#flipped the mirror pic so y’all could read it lol

[asteroidaffection]

Psst! can we get a ootd?? <3

home for the thanksgiving holiday mood

[daesungindistress]

Carnivores - Additional Notes & Thoughts

Alright, I said I’ve been wanting to write a blog post expanding on a few things in the Carnivores series (with a heavy focus on Dream Likes Ashes Float Away), so here it is! Most of this is stuff I’ve waited to get off my chest since DLAFA.

Warning: SPOILERS for the entire series. Also it’s long (of course it is), so it’s under the “keep reading” below. Also cross-posted at AFF.

FYI: DLAFA = Dreams Like Ashes Float Away, BLTS = Bright Like the Sun

1.) Some of you might be wondering, when the heck does this fic series take place, anyway? Well, here’s your answer: I don’t know! It’s not meant to be a modern-day setting, I can tell you that much. I imagine it taking place somewhere in the early 1800’s, perhaps. It could even be a modern setting and they are just that isolated.

Look, all I know is the guys have zero exposure to modern machinery like cars, trains, planes, etc. They’ve never encountered electricity (outside of bolts of lightning during thunderstorms, lol). So certainly no electronics like phones or computers or TVs. In the city in DLAFA a man takes them to their new home in a cart pulled by a horse, and I took care to make no mention of things like running water or even in-home appliances. Nothin’. That’s not to say that they didn’t have something to work with, I just didn’t feel like doing the research to figure out exactly what...

2.) The details of the land they lived on aren’t actually super important, so you’re free to imagine the landscape in whatever way comes easiest to you. But if anyone is curious, it’s based on the Texas Hill Country (south-central Texas, United States).

3.) The beginnings of Carnivores can be seen in this entry at Tumblr from March 2016. Ultimately, it was all inspired by a single black & white photo from the MADE series collection, the one that I used as the title pic for Carnivores.

It’s funny, in the tags at the bottom of that post I said, “I wish I could write fanfic. I want to.”

4.) As I was writing Carnivores I sort of jokingly called it "watered down werewolves" since, contrary to what you would expect from werewolf fic, the guys don't actually have the ability to transform fully into wolves. Their ability to morph at all is severely restricted, limited to just teeth and claws. Meanwhile, their one other physical feature that identifies them as not-quite-human-- the wolf tail-- is always with them, unable to be hidden away (more on that later). Some of you might have wondered why I opted to take away this transformation ability. Especially considering that I LOVE that aspect of werewolf lore-- the idea of people taking on the physical form of animals. Shapeshifting, if you will. That was the "superpower" I always wanted as a kid; the ability to become whatever animal I desired for however long I wanted. Because animals are so much cooler than humans, duh (says my inner 8-year-old self).

Well, as it so happens... the primary reason I took away their "wolf form" is because I didn't want to risk venturing anywhere near the idea of animal-on-animal sex. "But you could have just avoided writing about that," you might be thinking. And yes, you'd be right, but even displays of affection from one wolf to another I just did not even want to touch. Not even cute, innocent things like wolf!Seunghyun licking all over wolf!Daesung's face in excitement, etc etc. I just thought that if I was not meticulously careful about it, the potential to squick readers beyond repair was far too high.

Because let's face it, Seunghyun in this series is going to give Daesung some lovin’ no matter what "form" he's in (same goes for Daesung regarding his attraction to Seunghyun), and given the, hmm... intensity of his devotion... I'm not confident I would have been able to steer completely, 100% clear of all types of physical intimacy between them while they were in the shape of... well, wolves. Look, when it comes to fanfic (especially this series) I'm not one to pull my punches, sugarcoat things, tone it down, etc... but even I have to draw the line somewhere!

That said, I almost didn't even give them tails. Thought it seemed a little silly, maybe a tad gimmicky. I wrestled with that one for a long time, and in the end said, "Oh, whatever," and went with it. And I'm glad I did, because the presence of their tails became something of an important plot point later on in DLAFA.

5.) Y’all might not realize how much of what happens in this series is based on or influenced by events that took place IRL, considering that it is an alternate universe. It began as a series of observations on Tumblr, various posts of mine that accumulated over time as things relating to Daesung or ToDae came up. Here are some examples below:

Hair pulling in Carnivores? That’s from the video clip of TOP pulling on Daesung’s hair until he made a pained face during the MADE tour in Japan. (1, 2, 3)

Seunghyun putting his head down and chasing Daesung around like a bull (or like a buck using his antlers to herd a doe) in BLTS? Also from a video clip from MADE tour in Japan. TOP chased Daesung around the stage like that.

Daesung’s fear of dogs and water? Based on his comments in the MADE the Movie pamphlet.

Seunghyun saying to Daesung in New Heights, “If I wanted to kill you, I could have done it so many times by now.” This comes from TOP telling Daesung at the MADE: The Movie premier, “You know I could kill you if I wanted to.” (1, 2)

Discussions of Seungri possibly leaving the pack to form his own in DLAFA? That’s based on a debate I was having with some disgruntled Seungri fans on Tumblr, fans who were upset about Seungris’ alleged mistreatment by the rest of BB and wanted him to leave the group to go somewhere he might be better appreciated. It was around that time that I wrote that bit into the fic.

Seungri’s role as the pack omega? This one should be obvious. Replace “omega” with “maknae” and there you go.

I’m sure there’s more that I just can’t remember off the top of my head anymore. Anyway, none of this should come as a surprise. It’s fanfiction, of course it’s based on what the guys do IRL…

6.) There were a lot of idiomatic expressions I couldn’t use while writing this series. It felt at times like my language options were very limited. Was an interesting challenge, for sure, but not always one I enjoyed. For example, I could never say anything that related to electronics or machinery. There was a time I wanted to describe Daesung’s body as operating on autopilot, until I suddenly realized that word wouldn’t make any sense to him in the context of his world. Keep in mind the story was always told from the perspectives of Seunghyun and Daesung, never an omniscient narrator.

So, autopilot? No way, not in their world. Cars, planes, trains… none of that existed at that time. Or if it did, the guys of BB as they appeared here didn’t know about it. That also meant I couldn’t say things like “train of thought” or “thoughts derailing”. Nothing about lightbulbs going off over one’s head, and certainly never anything “like a switch has been flipped.” I think there was even a time in Carnivores when they were weak and starving and I wanted to describe them as "running on empty"... but that's a reference to cars and fuel! It was challenging, y’all!

What I did instead was try to use a lot of nature metaphors, imagery relating to the natural world, things they would know well. I know I could have done more, especially in BLTS given that they were living fully out in the thick of it at the time... but by the end of it, trying to keep up with what imagery I had already used was honestly just starting to make me feel wiped out.

7.) Some lines that appeared in DLAFA were mirrored versions of lines from Carnivores. For example:

In DLAFA Daesung said, “Does it matter who it came from when it costs us nothing? It's good meat, and it was free.” You might have wondered why, exactly, Seunghyun was so upset that he walked out. It’s because Daesung was, without realizing it, throwing Seunghyun’s words back at him. In Carnivores Seunghyun said, as he was begging Daesung to eat, “Does it matter where the meat came from when you're dying? It’s good meat.”

Oh jeez, I just realized that all this time I thought I had written something into Carnivores but I never did… In DLAFA Seunghyun says to Daesung, “How can I help you if you won’t let me know that you’re hurting?” I thought that was mirroring a line in Carnivores where he said, “How can I provide for you when you won’t let me know that you’re hungry?” But I’ve just looked and apparently I never wrote that. Darn! Even after the fic is finished I’m still adding lines to it, even if only in my head...

8.) I feel like there are not too many good quotable lines of dialogue in this series. The best lines are not in the dialogue but in the narrative, which reflects their thoughts. The reason for this is I have always intended for them to be, hmm... simpler creatures. Their thoughts are deeper than their words. That’s partly because of what they are (part human, part animal, living very simple lives) but it’s also because I feel like that’s what’s real (especially when it comes to guys, haha). You know, we don’t always speak as eloquently as we’d like when we don’t have the time to perfectly compose our thoughts. Flowery speech is nice to read and all, but I didn’t think it would be quite right for the guys, especially as they appear here.

9.) Tags & warnings. This applies more to AO3 since AFF’s tagging system is so limited. I try to tag my fics as thoroughly as I can without getting excessive. However, there were a few important warnings I chose not to use, much as I hated to do that, because I couldn’t bear to ruin the surprise of it. In Carnivores it was cannibalism. In DLAFA it was forced sex with an animal. Honestly, I didn't want to warn for rape in Carnivores either, but I will always warn / tag accordingly for rape.

10.) DLAFA is meant to highlight the contrast between Seunghyun’s and Daesung’s personalities and unique approaches to life more than ever before. They both enter the same environment but adapt to it in vastly different ways. Daesung embraces their new lifestyle, not because he loves it but because he feels like it’s what he needs to do, and loses sight of himself along the way. Seunghyun rejects it, and though his inability to fit in keeps him feeling extremely unhappy, he refuses to give up his identity for the sake of anyone else. Both of them think they are doing the right thing. And in the process they slowly grow apart.

11.) The DLAFA soundtrack. I know most of you probably haven’t listened to the soundtrack, and that’s okay! Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have either, lol. But I would still like to talk about parts of it because, in my mind, it’s actually an important accompaniment to the fic. And up ‘til now all I’ve done is list the songs out and explain whose perspective they’re from. I’d like to take a few moments to do a little more than that.

Shadows, Feed the Machine, Faceless, Let It Burn These do not correspond to any particular scene. They’re kind of general songs that describe the guys’ mindsets as they’re developing throughout the first 4 chapters of the fic.

Take It All Away This is connected to Daesung’s rape scene toward the end of Chapter 5. It starts out slow and very subdued. In its initial stages I imagine him addressing Seunghyun, singing quietly about his internal struggles, saying, “you watched me while I slowly disappeared” and pleading with him to “take it all away.” But then he sings, very softly,

I’m breaking, I can’t do this on my own

Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?

After that is when he is attacked on the streets. He does “scream out,” but he is silenced before anyone who might help him can hear. And he realizes at that point that this time he is on his own. Unlike in Carnivores, the others won’t be running to his aid; this time he’ll have to save himself. From that point the music plays-- no vocals, just music that builds and swells, becoming bigger and bolder and more painful the longer it goes on.

This is… this is as it’s happening. This is as they are taking from him-- his dignity, his stability, his sense of self, his hope for an untroubled life in this new world he and his packmates have entered. By the end of it the singer is crying out, his voice growing in strength and pain the more he says it, “You take away, you take away, you take away.” By that point I don’t see Daesung speaking to Seunghyun; I see him speaking instead to his attackers after they’ve left him, shifting focus. There is a line in the fic that reflects this. It’s as they are about to take his tail:

They have taken too much from him already. They will not take this from him too.

Lie To Me This is Seunghyun all throughout Chapter 6 after Daesung has been hurt but refuses to share with him what happened and pulls away sharply. This one’s pretty good. Lines like, “All your secrets crawled inside, you keep them safe, you let them hide.” And “Lie to me, watch me bleed, but I’ll still be here when you see you’re not alone. You don’t have to run.” Because even through it all, though it hurts Seunghyun that Daesung doesn’t trust him with the truth of whatever it is that happened to him, he tries to be there for him for as long as he can stand it…

Nothing And Everything This one is important. This song is the moment Daesung finally breaks at the end of Chapter 6, and his suicide attempt that follows. The suffering throughout is subtle (unlike Take It All Away which gets very harsh at the end), and even eerie in places... it sounds not quite right. It's also as beautiful to hear as it is painful. Let me break it down:

00:00-02:32 Daesung struggling to cope through Chapter 6

Still the same, pursuing pain isn’t worth the lie I’ve gained

We both know how it will end… but I do it again

And it finds me, the fight inside is coursing through my veins

And it’s raging, the fight inside is hurting me again

02:33-03:08 The moment when he realizes Seunghyun has been unfaithful and feels like that’s it-- he’s finally lost the last thing he had left. His everything. That high-pitched squealing sound in the background? That’s something vital in him crying out one final time.

03:09-03:30 This is when he’s walking the city streets at night, on his way to the river. It’s beautiful-- just like the night sky above him-- but he’s blind to it and everything else around him.

03:31-03:50 Standing on the shore, reflecting.

The war within me pulls me under

Without you, the fight inside is breaking me again

03:51- end Daesung entering the water. It’s everything, it’s everything, oh…

Hymn For The Missing This is Seunghyun standing on the river bank as he holds Daesung’s coat and wonders what, exactly, went so wrong. He thinks, Daesung survived, Daesung is alive, but after everything, if he was so far gone as to do something like this, has he really come back to him? Will he ever be the same? Seunghyun wonders, has he lost him forever?

Where are you now? Are you lost? Will I find you again?

Are you alone? Are you afraid? Are you searching for me?

Why did you go? I had to stay. Now I'm reaching for you.

Will you wait? Will you wait? Will I see you again?

Pieces, Hold Me Now, Yours Again are all part of Daesung’s path to recovery.

The Outside This is while Seunghyun is tearing into Daesung’s attackers toward the end of the fic, taking revenge in Daesung’s stead. However, the song is sung from Daesung’s perspective.

I'm not you.

I'm not you.

I will never be you.

Best Is Yet To Come This one is really good, y’all. It’s exactly what its title implies. This is as the five of them are leaving the city at last, once again in search of a better home for themselves. It’s so hopeful yet bittersweet, as they call on memories of all they left behind.

After all that we’ve been through, after all we left in pieces

I still believe our lives have just begun

And now the past can be outrun, and I know you are the reason

I still believe the best is yet to come

Who We Are An empowering song that I imagine would play in the credits if this fic was a movie (lol)

We can be who we are, now we are alive

We can fight, they cannot contain us

Won’t hide our faces from the light, eliminate the space between us

It’s who we are, we are forever

12.) Daesung’s suicide attempt… Look, normally I would not go anywhere near attempted suicide in fanfic, if only because I think it can be a tricky thing to portray believably. Or maybe that’s just me being overly critical. The last thing I wanted was for it to feel like it came at the readers out of nowhere. I only hope that I provided enough buildup in the chapters leading up to it-- tens of thousands of words showing how Daesung was slowly breaking down, all of which accelerated very quickly after his rape-- that it didn’t feel carelessly handled.

For the record, I also normally am not fond of that trope where a character loses their significant other for some reason or another and, deciding that they literally cannot live without, decides to end it all. But you have to understand that Daesung was already in a very fragile state of mind. Also, within the context of this AU, for Seunghyun and Daesung, given how much of their identities are found in each other… I didn’t think it would be too far-fetched that this would be the final blow for Daesung, who had already withstood so much. Their lives are not our lives. Their existence is far simpler and I would argue that they have considerably less to live for than we do. (I decided to explore this a bit in BLTS, their life-and-death attachment to each other.)

13.) In the 2015 criminal case of People v. Turner, the young woman who was sexually assaulted wrote a detailed letter to the judge about her experience, which was made public, and I took a peek at it. In it she said, after she had been given back her things and was showering at the hospital, "I wanted to take off my body like a jacket and leave it there at the hospital with everything else." While I'm still not sure I feel 100% okay about it, I drew inspiration from her account. I changed her words to 1) avoid plagiarizing her and 2) reflect the world of nature that Daesung knows so intimately and finds himself suddenly yearning for again. What I ended up with was, "He wants to shed his body like a snake sheds its skin and leave it there in the river." This is, of course, also foreshadowing, as he does return to the river later.

14.) Some of you might have wondered why Seungri didn’t suffer quite as Daesung did in DLAFA, given that he also was, to an extent, enjoying his time among humans and putting himself out there in a risky way (enough that he had his own little fanclub, lol). Shouldn’t he have been just as open to attack as Daesung?

Well, the way they presented themselves as individuals to the townsfolk in DLAFA was based on how I see them portrayed in their solo work (away from the group/pack, if you will). Seungri’s solo image is a bit strong (Strong Baby, anyone?), a bit aggressive– a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to pursue it. In DLAFA, any time he was persecuted, he fought back and made sure that anyone who bothered him knew it was in their best interest to leave him alone.

On the other hand, with a few notable exceptions like Look at me Gwisoon (not meant to be taken seriously at all…) and perhaps Shut Up (not as strong as it initially sounds), Daesung’s solo image is practically harmless. It’s soft and sweet and sincere. It’s even vulnerable at times (hence why the whole "Yabai Kang" thing cracks me up). “Don’t let them lose their fear of you,” Seunghyun warned him. But that’s exactly what Daesung did. He thought he could get through to the people who picked on him through kindness alone. I don't mean to say that what happened to him was in any way his fault, only that it made him an “easier” target for hate than, say, Seungri.

At one point Daesung mused to himself that Seungri would break if he were to be assaulted in the same way. Seungri wouldn't be able to handle it, he thought. Keep in mind that those were simply Daesung's troubled thoughts, not necessarily truth. Just because he was thinking it didn't mean it was fact, especially not at that point in the story. Daesung was only trying to justify what had happened to him-- was desperately searching for that silver lining. He was attempting to make himself feel better by essentially telling himself, "It's better that it happened to me instead of him." In this way he also sought to convince himself that he was handling it just fine-- "bending" under the pressure instead of breaking-- when in fact, he really wasn't.

15.) In DLAFA, when Seunghyun went after Daesung’s attackers a part of me wanted Daesung to go with him. I wrestled with that part for awhile. I envisioned Seunghyun encouraging Daesung to-- what, give in to violence? Take his revenge for himself?

Think of it like the feeding scene in Carnivores, wherein Seunghyun took Daesung by the head and pushed his face into the animal’s carcass, practically forcing him to eat. And then there was that one force-feeding scene. Seunghyun forced a lot on Daesung in Carnivores, all in the interest of keeping him alive. Here I saw Seunghyun taking Daesung by the hand and pushing it inside the man’s ruined body, forcing him to feel just how weak and powerless he’d become. E.g., “He can’t hurt you anymore.” Seunghyun would think that a necessary part of the healing process. He would believe it’s the best thing for Daesung in that moment.

But that has never been Daesung’s character. That might be what Seunghyun would need were he in his place; it wasn’t what Daesung needed. I honestly felt like him reaching down, reaching in and wringing the life from that man, though he had wounded and scarred him badly, would do nothing but hurt him in the end. It’s just who Daesung is-- werewolf or not. Too kind, too gentle to take pleasure in that. Inflicting pain for any reason other than self-defense (or to hunt and feed himself, of course) would not bring him healing, only more pain. And in the end I decided Seunghyun would acknowledge that by not forcing him to join him. Daesung had been forced into enough by that point.

(Someone pointed out that Seunghyun on the floor, tearing out the man’s innards, with Jiyong standing by watching, seemed like a nod to the Zutter M/V. That was pure coincidence-- or subconscious influence! I had only seen the Zutter vid once, long ago, and had completely forgotten about that part.)

16.) In each long fic in the series (Carnivores, DLAFA, BLTS) the words “I love you” are spoken only once. This stems partly from my own aversion to the phrase; I just feel like it’s overused and there are better ways to show one’s love than speaking the words all the time, especially for these two. In Carnivores and DLAFA it’s Seunghyun who says it to Daesung. In BLTS it’s Daesung who says it (although it comes out more like “I love you” as in, “It’s you I love, not him.”)

17.) In Laying Claim it was mentioned that Daesung’s neck isn’t all that marked up. Certainly not as badly as in Carnivores. Daesung’s attacker points out that he sees a “few marks here and there, nothing much.” Then, “Your so-called mate must not be too concerned about holding onto you.” Of course, in Carnivores the scars up and down Daesung’s neck and across his back and shoulders are given much attention. The implication here is that Seunghyun started marking Daesung more heavily after the events of this fic. I know it’s subtle, but eh.

18.) I hope the events of BLTS will make it clearer why Seungri was so affected by Daesung’s suicide attempt in DLAFA. When I wrote DLAFA I thought it was enough to show that he and Daesung were quite close, through the numerous scenes of the two of them out and about together. Of course, it also hurt him badly because he saw it happen firsthand, and he was the one to pull him from the water. He was there in the moment, even if he didn’t realize what he was seeing right away. And I wanted to show how when one person tries to take his life, the impact of it is never limited to just that person; it affects all their loved ones.

What made it worse for Seungri was how easily he could have missed it, how easily Daesung could have succeeded. He had trailed Daesung only “because he was bored,” he confessed later. Nothing more. He was just bored and so was curious about where Daesung was going, had nothing better to do and followed him out the door on a whim. I imagine that many times throughout the walk to the river Seungri thought about turning back. ‘This is boring too,’ he must have thought. ‘There’s nothing interesting happening here. I should just go. I should leave him alone.’ How easily things could have ended differently. How easily.

However, now, after writing BLTS, I’ve added the element of Seungri’s pre-existing abandonment issues-- issues that Daesung (and the rest of the pack, yes, but Daesung more than the rest) helped him work through in their first year together. It must have felt to him like Daesung had been aiming to leave them behind-- to leave him. In DLAFA, after pulling Daesung from the water, Seungri says, “Don’t leave us."

So yes, in BLTS Daesung saved Seungri’s life... and in doing so proved to Seungri his strength (and finally earned his respect). I think it’s appropriate that years later, in a moment when Daesung’s strength failed him, Seungri was able to return the favor.

19.) Honestly, the way I see it, the city and its human occupants in DLAFA were, objectively, not as terrible as they might have seemed. Most of the humans there were tolerant enough. Many were even kind. But it just wasn't right for BB. Their reasons for staying as long as they did were pretty simple, nothing elaborate. First being that it served as a place for them to rest and recover from the toll their travels had taken on their bodies.

Another reason for their extended stay was simply this: carrying through with the decision to pick up and leave one's current life is always much easier said than done. Too often we find ourselves in an 'okay' place with an 'okay' job, maybe in an 'okay' relationship. It's not really what we want but we convince ourselves that we're content to settle, to live an overall 'okay' existence because the fear of leaving it all and ending up somewhere worse is too great to overcome. That's what you see in DLAFA. Daesung did his best to embrace his new life there. Seunghyun hated every second of it. The other three were mostly okay with it, barring a few important drawbacks. Keep in mind that half the story was told from the perspective of Seunghyun, who with his wild nature was the worst possible candidate for adapting to a lifestyle of such restriction. His loathing for the city and everything it represented was greater than that of all his packmates' combined, and his narrative is thickly colored by that.

But when it comes down to it, their main reason for staying at length was simply... hope. Hope that they had perhaps found this wondrous place they'd only ever heard about in tales told them by others of their kind. The question is, did they find it after all? Was it indeed the city of legend that they sought, or was it another city altogether that just so happened to have a similar policy of accepting wolves inside its walls? That's up to the reader to decide.

20.) At this time I can’t imagine writing about their lives after leaving the city. Not beyond that tragically short epilogue, anyway. I just can’t imagine following up that closing line with anything. In my mind it’s the perfect end for this story of survival and, through it all, enduring love:

Life, the melody that carries them, goes on.