#i dont know whats wrong with me tonight
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#i havent slept at all#i havea shift in the morning#its 4:11 am#im exhausted#i dont know whats wrong with me tonight#i was fine today was going well#i dont know what happened or waht changed#i just#i want to be okay for once#please#peach vents#peach's personal post#please dont reblog
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#kip sabian#aew#all elite wrestling#aewedit#wrestlingedit#wrestling#night gifs#since we are brainworming really bad tonight.....#HEY BOY WHAT ELSE DOES THAT MOUTH DO--#dont ask whats wrong with me i dont know where to start#my beloved#kip in a box#(rp blogs dont reblog; saving and other personal use with tag credits is fine)#tw flashing
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mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"
me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"
mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"
me: "...my thing?"
mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"
me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"
mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"
me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"
AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!
#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good#not the worst definitely not the worst#just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.)#and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama''#number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu#my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything#and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that!#im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me#''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP.#i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind#like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.''#and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/''#mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over#i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family#this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!!#i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!!#i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible#i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out#i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose#i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!!#i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts#i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them#sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay#im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon#just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid#it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!!#or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that#suicide tw#abuse tw#ed tw
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feeling very. Something
#(negative)#idk what it is but the vibe is just. it doesnt feel right tonight#multi revamp is in the works i wish i worked on it more today but i opted to try spend time w friends#but that was. i think a mistake and the wrong choice to make i think i need to. stop doing that#i don't know why things feel so hard for me i wish i wasnt this way#i don't like posting sad shit like this on here but its. i dont know it helps sometimes to just say it#its not as good as saying it out loud but i have no one to say things out loud to#i have more friends on here than i do irl and despite timezones y'all are more present in my life than the people in my city so#this is. im gonna delete this post in a bit i just unfortunately do not feel the process is complete if i dont actually hit post idk#on the new blog when its finished im gonna. try not to do this any of this#im gonna try to be mostly ic stuff w v little ooc bc i know it gets annoying and i hate when i look at my blog and its all ooc
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getting out of my bed is ALWAYS a mistake <3
#give them an inch they'll take a mile#they always have to ruin everything#i just have to start the topic of ''uh so about dinner...'' and instead of perhaps. supposing.#that their kid struggling w various eating disorders might be already kinda stressed about the whole thing#they just go ooooooh yeah why not dine out tonight#FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU#why have you completely stopped giving a single flying shit about what might be difficult for me#the very second i started being able to control the VISIBLE UNSTOPPABLE PANIC#why does something have to be litterally the end of the world for me for you to fucking care for once#why is this the only way to have quality time with my own goddamn parents. mandated enabled binge sesh.#I KNOW IM THE PROBLEM#TRUST ME I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUT OF EACH OTHERS LIVES EITHER#BUT IN THE MEANTIME YOU COULD FUCKING TRY TO NOT TRAP ME INTO IMPROMPTU TORTURE SESSIONS#LESS THAN SIX MONTHS BEFORE IM OUT OF YOUR HAIR FOREVER HOPEFULLY#YOU SIGNED UP TO MAKE SOME SACRIFICES WHEN YOU HAD A KID CMON DONT GIVE UP NOW#im. god. i know i shouldnt hate them for that. they do make sacrifices and efforts.#just entierly the wrong sacrifices and efforts that don't ever fucking help#they're full of love but goddamn are they awful at raising a child#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Feeling the ace-solation tonight.
#asexual#aromantic even#it just feels like the whole world looks at marriage and kids as endgame and holy fuck no#people only ever focus on who is dating who and when are you having kids and when are you getting married#like what the fuck#im over here thinking about how much time i can mash together seeing friends#and what books i want to read and bring me joy#and always thinking about these fictional worlds that have brought me so much more happiness than this one#like you belong somewhere else#like what do you do when you know nothing is wrong with you but sure as hell know others would think there is if they KNEW you#in all your ace or aro or whatever else glory#i just want quiet and peace without this looming feeling of people looking at you like youre supposed to be doing more#like you're in some fucked up timeline of having to achieve these life goals that sure as fuck arent yours#like please leave me tf alone#make the norm be however you get your happiness is the goal#the feels are real tonight#an untethered feeling of floating away or something#dont mind me im going back to my asmr videos#these tags are a mess rn
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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my dad is literally giving me the silent treatment lmao
#he was an absolute asshole earlier but his apology was 'well i was just frustrated. it doesnt mean i was mad'#motherfucker you opened the door steps away from me SCREAMED & then slammed the door + left. bullSHIT it wasnt bc you were mad#and all i said was 'you didnt have to scream at me' bc guess what! he didnt!#but he said 'i guess i cant apologize for anything ever' and now wont speak to me#but he keeps saying shit to my mom like 'did you show ___ this' instead of. you know. asking me or showing me himself#still wont say a word to me#thats fine. i dont want to talk to him tonight anyway#it just hurts that thats clearly what hes doing. but if i say anything hell get angry all over again#and all of this... bc he got stuck in the driveway#milo murmurs#fuck him im so fucking sick of this. every day.#im so tired of feeling like im doing something wrong just by existing
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so i might replot my entire book haha
#what if i aged the characters#and changed the season#and put them in college#idk#you know tbh ive been writing the same story for so long and#NOT ONLY do i need to freshen it up a bit but i need to make it more exciting for myself#ive been in a bit of a rut lately so this hopefully will help me#this is going to take a LOT of work#tonight i am plotting a new version of the story#i dont want to write this if its not gonna work or interest me#also dont wanna risk doing it wrong#my book
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Friendly reminder that din's covert isnt. A cult. Like. Come on guys we've been through this before
#the mandalorian#friendly reminder! (hits you with a brick)#stop throwing the word around cause it makes you feel good 'ohh the strict practices and beliefs can only mean one thing!!! cult!!!' no you#dumb fucking shit cabbage it just means youve never had a Belief before. and it fucking shows#not even talking abt religion just. actually yk what yea i am talking abt religion fuck you#my religion supports me. it makes me feel safe. it gives me structure. sick and tired of you guys acting like its 'oppressive'#and that i (OR DIN) should be 'freed' shut up shut up shut up shut up#im sorry if religion isnt for you. like fine. do wtv im not your mom but for goddddds sake dont barge into my home and call yourself a hero#'but bo-katan-!' i adore bo-katan dont you use her against me. god forbid characters be wrong#god forbid characters be different from you. main character of the universe#sorry its 1 am im feeling very strongly abt this tonight. i like my religion. its a part of me. i know its intricacies in a way you dont#and like. guys. the covert doesnt even fit the fucking description of a cult come onnnnnnnnn how many times do we need to have this talk
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#i think it is because i am so desperate and miserable probably#but i just really wish i knew why i am not likeable fjfkdl#i feel like there is something so obvious that im oblivious to somehow. and everyone else sees it and hates it#and i just. cant figure it out#i feel like im one of those hateful bigots who cry abt how nobody likes them and its so obvious why nobody likes them#i hope I'm not that. but maybe i am idk. i cannot figure it out and im just really tired of trying and failing w ppl#fumbling every attempt to make friends#theres ppl being v nice to me on a sideblog where I've been sharing art and stuff and I'm just constantly waiting for me to fuck it up#and then they will realize whatever it is about me that puts everyone off. and i will lose the chances of friendship.#im so scared and tired. i just want to understand what im doing wrong so i can fix it and be better and be likeable#idk i think there is just smth inherently wrong within me. im off putting somehow. there is smth festering at my core maybe#and everyone else can just /sense/ it. and i am trying so hard to be good at socializing and friendships but i somehow fumble it always#i just wish i knew what it was that im doing wrong#or like... if its smth inherent within me I'd also like to know so i can just accept it finally and move on#argh idk this is so pathetic probably but i am just so frustrated w myself tonight#im just constantly waiting for me to somehow mess things up w the nice ppl in my life rn and be left without that again#and im not doing anything to self sabotage even!! im just treading very carefully!! and trying my best to be good!!#but it seems to always go wrong somehow like ppl just... pull away#idk. i feel so terrified that it's so obvious whats wrong w me and im just not seeing it#i keep trying to look but i cannot see what it is so idk !! i keep looking!! i dont understand !!
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I thought I was getting better and everything wasn't hurting me so much anymore but I was wrong. I don't know. I'm sorry
#i dont know whats wrong with me at this point if i get a job im going to refund most of the commissions i got that havent been started yet#i cant do it yet because my bank is in the negative. but i dont think i can do anything anymore#i really just give up on life again. im doing my best to finish what i have but it's so difficult#i try and try and try and do all these stupid things and medications and none of it ever helps#thanks to those who have helped me because i really appreciate it#i did finish one of them tonight. but it's taken this long. im really just hopeless
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My physio wants me to go outside and walk every day. I feel like I should have warned her that the likelihood of me having that kind of energy is incredibly small, and even if it's there, that energy needs to go towards shit like cooking before trips outside
#delete later#it makes me feel lazy sometimes that i hsve so little energy but at thr same time i know that its not my fault#trying to keep a good level of functioning in terms of self care like eating and washing and chores is already really difficult#whilst working full time. i may have the energy for every other day after the flat inspection. tonight i need to reserve energy for#tidying and shit before that. im so tired i legitimately had to fitce myself not to lie down earlier bc i knew I wouldn't be getting back u#idk what the fuck is wrong with me but this is how ive been since i was like 11/#12 and had to lie down after school#i also keep teetering on the edge of a real freak out. ive been switched to probrct management again so im doing a bunch#of emailing abd communicating and checking. most of which doesnt have concrete answers and relies on understanding#whst ppl are trying to say in their survey responses. which i rly rly struggle with. and on top of that several things#have changed this week at work ahd its impacted my workload sbd responsibilities a lot so im trying to breathe theough it#but im incredibly frustrated and stressed and overwhelmed and having to spend at least a couple hours under weighted blanket each day#most ofbthe tine i dont require the weighted blanket its just nice. i require it right now. frustrating
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submitted my first app 😖
#😭 didn’t plan to start this early but they said to do it by tonight and now i am worried abt when other companies want their apps in. i#should have asked them#i don’t think they all want them in now tho bc one of them told me she doesn’t start responding until january which. probably means i can#wait a bit right?? i don’t know 😭#personal#the engineering chronicles#feeling pretty okay abt how today went actually one employer told me i have a very high gpa and that she thought she read it wrong and#another i was talking to abt how even though they’re not a primarily medical company they do do medical stuff and i named and spoke abt the#things they’ve worked on and he seemed impressed by that knowledge. so#really worried tho bc. there are hardly any medical places my school has approved to apply to for this and companies that dont do medical#stuff don’t want biomedical engineering interns even if everything but my electives is the same as an ee’s coursework. bc we’re not going t#stick around for them to hire post grad. like ppl from these companies are straight up telling me not to bother applying or that they don’t#accept apps from ppl in my major etc. which fucking sucks especially since in ADDITION to that the vast vast majority of the companies#that Do have medical stuff going on are mechanical or manufacturing based not electrical. like. what do you expect me to do here#there is one company (the one the guy seemed impressed w me abt) that does electrical and coding stuff and i am really really interested in#them. but as i said the medical stuff is not their main focus and they’re more an all around place. and they also won employer or the year#or whatever a couple years ago. which means Everyone is going to be applying to this company. ugh
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I literally don't know what is wrong with my brain right now and it is starting to really bother me. As long as I am physically around people I'm fine. I'm talking with them, interacting with them, I'm great. The second I'm alone??? BAD. This has never happened to me before in my life.
#I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG#WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD#I am so full of anxiety for absolutely no reason#I was sooooo out of it last night and literally slept like actual shit#and am concerned it is going to be the same tonight#I feel insanely understimulated and nothing is fixing it#I don't think I'm lonely but maybe that's what it is???#I don't think I'm very stressed but that could cause it I guess#my apartment is decently clean so that's not it#I have done projects and read and played video games and done physical exercise#I have spent time with people in person quite a bit recently AND time with people over the phone#I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG AND I AM DISTRESSED#maybe its caffiene???? but I only had one coffee today at fucking like 10 am#that shouldn't be doing this to me and I don't think I've drank caffiene everyday for the past idk two weeks?#music isn't helping. the gym isn't helping. tv isn't helping. fanfic isn't helping.#I don't know what to do guys
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