#zoe's never had this kind of experience before in school so shes upset and bothered

[citylighten]

i kept getting notifications of rohan misbehaving at school last night and it was so ooc because he has the practice makes perfect trait so he's ALWAYS focused and i find him whipping out his homework on his own, then these teachers call up Zoe accusing him of cheating and having rigged science projects??

he's stayed doing his best but the staff hates him! idk! feels racist forreal :/

[sturchling]

Hi I'm back I have 2 ideas similar but with 1 boy and 1 girl (Zoe) I'll send the boy later. Zoe is told about Lila but when Lila comes to her she is genuinely kind to her she doesn't call Lila out do to her experience but goes out of her way to be friendly which throw Lila off this is a two part so I'll send that next

Rest of the prompt : Part 2 Lila is thrown off by Zoe's kindness and it sickens her she believes it's a ploy (because of a bad experience with a fake friend) and tries to get her in trouble but it doesn't work and Lila is exposed when Zoe forgives her Lila snaps gets akumatized goes to jail or something and that's it

Thanks for being patient, here you go.

Zoe was excited to start at Dupont. She had heard wonderful things about the school and all its students. She got her class assignment, Mrs. Bustier's class and met with the class rep, Marinette. Marinette looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, but still smiled brightly at Zoe. She showed Zoe all around the school and made sure she knew where everything is. Before they left the empty art room to go to their class, Marinette stopped Zoe. "I just want to warn you about one of the girls in class. Lila. She is a liar, lies about knowing all these major celebrities and will promise you a meeting with them or help with a goal or something. But she won't follow through. I just don't want you to get hurt by her and be aware of her. But try not to call her out, or she will torment you." Zoe was a little shocked and agreed to be careful around Lila.

While she would be careful around Lila, that didn't mean that Zoe would be mean to her. After she was introduced to Mrs. Bustier's class, she was sat in the front row, next to Lila. "Just until I'm sure you are all caught up Zoe, then you can sit where you like." Mrs. Bustier told her. Lila was fuming, since Adrien had to move away from Lila. After all, Adrien was the only reason she wanted this seat in the first place.

This was only made worse when Zoe sat down and was immediately nice to Lila. Lila hadn't even plied her with promises of celebrities and dreams coming true. Zoe was just kind to her for no reason, and that didn't sit right with Lila. No one was nice for nothing. Everyone always wanted something for their friendship. Lila wouldn't fall for this again.

The last time she had believed that someone was just genuinely nice, she payed the price for it. Lila didn't have many friends back in Italy. As a matter of fact, she was teased a lot. So when someone new joined the class, a girl named Alysse, and was nice to her as soon as they met, Lila hoped that she would finally have a real friend. They hung out all the time and Lila shared a lot of secrets with Alysse. She really thought they were best friends.

But the truth eventually came out. Alysse only talked to her, because she knew her mom worked at the embassy. Alysse wanted to work in a similar profession when she grew up and hoped that being friends with Lila would give her a leg up in achieving that goal. Maybe there was an internship program that Lila's mom knew about and could help her get in. The only reason Alysse had ever even spoke to Lila was to use her as a stepping stone to reach her goals. When Lila found out, she told Alysse that being her friend wouldn't give her any kind of benefit in achieving her dreams, but that she would support Alysse in her dreams and wanted to still be friends. But when Alysse heard this and realized Lila couldn't help her, she immediately ditched Lila and never spoke to her again, leaving Lila alone once more.

This pattern would continue at every school Lila attended. She would be an outcast and teased. Then someone would think that Lila could help them with some kind of goal, and try to get close to her. But once they found out it wouldn't help, they would immediately ditch her. Lila eventually became very jaded about friendship and was sure the only way anyone would ever like her is if she could help them with their goals. In her mind, the only worth she could have is if she had connections to help her 'friends', even if those connections were as fake as her friends. So when she and her mother moved to Paris, she reinvented herself as a girl who lived an amazing life and had plenty of connections to help all her new 'friends'.

So the fact that Zoe was just being nice to her for no reason bothered Lila deeply. This had to be an act, it couldn't be real. It was never real before. Lila decided to strike first, before Zoe could try anything herself. Lila tried to frame Zoe for stealing her earrings, and reported her to Mr. Damocles. She was sure that once she did that, Zoe would get the message and leave her alone, quitting this fake friend routine. But the plan didn't work at all.

Mr. Damocles pulled Zoe into his office, where Lila sat crying about how her earrings were missing and she was sure that Zoe had stolen them. "She was admiring them yesterday, and after school I left them in the classroom on my desk while I ran back to the locker room to get something. When I came back, they were gone! The only person in the classroom at the time was Zoe, it had to be her! I just don't understand why she took them! I just want them back." Zoe was surprised by the accusation, and immediately offered to open her locker and bag. Lila smirked, knowing the earrings were in there, since she slipped them in her book bag today when no one was looking. But the smirk dropped from her face when Mr. Damocles said, "That won't be necessary Zoe. After what happened between Marinette and Lila, I made sure to repair all the cameras in the school. There are several cameras in the classroom. We can see exactly what happened." Lila watched in horror as he pulled up a video that showed Lila leaving the classroom yesterday with her earrings on.

"Lila, you left the classroom with your earrings in. You must be mistaken about where you left them. I will keep looking through the cameras for you, but at the least, this clears Zoe, since you had the earrings when you two went your separate ways. You may both return to class now." Lila was upset that her plan failed, but relieved that Mr. Damocles hadn't continued the video and seen Lila slip the earrings in Zoe's bag. As they exited Mr. Damocles' office, the rest of Mrs. Bustier's class left the class room for lunch. Before Lila could rejoin her friends and try to come up with a new way to rid herself of Zoe, Zoe stopped her. "Lila, I know you probably won't say sorry for what just happened. But I wanted to say I forgive you. Mistakes happen and I'm sure you didn't mean to falsely accuse me. Just please be sure next time, before you go to Mr. Damocles. You could really hurt someone if you accuse them without proof and they get in trouble."

The class heard everything and asked Zoe what had happened. As Zoe told them everything, Lila felt her anger grow. Then she heard someone scream "Akuma!" As everyone ducked for cover, Lila turned and looked. Sure enough, a dark butterfly was floating nearby. Lila turned back to Zoe, with a smirk on her face, completely forgetting about the class being there. "I'll show you. You won't make a fool of me. You are going to regret ever trying to trick me!" Lila raced and grabbed the dark butterfly, fusing it with her necklace. Hawkmoth droned on and on about her powers she would receive and Ladybug's and Chat Noir's miraculous. Just as she agreed and could feel the dark energy envelop her, she felt it fade away.

In front of her was Ladybug, holding Lila's necklace. Well, the remains of Lila's necklace. She broke the necklace and purified the akuma before Lila had a chance to even transform, let alone cause any damage. Lila was furious, and tried to attack Ladybug, Zoe, anyone she could get her hands on really. But she was quickly and forcefully restrained. Sabrina had called her dad the second she saw the akuma, and he had been in the area and arrived quickly. So quickly, that he saw the Lila grab the akuma and try to attack Ladybug. Lila was arrested and taken to a juvenile detention center outside of the city limits, so it would be harder for Hawkmoth to reach her. She was deported back to Italy after this, and sentenced to a juvenile detention center for the attempted of assault of Ladybug, and Zoe. All because she couldn't accept that Zoe was just a genuinely kind person.

[bugaboosandbees]

Reine Ruse AU

Reine Ruse AU

Welp, hello all. I’ve been a wallflower in the Miraculous fandom since it got started. I haven’t really written fanfic or published AUs or head-cannons online since middle school, but things this season have finally pushed me to the point where I guess I’m writing again. I’ve been so inspired by @imthepunchlord , @apex-primus, @gale-of-the-nomads  , @zoe-oneesama, @lenoreofraven and @miraculouscontent that I guess I’m here with my own post-chameleon salt au.

Buckle up kiddos, here we go.

So I’m calling this the Reine Ruse AU. I’ve started writing a fic, but finals are coming up so I might not really get to sink my teeth into it for another month or so. Basically, here’s what goes down.

-During Chameleon, Chloe makes it clear that she doesn’t trust Lila and attempts to call the class out for being hypocritical. It obviously doesn’t go well, but Marinette hears and it surprises her.

-Chameleon follows pretty closely after the Queen’s Battle arc and Heroes’ Day, so perhaps Chloe has been noticeably trying to be a better person and Marinette/Ladybug has been keeping an eye on this and can see her trying.

-A few weeks have passed since Chameleon and Lila keeps escalating. The seats never got switched back, so Marinette is still stuck alone in the back of the room. She’s having a miserable time and she really needs to talk to somebody about things. She doesn’t want to bother her parents because they’re really busy with things in the bakery and she doesn’t want to trouble them. She obviously can’t talk to Alya about things right now as she’s still firmly on Lila’s side. Tikki is wonderful support, but she’s a tiny god and despite her many years of life and experiences she just doesn’t really understand. Frozer happened pretty recently in this AU, maybe even after Heroes’ Day. In any case, Frozer and Glaciator are pretty fresh in Marinette’s mind and she really loves her partner as a friend, but she’s getting a bit concerned about looking to Chat for support as Ladybug. She really doesn’t want to believe it, but some of his past behavior is making her question if he’ll think she owes him something if she relies on him like that.

-She’s not getting enough sleep and is spending a lot of time running over the rooftops with no particular destination in mind as Ladybug, just trying to forget what’s going on. She’d never admit it, but sometimes Tikki’s reassurances can get to be too much when it’s plain that no one else is there for her and she needs support but not that kind and she just wants to be alone.

-One night her feet bring her to the rooftop of the Grand Paris Hotel. It’s raining and she’s been running around for hours and she’s crying and tired and she doesn’t know why she’s here, but she starts thinking of how much better Chloe has gotten and even if she doesn’t like Marinette, she adores Ladybug and goddammit she just really needs somebody right now.

-Before she can second guess herself, she’s knocked on Chloe’s balcony door.

*snippet from what is already written*

The last thing Chloe Bourgeois would have expected when she woke up that morning was for Ladybug to knock on her balcony door in the middle of the night. Nonetheless, she was nothing if not adaptable, especially for her idol. She adjusted her silk pajama robe and ran for the door to let Ladybug in.

���Ladybug! It’s so good to see you? Is there an akuma? Do you need my help? Did you stop by to say hello to your favorite civili---” Chloe cut herself off. The darkness had prevented her from noticing it, but the light that spilled out of her suite made it abundantly clear -- Ladybug was crying.

“Can I come in?” the heroine’s voice was unusually small.

Wordlessly Chole moved out of the way. Ladybug took short, sad steps past her, pausing listlessly when she reached the middle of the room.

Oh god, what was she supposed to do?! As far as Chloe knew, there was no established protocol for dealing with crying superheroes bursting in on one in one’s pajamas. And that didn’t even touch the fact that Ladybug’s eyes were so much more blue this close and Chloe was in her very short and very thin pajamas. She shook her head. It was apparent that Ladybug needed her, and if Queen Bee couldn’t help, then Chloe Bourgeois would have to do. She hesitantly walked over to Ladybug.

“Do you want to talk about it?” The words were uncharacteristically quiet and soft. Chloe rifled through her memories, desperately trying to remember how Adrien’s mother had consoled her after so many tears in her childhood. It hurt, to think back to then, but if anyone was worth it, Ladybug was. Ladybug believed in her when no one else did and she’d never admit just how good that made her feel inside.

Ladybug turned towards her, tears still leaking out of her large, bluebell eyes. Without warning, she shot forward and wrapped her arms tightly around Chloe, breaking into incoherent sobs. It felt like forever before the spotted heroine stopped shaking like a leaf, tears drying to sniffles. Chloe awkwardly kept rubbing circles onto her back the whole time, hugging Ladybug as best as she could even as her mind whirled at a hundred miles an hour. What in the ever-loving-fuck was happening? Who could have made Ladybug so upset? It was a good thing she didn’t have her miraculous or she’d venom whatever bastard did this to her… Then again, she could probably still claw someone’s eyes out outside of the suit as well… No, Ladybug needed a shoulder to cry on, not a homicidal sometimes-superhero on the warpath.

Chloe took a deep breath in and maneuvered them so that they were sitting down on one of the plush sofas in her suite. She moved to extricate herself from Ladybug and dammit if the way she tried to cling to Chloe with a small whimper didn’t give her feelings.

She awkwardly cleared her throat. “You need to stay hydrated. You’ve been -- I’m going to call for some refreshments. Did you want anything in particular?”

Ladybug wiped her eyes on the back of a spotted glove. “Cookies, if you have them,” she said quietly. “I’ve been out for hours, I need to recharge.”

Chloe nodded, not quite thinking of the magnitude of that statement and picked up the phone at the side of her bed. She didn’t even wait for whoever was on the other end to say hello. “Yes, I need a mug of warm milk and a plate of cookies as quickly as possible. Understood?” She hung up as soon as it was clear that someone had heard her and went back over to Ladybug. “It should be here in a few minutes.” Ladybug nodded silently.

Chloe sighed and braced herself. Clearly, Ladybug needed someone to talk to and for some unknown reason, she’d come to her of all people, so she was going to have to do her best. This really wasn’t her strong suit. “Alright,” she said briskly, breaking the silence. “As many lovely qualities as I have, I have to admit that I’m wondering why you came here tonight. Clearly, you’re upset. Why not talk to that mangy alley cat about it? Or a friend from the other side of the mask? As much as it pains me to admit, I haven’t been… the best person in the past. It seems like there’s someone out there who could give you a hell of a lot better advice about whatever it is that’s bothering you.”

Chloe didn’t miss the way Ladybug flinched, first when she brought up Chat Noir and then civilian friends. Oh, something was definitely going on and somebody was sooooo going to pay for this.

Ladybug twisted her hands together. “I…. I can’t,” she said. “I… I don’t think I have any friends outside of the suit anymore.”

“What happened?” Chloe questioned, trying to make her voice as quiet and reassuring as possible. It felt like squeezing into a too-small shirt, but it must have worked because Ladybug continued.

“They betrayed me.” Her voice broke. “Rena Rouge, Carapace, I knew them both as civilians… I trusted them with the miraculous because they were my best friends. But they took the word of someone they barely know over me and they hate me.” She paused. “They were all I had. Before this year, I didn’t have any friends at all. They were my very first.” A watery smile broke over her face and vanished. “I tried so hard to be a good friend -- I didn’t want them to leave me alone again. I was just trying to protect them from being deceived and manipulated… Oh god, it hurts. It hurts so much.”

Fat tears rolled down Ladybug’s cheeks and Chloe’s heart about broke in her chest. If there was one thing that she understood so very well… She scooted closer to Ladybug and wrapped the heroine in as tight a hug as she could manage. She could feel as the shoulder of her robe was dampened by Ladybug’s tears.

-Needless to say, Chloe really comes through as a friend and confidant to Ladybug that night. Marinette doesn’t really plan to go back, but it felt so good to be listened to and seen for the first time in a long time that she just keeps dropping by Chloe’s balcony.

-Ladybug and Chloe get closer and Marinette is able to hold herself together better now that she has someone. Not that anybody really notices because she’s a bit of a social pariah, but she’s much nicer to Chloe at school.

-I can’t decide if this AU is gonna be romantic or platonic Chloenette, but maybe Chloe has been a (somewhat repressed) gay mess for Ladybug the whole time and shit her school nemesis is also kind of cute now that they’re not constantly fighting oh no. Alternatively, we get some A+ female friendships.

-Either way, Ladybug is a pretty much nightly visitor to Chloe’s house at this point. They paint each other's nails and watch TV and there is some altogether wholesome interaction. Chloe is proud that she’s managed to bring Ladybug’s smiles back and starts to gain confidence in what she’s able to do to make things better by herself, on her own power and without a miraculous.

-Things are kind of improving. Lila is still being awful, but it’s much easier for Marinette to deal with her now. Ladybug and Chat Noir’s partnership is still kind of strained with his flirting, but they’ve been managing. Ladybug has kind of just been ignoring the problem and Chat Noir because she doesn’t know how to handle it and she really does care about him and doesn’t enjoy breaking his heart. She just needs to find some way of communicating to him that she feels like he’s disrespecting her, but the akumas have been getting more intense and she can’t risk another repeat of Frozer if she confronts him, so she doesn’t really know what to do.

-Eventually, the Lucky Charm says that they need back up. The fox makes the most sense to take, but Marinette just can’t trust Alya anymore. There’s really only one person that comes to mind.

-“Chloe Bourgeois, this the miraculous of the fox. It grants the power of illusions. You will use it for the greater good and return it to me when the battle is finished.”

-And finally, we get to the point of this entire rambling mess as fox!Chloe, or Reine Ruse appears. I think that her suit would use brown as an accent rather than black like Rena Rouge’s so it could incorporate some gold piping as sort of a subtle shout out to her past as Queen Bee. Chloe is a sleek, sleek fox. I also totally have an image of her having like 9 real fox tails that spread out behind her like the skirt of a ball gown or something (she is both regal and dramatic as fuck). She can also move them and as she becomes more involved with the miraculous squad she likes to wrap them around Ladybug especially when she gets cold in the winter.

-Reine Ruse absolutely kills it as a hero her first time out. Chat’s like “wow, it’s like you’ve done this before!” Chloe, who has listened to how much grief and indecision that this cat is causing Ladybug is 100% not happy with Chat Noir and pretty much straight up ignores him. If she speaks, she’s probably passive-aggressively sassing him.

-Hawkmoth is sending out progressively more akumas and they’re stronger too. It gets to the point where the lucky charm calls for help during every fight and it’s getting really hard to escape to get the backup Miraculous. Marinette has a talk with Master Fu about Chloe and the fox, sticking up for Chloe and how much she’s grown and making a case for her to be a permanent member of the team. It takes a bit of convincing, but Master Fu eventually comes around.

-“Chloe, you can’t be Queen Bee anymore… But you’ve come such a long way since we met and I would be honored if you would fight by my side as Reine Ruse, permanently.”

-Chat is grateful for the help but has no idea what he’s apparently done to get on the new heroine’s shit list. The first time they patrol alone together, she gives him a thorough verbal lashing about how he’s been treating Ladybug and doesn’t leave until she’s sure he understands.

-Adrien begins to rethink his life choices. Plagg attempts to help as best he can.

-Maybe Chloe rescues Marinette as Reine Ruse or she decides to try to get closer to her in her superhero form because she thinks that she’s totally blown it in her civilian form. Marinette who knows what is going on is just so happy and proud of her best friend/maybe-future-girlfriend.

-Give me a Chloenette love square pls

-Obviously, Alya isn’t happy when there’s a new fox hero. She probably gets akumatized over it, let’s be honest. At least it’s a better reason than getting mad because some middle schooler says he could outrun a panther.

-Lila is probably able to manipulate this situation somehow. She might not even know she’s doing it. Alya asks why Ladybug didn’t pick Rena Rouge and Lila says that Ladybug was just being a bitch or something, idk.

-Chloe thinks it's weird that Alya is so up in arms about this. Maybe this is the start of her figuring Marinette out.

Gosh, this post got so freaking long. I might add more later if anyone is actually interested, lol. I was thinking that the miracusquad in this AU would eventually include bee!Kagami and turtle!Luka as I don’t think Alya or Nino would reach the point that Marinette could trust them with miraculouses again. She might forgive them, but trust is a fragile thing.

Thank you all for listening to my ranting. I hope that this was somewhat coherent. I’m sorry that it’s so long and so rambling, but I really haven’t been involved in fandom for a while. I’ll try my best and I hope to improve in the future!

[imaginesnkdorks]

“Thank Goodness for Crazy”

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 |

Part V: A Decision I Would Probably Regret

Pairing: Erwin/Reader;

Summary: Reader is just your regular gal from our world, but that changed one day when she woke up in the world of Titans. Giving a fake name to Erwin Smith who found her, she tries to understand the world she’s thrust upon and to survive in it. And try she did. And she thinks she could be Mulan, now. 

Living in a military base is unexpectedly boring. I was looking forward to a lot of action and drama, but as it turns out all I get to see is a grumpy commander doing paper work. Apparently, they only go out on an expedition every other month.

Oh, and the realization that I’m in a “fictional” world of an anime isn’t much help. So I decided to just go with the flow. I’d rather live my life than to constantly worry if I’ll ever get back. I mean, I want to go back of course but dwelling on it will just hold me back.

Anyways, I spent the past week with the two people who really know me. With “uncle” Keith, I am forced to help with his paper work. It was almost all letters to the family of the casualties. I can now forge his signatures perfectly, and he doesn’t mind one bit. Nice. Then when I’m with Erwin, he let me just sit in his office to read. He is also busy with paper work.

Who would’ve thought soldiers do a lot of paper work? Certainly not me.

Anyhow, I love spending time with Erwin. He doesn’t force me to help, unlike Keith, and he gives me snacks. And if you’re wondering why I’m always inside, it’s not because they’re keeping me in like a prisoner. It’s my own choice.

I decided that if I’m gonna keep my background a secret, I should brush up my knowledge about this world. So the books that I read are all about their history and way of life.

I found out that this walled city is like a country, although for the residents it’s their whole world. Not a single one has ever seen the sea or even a beach. I’d say it’s sad, but then I remembered that there are people like that back home. We might not have literal walls, but there are invisible walls all around.

Speaking of walls, all the books that I’ve read gave me the same vague history about humans building the walls, as they run away from titans. It honestly doesn’t make any sense.

I’m reading yet another history book. And it’s not helpful. All of the books contain almost the same information. It’s like their government told them exactly what they can and can’t write. As I read on the couch, Erwin sat unmoving, save for his hand which is furiously scribbling.

It’s calming. There is no other noise aside from our breathing, the sound of paper as I turn a page, and Erwin’s rough strokes on the paper. Even though I’ve only known him for days and spoken to him a couple of times, I can say that I feel comfortable around Erwin.

“You’ve had your brows furrowed since you started reading. If that book upsets you, I could get you another one.” Erwin said kindly, breaking our comfortable silence.

Shrugging my shoulders, I answered “it’s alright. It just confuses me.”

Setting his pen down and pushing the stack of papers to the side, he looked at me expectantly. So I walked over to his desk and sat on one of the chairs in front of it.

“All this about how the walls were built is just giving me more questions than answers.”

“What confuses you, Andi?”

“Well, it says that titans just showed up, right?”

He nodded, encouraging me to go on.

“And the humans fled their lands because they were being eaten. Eventually they found a refuge and that is this walled city. So, if I understand correctly, the walls were already built and they just so happen to stumble upon it?”

“It would appear so. It’s what it says there.”

“For real? Because if that were true, I can’t help but think like these titan attacks were expected. Like, the people who first created the wall knows all along that some kind of monster were going to appear. Because this is too much if it was only to protect themselves against humans.”

I can’t help but notice Erwin’s eyes. It shifted, he really seems interested, huh?

“It’s plausible. What about the other version, wherein the refugees were the ones to build the wall? What can you say about that?”

“Impossible.”

“How so?”

“Well, back home we have tools, machines, and vehicles especially designed for construction and even with those constructions take months. As far as I can tell, there is no such technology here (there is hardly any, besides probably the printing press) so building the walls would be harder and would’ve taken longer. So if there were titans, shouldn’t the people have gone extinct before they even finish?”

“That’s a very good point. So which one of those seems more plausible for you?”

He asked, leaning a little too close to me.

“I actually have my own theory.” I said, confidently. Crossing my arms, I leaned forward until we were nose to nose.

“This is as crazy as can be.”

“Tell me.”

“The people used Titans.”

In a split second, Erwin’s blue eyes seemed two shades darker. His thick brows furrowed, seemingly in deep thought Erwin leaned back.

“Hey! It’s just a theory. I mean, is it really impossible that not one titan was ever domesticated? Back where I came from, even the fiercest of man-eating animals can be trained. And those walls just seem so impossible to be built by human hands, unless there were hundreds of millions of people working all at the same time, probably.”

But what I really had in mind was a Pokémon type of life. Like how a trainer could command Machop or Mewtwo, even, to build the walls for him.

Laugh if you want. I can’t help but think that humans are responsible for creating titans. I could be wrong, but they just scream science experiment gone wrong.

“You know Andi, even the origin of the Titans is vague. Ever since I was a child, we were taught these same things that you are reading now. Nothing has ever been clear, except that it is safe within the walls. We don’t even know why titans eat people. They have been living outside the walls, without any humans yet they survive. Thus proves that they don’t need to eat humans for nutrition.”

I was speechless. Titans eat humans just because they want to, not because they have to. That’s sick.

  “What do you know about titans, Erwin?”

“We know that their weakness is their nape. And that they don’t really need to eat humans. That’s pretty much it.”

“Wow. That’s too little information. Have you ever captured one?”

“No. It is far too dangerous. And it’s not exactly easy to travel with a titan.”

“Fair enough.”

And just like that, we were back to our comfortable silence. Erwin gave me a smile before he went back to his stack of papers. I stayed on the chair with the book on my lap. Looking out the window, I can see the top of the wall which doesn’t look too big.

Outside, the rank and file soldiers are training again. You gotta say, these people have guts. They venture to the unknown, one foot inside their grave, yet they never falter. Apparently, only the Survey Corps knows how titans look like.

In the hundred years of the walls’ existence, the titans have never managed to break through. So for the younger generation, they’re as good as legends. And we all hope it stays that way.

“Does it bother you? The sounds of the people below?” Erwin inquired.

“No.” Looking at him directly, I satisfied yet another curiosity of mine.

“Are you scared, Erwin? Of the titans, I mean.” I think you know by now that I can really be an idiot.

“Yes, I am. But I’m more afraid of the fate of humans if we never make any progress beyond the walls.”

I couldn’t help but smile and admire him. He might just have a way with words, but I can feel the weight of it. He really does care about the fate of humanity.

After burying my nose in books for days, I feel quite confident that I won’t slip up and expose who I really am. So I decided to socialize. It’s perfect as it is almost lunch time. I mostly eat with Erwin in his office, but maybe we could go to the common hall today.

Tidying up his desk, Erwin stood to grab our lunches. Imagine his surprise when I followed him to the door. Raising his brow at me, I just shrugged and told him, “what? Let’s go downstairs. I’m starving.”

“Okay.” He said with a smile.

The walk was uneventful, and we spent the time talking about the most random things. But as we got nearer, the voices got louder. No, they weren’t screaming. It was just like any cafeteria or fast food in the world. I can’t help it, I’m nervous. It’s like I’m a new girl at school.

We entered and thank goodness, no one is paying attention to us. But I spoke too soon. A bespectacled woman saw me and yelled, “Ha! Erwin! Is that the commander’s niece with you?”

Niece? Everyone on her table turned to look at me, and soon every eyes in that room was on me. I can’t help but flush at the attention, and thank the gods Erwin is much bigger than me. I hid behind him.

Erwin, being the true friend that he is just laughed at me. “Uncle” Keith then answered the woman’s question, “that’s Andi. My friend’s daughter. She’s like a niece to me.” Wow, he’s a good liar. The woman that asked stood up and approached me, she must have seen my embarrassingly horrified face because she was laughing.

Once she recovered from her fit of laughter, she motioned to shake my hand and introduced herself, “I’m Hange Zoe. I’m in Erwin’s squad. Nice to meet you, Andi!” All I did was limply shake her hand, feebly smile and whispered “nice to meet you, too.”

Soon, people started approaching me and introduced themselves. God, they’re a friendly bunch. Too bad I can’t remember most of their names. But some left hard-to-forget impressions, like Mike Zacharius. The creeper sniffed me!

It was an exciting blur, however. These people are fun to be with. Me and Erwin ended up sitting with his squad.

It amazes me how happy these people – soldiers – can be. Just a few days ago, they were in hell where their comrades are dying left and right. Yet life still goes on.

After lunch, I ended up sticking to Hange. I can’t help but notice Erwin’s worried look when he said goodbye. Anyhow, Hange turned out to be completely obsessed about titans!

           When I told her about capturing titans, she laughed maniacally and her eyes looked so wild, I almost ran for my life.

           “You’re the commander’s niece! You can ask him for permission! We should capture a titan.”

           “Again, I’m not his niece, I’m just like his niece. Ugh. Whatever. And yes, I’ll try. I’d love to know more about those monsters.”

           The rest of our afternoon was spent on me watching Hange spar. She might be clumsy, but she is skilled. I can’t help but enjoy as I watch the soldiers practice. Some are in the wooded area, using their 3DM gear, others are exercising and running around, while the rest like Hange are sparring.

           It was almost sunset when I returned to my room. Laying on my bed, my mind wandered.

I remember reading The Hobbit and feeling really jealous of Bilbo Baggins. A wonderful adventure was handed to him – an adventure with magic, breath taking places, and daring swordfights.

I remember reading The Hunger Games and thinking that I’d make a better victor than Katniss Everdeen. And now that I’m here, in a world with swords and giants and no iPhone, will I just sit back here in the base while the soldiers explore the outside world?

No freaking way. So I stood up and jogged to Erwin’s room. Good thing he was already there.

“Andi. Seems like you enjoyed spending time with Hange and the others?”

“Yes, I did. And uhm, I have something to ask of you.” I said whilst biting my lip.

“Go on.” Erwin promptly answered, his face becoming serious.

Taking a deep breath, I asked Erwin a favor which I pray I’ll never regret, “Erwin, can you teach me how to fight? I want to join the Survey Corps.”

Copyright © 2017 by imaginesnkdorks. All rights reserved

[sdhs-connormurphy]

Therapy Session 3

(Long self-para. Same triggers as usual).

Connor practically floated through the week. It started off pretty shit, with the usual fights with his parents, and the fights with Zoe. But that Tuesday, the second week of school, things suddenly got exponentially brighter.

He got to meet Evan. No, he didn’t just get to meet Evan, he met Evan and they didn’t fight or anything. They went for ice cream and talked about their favorite books and music and subjects. And then the night after, he got to meet Ms. Hans—Heidi. He got to meet Heidi and have dinner with them. For once in his life, things were looking okay. Maybe even better than okay.

He waved at Anna as he went inside. She waved back and giggled. Connor shook it off, because she was probably just being nice. Or maybe she noticed how happy he was too. He nearly ran into the therapy room. The rest of the group was already there, and Connor didn’t know if this was reality or if he was just filtering things through his happiness, but they all seemed lighter too.

“Hello Connor,” Peggy smiled at him. “Hello gentlemen. How is everyone this week?”

Silence. Connor shifted a little. He wanted so much to tell them about Evan, but he didn’t want to take up too much space, especially if someone had something horribly important they needed to share.

“Something happy, please,” Dennis joked. “I wanna know the good things about y’all’s lives. We already know there’s bad stuff we gotta deal with. I wanna know the good things.”

“That’s a good idea, Dennis, thank you,” Peggy replied. “Anybody want to start?”

Connor’s hand shot up immediately. The group laughed and made comments about him being excited, an “eager beaver,” but Connor didn’t mind at all. He didn’t even wait for Peggy to call on him. “My pen-pal moved to my school. I got to meet him on Tuesday and had dinner with him and his mom last night.” He paused. He should probably explain why Evan moving in was so exciting. “I’ve never really had friends at my school before. Or anywhere really. Everyone’s just been too afraid of me to ever want to get close. I’ve been writing to him for a year, and now I finally get to meet him in person.”

“How’d that make you feel, getting to meet him?” Peggy asked.

“Really good. It was kind of surreal, I never thought I’d get to. He’s exactly the way that I pictured him from his letters…which kind of makes me nervous.”

“How come?” Thad asked. Other group members nodded and waited for Connor to answer.

“…Well…,” Connor paused and bit his lip. “He’s not really someone people would, I guess, expect me to be friends with. He’s got a lot of anxiety, social, general, panics, you name it. So I guess I’m just scared that I’ll be too much for him.”

“What do you mean by that, Connor? Too much for him?”

“I don’t know. Like I’m gonna get mad at him and scare him off. Or like he’s going to hear about me from all the other people at school and realize that I’m bad news.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Things like this always start out nice but something always goes wrong.”

“Like a time bomb, right?” Jacob asked. Connor nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been there before.” The rest of the group nodded in solidarity. “Every time something good happens, it’s ‘How long is this going to last before I do something stupid?’”

“How long’s it gonna be before I get mad?” Russell added.

“How long before I get pushed back down?” Dennis added.

The group fell silent. Connor picked at his fingernails and looked around the room. Nobody looked like they knew what to say. Finally, Peggy broke the silence. “It sounds like everybody’s feeling a sense of doom connected with their anger. That you always get angry, and that it comes out of nowhere. And that there isn’t anything that you can do about it.” Silence. “That’s what we’re going to talk about today. We’ve already talked about what anger is and how you each express your anger. This session, we’re going to talk about anger triggers.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Robert interrupted. “Triggers? You mean those things that college kids are always talking about? ‘Don’t talk about this because it makes me uncomfortable,’ trigger warnings and stuff?”

The rest of the group looked equally skeptical.

“It’s the new generation, they’re always like this.”

“That’s such bullshit, I grew up without ‘trigger warnings’ and I didn’t have any problems.”

“How are we supposed to get anything done? Kids these days…”

“I know! When I was a kid, we didn’t have all these fancy words. People weren’t so easily offended.”

Connor suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He folded his arms and slouched back into his chair. He wanted to disappear. Maybe if he was lucky this conversation would blow over. His hands started to itch and his chest tightened.

Peggy noticed that right away. “Connor, you seem bothered by the conversation that’s going on right now. Is there something you want to say?”

Connor bit his lip. The group was completely silent, waiting for him to say something. “Yeah. You guys all sound like my dad.”

“Is it what the group is saying?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, but it’s how you guys are saying it too. It’s like you’re saying me and my generation don’t know any better. But we do, we know that mental illness and trauma are actually real and damaging and not just something that we can pretend doesn’t exist by telling someone that they’re depressed because they don’t go on enough walks or because God hates them.”

“How are you fe—“

“Angry. ‘Didn’t have any problems’ my ass, we’re in a fucking anger management group.” Dead silence. “I’m sorry, I need a minute.” Before anyone could say anything, Connor was out the door.

It banged shut behind him. Connor slammed his fist against the wall. “Fuck!” He grabbed fistfuls of his hair. Of course they were just like every other adult. Of course they shat on people his age. Of course they did, because why wouldn’t they? It wasn’t like anyone was stopping them! And right after they’d been so happy for him that he actually managed to make a friend! Connor felt his chest tightening and all he could think about was Evan. How Evan would feel hearing all that stuff. Evan, who has a very real mental illness and probably has more than a few triggers himself, hearing that the other people Connor trusted the most saying that his mental illness was second to their ability to say whatever they want without consequences.

Get it together. Stop. Breathe. Relax. Don’t hit the wall again. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. His hands wandered to the heart-belly breathing position. Good. Breathe. Focus on your hands. Think about how happy Evan was to meet you. How happy Heidi was to meet you. How happy you were to meet them. Think about A La Mode, and dinner at his place. He felt his heart slow back down to normal.

“Connor?”

He opened his eyes. “Oh. Peggy. I’m…I’m sorry about what I said.”

Peggy shook her head. “You don’t need to apologize. The group actually has something they want to say, if you’re ready to come back into the space.”

Connor nodded and followed behind Peggy. He sat back down in his chair and looked around at the group. No one else looked back. Jacob broke the silence.

“We’re sorry about what we said. It wasn’t fair to generalize like that.”

Thad nodded. “Mental illness wasn’t something people talked about when we were your age. People were just weird, or weak, or crazy. We say that we’re understanding it better, but we weren’t very understanding just now.”

“What we were saying made you upset. Which wasn’t fair. We want everyone to be comfortable here, you know? Cause we’re the only ones who get it,” Carlos gestured to the group. “And if we can’t be respectful of each other, who can?”

Connor shrugged. “We’ve got to stick together.” Carlos smiled and nodded in agreement. “I wasn’t personally offended by anything any of you said. It just felt…gross, I guess. Cause I couldn’t stop thinking about how that’s exactly what my parents would say. That we don’t know any better because we’re just kids.” He paused. “I accept your apologies though. Thank you.”

Peggy smiled softly. “Thank you, Connor. And I’m sorry for not seeing that the conversation made you uncomfortable sooner. I should have been paying better attention.” She paused, letting her words sink in. “Thank you, everyone.” The group sat in silence for a few moments.

Robert raised his hand, almost timidly. “But…I guess I still don’t understand what a trigger actually is? It’s never been explained well.”

“Thank you for your question, Robert. The word ‘trigger’ does have a lot of complexity behind it. Let’s go around the circle, talk about it.” Peggy stood up and went to the large paper easel. “Who would like to start?”

Dennis raised his hand. “I mean, I’ve only really heard it when people are talking about guns. So I’d say it’s something that sets someone off.” Peggy nodded and wrote “sets someone off” on the board.

“Something that makes people uncomfortable,” Carlos added.

“Flashbacks and stuff, like with fights or rape,” Thad added. “My uncle’s got PTSD, he can’t hear gunshots or sirens without thinking he’s about to die.”

Jacob shrugged. “I’ve only ever heard it in the trigger warning debate. So…emotional material?”

“No idea,” Russell shook his head. “Something that happens right before something else?”

Now it was back to Connor. “I mean…all I know is what I know from Evan. When something happens that makes him anxious, it’s like his brain goes into hyperdrive. He notices and obsesses over everything, he’s always looking for the closest exit.”

Peggy finished writing down everything that the group said. “So, what I see is that a trigger is something that happens right before something else. Triggers make people emotional, and it might cause someone to re-experience something traumatic from their past. Is this the definition we want to use?” Connor looked around the group, who were all nodding with varying degrees of enthusiasm. He nodded too. “Okay, so if this is our definition of trigger, what’s an anger trigger?”

“Something that makes people angry,” Robert replied without missing a beat.

“Exactly.” Peggy smiled. “Think about the last time you got angry. Could be at someone, at something, whatever.” She paused, letting the group think. “Now I want you to think about what happened before that. Not what happened the night before, or that morning, but right before you got angry.”

Connor bit his lip. The last time he got angry was, well, a few minutes ago. And he knew exactly what set it off, it was the way that the group was talking about people his age. Like they didn’t know what they were talking about, and they were being ignored. But before that…the last time he got mad was at his dad. He didn’t like how much Connor was smoking. He wanted him to stop. And he wouldn’t even listen when Connor told him that smoking was the only thing that made him feel better on the days when he couldn’t get out of bed.

“Alright, I’m going to put you all into groups,” Peggy continued. “Jacob and Connor, Dennis and Thad, and Carlos, Russell, and Robert.” The group shifted around so they were sitting next to their assigned group members. Connor smiled at Jacob when he moved his chair over. “And in your groups, I want you to discuss your anger triggers.”

Jacob nodded to Connor. “You first.”

Connor shrugged. “I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious. I get really mad when people don’t listen to me, or when they think they know better than me. It’s mostly my parents and teachers, they get condescending.”

Jacob nodded. “Sounds about right. Not like that, don’t give me that look. I mean I was the same way. That’s mostly transferred now to people not taking responsibility for their actions, and people not doing what they say they’re going to do.”

Connor smirked. “I know, I know. But yeah I see where you’re coming from too.”

“If I had to sum it up with one word, I’d say disrespect. Disrespect makes me angry.”

Connor nodded. “Makes sense.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Me too, I guess. But is it disrespect if it comes from your parents?”

“Disrespect is disrespect. No matter who it is.”

That last sentence hung in the air for a few minutes. Suddenly the fights with his dad, the arguing with his mom, it all made so much more sense. Connor picked at his nails. “I mean…I don’t feel disrespected. I just feel really invalidated. Like nothing I say or do matters, because they aren’t going to listen to me anyway.”

“You can call it whatever you want. To me it sounds like disrespect though.”

Connor shrugged. It didn’t matter what Jacob called it. He glanced over at the other groups. They all seemed like they were at about the same place Jacob and he were. That is, they’d discussed their anger triggers and now were at a bit of a loss of what to do.

“Okay, and once you think you’ve talked about the triggers you feel comfortable disclosing, I want you to close your eyes and think about them. Anything about them, people, memories, free associate.”

Connor and Jacob exchanged a glance. Jacob chuckled and shut his eyes. Connor glanced over at Peggy before shutting his own eyes. Whatever…

Immediately his mind filled with images of his family. Particularly his dad. ‘Connor, what the hell is going on with you?’ He’d ask that all the time but whenever Connor was even given the opportunity to explain himself—which wasn’t very often!—he wouldn’t let Connor explain himself for long before he interrupted with ‘grow up,’ ‘don’t take everything so personally,’ and worst of all, ‘you just wait until you’re an adult, you think you know better now, wait and see!’

“Now, I want you to think down to the root of your anger. The one thing that connects all your anger triggers together. And the next time you feel yourself getting angry, I want you to pause, and think back to this moment. Can you find the anger trigger there? And if you can, how can you address it?” Connor inhaled and exhaled shakily as he listened to Peggy. “I will control my anger. My anger will not control me.”

“I will control my anger. My anger will not control me,” the group repeated. Connor opened his eyes and watched the others grab their coats. Several stopped to wish each other goodbye and a good week, with words or with a gentle hand on the shoulder.

“Hey, Peggy?” Connor asked, getting up and going to her.

“Oh, Connor. I have the note you asked for last week, just here in my folder.” She smiled and handed him a small, folded sheet of paper.

He smiled back. “Perfect. That’s just what I was going to ask you about.” He waved at her. “See you next week.”

“Take care now.”

Connor gave her a final smile and left the room. As he walked towards the bus stop, he unfolded the letter.

To Whom It May Concern,

Mr. Connor Murphy is currently attending anger management sessions at Clemens Community Centre under my supervision. It is advised that he be allowed to leave class whenever the classroom environment becomes too overwhelming or aggravating for him, in order to minimize outbursts. Mr. Murphy has been told when this happens he is to collect himself outside the classroom for no more than two (2) minutes. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me at the number provided at the bottom of this note.

Thank you,

Peggy Schuyler, CGP, CAMF

Connor slipped the letter into his pocket as he got on the bus. He pulled out his phone and texted Evan. “Hey, are you still up for talking to Miss Honey tomorrow?” The bus set off, blurring the barely on streetlights against the sunset. “I’ve got some new accomodations I have to talk to her about too.”