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middle of the night desired phone calls, day 7

I nearly fucking called you. For what? You’ve never answered my calls before. Even if I found a way to get a message to you, how would I know that you believed me? How could I know you wouldn’t twist my words?

I hate the way you make me feel right now. I hate that I am crying every single night and you don’t care. I hate the way I know you don’t care. I hate that you know how MUCH I cared.

What would calling you solve? Nothing. Just hearing your voice would wreck me all over again.

You broke my heart and you’re probably acting like it was my own fault. Like somehow I misunderstood every word you said to me, when you said you wanted me and that I was never too much.

How much of it was a lie? How much did you lie to her about me?

How could you ever have done this to me? After everything I shared with you, you treated me like I was nothing. You promised me that you never would and I stupidly believed you.

I feel so sick with myself with how devastated I am. Everything somehow hurts and feels so numb.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

[paranoidinspanish]

Hollow, Day 4

A year and a half. That’s how long you kept me a secret. I had no idea.

I’m struggling with the thought that this wasn’t my fault. I had no idea what you were doing or who you were doing it with.

You fed me so many lies that you valued me as a friend and you wanted to keep me in your life. All you really wanted was to have a piece of ass.

I hate that I trusted you so blindly. Why did I ignore them when they said how terrible you were?

I can pinpoint the exact moment; the moment in that cafe where you shared your childhood with me. All I wanted to know was cure your childhood loneliness and be your friend.

I never asked you to pull me into the corner and kiss me. I never asked you to put your hand up my skirt.

All I asked was for your honesty and your friendship. I was in such a dark and lonely place and you took full advantage of that. You saw someone who just wanted to be desired and took your chance.

What are you going to do with all the pieces of me you have, now stolen?

What are you going to do with all the thing I gave you, to cheer you up on a bad day?

What are you going to do when you turn to someone to share your pain and your hurt and I’m not there?

[paranoidinspanish]

Mother’s Day isn’t usually this hard for me. I wish I had someone I could physically talk to about this but I don’t.

My mom was undiagnosed bipolar 2 when I was growing up. For as long as I’ve known she wasn’t doing well, she’s been taking medication. This past year, she was put on a new medication that had a rare side effect and caused her loss of use of her hands and legs.

She’s always treated me like her mother and care taker and not like her daughter. This rare side effect was so hard for her and I to deal with. On the one hand, I love my mother. I love her so so much and I hate that this happened to her. On the other, how am I supposed to not fall backwards into this caretaker role she’s boxed me into?

I’ve taken care of her and I’ve been taking care of her. She has shut out every person that isn’t me or my father in her life and now she’s upset that I have work and a life and friends when she doesn’t.

Most of yesterday was spent reassuring her that I love her and I’m not going to abandon her. I’m exhausted from crying and having the same realization over and over again that I do not have an actual mother. I’ve known this for so long and I can’t understand why my heart feels like it’s so broken. I’m so so tired of crying and feeling so guilty.

[paranoidinspanish]

Some writing prompts to help beat the block!

[paranoidinspanish]

you deserve someone who is clear about how they feel about you. you deserve someone who feels strongly about you. you deserve someone who puts the same amount of energy into you as you do them. you deserve to have someone who cares about you enough to put their pride aside and compromise. you deserve someone who communicates with you to solve concerns instead of shutting you out. you deserve to be both in love and in a loving relationship.

[paranoidinspanish]

What I would say to you if I could: a Letter

You confuse me. A lot. In a way that is hurtful and negative. The problem is that I am letting you affect me in this way because I care. Heck, maybe even because I’m used to it. People have used me my entire life and it’s a comforting thing in the worst way.

What I want you to understand is that I am full of love and all I want to do is to make you smile and laugh and worry less and have a good time. I don’t want anything more. You’ve made it extremely clear that you aren’t mature enough to do that. But even friends hang out, check in on each other.

FUCK, I have notifications set on my phone for when your favorite team is playing. I know you can’t be that blind.

I wish you could expressly tell me “I don’t want to be around you. I only want your positive energy at work and when I need it. I don’t want you to want to be around me.”

But you don’t know what you want. You want me, you don’t want me, you want to protect me, you don’t want me to be sad, you want to hug me, you learned my triggers, you ignore me, you pretend I’m not there, you get upset when you can’t find me, you don’t talk to me for a week, you notice what I’m wearing, you notice when I change my hair, you came to find me when you knew you wouldn’t see me.

You like to make me think about you. You like knowing I’m thinking about you. I think you find comfort in that too.

[paranoidinspanish]

Okay so

Here’s the thing

I really like this person and they’ve kissed me and touched me and put their hands in places (consensually okay that’s very important) but now they

ugh they’ve distanced themselves because they said they don’t want a relationship and shit and I’m very confusion

I understood when they told me that they don’t want to keep going with whatever the heck we were doing because we work together

Obvi that would be weird and uncomfy

But

They still flirt with me

BASICALLY what I’m asking is for y’all to help me set some boundaries because I’m a right idiot and I will let them walk all over me

[paranoidinspanish]

do you ever just like someone so much that you want to throw up

or is it just me

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Am i hungry or am i just alone:

A thought

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[paranoidinspanish]

whale, whale, the turntables

Still depressed.

Still here.

Despite my brain’s best efforts. Worst efforts? It’s not good either way. I don’t really like it.

I always find myself back here. Writing. Is anyone out there? Reading this? Let me know. It may encourage me.

[paranoidinspanish]

honestly her performance made me tear up

Speechless

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excuse me she is a goddess

Naomi Scott as Jasmine in Aladdin (2019)

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Megan: this doesn’t look like a coffee place. This looks like a bread store.

Me: you mean a bakery?!

Megan:

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THIS IS THE BEST SCENE IN ANY FILM EVER

man this movie didn’t have to go there like that but they did anyway.

[paranoidinspanish]

You can take all of the novels in the world and none of that will make you feel as good as fast as ‘I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day/ when it gets cold outside/ I’ve got the month of May’. That is real poetry. Those are real poets. Smokey Robinson, Bob Dylan, the Beatles.

Hugh Grant as Alex Fletcher in Music & Lyrics

[paranoidinspanish]

Les Miserables: A REVIEW 

-pretend keep reading break here- 

Hi hello. If you’re here for a slice of happiness, WELP. YOU IN THE WRONG PLACE MY GOOD MAN. WOMAN. PERSON. HUMAN. I want to take a hearty leap into a smol place in time in good ole France with madames and monsiuers. I have not read the book but I do adore the 10th and 25th anniversary performances and a few *ahem* select performances from the 2012 film. For those of you who don’t know the story, I’ll give you a very small rundown: Jean Val Jean is a v nice man in a v rundown France and is imprisoned for 10 (15?) years for trying to do something noble. He escapes and tries to better for himself while being chased by a v black-and-white kind of officer man, Javert. There’s a lot of side characters and sadness and unrequited love songs and REVOLUTIONARY fist pumps in the air. 

If a wonderfully written albeit complicated story set to music is your jam, then this show is 100% for you. Amazon.com and I both say, “if you enjoyed the Hunchback of Notre Dame or Phantom of the Opera, you might also enjoy this.” I had to put off seeing this performance a couple of times because the depression parade came into down and naturally, anxiety sat my ass down to witness in all of its dreary glory. I was lucky enough to get to a different performance with the 2019 national touring cast. Let me start of with the fact that the music in this show is absolutely GLORIOUS. I didn’t think it could get any better until I got to hear it live, in person with my actual ears. Will I ever be blessed with such beauty again? I hope so. I do not know what the original stage production looked like or how it was choreographed but I must say that it was stunning. I love the use of the stage in telling a story and the power a cast can have over transporting you into multiple places on one stage. The physical set was simple but definitely not lacking in the details and the choreography as executed by the cast was so seamless; it shocked me. There was a screen at the back, however, that projected things like a town or the inside of a sewer and I hated the distraction. I felt pulled out of the show at times because it was like staring at a widescreen TV. I did kept making a terrible joke that the Javert was no where near as memorable as Russell Crowe’s version (he wishes), but in actuality, he was my absolute favorite performer. I’ll have to dig up the program so someone someday can sing his praises. 

OVERALL RATING: 3 and a half baguettes out of 5 Yes, it is beautiful and majestic but personally, I simply do not have room to love another tragic yet gorgeous story set in France. My fragile heart could not take it. I can only listen to a few songs outside of the show without bursting into tears and honestly, it took a lot of convincing for me to just be excited about the show. Having seen it now, I am good with not seeing it ever again but am very happy for the memories. Especially the one when I legitimately could not stop singing “24601”.