#youshouldn'thavesaidthat

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𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 - 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐬𝐚𝐦 𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐀𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚

Me and Phoebe were currently in the middle of our lunch. It was so lovely to see her again after a year, we both hadn't stopped smiling.

"So you haven't actually told me why you are taking a month-long break you know?" Pheebs speaks up over her food.

"Surely I have," I say, knowing full well I hadn't.

"Last I know you were writing and selling your songs and then you're telling me you are going on a break but no why" She shrugs.

"Just got that I was working myself a bit too hard like you said so I took a break from it all" I explain.

"It all? Even writing?" She questions.

"Yeah, that is the main part of it" I slightly joke.

"Bella since I met you you haven't stopped writing. You're always making notes in your mind, phone, notebooks, or on anything you can find at the time" She says with a deadpan look.

"Pheebs drop it. It's just a month" I say and before she can even reply we hear someone saying my name.

I look up to be met with the eyes of his mother's eyes.

"Arabella," she says, coming over to the table.

"Shirley," I say, giving a small smile hiding my shock.

"Oh come here give me a hug, I haven't seen you in years darlin," She says as I step up from the table to greet her open arms.

"Yeah. It's lovely to see you. Sit down for a moment" I say, playing it off.

"Oh Phoebe I hadn't even noticed you pet," She says, placing a hand on Phoebe's hand.

"It's quite alright Shirl" Phoebe replies, laughing it off.

"Now Arabella how come your back in town? We all thought you left your Newcastle ways behind you" Shirley asks.

"I got a break from work and I thought I'd pay my grandparents a visit back here and come back to my Newcastle ways" I laugh.

"Oh, it's so lovely to see you. It's been too long. Now I've got to get going got two hungry boys back home. We'll have to catch up over a cuppa soon pet" She says, tapping my leg before getting up to leave.

Me and Phoebe say a quick goodbye before I realise her words. Two boys. He's here as well. We are both in the same place at the same time after ten years.

"How ya feeling Bella," Phoebe asks as she stacks our plates together.

I down the glass of wine next to me in reply.

"I'm guessing you noticed the 'two boys'" She says.

"Yep. Ten years really isn't enough. Anyway flower shopping time" I say, grabbing my things and going over to the counter to pay for my things.

I zone out as I swipe my card.

I look up as I put my last bag in the boot of my car, seeing him approaching the car. His messy blonde hair. His outfit was his typical white top, black jeans, messy adidas, and of course that damned flannel shirt.

"What are you doing here?" I say, slamming the boot door.

"So you're leaving Shields I hear" His voice speaks over my shoulder as I approach my car door.

"Aye got a writing offer in London. Gotta take the chances you get right? That's what you said to me" I say, replaying his words in my head.

"Running away doesn't fix things you know" He whispers, in the dark night.

I turn around to face him, the moon somehow illuminating his face perfectly.

"No but not having the possibility of seeing you every day does. Not being the same sixteen-year-old who cried her eyes out over you breaking my heart. Not having to hear about all your new flings, relationships or crushes fixes it all" I say, always being honest with him before going to grab the handle of the car door.

"Rose I never stopped loving you," He says from behind me as I open the door.

I wince at his nickname for me and his words. I choose to ignore them and get in the car. I put the keys in the car and start to reverse.

I look up and see his memorising blue eyes watching me driving away.

I silently hope that I never see him or this town again for a long time.

I'm brought back to reality as I see us approaching the flower shop.

"And she's back again. You okay Bella?" She asks, linking arms with me.

"Yeah just reminiscing on the years we did this every day," I say, looking at the flowers and smelling them.

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐍𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

I decided to post a picture on instagram of my day with Phoebe after being quiet for so long. 

Wait liked by who? My eyes must be playing tricks on me. I click on the likes to see a matter of fact it was him that had liked the post. But I knew better than to look through his account, instead I threw my phone to the bottom of the bed.

Suddenly I was that fifteen-year-old girl again who had that rush because he'd liked her post.

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happy new year my loves! here's a little (late) christmas and new year gift from me. I'm so excited to share more of this book with you this year. love you all - ash x

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𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 - 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐬𝐚𝐦 𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐓𝐖: 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌

𝐒𝐚𝐦

"You okay pet? You seem to have thrown yourself into work since the other night" Mam asks as I sit staring at my phone in the kitchen.

"Aye, just getting my arse in gear. Don't worry" I say, playing it off. 

"Howay lad, you are gonna have a brew with me and tell me what's going on" She orders, turning the kettle on and staring me down till I put my phone away. 

I shake my head at my mother but I follow her orders, needing to talk to someone even if it was my poor mam. 

"I saw Arabella the other night when I was out with the lads" I whisper into the silence, not quite believing it myself.

"Please don't tell me you fucked up again child" She says pointing at me as a joke, making me sigh in reply. 

"No, we sat on the beach and I calmed her down from some anxiety attack. I felt so stupid running after her but I couldn't help it. It's like a switch in my brain once I see her and I fall in love with her all over again so many years later" I lightly explain. 

"Oh my darling, some loves don't go whether we are teenagers or in our bloody nineties and clearly you love Arabella but that story is better left be. You hurt her too much, she ran away from her safety at eighteen. I'm sorry Sam, but you did good to look after her and I'm sure she appreciates it. Maybe friends are on the cards pet?" My mam says, trying her best to help as I hum in response. 

"I'm going go up to my room for a bit" I say, placing of kiss of thanks on her cheek. 

As soon as I get to my room, I lock my door and do something I hadn't done in ten maybe twelve years. I opened my wardrobe, pulling the familiar green jacket down from the back. As soon as I see the familiar stripes down the arms, the guilt washes over me. 

It all played through my mind as if it was some black and white short film. Then came the self-deprecating thoughts. The hatred for myself, the hatred for my actions, the disbelief. 

I smiled to myself as I saw a notification from her appear on my screen. I clicked on the message as soon as I could. 

Arabella: I did a stupid thing and forgot my jacket so you're gonna have to deal with cold me all day x

Sam: Do you not have another?? x

Arabella: Sadly not, no other fits over my blazer x

Sam: That sucks, don't worry I won't let you get cold x

It was now later in the day and I was now with Arabella at break with all my mates, Dean eyeing my jacket as she started to shiver. I was already two steps ahead of you Deano I thought as I turned to her. 

"Do you want my jacket?" I asked, as she did her little cold dance. 

"No it's okay. Don't worry Sam" She assured me. 

"Howay, take the jacket before you freeze to death. Come on I'll hold your bag, I'm not that cold anyway" I said, handing her my bag as I peeled off my jacket for her. 

We both smiled at the image of her in my jacket, the sleeves being long enough for her to do her hand thing without pulling it and the jacket reaching half way down her thigh. 

I replayed the image over and over in my head. Dying to go back to those days. The innocence. The love. The comfort. 

The week after we broke up, I switched to my waterproof jacket then eventually two jackets out of spite. I wanted her to be mad at me, hate me because I thought she would at least argue with me but she never did. She kept it bottled it up. 

If possible I hated myself even more now. I hated myself for the way I treated her, the way I broke up with her, for breaking up with her. I had the best thing ever and I threw it away for the stupidest reasons, not even semi decent reasons. Selfish, horrible, cruel reasons. 

I was currently in therapy and she always tried to get me to open up about Arabella but I just couldn't. I internally shiver and cringe at the thought of it all.  I placed the jacket in it's designated place and caught myself in the mirror. Similar to the way I had that night. 

I could still picture my tear stained eyes and face, the hatred for myself that never went just seemed to grow into this cloud of darkness over my head all the time. 

I stared around my bedroom, memories playing over and over of her, of us. It was like one giant whirlpool that seemed to increase in speed. Then come the racing heartbeat, rapid breathing, shaking body and anger.

I pulled at my hair, bit at my nails and lip, tugged at everything possible before completely losing it. Grabbing a nearby glass, throwing it at my wardrobe aiming for the top shelf. 

"Fuck you Sam. You cruel fucking person. Then you have the decency to fucking act like some sweetheart in public. Everyone should hate you. I hate you" I shouted at myself. 

The anger didn't seem to calm this time, it seemed to grow. Here we go, been here before. I grabbed a nearby razor, tearing it across my skin like it was paper. I watched the whiteness, the innocence become covered by the red, the evil. I made my mark of hatred once again. Yet all the tears didn't seem to soothe the anger, I accepted it. I deservered it.

Why Sam? Why did you do all this? 

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new you shouldn't have said that chapter out today, keep an eye out x