold disinterest accompanied with an indifferent “meh”.

          So the rest of this review will be spent trying to construct my criticisms into something positive. Most of what I have to say is still highlighting why ‘The Emoji Movie’ is not a good film, but my intention is to compare it with the films it has so clearly taken inspiration from, and discuss the differences in approach and how similar elements can be done better. Because that’s what kids, moviegoers, and the medium of film really does deserve; better.

Characterising Digital Constructs – ‘The Emoji Movie’ vs. ‘Wreck-It Ralph’

          Both ‘Wreck-It Ralph’ and ‘The Emoji Movie’ are films about digital characters living in a virtual world. Each centres around one character who is at odds with their role in a rigid system that requires them to act in a set way. Gene aspires to be the ‘meh’ emoji he is expected to be but his natural personality leads him to express other emotions, and Ralph is the unappreciated bad guy in an arcade game who just wants to be acknowledged for once. Both set-ups have room for emotional journeys we can empathise with, and you might just find something in Gene’s circumstances that resonates with problems or ideas you have been struggling with in your life. Every film has the factor of subjectivity in its favour, and I do believe that the story told in this film will mean more for some people than it did for me, and I’m glad for that.

          Speaking for myself, I would still argue that the resolution to these two protagonist’s arcs seems stronger in ‘Wreck-It Ralph’. Gene’s story may be about getting something he needed that he didn’t know he wanted at the start, which has merit, but he gets an ideal ending. His life and the life of everyone around him is made better (even if it’s not clear why what happened would make everyone’s outlook shift so radically), and everyone gets to be the best possible version of themselves and be unceasingly happy. Ralph is undeniably more content by the end of his story, but not because he’s living the high life he wanted for himself at the beginning. The characters in this story have undergone emotional change, but apart from Vanellope, everyone’s lives are more or less the same as when the film started. Ralph was dissatisfied with his circumstances at the beginning, and while some things have changed to make his life more comfortable, he is still in the same situation by the end, except he’s okay with it. There are things he knows he will never have, but he is content with the recognition and appreciation of the special few rather than the adoration of the faceless masses he craved at the beginning.

          I respond to Ralph’s character development more than Gene’s because he gets it through some sacrifice. Gene doesn’t have any troubles by the end of the film, and that’s a fine point to end on; there’s a reason we enjoy happy endings. But Gene’s doesn’t work as well for me because he hasn’t had to give up much to enjoy the high life and adoration of the entire world. Being yourself is a commendable message, but you’ve got to accept that at least some people won’t love you for that. That’s okay. Your emotional state doesn’t have to please everyone, but as long as you feel that you are being true to who you are and what you feel, then there is something to that.

          Also, frankly speaking, I think there’s more depth to explore when characterising video game characters versus characterising tools of expression on your messaging device. A game character is a personality with at least some details filled in to allow them to fit in with the world of the game they inhabit. An emoji is a simplistic, sweeping representation of a single feeling, expression, or concept. It’s easy to think of a game character’s role and personality because some of that is already there in the source material. An emoji is a tool of communication. That’s all I can really get from it. There’s only so much reasonable flexibility with how you can paint them as characters before the premise starts falling flat on its face.

Being Different from the Crowd – Gene vs. Emmet

          Gene and Emmet from ‘The Lego Movie’ are both different from what most of their society says they should be. However, Gene’s apparent flaw of being too expressive is never something we genuinely believe he should try to fix. Being passionate and open to the emotions you feel are generally considered positive human traits, and the film is clearly trying to make us like Gene in the early stages of the story for being this way. We don’t want him to become detached, so for most of the narrative, we don’t want our protagonist to achieve his goal.

          Conversely, Emmet, spurred on by the realisation that no one knows he even exists, aspires to be as interesting and distinct as the amazing people he sees all around him. When he discovers he is the Special, but is routinely beat over the head that he is not original or creative, we empathise with him because he is trying to achieve something that all of us want for ourselves. Gene is so obviously a unique individual in a crowd of one-dimensional rigid personalities, and we’re just counting the minutes until he reaches the foregone conclusion that this is a good thing. Even within ‘The Lego Movie’s story, Emmet is designed to represent a generic occupation, not a specific individual. We sympathise with the desire that people know who we are, and we can see how difficult it is for Emmet to achieve this when he’s surrounded by an expansive crowd of striking personalities, some of which are famous icons or characters with which we’re already familiar.

          If Ralph’s story represents a more satisfying character arc in which something is sacrificed, then Emmet’s journey shows the difference between ‘The Emoji Movie’s lack of a compelling struggle in comparison to the much more human one we see in ‘The Lego Movie’. Emmet is trying to do what we all want for ourselves. Gene wants something too specific to a contrived scenario for me to relate to him.

Looking at Emotion and Applying it to the Life of a Child – ‘The Emoji Movie’ vs. ‘Toy Story’ and ‘Inside Out’

          There is actually a storyline in ‘The Emoji Movie’ about Alex, the teenage boy who owns and uses the phone the emojis inhabit, but I honestly think he only takes up five minutes of the runtime. I often forgot about the world outside this phone because we tune back into Alex and his life at school so infrequently. It’s also jarring because, while every human is well-modelled, the animation on them is unimpressive as they exhibit a very limited range of expressions (it doesn’t help that the short that played before the film was for ‘Hotel Transylvania’, a series with tremendously energetic animation). Worst of all, we know very little about Alex beyond the fact that he likes a girl and wants to ask her to the school dance.

          Think about Andy in ‘Toy Story’ and Riley in ‘Inside Out’. Can you imagine those films with Woody or Joy being largely unconcerned with these two? In stark contrast, the emojis only worry about Alex because they’re afraid of him doing a system reset to fix the glitches on his phone that are the consequences of Gene’s actions. They rarely express any investment in Alex’s life or his emotional development. The only personal reward they appear to get from being used in Alex’s texts is the egocentric pride of being put in the spotlight. James Corden’s character, the high-five emoji, misses the glory days of being used and wants to be in the favourites section so that he can be famous and adored in the world of emojis. In comparison with Joy’s struggles to make Riley happy during a difficult time in her life, or Woody’s devotion to Andy being so intense that he has no purpose in life if he can’t be there for Andy, these emojis are much more concerned with their own happiness than they are with helping the child they’ve been charged with.

          It seems cruel to say the non-human characters in these films should exist only to serve their human masters. But if we’re being honest, what’s the point of stories that ascribe personalities to tools, objects, and abstract concepts if we aren’t going to examine what significance they hold in our lives? Why should we tell a narrative about toys? ‘Toy Story’ argues that they embody nostalgia for our bygone childhood, and their role in our own development makes them analogues for the parents and guardians that we must drift away from as part of growing up. Okay, then why should we make a story about emotions being little people living inside our head? ‘Inside Out’ answers this by having their actions and desires represent the bubbling internal thoughts of a young girl as her new surroundings make her unsure of who she is. Fair enough. Now, what does a story about emojis have to say about us? Very little, it seems. Alex’s role in the story is nothing more than a timebomb for the emojis to overcome as they go on their own reflective journeys. The two-dimensional emojis feel entirely divorced from the one human presence in their lives.

          The story ‘The Emoji Movie’ tells could have been achieved by any other film. You want to make a movie about the emojis in a teenager’s phone? Fine. But I at least expect you to tell me something about the teenager.

Conclusion

          I don’t feel comfortable tearing ‘The Emoji Movie’ apart, even though it’s so very easy to do so. Some of the people in my cinema looked like they were sincerely enjoying it, so even if I found it cringeworthy, I can’t honestly say that this is an unwatchable movie that’s impossible to like. Clearly some people do. But it is vapid and dull, even if it’s not outright offensive. If nothing else, I hope this review has shown that, as bad as some movies can be, the stories we do value don’t go away. A bad movie with a stupid premise will always have a superior alternative that deals with a similar idea much more effectively. ‘The Emoji Movie’ doesn’t really matter when I will always have any one of the better examples I’ve discussed today. So I’m prepared to bury ‘The Emoji Movie’ and move on. Judging from other reviews, it looks like everyone else already has.

3/10.

‘The Emoji Movie’ is empty of everything I love about film and storytelling. If it were only worse I could muster up some kind of passionate response. Instead, all I’m left with is… meh.

[todaydreambelieversfic]

Author Spotlight: Black John Lennon day 4

Day 4: Recs!

Please recommend 3 - 5 fics written by someone else.

The Luckiest by Wordplay

I think everyone in fandom has probably read this. One of the biggest signs for me that it is well written is how well it holds up despite being jossed. It still holds up now that we have the whole store. I have reread this fic so many times it’s not even funny. I love the use of the characters, Tina is amazing in this. It’s really a great look at how a Klaine breakup could have happened and really explores Kurt and Blaine’s canon flaws. It’s amazing and anyone who’s new to fandom really should check it out.

The characters are older, and more experienced and they’ve lived separately, they feel different from the characters we know, but still feel so much like themselves.

My favorite part, because I can’t write sexual tension this thick, which is why I write fluff. LOL

He’s watching them singing “Candles” to each other on the screen when Kurt feels Blaine’s hand come to rest over where his are folded. Blaine’s fingers are warm and calloused and gentle, and the tips of his fingers are sliding over the back of his hand, gliding down to follow the length of his fingers one-by-one and trace back up, and Kurt doesn’t know what this is but he follows the advice of the warm liquid of his belly and moves his hand closer to Blaine, letting it rest in the small space between them on the couch so that the backs of his fingers are curled against the side of Blaine’s thigh. He can’t bring himself to look at Blaine yet, but it’s okay because Blaine follows him back, turning his hand so that he can stroke lazy, drifting circles into Kurt’s palm, starting at the pads beneath his fingers and running down to trace over the bones of his wrist before spiraling back up, and god, his hands, and it’s a sweet reminder of Blaine drawing those same circles down his back so long ago, lazy in the afterglow the few times they’d been able to share a bed. Kurt’s whole hand feels sensitive, like every pore is trying to absorb Blaine and every hair is reaching out to understand, every square centimeter of his skin so aware of Blaine and the mystery of his thoughts. Every movement feels significant, laden and slow, and he sinks into the sofa so that when Blaine slides his fingers between Kurt’s own and rubs heavy and deliberate against the juncture of his fingers before looping their fingers together and sliding down until they are fingertip to fingertip, Kurt feels it in his dick and he can’t help it, he has to turn his head to look.

Blaine is staring at him, one cheek resting on the back of the sofa and the other lit by the TV, but his eyes are dark and his mouth is soft as their hands slot together palm to palm with fingers interlaced, Blaine’s thumb rubbing soft and steady over the side of his hand. There was a time after their breakup when they’d been so careful not to touch each other and that time has been over for a while, but Kurt’s still very aware of where the lines are, of what’s a friendly touch and what’s something else and this… this isn’t a hug or a pat on the shoulder or even perching on somebody’s lap when there aren’t enough chairs. This is deliberate, a statement of intent, and the look on Blaine’s face makes him want to brace for it.

Kurt can’t take it, it’s too intense, so he turns back to the television to watch without seeing and concentrate on the feeling of their hands. He’s almost 23 years old and the first boy who ever took his hand has taken it again, so sweetly, and it doesn’t seem to matter how much sex he’s had in the interim, how many ways he’s opened his body or seen others do the same for him, because he’s suddenly right back to 16, when hand-holding had seemed the most intimate thing two people could do, and he’s simultaneously terrified and desperate to feel and remember every moment of contact. It seems like such a chaste thing to him now, holding hands, and he hasn’t done all that much of it in the last couple years. But this is Blaine, and everything about the way he’s touching him feels intimate, sexual and exploratory, like when Blaine touches his hands, he’s thinking about touching him everywhere.

He looks back to see Blaine facing forward again. It’s funny – they’ve known each other for so long, they still know so much about each other, but right now all that means is that he can see the trouble etched across Blaine’s brow and at the corners of his eyes and mouth, but he can only guess at the cause. He squeezes Blaine’s hand and rubs his thumb across his knuckles just once, and Blaine turns back to face him.

He hears the music change just as their eyes meet again in the low light and the moment feels pregnant with possibility. Kurt feels heavy with it, his body boneless and pressed into the cushions with the relief of inevitability and the promise of this man’s body on his. Blaine holds his eyes, and Kurt can see his lips purse lazily into a soundless whisper of his name and his mouth is still so beautiful. He’s thinking about leaning over to taste it, just to see, when everybody bursts out laughing and he hears David say, “oh, man, I can’t believe Blaine is missing this,” and the moment is shattered.

Nothing’s So Loud - Glassparade

Not only is this 90s!Klaine, but it’s an AU of one of my all time favorite movies, Say Anything. Blaine is Lloyd Dobler, Kurt is Diane Court, I am a happy camper. But this fic is also what brought my to tumblr. It was posted on the Kurt_Blaine community on Livejournal, and I was just coming out of my shell and starting to talk to more people. I struck up a friendship with Lissa, the author of the fic, and she’s the person who convinced me to give tumblr a try. She was also very encouraging of me writing fic myself.

If you haven’t seen Say Anything, I highly recommend it, it’s a classic for a reason. There are liberties taken, to fit the characters. I’ve never been a huge fan of Quinn, but her character here is beautiful. And her friendship with Blaine really makes me wish we’d had that in canon.

Choosing a favorite part is tough, but I’m going to go with one that is very similar to the movie, but still so Blaine.

Before he could reach his destination, though, they were both intercepted – Kurt by Rachel Berry, who smiled and whisked him off, and Blaine by a guy with shaggy blond hair falling into his eyes. “Hey. Sam Evans,” the newcomer introduced himself, sticking his hand out to be shaken. “Great party, right?”

“Uh, yeah…” Blaine replied, mystified.

“So, listen, I know we don’t really know each other, but I had to know.” Sam’s eyes were earnest in his curiosity. “You’re here with Kurt Hummel? Like, with him?”

Blaine frowned, hoping there wasn’t about to be a problem. “Yeah…”

But Sam only leaned in to whisper, licking his lips. “So how’d you do it? How’d you get the elusive Kurt Hummel to go out with you?”

“I called him up and asked him, like everyone does,” Blaine answered with a shrug. Sam’s eyes grew wider, and he shook his bangs away to gawk a bit more.

“Yeah, but, like, how? What are you, dude?”

“I…” Blaine wasn’t sure how to respond. “I’m Blaine Anderson, man.”

Angel in a Red Vest by dontbefancy

Fireman!Blaine became a huge trope at one point and while I enjoy all of them, this one is my favorite. I think Blaine’s little boy has something to do with it. Kids in fic can often be written as too smart, too good, too wise for their age, very rarely are they age appropriate. But this little boy is written so well. He’s a fully fledged character who tantrums and misbehaves and is adorable. And the relationship between Kurt and Blaine and the idea of Kurt trying to decide if kids are a deal breaker for him or not, despite how much he feels for Blaine is so real.

My favorite part is Kurt really experiencing what it’s like to have a young child and in the realest way possible.

Kurt got up and slipped on the other pair of underwear on the floor, grateful it was his because Blaine’s would never fit over his ass, and went to the hall until it hit him.

The smell.

The sound of the whining, sniveling mess of a boy in the room being carried, face out into the bathroom.

The sight. The vomit covering Adrian’s bed when he peeked in to avoid seeing the volcano erupt again as Blaine barely got him into the bathroom.

“I’ll…shit. I’ll get the sheets.”

“Thank you…oh, honey. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Kurt ignored the disgusting noises coming from the bathroom and gulped, piling everything from Adrian’s bed into the middle and pulling up the corners of the sheets, heading to the basement. “Quick, toss his nightshirt up here.” Somehow he caught the soiled shirt on the sheet pile and got everything downstairs, throwing it all into the laundry as if it were nuclear waste. “Dear god, I hate kids.”

Until he went upstairs. Until he saw Adrian, ragged and dark eyed and stumbling back to his bed, now haphazardly covered with a blanket that looked well-loved and over-worn. Adrian’s horrible behavior became clear and all Kurt wanted to do was make it better for the little man. “You okay?”

“I frewed up.”

“I noticed. What can I get you?”

“Daddy’s getting ice chips. Maybe a hug?”

“How about another nightshirt, too?”

“Oh my goodness.” Kurt dug in Adrian’s drawer and jumped when Adrian coughed, afraid another eruption might happen. “Kurt? Can you get…there’s an orange one with a flower on it?”

“This one?” Kurt pulled out a faded t-shirt, complete with a few holes and barely-there flower, smiling sympathetically when Adrian’s smile wasn’t capable of reaching his eyes.

“It’s Mommy’s.”

“The perfect hug for when you’re sick.” Kurt wiggled it onto Adrian’s head, guiding his arms through the over-sized holes and holding him close for a few moments before helping him get settled into his pillows. “Need another blanket for on top?”

“Yes. I’m cold. And I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For being a big old meanie head.”

“Well, now I know you didn’t feel good, buddy. It’s okay.” He kissed Adrian’s hot temple and rubbed his hair, smiling when Adrian moaned into the touch.

“You’re not my mommy, but Kurt?”

“Yes?”

“You make me feel good like she did.” He sighed as though the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. “You hug like her.”

[jamesprescottwrites]

Healthy & Unhealthy Self-Love

I’m learning a lot about myself right now.

The most challenging and uncomfortable lesson I’ve learned, is about just how self-centred, self-involved, and selfish I’ve been. 

A good friend first pointed this out when we met up, and we were talking about her, and how I could help her. I wanted to give her advice from my own experience...but ended up talking too much about me. And she called me on it, like any good friend does. 

It took me aback. I started to stand back and examine how much I’d done this. 

Then, one night, when I had another of my many recent dark nights of the soul, I was talking to my mindset coach. And they mentioned to me one reason my work maybe hadn’t connected with people that much, was that I was focussing too much on me. 

I was confused. Surely promoting my work, meant promoting me in some way? 

But they said that I’d missed the point. The point was promoting how I can serve them, promoting a message which can help people. The point was making it about others, not me. 

Then my eyes were opened. The scales fell. 

Suddenly I realised what had happened. 

My whole life, I’d made about me. 

My childhood trauma, and losing my mother, had shifted me into an unhealthy form of self-love which made the world about me. 

A poor self-love that meant I put myself first, made the attention about me - because I didn’t trust anyone else loved me, because I wanted others to love me, and those that did love me I didn’t trust because some had betrayed or abandoned me. And maybe I thought they would again.

The thing was, I did and still do genuinely care about others, and want to help, encourage and support them - especially those I love. 

But I’d even trained myself to make that about me. I’d let my ego run the show, in a very subtle, passive-aggressive way.

It was my ego and subconscious’ way of getting people to love me and make me the centre of their world. And of course when I didn’t get back the love I gave out in the way I expected, I felt let down, and hurt - and assumed it was about them, not me - that somehow they ‘owed’ me. 

Whenever someone didn’t contact me for a while, I’d assume it was something I’d done. When I had a failure, I ascribed that failure as a personal one, even if it had nothing to do with me as a person. 

I just didn’t want to get betrayed or abandoned by those I loved anymore. I didn’t trust anyone to love me and not hurt or abandon or betray me. So my subconscious tried to control how they loved me, and drew attention to myself, as a form of ‘self-love’ in case no one else ever bothered to love me.

And I did it with my writing too. It was all about promoting me, making me popular and important - because I didn’t trust anyone to really believe I was important, and maybe even because I didn’t love myself.

My wound, had become a curse. It turned me self-centred and inward looking - and all the time, I had no idea. I genuinely couldn’t see it. In my heart, I wanted to help people, and do good in the world. But undermining it was this insecurity and fear making me selfish.

Once I realised this, I felt ashamed. I felt disgusted at myself. I hated this part of me, and that I’d done this, and come across this way. I realised I’d forgotten how to genuinely love people more than me.

And I’ll be honest it absolutely terrified me. How did I end up like this? How did I not see this? How can I ever stop being like this and become the type of person I thought I already was, and always wanted to be - someone who loves others, someone generous, kind, who puts others first and is willing to give without thought of reward? I knew that self-centred part of me, isn’t who I want to be. 

And in time I began to see that selfish me, is not who I am deep down in my soul. 

The self-centred me, is my hurting, wounded, inner child, crying for the love and attention he didn’t get 20 years ago. And he’s been passively aggressively controlling my behaviour, my relationships, and deceiving me into thinking I was doing things for others, when often (though not always), it was still about me.

The great thing is now I’m aware of it, I’ve begin working this through. 

I’ve been intentional about asking people about themselves in social situations, in conversations online, on social media, and talking about them - and not talking about myself unless they ask me specifically. The work I’ve created or been planning I’ve intentionally been focussed on a desire to serve, encourage and build up others, and draw attention to them. Even if, as in this piece, I’m using my own story to do it (though I admit, it’s tough writing a piece about yourself in a way which can help others, which doesn’t draw too much attention to you. Bear with me, I’m still relatively new at this,)

I used this new approach at a party recently, and I admit, it felt really really good. It’s the most involved with conversations I’ve been and the most fun I’ve had chatting to people at a party in a long time, maybe ever. It was almost a relief to not talk about myself, and look outwards. It was like taking a vacation from me and my life, and a celebration of others. 

And above all, it felt liberating to be free of that old self, that self who turns everything on me, who makes everything self-centred. 

The thing is, in our culture, we’re actually encouraged to be self-involved, do what feels good for us, satisfy ourselves first. We all like talking about ourselves. 

But I’m finding the joy comes in looking outwards. Hearing others stories, being involved in their lives. People are fascinating, and the thing is, there’s usually at least one or two things you have in common.

If each of us looks outwards, then none of us will ever be alone. If we all pay more attention to others stories, then by default, there will always be someone to hear our story and when we’re in real need, more people there to genuinely support us. 

So I’m now trying, very intentionally, to be a more outward looking person, stop twisting everything to be about me, stop making my work about me, stop loving myself in an unhealthy way.

What I’m now learning, quite painfully, if I’m honest - is that loving ourselves isn’t about putting ourselves first. It’s about ascribing ourselves our true value - and doing the same to others. 

Loving ourselves is about taking care of ourselves - mind, body and soul. It’s about having routines and rhythms which show we value ourselves, and we believe we have value to give to others. It’s about seeing ourselves as part of a larger story with a role to play and giving ourselves our best chance to do that. 

When we ascribe ourselves our true value, we see that we don’t have more or less value than anyone else. We see that we are equally as valuable, precious, unique and important as anyone else’s. We realise we should practice healthy self-care, but also practice serving and loving others equally, if not more so.

Loving ourselves in a healthy way, is about how we can love others well. It doesn’t make us the centre of the universe, but part of a bigger story, where others have an equal role to play. 

And when we love ourselves in a healthy way, we know how to love others more effectively, more considerately and sensitively. 

Examples of self-care would be  eating healthy, exercising, practicing meditation, spending time reading and learning, giving ourselves space to decompress, spending time relaxing and having fun, and ensuring we get enough sleep. Basic practices which help us be healthier people. 

When we do the opposite of this - poor diet, being lazy, escaping into junk TV, addictions, compulsive behaviour, not sleeping, being anxious and stressed all the time (all of which I’ve been very guilty of) -  we’re not ascribing ourselves any value. 

And because these habits have a negative impact on our health, we get down, and can begin to play the victim, and make life all about us. Which leads to the flawed, selfish, egotistical, self-involved, self-centred version of self love which is so so damaging.

Loving ourselves is not about putting ourselves above others. It’s not about making life about us. It’s not about the world revolving around us. That’s not self-love, that’s love of self, it’s ego, pride, and it’s ultimately self centred. 

So I’m trying to take more care of myself. Not to be selfish, but because I value myself more. As I begin to value myself more, I begin to value others more. And because I’m practicing healthy self-love, it means I’m able to take more genuine interest in others, and put writing and creative material out into the world out of a desire to genuinely serve people, not promote me. 

In this piece, I’ve talked a lot about my own story. But I hope I’ve done it in a way which can be helpful to you. And I’m sure I’m not alone in my experiences. 

I’ve still got a ton to learn, and I don’t have this nailed down at all. But I’m learning, slowly but surely, to be a better, more self-less, outward looking person. I’m doing my best to change for the better.

And I guess in an imperfect world of imperfect people, that’s all any of us can say.