#chef kiss. this is so sad alexa play yellow by YOH KAMIYAMA

[ccaptain]

The affair of H:SR Kaeya's real name is more complicated than one would imagine: people that conceal their own out of convenience would agree that telling it to their most trusted one(s) would be a great display of love and trust, to give to your other one and put their identity in the palm of their hands over the dying embers of a bonfire, over a pillow, over twined hands. It's a vulnerability that they're willing to face, entrusting their old identity to their closed ones.

Kaeya is unsure if he will ever get this priviledge, achieve this level of intimacy with anyone- for he has nothing to give them, in this regard.

The memories of his past life, after such a long time of him existing, seeing and experiencing things, have faded together in an unfamiliar blur of informations that he feels has happened to another person- the one that has been burned away, the things related to ''him'' nothing but ashes. In a sense, he's right- these things have happened to another person.

The memories of his birth planet, the faces and voices of his biological parents, the way buildings fell apart under the Great Catastrophe around him- the memories before the man named ''Gallagher'' saved him belong to someone else. And that someone else no longer relates to him.

It's not just that- even if he made an effort to remember what his identity was before ''Kaeya Alberich'', the young man that he was had been consumed to the bone by the blaze that changed him into a being of Enigmata: he no longer exists. There's no risk in invoking the Rain of Sensation upon himself, as he cannot perceive an identity that has, by long, been left behind. Gallagher made sure his stray could not be erased by the intricate matters of the Enigmata- he could utter his old name, but it would have no meaning, for he's no longer that joyous young man that thought of the transformation and travels as adventures.

He's just an aimlessly traveling thing, pretending to be human.

All that he is now is ''Kaeya Alberich'', now and until he chooses to be- and not being "Kaeya Alberich" summons a deep terror within him. It's the only time where he feels fear and confusion- not for himself, but for Kaeya's. Who will remember the quartermaster, the cavalry captain of Teyvat, if ''Kaeya'' doesn't carry him?

The parasocial commitment he made to Kaeya is so strong that he has not been able to modify anything about the appearence of his avatar- despite how uncomfortable long hair make him and how much care and time it all requires to be washed and untagled; it's another hindrance in his life that he takes without lamenting.

Each time he tried to think about brandishing a pair of scissors to put his own comfort first, he has been outright attacked by the paralyzing terror of altering his old friend's looks- to displease the long-deceased ghost over his shoulder that raises his brows and chides him with a stern ah-ah-ah! weren't you the one who wanted my body this much, as a mausoleum? then, you'll take it as it is- carrying a burden is forever, and forever you have chosen to carry it.

( the crushing guilt that he feels is enough to cloud his judgement to anything that isn't a certaint strongly negative reaction from the imaginary young man in his imagination; he'll never understand that Kaeya is truly and forever gone- dead bodies do not react. dead bodies do not judge- and they do not mourn a body who has, by now, rotted. dead bodies also give no closure. he should really be reminded of this fact. )