#cutting while listening to depressing songs is the only thing that empties me out and makes me numb

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw: sa, sucide, self harm

[sonnyaavce]

DP x DC Prompt # 5

Song: Brother - Kodaline

"I've got you, lil'brother"

Those damn words, Damian hated them, it had marked him very early in his youth back them at Nanda Parbat, where everything was just too strict for him by the league of assassin's, the bad nights where he was alone looking up at the clear skies stars after his departure, the dangerous days that he had tried to survive alone without him after becoming the heir, were his days went by bottling up all of his emotions, where the loneliness he felt after losing him left him wandering the dark and empty halls until he was alone in his dusty alcove.

But after he left the league, after leaving behind the Al Ghul name and taking the Wayne name, he felt soo liberated in expressing all of those bottled up emotions that he had left locked up in his heart, of course he had talked to his father first; after he ended up having a nightmare after a traumatic rescue mission (he had cried a river, he darkly admitted, but Bruce hadn't cared, admittedly, he felt good when he was embraced lovingly).

Bruce had cradled him in his arms and whispered sweet nothing's , again, he had ended up crying again because he felt soo wrong enjoying it; because he wasn't here, his older brother, Danyal, the only one that had done the same thing for him back them.

He ended up telling all the birds of prey and the clan about his brother, about how he had been the one to show him what an older brother was, how he cared of his injuries after a mission, about his nightly escapades in the compound to look at the stars and constellations, telling him tales about the origin of theirs names and about how after one nightmarish mission back in Russia they went together and after only him returning first to the safe house he didn't see Danyal the first days only to find out that his brother hadn't managed to return, how he had died trying to protect him after a rogue had ended up following them once they were done, on how he hated when they called him "lil'brother" at the beginning because it opened a scar that had healed wrong.

They had been reasonably angry at him from not telling them sooner but shut up when Damian added in tears how his brother's last words on that mission were "I've got you, lil' brother" before cutting out their communications and recording these last words to him in their shared link.

"I miss him" added Damian after calming down a bit, leaning into Dick's shoulder "I do miss Danyal, but... I know that Danyal wouldn't want me to be sad, so while I was reluctant at first to allow you to call me a little bat... I do appreciate that you recognize me as your brother."

——————————————————————————

That's all palls! That's the end of my delirious dream after I had a depressing episode and ended up listening to the right song.

EDIT: I really hope that someday someone will try any ideas of mine bc while I do love to write… I do have the tendency to just kill everything and everyone with a sad finale…

[word-wytch]

Don't Stand So Close To Me — Chapter 8

Eddie x Teacher!Reader

Chapter 8/? 5.5k. Series Masterlist

✏︎ Eddie goes to a Halloween party on business while you have a different sort of celebration. 

✏︎ Series Summary: Forced to move back home to Hawkins after your fiancé cheats on you, you begin to fall in love again with an audacious 20 year old metalhead, only there’s one problem — he’s still in high school and you’re his English teacher.

While you struggle starting over in a place you never thought you would return, Eddie struggles feeling stuck in a place he can’t manage to leave — until you offer to help him. Of all the lessons learned, the most important are the ones you teach each other.

✏︎ Series CW: forbidden romance, slow burn, smut (18+ mdni), true love, internal conflict, student-teacher relationship, 10 year age gap, mutual pining, sexual tension, emotions, drama, angst, character development, happy ending :)

Chapter warnings: heavy grief, heavy angst, depictions of depression, sibling death mention, drunk driving accident mention, drugs, alcohol, bullying

Saturday, October 26th 1985

There was a shadow on your heart.

It was there from the moment you woke up. A fog that made you not want to leave your bed. Not want to do anything at all. 

You didn’t, not for a long while until your bladder forced you to. And when you did, you would move from room to room in a daze. Eyes unfocused, hair and teeth unbrushed. You would search for your motivation all day, what there was left of the day anyway.

You hoped that you would find it. Somewhere in the pile of dirty dishes or in the half eaten microwaved breakfast burrito that you could barely stomach, still sitting on your table getting stale and dry — waiting for you to come back. The quiet, hopeful part of you thought that maybe you would.

Maybe it was somewhere in the pile of papers you still had yet to grade, or in the laundry you still had yet to fold. Maybe if you sat in front of the TV long enough the right song would find you on MTV and you would feel something else besides numbness and self-loathing.

David Bowie couldn’t do it. Neither could Whitney Houston. Michael Jackson tried too, over and over. You were tempted to reach for the remote if you heard “Thriller” one more time.

You wanted to murder the sky. Grey and indifferent, the pale, cold light only amplifying the heaviness inside you. Was it mocking you? Casting down drizzle, unable to expend enough for rain?  

You knew what day it was. You figured after 17 years it would be just another one, but feared for the same all at once. 

Numb as you felt, your head was anything but empty. There was all sorts of noise in there. It was loudest when the commercials came on. There was one in particular — an ad for Pumpkintown, a local attraction at one of the many farms that surrounded Hawkins. Every half hour you would hear little voices sing the familiar jingle, see their bright puffy coats as they ran through corn mazes, see their little, uncoordinated hands painting pumpkins and eating kettle corn.

Grief, as you would come to know it, was loudest in the great what if. In the wondering what might have been if things had turned out differently. Would you have nieces or nephews? Would you be on your way to Pumpkintown with them instead of sitting alone on your couch wanting to cry? You would never know.

The phone rang. It cut through the air, shrill and intrusive. You sat there for a few rings, contemplating letting it go but you were afraid the noise would just return moments later. That it wouldn’t leave you alone. 

You peeled yourself off of the couch and slugged into the kitchen. The breath you took before picking the phone up off the receiver was ragged. 

“Hello?” you answered, your first word all day.

“Hi dear, it’s mom.”

“Hey mom.” You wondered if she could hear the difference between a feigned smile and a real one. 

She wasn’t really listening though. Not that there was much to listen to in the weak “Oh yeah?”s  and the handful of “That’s nice”s you had to offer. She would talk about her book club and the drama she overheard from a friend of hers. She would talk about canning vegetables and the pumpkin pie she made the other day, how you really ought to come over and have some before it’s all gone.

“Anyway, thought I would just catch up with you,” she said finally. “How are you?”

The question surprised you. You wondered for a moment if you should answer honestly. 

“Oh, you know,” you said with a sigh, twisting the cord around your finger. “Just thinking about Mickey.” 

It was a name that was rarely said anymore. It was met with silence, rare for her. 

“Yes, it is that day,” she said finally. 

You knew she couldn’t have forgotten. You wondered about the noise in her head too, if gossiping and canning vegetables helped quiet the great what if. She hardly ever spoke about it since it happened. That always bothered you.

“I miss him,” you said weakly.

Her sigh filled another pause. “I do too.”

______

Eddie flicked his lighter and ignited the end of his cigarette. He leaned up against his van in Gareth’s driveway and took a long drag, looking around the neighborhood at the carefully groomed lawns. The wet, fallen leaves brought down by the wind the only thing that littered the pristine sidewalk. 

He exhaled the smoke into the damp night air, watching as it wafted across the driveway, up toward the glowing street lamps. 

The garage door startled him when it opened. 

Gareth hobbled out, lugging an amp. “Hey man, sorry it took me so long. Jeff left this here for you, he got his fixed so he doesn’t need it anymore.”

Eddie tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette and slid open the side door of the van. “Thanks, uh, you can just slide it in behind the back seat.” 

Gareth waddled over and set the amp down with a heavy thud as Eddie opened the driver’s side door and crawled in. He took another drag of his cigarette as Gareth fussed with the amp, sliding it back in the cabin behind the long bench.

The movement paused for a moment. “Dude what’s up with all the napkins back here?”

Eddie whipped his head around. “Don’t touch those.”

Gareth looked at him — wary and wide-eyed as he slowly exited the side of the van, coming around to take the passenger’s seat like he was afraid to even ask.

Eddie held the cigarette between his lips as he dug through the pile of tapes in the center console. “Bingo,” he said, popping Motörhead’s Overkill into the tape player and slamming it shut. He flicked his wrist and the Chevy Nomad roared to life.

Eddie banged his head as Gareth air drummed the solo to the opening track. He cranked the shift stick and hit the gas to back out. They took off, cruising down the dark suburban street with a roar and a rumble. 

“I just stopped at Rick’s right before you so we’re gonna have to roll as we go,” Eddie shouted over the music, tapping his hands against the steering wheel to the beat.

“Sounds good man,” Gareth shouted back, hammering at the dashboard with his hands.

By the time they arrived, the party was already raging. People still arriving in droves, parked cars piling up in the woods and down the long street outside of Tina’s house. Typically Eddie liked to arrive fashionably late, but after he and Gareth had to wade through a sea of bodies just to find Tina, he was having regrets about that. The thing was, Eddie needed a place to be for his operation. A table and a place to sit and roll was not only preferable, but rather necessary considering the party size.

Thankfully she wasn’t wearing a wig or a mask or they might have never found her on the back porch. Instead her mousey brown hair was styled in a 60s bob and tied back in a headband, completing her go-go girl look.

She led them into the packed living room.

“Move, dealer needs the table,” she shouted over the music, nudging the guy in the toga parked on the loveseat with her white go-go boot.

Her demand was met with looks of annoyance, but Tina just stood there with her arms crossed until they resigned, leaving only wet rings behind on the glass coffee table.

“All yours, boys.”

Would people know where to find him? Should he put up a sign? He supposed the best he could do was Tina’s word of mouth and their ongoing operation for everyone to see in the middle of the living room.

It turns out that was all he needed. They would sell for $5 a pop. And probably quicker if Gareth wasn’t so shitty at rolling.

“Woah, woah, man that’s like way too much. Here—” He took the overflowing paper out of Gareth’s hands and demonstrated. “You gotta use the filter as a guide, and start with like half as much dude.” Eddie rolled it in his fingers until it evened out, then he tucked the paper behind the filter licked along the edge to seal it, twisting the end in a final flourish. “See? Like that.” 

 Gareth snorted and took a swig of beer. “Ok Edward, master of the roll.” 

Eddie gave him a look, doing a piss poor job at hiding his smirk. “I mean the point is to make money, man. If you roll them too fat it not only looks terrible but we’re just giving away weed.”

Gareth sighed and looked at him over the can at his lips. “Got it, sensei.”

“Good ‘cause we’re selling fast.” Eddie loaded up the grinder, feeling the grit of the resin as he twisted it in his hands. 

His mind wandered, as it always did, to you. He thought about you at a Halloween party. Wondered what sort of costume you would have. Probably something smart like Nancy Drew, or geekishly obscure like Jane Eyre, or maybe you would go the fantasy route and be Arwen, elf ears and all.

He wondered how you would be at a party. Pensively sipping your drink, making keen observations about the partygoers. Maybe you’d have fun too, after a few more. After a song you liked came on and he dragged you out of the corner to dance like fools. 

He wished that you could be here. Well, maybe not here watching him sell weed but maybe in another timeline. In the absence of the wall that was built between you long before either of you had any say in it. 

Eddie tapped the contents of the grinder out onto his rolling tray and got to work.

There were so many people that had come by his table that they were all starting to blend together. How many devils, ghosts, and cowboys would he see before the night was over? It was yet to be determined and the night was very young.

What was hard to miss was the gang of jocks in leather jackets and white t-shirts, hair slicked back like greasers. There were at least five of them, and they all came in at once together like some wannabe boy band, lead by none other than Jason Carver.

It was also hard to miss the angel standing next to him. Literally. Chrissy Cunningham in huge feather wings, a tight white dress, and a sparkling gold halo.

He was certain that his gaze would be lost in the sea of people. He hoped that it would be. Hoped that they would walk right past and never even see him. 

But Chrissy did. By some split second miracle, some sixth sense.

Her eyes found his from across the room. She smiled at him, bright and blinding.

______

The darkness in the room alarmed you when you opened your eyes, struggled to rather. Bleary and squinting against the white light from the television, you rubbed the sleep from them. 

You sat up on the couch and wiped the drool off your face, wondering what time it was. The clock on your wall said something like 8:30, but it was hard to tell and your eyes were still adjusting.

Your stomach growled and you thought about the breakfast burrito still sitting on your kitchen table. It was still the last thing you had eaten. You ran your tongue across your teeth, scummy and in need of brushing. The pile of laundry was still there too, sitting crumpled in a basket next to you. The papers still sitting in a pile on your coffee table, untouched.

“Thriller” was playing. Again. Your hand itched for the remote but it was buried somewhere in the couch so instead you just sat there. You sat there and watched like you had done half a dozen times already today. You watched as Michael Jackson danced around like a werewolf in his red suit, unable to peel your eyes from the screen.

You watched him and thought about Eddie Munson at a party. 

Thought about him in a darkened basement, the air thick with smoke and sound. Crowded with people like him who wanted to get away, muffled music coming through ceiling from upstairs. He would be there, strewn across a couch or leaning against a wall. Cigarette in one hand, beer in another. He would bring the bottle to his lips and look at you with those dark eyes. Lids heavy as the buzz washed over him, relaxing deeper into the space he occupied. He would drape his arm across the back of the couch, beckoning you to sit closer.

It was easy to imagine. How easy it would be to slide up next to him. To lean in a little too close. To feel the heat from his body as he talked about music, his bright voice filling the space between you, what little there was. To catch the scent of his clothing, of his skin as he leaned closer to talk over the noise, his lips ghosting the shell of your ear. 

How easy it would be to turn your head and catch those lips in yours. Soft, plush, and needy. You imagined how his tongue would feel as it coaxed against yours. Smoke acrid, the taste of beer still lingering on it. 

It was easy to imagine those strong hands of his, how they would feel gripping your thigh or your hip as he pulled you closer. Those tendons and bones you recalled so vividly when he’d graced you with the chance to touch him. You could imagine how they would feel other places.

It was easy to imagine that just about any girl would see him and want the same thing.

And who would he be to say no? To some girl dressed as a cat or a rabbit barely wearing any clothes, looking at him like she wanted to take a bite. 

Your stomach lurched.

It would be easy. Easy for them to find a quiet place to take things further.

You imagined, for a moment, what it would be like to be her. To be in that darkened basement, amidst the laughing and shouting and chaos of others around you too wrapped up in their own world to notice how his hands are wandering. How his lips are wandering too. Dizzying as they track across your jaw, down your neck. How his tongue lathes at the skin there, the buzz from the drink in his other hand only amplifying the need you can feel in his teeth. 

He would look at you with those dark, lust-blown eyes and you would know exactly what he wants. He would mutter in your ear and let his palm slip from around your waist only to take your hand. To lead you out of the darkened basement to a bedroom, or out to his van. 

You imagined those strong shoulders of his. How they felt under his t-shirt and how they would feel without it. If he would even bother to remove it or if his need would render that too inconvenient.

It wouldn’t be that hard — to find a spot to sit in the back of his van. Dark and quiet save for the deep bass and muffled voices from the party raging on in the distance. To lose what little clothing you had on and crawl atop his lap. To wrap your arms around those solid shoulders as his curious fingers explored you below. 

How could he help himself? When you’re right there, wanting him so evidently. When it’s something he can feel with his fingers and taste on his tongue when those fingers leave your heat. Who would he be to stop himself from giving you what you want? 

And his voice. Would his voice still be as bright as he sunk himself into you or would it be colored differently — shaded with hoarseness as his heavy sighs filled the space between you? How would it color the thick night air as the pressure mounted inside of him? Would he use his words? Would he be able to when the pressure was too much? What new colors would there be then? 

It was easy to imagine. 

So easy that it made you sick. 

It sat in the pit of your stomach and gnawed at any fleeting hunger you might have had when you woke up. Like a tapeworm.

It whispered things to you. That he would be better off with a girl his own age anyway. That you were a short-lived fascination in his fast life. That he would grow tired of you too. Things that sounded truer the longer you sat with them in the darkness of your living room.

There was shame too. Shame for even letting yourself get to this point. For feeling this way about your student of all people. For having hope to begin with. After all, he had done so many things to give it to you.

You thought about all the parties you never went to. All the darkened basements you were never led away from. All the colors that you never got to hear, and taste, and touch in sacrifice for good behavior. 

It was an experience that you would give anything to have. 

You thought about Eddie Munson and his boyish smile. The way his hand felt when it took yours. The kindness in his eyes. The shame you saw in them too.

You thought about him coming home from the party. Cruising down a dark, winding road in his van, taking the curves and bends with a reckless abandon, fueled by the music pounding in his speakers and the vices in his veins. You thought about his wild hair catching the wind from the window he lowered to taste the rush of being alive.  

You thought about him taking one of those bends too tightly. How top-heavy vans could be. How slick the roads were. How easy it would be not to notice someone else coming around the corner.

And just like that you were in your pyjamas again, barefoot on the carpet of your childhood living room. Your heart pounding into your throat as you watched your parents from behind at the front door. The flashing of red, white, and blue from outside the big front window the only light in the darkness. It streaked across your family photos and painted the paneled walls. 

You wondered what they would say about him. What all the other teachers would say when he didn’t show up to school on Monday. What the whole town would say when their papers and televisions told them he would never show up to school again.

Would they change their tune or would it only make them sing it louder? That he was always trouble. That it was his own fault. That it was only a matter of time. That he had no future anyway. You could almost hear Ms. O’Donnell. Almost hear the half-hearted comments from the others about what a shame it was, the truth of their feelings masked with a weak display of sympathy for a day or two.

Would he amount to nothing more than a warning? A cautionary tale at school assemblies? An example of how not to be?  

Your hands gripped the couch, stomach churning. 

It was easy to imagine. As easy as it was to remember.

______

Eddie had never been to a house party that wasn’t obnoxious. Obnoxious was kind of the point.

He wasn’t sure if it was the shitty music, or the fact that people kept kicking the back of the loveseat he was stationed at, or the drunken caterwauling from the sexy inmate in the corner as she sloshed her drink all over the carpet. Maybe it was the kick drum that pounded in his chest and forced him to smell the beer on the breath of his buyers as they slurred their orders.

He brought his own can to his lips and took the last swig of the warm beer that remained in the bottom of it. His arms felt like jello. Even still, he wished that he was more numb than he was. His mouth was cotton dry and Gareth still had not returned with the drinks that he said he was going to get half an hour ago. He was well past the point of agitated. 

The whole room was packed shoulder to shoulder and smelled like cigarettes, beer, and sweat. He was cornered in it, but he couldn’t leave his goods sitting out without someone to watch them and he couldn’t leave either or he would forfeit his spot. Where was Gareth? He was going to strangle him. 

Eddie glanced around the packed room, his heart kicking up in a panic. Hindsight pierced his haze. He should have brought Jeff too, but he hated these kinds of house parties. Now that he was alone with a table full of drugs and a lunchbox full of money, he was starting to realize how dangerous that was.

That’s when he felt a dip in the seat next to him.

Chrissy Cunningham leaned back into the couch with a heavy sigh, crushing her feather wings behind her. Her gold garland halo sat crooked atop her head.

Eddie’s stomach dropped.

“Hey,” she said breathlessly, “Mind if I sit here? My feet are killing me.” She stretched her legs out, smooth and polished. The rhinestones on her stilettos caught the light as she kicked them off.

“Sure,” he said hesitantly, glancing around again. “You don’t think your boyfriend would mind?” He couldn’t hide the suspicion in his voice. 

Chrissy rolled her eyes and propped her plush cheek against her hand, her elbow resting on the back of the white leather couch. “He’s outside doing keg stands, I don’t think he even noticed I left.”

Eddie sat back a little in his seat, unconvinced. “I uh, brought a friend too but it seems like he ditched me.”

“Oh no,” she mumbled, scooting closer. “I can keep you company.”

He froze, noticing how dangerously close her red drink was to her white dress. The way her hand jerked as she struggled to keep it balanced. “You uh…you ok?”

“Yeah ‘m good, ‘m good,” she muttered, “Thanks for asking.”

Drunken hollering filled the silence between them as Eddie racked his brain over what to say next. The packed bodies in the dim living room swayed to Rockwell’s one hit wonder.

I always feel like

Somebody’s watching me

“Nice costume.” It was the best he could do.

“What are you dressed as?” she teased, playing with one of the pins on his vest. 

Eddie swallowed, glancing down at the pearl white nail polish on her delicate fingers as she twisted the pin. “Just your friendly neighborhood drug dealer.” 

Chrissy batted her eyes at him. “Mm yeah, you are friendly,” she breathed, scooting even closer. She tucked her legs underneath her and rested her head against her arm on the back of the couch. 

He could feel the heat from her body. Smell the sugary drink on her breath as it ghosted over his face. He was close enough to notice the patches on her lips where the red had rubbed off onto the cup. Close enough to see how the redness in her eyes intensified the green irises under her hooded lids.

She was sitting so close that he failed to notice how many greasers were crowding around the table. In fact he didn’t until one of them said something.

“Hey,” Jason barked. He reached over the table to snatch one of the joints, his smile dripping with acid as he waved it in front of Eddie’s face. “How much to leave my fucking girlfriend alone?” 

Eddie felt his ghost leave his body.

“Jason—“ Chrissy balked.

“Get up.”

“I was just looking for a place to sit, these heels are—“

“I said get up,” Jason spat. 

Chrissy stumbled off the couch, pulling down the white, skin tight dress that had ridden up her thighs. She almost tripped over her shoes.

“Why do I keep catching you and my girlfriend together? Hm?” Jason rolled the joint around in his fingers. A few gelled strands of his slicked back hair had come as unhinged as he was.

Eddie rolled his eyes to mask his panic. “Calm down. She’s been sitting here for like two minutes. Jesus.”

“Yeah, yeah. You know,” he said, looking around, “There just aren’t any other seats in this whole goddamn house are there?” He laughed dryly. “Not a single one!”

Eddie’s eyes flashed to Chrissy. Would she say something? Did Jason know she invited him? Was it a secret?  

It was the panic in her eyes that told him. “Apparently not,” he said curtly. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have business to attend to.” He gestured to the joint in Jason’s hands. “That’ll be five dollars.”

“Oh I’m not finished with you, freak.”

“Jason—“

“Why don’t you go find a seat somewhere else, babe.” His words were a gentle venom.

“I’m fine,” Chrissy choked out.

“You know I’d really hate for those pretty feet of yours to get a blister,” he threatened. “Why don’t you go find Tina and have her get a chair for you, hm?”

Chrissy looked hesitant, eyes meeting Eddies for a split second before darting back over to Jason. Met with only daggers, she picked her heels up off the carpet and stormed off.

“Now then,” Jason said as he took her seat on the couch. The jocks in jackets crowded closer, closing off the table from the rest of the pulsing room. “Why don’t you tell me,” he started, grabbing Eddie’s lighter off the table to ignite the the joint in his fingers. “What makes you think you can talk to my girlfriend?”

Eddie seethed, his chest pounding, and not from the kick drum anymore. Where is the fuck is Gareth? 

“What makes you think you’re above paying for shit like everyone else?” He snapped back. “Your daddy teach you that?”

An audible ripple of shock emanated from the jocks in jackets.

“Wow look at that boys, he’s as funny as he is brilliant,” Jason retorted. “Let me ask you something else, freak.” He leaned in close enough for Eddie to smell the beer on his breath. “What the hell were you doing with our English teacher after school the other day?”

Eddie’s stomach dropped. “I—“ he steeled his face for the lie, “Jesus I just saw her in the hallway, man. We were both leaving, why the fuck does it matter?”

“See my buddy Donnie over here has a few questions for you too.” 

Eddie looked up. That’s when he recognized him. The athlete. The cigarette. 

“You a little hall monitor now, Munson? Huh?” Donnie uttered, earning jeers from the others.

“See I have a theory” Jason leaned even closer, blowing smoke in Eddie’s face. “That you’re turning into a teacher’s pet.” 

“Get the fuck out of my face,” Eddie spat. “You can keep the joint.”

“Ooh see that boys?” Jason laughed. “So defensive. You know what I think? I think the freak has a big fat crush.”

The crowd erupted, practically tripping over themselves now.

All Eddie could offer was dry laugh, shaking his head. His voice caught in his throat, face hot. Gripping the seat of the couch was all he could do to stop his hands from shaking. Where the fuck is Gareth?

“See look, he’s not denying it!” Jason announced to his cronies. The response was uproarious laughter. “You’re a real fuckin’ perv aren’t you?”

Eddie seethed. “You’re an entitled cocksucker in the way of my customers.” 

Then there was the commentary from the peanut gallery. Even over the music he could hear it.

“He can’t even get girls his own age,” Patrick muttered.

“Yeah he’s so old he’s going after the teachers now,” wheezed Donnie.  

Eddie felt the blood drain from his face. Felt a deep shame bubble up from the pit of his stomach. 

“You know what, I’m out. You can tell Tina who’s fault it was.” Eddie flipped open his black metal lunchbox with one hand and grabbed a handful of joints with the other, tossing them in unceremoniously.

“Woah woah who said we were finished?” Jason said through a crazed laugh. “You’re here to make deals right? Well I came here to make a deal too.”

Eddie offered him nothing more than a glance, packing away his grinder, his papers, his filters.

“Here’s the deal,” he said leaning in closer. “You stay the fuck away from my girlfriend, and I won’t make your life even more of a pathetic nightmare.” 

Eddie bit his lip. Better get her a collar then so she knows who she belongs to. 

It killed him not to say it. Physically hurt him not to. He wanted to spit it in his face but the lunchbox in front of him full of drugs and money kept his mouth buttoned. They could steal it all if they wanted. They could steal it all right now and get away with it too.

Jason grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, forcing Eddie to face him. “Do we have a deal, freak? I know you’re good at deals.”

“Deal,” Eddie spat,“Now get your fucking hands off me,” he said with a shove.

Jason sat back in his seat, smoothing his hand through his hair. “See? That wasn’t so hard was it?” 

______

Eddie stormed through the house. He surged through the kitchen, the dining room, the basement. He pushed through the sweaty bodies packing the stairwell and banged on all the bedroom doors, only to open them to half naked couples yelling at him from the darkness. He had been at this for twenty minutes now and still no sign of Gareth.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to just leave him. He was about to.

But then he thought about you. He thought about your brother. About how wasted everyone at this party was and how Gareth would find his way home. Eddie had sobered up plenty.

He thought about the looks on all their faces when they mentioned you. A familiar shame twisted in his gut. He knew the serpent well. Felt its sting since he could remember. The sting that came from bringing an ugly self-made peanut butter sandwich to middle school and unwrapping it in front of kids who’s moms packed notes.

Today the sting came from clean cut jocks at a normal party dressed in normal costumes looking down at him and his table full of drugs and saying that his heart was ugly too. That the flutters it felt when the kindness in your eyes soothed him like a balm were monstrous and disgusting. 

When he finally saw the glow of Gareth’s face by the fire pit he couldn’t tell if he was more relieved or enraged by the sight of him. Beer in hand, yucking it up with some chick dressed as Velma from Scooby Doo.

Eddie marched over to them, fuming. “We’re leaving. Now,” he barked.

“Dude what the fuck?”

“Thanks for leaving me back there for the past hour.” 

“Well I wasn’t gonna sit there all night, that was kind of the deal.”

“Oh yeah? Well you could have at least told me. At least come back and let me take a piss for fuck’s sake. You know I can’t exactly leave drugs and money unattended.”

Gareth sighed, glancing over at Velma with a wince. “Sorry man, I kind of got sidetracked. Cindy this is,” he gestured in annoyance, “Eddie by the way.”

Eddie, tight lipped, waved his hand unceremoniously.

“Come on, just sit and hang out with us.”

“I don’t wanna hang out, I just wanna go,” Eddie said, looking around anxiously.

Gareth looked him over, eyebrows knitting. “Did something… happen, man?”

Eddie glanced at Cindy, at the wary concern painting her face. He shifted his eyes toward the other people packed around the fire, laughing and drinking. “I’ll tell you in the car.”

Gareth met him with a wide-eyed mixture of disappointment and worry. “Come on, man. Give me like half an hour?”

In the waning of his rage, Eddie could feel the exhaustion setting in. Feel how thirsty he still was, how his ears were ringing from the noise, how his chest still rattled from the fear. His eyes turned to pleading. “Please.”

Gareth sighed, defeated. “Fine.”

______

A/N: Fun fact, I use a real calendar from 1985/86 to outline the story and I checked out of curiosity what day the Halloween party her brother attended would have been and it actually was Saturday, Oct 26th 1968. 1985 and 1968 use the exact same calendar. I wasn’t even planning on making it the exact anniversary but it just worked out that way. 

Another fun fact, Eddie dealing at Tina’s Halloween party as a plot point and the fact that Jason and the boys were dressed like greasers was inspired by one of my absolute favorite fics Oh, Baby by @inknopewetrust. Seriously, go read it. One of the best.

Thank you so much everyone, you know what to do — If you loved it, share it and let me know!

I really do try my best to respond to all your comments. 💋

Taglist: @mermaidsandcats29 @toxicjayhoo @ooo-protean-ooo @jadequeen88 @wroteclassicaly @kissmyacdc @mantorokk-writes @loveshotzz @newlips @chainsawmunson @trashmouth-richie @bebe0701 @latenighttalkingwithgrapejuice @bibieddiesgf @idkidknemore @alizztor @godcreatoreli @shotgunhallelujah @ethereal27cereal @munsonsgirl71 @luna-munson83 @eddiemunsonsbitcch @tlclick73 @emxxblog @siriusmuggle @sidthedollface2 @dollalicia @lma1986 @catherinnn @eddiemunson4life420 @readsalot73 @ruby-dragon @3rriberri @princess-eddie @nightless @eddieswifu @thew0rldsastage @quinnsfineline @jo-harrington @chaoticgood-munson @edsforehead @hanahkatexo @eddiemunsonsbedroom @beep-beep-sherlock @emily-roberts @averagemisfit03 @vintagehellfire @haylaansmi @carolmunson

[aeliesa]

SAFE SPACES OF AGONY

Synopsis: When he died, you suffered in different ways, and when things are starting to go their own way, Satoru knows what to do, even if it means altering everything all at once.

• Relationship: Gojo Satoru x female reader (with mention of Suguru) • Content: Lightweight angst • Words: 2.7k • Song: Life Puzzle by Arthur Nery

A/N: I just came back for a short post. I've been away for so long that I miss writing and staying on Tumblr as my way of de-stressing. The world moves quickly, and I want to pause and enjoy the moment. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this short (?) post I wrote on my short break while listening to my playlist on spotify. There's some canon divergence but only a little. Thank you, stay safe and hydrated. ♡

“I found her first! I love her first!”

“But she chooses me; you and I both know her choices are out of our bounds.”

The rain keeps pouring, sheltering his emotions in the cold breeze and grey clouds, almost like despair is the only thing inside him. He never likes this idea, yet he has to entertain it again whenever it comes back from the dead. He detests it; however, what choice does he have? In this modernity, he is known as the strongest, the keeper of the scale between evil and good. Somehow, when it comes to you - he’s reminded how he can never have everything the way he wants to. He was born the strongest; regardless, his strength wasn’t enough to tame someone he longed to have. He sighs and gently shakes his head before raising his fist to knock on the door, only to stop mid-air and open it. “At the very least, Satoru, let me win this time.”

“We both know I already lost before it started.”

Silence engulfs the whole place; the emptiness of warmth welcomes like a ravaging wild wave that washes along the shore. The gloominess of the weather has escalated the atmosphere inside the house, the darkness, coldness, and even the silence. 

It’s like walking into the abyss to save someone from falling into the pits of depression. 

“You were supposed to stay on the side and let things unfold!”

“I did, but she made her move. It is not my fault that I am what she wants.”

He hangs his coat on the rack before taking the path upstairs, finding his subject. Each step he takes is also how his heart is hammering against his chest. The silence was different this time; it was a creeping sensation of something he never desired to happen, much less think of it. He shakes his head once it crosses again, ‘No, she won’t do that.’ His strides keep on going till he hears small sobs in a small distance across the door, where the only sound he hears upon entering your place. “I promised her… that I’ll return after things are okay.”

“You made her believe in something already a far cry.”

“I know, and it seems like I’ll just leave her in your hands.” Satoru opens the door, knocking gently before calling your name in a whispering manner. He could only sigh at seeing you lying on your stomach with disheveled hair, hugging the clothes of someone he once knew. “Hey….” he softly mutters under his breath, walking to your side, observing how the mood is continuously depleting each second. Satoru studies you for a while; he can tell how heavy things are for you - caught between the situation and forced to choose between right and wrong, leaving the safe spaces of neutrality.

Soft sobs are just the only answer you give. Not that it matters to Satoru; amongst everyone, you know that he’s the only one who understands you the most. When everyone dictated your emotions and actions, there he was, standing on the other side - welcoming you with compassion par to none. “I’m sorry,” you sigh, sitting on the bed and wiping your tears. “I should have prepared long ago -” “No need…” he cuts you off, making you look at him, despite the puffy eyes. “No need to force yourself. We can stay here and do whatever you want.”

“You know what I want right now, Satoru.” “Still, I don’t mind,” he nonchalantly replies, pulling a chair and sitting before you. “You like to cry all you want? Go. Do you want to just lay on the bed and think about him? Be my guest. Sulk as much as you want today, lay on the bed throughout the hours, and just be lost in your own world; I don’t mind - as long as you bring me where your thoughts go.” You close your eyes and run your hand on your temples, a cracked voice and shaky breath; you answer: “But it is like that day….” “And? If it makes you feel better, then we do it. You can’t just shut your emotions just because you were told by those around you…” he leans a little, meeting your gaze with his. “I don’t want you to make yourself suffer even more by restraining the raging emotions.”

“I miss him.” In a blink, he softens as he watches you smiling faintly with closed eyes, the redness of your.  “I know…” he nods, only staring at your features. “I do, too.” Satoru observes your face; he loves them. To see you being vulnerable with him, being bossy, being noisy, being jovial - everything about you - he loves all of it. Be it the worst or not, it is worth loving as long as it is you. 

A tear falls from your face, then another follows until it cascades down your cheeks. Satoru just patiently listens to your sobs as you cover your face with both hands while sitting on the side of the bed wearing the clothing of the man you love - who passed away in the hands of the same man who is comforting you. “Why did it have to happen? Why do I have to be so blind from everything? Why? Why didn’t he listen?” “It is not your fault,” he reminds you, calling your name almost like it is a fragile thing to say. “It’s never your fault.” You shake your head, still sobbing. “But it feels like it, Satoru. It feels like I failed to remind him that there is kindness in everything, that everything he saw was just the ugly side of the mirror - he was convinced by his philosophy. I saw it in his eyes!” It is hard for him, but to witness your struggle, Satoru could barely grasp the surface of what you’re dealing with. Apart from him, you suffered too when his best friend - Suguru Geto, died, if not worse. When he was losing himself is where you appear, sought after his hands to lift him from the turmoil troubling him. And yet, somehow… you did save Satoru, but who’s keeping you from going insane? “I know I don’t have enough idea about these curses, sorcerers, and whatnot, but at the very least, am I not a reminder of what you guys should protect?” you continue when he doesn’t react. “Why did it have to resort to such violence.” “You are,” Satoru assures, still sitting on the chair and watching you pouring your heart out on him. “You are a reminder, the thin line that keeps me holding on to what I should be fighting for.” “But I am not enough,” your voice cracks again. “I am not enough because it happened, Satoru. In your hands is where Suguru died, and I never resent you for it.” As he listens to you, Satoru remains silent for a while, losing himself in a reverie of his memories with the man you longed to hold, feel, and love.  “If you’re concerned if she’ll hate you once this is over, I’ll tell you this, Satoru: she won’t.”

“Why are you so sure?”

“Because she’s unlike any other.”

His friend has nailed his words. Suguru never lied whenever it was about you. At some point, it felt like Suguru knew you better than Satoru, even though the latter crossed paths with you first. You were the ray of sunshine, the bringer of hope, and the beacon of their humanity, the constant reminder of what they are protecting. Unlike them, you were just an average citizen caught in the fight of the cursed users. Yet, the accident was the turning point for the weaver of faith to write your own life. Caught between two worlds only to stay in the grey line for so long, content with living on both sides of the reality you’ve come to witness. “Do you hate me for it?” You paused, looking at him despite the messiness of your face. “Hate? Where did that notion come from?” you ask, bewildered. “I already told you I never resent you for what happened.” “J-Just a t-thought. I wouldn’t blame -” “Never did it cross my mind,” you cut off. “I understand you were backed against the wall and forced to do it. It’s just… I am upset with the situation; why doesn’t evilness just disappear? It is frustrating at some point. I could only watch you guys do your thing while I waited for everything to finish.” “That’s not true, you -” You gently chuckle with a crying tone, “Oh please, don’t sugarcoat it. It’s always been like that since the beginning. We both know I can’t do anything except wait for my friends to return from their missions. Sometimes, it’s hard to witness this stuff and turn a blind eye to it occasionally. In some situations, I must deal with the constant fear that I will not see you again walking inside my house; I had to beg the Heavens on my knees, called upon the saints and whatever deity graces my pleas.”

Satoru very well knows it; he’s the one who placed you in that situation, and along with it is the burden you had to carry. Selfish, it may seem, but to love you from afar is far from his desires. He pulled you, placing you where he believed was the best place for you to walk, which, in the same manner, is the same line that he can hold you. For whatever it is, Satoru couldn’t let your hand fall from his grasp, even when you were suffering in two worlds: between the life of the blindsided and the curses. “I can’t also lose you, okay?” you smile, still crying, facing him. “I can’t lose you too because losing Suguru is too much to handle, and I could not go on if you also will leave.” This time, he sighs and shifts his seat, pulling you into a hug as he sits beside you. “You. Will. Never. Lose. Me.” His firm voice came like a dulcet to your ears; a safety net for you to fall, a wall for you to lean on, a home for you to feel secure. The fervent of Satoru’s words is for you to hear and for him to fulfill. His words are carved amongst the stars that align with the destiny that holds the fate of your relationship with him. “You better honor that because the last guy who promised me is dead.” He nods, closing his eyes and kissing your temple softly. “My words carry the weight of my actions, and the universe is a witness as I say that even if all of me will cease to exist, I will still find my way to you,” he brushes your hair gently, “In this agony is where you’re drowning yourself to the extent of destruction but in all of everything, you will always see me seeking for your hand to reach you even if you’re on the other side; be it the doubts and anxiety, I'll give you peace and tranquility, and if not, then I can be the safe space that will shelter you against the world cruelty of the world.” “Promises… again.” “I meant it,” he says with determination upon sensing the reluctance, calling your name. “I mean it,” he repeats. “You two are indeed best friends,” Satoru gently chuckles at your comment. “Suguru also says the same.” “Well, it’s like they said… your friend is a piece of who you are.” You sigh, nuzzling your head; soft hair tickles his neck, making Satoru feel the tears against his skin. “If he could just be here with us, I miss him…” he tightens his hug around you. “So much….” you add, biting your lower lip and reciprocating the same intensity of embrace.

As the room fills with your soft sobs, he can only rub his hand on your back as you keep pouring your heart out. He knows the pain of losing someone and the vigor of mourn brings is beyond what each human can grasp. Pain is profound; it goes deeper than what an individual perceives. For you to be in a state of wreck for months already speaks the volume of how the death of his best friend break you. 

It has been months if not almost a year - and you changed drastically. 

“Weeks before that event happened, he promised. He promises me that he’ll come back, that we celebrate his birthday together - with you and Ieiri…” you sniff, “But here we are on the very day, remembering him wrenchingly.”

The rain outside continues to rampage, but your room's dimness worsens everything. The atmosphere is already hard enough, but for Satoru to see you like this? He wishes to end your suffering, but how can he? The chances were laid on the table, and the choice was yours. 

Satoru placed you in the midline that meets the norm and the other side… but Suguru gave you the choices to pick. “We can do something different. If you want, we can still go on with our initial plan.” “No,” you shake your head, breaking the hug. “I can’t give you that pain; it is selfish and immoral.” He frowns, “What do you mean? We always do this on Suguru’s birthday.” “Yes, and this time, I want it to stop.” “Why? Did I do something wrong?” You shake your head, “No, it’s just unfair and selfish for me. It feels nice to see you here and check me out. I know I have been a constant mess since Suguru died… you just can’t help it when someone you love is now a piece of history, a part of you also dies, right?” you heave a deep breath and turn to Satoru, smiling faintly, “When he passed away, a part of me went with him, and it will forever be with him…” When Satoru placed you in a tight situation, Suguru gave you a choice, and you responded to the opportunity. “You see, Satoru, I cannot do it anymore. The pretension and everything that everything is okay, we both know you don’t like the idea of doing what Suguru and I always do on his birthday.” “It doesn’t matter to me as long as it makes you feel better,” his voice's firmness is the anchor that pulls your hesitation back at bay. “If it’s how I can make you happy, I am willing to fill his shoes.” “I made you suffer, and I don’t like it. Relishing my memory with Suguru is never the answer; we can’t continue like this forever.”

“You love him that much, huh?” “More than what I can give up.” “Lucky bastard,” he jests, making you chuckle. 

Maybe in another timeline, if perchance it exists, the tiny hope lingers in him that he won’t hear the same thing. Deep in his thoughts lies the idea that you were choosing the other way… that the choices that Suguru laid on you are different… that you pick him over his best friend.

“I’m sorry…” you say in a low voice wiping your tear. “As much as I want to do it again, I can’t. I really can’t put you in the worst feeling possible.” Satoru takes your hand, gently squeezing it as he gazes at you with no pretension of his desires. “To hell with what I feel if, in return, is your warmth radiating upon me.”

“Silly. You have done enough, I think I should be on my own now.”

“She’s so bubbly; even her laughs are infectious. Damn, if you could only see how she makes those ugly laughs with those features.” “Then, take me.” “Huh?” “Take all of me; anywhere you go, I want to be there too. It can be in your imagination, thoughts, or the smallest things - take me wherever you go. I want to see what you see, dive into your thoughts, and carve everything in my mind, the pieces of you.” Desperation occurs when a person feels like he’s losing all his cards; at this very moment, Satoru has given up every ace he has. As much as he wants to deny it, he feels envious of his best friend, for Suguru saw the different puzzles of your identity, and Satoru has longed to witness all of it since the moment he saved you from the curses. “That some sick joke, you bastard.” “It’s just a hypothetical situation; come on. If I die, I want you to take her hand and lift her sorrows because I can’t do it.” “Sa-Satoru… wh-what d-do y-” He takes your hand, leaning against your forehead with a deep breath; he speaks…

“Date me.”

fin.

[chaotic-on-main]

Who Could Leave Me? | ModernAU One-Shot

☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x gn!Reader

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ angst, death, funeral, depression, if you squint really hard there's comfort? but mainly all hurt, alcohol mentions

☾ Author's note ➼ I'm actively going through my abandonment triggers and what better way to explore my emotions than to write about it. Betrayal, being left behind. They're the same thing to my ill brain. Anyways, I'm so sorry for the hurt I'm about to spring on y'all but I hope you'll forgive me. Now, back to my summer commissions and UW!

☾ Word Count ➼ ~2.5k

☾ Songs I listened to while writing:

Betrayal was nothing new to you. Being left behind was just the same. But when you’re left behind and betrayed at the same time, that’s a whole new feeling. Especially when it came from someone you trusted.

But it wasn’t your fault, was it?

Your name floats by in a whisper, a voice you know all too well.

You wake up with a start and a pounding headache. The autumnal sunrise filters through your sheer curtains in light blue hues, illuminating the room enough to see the outlines of the mess around you. You’re on your stomach, face half buried in a pillow with your arm splayed out on the other side of the bed. Your fingers curl up in the empty space.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe if you go back to sleep, you’ll wake up and everything will make sense again, you tell yourself.

What a stupid thought, you tell yourself.

Rolling onto your back, you stare up at the dark ceiling. It didn’t matter how much you tried to slow time down, today came anyway. You weren’t ready. So, you stay in bed until the blue turns into oranges and finally yellows.

What time was it anyways? Then again, why did it matter? You didn’t care.

“Love?” You hear whispered from the other side of your door. It’s Hange, a mutual friend you met a while back. They stayed over last night no doubt to make sure you didn’t drink yourself into oblivion. It didn’t work, but you vaguely remember them checking in on you every hour, so you imagine that was enough for them.

They knock softly against the wood.

“I’m going to step out to get some preparations ready. I’ll be back in a couple hours to pick you up. Try to be ready by then, okay?” You turn your head at their voice and spot their shadow in the slit of the door. After a minute of silence from you, the shadow slips away. The sound of the front door closing reverberates through the house and then it’s silent again.

The hours that proceeded were spent in a catatonic state. Your wide eyes stayed glued to the ceiling, not a single thought floating by. You suppose that wasn’t a bad thing. You’re not sure how long it had been, but another soft knock echoes through your room eventually.

“You’re still in bed, aren’t you?” It’s Hange again. They sound tired. “I’m coming in.”

You roll on your side so you’re facing your friend as they step into your room with a squeak of the door. An onyx pantsuit drapes over Hange’s tall frame, their rectangular spectacles glinting off the only source of light in the room – the afternoon sun.

 “I knew you’d have trouble getting up.” They make their way over to you. Grabbing your blankets, they pull it all the back so that you’re exposed to the chill in the room. It makes you groan in displeasure, but you let it happen anyways.

They pull you out of bed with a ‘hup!’ and lead you into the connected bathroom, you follow with shuffling feet. Despite the sun being out and being under baggy long sleeves, the air is still cold so goosebumps pop up everywhere along your arms and legs.

They release your arm, leaving you in the middle of the bathroom as they zoom around you. The bath faucet is on in mere seconds and as the tub fills, they grab a few towels from the linen closet.

It’s weird because you watch all of this happening but for some reason, none of it is comprehending in your brain. It’s all a blur as they strip you down, lead you to the bath, and help you in. Before you know it, you’re half sunken and leaning all the way back, only your nose and up sits above the steamy water.

“You know, Levi had to help me with this in college, too.” Hange whispers behind you as they massage shampoo into your hair. It smells like roses. You hum back softly, not really sure how to respond.

Levi’s name doesn’t hurt you as much as you thought it would, but you’re not certain if that’s a good or bad thing. Everything feels numb, even the hot water that felt like it should be stinging against your skin.

“It kind of feels like the passing of torches, you know?” They chuckle quietly at the nostalgia.

The rest of the bath passes by. Rinsing off when asked, getting out when told, holding still when Hange dried you gently with a towel. Staying when Hange tells you to wait as they go grab the clothes that they had set out for you to wear today. You were a robot awaiting orders and nothing else.

Hange adorns your body with a simple long sleeve black dress. It goes down to your knees and the rest is covered by fleece leggings and warm socks. Eventually, they drag you out to the bedroom and sit you down while they lace up your boots. This is all done in silence, though you don’t miss the looks Hange gives you.

They’re the same looks that everyone has given you since the incident. Like you’re fragile and ready to break at any time. Though, you guess you can’t fault them for that. Your actions the last few weeks haven’t told otherwise.

“Hey,” Hange whispers down to you, and you shift your gaze up to their light brown eyes, full of sadness. “Did you…?” They hold out a ring to you.

It’s simple. Silver, studded with a handful of diamonds. You can’t see it, but engraved on the inside is the word ‘yours’ in Levi’s neat handwriting. A wedding band.

You reach out hesitantly, hand shaking as you take it as if you were afraid it might crumble on contact. With those same shaky fingers, you slip it on your left ring finger. It had been a bit since you last wore it, but like a bike you find familiarity with it again. Only this time, it feels heavier than ever.

“Are you ready to go?” Hange holds their hand out to you with a small smile.

.

It starts raining as soon as you both leave the house, heavy clouds eclipsing the sun for the rest of the day. Perfect for a funeral.

Outside of the warm tent, gentle but cold raindrops splash on the trees above and trickle down to the white plastic and onto the muddy ground. With the overcast of stormy clouds, the day is cold. It’s almost fitting, like a movie you’ve seen a million times. And you were the main character. It would make you laugh if you weren’t so drained.

As they call your name to wrap the service up with a eulogy, you feel your heartbeat quicken. You had requested to have it last as it was a job put on you and you wanted to push it off as much as possible. But your pulse racing isn’t from nerves, it’s from anger. Sadness. Frustration. Like a fissure in a dam, realization comes to you.

You can’t do this. How could he do this to you?

Your feet are running before you know it. Out the tent and up the hill into the enclosure of the forest that lines the cemetery. You don’t stop until you feel someone grabbing your wrist tightly and holding you back. It’s a strong grip from a warm hand.

“Le-?” You turn around and almost slip on the leaf littered floor.

Standing in front of you is a man about a foot taller, blond undercut and misty blue eyes that stare hard at you. Erwin Smith, Levi’s closest friend – Levi would always deny being called best friends, something you always teased him with.

“You can’t keep hiding and running from the truth.” He says gently. Downturned eyes and a frown to match, he gives you the same look everyone else is giving.

“Stop looking at me like that.” These are the first words you’ve said aloud in a few weeks. Your voice comes out scratchy and it hurts.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m just going to break down at a drop of a hat.”

“Maybe you need to. Have you even cried yet?”

“I don’t want to cry.”

“Maybe you should.”

You narrow your eyes at him. You haven’t seen him in about a month, but he was always a good confidant so to say that your high walls weren’t about to crumble down would be a lie. That fissure is growing with every second he stares at you.

“Erwin, why are you here?”

“I’m here to celebrate the life of my friend, same as everyone else. We’re all upset, too. We need you just as much as you need us.” His grip tightens on you. The rain is coming down harder and you start feeling the cold seep through your clothes and into your bones. You notice Erwin’s usual combed back hair is now in his face, dripping water into his eyes.  

There’s silence as you try to figure out what to say. That was the problem, wasn’t it? Your eulogy sits half finished on your dresser because you had no idea what to say.

What was even appropriate for others to hear? What would be selfish and what wouldn’t be? You suppose it’s all considerably selfish. The one who could call you out on your shit effectively isn’t here.

A low roll of thunder rumbles from above as you face off with him.

“There’s nothing to celebrate.” You mumble.

“You don’t me-“

“He’s not here, Erwin! He left me!” You feel your voice rising with every syllable. He opens his mouth to say something else but now that you’ve found your voice, you can’t stop the word vomit.

“He chose to go back into that building because of who he is. And I hate him for it! How could he do that to me?? Didn’t he think about me?” A sob racks in your chest, and it takes a moment to catch your breath so as to not choke. The water streaming down your face turns warm and you can practically taste the salt of your more-than-late tears as you continue on.

“What it would mean for him leaving me? Nothing feels right anymore, nothing feels like home because he was my home. He promised he’d be around for as long as I wanted him. But I still want him!” Erwin pulls you into his chest and holds you close as you start sobbing harder. They rip out of your throat just like the words you shout, voice becoming hoarse with every line. You don’t fight his vice grip. But you don’t stop either.

“I said I would always follow his lead. But why did he have to go somewhere where I can’t follow. He left me behind. He said he never would and he did it anyway. I hate him so much. I hate him for making me love him and then leaving me like this. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” You trail off, losing yourself in the cries of your pain. Everything hurts as you shake - the only thing holding you together is Erwin’s tight embrace.

The rain pours around you two as you continue to weep into Erwin’s drenched suit. He doesn’t say anything, only placing his hand on top of your head and holding you closer.  

“I don’t know what I could say to help, truthfully. But I know that Levi wouldn’t ever want you to feel this way.” He says finally, his voice rumbling deep in his chest. “Terrible things happen, and they can’t be explained. But it’s no one’s fault, not even his. It’s easy to point the blame, but sometimes there isn't anything to blame.”

“That’s not good enough, Erwin.” You mutter in between hitched breaths.

“I know, especially not now. But it will get easier. You need to be more patient with yourself. And be kind.” He whispers down to you, a hand rubbing up and down your back as he talks.

Erwin stays with you until you can breathe again. He offered to take over the eulogy for you, which you gladly accepted. You didn’t even show up to the rest of the funeral, instead opting to sit in Hange’s car until they came for you and drove you home in silence.

.

A few weeks had passed since Levi’s service. At Erwin’s request, you had been more patient with yourself in that time. Of course, none of it was easier - but you weren’t running anymore. With shaky resolve, you were able to bring yourself down to the cemetery.

You twist your wedding band in between two fingers as you walk down the path to where your late husband rests. Your heart feels like it’s about to explode in anticipation. You hadn’t seen the tombstone that Hange helped pick out, so when your eyes finally fall on it, it’s enough to make you stop in your tracks.

Levi Ackerman

Dec. 25th 1983 – Oct. 17th 2023

“The only thing we’re allowed to do is believe that we won’t regret the choice we made.”

He often said to live your life with no regrets. The thing that has been gnawing at you finally comes to you in a new light. Levi wasn’t the type to do anything without thinking. He knew the risks, and you knew the risks of loving him.

Your feet stumble over the soft grass, and you lean down to place a small bouquet of flowers onto the fresh dirt. There’s a layer of permafrost from this morning, just barely starting to melt. Today is warm with the sun out, but that doesn’t stop the fog of breath that comes out with every spoken word.

“I’m sorry for everything I said, Levi. I’m not mad anymore. I just miss you so much.” You sit yourself down carefully, facing the tombstone.

There’s no answer, of course. The only thing you hear is the whistling of the cold wind blowing through the almost empty trees that came with this time of year. You tuck your chin into the scarf wrapped around your neck. It still smells like Levi – clean laundry and pine.

“I don’t want to be here if you’re not. I see you everywhere.” Your words start to choke again. The day of the funeral made that dam within you break open and since then, you find yourself to be more vulnerable. More fragile, like everyone expected. “And I can’t pretend that it’s okay when it’s not. But I’ll try for you, because I know that’s what you’d want.” You whisper, silent tears streaking down your face into the scarf as you shudder.

“I love you. And I will see you again.”

-> Taglist: @humanitys-strongest-bamf @sckerman @nube55 @notgoodforlife @kingkonoha @missyasma @highgoon69 @elsasarahi @kamyru @eriellaa @genyastolemyheart @jadam724 @sujiroses @levisversion @apolloshaiku @secretmoneybearvoid @romantichomicide95 @elnyrae @dkbktk420 @icansmellsouls @levis-squishy-cheeks @missamity @roseofdarknessblog @youre-ackermine @averysmolbear

If you'd like to join my taglist, please go here! (also if you had multichapter fics marked or would be interested in my JJK content, please go back into your answers and recheck them! I fucked up and didn't realize if I changed the answers, it would uncheck things lmao oops)

[sinkingnotsoslowly]

A song about you

Pairing: Gender-neutral reader x Han Jisung

Warnings: angst, fluff, coffee shop au

DO NOT STEAL MY WORK. REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED.

masterlist

Autumn's sighs- little soft thoughts about our favourite boys

It felt like he was running for ages. From his nightmares, the ones in his sleep and also the ones he could see with his eyes open. He was so tired now, ready to drop any moment.

It felt like a loop; waking up, going to the studio and sitting staring into space waiting for the ideas till the end of the day and then going back home at 4 a.m. without getting anything done. And then again, the same thing the next day. He kept listening to songs- depressing, cheerful, anything just to feel something. And yet he felt nothing except empty. Burnout? Depression? He wasn’t sure. He just wanted an out.

Even coming back home didn’t bring him relief. The people around him whom he considered home, didn’t give him any comfort either. The little café he had hunted down didn’t feel like his safe place anymore. But he couldn’t stop going there, it had become a part of his routine. Every other day he would go there, sit in a corner, staring outside, hoping something would catch his eye.

But what finally caught his eye was something inside the café. Specifically, someone’s laugh. A new part-timer, didn’t look much younger than him. Maybe a college student. You were laughing at something your co-worker had said. Usually, it would have been inaudible during the bustling hours but it was almost closing time. Only a few others like himself were still sitting, absorbed in their own world.

You were a sight to hold. Even though it was late and you looked tired, you seemed happy. Jisung wondered if something good had happened to you that day or if it was just your personality. His eyes kept following you till you left after your shift. Soon after Jisung went back to the studio. And for the first time in what seemed like forever, he started writing some lyrics, all the while thinking about you.   

Jisung wondered what was going on in your mind as you stared into space. Your shift had just started. There weren’t too many people today because of the rain. But obviously, Han Jisung was there, how could he not come back to you for more lyrics. He had his laptop opened in front of him, hoping something would come up in his mind. But he wasn’t even thinking about writing anything. He was lost staring at you staring into space. How alluring he thought.  He did write some more that day, only after returning to his studio. And just like that, he had made a whole song about you in four days.

Currently, he was standing outside the café debating if he should tell you about his stalker behaviour. Although he felt it was justified since it was for music. He wanted to see your reaction after hearing what he wrote about you. Do you ever think of yourself like that? Like someone’s safe haven? He couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever get the chance to be your haven, hold each other close even when the whole world was crashing down.

“Did you know you stare at me a whole lot?”, Jisung looked up to see you looking at him with an amused glint. “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you have a crush on me”, you said as you gave him back his card. “I actually do”, Jisung didn’t know what possessed him to say that. Maybe after all these days of only staring he was finally exasperated with himself. And he was thankful he said that because that gave him a sight of your pink-tinted cheeks. “So were you only planning to stare?”, Jisung grimaced. He was caught off-guard at your boldness even when you were flustered. A little embarrassed he decided to cut to the chase. “If you say yes to a date then maybe I can show you what else I did besides stare”.

[youremyheaven]

For anyone who's starting or want to how the ketu dasha will be , here's my experience cuz I just finished it a week ago

Born in Saturn MD ( alot of health problems my parents were worried that if I can even make it to the next day doctors gave an ultimatum about me living only for 13 yrs but hey I'm still thriving I'll be 26 this year) . I have a debilitated retro Saturn in 4th 😬

Teenage in mercury MD - alot of confusion, crushes left right , conservative in my approach towards guys , I was basically an air head 🙂 , no strong ambitions or goals but was above average in my studies, fear of abandonment, a super crazy girl wanting a lot of attention from my friends n teachers , I was friends with all but as they say " a friend for all is a friend for none." I had some awesome memories and some sad ones that's life . I don't know why I listened to my elder cousin who was going through some rough times say " every personal decision regarding your life please try to take it after you turn 20/21 yrs " I could've ignored it but it stuck with me ever since and I'm glad I did. My mercury is retrograde in ashlesha btw , even I had a dream that one day I'll marry a good man have lots of children like 6 of which 3 will be the one's I give birth to other 3 will be adopted and we live in a suburban house filled with laughter and happiness with a dog will all my 6 babies oh my! I still smile and feel for my younger naive self but anyway. I cherish my younger self so much and I listen to this song that I dedicate to her is 'so my darling by Rachel chinouriri ' I imagine myself singing this to her who will always be there and I'll be there for her always.

Young adult to Adulthood in ketu MD 😅 for a nodal girlie - depression, lost interest in studies, some how got myself out of it for the sake of my parents who are worried and couldn't do anything about ( I'm so sorry mom & dad , you did what you could . Thankyou for staying patient with me🥹🙏😇) , my father got me an admit in a university which was close to my house , made friends ( found my bestie ) , full of energy, got good marks , garnered attention towards me ( in my university all the faculty still knows my name ) , got into makeup n fashion but would feel empty even when I'm dolled up it was just a momentary happiness and poof!! , out of the blue my bestie one day eloped her longtime bf who's a member of some gang and she faced a lot of hardships, she got to know true side of him and wanted out . After 3 months she contacted me and it took me three days to make her sense n comeback home to her parents who were devastated. Fast forward She's good now 😁 , during my final year I failed almost all my subjects it broke me , later I cleared all of them, family quarrels, I got a complete makeover cut my hair short , got a ton of piercings, got into spirituality , almost lost my father to COVID and my grannies to brain stroke but THANK GOD! Both of them are doing well, shaved my head twice , took all of my piercings out , had an Outer body experience, got into astrology , my father was bankrupt, we lost everything, my granny had a second stroke and hip replacement surgery and now she's completely bedridden and I've been taking care of her 24/7 for 2 yrs , my dad left the house without any information, I'm clearing his debts ,my mom n me are barely make it happen, lost my hope & faith, diagnosed with BPD ,lost interest in men & dating & anything related to love , got rejected 3 times while trying to go abroad to work , got myself out of too much of spirituality, religious things like I was way too deep that I lost myself etc later I understood BALANCE IS THE KEY .

I always remind myself that I'm here on this plane just for my HUMAN EXPERIENCE. so be it . No god , no devil , no right , no wrong , NO more black & white thinking. faith is an important aspect of living it doesn't have to be a god , it could be in you. That's what I did .

Now I'm at a state where nothing phases me anymore. If I get an obstacle or any kind of hindrance on my path I don't cry (too much just a little) but I try to look for the best possible solution and work on it ASAP.

So , this is what I've gone through . So many lessons and many more to come 😁 currently in my VENUS MD

You're soooo strong and sooo resilient 🫶🏼 I admire your tenacity sooo much. I feel like we all live such complex lives and experience such highs and lows that it wouldn't make sense to someone looking from the outside. You've lived 20 different lives already and you've moved through them with grace. I hope going forward you have more prosperous times and make a lot of happy memories 🫶🏼

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I hope your words comfort and inspire others 🫶🏼

[dancing-to-architecture]

34 - The Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

THE album that got me through high school.

No joke, there was a week in my life, i want to say Junior year, where i listened to the song "1979" *at least* a hundred times. I most certainly hung down with the freaks and ghouls.

Also, this is a Double Album, so buckle in, because this is gonna be a *long* one.

(editing afterwards: yeah, it took me over a week to get through. Who'd have figured this one would have some pretty heavy shit associated with it that would put me in a really bad headspace for a while?)

Actually cutting this one, because I'm not THAT much of an asshole.

[Dawn to Dusk]

•Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness-

Such a simple little piano piece, but so pretty, and then the other layers start coming in and it continues to ascend. Up there on my all-time favorite intro tracks list.

•Tonight, Tonight-

The song that made me want to be a drummer. Jimmy Chamberlain beats the shit out of his drum set all towards the end of this one, but in a way that almost feels...polite.

The violins and cello soar throughout the entirety, this song really wouldn't be as amazing without them.

Regardless of how you may feel about Billy Corgan's voice, if these lyrics don't resonate with you, then congratulations on being the happiest person to exist.

The longing, the wanting to be wanted, the dread of the possibility of misplaced hope, the terror that these might be the best days of your life, but you won't notice until much, much later...

Now, if only we could get on with that "crucifying the insincere" business.

•Jellybelly-

This riff is a fucking killer.

I've always associated this one with optimistic nihilism. Everything's fucked, we're trapped in the belly of the beast, there's no way out, but there's nothing stopping us from doing whatever we want *because* nothing matters.

•Zero-

The bass line to end all bass lines.

More nihilism, but much less optimistic this time. More of a "she's here and she makes me happy and that's literally the only thing in the world that matters at this point" vibe.

•Here Is No Why-

The malaise of the star. Rich and famous and a household name and utterly, utterly depressed. I might be*the only one* who thinks this, but i kinda always saw this song as a kind of weird goodbye ode to Kurt Cobain, who's basically the poster boy for 'rock stars who never, ever wanted to actually be famous'.

•Bullet With Butterfly Wings-

Show me a better opening line than "The world is a vampire, sent to drain."

I used to like this song a lot more as a teenager than i do nowadays, likely because at this point it feels like: "what are you rebelling against?" "What do you got?!"

Just lashing out at anyone and anything, but ultimately it really doesn't matter and was a waste of time, effort, and anger. You're still just a rat in a cage.

•To Forgive-

A lot more chill musically after Bullet, but the lyrics are way harsher, talking about loss and pain and childhood trauma.

"I sensed my loss, before i even learned to talk.

And i remember my birthdays,

Empty party afternoons won't come back."

We moved *a lot* when i was a kid (5 schools in 6 years), so i was always the New Kid, Weird Kid, don't talk to him, we don't know him, shun him and maybe he'll leave.

This one always hit me hard.

•Fuck You (An Ode To No One)-

Back to the heavy riffs, back to angry Billy.

The constant New Kid finally hits high school and hasn't moved again, and he hates everybody because everybody hated him for years, but he hates himself the most because he simply cannot leave.

"Destroy the mind, destroy the body, but you cannot destroy the heart.

I don't need your love to disconnect."

•Love-

Fun fact: the guitar is so fuzzy and distorted that the first time i heard this song i thought my headphones had just broken.

Possibly Billy at his most nasal.

Last song i screamed that i didn't *need* your love, but that doesn't mean that i don't *want* it.

The heavily distorted guitar tones sound great throughout the song, but the solo rules.

•Cupid de Locke-

When i say "i love strings in rock music", I'm typically referring to the violin or the cello, (or the double bass if you're TRULY nasty), but i have to say that the harp is a truly underrated instrument these days: incredibly pretty, but incredibly difficult to play well, and it's played so well here.

The lyrics kinda feel like Billy tried his hand at some Shakespeare, and it mostly works.

•Galapogos-

This one hits me a lot harder now than it did when I was a kid, but who could expect a fifteen year old to really get a line like: "and tell me, am i still the man I'm supposed to be?"

But now? That line really resonates with the layers of self-doubt and revulsion that i have utilized as armor for the last 20 or so years, not to mention the more modern confusion and realization regarding things like gender and sexuality.

"And should i fall from grace, here with you,

Will you leave me, too?"

•Muzzle-

And the first line of this one continues the feeling of inadequacy from the last song:

"I fear that i am ordinary, just like everyone."

Without trauma-dumping, lemme just say this one hits close to home.

"I know that i am meant for this world."

Another one where Jimmy is beating the absolute shit out of those drums.

The end of it just feels like the prettiest, nicest ego-annihilating trip ever, to be honest.

•Porcelina of the Vast Oceans-

This intro is so pretty, but it's also interminably slow.

This was honestly one i usually skipped back in the day.

Billy is just being really extra Billy through most of the verses, and though James, D'arcy and Jimmy go ham throughout at least half of the 9 whole damn minutes of it, it's not quite enough to save us from Billy's poetry.

(My phone autocorrected that last word to pussy and you will not BELIEVE the strength it took to fix it.)

And then, an equally long outro and we're almost *halfway* done!

•Take Me Down-

I was always in love with James Iha's voice.

A ver sweet little song, almost a lullaby. If you have never felt like this, i feel bad for you.

Man, i just don't like that last line though.

[Twilight to Starlight]

•Where Boys Fear To Tread-

I LOVE this whole intro. What a great way to start the second half of the album. Doom_barrel_explosion.wav usage and everything. WAKE THE FUCK BACK UP.

This one IS heavy enough to save us from Billy's poetry.

•Bodies-

•Thirty-Three-

One my favorite Smashing Pumpkins songs, though like The List, mutable positioning is always involved.

Certainly one of the prettiest, imo.

This one is really tied with 1979 for "lyrics that could be a chapter from my biography", just... Very different chapters.

•In The Arms Of Sleep-

No joke: the title is correct. This was on a sleep-themed mix CD i had back in the day, just to have music on but nothing that would be too jarring.

Which is really selling this one short, because it's mellow but gorgeous.

•1979-

A song i have literally done speeches about. One of my all-time favorite songs.

One of my favorite music videos. This song is "high school". It's "adolescence", in all of its ups and downs and confusion and depression and (possible, occasional) glory.

•Tales Of A Scorched Earth-

This might be one of the hardest intros on this whole damn album, possibly one of e heaviest songs overall.

Angry Billy at his best, imo. This song is so fucking mad at everyone.

•Thru The Eyes Of Ruby-

I always figured this was about commitment anxiety, especially with the lines with marriage symbolism.

Really cool instrumentation that gets harder as it goes.

•Stumbeline-

Funny thing, the last song was 7 minutes long, but this one FEELS 7 minutes long. Acoustic strumming and more of Billy's poetry. There are some good lines in this one, but a lot of not great ones. 🤷

•X.Y.U.-

Another rather heavy song with some pretty dark lyrics.

And i apologize for an earlier mistake, THIS is the heaviest song on this album.

I liked this one more when i was a kid, but that was also when i was really into nu-metal, so...

•We Only Come Out At Night-

So, i have spent quite a few years working in the arena of late-night pizza, as well as made attempts at being some kind of warrior/poet, and this song feels incredibly accurate to large parts of my life.

"It's goofy, but i love it anyway." -how i feel about this song, also, words my wife has likely said about me.

•Beautiful-

This sounds like the kind of song that might get accidentally played at a wedding because they only half-heard half of the lyrics and didn't realize it's about a stalker.

•Lily (My One And Only)-

One of the better-written songs about a Peeping Tom, in that by the time you realize what's actually going on in the song, it's already almost over.

•By Starlight-

I really like this one overall, but the dead eyes parts makes me think of Jaws. (Dead eyes, like a doll's eyes...)

Did...did Billy fall in love with a shark?

•Farewell and Goodnight-

Another almost lullaby song, and it's really nice and peaceful with the whooshing noises and hand drumming throughout.

More of James singing is always nice, and D'arcy has a pretty voice as well. Man, i forgot how much i liked this one, and the return of the leitmotif in the very first song is such a nice closing to the album, very circular.

Okay... this album has taken me DAYS to get through (thanks ADHD) and it's finally done. Now... to power through the backlog.

Okay, Spotify, this album is long enough already, do we really need the super hyper deluxe edition with 4 ½ extra *hours* of demos, other takes or arrangements?

Who wants this? How often is any of it actually listened to by humans? Why the fuck can't i just listen to the regular, no frills, no demos, standard-ass version of this album?

Gripes with corporations aside, this is on my top 20 all-time favorite albums list.

(Do not ask to see the list, manifesting the concrete existence of the list is like nailing down your shadow.)

For better or worse, this album had a hand in shaping my adolescence.

It's safe to say that i might have been a better person overall during my 20s had i never heard this album.

There are some songs on it that are very likely to be going through my head on my deathbed. I will carry this album with me for the rest of my life.

Which is why it is sucks that Billy Corgan is such an asshole! In this TED Talk i....

[brainpoo]

Some things i want to have in my show in the future

Self note lol

-Like toh, gf, su.... , have an interesting design for characters exa: hunter, he has many iconic things and even without some of them he's still very recognizable, if i see some cosplayer with a wig like him, i can get it, if i see the scar and ear, i can get it, thing like that (also luz, if you have the shirt it's easy to understand who and dipper with the hat and jacket). There are shows whose characters only wear regular empty t-shirt and jeans, at LEAST have an interesting, eye catching print on it.

- also like toh, have the animation on regular 12 pfs and when getting into an important scene/fight make it more smooth and emphasize on the animation (like older 2D movies, with the very clear line of action), i LOVE to see smooth awesome animation but if it's done all the time it can take from the story, in rottmnt and lmk the animation is incredible all the time, and to cut enough to stay on budget they can use simple movement for a comical effect, which is fun but it make the world less believable, it make you more aware that you watch a show and not more of a story, it's a great method for certain shows but not really what i want to make one day, i want to make the world the characters are more real then having character teleport smoothly to the other side of the room or ninja-ey become cardboard and move their whole body in the air multiple times and create their own leverage out of nothing, cool and fun to watch, but to distracting and unless the character is specific otherwise to be able to do it (like invincible) unrealistic to the world.

So i think my favourite way of action is to use the budget wisely, having (even if a standard) a cool animation and when needed push for more to really have a cool impact on the audience (and you can use it to prepare them for what about to happen and pre-hype them while watching (like the possessed hunter fight, it became smooth before they started)).

-have in the background somehow just putting Alex Hirsch, Rebecca Sugar and Dana Terrace (can be changed in the future, for now it's the little list i got) in some conversation, like just sitting in a coffee shop or something, it's always fun seeing these little references in shows and in the future someday when i make the show, who knows, maybe some random YouTube video will acknowledge it and make some random watcher to check out the shows i hold so dearly in my heart, which will be beyond cool

-sneak in all sorts of things ppl will learn from, things that aren't necessarily very important but can help or just have this interesting bit of information in ppls head

-if possible, have it with songs, till this day i listen to the su soundtrack and hold back tears in some songs, but even without them i still have flashbacks of lines that changed the way i looked at some things, there are also Tumblr posts that can do it (exa: "everything worth doing is worth doing poorly" ,i saw it while at a random depressing school zoom two years ago and it got me to open my window and get some sunlight at least, after days of not caring enough to open and just use the lights)

If not, then have a musical episode, I don't care what have to happen to get it BUT I WILL- Otherwise the fandom will probably make one lol, but really, every shows i see with good songs always make it more relevant to me later, cus i can listen to it over and over again and it can help me still think about it no matter how long ago it was (@/nickolodean release the rise soundtrack i want it on spotify)

-make sure it's visible to see the affects of actions on the characters, in amphibia after Marcy was stabbed and presumed dead, Ann show almost nothing about it, the only ref to it was when her mom "stabbed" her and then they just laugh it off and kept going, without at least a weird look after or any other acknowledgment in it.

On the other hand not over do it, like in toh when luz found out Belos is Philip and she helped him, good okay, but it was wayyyy over done, a complete collapse?? It totally threw me off and get me out of the episode watching, it was so strange and too much from the character, it wasn't fully earned. (Unlike Hunter's, that made sense and his reactment to it was on point)

-characters in all shapes and colours, cus people are just people (Tumblr post: "it's not forced diversity, people just exist")

- someone that use they/them/other pronounce and is HUMAN, I'm very happy it's possible and is happening that in "kids" cartoons there are presentations of non-binary and other characters, but most of them are non human, almost all the examples i can think of are (Double Trouble, Rain Whispers...), Thought they are in a fantasy world and there are other creatures beside Humans, it's almost only that which still exclude a little in a way

(btw my first experience with a different pronounce was in steven universe future, with Shep, me and my friends after the episode came out asked if anyone understood if they were a boy or a girl, only later i understood what it was, so even if it'll not be possible to have a main character with different pronounce, have a character like that can make kids ask questions and find out more about the other options out there that can maybe suits them better)

- I wish for whatever show I'll make the crow and i will have the time to tell the story we want to, so many good shows got cut off for stupid reasons and that stings my heart, I'm very sceard from that but hope for the best, i really hope my show will find a good home to take flight in and worst case scenario self produce it, helluva boss is a major success and hazbin hotel was picked up after just a hit pilot.

- regardless of the show, I'm very called to be a storytime animation YouTuber, for the past 5 years i thought of it and i hope someday in the future I'll have the courage to start it properly, cus i truly feel like i can do it and have an audience based of what i see other people do and i want to anyway, hopefully I'll start it finally sometime and when the show will start i could have a pre-push for it

[imaginesbymonika]

Confessional Cam

Chapter 6

Pairing: Chris Pontius × fem!Reader

Plot: Y/N and Chris have been hooking up with each other for months now. And the young woman was convinced that they both weren't catching feelings until a confession caught on tape changes everything.

Warnings: Swearing and angst

masterlist | previous chapter

song to listen to while reading:

Y/N disregarded Chris for most of the flight and drive back to the city.

Luckily for her, her apartment was the first one they passed, so she was able to shortly escape the whole situation.

And she wasn’t seen or heard from for the rest of the week. The days went by and Chris thought about calling her up, asking her how she was feeling and if there was anything he could do. But he already knew the answer, so he didn’t.

The weekend came along and on Friday evening Johnny called him up. “The viewing party is this Sunday, remember to be there in time.“, he sounded enthusiastic, and usually Chris would have been too. “Yeah, I’ll be there by six. Don't worry.“

When he arrived at his friend's place a couple of days later it was crowded. People he had never seen before, who were greeting him like old friends were sitting on the floor or the couch while the huge tv was already on. His eyes were searching the room, but when he didn’t find Y/N the emptiness in his stomach only grew.

“Chris!”, a voice suddenly called out to him, and when he turns around he notices Stephanie making her way towards him, pushing people away in the process. He furrows his eyebrows and sees from the corner of his eye how Knoxville steps on a stool.

“Can I get everyone’s attention?!” The people around him cheer happily:” In a couple of minutes you will see a brand new episode of the Confessional Cam-.”

When Stephanie reaches him, she snatches him by the shoulders:” No matter what you are going to see, you have to watch the whole thing! Promise me- promise me you’ll watch the full tape.“ “Where is she?!”, Chris inquires, his voice growing louder. The Jackass’ theme song starts to play in the background, and the crowd once again goes wild.

But Stephanie doesn’t answer, instead, a depressing expression decorates her face and she holds on to his hand:” Promise me, you’ll stay until the end.” He nods. If the hole in his stomach could grow a couple of more inches then it would presumably swallow him up whole. He wouldn’t mind that.

“Hello.”, Jeff’s voice unexpectedly appears and Chris turns around:” And welcome to a very different Jackass episode, probably even more unique than any other vacation episode. When I first saw the tapes, I originally wasn’t that stunned. Because with the guys it’s primarily the same type of drama every time. Steveo pukes on someone and then gets involved in some bizarre fight-.”

It cuts to Steve-O jumping up and down the bed. : “And then he did this.”. He makes a jump and punches the air a couple of times. “While I did this in return.”, he jumps up and down and acts as if he dodges imaginary fists. But judging by the dried blood on his upper lip and t-shirt, he hasn't been able to dodge every punch that came his way.

“And Johnny would have his little dress-up sessions-“

The next thing that appears on the big screen is a topless Knoxville standing in front of the mirror. He turns to look at the camera. Clearly intoxicated. “I bought this because this- this nice lady claimed that it made my skin color ‘pop’. Does it?! Does it ‘pop’ my skin?! Was this Lucille woman right?!”

“But then.”, Jim says and leans back in his chair:” I came across three very interesting tapes. One from Chris and two from Y/N. And while I was watching them I-.” He stops and shakes his head:” I don’t want to tell you too much. Just watch. I call this one: ‘The Lovers’.”

Then the screen goes dark and Chris feels how Stephanie’s grip on his hand tightened while he just knows that his friends are watching him. In a matter of seconds, his secret with Y/N would be out in the open. For everyone in the world to judge.

“Well.”, a very much intoxicated Y/N appeared on the screen. She was giggling, while she held onto someone’s hand. Chris feels how his heart shatters into a million pieces. “I want everyone to meet Daniel.”

[just-a-quirkless-loser]

Invective Pain

Alpha Bakugou x F!Omega Reader

Words: 2.4k

Requested by: @goatsenpaiultimate

Hehe, sorry for the wait you guys. It’s been a rough few weeks for me. Also, the song ‘Butterfly’s Repose’ by Zabawa is amazing to listen to while you read this💜

Warnings: harsh language, Bakugou being an asshole, angst

“Get the fuck off me.”

“Alpha, please.”

“I said, get off. What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve been too clingy,” you prove his point and cling to his arm.

“I miss you,” you try to nuzzle his neck so he can scent you. With your wolf quirk, it was getting harder and harder to stay away from Bakugou for long periods of time. Your instincts were on hyperdrive, always wanting him within your reach so you knew he was safe.

“Don’t you understand what ‘no’ means?” Bakugou tenses up as you continue trying to climb his body. Due to his inability to express himself, he’s still not used to your affections.

“I can’t help it,” you ruffle your tail to prove your point.

“Well, try harder to help it.”

“But, alpha-“

“No, I’m sick and tired of your bullshit. As soon as I come home, you want to climb all over me. I can’t even take a fucking shower,” you hunch into yourself as you take a step away from him. Looking back on it, he did have a point. You could stand to at least allow him a few moments to himself before you bombard him. But, it’s just hard on you.

Because of your quirk, you’ve always been the type to cling to people and try to protect them. You miss your parents because you considered them to be your pack but, that all changed when you met Bakugou. After a few months of dating, you moved in with Bakugou (your inner Omega told you she’d love to start her own pack with him). However, it’s been a difficult transition.

Bakugou normally takes your clinginess in stride but, it’s been hard for him lately. All he wants to do is take you underneath him and nuzzle you and treat you like a queen. But, he’s been dealing with this case. It’s been stressing him out and he’s never been the type to deal with stress in a correct way.

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck, I- FUCK! Omega. I just can’t keep doing this. You’re fucking annoying. This was a mistake. We shouldn’t have moved in together,” his words stung in your mind like a swarm of hornets, making you yelp in your mind. Although, no one would ever be able to tell your inner turmoil from the calm look on your face. Why does he have to tear you down with his words? What does he gain from your dissociation? Does it bring him satisfaction to win the argument? Even at the expense of your heart? The same heart he swore to protect when he chose you as a mate.

“I’m sorry,” and you don’t understand why. You just stand there with a blank expression, no longer feeling that your heart is safe in his hands. And, that is worse than losing an argument the two of you have.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it. I’m tired of you sticking to my fucking side like a toddler. You’re always hovering over me. I need space,” you intend to give him all the space he needs. “Selfish extra.”

He doesn’t know what his words do to you as he goes to the room you share, bumping you out of his way. You want to cry, you want to chirp, you want to-to-die; without him-without your alpha- what is there to live for?

Your omega crawls to your heart, shriveling up like a raisin as if your soul has been sucked by a vacuum. You feel your heart drop; the first sign of Omega Depression and you don’t tell Katsuki. How can you?

He made it clear how bothersome you were in his life. You never meant to be a burden to him. All you wanted to do was love him and give him the love he lacked from his teenage years. But, it’s transparent that you’re not wanted by the person your soul has imprinted upon.

You sit on the couch, staring into nothingness. What did you do wrong? What was so wrong with wanting to love him? You feel weak. Maybe if Katsuki had someone stronger, someone who could take his invective words in stride, he’d be happier.

As you wallow in your own pain, Katsuki is upstairs taking a shower. Part of him feels relieved to finally have some space to himself and the other scolds him for what said; he barely remembers what he said to you exactly. All he knows that your face is blank so, he assumes it’s not too bad since you weren’t crying.

He walks out of the shower expecting to see you but, he’s greeted with an empty bed. He figures you just want space to be angry so, he lets you stay downstairs.

‘It’ll be fine tomorrow,’ it won’t. As he dozes off to that thought, you were downstairs stuck in your mind. It's your fault for always forgiving him after he’s verbally ruined you You just thought your love for him outweighed anything he said to you. But, your unconditional love has reached its limit.

You wait till he falls asleep before you break the facade (you still want him to get his sleep so he can wake up healthy tomorrow). You heave and whimper as you curl into a ball on the cold living room floor. You shake from the force of your tears, tears falling like rain in the spring. You’re trying to smile to stop the tears but, your mouth ends up in a horrible grimace as you silently berate yourself. Your hands scrape at your arms, nails taking patches of your skin as a way to distract your mind. You don’t sleep that night; you don’t sleep for any of the nights that follow.

When you hear your alpha’s alarm clock sound, you climb on the couch with your face smooshed to the cushions. Katsuki follows his nightly routine, not even checking to see if you’re okay. He just gets dressed for his patrol and leaves breakfast on the table for you, kissing your hair goodbye before he leaves out the door.

You’re once again crying as you just lay there. You don’t bother to call your job to notify them of your absence. If anything, you just lay there, your tail curled around your body as if it’s protecting you from the world.

You feel useless against your heart because you know you shouldn’t have allowed Bakugou’s temper to get to this point. You had suggested therapy and anger management to him many times but, he was persistent in telling you that he had it under control. You knew he thought seeking therapy was weak (as he thinks most things are weak) but, you just wanted him to think before he spoke.

You can tell that he’s tried to do better for you and you appreciate that but, it’s not enough anymore.

This was the last straw. Not because you still don’t love him but, because you’re now in your Omega’s Depression. It’s a fairly new phenomenon. The doctors warned Omegas and Alphas that their second genders could drive them into a comatose state if the genders were met with unfavorable conditions. Your omega has started the process and you can only hope that Katsuki figures that out before it’s too late.

At first, Bakugou didn’t think anything about your attitude. He just thought you were giving him space (which he hated. It feels weird to him to be alone when he was always with you and he’s too prideful to admit that) however, he knows something is wrong when you start to avoid him.

You don’t talk to him like you use to, you don’t cook his favorite spicy ramen anymore, hell, you don’t even come to bed anymore. It’s like two strangers living in the same house (well, roommates would be more accurate). And, he misses you.

“Why are you sleeping on that shitty couch?” He’s standing above you with his arms folded, head to the side so he can hide his blush. You don’t respond, dried tear stains on your cheeks.

“Not gonna answer? What you’re too good to speak to me?” He squats down to eye-level. His breath fans across your face, the smokey caramel of his scent bringing more tears to your eyes. “Omega?”

You still don’t answer. He takes that as you still being angry about the argument; he also notes the change in your scent.

“Tch,” he walks to the bedroom and comes back with a few blankets so he can make a small hammock beside the couch at your side. He slips into the covers, hand upon your waist so he can feel you. “Goodnight, Omega.”

The next day, you’re still in the same spot on the couch above him. He does his routine, this time spending longer at saying goodbye.

“I’ll be back, Omega. Cuddling wouldn’t be the worse thing when I get home,” you stare blankly.

“And, I put some of your favorite cookies on the table,” still nothing.

“I love you,” nothing. And, that’s how he knows that everything is wrong. He spends the day on patrol, withdrawn from his hero-work. All he can think about is that blank look in your eye, the stillness of your home, the taste of failure on his tongue.

‘I fucked up,’ he sure did.

He comes home and you're still in the same spot. He doesn’t even think you got up to use the bathroom. You’re the first thing he attends to when his boots cross the threshold.

“Omega, you need a bath,” you don’t move so he picks you up bridal style and carries you to the bathroom. Your body is sweating and that stench gets even worse. “Omega, I’m sorry.”

But, sorry doesn’t fix everything. Sorry is nothing when you truly hurt someone. Sorry is when someone feels obligated to correct their wrongs (not because they want to). Sorry is the Black Licorice of apologies.

“Have you gone to work?” No. He knows you haven’t but, he just wants you to talk to him. His alpha cries for his mate yet, she doesn’t respond. “Baby?”

The bath is spent in silence as you sag on him. His hand's card through your (h/c) hair, trying to release some of your tension. It’s such an intimate moment of him caressing your body as though you are a precious work of art. His lips latched onto the mating mark on the side of your neck, reminding you that he cares.

When he gets you out of the tub, he dries you with your favorite fluffy towel. His carmine eyes gaze at you adoringly from your navel, blonde hair resting against your belly. One in a while, he’ll kiss your legs and feet, silently showing how much he truly cares for you.

Night rolls around and you both follow the same routine as before; you’re laying on the couch and he’s laying beside you on the floor. You’re not eating and that terrifies him. Sadly, this goes on for another month. And, Katsuki is growing desperate to have his omega back.

“I allowed my anger to do this to her- to me-to us. And, now, I don’t know if I can help her anymore,” he joined an anger management group (which, coincidentally helped his public image as well) after he realized the argument caused the rift in your relationship.

And, you’re proud of him on the inside, even if you can’t show it. At least he’s trying but, your omega just turns a blind eye to his efforts. You commend Katsuki for not giving up though.

‘It must be hard trying to change and improve for someone and they don’t even acknowledge your existence,’ you do feel bad for him. It seems that your love does outweigh his words.

But, you’re dying. He knows it. You know it. It’s known. He just won’t accept it.

“Omega,” you’re unconscious. He came home from the weekly session to find you unresponsive (well, more unresponsive than what you’ve been). “Omega, fuck-please-I God I, please wake up.”


So, you’re at the hospital now. The antiseptic burns your sensitive nose as you’re propped up on the hospital bed, sheets crinkling under your body. The doctors told Bakugou that you didn’t really have long to live but, he just can’t allow you to go without trying his best to save you.

“Omega, please, look at me,” you look at him but, it’s like you’re not seeing him. Your eyes don’t have the shine they used to. “Omega, please.”

You can’t answer him. What if you said the wrong thing? You were clinging to life by a single strand of fiber, death clinging to your scent. You knew you couldn’t handle it if Katsuki’s words hurt you once more.

“Please, talk to me, yell at me. Hit me. Do anything,” you can’t. Your voice is stuck in your mind. “Get mad. Throw something. Spit on me! Push me away. Shit, anything. Please just please please pleaseeee, fucking, please. PLEASE I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE WITHOUT YOU. Please stop looking like you want to die.”

“But, I do,” you hope he can understand.

“NO! NO NO! I FUCKING NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU,” he chokes on his words as he gathers your face in his hands. “I’m such a piece of shit. It takes you dying for me to realize how much I love you. But, I do. I love you so much it hurts. I can’t lose you.”

“Wipe your tears,” you brush your thumbs across his cheek to gather his tears. “I’m right here.”

“How can you love me still? Your will to live is fucking weak and it’s my fault! And, I’m sitting here asking you to hold on for me. You don’t even have to speak to me. Just stay here. I promise I’ll stay here with you. You can’t leave me.”

“Bakugou-“

“For fuck's sake, It’s Katsuki to you! I did this to you. I’m so sorry for what I said. I’m sorry for pushing you away when I felt I didn’t deserve your love. I’m sorry for making you feel the pain I felt all these years. I’m sorry for being a shitty alpha,” he cries in your lap as you pat his back. Your omega stores, crooning to help her alpha. You’re not dead; the future may look bleak but, you know it will finally bring you the love you longed for.

————————————————————————-

Tag List💕

@orokayagi @sakurashortstack @sinclairsamess

[nahoyaglock]

WHEN I STOP BREATHING..

pairings! ushijima x reader

summary! sitting on the beach, so close to each other they can hear each other’s heartbeats. They both smile and they watch the world end right in front of them, reminiscing on all they’ve been through together. Why does the end of the world look so beautiful?

genre! angst

word count! didnt bother actually counting so ill estimate maybe 2000+

warnings! end of the world, death, murder mention, slight ooc ushijima idk its the end of the world so pff

a/n! uh idk i wanna hurt people, sorry if this is bad i havent written in a while :p i feel like the beginning was really good, the middle was ass and the end was okay but hoh im happy enough w this. I also cried writing this ngl lmaoo also did not fix any errors so my bad

You knew it was coming, you both did. New reports, articles, it was trending on all social media platforms. It was unavoidable, what could you do but waste away your last few days, watching old shows you watched as a kid, harsh knocks and cries from your doors from friends and family. You couldnt face them, you just wanted to drown out the thought of what was coming the next few hours of the day.

You had woken up and sluggishly dragged yourself from the comfort of your bed to your dirty kitchen, littered with dirty dishes and some uneaten food that youd try to make, but didn't have the stomach to eat. Your phone rang atleast every hour or two, many unanswered calls and long voicemails you couldnt bother to listen to.

There was a knock on your door, and you sighed, not wanting to bother with facing the person at the door. You turned on your heels, about to head to your room when you heard the voice call out to you.

"y/n."

Out of all the people why did it have to be him. You bit your lip and let out shaky breaths. You took another step, freezing at another set of knocks. The last persom you wanted to see was your boyfriend.

"y/n let me in or ill tear this door down." His voice was stern, laced with seriousness and slight concern. You wanted to open it, let him in and crumble into his arms, but it hurt so bad.

"Go away." You spoke, loud enough to be heard through the door, but not loud enough to be a yell.

"y/n."

You hesitantly walked to the door, unlocking the bottom lock, the top lock remaining unlocked, too bothersome for you to have delt with anyways. At the sound of the click of the locks he opened the door with quick motions, while also being careful not to knock you over.

At the sight of his big frame you felt like the world had just stabbed you through the chest 28 times. You backed up with quick steps are your boyfriend reached out to hug you, scared that his touch would break down your facade. You tripped over your own feet, landing hard on your butt.

"Ush.. Ushijima," you started, not knowing exactly what you were trying to say, "Please dont touch me."

His heart sank when he saw you, lifeless and so frail. He guessed you havent been getting much sleep- or maybe too much sleep, and not eating as he took a quick glance towards the food littered kitchen counter.

It wasnt any better for you, seeing your normally cold and calm boyfriend with a worried expression and eye bags that made it obvious he hasnt got much sleep either.

You pull yourself up, your eyes boring through your boyfriends abdomen as you bit your lip, trying to think of what to say, and to also keep yourself from falling apart. "What do you want?"

"y/n. Dont be cold to me." It wasnt a question, but it wasnt a demand. "Sorry," you mumbled, leaving you two in silence for a while.

"Ushi, you should go home," you said, feeling your heart race, every second you spent in his presence, under his gaze, killed you. "You should call Tendou or something."

"Toshi." He said, making your head shoot up, looking him in his eyes, seeing a tear roll down his cheek, his face remaining mostly emotionless, fear slightly present in his eyes. "Please keep calling me Toshi."

You felt a pang in your heart, suddenly the reality of things hitting you. You were the only one going through this, you knew this but never gave it more than a mere thought. He was scared, he didnt know what he was doing, he just knew to find comfort in you, like youve told him to for many years into your relationship.

"Toshi," you breathed, reaching up to wipe the tear from his cheek, "Toshi lets go somewhere."

You never felt the need to go outside, wanting to be isolated, but being here with your boyfriend, you felt like running away, wanting to escape from the dark pit of your home. "Lets go to the beach"

"y/n–"

"Lets go. Lets go, right.. right now Toshi," you felt as if though youve felt shoked by lightning, like you suddenly got hit with some sugar rush.

"We dont have time–"

"We do Toshi, we do, we do," you saw the corner of his lips raise up into a small smile. He hated seeing you like this but he was glad you were more alive than you were minutes before. You knew this, what he was thinking, and you knew his smile had so much sadness behind it, "we have time, lets go, lets go!"

You grabbed his hand and dragged him out of your apartment, not bothering to change from your days out clothing or close the door behind you. It wouldnt matter in another hour anyways.

The ride there was mostly silent, songs playing quietly on the radio. You watched as you passed through the town, the streets were slightly empty, stores looked run down, some stores even tore up and empty.

"Has it been like this since.. since the announcement?" You mumbled, earning a hum for Ushijima.

"Yeah, yeah it has." He knew that you didnt go out, and he was slightly grateful for it. The world went to shit after the announcement, many lootings, murders and other various crimes being commited.

"Im glad your safe Toshi," you spoke into your palm.

"Im glad your safe too."

The ride went on in silence until you got to the beach. You both climbed out of the car, the beautiful blue sea sparkling under the sunny sky. It was funny how such a depressing day could look so so beautiful.

"Hmm, this is the beach we went to with the team our senior year, remember?" He asked and turned to face you. The fear in his eyes was much more evident in the light, along with signs of personal neglict. He hasnt been taking good care of himself either.

You walk around the front of the car to grab his hand, your small hands tracing light circles on his rough palms before linking your hands together, giving him a comforting squeeze. "I remember."

He let out a shaky breath he didnt know he was holding in, and you two found a nice spot on the beach to sit and watch the sky. "Toshi, do you remember the time goshiki got gummy bears stuck in his nose?"

He looked at you, and his face softened, "yeah. Yeah i do." He let out a small chuckle at the thought of his old teammates. "Do you remember when Tendou took my water bottle and filled it with really sour lemonade?" He asked, you could hear his voice unravel into a more comfortable tone, instead of one holding in so much hurt and fear.

"Ha, i actually helped him with that you know?" You spoke up, a small grin on your lips as your boyfriend grabbed your waist, pulling you closer to him. "We'll its okay, because it was 2 years ago."

It had been 2 years. 2 years since you had become shiratorizawas manager, 2 years since you made the number 1 ace fall head over heels for you, 2 years since you had went on your first date with him.

"2 years, its been so long." You laid your head on Ushijimas arm, feeling tired. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders and placed a kiss atop your head.

"Thats when we first started dating," you spoke, shoulders shaking with a small laugh, "i would've never imagined to have the nations number 1 ace fall so madly in love with me." You laughed and turned to your boyfriend to continue your teasing, but stopped when you saw him looking back at you.

He couldn't respond with anything more than a mere chuckle, tears now streaming down his cheeks. You bit your lip, scooting closer to him so you were in his lap, wrapping your arms around his large stature.

"Toshi, I love you." It was no more than a whisper and he placed a warm, loving kiss to your temple, rubbing your back softly as he let out a shaky laugh.

"y/n god, you make it so hard not to cry." He whispered in an unstable tone, resting his head atop yours. "I love you too."

This was how it was, clinging to the other and sharing old tales of your days spent with Ushijima and the boys, tales of times tendou had snuck out of the dorms and got caught by washijou, or when goshiki cut his bangs too short, or how Ushijima brought your parents a half eaten watermelon as a gift.

Those last moments spent with laughs and tears, kisses and hugs, warmth and comfort, those were your best memories. Despite the fate to cross you, Ushijima and everyone else in the world, you felt like you could smile for the first time.

You would smile alot, but it felt different this time. You convinced yourself that it was just because you had been withering away for the past days, but you knew it was because you felt free.

You had no worries in the moment with your lover, you didnt need to think about getting up for work the next day, or how you would afford next months rent. You felt like the largest weight had been lifted off of you, and you could really smile for the first time.

There was a slightly rumble if the ground that had made you and Ushijima go silent. You pulled away from your spot in the crook of his neck to look at him, fear still in his eyes.

"I dont wanna die," he chuckled out, "but im not sad." He drew small shapes into your hips with his thumbs, looking onto your laps instead of your face, and you just stared at him.

His usually stoic face was calmed, relaxed, his jaw unclenched and his eyes soft. You hadnt seen so many emotions from your boyfriend so much, it was almost scary. But he looked so gorgeous, he was your world.

"Wakatoshi Ushijima, you know," your placed your hands on both sides of his face, "it doesnt matter what happens to this world, because," you placed a passionate kiss to his lips, the tears finally falling from your eyes, "you, you're my world Toshi."

He let out a noise that was similar to a choke, tears rolling down the apple of his cheeks as he placed his forehead to yours, letting his shoulders shake with hard sobs. Loud crashes, screams and car alarms had let you know it was coming, the end of the world.

The last thing you saw was Ushijima, smiling snd crying, mouthing out one last 'I love you'.

Why does the end of the world look so beautiful?

© tomura-heart — all rights reserved. reposting, modifying, or copying is not allowed. do not translate. do not read my writing as asmr. do not plagiarize.

[rattyoakenbitch]

karate kid: “because of you” ₊˚ ⸝  johnny x reader

❝but it can all get a lil’ crazy, unless there’s something to hold onto. for me, that was true love.❞

gif credit: n/a song: lana del rey - because of you

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

pairings: johnny lawrence (1984) x reader

warnings: angst, language, mentions of sex, themes of depression, the overuse of the word ‘baby’ lmfaooo

summary: despite johnny’s reputation, you still weren’t expecting him, your first and only, to be unfaithful. but you were only a blind fool in love, after all.

“.. What the hell is going on here?”

You stood back on the beach overlook with your friend, watching the scene unravel before your eyes.

Below you, there Johnny was, along with his little Cobra Kai gang. The small crowd of teenagers around him shouted and cheered as he brawled with a smaller kid in a red sweater, who was obviously getting his ass beat. 

“Dammit, Johnny, stop!” 

A familiar high pitched, girlish scream caught your attention. Your eyes scanned the crowd until they stopped on Ali, who you knew to be Johnny’s old flame. Despite them being over for a while now, you knew Johnny still had feelings for her. But it was something you buried in the back of your mind. You were too in love with Johnny to acknowledge or care about the fact that he hasn’t moved on. 

Now, watching what was happening, you didn’t know what to think or how to feel. You’ve barely talked to Johnny at all over the week, and now you find him here?

Instead of intervening and chasing after Johnny, you gestured for your friend to follow you back to the car and head elsewhere. She didn’t protest and based on the heartbroken expression on your face, she knew better than to question you. Now was not the time to talk it through. 

Since that night, things were not the same. You explained your situation to your parents who were aware of your relationship, or now former relationship with Johnny. Johnny would call a few times a day, but you never bothered to pick up. His calls started to get more and more frequent, so you ended up blocking his number. Because of this, you started to fall out with the Cobra Kais, who you made good friends with because of your relationship with Johnny. So knowing you’d run into them at school, you stopped attending and would spend the days locked up in your room, only going out to use the bathroom or get something from the kitchen. By now, Johnny knew something was up, and went as far as to pick a fight with your dad whenever he’d drop by your house, asking to see you.

“Come on! I just wanna see Y/N, dammit!”

“She’s none of your business anymore, young man. Now get the hell off my property!”

“Man, fuck you! Let me see her! I need to talk to her!”

“You have three seconds, Mr Lawrence!”

“Y/N, I know you’re in there! I know you can hear me!”

The days became gloomier and gloomier. Weeks had passed and you hadn’t talked to anybody. You shut everyone out and would spend the days alone in your bed, wallowing in your own self pity.

How could you be so foolish?

To think you could be the one to fix Johnny. 

To think he loved you as much as you loved him.

To think he would want a future with you as much as he wanted your clothes off.

But the reality hit you; you were just a rebound. And you let him use you. It was all your fault. 

An overwhelming feeling of nausea and anxiety overtook you. You jumped off your bed and ran to the bathroom, pushing open the toilet lid and vomiting. You flushed the contents down and got to your feet to straighten yourself up. You looked at yourself in the mirror, your eyes widening in disbelief. You didn’t even recognize your reflection.. The person looking back at you was a stranger.

You lifted your hand up to touch your face as you analyzed your appearance. You had dark bags under your bloodshot eyes, your hair disheveled, skin pale and dry. 

“That’s just great.”

Sighing, you stooped down to the sink to rinse your mouth out and splash water on your face. As soon as you were finished, you flicked the light switch and trailed back to your room. However, you were stopped in your tracks by the sound of your father’s voice. 

“Y/N..? Oh, wow.. Wow, girl, I haven’t seen you in days.. How are you feeling now?” He stared down at you, searching your empty face for answers. You avoided his gaze, crossing his arms and looking down at your feet. He sighed, “The school called. You need to return by this Monday.”

You felt your heart sink. You looked up at him, opening your mouth to speak until he cut you off.

“I know you’re still healing but... This isn’t good for you. When you get back to school, you’ll at least get to hang out with your friends again, right?” You weakly shrugged, causing him to let out another heavy sigh. He patted your shoulder. “It’ll get better and soon, you’ll be back to your normal self!”

“What day is it?” you asked.

“It’s Sunday..”

You groaned, “Oh, gosh.” 

“Hey, hey, hey, you’ll be fine.”

You rolled your eyes. “Yeah, definitely. I’ll run into my ex and his little posse, who I ghosted, and then have to explain to my friends why I look and feel like shit. Great. Thanks dad,” you scoffed sarcastically, and stormed off into your room, slamming it shut.

Today was the today. Exasperatingly, you dragged yourself out of bed, showered, brushed your teeth, and tied up your hair into a long braid that cascaded down your back. You figured you’d put on a bit of concealer to hide your dark circles, and topped that off by applying dark red lipstick. You dressed yourself in a white shirt, the collar sticking out of the green sweater you layered on top of it. You matched that with a white pleated skirt that stopped mid thigh, and slipped on a pair of black knee high socks. 

Finished with your look, you shrugged on your backpack and headed downstairs, putting on your Mary Janes before pulling open the front door. You ignored your mom’s calls and ran out to the driveway, about to get into your vehicle to head to school. However, the plans seemed to change when a familiar red car idling on your street caught your attention. 

Your heart began to thump loudly in your chest when you met Johnny’s burning gaze as he waited for you in the car. Knowing how stubborn and persistent he was, you immediately gave up and got into the car, slamming the door shut. 

“All right, so you gonna explain where the hell you’ve been?” Anger and rancor dripped off his voice. You knew this would happen.

Turning to look him in the eye, you treated him with the same attitude. “Oh, that’s just golden! Where have I been? No, Johnny, where the hell have you been? I was trying to reach you for over a week until I found you at the beach with Ali.. Not to mention you were picking on that poor kid.”

As soon as you mentioned Ali, Johnny’s demeanor changed. He laid back into his seat, his jaw clenched. He was caught. 

“Did you seriously think I wouldn’t find out?”

When he wouldn’t reply, you broke the silence. “I don’t wanna argue with you right now, let alone talk to you. Now just drive me to school or I’ll be late.”

He scoffed. “Since when did you care about being late? You were absent for more than a week!”

“Jeez, wonder why,” you retorted. “You know what? This was a mistake.” You pushed open the car door, about to step out, when Johnny gripped your wrist, pulling you back. 

“Wait, don’t go,” he said softly, begging you to stay. Worry filled his big baby blue eyes as he waited on your decision. “Please, Y/N.” You could never say no to him, especially when he was giving you that look. You got back into the car and shut the door, but faced away from Johnny. You swatted away his hand, causing him to recoil and put both hands on the wheel. 

“If we’re gonna talk, let’s not do it here,” you said.

After that, you both stayed silent as he started the car, driving off to wherever. As you drew nearer to your destination, the surroundings started to look more and more familiar. It hit you; this is where you and Johnny had your first kiss, and maybe a little more than just that.. You found yourself smiling at the memories. Then again, maybe some things are just better as memories. 

You were laid beside Johnny on his car, watching the sunset. When the sun went down, instead of heading back home, you ended up stargazing together. You both entirely forgot about your surroundings and the time, getting lost in conversation. Conversation turned into kissing, which eventually lead to something much more heated. 

“You’re so damn beautiful, baby. I can’t believe you’re all mine,” Johnny hummed, beaming and grinning widely. You giggled, continuing to pepper his pretty face with kisses.

“Well, you better believe it then, babe,” you said in between kisses. “Cause I’m not going anywhere.” 

Johnny sighed in satisfaction, pulling you closer to him. “Good, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Johnny managed to catch your lips, capturing you in a deep, passionate and loving kiss. He held you tightly against him as you straddled his lap like his life depended on it. 

Johnny pulled over, snapping you back into reality. You overlooked the city as he shut off the car engine with a heavy sigh, preparing himself for whatever was to come out of this conversation.

“So? You got anything to say for yourself, Lawrence?”

He took a moment to think, before opening his mouth to speak. 

“Y/N.. I’m sorry. I fucked up big time.” You scoffed at that, rolling your eyes and looking away from Johnny. “I’m sorry! I really am! I know I shouldn’t have gone after Ali when I had you.”

“Had,” you pointed out, chuckling.

“Oh, just listen to me, will ya? I told you I’m sorry and I admit to my mistakes!”

“And lemme guess; you’re telling me all this just now because Ali once again rejected you?” Johnny stayed silent, a sheepish and guilty look on his face. You groaned, “For fucks sake, Johnny. Do you ever mean the things you say? This was a complete waste of my time.”

“I didn’t wanna lose you, Y/N.”

“If you’re still loving Ali, then you’ve already lost me.”

“Yeah, thanks for stating the obvious. You ghosted me! At least I tried to make things right between us instead of running away!”

“You really are an awful person, Johnny Lawrence. My friends were right about you-” you blurted out. Your throat ached as you tried to keep yourself together. “You’re really nothing but a player! There is no ‘us’. You don’t give a damn about me. You never did. So just drop the act and take me to school,” you whispered the last part, not wanting Johnny to hear your voice break. But he could easily see through your anger and sense the sadness in your voice.

You faced the opposite direction from Johnny. 

“Please look at me,” Johnny said after a while. You refused to glance his way, your eyes fixed on your fingers as you anxiously twiddled them together. The rage built up inside of you and the thoughts fueled by heartbreak, you kept to yourself. You wanted to be strong. You didn’t want to show Johnny how much he truly hurt you. But all that was gone when tears began to stream down your face. 

“Oh, Y/N, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I-” Johnny trailed off, his voice cracking. He felt so lost. He had never been faced with a situation like this, even with Ali. And he’s never seen you cry before. You were always tough and strong in front of him, and to see you bawl like this, he thought it really must be that bad. 

“Don’t apologize unless you really mean it,” you sniffled. “Don’t make it worse than it already is.”

“Then I’m gonna keep apologizing because I mean it! With all my heart, Y/N, I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you cry. I can’t stand seeing you like this because of me.”

You turned your face slightly towards Johnny’s direction, curiosity and hope sparking inside of you. 

“I was told that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. And even if you leave after this, I’m not gonna hide the way I feel, Y/N. I’ve never felt this way about a girl. Even with Ali. That’s why I was confused at first, but I knew I wanted to make it work with you.” Johnny squeezes your hand in his significantly bigger ones. “I hated to admit it at first, but I was and am smitten with you. You cross my mind everyday, and every song reminds me of you. And- And even if you shut me out after this.. If you go, I’ll stay. Even when you fall out of love, I just want you to know I’ll always have feelings for you.”

You didn’t know what to say after Johnny’s confession. You had all these emotions; betrayal, heartbreak, anger, confusion. They clouded your mind. You didn’t know how to properly react. 

“Do you really mean that?”

Johnny chuckles sadly, “I may be a douche, but I’m not a liar.”

You leaned back into your seat, replaying everything that just happened in your head. Johnny’s confessions, his declaration of love for you. You knew Johnny had a rough life and wasn’t one to be open about his feelings. And you also knew you loved that boy, even after the pain he caused you. Did you really wanna risk it and be with him? 

After being silent for a while, the uncomfortable stillness in the air prompted Johnny to speak up. 

“You- I- I’ll just.. I can take you home. Wherever-”

“No! Wait, don’t,” you placed your hand over Johnny’s before he got the chance to start the car. You locked eyes with him, your heart beat beginning to speed up suddenly. You were stuck on what to do at that moment. 

“Oh, fuck it,” you thought to yourself, and cupped Johnny’s face, bringing him closer to you. Now without the support of your hands, you were caught off balance and ended up stumbling atop Johnny. And in the heat of the moment, you crashed your lips to his. Okay, that was totally intentional. 

Johnny didn’t waste a second and immediately kissed you back, holding you steady above him. You really didn’t want to, but you had to break the kiss for air, giving Johnny the chance to let out breathy words.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you so much, baby.”

You pressed your forehead to his and wrapped your arms around his shoulders while you tangled your fingers in his hair. He cupped your face, placing gentle little kisses on your nose.

“Nothing bad is gonna happen to us, baby, I promise.”

[thisbeatchachinglikemoney]

Moonlight

Part 1 of the Boys with Luv series

Pairing: Yoongi x reader (eventual), Yoongi x BTS, dom!Yoongi x sub!Taehyung x sub!Jungkook

Summary: One night when Yoongi is out for a moonlit stroll, he finds a girl dancing in the park all alone. When he approaches her, his whole life changes forever.

Warnings: There is some mention of mental and physical abuse in this chapter, as well as some a theme of depression and mention of self-harm.

Tags:@calling-dips-on-j-hope​, @fic-recs-by-moon​, @luvtaeha, @aretha170​, @xicanacorpse​, @kookieebangtan, @fangirl125reader, @seoul9711​, @channiespup, @lindsayjoy444​​ 

Part 1 | Part 2

Y/N POV:

He was drunk. Again. This time it was worse than the others though. The other times he was drunk enough that he was tired and could not stay awake long enough to actually hurt me anymore than a couple of hits poorly aimed and a handful of harmful words thrown at me. But it was enough for me to fall further into a deep, black void that seemed to have no way out. It was inescapable. I could hear him banging and shouting to himself downstairs. I was in our room, pretending to be asleep. I rarely slept when he was around, scared of what he would do to me when I was unaware. 

That was why I slept while he was out during the day, and then would sneak out at night once I knew he was sleeping. I would go to a park nearby and just sit there and collect my thoughts. Sometimes I would let myself taste the sweet release that I got when I danced, but that was very rare. He banned me from dancing, saying it was like I was cheating on him by showing off my body to other people. And of course, I believed him. 

I guess the only good thing was that he wasn’t my soulmate. Everything was still black and white and all the shades of grey in between for me. But I just couldn’t find the courage in myself to get help to leave him. When I was in the park, I loved to listen to BTS to help myself find the courage to get through the next day. Just enough that I would want to survive. But that didn’t stop the want to die from slipping through some cracks. Small scars littered my wrists. They all looked almost silver to me, but I knew that if I could see colour, they would be red. The colour of blood. 

He laughed when he found out. Said I deserved it. Said I should do it more and maybe, just maybe, if I was lucky I would cut deep enough to end it. 

I could hear his footsteps thumping up the stairs now. I gulped and nestled under the blankets, trying to even out my breathing and slow it down to give the impression I was asleep. I almost flinched when I heard the door open, but I managed to stay still. 

“I know you’re awake.” He said, his voice dangerously calm. His footsteps grew louder until I could feel his breath fan over me. It stunk of cheap whisky and other alcohol. He scoffed. “Of course you’d ignore me. Stupid bitch!” He slapped me across the face, causing me to jolt forward and gasp in pain as red hot sparks shot across my face. I curled into a ball, protecting my face with my arms. “Worthless, good for nothing slut.” He pulled me off the bed and kicked me in the stomach, making me cry out in pain. I began to back away from him, pushing myself along the floor with my hands and feet as he walked towards me. 

My heart was pounding in my chest, my breathing erratic. I was scared. He could kill me. He lifted his foot as if he was going to stamp on my outstretched leg, but I rolled away just in time, earning myself a kick to the side. I whimpered and stumbled to my feet. I looked around for something, anything I could use as a weapon, as something to defend myself. My eyes zeroed in on a lamp. It was a gift from my mother; a metal base that had little knots of the material jutting out from the sides. I knew it was heavy. I knew that it could possibly knock him out.

I ran over to it and picked it up, yanking the plug out of the socket. He walked closer to me, scoffing. “You think you can hurt me with that?” He chuckled. “Sweet,” He began to undo the buckle of his belt and was about to pull it from its confines when I swung at him with the lamp. It was as if the gods were looking down upon me when the metal end connected with his head, knocking him out cold. 

I stared down at his unconscious body, breathing quickly. I tried to calm myself down as I grabbed my phone and shoes, quickly disabling my location services. I had to leave him. Next time, I may not be so lucky. I looked around and stuffed some clothes into a backpack, grabbed a charger and my toothbrush and ran out of the house.

I didn’t have a car. He never let me, since he was under the impression that I could get away with it. Guess he forgot I had two legs and could walk. I shivered slightly, wrapping my arms around myself in an attempt to warm me up. I was only wearing a light hoodie, not realising how cold it was.

But I’d be fine. I could just huddle up underneath some of my clothes - use them as a blanket. I didn’t have any friends I could go to - he had made me get rid of them as well. I suppose it was safer for them; he could have threatened to hurt them to get me to do anything. I looked up at the sky, seeing the moon glowing a bright white light, the beauty of it making me feel calm. The moon was full and round, the streets being illuminated by the moonlight as I made my way to the little park that was my safespace.

Yoongi POV:

“No, no, no, no!” I groaned as my computer froze, the coloured pinwheel spinning around as if to mock me. I slammed my hand down on the desk in frustration, knowing that there was a good chance that all my hours of hard work on this song would be deleted. 

I pushed my chair back harshly and got up, kicking at the chair in annoyance. “Stupid thing. Can’t even work properly.” I glanced at the screen, letting a small sliver of hope through, hoping that the work had been saved and that it was still there, almost at the point of completion. My heart sunk, the screen was black. There goes eight hours or more of hard work for nothing.

I picked up my phone to check the time. It was almost midnight. There was a miriad of texts from my hyung and dongsaengs, urging me to come eat. Hobi had said he had come to get me but I clearly didn’t or wouldn’t hear him so he left. There was food for me in the fridge and Jungkook was waiting up for me. Of course he was, the boy could not sleep without knowing that everyone was in the dorm. 

All seven of us were in a relationship with each other, yet we were not soulmates since it was not allowed between people of the same sex. Stupid homophobic system. But if Kookie was waiting for me, I guess I should stop working now. The boy would force himself to stay awake, which would make him grumpy the next morning. Sometimes he acts like a baby, but who can blame him? He is the maknae after all.

My phone dinged, signalling a text for Taehyung.

Tae ❤️:

Hyung, when are you coming backkkkk? The bed is empty and I’m colddddddd. Pleaseeeee hurryyyyyyyyy

I love youuuuuu

But hurryyyyyyy

I shook my head and chuckled at Taehyung’s cuteness. I decided I would not text him back, but rather call him as I collected my stuff. I clicked on his contact name and put the phone against my ear as I shut off the computer and walked out of Genius Lab, locking the door behind me. 

“Hyung! When are you coming back?!” Tae asked as soon as he picked up the phone.

“Tae, baby. I am on my way, okay? I’m just a bit stressed though, so I may have to have even more cuddles.” I said. Even though I never showed it, I loved having and giving hugs to the members. But only behind closed doors. I could never do it in front of the cameras. It would ruin my bad boy persona. 

“Cuddles!” Tae gasped. “Yay. Hurry, please, hyung.” He pleaded, dragging out the end of the ‘please’, making me chuckle.

“I’m just getting in the car now baby boy. I’ll be back soon. Give me five minutes.” I said as I unlocked my car and got in, throwing my stuff over to the passenger seat. 

“Okay, hyung.” Tae said, smiling. I could hear it in his voice. “Oh, and hyung?”

“Yes baby?” I said as I set the phone in its holder and put it on speaker so I could start driving.

“I have a surprise for you.” He sang, giggling after. “I think you’ll like it a lot.”

“Oh, I look forward to it, baby.” I said as I reached a traffic light that was just outside the building. As I looked around, I caught a glimpse of lace stuffed by the seat. I frowned and reached over, pulling at it to get a closer look at what it was. I smiled and shook my head as I realised that it was a pair of Tae’s panties. He had obviously hidden them in here, seeing how they were strategically concealed.

Wearing lingerie was something Tae loved to do. He wore it all the time, not that any of us complained. He looked so cute, but so beautiful and breathtaking at the same time. My personal favourite was when he wore one of my oversized shirts with a pair of panties underneath, the lace framing his ass perfectly. Tae was the subbiest out of all of us, with Jimin and Jungkook a close second. Jin would sometimes sub and sometimes dom, but me, Joon and Hobi were the doms. I wondered if this is what his surprise would be.

“Oh, baby, I have something of yours.” I said.

“What is it?” Tae asked curiously. I could hear the duvet covers moving around as he shuffled on our bed. Each of us shared a room. It was me and Tae, Jimin and Hobi, and Joon, Jin and Kookie. Some nights, there would be more of us sleeping together, and some nights we would all sleep with each other. That was usually if one of us was really stressed or really upset and needed comfort from everyone. I wouldn’t need that tonight. I knew Tae would be able to cuddle away all my worries. I would be able to make it up tomorrow. I could get one of the others to help me.

“I’ll let you guess, baby. It was in my car and they are lacy.” I hinted. I heard him swallow before he took a deep breath.

“Am I in trouble?” Tae asked, his voice a lot quieter. “I’m sorry, I put them in there as a just in case, you know how you like to rip them off me.” He added quickly.

“I’m not angry at you baby boy.” I said, keeping my voice calm. “It was a nice surprise.”

“It was?” I could hear the smirk in Tae’s voice. “Then you’re going to like what I have for you here in bed... Master...”

As soon as he said this, I felt what could have been all my blood rush to my dick. “I’m almost home, baby.” I said, clearing my throat and palming myself to relieve the feeling I had. I let out quiet and breathy moan.

“Are you touching yourself, master?” Tae asked. “Are you getting your big cock nice and hard for me?”

“I want you ready for me when I get in, puppy.” I said as I pulled the car into the driveway of the apartment complex where our dorm was. 

“I’ll be waiting for you, Master.” Tae said excitedly, ending the call.

I turned off the engine of the car and sat there for a few moments, trying to calm myself down slightly. I would give him a slight punishment - he knew not to leave things in the car, no matter how arousing it would be for me, and he had also teased me slightly.

I walked into the house and spied Jungkook sat on the sofa, mindlessly flicking through the channels on the TV. So, he had waited up for me. Might as well if he wants to join in the fun with me and Tae.

“Kookie, baby.” I said, walking over to squat down in front of him. As I came into his line of vision, a bunny smile formed on his face.

“Hyungie, you’re back.” Jungkook flung his arms around my neck and kissed my cheek.

“Hey, bunny.” I stroked his hair and turned my head to kiss his lips gently. “Baby, TaeTae and I are going to be having some fun in a second. Do you want to join us?”

Jungkook looked at me, his chocolate eyes sparkling. He hummed in agreement and nodded his head. “Bunny wants to help please Master and TaeTae.” He said, instantly slipping into his subspace. 

“Okay, bunny.” I said, standing up with him still wrapped around my neck. He whined when I tried to push him off so I could walk upstairs. “Do you want me to carry you?” My cute little bunny nodded eagerly, so I picked him up and carried him towards mine and Tae’s bedroom. “Alright, bunny, let’s go say hi to TaeTae. Master has to punish him a bit though, first. You can go freshen up first if you want.” I suggested.

Jungkook nodded before leaning forward to kiss me. I reached down and squeezed him through his sweatpants, causing him to let out a shaky whine. “Master, please.” 

“Go freshen up baby. When you’re done you can come straight in.” I said, setting him on his way with a pat to his bum.

I pushed open the door to Tae’s room and saw him kneeling on the bed. But what really took my breath away was what he was wearing. It was a lace bodysuit that had bows decorating it. I couldn’t see his ass, but I already knew that there would be nothing covering it. There were small bows fastened to the tops of his thighs, holding the bodysuit in place. To top it all off he had a collar fastened around his neck.

“Fuck, puppy. Look at you. So beautiful for me.” I said, walking over to him and tracing his lips with my finger. “I believe these belong to you.” I pulled the lace out of my pocket and tossed it at him. He caught it with one hand and smirked at me.

“Did you like your surprise, master?” He asked coyly, looking up at me. I moved my hand to hold his face in place, cupping his chin. 

“I love it, puppy, but you know the rules. You don’t leave things in my car, do you?”

“No, master.” Tae looked down in shame. “‘M sorry. I just wanted it to be there as a backup.”

“Puppy, do you wanna know why I rip them off you?” I asked, kneeling down in front of him. He tilted his head at me in confusion. “Because I love the idea that you are wearing nothing beneath your clothes and that if you have one slip up, you would be exposed.” I trailed my finger down his chest and circled it around his tip.

“Master, please.” He begged. “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. It was a mistake.” I could see that he was almost fully hard, his cock was straining against the fabric of his bodysuit.

“You wanna make it up to me? Turn over and on my knee.” I ordered, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Yes, master.” Tae leant across my lap, his stomach resting on my knees. I smirked when I saw his exposed ass, all round and ready for me.

“Now, puppy. Kookie will be joining us soon, so we’d better make your initial punishment quick.” I said, kneading the globes of his ass. It wasn’t as big as Jimin’s, but Tae definitely had a beautiful ass. “How many do you think you deserve, pup?”

“At least 20, master. I was naughty.” Tae almost moaned out.

“Yes you were, puppy. Very naughty. You also teased master when he was coming home.” I sighed. “But, I guess my puppy likes being punished, doesn’t he?” Tae was silent. I smacked his ass hard, causing the flesh to jiggle. “Doesn’t he?” I repeated.

“Yes, master.” He said after he had yelped. I could feel how hard he was pressing against my thigh.

“I think I may give you 25, how does that sound?”

“Good, master.”

“And after each one, you thank me. You need to learn to obey, don’t you puppy?”

“Yes, master. I do.”

“Count, dumb pup.” I began to slap his ass. Each time he counted and thanked me. At 25, he was sobbing in pain and pleasure, rutting against my thigh. I pulled him up so he was straddling my lap. “Such a good boy, taking your punishment so well.” I praised him, making him smile at me lazily. “So I think my puppy deserves a reward?” Tae nodded excitedly so I pushed him down so he was kneeling on the floor.

I stroked his hair out of his face. “I want you to suck me off, pup.” I said, tugging on his hair gently. His hair was always curly and floppy, always soft to the touch. I stroked my fingers through it lazily as he played with the zipper on my pants, before tugging at them to pull them down. I quickly stood up and allowed him to pull them down with my boxers before I sat back down.

His eyes widened when I came into his eyeline, his mouth instantly watering. His hand cautiously reached out and wrapped around me, giving me a few strokes. I inhaled sharply and hissed at the feeling of his calloused palm wrapped around me. “No hands, baby. Just your mouth.” I said after a few seconds, batting his hand away. 

He set his hands on my thighs and sat up a bit so he was level with my dick. His mouth opened eagerly and before I knew it, the tip of my dick was engulfed in his warm, wet mouth. I tilted my head back and groaned, fingers tangling in his hair and tugging, earning some quiet moans from my puppy.

I looked down and saw his big eyes staring up at me as his mouth took more of me in. “Fuck, you look so pretty baby.” I cooed, tracing his lips that were stretched around me. “All stuffed full of my cock. I know you can take more though.” I gently pushed at his head, making him take more of me in until my tip hit the back of his throat. He gagged slightly as tears sprung from his eyes. “Now, you can stay just like that until Jungkook comes and then your real punishment can begin, hmm?”

Taehyung nodded, choking on my dick as it went further down his throat. “Careful pup. Don’t hurt yourself.” I said, wiping away the tears that were trailing down his face from the intrusion in his throat. He always looked so beautiful like this. 

After a couple of minutes, Jungkook came into the room, his mouth opening slightly as he took in the sight in front of him. “Hey bunny.” I said, beckoning him over. “Doesn’t TaeTae look so pretty?”

“TaeTae always looks so pretty, master.” Jungkook said, his voice barely a whisper. 

I took Jungkook’s hand and pulled him on the bed as I pushed Tae off of me. “Okay, here’s what is going to happen. Tae, puppy, you are going to sit on the other side of the bed and watch as I play with Koo until I decide that you can join us.” Taehyung nodded and scrambled to the other side of the bed, his cock hanging heavily between his legs, begging for release. It was a dark colour, signalling how desperate he was for release, but I wasn’t going to let him have it. Not yet. He got himself comfortable and was about to start stroking himself when I added the next part. “And no touching yourself, pup.”

Tae’s bottom lip started to wobble slightly. “Oh, please, master. Please. I need to cum so bad.”

I looked at him and smiled as I helped Kookie undress. “No, dumb pup. You’ve been naughty. You need to prove that you deserve it.”

Tae looked like he had been slapped. “O-Okay, master. I’ll be good.” He said, trapping his hands between his thighs and the mattress. Once I was sure that he wasn’t going to disobey my orders, I turned my attention back to a now naked Jungkook.

“Look at my beautiful boy.” I smiled as I stroked my hand down his chest, feeling his abs, before travelling down to his thighs to squeeze them gently. It was known that Jungkook had a thigh kink. He would always have to have his hands on someone’s thighs, squeezing them and sometimes sucking at them if we were having fun with each other. “He has such big thighs.” I bent my head down to suck at them, causing a whiny moan to spill from his parted lips.

“Master, please.” He looked at me with his doe eyes shining. 

“Please what, bunny? Do you want master to touch you here?” I traced my finger along his dick, earning a quiet groan from him. His dick was long and pretty, the mushroomed head a darker shade than the rest of it. It twitched as I traced the vein along it. I trailed my finger down to his ass. “Or here?” I circled his hole, earning a moan and a breathy yes from him.

I hooked his legs over my shoulders and wrapped my lips around his hole, stroking my tongue over his puckered hole, making him jolt forward slightly. “Ah, Master.” He moaned as I licked at him. He tasted musty and his shower gel and something that was distinctly Jungkook. I prodded at his hole with my tongue before pushing it into him, licking at his walls, coaxing high pitched whines and moans out of him. “Master, I’m so close.” Jungkook cried out, so I pulled away, leaving his hole shining with my saliva.

“Bunny, do you want me to stretch you out first, or can you take me?” I asked, as I kissed him, slipping my tongue into his mouth so he could taste himself on my tongue.

“I can take it, master.” Jungkook said eagerly. I nodded and kissed him again as I pushed my dick against his hole. The head pushed past the ring of muscle with some resistance until I was fully sheathed inside of him. “Ah,” Jungkook had his mouth open in pleasure, beautiful sounds spilling out of me as he adjusted to my size. “You’re so big master. You stretch me out so good. Feel so full.”

He was so warm, wrapped around me, and so tight. He was always tight no matter how often we fucked him, or with how many dicks he was fucked with at once. I moved my hips back before snapping them back in, causing the both of us to moan. Each thrust got faster and harder until Jungkook was a moaning mess, writhing around beneath me. 

There was a whimper from next to us and I looked up to see Taehyung, watching us while tears poured down his face. “Yellow.” Tae hated to be left out when he was in his subspace. He always had to be doing something and not just watching. “Master, please.” He begged when he saw me watching him. “Please, I’m sorry. Just let me join in.”

I looked at Jungkook who had been watching me and him carefully. “Shall we let him join us?” I asked the boy underneath me. He nodded eagerly.

“I wan’ him to ride me.” Jungkook requested. “While you fuck me.”

“Okay, bunny.” I said, stroking his hair. I pulled out of him carefully to get Tae and comfort him. “Hey, puppy, you’re okay. You took your punishment so well. Master is so proud of you.” I said, hugging him tight. “Such a good boy.” I kissed his lips gently as I wiped away his tears. “Especially for telling me you didn’t feel comfortable anymore.”

“Thank you, master.” Taehyung smiled at me, his eyes still slightly teary. I reached down and pumped him a bit, smearing his precum around his dick. 

“Look how wet you are, puppy.” I cooed as he crawled over to Jungkook. He leaned forward to kiss Jungkook. While he did this, I squirted some lube on my fingers and pushed two into him, making sure he was properly stretched out. I thrusted them into him for a bit before adding a third. Once I was sure he was ready, I nodded at him. “Go sit on Kookie’s cock baby.” I said. He lowered himself down slowly, causing both of them to moan loudly. Once Tae was fully seated, I pushed myself back into Kook, making him moan again. “How are you feeling, bun?”

“Feels s’ good.” Kookie said, looking kind of spaced. “Please, ‘m green.” I began to move inside him, making him grip onto Tae’s thighs and moan out loud. Tae began to bounce on his dick, moans coming out of his mouth. I reached around and started to stroke Tae’s dick in time to my thrusts inside Jungkook. Tae’s moans got louder and louder, signalling he was getting very close. I could feel my lower stomach tightening, signalling I was about to come.

“Master, I’m so close.” Jungkook whined, earning a noise of agreement from Tae.

“You can both come.” I allowed, stroking Tae even faster. He began to shake as Kookie began to buck up his hips due to how close he was. I knew Tae would come extra hard if I talked dirty to him, so I did. Jungkook was already close to cumming, but as soon as Tae came I would finish so I didn’t want him to be overstimulated by it all.

“Tae, puppy. Get off Kookie a second.” I said, tapping his bum which was now starting to bruise. Tae looked over his shoulder at me, looking as if he might cry. “You still get to come, puppy. I just wanna see you. Get back on Koo facing me.” I explained. Tae nodded and got off, turning himself around before lowering himself back down. I caught sight of his beautiful face, his mouth open and eyes squeezed shut as Jungkook’s cock split him open. “Now lie down so your back is against Koo’s stomach.” Tae obeyed and let him lie back. “Koo, bun, lift up his legs so I can see your dick going into his pretty hole.” Kook obeyed, wrapping his arms around Tae’s thighs and almost folding him in half. I almost came at the sight in front of me. Tae’s hole was so stretched around Jungkook’s cock, making it become slightly swollen.

I smirked at Tae before stroking around his hole and Kook’s dick with my thumb. “So pretty, puppy, letting bunny stretch you out like this. I bet you can’t wait for him to fill you with his cum, painting your insides white. Or maybe you’d like both of us in there. Imagine how it would feel, both of us splitting your pretty hole open, gaping you out so much all our cum would just come back out of you. Both of our cocks rubbing against your walls.” I reached out and began stroking his cock, seeing his face scrunch up and his body tense. He was right on the edge. “I bet it would make you come instantly. We’d have to maybe put a cock ring on you to stop you cumming too early. But you’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, master. I’d love it.” Tae was breathless. “Oh, I’m so close.” He whined, letting his head tilt back on Jungkook’s shoulder.

“But we’d have to stretch out your little hole even more.” I smiled, pushing my thumb into his hole alongside Kook’s cock. Tae let out a scream, his body going still.

“You sound so pretty, TaeTae.” Kook said, stroking up and down his thighs. “Bet you’re so wrecked down there.” He reached down and pushed one of his fingers into Tae, next to mine. “Master, can we plug my cum inside him?” Kook asked.

“Of course we can bunny.” I said. “But we need this puppy to cum first.” I looked at Tae, whose body was jerking. “Aww, look at him. He’s going to come so hard.” I stroked him even faster before leaning down and taking his entire length into my mouth. I sucked hard, hollowing out my cheeks. Tae let out a silent scream as he came hard, his body shaking with the force of his orgasm.

I swallowed some of his cum, loving the salty tang of it before leaning over him to kiss Kook, transferring some to his mouth. Kook moaned at the taste, making Tae whine. Of course he wanted to have some. I moved to kiss Tae, transferring the last of it to his mouth. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. 

“You’re such a cumslut, pup.” I chuckled, now starting to thrust hard into Kookie, chasing my own orgasm. Kookie’s breaths started coming out as short, high-pitched moans as his own orgasm drew nearer and nearer.

“I’m gonna cum, master.” Kookie warned as his hole clamped down on me, making me unable to move. The pulsing and constant contracting of his walls made me spill into him as he spilled into Tae. Both of us moaned as we released. I fell forward and leant my head on Tae’s stomach as I caught my breath. 

“Both of you did so good.” I said as I carefully pulled out of Jungkook. “Koo, do you want a plug?” The boy nodded so I moved over to my bedside table and pulled out one of the four plugs I had in there. One for each sub. I walked back over to the pair who were still connected to each other. I pushed the trail of cum that had come out of Kookie back into him and pushed the plug into him.

“And me!” Tae exclaimed. I chuckled and got his out of the drawer. 

“Alright, baby. Let’s get you off Koo, hmm?” I gently pulled him off Koo and pushed the plug into him. “How are you both feeling?” I asked, looking at both of them.

“Tired.” Tae replied.

“Good.” Jungkook replied at the same time. He had a sleepy smile plastered on his face. 

“Okay, that’s good. Tae baby, you gotta stay awake for a bit longer. I need to clean you up, and put some lotion on you.” I said, gently stroking his hair as he looked at me with his eyes half shut. 

He whined slightly, moving so he was sat on my lap. I could feel the plastic of the plug nestled between his ass cheeks pushing into my thigh.  “Can I have a bath?” He asked, his head laying on my shoulder. 

“Sure baby.” I said. “Do you and Koo want to have one together?” I looked at them both as they nodded their heads. “Alright babies.” I stroked Tae’s hair gently. “Let’s take these plugs out of you, okay?” Kook nodded and bent over slightly so I could pull it out of him. He hissed as his hole stretched around the bulbous plastic, followed by the dripping of my cum out of him. “Okay, KooKoo, why don’t you go and start the bath and I’ll get Tae ready.”

“Okay hyungie.” Jungkook pressed a quick kiss to my lips before padding into my adjoined bathroom and starting the bath. 

“Okay, Taebaby, I need you to stand up.” I said softly to the sleepy boy on my lap.

He groaned and looked up at me, his eyes narrowed. “Why?” He asked. 

“I need to take your plug out, love.” I said. “It’s going to hurt you later otherwise.” He opened his mouth to protest but I pressed a finger to his lips. “No buts baby, I’m taking it out.” I laid him down on the bed and gently pulled it out of him, allowing Jungkook’s cum to spill out of him.

“Want some.” Tae whispered, looking at me. I sighed and swiped some of the cum onto my fingers and let him suckle it off.

“Now, bath time.” I said, pulling him up so he was standing on his own two feet and leading him into the bathroom.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few hours later, we were all cuddled up in bed. I had had trouble falling asleep - the stress from losing all my work was still looming in the back of my mind. I had told my manager, but he must have been asleep when I sent the message. 

Tae hummed in his sleep as he curled into my side even more, Jungkook spooning him from behind. They both looked peaceful as they slept, not a hint of worry on their perfect faces. 

My phone began to buzz, cutting through the silent atmosphere like a hot knife through butter. I unwrapped Tae from around myself and sat up answering the phone. “Hello?” I asked in a hushed voice as I disentangled myself from the blankets.

“Yoongi-ah? I need those tracks by 8am in the morning. You’re going to have to keep working on them.” My manager said, sounding quite annoyed. My heart began beating faster as I felt the stress and anxiety begin to build back up inside of me. “You should have stayed later and fixed your mistake.” I slipped out of the room and closed the door.

“My mistake?!” I was pissed. It was not my fault that the systems crashed and deleted everything. Do I control all the computers at the company? No! If anything they should be badgering IT to see if they can recover some of the files. “The computers crashed as I went to save it. Can’t IT recover them? That is eight hours of work lost!”

“No they can’t. That’s why I’m calling. I need you to come in right now and try to redo them the same.” He requested. “I’m sorry about this, but I just need those otherwise you will miss the deadline and your mixtape will have to be delayed further.”

“I think we need to get better computers. Those ones are getting kind of old and slow.” I said. 

“Don’t blame the machinery Yoongi-ssi.” He said shortly. “Come in now or no mixtape this year. And you wouldn’t want to disappoint ARMY, would you?”

I scoffed. Now he’s guilt-tripping me. “I’ll be in in about half an hour. Let me get changed and get my stuff together.” I said.

“Okay, I’ll be waiting.” He hung up the phone and I let out a noise of frustration before going back into the room, closing the door as quietly as I could so I wouldn’t wake up the sleeping babies. I looked over at the bed and let a fond smile ghost over my face. Taehyung’s hair had now flopped in front of his face and his arms were outstretched to the spot where I had previously been sleeping.

I felt bad for leaving them alone, but I really didn’t have a choice. I walked into my wardrobe and pulled out a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants and quickly changed into them. I pulled on a beanie and grabbed my lyric books before grabbing a pair of shoes and sliding them on.

I must have been a bit too loud because there was rustling in the bed and I saw Taehyung patting around with his hand. He sat up and squinted at me sleepily. “Hyungie? Where you goin’?” His voice was heavy with sleep. “What time is it?”

“It’s early, love. Go back to sleep. I need to go in to the studio.” I said, walking over to him to kiss him goodbye. “Come on lie back down.”

“But you were there all day yesterday.” He complained, whining slightly.

“I know, baby, I know. But all my work got deleted so I need to go back in to redo it.” I said. “And if I don’t meet the deadline then my mixtape will get pushed back even further and that wouldn’t be fair to ARMY.”

“But these songs aren’t even for your mixtape! They’re blackmailing you!” Taehyung exclaimed. “I wanna come with you.”

“Baby, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” I said, pushing his hair back out of his face.

“No it is! I could help you, and you always say two brains are better than one. We can get it done faster.” He argued, sounding determined. “And we can tell Kookie so he won’t get confused when he wakes up. We can leave him a note. Pleaseeeeee.”

I sighed. “Okay, fine. But get dressed quickly.”

Y/N POV:

I shivered under some of the clothes as I lay on the bench. I was too scared to sleep. He could appear at any moment and drag me home to give me the beating of a lifetime, and this time he could actually kill me.

Every time I heard footsteps I would freeze and not move, hoping that it wasn’t him, and that if it was, he wouldn’t see me. It was getting colder though, and I knew I would have to move in order to keep myself from getting hypothermia. 

I knew there was one thing that would be able to calm me down, and it would also keep me warm. I rifled through my pockets, trying to locate my headphones. My fingers wrapped around the wire and pulled it out. I groaned. They were all tangled and knotted. I began to pick them apart, finally freeing the individual earbuds. I plugged it into my phone and scrolled through my music until I picked a song that I wanted to dance to. Spring Day. It cheered me up a lot, and I loved the dance.

The notes flowed through my body, twisting and turning to the tips of my fingers and the ends of my toes. My body moved like the waves in this ocean of music, bending and stretching at the crests and troughs. I loved it. As I danced, I allowed my thoughts to

I had started dance when I was three. My mother had insisted that I was going to be a prima ballerina, or a professional dancer in a company, so she had me enrolled in any kind of dance you could think of. Baby ballet, baby tap, baby jazz, baby contemporary, baby street dance, baby modern, baby music theatre. Most of my life was spent dancing. As I got older, she put me into singing, art and drama classes. I dropped some of the dance classes: tap, modern and jazz. I was happy.

Then came the arguments. My mother and father started arguing over the amount of money that was being spent on me. We were quite a well-off family, both of my parents has respectable jobs with a decent salary. Income was good, and there was even some wiggle room for nice holidays. That was, until my dad became addicted to alcohol and spent all of our savings on the drink until there was barely anything left. 

My mother had to put some away secretly just to be able to pay for bills and my extra curriculars. But he found out, and that’s when the arguments started. I was eight at the time. He would accuse her of not trusting him, and she would accuse him of being an alcoholic and how that wasn’t a good environment for me to be in. 

The arguing would last for at least three hours each night and would end with one of them storming out the house. Most nights it was my father - probably to get even more drunk. My mother would slam the door to their bedroom and dissolve into tears. I would hear her sobbing herself to sleep, but I was too scared to comfort her.

One day, after a year or so, my father stormed out that door and never came back. My mother said it was for the best; in my mind, though, it was my fault. I was the one who had all the dance lessons and singing lessons and drama lessons and art lessons. I was the one who was using all their money. He liked to tell me that when my mother would storm out. He also liked to hit me. When my mother found the bruises and cuts, she lost it. That was what caused the arguments to get worse.

Things got better after he left. My mother got happier, found a new boyfriend. He was nice, buying me the latest iPhone or laptop. We were all happy.

And then I met him. He was the perfect boyfriend: kind, loving, everything you would want. But that’s the thing about love. It’s blind. It would be a few months before I realised who he was behind the mask he put on everyday. I should have realised that the relationship was moving too quickly. He asked me to move in with him after we had been together for just three months. As soon as I set foot inside that house, the door locked behind me, and the key hidden somewhere I could never find it. 

After a couple of weeks, the verbal abuse started. The name calling and insults and threats over something unimportant, like slightly burnt potatoes. I brushed it off as something normal. After all, it was my fault. I was the one who turned the oven up too high. 

Then came the physical abuse. At first it started off as slaps and small beatings, but it eventually lead up to him getting out his belt and whacking it across my face every night before beating me up with his fists. I don’t know what exactly caused him to do it. Sometimes he said it was me looking at another man, and other times it was just because of my presence. Either way, it was my fault and I deserved them. 

I tried to leave him. But he caught me, and I almost ended up in hospital from the force of his beating. My skin was mottled blue and purple for weeks. It was then I started self-harming. It was my fault.

I twirled as the song came to an end, catching sight of a figure standing in the shadow of the trees. My breath hitched in my throat. Had he found me? If he had, he was going to kill me for sure. 

Yoongi POV:

Just as I had thought Tae had fallen asleep on my couch, bundled up in my hoodie about an hour after we arrived at the studio. We had already retrieved the majority of the songs though.

He had got to work immediately, perching on my lap as he sang the demo song over the backing music, which thankfully I had saved. I loved Taehyung’s voice - it was deep and sultry, which was actually something that contrasted greatly to his personality he showed in private. After we’d been working for about fifty minutes, he began to yawn, curling up and leaning against my shoulder, watching me put together the backing tracks and the vocals and moving things around to create the songs. His favourite was ‘Black Swan’. 

“‘M sleepy, hyungie.” He mumbled against my collarbone.

I reached up and stroked his hair gently. “You can go and sleep on the couch. I’m almost done, baby.” He looked up at me through sleepily squinted eyes.

“You sure? I think I can stay awake a bit longer?” He said, yawning again. When he yawned he sometimes looked like a baby puppy. 

“No, baby, you’re tired.” I said, rubbing his back. “Go on, do you want my hoodie?” I asked.

“Mhm.” He nodded his head. He slid off my lap and made grabby hands at my hoodie. I pulled it off, leaving me in my white v-neck top, and handed it to him. He pulled it on and lay down on the couch, closing his eyes and almost instantly falling asleep. I smiled at him fondly before turning back to my work.

I only had one song left to do - my solo song on the album. I searched through my files, only to realise that my work on it had all disappeared. I groaned and saved everything before shutting my computer down. I needed to go for a quick walk to clear my head. I turned to look at Tae, who was curled on the couch in a deep sleep. The park I would go to to clear my head is only a five minute walk away from here. I would be thirty minutes tops. He wouldn’t wake up hopefully, and if he did, I was only a phone call away. 

I grabbed my extra hoodie and pulled on my jacket, gently closing the door to my studio. I walked out of the building and made my way to the park.

It was cold outside. The air bit at my exposed cheeks and nose as I walked. I pulled a mask on to insulate them. The park was calming and whenever I went there, it was quiet and if there was anyone there, they were elderly and didn’t know who I was. 

I walked through the gate of the park, pushing the squeaky barrier open. It appeared deserted, which wasn’t surprising considering that it was four am. But I still kept my guard up; you never know what crackheads will be around.

I was walking through the trees towards my favourite thinking bench when I saw her. She was dancing to some very familiar choreography. I stopped in my tracks. She was a beautiful dancer. I watched, awestruck as she flawlessly twirled and flipped and turned. It was then I recognised it. It was Jimin’s choreography in Spring Day. She must be a fan. She twirled one last time and stopped, facing me. Her face twisted into a look of terror as she ran to gather her things. On the bench I noticed, was a backpack and a pile of clothes.

“Wait!” I yelled after her, chasing her to talk to her. It was clear that something was troubling her, and I wanted to help her, not caring that she was an ARMY. “Let me help you! Please!” I caught up to her at the bench, where she had slightly calmed down. As soon as we made eye contact, something strange happened. All the greyscale colours in my world that I had grown used to melted away. My eyes were filled with dark greens and blues, clearly because of the darkness, but the moonlight shone down on her.

She was breath-taking. Her hair was a shiny, vibrant, Y/H/C, and her eyes shone like Y/E/C gems. She was holding her breath in surprise, probably recognising who I was.

“You’re Min Yoongi.” She said. “You’re my soulmate. This can’t be happening.” She was shocked and confused.

But I didn’t know what to do. Now that I had found my soulmate, did that mean I had to leave the others? We had never discussed the possibility of this happening. I looked at the girl in front of me and decided that I couldn’t leave her. Not like this. She looked scared, and from the looks of things, she was homeless. I had to look after her. And I swore to myself that I would. Until the end of time.

[dejunectar]

everything i wanted | Jaehyun

«« genre »» hurt/comfort, angst, fluff

«« pairings »» jaehyun x reader

«« warnings »» major character death, mentions of self-harm, suicidal ideations, alcohol abuse

«« summary »» 5 months after the death of your best friend, ((jungwoo {this ties into THIS jungwoo fic})) your boyfriend comes to visit you for the first time in awhile, worried and finds you in shambles & worse than he thought

«« song/inspiration »» everything i wanted by billie eilish & the anon who came up with this absolutely lovely idea <33

————————————————————

5 months. 3 weeks. 5 days. 19 hours. 43 minutes.

All the time that had passed since your best friend, your go-to, your number one person in the whole world, had decided to leave this life. The decision to leave his life. The decision to leave your life.

From the moment you got the phone call from Doyoung, who was short of breath and barely able to make a sentence, you knew your world was crumbling around you.

You’d never driven so fast in your life, but no matter how quickly you made it to the hospital, it would never make a difference. There was nothing you could do. There was nothing the boys could do. There was nothing the doctors could do.

You held onto your boyfriend, Jaehyun, for dear life as you watched the doctor walk towards your group with a grim frown. You listened in horror as he told you that there was no way to save him. They tried their best but it was too late. Jaehyun had to hold you up as your knees gave out on you, but even he barely had strength for himself.

You didn’t sleep that night. You didn’t sleep the next two weeks as a matter of fact. The only way you could get yourself to sleep was a Tylenol and a bottle of beer.

You spiraled. You were quickly losing touch with reality, waking up each day and forgetting that you couldn’t go to call Jungwoo to hang out. Each time the voicemail came up and you heard his voice it only shattered you more. You were turning into dust.

After a month, you moved out of your old apartment and left to a cabin in the woods that your parents used to own. They’d left it for you but you never visited until then. You thought moving out into the woods would help you clear your head.

Instead, you couldn’t escape it.

You were trapped in your own thoughts.

Each night only got progressively worse and worse.

Jaehyun made it a plan to drive up and visit you twice a week to make sure you were okay. Although things had gone tense between you two, neither of you wanted to break up. It was the last thing either of you needed. When he stayed with you in the cabin, you spent hours wrapped in each other’s arms.

One of you crying, the other consoling. Sometimes you both cried. Sometimes neither of you cried. Regardless, you spent the time wrapped up in each other, clinging as if the other were close to slipping away.

Unfortunately, Jaehyun hadn’t been up to the cabin to see you in just over a month. Your brain blamed you and your depression only made it worse. You began drinking again, but this time it was much heavier and much more often.

After you went through your beer supply, you slowly started going through the wine supply that your parents had kept away for celebrations.

One night, you couldn’t contain your thoughts and it all got too loud to handle. Crying led to yelling. Yelling led to throwing things. Throwing things led to glass being shattered around the entire place. The thoughts kept taking over. No matter how hard you tried to block them out, they refused to leave.

At last, you lifted a glass shard from the wooden floor and brought it to your skin.

Jaehyun finally made it up to your cabin. It was supposed to rain that night, and he was worried about you since you hadn’t returned his calls for a week. He blamed it on your poor service but made the trip up anyway.

He already had a key, so he let himself in, carrying groceries with him. As he made it into the door, his eyes scanned across the cabin.

Books were scattered, vases had been broken, glass covered a majority of the floor, and the furniture had dark and light stains all over it. He carefully set the groceries on the floor and hung his key beside the door before stepping into the place.

“Y/N? Y/N, I’m here!” he called out, walking in further. The farther he walked in, the more mess he saw. A deep sigh left his lips.

A loud thumping noise sounded from upstairs, causing him to look around once more before making his way up the stairs. When he entered the hallway, he noticed all of the pictures that once littered the walls were now taken down, leaving a lighter shade than the rest of the walls.

“Babe?” he called out once more, walking down to your room and swinging the door open. His eyes scanned the room for any sight of you. He didn’t see you anywhere but he heard a soft crying sound coming from your closet.

He breathed heavily before slowly moving towards the sound. When he finally approached the closet, his eyes fell to see you slumped to the ground with red everywhere. Your arms. Your thighs. The bottom of your feet.

“Oh God, Y/N—” he cursed under his breath and quickly pulled you up into him. Your blood painted his white shirt and jeans but he didn’t care. You continued crying, beginning to grow louder. “Why, why, why?” he hissed as he carried you to the bathroom.

You left your eyes on the ground, afraid to look him in the eye. Once in the bathroom, he sat you on the counter and began running bathwater. As he began to undress you, you shook your head and cried harder, leaning against his shoulder, “I can’t— I’m s— I’m so sorry, Jaehyun!”

He shushed your cries and ran a thumb across your cheek. “It’s okay, I’m here now, yeah? Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Once you were naked, he carefully led you into the bathtub and stopped the water. You didn’t hiss or flinch at the burning sensation the warm water caused towards your open cuts. You sat there, weakly leaning against the bathroom wall as Jaehyun searched for soap and a rag to clean you.

When he finished bathing you, he wrapped bandages around your arms, thighs, and feet. The cuts on your feet had come from the glass, and for this reason, he made sure to clean that up as well. Whilst you got dressed, he ordered pizza for both of you and began cleaning up the empty bottles that were scattered around the house.

It hurt to walk, so he demanded you stay sitting on the couch while cleaning up. Even though you offered to help countless times, he rejected the idea and reassured you that he wasn’t upset with you and wanted you to rest.

Sure enough, you dozed off for the first time in weeks, without the help of medicine or alcohol.

When you awoke, Jaehyun was beside you, watching a program on the TV. You didn’t speak up until he noticed you were awake and pressed a kiss to your temple.

“I’m sorry I’m putting you through this, I know you didn’t sign up for any of—”

He turned off the TV and hushed you. “Y/N, I love you. I know you’re not okay right now, and that’s okay. I’m not okay either. We lost someone we loved and we’re grieving. I’m not saying that I’m okay with you excessively drinking or hurting yourself, but I’m telling you that you don’t have to apologize to me for anything. If anything I should apologize to you for not coming up here sooner, okay?”

Tears welled up in your eyes and your lip trembled. You refused to look into his eyes, not feeling worthy enough. Jaehyun only sighed and pulled you in closer to him, pressing several kisses to your head and humming.

“I love you. Everything will be okay. It might not be okay right now, but it will be. I promise,” he mumbled and wrapped both arms around you. You took comfort in his arms and carefully crawled into his lap, wrapped your own arms around him.

For the remainder of the night, things were as they usually were. You both spent the time together in each other’s arms or just in each other’s presence. You were still shattered, but Jaehyun being there was enough to begin finding the pieces and gluing them back together.

It stormed heavily. Rain hit the windows and roof and lightning struck around the night sky, making claps of thunder rumble the world around you.

With the darkness surrounding you, your heart thudded against your chest with fear. Jaehyun felt you tense up in his arms as you laid in bed and automatically began humming softly to lull you to sleep. Within mere minutes, you were surely drifting back off into slumber.

———————————————————

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

for @bend-me-shape-me's spn advent calendar 2020. prompt: carols.

dedicated to @one-more-offbeat-anthem!! happy birthday <3

After Chuck's defeated, and Billie's gone, and the Empty has been bargained with (semantics, any of the Winchesters would say if you asked one of the four to elaborate) into returning Cas in exchange for eternal sleep, there's peace.

After they're done, and really done, there's time.

A moment to breathe, a minute to look at the clouds, and hours stretching endless, days on end, resonating with something resembling quiet.

And then, there's a guitar.

*

"Nope." Dean declares. "Never seen that thing in here before. And I once did Christmas inventory by myself, so I should know."

Sam snickers at Dean's cavalier tone. He'd been content to examine the instrument from a distance, unlike his brother, but that didn't mean he wasn't paying attention. "You had to do it yourself, Dean. Those were the exact words of the bet."

"I was drunk, and you hustled me!"

"You've known I play poker my entire life!"

"Well, yeah." Dean flashes his best shit-eating grin. "But you've sucked, your entire life, so —"

"— sure I have —"

"— your entire life has really just been a very long, very lame hustle!" Dean spreads his arms in a display of triumph. "And ergo, you hustled me into Christmas inventory-ing. The case is rested, your honor."

"That's not how you say —"

"Sam. Dean." Cas interjects, loud and exasperated. Sam shuts up immediately, eyes falling to his lap, while Dean exchanges a sheepish look with Cas (and Jack, who to his credit, seemed to be unaffected by the mini-feud. But that's less the part about him being God-Lite and more about him being himself. A kid who grew up watching his dads bicker endlessly and mostly, uneventfully, and has come to terms with it as a primary aspect of (at least, his) family.)

Cas, as usual, puts up with less of their crap. "Is this really necessary right now?"

Dean loves him for it, except when it's targeted at Dean and since that's kind of a lot, he isn't sure he loves it, or just loves Cas and generalises the things he does under the wider bracket of Cas.

"And if it's not," Cas goes on, using what is probably his I-led-garrisons-in-heaven voice, which automatically sends a shiver up Dean's spine. "Can we agree the guitar is, somehow, a recent addition and leave it at that?"

Sam nods slightly, apologetic. Dean just rolls his eyes, but it's a yes. (Everyone there knows it's a yes.)

"It's not cursed." Jack cuts in brightly. "Or out of the ordinary at all."

"So," Dean blinks. "We just happen to have an awesome new guitar show up, completely randomly, in this top secret Bunker no one know about, minus any ulterior motives or death curses?"

Jack grins. "Yes."

"Cool." Dean says immediately, and Sam huffs an amused laugh. He thinks he sees Cas smile as well, and a smirk grows on his face.

"Dibs."

*

Unsurprisingly, nobody counters his dibs, and Dean ends up taking the guitar to his room.

It's after a few days of insecurity, leading right into embarrassment, leading further to ignoring its existence, and further still to a mostly depressive array of memories — before it circles back to insecurity, and is about to repeat all over again, when he stops himself in his proverbial spiral, and decides to just friggin' do it.

That night, he picks up the pick.

Fiddles with it in his hands for a minute, and proceeds to abandon the idea again, because it does not feel right. Different shape, different weight.

And Dean Winchester's already enough of a misfit for this project, for his guitar pick to be a poor goddamn fit in his hand too.

But there's something about being so close that stirs up motivation in his heart, similar to the first day they found the damn thing, and next morning, he's out looking for a music shop in town.

That night, he finally plays.

It's uncertain — experimental — and he soon realizes why nobody ever says a damn thing about guitars when they say you never forget how to ride a bike.

But then, slowly, and really slowly at that, music seems to return to his fingers.

It isn't smooth by any chance, or even really accurate, but there's a faint tug in his brain that leads him to the next chord, and a twitch in his wrist that tells him when to strum, and he's awful, he's really friggin' awful, but even repeatedly saying so in his head refuses to dampen the overwhelming feeling that lights him up from the inside to start to feel like maybe he can play again. There's hope, and there's terrible, off-timed, broken music, and there's Dean in the middle of it, and maybe he can actually do this.

Recollection of how to play had come to his hands as they trembled, and tried, but the exhilaration of it, and the joy, only come back to his heart once he'd stopped, heart racing, adrenaline high, and unexplainable tears pricking his eyes.

Dean Winchester goes to bed that night, giddy in a way he hasn't been in years.

And outside his bedroom, his family of three exchange confused glances when the playing stopped abruptly, and then smiles when a sound that can only be said to bear semblance to a squeal, follows the silence.

(The first song Dean had played in over twenty five years had been Joy to the World.

It had also been the first song he'd ever learned — Cassie's choice, not his. Sam, Cas and Jack didn't know any of that. To them, it had just been a christmas carol. But there was also something so moving about that, soft in a way each of them knew Dean would fight against being, that they didn't realize they hadn't budged from Dean's door, long until faint snores replaced the quiet, and they left for their own beds, wordlessly already having decided on a plan for the next day.)

*

Cas knocks first on Dean's bedroom door, and all music immediately ceases. There's a yell from inside after ten seconds of a shuffling kind of silence.

"Yeah?"

"May I come in?" Cas asks.

Another pause.

Cas wonders worriedly if Sam and Jack were mistaken when they said that Cas had to be first, that he was their best shot at getting Dean to open up — the easiest past Dean's line of defense.

Then Dean says, a little quieter. "Yeah, sure."

Cas enters, gently closing the door behind himself before his eyes land on Dean — and he fights the urge to smile, because Dean hasn't kept away the guitar or anything. It's still on his lap, not in playing stance, with his arms folded over it — but he's not trying to hide it from Cas.

"Is everything okay?" Dean interrupts his reverie. Cas nods.

Neither of them say anything for a minute.

"Can I listen?"

Cas surprises himself with his own courage to ask — no twisted words or excuses to stay, just a simple question. Things were so rarely simple for them, but this wasn't a common occurrence either so it evened out.

"Y-yeah." Dean mutters.

Cas lights up.

"I suck, by the way." Dean adds, almost immediately. "But I'll suck less with time, I'm hoping. I mean, I'm supposed to, you know, but I — uh, I mean — maybe I —"

Cas realizes that he hadn't stopped smiling at Dean and that's what had made Dean falter, and he looks away, embarrassed.

"I'll just play, I guess." Dean manages smally, sounding as embarrassed as him.

"Please."

Dean clears his throat instead of playing.

"Yeah."

Cas can tell he's nervous. Even if he weren't good at, and very used to reading Dean, he could've gauged as much. And he wishes he had the right words, he really does, but he's aware a sincere speech of how much it means that Dean let him stay, and listen, would have the opposite effect of calming.

Then there's another knock on the door, and Cas relaxes.

"Dean?"

Sure enough, it's Jack.

Sam had explained how Dean was most likely, unfortunately, to deflect if he was there — "his denial fires up, Cas. I associate it with a parenting complex of some kind, and he just won't let go of it." — so the order had been decided as Cas, Jack and Sam. No overwhelming by arriving all three at once, or one after the other as if it were planned. No, they'd enter after some time, giving the previous person time to make Dean comfortable to them before the next enters.

Cas thinks it's a rather brilliant plan, and wonders if he should ask Sam to formulate a similar one to get Dean to open up about other things too. He doesn't, ultimately.

"Yeah?" Dean yells back.

"Have you seen Cas?"

That had been the plan.

"Yeah," Dean raises his voice to answer. "He, uh. He's right here. Come on in."

And Jack does, and eyes Cas with probably too much meaning (he means triumph) for Dean to not have noticed, before turning to the latter. "Oh. Were you about to play for Cas?"

Dean colors at that, his ears reddening almost instantly, and Cas files it away for pondering later.

"Can I be here too?"

And Dean's eyes widen a little — sign of anxiety, maybe understanding — and he licks his lips and then he nods. "I guess. I mean, okay, fine. But didn't you need Cas for something?" He adds, confused.

"I," Jack hesitates. Oh no, Cas thinks. Sam's prepared him for this, but Jack looks like he's about to, as Dean would say, wing it. And all-powerful or not, he knows his son is a terrible liar. "No, I just wanted to know if you'd seen him."

Dean narrows his eyes.

"Now I do know. That, uh, you've seen him." Jack braves on, determined to reach the bottom of the proverbial hole he'd dug for himself apparently. "So now, I don't need to know anything. Now I can stay."

Dean sighs.

"I can, right?"

There's a lightness in Dean's voice instead of tension when he says, "Yeah."

"Thank you." Jack says brightly, and all Cas can do is shake his head when Jack turns to him for feedback, and the both of them proceed to wear (nearly matching, but not on purpose) excited stares as they focus on Dean.

*

The final straw is when there's a third knock on the door, and Sam pokes his head in. One unconvincing "Where's everyone at?" later, he's joined Cas and Jack in staring with a unnecessary (and hopefully unintended) comfort-the-vic's-family smile at Dean.

God, he loves these dumbasses and would give his life for everyone present in the room, but none of them can act for shit.

It's glaringly obvious they've all respectively shown up to listen to him play.

Which is bullshit in itself, because Dean wasn't being modest when he told Cas he sucks — he does suck. But then, he doesn't think any of them would mind. Sam would probably unlock new levels of the puppy eyes if he knew how happy even playing awfully, made Dean. Jack would be blunt, of course, but undeterringly sweet. And Cas? He'd probably smile at him all the way through, just — that smile of his, that always seems to make time freeze and Dean's heart stutter.

So Dean decides magnanimously to not call them out.

Right away, anyway.

Instead, he turns to them with a question. "Any requests?"

(He can't play one of the only songs he remembers having learned without errors yet, so obviously asking for requests is the right way to go. But you see, once you've given up on impressing, it's only fair to see yourself to the end of the chaos.)

"Christmas carols." Jack answers before anyone else.

"It's May."

"Sam's," Jack swallows. Dean should really get on teaching the kid how to lie. "Sam's making me listen to carols."

"In May?" He asks his brother this time.

Sam shrugs, struggling to keep a diplomatic face.

"You're going to grow up to be the young adult who doesn't take off the Christmas lights in January." Dean informs Jack, who absorbs his words with all the seriousness Dean should have expected. "And, fine. We can do carols."

Cas speaks up. "Any carol you'd like, Dean."

"Nah," Dean shakes his head. "Jack requested it. We'll do what he says." And he insists to his conscience that he said so because he wants to make Jack happy, and not because he's well aware the kid isn't being subjected to carols by Sam in friggin' May, and probably doesn't know any.

"Oh." Jack's face falls. He looks at Sam in the most conspicuous way anyone's ever looked at anyone. "I —"

"Uhhuh?"

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!" Cas blurts, on behalf of Jack, and there's a two second gap where Sam facepalms and Jack exchanges a conspirational glance with Cas, and then Dean's throwing his head back and laughing.

And soon, Sam's joining in with an exasperated kind of chuckling as if he's gotten stuck in the wrong team but he doesn't regret a thing, and then Cas starts too, mostly from looking at Dean losing his shit (Dean strictly ignores thinking about that part and focuses on imprinting Cas's laugh to memory) and probably also because the ridiculosity of the entire situation probably struck him, and of course Jack's smiling at all of them, and it's, altogether, everything Dean could ever have wished for.

The evening ends with Dean playing Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer (of course) for at least an hour while consistently getting better at the repeating music, and although it's him humming under his breath (like he always has while playing) that starts it off, soon all of them are offering their own awful renditions to the chaos. Cas is off-key, Sam somehow manages to screw up the lyrics, and Jack is as flat as a friggin' plateau.

And it all comes together in a wholly unmelodious kind of awesome — to Dean the same way they say a mother's love comes through for an ugly child.

After Rudolph, it's Silent Night (another song Dean's learned, it hits him, once he's trying to find the right chord) and even Cas manages to look disappointed at the lyrics Sam and he come up with to make up for not knowing the real ones, and since Jack's never heard this one, he simply listens in rapt attention leaving Dean wondering if he probably ended up learning the wrong version on account of all his concentration.

And last of all, it's We Wish You A Merry Christmas, and Dean plays the chorus enough times that he's perfect at it, because for once, no one messes up the beat or the lyrics, and everyone has the most fun.

All in all, it's an evening to remember.

What Dean learns through it all is primarily the lesson that letting your family think they tricked you into having an audience is sometimes an excellent choice to make, and that things can be crap, but still be enjoyed. That doesn't mean he's not going to practice his ass off learning to play at least the choruses of the Led Zepp tracks he gifted Cas (the idea came to him in bed last night, and Cas has always sounded like he enjoyed them, okay?) so he can play them 'for Cas' as the kid so casually put — but then, some things are different from other things, just the way some love's different too.

And while some things are about efforts, and saying the words that scare you, others are about letting go, and singing carols in bright and sunny May.

The only thing Dean's sure about is that just about all of it comes down to being free.