#having a GREAT TIME with this thang if im being completely honest

[synoviid413]

you open me up like a zip bomb!

[whitetrashjj]

Lara’s birthday mutual appreciation rant

Anyway as of 50 minutes ago, it’s my birthday and I’ve been playing tennis all day so naturally, I’m drunk.  

So feeling the love and affection right now, I thought why not show some appreciation to all my mutuals who are amazing and I love. 

there is a good chance I’ll regret this when I’m sober but lets take that gamble

Let’s start with a blanket statement, which is how happy even having mutuals makes me. Things from seeing my mutuals on my dash to seeing my posts on my dash and even just seeing that little *reblogged from* you thing makes me smile. Every time any of you say my name in your tags, it just remind me that you are real people and that I am real and some how I am connected to all these amazing people from around the world. i don’t even care if sometimes you have to check my description to remember my name

Having an outlet where I can share my thoughts and feelings on these stupid things I get obsessed with is amazing, and the fact that even one of you would listen to my stupid rants means the most to. I honestly think this is something we take for granted and some times we focus to much on the negative but tonight we are sharing the love, because we need more of that in this world. 

In all honesty I don’t talk to many of you, and the ones that I do it’s only been once or twice. Please don’t take this the wrong way, mostly I think that I’m not that interesting, so why would you want to talk to me ? If I ever drop out of a conversation randomly it’s because I think I’m boring you and I don’t want to bother you even if you messaged me first . If I never message you first I promise it’s not because I don’t want to talk, but more my brain tells me you only wanted to talk once about that specific topic and then never wanted to interact again. But I promise if you want to talk to me, I’m always game.

That fact that you all continue to follow me and support me even when i’m posting and talking shit, or go through phases of shows that you don’t watch, or post about characters or ship that you don’t like, or sometimes actively hate (*cough*murven*cough*), really does mean alot in this small little world and i want to thank all of you for it... 

Now onto some specifics... in no particular order 

@clarkegriffintitties - i followed you because of you’re url because eternal mood, lets be real. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you this before, another drunk lara declaration, but not a single regret because you are officially my #1 crush, according to Tumblr. So keep doing your thang boo !

@eizagonzalezs - oh meg, a fellow cora hale stan. the literal reason I started watching the 100, you know back in the day when i thought they were canon and their names were the other way around. and ofcourse one of my murvensource gals. follow forever and eternal devotion !

@madigriffen - my other murvensource gal! i’m eternal grateful for you kat because I no longer feel like I’m single handedly coming out with murven content! im both shocked and impressed how quickly you have gained followers, but not at all surprised because you deserve every single on of them.

@blarke - maggie. you gave me this url. and that should be enough to express how much i appreciate you. but it’s not. you love for the boys from my old url, gendry and bell will always be remembered. and i wish you came and talked to me sooner because i honestly can’t remember what it’s like not to follow you, they must have been dark times. ALSO when I was stalking your about page when i first followed you i noticed our birthdays were one day apart, same year and all (different time zones but whatever) and that really excited me, so happy late birthday and hope you’re pumped for your 20′s!

@clarkebell - without a doubt one of my favourite mutuals. can i say, even though you seem like the sweetest most approachable people you intimidate the hell out of me. because you are pretty af, seem so cool and are all around just amazing. also i always love a fellow aussie, you are a blues supporter but i guess i can let that slide 

@starboybellamy - i feel the thing i will always associate with you is the ‘my husband doesn’t understand the meaning of fucking hurry’ text post because it was the most unintentionally blarke thing ever. i always live for you’re bfsn, partly because you’re usually drinking and/or drunk and i respect that, mainly because you are gorgeous ..

@bellofthesky - i followed you because tumblr wouldn’t stop recommending you’re blog. and for once they got something right! despite me not having followed you for very long (5th most recent follow) you are one of my top 9 tumblr crushes. basically, i feel you’re content boo so keep it up xx

@bellarkes-hope - how long have we been mutuals? about a month. how long have i thought we’ve been mutuals? like all year. not much to say other than i dropped the ball, I've corrected that mistake and i’m now out here living my best life will you on my dash

@bb-8 - have i watched a single star wars movie? nope. did i squeal with excitement for you when you got this url? of-fucking-course! cody, you are the queen of icons and an amazing person. and anyone who loves anne bonny as much as i do will always be loved and respected in this house

@sanssa - a multifandom blog that is actually consistently multifandom? sorcery or just an icon? maybe both. Kyra, i feel like you were out there giving me love and supporting me back when i barely had any mutuals and for that you will always have a special place in my heart. i will admit i lost you for a minute there with url changes but i found you again of course you just moved to a different sansa stark url 

@blueshirtbell - Isla you are probably the person who uses my name in the tags the most often and every time it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. also you’re comments on my bfsn are always so sweet and make me smile. you truely are a great person and i feel like everyone in you’re life is better off for it

@bellamynochillblake - you’re ship and let ship attitude is truly an inspiration, and lets be honest a massive relief at times when this fandom can become a negative mess! 

@jarleene - as the author of some of my fave murven fics you will always deserve a special mention. when i saw you updated crazy recently i couldn’t stop smiling. that fic has been a slow process but worth every wait, i couldn’t care less if it ever gets finished because even having any of it is truly a gift!

@hvitserkk - desirae, you followed me soon after i followed you. why? i’ll never know. but you’re url alone is enough reason to love you. in this brief time i’ve already learnt so much from you about colourings and you are always my first stop to learn more! and eternal thank yous for getting me onto animal kingdom

@lieutenantshaw - im? not? worthy? im not sure why i feel this way.. maybe it’s the amazing edits or the whole aesthetic or maybe that your whole blog seems well thought out and clean and i feel like you looking at my blog would kinda be like that ‘damn bitch you live like this?’ picture.. do you feel like you’re blog is like that ? idk,, but if you are happy following me you do you cause it makes me feel good :)

the rest of my mutals - not because i love you less or don’t have anything to say about you but simply because i’m coming down, i’m tired and lazy as all fuck.

if you want a paragraph about why you are amazing swing into my ask box because i guarantee you I’ve got one ;)

@bellammy @p-tonkins @halfbloodduchess @the-most-beautiful-broom @octannibal-blake @failing-at-being-an-angel @diyozaa @niylvh @blakes-griffin @joncthanmurphy @johnmurphe @pandalandalopalis @izzycheeese @grumpymonty @tracylorde @bellamyblakesass @clarkesgrfin @a-timely-interruption @clorkegriffin @platonic-bellarke @abugonahotplate @smoakedvigilanties @beelarkes @inajohncriminalway @kaymarie195 @vixiously @otakujess @harpersmcintyred @the100lunarsship @vulgarvixen4 @head-and-heart @the-ships-to-rule-them-all @deadshotbellamy @fuckitforgendry @spaaleb 

a few things before i go to bed..

if you read your paragraph and gone ‘damn girl that aint me’, so sorry i am drunk and easily confused 

if i have tagged you and you are no longer/never was a mutual, many apologies and best of luck in your future endeavours

if you don’t like this feel free to completely ignore it, i wont mind :)

much love, drunk lara x

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 9 “Find out who your true friends are” -Aromal

I DID IT I BEAT 15 DAYS I BEAT 13TH PLACE AND I MADE JURY AND PROBABLY MERGE I FEEL HOT

(a little bit later)

I'm so sad bc Dana has been the REALEST w me since day 1 and Mitchell lied to me about his idol so idek if I can fully trust him anymore and aaaaaah Looks like its me Mitchell Matt willow allie aro and whoever Mitch can pull over from the other tribe but I'm really sad my mom was idoled out its just not fair

i hate double tribals i really do especially if its one world since everyone has to say something to someone else in order to save their homies and ALLLL offense i still hate the small talk so like what else is there for me to do besides get ma plants and chill. so the round started off with willow trying to talk to me but then completely going missing but then talking to johnny (home boy af btw. squad in the house) about how she can save all the newbies using mitchell and danas vote which basically confirmed what i already knew of the old makiura alliance being tight. but that only leaves 2 people to get voted out and that is me or ryan which 1. duh and 2. not today satan. i quickly established ma thang with johnny even more so he can continue to give me info that i needed on the newbies like aro/zak having an idol to use on each other, lily having the makiura one, etc but it also got me thinking that maybe i should continue to try talking to the newbies cause they seem festive but then willow goes and lies so i said fuck dat. ryan and johnny made like 2 alliances with us on the same day which i high key didnt see the point of doing bottthhh but ya know be festive. they came up with this idea of splitting votes which i never like doing really since it is really sus af but i told them ayy great plan whatever just to make them not yell at me for not being alive but thEN! i was like this high key makes no sense to do??? so if there is a rat then im just going to stfu so no one can have tea on me and guess what. RYAN THE RAT???? [4/24/17, 8:52:11 PM] Dana Barry: So i know there's a vote split [4/24/17, 8:52:20 PM] Dana Barry: Not to be blunt [4/24/17, 8:52:49 PM] ~~Johnny~~: Okay :S [4/24/17, 8:54:07 PM] ~~Johnny~~: How do you know about the split? [4/24/17, 8:57:19 PM] Dana Barry: Ryan is blowing up your alliances game to gain favor on the other side [4/24/17, 8:57:31 PM] Dana Barry: They literally all know and have been in contact since the plan was conceived [4/24/17, 8:58:50 PM] Dana Barry: I know we havent talked a lot, but i really didnt think you were going to vote me [4/24/17, 8:58:56 PM] ~~Johnny~~: And I’m assuming that Ryan has been getting you guys to vote for someone else? [4/24/17, 8:59:00 PM] ~~Johnny~~: That isn’t LA? [4/24/17, 8:59:09 PM] ~~Johnny~~: Because Mitchell just said that he wasn’t voting for LA [4/24/17, 8:59:13 PM] Dana Barry: Nah it isnt [4/24/17, 8:55:19 PM] ~~Johnny~~: Why do you even think that though? [4/24/17, 8:55:36 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: Is it not true though? [4/24/17, 8:56:42 PM] ~~Johnny~~: It is [4/24/17, 8:57:12 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: I figured lol [4/24/17, 8:57:25 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: If we're being honest I've never been voting for LA [4/24/17, 8:57:37 PM] ~~Johnny~~: Who were you voting for..? [4/24/17, 8:58:07 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: If y'all tryna sneak split vote me out why would I give that up ! [4/24/17, 8:58:40 PM] ~~Johnny~~: Well, I didn’t want you out, and you were getting 2, but now I’m being told information about how you guys found it out [4/24/17, 8:59:06 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: Someone's got some pretty loose lips on ur side [4/24/17, 8:59:15 PM] ~~Johnny~~: Ryan? [4/24/17, 8:59:22 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: Not to name names but there's a reason this person went 6 times without making single digits idk mitchell and dana are savage as fuck fdkughdk (but yeah we all know the rest. and dana got voted out by someone who was too busy sleeping to know what the fuck was happening. if that is not me!) the alliance chat is popping tho of ryan and johnny arguing. turns out mitchell is just annoying and likes to spread shit so who is really the rat. hm. the answer to that is good ol' matt. the most annoying guy to talk to and the main person i have been dying to leave for ages. god. literally he has been against my side since the start of this game and he continues to make things hard for himself.... if you are going to be a rat dont be obvi? i still dont 100% trust ryan but i do trust that matt is fucking ratatouille in the flesh so there is that. cant even just pay attention to his own tribal ctfu. I HATE THESE PEOPLE ESPECIALLYLYLLYYLYLYL HIM

Well this has officially been the craziest episode whatever you can call it of the season. Jacob went home as planned after complete chaos with Willow. Basically she told him I was targeting him just because she felt bad and it's cute and all that she has a good heart, but seriously she needs to get it together before I vote her off too. I think I have a lot of enemies now, obviously Jacob voted me and RTP played an idol and saved his ass after somehow Mitchell and Dana got everyone to vote him which was wild. I am so sad about Dana it's unreal I loved that girl. Now I still have Mitchell who hopefully hasn't lost any faith in me after I told Willow he had the idol, oops, and then lied to him and said I didn't say that because I can't own up to anything I did. Right now I am cooking I think, I got numbers, Mitchell, Allie, Willow, Zak, Aro, and even Johnny, and hopefully when it comes down to it I will be at the tippy top of the alliance since I believe firmly I have close relationships with many of these people. I flushed two idols tonight btw, and Daisy who had one, so in my two tribal councils I've literally just triple flushed idols like a really stinky poo. Ryan is mad at me but is willing to play the game but I don't trust his ass really.

Final Confessional! I just got voted out, and I'm not actually very sad because i went out WITH A BANG and i'm on jury, where I will make it my mission to ruin lives. Effectively, nobody is this damn game can keep their mouth shut, which was both the best and worst part of this season. As I said in my last Conf., Matt was feeding us info, but basically fucked up that line of communication by getting himself caught as a snake. But about 2 hrs before tribal, Mitch and I get word that the other 5 on our tribe are splitting votes 3-2 for me to go out because they thought I could have an idol I guess. So at this point, Mitch and I were voting RTP and it looked like i was definitely goin. Mitch's idol wasn't going to be useful for us there, because even if he had given it to me (which he wouldn't have), there would have been a tie for him and RTP and his ass was grass at that point. So basically, we're tryin to think of options like 1.5hrs before tribal, and so Mitch and I just start goin nuts. I'm saying all this crazy shit to LA to make her vote with me: [4/24/17, 8:30:29 PM] Dana Barry: Listen- i know you guys are splitting for me tonight, but i wanted to talk to you first. [4/24/17, 8:39:09 PM] Dana Barry: I know we havent talked a lot- and there's not really much incentive for you to want to vote with me, but Ryan has been throwing you under the bus for days, basically since the game started. He wants nuTemoana to be a thing post- merge, which automatically leaves you out of any plan he has. [4/24/17, 8:44:06 PM] Dana Barry: I love ryan as a person- but he isn't with you long term, and i know you'd be taking a risk, but at merge we would have numbers. Also i'd be willing to vote whoever you are interested in taking out tonight, which would be a big move for you in this game, because inevitably you will make it far. This would build a lot of trust, which i DO NOT betray unless i find people are coming for me in this game. Sorry this is a lot, just something to consider as someone outside of the core alliance. [4/24/17, 8:45:53 PM] Dana Barry: Obviously this means I have no idol, so if you don't want me out and want options down the line, i'm here and i have no more options. And Mitch is on call with Johnny tellin him about how shady RTP is, and then eventually I get on with them where i'm literally hiding out in the bathroom of the bar to talk to them. So then we're all about to vote RTP, and for a minute there is some consideration for Lexi, but then Johnny is like nah RTP doesn't have an idol. OK-so at this point the four of us could just vote RTP. Then someone tells Lexi to also vote RTP, which she does. EXCEPT SOME FUCKER TELLS RTP TO PLAY HIS IDOL BECAUSE WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO VOTE HIS ASS OUT. LIKE OMG PLS EVERYONE HAVE SOME CHILL. So I know that Mitch has the idol, and i'm the only one on our tribe, so both he and RTP play idol, meaning that because Luca was asleep and voted me, my ass gets voted out. While I'm not sure how RTP found out he needed to play the idol, my best guess is Lex? Idk her well and she would be the most likely to be close to him and then just vote him as a cover for herself. Alternatively, some things were getting funky with the other tribe, where basically Matt and Willow (who was also being fed info by Johnny. like what?) also knew how desperately Mitch and I were trying to save me, and so maybe they reached out to RTP for some odd reason. Am I happy? NO.  But also I was so problematique tonight and really caused a problem, which is absolutely my aesthetic and i wouldn't have played it any other way. So, peace out Solomon, get ready for your most vocal juror. Please Mitch- you better be dancin and win this. 

Hey! Remember me! I'm still here! Barely.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3ykj-8n1M4&feature=youtu.be 

Mitchell is the gayest straight boy I know and I know myself when I was 12.

Yay I made both jury and merge! :D Double yayy for making merge with a majority alliance! :D First merge vote is looking like Ryan and even people outside our alliance wants him gone. Rip

This flag making challenge made me mad because I had an okay idea, but then the app I was using crashed like 50 fucking times, and so I lost all my progress. Since i kept loosing all my progress I didn't even finish with the extension oops. But if I had more time my idea was gonna be to also add quotes of what people have said in the tribe chat next to their icons.

Pino Noir Caviar, Myanmar, mid-sized car You don't have to be popular Find out who your true friends are Pino Noir In the boudoir (in the boudoir) Pino Noir, smoke a cigar Revenge can be spectacular Pino Noir x4 (Pino Noir) Pino Noir, leather bar Oh so close and yet so far Pino Noir x4 (Pino Noir) Pino Noir, you're a star Listen to Tom Berenger Pino Noir, Rosenbar Pino Noir Au Revoir

I won my first individual immunity !!! *screams* I didn't think I'd actually win this one but yay. I'm excited but I'm also really worried, people say I'm good at challenges and this win is definitely gonna put a bigger target on my back. It doesn't help that we tried to vote out Ryan either, cause obviously we are gonna have some trust issues now, we're still working together cause he says it's fine but he could just be saying that. It was weird having to talk to someone after voting them, usually the people I vote go home so this was the first time I had to talk to someone and try and fix the relationship and be like it was nothing personal. I'll see how this goes though, I need to try and be more social, its still my biggest problem.

ayo! its time to party aka have a heart attack for the rest of the night cause i hate major votes like this and this is the most important vote since the start of the game.... im gonna die. anyways so prior to the merge i guess some of the female newbies were tired of the attitudes given to them by the returnee males like matt and mitchell (which understandable lmao i hate being told what to do even tho i dont show it most of the time) so they came to pretty much everyone and expressed their interest in switching to the other side namely ryan johnny and i's side. the thing is, i know i can trust allie since she hasnt proven otherwise that she can't but willow is just a very shady person to talk to and she is very much not talking game with me so as of now, who knows what she is actually doing. it also concerns since she is the one that told mitchell and dana about the plan we had to split the votes so that obviously doesnt make me want to trust her to any extent. in hand with that, luca has also been very weird and i can't trust him as far as i can throw him which isnt very far since im barely 5 feet so... bleh. he was trying to get ryan out before the start of the reward challenge and i just do not know man! these newbies suck ass. and not in the good way! but yeah i won the reward hehe and got the idol clue hehe but found nothing... so 2/3 isnt bad i suppose for this round and i knew i wasn't winning immunity since everyone in this fucking community talks the exact same way like what is in the juice? speaking of the juice... these people got very drunk last night and normally i love drunk people but last night.. a moment in time. funny enough karen was also drunk but she was a nice convo to have. but yeah about the drunk people, i dont know if johnny is trying to be the next parvati or he actually believes what he is saying to me for some reason but i will not take the bait. at times like this i appreciate my lack of social skills. but thats all folks. hopefully matt leaves (or ryan tbh as long as it is NOT me) and that alliance is shook to the core.

So we just all said it's supposed to be Ryan and people are deadass so quiet rn that I'm like getting paranoid it's gonna be me but I don't wanna be that person who overthinks and then cut to me overreacting and making a dumb move and losing everyone's trust, so I'm just gonna keep my cool and if it's me tonight or something crazy allow this confessional to be proof that my ass ain't surprised.

DO I HAVE A LOT TO FUCKING SAY IF IM STILL HERE IN AN HOUR!!!

fuckfuckfuck the vote was set to be Ryan but apparently Willow told Zak something about another plan god im so nervous now

[theroadtorestoration-blog]

5/26/2017 I would like to hold myself accountable in some way, so I'm going to start posting. Today I binged. These past few weeks have consisted of more binges than these past few months and it's scaring me. I started meeting with my therapist because of this and because of an ample amount of free time. I believe this amount of free time is causing me to think FAR too much about "fixing" myself, which is why I end up bingeing. My breakfasts and lunches have been satisfactory in the eyes of a girl on a weight loss journey, but if you ask my therapist, they are considered restrictive. Anyways, I'm going to be posting before, during, and after binges from now on in order to get a clearer sense of some of the reasons behind WHY I keep falling down this path. I'd really like to make this summer a time for myself to get closer to overcoming this battle of one and I believe the first step is being honest. So, here I am. Post-binge & post-purge as I walk the Weber Center track. My goal for the night is to reach 20,000 steps. Is this overexercise? Probably, but the highly irrational side of my brain is okay with that because... well.. whatever leads to weight loss. While I'm here, I guess I'll say how my day went and maybe I'll discover some potential triggers. 8:00- woke up and showered. I put on a cute outfit but I changed into a more comfortable one that made me feel really bad about my body. I changed bc I thought I'd get cold at graduation rehearsal. I even put on lipstick and earrings! Probably bc I wanted to impress my boo thang 8:15- I had my ACV and then I ate breakfast. I make myself drink this before breakfast bc I believe it's the magic waste loss cure. I wanted some protein so I started out with a strawberry Greek yogurt. I then made some oatmeal and had that as my starch instead of granola because for some reason I thought eating oatmeal would keep me from binging today ??? Who knows. My logic is skewed. I put 1 tbsp of protein in it bc I thought more protein = fuller tummy = lower chance of bingeing. I then had a disgusting overcooked hard boiled egg. My reflux of that was SICKENING. I had a strawberry too. I really wanted to binge but I left.... 8:35- supposed to be at graduation rehearsal @ 9. There was a breakfast from 8-9 that I skipped bc HA. when's the last time I've ever gone to a provided breakfast??? The idea of putting one of those bagels in my system makes me wanna barf. Disgusting carbs. 8:44- I arrive at niles North. I don't wanna see these people. Ugh. I wanna hide myself. I don't wanna walk in front of that crowd and get body shamed. I wanna see vaughn but I don't want him to see me. If I cross my arms over my belly maybe my body will turn invisible. 9:00- the gym is filled with pastries and bagels. Yuck. How does everyone just eat all of that stuff so carelessly? 9:05- the rehearsal is fine and long and I just wanna go and get on with my day. I'm so sick of this place and I hate all of this small talk. I see Uche and vaughn talking. Blah. I see tiselle. I think she hates me. Do I owe her an apology? Vaughn and I aren't even really dating. We've basically just hooked up and had some sleepovers. 9:40- omg there was this thing we had to do when we went to our seats and the person directly across from you in the parallel line would sit at the same time as you and vaughn and I were parallel! Love those coincidences. Also during the ceremony I sat behind manduul. He makes me uncomfortable. I also sat behind Nathan, vaughns friend, and I felt very judged. Am I too much for people? 10:00- I'm free! I zoom toward the exit and to the door and jump into my car. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I head to old navy and call dad. I tell him to meet me there. 10:15- I begin shopping. I enjoy shopping but it can be tough. I like my body now more than I used to, but I've still got some improvements to make. Im really proud of my exercise efforts though. I've been so consistent!!! I can't wait to continue on this fitness journey and to get a better grip on this healthy lifestyle. 1:00- omg, I'm finally done shopping. I can't believe I spent $270 on clothes...... holy shit. I've never done that before. It was my dads money and he was happy to do it but damn. I feel so spoiled. do I even deserve all of this stuff? Probably not. Ugh I'm so privileged it makes me sick. 1:05- dad was gross and flirty with cashier and I really don't wanna be around him but I have a salad at his house I was gonna eat for lunch so I head there and he follows right behind me in his car!!! Oy. 1:15- I eat a green salad from Trader Joe's. It has a lot of fat in it (27 g) but not a lot of protein (14 g) so I'm freaking out and worried about a later binge. Should I have that salmon in there or is it too much? The meal is only 370 calories. Do I need more? Dad comes and eats both of the small containers with salmon. He says it's okay to eat that much bc he worked out!!!! He keeps saying shit like that. It's so triggering. He says it as if you need to earn the right to eat which is such a disordered way of thinking. Is my whole family disordered? Oy vey. 1:30- I try and speed through lunch because this man is driving me insane. I say I'm gonna go to moms house and clean. I end up going upstairs until 2 and I just laid down and looked up things for vaughn and I to do tonight. Couldn't find anything. 2:05- I head to moms house. I grab 2 pieces of gum from dads fridge bc I think it'll rid of the urge to binge. It does for a while. I continue cleaning up and getting rid of stuff at moms while I listen to music. Not aware of the time. I take a break at some point. I head to the fridge and I get a chicken breast from jewel. I heat it up. My favorite part is the fatty skin. Is that completely disgusting? Probably. I'm proud of myself bc I eat it at a controlled pace which is new for me. I also have 3 pieces of shrimp. I'm upset with myself bc I'm watching a movie as I eat it. The love is called Blue is the Warmest Color. It's about lesbians. I question my sexuality for the thousandth time. I see that Jacob (my Ex boyfriends) new friend group posts a picture of themselves with a couch. Why are they mocking my friend group? Whatever! I also make myself a French vanilla cappuccino and I crave some shortbread cookies but I don't let myself. I tell myself to wait it out and let the craving pass because I know I'm not actually hungry. I stop watching the movie at this point and I return to cleaning. I have short text conversation with Spencer about vaughn and then about dammy. I realized that I'm not sure if I really trust vaughn and the relationship I currently have with him is kinda strange and I'm not sure how much I really wanna pursuit it. I really enjoy him though. He's so intelligent and makes great convo. At some point, I make my way to the kitchen again and I let myself have a ton of chocolate. I reach for the box of Fannie may chocolates that I discovered a few days back and rip through half of that, I love the chocolates with raspberry centers. I then reach for a box of European chocolates and they are expired and dusty looking. Yuck. I then eat some m&ms and chocolate squares and it's out of hand. I even have some more maple cookies and I heat up a handheld apple pie from Krispy cream. I heat up a butternut squash ravioli and vegetables lean cuisine and I devour it. I want more pasta. More carbs. I find another pasta dish in the freezer, I heat it, and it's gross. I put it in a container and throw it in the fridge. Wonder what my mom will think about all of the containers and food wrappers in the garbage. I hope she doesn't question me about it. I then have 2 spinach pie triangles and heat them in panini maker. Not very good. Then I make a quesadilla with 2 tortillas and a ton of cheese. I eat that by the tv. I then make another one even though I'm beginning to feel sick. This is the last thing I eat. I drink some water out a wine glass and I'm mad at myself. Go figure. This always ends up happening. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. I go to the bathroom and lay down and I'm in so much pain. I try spitting up my food. Oh yeah, just to mention I was spitting up some of my chocolate earlier on and I did this by running around and drinking water. Anyways, after My binge I'm in the bathroom trying to throw up and my phone is dying so I grab the extension cord thingy and I bring it to the bathroom downstairs bc I enjoy purging into that Toilet better and I charge my phone as I spit food up. Not too much comes up. I watch a video about what to do after a binge. It's not too helpful. I do hear AGAIN that I need to not restrict after a binge. This is so hard to learn bc I always have events coming up. I'm not trying to look like a fat ass at graduation or on birthright!!! 7:20- I decide to head to Weber center to walk. It's raining outside but I need to do something and I don't wanna be with other people. lol I never wanna be with other people. I'm too ashamed of myself. I set a goal for myself to walk 20,000 steps and I compete with everyone walking. Well, that's my day so far. If anything drastic ends up happening, I'll update you in tomorrow's post. Until then, keep on fighting. You are not your illness and I have no doubt that you'll eventually beat this. I love you, rach. Signing off.

[survivorpacificislandallstars]

Ep. 12 - “Fly my ass back to Hawaii and dump me in a volcano” - Andrew (Pt. 1)

So I guess All Stars is just gonna be me watching the people I know and love go home one after the other at this point. At this point, I shouldn't be shocked or mad. Rhea, Karen, even Brandon to an extent. Who's next is my only question. Shockingly, to not my surprise, Jordan and Ash couldn't be trusted!!!! Who could have foreseen this? Well, I could, and I did. Anyone with common sense and a brain could have, but I guess that's too much to ask. Like with Ash, I had zero expectations. Jordan... I mean, there was at least a low bar, a very low bar. Because as far as I can recall, I've been completely honest with Jordan each tribal I've been with him... And yet each time he goes against his own word, then we make up afterward, and it's just... I don't even know. I'm totally numb to betrayal by now. Also Gage's vote is hilarious. "I don't take kindly to lies" wow bitch me too the fuck???? Kinda why I voted for him cause like, at every tribal all my interactions with him have been lies built upon lies, sometimes mutually and sometimes from him. But there's no actual trust and we've just been pretending every round, so I'm glad we've finally dropped it and we can acknowledge the tension. Jordan said I'm not on the bottom of the tribe...which sounds fake but, okay. Maybe I can work with him, maybe I can't, but really I'm just praying for once that we swap one last time to save my ass. 

I am so so so so shook right now.

Conf #18: wow! final 14! Im doing so much better than the other two games that i wont talk about. Im concerned about this immunity challenge because usually when it comes to touchy subjects I feel like I know how the game is going, but with all the swaps I feel like I know nothing about what people are thinking it concerns me. *Coco Peru voice* that bothers me. As far as the double tribal? *Yawn* but also im ready to die again, hopefully I can get people to go after mitch!!!

Honestly this tribe swap has me wet. I'm on a tribe with a bunch of icons like daddy Andrew or Sam B or fake Sam, even Steffen to an extent. More importantly I am away from that horrible nest of snakes from my previous tribe. The bad thing is Samantha wants to go after Jay, because Jay tried coming for Sam at some point, which is horrible. And if I had to choose right now I'd vote out Jay over Sam just because Sam unlike some people hasn't blindsided me!!! But no I'm not bitter or anything, why would I be bitter? I mean I shouldn't be because it's not like I considered those people trustworthy or anything!!! Anyway. Mitch is obviously siding with Jay, which leaves three people in the middle. Sam and I both want Andrew because he's trustworthy (and Sam also wants him because he's hot and I have no issues with that). I trusted Andrew the most at the very beginning of the game, and we've both been through a lot but hopefully that connection is still there. That leaves Steffen and fake Sam as the swing votes...... Idk how much I trust either of them. Steffen did side with me at the Chrissa tribal, Sam sided with the snakes at Brandon's tribal tho.... So yikes!!!! We'll figure that out tomorrow!!! 

OKAY. So this new Kyaal tribe? EW. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE ON THE OTHER TRIBE AND I MISS THEM OKAY? NOT REALLY THO. I'm so chaotic in here wtf. Anyway, SO I'm back with Jordan Pines, which is litty titty. I feel like I actually can trust him because he gives me A LOT of tea like all the time. Whether or not it's all factual is another story, but at this point I'll take what I can get. I'm also still with DADvid. He's my Dad, check my birth certificate. He is such a good person and I'm so happy we've gotten so close through this game because we have had a lot of time to get to know one another in various communities and never have. So David told me he is pretty sure of a Drew/Jay/Mitch thing thang going on and I believe it! Drew just had a moment in the HOS15 VL when Jay was evicted so that's confirmed. ADDITIONALLY, Jordan just told me that Mitch found an idol (which isn't surprising) some ruby idol bullshit that makes everyone go to rocks??? Apparently Drew has it right now and knowing my luck I'll be rocked out of this damn game. But hey, I keep saying this but I'm so proud of myself for making it this far, so if I go, I go! (I'LL BE FUCKING PISSED AND PROBABLY NEVER PLAY ONE OF THES AGAIN IF I FUCKING GO HOME, I AM FUCKING SANDRA DIAZ-TWINE AND I WILL BE THE QUEEN THAT WEARS THE CROWN TWICE.)

So who the fuck does Jay think he is exiling me?! Why me?! Clearly he has some plan to get rid of me because we're not working together so he isn't exiling me to get the clue or anything so obviously he wants me gone. If for some reason he DOESN'T want me gone he's crazy because now I'm just pissed off. I don't get to just waltz back into the tribe with immunity like Drew does. I'm gunna have to scramble and make sure it's not me and this is gunna be so annoying. Plus he just messaged me "I'm exiling you I hope that's ok" LIKE NO ITS NOT FUCKING OKAY YOU DIMWIT FUCK WHY THE FUCK DID HE CHOOSE ME??? Also I just looked at the touchy subjects results and I got who has the most F2 deals? Technically I have none because I haven't actually talked to anyone about going to the end together AND I really only talk to Steffen, Drew, and Jordan so like fuck I'm so mad because it looks so bad on me. I'm just really overall pissed off right now and I can't believe I can't even rant to anyone! I feel like Drew and Jay are tight. I started going off not even thinking of it as a game thing but more like I'm frustrated and want to rant to a friend about it but then I remembered back on the first tribe when Jay, Drew, and Mitch were all so far up each other's ass it was disgusting so like I can't even talk to Drew about it because he'll go run and tell Jay and be all fucking annoying. I just want Mitch and Jay gone so bad. Steffen better be able to pull some people in and make sure it's Mitch and not me. If I go home because Steffen can't strategize to save me I'm gunna suffocate him when he comes to visit

I'm back and alive A lot of things have happened, and apparently confessionals aren't mandatory, so I haven't been writing things! That's great. So the last time I wrote a confessional was the round before Billy right? Ok So I sort of kind of may have manipulated the vote against Billy. I heard from Van that her and Billy were trying to flip the vote onto Charlotte, so I told Charlotte that Billy might have been trying to target her, and she easily flipped to Van and I. Jay didn't want to vote Billy, so it was 3-2. I'm glad I got him out of the game at least. I love Billy as a person, as a player, whew. He reamed me afterwards, and every bad thing he said about me was truly well-deserved. So then we swap, fun shit. Expected. We played Kanto! I got gay pokemon, but no idol or whatever. I have a team of cuties, so that's all that matters to me.<3 I couldn't play the grass game, so we kinda had to go to tribal. David was the target, but he whipped out an idol and his one vote for Punpun sent them home, which is disappointing. But fuck, good job David. Props to you, I ain't even mad. Apparently Van was voted out of the other tribe which SUCKS because I had to vote out Billy to protect her and then she just went home anyway??? Uggggh My friends keep leaving. We stayed in Kanto for a week and I got to play Pokemon LeafGreen. I caught 111 pokemon and earned myself a trip to exile, which was mostly pointless, and our tribe got immunity. I wasn't even playing to win, I just really love FR/LG. But of course I'm secretly digging my own grave, because who wants to keep a tryhard around at/before merge??? No one. I gave my idol to Drew because he said he might've been in trouble. It was insurance in case things turned sour. BUT APPARENTLY AT THEIR TRIBAL IT WAS UNANIMOUS VOTE FOR CHARLOTTE. I love Charlotte... She was my #1 man. I wanted to help her get far. And then Drew told me she might've been a catfish. So... Maybe that was for the best, idk. COME TO THINK OF IT, a first boot being considered an all star is VERY suspicious... I want my idol back tho. Also Karen went home at the other tribal!!! Bless up. Jay told me she had a sapphire idol so that is... good that she's gone.  ALSO Dan has the Whetu idol and I'm surprised but also not. So here we are on new tribes, and what better way to put a fire under my ass than to play touchy subjects??? Do I have good luck with this game? No. Do I usually get nice answers? Yes. Did I get them this time? Not...really. People think I have an idol and they want to vote me out next. Which is unfortunate, because now I honestly don't have an idol. And I'm going to be traveling tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I can't even really talk to people and defend myself!!!!!!!! Fortunately I at least have Jay and Andrew on this tribe. Sam G and Kevin would likely vote with me too. I don't want to vote Steffen because I just told him I wouldn't and meant it. So that leaves Sam B, who just won Panem and should go... We'll see how the chips fall. Maybe I'll get my idol back, maybe Samg and Kevin like me enough to keep me around, and maybe I'll live another day. If not, oh well, I made jury.

When you accidentally send a confessional....to the wrong game....hosted by Jay....and it's talking about Jay...and it reveals your allies........ I'm actually gonna hate myself if this fucks my game up why do I do these things

"Not to nitpick at the Touchy Subject results but the fuck! Firstable Ash and Gage put me down as backstabber like besides last vote which was just me returning the backstabbing to Gage, when have I done that... Second of balls, people forgetting I'm in the game? Well, not shocking, I'm naturally irrelevant. Still won't stop me from being salty but. So um if Jay goes after Sam B he's officially cancelled, because I would literally die for her every day of my life I had to. And the fact that he's immune....sigh. I don't know if he trusts me but!!! If he doesn't he can catch these gay 12 year old hands. Sam B and I want to go after fake Sam now because she has too many allies (she wanted to go after Mitch but uh, I think not). Idk what Jay thinks about fake Sam but he did send her to Exile so there's that. Hopefully Andrew and Steffen will come through???? Because if I have to watch Sam B die I might as well drop dead to the floor right now because there would be no point in living after that"

Andrew wants to form an alliance of me him Jay and Mitch. Like, I love those people, but you know who that excludes? Sam!!!!! You know who I would never vote out in a heartbeat? Also Sam!!!! Voting out Sam would be like Ciera voting out her mom except actually important and heartbreaking (but it would still be a hashtag game changing big move). So I kinda bs'd to Andrew saying I don't trust Jay because he voted out Karen (also my mom) which is half the truth. The good news is Andrew said we should choose between Steffen and fake Sam. While Steffen has backstabbed me once, we're supposedly friends now cause he was like "miss you!!!" when we swapped but like Gage did the same thing and look where that got me. But I don't wanna break that bond just yet. Sooooo I'm still gunning for fake Sam but Mitch was like "I like her" which just proves real Sam's about connections and yadda yadda. Really I just want to get to the point where I can stop distinguishing the Sam's and my life gets easier. 

I’m me and sara planning to search the well together

So the vote should in theory be Ash tonight. I'm perfectly fine with Ash going home but I'm not perfectly fine with lying to Gage about it, but at this point unless Ash/Gage have an idol I don't foresee things changing. Thankfully Gage seems to like me so that is a plus. If there's an idol played it most likely will not be me going home. I don't love that it will be David going home though. Jordan Pines is a dear friend of mine, but he's just in general very aggressive. He has strong social ties to people and seems to utilize them when he needs things. He put together the 5 votes against Ash and it seems like a done deal. But I'm at a cross roads. Do I try to turn David and work with Gage and Ash to vote Jordan out? Idk. My concern is that endgame, people like Mitch/Drew/Jay/Jordan will be an unstoppable force in this game and idk if I'm ready for that. I'll probably touch base with David before my vote is submitted and if he thinks the plan is good, it's happening. If not, I'll just have to lie to Gage and possibly lose my newest ally's trust... :/ 

I. Hate. Survivor. Here I am, dealing with important stuff, cleaning literal dog shit, and then here in the game shit hits the fan. Sam B wanted Sam G out. Jay wanted Steffen out. Sam B was fine with this. I tell Jay this. I also tell Jay Sam B wants Sam G out, but we can roll with Steffen. Jay says cool. But somewhere after some shitty sequence of events, Jay goes apeshit and throws out like, everyone's names and wants to vote out Sam B???? And doesn't tell me of course, even though he wanted to make sure "we're cool." So I guess keeping me in the dark, again, is a good way to gain trust. And then an even shittier thing happens. Sam B, fake Sam, and Steffen unite to vote out Mitch. I think voting out Mitch is the most effective way to weaken Jay, and Jay does need to be weakened. But voting out Mitch...and sending him to the jury...is difficult. I would rather send Mitch to jury over Sam. Sam said Jay directed votes back to Steffen... But I can't trust him, and I don't want to sit still and do nothing about that. He's fooled me once and I don't want to be fooled again, I'm tired of that happening. Voting out friends is hard, but I think tonight there's no easy way out. 

[boyitspasturbedtime]

i’m procrastinating

i am avoid work right now, yes. kudo the kid dropped a song. i’ve been listening on repeat. i am. i am. people ask me how i am. i say “i am” they look at me. they are expecting me to go on. i don’t go on. i hold the suspension. i am... they look, and they laugh. “i am?” chuckle chuckle. “yup” i make eye contact so they know i’m being serious. fuck group thinking. have your own opinions. have reasons for your opinions. i don’t care about how other people view me. but i like being nice. i like saying hi. i like trying to talk to someoneone and see things from their perspective. it’s completely knew. every view they have was reach a different way. they are so special and i want to know why they are special. i want to write about them. what is reputation? i don’t think people can think the same way. i don’t think anyone can have the same exact thought. there are different reasons. “are you a gryffindor?” “yeah, how could you tell?” “your shirt” ... i was wearing my red shirt. it has two yellow stripes. i don’t know how i got it. it just appeared in my closet one day. as with all of my clothes. i let them do their thang. i let people give me gifts. none of my clothing is actually my clothing. i don’t go and buy my own clothes. everyone else is so eager to do it for me. i might as well let them. you don’t get to choose what experiences you have, but you get to choose what you take away from them. i didn’t choose the clothes i have, but i choose which clothes to wear. yay that totally connects. im tired. i want to sleep. im stressed. i want to relieve that stress. im insecure about people reading what i write. that’s not true. i love when people read what i write. i love it sooo much. i love writing. i love making an impression. sometimes i think about my funeral. i think about how many people will attend. sometimes i think about dying. but what stops me is that i can’t die yet. i have to get more people at my funeral. i used to get stressed during track season. i would think about getting in a car crash so i didnt have to run. so i didn’t have to create. but i can’t do that to myself. i can’t limit myself from achieveing greatness. i can’t stop myself from winning. i am obesessed with winning. i want to win at everything. i want to succeed. i can’t stop winning. i can’t stop being me. that scares me. i am trapped in my mind. there is no way out. i can’t stop being me. i have to be me all day. every day. i have to do things i do. i can’t be anyone else. im not allowed to switch. it’s hard. i want a break. i want to be someone else for a while. i want to do what i want. fuck. im being me again. im writing. thats what i would do. what is something i wouldnt do. i need to do that. im not too big on one night stands. i need to do that now, just to do it. just to not be me. i need to experience it. like anal sex. try it and realize that you didn’t do the preparation. you are way to big for that hole. you don’t like the smell. hey, you did it. now you know that your penis hurts if you try that. and it smells like shit. zamn. sex. i havent done that thing. i have this thought that one day, im just going to have it nonstop. like, i don’t see it in my near future, but hey, i see it. “you look like a guy who would have a zippo lighter” “yeah, actually, i do” he was right. he made an assumption and it was correct. it didn’t hurt me. it didn’t compliment or insult me. it just was correct. is that bad? are all assumptions bad? is judging bad? i am constantly moving through life. i can’t stop the judgement that follows me. i have a cloud over my head of what people want me to be. i hav their biases. i have their facts. i have their opinions. i am stress. i guess so. i have power and i know it. i have looks. i know i look ways. i know people care about me. one of my professors emailed me to check up on me. it touched my heart. she cared about me. she wanted me to succeed. she helped me. all you have to do is ask. honest is the best policy. tell the truth. hatred is a misunderstanding. anger is when you can’t explain something. violence happens because it makes you feel good. it is an answer. it is a reaction. stop reacting and respond. use your brain. open yourself. write a fucking book. choose something. IT”S GUNNA SUCK. it will be so bad. it will be shit on a page. do it. poop it. let it happen. then ask for help, and you’ll get it. people want to help you. goddammit. can’t you see that by now? haven’t you been through enough? GOD DaMmiT. the best way to get a hug is to ask for a hug. im asking. will you give me a hug? please. im so lost. im scared. im confused. please hug me. tell me things are going to be better. hold me. take away my cold. make me warm. please. im surronded by the hate. im surrounded by torment. help me. let me help you. let me show you how great i am. who said that? mohammad ali. idk spelling. no one is going to read this, so it doesn’t matter anyway. im allowed to make as many mistakes as i want. there is no reprocussion. yay. i have opinions. i have strong opinions. i can’t see myself not taking a stance. i have to stand up for what i believe in. i have to try. i onlyhave one shot. i have to live with myself at the end of the day. i have to look in the mirror. i brush my teeth and i look into my eyes. these are the only eyes i was given. they are very unclear. blurry. i have terrible vision. go away. i can’t see me. you can’t see me. i have to see me. i can feel me. i need to dance. i need to wowk. ive been working all day, but i still need to work.i don’t have time. but i have to make time. i have to let myself write. i look forward to having free time. maybe i will write my book then. maybe ill get a draft. it doesn’t have to be long. i think i know what i want it to be about. i have to be a girl though. i have to pretend to be a girl. i have to say she when i would normally say he. i have to change who i am. ihave to grow into someone new. seana is going to be here this weekend. mike is happy. shit she’s coming TODAY. Mike has gotta be losing it right now. he is away from her all the time. how long until i actually do my work? how long until i can make an impact? i made david smile today. is that my purpose? if i can make one person smile, then i think im doing pretty well. if i can make onegood thing happen a day, then maybe i’ll offset all the turmoil ive caused. not everyone understands. not everyone overstands. fukc fuck. i like working with people. i like people. i need to find more people. i wanto to talk to people. hopefully, people want to talk to me. i am more the approacher. people don’t come to talk to me, so i go talk to people. i make the plans. i schedule because people wouldnt do it without me. just certain instances. i am the planner in most of my friend groups. most of my friends suck at planning, so i take over. one time i had a friend of mine plan something because he wanted to do something and i was indifferent. he asked me to plan. i said no. he failed miserably at doing the thing. he pleadedfor me to plan it for him. i planned it. it all worked out. you just gotta give people incentive. i guess im good at that. im good at getting a group of people into a room. im good at talking. im good at communicating. im good at procrastinating my homework by writing. i officicalljkanfjdnaly made a full cycle, so this thought must be complete. going to do homework now.