#SHIP SO HARD THAT IMAGINE SOME SCENARIO THEN DIE FROM ADORABLE and lonely

[hoddentobby]

Wind bun x The Bard

[emotional-support-demon-crowley]

I can’t stop thinking about Good Omens...

SPOILERS AHEAD. This is mostly based on the show though I’ve read the book many times over the years. Though it’s not the point or the purpose of what follows, you could boil this whole theory down to ‘god shipped an angel and a demon so hard she made the earth and humanity so they could meet and fall in love and then she created an ineffable plan in which they also managed to save it’.

So here goes. Both Aziraphale and Crowley are very different from their respective counterparts. 

Aziraphale is genuinely nice and agonizes over being good and doing the right thing when all of the others of his ilk that we meet really don’t. 

There’s a lot of evidence that Crowley is basically the same. Sure, he rolls his eyes at the other demons methods because they aren’t thinking big enough, but really, I think he just can’t stomach targeting evil towards a single individual. In truth, he’s pretty appalled when he encounters the evils dreamed up by humanity. And yeah, he’s stylish af and full of bravado, but that just makes the rest of the demons resent even him more.

So one day, bam! god creates the earth and both heaven and hell have the same thought. They both independently seem to have said to these misfits, “We have a very important job for you. The humans must be monitored. Go very far away from us and keep tabs on that. For 6000 years.”

So Aziraphale and Crowley show up on earth and I think in general they’re thrilled to be away from the repressive, toxic environments they came from. But they’re still fundamentally lonely.

From this perspective, their first conversation in the garden is so perfect. They are both adorable cinnamon rolls that are starved for attention and desperate for camaraderie, so Crowley decides to just strike up a conversation. What has he got to lose? And they both seem sort of excited/amused that they have a pleasant interaction. It’s probably the best conversation they’ve had maybe ever based on all the other angels and demons we meet. 

I think it’s very telling that Aziraphale never admits to anyone else that he gave the sword away. He tells Crowley, one of his mortal enemies, after like half a minute of nice chit chat. And he gets all happily flustered when Crowley, despite the light sarcasm, says that he doesn’t think Aziraphale could do the wrong thing. This is in stark contrast to how he’s treated by everyone in heaven who constantly reinforce that he’s not measuring up to angel standards at every turn.

This scenario would explain why neither side really seems to check up on them. They’re reporting back, sure, but no one is bothering to verify facts on either side. Crowley does make the presentation about the highway, but honestly, that really looks more like hell’s monthly mandatory torture luncheon than an actual exchange of information. Everyone in attendance looks like their soul is being crushed, their brain is about to dribble out their ear, and they are keenly aware that they are currently in actual hell.

So Crowley and Aziraphale progress through all of human history and they just keep meeting up. And sure, maybe they disagree a little on their fundamental view points, but the interactions are always respectful and pleasant. Before long, they begin to do a series of increasingly large favors for each other.

In the church, Crowley set the rescue into motion, but he relied on Aziraphale to actually keep him from being discorperated. We know demons don’t trust each other, but Crowley has perfect faith that his angel will go against what heaven would expect him to do and save them both. And while we’re here, I’ve seen a few posts implying that Aziraphale might struggle if forced to chose between books and Crowley, but when the literal bombs were literally falling from the sky, we all saw where his priorities were.

I’ve also seen posts that propose the theory that Crowley didn’t realize he loved Aziraphale until he lost him, but I don’t think that can possible be the case. In my mind, Crowley realized what Armageddon would actually cost him well in advance. When he’s gently prodding about no more old book shops or classical music, he’s actually trying to get his angel to think about what else he might never see again. When he’s talking about how horrible eternity in heaven will be, the worst detail is who it will be spent with or in this case, without. Crowley isn’t trying to manipulate or trick Aziraphale into saving the world, he’s trying to get him to realized that the end of the world is the end of their relationship. That might feel like a stretch at first until you consider that as soon as Crowley accepts that saving the world might not be possible, he immediately goes into panic mode and suggests they run away together. Crowley has realized that Armageddon is going to rip them apart and take away the only place they’ve ever been happy. No matter which side wins, they’ll both be facing their own version of hell - spending all of eternity suffering because they can’t spend it together.

This explains why Crowley is so set on convincing Aziraphale that the two of them have to reject their origins and chose each other. When he says Our Side, he isn’t talking about their arrangement, or rebelling, it’s about the fact that all of heaven and hell put together does not deserve either of them. And that’s why he becomes so agitated when he gets shut down. Aziraphale has that moment where his voice catches when he tells him “You can’t leave Crowley” like he felt a pang of that same sense of loss, but he still hasn’t thought through the larger implications because he’s still so sure there must be a way to stop it.

And then Crowley tries again and fails again and responds in anger again. And before he can try a third time, he loses Aziraphale.

I agree with the theory that Crowley has some supernatural method to kept track of Aziraphale. His frequent last minute appearances are too timely to be pure luck. So when he gets discorperated, for the first time in centuries, if not millennia, there’s silence. 

This explains why Crowley gives up. Because Crowley wasn’t fighting to save the world. Crowley was fighting for a safe place where he and his angel to continue to exist together. Without Aziraphale, there’s no point, the thing he feared most has already happened.

Which also means that everything he does once his hope is restored, he does for love. He sacrifices the Bentley for love, because deep down some part of him had to know the car would never be the same after what he was about to put it through. And yeah, he mourns it, but he doesn’t go to a bar and give up on stopping the end of the world because it’s gone.

And he recognizes Aziraphale instantly, even in a different body. Initially I assumed angels and demons could just see and identify soul, but based on how they resolve things in both heaven and hell no other angels or demons posses this ability. And Crowley compliments the outfit! Considering this is probably the first time Aziraphale has worn anything that isn’t a shade of white since the French revolution, it’s just a terrific example of positive feedback and support.

And then somehow, they manage to succeed. Apocalypse averted. And when Gabriel angrily asserts that everyone knows who is responsible, Crowley grins like a silly, love struck idiot. Did he just save the world just so he could stay with his angel? Hell yeah! He’s proud as fuck.

But then he feels something gut wrenching and he realizes that they saved the world, but they won’t survive to enjoy it, and Crowley gives up again. I imagine somewhere deep down he had the horrible, tragic thought that at least this time he wouldn’t be left alone - they would both die, but his suffering would be brief. And then Aziraphale threatens to never speak to him again. And Crowley’s brain does some math: 

Dying together = We are FUCKED! 

Dying together while Aziraphale is refuses to speak to me = No, fuck that noise!

Crowley is inspired and the world is well and saved, for now anyway, He FINALLY gets Aziraphale to agree they truly are on their own side, so they prepare to face the combined wrath of heaven and hell. During the proceedings, they both have a moment and it looks like fear, like they’re gathering themselves for the grisly end they’re about to face - until you know about the switch. When you consider they are both fully aware they aren’t facing any danger, I think that moment is actually both of them processing not only the fact that this could have been how they lost the other, but also that this is the shitty way that the person they love and cherish more than the entire world itself has been treated since the beginning of time. I’ve re-watched it a few times and I like to think I see anger and that sort of hopeless empathy feeling you get when you wish you could undo the pains someone you care about has already felt.

So yeah, I think the ineffable plan was that god decided all those ass-hat angels and demons who only wanted a war deserved to be disappointed in the biggest way possible, all except for these two lovable cream puffs who decided to chose love instead. Also, Crowley could have avoided a lot of wasted time, heartache, and shenanigans if he’d just said “I love you, angel, and the thought of being separated from you is more painful than anything I ever experienced in  hell.” But honestly, I kind of love that everything they do whenever they’re together basically screams how much they love and care for one another without them ever actually saying it. 

[crinkled-emotions]

Autumnal Asks

I was tagged by @its-me-theicequeen

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

So, I met my oldest best friend when I was 7 (I'm 17 now damn) and basically we started talking because we both liked horses I think. We fought like crazy and we're in completely different states of Australia now but I still love her heaps and love talking to her when I get the chance.

The second best friend I made when I was 12. We actually didn't talk until I was 13 or 14 when I properly became friends with her. To this day I still consider her one of my closest friends. Fun fact; we hated each other for a period of time.

Oof, now the girl I could seriously consider my second sister at this point- we met at the start of the year due to being one of the only four new kids in our dorm at school. We met during orientation, and haven't separated since. She's hilarious and always up for a fight, but luckily the mum friend in me always stop her before she does something stupid haha.

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

Mate, you've got a lot to learn. I know it seems like your life is great and you know everything there is to know, but tone down the know it all and actually give people the time of day to talk to you. You never know, maybe you'll stop being lonely.

maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

You know, I actually really love netball; the sport, if you haven't heard of it before. My friend plays it and I got to be good at it when I was younger, but I hated the girls at my school therefore I didn't pursue it, so my netball career never exactly started off. Would definitely give it a good go now, in fact I'm starting next year. It's never too late!

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why?

I can't answer this. Personally, I relate to Georgie from Heartland; gosh, I love her. She is mature and level headed, but underneath that calm personality shows a girl who doesn't know what she's doing the next day, let alone with her life.

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

Hm. My style is really simple, so it'd probably be full of comfy t-shirts, 5sos merch, SuggLife hoodies, black skinny jeans and Converse. Maybe a pair of vans or my slippers. Life would be great my dudes. Ooh, actually I would love to have a shit ton of makeup just to experiment and play around. It's a lot of fun tbh.

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

I was going to say nothing, but then I thought about this tomato pasta thing my mum makes and I used to HATE it- like my mum would threaten me with bed or eating it and I'd just go to bed- but now I actually adore it and it's probably one of my favourite meals; especially with heaps of parmesan cheese. Yum.

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

I'm one of those people that doesn't really have unpopular opinions- either I think of them right before they become popular, or I see someone say something and I just agree with it. That being said, I ship Joe and Byron hardcore and no one really seems to so I guess that counts?

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?

I would die on the first day. I'm no good when I'm camping, I can't imagine how I'd be in that kind of situation. I'd probably hide somewhere and never come out.

jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?

Anna Maynard! She is so humble and shy and relatable and GORGEOUS. Her eyes look gorgeous against her blonde hair, and she always wins with her makeup. Total babe, 10/10 would recommend. Also super happy for her with her new gig hosting a talent show, that sounds awesome!

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

Yes, actually! I used to dream that the house on the end of my street was haunted- I moved before I could explore it sadly. I might try when I go back there for the Summer

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

Well actually, it's spring for me oops but hey. I can join the Americans/ the Brits for a while. Honestly, this spring for me would be the prime time for me to work on my horse riding, especially my jumping since that's my favourite thing. I'd also like to start my first full- length Joe x Byron story after my exams.

crow - which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

Math. I HATE math and I'm the dyslexic where I only struggle with math (I mess numbers up constantly, can't keep track of formulas, think a 7 is a 1 sometimes etc etc...) so if I could improve anything it would be my math. My ATAR score would soar up. That or my plant production course- I'm not the best at that course and I don't enjoy it but I'd like to try harder in it and improve my grades.

bonfire - describe your dream house.

I'm one of those sad people who are either in the middle of the city with everything accessible, or a farm with a tiny town fifteen minutes away. I'm kind of leaning toward the farm (I'm at agricultural school so I'm biased lmao) so that my kids have plenty of room to run around, get dirty, and learn how to take care of themselves. I'm big on independence but also being able to scrape your knee etc. I'm not a bubble wrap-type of person, I don't think.

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

You know what? This is going to sound so random, but I would love to visit the 1850's during the gold rush in Victoria, Australia- a lot happened and I would have loved to experience it. I've done a lot of research about those times and they were rough, but I think it'd make you a better person in the long run.

cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school?

I graduate next year lol, not sure I'll miss it for a couple of months after that.

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

My eyelashes and my eyes! Since I'm Irish, my hair is really thick and it's dark so my eyelashes are naturally long and thick. I always get lots of compliments on them which is really nice for an insecure little shit like me. My eyes also get lots of compliments since they change with my mood hahahaha.

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

I was standing in line for Maccas and one person tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and she complimented me on my SuggLife hoodie! It was really nice of her but super sudden. I can't really call that weird but I still remember it. It's either that or the time a guy pushed me out of the way as he ran from the cops. That was terrifying.

quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee)?

I hate tea (with a passion), and I don't drink normal coffee since it reacts badly with my anxiety medication. I drink decaf though, and I put in two teaspoons of both coffee and sugar, sometimes a little more sugar than coffee. I'm more of a hot chocolate person to be honest.

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

I've seen a lot of shit, been through a lot of shit, but I don't believe humans are inherently bad. I think there's always a breaking point for everyone, and once it's reached it's hard for someone to go back to the way they were.

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

I'm freakishly neat a majority of the time, but when I'm sad I don't clean my room or change my sheets and it gets really gross. That reminds me, I need to clean my room again.

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date?

To go on a bad date, you have to have been on a date right?

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?

I wish I still had my long hair! I recently chopped all the ombre off and now my hair barely goes past my shoulders which sucks. I'd love to redo my ombre when my hair is a lot longer and healthier. I want it healthy before I damage it again.

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life?

Yes, actually. It sounds random but I grew up with this guy since we were born (he's two months older than me) and we sort of hated each other but I was honest with him and he was honest with me, we had a good system. Our parents were close friends and I haven't talked to him at all since I moved from Victoria, but I wish him all the best. He was one of the rudest, asshole-ish guys when I was a kid, but it kept me on my toes so I guess that's a good thing.

I'm also tagging people on Wattpad! For Tumblr, I tag: @seductivebuttercreams. Good luck

[angstymarshmallow]

My Little Trailblazer - Kaitlyn x MC Fanfic

[A little note: A cool bean I know requested a part 2 of A Kindled Flame and if you haven’t already you should head on over here to read before reading this. This is supposed to take place the same night that Kaitlyn came home in tears after realizing she was flunking her spring semester. I was always going back to write another kaitlyn x mc fanfic but I just didn’t know if it’d be as well received like the last time because of my clear ineptitude to romance. I’m sorry it’s so long. Here’s to a happy end of the spring semester for this adorable ship. Woo boy; in any case this fanfic is for you and for all the kaitlyn x mc shippers out there!]

[Summary: Studying isn’t helping MC to forget and neither is pretending that the break up didn’t happen. When Kaitlyn comes home - with fresh tears and a plea for forgiveness, MC realizes how much her little trailblazer meant to her. No matter how much distance she’d given her; it didn’t make loving her any less - possible. ]

I don’t want to miss her anymore. 

If I couldn’t deny that I did, at least I could wish I didn’t. At least I could wish fervently that things could change - that the longing inside my heart would one day cease. It was some sort of downward spiral; that was the only thing I could think of it as. A flame I was still drawn to but now that it had burned me so deeply; could I ever begin to pick up the pieces she left behind? A trailblazer in her own right that had taken so much of me with her when she left. 

I couldn’t extinguish what I felt for her. The flame wavered from time to time but it was still there. Weeks later and it was nowhere near dying out the way it should. I thought distance would have allowed it to flicker and die out. Instead, it remained nestled inside my heart. She brought me the sun and without her all I had left was this blistering cold and emptiness. She left me distant reminders of her sunshine.

I kept pushing myself to write, to study – distractions from missing her. Except the second I let my guard down, my thoughts wandered. They would drift and remember how many nights she spent snuggled inside my arms, how many afternoons we spent doubled over laughing at nearly being caught together in dressing rooms, and when I gave into the temptation to scroll through old photos of us – all of it reminded me of how much I missed her.

They were wrong. Out of sight, hadn’t meant she was out of mind.

I left early.

She came home late.

It was our cycle.

My eyes would linger a little longer than necessary by her room, hoping to catch any sign of her while the other part of me couldn’t fathom what to do if I did. I imagined her concert as some sort of nightmare; she never said those words to me. The words that had pierced my heart. I would imagine she was inside my room instead, waiting for me to come home. But as soon as I stepped inside our dorm, that wistful thinking shattered. 

Maybe it would have made everything worse between us. Or maybe she was hurting as much as I was; maybe all I had to do was to reach out to her, to stop the feelings of isolation we were feeling from turning into barriers. I loved her, I never stopped loving her.

Why is this so hard? Why does loving someone have to hurt so much? I was angry, hurt - but most of all I was lonely. I wish someone had an answer for me, some response that would put everything back into perspective because living without Kaitlyn was like not having enough air to breathe.

The only people I could look to for guidance didn’t understand what I was going through. They weren’t in my circumstances. Abbie and Tyler were always solid; I haven’t even seen them have a real argument before. Zack and Brandon were perfect; and even with all the distance between them – they somehow managed to make it work.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and I were an utter mess.

“What’s lithium oxide’s ionic compound and when does it result in a solid compound with a high melting point?”

The question startled me. “Hmm?” I muttered absently before bringing my attention from the outside of my thoughts. I blinked rapidly, taking in my surroundings until I realized for the fourth time today that I had forgotten where I was.

Zack flicked a small piece of paper at me, “C’mon Naomi, focus here. We’re nearly through Chemistry.”

Shrugging sheepishly, I stared at my untouched bagel and muttered a stiff apology.

Right. We were supposed to be studying.  I couldn’t remember how long I had been sitting here, lost inside my own thoughts but the nonsensical scribbles at the bottom of my page probably meant that I hadn’t been paying attention for awhile.

The four of us sat cross-legged inside the living room. Notes and textbooks were scattered all around us, and were turning into unorganized stacks that were piling up with each subject we tackled. Zack was currently writing something down while Tyler and Abbie exchanged worried glances before looking back at me.

Life around me seemed to move on despite my own inner turmoil. Finals were nearly here and most nights were spent studying with the rest of my suitemates, except for the quiet moments when I wanted to be alone. It was slowly turning into one of those moments. 

We were supposed to be studying Chemistry when my mind had wandered again. I thought this would have been the distraction I needed, but it hadn’t made a difference. I couldn’t find my focus. Weeks had passed by, and yet I felt just as lost as I had been that night.

I hid my scribbled notes under the crook of my arm and apologized again. I forced a smile, “I know you’re just trying to help me get in the zone, and I appreciate it.” I took a deep breath. I knew they felt the but coming even before I said it. “But maybe I should study alone.” Maybe I need to be alone. I added silently. I handed Abbie the rest of my highlighters before standing.

“Or maybe you should just stay and listen.” Zack’s voice was laced concern, “You don’t have to participate you just –” He lowered his voice, “shouldn’t be alone.”

His words hurt. But they weren’t wrong. I used to relish being alone; I used to enjoy the silence because being alone used to be familiar before them - before Kaitlyn. I just needed to find a way to feel comfortable with the idea again. Though some part of me was touched by their worry, the rest of me felt guilty that I was slowing them down. “It’s fine really. I’m fine.” The words felt off, and so does the small smile I gave them. If studying wasn’t going to give me the break I needed – then nothing was going to work. Better to just get back to it when I felt a little less likely to fall apart.

I grabbed my textbooks, “Some alone time will do me some good.”

Another round of worried glances. “Really, I’m fine.” I insisted again, feeling a little irritated by their concern. I was used to being the person that held us altogether. I was used to poking my head into other people’s lives but not the other way around. Their worry unsettled me, I wasn’t doing that badly…was I?

I took another deep breath to try and settle my nerves. My grip tightened on the books inside my arms. “Thanks for worrying about me, but I guess what I really need is some time.” I just want to forget – but then I don’t want to forget. “And maybe that means being alone for awhile.”

Zack was the first one to say anything. The rest of them were still looking at me with the strange entanglement of worry even though they pretended not to; with forced smiles on their faces. They didn’t seem as if they were inclined to stop me if I suddenly bolted. “We get it.” Zack softly said.

“Thanks.” I turned on my heels with the intention of tossing my books through the window being the likely scenario before I heard the turn of the front door. Automatically my eyes flew up in question towards the noise and the string of cursing that accompanied it.

I froze. She wasn’t supposed to be home yet.

I sucked in a deep breath as my eyes found hers – and held.

I couldn’t move. I felt stuck, like somehow seeing her only reminded me painfully how much I missed her. The books fell out of my grasp and I couldn’t tear myself away to stop them from falling before they clattered on the floor.

She had been crying. Even though she tried to hide it with soft makeup, I could still tell. All the playfulness that I was accustomed to seeing was missing and her eyes were tinged with regret and a pinch of tiredness. Her expression was so desolate, so painfully sad that it made my heart hurt - I had to touch my chest to make sure my heart was still there.

I couldn’t look away; my eyes drank in every detail of her. Her hair was different, all side-swept together into a messy ponytail with streaks we dyed what felt like a lifetime ago. Her hands shook as she stepped inside. All of my instincts were telling me to go to her, to say something extremely lame in an attempt to break the uneasy silence that fell once we saw her. I wanted to wipe that expression off her face so badly. But then I remembered; she wasn’t mine anymore.

Right. Distance. I hugged myself instead, and waited like the rest of our suitemates for her to speak.

Her eyes looked defeated, and sadness clung to her every move. Her feet shuffled and she dropped her belongings before she choked out a sob.

“Kaitlyn…?” I trailed off, uncertainly. It had been awhile since I said her name out-loud. It came out like a breathy sigh.

When her eyes caught mine again – it seemed to have broke it. Whatever thing that had poisoned us. Suddenly she was rushing, practically sailing across the room until she could throw her arms around me. “I’m sorry!” She choked out.

I didn’t have time to think, my body which had become so accustomed to her automatically shifted until I could press my lips to her neck. She didn’t stop me and I inhaled her familiar scent, trying to comfort myself with the fact that she was really here. I couldn’t speak not yet, I didn’t want to break this. I wanted to keep her here. I ran my hands over her back trying to soother the gentle cries that came from her.

The clear of someone’s throat made her pull back long enough to explain. “I know I’ve been kind of a jerk lately,” She gave a half-smile that didn’t reach her eyes and took another large step back enough for me to remember how to breathe. Her words were for everyone but her eyes never left mine. “And I’m so sorry for pushing you all away – I just thought I had everything figured out and. And.” Her breath hitched.

“Slow down.” My voice was soft, barely a whisper. I kept my hands by my side even though they were itching to wipe her tears away. Even though they were itching to touch her again. “What’s wrong?”

“Honestly, what isn’t wrong?” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “I’m pretty sure I won’t make it through finals.” She collapsed inside our sofa and buried her face inside her hands. “All of the skipped classes…all the missed assignments…They’ve finally caught up to me.” When she glanced back up at us again, at me - she handed me a half-open letter. “It’s from Harfeld.”

The rest of our friends pooled around me and peeked over my shoulder to see the letter. My hands shook a little as I opened it. I read it quickly, and blinked rapidly at the words; not believing with my own eyes the words that were so clearly written. Crap, she was failing everything. “Kaitlyn, didn’t you check your emails?” I asked glancing down at her. “Usually schools give some kind of notice….”

 “Yes.” She bit her lip as her face fell again. “Okay no,” She sighs in frustration, “It’s been awhile I guess.” Her eyes searched the room but like an invisible force between us; they kept landing back to mine. “I know I have no right to ask you guys –”

“You don’t even have to ask.” Abbie interrupted, “We’re here for you.” She waited a beat before glancing at the rest of us for affirmation. “Right guys?” 

One by one we all nodded. Then nodded a second time, more fiercely. “No one goes to sleep tonight!” Zack cheered. We were going to be an unstoppable force until Kaitlyn’s finals were finished.

“Chris says he’ll be here soon too, so it’s a group effort.” I mumbled glancing at my phone. He sent his text not too long ago, but I had been too preoccupied at the time to give it much thought.

Kaitlyn’s lips trembled before she uttered a small sigh. It sounded like a sigh of relief. “Thanks guys,” She bit her lip, “…I don’t even know if I deserve this.” She wasn’t looking at any of us anymore.

“We can talk about that later.” I interrupt with a thin smile I didn’t feel as her eyes followed the sound of my voice. “Right now, we have work to do.”

I wasn’t imagining the tension in the room as we all sat together on the floor. And much to my surprise - Kaitlyn sat beside me; with only two feet separating us once we started. I couldn’t deny the rush I felt with her being so close even as I tried to ensure there was enough between us for me to remain clear-headed.

I didn’t say anything at first. Abbie lead us through the first subject – Shakespeare’s Hamlet and before long we began reviewing all of Hartfeld’s materials – subject by subject. At first, I only peeked at her from the corner of my eyes every now and then as everyone else tried their hardest to get the subjects to stick. Gratefully, no one mentioned how stiff I was. Eventually, I couldn’t hold onto it any longer. The anger. The pain. I had to force it back so that I could help. Wasn’t this what I wanted anyway? To see Kaitlyn reunited with us…but more than that I wanted her here, for me. 

Tension began to dissolve as I joined in, adding my own helpful hints as we tackled each subject tirelessly. It was a team effort - all of us here tonight, working together the way we used to before all the drama started. 

Every now and then my eyes strayed to her. Her familiar smile, the look of surprise that gradually transitioned into sudden joy when something stuck and the indecisive looks she sent in my direction when she thought I wasn’t looking. I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t resist. It was torture, being so close but never being close enough. “Can we take a break?” I asked abruptly, some time later.

It was close to two in the morning. We all could use a break.

Abbie and Tyler yawned before agreeing meanwhile Chris and Zack hesitated as they waited for Kaitlyn’s response.

“Yeah, sure. This would be a good time for snacks anyway.” She said finally.

A minute passed between all of us before the rest of our suitemates suddenly began making up excuses; Zack ventured for a coffee run, Tyler and Abbie disappeared into their room - something about grabbing a couple fresh highlighters and Chris excused himself to the kitchen.

I knew they were all doing it for my benefit, even if they weren’t subtle about it. We sat in silence - me nibbling on my bottom lip and Kaitlyn hunched over her notebook before I glanced up at her.

Her eyes met mine at the same time, and it felt as if my heart was splitting in two. God, she was beautiful. I looked away, suddenly finding it hard to look at her. Hard to even breathe. I need a break.

I stood, stretching my stiff joints before tucking my binder once again under my arm. “I’ll be in my room.” I mumbled. I didn’t get far. Before I could take another step, I felt her hand encircle my wrist.

The simple touch sent a jolt, a spark inside my veins. Even the slightest touch caused a reaction. No, I hadn’t missed her any less. I inhaled sharply and pressed my eyes closed for a moment. I waited until the initial feeling faded long enough for me to turn to her with uncertain eyes. “Yeah, Kaitlyn?” I waited expectantly.

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. 

I watched the indecision flicker inside her eyes. Then the fear before she looked away.

What’s she thinking? What’s she so afraid of? I would give anything to know.

Finally, I decided to put her out of her misery and broke the silence between us. “My room?” I inquired softly.

She nodded before slowly rising. She didn’t release my hand as we walked cross the hall, past the kitchen, and past the other rooms. She was the one leading me to my room with all the clinging familiarity a lover should.

I closed the door behind us once we got inside.

She plopped herself on my bed. She hugged her knees and an awkward, almost uncomfortable quietness filled the room.

I kept a safe distance away. I didn’t trust myself to be any closer. I pressed my back firmly against the door as I waited for her to speak.

She didn’t say anything. Not at first. I could almost see the wheels turning inside her head when I glanced back to her.  She looked around my room, “Everything’s the same.” She said it as if she couldn’t believe it.

Everything but us. I nodded once, wanting to get whatever this was over with. I know what my heart wanted, what it needed to hear – but did she know what she wanted?

“I’m sorry.”

Did she - 

My thoughts sputtered at the sound of her voice and my eyes swept back to hers questioningly.

Her voice faltered. “I’m so sorry. What happened between us at the night of my concert….” Her eyes looked up at me, desperate and afraid. “It was really because of me, not because of you.  Because I didn’t know how good I had it, how good it was with you.” She shuddered a deep breath. “I tried to push you away because I thought you were holding me back, when all this time you’re the reason why I could always keep it together.”

My heart lifted at the sound of her words. My hands shook as I moved from the door. Was this really happening? Were all my quiet pleas that I sent to the universe finally being answered?

“Do you think….” Her bottom lip trembled, “Do you think you could ever forgive me?”

Yes. 

The word was on my lips, like a desperation clawing to get out but I couldn’t do it. Not yet. The only thing I had ever wanted to be was hers. But knowing that I wanted to be hers had always meant embracing her unpredictability, embracing all the inexplicable joys our adventures brought us. Embracing the parts of her that even I wasn’t sure I could always quite understand.

I crossed the room to pull out my bracelet, my favorite bracelet. The only thing that had brought me constant luck inside my life, constant happiness. It never let me down the way people often did.

I sat beside her on the bed. Our arms were nearly touching as I showed it to her. “This is my charm bracelet – it brings me luck no matter what.” I touched the familiar insignias – the ice cream cone, the charm that had helped me through my English ap exam and eventually I brought her attention to the K. That was the most important one.

“What’s that one for?” Her voice was barely over a whisper as she pointed at it.

“It’s K for Kaitlyn.” A small smile touched my lips. “You’re the first friend I met in Hartfeld. And the first person I’ve ever fallen in love with,” I continued softly as my eyes searched hers, “And you’re the first person that means more to me than anyone else. Than anything else.” My voice hitched at the end. “Fighting with you hasn’t changed how I felt and there’s been a lot of times where I’ve glanced at it – touched it because of how much I missed you. How much I missed staring into your eyes, like I am right now - looking at you, really looking at you and waiting for your wonderful smile. It kept me going when I didn’t think anything else could.”

Her breath came out in a series of little gasps, and her eyes swam with tears. I could feel my own eyes, prickling at the sight, my own heart feeling as if it was sprinting out of my chest. “I love you so much. And I never meant to hurt you.” She whispered. I watched as her hand hesitantly reached up to brush my lips.

I couldn’t resist tasting her, and with our quiet admission of how much we loved each other I didn’t want to wait anymore. I closed the distance between us slowly, never breaking eye contact before I captured her lips. I could feel her soft sigh of elation, and her shoulders sagged with relief as I took time exploring her mouth.

I kissed her the way I’ve been dreaming about for the last few weeks – with an almost desperate edge as my tongue went past the barrier of her lips. And she kissed me back, kissed me with such urgency like she was afraid this was all a dream. I kept kissing her to remind her it isn’t. She’s real, I’m real and this was all real. My hands began to roam, relishing in finally having her inside my arms again, until I was leaning into her – pressing her firmly into my cotton sheets. Our lips found each other like a forgotten love that had finally been given the chance to rekindle. And the flame that had once resided inside my heart burned brightly before spreading to the rest of me. I felt it’s heat in every touch.

Eventually, I pulled away; feeling breathless. My body felt on fire with need, but my brain was the smarter part of me. The part of me that knew what she needed more than that right now. “I would love to continue this but as your girlfriend it’s my responsible to make sure you pass with flying colours.” I propped up one elbow as my other hand fastened my bracelet onto her wrist.

She pouted playfully before placing a kiss on my nose. “Fine – but I intend to finish what you started later.” She pulled me down again for one last lingering kiss. “I love you.” She muttered softly.

I leaned my forehead against hers. “I love you too Kaitlyn. My little trailblazer.”

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