t00--late - Tumblr blog

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Thoughts on dying

I made a bucket list today. I find out if I die on Monday. I have to set up my legal will kit on Monday. I feel like I'm the only one who is taking this seriously and I'm sick of people telling me to think positively. I'm here because I can't talk to anyone I actually know about any of my feelings because they just haven't accepted the possibility for themselves. This isn't supposed to be poetic or follow some aesthetic. I can't get on a transplant list. I never thought I would have to plan for death, and I never thought it would be this scary considering I've wanted to die for years. All of a sudden those thoughts feel really selfish. I already sold my camera but I really want to start posting more OC, and I finally restrung my guitar this week so I am going to finally record my music. I've started writing letters to everyone I care about and as cheesy as it sounds, I'm going to put a letter in whatever record reminds me most of each person. I hope this will keep me busy and in some cases bring me closure. I don't want to leave being hated by anyone. I started making a funeral playlist and now I can't stop listening to it. I can't decide if I should keep drinking, if it's not going to matter in the end. I don't want to spend my last few years going through withdrawals and having to avoid temptation. I'm scared I'm going to start pushing people away if the news is bad and I'm terrified to be alone, especially with a time line. But I also can't help but feel that keeping people around is selfish.

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“When a thing hurts your eyes, stop looking at it. When it hurts your ears, stop listening to it. And when it hurts your heart, stop justifying it.” - unknown

Art by Nono Astro Irareza

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Angelina, late 1990s

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Make a wish.

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