#ys' bitchposting

[bigbutchgothgirl]

l iove the internet i love meeting people on the internet i love talking about our shared interests on the internet i love becoming friends on the internet i love getting to know each other better on the internet i love slowly developing feelings for them on the internet i love hearing about their day on the internet i love how i can be here for them if they have a bad day on the internet i love not being able to offer more cause they're countries away so all i can provide is words on the internet i love not being able to comfort them and tell them things'll be fine while giving them a hug in person and can only be text on a screen on the internet i love not being able to do any fucking thing to help them outta their shit-ass situation and can only listen on the internet i love... i...

...i...

[bigbutchgothgirl]

Welp

after months of trying my best to push through/past the ceaseless bullshit life's heaped on me with sadistic gusto this year, I've finally had to throw in the towel after this latest bout has left me worse off than ever.

I am just too disabled to work anymore.

...i... don't know what to do now, really.

Welp

[bigbutchgothgirl]

christ. bones should just not sometimes. am in all the pain today :)

[bigbutchgothgirl]

brains fuckin suck and i deeply, desperately wish i didn't have even the damaged wreck of one I'm lumbered with rn.

That or i wish i had something to shut the fucker up. Ugh.

[bigbutchgothgirl]

hey folx

having an absolute shocker of a day, under so much stress rn you could use my blood as a pressure washer. my HRT provider keeps rejecting my payments, idk why and it's driving me fucking spare

if you wanna get me some comfort food I'd really appreciate it.

https://ko-fi.com/bigbutchgothgirl

[bigbutchgothgirl]

been playing the lovely game tonight of "Is it the HRT that's made me more and more of a sobby teary emotional mess over the years, or is it the constantly growing and currently overwhelming levels of stress i experience on a daily basis"?

and why do i feel it's both

[bigbutchgothgirl]

feelin like pure shit just wanna be a dumb fat puppy in a comfy cage with a comfy bed and plushies i like cared for by someone i love and supplied with tasty snacks and drugs i like no thoughts head empty smooth puppy brain so full of love

why the fuck i gotta deal with medical bureaucracy. i aint cut out for this shit goddamnit

[bigbutchgothgirl]

experiencing the "really fucking boring" part of being chronically ill again. yippee.

shitass bitchtons of pain, can't concentrate on shows or films to distract, cant game cause my hands injured, about all i can do to not grab the vodka next to my bed and have an early night lmao

[bigbutchgothgirl]

i think the worst thing about my financially-imposed undesired extended sobriety is the longer i exist in it, the more memories of my thoroughly unsober & unfortunate teenage years resurface into being, and the more i realise it was so much worse & more damaging than i thought it was yay i hate this :)