#your life will ostracize you from the only home you've ever known

[mothervvoid]

sophieism vs ninaism vs chiyoism

[typical-simplelove]

White Horse (Taylor's Version) -> Andrei Svechnikov

Requested by anonymous: Hey, I'm the Andrei Svechnikov ask!! I don't know if this is too vague (and if it is, I'm so sorry and please don't worry about writing it!) but could you write a story for the song White Horse by Taylor Swift? Like the one where her boyfriend cheats on her but she has to choose to let go for her own sake? Thank you so much for reading my ask!

Summary: After a humiliating breakup, you move to Raleigh to get away from the small-town drama, and that's where you meet Andrei. Andrei Svechnikov, the one that makes your mind spin even though you've sworn off dating.

Author's Note: Special thanks to @rosesvioletshardy for helping me out with one of these scenes; it definitely wouldn't have been finished without your help. To the anon, thank you so much for requesting this (my requests currently aren't open, btw) because I had a ton of fun working on it. I hope you enjoy this!

Warnings: gender-neutral!reader; airports; breakups; cheating

Word Count: 4.7k (including song lyrics)

Say you're sorry, that face of an angel Comes out just when you need it to As I paced back and forth all this time 'Cause I honestly believed in you Holdin' on, the days drag on Stupid girl, I should've known, I should've known

“Folks, we have landed here in Raleigh,” the pilot announces over the PA system. “We will be heading to the terminal in just a few moments. Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until the seatbelt sign is off. You may, however, use your phones and take them off of airplane mode.”

Taking a shaky breath, you pull out your phone from where it’s sitting in your purse—your carry-on—and turn it on. Once it’s on, you type out a text to tell your mom that you’ve landed safely. You know she didn’t want you to leave your hometown, but after everything you’ve been through, you couldn’t stay. Not after what they did to you.

You were supposed to get married three days ago. You were supposed to get married and start your life with someone who you thought was the love of your life. It was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, but when you found out they were cheating on you, it was over. You wanted a happy-ever-after story where everything worked out like the movies. They cheated and tore you down.

You couldn’t remain in your small hometown where all the watchful and pitying eyes would glare down at you as you walked by. Everyone in town pitied you. Their watchful eyes would glare down at you as you sat at the local coffee shop while you drank your morning coffee. You couldn’t take the whispers behind your back when you were at the grocery store. The snickers behind your back when you’d shop for new clothes were too much to take. You were ostracized in your own home and couldn’t take it anymore, so you applied for a new job and moved to Raleigh in a matter of seven days. It was only going to get worse, and you knew that you’d never be able to fully move on in your hometown.

After getting off the plane, getting your luggage, and finding a taxi, you were finally en route to your new apartment. You had three suitcases but no boxes. You moved into a fully furnished apartment because you knew it would be little to no hassle. You wanted this move to be as seamless as possible.

You lug your suitcases up to the apartment and stand in your new, narrow hallway. The apartment was nice. It was content and would be able to give you everything you’d need to hypothetically make Raleigh and this apartment your home.

You drag your suitcases to their proper rooms and start to unpack things. Sure, you could wait and explore the city, your new home, but you’re not feeling it. All you want is to sit on your new couch with a pint of ice cream and pretend you loved your new home. You wanted to pretend that everything was okay and that moving here was magically going to fix everything. It wasn’t, but it was a start. A start at fixing your broken heart and maybe that was what you needed.

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it's too late for you and your white horse To come around

“Trust me,” Marci, one of your coworkers, begins. “You’re going to love this bar.”

You smile through the pain in your heart. You really didn’t want to go out and drink, but Marci insisted, and because you were new in town, you really couldn’t say no. You might as well get to know your new city. “Why’s that?”

“The guys here are gorgeous. The ladies, too,” Marci points out. “You’ll find someone to get lucky with tonight.”

“I, uh, I'm actually swearing off from all dating.”

“Ooh, messy breakup?”

“Very.”

“What happened?” Marci prods. She graciously accepts her drink from the bartender before you both head to a table to talk.

“I was engaged to someone,” you begin after downing half of your drink. “High-school sweethearts. We were together in high school and then broke up shortly before we started college. In true fashion of my hometown, we both moved back and got back together. They proposed two years ago, and we were supposed to get married about a month ago. He cheated on me, though. I left and moved here to try to get away. I’m not ready to date anyone right now.”

“Hey, no worries. That person was a jack-ass, but let’s just get drunk and have fun, yeah?”

You nod in approval. Getting drunk and having fun was something you wouldn’t mind doing. You couldn’t get drunk back home because all the snickers and whispers and looks you’d get were too horrendous to live through.

A few hours into the night, Marci makes her way over to someone she finds interesting and leaves you at the table by yourself. You normally wouldn’t like sitting alone in a bar, but sitting at that table with a cold drink in your hands watching your only friend in Raleigh have fun was enjoyable. It was similar to something you’d do back at home, and it felt nice to feel comfortable in something so familiar.

That silence and aloneness didn’t last long as a brunette with piercing eyes sat at the empty seat at your table. You don’t say anything as you smirk into your drink and you ignore the man who took the seat. You’re staring ahead at anything but him; you can tell, however, that he wasn’t used to this reaction. From what you can deduce, this guy seems to get people to grasp his attention immediately once he seats. You didn’t want anything from him, so you weren’t going to give him any satisfaction he was looking for.

“Hi,” he finally says with a shaky breath. He was not having whatever this treatment was.

“I’ve decided to quit dating, so if that’s what you’re here for, then you can leave,” you blatantly state. You weren’t going to have any part of what he wanted from you.

“Oh,” he says with an edge to his voice. “So, I can’t ask, ‘why is such a pretty person sitting by themselves?’”

“Mm,” you say with a smile and sparkle in your eye. He’s a charmer, okay then.

“Or, ‘can I get a picture of you, so Santa knows what I want for Christmas this year,’” he continues.

“You may, but it won’t mean anything.”

“Okay, well, I’m Andrei, and if you don’t want to go on a date with me, then how about friends, yeah?”

“Andrei,” you say slowly before introducing yourself. He repeats your name as you did with his but in a mocking tone.

“Now, why are you so against dating?”

“I had a really bad breakup, and I’m not ready to open myself back up.”

“Fair enough,” Andrei says. “Well, this means then we’ll be the best of friends.”

“Are you sure? I’m like pretty broken,” you point out.

“Nothing wrong with broken,” Andrei says with a bright smile.

“Maybe not,” you answer with a small smile and take a sip of your drink. Maybe the move did have some positives.

Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes And never really had a chance My mistake, I didn't know to be in love You had to fight to have the upper hand I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings, now I know

“And this is where I live,” you tell Andrei as you open the door to your apartment. When you both step in and take off your shoes, Andrei just bursts out into laughter. “What?”

“This is the most uniform and least personalized apartment known to humanity,” Andrei explains. He looks around your apartment and can’t help but find it funny.

“Look, when I moved here, I just needed an apartment fast, and an already furnished apartment was just what I needed.”

“Do you have any ability to, I don’t know, change anything?”

“I’m allowed to move furniture around and stuff, and if I want to change any furniture, I just put these ones into the basement. I think I can put up decor and stuff. If it makes you feel any better, I bought all my own kitchen appliances.”

“That really doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“I’m sorry. What do you want—”

“Get your computer,” Andrei commands. You furrow your eyebrows and just head to your work bag and pull out your computer. Once it’s open and turned on, you turn to Andrei who motions for you to sit. “Open Ikea.”

“Like a store?”

“No, the website,” Andrei says, exasperated. “Oh, this is going to go great.”

“Hey, don’t blame me,” you defend. “I have no idea what’s happening right now.”

“We’re going to make your apartment a little bit more you,” Andrei explains. “I’m sure you can find some lamp shades or a chair or something you like on Ikea. Or, we can go to a different website. Target or HomeGoods or something.”

“Why don’t we just go into an actual store?”

“I don’t want to go into a store,” Andrei whines.

“So you’re going to make me spend all this money on home decor, but you won’t let me do it the way I want?”

“Who said you were paying for it?”

“Because it’s my apartment?” you say as if it were obvious.

“This will be my welcoming gift for you,” Andrei states. “Whatever, can you just open the websites so we can shop?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you say and open the Ikea website. You click on the decorative accessories and begin to scroll through the items.

“Oh, what about this one?” Andrei immediately says when he sees this piece.

“Why the hell would I need a wooden, decorative hand, Andrei?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s cool!”

“Nope, we’re going to keep scrolling,” you state and continue scrolling through the website.

“I like this one,” Andrei interrupts again after only seconds when he sees a different piece.

“My goodness, Andrei, no way am I having this in my apartment.”

“It’s amazing. Oh, you should buy it!”

“Moving on,” you say and continue scrolling. This was going to be such a long process. When you don’t find anything you like under these filters, you find a different filter and continue to scroll through the Ikea website. “I’m going to go to Target. I don’t like anything here.”

“Okay,” Andrei says and carefully observes as you type in the new website. He never knew that something like typing a website into a computer could be so endearing. Lightly shaking his head, Andrei knows that he has to find a way to calm his thoughts to continue being your friend. He wasn’t going to push you in any way that you weren’t ready. Leaning back against the chair, Andrei rests his arm across the back of your chair as you begin to scroll through the “Home Decor” category. The action sends shivers down your spine as you try to concentrate on the computer screen in front of you.

“I could use some blankets,” you remark as you click on the “Cozy Shop” filter and open it in a new window.

“Or poufs,” Andrei says when he notices the category. Following his words, you open the poufs link into a new tab. You start to scroll through the “Cozy Shop” and try to find something in your apartment that’s a “bit more like you”, as Andrei said.

After scrolling through the Target decor section, you end up with three blankets, three pillows, and a pouf. Once you’re ready to enter your credit card information, you reach for your wallet, but you pause when you hear the scratching of your computer being moved against the table.

“Andrei,” you say when you realize he’s going to pay for the decor.

“You heard what I said,” he immediately states. “It’s a gift to you, okay? No questions asked and no arguing.”

You nod and thank him. Now, with all the new additions to your apartment, you would always have a personalized touch but also a reminder of Andrei—the one who is making your move to Raleigh seem better.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now it's too late for you and your white horse To come around

“Are you sure you’re allowed to do this?” you question as you watch Andrei unlock the doors to his usual entrance to PNC Arena.

“No, yes, maybe, I don’t know,” Andrei says with his familiar cheeky smile. You look into his eyes and see the teasing lit in his eyes.

“If I get in trouble, I swear Andrei, I will no longer be your friend.”

“You’re such a goody-two-shoes sometimes; you know that?” Andrei teases. You roll your eyes as Andrei opens the door. “I got the key from a trainer. When I told them you’ve had a pathetic time here in Raleigh, they immediately offered up an empty tour of the arena.”

“There’s no one here?”

“Not a single soul except for you and me,” Andrei answers and takes your hand. He pulls you into the building and begins to show you around the training facilities on game day. In each room, he takes you in and points to everything that he’s used. After going through the training facilities and the locker room, Andrei leads you to the ice where you both take a seat at the bench.

“Wow, from down here, this place is huge.”

Andrei glances down at you as you take in the expanse of the arena. He knows, he knows that you don’t want a relationship with anyone at this moment, but the way you’re taking in everything with wide eyes, Andrei can’t help fall for you even more.

“How do you not get overwhelmed when this place is packed with fans?” you question. “I mean, I’m overwhelmed just sitting here with you and there aren’t any fans here.”

Andrei shrugs. “Maybe because this was always a dream for me? I always dreamed of playing in a stadium with tons of people. The noise and the atmosphere always excited me. Every time I step foot on the ice or sit on the bench and I hear the loud cheers, it’s exhilarating. Every time, I get chills, and it’s crazy because I get to live out my childhood dream.”

You smile. “You’re cute, you know that?”

“I mean, yeah, I know, but what prompted that?”

“Your speech, your words. It’s cute.”

Andrei wraps his arm around your shoulder. “Is your time in Raleigh just a little bit better?”

“Yeah, it is,” you answer with a smile. So much better.

And there you are on your knees Begging for forgiveness, begging for me Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

“You know how we were supposed to hang out?” Andrei blurts through the phone even before you give a greeting.

“Yeah, why?” you say as you pull into Andrei’s apartment’s parking garage. You stop in front of the gate and wait for the remainder of his words before you buzz him to get him to open the gates.

“Some of my teammates are over, and they can be a little much sometimes. I don’t want to overwhelm you. You know, I thought they would have left by now, you know, the time we were supposed to hang out, but they haven’t left yet. I don’t know if I’ll be able to kick them out. They’ll start asking about why I’m kicking them out, and I’ll have to tell them. Then, they’ll start teasing you and think we’re dating which is the exact opposite of what you wanted. Maybe it’s best if we just—”

“Andrei,” you interrupt his babbling.

“Right, you should be able to have a say in all this.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll just drive home, okay? We can meet up another time.”

“Wait, you’re already here? Now I feel bad. Just give me a moment, and I’ll ask the guys if they’re okay with you joining us.”

“Andrei, it’s okay,” you tell him, but you know your words fell onto deaf ears. His phone is probably sitting on a table or something where Andrei abandoned it to go ask his teammates if they’re okay with you hanging out, too. Honestly, Andrei’s ramble just moments prior was endearing, it was cute, and it made your heart flutter knowing that he cared enough to have all those thoughts.

“They said they’re okay with you coming up,” he tells you before he lowers his voice to a whisper. “They’ve all started with the questions asking if we’re dating and the teasing, so if you want, I can tell them to lay off it.”

“Andrei?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. Just buzz me up so I can get into the parking garage, and we’ll take it from there.”

“Okay,” Andrei answers, hesitantly. He says a quick goodbye and hangs up the phone. Six minutes later, though, you’re still sitting outside the parking garage gate waiting for Andrei to buzz you inside. Did he forget? You get your answer a few minutes later through a phone call from Andrei. “Hey, where are you?”

“Waiting for you to unlock the gate?” you say with a tinge of annoyance.

“Oh, shit, sorry,” Andrei answers. You hear a few giggles on the other end of the phone and a voice saying “damn, Andrei, pull it together.”

You’re welcomed into his apartment a few minutes later after parking your car and taking the elevator up to his place.

“So, you’re the person who’s been taking up all of Andrei’s time recently,” Sebastian says after Andrei introduced you to everyone.

“I guess? How many other friends does Andrei have who just moved to Raleigh after a broken engagement?”

“Oh, you’re the tenth this year,” Teuvo jokes.

“And here I thought I was special,” you continue to joke and turn to Andrei with a cheeky grin.

“I hate this so much right now,” Andrei grumbles to himself as he brings you a glass of water. You thank him with a pat on his thigh when he takes the seat on his couch next to you.

“Why? We found our new best friend. What could you possibly hate about that?” Martin teases which elicits Andrei’s face to grow red.

You lean your head towards Andrei’s ear and whisper, “if you want me to stop teasing, I can.”

If possible, Andrei’s face goes even more red at your proximity. He doesn’t need to look at his friends to know that they’re all giving him smirks and knowing glances. Yeah, Andrei continues to stare at his glass of water sitting on the coaster (you forced him to buy) on the coffee table. “You’re good,” he mutters in response. You soothingly rub your hand on his thigh which only flusters Andrei even more.

“Let’s put on a movie,” Sebastian interrupts when he sees Andrei’s face and flustered state.

“Good idea,” Andrei says and immediately bolts up to grab the remotes. Thankfully, you don’t notice how hastily he got up from his seat next to you because everyone else in the room noticed how fast Andrei got up. He was always a calm, cool, and collected person, but around you, it seemed, he was the exact opposite. Andrei could deny his feelings for you all he wants, but anyone with eyes —even without 20/20 vision—can see the effect you have on Andrei. It was scary how one moment, Andrei was smiley, and the next he could barely open his mouth to get a sentence out.

Once the group settles on a movie, Andrei takes his seat next to you and casually rests his arm on the top of the couch above your shoulders. Everyone notices with ease how easy it was for you and Andrei to settle into that position and comfort. Like an old married couple. That’s how easy and casual it was for you both to settle into that position. One would call it cuddling but in public.

Although you and Andrei weren’t dating, it was obvious there was something there. How long until one or both of you realized it? Would it be too late when you both came to the realization, or would someone get hurt?

'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale I'm gonna find someone someday Who might actually treat me well This is a big world, that was a small town

“This take-out better be as good as you say it is,” you say as the smell of Andrei’s favorite Malaysian restaurant fills the entire elevator.

“It is,” Andrei says. “My teammates brought me this food when I first moved here. Trust me; you will love it.”

“I hope it tastes as good as it smells,” you say as you both exit the elevator.

“Here, let me grab that for you.” Andrei grabs the bag from your hand as you both walk towards your apartment.

“No, I’ve got it.” You pull the bag away from Andrei’s grasp.

“Uh-uh, nope,” Andrei teases and reaches for the bag. When he can’t grab the bag, he begins to tickle you. The tickles erupt laughter from you as you both continue to walk down the hall to your apartment. You’re telling Andrei to stop as you try to reach for your keys in your pocket. Just as you lift your head to get ready to unlock the door, someone standing there sends shock waves through your entire body. “What’s wrong?”

“Leave,” you tell them as you shove the take-out bag into Andrei’s hand. “I don’t want you here.”

“Babe, come on,” your ex-fiance tells you. “It’s time to get back to our old lives.”

“Our old lives ended when you cheated on me with half the town,” you bitterly spit. At those words, Andrei realizes that this is your ex-fiance, and he immediately gets protective over you.

“Come on. Let’s just go talk this out,” they insist.

“Hey, they said to leave, so go!” Andrei yells.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” the ex-fiance yells before turning back to you. “Let’s go get coffee and talk.”

“No, you and I ended a long time ago. I want you gone.”

Your ex-fiance shakes their head and gets down on their knees. “Babe, please. Come on. We can work this out. Don’t give up on us.” They take your hand in theirs and continue to beg for another chance. You stare down at them in distaste. You wanted their hands off of you, and you wanted them gone from your life. All your life, you thought about what it would be like for someone to want you so badly that they beg for you. Now that it’s happened, though, you don’t want it to be the person currently doing that.

Andrei places his hand on your shoulder as a sign that he’s there. You turn to him, and the world stops immediately once your eyes rest on his. He was the one you wanted. He was the one who you loved and wanted to start forever with. It was Andrei, not them. It was always going to be Andrei.

“Get up,” you tell your ex. They get up as you said, thinking it was a good sign. “I want you out and gone. Get out of my city.”

“No, babe, don’t do this.”

“They told you to leave,” Andrei says and pushes your ex out of the way. You and Andrei walk into your apartment and ignore your ex still standing there. “You dated that doofus?”

You laugh. “Unfortunately.”

“I hate that they hurt you like that, but I’m so glad you moved here.”

You smile at the man in front of you. “Yeah, me too.”

Everything would be okay, now, because you had Andrei and you were home.

There in my rear-view mirror disappearing now And it's too late for you and your white horse Now it's too late for you and your white horse To catch me now

“What’s the plan for today?” Andrei asks when he walks into your apartment. He plops himself on your couch next to you as you’re flipping through the channels.

“Just hang out,” you say.

“Okay,” Andrei answers and grabs the blanket sitting over the side of the couch and lays it across his lap. You scoot over to him and lean into his side. Very vaguely, you hear Andrei make a sharp intake of his breath. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion but continue to stare ahead at the television. He’s been doing that a lot, you recollect. Every time you would go near him, Andrei would go red in the face or suddenly take a sharp intake of his breath. You want to question him, but you know that it wasn’t the time to do so.

“So,” Andrei begins but says nothing else.

“So,” you repeat, not sure where he was going with his words. He doesn’t say anything after you, so you assume the conversation is over and turn back and pay attention to the show you’re watching.

“Have you, you know, actually, never mind.”

“No, no tell me; I want to know,” you insist.

“No, it’s stupid and ridiculous.”

“Oh, please, Andrei. Nothing you say could be stupid and ridiculous.”

“Have you decided to start dating again?” Andrei asks.

“I haven’t really thought about it,” you remark. You haven’t thought about it because you’re hoping that Andrei would ask you out.

“Oh,” he responds, crestfallen. “Do you know when you will think about it?”

“I guess when the right person comes my way,” you state. “Why do you ask?”

“Do you think you’ve met the right person?”

“What’s with all the questions, Andrei?” you tease. “Is there someone you have in mind for me?”

“I was, uh, I was hoping I could be the one to ask you out,” Andrei blurts out. He turns to face you. “I know you had a lot of shit to figure out when you moved back here, and I hope that I was able to help you with that. I know you only wanted me as a friend, but I still fell in love with you. I’m not telling you that anything has to come from this, but I need you to know because I need to know if there’s a chance in the future. I love you more than you could ever know.”

You meet Andrei’s hopeful eyes. His eyes were laced with hope and happiness and love, while yours were laced with question and confusion. You were shocked at the news, but it elated you. When Andrei’s eyes furrow at your expression, you know how happy you are wasn’t displayed.

“I’m going to head out,” Andrei tells you remorsefully. “I’ll catch up with you another time, okay? I love you.”

Your eyes stare as Andrei walks away and out of your apartment. You were shocked, and that shock translated to you not knowing what to do. It took you a moment to realize what was happening before you bolted up from your chair and ran after Andrei.

“Hey, Andrei?” you call out from your doorway. He turns from where he’s walking down the hallway and gives you a small, knowing smile. You close and lock your door before you run down the hallway to meet him. You lace your hand in his and say, “I love you, too.”

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa Try and catch me now, oh It's too late To catch me now

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Please let me know what you think!

[4evamc]

Misha Tweets

Transcript

Ed Levine: Welcome to Special Sauce 2.0. Serious Eats podcast about food and life. Every week on Special Sauce we begin with Ask Kenji, where Kenji Lopez-Alt, Serious Eats Chief Culinary Consultant, gives the definitive answer to the question of the week that a serious eater like you has sent us.

J. Kenji Lopez-Alt: Generally, sort of like delicate leafy herbs like cilantro, parsley, basil, they tend to not be very good in their dried counterparts. Thyme, rosemary, oregano, they actually work pretty well in their dried forms.

EL: After Ask Kenji, a conversation with our guest, today in house, Misha Collins. He is, of course, an actor best known for his role as the angel, Castiel. Did I pronounce that right?

Misha Collins: Castiel.

EL: On the CW television series Supernatural, and has now written with his wife Vicki Collins, The Adventurous Eaters Club: Mastering the Art of Family Meal Time.

EL: Now it's time to meet Misha Collins. He's, of course, an actor best known for his role as the angel, Castiel?

Misha Collins: Castiel.

EL: On the CW television series Supernatural, which has had an insane run, right? It's like 2008 to 2019.

MC: Yeah, we're in our 15th season right now.

EL: That never happens.

MC: No, it doesn't. I don't know why they kept us on the air.

EL: Collins is also the co-founder and board president of Random Acts, a nonprofit organization dedicated to funding and inspiring acts of kindness around the world. He's also a published poet. Very impressive dude.

MC: Thank you.

EL: And has now written with his wife Vicky Collins, The Adventurous Eaters Club: Mastering the Art of Family Meal Time. So welcome to Special Sauce, Misha.

MC: I'm very happy to be here.

EL: So the first question I always ask, in your case it's particularly relevant, is tell us about life at your family table growing up. Your family table was not exactly traditional.

MC: That is true. I was raised by a single mom. My parents separated when I was three years old and I visited my father on every other weekend for most of my childhood, but he wasn't really a cornerstone of my upbringing. But my mother and my brother and our dog were a very tight family unit, and we lived in Western Massachusetts primarily growing up and moved a lot. We were in a new home I would say on average once every nine months or so. I think I lived in 15 places by the time I was 15.

EL: So you were like an Army brat, only you were a different kind of brat.

MC: Right. An Army brat without the parents building up a pension plan.

EL: Right.

MC: Another thing I think that an Army brat family has is a cadre possibly, of other kids that are going through the same experience, and I was generally going to a new school every year and meeting kids that were in fairly stable childhoods and who knew one another and who were familiar with the school, so I was always approaching schools and new towns-

EL: You were the permanent new kid.

MC: Yeah, with a little bit of trepidation, and trying to figure out how I could ingratiate myself to the new communities and the new schools. My mother was very eccentric and iconoclastic. She talked about the revolution a lot. I was born in 1974, and we lived through a tumultuous political time in our country, and she didn't want to have us grow up being conventional young men, so she would do things like dress me up in pink tights and paint my nails and send me off to Cub Scouts. Which I think in 2020 might actually fly, but in a working class community in Massachusetts, when you show up at Cub Scouts in the boys' locker room with nail polish and long hair-

EL: Not so much.

MC: And pink tights, you're ostracized. So, I kind of had to find a way to blend in and disappear a little bit as a kid in new schools, and I think that it built a lot of character in a lot of ways, and made me more resilient and adaptable and independent than I otherwise would have been. But at the same time, there's a certain lack of stable foundation that was challenging.

EL: I had not the same kinds of travails in my own childhood, but you do become resilient and eminently adaptable, but it also has a cost. It exacts a cost that you can't deal with as you're going through it, but you almost have to deal with it at some point in order to really resolve some of the issues that came out of it, I assume.

MC: Yeah. I'm sure you've found the same thing, but I feel like I'm a 45-year-old man and I'm still discovering things and unpacking them and repairing them, I think. There are definitely things that you take away from a childhood like that that give you real strength.

One of the things that I love about my childhood is that I know that you don't need money to be happy and you can get by on just about nothing, and that gives you, I think, quite a bit of power going into the world because you don't feel beholden to the comforts of ... I don't feel beholden to the comforts of money. I'm okay with scarcity. At the same time, I don't know that I was really terribly good at connecting with people or making friends, and I probably still struggle with that.

EL: Yeah. So, you wrote this amazing piece in The Times, and you wrote that “times were often lean, but one luxury we always had an abundance was food, even if it came by the five finger discount. My mother taught me how to steal peaches from the Stop and Shop grocery store when I was four. We were stealing from the man. It was a justified rebellion against an unjust system.”

EL: So, whoa. Okay, those sentences made me stop in my tracks. That's pretty intense. I was actually thinking about this movie, Shoplifters. I don't if you've ever seen it.

MC: Oh yeah. Yeah.

EL: Because in there the father figure, who turns out not to be the father, teaches the kids how to steal so they can eat. And so, wow. I mean, talk about that. Talk about getting conflicting messages from your mother. It's like, whoa.

MC: It's funny, because now hearing you read that, it paints a portrait of a parent who was raising children without a moral compass, and I think that was not at all the case. This was righteous rebellion. We were stealing ... We would never have stolen from the local co-op, but this was from a corporate entity, and these corporations were out to exploit the proletariat. I actually felt the exhilaration of feeling like I was part of a rebellion at that point, and frankly indoctrinated into that at a really young age. At the age of four, I was aware that it was us against them. We were the little guys and that we had a justice on our side. At the same time, it's a complicated thing to be training a little four year old how to steal.

MC: I have a very distinct memory of the fruit island in the Stop and Shop, and me grabbing a peach. This was the first time that I remember ever shoplifting anything. I grabbed the peach and then I ducked down behind the island, and my mother said, "No, no, no, no, no. You can't do it like that. You have to take it. You have to be very calm. You have to not look around. You can't show that you're distressed at all or that you're nervous, and then you put it in your backpack." Then we would go up to the cash register and we would pay for some of the groceries, so that we were distracting them, and then scoot out the door.

EL: And you just, I assume, felt that there was nothing particularly abnormal about this because you had nothing to compare it to.

MC: Right. Yeah, this was my normal.

EL: Yeah. You weren't stealing from somebody or something that needed the money, you were stealing as part of an ethos. Right?

MC: Right.

EL: As part of like, this is the way we work the system to fight the man.

MC: Right, precisely. Yeah.

EL: You also wrote, and I'm going to quote a couple of more sentences from the piece because it was so beautiful, "My upbringing taught me you didn't need money to be happy, that you didn't have to play by the rules, that the whole world was just begging to be explored. But now by the hindsight of fatherhood and from the comfort of a therapist's couch, I see that while my childhood had been rife with adventure, it also had been lonely and frightening and wanting." So you were always reconciling those two things, weren't you?

MC: I wouldn't say I was always reconciling them, because as a child I struggled at times. I felt sad and lonely, but I didn't think that it was because of my childhood.

EL: Got it.

MC: I thought my childhood was full of adventure, and I was proud of my childhood. Up until when I was 25 I don't think I looked back on it and thought that there had been any damage done by that.

EL: Right, and that there was anything dysfunctional about it.

MC: Right. And on balance, my childhood was incredibly ... I think I had a secure attachment with my mother. My mother was there. She was loving. She never failed to convey that love to me and my brother. So she served as my anchor emotionally, and that was unfailing. But because the rest of our life was so fractured and so nomadic, she was my only anchor.

EL: Yeah, because as you said, how do you establish connections with any kids when you're moving every few months?

MC: Right, and when you're showing up at school in pink tights at a working class school you're also getting alienated by your peers, and so the other kids actually ended up being kind of frightening to me.

EL: I read your Wikipedia page, and somehow you escaped and you ended up at a prep school, Northfield Mount Hermon, and then the University of Chicago. What a narrative your life has been. How did that happen?

MC: Now that you're asking the question, I'm reflecting on it possibly for the first time. But one thing that I know happened as a result of my childhood and and partly as a result of feeling like I wasn't fitting in with other kids, is that I was a smart kid and I could win the favor of my teachers. So when I was in school, I did very well in school. It was like the thing I could throw myself into and be safe and get some accolades.

EL: Some positive feedback.

MC: And some positive reinforcement. So I did well in school, and we lived in the town of Northfield for a little while, which was where Northfield Mount Hermon is. They had a program that had been implemented from the inception of the school where local day students could get pretty much a full ride if they were in need, and we were in need, so I could go to a fancy high school for free as a day student. Then I ended up basically getting the same deal at the University of Chicago.

EL: Amazing.

MC: Yeah. At the time, I thought I was going to go into politics, so I was sort of on a very clear path. And that wanting to go into politics was also born of my childhood and of my mother talking about politics all the time, and making me and my brother very aware of the plight of people in need in our country and around the world. It felt like that was the right place for me.

EL: Yeah. Again, and this is the final sentences I'm going to read from the Times piece, because it gets us back to food. Which is, "I recently found an old journal in a box in the back of my closet, and on the page from a decade ago where I had taken inventory of the good and bad of my upbringing the word cooking is circled and underlined with urgency in the plus column, as if I was thinking that food had been the cornerstone of happiness in my youth." Elaborate on that. I mean, that's an amazing statement.

MC: I think as a nomadic family, we moved around and we brought with us what we could, and in terms of material objects, there was very little that was a through line. But we did bring with us from place to place the tradition of sitting down for family meals every night.

EL: Even if you were in a teepee or in a park.

MC: Right. Even if we were sitting on a log in the woods in the rain, we would be sitting down and eating together. There were no distractions. There was never a television on, and there was no coercion in getting to the dinner table. There was no question about it. Not because it was an edict from an authority figure, but because we all just coalesced around dinner and loved it.

EL: You needed it.

MC: Yeah.

EL: It was a permanent form of glue for the family, right?

MC: Yeah. It really was important to us. We would go spend Christmas with my mother's mother, my grandmother, and she was a cook as well, and food was a centerpiece of that family interaction. And for me now that I have kids, I notice that when I'm feeling like a guilty or absent father, the way that I most quickly show my affection and love for my kids is I just make them food. It's like the way that I know to convey to a child everything's safe, everything's okay, and I love you.

EL: Yeah. But in 21st century America, and maybe all around the world, it's hard to do that, right? There are lots of pressures that are forcing people not to eat together.

MC: Right.

EL: Both parents are working, kids are all over the place. But you obviously, I think as a result of your upbringing, it was important when you had a family and a wife that you made that same time for dinner.

MC: Yeah. It feels very important to me. I think sometimes I'm actually kind of maybe forcing my agenda of cooking on my kids. Like, "Come on guys, let's make something in the kitchen." A lot of times they want to go outside and I want to work in the kitchen, and I have to check myself and say, "Okay, we'll go play a little bit of soccer first before we get to canning the pears."

EL: Right. Because the act of eating a meal and preparing it is imbued with so much more meaning for you than it is for them.

MC: Yeah, I think that's true. Yeah.

EL: So you end up being an actor, and I'm just assuming that like all actors, you struggled for many years before you found yourself on the set of Supernatural. So, tell us in a few sentences the arc of your acting career.

MC: Well as I mentioned earlier, my intention after college was to go into politics. I interned at the White House and I got a job at NPR in Washington, DC, and I was really disappointed with what I saw at the White House, and I thought, "Oh God, I have to come up with a whole new plan here." I thought it was going to be the best and the brightest minds under one roof. This was the Clinton administration. And instead what I found was the halls were filled with people who were sycophants, whose parents had donated money to the campaign. They were all yaysayers. There was no real discourse about political ideas, which of course is actually what you need in an administration. You need people who are going to be in lock step and are going to support your decisions, but I was too young and naive to know that.

So when I saw it, I thought, "This is not for me." I thought, "I will try to find another way that I can have an impact." I think there's a lot of hubris in this, but I thought, "I know what I'll do. I'll become an actor. I'll get famous and then I'll parlay my celebrity into some sort of political influence."

EL: Oh, because that happens all the time.

MC: Right. I mean really, really completely naive, and totally full of myself. Then I moved to LA and I thought it was going to take a couple of years to attain a certain level-

EL: To become rich and famous.

MC: To be rich and famous. And it took a long time to become-

EL: It took a decade, probably.

MC: To become moderately comfortable and a C-list celebrity. But somewhere along the line I stopped thinking about that end goal of I'm on this path so that I can have influence, blah blah blah, and I just started becoming an actor, and I was just acting for the sake of acting and not for this aspirational, high-minded goal.

Then a couple of years ago we got a new president, and that lit a fire under me. It was actually during the campaign when I started to think, "Oh, Trump might get elected. Oh, this is serious," and then my C-list celebrity started to come into play and I thought, "All right, well I can use the platform that I have."

EL: By the way, I think it's at least B-minus, okay?

MC: Well you, as everyone knows, grade on a curve, so thank you for your charity. In a strange way it feels to me a little bit like it's come full circle, and now that the show's ending and after 15 seasons I'm asking the question, "Okay, how can I be of use in the world?" I don't know what's next for me. I don't know if I spend a lot of time on television sets after this or not. I'm trying to do some soul searching and figure out what I really want to be when I grow up. But that's, in a nutshell, my path.

EL: It's an amazing path, and you accomplished much more as an actor than almost any actor I know. To be a working actor and to have made some money doing it is actually an incredible accomplishment, and maybe it's to the resilience you discovered you had in your childhood.

MC: Yeah, I think possibly. I think obviously there's a lot of dumb luck that comes into play. It's not my fault that the show that I'm on has been on for 15 seasons or has the devoted fan base that it has.

EL: There are conventions for Supernatural. I notice this-

MC: We have conventions. There are tattoos with face on them. I mean, it's hard not to be full of yourself in this context. But yeah, we have a really, really devoted fan base, and it's quite remarkable to be a part of.

What was it? I think it was Freakonomics at one point. Maybe it was in the book Freakonomics, but they said that pursuing a career in acting is like pursuing a career as a drug dealer. It's very, very difficult to be one of the kingpins, to be successful in the field.

EL: Right.

MC: The odds are so bad that it takes a certain personality that's defective that wants to even pursue that in the first place, because 99 out of 100 people are going to fail at that and then you're just going to be a low level street corner drug dealer, or barely getting food on your table as a background actor.

EL: Yeah. Well Misha, we have to leave it right here for this episode of Special Sauce, but you're going to stick around and tell us all about your two terrific kids, West and Maison.

MC: We just say Mason.

EL: West and Mason.

MC: Yes, we anglicize the French spelling.

EL: And your wife Vicki, and your family collaboration on The Adventurous Eaters Club. Thank you for spending so much time with us on Special Sauce.

MC: Thank you so much for having me, and I can't wait to talk about the book.

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