#Equating songs to characters is something I am very much not good at

[aftgphoenix]

I’m so SCARED what do those songs Nora posted MEAN?

[winterflowersftw]

Blue Lock characters as Taylor Swift songs + explanation

Notes: Hi guys, so this was another random idea I so...here I am, I guess? But yea do tell me if you guys disagree with any of the song choices here lmao. Would love to hear from you guys

ISAGI YOICHI

"I laid the groundwork and then, just like clockwork

The dominoes cascaded in a line

What if I told you I'm a mastermind?"

And

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail

Strategy sets the scene for the tale"

And

"Of a chain reaction of countermoves

To assess the equation of you

Checkmate, I couldn't lose."

My boy Isagi came into the Blue Lock system as the second last player and crept his way to the top. He's literally the mastermind pulling the pieces together and winning matches. It's really amazing how he had no ability tha made him stand out much except his brain and that was enough for him.

So yea this is HIS song.

BACHIRA MEGURU

"I never miss a beat

I'm lightnin' on my feet"

And

"I'm dancin' on my own (dancin' on my own)

I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)

But I keep cruisin'

Can't stop, won't stop groovin'

It's like I got this music in my mind

Sayin' it's gonna be alright"

The song 100% represents Bachira' childish, carefree and happy-to-go personality and some of the lyrics (which I put above) totally show his abilities like cmon. 😭

Okay so the first two lines are like about his dribbling ability, right? And even in the next para the top lines are like how he's not following a rhythm and is doing whatever he wants to and THAT IS SOMETHING HE DOES IN THE NEL. (Sorry got too excited)

And the last two lines are about the "monster" he had, which existed in his mind. It was very relevant in the first selection.

NAGI SEISHIRO

"And I'm just getting color back into my face

I'm just mad as hell cause I loved this place

For so long, London

Had a good run

A moment of warm sun"

This is VERY specific but I do think this fits really well during the second selection when Nagi chooses to go with Isagi and leaves Reo. Nagi actually stops being the lazy-genius he had been until episode 10 of the anime which has the match between Team V and Team Z where has an awakening (hence the "getting color back into his face" lyric) and he is gaining a passion for football which he never thought someone like him could even have. In Episode Nagi, even Reo acknowledges that the one who made Nagi put in actual efforts in a football match (which he had never done before) was Isagi and not him. Isagi was the reason of Nagi's awakening. And Reo was so sad that he was not the reason.

And right after his awakening, he decides to leave Reo because now he actually wants to improve and has a goal: To beat Isagi. And for that he has to leave Reo. So...yeah.

ITOSHI RIN

"And you call me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest"

And

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be my old self again

But I'm still trying to find it"

And

"You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath"

Okay again this one is also very specific just like Nagi's but i think this song completely represents Rin's relationship with his brother, Sae. Beating Sae is the only reason we have been given for whatever he does.

When we first see Rin at the start of the second selection, one of the first things he says is how he has to beat his brother and that's basically the bane of his existence.

And in between the confrontation between the brothers when Sae comes home from Spain and thenU20 VS Blue Lock Eleven match; a year has passed and Rin's feeling fir his brother is EXACTLY the same. (Hence the second para)

Also we can notice this during the Itoshi brothers' flashback, Sae had always been the way he is at this point since childhood. But Rin was different, he was a happy and naive kid. But that's gone now. Also how after the U20 VS the Blue Lock Eleven match when Sae comes to Rin, and Rin (and us, the audience) think that Sae is going to praise Rin who had just been in his berserk mode before; the expression change on Rin's face is so evident and heartbreaking. His expression is almost the same one he had when he was a little kid. So yeah, its very heartbreaking when Sae praises Isagi and not him when Rin has been craving for his validation for a longggg time.

Notes part 2: This took me a lot of time to wrote so please don't let this flop 😭🤞

[horizon-verizon]

The construction of idols and role models is interesting.I'm thinking about, for example, how one of the struggles is portraying female characters in the media so that girls have good role models.This of course is part of consumerism, many children will spend time in front of a screen so the discourse that I have seen lately focuses on shows, movies, cartoons, etc (without leaving aside those who continue talking about books and comics of course).

But this is not something recent and I am fascinated by how they show it asoiaf.The names Jon and Robb shout and some passages from Jaime are the male example, of course, but Sansa and Arya?Sansa concentrates on a much more abstract ideal: the figure of the lady (which will surely be influenced by the figure of the Maiden and the scriptures) and specifically in the songs. There was a time when Sansa aspired to emulate Cersei until the image she had of her and Joffrey was broken, then Cersei becomes a fallacy. Sansa relies on what she still believes, what gives her strength and a guide on how to act in her loneliness and difficult situation.

Arya. I love Arya because she looks at historical figures, these are not archetypes created by society but women who lived, breathed and found goals that Arya aspires to. For me it's important because there are so many people who instead of analyzing how restrictive the environment is with women and how restrictive the ideal of femininity is, they turn Brianne and Arya into"one of the guys" and to me that completely misses the point.Arya (unlike Cersei who has also been harmed by the patriarchy but focuses her anger very differently) is new to restrictions but looks to historical figures who were women AND warriors.

And that brings me to the construction of Visenya Targaryen as a symbol.Even when we are told that she was as comfortable in a dress as she was in armor and we see Rhaenys participating to the same extent as her brothers, both queens have been divided into a dichotomy.The warrior, the lady. Duty, love. Sphere of the masculine, sphere of the feminine. Both women (in fact all Asoiaf women) are much more complicated and complex than that, but what they were actually matters less than how they are described and used retroactively.

Visenya despite her participation in Maegor's reign is not as reviled as one would expect. The most interesting case for me is when Rhaena compares herself to her because I didn't read it as a negative comparison.Even if she is only invoking a small part of who Visenya was during her discussion of all living people she is likely one of the few left who remembers, knew and lived with her.

Even her name does not fall into disuse even though Rhaenys's is used more often (which may make sense since it is her line that the Targs come from... unless we want to go with the HC that Viserys and Viserra have the same root). Rhaenyra imitates her hairstyle which shows her admiration and wanted to name her daughter after her.

Rhaenyra's destroyers called her Maegor with tits, a comparison made several times in Asoiaf when comparing women to historical figures, most of the time in a pejorative way. Rhaenyra is Maegon with tits for her alleged cruelty, which equates her with one of the most hated figures and mocks her status as a woman. Dany is Aegon the conqueror with tits, which although they recognizes her power they wields still marks a negative equivalence and erases Visenya and Rhaenys.Cersei wants to be Tywin with Tits, probably the only one who would not be offended even though the insult remains because Cersei hates other women and is recent to a certain extent with her status as a woman.But if they had asked Rhaenyra? It seems like she would be more than happy to compare herself to Visenya, a powerful woman in her own right who symbolizes many Targaryen characteristics and traditions.

Oh anon...bless you. Visenya falls to the wayside as a model for people to compare Targs to, for Tags to compare themselves as, AND all of which you say demonstrated a clear decline in women (at least Tarb ones) being unattached to a male's legacy. Visenya and Rhaenys both conquered Westeros with Aegon, and I have also made the mistake of linking Dany to more him than Rhaenys or Visenya (and she leans more towards Rhaenys but really--and that's one beauty of her--she occupies many gendered roles or names and acts that she defies them simultaneously). Especially with all the Rhaegar comparisons and paralleling fandom and I have done from her vision of him becoming herself in his armor.

[safyresky]

So, Season 2. It's. It's alright ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But like...that's it, lmao.

I did enjoy it! I got WAY MORE genuine laughs out of these first two episodes than I did the entire first season. Magnus is hilarious, I love his whole vibe lmao. Fluffy's character, Kris, he's...man is really out here looking for a father figure and it is deffs biting him in the ASS.

The elves are top tier as per the usual! Betty and Noel are continuing to be THE power couple and I am SO HAPPY ABOUT IT, I love them to death 🥰🥰🥰

My fave thing about the season so far is just everyone out here like Scott wtf are you doing. Wtf, man. I yelled GET HIS ASS so many times lol. The official Get His Ass Count as of the end of Episode 2: 8. 8 whole GET HIS ASS moments. BLESS.

SO RIGHT. NITTY GRITTY. OKAY.

Episode 1

Scott sucked SO BAD this episode. He breaks the SOS on a worldwide level then gets upset when Cal is like "I love Riley! I wished her here! We're hanging out! Riley!! :D" and is like "Bro you should've dusted her."

OKAY SCOTT. WHAT ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD, SCOTT, HMM? ARE WE DUSTING THEM??? HMM??? YEESH.

Scott aside (you know, his usual boomer-esque old guy who refuses to change shtick with BUT WHAT ABOUT FAMILY! And whatnot thing), everything else was. Mid, tbh. But fun! Santa being like "Are you gonna kill him?" With Carol being like "I can take care of Gary" was hilarious.

Betty and Noel, of course, SHINNED. I love them, they are SO CUTE. Cardboard face cutouts??? ICONIC. Nobody is doing it like them!

Now. Cal. aka, Buddy. I am very worried for him. Like, 4 episodes ago he was having ANXIETY about being Santa? And now this? Carol being like "what if he doesn't want it don't force him to follow in your footsteps" like. I AGREE. HE SHOULD GO OFF TO COLLEGE AND LIVE HIS LIFE!!!! I have a lot of thoughts there but it is late and I need to FOCUS because I need to yell about Cupid in a second, ANYWAY

Magnus Antas. I love this guy. I fucks with him. He takes a 700 year nap and is like "I'm fine" until his toxic bestie is like "I WANT TO KILL" and a kid sasses him for not being Santa/being OLD and he's like "Nevermind. I want to kill now too. Time to MURDER." He has VIBES and I like them!! He also seems like he's was over it until Olga was like "but what if" and some kid was mean to him and tbh, I can't even blame him for getting pissy at the kid lol. I'd also turna kid into "a Roblox" if I could (here for Gamer Mad Santa btw. I'd watch him stream on Twitch)

This is verging into Episode 2 territory, lol. May as well get there, then!

EPISODE 2

So, the LORE DROPS. Um. There was a LOT of it? And it seems to contradict itself/not quite equate with itself? If the NP is a utopia for magic, why is it like that? Was Magnus good, or not? Why do ALL the fairy creatures live there, when they come from so many diverse cuktures and backgrounds? That's a lil messed up! What the fuck happened with the gnomes becoming so (what's the phrase) PROMINENT for Santa? Will we get answers for all of these? Based on past season, PROBABLY NOT! BUT I HOPE WE DO! BC IT IS A BIT ALL OVER THE PLACE! AHH!

RIGHTO. SO SANDRA'S MAGIC. Love that for her! Love that they're actually devoting time to showing her interacting with La Befana and learning about herself and the pair of them discussing things!!! MUCH rather watch that than a 5 minute long auto-tuned elf song which is there just for a Santa/Satan joke! I'm excited to see how her whole arc goes--it looks like she's ACTUALLY GETTING ONE.

I wonder why Befana needs her to tell her parents, like, aside from obvious reasons. She was so insistent on Sandra making sure her parents knew she was training with Befana, that I'm wondering if there's something more to it a la "our powers don't work on other legendary figures". Like, was it to keep her mind clear? Is it like a past thing? Bc Witches are "scary" and often "bad" given that Santa calls Befana a "good one"?

That's another thign! Not sure I vibed with THAT whole thing. Both Claus's being like "yeah witches, they are deffs their stereotypes". Like. Idk. It sits. Not gr8 with me. Feels like performative activism, sorta, you know?

Which is also how I feel about the girl power moments, tbh. Like, it's nice to see them--Carol respecting Befana as a self-made woman, sister solidarity, etc. But it feels very performative! It feels very much like they are checking it off a list, you know? They're STILL like "Carol is trying to find a role for Mrs. Claus" and they go for COP? Wildin. Also wildin that the ELFS are COP EQUIVALENTS? Um, since WHEN?! They are funky little guys with jet packs and no regard for authority. Remember when they broke Santa out of jail and bullied the cop at the front desk? Remember that? YEAH.

OKAY SO NOW MY FAVOURITE PART TO TALK ABOUT. CUPID AND THE COUNCIL!

So as a classics major and a lover of the Cupid/Psyche myth (and personal bias from OCs made bc of said myth) I was unimpressed with the Mrs. Cupid convo. FIRST off, her name is PSYCHE so jot that down. SECONDLY. It was ONE ARROW MEANT FOR HER THAT SOMEHOW GOT LODGED INTO CUPID ACCIDENTALLY WHILE SENT ON AN ERRAND BY HIS MOTHER, VENUS, TO TAKE CARE OF (make her fall in love with a horrible monster/something/someone very ugly) PSYCHE BC SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL WORSHIP WAS DROPPING FOR VENUS AND GOING TO PSYCHE.

This resulted in Cupid and Psyche having a very strange romance/marriage in which Psyche's shitty sisters convince her to break Cupid's one rule (which was don't look at me) and he gets injured, HELD HOSTAGE by his mother, and Psyche has to go on a QUEST to free him that involves Venus making her do all sorts of shitty shenanigans, setting the personifications of sadness and despair on her, and trapping her in an eternal sleep. Cupid, afflcited by his own arrow, escapes his mother's house when he hears about this, finds her, and draws the sleep out of her, waking her up and reuniting them.

They then proceed to go to Zeus (not Jupiter despite Cupid being the Roman equivalent of Eros, and Venus roman of Aphrodite? It's interesting) like LOOK WHAT VENUS DID and Zeus goes "Wow, that's a little fucked up, actually. Listen, I'll make her a god and sanction your marriage and tell of your Mom IF you do something a little fucked up for me and help me get ANY woman I want" to which Cupid goes "Sure, that sounds reasonable and not fucked up at all" and then he and Psyche get married and have a fucking rager with the gods and have one kid, Pleasure, aka Hedone/Volupta, or in SOME iterations, THREE kids, Pleasure, Joy, and a third one who's name escapes me (Vanity I think) and presumably live happily ever after! READ FOR YOURSELF!

I am very passionate about this bc uh. this is uh. Dite's whole ass backstory? She is Hedone lmao so I've got some personal attachment here thanks to me own OCs lmao, ANYWAY

So YEAH that got me miffed. As did uh, the whole PEEKABOO and cupid making baby noises back at Riley. The ICK.

But you know what I DID love?? Cupid being like "I'm not spying but also, I am spying and also, the whole ass entire council is like BOI...WHAT THE FUCK". GET HIS ASS! CALL HIM OUT!! BC YEAH, WHAT THE FUCK SCOTT?? SEASON 1?? HELLO??? EVERYTHING BEFORE THAT??? VIOLATING THE SOS BY SHARING ALL THOSE SNOW GLOBES??? AHHHHHHH.

Cupid delivering that 3 month deadline and Council threat I was like. HERE for it. I was like. GET HIS ASS (this was one of the GHA counter moments tbh). Like, this dude is out of control! I think it's high time Scott meets the consequences for his actions! AH!

So YEAH. Excited to see Sandy and for New EB! I hope the whole Council comes back, even if they have to recast, that 5 minute scene would add YEARS to my life that Riley and Cal took away.

Because they are. So icky. I feel as though. There is a scale. And Marie is on one end, and Riley is on the other. This isn't just FIRST LOVE this is just DISGUSTING. Like it was cute at first last season but now Riley is honestly?? Sups annoying. You can tell that they're like, checking items off the list instead of actually putting more thought into them, because Riley is v much a stereotype and they have WAY UPPED her teenager levels. I need them to talk to actual teens. Nobody says OMG like that and also, she's bringing home BIKERS?????????? UM??????? It's like. Why are they so bad at writing love interests? You feel? Tho this could just be a me thing 🤔🤔🤔

They really should've socialized those kids, DAMN. Santa being like "And we all know how that [Romeo and Juliet] went" or whatever the line was had me like "FINALLY SCOTTY BOY. SOMETHING WE CAN AGREE ON!"

AND LAST ON MY LIST. THE SCOTT/SANDRA SCENE.

Finally. Finally. FINALLY. Some good parenting from Scott. FINALLY. Being sups understanding to Sandra? I actually loved it. He finally did ONE (1) GOOD THING. MAYBE HE IS? LEARNING? I DUNNO MAN! WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES! But yeah, I did like that scene a lot. I'm just really here for Sandra getting her moment!

So YEAH. Overall, season 2 is okay. Gave me more laughs which is WELCOME, and I cannot wait to see how this develops. Especially since the lore was like, really thrown our way, you know? It was a lot for two episodes and again, did kind of contradict itself? Hopefully it clears up once Santa inevitably learns the truth about Mad Santa, probably mostly thanks to Carol who is DOING the MOST.

But yeah, I'm hoping to see the lore tidied/explained a bit better. Especially bc the whole elf lore opening, with the icy tunnels and drab vibes, didn't sit well with me? It...I didn't like it. Not my cup of tea. The lore in general isn't my cup of tea though it's fun to see it there finally, lol. Poor Toots, being named after a fart essentially (I went right to toilet humour, I'm sorry, I am so mature I promise i'm not)

Also, they really kinda. Throw around the head elf title, huh? It felt REALLY WEIRD to not see BMan there, and Toots just being thrown in? Weird it's WEIRD. I wouldn't bring B-Man back for it but MAN IS IT WEIRD. Especially since the new elves, as much as I ADORE THEM, don't have the same kind of like. Old feel to them? As the movie elves did? So I was like "they should NOT be there right now. They should NOT."

Righto. I am going to wrap this up bc I am INSANE and this is very very VERY long for a franchise like this 😅😅😅

[archivalofsins]

Hey, why aren't you taking about Milgram as much-

There's literally nothing to talk about. It ain't due to the harassment. It's legit just nothing to talk about. What am I supposed to do repeat the same shit I've already said but shorter this time? Bet.

The Mikoto brought in by Milgram definitely committed those murders and not the other one.

Yuno's murder isn't abortion and stating it could be basically equates abortion to murder which it is not. While also not explaining the several men that have consistently been alluded to and their blacked out belongings in Umbilical.

Shidou killed people in comas and vegatative states not brain dead individuals. Brain death is pretty rare its not something that happens often. This man would either have to be incredibly unlucky, working in a hospital that's incredibly unlucky, purposefully inducing brain death in his patients, working in a hospital that specializes in brain death (which, why??? but okay i believe you.), or lying to the family members about them being brain dead so they decide to pull the plug which family can choose to do in the cases of comas and vegetative states which he basically states he's doing in fucking Throw Down at several different instances.

Mahiru cheated on her significant other and this has been foreshadowed since the start of Milgram (her statements on Mikoto someone who is as social as her having cheater energy, and her going I'd never do that ever actually wouldn't that be fucked up. Similarly to how Mu said she'd never be a bully.) And it's bluntly alluded to in the lyrics of I Love You.

Amane seems to have killed someone other than her mom and I'm pretty sure I know who and that's probably the thing she's referring to when she's talking to Shidou and states all her decisions weren't good ones.

Everyone here has killed more than one person. These are all serial killers. Shidou just believes he killed the most, but if it turns out they're ordered by kills, then that would be Mikoto and Kotoko. Which I find that concept fucking hilarious. But Mu only had one victim wrong, driving people to suicide also can be counted as murder under certain circumstances, and both her songs imply this is what she did with other people through her bullying. We just saw the one person she killed directly. So, there's your suicide counts as murder too for those who wanted it. Also, another of Yamanaka's characters before Mu causes people to die the same way and at points is implied to have staged incidents to look like accidents and suicides. What about Futa though- He's been implied to have hunted down everyone else involved in the hat girl incident and I find this very funny given he asks why he's the only one here- What about them when he probably knows full and well they're dead.

Also, for straight fun- here are all the references to Mahiru's songs in the latest Deco*27 song Aitai-lians or at least the ones I saw and brought up in private the day it released-

"Love>a pain, that's incredible but that equation flips so easily don't you know."- "We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt. Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad."

"(hey) miss you, (grr) wanna see you, (sigh) where are you, (gaa) I need you (but) can't have you, (grr) can't see you, (sigh) can't find you, (gaa) can't hold you- Kill me now."- "If you don't hug me even our hearts will start drifting apart." "Sigh... No appetite, I can't sleep, my hair's a mess. What am I supposed to do now? If you won't tell me I can't be me." Along with her saying in voice drama if she can't love like she wants she'd rather die.

"You throwing around that later such a bitch ass move"- " 'See you next week' sounding in cadence."

"Still addictted, but actin' stupid and pretending to be a good girl"- "I pretended to be a good girl but really I don't want to say 'I'm ok'."

"Miss you"- "Love and Miss You."

"Where are you"- "Tell me, oh tell me why, are you not here anymore?"

"Calling you"- "Ring-ring I'm calling you in the middle of the night forcing you to wake up and I say 'Good Morning'."

"Don't test me"- "Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual."

"Oooh, who dis? I'm so much better, I'm green-eyed, shit. As for lovin' you can't beat me in that department."- "Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let's just overheat together." "My lethal weapon: This Is How To Be In Love With You."

"You *dumped* me but you're smiling seriously go kill yourself already."- "Kiss goodbye to this feeling because it's too heavy. I can't no way, no way, no way." "Die."

Mahiru: Don’t say you like someone so flippantly! It’ll disappear…… words like “love,” don’t use them!

"Wait who was the hero of this story, huh, can't remember.", "I wanted you to be the hero of this story you know."- Both these lines can play on the fact this line applies both to Mahiru and her victim in her second song "This adorable, earnest, sincere heart is bleeding wailing this is the end."

Though the term hero has been related to Futa a lot as well. It can also be used under framing people in the right within the series or innocent something Mahiru currently I'd and wanted to be. However, she admits to herself doing more wrong in the relationship throughout both her songs. So she clearly knows she's not the hero here.

Also, not speculating this will be her next cover song or anything. I just find the similarities between her songs and this one interesting. I would like it if this was because it would be interesting while fitting with the other ones she got. I just want to wait until the next trial song trailer to speculate on that in depth.

But no, in seriousness, I don't say much unless I have a lot to say and can put enough time into it right now. There's not a lot left for me to chew on. Since I did my in-depth stuff over the course of the trial so I've mostly been taking a break and playing games.

[neonscandal]

Neon, from all openings and endings songs of BNHA & JJK, which are your fav? Why?

Ooof, you're probably expecting really deep analysis to accompany these likes but my pleasure is not always that deep so please lower your expectations! I'm usually listening and looking at the animations for easter eggs and vibes, if anything, I don't religiously look up translations. Some of your questions are so funny to me, I'm sorry to disappoint if this wasn't what you were expecting!

This is a light skinned man. IYKYK

JJK

Off the top of my head, I feel like JJK has no misses? Hitting different vibes but nothing that feels like a theme song. Don't get me wrong, I love a good "Gotta Catchem All" or Pokemon Rap, too, but I prefer songs that don't feel out of place if it just popped up on shuffle, you know?

KaiKai Kitan - THE TROLLING.

Lost in Paradise - Catchy AF. Plus, this was as close as we were getting to a filler episode. I love how "simple" the illustration style is but the animations of each character have so much personality in their movements. Plus, provided a solid cozy cosplay on the last day of cons when you want to dress up but don't want to be encumbered as you hit the dealer room and artist alley.

Give it Back - even without the translation, this is sad. The animation is sad. The idea of this day that never happened when you think about the canon timeline is sad. It inspired a mediocre lil oneshot because why would they do this to me, specifically? This, of course, is animating something so realistic but ethereal.

Ichizu - okay, so maybe I looked up the translation to this one too and just.. SatoSugu.

Where Our Blue Is and Lantern - make me want to burst into flames? Also, I had a no-sleep-epiphany the other night where, if Geto was the last blue spring of Gojo's youth and blue is the basis of Gojo's strength then... I failed to make a sensical connection because I clearly don't rest and I'm unwell. It's currently 3:45AM. But it was something along the lines of equating that Gojo is not at full strength without Geto.

Specialz - this animation is just. 😘👌🏾 Also the breakdown at "I love you, baby". Nevermind that it is synonymous with tragedy and trauma. King Gnu clearly must have known that when signing on since a great deal of JJK songs are theirs

More Than Words - Again, simple illustration but also capturing this idea of youth for the trio which... after S2 is so *melt emoji*?? I think the theme of romanticizing life and their connection to one another while actively contrasting with murder and mayhem is so funny to me. 🥲

God tier level looping, tbh. Ty for your service @osakaxkobe

MHA

Def more of a casual enjoyer for the music on MHA. Especially since the brain rot for this series didn't set in for a very long time so I had to go back and look up each song.

Peace Sign - my niece and nephew dance to this song dramatically and, knowing none of the words confidently, sing anyway. I think it's the instrumentals and the clapping that does it for me haha

Odd Future - lowkey meets the "appears on shuffle without being too embarrassing" requirement but, with MHA being as pervasive as it is... will not beat the weird kid allegations if this pops up because I think it's recognizable

Merry Go Round - That "Hey Brother Listen" popped off so does the crescendo.

Hitamuki - I just like the graphical switch up to the comic book style because isn't it so silly and cute just to preface some trauma??

North Wind - are you kidding me? Showing all these critical moments from Deku's first. person. perspective. to elevate how important the people shown are when we've had largely the whole story from his actual first person perspective? As he's running to catch up to everything the story has built up to like running through a museum exhibit. Inspired. Beautiful. No notes.

Sketch - for the depression. ✨

Datte Atashi no Hero - just... fantasy AU. Song I can do without but who am I to ignore the best AU illustrated and animated? A nobody, that's who.

Believe - Hawks really said "The next time the cherry blossoms fall, I hope we will all be smiling" and then everything went to shit.

Shout Baby - less song more visual commentary. Hero or villain, it all started where Class 1A is right now, some of it even sooner (like with Tenko).

[sailoryooons]

hali hey! about fanfic asks (my answers) i haven't read all of your works but i have read some of them, sorry!

1- i'm a big yoongi biased but i was impressed by Drabble The Store, i was so intrigued by the open ending! What did they do? Did they kill Hoseok? Did they become friends? And if they did, did anyone get suspicious? Were they caught? Did they kill each other? I loved it. And my favorite series is Mixtape, besides being the first work of yours that I've read, I really liked the character development, both of the main character and yoongi.

2- Okay, but the first chapter of GOTD is precious. I don't read much fantasy, but girl, what was that?

5- I haven't read anything related to Seokjin, Tae and Jungkook yet, but I promise I will soon when I have time.

9-GOTD AND I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY? And obsidian… I need to know more about this man.

11- I really wanted you to explore The Store, but not necessarily the story if you don't want to. I loved the writing of this drabble, the fact that it's a serial killer made me love it even more because I love true crime and I miss finding a fic with this kind of plot.

12- I'm obsessed with Yoongi from Obsidian.

13- I always talk not only about your fics but about the fics of everyone I follow in general, moni's, mari's etc. to my psychologist. I don't know why I like to give her this information. When she asks me what I've been doing that's interesting since my last appointment, I tell her that I've been reading fics, and then I talk about all the fics and how they've affected me or reminded me of something from my childhood.

14- GOTD

15- When are you going to update Obsidian? LOL 😁 just kidding, I won't put that pressure on you 💗

-lilshy

HELLO HELLO OKAY I AM SHOWERED AND READY FOR THIS

1 The Store was SO much fun to write and it really made me want to write something similar but full out in like a mini-series or full series next year, maybe. Not specifically for those two characters, but the same concept of like - what happens when two serial killers meet? Everyone can make up their own ending and I love hearing the different versions, I think in my perfect ending, they probably carry out the murder together and like revel in the fact that they have found someone who shares an interest so dark. I think eventually it would lead to competition and disaster though!!

AHHH Mixtape. That story is so close to my heart because it was the first thing I really wrote and posted on here and ahhhhh it is so good. The friendships in that are my favorite part, and of course, our very honest and communicative, Naruto-sleeve having Yoongi. That story really is dear to me so I am so glad that you like it.

2 I literally do not know. I originally started that idea as being inspired by the song Lilith but then I was like what if ... he's not a dark god or demon at all, what if he's the god of dreams and desires misconstrued as something dark because he rules over the night, nightmares and so often people equate sin and desire, sort of like reader's parents wanting her to be married/thinking she is like full of sin for wanting to be free! That one really really spoke to me as I wrote it and as I write chapter two, I'm sort of amazed by the direction that story steers me in. I don't really have an outline - that's one that just sort of goes where it needs to go as I write it.

5 Honestly it's sort of criminal of me, but I do not have a ton of content for Taehyung and Jungkook. I have an okay amount for Seokjin, though I do want to write more of him in the future, but Taehyung and Jungkook desperately need more fics added to their sections on my masterlist. It's part of why I started my series Lights to get some content for Jungkook on there.

9 I am writing both of those in tandem and it's hard but it's also fun. This chapter of Obsidian is VERY VERY action packed. As a secret, I can tell you that reader gets sent to do a very dangerous job for Jimin that puts her in a bad spot, and she might need to call that number that Yoongi gave her!

11 I actually want to explore this more. I really enjoyed psychological thrillers and I love the aspect of writing from morally grey characters who do not remotely think or behave the way that we, as mostly normal people, do. I really find them so intricate to write and I want to do more of it, but because of the dark nature of the topics, I will most likely put them on Hali After Dark. I'm not super sure what I want to do yet - I am stuck between dissolving that blog and doing what I want on here or keeping myself safe from any harassment for darker themes.

12 Yoongi from Obsidian is going to be the most hot and cold character I've ever written. If I had to describe him, I think it would be that he is someone who goes from very unpredictable and chaotic to absolutely focused and razor-sharp in a second. He is very good at making people think he is... silly and not to be taken seriously.

13 I think that is really sweet. When I was going to therapy I would talk to my therapist a TON about what I was writing and how I thought it was influenced by things going on in my life, or other stories that I was reading that I found comfort and introspection in. There are a few darker stories as well that have given me SO much insight and perspective on a lot of things I've never thought about and I don't know. I feel like you learn a lot from people when you read their stories!!

15 THIS MONTH!! I promise - I have nothing that I'm focused on outside of Obsidian and Gods of the Dark right now. My goal is to finish GotD by the end of the year and then Obsidian sometime next year. That one is definitely a long fic.

Thank you for playing lil shy :) I love hearing so many thoughts and intricacies from readers, I really enjoy talking about writing and stuff!

Reverse ask game

[pidayforpi]

[Extreme self-indulgent cartoon/anime infodump below]

(Confession: I watch the Japanese dub for DT17 as well (among other cartoons).

And one dumb thing I like to do with (especially) Japanese voice-acting is looking up what other characters the VA voices.

And on Monday, I did that with DT17's cast...compared with JoJo's cast.

→ Gladstone Gander = Tonio Trussardi (Tokuyoshi Kawashima 川島得愛) is cool

→ (Melon) Mickey = Donatello Versus (Takanori Hoshino 星野貴紀) is still cool

→ But Lena = Gwess (Momoko Taneichi 種市桃子) is really something

"Webby, Webby, Webby, Webbyyyyy~ ♪"

-------------------------------------

(Additional infodump that is actually longer and more serious:

As you can see from the list above (yes, that's it, afaik), the DT17 dub cast don't really star much in JoJo. Actually, they don't really star much (majorly) in other anime as well. The only other VA with a famous role is Della's, who voices Nami from One Piece (yes).

I think the most famous VA in DT17 are those for The Three Caballeros: Donald, José and Panchito, who literally also voice three characters from Dragon Ball (Beerus, Frieza, Piccolo, respectively). And two of them are guest stars.

There are many reasons why this is the case: First of all, I'm only looking at voice-acting. Some of the dub VA are actually not VA by profession, but instead, say, live actors/stage actors/narrators etc. IIRC, the previous official Japanese voice of Mickey Mouse, who had voiced Mickey for almost 3 decades, isn't even an entertainer by profession.

Second, some of the VA are quite young, both in terms of age and career. That doesn't necessarily equate to fame, but there is a certain relation.

So. Why am I saying all of that? Because despite all those things, the dub is fire. It is above average at worst, absolutely amazing at best. Call me a weeb, but I have never seen a Japanese dub that is worse than the original voiceover.

HDL sound just as distinct, Webby sounds just as hyper, Fenton sounds just as adorable, Gyro sounds just as crazy misunderstood, LP sounds just as the himbo he is, Scrooge sounds just as...old (there is legit an "old people's way of talking" in spoken Japanese). And of course, Yamadera-sensei perfectly replicates the Donald Duck speech...but in Japanese. (Donald speaking "normally" is literally just Yamadera speaking normally as himself)

The same goes for other animation dubs as well, such as LotTC (the two Sheldgoose are so damn funny), GEAH (Sam is the MVP there with his amazing voice change), or RotTMNT (I legit watched the Japanese dub first). The VA themselves may not be famous, but they still do an excellent job that could be worthy of the fame.

Mad respect to that dedication and talent.

Oh, and if that isn't enough: They dub the goddamn songs as well. They sing them themselves, in Japanese, with Japanese lyrics that fit, sound good, and are accurate.

Remember the "Waddleduck" theme? Yeah, they dubbed that. The "It's a Date!" song? They dubbed that too. Donald's "Hear My Voice"? Yamadera sang it himself, both in normal voice and Donald Duck voice.

And all those silly, out-of-the-blue songs from LotTC? They dubbed them. All of them. Sheldgoose's song to the moai and lava geckos is my favourite.

[Attached with the Japanese version of that song. The only part they didn't dub over was the Spanish part, but otherwise I think it is very neat.]

(3-8-2023)

[maddiewritesstucky]

Picture this for jockVerse pls! Stevie gets a nipple piercing as he went to a piercing with a friend to be her moral support for the piercing she wasn’t supposed to get. Love the man, but he’s trying desperately to keep it safe during spring training while it heals. Cut to right after they get off spring break, maybe a quick romp before the team meeting, Bucky sees IT. Using the tiny rugs amplified by ten to his advantage. And I know they aren’t the couple for fematization, just imagine Bucky with that mocking tone calling it a “Titty Ring”.🥵🥵 I arrest my case.

I have actually considered this before, Nonnie! Nipple piercings make me weak and I have absolutely pictured our JockVerse Steve with this, but I’d always thought it wouldn’t be a possibility ‘cause it wouldn’t heal what with training etc. But then sis K pointed out that there’s an off season in which it could hypothetically heal, so let’s go ahead and make this JockVerse canon…

Steve would absolutely keep it a secret from Bucky that he’s got this piercing until it’s healed enough to have some fun with (a time period which I am wilfully choosing to minimise for my own fictional pornographic purposes). One, because he’s a little shit who wants to spring it on Bucky to get his shocked reaction, and two - because he knows that Bucky is gonna go feral for it, and Steve very much wants to be able to submit to the outpouring of Bucky’s chaotic thirst.

Steve doesn’t make a song and dance about it because he doesn’t need to, it’s gonna speak for itself. He just rocks up to Bucky’s place one day, whips off his shirt, and smugly watches Bucky’s face run a gauntlet of realisation

Bucky would lose his damn mind

“Are you fucking kidding me, Rogers…”

Bucky’s eyes wouldn’t budge from it, his hand reaching out immediately on instinct to tug on it; his mouth hanging open a little in disbelief

The titty ring is now the only thing that matters. It’s all Bucky cares about, getting his fingers and his lips and his tongue on it, and bringing Steve to ruin with it

We all agree that in any universe, Stevie’s nips are sensitive little things, right?? So the piercing would only dial that up, and Bucky wants to find out just how much pleasure he can inflict now that this little silver ring is in the equation

Picture it - Bucky leaning forward to catch it between his teeth while Steve rides him; Steve’s hands fisted through Bucky’s hair and his head tipped back as he moans for it

Bucky sitting Steve in his lap, back to chest, reaching around to toy with the piercing while Steve jerks off

Bucky sitting on Steve’s cock, planting his hands on Steve’s chest and just letting his weight press right there over Steve’s nipple, making it hurt a little

Bucky slipping his hand up under Steve’s shirt at every opportunity just to pinch at it. Or even doing it through Steve’s shirts, (especially in public) zeroing in on that little bump that’s visible cause Steve is a slut who has to wear shirts that are half a size too small

There would definitely be some experimentation around just how close they can get Steve to orgasm from nipple play alone - something they’ve already toyed with, but obviously this must now be repeated under these new circumstances

…Turns out he can get pretty damn close

I’m picturing a video call one night, wherein Bucky talks Steve through exactly how to tug and twist and tease that nipple; making Steve use his words to tell him how good it feels, all while Bucky sits there lazily jacking it to the sight

Please also consider: titty fucking

Bucky was already all about it, but that ring may as well be a bullseye for all he has an all-consuming need to jizz on it

Just something about getting off on Steve’s chest that’s made infinitely hotter by that little glint of silver

And you know Bucky’s gonna run his mouth about it…fuck, just think of the degradation 🤌

“Aww, look at you gettin’ your tits all pretty, princess. This all for me?”

“You just want everyone to know you’re a slut for having these tits played with, huh?”

“Maybe I should clip a chain to it and drag you ‘round, show everyone their big bad quarterback’s just a little bitch”

It makes Steve so pissy when Bucky calls his pecs ‘tits’ but it also makes him go the most delicious shade of pink, so yes Nonnie, the piercing absolutely gets dubbed the Titty Ring

Even when Steve switches to a barbell just to make the taunting stop, Bucky still only ever refers to it as the Titty Ring

…Steve’s not gonna take it out, though. I mean it’s already there, and he went to the trouble of letting it heal, so like…it may as well stay…👀

Okay. It is law. Henceforth, JockVerse Steve is to be pictured with a titty ring. Thank you for this magnificent edition to his character, Nonnie (and I’m sorry it took me a million years to get to this ask) 💗

[cellydawn]

sans IS gaster (OR the sans theory masterpost pt. 2)

Part 1 || ❤️ || Part 3

(drawn by me, color by @magenteel​)

Previously, we discussed: Sans and his hand in the destruction of a world, his connection to Ice-E and Deltarune, and how he relates to Gaster. We’re going to continue the thread we left off on.

Section III - Gaster (Cont.)

Snails are mentioned too many times throughout Undertale for them to not be of any significance. As it turns out, they are pretty important in unraveling the mystery behind Gaster and Sans.

When you enter the area with Napstablook’s snail farm, you’ll notice that Sans’s theme is playing despite him not making an appearance. 

In one of Papyrus’s phone calls, he mentions that Sans recently bought snail-shaped pasta and says “He’ll probably fill them with hotdogs and slime.” Toriel also owns a book called “72 User for Snails”. Track 72 in the Undertale OST is “Song That Might Play When You Fight Sans”. That’s multiple times that Sans is likened to snails. 

Snails belong under the taxonomic class Gastropoda. Gasterpods.

These long pauses between words and phrases are not unlike how Gaster speaks.

Here is Gaster speaking with us in the opening sequence of Deltarune. And...

Now. Let’s move on.

(More under the cut.)

Mus_smile is the track that plays in room_gaster. This is my personal opinion, but the character that is the most strongly associated with smiles is Sans.

And Sans is certainly intelligent enough to be the prime suspect for being Gaster. The proper name for his namesake is Comic Sans Microsoft, or Comic Sans MS. MS can also be used as a suffix for the name of a person who has a degree in a Master of Science.

Sans also owns quantum physics books. The subject of Gaster’s scientific research is revealed in Entry #17: “photon readings negative”. Photons are described as a "quantum" of electromagnetic energy, and are of course within the realm of study under quantum physics.

Gaster, like Sans, is brilliant yet slow-working. Slower than Alphys, who is repeatedly noted to have nothing to show yet as the royal scientist in the eyes of the people and is shown to slack off constantly.

Gaster is implied to have perished, and I suppose he did, in a way, if these speculations do end up being correct. However, there’s something more to this statement. Ghosts are sort of in the realm of being not-alive, and Sans and Napstablook have a surprising level of comparability.

They both:

Get likened to “garbage”

Have connections to snails (Napstablook runs the snail farm)

Speak completely in lower case

Pretend to sleep and say “Z’s” out loud

Have black “sclera”

And the black sclera is also a topic of its own; it’s equated with the status of being brought back to life. Being “determined”. (See: Asriel and Undyne)

Undyne is especially suspect due to the strange right-eye-phenomenon she has in common with Sans, with spears shooting out of hers. Spears that are actually colored light blue, not unlike Sans’s eye. 

To recap: 

Sans and Gaster are heavily involved in Deltarune

They have been displaced from time and space

They have connections to snails

They are both doctors with knowledge in quantum physics

They both “fell” into the abyss

They both talk similarly

They are both slow

They are both characterized by their smile

They are both some degree of dead

Sans is Gaster or a significant piece of him. Sans has Gaster Blasters because they belong to him. If all prior conjecture proves true, he is and will be responsible for the destruction of a world or THE world within Deltarune. After all, the Latin definitions of “gaster” and “sans” are to destroy and to be without, respectively. 

That brings us to the next subject: why is Sans Sans? More specifically, why is that his name? Why even change his name?

Below is the Japanese version of the fun event with Sans’s phone call. It features completely different dialogue from its English counterpart. 

Am I Licca-chan? (Select No) Then from now on call me Sans. I need to check every once in a while. I won’t know when my name has changed. 

“Licca-chan” is a well-known Barbie-esque dress-up doll in Japan, so popular to the point where it is even used as a synonym for other dolls from different companies. Perhaps it implies that Sans is adaptable due to Licca-chan’s nature as a doll and how she is in a constant state of change to reflect the times. It also seems to be a pun on “liquor” because Sans was talking about beer in the English version. I tried to scour the Japanese fandom for clues, but they also seemed stumped. If anyone has any ideas on what this could mean, please let me know!

Regardless, “Sans” doesn’t seem to be his actual name. Perhaps his true name was Gaster...?

Additionally, If the player changes the name of the fallen child via going into the code, this message appears in the stats menu. The vernacular is very Sans-like, with his frequent use of question tags at the end of his sentences (I counted 14 huh’s from Sans).

Finally, let’s talk about the number six. We know that it’s Gaster’s number--All of the explicitly Gaster-related fun events trigger for fun values in the sixties, Gaster’s stats are all comprised of 6′s, Gaster’s “typer-value” is 666--you get the idea.

The concept art Toby drew for the Alarm Clock’s character screen features what is presumably Sans and the number six.

“The Choice”--the track that plays during Sans’s judgements--is “Undertale” slowed down by 666%.

Section IV - Angels and Demons (The “Why”)

In modern day culture, 666 is closely associated with the devil. The Book of Revelation (13:17-18) asserts that 666 is “the number of a man” (this is important, and we’ll come back to it later) and is “the number of the Beast”. The Beast is mentioned as “coming out of the abyss”. 

Sounds a lot like someone else we know, doesn’t it? And how fitting for Sans, the one who judges our sins and demands us “to burn in hell”.

But if we go further, the Beast of Revelation is described to have seven heads representing seven kings. The beast itself is an eighth king who is of the seven and "was and is not and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition." 

Chara is an eighth of the seven fallen children. 

There’s something Chara, Sans, and Gaster all share, and it’s their association with demons.

Here is an excerpt from the Cutting Room Floor:

Among the four strings in version 1.0, the last one, designated by variable “demond”, stands out for two reasons. 

 The letter “d” is separate from the other letters denoting the demon variables--the rest, “x”, “y”, and “z” are in sequential alphabet order.

The speech pattern of the last string is different from the others. It has that signature question tag at the end of the sentence that a certain character is known for.

In version 1.001, the strings clearly reflect Chara’s speech pattern. This time, all the variables are in sequential order from “a” to “d”. 

Pieces of dialogue at the near-end of a genocide route from Chara and Sans. Recall that Chara is using the same “Now” from earlier with Gaster and Sans.

Chara makes a reference to Banana Yoshimoto's book “Kitchen”. Take note of the page number.

Chara is also linked to the number nine. It’s the highest achievable stat in-game. It’s the stat of the locket and real knife. It’s how much damage Chara deals. It’s also the number six flipped upside down. 

The connections are undeniable. 

And yet, it goes further. Let’s take a look at how Christmas comes in to play.

In Deltarune, there are a few references to it, the most foremost probably being the importance of Noelle Holiday as a character. We also get Lancer’s laugh and the joke with “Krismas”.

Back to Undertale, there is significant Christmas iconography represented by “Gyfmas” and Gyftrot (bearing a strong resemblance to Photoshop Flowey, the DT Extractor, and Gaster Blasters).

What I’d like to focus on is Santa.  Papyrus describes him as “a chubby, smiling man who loves to surprise people.” From the thank you note addressed to Santa we find in Sans’s room, we can assume that Sans is a Santa, at least to Papyrus. It’s pretty fitting, since Sans can be described as someone who “knows if [we’ve] been bad or good”. Maybe he can even tell if we’re sleeping or awake with how the Dark World appears to be linked with sleep and dreams (please read my theory on Sans being a Darkner for more on this).

So we can reasonably conclude that Sans presents himself as a friendly, child-oriented figure, in-line with the nature of Comic Sans, a font for children, and Ice-E, a mascot of a company marketed towards children.

…

Santa is an anagram of Satan. 

…

To recap: Gaster’s association with the number 666 marks him as a “demon”. Chara and Sans are also called demons and similarly have connections to the number 6. This is more evidence that Gaster and Sans is or used to be the same people, and Chara has some form of correspondence with them.

I failed to mention before that there is actually a second Beast of Revelation “from the Earth” with "two horns like a lamb”. From the “earth” like Flowey, with horns like Asriel. 

Asriel is most likely the “Angel” depicted in the prophecy within the scope of Undertale; he’s named similarly to Azrael, an angel of death, and one of his attacks is literally called “Angel of Death”. He also bears a striking resemblance to the Deltarune in his God of Hyperdeath form.

Surprise, surprise, he and Sans also share parallels. 

Let’s start with their introductions. “Flowey the flower”. “Sans the skeleton”. It’s a similarly alliterative greeting and they’re both using fake names.

Mirrored dialogue yet again...

…and similar meta-commentary.

These three characters--Sans/Gaster, Chara, and Flowey/Asriel--they have all fallen. Gaster fell into his creation. Chara fell into the Underground. Asriel had “fallen down”. (Sans and Papyrus are also the only sibling pair other than Chara and Asriel. I won’t talk about Papyrus in this part though because this thing is shaping up to be too long already.)

What does this mean for Sans? I have a personal theory.

Above the entryway of the Judgement Hall, there is a reversed Deltarune. The triangles are inverted and the wings are more bat-like. In the room where only Sans appears, the same room that plays a version of “Undertale” slowed down 666%.

I think Sans is a candidate for the Angel prophesized to destroy the world in Deltarune. I think he is Sans Serif, a seraph. He fell into his experiment and became a “fallen” angel, a demon. 

The Angel’s Heaven mentioned alongside, on the other hand...  Heaven can also be used to refer to God. Dog is an anagram of God. 

Sans has many, many connections with dogs, especially one Annoying Dog. More on this next time.

Part 1 || ❤️ || Part 3

[sunmoonandsandsoundtracks]

it's not christmas without you

i'm late. i had an off day, so this is technically a day behind. oh well.

there was a lot i kept thinking i needed to include in this note, but i forgot at least half of it. i'm pretty sure it wasn't all that important.

anyway, this is a special one. i normally use this generic character name for all my reader characters, and i don't include any specifics beyond that. this time, i decided to try something else. it's second person pov with one of my characters. she's still mostly undescribed with her features, but i did include one or two things that hint at her appearance. i had fun with it, but i was being extra careful to not include too much about her, and while i think everything is relevant, i still might have left a line or two that could have been cut.

i won't be surprised if this is my least liked story, but i'm pretty happy with it.

disclaimer: the plot and chii only are mine to own, so if you feel inclined to sue me, fuck off and leave me alone.

song

word count: 2978- i really need help with cutting shit down. i tried so hard, but this idea just kept hopping around, so i was just trying to make sure i didn't leave any gaps. character explanation, as limited as i tried to keep it, didn't help either. there's just a lot more to be said about a character i've had for over ten years than a generic one i made up specifically to suit a single story.

enjoy!

The Christmas music called to you from inside Naruto and Hinata’s home, and the picture from outside made you smile softly. Bright light spilled through the front windows onto glittering snow covered bushes, and you couldn’t deny that it warmed your heart quite a bit.

“It’s not a party!” Naruto had told you when you had initially been resistant to the idea of the gathering. “It’s just a few friends!” That was a lie if you ever heard one. Naruto didn’t do anything small. However, it wasn’t as big as you thought it would be. Kiba and Shino were busy with their families that evening, as were Sasuke, his wife Usagi, and their one child (and a half). Sakura was working a double shift at the hospital. It was sad that not everyone could make it, but you were relieved. Kiba and Naruto were the rowdiest of the group, and Usagi could blend with them very well, very easily when she wanted to. Taking two of those people out of the equation meant a chance at a few hours of relative peace. Some others were arriving late, so it was the best time to be there.

“Yeah!” Naruto cheered when he opened the door to see you. “I knew you’d come!”

“I told you I would,” you laughed, stepping in and removing your long overcoat. He took it, tossed it on the pile of the others, and led you to the den where about a dozen others were. “Am I the last one?”

“Nah. Kankuro is still lagging behind. He’ll be here soon.”

You nodded with a slight ache in your heart when the name caused you to remember one of the reasons that you were there. It was so you wouldn’t stay home sulking.

“Chii!” You looked over just in time to get plowed into by Ino, your older sister by adoption.

“Hi, sis,” you groaned as you tried to stay standing. “How much have you had to drink?”

“I’ve hardly had any!”

“Uh-huh,” you said, not believing her. She had an average alcohol tolerance, so you knew she needed a few cups to get so bubbly, depending on the drink. She had been in an exceptionally good mood that day, though, so maybe she hadn’t had all that much.

“I’m telling the truth!”

“Okay, okay, but I still smell schnapps on your breath, so back up, please.”

“All right,” she said and took a step back. “Think you’ll be able to stay the whole time?”

Your eyes darted to the three children of Naruto and Hinata- crawling around at his mother’s feet with some of his toys in reach- Shikamaru and Temari- in his father’s arms, looking around with mild interest- and Choji and Karui- finishing off a bottle in her father’s arms as well. “Until the babies go down, at least.”

“Right. That’s something, at least. It’s been forever since you’ve been around this many of us at once.”

“A year. Last Christmas and New Year’s was the last time.”

“Now that you mention it, I don’t think that half this many of us have gotten together since then. Naruto’s gotten handfuls of us out for dinner a few times, I think, but nothing near this.”

You nodded. “As much as we may want to, it’s pretty much impossible to get us all, now that some are parents, half of the group is married, and we all have careers.”

“Yeah, but that’s boring!”

“You say that because you’re not married or a parent, so you just have your career while your friends have their families to tend to. That’s okay. You’re a good psychiatrist, and you’ve got Kankuro whipped over those blue eyes.”

“And then there’s you, who would turn down half the invites if we did get together as often as we want to. Admit it, the extent of your socialization outside the family circle is pretty much your students and their parents and-”

She cut off, looking a little guilty.

“Gaara. Yeah, I know. Does that really count in your book? All we’ve done is text since last year, and not talking about it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not coming this year.”

“You don’t know that. Didn’t he say that he might make it on New Year’s Eve?”

“Might, but I’m not holding out a lot of hope.”

“Chii, come on. I know how you feel about him, but don’t let this ruin your holiday,” she sighed.

“It’s not just that he’s not here,” you muttered. “I… I was planning on making a move. I wasn’t going to do it over text, but I’ve been thinking about it for months.”

She gaped in astonishment. You confided almost everything in her, but this was the first time you’d spoken it aloud. It was the first time you actually said anything aloud that confirmed that you felt that way. There had been teasing the previous year when couples had paired off, leaving you and him as the spares, and the two of you looked as comfortable with each other as any of the couples did. It didn’t help when your gloves got soaked when someone’s water glass was knocked over while you all were out to dinner before seeing the lights in town. Your hands were freezing, dry, and cracking. The jacket you’d been wearing had pockets so tiny, you couldn’t fit your hands in them. He had a solution, and if you hadn’t actually known him from well before then, you would have jumped out of your skin when he gave you his left glove and told you to put it on, then taken your right hand and stuck it in his much roomier pocket along with his left hand. No, he wasn’t holding your hand.

Ino glanced back to check on you when you weren’t looking and almost had a fit. Kankuro was with her, and when he saw what she was freaking out about he was only a little calmer. If they hadn’t seen how bad your hands were, and knew that your gloves were useless, they wouldn’t have left you alone. They definitely wouldn’t have waited until the four of you had separated from the group to call you out on it.

Ino fussed over you enough- not nearly as bad as she did before you left for school- while Kankuro gave Gaara just enough trouble to consider himself a good big brother, but they both took the protectiveness up a notch, even though you had just turned twenty only a couple weeks prior to that incident, and Gaara was a month away from turning twenty-three.

“Does that mean you were actually going to drink tonight to work up the courage?” She couldn’t help teasing, eliciting a roll of your eyes.

“Very funny. I’m going to go say hi to the others and kidnap the kids,” you said, turning away from her. After making it around to everyone else, you got on the ground and played with Boruto, who recognized you after a minute or two. Conversation flew over your head until Boruto decided to lay down on the comfy blanket he was on and doze off, which was when you decided to stand up and re-join the adults.

“Hey, Chii, you haven’t performed since you graduated, right?” Naruto spoke up when the talking had ebbed.

You nodded, a sinking feeling in your gut. You’d gotten your bachelor of arts in performance with emphasis on voice and dance over six months beforehand, and since you’d returned home following graduation, all you’d been able to do with the education from your years at the University of Ame was teach those lessons, along with piano. You were good, and you knew it, but you weren’t one of the self-assured performers that could be put on the spot.

“Why don’t you sing something for us? We could use some live music!”

“Naruto, it’s not nice to ask someone so suddenly,” Hinata said, picking up their son.

“But we’re all friends, and we’ve all heard her before.”

“It was the national anthem at a school assembly in senior year. That was five years ago. Besides Ino, Shikamaru, Choji and the babies, no one else here has heard me since then,” you pointed out.

“Don’t you have to be ready to perform at a moment’s notice or something when you do musicals? What’s the word for those people?”

“Understudies or swings, and they prepare for months. They know exactly what they’re doing when they’re called on. Big difference.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll back off, but if you do it, we’ll take you out for sushi.”

You weakly glared at him as everyone laughed or at least smiled in amusement. The local sushi restaurant was a huge weakness of yours, and they were all close enough to you to know it. “What do you want me to sing?”

“Anything! It can be Jingle Bells if you jazz it up a bit.”

“Please, anything but that,” Temari groaned.

“Do that pretty one you’ve been listening to a lot,” Ino suggested. “It sounds sad, but ends with a good feeling!”

“It’s Not Christmas Without You?” You confirmed, daring her to push it.

“Yeah!”

“Oh, I like that one,” Hinata said.

You sighed, figuring you might as well vent your feelings with a song that hit the nail on the head. You found a karaoke track of it and plugged it into the stereo. Despite knowing that it would be better form to stand, you weren’t going to. You were confident in your abilities, but you weren’t about to stick out further when everyone else was sitting.

“The year’s almost over. It sure looks like December, with snow and ice on the ground,” you sang softly when you knew to come in.

You really hoped Ino was the only one there who knew that it wasn’t just a song to you. You weren’t sure, but you knew that when your emotions ran high- a too frequent occurrence- you were an open book. If you got too emotional during the song, it would be obvious that it was personal, and the others would wonder. Only Naruto would openly ask, if he didn’t decide it was better left alone, but those people had all shown that they cared about you enough to be curious. If that was it, you’d be okay, but you knew some of them might not have to think too much to reach the accurate conclusion. It would be embarrassing enough for them to know you had a general someone in mind, but Shikamaru and especially Temari… That would just be awkward for them to find out that you felt that way about her brother while you were belting out the chorus.

When you were finishing the first chorus, Boruto stirred, recognizing your voice from when you’d sung him lullabies. He reached for you, surprising you a bit. It was rare that he chose to part from his mother when he was sleepy. You weren’t even sure that you’d seen it happen before. You glanced at Hinata as you started the second verse, and she smiled. You nervously took him from her and stood, knowing he’d be happiest being rocked.

It turned out to be a blessing in a few ways. For one, your focus was on him as you carried on. For another, you couldn’t go all in on the bridge and final chorus the way it was called for when he was that close if you wanted to spare his hearing, so you had to control your emotional output along with your volume. You altered the intensity to stay as true as you could while keeping your voice just loud enough for everyone to hear you. It kept you from choking up like you feared.

“It’s Christmas, all I wanted this year, on this Christmas, was for you to be near,” you sang as you watched the infant fall back asleep before lifting your head to deliver the joyful last lines. You almost choked on them when you saw that at some point while you were distracted, Naruto had slipped away to let two more people in. “I won’t wonder if you’re thinking of me, ‘cause you’re here. My one wish has come true, it’s no longer Christmas without you…”

You were trying not to shake as your eyes met Gaara’s while he smiled warmly right at you. Swallowing everything you were feeling that you couldn’t begin to process as you were. Looking for an escape, you turned to Hinata.

“Would y-you like me to put him in his crib?” You tried begging her with your eyes. Luckily, she understood you and gave you the okay. You were in the nursery before you registered anything after that first step out. Trying to rationalize, you told yourself that it wasn’t a big deal. You just felt that way because you caved and gave that impromptu performance, which already had you anxious, but then you weren’t prepared for the sudden addition of two people, whoever they were. Finally, you admitted to yourself, it didn’t help that you had feelings for him, and you’d already made peace with the fact that he wasn’t coming.

You went straight back to Ino and asked her to get you a drink, knowing very little about alcohol. She was surprised, but complied, catching on quickly. You followed through with what you told Ino, but as soon as you saw that Shikadai and Chocho were both out, you were heading for your car. You were so glad you’d driven separately from your sister just so you’d be able to take off if you got too overwhelmed. However, when you stopped by the door to find your keys in your bag, you were cornered.

“Your voice is beautiful,” he said.

“Thank you,” you said, too softly at first, so you felt the need to repeat it after clearing your throat. “I-I guess you were able to get away from work after all.”

“I was. I would have messaged you if I had known it would be such a shock to you.”

You concentrated on rifling through your bag. “Please, I doubt you had any time to think about contacting me.”

“More time than you’d think.”

You finally sighed and stopped, feeling too frantic. “Shock or not, you didn’t owe me anything.”

“Maybe, but I’m sorry I caught you off guard like that.”

“Don’t worry about it. I was already feeling like a deer in the headlights.”

“Naruto mentioned that he bribed you to do it. Let me guess, that sushi restaurant you told me about over the summer?”

You blushed. “Am I that predictable?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” he chuckled. “I just think I’ve gotten to know you well.”

“It would seem so.”

“Would you be opposed to going with me?” His meaning flew over your head at first.

“Of course not. I’m sure Naruto would love for you to come with us when he-”

“I meant just me.”

For the first time, you willingly looked at him instead of doing it by accident, not totally confident that he was asking what you had intended to ask at one point.

“Oh, um… No, I-I wouldn’t be. I’m free whenever you’d like to go, for the most part. Just give me as much warning as you can, in case I have a lesson. I don’t have many to work around.”

He nodded. “I don’t want to keep you, if you have somewhere else you need to be.”

“I don’t… I just know more people should be here soon, and I’m kind of at my limit.” “I understand.” You noted the flash of a frown and furrowed brow, indicating that he was unhappy. “Would tomorrow evening work?”

You were pretty sure you had no prior commitments, and you were happy to deliver a positive answer.

“Yes, it would. I can come get you at six, or do you have a car you’d prefer to drive?”

“That works. Just be ready for any future teasing at my expense. It’s technically the first time I’ve ever asked anyone on a date.”

Everything came to a screeching halt as you realized it was more than you told yourself it was to spare yourself the disappointment if he meant it platonically.

“It’s technically the first time I’ve ever said yes to one,” you faintly laughed.

He smiled again, and you returned it. It was the perfect time to tell him, but you were afraid you’d stumble over yourself too much. Maybe it should wait until the next day.

Car doors shutting signaled the arrival of more people, but you found you weren’t quite as eager to go. He nodded in understanding when you looked back at him, figuring you were itching to get out of there. You had an idea that was so impulsive, you didn’t even register that you’d acted on it until it was over and you were up on the balls of your feet to reach him.

“Sorry,” you quickly said as he set you with a wide eyed gaze. “Let’s just say I’ve been waiting to do that for a year, and I guess I couldn’t wait any longer. I surprised myself too.”

Without warning, he returned the favor, giving both of you a chance to enjoy it.

“I guess I couldn’t wait any longer either,” he said when you broke apart, both of you sporting smiles.

Those smiles only lasted until there was a knock on the door, and someone cleared their throat, attracting your attention. Naruto stood there with a smile that he wore well, one that conveyed the promise of mischief.

“I’ll treat you to sushi for singing, Chii, but unless you want me to run back in there and announce that we just gained another couple, my next ramen bill is on you.”

[innuendostudios]

Thoughts on: Criterion's Neo-Noir Collection

I have written up all 26 films* in the Criterion Channel's Neo-Noir Collection.

Legend: rw - rewatch; a movie I had seen before going through the collection dnrw - did not rewatch; if a movie met two criteria (a. I had seen it within the last 18 months, b. I actively dislike it) I wrote it up from memory.

* in September, Brick leaves the Criterion Channel and is replaced in the collection with Michael Mann's Thief. May add it to the list when that happens.

Note: These are very "what was on my mind after watching." No effort has been made to avoid spoilers, nor to make the plot clear for anyone who hasn't seen the movies in question. Decide for yourself if that's interesting to you.

Cotton Comes to Harlem I feel utterly unequipped to asses this movie. This and Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song the following year are regularly cited as the progenitors of the blaxploitation genre. (This is arguably unfair, since both were made by Black men and dealt much more substantively with race than the white-directed films that followed them.) Its heroes are a couple of Black cops who are treated with suspicion both by their white colleagues and by the Black community they're meant to police. I'm not 100% clear on whether they're the good guys? I mean, I think they are. But the community's suspicion of them seems, I dunno... well-founded? They are working for The Man. And there's interesting discussion to the had there - is the the problem that the law is carried out by racists, or is the law itself racist? Can Black cops make anything better? But it feels like the film stacks the deck in Gravedigger and Coffin Ed's favor; the local Black church is run by a conman, the Back-to-Africa movement is, itself, a con, and the local Black Power movement is treated as an obstacle. Black cops really are the only force for justice here. Movie portrays Harlem itself as a warm, thriving, cultured community, but the people that make up that community are disloyal and easily fooled. Felt, to me, like the message was "just because they're cops doesn't mean they don't have Black soul," which, nowadays, we would call copaganda. But, then, do I know what I'm talking about? Do I know how much this played into or off of or against stereotypes from 1970? Was this a radical departure I don't have the context to appreciate? Is there substance I'm too white and too many decades removed to pick up on? Am I wildly overthinking this? I dunno. Seems like everyone involved was having a lot of fun, at least. That bit is contagious.

Across 110th Street And here's the other side of the "race film" equation. Another movie set in Harlem with a Black cop pulled between the police, the criminals, and the public, but this time the film is made by white people. I like it both more and less. Pro: this time the difficult position of Black cop who's treated with suspicion by both white cops and Black Harlemites is interrogated. Con: the Black cop has basically no personality other than "honest cop." Pro: the racism of the police force is explicit and systemic, as opposed to comically ineffectual. Con: the movie is shaped around a racist white cop who beats the shit out of Black people but slowly forms a bond with his Black partner. Pro: the Black criminal at the heart of the movie talks openly about how the white world has stacked the deck against him, and he's soulful and relateable. Con: so of course he dies in the end, because the only way privileged people know to sympathetize with minorities is to make them tragic (see also: The Boys in the Band, Philadelphia, and Brokeback Mountain for gay men). Additional con: this time Harlem is portrayed as a hellhole. Barely any of the community is even seen. At least the shot at the end, where the criminal realizes he's going to die and throws the bag of money off a roof and into a playground so the Black kids can pick it up before the cops reclaim it was powerful. But overall... yech. Cotton Comes to Harlem felt like it wasn't for me; this feels like it was 100% for me and I respect it less for that.

The Long Goodbye (rw) The shaggiest dog. Like much Altman, more compelling than good, but very compelling. Raymond Chandler's story is now set in the 1970's, but Philip Marlowe is the same Philip Marlowe of the 1930's. I get the sense there was always something inherently sad about Marlowe. Classic noir always portrayed its detectives as strong-willed men living on the border between the straightlaced world and its seedy underbelly, crossing back and forth freely but belonging to neither. But Chandler stresses the loneliness of it - or, at least, the people who've adapted Chandler do. Marlowe is a decent man in an indecent world, sorting things out, refusing to profit from misery, but unable to set anything truly right. Being a man out of step is here literalized by putting him forty years from the era where he belongs. His hardboiled internal monologue is now the incessant mutterings of the weird guy across the street who never stops smoking. Like I said: compelling! Kael's observation was spot on: everyone in the movie knows more about the mystery than he does, but he's the only one who cares. The mystery is pretty threadbare - Marlowe doesn't detect so much as end up in places and have people explain things to him. But I've seen it two or three times now, and it does linger.

Chinatown (rw) I confess I've always been impressed by Chinatown more than I've liked it. Its story structure is impeccable, its atmosphere is gorgeous, its noirish fatalism is raw and real, its deconstruction of the noir hero is well-observed, and it's full of clever detective tricks (the pocket watches, the tail light, the ruler). I've just never connected with it. Maybe it's a little too perfectly crafted. (I feel similar about Miller's Crossing.) And I've always been ambivalent about the ending. In Towne's original ending, Evelyn shoots Noah Cross dead and get arrested, and neither she nor Jake can tell the truth of why she did it, so she goes to jail for murder and her daughter is in the wind. Polansky proposed the ending that exists now, where Evelyn just dies, Cross wins, and Jake walks away devastated. It communicates the same thing: Jake's attempt to get smart and play all the sides off each other instead of just helping Evelyn escape blows up in his face at the expense of the woman he cares about and any sense of real justice. And it does this more dramatically and efficiently than Towne's original ending. But it also treats Evelyn as narratively disposable, and hands the daughter over to the man who raped Evelyn and murdered her husband. It makes the women suffer more to punch up the ending. But can I honestly say that Towne's ending is the better one? It is thematically equal, dramatically inferior, but would distract me less. Not sure what the calculus comes out to there. Maybe there should be a third option. Anyway! A perfect little contraption. Belongs under a glass dome.

Night Moves (rw) Ah yeah, the good shit. This is my quintessential 70's noir. This is three movies in a row about detectives. Thing is, the classic era wasn't as chockablock with hardboiled detectives as we think; most of those movies starred criminals, cops, and boring dudes seduced to the darkness by a pair of legs. Gumshoes just left the strongest impressions. (The genre is said to begin with Maltese Falcon and end with Touch of Evil, after all.) So when the post-Code 70's decided to pick the genre back up while picking it apart, it makes sense that they went for the 'tecs first. The Long Goodbye dragged the 30's detective into the 70's, and Chinatown went back to the 30's with a 70's sensibility. But Night Moves was about detecting in the Watergate era, and how that changed the archetype. Harry Moseby is the detective so obsessed with finding the truth that he might just ruin his life looking for it, like the straight story will somehow fix everything that's broken, like it'll bring back a murdered teenager and repair his marriage and give him a reason to forgive the woman who fucked him just to distract him from some smuggling. When he's got time to kill, he takes out a little, magnetic chess set and recreates a famous old game, where three knight moves (get it?) would have led to a beautiful checkmate had the player just seen it. He keeps going, self-destructing, because he can't stand the idea that the perfect move is there if he can just find it. And, no matter how much we see it destroy him, we, the audience, want him to keep going; we expect a satisfying resolution to the mystery. That's what we need from a detective picture; one character flat-out compares Harry to Sam Spade. But what if the truth is just... Watergate? Just some prick ruining things for selfish reasons? Nothing grand, nothing satisfying. Nothing could be more noir, or more neo-, than that.

Farewell, My Lovely Sometimes the only thing that makes a noir neo- is that it's in color and all the blood, tits, and racism from the books they're based on get put back in. This second stab at Chandler is competant but not much more than that. Mitchum works as Philip Marlowe, but Chandler's dialogue feels off here, like lines that worked on the page don't work aloud, even though they did when Bogie said them. I'll chalk it up to workmanlike but uninspired direction. (Dang this looks bland so soon after Chinatown.) Moose Malloy is a great character, and perfectly cast. (Wasn't sure at first, but it's true.) Some other interesting cats show up and vanish - the tough brothel madam based on Brenda Allen comes to mind, though she's treated with oddly more disdain than most of the other hoods and is dispatched quicker. In general, the more overt racism and misogyny doesn't seem to do anything except make the movie "edgier" than earlier attempts at the same material, and it reads kinda try-hard. But it mostly holds together. *shrug*

The Killing of a Chinese Bookie (dnrw) Didn't care for this at all. Can't tell if the script was treated as a jumping-off point or if the dialogue is 100% improvised, but it just drags on forever and is never that interesting. Keeps treating us to scenes from the strip club like they're the opera scenes in Amadeus, and, whatever, I don't expect burlesque to be Mozart, but Cosmo keeps saying they're an artful, classy joint, and I keep waiting for the show to be more than cheap, lazy camp. How do you make gratuitious nudity boring? Mind you, none of this is bad as a rule - I love digressions and can enjoy good sleaze, and it's clear the filmmakers care about what they're making. They just did not sell it in a way I wanted to buy. Can't remember what edit I watched; I hope it was the 135 minute one, because I cannot imagine there being a longer edit out there.

The American Friend (dnrw) It's weird that this is Patricia Highsmith, right? That Dennis Hopper is playing Tom Ripley? In a cowboy hat? I gather that Minghella's version wasn't true to the source, but I do love that movie, and this is a long, long way from that. This Mr. Ripley isn't even particularly talented! Anyway, this has one really great sequence, where a regular guy has been coerced by crooks into murdering someone on a train platform, and, when the moment comes to shoot, he doesn't. And what follows is a prolonged sequence of an amateur trying to surreptitiously tail a guy across a train station and onto another train, and all the while you're not sure... is he going to do it? is he going to chicken out? is he going to do it so badly he gets caught? It's hard not to put yourself in the protagonist's shoes, wondering how you would handle the situation, whether you could do it, whether you could act on impulse before your conscience could catch up with you. It drags on a long while and this time it's a good thing. Didn't much like the rest of the movie, it's shapeless and often kind of corny, and the central plot hook is contrived. (It's also very weird that this is the only Wim Wenders I've seen.) But, hey, I got one excellent sequence, not gonna complain.

The Big Sleep Unlike the 1946 film, I can follow the plot of this Big Sleep. But, also unlike the 1946 version, this one isn't any damn fun. Mitchum is back as Marlowe (this is three Marlowes in five years, btw), and this time it's set in the 70's and in England, for some reason. I don't find this offensive, but neither do I see what it accomplishes? Most of the cast is still American. (Hi Jimmy!) Still holds together, but even less well than Farewell, My Lovely. But I do find it interesting that the neo-noir era keeps returning to Chandler while it's pretty much left Hammet behind (inasmuch as someone whose genes are spread wide through the whole genre can be left behind). Spade and the Continental Op, straightshooting tough guys who come out on top in the end, seem antiquated in the (post-)modern era. But Marlowe's goodness being out of sync with the world around him only seems more poignant the further you take him from his own time. Nowadays you can really only do Hammett as pastiche, but I sense that you could still play Chandler straight.

Eyes of Laura Mars The most De Palma movie I've seen not made by De Palma, complete with POV shots, paranormal hoodoo, and fixation with sex, death, and whether images of such are art or exploitation (or both). Laura Mars takes photographs of naked women in violent tableux, and has gotten quite famous doing so, but is it damaging to women? The movie has more than a superficial engagement with this topic, but only slightly more than superficial. Kept imagining a movie that is about 30% less serial killer story and 30% more art conversations. (But, then, I have an art degree and have never murdered anyone, so.) Like, museums are full of Biblical paintings full of nude women and slaughter, sometimes both at once, and they're called masterpieces. Most all of them were painted by men on commission from other men. Now Laura Mars makes similar images in modern trappings, and has models made of flesh and blood rather than paint, and it's scandalous? Why is it only controversial once women are getting paid for it? On the other hand, is this just the master's tools? Is she subverting or challenging the male gaze, or just profiting off of it? Or is a woman profiting off of it, itself, a subversion? Is it subversive enough to account for how it commodifies female bodies? These questions are pretty clearly relevant to the movie itself, and the movies in general, especially after the fall of the Hays Code when people were really unrestrained with the blood and boobies. And, heck, the lead is played by the star of Bonnie and Clyde! All this is to say: I wish the movie were as interested in these questions as I am. What's there is a mildly diverting B-picture. There's one great bit where Laura's seeing through the killer's eyes (that's the hook, she gets visions from the murderer's POV; no, this is never explained) and he's RIGHT BEHIND HER, so there's a chase where she charges across an empty room only able to see her own fleeing self from ten feet behind. That was pretty great! And her first kiss with the detective (because you could see a mile away that the detective and the woman he's supposed to protect are gonna fall in love) is immediately followed by the two freaking out about how nonsensical it is for them to fall in love with each other, because she's literally mourning multiple deaths and he's being wildly unprofessional, and then they go back to making out. That bit was great, too. The rest... enh.

The Onion Field What starts off as a seemingly not-that-noirish cops-vs-crooks procedural turns into an agonizingly protracted look at the legal system, with the ultimate argument that the very idea of the law ever resulting in justice is a lie. Hoo! I have to say, I'm impressed. There's a scene where a lawyer - whom I'm not sure is even named, he's like the seventh of thirteen we've met - literally quits the law over how long this court case about two guys shooting a cop has taken. He says the cop who was murdered has been forgotten, his partner has never gotten to move on because the case has lasted eight years, nothing has been accomplished, and they should let the two criminals walk and jail all the judges and lawyers instead. It's awesome! The script is loaded with digressions and unnecessary details, just the way I like it. Can't say I'm impressed with the execution. Nothing is wrong, exactly, but the performances all seem a tad melodramatic or a tad uninspired. Camerawork is, again, purely functional. It's no masterpiece. But that second half worked for me. (And it's Ted Danson's first movie! He did great.)

Body Heat (rw) Let's say up front that this is a handsomely-made movie. Probably the best looking thing on the list since Night Moves. Nothing I've seen better captures the swelter of an East Coast heatwave, or the lusty feeling of being too hot to bang and going at it regardless. Kathleen Turner sells the hell out of a femme fatale. There are a lot of good lines and good performances (Ted Danson is back and having the time of his life). I want to get all that out of the way, because this is a movie heavily modeled after Double Indemnity, and I wanted to discuss its merits before I get into why inviting that comparison doesn't help the movie out. In a lot of ways, it's the same rules as the Robert Mitchum Marlowe movies - do Double Indemnity but amp up the sex and violence. And, to a degree it works. (At least, the sex does, dunno that Double Indemnity was crying out for explosions.) But the plot is amped as well, and gets downright silly. Yeah, Mrs. Dietrichson seduces Walter Neff so he'll off her husband, but Neff clocks that pretty early and goes along with it anyway. Everything beyond that is two people keeping too big a secret and slowly turning on each other. But here? For the twists to work Matty has to be, from frame one, playing four-dimensional chess on the order of Senator Palpatine, and its about as plausible. (Exactly how did she know, after she rebuffed Ned, he would figure out her local bar and go looking for her at the exact hour she was there?) It's already kind of weird to be using the spider woman trope in 1981, but to make her MORE sexually conniving and mercenary than she was in the 40's is... not great. As lurid trash, it's pretty fun for a while, but some noir stuff can't just be updated, it needs to be subverted or it doesn't justify its existence.

Blow Out Brian De Palma has two categories of movie: he's got his mainstream, director-for-hire fare, where his voice is either reigned in or indulged in isolated sequences that don't always jive with the rest fo the film, and then there's his Brian De Palma movies. My mistake, it seems, is having seen several for-hires from throughout his career - The Untouchables (fine enough), Carlito's Way (ditto, but less), Mission: Impossible (enh) - but had only seen De Palma-ass movies from his late period (Femme Fatale and The Black Dahlia, both of which I think are garbage). All this to say: Blow Out was my first classic-era De Palma, and holy fucking shit dudes. This was (with caveats) my absolute and entire jam. I said I could enjoy good sleaze, and this is good friggin' sleaze. (Though far short of De Palma at his sleaziest, mercifully.) The splitscreens, the diopter shots, the canted angles, how does he make so many shlocky things work?! John Travolta's sound tech goes out to get fresh wind fx for the movie he's working on, and we get this wonderful sequence of visuals following sounds as he turns his attention and his microphone to various noises - a couple on a walk, a frog, an owl, a buzzing street lamp. Later, as he listens back to the footage, the same sequence plays again, but this time from his POV; we're seeing his memory as guided by the same sequence of sounds, now recreated with different shots, as he moves his pencil in the air mimicking the microphone. When he mixes and edits sounds, we hear the literal soundtrack of the movie we are watching get mixed and edited by the person on screen. And as he tries to unravel a murder mystery, he uses what's at hand: magnetic tape, flatbed editors, an animation camera to turn still photos from the crime scene into a film and sync it with the audio he recorded; it's forensics using only the tools of the editing room. As someone who's spent some time in college editing rooms, this is a hoot and a half. Loses a bit of steam as it goes on and the film nerd stuff gives way to a more traditional thriller, but rallies for a sound-tech-centered final setpiece, which steadily builds to such madcap heights you can feel the air thinning, before oddly cutting its own tension and then trying to build it back up again. It doesn't work as well the second time. But then, that shot right after the climax? Damn. Conflicted on how the movie treats the female lead. I get why feminist film theorists are so divided on De Palma. His stuff is full of things feminists (rightly) criticize, full of women getting naked when they're not getting stabbed, but he also clearly finds women fascinating and has them do empowered and unexpected things, and there are many feminist reads of his movies. Call it a mixed bag. But even when he's doing tropey shit, he explores the tropes in unexpected ways. Definitely the best movie so far that I hadn't already seen.

Cutter's Way (rw) Alex Cutter is pitched to us as an obnoxious-but-sympathetic son of a bitch, and, you know, two out of three ain't bad. Watched this during my 2020 neo-noir kick and considered skipping it this time because I really didn't enjoy it. Found it a little more compelling this go around, while being reminded of why my feelings were room temp before. Thematically, I'm onboard: it's about a guy, Cutter, getting it in his head that he's found a murderer and needs to bring him to justice, and his friend, Bone, who intermittently helps him because he feels bad that Cutter lost his arm, leg, and eye in Nam and he also feels guilty for being in love with Cutter's wife. The question of whether the guy they're trying to bring down actually did it is intentionally undefined, and arguably unimportant; they've got personal reasons to see this through. Postmodern and noirish, fixated with the inability to ever fully know the truth of anything, but starring people so broken by society that they're desperate for certainty. (Pretty obvious parallels to Vietnam.) Cutter's a drunk and kind of an asshole, but understandably so. Bone's shiftlessness is the other response to a lack of meaning in the world, to the point where making a decision, any decision, feels like character growth, even if it's maybe killing a guy whose guilt is entirely theoretical. So, yeah, I'm down with all of this! A- in outline form. It's just that Cutter is so uninterestingly unpleasant and no one else on screen is compelling enough to make up for it. His drunken windups are tedious and his sanctimonious speeches about what the war was like are, well, true and accurate but also obviously manipulative. It's two hours with two miserable people, and I think Cutter's constant chatter is supposed to be the comic relief but it's a little too accurate to drunken rambling, which isn't funny if you're not also drunk. He's just tedious, irritating, and periodically racist. Pass.

Blood Simple (rw) I'm pretty cool on the Coens - there are things I've liked, even loved, in every Coen film I've seen, but I always come away dissatisfied. For a while, I kept going to their movies because I was sure eventually I'd love one without qualification. No Country for Old Men came close, the first two acts being master classes in sustained tension. But then the third act is all about denying closure: the protagonist is murdered offscreen, the villain's motives are never explained, and it ends with an existentialist speech about the unfathomable cruelty of the world. And it just doesn't land for me. The archness of the Coen's dialogue, the fussiness of their set design, the kinda-intimate, kinda-awkward, kinda-funny closeness of the camera's singles, it cannot sell me on a devastating meditation about meaninglessness. It's only ever sold me on the Coens' own cleverness. And that archness, that distancing, has typified every one of their movies I've come close to loving. Which is a long-ass preamble to saying, holy heck, I was not prepared for their very first movie to be the one I'd been looking for! I watched it last year and it remains true on rewatch: Blood Simple works like gangbusters. It's kind of Double Indemnity (again) but played as a comedy of errors, minus the comedy: two people romantically involved feeling their trust unravel after a murder. And I think the first thing that works for me is that utter lack of comedy. It's loaded with the Coens' trademark ironies - mostly dramatic in this case - but it's all played straight. Unlike the usual lead/femme fatale relationship, where distrust brews as the movie goes on, the audience knows the two main characters can trust each other. There are no secret duplicitous motives waiting to be revealed. The audience also know why they don't trust each other. (And it's all communicated wordlessly, btw: a character enters a scene and we know, based on the information that character has, how it looks to them and what suspicions it would arouse, even as we know the truth of it). The second thing that works is, weirdly, that the characters aren't very interesting?! Ray and Abby have almost no characterization. Outside of a general likability, they are blank slates. This is a weakness in most films, but, given the agonizingly long, wordless sequences where they dispose of bodies or hide from gunfire, you're left thinking not "what will Ray/Abby do in this scenario," because Ray and Abby are relatively elemental and undefined, but "what would I do in this scenario?" Which creates an exquisite tension but also, weirdly, creates more empathy than I feel for the Coens' usual cast of personalities. It's supposed to work the other way around! Truly enjoyable throughout but absolutely wonderful in the suspenseful-as-hell climax. Good shit right here.

Body Double The thing about erotic thrillers is everything that matters is in the name. Is it thrilling? Is it erotic? Good; all else is secondary. De Palma set out to make the most lurid, voyeuristic, horny, violent, shocking, steamy movie he could come up with, and its success was not strictly dependent on the lead's acting ability or the verisimilitude of the plot. But what are we, the modern audience, to make of it once 37 years have passed and, by today's standards, the eroticism is quite tame and the twists are no longer shocking? Then we're left with a nonsensical riff on Vertigo, a specularization of women that is very hard to justify, and lead actor made of pulped wood. De Palma's obsessions don't cohere into anything more this time; the bits stolen from Hitchcock aren't repurposed to new ends, it really is just Hitch with more tits and less brains. (I mean, I still haven't seen Vertigo, but I feel 100% confident in that statement.) The diopter shots and rear-projections this time look cheap (literally so, apparently; this had 1/3 the budget of Blow Out). There are some mildly interesting setpieces, but nothing compared to Travolta's auditory reconstructions or car chase where he tries to tail a subway train from street level even if it means driving through a frickin parade like an inverted French Connection, goddamn Blow Out was a good movie! Anyway. Melanie Griffith seems to be having fun, at least. I guess I had a little as well, but it was, at best, diverting, and a real letdown.

The Hit Surprised by how much I enjoyed this one. Terrance Stamp flips on the mob and spends ten years living a life of ease in Spain, waiting for the day they find and kill him. Movie kicks off when they do find him, and what follows is a ramshackle road movie as John Hurt and a young Tim Roth attempt to drive him to Paris so they can shoot him in front of his old boss. Stamp is magnetic. He's spent a decade reading philosophy and seems utterly prepared for death, so he spends the trip humming, philosophizing, and being friendly with his captors when he's not winding them up. It remains unclear to the end whether the discord he sews between Roth and Hurt is part of some larger plan of escape or just for shits and giggles. There's also a decent amount of plot for a movie that's not terribly plot-driven - just about every part of the kidnapping has tiny hitches the kidnappers aren't prepared for, and each has film-long repercussions, drawing the cops closer and somehow sticking Laura del Sol in their backseat. The ongoing questions are when Stamp will die, whether del Sol will die, and whether Roth will be able to pull the trigger. In the end, it's actually a meditation on ethics and mortality, but in a quiet and often funny way. It's not going to go down as one of my new favs, but it was a nice way to spend a couple hours.

Trouble in Mind (dnrw) I fucking hated this movie. It's been many months since I watched it, do I remember what I hated most? Was it the bit where a couple of country bumpkins who've come to the city walk into a diner and Mr. Bumpkin clocks that the one Black guy in the back as obviously a criminal despite never having seen him before? Was it the part where Kris Kristofferson won't stop hounding Mrs. Bumpkin no matter how many times she demands to be left alone, and it's played as romantic because obviously he knows what she needs better than she does? Or is it the part where Mr. Bumpkin reluctantly takes a job from the Obvious Criminal (who is, in fact, a criminal, and the only named Black character in the movie if I remember correctly, draw your own conclusions) and, within a week, has become a full-blown hood, which is exemplified by a lot, like, a lot of queer-coding? The answer to all three questions is yes. It's also fucking boring. Even out-of-drag Divine's performance as the villain can't save it.

Manhunter 'sfine? I've still never seen Silence of the Lambs, nor any of the Hopkins Lecter movies, nor, indeed, any full episode of the show. So the unheimlich others get seeing Brian Cox play Hannibal didn't come into play. Cox does a good job with him, but he's barely there. Shame, cuz he's the most interesting part of the movie. Honestly, there's a lot of interesting stuff that's barely there. Will Graham being a guy who gets into the heads of serial killers is explored well enough, and Mann knows how to direct a police procedural such that it's both contemplative and propulsive. But all the other themes it points at? Will's fear that he understands murderers a little too well? Hannibal trying to nudge him towards becoming one? Whatever dance Hannibal and Tooth Fairy are doing? What Tooth Fairy's deal is, anyway? (Why does he wear fake teeth and bite things? Why is he fixated on the red dragon? Does the bit where he says "Francis is gone forever" mean he has DID?) None of it goes anywhere or amounts to anything. I mean, it's certainly more interesting with this stuff than without, but it has that feel of a book that's been pared of its interesting bits to fit the runtime (or, alternately, pulp that's been sloppily elevated). I still haven't made my mind up on Mann's cold, precise camera work, but at least it gives me something to look at. It's fine! This is fine.

Mona Lisa (rw) Gave this one another shot. Bob Hoskins is wonderful as a hood out of his depth in classy places, quick to anger but just as quick to let anger go (the opening sequence where he's screaming on his ex-wife's doorstep, hurling trash cans at her house, and one minute later thrilled to see his old car, is pretty nice). And Cathy Tyson's working girl is a subtler kind of fascinating, exuding a mixture of coldness and kindness. It's just... this is ultimately a story about how heartbreaking it is when the girl you like is gay, right? It's Weezer's Pink Triangle: The Movie. It's not homophobic, exactly - Simone isn't demonized for being a lesbian - but it's still, like, "man, this straight white guy's pain is so much more interesting than the Black queer sex worker's." And when he's yelling "you woulda done it!" at the end, I can't tell if we're supposed to agree with him. Seems pretty clear that she wouldn'ta done it, at least not without there being some reveal about her character that doesn't happen, but I don't think the ending works if we don't agree with him, so... I'm like 70% sure the movie does Simone dirty there. For the first half, their growing relationship feels genuine and natural, and, honestly, the story being about a real bond that unfortunately means different things to each party could work if it didn't end with a gun and a sock in the jaw. Shape feels jagged as well; what feels like the end of the second act or so turns out to be the climax. And some of the symbolism is... well, ok, Simone gives George money to buy more appropriate clothes for hanging out in high end hotels, and he gets a tan leather jacket and a Hawaiian shirt, and their first proper bonding moment is when she takes him out for actual clothes. For the rest of the movie he is rocking double-breasted suits (not sure I agree with the striped tie, but it was the eighties, whaddya gonna do?). Then, in the second half, she sends him off looking for her old streetwalker friend, and now he looks completely out of place in the strip clubs and bordellos. So far so good. But then they have this run-in where her old pimp pulls a knife and cuts George's arm, so, with his nice shirt torn and it not safe going home (I guess?) he starts wearing the Hawaiian shirt again. So around the time he's starting to realize he doesn't really belong in Simone's world or the lowlife world he came from anymore, he's running around with the classy double-breasted suit jacket over the garish Hawaiian shirt, and, yeah, bit on the nose guys. Anyway, it has good bits, I just feel like a movie that asks me to feel for the guy punching a gay, Black woman in the face needs to work harder to earn it. Bit of wasted talent.

The Bedroom Window Starts well. Man starts an affair with his boss' wife, their first night together she witnesses an attempted murder from his window, she worries going to the police will reveal the affair to her husband, so the man reports her testimony to the cops claiming he's the one who saw it. Young Isabelle Huppert is the perfect woman for a guy to risk his career on a crush over, and Young Steve Guttenberg is the perfect balance of affability and amorality. And it flows great - picks just the right media to res. So then he's talking to the cops, telling them what she told him, and they ask questions he forgot to ask her - was the perp's jacket a blazer or a windbreaker? - and he has to guess. Then he gets called into the police lineup, and one guy matches her description really well, but is it just because he's wearing his red hair the way she described it? He can't be sure, doesn't finger any of them. He finds out the cops were pretty certain about one of the guys, so he follows the one he thinks it was around, looking for more evidence, and another girl is attacked right outside a bar he knows the redhead was at. Now he's certain! But he shows the boss' wife the guy and she's not certain, and she reminds him they don't even know if the guy he followed is the same guy the police suspected! And as he feeds more evidence to the cops, he has to lie more, because he can't exactly say he was tailing the guy around the city. So, I'm all in now. Maybe it's because I'd so recently rewatched Night Moves and Cutter's Way, but this seems like another story about uncertainty. He's really certain about the guy because it fits narratively, and we, the audience, feel the same. But he's not actually a witness, he doesn't have actual evidence, he's fitting bits and pieces together like a conspiracy theorist. He's fixating on what he wants to be true. Sign me up! But then it turns out he's 100% correct about who the killer is but his lies are found out and now the cops think he's the killer and I realize, oh, no, this movie isn't nearly as smart as I thought it was. Egg on my face! What transpires for the remaining half of the runtime is goofy as hell, and someone with shlockier sensibilities could have made a meal of it, but Hanson, despite being a Corman protege, takes this silliness seriously in the all wrong ways. Next!

Homicide (rw? I think I saw most of this on TV one time) Homicide centers around the conflicted loyalties of a Jewish cop. It opens with the Jewish cop and his white gentile partner taking over a case with a Black perp from some Black FBI agents. The media is making a big thing about the racial implications of the mostly white cops chasing down a Black man in a Black neighborhood. And inside of 15 minutes the FBI agent is calling the lead a k*ke and the gentile cop is calling the FBI agent a f****t and there's all kinds of invective for Black people. The film is announcing its intentions out the gate: this movie is about race. But the issue here is David Mamet doesn't care about race as anything other than a dramatic device. He's the Ubisoft of filmmakers, having no coherent perspective on social issues but expecting accolades for even bringing them up. Mamet is Jewish (though lead actor Joe Mantegna definitely is not) but what is his position on the Jewish diaspora? The whole deal is Mantegna gets stuck with a petty homicide case instead of the big one they just pinched from the Feds, where a Jewish candy shop owner gets shot in what looks like a stickup. Her family tries to appeal to his Jewishness to get him to take the case seriously, and, after giving them the brush-off for a long time, finally starts following through out of guilt, finding bits and pieces of what may or may not be a conspiracy, with Zionist gun runners and underground neo-Nazis. But, again: all of these are just dramatic devices. Mantegna's Jewishness (those words will never not sound ridiculous together) has always been a liability for him as a cop (we are told, not shown), and taking the case seriously is a reclamation of identity. The Jews he finds community with sold tommyguns to revolutionaries during the founding of Israel. These Jews end up blackmailing him to get a document from the evidence room. So: what is the film's position on placing stock in one's Jewish identity? What is its position on Israel? What is its opinion on Palestine? Because all three come up! And the answer is: Mamet doesn't care. You can read it a lot of different ways. Someone with more context and more patience than me could probably deduce what the de facto message is, the way Chris Franklin deduced the de facto message of Far Cry V despite the game's efforts not to have one, but I'm not going to. Mantegna's attempt to reconnect with his Jewishness gets his partner killed, gets the guy he was supposed to bring in alive shot dead, gets him possibly permanent injuries, gets him on camera blowing up a store that's a front for white nationalists, and all for nothing because the "clues" he found (pretty much exclusively by coincidence) were unconnected nothings. The problem is either his Jewishness, or his lifelong failure to connect with his Jewishness until late in life. Mamet doesn't give a shit. (Like, Mamet canonically doesn't give a shit: he is on record saying social context is meaningless, characters only exist to serve the plot, and there are no deeper meanings in fiction.) Mamet's ping-pong dialogue is fun, as always, and there are some neat ideas and characters, but it's all in service of a big nothing that needed to be a something to work.

Swoon So much I could talk about, let's keep it to the most interesting bits. Hommes Fatales: a thing about classic noir that it was fascinated by the marginal but had to keep it in the margins. Liberated women, queer-coded killers, Black jazz players, broke thieves; they were the main event, they were what audiences wanted to see, they were what made the movies fun. But the ending always had to reassert straightlaced straight, white, middle-class male society as unshakeable. White supremacist capitalist patriarchy demanded, both ideologically and via the Hays Code, that anyone outside these norms be punished, reformed, or dead by the movie's end. The only way to make them the heroes was to play their deaths for tragedy. It is unsurprising that neo-noir would take the queer-coded villains and make them the protagonists. Implicature: This is the story of Leopold and Loeb, murderers famous for being queer, and what's interesting is how the queerness in the first half exists entirely outside of language. Like, it's kind of amazing for a movie from 1992 to be this gay - we watch Nathan and Dickie kiss, undress, masturbate, fuck; hell, they wear wedding rings when they're alone together. But it's never verbalized. Sex is referred to as "your reward" or "what you wanted" or "best time." Dickie says he's going to have "the girls over," and it turns out "the girls" are a bunch of drag queens, but this is never acknowledged. Nathan at one point lists off a bunch of famous men - Oscar Wild, E.M. Forster, Frederick the Great - but, though the commonality between them is obvious (they were all gay), it's left the the audience to recognize it. When their queerness is finally verbalized in the second half, it's first in the language of pathology - a psychiatrist describing their "perversions" and "misuse" of their "organs" before the court, which has to be cleared of women because it's so inappropriate - and then with slurs from the man who murders Dickie in jail (a murder which is written off with no investigation because the victim is a gay prisoner instead of a L&L's victim, a child of a wealthy family). I don't know if I'd have noticed this if I hadn't read Chip Delany describing his experience as a gay man in the 50's existing almost entirely outside of language, the only language at the time being that of heteronormativity. Murder as Love Story: L&L exchange sex as payment for the other commiting crimes; it's foreplay. Their statements to the police where they disagree over who's to blame is a lover's quarrel. Their sentencing is a marriage. Nathan performs his own funeral rites over Dickie's body after he dies on the operating table. They are, in their way, together til death did they part. This is the relationship they can have. That it does all this without romanticizing the murder itself or valorizing L&L as humans is frankly incredible.

Suture (rw) The pitch: at the funeral for his father, wealthy Vincent Towers meets his long lost half brother Clay Arlington. It is implied Clay is a child from out of wedlock, possibly an affair; no one knows Vincent has a half-brother but him and Clay. Vincent invites Clay out to his fancy-ass home in Arizona. Thing is, Vincent is suspected (correctly) by the police of having murdered his father, and, due to a striking family resemblence, he's brought Clay to his home to fake his own death. He finagles Clay into wearing his clothes and driving his car, and then blows the car up and flees the state, leaving the cops to think him dead. Thing is, Clay survives, but with amnesia. The doctors tell him he's Vincent, and he has no reason to disagree. Any discrepancy in the way he looks is dismissed as the result of reconstructive surgery after the explosion. So Clay Arlington resumes Vincent Towers' life, without knowing Clay Arlington even exists. The twist: Clay and Vincent are both white, but Vincent is played by Michael Harris, a white actor, and Clay is played by Dennis Haysbert, a Black actor. "Ian, if there's just the two of them, how do you know it's not Harris playing a Black character?" Glad you asked! It is most explicitly obvious during a scene where Vincent/Clay's surgeon-cum-girlfriend essentially bringing up phrenology to explain how Vincent/Clay couldn't possibly have murdered his father, describing straight hair, thin lips, and a Greco-Roman nose Haysbert very clearly doesn't have. But, let's be honest: we knew well beforehand that the rich-as-fuck asshole living in a huge, modern house and living it up in Arizona high society was white. Though Clay is, canonically, white, he lives an poor and underprivileged life common to Black men in America. Though the film's title officially refers to the many stitches holding Vincent/Clay's face together after the accident, "suture" is a film theory term, referring to the way a film audience gets wrapped up - sutured - in the world of the movie, choosing to forget the outside world and pretend the story is real. The usage is ironic, because the audience cannot be sutured in; we cannot, and are not expected to, suspend our disbelief that Clay is white. We are deliberately distanced. Consequently this is a movie to be thought about, not to to be felt. It has the shape of a Hitchcockian thriller but it can't evoke the emotions of one. You can see the scaffolding - "ah, yes, this is the part of a thriller where one man hides while another stalks him with a gun, clever." I feel ill-suited to comment on what the filmmakers are saying about race. I could venture a guess about the ending, where the psychiatrist, the only one who knows the truth about Clay, says he can never truly be happy living the lie of being Vincent Towers, while we see photographs of Clay/Vincent seemingly living an extremely happy life: society says white men simply belong at the top more than Black men do, but, if the roles could be reversed, the latter would slot in seamlessly. Maybe??? Of all the movies in this collection, this is the one I'd most want to read an essay on (followed by Swoon).

The Last Seduction (dnrw) No, no, no, I am not rewataching this piece of shit movie.

Brick (rw) Here's my weird contention: Brick is in color and in widescreen, but, besides that? There's nothing neo- about this noir. There's no swearing except "hell." (I always thought Tug said "goddamn" at one point but, no, he's calling The Pin "gothed-up.") There's a lot of discussion of sex, but always through implication, and the only deleted scene is the one that removed ambiguity about what Brendan and Laura get up to after kissing. There's nothing postmodern or subversive - yes, the hook is it's set in high school, but the big twist is that it takes this very seriously. It mines it for jokes, yes, but the drama is authentic. In fact, making the gumshoe a high school student, his jadedness an obvious front, still too young to be as hard as he tries to be, just makes the drama hit harder. Sam Spade if Sam Spade were allowed to cry. I've always found it an interesting counterpoint to The Good German, a movie that fastidiously mimics the aesthetics of classic noir - down to even using period-appropriate sound recording - but is wholly neo- in construction. Brick could get approved by the Hays Code. Its vibe, its plot about a detective playing a bunch of criminals against each other, even its slang ("bulls," "yegg," "flopped") are all taken directly from Hammett. It's not even stealing from noir, it's stealing from what noir stole from! It's a perfect curtain call for the collection: the final film is both the most contemporary and the most classic. It's also - but for the strong case you could make for Night Moves - the best movie on the list. It's even more appropriate for me, personally: this was where it all started for me and noir. I saw this in theaters when it came out and loved it. It was probably my favorite movie for some time. It gave me a taste for pulpy crime movies which I only, years later, realized were neo-noir. This is why I looked into Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and In Bruges. I've seen it more times than any film on this list, by a factor of at least 3. It's why I will always adore Rian Johnson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's the best-looking half-million-dollar movie I've ever seen. (Indie filmmakers, take fucking notes.) I even did a script analysis of this, and, yes, it follows the formula, but so tightly and with so much style. Did you notice that he says several of the sequence tensions out loud? ("I just want to find her." "Show of hands.") I notice new things each time I see it - this time it was how "brushing Brendan's hair out of his face" is Em's move, making him look more like he does in the flashback, and how Laura does the same to him as she's seducing him, in the moment when he misses Em the hardest. It isn't perfect. It's recreated noir so faithfully that the Innocent Girl dies, the Femme Fatale uses intimacy as a weapon, and none of the women ever appear in a scene together. 1940's gender politics maybe don't need to be revisited. They say be critical of the media you love, and it applies here most of all: it is a real criticism of something I love immensely.

[franeridart]

Anon said: [Spoilers for non-manga readers] opinion on Baku's hero name?

Very Bakugou, honestly don’t mind it at all! Mostly just surprised it’s, like, legal in the bnha universe for heroes to call themselves stuff like explodo-kills (and also that there isn’t a character limit for hero names??) but that Bakugou would stick with it is pretty damn in character for him so I like it xD still, I’ll probably just call him Dynamight if I’ll ever need to use his hero name lmao

Anon said: not to be the most romantic sap but uh just a kiss by lady a is killin me

Nothing sappy about letting romantic songs get to you!!!! I say, as I’m constantly crying over romantic songs so this mindset benefits me as well lol

Anon said: i may or may not have stumbled across some of your older kiribaku art, the stuff with akane, and she's the best child oc tbh. i actually like her and i tend to not be a fan of child ocs but she's just the cutest darn thing 🥰

I’m so glad you like her!!!!! She was a lot of fun, what a good gremlin ;;;

Anon said: uve heard of dragon!kiri w his hair spikes up, now get ready for dragon!kiri w his hair dowm lookin like the softest boy

AW HECK I think I’ve drawn him in the past, actually!!!! Spike-haired Kiri will forever be my fav Kiri, but there’s just something about hair down Kiri isn’t it!! What a cute boy ;;;; all sharp edges and soft curves, what a lovely sight

Anon said: can i just say your itafushi art is so cute? these two already make me feel and then your art just (つω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

THANK YOU SO MUCH I really need to draw them more, don’t I! goge kinda monopolized my attention there, but the way itafushi makes me feel..........boy the way they make me feel ;;;;

Anon said: good day, poké au thought: 12 y/o bakugo somehow catches a dreepy as like his 2nd pokemon and never questions it

WHY NOT WHY NOT I have a whole team in my mind for the boy tbh but dreepy is so cute ;;;; and anyway, I like my poke!bakugou with as many dragon types as he could possibly get his hands on hahaha

Anon said: Please know that, amongst other factors, you were one of the maon reasons I stsrted Jujutsu Kaisen two days ago and there isnothing more to say except thank you and I'm absolutely in debt with you for that, thank you so much 😍

I’m so so SO glad you’re liking it!!!!!! It can get kinda heavy but it’s such a great story.... honestly I’d been wanting to start it since I saw the first pv for the anime all the way back last year but I was like, you know it’s a mappa anime! so I wanted to watch the anime as a new thing, cause I love mappa, but three episodes in I couldn’t hold back and just binged it. It’s kind of story that just makes you wanna drink it all in one go, isn’t it? so good so good

Anon said: makeup artist kirishima and model bakugo or makeup artist bakugo and model kirishima? :0c

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm can’t say I see either of them much into fashion tbh, but if I had to pick probably model Kiri and artist Baku? I just don’t think Baku would be able to stay still enough to get photographed, and he wouldn’t like the photographer bossing him around anyway, and catwalks would be impossible for him to stomach imho, he’s too restless for it! At least it’s the way I see it haha

Anon said: fdgdhdkfhdafs i had a thought, what if bakugo prefers dogs and kirishima prefers cats and when they meet each other and become friends it's like, "oh." because they have some striking similarities to their fave animals

That’s been my headcanon for a while now, actually!! I think for me it came from two characters in a manga I like that are a lot like a dog and a cat but have inverted fav animals and when I read about that I was like “oh, right, makes sense since they like each other” and then my brain turned it krbk because when does it not lmao

Anon said: your art is the soothing balm to my soul recently, thank you for posting so much beautiful content. i hope you have a lovely week. ♡

sob thank you so much, I’m glad my doodling can help you feel better ;; <3

Anon said: Friendly reminder anon from last time: that post I left last time I had only eaten 7 gingersnaps that day and hadn’t drank any water. So that encouraged me to actually self care. Thank you.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well I hope you’re taking care of yourself today too! And as fair trade, I’ll do the same myself! <3

Anon said: Hi! I'm an artist and I'm thinking of making a sideblog for my art. Do you have any tips?

Ah man, I’m sorry but I’m not the best person to ask this to! I started this sideblog cause I had too many followers on my main and I didn’t want my stuff to be seen by that many people at first, so whatever I did probably isn’t what you’re looking for :( but really there isn’t much to it, just post whatever you like to draw, tag it as best as you can (but remember that only the first five tags appear in the search page) and be patient, since whatever you do at first you won’t get much attention anyway - the only real advice I can give is to draw something that makes you happy and that you’d draw anyway even if no one were to see it, it’ll make keep posting despite a possible lack of activity a lot easier!

Anon said: Your goge art🥺🥺

I just love them so much ( TT’’’TT)9

Anon said: how the fuck have i not been following you? I remember seeing your bakushima art in the bnha tag and always thinking it's so cute. Now you're into JJK too??? and the satosugu art??? fuckin, diabetes incarnate. I love it. I love you. Your art 10/10. I'm tired lmao.

WELL thank you for the follow!! And for thinking my stuff is cute!!!!! I do my best with that, I want all the soft things for my favs 😌

Anon said: Are you gonna draw Gojou/Getou comic?? 👉🏻👈🏻 WOULD LOVE TO READ IT

you mean an actual doujin? I don’t think I will, sorry! I’m really no good at long projects orz but thank you so much for wishing to read something like that from me!!! ;A;

Anon said: Hello! YOUR ART IS SO FREAKING GORGEOUSSSS!!! I love them so much!! If I may ask you one question. Between Getou amd Gojou, who do you see as top/bottom? Just curious

THANK YOU!!!!! And I honestly don’t care as long as they’re happy and together!!! please let them be happy and together 🙏🙏🙏

Anon said: i want you to know!!! i followed you for your kiribaku art but!!! i love your art so much that idc what you post because it's all just!!!! incredible and wonderful and stunning!!!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! this means a lot to me so seriously thank you so much!!!!

Anon said: d'you think bakugo has like headaches or migraines after training or battles because of how loud his quirk is? like, i listen to music slightly too loud and my head is sending me to hell. (unless you go with the hoh hc which is also 👌)

I like to think Baku’s body is attuned enough to his own quirk that he wouldn’t get drawbacks of the kind tbh, though that wouldn’t be a bad thought for when he just starts to increase the output/width and strength of his explosions............ well, I myself suffer from chronic headaches and migraines so I’m always up for projecting on my favs ngl lmao

Anon said:  so like... dragon kirishima's eyes glow right? like, if we equate his dragon-ness to unbreakable his eyes glow? they also glow when he's half shifted? honestly i just live glowing eyes

Oh hell yeah I’m all for that, definitely definitely, I love glowing eyes with my whole heart and Kiri’s eyes in unbreakable are just so!!!!!! NGH *chef kiss* the more of unbreakable there is in his dragon form the happier I am ( TT^TT)9

Anon said: me, scrolling through your blog: ah shit guess im gonna have to start watching jjk

!!!!! hope it won’t hurt you too much, anon!!

Anon said: dragon!kiri and bakugo having a tug-of-war match over a piece of meat. both have it in their mouths. both are determined to win.

Kiri is turned into his dragon form and Baku still wins, hell yeah

Anon said: your satosugu is top tier!! it's hard to find stuff for them that isn't straight up angst so your art has been super cool and also very very cute!! (tho if you went with angst, it wouldn't be a bad thing obviously)

AH I’m so happy to hear you like them!!!! but also happy you wouldn’t mind angst, as I do like them the best happy and soft but my brain, my brain has been throwing sads my way for a while now 👀 I got some ideas

Anon said: What program/device do you use??

Easy Paint Tool SAI and a wacom intuos!! Though I got myself an ipad+procreate just yesterday and I’ve been messing around with it, let’s see how that one goes!

Anon said: *inahles* i am simping for mohawk man please tell me everything about your ocs immediately or i will detonate

THANK YOU FOR LIKING HIM HE’S CALLED DAVIDE Dav for short, he’s a cat of a man and a music instrument enthusiast (mostly string ones, but he’s very good with the piano as well) - he works in a music instruments store, and he’s a uni student majoring in philosphy! He doesn’t like bothersome things, he isn’t very good at taking anything seriously or putting effort in stuff, but he’s very chill to spend time with and generally a nice chat both if you want mindless thoughts or deep conversations (he’s a philosophy major after all). He can’t sing for shit, he’s got two cats (tago and schelly!), and he just wants a quiet life to laze around but all his friends are hurricanes in human bodies, but then again, he picked them himself so he can’t complain. He’s a good boy!! I’m planning a comic for him and his boy Ross >:]

[nonbinaryresource]

hi. i wanted to ask whether or not it’s ok to take comfort in a person that has not officially come out as trans but has included many forms of gender expression in their work? i’m trans and when i listened to this artist’s work (harry styles - she & fine line) i connected with the songs immediately? i found a lot of people in the community who too connected to the songs and interpreted the lyrics as a struggle with one’s gender identity. at first i was against calling harry trans because i thought it was wrong, but then after reading master posts i discovered that he constantly portrays gender in his work (using the trans flag on his album cover; being ok with his friends referring to him with she/her, miss, ‘sue’ instead of ‘harry’, and sis; his obsession with babies and especially wanting to get pregnant; relating himself only to female artists; etc.) and now i’m really confused. it feels comforting as a fan to relate to him and i, and a lot of other fans from the community, sometimes refer to him with he/she/they instead of he/him (he never said his pronouns are he/him). is that wrong? every time my (trans) friends and i refer to him with pronouns other than he/him or tell people not to assume he’s cis as he never specified that, other (usually cis. a trans fan called me transphobic and told me to stop seeking validation from cis white men.) fans will start calling us transphobic and delusional and attacking us to the point we had anxiety attacks over it? i’m just really confused right now. i don’t want to misgender anyone but i don’t understand why relating to someone who, from their actions, could be part of the community is wrong. i’m not out to anyone irl and sometimes i wish people caught on to the little things i do and recognise that i am part of the community. i don’t understand why people keep shutting down the idea the harry could be trans when he never said he was cis and was ok being referred to as she.

he has previously said that there are no lines between what's masculine and what's feminine for him anymore. i'm sorry this is so long and thank you

(You also sent in the song lyrics - thanks for the easy reference! - but I’m clipping those for length reasons.)

Disclaimer before I dig in: I am not a Harry Styles stan, I know very little about him, most of what I am going to say specifically about him is stuff I researched about specifically to answer this ask. I want to speak mostly generally to your question.

Okay, so you posed a pretty succinct, straight forward question. “i wanted to ask whether or not it’s ok to take comfort in a person that has not officially come out as trans but has included many forms of gender expression in their work?“ However, there’s also a lot of context to this ask that makes things not so straight forward, and there are several distinct issues touched upon here I want to delve into. But it seems a good a starting place as any to start with the direct question you asked.

Yes, of course it’s okay to find your own meaning in art and role models and relate to art your way from your perspective based on your experience. In fact, that’s nearly the entire purpose of art! And it makes sense too, that we as social creatures would look up to and be inspired by celebrities, artists, mentors, role models, etc. Feeling connected to and less alone because someone in the spotlight plays with gender presentation like you might or want to makes a lot of sense!

However, we have to remember that A) sometimes art is just art, and B) someone being in the spotlight doesn’t mean we actually know or understand them or are/should act familiar with them.

As an example, a couple years back, Will Jay released a song called “Never Been in Love” that pretty much exploded with aros and aces and became a bit of an anthem for a lot of us. Many wondered if he was aspec himself and there was a lot of queries about it (and I saw quite a few blogs reminding folk that they were allowed to relate to the song even if it meant something different to Will Jay or he wasn’t actually aspec). Earlier this year, he released the song “Lies” where he admits that he was writing songs he thought people would relate to and he actually had been in love even before writing “Never Been In Love”. That should do nothing to diminish how meaningful the song was to people, though! If we related to the song, we related to the song, and if it was meaningful and made us feel seen and understood, that’s great! A lot of times, art is personal, but sometimes art is just an exploration.

This concept applies even more to people themselves. It is soooo easy to idolize and romanticize people you’ve never actually met and really only see the persona they want you to see. Yes, they share personal information with the world and they experience a general lack of privacy that makes you feel like yeah, you really know who they are. But how can you really, personally, intimately know someone without interacting with them, chatting with them, getting to know them one on one? It’s fine to have role models and feel represented by and relate to a celebrity - just do not lose sight of the fact that what you’re feeling is personal feeling on your own end. It’s not something that this celebrity has actually built with you.

To put this another way: it is fine to headcanon fictional characters, but it’s not okay to headcanon real people.

Now, what I’m building up to here is that there are a lot of assumptions I am seeing - from both sides - that we cannot truly know because all we know is what Harry [or anyone] chooses to share with us. I’d like to break this down by going through some specific points.

at first i was against calling harry trans because i thought it was wrong

Okay, there are two sides to this.

1) It is wrong to apply a gender label/descriptor to someone without their permission.

2) In a cisnormative society, “cis” is the default gender label/descriptor to apply to everyone, and that’s equally wrong, so I get why it feels like a rebellion of the system to go “well, there are Reasons they could be trans, so I’m just going to go ahead and call them trans”.

We should get away from automatically labeling everyone as “cis”. However, the way we fix this isn’t to just decide we get to apply whatever label/descriptor to someone we want.

If someone hasn’t clarified or specified their gender (and you can’t/it isn’t a good or safe idea to ask them), it’s the safest bet to go by what they seem to be majority being called or what you can find of them referring to themself as.

In some cases, when someone seems to be specifically avoiding labeling themselves or uncomfortable with labeling themselves, it may be most comfortable for you to also avoid labeling them just as much as possible.

being ok with his friends referring to him with she/her, miss, ‘sue’ instead of ‘harry’, and sis; his obsession with babies and especially wanting to get pregnant; relating himself only to female artists; etc.)

It’s worth considering - is this something for friends only? Or is it open to fans and other public sectors?

Usually if something is for friends only, it’ll be kept out of public eye, but if only friends are doing this, is this something that is only being shared with you or is it something you’re entitled to as well?

Aaaaaaaaalso, it has to be pointed out that it’s binarist and cisnormative in it’s own way to equate different names/pronouns automatically with being trans or being a specific trans identity. Wanting to get pregnant? Do you know how many cis women I’ve heard go on and on about wanting a penis so they can pee standing up (like... all of them anytime we’re outside or camping)? Plenty of cis people use pronouns you might not expect! You don’t have to be trans/nonbinary to use multiple or ‘atypical’ pronouns. Cis people are allowed to use other pronouns as well! They’re allowed to have names typically associated with other genders! Not all gender nonconforming or genderqueer people/people queering gender are trans! Not everybody exploring their gender nor gender presentation is trans!

not to assume he’s cis as he never specified that

It’s great to not assume someone is cis! But that doesn’t automatically make them trans.

i don’t want to misgender anyone but i don’t understand why relating to someone who, from their actions, could be part of the community is wrong.

Do you specifically, absolutely need to gender someone in order to relate to them?

i don’t understand why people keep shutting down the idea the harry could be trans when he never said he was cis and was ok being referred to as she.

I’ve only recently seen a tiny bit of this ‘discourse’ around on twitter, but what I see is a few issues/points:

A) It’s not up to us to claim someone as trans if they have not come out as trans. Coming out is an extremely personal choice and should be up to each individual. “Claiming” them is basically dragging them into something that very well may be not theirs. And if it is theirs, why would you want to steal that moment of getting to determine and declare that away from them?

B) We are all so done with cis, able-bodied white folk being prioritized above the rest of the queer community!!! There are actual, legitimate, out trans people that can be your trans role models and they’re being shoved to the back of the closet in favor of a privileged, white Schrödinger’s Trans. Let’s uplift our actual community instead of getting stuck on someone who may or may not be a part of community - and may not even want to be a part of it!

All that being said, I do want to say something really quickly on Harry himself because it ties back into the assumptions we’ve been talking about. Harry’s sexuality has long been a question on fans and journalists minds, and Harry has pretty consistently made it clear that he’s not really interested in labels or boxes. Harry’s gender is not something that has been asked about, talked about, or answered on much. And his comment on masculinity and femininity? Let’s remember that, like pronouns, masculinity and femininity don’t automatically or inherently relate to one specific gender or not. And, quite frankly, it is faucet of toxic masculinity and cissexism to equate a gnc man/man in a dress with being trans. Men are allowed to wear dresses and makeup and heels! Men are allowed to be soft and nurturing and to cry! Cis or trans, men are allowed to be these things, and arguing that they’re trans simply for doing or being any of these does continue to enforce dangerous and strict views of the gender binary.

Okay, it feels like I kinda put you through the wringer, so I want to go back and reiterate: it is 100% valid to relate to and feel connected to/inspired by someone on the basis of their presentation and gender exploration. It is not valid to claim ownership over their identity because of this. It is possible for two people to experience same or similar things and yet come to different conclusions about themselves!

If Harry Styles as an icon is important to you, I’m glad you can have that! But not everyone will or has to share your connection, and the only one actually qualified to speak on Harry’s gender is Harry himself. Harry could be trans, but it’s his right and his right only to claim that label. Any assuming we do is just that: an assumption. And I want you to be careful with your own feelings getting too attached to the image of Harry you’ve built up in your own head only to potentially have them shattered if Harry decides to speak on things and it turns out his feelings don’t mean what you thought.

Your identity is valid regardless of how Harry Styles feels or identifies. You feeling validated and seen and represented by Harry’s actions is valid regardless of how Harry Styles feels or identifies. It’s great to have role models and be inspired by people, but remember that at the end of the day, you need to be able to rely on yourself to keep up your ego and determine your sense of self.

~Pluto

[sprnklersplashes]

songwriter!janis fic (unrequited crush, no-very-happy-ending) 

also on ao3

It all started because she loved Taylor Swift when she was in middle school. Who is she kidding, she still loves Taylor Swift, but that’s where all this began. A middle school girl’s obsession with Taylor Swift. A confused, sad girl with a broken heart and smudged black eyeliner, finding refuge in lyrics about loneliness and anger and revenge. They became anthems for her, mantras to mutter when the warzone of middle school became too much for her.

“Someday, I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean.”

“Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in.”

“I can still see you, this ain’t the best view.”

It amazes her. It’s honestly as if Taylor Swift has managed to look into her life and given her a bundle of songs for whatever she needs. For when Regina has thrown her one too many snide looks, for when she’s standing at the door of North Shore High on her first day, for when she eats lunch alone, for when her mom is the best mom she could have asked for, for when she and Damian are lying on the grass in her backyard, staring up at the sky, laughing at absolutely nothing. The songs become the soundtrack to her life, the chords and those raw, honest lyrics an emotional outlet she so desperately craves. Taylor, and her songs, become a confidant, almost a close friend who always knows what to say.

With all that in mind, perhaps it was only a matter of time before she asks for a guitar for Christmas. She’s fourteen, braces and a slight lisp, and jumps up and down like a mad woman when she sees it under the tree.

She practices for three days straight, until her fingers bleed, but Should’ve Said No is the first song she learns off by heart. She yells the lyrics with maybe a little too much passion, but her parents applaud her nonetheless.

Like she said, that’s how it all started.

Because that same Christmas, she realises that screaming her feelings while playing guitar actually feels pretty cathartic. And that if it worked for Taylor Swift, it could work for her. So she writes stuff down, plays around with chords and strumming until the beat on the guitar matches the one in her head. She grabs a page and a pencil and writes and re-writes her innermost thoughts and feelings on the page until they sound the way she wants them to. She plays around with rhyme schemes and structure and everything she’s been taught about in English class, and a thrill runs through her as she does so. It’s the same breathless high she feels when she paints or draws, the rush that comes from creating something.

Her parents sit on the other side of her bedroom door, no doubt exchanging worried glances as she repeats the same verse, same chorus, with only a word changed. She watches them when they think she can’t see, peering through the crack in her door. The conclusion they seem to come to is ‘well, as coping mechanisms go, it’s pretty good, and she’s happy, so who are we to stop it?’.

It takes her four days to finish her first song. And it sucks. But she keeps it, writes down the lyrics and chords in one of the few empty notebooks she has, and there’s no going back from it now. She writes, and she writes, and she writes, near enough every day. She likes to think she gets better with each one. She learns more chords, buys a cheap ukulele the summer after freshman year, tries her hand at piano during a particularly difficult few weeks. She doesn’t plan on doing anything with them. They’re just her little pieces to hold on to. Her therapy sessions outside the carpeted office.

No-one knows about it. She has a reputation to keep up, after all. The loner-by-choice, too-cool-for-school, aloof art freak. Everyone has their roles to play in the ecosystem that is high school and, much as she hates the entire system, that is hers to play. And she plays it well, if she may say so. The fact that hardly anyone knows her past that facade suits her just fine. After all, if people think she doesn’t care, she can’t get hurt. No-one needs to know that Janis Sarkisian actually has feelings.

Even less need to know that she writes songs about said feelings.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time she reaches her junior year, she’s onto her third notebook. She keeps them tucked away in her sock drawer, expertly hidden so only she can find them. Damian teases her about it, calling her “the protagonist of a Disney Channel Original Movie”. She just rolls her eyes and reminds him that “if either of us is gonna be Disney’s first openly gay character, it’ll be you”. He can’t argue with that.

It should be noted that when Janis said that no-one knows about her songwriting, Damian was the obvious exception. He found out just weeks after she started. There’s no keeping secrets from him.

Between all her notebooks, she’s written around forty songs.

Then she meets Cady Heron one day. The human embodiment of a labrador puppy, complete with wide, lost eyes. She likes her instantly, decides to take her under her wing because Lord knows the girl needs it. Cady’s smile is infectious, her laugh like a summer breeze. She has dimples and caramel-coloured hair and really likes maths.

She meets Cady on a Monday.

By that Saturday, song number 41-titled “Dimples and Curls” is more or less complete.

She plays it for Damian, hands only slightly shaking as she changes chords, the strumming short and upbeat, the melody strangely happy for such a bittersweet song.

He applauds her, but the subject of the song hangs in the air even after she’s played the last chord and the music fades. Unsaid, but not unknown. Just like her songwriting, Janis couldn’t keep a crush from Damian if she tried.

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“Hey, check it out.”

Cady drops onto the seat across from Janis, the whole table shaking as she does so. Like a small meteor just hit Earth. Janis looks up from her lunch, pretending like she had been doing her own thing and not watching the door until Cady came in. Pretending like her stomach doesn’t do little flips at the sight of her crossing the cafeteria. She pulls the flyer towards her and hums in amusement.

��The winter talent show,” she reads before chomping off a carrot stick. “Oh, is it that time of year already?”

“Seems like only yesterday we was welcoming the young’uns into this brave new world during the harvest season,” Damian sighs, putting on a delightfully over the top Southern Belle accent, no doubt influenced by their reading of Streetcar Named Desire in English class. Janis cackles, and nearly chokes on her lunch as she does.

“And now the cold winds of winter are descending upon us,” she replies, her accent equally heavy. She bats her eyes for good measure, because she can and because it makes Cady laugh. “Oh but I pray the children will survive this season, it is often rough for them.”

“I am never showing you two anything winter related ever again,” Cady says.

Janis just shrugs and runs her hand through her hair before her eyes go back to the flyer. Clearly, whatever sophomore they got to design it this year did their best; found the prettiest looking snowflakes on Google Images to put on the cartoon stage, decided to write in some swirling, slanted font rather than the start-studded block lettering they usually went for. It’s still the same as it is every year, meaning just as mockable, but she’ll give them points for tying.

“Well, anyone here going for it?” she asks. She looks from Damian to Cady and back again, a teasing smirk on her lips. “Last year and all that.”

“Not sure I can,” Damian sighs. “I mean, I’m booked up with Spelling Bee rehearsals and spring cabaret auditions happening next semester.” He drums his fingers against his throat. “Gotta give the little vocal chords some rest, you know?”

Janis’ response is to sing the lowest note she possibly can before turning to Cady and giving her a pointed look, the corner of her mouth quirked up.

“Who? Me?” Cady’s cheeks turned crimson and she shakes her head so much that the caramel curls bounced around her shoulders. “No way. Damian can take the stage, I’m fine with my calculators and textbooks.”

“You could always solve equations in front of everyone,” Janis says. “I could call out college-level questions from the audience and you solve them in under 30 seconds.”

“I think I’ll pass,” she giggles. She leans forward slightly, eyes glittering, and Janis does her best not to squirm. The effect Cady Heron’s eyes have on her should be studied by scientists. “What about you, Janis?”

“I don’t know.” She thinks back to when she helped on stage crew last year, as well as helping out (or taking over) with the set design. It had been fun, the kind of challenge she needed to keep her mind off the slowly-going-off-the-rails plan. And she was told it looked good on her college applications, because all people can think about apparently is college, college, college. “Maybe. They might need another genius stage manager.”

“And you’ll step in if they can’t find one?” She digs Damian in the ribs for that comment.

“But not performing?” Cady asks, and Janis freezes. Performing had never even crossed her mind before. She’s used to backstage, hell, she likes backstage. It’s not that she has stage fright or anything, and if she had, her stunt at Ms Norbury’s little healing session would have squished it. She had just never thought about it.

But Cady had, apparently.

“I-No, I-I don’t think so,” she stammers out. “Um, I might do backstage again, but not actually doing something, you know, talent related.” She bites her tongue and clamps her lips shut before anything else can come out.

“Okay then,” Cady replies slowly. She gets up from the table, her little empty water bottle in her hands. “I’m going to go for a refill, save my seat.”

“No problem,” Janis says, but Cady’s already jogging away.

She doesn’t know if it’s good or bad that Cady’s known her too long to think of her as cool, and so this kind of awkward babbling isn’t really surprising to her. Instead of thinking about it, she just sets her head on the table and lets Damian rub her back.

“You were nowhere near as bad as you think you were,” he assures her.

“Title of your sex tape,” comes her murmured reply. Damian chuckles and runs his fingers through her hair, like she’s his pet cat. It helps.

“So you’re definitely not going for the talent show then?” he asks.

Her first instinct is to say no, because of course she isn’t, because she never has before and she sees no point in breaking a three-year streak, but the answer catches in her throat. At the same time, something begins forming in her brain, pieces of a melody she’s already known, words filling in blank spots in her brain, and her fingers twitch involuntarily, playing the chords on an invisible guitar. Without a word, she grabs a notepad and pen from her bag and scribbles the words down before she forgets them, quickly becoming breathless just by sitting there. She forgets, for a moment, everything else, the talent show, Cady, even Damian next to her, and just revels in the task and the quick buzz she gets just from writing. Just like that she has one eye on the clock, itching to get home and put her notes into the rest of the song.

But with those notes came an idea, an idea so completely out of left field she almost laughs at it.

“Janis?” Damian asks, just slightly unnerved by her. If anyone else were at this table, even Cady (especially Cady), she would have had to excuse herself and run to the bathroom, or just hope the words stayed in her head long enough for her to get a quiet moment. “Did the Goddess of Music just possess you again?”

“Maybe,” is her response. He doesn’t know it, but she answered both the questions he asked in the past minute.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She sits on her bed that night, her homework half-done and strewn across the desk, abandoned in favour of the guitar sitting in her lap and notebook open on her bed. She’s been working on his song for the better part of a week, inspiration and motivation seemingly striking and then fading whenever she gets a free moment. Abandoning it has crossed her mind-she’s no stranger to abandoning things that aren’t working-but for some reason she hasn’t quite been able to shake this particular song off.

Maybe it is Euterpe, the Goddess of Music, descending upon her because this song has to be finished, it has to be, Olympus willing it so.

Or maybe it’s because this song is one of the most personal things she’s ever written, a love letter she’ll never send, and the idea of it sitting unfinished drives her crazy.

She plays another chord and sings the line again, changing the ending slightly, and makes the adjustment in her notes.

She’s crazy. This is already crazy, her secret double life as a wannabe T-Swift, but now she’s gone beyond that. Thinking of actually playing it. On a stage. In front of people. She doesn’t care what people think of her, she stopped caring about that a long, long time ago, but holy shit what will people think of her after she does this? Life isn’t like the movies, she knows that much. It won’t be some pretty, softly-lit moment where the crowd sits with teary eyes, Cady runs onstage and kisses her and she’s offered a deal by some big shot producer, and they all live happily ever after the end. What could happen is people think she’s even more of a weirdo than they do now.

Or she gets tomatoes thrown at her head and she’s booed off the stage. That’s a possibility.

She calls Damian, because that’s the only way she sees out of her little thought cul-de-sac. She puts the phone on speaker and props it up against a pillow, keeping her hands free for her guitar and her pen. He picks up on the third ring, just as she’s strumming out a G chord.

“Oh, is someone prepping for her Grammy?” he asks. “You’re still taking me as your date, right?”

“Only if my dog can’t go,” she replies. She taps her nails against the wood, the rhythm too fast and frantic to just be a habit. Yes, she can tell Damian anything, and being nervous in front of him is laughable, but sometimes her body forgets that. “So, I was thinking about the talent show.”

“Oh? You’re going for stage crew again? Cool.”

“No-not exactly.” She knows he can’t see the smile creeping across her face, but she’d wager he can hear it through the phone. A small swarm of butterflies flutters in her chest, leaving her just slightly out of breath. “I… I. think I’m going to try performing in it.”

A burst of laughter comes through the phone, slightly tinged with static, and Janis wishes he were here so she could slap him. Even if it’s not malicious in intent at all, and she’s laughing right along with him. Slapping is kind of a love language for them.

“Okay, okay cool. What’re you going to do?”

“I’ll give you a hint,” she says, and then she plays the opening chords to her latest experiment. She doesn’t add in the lyrics, not yet. Still, she sits back and basks in his applause when she finishes, cackling into her hand. He might be one person, but he’s got enough enthusiasm to match a packed auditorium. “What do you think?”

“I’m into it,” he tells her. “So… that’s the one you’re doing?”

“Think so.” She tosses the pick between her fingers. Like he could feel her smile, she can feel his raised eyebrow through the phone, the elephant in the room poking her with its trunk. “Yes, I know.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You thought it,” she tells him, and he doesn’t deny it. She looks back over the lyrics she’s written and re-written. Despite some adjustments, it’s still in essence the same. Still about a girl with pretty hair who smells like vanilla and cinnamon, who has a boyfriend and is unknowingly breaking the heart of a girl with black eyeliner and paint stained fingers. Because her boyfriend is pretty and clean and smells like soap and can do math, and how is the poor art girl even meant to compare to that?

“Yes,” she says after a while. “It is about Cady.”

“Aw, my poor lovestruck songstress,” he sighs. He shifts then, and the air shifts with him. “You sure that’s the one you want to sing? I mean you have dozens of other non-Cady related songs. I’m sure Mr Duvall would love to hear Angry Teenage Lesbian Anthem.”

“First off, I gave that one a title, it’s called Shattered,” she reminds him. “And-” She freezes, the rest of her sentence catching in her throat. He’s right. She could perform one of her other songs, that are already finished and therefore removing the pressure to have this one finished, polished and stage-ready. And of course, it would mean she wouldn’t be standing in front of her entire grade and telling them all how badly she’s in love with her best friend. Showing her deepest secret to the people who have already driven her out of school once. It’s a far safer, potentially less traumatic option for her.

But…

“No,” she says. “I know it sounds crazy but I feel like… I feel like I need to do this.” She swallows thickly and picks softly at the guitar strings. “It’s like… like this way at least I’m telling her, you know? Even if she doesn’t know it.”

Of course, Damian gets it.

“That’s beautiful, babe,” he tells her. “So you’re actually doing this?”

“I’m actually doing this,” she replies firmly. “And tomorrow, I need you to make sure I don’t chicken out before I sign up.”

“Got it. I’ll just order you to do it as Senior Co-Chair of the Student Activities Committee.”

“That’s an abuse of power.”

“Then consider yourself abused baby.” He laughs and she laughs with him, and then she hears something on Damian’s end. “I have to go. A certain little sister of mine has a princess costume that needs attending to. See you later.”

“See you later,” she replies before he clicks off the call. She looks down at her paper, then at her guitar, and thinks about what she just committed to. “I’ve got some work to do.”

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The song goes through four rewrites in the weeks leading up to the talent show. The whole first verse is changed, the chorus scrapped and replaced with a new one, then that one is scrapped and she goes back to the old one. She sits hunched on her floor with a pencil in her mouth, wondering if what she’s written is too personal or not personal enough. If it’s too obvious that Cady, smart cookie that she is, will work it out and that’ll lead them down a new, scary path. She cuts some lyrics that give the game away, opting to replace one about love for numbers with love for learning, because that opens up the pool to half their grade. She writes about Cady’s blue eyes rather than specifically those double dimples that make her melt. Maybe she’s compromising her artistic vision, but it might be worth it if it’ll keep her crush a secret. She keeps the old lyrics tucked in the back of her notebook, just to have them.

Meanwhile, she’s also dealing with the fact that people know she has signed up for the talent show. That Miss Too Cool For School Loner Art Freak Janis is actually performing at a school event. And she doesn’t even get extra credit for it. They’re surprised, and curious, and none more so than Cady. The other girl appears at her side almost instantly after first period, skinny little arms wrapped around her bicep and blue eyes alight.

Oh, the things those eyes do to her.

“Janis!” she squeaks. “I saw-on the sign up sheet-your name! Oh my God, is this a joke? Did Damian put you up to it?”

“No, no, I signed up of my own accord,” Janis tells her. That only makes Cady bounce more, ponytail bobbing up and down.

“Oh wow, that’s amazing!” she says. She stops then, her mouth freezing in its place and her cheeks turning pink. Slowly, she comes down to Earth, like a balloon that had the air let out of it. Janis can almost hear the wheeze. “I mean um, it’s pretty cool, I guess.”

“It’s pretty grool,” Janis replies, and just like that Cady bounces back up again.

“Oh my gosh, what are you going to do?” she asks. “Or do you want it to be a surprise?”

“You think I have some secret knife-throwing talent?” she grins. She hesitates for a moment, looking down at Cady’s excited face, because even if this isn’t telling her… it’s telling her. “I’m… I’m going to sing.” She pulls on the strap of her backpack and avoids Cady’s eyes. “Something I wrote.”

“Okay,” Cady says. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

“Hey!” she laughs. “I can write stuff. I can be deep.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about it,” Cady says, bumping her arm against Janis’. “But for real, Janis, I can’t wait to see it. I know you’ll be amazing.”

Warmth spreads across her pale cheeks, a pink blush no doubt colouring her face, and she somehow manages to choke out a “thanks” as her brain turns to static. Her only thought is ‘Cady thinks I’m going to be good’, and it’s written in glitter pen across her brain.

“This is going to be great,” she goes on. “Oh, wait until I tell Aaron. He’s got a break in his schedule that week so he’s coming up to see the talent show! Isn’t that great?”

And just like that, Janis’ good mood falls. Her face stays the same, because she’s trained to do it, but everything behind it crumbles.

“Yeah, that’s great,” she replies. Cady squeezes her hand, oblivious, and drags her along the hallway, chatting away about some lion documentary she had watched last night.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She finishes the song that night. She arrives home with a heavy chest, so full of complicated, messy feelings, and her conversation with Cady still so fresh in her mind, her ears still ringing from the emotional whiplash. Her parents barely get a ‘hello’ as she enters and bolts up to her room, her hands shaking, the thoughts swirling around her brain desperate to be let out.

And let them out she does. She writes so quickly they look more like smudges than words, her fingers flying over rapidly changing chords, her voice broken and panting as she sings. The words almost write themselves, like the song has taken on a life of its own and she’s just along for the ride. She barely remembers to pause, to breathe, so wrapped up in the storm she’s created with just her guitar and pen.

It’s only when she finishes and falls back on her bed that she notices the tears in her eyes. She blinks them away and pulls herself up, her notebook in her hand. It’s done. The perfect blend of her own honest feelings and just enough smokescreen to keep people from knowing who it’s really about.

There’s no backing out now, she thinks. Her stomach drops, like she’s on the top of a roller coaster about to go down. A laugh bubbles up in her throat and leaves her breathless, her head spinning while she’s still laying there.

If holy shit were am adjective, she'd use it to describe how she feels. Because holy shit.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being backstage when she’s not on crew is a strange experience. She stands with her guitar slung around her body, in the middle of a current of students moving around her, half with the clunky microphones and walkie-talkies she’s used so many times before. She asks five of them if she can do anything to help-because they’re her people and she needs to do something to occupy her time-until she finally takes the hint and leaves them to it. Stagehands are the most efficient parts of any production, as she told Damian once. They’re a well-oiled machine at this point.

“Yo!” For a second, Janis thinks she imagined the whisper, just one in a jumble of backstage noises, until Damian appears at her side. A tiny ‘shit’ escapes her mouth, her body jerking. Barely anyone bats an eye at her, except him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to spook you.”

“Don’t worry. I think at this point a small breeze could knock into me and I’d crumble.”

“The great Janis Sarkisian gets nervous?” he asks, eyebrow raised.

“Only when she’s doing something incredibly personal and scary in front of her entire grade,” she whispers back. She swallows past the lump in her throat. “Aside from that I’m a beacon of confidence and unshakable will.”

“Hey.” He taps his knuckles against hers. “Remember how scared you were at Norbury’s assembly?”

“You mean after I had my picture all over the school with the d-slur written underneath it?” she mutters. “Yeah, I was shitting myself.”

“And yet, look what you did there,” he reminds her. “You were amazing. And you’re going to be amazing here too. Once you get on that stage, all those butterflies are going to make you fly, kid.”

She smiles, her heart warm, and pressed her face into the crook of Damian’s neck.

She doesn’t know how she got so lucky to have him, but she knows better than to tempt fate.

“Janis Sarkisian?” She lifts her head to find a freshman girl with a headset around her neck looking at her. “You’re up next.”

“Okay.” It’s only now she becomes aware that the last minute of Fairytale Of New York is playing, the notes will soon fade out, and that’s her cue. She turns to Damian and lets him straighten her black cardigan and fiddle with the collar of her shirt. “Wish me luck.”

“You don’t need it.” He drops a whisper of a kiss to her nose. “But good luck.”

She holds her half-heart necklace as he goes, the twin to the one around his neck. It’s as close as she can get to having him with her. Her chest tightens as she makes her way to the stage and she tries to breathe through it, because the next thign she knows, Mr Duvall is announcing her name, and she’s being greeted by a blinding spotlight that thankfully obscures most of her peers’ faces.

“Uh, hi,” she says into the microphone placed out for her. It’s just people , she reminds herself. Somewhere in that crowd, second row, seat 14, is Damian, and she breathes easier. And next to him is Cady, the girl this song is about, and for some reason that straightens her spine and irons out the shaking in her voice. She takes the pick out of its holder and tosses her hair back. “This is a song I wrote about being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.” She blinks and hopes no-one sees the tears in her eyes. “So sing along if you get into it, because we all know it’s a shitty ass feeling.”

She plays the first chord, and then any and all doubts she had about this flee her. As cliche as it sounds, the song takes over her, and she blows through the nerves in the first verse. The experience becomes cathartic instead, like releasing a pressure valve on her soul. Even with the little diversions she threw in, she hasn’t felt this open and god damn free since last year, paraded on her peers’ shoulders with both middle fingers up. Except now she’s not flipping anyone off, or proving a point, she’s just finally telling someone how she feels, and holy shit, it’s amazing. Whatever the aftermath of this is, she won’t care, it’s worth it just for this feeling.

As she sings the last word, and that final note rings in the auditorium, her hands are shaking, her cheeks wet with tears and her hair sticky with sweat. She touches beneath her eye and her fingers come away stained black.  She hasn’t cried in front of people since middle school. She doesn’t care.

The cheers of her classmates ring in her ears, Damian’s whooping the loudest of all, and as she takes her bow, she hopes she’ll remember this moment for a long time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh my God!” she’s barely into the auditorium when Cady launches herself at her, arms wrapped around her neck and legs circling her waist. Janis nearly topples over, digging her back leg into the ground just in time, and hugs Cady with the same ferocity. “You were amazing!” she yells into her shoulder, the sound muffled by Janis’ hair.

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” She sets Cady down, but the other girl keeps a tight grip on both her arms. Janis wonders if it’s to keep herself from flying away, given the amount of bouncing up and down she’s doing. “I can’t believe you wrote that! It was so good! You need to record it, Jan. Do you have any other songs?”

“Just a few,” she says. “And I don’t know if I’m in the business of making an album any time soon.” She swings her guitar case a little. “This might have been a one-time thing.”

“Well, even if it was, it was awesome,” she says.

“Thank you, Caddy,” Janis replies. “That means a lot.”

Her mouth runs dry as Cady smiles, all baby pink lipgloss and sparkling eyes and full cheeks. If this were a movie, she thinks, this would be the part where they kiss. No need for talking, or an explanation. Because Cady would have just known. The music would turn soft and twinkly, and the lighting would match it and it would look like they’re in a dream and they’d just kiss, and it will fix all of Janis’ problems. Maybe a single tear will run down her cheek. And then they’ll run off into their new lives as the end credits roll.

How sweet that would be.

But her life isn’t a movie. If she wants anything, she has to go for it herself.

And that includes-

“Caddy.” Her name is delicate on her lips, handled with care. Cady looks at her, giving a simple ‘mm-hm’ in response, and Janis’ heart beats out of control. “That song I just sang, it-”

“Hey, guys.”

Also if this was a movie, Cady’s sweet, lovely, nice boyfriend would not be barging in right now. He’d either be a douchebag who she doesn’t feel bad about hurting, or he’d be nonexistent.

Unfortunately, this is not a movie, and Aaron Samuels exists and is the human equivalent of a squishmallow.

“Hey Aaron.” He slings his arm around Cady’s shoulders, and she leans into his touch almost instinctively. “Janis, you were great up there. I didn’t know you wrote songs.”

“It’s a bit of a new hobby,” she says, her voice hoarse. She clears her throat, and finds a bottle of water being handed to-thrown at-her.

“Hydrate those chords,” is Damian’s greeting.

“This is what I get for being friends with a theatre kid,” she sighs before she takes a drink. She hadn’t realised how dry her throat was until now.

“Okay, so we’re all going for pancakes,” Aaron says. “I take it you two are coming?”

“How can I say no to pancakes?” Janis asks. “Uh, you guys go ahead, I have to get my stuff from the green room.”

“Okay, we’ll wait for you,” Cady says. “Aaron brought his car so he can drive us.”

“Grool.” Cady and Aaron turn around together, Aaron spinning his eyes around his finger and Cady lacing her fingers through his, talking about something she can’t hear. It’s like watching them through a sheet of glass.

Not a movie. Not unless it’s one of those really, really sad movies. Sad homophobic movies.

“You okay?” Damian asks. She snorts at the question. Nothing has changed, so of course she’s okay. But then, nothing has changed, so she’s not really okay.

“I did it,” she sighs. “It’s out there. I told her, unofficially. Whether or not she works it out…” She runs her hand through her tangled hair. “That’s something else entirely.” Damian hums in agreement, a sympathetic look on his face that soon morphs into a grin.

“Hey,” he says. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Mom.” They snort, Janis caught between a laugh and a sob, and squeezes Damian’s hand. She’s not optimistic about any romance in her future, at least where Cady is concerned. She and Aaron are still rock-solid and she’s happy for them, whenever she isn’t angsting about it. It’s a weird combination to have.

And at least she’s done this now. Despite a future for her and Cady not being in the cards for now, she’s glad she did it. The secret isn’t out, not entirely. Just written on the walls in invisible ink.

“Come on,” she tells Damian. “I actually do have to get my bag, and you can use this as an opportunity to double check the ghost light is on.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cady and Aaron keep their promise and wait for them, waving off their apologies as they jog across the parking lot. Cady lets Damian take the front seat with Aaron and slides into the back with Janis instead. Janis frowns, confused as to why she isn’t taking her normal seat up front, and Cady rolls her eyes.

“There was a draw on the way here, and we lost,” she explains. “And now Damian has control of the aux chord,” She gestures with her head to the passenger seat, and Janis turns just in time to see him open his Spotify and scroll through his playlists. As the opening notes to Waving Through A Window fill the car, it’s met with three loud groans. Damian only turns it up louder, and adds in his own backing vocals.

“So, that song you sang,” Cady asks, leaning back in the seat. “Was it about anyone in particular?”

Janis looks down, her hands pressed together in her lap. If this is the moment the universe decided to give her, it’s a really terrible moment. Not only is Cady’s whole boyfriend sitting an arm’s length away from her, but she left her nerve back in the auditorium. Clearly, her and fate aren’t on each other’s wavelength.

“You wouldn’t know her,” she says. “She doesn't even go here.”

“Oh,” Cady replies. Her face falls, but she’s not too put out by it. Why would she be? She nudges Janis’ shoulder, a proud smile on her face, and squeezes Janis’ hand. “Well, if she has someone like you into her and she hasn’t taken the chance yet, then she doesn’t know what she’s missing.”

Janis only thanks her, and quickly changes the subject.

Someday she might tell her for real, but for now she'll stick to the songs.

[the1918]

2020 for the1918

Am I the last person to make this list? Maybe. Do I regret that? Yes. Am I making it anyways because my cognitive behavioral therapy is teaching me fix my avoidance issues? Also Yes.

Let’s do this: @The Trees In Front of Cevans’s House and @Bucky’s Arm... you da real MVPs.

But other than them...

Thank You to Everyone that Truly Made My 2020:

@cantabile-l  Jo (Daddy Dumpster™ Co-Founder) — I have to list you first. How could I not? Every friendship I’ve made in this fandom comes back to you. We literally bonded over porn lookalikes and started this craziness called the Stucky Porn Lookalikes Archive ( @stucky-lookalikes-archive ) to preserve the porn, and it now has now has 85k hits and 500 bookmarks (!!!?!!). But it’s more than that, even more than starting the Daddy Dumpster™ and bonding over culihos. Bespoke got finished because you got me excited enough to want it, just like half a dozen other fics. You were also the basis for many, many other friendships that I list below. Your nesting head canons were the inspiration for so, so many A/B/O moments in my fics. We’re so on the same length on an intellectual and spiritual level (I feel like you and me and @ixalit are three parts of one whole ❤) and I am in love with you for it. Culihos forever.

@hanitrash​ Hani (O.G. Dumpster™ Citizen) —I’m so, so damn glad you’re in my life. We share that sick sense of humor and refusal to adopt a filter. You add flavor to our Dumpster™ with your wit, and I feel so warm when you share pics and updates about the family with us. You were the first person I ran to when I “discovered” HTP and you held my hand 😂 And Jesus—your talent. I could go on and on and on about Through The Darkness I Heard Your Voice and Private Showing, but also one of my New Year’s resolutions is to start reading your work as Loralynne Summers. Thank you for making me smile every day of last year since April.

@trekchik Jini (O.G. Dumpster™ Citizen) — I can’t speak to the number of laugh-out-loud, belly-grabbing, cackling moments I have had in a year that could easily have been shit otherwise, all because of you. I feel like you’ve truly become a member of my family; like, I see you posting in the Dumpster™ when I wake up in the morning and I think to myself, “Oh, what’s the fam up to today?”. I know I’ve gone on and on about your talent (absolute queen of dialogue and pacing) before, but I don’t thank you enough for keeping the Porn Archive alive when the rest of us are slacking. Your Stucky Tumblr Drabbles (especially the meet cutes) puts a smile on half the fandom’s face regulary, and I’m excited to re-read the wonderful Anagnorsis & Peripeteia soon. Here’s to another year of weird dildo pictures.

@thegodswife Amanda (Dumpster™ Citizen) — I feel like we were literally destined to become friends. The love I feel for you and your little family is real and immense, and I feel like your victories (in life and in writing) are my victories. You have made a slow but steady convert of me to Shrinkyclinks with fics like peaches and because it's christmas, and I am in awe of your talent for writing charged dynamics with jaw-dropping moments. This fandom is lucky to have such a gem as you. 2021 is going to be the Year of Amanda (*clinks Lindeman’s Framboise glasses 🥂*)

@ixalit Max (Dumpster™ Citizen) — My relationship with you has and continues to be lifechanging for more reasons than I can even go into on tumblr. You make me laugh. You make me cry (usually in good ways). You make me horny by supplying the #porn-and-fun as the dutiful resident horny teenage boy of Dumpster™. I remember so clearly when we first messaged talking about your Evanstan thoughts and fics, and I knew your writing was special then (omg, Hiraeth?? How dare). You deserve all the success you earned in 2020 and every bit more success that you will continue to have this year. There is no one else I would rather have with me as we make this ~journey through Song of the Rolling Earth together. 

@becassine Bex (Dumpster™ Citizen) — What can I say about my lucky charm? 🍀 I found our friendship later in the year and I feel it was truly central to the way I finished out my year with a bang (lol). Your encouragement to finish Bespoke supercharged me, and I’m still riding that high in writing SoRE. But for every bit we talk about you being the Queen of Hype (Becassine, First of Her Name), I am also stunned by your own gorgeous writing. The Way I Feel For You is a gift to this fandom and it’s gonna keep rocking our world, along with any other creative endeavor you choose to embark on. Thank you for the treasure of your continued friendship.

@darter-blue​ Bec (Dumpster™ Citizen) — My gorgeous, gorgeous cunt of a friend. What ever am I going to do with you? I feel like you and I have clicked so perfectly and so instantly, and I feel such a strong connection to you. I have been enamored with your skill and your style since I first stumbled across your Sergeant Barnes and Colonel Rogers: A Love Story series and then rapidly gobbled up your other writing. Getting to collab with you on No Vacancies was a dream come true. You make me feel so connected to the outside world and humanity even in this bizarre time and even though you’re on the other side of the world.

@kalee60 Kel (Dumpster™ Citizen) — You flawless sass-master. You brilliant human. You tricky little bastard. What a perfect addition to the Dumpster™ you have been! And your talent, Jesus... just being around you makes me want to write. I have truly never seen someone with as much talent write so prolifically, and I am in very real awe of it. If I had to pick “Fic of the Year” for me, I would not hesitate to pick Push The Button—it turned my world upside down—but for as much as we talk about that epic, your AU Extravaganza is really miracle to behold. And I am so, so pumped for you during this exciting time coming up in your life. Here’s to magnificent year for you in 2021!

@andysmountains​ Andy Gator Lord 🐊 — You’ve changed my life. I’m sitting here and I honestly don’t know how else to put it. You’re hilarious and you’re a ball of sunshine and you have kept this breeder feeling rooted to reality (in a great way) and remembering how to smile during some of the shittiest times I can remember. Newts. You’ve helped me explore my identity, and I’m not sure what greater gift you could have given me. Also, I’ve never heard true love whispered more sincerely than when I see 🔪—and I would give you nine hundred and ninety-seven 🔪 now if not for the fact that you have literally beat me to it.  

@ceratonia-siliqua Cera — We’ve shared so much. I feel so privileged that you’ve picked me to be a person that you want to talk to during hard times because you’re such a special guy, and because you’ve got talent that the world needs to see forever and ever and ever (I continue to blown away by what you did in Sunshine, and none of us are ready for Quilt Fic™) and I hope you never stop writing your whole damn heart out. I truly love you. I do. Thank you for reminding me that there is endless humanity and prose in this world.

@howdoyousleep3​ K — I feel like 2021 couldn’t be starting off better now that you’re in my life again. Last year was largely defined for me by the time I spent with you, and I’ve truly been changed by you and your writing. You are an endless amount of inspiration for me and this whole community; I would bet real money that the number of Daddy Kink converts that owe their new *interest* to finding your Daddy Steve Rogers/Baby Bucky Barnes series numbers in the hundreds (not to mention your other AUs). But fics aside, I had so many smiles and laughter throughout 2020 because of you, and I owe such a big part of my happy heart to you and your presence in my life. You have a huge, caring heart. Cheers to Cevans continuing to be a giant, bro-ish man slut and us never stopping giving him shit for it — and here’s to Trucker Bucky and his bug.

@lullabybeauty Bee — I’m not sure I would still be writing if it weren’t for you. The interest you took in my fics and endless support you’ve provided have turned me into a real-life 🥺🥺🥺 face so many times I can’t count them. But more than the hype you provide, you are an amazing person, and I hope you never stop putting (and ceaselessly keeping) the word out in our community through your blog that Black Lives Matter and black women matter now and forever; it’s far too easy for those of us who are white to let that truth fade from our minds when there’s not something terrible happening in the news, and I’m so thankful for your posts filling up my dash with reminders I need to be a good ally and giving me information to share with others. Thank you for the gift of yourself.

@ywecanthavenicethingsanymore Caroline—You sort of swooped out of nowhere for me and boosted my confidence through the roof. Your comments and your hype and your hilarious tags remind me every day that writers are only half of the fanfiction equation; all we do without supportive friends like you is sit in the corner dreaming of stories we don’t have the confidence or feel-good to put to words. Thank you for your constant support and for being so. damn. cool.

@littlesurfergrl Heather—Oh, Heather. Queen of the A+ tags. Sender of inbox updates about what time you get off of work and why you’re vibrating to read a fic. All-around beautiful person. Your love and support is magic in my veins.

@hoeforthegays Baby J—I am so damn excited for this creative project you’ve taken on; you are so talented. I look forward to our thirst talks all the time. You make me laugh with your screaming and even your advice. Such a source of sunshine in my life.

@capbvckyrogers / @tae-withsuga Cam — You were the first person who ever reblogged a farmer daddy post. You were the first person who ever sent me a prompt. Honestly, you were the first person who ever bonded with me over a character. There zero (0) chance I would have enjoyed fandom (or certainly any kind of creative success) the way that I did in 2020 if not for you. Thank you, endlessly. 

@justice-for-plums​ Kenz — Another “late in the year” friendship find that I am so grateful for. I love our talks! I am so thankful you felt comfortable to reach out and talk about writing. Our workshopping has helped remind me of what works and what doesn’t for me, and I love the creative collaboration on head canons! Excited for more in 2021.

Shrunkyclunks Bitches®, or those not mentioned already above: @dreadlockholiday (co-founder of the Bitches® with @justice-for-plums​ and #1 reason I blushed last year), @oh-i-swear-writes​ @wayward-lives​ @allegedlyann and others I either am missing on tumblr or forgetting (but not because I don’t love you) — Here’s to Cap Steve and modern Bucky and 1,000,000+ words written during our writing sprints in 2021. [Bitches® server membership is open by the way! If you love Shrunkyclunks, contact Dready @dreadlockholiday​].

And to the endless list of others who made me smile, laugh, sometimes cry, feel proud, but always feel that incredible Stucky love — a list that includes but is certainly not limited to @fishcustardandclintbarton,​ @hawkeyeandthewintersoldier, @willbakewithstucky, @hannah-stagram​, @thewaythatwerust​, @bigbraiiin, @musette22, @luninosity​, @fandomfluffandfuck​, @maddiewritesstucky​, @hbalbat, @doctorenterprise​, @epicstuckyficrecs, @k347 and the massive important people I know I am forgetting (...like some BIG ones)

To everyone above and anyone else who has scrolled this far:

Thank you.

Let’s all have a fantastic 2021 🥂