#OKAY im getting nothing done today i guess 😅

[ofmd-ann]

There's more!!!!!!! ✨

TUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo source

I had to shrink these photos for tumblr because the files were way too big! (they are like 6000px) If you want the full size with my colour touch-up give me a nudge ✨

[porloquevivoyo]

I’ve talked the hell out of this today but sometimes I feel like sharing it on tumblr seals the deal 😂😂 I guess it just helps to fully articulate it and put a pin on thoughts.

So, I realized that in several (probably most 🥴) of my friendships- I am reacting (internally sometimes externally) out of my own bitterness/exhaustion/overwhelm. The thing is that Jeff and I moved out here to Arizona for very specific and important reasons but being the only ones readily available to care & raise our family has taken its toll & is really hard and in all honesty I’m taking it out on my friendships.

And you know what- that’s not fair to them (just living their best lives not flaunting) or to me. I want to live in love. I want to act out of love not out of my own bitterness/exhaustion/overwhelm. I want to have fulfilling friendships not this internal competition for a trophy of who had it the hardest because what the heck is that even a win for??!!!!!!

So I’ve realized this. And I’ve realized that I need to turn a new leaf and even the seasons agree with me 😂😂 it’s time to let go of these old patterns and behaviors because they don’t serve me anymore.

I suppose these patterns served me enough to get to this point to. To a point where I realize I am overwhelmed and need more support and I need to move past my fear of burdening others and ask for help (it’s not a pride issue I truly just feel like I’m-or my kids are- too much for people 🥴 so there’s that).

But they don’t serve me anymore and I cannot carry these patterns in my life anymore.

I want to enjoy being with my friends. I want to sit in a car with my friend and not roll my eyes at how clean it is and think “must be nice to not have a million kids in your car 24/7” or truly support a friend in their own current motherhood season without thinking “I’ve been (hard task) glad you get (something I’m deprived of/want- usually sleep or kid free time)” or not feel green with envy when they mention “oh after I got out of the shower…” or “(child) stayed with grandma” 😂😂 like guys stupid little things which aren’t stupid at all but it’s nothing wrong with my friends and it’s not a signal to find new ones it’s a signal to me that HEY CLAIRE you need more support!! And instead of wallowing in self-pity- try asking for it so you can actually show up for yourself and your friends because fact is- you will be tired and you may feel jealous of the friends with family (aka every single friend you have) but you also have soooo much to be thankful for and although sometimes it feels so lonely- living where you live is the best thing you could have done for yourself and your family and future generations. And im not saying I don’t deserve to complain or feel a little upset sometimes- but I haven’t just vented once and done- I’ve been bathing in these waters for a longggg time and it’s time to get out.

Before this moment I always thought I just needed a friend who “gets it” living in a military town you would think I would have met someone in my shoes by now but honestly I think it needed to happen this way. I don’t need someone to reinforce my attitude, I need an attitude adjustment.

Im ready for it. I’m ready to live in love and to recognize when I’m not behaving from my authentic self but instead from overwhelm. Im ready to use these feelings and thoughts to signal when I need some support and speak up for myself and ask for it and pay for it 😅. It may not look the same as my friends, but that’s okay because my personal trade off and reward is much much greater and will have a ripple effect on my bloodline.

Ahh man i feel like i sound even more scatter brained but what matters is I know what I need to do and my intention is set.

I will recognize the signs for when I need support and boldly ask for it so that I can show up for myself and others authentically and fully out of love ❤️❤️

Hello fall 🍂🍂🍂 seriously ready to turn a new leaf.