#zhenya doesn't have a lot of insecurities and what he has

[71tenseventeen]

Hazy Shade of Winter-Timestamp 3

It’s been awhile but I got some questions/prompts awhile back and this was supposed to be a response to those but I went off the rails and ended up with such sap. I’m sorry? I don’t know how this happened. 

Very beginning is set when they still work at the bar but later is set later, after they have new jobs and a better little apartment. 

Timestamp below the cut.

The first time they talk about it, it feels like a daydream, more fantasy than reality. 

It’s late—the bar is always open much later on weekends. By the time they crawl into bed, it's nearly five in the morning. Work was busier than usual and Zhenya is particularly worn out after taking three extra shifts this week. But not too worn out to strip down and reach for Sidney—he never seemed too worn out for that—so Sidney pushes him back and straddles him, looking down with the sweetest of smile as he says, “Let me take care of you, okay? Just relax.”

Zhenya has never been good at denying anything Sidney has asked of him, especially since he asks so little. So he can do this, can relax back into the pillows and let Sidney take the lead. 

After, Zhenya wraps around him, pressing soft kisses to his temple, cheek, lips—anywhere he can reach. He loves Sidney so much. 

Sidney puts a gentle hand on Zhenya’s cheek as they lay face-to-face and traces a finger lightly under Zhenya’s eye. “You’ve been working too much. You have to get more sleep.” 

“Short-handed since Anthony left,” he says, followed by a yawn. 

“Still. I worry about you, Zhenya.” 

Zhenya pulls him a little closer. “Don’t worry, okay? I want to do. More shift mean more money, we get out of here sooner.” 

Sidney sighs but doesn’t argue, opting instead to pepper kisses along Zhenya’s cheek before settling in close again, head tucked under his chin. 

“Someday, gonna happen,” he murmurs sleepily. He loves talking about their future, the possibilities. It’s not something he thought much about before Sidney came along; now he thinks of little else. “We gonna move to better apartment. Maybe even have yard, get dog,” he says, dreamily. 

“And a cat?” 

Zhenya smiles. “Definitely cat, too. We name them Tom and Jerry.” 

Sidney giggles. “That’s a cat and mouse.” 

“Don’t think mouse good pet,” he deadpans, feeling warm from the inside out when it has the desired effect of keeping Sidney laughing. 

“Maybe we should wait to think of names for them.” 

“Maybe good idea,” despite his exhaustion, he’s smiling. “What else we do?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Mean, if you could do anything at all in future, what you want to do?” 

“As long as I’m with you, it doesn’t matter.” 

Zhenya wants to wrap around Sidney and never let go. Instead he says, “We always be together; that’s promise. But can do other things, together, you know? Like, I think I want get dog, maybe get job fix cars or something.” 

“You’d be good at that.” 

“I like, too. Get job fix cars and maybe someday we buy house.”

“That sounds nice.” 

“So what you do, if could do anything you want?” 

At first, he thinks Sidney will gloss over it again, but he hums instead, taking a moment to think before saying dreamily, “I like—I like the idea of having a yard. I would maybe make a garden. And maybe go back to school.” 

“School? What you study?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe teaching or like, something with plants. Or business, or physical therapy.” 

Zhenya chuckles. “Maybe you do all. My smart Sidney.” 

“Sure,” he teases back. 

Zhenya squeezes gently and kisses his forehead again. He knows he won’t be able to keep his eyes open much longer. “It’s good dreams; we have good future together.” 

“Yeah. The best,” is Sidney’s soft reply. 

--

They’ve been working at the big grocery store for nearly a year when Zhenya breezes into the break room, smiling when he sees Sidney waiting, unpacking the lunches they brought from home. He’s looking intently at something on the table as he unwraps a sandwich. 

Zhenya drops into the chair next to him. “Think I never get away from Tom. He just never stop talk.” 

Sidney lights up, smiling at him, and Zhenya truly wonders how he can still find it so stunningly beautiful. He leans close for a soft kiss, basking in the warmth of his feelings for a moment. As he settles back in the chair, his eyes fall on the pamphlet. “What you read?” 

“Hmm?” Sidney is busy cutting up an apple now. “Oh, one of the new kids left a pamphlet for his school. Some community college, I think. I was just reading it while I waited.”  

Once they’ve eaten, Sidney gets up to put the empty containers back in the locker that they share. Zhenya pulls the pamphlet back over, looking at the pictures of kids with backpacks and thick textbooks on grass that’s far too green to be real. 

“Zhenya? You coming?” 

He smiles at Sidney and gets to his feet, tucking the pamphlet in his back pocket as he leans in for one last kiss before their break is over. 

--

When Zhenya brings the pamphlet back out six months later, now wrinkled and worn, he puts it together with all the other information he found.

Like Zhenya expected, once Sidney realizes Zhenya is serious, he balks. He has a lot of reasons why he can't possibly actually do it. But Zhenya knows Sidney so well and he's ready, meeting every one of Sidney’s protest arguments with a counter argument of his own. He's done his homework, and he wants so badly to do this for Sidney. 

It takes a lot of convincing. And once he does, Sidney cries, clings to Zhenya, thanking him like he just gave him the world and not just a plan for enrolling in community college. 

--

Zhenya drives Sidney to campus on his first day, kissing him deeply, feigning calm as he works to settle Sidney’s nerves. He squeezes Sidney’s hand and tells him how much he loves him and believes in him. 

It eventually gets Sidney out of the car. He waves with a watery smile before he turns and walks towards the small brick building, brand new backpack—a birthday gift from Zhenya—slung over his shoulder. 

Zhenya tries to breathe around the deep knot of fear in his chest.  

Please don't find something that takes you away from me.

--

Two hours later Zhenya pulls back into the lot, relief creeping in as Sidney beams at him from the curb. 

Once in the car, he grabs Zhenya’s face gently with both hands, kissing him until the car behind them honks. 

“Missed you,” he whispers. 

“Missed you too.” He hopes Sidney doesn’t catch the relieved rasp in his voice. 

--

Zhenya can’t sleep. 

He tosses and turns and wraps himself around Sidney’s pillow, but it doesn’t help. He wants Sidney, but it feels a little silly because he’s just in the next room studying. But Zhenya isn’t used to going to bed alone even though he always did before Sidney came along. Since then, there hasn’t been a single night that he hasn’t been able to climb into bed and nestle as close as possible, basking in the feel of Sidney in his arms. 

Laying there alone, insecurities that he won’t dare utter out loud come creeping back; fears about Sidney leaving him, finding something—someone—better. How can someone like Zhenya compete with the kind of people he’s probably meeting now? 

Zhenya swallows back the lump in his throat and gets up, not caring what it says about him that he can’t manage one night without Sidney next to him. 

He finds Sidney hunched over their tiny kitchen table, grumbling at whatever he’s working on and looking exhausted. His curls are wild, as though he’s been messing with them, and Zhenya can’t help but reach out to smooth them back. 

“Hey,” he says, warming at the way Sidney’s features relax when he looks up. 

“What are you doing up?” 

Zhenya shrugs. “Can’t sleep, think I come see if I can help.” He’d surprised himself during Sidney’s first week of school by not only remembering some Algebra concepts but being able to help Sidney with it. Since then he’s helped any chance he could get, loving the way Sidney looks at him like he’s amazing for being able to help with a few math problems. 

Sidney reaches for his hand, tugs until Zhenya leans over for a soft kiss. “You’re sweet. I think I’m almost done. Do you, um, want to look at my work?”  

Zhenya slides into the mismatched chair next to Sidney’s, silently thanking any deity that will listen that of all the fucking around he did in school, he still managed to be good at math. “Okay.” 

Half an hour later, Zhenya’s climbing back into bed, this time with Sidney at his side. He doesn’t hesitate, snuggling up close before dropping soft kisses on his neck and jaw. “This better.” 

“Love you, Zhenya,” Sidney says sleepily, on the end of a yawn. 

“Love you most.” 

--

-Done early and getting a ride home with a classmate. See you at home. <3 you.

Zhenya stares at the text.

It’s fine, of course it is. Of course, Sidney should get a ride home with a new friend instead of waiting in the library—or worse, outside in the dark—until Zhenya gets off. 

It’s good. 

If Zhenya drives a little faster than he should on the way home, it’s only because he’s tired.

--

Zhenya pauses at the front door. He can hear a man’s voice.

It’s not Sidney.

He moves without thinking, flying through the door and coming face to face with a man he has never met, and he doesn’t hesitate. His mind is a mix of anger and fear, and if anything happened to Sidney— 

He grabs the man and smacks him hard against the wall, slipping into loud Russian. “What the fuck are you doing in here?”  

“Holy shit, man. I’m—” 

“Zhenya!” 

Zhenya whips his head around at the sound of Sidney’s voice. 

Sidney reaches out to squeeze Zhenya’s arm. “It’s okay! He’s my friend, he drove me home.” 

Zhenya’s insides turn to ice as he realizes what he’s just done. He lets go, starting to mumble anxiously. “Sorry, sorry. I’m not know. Think you stranger…” He looks at Sidney, terrified he’ll see anger but instead he sees understanding. and Sidney slides his hand down to hold Zhenya’s. 

“Hey. Hey, I should have warned you. I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“Sorry. Sidney I—” He turns to the man, trying to keep his voice steady. “Most sorry. You okay? I’m not know, I—”

The man holds his hands up. “Hey it’s fine, it’s fine man. I’m fine. We’re cool.” He glances at Sidney. “You weren’t kidding when you said he’s protective.”  

Sidney sighs and looks at Zhenya. “Zhenya, this is my friend Marc-he’s in both my classes so we’re helping each other out. Marc, this is Zhenya. You can call him Geno.” 

“Geno. Right, okay,” he holds out his hand. “Call me Flower. I hear you’re good at math.” 

Zhenya nods dumbly, shakes his hand, “Nice to meet. Very most sorry, Ma—Flower. Not normally like this.” 

The man, Flower, grins. “Yeah, so I’ve heard.” 

Zhenya looks down at Sidney only to find him looking pink cheeked and bashful. If he wasn’t so mortified at what he’d just done, he might be inclined to explore that a little further. Instead, he holds Sidney’s hand a little tighter. 

--

Zhenya swallows hard as Sidney closes the door behind Flower and turns to face him. He has to explain, he can’t let Sidney think—

Before he can get a word out, Sidney’s hand is over his mouth. “Shh,” is all he says before he moves his hand and pushes up to press a soft kiss to Zhenya’s mouth. “No more apologies,” he whispers between kisses, not giving Zhenya a chance to respond. 

Zhenya sinks into the comfort of it, pulling Sidney close. “Sid,” he whispers, when Sidney finally pulls away with a soft smile. 

“I missed you today. Come on,” he takes Zhenya’s hand. “I’ve got dinner heating up.” 

--

Dinner turns out to be leftover spaghetti from the night before. Zhenya eats quietly, letting Sidney chatter away about his day at school, his new friend, and a test coming up in a few days. In turn, he responds when Sidney asks about his day, not really knowing what to say about a day spent unloading trucks and moving inventory. He does his best and then changes the subject, offering to wash the dinner dishes. 

Sidney frowns at him for a moment before he sighs and nods. “Okay. I’m going to go jump in the shower.” 

Zhenya takes his time washing and drying the dishes. When that’s finished he takes out the trash and, on a whim, packs their lunches for the next day. He’s careful, trying to get the peanut butter to jelly ratio exactly the way Sidney likes it. He wishes he had a chocolate bar or peanut butter cup to put in the bag, too. Instead, he packs the last two apples in Sidney’s lunch, even though it means Zhenya won’t have one. Sidney likes this kind of apple, and Zhenya can do without it if it makes Sidney happy. 

He stares down at the pitiful brown bag, wondering why he thought doing a good job of packing a cold lunch would somehow mean something important. Sidney doesn’t need Zhenya to pack his lunch, he doesn’t need Zhenya for anything, really and—

His thoughts are cut off by warm arms sliding around his waist from behind. The feel of Sidney’s damp curls resting between his shoulder blades is comforting. 

“Hey,” Sidney’s voice is soft. “Making lunches?” 

“Yeah.” 

Sidney steps around to his side. He’s only wearing his boxer briefs and Zhenya slips an arm around his waist. 

“Gonna get cold.” 

“You’ll keep me warm.” 

Zhenya can’t help but smile at that. 

“I think you counted the apples wrong.” 

He flushes, feeling caught out. “You like, your favorite kind. Think I let you have both.” 

Sidney shakes his head a little, holding his gaze as he reaches over to pull the extra apple out of his bag and place it carefully in Zhenya’s. When Zhenya doesn’t protest, Sidney grins and puts the bags in the fridge before grabbing his hand. “Come on.” 

He lets Sidney lead him to their bedroom—it had felt like the biggest accomplishment the day they got this place with an actual bedroom and then, a few weeks later, a real bed. The way Sidney had beamed at him on both days had meant everything—and pull his clothes off. 

“Sid, I—” 

“Shhh. I want you to let me talk first.” 

Zhenya nods because he never has and never will say no to Sidney. 

Sidney arranges Zhenya so that he’s sitting up against the wall behind their bed and then slides smoothly onto his lap, taking Zhenya’s face in his hands. “You’re spending too much time up here,” he says without preamble, tapping gently on Zhenya’s temple. 

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop. I love you, Zhenya, and I’m always going to love you. You didn’t know him, and you were trying to protect me and our home. I could never be upset about that.” 

“Sid…” Zhenya swallows hard. How did Sidney know? “How—”

“Shhh,” Sidney says again before leaning in for a slow, gentle kiss. “I know you,” he says softly between kisses. “And I love everything about you. And that is never going to change because you make me feel safe and loved. Please tell me you know I mean that.” 

Zhenya squeezes Sidney’s hips before wrapping his arms around him and holding tight. God, how could he ever doubt— “I know. I’m sorry, Sidney. I’m get little bit worry, feel bad and wonder what your friend think of me, what you think after I’m do that to him.” 

Sidney nods, keeping their foreheads close. “I thought so. But Zhenya, I don’t care what anyone thinks of you. If they have a problem with you then they’re not my friend. This is our home and I love knowing that you’ll always defend it and me and us. And you need to know that no matter where we go or who I meet I will still, always want you. There is no place I want to go, no experience I want to have without you. I love you so much.” 

Zhenya has to clear his throat. “Love you, too, my Sid. So much.” 

“Always?” 

Zhenya pulls him even closer, their chests flush now. “Always,” he says, as firmly as he can because it’s important that Sidney never doubts that or wonders. “Always love you. Forever, Sidney.” 

Sidney smiles then, gentle and sweet, as he slots his lips against Zhenya’s for another soft kiss.