#holding on because maybe someday
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When all you want is snuggles but all you get is struggles UGH
Can't even tell if I'm having a minor breakdown or if it's just fucking hormones ffs KITTY COME BACK~
#cat wants to play not snuggle#but it's 4 am and I have roommates#who do not need to wake up because I'm crying in the bathroom#step forward- I dont think I'm mad at my dad anymore#step back- too late#why do I feel like I'm just waiting#waiting for something good#working but barely staying afloat#holding on because maybe someday#something#someone#some reason#it'll be worth it#right?#no letting go#not yet anyway#maybe and what if and someday#hope is a thing with teeth
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#a lil quick something to hold you guys over… kinda in a slump lol#also using another universe of agents this time because *spoilerss*#there are so many different agent groups and aus I got up my sleeves… maybe I’ll talk about them someday#for now… family arc and tws#splatoon#splatoon 3#side order#side order spoilers#parallel canon#agent 8#agent 4#oc: Saturn#oc: Ember#AU-01
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something something i will follow you into the dark (comic wip)
#this comic isn't angst i promise. maybe#another wip because im an impatient person at heart and i've been working on this comic since JANUARY#arrrghhh why isn't it done? i say#knowing full well it's not done because i kept not working on it#zukka#zuko#sokka#mywips#i dont' even know if this panel makes sense out of context#i thought i'd get this done by sunday but there's no way that's happening so here. have another wip on what's apparently a wip account now#okay i was just putting that song as a title because it popped into my head bc of the way they were standing but it made me look up those#lyrics and damn. that's a zukka angst song right there ill tell ya#“love of mine someday you will but i'll be close behind” sobs#cause we'll hold each other soon
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hold me
#this is cut paper with pastels on it#art#traditional art#paper cutting#artists on tumblr#queer artist#t4t#t4t To Me#bunny4bunny#i am so lonely. i had my blood drawn today and i fainted and the nurse patting me on the back made me tear up because it felt too good#sorry for being fucked up rn ill be normal someday maybe if someone holds me#ever#ill just do bunnies about it
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The MHA vestiges/OFA holders make me so terribly ill.
they make me so sad. They make me so sad and I love them so much. All of them. From the first to the seventh. (I dont count All Might as a vestige since he isn't dead) . All of them died horribly (maybe not for Hikage since he just died of old age lmao loser died at 40 💀💀)
btw I made an AU with @rockin-it-rusty so read more to know (be careful, spoilers for after the finale war!)
We made an AU where after the war & the defeat of AFO & Shigaraki, the holders come back to life (since they all died because of AFO/OFA, and since both of it finally came to an end, I think it would be fair for the holders to finally get a fucking change at LIVING.) and they now have to adapt to the post-final war world & their new quirks (since they keep their evolved quirks ^^) & evolutions of society :)
I think a few points I would love to explore in this AU is the shear amount of angst you can get out of Nana coming back, ≈40 years after her death, still looking like the day she died(in her 20's) and meeting a 50+ years old Toshinori (y'know, her protégé? Her sorta adoptive son?) and her friend Sorahiko Torino who used to be her crime fighting partner and is now a senil(not really) old man. Imagine how devastated she can be. She knows that the man who put her friend in the hospital is her grandson. She knows they had to fight someone who shared her blood. Nana coming back to life has such amazing angst potential it's sickening.
Another point I wanna explore is the first user, Yoichi, Yoichi SHIGARAKI. You know.. AFO's brother? His twin? His blood? Yeahh. Yoichi coming back to a world destroyed by his brother. Not only does he grieve his brother, but he feels responsible for everything that has happened. Why does he gets to be alive again? Therapy might be needed here. Everyone HATES AFO, so why would anyone welcome him?
Then, we ofc have the fact that most(if not all) of the vestiges are WAR veterans who died HORRIBLE deaths. That means : nightmares, flashbacks, PTDS, potentially derealisation from their time as vestiges, paranoia and other mental illnesses/health issues. We also have : phantom pains!!! Phantom pain is really important since : En got sliced in two. He died losing half of his body and his right hand. He HAS to feel some kind of phantom pain even if they're back once he get resurrected; and Bruce got stabbed, having a gaping hole in his torso.. he had to be feeling some phantom pain too! Then, obviously, with Kudo & Nana getting choked, I can imagine that it would feel a certain way (choking is very easy, and the feeling of hands squeezing the life out of you is something you don't ever forget)...
we also have a few other ideas and stuff, so stay tuned ^^
#aro's statement#mha#mha spoilers#mha au#bnha#my hero academia#yoichi shigaraki#mha kudou#mha bruce#hikage shinomori#banjo daigoro#en tayutai#nana shimura#all for one#one for all#ofa users#ofa vestiges#I personally adore the vestiges and hold them very dearly#I'm a huge fan of Kudo/Kudou btw. He's my favourite character (don't tell Shinso I replaced him)#Yoichi would feel like shit knowing he never was able to save his brother and he would feel responsible for the war. He always did.#they all need therapy#they all need a hug but I dont think they would feel comfortable having one#They wished for a “normal” life? Get one idiot. Normal? What is normal? Is that not normal enough?#I feel like they would all have psychological issues#mha milk au#Its called “milk” because of the Jack Stauber's Micropop song btw#Thanks Rusty for the title/name#We're gonna write it someday#And draw it maybe???#The vestiges are so important to me
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insatiable appetite [1/?]
sooo... this is one of the thirstiest things i have written—and also one of the only times i've written a character with the kink, ever T.T warnings in advance for mess, character getting sneezed on, implied contagion, possible ooc-ness, & me writing this entirely with my d instead of my head
ivan and till are from al//ien sta//ge (a very fun watch which will only take 30 mins out of your life; i really recommend it!!). that said, this fic takes place in a modern au setting, so feel free to read it without any prior context :)
special thanks to @6pmsoup for sending me a very cute alnst doodle of these two which altered my brain chemistry permanently
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Summary: Till shows up to a dinner outing with a brewing cold. Ivan suffers. (est. relationship, kink!Ivan, ~2k words)
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For all Till tries to hide it, Ivan can tell immediately.
There’s this: Ivan has been paying attention to Till for most of his life. A full decade before they’d gotten together officially, and some more—this is how long Ivan has had to observe his tells. Always from the sidelines, always with a detached air of indifference that, in reality, was anything but.
All the signs are there the night before. Till, turning up the thermostat a couple degrees higher than he usually keeps it. Spending a little too long in the shower and using up almost all of the hot water. Clearing his throat one too many times in the morning before Ivan leaves for work, his smile distracted, the rasp of his voice nearly indistinguishable—but only nearly.
Now, Till is here for dinner—it’s a dinner they’ve had plans for a couple weeks now, at one of the nicer restaurants downtown, in celebration of Till’s recent promotion. Ivan had booked the reservation a couple weeks in advance.
When Till arrives, stepping out of a taxi cab, he’s wearing a scarf, even though the weather is too warm for it. Ivan steps up to meet him.
“Sorry I’m late,” Till says. “Traffic here was the worst I’ve ever seen it, swear to god.”
“Was it cold outside today?” Ivan asks, a little pointedly, tilting his head towards his scarf.
Till looks at him, his expression unreadable. Then he nods. “Colder than usual, for this time of year.”
“Strange,” Ivan says, just to be difficult. “But the weather forecast says it’s the same temperature today as yesterday.”
“It’s probably just windier today,” Till says, readjusting his scarf around his neck. His face is a little flushed.
“Your voice sounds a little off, though.”
Till clears his throat with a scowl. “You must be imagining it,” he says. “It always sounds like this.”
No admission, then. That’s fine. Ivan will get the truth out of him at some point. He lets Till guide him into the restaurant.
It’s a nice restaurant—worth the hassle of the reservation, Ivan thinks. Each table is set with flowers arranged tastefully in long glass vases, empty wine glasses turned on their heads. The server—who leads them to their table in a small, private booth—is wearing a suit.
It’s a shame, really. Ivan has a feeling that he won’t be able to pay attention to any of that tonight.
They sit. Ivan looks down at the menu, picks out something at random in a matter of seconds. Truthfully, he can hardly think of anything less worth his attention right now. He turns his attention to Till instead—Till, who’s seated directly across from him, the scarf still around his neck, obscuring the lower half of his face.
Till sniffles, reaching down to turn the page, and oh. The sniffle is terribly liquid—has he been sniffling like that all afternoon? Perhaps it’s a good thing that they work at different offices—Till at a law firm, Ivan as a senior manager at a consulting company—because Ivan certainly doesn’t think he’d be able to get any work done with Till sniffling like that.
It’s not two minutes later that Till is reaching up to wipe his nose against the back of one knuckle. All in all, it’s discreet. Just a quick brush of the fingers against his nose, which is still hidden under the scarf. Though, the look of sheer ticklishness that passes over his features for a brief moment there is...
“What are you thinking of ordering?” Ivan asks.
“I can’t decide,” Till answers. He turns the page again. “It’s between the ribeye steak and the… snf! The pork belly. Is this the kind of place that skimps on the portion sizes?”
“Not from their Yelp reviews,” Ivan says. “You know, if you really can’t decide, I can flip a coin.”
“I’ll pick,” Till says. “Why? Hungry already?”
He looks up, now. His eyes are a little watery. There’s a faint flush over the bridge of his nose. Ivan thinks that if he reached out and touched him, he’d probably be running warm. The thought is almost unbearable.
“Your taxi did take forever to arrive,” Ivan says, by way of explanation.
“Did you really wait that long?”
He looks uncertain, for a moment. Ivan says, “Not at all. But you know, I’m always impatient when it comes to you.”
Till rolls his eyes, but it’s fond. “There was a meeting that ran late. I wasn’t avoiding you.”
“Is that also a part of your new position?” “I guess so, yeah.”
“I can see why they were eager to promote you, then,” Ivan says. “How productive can late afternoon meetings be, anyways?”
Till snorts. “Not that important. It definitely could have been an email instead. I was about ready to doze off.”
He sniffles again. “Okay. I think I know what I want.” The way he says know betrays the slightest hint of congestion.
“At long last,” Ivan says, just to be a little bit of an ass. “I’ll call over the waiter.”
He flags their waiter down, waits for Till to order first.
“A spiced apple cider,” Till adds on, at the end, with the slightest of coughs. “Hot, if you can.”
That’s new, too. Till seldom orders hot drinks at restaurants, though he’ll drink tea without complaint if it’s offered. Perhaps his throat hurts, then, from the cold that has clearly started to settle in his system. Subtle, still, but Ivan is familiar with colds like this. He knows it will probably only be a few hours before this deceptively “small” cold turns into…
Ivan orders, too, and thanks the waiter, who leaves with a curt nod. When he looks back over to Till, there’s a… strange something to Till’s expression, a slight distractedness. Irritation.
Ivan swallows hard. He should look away.
He should, but then, Till’s breath hitches. He pulls the scarf higher over his face preemptively, as if he anticipates having something to have to cover for. The sharp intake of breath that follows is breathy, though Ivan can hear Till’s voice in it. He should really look away.
Instead, he takes the scene in, painstakingly, little by little, as Till’s shoulders jerk forwards. As Till presses a hand to the scarf, presses the fabric closer to his face, to muffle a sneeze into his fingertips:
“hhH-Ih!! hiHH-’IESCHH-eew-!”
God. It sounds utterly miserable, the harsh release of it scraping against his throat, the spray tearing into his scarf. It’s the kind of cold sneeze that is undeniably telling: this is going to be one hell of a cold. It’s not very quiet, either, even muffled into the fabric.
For more reasons than one, Ivan is glad they’re in a private corner of the restaurant, not somewhere more public.
“Bless you,” he offers, once he can trust himself to speak. It’s a good thing that Till is too distracted to look up at him right now. Ivan isn’t sure he can keep what he’s feeling off of his face.
Truthfully, he isn’t sure he’s going to be able to endure a whole night of this.
The problem here is that Till—Till, of all people; Till, who Ivan has been pathetically in love with for almost as long as he can remember—has no idea about Ivan’s… relatively niche interests. That is to say, he has no idea what effect it has on Ivan when he does that.
“Thanks,” Till says, a little stuffily. He sniffles again, lowering his hand.
Ivan can’t help it. He knows he shouldn’t pursue this line of questioning, but he can feel his self-control dwindling by the second. “Don’t you think it would be better to take off your scarf, now that we’re inside?”
Till freezes. “Y-You know what,” he says evasively. “It’s pretty cold in here.”
Ivan tilts his head in question. “And just how do you plan on eating like that?”
“I’ll take it off when our food comes.”
“I can ask the waiter to turn the temperature up, if it’s a problem,” Ivan says.
“It’s not a problem.”
Ivan rises from his seat. Till watches him, perplexed, as he heads to the opposite side of the table, where Till is seated.
When he gets there, he stops. Stands, unmoving, so he can study Till from above.
“What are you—”
Ivan reaches out, settles his palm across Till’s forehead. As expected, it’s warm. Not quite feverish, which is a good sign, but warm enough to be notable.
“Just how long were you intending to hide this?”
Till stares back at him, wide-eyed. “Hide what?”
Shouldn’t it be obvious? “The fact that you have a cold.”
“I didn’t think it was worth mentioning,” Till says, slowly.
“Hmm.” Ivan drops his hand to his side. He is a little concerned, now. “We could’ve called a rain check.”
This time Till really does roll his eyes. “For the reservation we planned weeks ahead?” he sniffles again. “That just sounds completely and utterly unnecessary. Are you the type of person to call things off just over a little cold?”
Ivan leans over, tugs down the edge of Till’s scarf. Till bats his hand away just a moment too late, cups his other hand over his face to shield his face from view. For a moment, he looks faintly mortified.
Then his expression settles into something more disgruntled. “What are you doing?” he hisses.
So uncooperative. “Let me see,” Ivan says. Slowly, gently, he pries Till’s hands away from his face, and then—because the restaurant is dimly lit—tilts Till’s face up slightly so that it catches more of the overhead light.
Till’s nose is redder than usual. He’s probably been rubbing it all afternoon, if the redness that percolates into his cheeks is any indication. There’s a damp, liquid sheen on the underside of his nose.
“What’s there to see?” Till says, a little crossly.
“Your face, since you’ve been so intent on hiding it under that scarf,” Ivan says, leaning in to get a better look.
Till scowls at him, but there’s no heat to it. “You see my face every day.”
“On the contrary, I don’t see it nearly enough,” Ivan says. “And you hardly ever get sick. Is it so wrong for me to be concerned?”
Without looking, he reaches behind him with one hand to grab a couple cocktail napkins. The other hand he keeps held up to Till’s cheek.
But then, Till’s breath hitches. “Wait,” he says. Panic flashes through his face. “Ivan, move, I—”
Oh. Well, seeing as there’s no way he’ll be able to get the napkins over in time, it looks like he’ll have to improvise. If Till wants to cover, Ivan can help with that. He moves his hand to cup it loosely over Till’s mouth. Not a second too late, it seems. Till jerks forward unceremoniously, his nose twitching, his eyes squeezing shut.
“hHheh-! HHh’EIITShHh’yYiew!” he gasps sharply. Two? “Hh-! hHiiH’DSSCSSHh-IIew!”
The jolt of the sneezes is practically electrifying—all of that force, brought to an abrupt halt behind Ivan’s waiting palm. He feels the expulsion of air against his skin, the warmth of Till’s breath, feels the slight dampness behind his hand as the spray mists over his fingertips.
Ivan swallows, hard. Thank god it’s so dark here, otherwise Till might notice what this is doing to him.
“Bless you,” he says, withdrawing his hand at last to wipe it on one of the cloth napkins. It comes out slightly raspier than he intends it to, though perhaps it’s a miracle that he’s still able to talk at all. “Some cold, hmm?” Belatedly, he hands Till the stack of napkins.
Till practically snatches them from him, turns aside to blow his nose wetly into the top few. The way he sniffles afterwards suggests that his nose is still very much running.
“Do you have no self preservation? It’s as if you want to catch this,” Till says, drawing back with another sniffle.
Oh, Ivan thinks, fighting back a shiver. That would be far from the worst thing.
#sneeze fic#sneeze kink#snz fic#snz kink#my fic#i needed to get this out of my system 😭 i know its unpolished#i thought i was already baring my soul with the ki//ll//er pe//ter fic but this is so much worse#special apology to my dear friends who have been forced to listen to me talk nonstop about al//n//st (you know who you are) (and if you see#this i'm personally sorry 😭) maybe someday i will write something for them that is less unhinged and perhaps more in character#the thought of kink!iva//n just took hold of me and then this fic materialized#still experimenting with different flavors of writing him... balancing my understanding of his character w this specific kink flavor was#an experiment for sure. like how do you balance concern and desire/selfishness?#i couldn't figure it out so just leaned very hard into the latter#also the 1/? is a placeholder; writing this was already testing the limits of my courage LOL#if i sit here i'll write another 200 disclaimers because i'm embarrassed to be posting this so i'll just schedule the post now
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UNTITLED EVIL LUIGI AU COMIC THING | Page 2 & 3 of (???)
Eggman Bowser’s come to make an announcement. Particularly to shut down any premonitions Mario may be holding onto a little too tightly. Bowser and Mario are able to set aside their differences (for now, at least) so that they can work together on a common goal-- figuring out where the hell Luigi is.
(A/N under cut)
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believe me when i say i really wanted to link all the pages together in a neat, practical way so that everything would appear more organized than it actually is, but tumblr hates me and won’t let my posts show up in the tags if i include a hyperlink of any kind. :D
i read somewhere that tumblr only disallows posts from showing up in tags if it includes an external link (vs an internal/link to another tumblr page), which, in theory, shouldnt be an issue since the pages i’d be linking to are also on tumblr but regardless it’s not cooperating with me anyway. i’ve been on tumblr for what feels like a million years but this is the first time ive tried to make my posts cohesive like this so if anyone knows how to fix this issue im all ears 🙃 for the record, everything related to this au will be going into the following tags on my blog: #my art, and #evil luigi au. we’ll just have to sort things that way for now, i guess 😭
i start work tomorrow so can’t say when there will be a new page but i do have a lot planned out already. so hopefully i’ll be able to continue what ive started for at least a handful of more pages 🤠 next page will be fun to work on. for a bowuigi-centered story, where’s the luigi?! he’ll show up soon. just in the form of a flashback for now though 👀
also sorry if my handwriting is evil. it’s just personally easier/faster to write out everything by hand than type everything out but i may try to type the next page’s dialogue to see how it goes and to see if it makes things look ✨cleaner✨
(also also i spent so much time trying to figure out how to draw them doing a handshake for the “truce” panel. i ultimately failed. therefore.... fist bumps LMAO)
#bowuigi#bowser x luigi#bowser#mario#super mario bros#super mario movie#bowuigi comic#my art#mine#evil luigi au#remember how i said last time there will be absolutely no consistency to this in any sense of the word#these 2 pages really showcase that LOL#love how i go from drawing bowser with a full set of teeth to like. 3#maybe i really should consider typing out the text thatd probably help#anyway i hope i can keep this going for a bit#i do plan on writing an original comic someday so this is good practice/is a good confidence booster for me#i love drawing bowser holding teeny ass cups. it is so funny to me. why#also working on trying to better distinguish this story from mr L's story#because when i started it i did not really know about the whole mr L thing LOL#so im hoping it doesnt seem like im trying to like.......rip off that whole concept#that would be sad :(
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listening to against the kitchen floor and WOW this is EXTREMELY stancest. specifically post-canon and from ford’s guilty pov. goddamn
#stancest#you should know that i’m sorry for being careless with you#lord knows i owe you more than i’m pretty sure i ever could give anybody#so i could hold your hand but keep you at arm’s length#i swear i’m really trying#it just don’t come natural to me to think that you’d want me for me#oh i’m sorry i promise i’m doing my best#i just haven’t learned hiw to be human as you are yet#i still don’t know who you are#i only know i’m still lonely#that morbid sorr where even company can’t cure me#AND THE MORE YOU REASSURE. THE LESS I TRUST.#I KEEP A LOCKET WITH A PICTURE OF THE BACK OF MY HEAD!!!!#I’VE LIVED MORE LIVES THAN ENOUGH I HAVEN’T DIED QUITE AS MUCH#DID I HAVE ANY OF THAT GRAVITY MAYBE YOU’RE QUICKSAND BECAUSE I REALLY COULDN’T TELL HOW DEEP MY FOOTPRINTS WENT#I’M CATATONIC IN YOUR ARMS CEYING HOW DID I CAUSE SO MUCH HARM…#I’M DOWN POUNDING MY HEAD AGAINST THE KITCHEN FLOOR APOLOGIZING FOR MY LIFE AND EVER ENTERINF YOURS#I KNOW *YOU’VE GOT SCARS OF YOUR OWN*#I SWEAR I’M SO FUCKING SORRY I’M NOT A GOOD PERSON I’M BARELY A PERSON AT ALL BUT SOMEDAY I’LL BE PERFECT AND I’LL MAKE UP FOR IT ALL.
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“everyone is capable of experiencing goodness and joy. not me th-“ *EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER*
#OH BUT YOU ARE!!!!! YOU ARE!!! i literally prommy#i do NOT prommy if i dont mean it👍#it fluctuates and it wont always be there bc thats how life and adversity is but it’s THERE!!!#it’s there in the cracks and crevices of your silly little life#it’s in the girl at the mall who looked you in the eyes and smiled#it’s in the baby that stares at you like you hold all the warmth and love in the universe#it’s in the tiny victories like ‘i drank water today’ ‘i woke up today’ ‘i was okay with myself today’#it’s in the laughter experienced by people around you even if you dont feel like you can participate where you’re at#it’s in your favorite songs and your favorite color and your favorite food and your favorite animal and your favorite blanket and#and it’s in your favorite hobby your favorite outfit your favorite type of bug your favorite tree#and it’s in that safe place you have whether that is the corner of your room or your bed or the bathroom or your floor or wherever it is#the goodness sits there and it sinks in and it doesn’t go away even when you forget it’s there because of all the bad things overshadowing i#it#the goodness sinks its claws into you and sometimes you cannot help but be in awe#maybe you do not feel it right now#but it is there#and i promise that someday you will find it wherever it is resting#cathy says words#comfort#important
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fancy bf x casual gf 🩵 (I FINALLY DREW IT LOL)
#i tried to back in february but didn't love how it came out 😅#shaky hands today and i'm out of practice lol so just a very casual piece but i think it's cute !! :')) <3#the holding hands are actually an abstract artistic decision okayyy it's not because i was too lazy to struggle with them (<- lie)#if AI scrubs this art i'm certainly not helping their hand problem LMAO maybe i'm just fighting the good fight...#also omg i never do our size/height difference justice... i'm too used to drawing short guys KSJDKFSJDFJ i'll figure it out someday i swear#selfship art#selfship#self ship community#self shipping community#self ship art#randalltag#caitiearts
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DOG SHOW AU where Viktor is a borzoi and has been Best In Show for the last 5 years, and is polite to other dogs but lacks any true friends, while Yuuri is a dark-coated shiba inu who looks up to Viktor (both metaphorically and literally lol) but gets stressed easily and struggles with shows
#I NEED THIS AU SO BAD#i don't know how it would end because viktor's human is presumably yakov and yuuri's is probably minako#and if they live in russia/japan then it would be hard for them to meet up#maybe they just live in the same city/country and their owners meet up for playdates and dogsit for each other#viktuuri#victuuri#viktor nikiforov#victor nikiforov#(i don't know how to spell it anymoreee like back in the day it felt like most used k but now everyone seems to be back to c??)#yuuri katsuki#yuri on ice#yoi#yuri!!! on ice#(again what is the correct tag aaaa)#anyway maybe i'll draw this someday#(but if anyone else wants to PLEASE)#also please imagine yakov holding an unimpressed/self-satisfied viktor the way people hold greyhounds like stick figures lmao#yoi dog show au
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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Under the cut are mostly self-insert doodles of decreasing quality. Again, not much directly tied to Team Fortress 2. Might as well toss these out while I have no access to my puter. Much yapping under the cut and in the tags incoming.
Another self-insert, this time less of a "here's me as a tenth class" and more of a "here's my game experiences translated into the class I would take the place of". The Cleaner. Although I guess they could still be wearing either suit. It doesn't matter that much.
That one Convict's Case taunt with Backup would be extremely funny, because the man would be on the verge of a breakdown (he does not want to go to jail so bad you have no idea). The second image- I owe no explanation. You know what I am. You see the pattern with my favourites.
The duality of the man. Resting face versus "just heard you express interest in religion/Russian folklore" face. He's not that hard to make friends with, when you pull him away from all the explosions.
Some doodles of trying to figure his face out. Unfortunately, the more I stare at him, the more I worry that he looks like A Certain Guy With The Last Name "Kazarin", and the fear of never being original in my life caught up to me.
Don't look at me, don't perceive me, I refuse to explain any of my actions to you.
#team fortress 2#tf2#that's it that's the only tags i am putting this in. maybe someday i will have the balls to do more but for now that's about it#while i have the chance - and since posts with more of my yapping in the tags don't pop in people's feeds much - i might as well ramble-#-about these guys here. self-inserts or not i'm projecting only half of my bullshit on each one of them. creativity 👍#backup is tall and pale and has sharp canines and more of a dull brown hair colour with tired grey eyes. no amount of babyface or soft-#-hands can really help a motherfucker when he's grimacing so much because he just Hates being around half the people on the team.#cleaner meanwhile is on the shorter side and has constantly flushed skin and brighter colours and whatnot. you can't see it because of the-#-mask most of the time but they do smile a lot more and have a more cheery disposition towards life and see the whole team as their friends!#backup transitioned fully (albeit not very legally lmao) and is scared shitless of not being seen as a man although the last time that ever-#-came up was years ago. he holds onto his last name as part of the heritage he loves and loathes at the same time - attached to his culture-#-and religion and bloodline while also resentful of his family and the regime he knows someone else on the team suffered under.#cleaner just kinda binds and calls it a day. he only does it to confuse the team because while he doesn't identify with being a girl he-#-loves the confused looks his epic gender reveal moment gets. they do not remember their family name or where they grew up or what even got-#-them to this kind of mental state. and he's chill with it he values the here and now way more than some dark edgy backstory.#backup despite trying to be an honest man is afraid of vulnerability as well. he stubbornly refuses to express love towards certain people-#-lest they feel disgusted and turn away. he's afraid of consequences afraid of losing the people he loves afraid of his ''interests'' being-#-what drives them away. it doesn't by the way and he just wasted time being a cold indecisive loser for several months lmao#cleaner wears a suit that hides all of them yes but they pretty much never lie. he is always his truest self and he can always just burn-#-people who don't like him enough to make it a problem. they are a lot more comfortable indulging in their interests - be they innocent-#-and juvenile or violent and dangerous. he is quite open with his affection and his fascinations that backup would rather keep secret.#i want to establish that these two can only exist in separate universes because they both have feelings towards the funny assistant lady-#-and the funny inventor guy (selfshipping for the winnn) and would fight over those two. cleaner would win by the way#it's also a really funny point of comparison. cleaner is objectively more fucked up than backup and still managed to be more normal about-#-their feelings and live as a healthier and happier person than that guy. comedic gold honestly#OKAY I'M DONE if you read up to here you get uhhh a cookie :-)
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immensely unfair that I have to just keep going always. I think I should be able to pause life whenever I want and spend one million hours LARPing and playing video games and cooking and jacking off and playing D&D and singing and hanging out with my son (snake) and looking at a bird and touching a tree and watching pretty people and being so so cozy in bed and just spend a while remembering why I love my work before I go back to doing it
#and I can never truly enjoy any of these things because there are people who will never get a chance to do them#and like yeah obviously monthly donations are a good thing to do and are helpful but like#if I’m not willing to put my life on hold does anything really matter#the people at the booth said that I should stop being friends with people who don’t come to the rally#and like no. I’m not willing to do that#I might not even go to the rally because I have a midterm a couple hours later#like#is anything worth it#this is a horrible sentence but I wish I had time to be depressed#fuck#but I gotta keep living#because maybe someday I will be able to make a difference#joey gibberish
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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Random yes but thank u for making that frusan art awhile ago it's adorable and i love seeing more art of this underappreciated ship :D!!!
ahhh thank you!!! frusan is so underrated FOR REAL, i guess it's probably because after Islands they all but disappeared (like i think they were only shown twice after that and that's including in Fionna & Cake (which i actually missed when i watched it bc its such a brief glimpse)) but like. still. I actually have a little idea for another frusan drawing (frieda and susan talking on a roof grown-up edition) but I have to break up the dialogue into parts & think of more Susan Reactions so it's not just Frieda monologuing at her lol
#frieda is such a compelling character to me augh because seriously living on the islands sounds like. idk. scary in an existential way#like if I lived on that tiny(?) island always with the same people and didn't have hope that I would maybe someday get to explore someplace#new and meet new people. i would explode i think.#and frieda HAS hope & the drive to follow through with it#but then susan goes robo-mode and like surely any hope is just GONE after that#thats such a crazy interesting dynamic can't believe everyone else on earth isn't also insane about this#obviously it's not susan's fault that she went robo-mode but it's still recieved as a betrayal yk. so sad :(#and then susan went after finn & they probably all assumed she was dead#AHHH??? i can't even imagine how that would have felt for frieda?? like imagine you're trying to get off the islands and your favourite#person won't go with you but she helps you. but then she betrays you (not her fault but yk) and then (i'm assuming its not even that long#after) she's sent off the islands and she goes willingly#like wowww way to rub salt in the wound susan omg (i love susan this is not susan negativity)#my little angsty hc about that is like. frieda still holds a little bit of resentment towards her for what happened but she knows she#shouldn't because what if susan was right? what if she left the islands and it wasn't safe and she DIED?#but then also what if she isn't? what if she just left and it wasn't worth coming back? what if frieda wasn't worth coming back for? yanno#stuff like that. AGHHH hhh i love frieda#and then they go adventuring together and work it out and kiss on the mouth#uhhh i'll stop myself there before i write a whole essay in the tags (or maybe i already have ahahah...) but yeah. i love frusan :3
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