#fuck you all. and specially my girl friend that got angry at me for answering the “can they come” question with an explanation

[tornoaserjo]

Me pot que les meues amigues s'enfaden perquè no els done la raó cegament als seus novios

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[christinebloodwrittings]

To hunt or be hunted #4

Pairing: Alastor x Fem!Reader x Lucifer Summary: Truth unveiled, Alastor being unusually touchy, Lucifer being himself. Warnings: Mentions of child death.

Hazbin Taglist: @sakuraluna2468 @boogiemansbitch @mysterypotatoink

One year and seven months left. You reminded yourself while watching the black snake tattoo that slowly made its way up your arm, soon it would reach your heart and all would be over.

“Ten years, you work for me at my Hotel, and if I can’t manage to convince you to find something good to do with yourself, I’ll set you free” Charlie’s voice resonated in your head, it made no sense, but the true meaning of the deal was that if she could manage to help you find a reason to continue living, you would have a permanent home at the hotel.

If she couldn’t, you would have your soul back, and then the snake takes care of ending your suffering.

A swarming of feelings and thoughts came from thinking about the countdown, “It’s probably the best” who was going to miss you anyways? No one did back at the living world, your daughter died post-partum, your husband had died because of his sins, most of your friends at the time flew overseas looking for a better life, and there was no family left to mourn you.

Still isn’t.

Your father and your husband were most likely around in hell somewhere, in a hundred years you haven’t bothered to check, probably ended up repeating the same pattern: Gambling, debts, death.

May was a dreadful month, Mother’s day, your daughter’s birth and death anniversary, and just by the end of it, your birthday. Turning 40 is bad, but imagine turning 140 years old, that is worse.

You died at 35 years old in the 1920’s, since that to now it’s been 104 years, plus your age at the time 139, now turning 140. “It’s a blessing that I stayed looking the age I died in, otherwise I would be looking worse” you outlined your hips with your hands while straightening the leather straps around your waist.

‘Y/n, can you come to the parlor please?’ you heard Charlie speak through. You immediately knew what was going to happen, giving that it was nine Am sharp, and you weren’t summoned to make breakfast.

She either told them, or Angel was going to be fried alive.

Just as you guessed, there was Charlie in front of the fireplace, as the rest, except Alastor, looked rather hurt and shocked, specially Lucifer and Vaggie.

“You called?” the smoke cleared, making yourself appear sitting on the couch next to Charlie. A gasp found its way out of Vaggie’s throat before anyone could say anything. The angel collected her thoughts and then she was able to speak.

“Charlie, what the fuck is the AXE-MAN DOING IN THE HOTEL!” Vaggie didn’t doubted a second to stand before her with the spear pointing at you, “She’s the chef of the Hotel” Charlie smiled weakly, trying her best to stay collected. “Since when?” the feline bartender asked, not minding your presence very much.

“Before it started actually, eight years now?” she turned to you for confirmation, which you nodded affirmatively. “And you hid this, because…?” Angel’s turn to ask. Charlie was in shambles trying to come up with an answer that wouldn’t raise more questions, but failed, so you interceded.

“We made a deal; we don’t need to disclose the details, but it made her feel guilty” she shot you an unamused look before turning to her partner, her hand softly tracing the outline of her cheek.

“How come you got angry at me for lying to you, but you keep this kind of secret, honey?” ‘Oh hell no’ master or not, you weren’t going to allow that girl to talk to her (or anyone) like that.

“Hey now, whether she wanted to tell you or not it’s my and her business, but you hid the fact that you are an angel, worse than that a murderer, and no better than us sinners, so don’t act all hurt because now you two are even” your eyes lit up as the staring began to feel more lie a threat towards the fallen angel.

“You knew?” she diminished the distance between her spear and your neck, not earning a single flinch on your part, “One piece of advice, your golden blood leaves a trail, and the stench is very… specific, those like me that are used to blood can tell the difference” Alastor nodded in agreement.

“Why didn’t you tell me” Charlie sounded suspicions not hurt, to no one’s surprise really, “Last thing I knew I was a chef, not the gossip press” you took a look back to Vaggie, using a finger to lower the spear with zero effort, “Besides, wasn’t my secret to disclose” you winked an eye.

“Wait hold on, what makes the Axe-man want to work in a place for redemption?” Lucifer questioned, now more relaxed, he was all and hellfire before thinking you had taken her daughter’s soul. “She’s…kind of…forced to be here” another gasp.

Everyone turned to you, “I’m not ashamed of it, I got my ass kicked by miss sunshine here, lost my soul in the process and now I’m the chef” all except you and Charlie laughed, tearing up a little too.

“Charlie doesn’t own a soul, don’t be stupid, she’s lying right, Charlie?” Lucifer, watched his darling, perfect daughter image crumbled when all she could respond to that was a quiet shameful nod.

“YOU OWN A SOUL?” the shock was understandable.

It was too much for Lucifer so he sat beside you, holding his head on his hand, “Before you all judge her, I was stupid enough to challenge her when Lilith had just left, she was in a very dark place, my timing was terrible”

“How dark?” the king whispered your way, “I was her punching bag” he muttered a ‘oh shit’ both impressed and somewhat feeling guilty. They both had similar eyes when it came to pain.

“The infamous Axe-Man of New Orleans, I must say I am a big admirer of your work” Alastor came forward, grabbing your hand and placing a chaste kiss on your knuckles. “Oh, how unfortunate” he knew your name from above, so he lived around or in New Orleans.

“Why would you say that? You made an entire state fear your axe, for years there was nothing but jazz playing in the streets at night, and what’s best you were never identified nor caught” he pulled you from your seat, hitting his chest, his cane disappeared, leaving his free hand to sneak behind to hold your back in place.

“Well, I’m not that person anymore” Alastor drank in your scent, the sweetness burning its way down his lungs.

Every fiber, every hair on his body, told Alastor to run. Animal instinct, a deer in the jaws of a lion, a prey in front of a carnivore. Maybe because of the post-battle adrenaline he didn't feel the same instinct when you helped him. What will you feel with him so close? hunger? anger? lust? Curiosity ate him alive, he wanted to know what was telling you your instinct, how would it feel to be eaten by you.

“What made you bury the hatchet?” Angel’s pun made you smile, “Alastor” still in his arm, you felt him shift. “When you made yourself…present in hell, young, power hungry and all that, something inside me just told me that it was time to stop” ‘or else it was going to end with blood’ you thought. 

“Also before all this, I had heard about the cannibalistic murderer” you were aware of his aberration to touch, but given his closeness, you had no choice. Both of your hands settled on his hips, mostly for leverage, but to see how he would react to you.

“What an honor, I must say your performance inspired mine” his smile twitched, specially after feeling your warmth though his coat.

“You’re insulting me, Mr. Heartfelt” his chest tightened, a growl emanated from your throat, subtle but it made Alastor’s mind cloud a little. Focusing on your dilated pupils at all times to read any sign of warning, he saw nothing, no emotion whatsoever.  

“Your act was sloppy, careless. The bullied that became executioner of his bullies, tell me, do you feel better?” He didn’t understood what you were implying, once he tasted human meat he just couldn’t stop. He never asked himself if he was content, or if the blood made him feel better.

“You only targeted Italian mobsters; I’d say that’s rather sloppy” that’s all he could think, “And yet I didn’t allowed myself to be shot in the head” there was a weird aura surrounding you and him.

The situation was charming, two assassins of excellence, powerful Overlords with influence and stigma. Despite their sins, they were beautiful beings full of life and grace. Lucifer couldn't help but feel a tingle on his back watching such a scene. It seemed like they were going to devour each other, and relish in it.

“Disappointed?” your fangs shined with the firelight. “A little” he answered, expecting you to be more sanguinary, just as you used to be. “I’ll make Jambalaya today if that makes you feel better” but no matter what he did, while froze in place, like a deer in headlights, you couldn’t make him feel less excited, so alive.

“Thank you chérie, what about my work as of late?” reluctantly he let go of you, taking both of your hands in his.

“Very entertaining” he has a very slim waist, and yet it felt strong under your fingertips, warm. He has his hands and forearm blackened, just as his legs must be. The rest of his skin must be of that beautiful cream color. Of course, his chest wasn’t bald, like you he has a thin layer of short and soft fur.

“Get a room” Lucifer broke the moment, making Alastor’s eyes turn into the demonic radio stare you knew so well, “Funny I didn’t think such a tiny person could have a massive mouth” he then stepped away. Was it normal to be cold? Your body missed his closeness.

“Here he goes again, how about you help me with breakfast munch-king?” Lucifer felt his jacket being pulled off the couch, dragged by it towards the door that lead to the hallway to the kitchen, “Did you seriously called me that?” he allowed that, with a smirk he gave Alastor the finger.

“Want me to sing the song too?” you warned with a smile, “You wouldn’t dare-” your arm hugged his small frame into your side as you started to mock him, “Ding Dong the witch is dead!” you started, dragging the king down the hallway, “STOOP!” that was the last thing the crew heard before the door closed behind you.

🍎📻

“So, you challenged my daughter?” you hummed a yes, “She took the split a bit bad, huh?” on the corner of your eye you could see him sit on the kitchen island, just a few inches from where his daughter had hurt her hand.  

“I’ll send you my medical bill” your sarcasm made him laugh a little, “You don’t look like you belong in the sin of pride, yours must be wrath, isn’t it?” do demons look accordingly to their sins? You didn’t knew, “You tell me, I have yet to allow myself to ponder over what I have done”.

“I think I didn’t introduced myself, please forgive me” you left the kettle under the fire and walked over him, “My name is Y/n” you extended your hand to him, he took it with a smile. “Lucifer Morningstar, you may call me however it pleases you” his touch was gentle, but firm, you could feel his pulse though his gloves.

A thought tickled your brain, “In that case, would you like sugar or honey in your tea, Samael?” his eyes shifted, his horns grew. Like wood, like wood, his gaze was the same as his daughter's, and yet they harbored both hatred and sadness, both as deep as an abyss.

It shot an intense wave of electricity up your spine. You stood in front of the biggest predator in all of hell.

“Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to get a reaction out of you” he hadn’t let go of your hand, nor squeezed it, “I apologize, my king” your free hand caressed over the fabric.

He pouted, still not letting go of your hand. “If you let me touch your ears, I may forgive you” he turned back, you caught the sight of his tail slithering inside his pants.

“Sure, but please don’t get too close to the inside, my instincts are very strong and unforgiving, I would hate to have your blood on my uniform” You couldn't even finish speaking when he pulled your hand, immediately starting to touch the fur surrounding your ears. His knees settled on either side of your hips, taking advantage of the extra height the furniture provided.

“So soft, it’s so weird, a lion sinner, usually it’s a loyal, brave and true creature, heaven material” the sensation made your heart flutter. You felt like a dog, which made your ego bruise up a little, but at the same time his hands were warm and gentle, he took your advice and avoided the areas that you mentioned.

“Anyways, you’re forgiven, again, you’re very soft” Another cold feeling due to loss of touch, how annoying. You swallowed a lump of saliva before you could speak again, “Thank you, I take care of myself”.

“Oh and the note, thanks, it hasn’t been easy” he didn’t eased the pression on your hips,  “Marriage ain’t easy, and being apart after thousands of years must be rough” it’s not like the closeness bothered you, but it grant him a cocky smile and a sense of power over you, that feeling brought back the feeling of looking like a dog.

“I just…I wish I could make it up to Charlie” his hands grabbed one of yours, fidgeting with your fingers and the palm. “If it makes you feel more at ease, the sole fact that you’re here partially does more than enough” the light in his eyes lasted a few seconds, it was a lovely sight.

“Partially?” worried? Understatement. “If I say it you can’t hit me or anything” he made an X over his heart, then his hand went back to yours.

“She lied to you and you just went along with it? Parenting 101, mutual respect: she doesn’t lie and you don’t either” he applied a light pressure to your hand pads, making your claws come out and retract, that seemed to amuse him.

“So I have to…ground her?” his golden gaze went up to your eyes, but you were far too concentrated in his movements. “Well not now, but maybe speaking with her about it might be the right course of action”.

Melancholy, he had a feeling so he went for it.

“You were a parent?” he was right, your pained expression lasted a second but it was enough for him to feel a pang on his side. “For a day and a few hours” your eyes darkened, as it they were lost in a thought. The warmth of his hand on your cheek and a soft ‘My condolences’ brought you back.  

“I just know appropriate parenting by taking my parent’s example and do the opposite” you masked your pain with a smile and a smart remark, just like him, “Yeah, me too” his response made you scoff, “Where would you’ve sent you daughter for this kind of idea, Heaven?”.

Laughter filled the room. He wouldn’t do such a thing, nothing Charlie did would make Lucifer banish her anywhere, much less punish her like that for trying to help others.

“I had a different perspective of you” your tail stiffened around your leg, “What, a soulless maniac killer and nothing more?” you used to be like that. He laughed, “I mean, soulless indeed” you ruffled the hair that fell on his forehead, “But I’m glad I was wrong, thank you for taking care of my daughter, I see she trusts you a lot” you wouldn’t call it trust, nor she relied on you much.

Now that you think about it, taking care of her was instinctive, “I just grew used to her this past eight years” he smiled, “Thank you” he sensed the shift in you, the situation tensed up very quickly.

“Don’t, and just to be fully open about it, you were my objective” you would never show your fangs to anyone, looking like an animal doesn’t give you the right to act like one.

“Wait really?” his lips twitched, almost smiling. “I thought if I bruised up your daughter you would appear, but you saw how that ended” he hummed, rather amused. Your intimidation did nothing to him.

“Are you strong enough?” his question, he was insulting you? “Are you offering to fight?” you looked  at him up and down, not a trace of malice. “I mean if that’s what you wanted?” he was willing to fight with you? “I…I knew I wasn’t strong enough, nor I am now. To be honest, I wanted to pass to history as a crazy bitch who died at the hands of the devil”.

‘I’m oversharing, shut up’ you took a deep breath, adjusting yourself in between his legs, “I see” his breath hit your skin, “Now I just do this, and I’m fine with it”.

“I’d say, you’re terrific in the kitchen, no matter if it’s a served cold or hot type of dish, you always make it taste like home” your ears flattened against your head. “Thank you” he then looked up from your hand once again, a tender pink hue adorned your cheeks.

“Anyways” you got rid of his touch, as well as separated his knees just enough to walk a few steps backwards, “I have to make breakfast, and I just pulled you away because your constants fights with Alastor has gotten old very quick” you walked away, taking your white apron off the hanger, then tied a lovely bow on your back with the laces.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, see you later then” was that disappointment? You didn’t knew, and couldn’t care as long as your body remained trying to shake off the excessive heat, and the phantom of his touch still lingering. “Fuck” thinking about it made you cut your finger with a knife.

-------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned :3 Part 5

[ericshoney]

First Girlfriend ~ Brothers!Sturniolo Triplets

Summary: You introduce your brothers to your new girlfriend

Warnings: usual swearing, random name for the girlfriend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today you were going out to dinner. It was going to be a special dinner as you were going to introduce your first ever girlfriend to your brothers. You were nervous as the triplets were overprotective over you, however you knew they would be supportive, especially as Nick was gay and they supported the community as well.

You stood in your bedroom, running your hand through your hair. You didn't want anything fancy, neither did your girlfriend, Becca, as she was nervous too.

"Hey kid, you ready?" Nick called as he poked his head through your bedroom door.

"Yeah now coming." You answered.

You got up from your bed and walked over, Nick giving you a smile as he saw you.

"You look pretty, sweetheart." He complemented you.

"Thanks. I'm a bit nervous." You admitted, playing with the rings on your fingers.

"Don't be. We're not going anywhere fancy so we don't have to worry about Chris embarrassing us and I'm sure we'll love your girlfriend." He reassured you.

"Okay." You replied with a nod.

"I'm so proud of you too. I know how hard it is, really. We're all so proud of you, kid." He added.

You smiled and then went to find Chris and Matt, who were both ready to go. You were meeting Becca at the restaurant and she just sent you a message saying she was on her way.

You all then got into the car and drove off to the restaurant. It wasn't a long drive and soon you arrived. You looked and saw Becca standing by the entrance, making you smile at her pretty yellow dress.

"That must be her." Chris mentioned.

"How could you tell?" You asked.

"Cause she's a teenage girl and your smiling wide as you look at her." He answered.

You blushed as you all got out of the car, Becca noticed and gave you a wave. You walked over as she pulled you into a tight hug.

"These must be the famous three." Becca said, smiling at your brothers.

"I'm Nick, that's Matt and Chris." Nick introduced, holding his hand out.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Becca." She responded, shaking their hands.

"Should we go in now?" You suggested.

The guys nodded as you headed inside, getting shown to the table you had booked. You and Becca sat opposite the guys, which made it seem more like an integration that a meet the girlfriend dinner.

You all ordered some drinks to begin with before the guys started with their many questions.

"So Becca, how old are you?" Nick asked first.

"Sixteen." She answered. She was a year older than you.

"How did you two meet?" Matt asked.

"Through friends on the hockey team." She replied.

"What are your intentions?" Chris asked.

"Chris!" You exclaimed, but Becca laughed, playing her hand over yours gently.

"It's okay. Well my intentions are to make her the happiest girl in the world. I can get grumpy and angry quickly but Y/n is the sunshine I always wanted, she keeps me grounded and I want to be the support for her too. I really like her." She answered, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks.

"Aww that's so cute!" Chris squealed.

"I really like you too." You confessed, making her smile.

Dinner continued on and you were all laughing and joking, both you and Becca feeling less nervous now. By the end of it all, Becca's dad came to pick her up. She gave you a big hug before she left and you got in the car with your brothers.

"Well kid, we approve." Matt said.

"Yeah she's really chill and sweet." Chris added.

"And she really cares about you too." Nick continued.

"I'm glad, she makes me really happy." You said.

"However if she fucks up and hurts you in anyway, we're not scared to hit a teenage girl." Nick responded.

"I hope that never happens." You replied.

"Us either kid." Chris said.

With that, you all went home, happy with the guys meeting your first girlfriend.

[milaisreading]

🌱🩷: So, this is the first story of my Blue Lock Christmas special stories. I hope u all will like them! Thanks for reading🩷

Pairing: Otoya Eita x Isagi's sister!Yn

(Slight mention of Oliver Aiku x Isagi's sis!Yn)

Warnings: Reader uses she/her. No other warnings, really... there might be a little bit of angst, but that's abt it. It has a fluff ending

⚽️Blue Lock belongs to Muneyuki Kaneshiro and Yusuke Nomura⚽️

🎄Dec 10th🎄

It's the Christmas time right after the Japan team had won the World Cup. Otoya still felt the same amount of euphoria he felt months ago. He had made great new friends, got an offer to play in a good European football club, got many sponsorships, and, for Otoya most importantly, he got a lot of attention from the ladies. He always liked the attention they gave him, but never found it in himself to date one of the girls who confessed to him. Otoya wanted to blame that on the fact that he knew he wasn't relationship material, that he liked fucking around, and that he didn't want to make the same mistake he did prior to joining Blue Lock. But... Otoya knew that wasn't entirely true. He had eyes on someone else. He had feelings for someone else, and kept on silently admiring them from afar as they were happily in a relationship with someone else. And that someone was nobody other than Isagi (Y/n), their star striker's older sister. Otoya isn't someone who falls in love hard, but ever since he got to know the older Isagi he doesn't believe it. Otoya really loved the girl, and he wasn't sure what he loved more about her. Was it the laugh? The smile? The kind personality? The angry look she would send Isagi when he didn't pick his stuff up? Or maybe it was how relaxed she was? Or all of it combined? Otoya didn't know the answer, but one thing he did know is that he fell in love, and he wasn't getting out of it any time soon.

But, just like (Y/n) is perfect is Otoya's eyes, there was one imperfection about the girl that was bugging him. Well, it's not a flaw in her personality or looks, but more her partner. The one and only, Oliver Aiku, the former captain of the U-20 team and Japan's most well known two-timer. Otoya will admit it was hypocritical of him to hate Oliver for cheating, but he didn't care!

Thanks to his closeness with Isagi, Otoya got to know of all the times Oliver cheated on (Y/n), and every time she took him back! The green-eyed boy couldn't believe that, he didn't want to believe it, but... it was true. And in a way Otoya understood it, when you love someone you don't think clearly, but it didn't mean he liked it. He still remembers the day she came back home, crying while Otoya was visiting Isagi.

🎄Flashback🎄

It was the Christmas day of last year, and after a whole day of spending time with his family, he decided to visit his good friend Isagi (he hoped his sister was home, too). The blue-eyed boy didn't protest the idea much, since he was alone at home and just playing video games, while his parents went to a party and his sister went out on a date with Oliver.

"Soo... they are still dating?" Otoya asked, trying to keep his attention on the video game. Isagi sighed and did the same, not noticing or ignoring the obvious venom in Otoya's voice.

"Yeah... mom and I tried to tell her so many times to leave his pathetic ass, but she just won't. I understand she is in love with Aiku, but that doesn't mean she has to suffer like this." Isagi answered back as they waited for a new level to load. Otoya kept quiet, his grip on the controller tightening as he thought of Oliver.

'That idiot has such a sweet and caring person on his side...'

"How... how many times has it happened?" Otoya questioned.

"Hmm... Sis told me he cheated like 2 times... as far as she knows."

"Hm." Otoya's brows furrowed.

The entrance door suddenly slammed open, startling the duo and Isagi paused the game to see who it was.

"Hm?" Isagi mumbled as he walked towards the entrance. Otoya watched silently, wondering who it could be.

"Sis... it happened again?" The green-eyed boy stood up as he heard Isagi's words, his heart thumbing against his ribcage as he listened in on them.

"Y-yes... but it's fine... I was planning on breaking up today, anyways." (Y/n) sobbed out and Otoya peeked from the open entrance, only to find the girl being hugged by her brother while she was crying.

"I am so stupid."She cried out again and Otoya returned back into the living room before the siblings saw him.

'That stupid asshole...' The green-eyed boy clenched his fists as he listened in on the duo.

🎄Present time🎄

After that day, Otoya made sure to be more attentive towards (Y/n), and was more responsible with his flirting. In hindsight, Otoya should have been this way while (Y/n) and Oliver were still dating, but the flirting made Oliver mad and (Y/n) didn't seem to mind much, since he was never really inappropriate or anything. So, Otoya saw it as a win. But ever since the break up, he just couldn't bring himself to be the old Otoya in that sense. So he would just do some basic things. If he visited Isagi, he would bring some food for them and (Y/n), if she needed help with groceries, he would be there (Isagi was forced to tell him, since Otoya wouldn't stop pestering him), if she said she liked some new book, he would look for it and read. He was down that bad... The whole time he just wanted her to see he was reliable and could be there for her. Something Oliver wasn't.

Otoya sighed as he found the last item in the grocery store his mom sent him to. Memories of the final at the World Cup playing in his head.

🎄Flashback🎄

Otoya looked over at the VIP section from time to time while the team was warming-up for their match against Germany. Otoya could feel the adrenaline rush hitting him 10x harder than it usually would. Not only was this the match everyone was fighting tooth and nail to get to, but also (Y/n) was there and watching him. She was sitting with her parents and waving at the guys from time to time.

'I wish she wore my jersey instead...' Otoya thought as he noted the number 11 written on the particular shirt she wore.

"Otoya, are you alright?"

Speaking of the devil, the younger Isagi walked up to the green-eyed boy, causing him to look at the blue-eyed boy.

"Fine. I am just thinking."

"About my sis?" Isagi raised an eyebrow, watching Otoya blush a little.

"Am I that obvious?"

"Yes. It is amusing to watch." Isagi snickered as Otoya sent him a side-glare, but it quickly disappeared.

"Say... does your sister ever talk about me?" Isagi stopped laughing and looked at Otoya again.

"Well, she said you are very caring and funny to hang out with." The younger answered as be watched Otoya blush again, then continued speaking.

"You know, if you like my sister... try it. (Y/n) seems to like you a lot."

"R-really?" Otoya stuttered, frantically looking between him and (Y/n).

"Yeah. Just...just don't hurt her."

"Of course I won't! I... She means a lot to me." Otoya sighed and looked back at her, just in time for their eyes to meet. The boy blushed as (Y/n) waved at him and he waved back.

'I will ask her out if we win this final game. I promise.'

🎄Present Time🎄

'I still didn't do it... I should probably confess before I leave for Spain in 2 months.' Otoya thought as he made his way back home. The boy fished out his phone and looked at the time, then at the date.

'December 23rd...'

An idea popped in his head then.

🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️🎄☃️

December 24th

Shibuya ward, Tokyo

"Otoya! Sorry if I am late!" The boy looked away from the night sky and excitedly watched as (Y/n) approached him.

"So-sorry! My ride was late. Did you wait for too long?" She asked, stopping in front of him while clutching the strap of her bag.

'Cute... she looks cute!' Otoya blushed and shook his head as he was observing her.

"Not at all... I am happy you made it here. You look good today..." The boy mumbled nervously, causing the girl to blush a little.

"Thanks, although it's nothing special. Y-you look nice, too." She stuttered the last part, at Otoya felt like his brain went blank for a moment, but he ended up shaking himself out of that state.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet up with me today. Especially when everything is so busy and crowded now. I... uhm..." Otoya felt like his heart was about to explode.

'Come on! You confessed to girls before!'

"It's nothing worth thanking me for! I really like hanging out with you!" She smiled again.

'But... with (Y/n) it's different. I really need to be smooth with it.' He took a deep breath.

"I like you! More than just a friend." Otoya said, blushing a bright red.

'Otoya Eita, you idiot!' He wanted to facepalm himself as he watched (Y/n)'s eyes widen in shock.

"I... I am sorry it came out like this, but I really meant what I said. I liked you for a while and... and wanted to say this before I leave for Spain. I..." Otoya took a deep breath as his heart broke a little by what he said next.

"I cam understand if you don't feel the same. I just hope we can still stay friends."

(Y/n) kept quiet as Otoya spoke, the boy growing more and more nervous.

'I should have kept my mouth shut-'

"I... I like you, too." She said, face flushed while trying to look directly at Otoya.

"I did for months now... and I wanted to confess weeks ago, but after I heard you will be leaving Japan soon..." (Y/n) took a deep breath. Now it was Otoya's turn to look shocked.

"I didn't want to make the little bit of time we have left awkward. I wasn't sure if you liked me."

The duo kept quiet after that for a minute, both equally excited and flushed.

"I am happy... you liking me back really makes me happy." Otoya said as a soft smile made its way on his face, moving closer to (Y/n).

"So... does that mean we are a... a couple now?" She wondered, moving closer as well.

"Of course. I... I might suck at expressing myself properly, but you mean a lot to me, and I promise to cherish you."

"Even... even when we are far apart? You won't leave me?"

"Never. I will make sure to contact you as much as possible. I would never dream of leaving you."

Otoya gently grabbed her face and the two shared a short and sweet kiss.

"To think that last Christmas I was a crying mess... a year sure makes a big difference." She laughed little as Otoya pulled her into a hug. The boy smiling from ear to ear as he felt her hug him back.

"I swear that every Christmas from mow on will be even better than the previous ones. I love you."

"Love you,too, Otoya." She sighed in bliss, hugging him tightly.

[atxxzist]

broken | c.s (11)

prev // next // series m.list

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 5.5k

warning: u alr know

a/n: went off the radar 4 a while only to pull 5k out of my ass. pls give me all the constructive criticisms <3

you were glad to have lost him in the crowd, hiding behind the shoulders of people until your ride showed up and took you back to the dorm--though that was probably a mistake on your part.

because when there's a knock at the door, you know it's him.

you also know you shouldn't open it; shouldn't allow him back in because there's no reason to hear him out.

but a part of you, so hurt by what he did--the scene still playing in your head and the image of it just as painful as the first time, it feels like there's a brick sitting on your chest whilst trying to catch your breath--that you just need some kind of consolation, even if it comes in the form of predictable lies and a bigger inevitable heartbreak.

want him to tell you that it was a mistake, that she was the one who threw herself onto him; that he never meant to hurt you... even if it wasn't a mistake and though he didn't mean to hurt you, he wasn't thinking of you.

"what?" you try to sound angry, maybe even a little bored to hide the fact you cried the entire ride here.

he stands tall outside your room but look the smallest you've ever seen him, dark hair falling over his eyes and speaking in a shameful voice, "can i talk to you?"

you sulk at that, a click of your tongue and turning around to go sit at the edge of your bed with arms crossed, as if there could an explanation for why he was all over someone else when you weren't there.

his hands gripping her hips and face in her neck the way only he's allowed to do to you.

"i promise that her and me are just friends," he says, shutting the door behind him and settling down beside you, but you're so upset and hurt, his leg just slightly brushing yours sparking a reaction like never before, you have to scoot over and put on some kind of distance.

“we’re…” he drags his words before finishing it off, “friends.” a smile settling on him after that makes you feel so sick–whether it’s from how attractive he still looks or how the answer brings out so many other questions.

“friends?” you reiterate like you’re in denial.

“yeah, friends.”

“do friends sleep with each other?” kiss each other, visit one another and spew such sweet, blush-inducing words that conjures up butterflies?

“some friends do.”

when you finally spare him a glance, you have to keep from giving in just at the guilt all over his face and that he actually came after you. but you're fast to renounce immediately when you see that dark, stained mark on his neck again staring back like someone hitting the replay button on your misery once more.

then all that comes out are just cold and bitter words said in the most unamused tone, san even thinks you sound sarcastic.

"she's a friend, i'm a friend, what's the difference?"

the harshness stuns him, though, what else did he expect? because even someone sweet and forgiving like you has a breaking point when pushed too far.

"you're not just a friend, y/n. you're--"

"i'm what?"

you await his answer, possibly a lie that will make you feel better and more special compared to every other girls he messes with. but the disappointment when he remains silence is strong, it consumes you completely.

"well, i'm sorry i ruined the night for you. i finished most of my assignments and just thought maybe we could hang out, but looks like you already got company. so truly, i'm sorry."

"don't say that."

"why not? it's true though. you were occupied when i got there."

"stop staying that!"

the volume picks you up from the seat, his delivery could've fooled anyone that it was just a blind accusation. but you realize; take in, that san doesn't like his own fuck-ups being thrown in his face. no one really does.

"look, i'm sorry. really sorry," he tries again, voice softer, attempting to calm you; calm himself.

but after everything, after building up your trust and filling your fragile heart with so much hope, all he can offer is a sorry. no lies or consolations because none of it was a mistake.

you suddenly feel like it's getting much harder to breathe, the brick on your chest multiplying by a million and cutting the airway.

"y/n?" san calls, his once shameful face turning concerned. "are you okay?"

but you certainly don't feel okay, and you honestly haven't for a long time. if ever. and every episode in the same fashion is a reminder of that.

"it's fine," you manage to let out, a bittersweet smile on and a response that san can't read into. "you didn't do anything wrong."

this isn't a relationship--a proper one at least, and he isn't your boyfriend. the hardest pill to swallow is he didn't have to come after you, didn't have to apologize... because a truth even harder to digest, is that he doesn't owe you anything.

but you can still hurt from it; allow the pain to settle in as if everything he's done with you is only exclusive to you and him. only you can kiss him, mark him, and his hands should only be on your hips. not anyone else.

and you do. you hurt from it so much, tears streaming down your cheeks so quietly but the sight such a sore to watch, san's not sure what to say to make it better.

can he even make it better?

there's nothing to clarify and nothing to add. you very clearly saw everything for what it was: he replaced you, just like that. and the sickest thing is that he did it so mindlessly like it's a habit. because that's what he does.

he didn't think you'd take it this hard, or maybe he was just hoping he wouldn't get caught because breaking you is easy... he's done it before, but he's afraid this is the worst, yet.

"y-you should go," you say suddenly, picking your head up to san's wide eyes staring back at your puffy red ones before you swipe your runny nose.

"i..." he fidgets, "i can't go right now. not with you like this."

he can almost laugh at the absurdity, the irony of it all when he's the reason you're in this state right now. he understands the absolute ridiculousness but he really can't go; leave you like this.

a shake of your head is what you give, along with a tight-lipped smile although the tears are starting to sting and it's still not any easier to breathe.

"go. i'll be fine."

"no."

you wish for once to understand san, what goes on inside his head and how he makes his choices, because no matter how much you find out about him, it seems you never really truly know who he is.

he will say one thing and then does another; do this then tell you that. hurt you then feel bad about it, like he never really means anything.

san confuses you.

and you also wish you're not so weak-hearted to let him stay by your side once more as if he's not capable of hurting you again.

the week has been tense, something unpleasant always in attendance when you're with san, even if he's trying his best to brush it off; ignore it, put a smile on his face and act as if it doesn't bother him, too.

as if the week before, he didn't nearly send you into a panic attack and the sight continuously ingrained in his head, it might've scarred him just a bit.

but you're honestly still not used to it--san actually staying around and constantly checking up on you to make sure everything's okay after what happened.

it's odd he actually gives a shit, but even odder you're starting to recognize the pattern of lovebombing every time he fucks up and you can't even find the willpower to be genuinely upset. maybe just a little tired at this point, but still going along to see where it will take you, a gut feeling that the end is near.

"what are you working on?" san's voice makes you jump, turning the laptop the other way immediately in a panic. moments ago, he was still occupied in his own world, you were so sure he wouldn't be interested in your exciting school works.

"just fixing up my draft for a class," you tell him, having to move the laptop even further when he tries stealing a glimpse again, a loose giggle escaping from his lips at the expression on you.

"what's wrong? don't want me to see it?" he raises a brow teasingly.

"it's just a silly little story," you dismiss, "full of mistakes and a lot of corrections that needs to be made."

"i'm sure it's not that bad. but anything from you, i'll read."

a charming smile rests on him and with words like a spell, you have to keep it together; remind yourself that this is the man who had hurt you and no matter how sweet or convincing he is, there's a chance he's gonna do it again, every seconds spent with him constantly in alert ever since, that if you can hardly say no, you can at least keep from showing any amount of joy or satisfaction around him.

"maybe next time."

he just nods lightly and backs up.

"whenever you're confident enough."

it's all so eerie, you might as well preferred when he treated you like shit instead. it's just unlike san to be so lenient, the offer to hang out having came from him when you had made clear he didn't have to because you would be leaving for work soon anyways.

but he was eager about staying regardless of how short the visit would be, it's hard to be touched when you're not at all convinced it's out of sincerity.

"i have to get ready for work." you close the laptop and search the room for materials you have prepared.

san twitches in his seat and swallows down before speaking.

"i'll come pick you up?"

freezing in your spot at that, you turn to him and shake your head.

"no, it's fine. i'll take a cab home like i always do."

the jab is subtle but san doesn't miss it, a look of shame and guilt on him, but he's fooled you one too many times, you can hardly believe anything anymore.

"please, y/n," he pleads, desperation overriding his features as he stands up and hovers over you, "i don't mind. as long as you let me."

as long as you let me. as if all this time, you weren't waiting for him to do his part; the only thing finally pushing him to act upon it now is when he has to.

"if you want," you give in, and he can tell it's only because you're in a hurry, the cold shoulder unlike anything he's ever experienced before. he can't say he doesn't deserve it, but it's definitely out of place coming from you.

it's also out of place he's even trying to make up; console you, everything of which he usually doesn't do, but he feels he owes you that at the very least... or maybe he's just not ready to let it go, yet.

the comfort, your presence, and the things you do for him. he don't want to let go of how easy everything is with you, he wish for it to last just a little longer despite knowing how it will end, but he is so, so selfish.

"i'll be there."

"wooyoung's party is tonight," you initiate during the third time he's picked you up after a work shift.

"so?" he shrugs.

"you're not going?"

"no."

"oh..." you sigh, slouching in the seat and looking out the window of his car. "if you want to, you can. you're not obligated to--"

"--can we please not talk about that?"

about the very thing that lead you two into the current predicament, no longer in each other arms and staring into the other's eyes lovingly, but with a gaze always so tense and uncomfortable that he's too responsible for.

"san, you don't have to do this. we're not even dating, and i... i don't really care about it anymore," your voice tapers out at the end, so utterly weak, you can't even carry a lie to the last breath because you definitely do still care, and it definitely still hurts like it's the first time.

but to be treated like a responsibility; an obligation he's bind to and have to act upon--it just doesn't sit right. you've already spent way too long being nothing but a burden.

"even if you don't care about it anymore, i feel bad, okay? that was awful of me to do, and i really want to make it up to you. i hurt you, i know i did."

it would be easy to go along with it, the fact he's even trying at all when the relationship is nameless; lacking of label--you should even be grateful to an extent. but the weight is harder to shake off, and every second with the conflict brewing makes you feel as if doom is coming and you're about to burst.

you don't say anything, only merely glancing out the window again to find some form of peace because even the subject is starting to wear you out at this point.

"i won't be attending any more of those parties," he speaks up after you're quiet for too long; the statement making your head snap to him.

"huh? you know you don't--"

"--i know i don't have to, but i wan't to, so please don't try to convince me otherwise."

and maybe the you before he went and fucked up the very last bit of faith you had left in him, would've been moved. but as of currently, you're all too aware of his intentions.

pushed to the edge and the trust in him nearly gone, he understands it will never be the same again. he just wishes even if for the last time, to be in your good grace, because though he doesn't want to let go yet, he don't know for how much longer he'll be able to stay.

the clock is ticking and the distance between you and him is growing more and more.

it would be a lot less painful if he stops everything here; save you the heartbreak and tears that are going to come, but again, he really is such an opportunist, always taking and never giving.

it's poor and tasteless to say that's just how he is, but it's the truth... so he throws himself down; stripped of dignity and pride, and all just for you... for the first and possibly, last time.

"goodnight," he whispers, voice soft and trying to light up the mood before the end of the night, because your eyes are nothing but dead.

"goodnight." it sounds almost like an inaudible and uninterested mumble, the life on you completely different from his.

the both of you just stare at each other, as if waiting for the other person to finally say the last call and end what would usually be a kiss and maybe bodies tangled together in a heated session, but now more like two acquaintances trying to make the best out of the situation.

"are you free tomorrow?" he asks, trying his very best.

and you suppose you've had far too many chances to make things right; lessen the pain and end what is already dead, but the undeniable truth is no matter how much you preach... you're also afraid to let go, if not, more than him.

"yeah."

~

"is that another story you're working on?" his voice rings in your ear, making your nervous eyes twitch to him.

"san!" you nag, and he only giggles in return, backing away from the screen before you're able to push him yourself.

"what? i just want to see." he shrugs.

"well, keep your eyes away." you nearly roll your own, huffing before switching to another tab.

"is it that bad?" the teasing tone is evident, prompting another glare from you.

"it's not a story. just something for my class."

"hmm," san hums, nodding, "when you said you were free, i didn't expect to be sitting on the side while you finish up class assignments."

"well, when i said free, i meant i'm not going anywhere."

"right." he nods sarcastically, "we should do something."

"like?"

"like going out, or if not, we can watch a movie of your choice, if you want something explicit like last time, i'm fine with that too." he smirks, and you have to hold back from overreacting.

"whatever," you dismiss quietly, handing the laptop over to him.

"you pick. i don't really have anything in mind right now."

but it's a mistake, because instead, san clicks on the document you were working on; the surge of panic making you pry the device from him harshly but he's a fighter, tugging even harder.

"san, if you don--"

with another jerk, you're pressed up against his chest and staring into those coy eyes you're all too familiar with, conjuring up butterflies that's been so long, you almost forgot how he made you feel, with his handsomeness and smile that's too easy to fall into.

he smirks before stealing a kiss to your cheek, releasing the laptop as you fall back gently while the blush crawls out.

"sorry," he says cheekily, but you know he doesn't really mean it.

you attempt to fight the smile at the tip of your lips, biting down to conceal as much as possible, san thinks it's extremely endearing.

it's also been way too long since he's kissed you, and seeing the first genuine reaction in such a long while, nothing reminiscent of hatred or bitterness does make him feel a certain way.

~

it's only supposed to be dinner at san's place (at first). he invites you and says he wants to do something for the weekend, and it's not like you're going to decline when he's doing everything--as well as picking you up.

it's always casual at first; conversation, gestures, and everything.

you're starting to lose the edges a bit ever since that day, san witnessing more smiles than frowns and you don't look like you completely hate him, so he thinks, maybe things can be good again.

his apartment always feel homey, though you don't always feel welcomed every time... it is very nicely decorated.

roaming the interior and everywhere you guys have been before, you have to keep from really thinking too much; close out the thoughts of who else he brings here and where exactly he kissed them.

rather than forgiving san, you just kind of became... numb to it all.

the reminder isn't as frequent, but every time you do remember, the hit is still sharp and you'd have to catch your breath, but you've just gotten better at acting like it doesn't bother you anymore.

when the aroma from the kitchen finally settles in, it knocks any other thoughts out of your head and becomes the primary focus as you start sniffing the air.

"let me set everything up," san speaks from behind, walking past you to get to the kitchen.

and it starts like that. a nice dinner at his much smaller kitchen island filled with soft laughters and a genuine interest for each other, it's everything you envisioned if things were right.

when he offers some soju, you don't drink too much as the taste of alcohol in general still something you're not used to, but you drink enough to get tipsy.

enough to loosen up and not feel completely like yourself, but also not enough to still know that when san crashes his lips against yours, it's all kinds of wrong that only feels right in the moment.

the one that you will come to regret once you're sober enough and really think. but maybe your life is as messed up as it is because you never really do, always drawn to temptation over logic.

san is going to be your biggest downfall and he won't be the only one at fault.

you kiss him back and throw both arms around his neck, the slight flavor of the drink he had still lingering and you don't miss the scent that comes along with it as he manages to pick you up and throw down your body onto the couch.

you miss the way he feels on your skin, and he misses your skin on his lips, which is why the first kiss delivered to your neck is the only gentle one before he loses himself.

what comes after that is cliche and obvious.

it doesn't feel right but it does feel good. both of you panting and trying to catch your breaths as he snap his hips into yours and gets a curse out of you.

"oh fuck..." you bite down your lower lip and your nails only digs deeper into the skin of his back at the sensation.

so you sleep with him that night, the shame only hitting when the morning sun rises and you awake to his bare chest pressed against your back and his arm wrapped around your waist.

he's still sleeping and he's absolutely beautiful as always.

you wonder, aside from breaking a foolish girl's heart over and over again, what kind of things has san managed to get away with just because he's as mesmerizing as he is.

it would be easy for someone like him.

but shame can only do so much and last for so long before you submit to temptation again and sleeps with him a few more times after as well, just because he's good at pretending you mean something to him, and you're all too good at self destruction and fooling yourself that when he stayed all those nights with you until morning, it's because of something else and not what you already know.

the park is quiet; empty, not a single soul in sight other than you and the boy who came along as the small talks take you both in under the moonlight.

"have you always liked writing?" he asks, and you can't help the scoff that leaves, because when did choi san become so invested in mindless hobbies and things you do to pass time. or in this case, something you still haven't quite grasped that still feels much like a chore because it is tied to a class in the first place.

"no." you shake your head, walking along the narrow path as the summer breeze rustles the branches of the trees.

"i only recall slightly that you like computers."

"kind of. yeah," you confirm short and simple, not about to have that conversation again about why it wasn't meant to be.

san is selfish, in the most vain and obvious fashion that doesn't take a genuis to figure out. you believe he knows so himself and holds very little shame from the fact.

eventually, his mask will unveil and it's not like he ever tried hard enough to hide it because you're also selfish in your own ways.

you may not be calculating like san is, but to have keep him around this long and to say it's not because of your own stupid desires and wants would be a lie.

that you also don't use him to fill the hurt and emptiness in your life, chasing after him so hard because he's the closest to the kind of love you've always wanted.

because if you weren't, you would've let him go.

someone like san won't ever be able to love you, and even if he did, how long would it be until he realizes the commitment to one person is all too much and gets bored?

even now, you wonder if he enjoys the time with you at all. because who would rather hang with you than be out at an obnoxious party? but he can still offer temporary relief, and that's awful of you to say, but he was the first to be selfish and will continue to be until the last breath of the 'relationship' so why can't you also?

time seems like it's closing out and you're not sure how much longer the two of you can play pretend before the inevitible shows itself.

"what about you?" you perk to him, blinking your lashes charmingly. "you talked of dancing and performing before, so how come i've only heard about it once?"

a half scoff half laugh escapes from him and turning his attention to the path instead like you just asked a ridiculous question.

"well, i kind of already told you why, but i just don't got much passion for it nowaday."

“i’m not sure,” is all he says, a small sigh of disappointment escaping from you that goes unheard. “i wanted to major in dance and performance, but…”

“but?”

“but i can’t make a living or lifestyle out of it. so i didn’t.”

"i remember. but if you considered it, the passion must had been there once upon a time."

"oh yeah, definitely."

you hesitate for a second, but there's not a lot to lose at this point.

"i'd love to know, if you don't mind telling me."

it takes another couple of steps, but he does answer with very little objection much to your surprise.

"wooyoung got me into it, believe it or not."

"wooyoung was in on it, too?"

"yeah." san laughs. "i was an even worse dancer before i met him. but yeah, was in some sort of club or group for it in high school and we performed at some school events, but that's pretty much it. nothing really worth calling back to."

"no, that's great. it takes a lot of courage to go up there, cause i wouldn't have had the guts. i think i would pass out."

"oh, i know," he teases, and you shoot an unserious glare his way.

"and what about wooyoung? did he go into performance?"

san shakes his head.

"nah. undecided also, but i don't think he's stressing out too much about it. from his parents alone, he would be able to land a sweet job even if he got kicked out."

you nod, a snarky smile on your lips.

"yeah, true."

rich kids and their privileges.

after a few more strolls in silence around the area, san suggests taking a break from walking, both of you plopping onto the bench with tired breath puffing into the air.

it's your first time at this park, but it's not too big and has a nice amount of benches, but more so, the location is convenient because it's a good distance from the dorm which means less chance of your friends finding out.

"dance for me," you demand out of thin air, san turning to meet your gaze a few seconds before a laugh tumbles out, thinking you're most likely joking.

"i'm serious." you sit up and adjust your shirt slightly.

"it's been almost an entire year since i last danced to anything, i'm rusty now."

"so? i want to see. come on," you continue to urge, scooting even closer because then, he might give in.

"this is ridiculous. you're going to make fun of me."

you shake your head, desperate to prove the sincerity.

"i won't. i know you'll do great."

he lets out a defeated sigh before getting up with a "fine" and sees the biggest smile of the night on you.

"but you owe me something in return, too." he points finger and you wave it off.

"sure..." pulling your phone out, you look up to ask, "so what song?"

"uh... exo... overdose?" it's been a while to be fair, and san usually isn't one to hold things in memories, no matter the importance. short term or long term.

the song starts and he nods to the music, a few movements here and there trying to recall but he's struggling a bit, you can tell, unable to help the giggle that comes out because the sight is endearing.

"skip to the chorus."

and you do, eyes trained on him without detracting and watching as the recollection seems to creep up, his execution still a little jumbled and he doesn't look like he's 100% confident, but you know you've never seen anyone moved like that in your lifetime.

not that you know anything about dancing or whatever, but you've definitely never met a dancer, so to see someone work their body and move it so effortlessly, you're impressed for sure.

san doesn't even realize the chorus's over until you start clapping, the muscle memory just naturally leading him to the next beat.

it's been a while since he's moved like that and the sense of comfort that comes from it is weird, but welcoming in a way. it was quite fun, he thinks.

you're still clapping when he sits down again, the thin smile on you eventually turning into something more.

"you said you're rusty but you did so good! you even remembered it!"

"bleh," he dismisses, detaching from your gaze to stare out at the emptiness in front, "just muscle memory."

your next set of compliments blurs into muffled voices for him at the same time conflicts run round in his head, snapped back when you bring up, "want to stay over? yuna said she won't be back until morning."

it's the longest he ever takes to say a short and breathless, "yeah..." walking back with you to the dorms but feeling like a completely different person, it's frightening the way he just flip flops emotions, it raises the hair at the back of your neck from what you thought was a harmless and even entertaining situation.

but san seems to have taken it otherwise because the silence is anything but comforting, you fear this is it.

you unlock the door and settle your things first, your shoulder just barely angled his way when san annouces he's going to take a shower.

when you imagined the end, you think of a screaming match; at each other's throats and just absolutely the ugliest way possible. but this just might be worse... it's always worse when it comes unexpected.

but unexpected is such a loose term at this rate, because between you and san, there is so much hurt and so many unspoken wounds beyond repair from all the chasing.

you're so broken and san is not good for you, but for your own selfish desire, you wish he would stay, even if for one more night.

when you're near asleep from all the waiting, your heavy eyes failing to keep focus on the wall, the sound of the door creaking followed by footsteps until his chest is against your back gives you the biggest sign of relief, it's quite pathetic.

that he's going to stay and whatever came over him was just momentarily and you're all too good at overthinking.

you let sleep take over, hopeful that when you wake up, he will still be next to you.

~

san thinks that if you ever allowed yourself to think you're worse than him even once, you're absolutely out of your mind--which, you are, because he don't doubt you've thought of it.

you're quite skilled at leading the fault back to your own.

but if you're the one to pull the gun out, he would be the one to pull the trigger. and if you were to ever commit a crime, he would be the mastermind behind it.

if you're selfish, he will always be more selfish than you.

when he gets so much more than what he bargains for, coming to the realization over and over again that it's not good to recognize your touch and lose himself in your smile, he wants to run again. the way he always does.

it's how he handles unwanted emotions and practically anything not on his fucking list.

he will start something on impulse and trying to make up to you was definitely that, and it will end the same way.

he started this with you for all the wrong reasons and now, it's way past the due date.

~

you wake to very little light in the room, tossing lightly to gain your conscious, but heart suddenly dropping when you can sense the cool air of nothingness gliding against your back.

back that you thought would've been protected by a certain boy. but when you finally turn around, the worst pain yet hits you right in the face.

the space next to you is empty, and all there's left of san is a note taped to the side of the nightstand that you can only faintly see, but know every letter to.

'i'm sorry'

next // series m.list

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[mrsnancywheeler]

omg those billy things you just wrote... i was gagged!

but imagine his muse coming back after a fight and she is all like "ok, if you are going to call me a groupie then i will act like one". like walking away from him whenever he wont pay attention to her, openly flirting with eddie, and wearing the sluttiest outfits possible! and eventually it gets a little concerning so billy is like "wtf are you doing? youre mine." *cue the angsty and frustrated smut* but then after she just feels so angry, she did what billy wanted but he still wasnt happy! she is just so confused about her life, and i feel like this is maybe a month before she disappears at daisys house

-🦋

so real and so her

like you're young and confused and don't really know what you want or what he wants, so it's from this mixed place of I'll be the thing he says he wants but also an angrier, fine, I'll do what he wants and see how much he likes it. plus this is the beginning of the end, so the allure is starting to become even less fantastical.

but when billy gives you the look or comment that you're being too needy, you give him what he just want, space. for you to be just like every other rejected groupie and cozy up to the next member of the band. so the moment billy casts you away with his attitude and snide comments, you've cozied right up next to eddie.

eddie who will always respond to your advanced, lets you be touchy, isn't scared to be just as touchy and flirty back. it always grates on billy, but it does so even more when you're not stuck to his side at all. if he calls you don't come running desperately back, you take your time. you even flirt with warren a little and don't shy away from showing yourself off in extremely low cut tops and short shorts. the tension in the studio is palpable, so much so that even warren gets the message and tries to interact with you less, but eddie doesn't give a care in the world to how billy feels, so you stay cuddled up with him on most breaks unless billy specifically asks for your attention. and yes during this time you're totally is hiding off with eddie to suck him off or fuck because if billy doesn't want you like that, you can be the groupie mostly focused on eddie, who does make you feel valued, special, important.

and this behavior continues at the house, you'll take rides from anyone who offers, cuddle up with whoever, although you don't insert yourself anywhere like you're scared you might be overstepping. which confuses everyone because you're a friend, but it's like you've demoted yourself from that role fully to a groupie in the background. and billy is sick of it and during a break asks for you to come over to him and he's pulling you into a closet.

"what the hell is up with you?"

"what do you mean?"

"you know what I mean, you're-"

"look, billy, if you wanted your dick sucked all you had to do was ask. or I'm sure someone else would love that about now." before you can sink to your knees he's keeping you up.

"what do you mean by that?" he's seething.

"you know exactly what it means." and his lips are on yours, pushing your back against the shelf. he's quick to mark up your neck and chest.

"you're my girl. my fucking girl you get that? you're here for me." by the time he's got your legs wrapped around his torso as he pounds into you you're still just lost in whatever is it he's proclaiming. "I say you're my girl, tell other people that, bring you to the studio, you get talked about in the fucking papers, and you don't even talk to me in the studio. fucking ridiculous"

"billy-"

you're so close to pure ecstasy when his words are throwing you for a loop, "you close, baby? making you feel better then eddie, aren't I? you fit me perfectly. eddie could never-"

"billy!"

you gasp when he harshly thrusts up, "eddie could never take care of you the way I do, could he?"

you want to refuse to answer, to give him the satisfaction, but then he's hitting that spot that nearly has you losing complete control and you can't help yourself. "no billy, feel so fucking good. need you, oh my god, billy, so fucking close!"

he's smirking up against your jawline. "that's what I thought. it's okay, baby, let go. I got you, got my girl." and when you've both finally come undone and he's got you securely back in the ground. you're more confused then ever. "okay, now that you've thrown your little temper tantrum, we can move on, baby."

you're scoffing, "you're fucking unbelievable." you're storming out of the closet and he's following behind in disbelief.

"you acted out for attention, like a fucking child and I indulged you. why are you mad, now?"

"I don't know the hell you want from me, billy! 'youre just another groupie, realize your place. I could have anyone, you're not special.' and if I do that you get upset because I'm not only paying attention to you! and then it's all, 'you're my girl, just mine. I care about you, need you around. my girl. my girl. my fucking girl.' you make no fucking sense and I'm sick of it!" you don't care that the whole band is watching when you grab your purse in the studio.

and billy knows you're right, that he is constantly throwing you for a loop. he has no idea what to say do he just grabs your arms, puts your forehead to his and takes deep breaths until you reluctantly do the same. "why don't you just come sit by me and help me fix the sound up, baby?" and then you just start crying because of how overwhelming this all is and he nods, takes you on the other side of the glass to sit you down as he has the band run some instrumental things. his hand tracing patterns up your thigh as he works.

and this is all just yeah part of the buildup of her having enough lmao

[number1villainstan]

13 14 and 15 for the ask game?

13. character that you think is underappreciated by the fandom

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh jesus that's hard. It's RGU, it's a small fandom, SO many characters don't get the love they deserve cause there's simply not enough manpower--

But my (semi) serious answer is Saionji. Or Mikage. I like them both a lot, because they're both a lot like me--Mikage's a heavily neurodivergent-coded gifted-kid-to-burnt-out-adult pipeline victim like I am, and I see a lot of my own anger and frustration in Saionji. With Saionji in particular, I feel like a lot of people in the fandom kinda write him off as just a violent, misogynistic clown, which, to be fair, he is violent and misogynistic (for at least the first half of the show), but to write him off as a clown is to ignore the messages the show sends using and surrounding his character, about how toxic masculinity both is perpetuated by and hurts the 'average man' (<-badly expressed but moving on). But then again, this feeling could just be my biased ass going "HE IS SO ME" and being sad that no one likes him because [list of extremely valid reasons not to like him]. I tend to do that. A lot. In nearly every fandom I'm in.

14. character you wish had more screentime

WAKABA!!!!! ESPECIALLY IN THE SECOND HALF!!! because you KNOW saionji's rejection fucking wrecked her. and you KNOW she's got all of these Complicated Bad Emotions that she's suppressing in order to present herself as a Good Girl/a Good Friend. and like...I know her lack of screentime after her Black Rose duel was kind of on purpose, to drive home the idea that she has Failed To Be Special, but like--god. I know--I KNOW--that she's harboring some serious jealousy of Utena and Anthy. I KNOW that there are so many potential parallels to be drawn between the Wakaba/Utena canon relationship and the Saionji/Touga canon relationship, and between Wakaba and Saionji specifically, I go insane over those parallels (jealousy and low self worth and "you're my best friend and i hate you but i love you but i hate you" and desperately needing to be Special), and I just--I genuinely wish that Wakaba's character was explore more in canon. We got an incredibly enticing peek during the Black Rose arc, but we didn't plumb the depths, and the potential of Wakaba's character is just so *clenches fist*

15. character that you relate to the most

I already said it when answering number 13, but Saionji is the one I think about most (he's angry and too-blunt and confused and forever the laughingstock and he lashes out in ways that just make everything worse for him), and Mikage is one I also relate to a lot (that Shadow Girl play about the monkey-catching robot and loneliness hit HARD) as someone who's AuDHD and was an AP kid in high school and also utterly miserable and isolated in high school, not least because I was trained into Schoolwork Is Number One Priority and I didn't know I had ADHD at the time. (I definitely think Mikage has ADHD and self medicates with coffee and maybe also less-than-legal stimulants. He might also be autistic but he's definitely ADHD.)

the ask game this is referring to is here

[granulesofsand]

The Two Dead Girls

🗝️🏷️ major TW for RAMCOA, especially death by torture and simulated ultimatums

We don’t talk much about the trauma Olympics we do for our history. Not between each other, though we do that, too — between us and the kids who died there.

I think I can hold onto that for a moment without deciding it’s true.

There’s a trigger word for it, part of a larger phrase, that our perps used to tell us when we felt that way. That we had it good, because for all the temporary pain and chronic disability, we are still alive. Our limbs are still attached. Most of our scars were nonlethal, and the few that were we got in moderated environments with resuscitation after.

It ties into another structure, one a few of our higher-ups are built on; we are alive because we were better. One route is believing they were better because our body was prettier (white, blonde, blue eyes). The other was because we were smarter, literate earlier and good with logic while still dissociating information to get the answers they wanted. We had a pathway for physical aptitude, too, but that tanked fast. None of the qualities they wanted are true anymore.

Or, more accurately, those qualities were grafted into branches they could use and pruned out of the rest of us.

Special child, the same ego they gave everybody.

I don’t know why they keep us around. Maybe they just didn’t have enough back-ups.

The memories of their little bodies, twisted and insides splayed out, serves that dual purpose. We are lucky. We are better. We were lucky they thought we were better. And this is only two little girls who never made it out.

We think we remember both because they happened close to each other. We didn’t know their names, if they had them. I don’t know how to describe their skin, their eyes, their hair. I can only name the objects that reflect them.

Brown girls, the color of wet earth, but different shades. Red ochre, terracotta before it’s baked, it’s hard to see her without all that blood. Her eyes are open, stayed open, almond peel and cypress bark. Her hair was orange-black, city lights in the dark. She smells like rain, like tears, eventually like rot. She was maybe four to six years old, malnourished.

The other was older, or at least bigger, more like six to eight. She was the color of cowhide and fresh mulch, the long couch you could pet like velvet. I only saw her eyes twice, once frightened and once furious. She hated me. I hope she died angry at me, I hope the demon myths are true and I see her now because she means to linger. I doubt it, but I hope. Coffee eyes, translucent in the light like liquid. A shade off from her pupils, somehow both amber and mud. Her hair was red-black, sometimes blue like moonlight. She smells like earthworms, even before they made her crawl.

I hate myself more for outlasting the brown girls. They never had a chance, not for luck or skill. They were never intended to flourish. They did anyway. Brown girls sorting pebbles from dirt, racing between pipelines, pretending to be monsters and princesses. The little one looked like a girl who shares our name. The older could have been our dear friend’s sister. They shouldn’t have trusted me. I shouldn’t have let them.

I hold their deaths as good in my mind. They were more than how they were hurt, even when they weren’t. They spent more time trembling in cages and thrashing through tournament, but still they knew how to play. So much pain in their lives. They lived to die, and the longer they lived, the worse their lives would have been.

The little one wasn’t me. I don’t know if it was us. She was alive, and then she was open and swarming with bees.

The big one, that was my fault. I didn’t kill her by my own hand, but her death was my fault. I’d hurt her before, and she avoided me after that. But she always came back, huffing and crossed arms, offering her biggest rock or showering us with blades of grass. She might not have died that day if I hadn’t fucked up.

Our perps taught us many things with those two, and it’s hard to hold true that it wasn’t my fault. Nobody should have died, the threat was engineered for their entertainment. The little one was half-accident. Snuff film, they call it. The big one they said was in my place.

So that’s how I learned it. Better than them, more fortunate than them. Of course I’ll never have it as bad as those two did.

[daddythegrabber]

Omg. Finally I continue this!!. Thank you so much @fierytteokbokki for mentioning my blog! ❤️ I’m so happy.

Pairing: Albert Shaw/The Grabber x Reader

Warning(s): swearing, dirty talk

Summary: A good party bring us people together, so it happens that the Reader and Albert meet up at one of these parties, but not an ordinary one.

The Grabber🔞

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

—————————————————————————

He was so worked up. He cannot even express how so. And Max’s words were only oil on the fire. Cause he heard Albert, as he moaned (y/n)’s name, as he came undone moaning and panting. He was fed up how he reminded him every day about it and tried to make him do the first move. Cause Max knew that Albert’s in love with you. It was one particular morning when Al sat down to the kitchen table and sipped on some coffee and ate half of his breakfast.

“Hey Al. I though that maybe we can go out sometime.” Max said and sat down in front of his brother a coffee mug in hand, that he placed down onto the table. His smiling face was quite annoying.

“And why would we do that Max? Don’t you have a dealer to meet up?” Answered Al smugly and took a bite from the breakfast.

“Oh.. no no no no.! Ido not do drugs anymore. The other hand I had my first paycheque. So I’ll treat you.”

“What do you have in mind?” Al asked non-enthusiastically.

“There’ll be a party at the town hall tonight. And it’s special, cause everybody’ll dress up, you know mask and stuff.”

“Like a Halloween party?”

“Kind of. Whatcha say? I’ll dress up as Frankenstein or Dracula I think. But as I know the Dracula look would look good on you brother.” Al rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Alright… I’ll go with you to that stupid party.” He shrugged his shoulders and took another bite from the breakfast. Max cheered loudly and drank down his coffee and bid goodbye to Al. He left for work, he’ll be home in no time. Today was Al’s day off so he barely did something after breakfast. He did not even had the mood to hunt. You changed him. But it was only the iceberg’s tip.

—————————————————————————

Reader POV:

You woke up from another steamy dream, in which Albert fucked you again and again. You wiped off the sweat from your forehead and felt that you were awfully wet.

“Ughh…” you huffed and started your day. Making breakfast and morning tea. You wanted nothing more but to have a calm and silent day, focusing only on relaxing. But (Bf/n) had another idea. As you sat down to your kitchen table, plated your breakfast and put your mug next to the plate (Bf/n) came in, not really caring that you did not even woke up fully yet and it made you jump a little in surprise.

“Wassup girl! Guess what!” She/he sat down to the table and squealed excitedly. You just looked at her/him wig expressionless face.

“What?”

“We’ll go out tonight!”

“What? Why?”

“Don’t tell me you’re want to be home all alone. Please it’ll be fun.” She/He clasped her/his hands together and look at you with pouty lips.

“Ugh… fine. Where you wanna drag me?”

“There’ll be a party. It’s like a Halloween party basically. C’mon (y/n) you like to dress up and you already has the mask, maybe Al’ll be there as well.” She/He winked and you facepalmed. You groaned and stuffed your face with breakfast.

“Alright. Not because of Al. Just because I wanna spend time with my favourite friend.”

“Atta girl. Maybe you can be a Devil. You know with a tail. Maybe some leather skirt and red corset?”

“Sound good I think. And what you’ll be?”

“I’ll be Wonder Woman I think. But I want to be an Angel as well.”

“Maybe you can be Medusa?”

“Yes girl. I love the idea. Thx. Don’t forget. I’ll get be there at 8.”

“Okay. Take care.”

“Bye girlie.” She/he pressed kisses to your cheeks and left you, to finish your breakfast which became much colder. What have you got yourself into? What if Albert’ll be there? He’ll be so angry that you wear his mask…. Well you’ll say sorry to him later…

—————————————————————————

“C’mon Al. Just get out.”

“No way that I’m wearing that Max.”

“Oh come on. You’ll look great, now open the door.” He encouraged his brother and he heard him sigh and he finally opened the door. He dressed in a suit, a red and black suit. His hair was brushed his fangs were little but still visible to the eye. He….looked goood.

(I can’t with this pic ✨✨✨🤩 I just hdjskosshbskdjdjsks. He look so GOOOOD. Please BITE ME SIR. 😫🧎‍♀️)

“How do I look?”

“You look great. I knew that Dracula mode was made for you.”

“If you say that I look old, well fuck you.”

“Of course not. You’re mysterious and I know that (y/n)‘ll like it. Oh shoot….” He clasped his hand to his mouth and panicked.

“What did you say?” Al asked and approached Max slowly, giving him „the look“.

“N…nothing you should worry about.” He said and quickly changed to another topic. Cause he did not know that he’ll actually meet with his only love. You

“C��mon spit it out Max!”

“Fine okay….. I talked with (y/n)’s friend about hooking up you two again. I’m sorry… so so sorry brother.”

“So you’re telling me that you talked with her friend? About me? And Her?”

“Y…yes.. Al please I hate to see you like this. Ya know sad.

“I’m not sad.”

“You miss (y/n). I see that so please come with me. You won’t regret that.” He looked at his brother with puppy eyes.

“Fine….” Max squealed “but you’ll buy me whatever alcohol I want.”

“Deal. Now come, let’s go. The party starts soon.”

—————————————————————————

Reader POV:

“You look hot mama. I still don’t know how you got that mask… but it makes you even hotter. I’d totally fuck you.” She/he said and you just rolled your eyes and eyed yourself in the mirror.

You wore knee length high heels, a ruby red corset of course wearing no bra underneath and a black skirt hugged your thighs, it goes down to your knees. And the mask was just made it perfect. You wore a black lacy thong nothing more underneath and it made you a little bit hot.

“C’mon I’m not that hot. And you don’t look so bad yourself. It was a good idea to dress up as an angel, like you’re my opposite.” You smiled genuinely

“Girl…. You’ll get all the attention you deserves. Cause you’re such a treasure. Anyway if you were my type I’d take a bite.

“Stop it.” You playfully slapped her/his shoulder and giggled.

“Let’s go now. It’s almost party time and I wanna get something to drink.” She /he said and you two left the house closing the door behind you too and took the house key into your pocket, thank god for pockets. As you approached the town hall the music already blasted out of the walls and some of the village people were on front the building waiting to enter it. You got in line and slowly and painfully (finally) got into the party. Some friends were commented, how good you looked. (Bf/n) grabbed your wrist and dragged you to the bar.

“Heya. What can I started for you beautiful ladies?”

“We want two shots and some whiskey.”

“Alright be right up.” Said the bartender and prepared the alcoholic beverages. You sat down on the bar chair alongside with (bf/n) and two shots were placed in front of the two of you. You both grabbed it and clicked the glasses together.

“To a really good time.”

“To a good time.” You agreed and immediately swallowed all of the shot, it burned its way down your throat, it made you shiver a little bit. Not so later your whiskey was in your hand and (bf/n) dragged you to the dance floor. The shot did it’s job and you started relax and sway your hips to the music. (It could be whatever you want darlings ❤️) it was blasting through the speaker sending vibes into your body. You liked to dance but always thought that your dancing was awkward. You did not know why but it was always on your mind when you did so. When you looked at the bar area, you though you were crazy. You stared so long that even (bf/n) recognised it and waved her/his hand in front of your eyes.

“Earth to (y/n).” She/he shouted louder than the music

“Sorry I though I saw someone.” She/He just giggled and you knew immediately that something was going on.

“Tell me.”

“What?”

“You’re hiding something.” You said to her/his ear and she/he just giggled.

“Of course not. Why would I?”

“I don’t know, cause I know you damn well.”

“Ugg…. Relax (y/n). I have nothing to hide I swear. Enjoy the party.” She/he reassured you and you got along with it. You felt sexy, and the mask gave you some confidence, maybe you’ll keep His mask after all. You did not even realised that your kidnapper were also there……. Looking straight at you. Moving your body to the beat of the music.

“Ahhh…. There she is Al.”

“That’s ridiculous. I don’t even know what I’m doing here.” Said Albert and took a sip from his beer. Max told him that he should wear a cape to be more Dracul-ish. So it hanged on his shoulders, hugging his frame perfectly.

“I know and deep in your thoughts you know too. C’mon man approach her. Maybe she’ll be happy too.”

“Ch… fine.” Al said and left his beer on the bar stool, and slowly approached you. He was afraid what you’d do. Cause you two did not separate the best way.

“For fucks sake Al, she’s wearing your mask.” He cursed under his nose and slowly and painfully approached your dancing form. Snaking his hands around your waist dancing with you. Al looked up and (bf/n) smiled at him and left the two of you alone. It was the perfect time to speak something to you, but what? She just swayed her hips, not caring who’s hugging her from behind. He buried his head into your neck and she hugged Al by his heck.

“You look ravishing Bunny.” He said into your ears and realisation hit you.

“Al?” She asked and quickly turned around to be facet of face with her love.

“In the flesh Sweetheart.” He answered and grabbed her by her waist and pressed her body to his. She boldly snaked her arms around his neck and looked up.

“I’m sorry for wearing your mask.”

“Don’t be….. especially after you sent me those naughty pictures. Do you know how may times I came just looking at those? How hard I came for you?” He was so close to your lips and you bit down on it.

“Ohh…. Really?”

“Yes… and do you know how fucking sexy you look with my mask on? When I first saw you on the dance floor I nearly came in my pants.”

“Ahh…..” You moaned as he rubbed his half hard cock to your stomach.

“Yes. Let me hear those filthy moans. I missed them so much. Missed you choking on my cock, your lips kissing me. Don’t worry Bunny. I’ll never let you go again.” He said and kissed you. Your eyes widened in shock, finally you can kiss him. (Y/n) grabbed him by his cheeks and deepened the kiss. His tongue slipped past his lips and battled with yours. It was all teeth and tongue, like you cannot live without each other. And you knew that this night will be unforgettable. For the both of you.

Hi Bunnies! I finally finished another part. I’m so happy and also sad that these two did not fuck yet. But stay tuned, cause I don’t wanna be a cockblocker. Nest part will be smut. I think 😂🤷‍♀️

Until then

Laters Gators 🐊

XOXO

[ryuatewater]

only sometimes 💔💔💔💔💔 (no the answer to that is all the times unless something specific. mostly with you though im obvious because why not)

also. what happened like who started it first and why and how did your mother react to you being in a fight because of that reason

Uhhh wait i think i had a whole samsung notes page whatever explaining it

Nvm i think its on my other phone

Basically some dude from my class came to me calling me the f slur and just in general cuesing at me bc i had a girlfriend

And fun fact about me i have anger issues and qhen i get too angry i hurt either myself or someone near to me (sometimes even objects too) ssoooo i just... kicked rhe guy in the nuts

After that i just realized what i had done like "shit" and as the guy fell to the ground i ran off to the classroom my gf was in (she ignored it)

After class that guys friends came up to me like were gonna beat you up n shit but i felt safe bc i was with my friend n stuff

And after lunch i went to the restroom stall to do my business when a bunch of girls came in like "wheres ryu i heard theyre gonna beat her up" so naturally im just in my stall staying silent, i donr come out bc theyre literally right outside why would i am i stupid?

THEN a girl noticed it was me in the stall i think so some girls older than me came they were talking stuff outside the stall with a tone n i couldnt understand bc i was crying my eyes out and my mind was racing

The boys sister (who at the time was a 5th grader) started kicking the door and since i was holding the door shut with my body, i felt the kick too, at this point i was screaming crying just like really upset and scared

I think some girls heard abt it and told the principal? Cuz the principal (also a girl) came into the restroom like "everybody out" and she held my hand, walking me to her office where she told me i could walk home

When i got home my mom noticed i was shaking and she was like "what happened?!" I told her everythin and she was FURIOUS

I was already a "special" kid who got bullied so when she heard that they actually tried to hurt me she was understandably mad

She stormed to the police station kinda mad

We went, i told them everything and uuuhh we didnt get in any trouble, the boy didnt get in trouble i mean they literally did not mind anything the boy or his friends did but they just mentioned that id be the one in trouble bc i kicked the boy

They said i was lucky they didnt press charges or whatever

So yeah the law systems fucked, kill everyone, burn shit, do arson <333

BTW I GOT IN MORE TROUBLE FOR KISSING MY GF THAN LITERALLY KICKING A KID IN THE NUTS 😀

[opossumanon]

Here's why you shouldn't meet your heroes. Or just people who seem cool, cuz this douchebag I'm about to vent to yall about wasn't even my hero he just seemed like a cool person to talk to and then proved to be an asshole.

So a couple weeks ago I was at this conference being hosted at a good university, and it was a journalism and media thing where teens from all over the US and its territories come and learn about the field of journalism and practice and meet other journalists. It also yapped on and on about diversity and inclusion, but was actually fucking terrible about inclusion, but that's a whole other can of worms cuz today I just wanna vent about one specific bad moment.

So nearing the end of the conference was an event where we'd split up and be lectured by different journalists or professors of our choosing, and then there would be a "mixer" where we got snacks and then had the opportunity to chat with the speakers that we didn't get to see. I wanted to go with this one guy that I'm calling Guy, but all the tickets for his thing ran out so I went to another guy who had a REALLY good presentation but was also a classist dick (again, another can of worms). During the mixer, I struggled to get the opportunity to talk to Guy cuz I was so nervous and wasn't sure how to ask my questions without being boring or weird. Eventually my friends at the conference bullied me into doing it and so I waited in line to speak to him, watching as he was all energetic and charming and nice to a normal-looking girl talking to him and watched as he gave her his card. This detail is important.

Eventually the girl left and it was my turn to talk to Guy, and I explained how I couldn't see him speak even though I wanted to and I asked about what he was talking about, and he gave this really paraphrased answer that felt kinda bland? Like he threw in a very short summary of a story he told but it still felt rushed and like he was detached while telling it. It ended with me realizing that he probably wouldn't spill any tea to me personally so I went "Hey do you have anything else that I could look at to get more information?? A website, video, etc??? Or could I just get your card?" and he deadass said (I'm paraphrasing here)

"No, I don't think that'd help you."

Like wtf???????

(For anybody confused as to why I'm upset: In any sort of professional setting where a person has a card, asking for it is the most basic polite thing you can do to the point where people don't even have to ask cuz the other person will just go "Hey you want my card" and hand it over. Guy refusing to give me his card, when I knew for certain that he had one, was the professional equivalent of me reaching out to give him a handshake and him recoiling in disgust. I'm pretty sure he did this as blatantly as he did because he assumed that I'd be clueless about this sort of thing like most of my peers were.)

Looking back I can't find a single thing I did wrong. I waited in line patiently, introduced myself and shook his hand, made eye contact, etc etc. I wasn't even chatting with him for longer than 2 minutes before I gave up and went "I should go now cuz the guy behind me wants to talk to you too, have a good night" and left so it wasn't like I had him trapped talking with me for an hour. By the time I went back to my dorm, I was genuinely on the verge of tears and I felt useless and like I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything...Yknow, at the conference where they've been going on and on and on about how we're all special and are on track to be good journalists and stuff like that.

After 10 minutes of being blinded by tears and sniffling to my heart's content I switched to being angry and decided that I wanted to start a podcast starring weird people, being about weird people, and having an audience of weird people. I still wanna do this because the power of spite is absolutely a thing, but there's also a part of me that wants to back away from anything journalism/media related at all because I feel so fucking crushed from how Guy treated me. A lot of the self confidence that I spent YEARS trying to build back up from nothing was basically knocked over thanks to him.

I don't have much of a lesson to teach, I'm just still upset about this weeks later and I needed to get it out is all, but what this event taught me specifically was

I'll never be seen as normal or taken seriously, no matter how good my neurotypical cis white guy cosplay is

Professors of massive universities are pieces of shit and I'm probably gonna avoid going to them for advice in the future

Higher education is a good thing that all people should have access to if they wish, but also the people you find in higher education settings tend to be classist/elitist pricks who look down on people who don't walk, talk, act, or look like the "typical intellectual" (White person who's obviously upper middle class or higher who's neurotypical and cishet and able-bodied) and therefore making higher education available for everyone is and will continue to be a useless fucking endeavor until we flush out the intense biases against people who don't fit the "typical intellectual" within the system.

[calicohyde]

Happy STS! What is the best novel you've ever read? What did you like about it, from a storytelling perspective? Has it influenced or informed your own approach?

*instantly forgets every book i've ever read in my life*

in the name of. having an answer. i will pick The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. i don't remember it well enough after so long after having read it (and i've only read it the once) to pick out specific storytelling mechanics, but i do remember being impressed and thinking it was very well done in addition to having a lot of important things to say and being engaging and entertaining. i also remember i had borrowed it, and then texted the friend i'd borrowed it from to ask if he had the next book and if i could come pick it up right then. at 3AM.

one particular thing about the TGWTDT original trilogy (the only ones i personally count as "canon" lol) that really stuck out to me as unique and special to me personally and that i've wanted to see more of since - and am planning to be the change i want to see wrt - are its quote unquote "unlikeable" protagonists.

lisbeth is autistic and point blank refuses to mask, and in addition she's acerbic and angry and tends to reach violence as a much sooner resort than many, she's not exactly arrogant but she would never even dream of not taking credit and representing her skills accurately or god forbid using upspeak, she simply does not follow rules (or conventions or etiquette) she thinks are stupid and she's vocal and unapologetic about it, she's an actual genuine punk and fucks severely and without romance (until mikael), and as far as i remember she never once says sorry to anyone for anything no matter what. i love her with every fiber of my being.

mikael is a workaholic which is not unique, except that everyone hates his guts for being so single-minded and rigid and unavailable, which is, and which i really liked. of course people would not find him fun to be around. he also is arrogant, and a hypocrite, and can be unkind. and these two are the best good guys we've got! (this is also why i discount the opinion of anyone who claims mikael is a "romanticized" self-insert on larsson's part like bruhhh.... just cuz they have the same job? this bitch is not a romanticized version of anyone or anything he's a fucking rat bastard who happens to also be a good man smdh. i mean maybe he is a self-insert but not a fucking romanticized one! he sucks! i'm passionate about this.)

i also really liked the age range of the characters and the polyamory and the queers. additionally, larsson has a really unique and fascinating writing style (which critics have attributed to his writing career starting in investigative journalism before he ever did creative writing or fiction). i think it fits absolutely perfectly with the protagonists and the subject matter, and the way those things match up and meld together makes the series so much more absorbing.

but yeah i always liked a writing style and a narrative voice that was fitted to the characters/content, and i think larsson did it particularly well - even if it's a sort of chicken or egg situation with him. we'll never know since he died of those Natural Causes before he could write anything else and all. anyway! i would have done this regardless, because literally all of my favorite authors do it to some degree, which is why they are my favorite authors. (much of what people say are benefits you can "only" get from first person narration i feel you can get just as well from a limited third person, if you uh. try.) but yeah TGWTDT is a stand-out example!

i also can't necessarily give TGWTDT/larsson credit for my life long love affair with angry and contrarian good guys, but again it's a stand-out example and an aspiration in this.

thank you for the ask, nico!! <3

[gaywatercolors]

okey so to everyone asking here comes the full bf drama in poll form so you can give me your opinions, comments explaining further are very appreciated cause i'm a mess rn and can't think straight

i was dating this guy since october, we weren't exclusive yet but neither of us is talking or seeing anyone else, we were pretty serious, spent time with each others families, travelled together and such. We were thinking about making it more official now.

NOW valentine's day, he asked me to spend it with him like 2 weeks in advance, we made plans and it was a date. Night before we both have the stomach flu so we agree to see each other in a chill way but not going out anywhere. Valentine's day we both woke up feeling awful and things weren't getting better along the day so we agreed to pospone it for another day cause truly neither of us could leave our houses, we were sad we couldnt see each other but it is what it is. The issue is he texted me about 6 pm that he felt better so he went to the park with some girl friend???? he didn't even consider coming to see me as i still felt awful. And to make things worst on New years happened the exact same thing, we had plans to see each other that night since before christmas, and he texted me at 6 pm on december 31 saying this same girl was feeling kinda down so he was going out with her instead.

Now he doesn't understand how both events are the exact same thing, him prioritizing this girl over me on special dates, and he gets angry at me for bringing it up.

We spent all day discussing what happened, why it hurted me so much and his point of view, and we didn't really come up with any solutions so he went to work and then back to my house to discuss it further. The whole night he avoided the subject, we had an amazing evening, had fun together, fucked, laugh, kiss and cuddle a lot, but when it was getting late i brought it up again because for me it wasn't just case closed and nothing happened. Then he got angry at me and left immediatly, and proceeded to insult me through voice notes, gaslighting me and not even listening what i had to say.

SO i just asked for a bit of time to get my mind straight and think if this is something i can forgive and we can move on from it or if it's a dealbreaker for me, we were both tired it was 4 am here and we weren't coming to any agreement so we decided to just talk about it further another day, because as we had a nice night he expected to be all forgive and forget, and i just couldn't do that.

so i don't fucking know what to do, i'm a pretty romantic person, so this kind of dates mean a lot to me, but he says for him it's just a regular day and i should think about how much he cares about me everyday and not be fixed on stupid dates.

[uenodivision]

— Party of Words HQ, Prime Minister's Office —

"...So let me see if I understand this correctly. You were given ample resources, as well as a large number of troops to take five women into custody. But not only did you manage not to apprehend the suspects, but you and all of your troops were defeated, as well?"

"Y-yes, Prime Minister."

"...And could you care to explain how this unfortunate outcome came about?"

"W-we don't know for sure, ma'am! We had them all completely surrounded, but..."

"...But?"

"I-I have no excuse, ma'am! The power of their Hypnosis Microphones was too powerful for us to resist! W-we tried to overpower them with numbers, but even still, that proved ineffective. Some of the men were gravely injured, and..."

"Enough. You are dismissed."

"Y-yes, ma'am!"

*Sighs* "Those girls are proving more annoying than I originally thought..."

...

...

...

Two hours earlier...

— Near Outskirts, Ueno Division —

Aranai: ...Wow, all these guys just for us? Aren't we special?

Sumire: Just goes to show how high we all are on Chuohku's 'Shit List.'

Aranai: *Smirks* Or if not Chuohku's, then the Head Bitch's.

Kanra: *Looks at her* Aren't those both the same?

Kaoru: *Shakes her head 'no'* Not really. See, when I hacked into Otome's computer, I did that to intentionally screw with her, not the government.

Aranai: You still have to show us how you did that!

Kaoru: *Smirks* Meh, it wasn't too difficult. For all her blunder, the Prime Minister has some pretty shitty security.

Sumire: *Scoffs* Oh, please. I could have done that a long time ago.

Kaoru: Then how come you didn't?

Sumire: Cause I had more important things to do.

Kaoru: Uh-uh, sure.

Sumire: *Scowls* Are you challenging me?

Kaoru: *Smirks* Give me a time and a place, and I'll outdo you anywhere. Online or not.

Kureha: ...Hey, not to interrupt this riveting conversation, but could we turn our attention to more important matters?

Aranai: *Looks at her, cocking an eyebrow* Like what?

[Without answering, the quiet goth simply pointed in front of her, causing the rest of the women to look at what she was pointing. In front of the five women were a large number of Chuohku officials, all prime and ready to attack. The girls simply looked at the group for a few seconds before looking back at Kureha. After a second passed, the goth girl's face fell as her friends just went back to their conversation like nothing had happened.]

Kureha: *Groans, covering her face* Why me?

Aranai: Relax, WGG. We're just messing around. *Pulls out her HypMic with a smirk* Alright girls, you all ready?

Sumire: As I'll ever be.

Kaoru: Yup.

Kanra: Ready!

Kureha: *Silently gives a thumbs-up*

Aranai: Alright then, let's go!

Bring the Beat!

[Aranai:]

What's up, everybody?!

We are the Yozakura

[Kanra & Sumire:]

Let's burn it all! (License to kill)

["New" Yozakura:]

Burn it up Burn it up!!

FIRE!! (Hot Hot Hot!!)

Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

YOU ARE FINISHED!!

Feel the impact! (RATATATA...)

Yozakura's killing, burning you!

Everybody in Chuohku, y'all is pooo!!

FIRE!! Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

[Kureha:]

You can run, but you won't escape my eyes

I'm a beast holding onto my mic

Mess with Yozakura? Better get out the way

I'm not responsible for what happens now

[Kanra:]

An angry Kanra is something one should never see

No matter where I go, trouble always finds me

A fair warning is all you'll get if come and start to bother me

After that, don't blame me for going into a frenzy!

An experimental beast that was stuck, I've gone awry

In the end, you'll try to paint me as the 'bad guy'

But that doesn't matter cause I feel no shame

I'm with the Yozakura, and we have staked our claim!

[Sumire:]

(WOO HA!) Attention, please!

I'm above all of you, so listen when I speak!

(WOO HA!) You tryin' start some shit?

I can't help but laugh, you fools don't have even a bit of sense!

I refuse to compromise, you bitches all suck!

Wallow in muck (YOU SORRY FUCKS!)

'Who's this second-rate gang that actually got this far?'

Yozakura, motherfuckers, is who we are!

["New" Yozakura:]

FIRE!! (Hot Hot Hot!!)

Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

YOU ARE FINISHED!!

Feel the impact! (RATATATA...)

Yozakura's killing, burning you!

Everybody in Chuohku, y'all is pooo!!

FIRE!! Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

[Kureha:]

You can run, but you won't escape my eyes

I'm a beast holding onto my mic

Mess with Yozakura? Better get out the way

I'm not responsible for what happens now

[Kaoru:]

Apparently, you fools didn't get the message the first time around

We are one gang that you definitely do not want to hound

Brains, charisma, technique, and strength all combined

In simpler terms, I'll say this: don't waste your time!

Chuohku honestly thinks that they have the advantage

Unaware that all along, I've secretly planned this

You think to defeat us? Yeah right, in your dreams!

Yozakura's No. 1, we're the Underground Queens!

[Aranai:]

Not much else to say, my girls have summed it all up

I'll say this to all our enemies: you're fucking time is up!

Outnumbered we may be, but we won't back down

Especially not to a bunch of fucking government clowns!

Spreading our influence, no matter where we go

The more minds we meet, the more that our following grows

It's not hard to comprehend, we're taking the world by storm

And soon, very soon, Yozakura will be the norm!

["New" Yozakura:]

FIRE!! (Hot Hot Hot!!)

Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

YOU ARE FINISHED!!

Feel the impact! (RATATATA...)

Yozakura's killing, burning you!

Everybody in Chuohku, y'all is pooo!!

FIRE!! Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

FIRE!! (Hot Hot Hot!!)

Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

YOU ARE FINISHED!!

Feel the impact! (RATATATA...)

Yozakura's killing, burning you!

Everybody in Chuohku, y'all is pooo!!

FIRE!! Burn it all! (Achi-chi achi-chi aahh!!)

[Kureha:]

You can run, but you won't escape my eyes

I'm a beast holding onto my mic

Mess with Yozakura? Better get out the way

I'm not responsible for what happens now

[aroaceamyrosearchive]

tell me about the headcanons u have for ur favorite sonic characters pls !!! (if u want)

okay okay i finally have the brain to answer another headcanon post. so!

-knuckles loves and protects the chao on angel island with his LIFE. he named every single one of them even though there are a LOT and he remembers all their favorite fruits and stuff and he just. cares them sm 💚

-kinda stole this one from @maltdown but it stuck in my head so: amy has sooo many hobbies and she always wants to learn new types of arts and crafts and new instruments and stuff but there isnt NEARLY enough time in the day to do all she wants to do. she does get overwhelmed by this btw. (she just like me fr-)

-amy always shows a good face around people and doesn't like showing her faults but oh my god. the executive dysfuncction on this girl. also she's bipolar so she can sometimes just. shut down for a week. or go manic and end up overwhelming herself, or spending too much time doing something she shouldn't be doing, or spending way too much money. she'll only show this side to sonic or knuckles because she knows she can trust them to help her keep the image she wants to keep around others.

-she made friendship bracelets for everyone btw. she enjoys making bracelets so much that this isnt something she keeps special for just her best friends. she makes bracelets for anyone she thinks had an effect of some sort on her in life and she makes matching ones for herself. she ends up with basically a whole sleeve of bracelets, each one different to remind her of the person it represents. she doesnt always wear them but she makes sure to on special occasions

-sonic once tried on shadow's shoes and he HATED it. whats the point if you cant feel the ground underneath your feet. whats the point if you dont constantly move your legs really fast. sonic doesn't want to GLIDE he wants to RUN

-sonic is faster than shadow btw. if you even care

-back to amy's bracelets. she gave one to eggman btw. it has a bead with an angry emoji on it

-amy loooves playing animal crossing. she invites all her friends to her island. sonic doesn't play the game nornally so she had him make a character on her switch and build a house on her island. she likes to leave him gifts even tho he's probs not gonna play again any time soon

-sonic loves reading and fantasy action is his favorite. he loves all the ways that people can create worlds and interpret worlds to their own needs and stories

-sonic's favorite flowers are dandelions (i am NOT projecting) because they're strong and they carry with the wind...

-amy will purposefully leave many dandelions to grow in her garden for him even though she likes to have a variety of different flowers there

-i am so normal about the fact that amy cares about sonic so much okay. yes she may be aroace but he means so much to her. i will sob

-amy's favorite colors are pink and red because of their associations with love, but she's also big on yellow and green

-sonic is really into how to train your dragon. he got tails into it to. something about being different and finding a friend thats different, yknow

-sonic and amy are so genderqueer okay. sonic got top surgery, amy's on puberty blockers, and they are best friends. they mean so much to me

-amy wasn't super into pokemon before but tails showed her tinkaton. she started a party just full of them and called her her little minions. shes hungry for power (but also she loves every single one of them with all her heart)

-amy's favorite drink is raspberry tea!!!!!!!!!! raspberries are her favorite fruit in general

-sonic's more of an orange guy. he will chug orange juice WITH pulp and you CANT STOP HIM

-tails isnt big on fruit tho

-knuckles LOVES fruit except for grapefruit. fuck grapefruit

-tails is an avid tooth brusher. he will brush his teeth THREE times a day. he also makes sure sonic brushes at least twice

-sure sonic is the older one and he raised tails but sonic isnt the best at taking care of himself. they both kinda force each other to do self care stuff all the time