#ADHD brain was actively trying to sabotage this

[dragons-horde]

Text: Pixal Kunzite

Despite Pixal’s multi-color Samurai X look, I decided to go with purple to match her debut, though I incorporated elements from both outfits. Pixal’s gem is located on the back of her neck.

Lore + early designs under the cut

Kunzites are a more recent development when it comes to gems. Finding another space faring species moved a lot of resources to declaring an immediate war. Unfortunately, this meant that by the time the flame of conflict began to die, resources were desperately needed. Kunzite are small, cheap, multipurpose gems meant to quickly scope out new planets.

I couldn’t find any in progress photos, but I originally had Pixal be a pearl. I even had a cool acronym for her. Ultimately, I decided to make her a smaller gem because the time Zane and Pixal spent in the same body made them good candidates for a permafusion and I didn’t want them to be too tall.

[the-wip-project]

SloMo WriNo: Finding the Perfect Time to Write

Imagine your perfect writing setting. It’s peaceful and perfect, and the words flow easily.

But reality intrudes. Those perfect moments are hard to find, and, when you find them it can be too much pressure, so the words won’t come. Other times, when the inspiration is strong, and words are ready to pour out of you, you have no time or space to write. 

It seems impossible to find both the time and inspiration to write at the same time! 

That’s because it is.

To have a consistent long term writing practice, you cannot rely on perfect moments or bursts of inspiration.

I’m going to discuss inspiration in a later post, for now let’s focus on finding the time to write, in less than perfect times and places.

For me, I used to write whenever I could, just squeezing writing time whenever. And I was pretty inconsistent in how much I wrote, and didn’t get much finished.

When I decided I wanted to write a novel I knew I needed to get more organized.

I happen to be something of a morning person, and wake up about half an hour before I actually need to get up. I was in the habit of using that time to lie in bed reading, checking messages, scrolling socials etc. It seemed like a no-brainer to optimize that morning time to write.

However, when I tried, I found that I couldn’t stick with it for more than a couple of days at a time. I was frequently breaking my concentration, and easily distracted. And it felt like a grind. Eventually I realized that I simply did not want to write immediately after waking up. (and my ADHD brain will sabotage any attempt to force myself.) See, even though I’m a morning person, it doesn’t mean that I’m ready to do heavy mental lifting when I first awake. Time for quiet, more passive activities are an important part of me transitioning from sleep to full wakefulness.

But wait! Here I am at 6:30 am writing this! Happily! On a Sunday no less! Because I figured out a work around. Another look at my schedule showed me that I had another block of seemingly unused time. The later evenings after my kids are in bed. I’d dismissed that time period because I’m generally too brain tired to do anything productive. The solution was to use that time for sleeping (boring I know) enabling me to wake earlier, keep my gradual wake up routine, and still have time to write.

Strangely enough, knowing that I’m going to write in the morning is incentivising for me, and I find that I simply don’t want to stay up as late anymore. Because I have a fun reason (yes, writing is fun!) to go to sleep.

Now this little story might be helpful for you if you’d like to write first thing in the morning. If the idea feels like torture, then perhaps not.

But the idea is, assess your daily time, and cut something that isn’t refreshing or valuable. And possibly jiggle your schedule around so that you can open up a block of writing time at a time that is good for you.

For me that was the mindless doom scrolling or binge watching that I tend to indulge in after 10pm.

Some times that might work for you (besides the obvious first thing in the morning or last thing before bed): Commute time, Arriving at work or school or other daily appointments early, lunch or other break times in your day, time while you’re waiting. Remember, you’re not looking for massive blocks of time. Fifteen minutes will do. Thirty minutes would be amazing.

So examine your schedule and see where you can block out a regular time to write.

Once you’ve found a few options, try them out. Do you feel good, or harried? Tired or refreshed? If it doesn’t feel right, is there another task you can swap into the time slot to open up a different spot in your schedule? 

Which leads us to the question: does this mean I need to write every single day?

Absolutely not. Take rest days when you need them. Either a scheduled day or two each week, or just a floating flex day taken when needed.

Focus on establishing a habit of writing for at least fifteen minutes 5-6 days a week. (And don’t worry about word counts too much while you’re figuring this out.)

Once you create a habit, the words will come!

— Maree

SloMo Wrino Introduction

Setting Word Count Goals

the WIP Project discord

[rianafying]

i’m on tumblr again about to journal so hard. anyway, i’ve been extremely busy and overwhelmed lately, with school and work. some would say i’m doing better than ever but i would say i am living in an internal prison hell of my own creation and my therapist would say i have a fear of success. she did actually say that. and after reading a couple of articles it makes a lot of sense. i have a huge problem. imposter syndrome and always downplaying my achievements god knows why. well god didn’t tell me but i found out why. it’s scary, being in the spotlight especially after experiencing so much bullying throughout my life. now i’m not scared of the direct bullying but i find myself actively sabotaging my own life. for example: i’m doing this podcast and so i’m researching relevant topics. after i learn about the topics, i feel worthless and like why would i make this podcast, if i know this information surely it’s either useless or wrong or everyone already knows better. i’m scared of putting my hand up and lately i’ve somehow developed crippling social anxiety, which is completely undetectable to the people around me. turns out i’m an introvert. i mean i kinda knew it but it’s been very relevant to finding the perspective that is keeping me alive recently. i’m doing great and somehow i hate it. i want to rip my skin and hair out and it makes no sense. i need to get on some sort of adhd medication at some point in life because raw dogging it is proving to be too exhausting for this poor brain. my assignments have been going kind of really well and yet i feel like i’m flopping harder than ever. no matter what i achieve it feels like the bare minimum and nothing i could do would actually make me happy. what is this hell i have placed myself in. at least i’m not screwing up. but i’m always this close to screwing up. the best i do is not screw up. somebody literally offered me extra money for my work because they liked it so much and i’m here still wondering if i let everyone down. aaaaaaaaaaagahsgshsjskkdjjdks. talking about my fear of success sounds an awful lot like i’m bragging, but i’m done with this part of today’s journal entry so let’s move onto other things that are bothering me.

my cousin and my little sister are both going through hell with their uni applications and as big sister ™️ it is often my responsibility to help them out and i love them so much and i’m so so glad that they value my input so much that they come to me with their problems and have me check their essays and applications. and i love helping people especially the people i love so much but sometimes i really just can’t find the time and i forget to get back to them and it makes me feel awful!!!! but i try my best, they know i try my best and they love me so it’s okay.

number three is that im fucking broke, i do fun work and fun work in the fashion industry pays very little. im often doing very cool projects with student designers or little emerging brands and underground artists and obviously they can’t pay the way big corporations do and im so grateful for whatever they give me and for the opportunity to work with them, but at some point im gonna need to find a steady job. i’ve been talking about this for exactly a year and a half now. a lot of problems in my life will be automatically resolved as soon as i get a job. this summer inshallah.

there’s always so many little things to remember and i do my best to keep track of them by putting them in my calendar and my master to do list and my notebook and anywhere and everywhere literally plastered all over everything. it’s kind of overwhelming but the top things im worries about rn are my business presentation, my collab, my interview, the photoshoot for the social media marketing campaign, the blog posts, the exam, to return some stuff i borrowed from designers and the hair makeup gig. all of this needs to happen before the 12th of december, after which i am fully dedicated to finding and doing fully paid steady work in retail or hospitality.

oh i’m also worried about not sending back the pictures i took for my photoshoot, because i’m not happy with the quality of my work. hahah crippling imposter syndrome and self hatred check!!

and my relatives are visiting me this week in my tiny studio apartment that’s messy (as always) (actually not as always, it’s much cleaner than ever before i’m actually getting better at this). there’s just a few too many things on my mind.

it’s gonna be okay though. things are going well, despite how i feel, despite all the fears i have, despite all the complaining, the reality is that i’m killing it. and i’m gonna listen to my therapist and try to have a goo

[onerebuplic]

I feel like a small part of the reason I get stuck in my head and keep analyzing myself and obsessively trying to diagnose my problems is because it’s my attempt to reparent myself and find a miracle fix for my brain and livelihood.

I wasn’t taught a good way to organize myself as a person with ADHD, I wasn’t taught a good way to take care of my brain and emotions and C-PTSD, so I basically have to start from scratch when understanding myself or the way I work.

It’s my attempt to build self awareness while also being blind as the self. It’s my attempt to take responsibility for myself as an adult, but it becomes a procrastination technique and simultaneously self sabotage.

I spend a lot of time and energy in the mindset that there’s something deeply wrong or broken about me, and it keeps me frozen in place (and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for my low self esteem)

It’s almost like OCD in that I have an obsession with diagnosing myself, or organizing myself, or thinking of magic solutions, and a compulsion to keep writing out thoughts about my very human emotions instead of finding healthy, physical, active, constructive outlets for them

[thebaconsandwichofregret]

Things I might do instead of getting an actual confirmed ADD diagnosis:

- write a book on how to cope with having ADD as an adult (and also an adult woman)

- literally anything else

[bo0zey]

my friend who doesn’t have adhd and just wants an adderall perscription: i definitely have adhd like i never pay attention and i’m such a procrastinator omg lol btw i’m at the library studying and doing homework that’s not due until 3 days ugh what are you doing have you started studying yet we have those worksheets due tomorrow remember and it’s already 6pm! omg what do u mean u haven’t started the paper yet it’s literally due in 3 hrs omg no it’s ok i’ll just send u mine bc i’ve been working on it all day haha and omg i’m trying to pay attention to the lecture can u stop talking to me why r u reading online manga in class the exam is in 2 days pay attention! also i need caffeine to stay awake i love monster energy drinks they work so well i won’t be able to sleep tonight oh no also i took adderall 3hrs ago and now i’m super anxious but it’s not the adderall lol ugh i won’t be able to sleep tonjght ughh

me, someone who actually has adhd, pre-diagnosis: studying is so hard and i don’t want to do it and i literally can’t until hours before the exam and by then i’m so exhausted bc it’s like 3am but if i drink coffee or monster or bang i just get sleepier also i procrastinate entire research papers including the research hours before the due date even tho i knew abt the paper for a month and i wrote it in my assignment notebook every day knowing i needed to do it and i drink coffee before bed bc it relaxes me n makes me sleepy im constantly moving and shifting in my seat in class and i got paid 4 hrs ago and bought $500 worth of amazon products and now i don’t have any money for groceries for the next 2 weeks my thoughts go so fast and they’re so loud i can’t follow a conversation let alone a class lecture paying attention to anything i don’t care abt but am supposed to is impossible if i don’t write everything i need to do down i will forget about it and if i put my keys or vape or anything somewhere besides it’s designated spot for 1 minute i will literally forget where it is and if something isn’t directly in my line of sight i will forget i have it so i have to place everything in my line of sight for me to remember to use it and ok i’m at work i have a 14hr shift and a set of tasks i need to complete omg i’m so overwhelmed and frazzled i write down the list of tasks every shift and check off boxes to remember to do things but even then i still fall behind and why am i overwhelmed i know what i have to do please don’t ask me to do that thing i’m already trying to remember to do one thing ahhh ok i’m so exhausted it’s 12am and everyone’s asleep i have 3hrs left of my shift omg i’m so bored and tired ok i will have coffee and an energy drink to wake up bc i don’t wanna fall asleep here and i have an hour drive back home and oh wow i am now driving on the way and dozing off i am so sleepy sleepy sleepy why can’t i stay i awake i had 300mg of caffeine like 2hrs ago i’m going to crash the car why isn’t this energy drink working and hmm ok it’s now monday night i have school tmrw it’s 11pm i guess i’ll try n sleep i have class at 9am oh wait what is this sudden wakefulness i feel i am very awake i think i will maybe try to do homework to get tired actually no i think i will go on the internet instead hmm look at those cool show i think i will watch it ugh ok that was the longest 30min of my life i will not be able to watch another episode for at least 2 days probably oh it’s 3am i need to sleep but i can’t shut my brain off ugh oh no this sucks i hate myself why can’t i just get my shit together i know what i have to do but i just can’t fucking do it it’s so frustrating i’m trying so hard but i keep self sabotaging why why why

me, after being diagnosed w adhd and starting medication: wow for the first time in 8 years i’m actually paying attention in class and actively following what my professor is saying. i think i will do some homework now so i am not overwhelmed later. uh oh my dishes are starting to stack up i think i will clean them instead of starting a new pile. hmm my room is getting a little messy i think i will put things away including the clean clothes on that chair i’d been avoiding putting away for a week. i am following our conversation and i will wait until you are finished until it is my turn to speak instead of blurting out or interrupting you. oh i just got paid! hmm do i really need all of that online shopping stuff..? i think i will wait for a little bit and come back to it if i rlly want it bc what if something happens during the week and i need money to pay for it? oh i have to go to work it’s a 14hr shift; i am able to complete the tasks i need to do with ease bc i know what to do and when to do them and am no longer overwhelmed. i don’t need to drink that energy drink bc i know it will just make me more sleepy and i’ll doze off at the wheel on the highway and i don’t want that! ok i’m home yawn i think i will try n go to sleep it’s 11pm and i am genuinely tired.

[leighlew3]

Hi Leigh, I would love to learn more of your writing process. How do you structure your day? Do you have a goal amount of work you set?

My best work is usually in the first part of the day.

I try to have a healthy breakfast with some tea to wake me up, then dive into writing in the mornings, starting between say 9 or 10am and I often go until around 2pm. Other times, when I'm in a huge flow, I've literally written for 12+ hours, barely stopping just to eat. I wouldn't recommend that, but if it hits, I find I can't stop myself or I miss out. And sometimes I'll get a second wind and write again in the evening or at night -- or if nothing comes in the morning, it'll be my first wind. 😂

I prefer to be pretty isolated, with applicable music (playlists curated specifically to set a mood for the vibe of the project) or silence.

As for setting daily page or hours goals, I don't really do that to myself. Some people like to, but I don't find that helps me, personally. Because some days I can stare at the blank screen or walk around or clean or go run errands or something while thinking, or sit here and do a ton of research for hours, but ultimately only wind up writing half a page or a couple lines or even just making a couple notes. Or sometimes nothing comes at all, and that has to be okay. Because the alternative is beating yourself up, which then hinders creative flow further, and that's of no help. I think sometimes this is one of the hardest parts of being a writer. When I'm not actively working on SOMETHING, I feel lost and unfulfilled. But when it won't flow, it's frustrating. So that's tough, but it's just a part of it you have to learn to live with and not dwell too much on.

I'm a very "go with the flow" person overall, with the mild structure of finding I work best at certain times of day and in certain isolated environments. 

I think setting some general structure and goals is totally a great idea -- like trying to write daily and figuring out when and how works best for you for sure, just don't hold yourself to it SO harshly and strictly that you actually wind up stifling or sabotaging yourself.

All that being said, everyone is different. People work and function differently depending on outside influences (other jobs, family, etc) as well as your own personality type, and especially if you're neurodivergent with ADHD, autism, etc or are bipolar, or have other circumstances that can impact how your brain literally functions, and whether strict schedules and structures help you or hinder you. 

[pandor-pandorkful]

Late night feelings I don't know how to articulate??

I remember wanting friends very badly in college and grad school, and when I was pretty young before I went to college I remember getting a lot of adult-ly reassurance that friends would just magically happen in college and it'd be great

But nobody told me I'd be experiencing the whole college shebang on hard mode due to brain stuff I didn't know I had

So like

I kinda made a few friends in college, and they all vanished immediately after we graduated.

Then in grad school my adhd co-morbid chronic anxiety made me into an unrelatable mess that craved company and parties but couldn't stand staying at parties once the noise density got to the point where I stopped being able to comprehend conversations

And I didn't have the confidence to ever say "I'm leaving bye" to anyone ever so I'd just book it at random

My rejection sensitive dysphoria was extra out of control in my final year, I had taken a year off to earn enough bucks to feed myself during the final lap of MFA, but that meant I was a stranger to a whole new group of cartoonists and I just didn't know how to break the ice

During the second semester Sasha V invited me to watch Drag Race with a group of our classmates, and that was the closest I ever felt to becoming friendly with anyone during my entire grad school experience

Of course I still felt way too awkward to initiate many conversations on my own, and we were all losing our collective minds trying to finish our thesis's

But like I said I didn't know how to say goodbye, and when my thesis was rejected (meaning I had a year to rework and resubmit it) my RSD just went nuclear and as soon as the graduation ceremonies and parties were done (or half done) I bounced away as fast as I could, went home to Iowa and fell into a deep ass depression

So I don't know what my point is, that I'm kinda bitter or sad that the adults in my life unwittingly lied to me about the lifelong friendships I'd form in college and grad school? That I had to struggle like hell to graduate both times, due to undiagnosed brain shit? Maybe all of it?

I made a half assed attempt to reconnect with some MFA friendlies on Facebook several years ago, but I was still too burdened by RSD and also came to the realization that I fucking hate Facebook so that went nowhere

Anyway I cherish that I have one single MFA mutual on tumblr, you know who you are and we never talk but you are valid and I appreciate you gosh darn it

But man I wish there was like a merit badge or something for hair brained fools like me who somehow managed to get through higher education with degrees in spite of the undiagnosed mental illnesses that were actively sabotaging us at every fucking turn.

And I guess maybe that's the point that my rambling brain's trying to get to? That I failed at socialization, but damnit I won at skool. I gots them degrees, those papers are hanging on the wall. They cost me too much, financially and emotionally, and they're completely fucking worthless to any job market. But. I. Won. College.

\o/

[innermort]

*** disclaimer: this is a very long diary type of entry that is probably quite boring for everyone else and may be ignored. it's merely a very lenghty epiphany I just had about my life and myself and I had to type it out for me, to lock in the thoughts, if you will. it was pretty therapeutic tho. 🙃 ***

10/Sept/2021

I just had the realization that I'm in the process of redefining every aspect of my self and my life.

I quit smoking cigarettes from one day to another exactly 2 months ago tomorrow and went from a heavy to a casual party smoker.

I rarely ever smoke weed anymore (plus when I did since quitting tabacco, I rolled with herbs) and now made the conscious decision to take another long break, so it doesn't interfere with my weight loss again. I get the worst munchies and have no self control when I'm stoned. I'm talking "5000+ cals in one sitting" type of binges. I'm not tolerating this kind of self sabotage anymore.

I re-discovered edblr. Yes. I know. Not the healthiest habit to get back into but it's the only thing that has actually helped me gain the motivation and willpower to put a stop to my raging sugar addiction and instead, an actual effort into losing weight again. Besides, I'm doing it in a much more careful and "responsible" way now (high restricting, taking supplements, no strict/exact calorie limit, very light to no exercise (okay, to be fair the reason for that is mainly my injured knee but still), letting myself eat/drink more than planned if I feel my body needs it). And let's not forget that I've literally been binging every day for the past 2 or 3 months. My diet nearly exclusively consisted of chocolate, pastries and pizza. Literally. I've gained 10 kgs (22lbs) during that time. That lifestyle was just as unhealthy, if not unhealthier.

I finally got to hang up and use my calender. Due to my ADHD (self diagnosed for now), I'm very forgetful and unorganized - at least in my private life. That's why I made the decision to get a big calender which I can use as a semi To Do/Buy list and appointment/meeting/bill reminder. Since I'm glueing a sticker to each day I got through without binging, I'm looking at it pretty much every day anyways. Plus, it's a motivater to not binge (reward that inner child)! Overall, it's helping me become more organized and put together which are two areas I've been lacking in in the past years. So far, I've been mostly using my phone notes but I usually write something down and immediately forget about it if it's not a grocery list or a To Do list I'm actively working through on that same day.

I have my first appointment at a psych ward since I was a teen. It's just a phone call and first get to know conversation but it's better than nothing and more than overdue. I'm finally taking the first steps towards getting diagnosed and being eligible for therapy. I'm sick of feeling like a victim of my own brain, I just want to be better. I deserve to be better.

I'm hungry for knowledge again. I deleted Tiktok from my phone because of how big of a distraction it was and because I realized that even though I'm being bombarded with new information everyday, I'm not learning anything. Our brains can't even comprehend the amount of information given in that short time span. Nothing sticks. Sure, you find out about some pretty cool stuff on TT depending on what kinda fyp you have but for me personally, it was just hours and hours of mindless scrolling in the end. It's crazy how addictive it is, too. Even despite the fact that I was already at a point where it didn't even give me that quick dopamine quick anymore. It felt boring and repetitive and I was merely doing it out of habit.

So, I got rid off the app. I started watching documentaries again. Mostly about gut health and mental illnesses like ADHD, Autism, BPD, Narcissm etc. Like TED talks or interviews/discussions by and with professionals/experts/diagnosed people. I'm back to not just craving but actually consuming something with substance, something that gives me more knowledge and insight on a topic. Something I actually want to know more about.

I realized and accepted that even though I am a creative mind, a fully creative job might just not be for me. I'm learning that maybe I'm the type of person who does something entirely different in their free time than what they do at work. And that that's very much okay. I noticed that at my job (this was the case for every job I ever had), my mind seems to work differently. When people expect me to do something, I have the needed pressure and motivation to get it done. I could also observe in myself that at work, I enjoy organizing/sorting stuff, I'm a fast and independent learner while I'm also excellent at training new employees, I'm much more detail oriented than in my private life - overall, it came to my attention that I might not actually be the ever chaotic forgetful mess who can't form a logic thought - or I can at least recognize that this is merely a part of me and not what defines and limits me as a person. I realized I actually like straightforward work, I like working alone and I like working precisely. When I was younger I would have never used any of these traits to describe my dream career. I would gag at the idea of working an office job and now I feel like this would actually suit me very well. Especially the working alone part would mean feeling less drained at the end of a work day and still having the energy to hang out with people I actually want to see. This is an extremely valuable lesson about myself that I finally seem to have learned.

After this big sub- and now concious evaluation about myself I'm also finally taking actual steps towards a possible career. I bought a course and worked through the first 2 lectures today, taking notes and writing everything down neatly for 3 - 3 1/2 hours (in total with breaks in between). I even got a notebook specifically for this new life project. I'm excited to learn. I feel scared, too. This is something I've never done before but I'm telling myself that trying won't hurt. I have my main job as a safety net, financially nothing can happen to me. I can only learn, even if I fail. And time will pass anyways, whether I get my ass up and put in the work or continue to be unhappy with what I'm doing without trying to change anything.

Speaking of finances, I also started taking those more seriously now. I stopped using my credit card (I was in negative numbers constantly, big numbers like -300 to -800€ due to constant overspending). I set up standing orders for my monthly fixed costs to make sure bills are always paid on time. Due to my forgetfulness and ADHD freeze I would often forget to pay or postpone paying bills until the reminder came in the mail and led to me having to pay on top or generating debt. I still have a little bit of debt to pay off but it's thankfully not a dramatic amount. I also have a second bank account for savings now where I transfer 200€ to every month. Even the simple act of calculating my fixed costs to see how much I can use for what was something that was desperately overdue. What I still have to do is sort out my receipts and write everything down in a housekeeping/budget book. And my first ever tax return. I am very much dreading both of these. 😃

Anyways. Wow. I really needed to type this out. I have the very harmful tendency to look at all the negative stuff and only focus on what I don't have and don't do. I really needed to take a long, deep look at all the things I've been changing around in the past couple months. A lot of it really passed me by until now. It's crazy but I really feel like a complete failure when my body isn't looking its best and it makes me blind for everything else. So, thank you to myself for reminding me that I am actually making a lot of progress, even if it has been in areas other than my fitness and looks. They're just as important (from a healthy brains point significantly more important, obviously) and deserve to be noticed and celebrated.

Conclusion: ❤️✨YAY, ME✨❤️

[shodansbabygirl]

i love actively noticing my adhd ass trying to sabotage me my brain straight up just went “hey. you feel good enough for chores. you know what else you feel good enough for. Stellaris.” silence fucking traitor attempting to thwart my cleaning

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

I fucking missed the end of the Steam sale. what the fuck. I was sure  I had until at least this afternoon and instead it ended at 9 fucking a.m., and my cart was full of stuff, if I’d realized I could have weeded out a few more things and bought everything in time. I meant to decide everything last night, even, but I was tired and my head was killing me and again, I was completely positive I had like...17 hours. it was supposed to be fine.

and I mean--it’s not even that the Steam sale itself is that big of a deal. chances are very good that all the games I meant to get will be on sale again in the relatively near future, and I wasn’t really planning to play any of them immediately because my backlog is enormous and I’m still focusing on SWTOR, and I actually took several out of my cart last night because I found a better deal with a bundle that’s still going which means I can still buy that. hell, more of these games I meant to buy might even pop up in another bundle soon, which would probably be even cheaper. but--there was a coupon, $5 off $30 to save even more, something Steam doesn’t typically do, and that by itself isn’t a huge thing either because it was only $5, but I just...I can’t believe I missed it. I have been actively working on this for DAYS. I had it written in my planner repeatedly. I didn’t just space out on the whole thing. I knew when it ended, or I thought I did, and I could’ve forced myself to make some quick decisions and finish in like 10 minutes if I’d known I needed to, but I didn’t, because I didn’t think to check.

it’s just that I fucked up, yet again, because I assumed something and I wasn’t careful enough and I forgot to check when it ended, and I’m still tired and my head is still killing me and this report is enough of a mess that it’s making my headache way worse, and I’m still not in super great shape from my prescriber’s “well maybe you don’t have ADHD” (and the more likely option, that I do but I’m in the lucky ~20% that aren’t helped by meds, and that’s almost as bad), and...the Steam sale was a nice thing, you know?  it was like a reward for getting through my taxes. it was fun, I was having fun picking out all these super-cheap games to buy, I get a nice little bump of serotonin from getting things I already wanted on deep discount, I was looking forward to adding them to my library and getting a few more cards to make my 2020 summer sale badge. none of those are huge or irreplaceable things! but they were still good things and I lost them because my brain is garbage and I can’t depend on it for anything, and it’s almost guaranteed to happen again because no matter how careful I try to be to write everything down, my brain is just like this and I will have another situation where I totally forget something or I make an assumption and it doesn’t even occur to me to double-check until it’s too late.

I’m just...really goddamn tired of my brain constantly being like this, with no indication that it will ever not be like this in any way that doesn’t rely on willpower and systems that are guaranteed to fail because they depend on a brain that is going to sabotage them. I’m so tired of thinking so much all the time and somehow still fucking things up in a way that the only true explanation is “I didn’t think” (and I’m a failure as a person and an adult, and also generally not good enough, because why else would I struggle so much with such incredibly fucking basic things). and I’m equally goddamn tired of almost constantly being in pain, with no indication that that’s going to change either given all the things I’ve tried that haven’t made more than a temporary difference. I’m tired, and this is a very small thing but it also represents a bigger thing and this was truly terrible timing for a symbol of that bigger thing to smack me in the face again.

[soryualeksi]

I’m honestly at the brink of a full nervous breakdown.

Each day, every second, every moment I am awake. I try to NOT lose my stuff. I try hard. Every second. I TRY. I TRY SO GODDAMN HARD.

And my stuff STILL disappears.

I had my phone this morning. I checked the time. Ever since then it just... disappeared.

I checked all desks. The furniture. Behind the furniture. Under the furniture. I emptied the entire bed of pillows and blankets. I went through the cupboards. Clothes. Every single room.

It’s gone. It’s just GONE.

I try so fucking hard every day and then my piece of shit worthless ADHD brain just tosses my shit out and makes me forget and NOBODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS HOW THAT FEELS. That you’re always always ALWAYS fucking trying and it’s all for NOTHING. It’s useless.

And everyone thinks I’m just being dramatic when I freak out about this kind of stuff, that it’s ok, that it’s no big deal.

But it IS. I will NEVER be able to keep the things I need to get through my day together. I will constantly keep losing stuff. All my childhood every adult in my life made fun of me for losing my things. I’m trying. Everyone says that if I was trying it wouldn’t happen.

I honestly just want to cut off my arm right now. I can’t take this anymore. I try and try and try and things just disappear into thin air. It doesn’t even make sense. I CANNOT have hidden it under the carpet or wherever else is left to check.

It’s the same as being always late. I could start preparing 4 hours in advance and I’d still be late.

It’s all useless. No matter how hard I try it’s useless. My shit disappears, I’m always late, nothing ever gets better. And nobody understands how it feels to have your brain actively fucking hate you and try to sabotage your life. This time it’s just my phone. Next time it’s important documents again. Or my keys again so I cannot leave the house. It’s all useless. I honestly cannot take this anymore.

[theorynexus]

This would seem to bring us to Post Number 60, the 62nd post of this series, if you count the decimalized ones.

LAST TIME ON MEAT EPILOGUE It would seem we are returning to John and Terezi, this time--- wooo!~   Apparently, he looks pretty bad. This is unfortunate. On the other hand:  YES, MEAT EPILOGUE CHAPTER/SECTION 6!!!

Hey, don’t try to shame John for being the sub in this situation. It’s not like he has experience with that kind of thing (not that it’s something generally to be ashamed of: I’m just saying that it is something he seems to be somewhat embarrassed about, and his inexperience meant that it wasn’t exactly by choice on his part--- which is not to suggest that Terezi molested him in any way).  Aaaannnd Trolls (especially highbloods) are supposed to be particularly vicious in nature, generally, right? It makes a whole lot of sense that that would extend to the bedroom, as well.

... But yeah, that doesn’t help with his health. He was already doing pretty badly, just after the surgery. He didn’t really need that sort of mess tacked on afterward.     Oh, and... why “mysteriously” sticky, you derp? XD

And I am glad you were kidding.   (That slapping was very interesting to hear. Hmmm.)      Yeah, him being confused and uncertain about it also feels just about right~ ~~~ On a random note, I am reading this just after going through the memo where Karkat, John, and Dave were talking about romance/the propagation of the species, and KK insisted that John and Dave stay away from troll women.    That makes this all wonderfully hilarious, in retrospect. 

Huh. I’ve never seen “cuckold” used in that sort of context before.  Indeed, this is quite the question, though.  Could John Egbert handle a blackrom? A caligionous one, at that?   A very hard question, that is.   I’m not sure he’s emotionally capable of giving himself into the kinds of hate and playful ribbing that would be constantly involved in that kind of relationship, if healthy.  I suspect it might have been just a particularly violent flushed thing, though.  We’ll see.

Pffft. Slithers.   That said:  Huh. I was not expecting that turn. Let’s see where this goes~

Oh my gosh, Dirk, would you stop being such a downer? XD I think this is indeed very, very cute~     Soul-shattering is a weird sort of term to use there, for a normal person. Seems right for Dirk, though. He understands the nuances of how shattering can be more or less than a whole break.

That is practically the definition of a subjective judgment.  I know you’re being ironic and all, but come on, man, that’s just base as heck. But yeah, I think he might have it bad, indeed. 

The question here is, “Does he mean to suggest that Andrew Hussie is God to him, or does he mistakenly [in the context of Homestuck, which has given no distinct evidence for it] believe that there was a God that he actually usurped?”   “replaced” is a very interesting and useful word, here, given the working interpretation that I have is indeed that he is interpreting AH as God and likely believes him to have abandoned Homestuck, thus removed himself from his directorial capacity over its narrative, until he managed to take over.

WHY ARE NEITHER OF YOU THINKING OF RETCON-PORTING IN TO RESCUE HER FROM HER DEMISE BEFORE IT HAPPENS?!?!?!? But yeah, you really should get home and recover first, if it is possible.

Whoops. Not a good sign. Noooot a good sign.

The Power of Three is a very strong thing.

Here we gooooooo!!!~    The first time (I think) that I’ve continued a post beyond one page!!!

No.  Also, probably Jake English. He has strange effects on people.

Wow, someone’s a bit miffed.  That said: Hooray, acknowledgement by the narrative! :’D

I do not appreciate your repeated suggestions that Jake is dumb! That said: No. No, I do not want to engage in wanton promiscuity with such a man.  I am, to put it quite simply, not interested in meaningless sexual encounters with people I am not deeply connected with. Even if I had such a bond with Jake English, I would not be inclined to engage in such activities. Quite frankly, I am not exactly partial to the type of equipment he sports. As for the political side of things... well, that’s complicated. Yeah, people can indeed become far too energized by the attractiveness of candidates and those associated with them, rather than their substance.  Maybe that’s the case, here.   I’d like to think that the actual results of the election will in fact prove people wrong. Maybe there will be exit polls that we can see excerpts of to judge things for certain.   I don’t know~

FINALLY, SOMEONE FRICKING ADMIRES THE SUFFERER!!!

Eh?  I mean, I guess even Dave and Karkat were acknowledging the possibility of a misstep. We’ll see what happens.

Heee’s probably gonna try to sabotage this, isn’t he?   Also, I wish I were more familiar with human muscle anatomy.

“The Kibosh” is a good phrase to use.  That said:  ***snerk***    It’s like Karkat has wedding day jitters. XD

Man, it is annoying how spiteful you are toward him, Dirk. Can you give him a break for just a second?   I mean, you probably caused the sweating to begin with.

Wow. Such dudebroism, which I just suddenly realized/-membered Dirk was supposed to slightly embody, somewhat.  (I blame Gamebro Magazine, and the sharp contrast between the diction there and Dirk’s writing style.) That is a funny description, though, the brain-tonguing.  Also, gosh, Jake is nervous.

Oh, hey, I think Dave’s going to finally get a feel for the Narrative, and maybe end up confronting Dirk.  That will be incredibly interesting.

Wow, this is getting to him.  It’s like he’s made of sugar, and someone’s just begun to drizzle water on him.  Or maybe made of witch.

***lip curls up in a snarl***    Dave better make this quick.  I am somehow edging on more angry at this Unreliable Narrator than I was before Alt!Calliope took over...!

Well, that’s, umm... interesting. Particularly, the cultivated Obfuscating Stupidity bit. But moreso the fact that Dirk will acknowledge he’s smarter than he seems.

Yes... I think I most definitely am more furious than ever at this piece of garbage, now.  After the sweet taste of freedom that Jake was finally able to feel, and the burst of confidence he’d found in it, you pour all of this blithering waste on him?   Jane was trying to use him!   I’m sure she hasn’t loved him for a long time, and even then, I Jake never toyed with her heart intentionally, I’m sure!   Grrrrr...!

Honestly, though, he brings up a complicated and intriguing question.  Jake has definitely been used and abused throughout his history, and at least part of his recent activity to exploit his Hope-y Assets must have been Dirk’s doing, but how much of his sexually promiscuous revelry has actually been something that he would not and did not choose, say, as a result of his drinking problem, rather than him reveling in his identity as a   

WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE 

 just as your pre-Scratch self was?  Regardless of the level of culpability he actually has in the matters of his life, he is nowhere near deserving of this kind of shaming, and Dirk should be ashamed of himself for this kind of disgusting behavior which he is almost certainly engaging in specifically to throw Jake off.

Oh, also, victim blaming is BS, and the answer is an unequivocal, “You, you insincere, megalomaniacal, self-justifying dirtbag.”

***is so fricking ANGRY that it is taking a great deal of willpower not to release a roar of primal fury and break my hand on my computer screen*** THIS IS NOT HOW HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WORK!!! THAT IS NOT HOW SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY WILLING TO SUBMIT TO YOU LIKE THAT WILL BEHAVE, YOU FFF---     ***RRRRRGH!!!***

YOU HAD BETTER NOT FRICKING LISTEN TO THIS GARBAGE, JAKE!!! RESIST HIS INFLUENCE, AND---         Huh. The thought just occurred to me that both Dave and Jake could be interpreted as stand-ins for Simon, if Dirk were Kamina (despite how different Kamina’s personality is from Dirk’s), because Simon really seems like he could be interpreted as a Page of Hope too, for some reason (but curse my ADHD! XwX)   ---AND DEFEAT HIM WITH YOUR HOPE BUBBLE!!!

...  At least he apologized. For what that is worth.    This is going to seem so obvious to Dave, though.  Obviously, he isn’t going to kill his Bro, but... well, let’s see how things turn out. Hmm. Also, this is hilarious insofar as it derailed the press conference and probably took away much of the steam that could have been generated for the Karkat/Vantas ticket by Jake’s endorsement, but it doesn’t exactly do all that much for Jane Crocker’s side, either.  It was a very sickening and weird spectacle, but I am not sure how it will actually play out in their favor?   Seems like it might cause Jane’s side trouble, and might cause tensions between them.

I still can never consistently remember what “smh” means. But yes, “HICCUP???” is right.   STOP HIM, DAVE!!!  

TACKLE HIM AWAY INTO THE FUTURE!!!

Realistically, he should have no problem with speed at all. Time power shown a la cheating with Jade in games should let him get there instantly, and even his flash step that he has shown since before entering the Game should allow him to get there on time.      Man, Dirk is a prick about manipulating things. Especially since we are going to see things derailed and shift to another setting, right when Jake is supposedly going to make the biggest contribution he’ll ever make.  WHICH DOESN’T EVEN FRICKING MAKE SENSE!!!

[unfaeelie]

my self isolation, dissociation, and adhd have honestly gotten so bad and its been a good while since ive felt my mental health spiral like this. ive been a hermit long enough now i feel like ive lost nearly all my social skills. holding conversations is gruelingly difficult even when i want and am trying to be more social. it takes an immense amount of conscious effort for me to stay engaged and listen actively. finding the words to articulate myself takes so long it makes conversation clunky and impractical, no one wants to wait around while i dig through my cloudy mind endlessly to end up vocalizing myself like a child. i dont know how to respond to questions about me because most of the time I cant even connect with myself enough to know the answer. how am i supposed to know how i feel when i forgot i fucking exist. i feel like a husk stuck in a harmful routine that i forgot how to crawl out of. sometimes i hate how much more sociable my closeted egg persona was before i fell into the antisocial spiraling wreck of self imposed exile after multiple suicide attempts upon realizing my whole life was an act. i hate how disconnected to everything and myself i feel. my brains been scaring the hell out of me lately, and its heartbreaking to me how much of it feels like the result of self sabotage.

[drake-the-incubus]

I’ve been seeing a post lately on how the “sleeping and eating well, showering and going for a jog things aren’t meant to cure, but are an improvement and I’m appalled.

Like, no, in its own form, those things for improvement are meant to cure. Even if they’re meant for improvement, improvement of mood is a cure of depression I’m so sorry. But most people DO mean it as a cure.

And I can say from lived experience I’m less depressed not forcing myself to do things to be “healthy and happy” than I was doing that all the time. Am I physically worse off for it? Yeah. But part of the reason is, my depression’s cause actively fights half of those activities.

I’m depressed because I’m Autistic. But let’s go back. At 14 to sixteen, I was extremely depressed. At 18 I had my worst depressive episode.

At these times I was;

- forced to keep clean

- forced to eat healthily

- was fairly active willingly

- went to multiple clubs and activities

- engaged in media in a way to help my brain develop

Like, I still would do these things, but here’s what drains my energy to the point where I stop functioning;

- keeping clean. I... I don’t know how to explain to everyone I meet that keeping clean means I can’t do other things. It takes too many spoons and puts me in a foul mood, so I usually do it at the end of the day. I also never feel clean and end up injuring myself because I can’t feel clean.

- Eating healthily. This one is more of a financial issue? I spend like 1200 or more on bills and non-food necessities. So I can’t afford good food, not to mention my only fridge is a mini-fridge and my tap water makes me want to throw up. I also have extreme paranoia of running out of food so I can’t get myself to consistently eat. And making meals means I have to make more dishes, which is a task that drains my spoons and I can’t eat.

- I’m still active. It’s pacing/walking and keeps me in fairly good shape as it takes up a majority of my day. This risks me getting in severe amounts of pain because my knees hate me!

- I don’t go to clubs or activities because I don’t go to school anymore and I can’t find any that cater to me. I’m Autistic and LGBT+, my interests will throw me with Cis men, and a majority of the province I’ve met so far have been transphobic, and I can’t stealth because of my voice. In fact being misgendered causes me so much distress I try not to run into people. It was deemed unsafe to hold pride last year in the capital because of the transphobia and other issues going on. So yeah! Nothing like the added stress.

- Engaging with media that strengthens your brain is tiring and sometimes I want to just shut my brain off.

I have other multiple issues, like PTSD, OSDD-1b and other major issues I’m not going to go through, but the point is, these don’t assist me in being less depressed, because my depression is a symptom.

I can do these things, and it can help me physically feel better, but cost mental health that I’m not willing to give up.

Things that I’ve actively come to realize do help my mental health;

- Alone time. A lot of it. I’m introverted and being near people drains my spoons, it’s energy consuming.

- Fun snacks and treats for myself. A reward system makes life feel less shitty.

- Figuring out my issues and treating them.

- Setting minor goals I can accomplish

And I did this on my own because I realized CBT didn’t work on me, and made me worse off. Specifically because at the time, my therapist’s advice was to “just do your thing and ignore your father” and my father was abusive and a huge source of my mental health issues.

But that’s genuinely sound advice for other people, just NOT me.

And so is the above! It’s good to exercise, to clean yourself, to eat and sleep properly. This is used to treat acute depression and it works. Same as putting yourself into a new environment.

But the problem isn’t that people who say, “thanks I’m cured” are wrong, it’s that this is shoved down their throats and it doesn’t help them. Improving your quality of life is ACTUALLY not the most important step.

Recognizing why and how you have depression is.

Let’s not talk about how I’ve been told the above will help my autism- by a therapist no less who wouldn’t actually research into my autism to assist me- and how these steps never improved my quality of life but ruined them because I had other more important factors.

And I’m not saying that the advice isn’t sound, it is! If you can manage these things, please do so, because poor physical health CAN deteriorate your mental health.

But people with PTSD and ADHD are not going to benefit from “sleep hygiene”. Specifically because these posts are just said at face value and no one knows what the fuck it means.

Which pisses me off, because like,

A) what worked for your mental health is not applicable to someone else, my friend and I need different things. One of those things is my friend cannot be completely alone, it fucks them up mentally, I need the isolation otherwise I fucking lose it.

B) Comorbidity is high with depression. Particularly, people who are Neurodivergent, Traumatized, or have physical disorders tend to end up also with depression. It’s usually caused by untreated issues or struggling to fit in to society with these issues. If you can’t fix that, then you can’t assist them.

C) Improvement isn’t going to make “people’s lives so much better”. That’s... Okay let’s talk about something. Improvement means your mental health goes up a bit, but recovery isn’t linear and focussing on these traits as “helpful, can assist immensely” without mentioning that your mental health is going to tank again, just less severe as before and if you don’t track it, you’ll 5ink you’re not recovering, is actually anti-recovery.

Which I want to underline, promoting things for “recovery” while not being a licensed specialist, and not warning for the fact that someone is going to feel better and then feel bad again in a vacillating manner, is anti-recovery. You’re setting someone up to sabotage themselves. Someone is going to look at your condescending post and if it works, and then they feel like shit, they’re going to blame themselves.

But your little spicy posts on how saying, “thanks I’m cured” is anti-recovery and it’s not about curing people, doesn’t WORK if you leave out the narrative of people telling us that this cures us.

You’re erasing the narrative on why people react that way to make them seem anti-recovery, and no, these people genuinely want assistance, they’re just fucking tired of the same bullshit without substance and you’re an idiot.

If I’m allowed to tell my step-father to fuck off for unsolicited mental health advice, I’m allowed to tell a random stranger on the net with a post devoid of actual advice to also fuck off.

So, TDLR;

Mental health is very tricky and while physically taking care of yourself can help, it’s not actually sound advice. There’s more to recovery than that and it’s fairly anti-recovery in itself as it never addresses how recovery is about feeling better and feeling bad again because mental health is a bitch.

No one should be making sweeping statements on what assists with depression or other disorders, and everything should be posited as, “this may not work�� and should definitely have a disclaimer of, “if it does work and then stops working that’s a process of recovery, and continue doing it as you would take your meds to settle in”.

What are my credentials?

- Psychology as a special interest and career path.

- 4 years of medical fuckery with recovery before I broke off until I can actively find someone to assist me and get the rest of my diagnoses’.

- I’ve lived this. Genuinely lived this issue, and know other people to. This comes from years of knowing depressed people who have other disorders and are marginalized.

Final Note; Please take care of yourselves as best as possible, do what’s within your means and don’t put yourself down for struggling. Try new coping mechanisms out if you see them, to see how your mood is after a bit.

Remember your mental health is important, but figuring out what does and doesn’t work takes practice, and recovery is never linear. Let yourself fall again, because climbing back isn’t going to slowly get easier.

[actuallyadhd]

ADD, Autism and tics

Hey, I got a good kick out of submit long posts…no other kind for me😂, I’ll try however. I’ve always considered my condition “the bastard child of Autism” I’m Caucasian, 48yrs no history of brain damage/injury (although I believe the Dr. squeezed my head w/forceps too much-older brother has symmetrical features, head, while my head is curved from top to chin.) Lightweight @ 5lbs, 8oz. At age 7, I was diagnosed w/ ADHD. Ritalin was prescribed then undone. The sudden drop off was too much for my parents and I (fighting verbally). They were instructed to keep me active.

So my father puts this four eyed new kid in fast paced sport. Baseball🙄. So hard to sit still on the bench, then up to bat to strike out. Ended up pretending to go. My father would not allow me to watch the Hulk…thought it made me mad. It did….but who knew about “hyper focus” back when. I did blow up…the Hulk didn’t get bullied or beat up. Searching for anything to stop the harassment. My own brother bullied me. I chased him into his room several times. He’d lock/ dresser against door laughing. Last time it happened, I grabbed chef’s knife, fully intent on planting it in his face. I was livid…beyond that…My mom would keep telling me if I ignored the bullies they would go away. Never happened. All other parents told their kids to hit back and tell them not to f w/you or you’d kill them. Sets your reputation. In gr10, in front of 30 kids, main bully confronted me (he thought id done something, yet it was someone else) for what still feels like an eternity. Tried everything to get me to fight, even slapped me😲. Having left baseball for tae kwon do👍🏻, I learned only to get involved as a last resort.

Told my father this story for first time this summer. I was in a full on cry as I made a slapping motion, until my inoperable torn rotator cuff caused arm to jerk back to my chest. I never told anyone until then. A friend had same issue w same guy and had teeth knocked out. In our 30’s, we actually planned to pillowcase this dufus -ring doorbell, one guy holds him, other puts pillowcase over head/arms then beat the hell out of him. We were very serious and at a combined weight shy of 600lbs, weren’t worried anymore. From small boy to being harassed, assaulted, bullied and threatened to be killed (twice people have done that) as a grown man at work. An old guy was retiring, shakes my hand and says: “don’t be an asshole your whole life” First inkling it was ME. Union/management useless, so on a bright day during my hour long commute, I started to laugh and cry at the same time and I thought that’s weird but then I remembered my previous thought I’d come up with the way out of all this…I’d end me. Happy with the thought too! Had to take buyout as I was planning on taking coworkers with me from a dark place.

Genetics loads the gun, stress pulls the trigger. Got to the point I’d be introduced to people, tell them they’ll either like me or hate me in five minutes. People were honest and I ask what I did/said to get their backs up, trying to pinpoint it.

Now, if someone threatens me, I don’t get anxiety (I have horrible social and general anxiety) about what they might do, it’s what I will do. I’ve uncluttered my life down to sharing a small apt. Roomate has Tourette’s and we both are agoraphobes. Read recently first recorded school shooting in Canada was ‘78…how many kids just toughed it out back then? Since video games, guns are in kids brains. IMHO, I could easily have been driven to that brink. I’m down to a room looks like a teenager lives here. Mom died in August (used to rock back and forth watching TV🤔), weeks before that had to put my dog down. Mom wasn’t suffering. I genuinely felt better. Singing in car, telling jokes (the vestigial remnants of my sense of humour is all self deprecating now. If you see my self esteem, let me know-it’s covered in jokes. Today I can’t walk 15 feet without forgetting my mission. If my short term memory gets any shorter, I’ll go back in time lol. and the average Joe/Jane always says oh I do that all the time.

I was speaking with the regional director of CMHA. She asked me something and I told her I’d have to look it up on my phone. Roomate is there, ask if he’s seen my phone and told CMHA to hold on while I looked for it.

I was on the phone.

People call me paranoid, I say hyper-vigilance. sit with back to wall, watching all the time. Lastly, as my ass is sore from sitting, there are tons of details I could spew. The story is so long now and in 15 YEARS of seeking help, it started with anti depressant Paxil (felt like Dexter w/o the killing…nothing). Also lost all libido, including morning wood for six months. This year shrink sees me for 1/2hr, calls me bipolar, prescribes “mood stabilizer” and Benztropine for any tic issues. Last thing I need is a pill that causes more damage than the good it MIGHT do. I already take through the day: 2.5 Percocet 5/325, Ibuprofen 1200mg, Adderall 20mg XR, Clonazepam 8mg (down to four most days) Seroquel 50mg (weight gain, vicious sweet tooth), Benztropine 1mg at night.

Imagine having torn shoulder, combined with fast reaction from years of martial arts, topped off with ADD…Impulsive subtype. Something falls off table, I reach, then scream.

It’s just me and my car now. I hang out with no one, get invites just to sabotage them anyway. Everyday I wonder why I’m still alive. When things were at the lowest, I walked into hardware store for items I needed to complete my mission, as calm as can be. Wondered what cashiers reaction would be if I told her what they were for…thought that was funny.

Wish all the best & good luck,

Ian