#you've probably forgotten you've ever sent this

[delaber]

Warrior/Worrier (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Summary: After a mission gone awry, Bucky finds himself on your doorstep in the middle of the night.

Words: 5.3K

Fluff, fluff and fluff and a lil bit of angst. Classic hurt/comfort and friends to lovers

Through the darkness, there's a knock on your bedroom door, so soft, so cautious, that if you hadn't already been half-awake, you're not sure you would've caught it.

Legs quickly swung over the side of your mattress, you stop and focus at a fixpoint in your moonlit room.

According to the big mission schedule hung in Steve's office, you should be the only one at the compound, so you cannot for the life in you figure out who would rap on your door at 3.30 in the morning, but it wasn't just something you'd imagined because there it is again. A knock, not much louder than before, but definitely there.

For a brief second, your foggy brain ponders that it's likely someone who's been sent to kill you in the dead of night, but before you've even reached for your bedside Beretta, rationality reminds you that they probably wouldn't have had the curtesy to knock first - and then it dawns on you.

"Nat," you sigh with a roll of your eyes and let your bare feet hit the floor while you rub the sleep from off your face. It's not the first time she's forgotten the lock combination to her room after post-mission drinks.

Slowly, you walk across the cold floorboards and over to the wooden door where you can hear ragged breathing from the other side of the wall. Hand lazily pulling the door open, you start talking before you've seen who's on the other side.

"It's only four digits and you're panic breathing?" you chuckle but is immediately taken aback when you're not met by Natasha but instead by your best friend. "...Buck?"

He's back from his mission a day earlier than you'd expected and you're just about to crack a witty comment on how you'd told him that Sam couldn't stand to be alone with him for more than thirty-six hours, but then you notice the state he's in.

His entire body is slumped over as he clutches his right arm tight to his chest, eyes droopy and blank, cheekbones dotted by freckles of soot and framed by thick strands of auburn hair caked in dried blood. "Doll," he breathes painfully and takes a step closer, looking only mildly relieved to see you.

"Buck!" you hiss in fear and grab both his cheeks, but his dirty face just drops further, and he can't even look at you though you're standing mere inches apart.

"I know it's late," he mumbles with his gaze downcast, "but can I come in?"

It's as if you don't hear him clearly enough to respond. His voice is under water and at the same time layers above you while you're far too concerned with every look of horror splashed across his handsome face, your hands frantically clutching his bloodied cheeks as you desperately search his eyes though he still won't look at you. "What happened? Where's all this blood coming from?"

"It's - it's not mine..." he croaks with a small shake of his head.

Fear ripples through your entire body one more time and you can barely speak as you imagine the worst possible scenario that might have caused Bucky to behave like this. "Is it... Sam?" you whimper with tears already burning in your eyes, fighting the urge to throw up.

"He's fine," Bucky quickly interrupts with a small nod, "I dropped him off at his girl's place twenty minutes ago," he croaks and finally looks up at you, his eyes more broken than you've ever seen them before. It makes your heart crack in two. "Sweetheart, can I please come in?"

"Oh god," you pant anxiously and reluctantly let your fingers slide off his cheeks as you step to the side and finally let him inside your bedroom. "Yes, yes of course you can come in."

Immediately, he's on your bed, his face buried in his vibranium hand as the pads of his fingers start rubbing circles over his dusty forehead.

"What happened?" you barely manage to croak as you sit down beside him and carefully place a hand on his rigid thigh. "Last time I heard from you, everything was going according to plan."

"I don't want to talk about it," he gulps and starts rubbing his face even more agitatedly, looking over at you with an apologetic look on his face. "- not right now... I just had to see you. I'm sorry I woke you up."

You grab his vibranium hand and bring it down to his lap to get him to stop his frantic movements and he immediately squeezes you tight, letting out another heart-breaking sob.

"It's okay, Buck. I'm glad you're here."

Over the last year, you've seen Bucky on his darkest days a handful of times, and he usually has the same look on his face, but this time, it's different. It's deeper. Despondent and morose, the anger that's usually posessing him om the bleaker days replaced by a different kind of sadness.

Something really bad must've happened...

"Do you wanna sleep in here tonight?" you ask, unsure how to tackle this the best way possible if you don't want him to shield himself off in his room the way he usually does when he's not feeling his best. He shouldn't be alone under any circumstances.

You're half expecting him to protest, but to your surprise he starts nodding, relieved. "Thank you," he whispers and squeezes your hand tight again.

You make an attempt at a comforting touch as you brush over the soot on his cheeks, making a strand of dirty hair dipped in dried blood fall from his forehead. "You want a shower? I can draw you a bath."

He nods again.

"Come on, love," you say quietly and watch as he gulps hard at the sound of the tender pet-name that you've been wanting to call him for months now but haven't had the guts to say out loud until it accidentally slips past your lips. Surprisingly, you're not even embarrassed by yourself. You suppose there are more important things to worry about than an accidental profession of love in a moment of gentle affection.

Bucky seems taken aback too, frozen, and full of wonder, but he shakes it off and lets you pull him to your small bathroom, accepting your fluffiest towel without a word as he continues staring at you.

"I'll be just outside, okay?" you say reassuringly as you turn on the water in your bathtub, making sure it's the right temperature before putting in the drain stopper.

He's still looking at you with huge eyes, flesh arm clutched to his chest while the fluffy white towel gently supports his elbow. You silently wonder if he's hurt but before you can ask him, he speaks.

"Can you... stay?" He asks quietly, biting his inner cheek, unsure if his request is too much.

Still, it's your turn to be taken aback. You and Bucky are close but not like that. 

"Stay?" you instinctively furrow your eyebrows, "while you shower?

He immediately clenches his jaw shut and shakes his head while small patches of pink appear on his cheeks underneath all the dirt. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

"No, no it's okay," you quickly stand up from your position by the tub spout so you're once again levelled. "- I was just surprised, that's all," you want to smack yourself for making him doubt himself. "Of course I'll stay."

Ice blue irises slowly find yours while the rose tint of his lower lip is being pulled between his teeth. "Are you sure?" he hesitates while sucking in some air, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable..."

"You're not," you touch your hand to his sternum to underline your words and watches as the crease between his eyebrows slowly reduces as he gradually relaxes under your touch. You can't help but think that even through all the dust and the grime, he looks incredibly beautiful.

"Let me give you some privacy," you unwillingly let go of him and turn away so he can undress in peace.

From behind you, you can hear the ruffle of his tac pants being pushed down his legs before the belt buckle clangs loudly against the tiles of the floor. It's followed by a series of loud painful grunts and hisses a few seconds later.

"Are you okay?" you ask and turn your head to the side, careful not to look directly at him as to not break the trust he put in you when he asked you to stay. "Buck?"

"Yeah, sweetheart," he sighs in embarrassment behind you, "it's just... do you think you could... help me?"

You turn around slowly to find him standing in the middle of the bathroom still wearing his torn t-shirt and Kevlar vest, bare-legged in boxer shorts and black socks pulled high up on his calf while his pants are lying crumbled on the floor beside him. He's awkwardly shifting the weight between his two feet, still clutching his right arm tightly. "It's my elbow."

Immediately, you furrow your eyebrows and walk over to him, taking his right hand in yours. "Yeah, I meant to ask you earlier. What happened?"

He doesn't answer but just silently lets you examine the swelling and black-purple skin that's half-hidden underneath dust and blood.

"Shit," you breathe and hear him give out a sharp hiss when you turn his arm over so you can examine the other side, "Buck, I think your elbow's torn."

"Me too," he gulps, "- I heard it snap."

At the mere thought of the sound, a wave of nausea hits you square in the chest and your stomach starts to churn. You can feel the tang of acid push up on your tongue when you imagine the pain he must've been enduring - still is enduring - but you fight it relentlessly and eventually manage to swallow down the bile. You should be taking care of him, not the other way around.

"We should go down to the infirmary," you say and keep your gaze firmly placed on the purple bruising, so he doesn't notice your discomfort. "I know it probably won't take too long to heal with the serum and all but just to make su-"

"Sweetheart," he gulps from above you and it makes you stop mid-sentence. "Not tonight, okay? I just wanna stay here tonight."

You look up at him, about to protest, but the words quickly die in your throat when you notice the look he's wearing. He's begging. Anxious. Heavy-hearted.

"Okay," you reluctantly agree and carefully let go of his arm while he sends you a grateful look. "Come on, let me help you out of this," you say quietly in defeat and unstrap his vest beneath his ribs, pulling the Kevlar plates over his head while he groans loudly.

"Ah!" he hisses and clutches his elbow tight, squeezing his eyes shut when you try and pull his t-shirt over his head. "Fuck!"

"You good?"

"Mm-hmm" he hums displeased with lips pressed so tightly together they're forming a thin, white line. "Just get it over with."

You pull on the hem again so the dark fabric rides up his stomach, revealing scarred skin pulled tight over the bulging muscles you've spent so many warm summer days discreetly staring at. "Can you reach your arms just a little higher?" you ask and watch how his diaphragm heaves in small electric shocks when he cannot control the loud gasps that escape his throat.

"Fuck me!" He hisses and squeezes his eyes so tightly shut that his entire face pales. "Just rip the damn fabric off," he hisses angrily, "I can't extend my fucking arm."

"Are you sure you don't wanna get it checked out in the med wing?" You let go of his t-shirt and look him deep in the eye, hoping your concerned gaze can convince him that it'll be worth the trip just to get your jumping nerves under control.

"Just... get me out of this thing," he sighs in defeat. "Cut it open, I don't care."

Disinclined, you dive down in the drawer underneath your sink, pulling out a small flat-legged scissor that came with a roll of gauze you bought last year when you had a nasty wound that wouldn't stop bleeding. "Are you sure?" You look up at him as you put the blade underneath the hem of his t-shirt.

Through the fingers you have placed over his chest, you can feel how his pulse quickly falls again when your eyes meet.

"S'just a t-shirt," he mumbles quietly while nodding, "I'm sure..."

Though you want to stay in this position forever, you slowly look away from him and down at your hands as your hesitantly start cutting, careful not to pierce Bucky's flesh with the sharp scissors.

The blade runs through the fabric like a hot knife through butter and you can feel every tense muscle that the edge of the scissors encounters as they travel over his warm stomach and chest. It makes the blood roar in your ears as more and more skin is revealed underneath your fingertips.

Concentrated on not hurting him even more, you keep your gaze firmly placed on his heavily panting chest as you cut open the front of his black shirt and carefully peel the fabric off his bruised arm until he's standing in front of you in nothing but black boxers and socks, his left hand carefully reaching out for yours as if to comfort both of you.

You've seen him bare chested several times before, but it's never been in this close proximity, never been this intimate, just the two of you holding hands and looking each other deep in the eye as you silently try to assure the other that everything is going to be okay.

"So..." you clear your throat, embarrassed by the fact that you have to hold yourself back from leaning forwards, planting a small kiss on his dusty cheek. "- I take it you can shimmy your way out of those on your own, right?" You nod down towards his boxers and he blinks as if he's just woken up from a trance.

"Yeah," he nods and lets go of your hand while the pink patches make a reappearance on his face.

Slowly, you turn around facing the running spout in the tub to the soft sound of cotton hitting the floor behind you. Involuntarily, you give out a gulp and flusteredly grab the box of bath salts just to give your shaking hands something to do. You cannot believe that your extremely fuckable best friend is standing naked in your bathroom no more than two feet away, begging you to stay close to him.

Eyes still firmly placed on the water in the tub, you point over your shoulder to the rainfall shower in the opposite corner of the bathroom. "You wanna rinse off first?"

"I better," Bucky hesitates behind you. "Don't you think?"

"It'll be a much nicer bath if you do," you awkwardly clear your throat.

"Yeah, you're right," he sighs and turns on the shower, immediately stepping inside and closing the glass door behind him so you can finally breathe freely again.

Through the mirror above the sink, you can make out his naked silhouette behind the matte glass and how the tension in his shoulders first tenfolds and then completely disappears the minute the water turns warm and he relaxes. He lets his forehead fall forwards so it's pressed up against the cold tiles while the water runs over his defined shoulders and down his sculpted back, and you literally have to force your eyes away from him and the shape of his handsome torso.

With your gaze fixed firmly on the fuzzy bathmat at the foot of the shower, you hear the sound of your bath gel being opened, followed by a series of painful grunts as Bucky desperately tries to lather himself with the soap.

"Fuck," he mumbles quietly and before you've even voiced a single word of concern, he continues. "Sweetheart, I know it's a lot to ask..." he says a little louder, the embararssement still evident in his voice, "- but I'm gonna need a little help in here... it's - it's this damn elbow," he sighs, "I'm useless. Can you...?" his voice trails off and the question hangs thickly in the air between you.

He wants you to join him.

To wash him.

Take care of him.

The thought alone makes you nervous, you have to admit, but he needs your help and you're willing to do anything for him.

"Give me a minute," you gulp and strip down to your panties, pulling on the bra you wore earlier so you're not completely bare in there. Several times, you've dreamt of you and Bucky naked together, but not like this - never like this - and you'll be damned if the first time he sees you without a shred of clothes is because he needs help and not because he needs you.

With your pyjamas neatly folded on top of the toilet seat cover, you take a final look at yourself in the mirror, brushing your hair out of your eyes before nervously reaching for the shower door with shaking hands.

He's still standing with his chiselled back towards you, letting the water rinse over his dirty hair and down between his shoulder blades with a slightly pinkish hue. "I'm so sorry about this," he mumbles uncomfortably and hands you your loofah behind his back. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Come on, Buck," you say as you dribble a little soap on the sponge, fighting the urge to let your gaze run all the way down to his thick thighs. "Don't beat yourself up, you know I'm always here for you."

"Still," he mumbles and goes silent as the loofah gently runs over his tense shoulders and traces down his spine.

The white soap bubbles work magic on his dirty skin and you make sure not to leave out a single square inch of his scarred backside as you wash him while fighting the urge to wrap your arms around his torso, telling him how glad you are that he not alone came home, but also that he came to you seeking help instead of barricading himself in his room. It seems significant that he's here, as if something's changed between you though you cannot put your finger on it.

Completely lost in thought, you accidentally run the loofah a little too vigorously over his right tricep, sending shockwaves down his broken bone and resulting in a painful hiss falling from his open mouth.

"Sorry," you mumble, and scrub down his lower back, this time more careful with your movements though there aren't any dirty or bloody spots left on either side of his spine. "There we go" you conclude quietly when you realise that the rinsing water has finally lost its pink and grimy hue. "Turn around," you ask and hope he cannot hear the nervousness straining your voice. No matter what, you're not looking down.

Bucky seems just as jittery about his compromising position as you do, and he slowly spins around, revealing pink cheeks and heaving pecs, his gaze glued to the ceiling as he looks as if he's ready to fling himself off the nearest cliff. "God, sweetheart," he mumbles and breathes hard, "I'm so sorry for all this."

"Bucky, come on - what'd I tell you?" you touch the loofah to his chest, careful not to look anywhere than at the sponge itself as it traces over his collar bones and down his handsome stomach.

He merely sighs and stands completely still while you rinse the crevices between the metal plates over his left clavicle, careful not to move his torso so much he hisses in pain again.

"...You're a good friend," he mumbles after a few focused minutes where you've carefully been scrubbing the gold-plated lines in the vibranium, "- I ever tell you that?"

"All the time," you smile genuinely for the first time since he knocked on your door earlier that evening. If there's one thing you can count on, it's that Bucky Barnes appreciates you more than anything.

"I mean it," he says, "never doubt that."

You look up into his eyes.

He looks so soft and innocent as he stands before you, face finally clean, wet hair sticking to his forehead while he professes his love for you. Even if it's just platonic, it makes your heart skip a beat.

"I know, Buck."

"Good," he nods and blinks a few times with heavy, wet lashes framing his cerulean eyes. The air between you is thicker than ever and for a brief moment, it looks as if he's about to lean in and kiss you, but you break the tension by looking away. You don't want to take advantage of his vulnerable state no matter how badly you want that kiss.

"You ready for the tub?" You ask him in a weirdly shaky voice.

He nods while an almost inaudible sigh escapes his lips. "Yeah," he says and turns off the water, quickly exiting the shower before you can take notice of the disappointment burning on his skin.

You dry your feet on the small fuzzy mat, carefully watching Bucky's naked backside as he tests the temperature in the tub by dipping his toe in the water before stepping over the porcelain edge, sitting himself down.

Immediately, he gives out a content sigh, and drapes right arm over his chest, supporting his broken elbow with vibranium fingers, and you finally deem the situation safe enough to approach him again.

"Want me to wash your hair?"

"Mmh" he hums with closed eyes, immediately more relaxed now that he's covered by water. "I don't deserve you."

You grab your shampoo bottle and push out a decent amount of liquid, pressing it to his warm scalp to the sound of an alleviated sigh falling from his lips as you carefully start massaging it into his roots.

"Does that feel good?" you ask through a smile.

"Yeah, sweetheart," he groans quietly, making the butterflies in your stomach flutter awake, "- feels amazing."

You're slowly lathering shampoo into his long hair, enjoying the feel of him underneath your fingertips, how his soft hair slips through your hands while also trying not to think too much about the kiss you robbed yourself of in the shower. You can hear how his breathing slowly steadies and you think that maybe he's in the early stages of sleep but then he unexpectedly heaves a deep breath -

"You know... I haven't been scared of death for a long time," he says so sudden, so seriously that you're immediately brought out of your trance as your every muscle freezes at his austere tone of voice. "I used to not care if I lived or died but... tonight didn't go as planned," he swallows thickly and you can see how his jaw tenses up as his voice becomes husky, "- they... had me."

"What?" you pant with mortification, your every skeletal muscle paralysed as your breathing picks up. You don't have to ask him who he's talking about.

"Sam and I, we were so sure of ourselves," he shakes his head with his gaze fixed on the wall straight ahead. "We thought had the perfect plan... I - I'm such an idiot, nothing ever runs smoothly with Hydra."

You can feel your heart thumping in your throat. "What happened?" You whisper.

"Sam was on the look-out while I got the hard drive," he mumbles, "it was so easy. It didn't even take me five minutes before I was heading back towards the safehouse," he gulps, "- of course it was an ambush. I should have realised the minute I set foot inside that building."

"You couldn't have known," you whimper softly and stroke his scalp, but he doesn't listen.

"- I thought I was..." the words drown in a heavy sigh, and he stares blankly into space while blinking the tears away.

"Buck," you whisper and can feel the pain radiating from every fibre of his entire being when you wrap your arms around his wet torso and hold him close to your chest.

"They took me to a room. Strapped me down," he takes a ragged breath, and you hold on to him even tighter, "I was sure that was it. I never thought I'd find myself home again."

"You're home now," you whisper and softly kiss his shoulder, hoping that he doesn't feel the tear that lands on top of his clavicle. "You're home now with me."

"I know, sweetheart," he leans into your hug with a sigh, "trust me, I know."

"Everything's gonna be alright, love," you whisper against him and stroke your hand over his hair, "it's you and me against the world, always."

"You and me," he quietly confirms and leans back into your chest with a deep breath.

You continue stroking him over the hair, hold on to him for dear life, not willing to let go as you feel him relax more and more in your arms until he starts snoring slightly, finally warm and safe in your embrace.

"Buck, come on," you instinctively kiss him right below his ear, "you're sleeping. Let's get you into bed."

"Sorry," he mumbles groggily and lets his head fall back against your shoulder. "m'just so fucking tired. Been up thirty-six hours..."

"We'll talk tomorrow," you kiss him again and unwillingly unwrap yourself from around his chest, standing up straight beside him. "I'm not going anywhere. Promise."

He's looking up at you with puppy eyes, gaze slowly travelling down your body and up again as if he hadn't realised you were in your lingerie until that exact moment. "You look beautiful," he says quietly and you half-expect him to laugh it off, but his face stays serious.

"...Thanks," you croak while handing him the fluffy towel, not sure how to react to his sweet words. He's called you many things, but he's never downright called you beautiful before.

"I can take it from here, sweetheart," he nods slowly and steals one last glance down at your body, "you just go to bed. I'll be in in a minute."

"Okay," you whisper and peel yourself away from the tension between you by swiftly turning around, exiting the bathroom.

Back in your room, you barely have time to get out of your wet underwear and put on a fresh set of pyjamas, before a boxer-clad Bucky joins you on the bed.

"Are you still okay with me staying the night?" He asks, nervously.

"Of course I am," you answer immediately and find his vibranium hand underneath the covers, lacing your fingers between his as you scan his weary features. "See if you can get some sleep, okay? You need it," you brush a strand of wet hair away from his face and make sure he's fine by gently cupping his cheek before closing your eyes, hoping he's following your lead, doing the same.

The dark room goes completely quiet for a few minutes where the only audible sound is of your synchronised breathing.

You can feel yourself grow impossibly tired too as you lie there hand in hand with Bucky, and you're just about to succumb to sleep, when suddenly, his quiet whisper breaks the silence.

"I thought about you," he says softly, and it makes you open your eyes again.

You're staring straight into his handsome face, his beautiful blue eyes scanning over your features as he slowly clarifies.

"When they had me strapped down, I thought about you," he moves his fingers against the palm of your hand and completely engulfs you. "The thought of not seeing you again was..." the words die in his throat, and he looks as if he's seconds away from whimpering. "- Sweetheart, you make me so afraid of dying."

You breathe hard with quivering lips, huge eyes matching his as you let his confession sink in.

"I was so desperate to come home, I snapped the restraints in half. Snapped my own elbow along with them," he winces slightly at the painful memory that once again makes your stomach churn. "Sweetheart, I fought like hell. I don't think I've ever been so angry... I - I killed everyone I could get my hands on, I just had to see you again," he brings your hand to his soft lips and kisses the delicate pulse point of your wrist.

"Buck..." a slow whine escapes your throat as you try to blink away a stubborn tear that slowly starts rolling down the side of your nose.

"I love you," he whispers so softly against your thin skin that you almost don't hear. His eyes are closed and he looks relieved to be lying here with you, so you carefully pull his hand to your chest, placing his vibranium palm above your heavily beating heart.

"I love you too."

"Sweetheart," he whispers above you and moves his hand a little on top of your soft pyjamas while lightly shaking his head with a sigh. "No, you don't understand..." he gulps and searches your face, "I love you."

Your breath hitches in your throat.

"- I want more than this," he slowly admits. "I want to be more than your friend. I'm in love with you."

You squeeze his hand and move a little closer to him, scared that he'll stop confessing his love if you say something to throw him off track.

He holds on to you and can feel how your pulse starts racing underneath your pyjamas. "I hope I'm not scaring you off."

"No, no you're not," you say in a hoarse voice, "not at all. I - I think about you all the time."

"You do?" He breathes hard, clearly not believing what he's hearing.

"Yeah," you merely nod and move your head a little closer to him while he does the same. "I'm in love with you too, Buck. Have been for quite some time."

With a serious look, he moves his hand from off your chest and up to your face where he brushes a finger over the delicate features of your cheekbone and down to your jawline. "I'm gonna kiss you now," he warns in a whisper and waits for you to give him a nod before he reaches his head forwards, finally claiming your mouth with his lips.

His hand snakes down the length of your spine and you press your entire front up against his hard chest and stomach while he caresses the small of your back, slipping his soft tongue inside your mouth. "God," he moans and gently grabs hold of your hips, pulling you impossibly close to him. "You make me feel whole again," he whispers against your skin and kisses a small line from your earlobe and down to the base of your clavicle. "What do you say sweetheart?" he mumbles and nibbles at your skin, "can I take you out?"

"Yeah, Buck, you can take me out," you squeeze his hand, and he smiles for the first time that evening, setting everything inside of you aflame.

He's finally smiling and it's because of you.

"I wanna do it the old-fashioned way," he says, beaming, "bring you flowers. Take you dancing. Show you how you're supposed to be treated."

You can't help but chuckle at his soft innocence. "You're an old man," you brush him over his hair, "nobody goes dancing anymore."

"I'll teach you," he chuckles back but lets it turn into a sharp hiss when he accidentally moves his broken elbow.

"That sounds lovely," you admit with a smile, excited at the prospect of having his hands on your hips while he tells you what to do, "- though I'm afraid we'll have to get that elbow sorted first if you want to manoeuvre me around on the dancefloor. I know you don't see the point in going but... med wing tomorrow morning?"

"Okay," he rolls his eyes with a laugh that makes your stomach go all warm and fuzzy. "If it gets me to go dancing with you just an hour earlier, it's worth the trip... Will you go with me?"

"Yeah, I'll go with you," you kiss his hand, and he chuckles so warmly your stomach lights up again. "I'll go with you always."

[kalims]

⭒ㅤnot gonna lie !

premise. pov prefect opens a ngl, except! the story they shared it from can only be viewed... by one person!

characters. first years

ace

not gonna lie ! smash tbh

unironically pretends that he never sent one when you start bombarding him.

uniquewhere: i didn't even see ur story

shrimp: [attatchment]

uniquewhere: i have no wifi to see that sorry not sorry

vehement denial is actually the most effective defense according to him. even if it bypasses all forms of realism, it's not real if he doesn't believe it to be! <- real life advice from ace trappola guys.

if you haven’t already guessed, he can indeed see the picture you just sent and just assumes his very first form of defense… no amount of proof will remove him from his little ball of: “i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

you gotta prepare some kind of miscrosoft presentation, and sit him down. though he will 100% do that thing where he plugs his ears in with his fingers pretending he doesn’t hear anything even though it doesn’t block out you reading out the words.

“here is the real, actual screenshot of my replies—”

“I NEVER EVEN SAW YOUR STORY.”

“ah, good! next slide after this is the views of the story!”

deuce

not gonna lie ! i like you

very demure, very straight to the point is deuce.

he would've written some long ass paragraph in all honesty but he just can't because he sees what he writes, deletes it, then cringes to himself.

atleast with that one he has the excuse for whichever scenario that might randomly ask about it.. (yes, he's thinking that far) weird flex but ok

1. "you ever confessed to your crush?" someone asking

2. "yeah sorta....." deuce

3. "???" someone confused

he was feeling reaaallyyy proud of himself. the anxiousness finally settles down, alongside with his rapidly beating heart. even if it isn't a real, confession it still brings him a bit of peace.

shrimp: I know what you did

tokyodefenders: WHAT?

there goes his heart rate.

like, you did not offer context to any of that but he's still gonna think you somehow, actually do know even if you didn't provide an explanation to... whatever it is you know about him!

tokyodefenders: whaTEVER IT IS IS NKT TRUE

shrimp: please, ur breaking my heart

shrimp: I like u too :(

heart? ascended

he's not even gonna question it. all his braincells got dumped out, and all he can focus on is that particular message. he isn't even gonna remember backtracking about the ngl cause he's gonna be like:

how did they hack my keyboard.. are they tracking it?! LOL

"I'm a mastermind,"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?!" <- deuce, scared for his life.

jack

not gonna lie ! stop getting into trouble. I'm not always there to pull you out

is concerned with how many times you've managed to unknowingly walk into trouble, jack had been lucky enough (yes, him. not you, cause knowing you, you wouldn't be too phased) to be a near constant presence when the shenanigans during the tournament concluded, he stuck to you then.

as in reluctantly following around you like a tail. narrowing his eyes at the less than friendly faces often wore around you, that you were... well, amazingly oblivious to. or maybe you acted like you didn't know, the carriage didn't pick you up for nothing if you were here in nrc.

shrimp: do u rlly think I'm a troublemaker?

iheldheroncejacob: yes

the random topic being brought up went completely over his head. jack probably had forgotten he'd given the link to your story the time of your day, in all honesty

shrimp: well maybe I keep getting in trouble so u can rush in, and pull me out?

iheldheroncejacob: you're a terrible friend then

shrimp: :(

in retrospect jack is able to keep up with joking around, usually. but it's so hard to take you seriously that he takes whatever you say with a grain of salt, you're almost always tipping between flat sarcasm, or calm nonchalance between your words. it almost always has something to do with the people you're with.

the heartslabyul prefect for example, you take a kind, subtle undertone of teasing to (which is crazy, because you're scarily tame in the presence of the vice-dorm head.) and then you're all stony faced when you're with someone you don't like.

^ and you obviously don't dislike jack, if the little selfish, presumptuous nrc part of him would like to claim confidently so... would you really be joking?

only does jack realize the connection between your text, and the ask he sent when he's just finished his laps.

"I'm not your guard dog! why would you even get in trouble for that, next time I'm not even gonna spare you the time cause—"

"what a pee brain."

"what? don't compare my brain to a tiny pee—"

epel

not gonna lie ! CAN I PLS TRANSFER TO RAMSHACKLE AHHHH

you've never met anyone who's disliked being sorted into whatever the dark mirror fitted their 'soul' into as much as epel.

even without the private story only limited to his response, you're sure you could pick out his message and put a face to it.

epel, in his defense, still has savanaclaw as number one in his heart. though upon asking jack if it was possible to transfer there, the latter confirmed but it was... a tedious process, and suggested asking rook, who literally came from savanaclaw!

the boy only spared his friend a side glance before scurrying away. no use traipsing around that...

but of course, getting away from pomefiore is only a goal! always being near your proximity was a biiiiig bonus!

shrimp: hey I need ur files for the dorm transfer

catchwhathands: [escapeplan.jpg]

catchwhathands: I knew u wanted me in ur dorm!!

shrimp: actually I don't. ur the one that asked ;)

catchwhathands: who cares. I'm finally getting out of this hell YEAHHHH!!

shrimp: who said I was gonna use the files you sent?

okay, admittedly the moment he'd sent over the files, epel shut his phone, and quite literally did a victory lap around his room. making sure to frolic so vil has less chances of hearing his chaos...

the dorm leader woke up so easily from noises that you'd think rook was the reason he developed such a habit.

probably.

epel was already planning the plan! he could see the vision! maybe he could plant around ramshackle since it is a pretty big area. you guys would be together for the remainder of the year—and he'd finally bump the adeuce duo from their pedestal!

*ping*

"AGHHHHH STUPID FRIGGIN'—"

"epel!"

"sorry..."

sebek

not gonna lie ! since it is a request for unbridled honesty, I shall deliver what you've requested. you have done so without much thought, clearly! if you've given such leeway for... criticism! you, human, could use a lot more educating in terms of the glory of our eternal lord, the glorious malleus! in accordance to your previous, description of our relationship. the farthest I can give is acquaintance, but I shall only call you a companion (AKA friend) if you are atleast educated about my interests! as the good companion you desire to be!

woo, alright. he really wrote all that...

oh, uh oh.. you just got another ask from him, maybe even longer..?

shrimp: what would that make silver then

rizzvolt: my brother in arms!

shrimp: but hey, actually I do want to know

rizzvolt: ah! finally! I knew you atleast have some common decency, and sense. for that I shall agree for your request in our friendship! these are the most accurate ones pertaining the great lord malleus' biography! [link] [link] [link]

rizzvolt: is that enough? I will send you more, but only if you finish these three. I will test you rigorously to confirm that you are indeed genuine in your interest!

why he has all that, you have no idea.. if only he displayed that much dedication for his studies...

shrimp: I don't wanna learn about malleus

shrimp: I want to learn about you

rizzley: how dare you! the lord's name should only be addressed with a: 'lord', 'the great', 'the

...

sebek stares at his screen, just in the process of finishing his... educating sentence, because even in text, malleus should only be treated with the highest form of respect!

have you no integrity?! he wonders.

only then does he focus on your response, does he make a rather... dubious sound of shock? sebek doesn't know why he breaks into a cold sweat as he runs the sentence through his mind a hundred times in the span of a minute.

what is this... some sort of human illness? or maybe love—

of course he'd never even consider such a thing! (just did bro)

shrimp: sooo.. since you sent me an ask, does that mean you actually like me?

shrimp: sebeeeeekk.. did you actually read?

with the speed of lightning (and the adrenaline maybe, what else could this frantic pounding of his chest explain besides that you are indeed, dangerous!) he opens the story on your media

'send me an ask if you like meeee :)'

sebek promptly falls over.

[prone-to-fleeting-obsessions]

(An Aventurine/reader one shot, short and sweet, established relationship, mildly suggestive at the end if you squint, trying to get back into writing real stuff after a year so idk about the quality)

It was methodical. The tapping, the way his fingers thrumbed rhythmically on the table, one after the other, how his rings would sometimes catch the light as he did. What an odd thing to notice...

Aventurine was mindlessly tapping the bar top as he watched you with eyes like blades, slicing deep into you. Not harshly of course, as if he could ever look at you harshly... But intense all the same.

That ever-present smile was more strained than usual. Another odd thing to notice, really, especially when you were supposed to be avoiding looking at him, eyes trying to find anything else to focus on.

"Hello, friend."

It made you tense, that infliction... It sent the nerves under your skin into a frenzy, unsure whether to flee or fight, really wanting nothing more than to just disappear. He didn't seem keen on letting you off the hook, though.

"Don't give me that look. I'll almost believe you don't wanna see me."

He teased, sliding into the barstool next to you, his arm brushing yours, making you suppress the urge to jerk away.

He'd been singling you out ever since he noticed your active avoidance, you could tell. The last few days, the amount of time you've 'accidentally' run into each other in public... You cringed slightly at the thought, it wasn't coincidence.

He huffed at your silence, rolling his pretty eyes as he gestured for the server to make you another of whatever drink had been long forgotten in front of you, condensation pooling on the table.

"Actually, I was just leaving—"

The words died in your throat as he put his hand under your chin, tilting your head up with a teasing little smile. It was almost like his face softened when he held yours, his smile a bit more genuine than that strained mess you've seen the last few days.

"Oh don't be like that, darling. This one's on me after all. I miss that pretty face of yours." He tilted his head, blonde hair falling over his eyes as he looked at yours, as if analyzing every little feature. Once satisfied, he let go, humming happily, leaving you utterly confused and a little flushed, as much as you were trying to stay cold and unreadable. An air of silence settled for a moment, and only a moment.

"You've been avoiding me."

He spoke thoughtfully, just as playful as it was accusatory.

"I... I haven't—"

Still not keen on letting you finish a sentence, he cut you off.

"Now now, don't go lying to me. A good relationship is built on trust." He chided, almost scolding. His hand settled on the back of your head, his fingers absentmindedly playing with your hair as he went back to analyzing your every little micro expression.

"I've been busy." You finally spoke, the tone not having the bite you would have liked.

"...You're still upset."

He sighed, arms falling away completely as he opted to rest his head on his hand, almost pouting.

"Come on, darling, work with me..."

That was said more to himself as his eyes strayed, his pout becoming more prominent.

It was true you were upset. Livid even. Another one of his little gambles, life threatening as usual, ended with a nasty little gash right at the base of his neck. It was healing nicely at least, probably wouldn't even leave a trace, but the implication remained. Something sharp enough to cut was pressed right up against his jugular, tearing into that pristine skin of his.

His composure was faltering slightly at your silence, lips twitching into a notable frown as he shifted slightly, trying to get ever closer. You finally couldn't ignore him anymore when his arms snaked around your waist, head moving to rest on your shoulder as he looked up at you through his eyelashes.

"I'm sorry..." He practically whispered against your skin, his breath ghosting on your neck, making you shiver involuntarily.

"I know you don't like when I do things like that... You know I can't help it."

It was truly in his nature, you knew that... He had nothing to lose but his own life for so long, a meager sum in his own eyes, and it was... difficult, for him to rewire his brain to accept his life was something actually cherished by another. The purely devotional look he gave wasn't lost on you. A look that asked, kindly, for understanding, through a plea that would have died in his throat if he even thought about manifesting it.

Punishing him hardly seemed fair, but for him to still be so stubborn...

You gently brushed a few of the stray hairs out of his face, and he absentmindedly leaned into your touch, eyes fluttering.

"I know. I still don't like it." You spoke quietly, bluntly, but there were only so many ways to phrase the fact you'd rather him not greet death so openly, so familiarly.

"I've missed you..." He spoke back after a moment.

Your avoidance had left a pain much more pronounced than the little cut on his neck. An unpleasant reminder of where his weaknesses really lay. You didn't say it back, but it was obviously true.

"...I know."

He smiled slightly at that, leaning up till eye level to steal a quick kiss, his lips just grazing yours for a moment, hands on the back of your chair as his body leaned over yours. He was all of about two inches from being on top of you and showing a fair bit of restraint for someone denied of their lover touch for so long.

"Want to go back to my hotel room, darling? I'd like to make it up to you." He mumbled with a grin, close enough for you to smell his cologne, a certain palatable need in his voice. Whether it was just for your touch, away from prying eyes, or for something more than that, was left hanging in the two inches of air between you.

You hesitated, but nodded, and as soon as you did, he laced his fingers with yours, palm to palm, a certain intimacy in that action alone.

He tossed a few bills on the counter without glancing at the amount as he pulled you straight out the door, happily really to indulge in what he'd been so longing for, with the silent promise that he wouldn't let this event repeated itself.

[theanimeoftheblackbunnymask]

Gathers up the courage to send an ask

Since you are the creator for the blueprint of Yandere PM! Dazai, I gotta ask (because this is my all-time favorite concept with Yandere Dazai and I need to get out of my writing funk)...

How would he react to his darling falling in love or forming a close relationship with someone else? BUT that someone else isn’t a nobody Ex. Chuuya, Akutagawa, Oda, or Kouyou. 

Like every second you are away from him, you are with the other person. Maybe going out of your way to avoid him and go to this other person. Dazai can clearly see that you aren’t being just friendly and it looks like the other person reciprocates your feelings.

However Dazai realizes that it wouldn’t be so simple as to just force you back with him or punish you since you’ve got yourself a new white knight.

Ex:

Chuuya, being someone not afraid to deck Dazai in the face, would be rightfully disgusted regarding Dazai’s behavior and would probably try to get you permanently away from the bandaged freak. And kiss you just to stick it to Dazai.

Akutagawa… ok y’all would be screwed if Dazai found out about you both but the relationship would be super sweet. LET AKUTAGAWA BE HAPPY!!

Oda needs no further explanation. Dazai actually likes and respects Oda so if he is telling Dazai to stop then maybe the suicidal dickhead would consider that he is going too far.

Kouyou is a debatable choice considering that she is a bit scared of Dazai and she is a tad like a yandere herself, but if you are important enough to her she might get you a job under her command so she can protect you during Port Mafia work hours. (she operates the Port Mafia brothels so do with that what you will)

Jesus this was a lot...

One of biggest differences between PM!Dazai and ADA!Dazai is the treatment of their darling.

PM!Dazai is way more clingy than ADA!Dazai. Dazai has you bounded to him 24/7, you're rarely alone. If you were to get close and fall in love with someone that wasn't Dazai, it'd have to be someone who's around him often.

It doesn't necessarily need to be someone like Chuuya, who's always working with Dazai, but instead it just needs to be someone who's in his presence often.

It started off with glances from across the room, but now it's become flirting with just your eyes alone. Dazai picked up on what was going on pretty fast, and this is where he thinks you've forgotten just how ruthless he is.

He'd bring you down to a room where your lover is tied to a chair, their mouth gagged as a cloth was placed over their eyes.

One of Dazai's favorite forms of torture is having someone hurt their loved ones. Luckily for him, and unfortunately for you, he just got his suit cleaned, so you'll have to be doing it.

All he'd do is hand you a crowbar and say one word, "Hit."

After a swift hit to the gut, you end up bursting into tears, saying that you couldn't hurt them.

This is when Dazai's true nature comes out.

Any amusement Dazai had is now placed with annoyance and disappointment, Dazai pulls at your hair, lifting you off the floor.

"If you don't fucking bash his brains in, it won't just him going out in a body bag."

Throwing you back down onto the floor, you reluctantly give the few more blows, the final blow causing you to collapse onto the floor before bursting out into tears.

"Good job," Dazai said in a sickeningly soft tone, patting your head before forcing you look up him. The coldness in his eyes sent a chill down your spine. "If you ever cheat on me again, I'll make you someone else's bitch."

[12woso12]

Dorothy lands in North London - Part 3

Part 2

Hey! Hope you're enjoying the story so far, this chapter is a little darker than the last few but hopefully you'll understand why. It won't be long until more of the Arsenal girls start to make an appearance and relationships start to develop.

TW: Mental health, nightmares, violence

Emily wasn't a night person. She loved mornings, her alarm was set for 7am every single day and you were ashamed to admit the opposite about yourself. You loved the night, it was the only time you ever really felt at peace. There was no one else around and therefore no expectations to uphold, sometimes you would even take a ball to the local park and practice smashing it into the face a hundred dozen times in the dead of night. Of course, you felt a little uneasy going out at night in a completely new country and so you opted out of that idea for your first night in London.

Instead, you sat in Emily's guest room as her snores from next door rattled your shared wall. You'd forgotten that Emily was a loud sleeper, it had only been the one time that you'd shared a room with her on camp and you'd been too tired most of the time to even notice it back then. An episode of Love Island was playing softly on the tv, it was true that the UK version was miles better than the US one but you'd take that to the grave.

With one eye on the re-coupling taking place on screen, you fumble around in your bedsheets for your phone and notice you have several thousand new followers, a few of your future teammates included. It was strange, the news wasn't even official yet, you wouldn't sign the contract until tomorrow and the announcement wouldn't be put out until next week yet you felt as though the whole world knew.

To be fair, your instagram story probably added fuel to the fire. And Arsenal weren't exactly known for being able to keep a secret. You remembered seeing a picture of Emily on their instagram before she'd been officially announced.

Among the Arsenal teammates who'd opted to follow you were Kyra Cooney-Cross and Katie McCabe. You follow them back instantly, excited about making new connections in the footballing world. You wondered if they'd been together while stalking your instagram, you were nervous at what they thought of you. Your instagram was nothing short of wild. There was no organisation to it at all. You had footballing pictures followed by random photographs you'd taken on nights out and occasionally a few random dogs made appearance. Emily said you'd be friends with Kyra and you'd even seen fans online chattering about how well you'd get on, hopefully they were right about the Aussie.

You settle down further into bed, Love Island finally finishing for the night as a tired yawn breaks from your lips. You don't stay awake long enough to find out what's on next.

'Y/n' Someone was shaking you awake.

'Y/n wake up for God's sake'. Your eyes open to a mysterious hooded figure stood in the middle of your dark room. 'I thought i told you to stay awake' It spoke. The voice was unrecognisable but it sent a shiver of familiar fear down your spine. You sit and shuffle as far into your pillows as humanly possible, never once taking your eyes off the figure.

'Who are you?' your voice was weak and distant as though it didn't really belonged to you. The figure chuckled and took a long step forward, closing distance quickly between the two of you.

You can't move.

Your body won't move. No matter how hard you will it to.

'You know who i am' The figure growled 'You've seen this all before. You've been here before y/n'

You can feel yourself sweating, your eyes dart around the room and you suddenly realise you aren't in London anymore.

'I'm back in Kansas' you whisper incredulously 'And that means...dad?' You let out a strangled cry as the figure launches itself at you, hand out stretched and reaching for your throat. It pulls you to the floor and you squirm under its weight. It was your father, you could tell by the way he smelt, by the way his hands still fit perfectly around your neck. He was going to kill you this time, there was no escaping him now.

You were going to die. And your maker would be the one to kill you.

You clawed at his hands on your throat but it was no use, the fight had already been lost. You let out a final cry and the last thing you see before you pass out is the haunting face of the man who was suppose to love you most.

'FUCK' you wake up, properly this time.

It was just a dream. You were safe but it didn't feel like it, the smell of beer on your father's lips had been so real. He had been so real. You fumbled for your bedside lamp switch and let out a sigh of relief as it flickered on to reveal you were still in London. Kansas was a thousand miles away, no one could hurt you here.

You took a shallow breath trying to get your breathing under control, your eyes spotted with black dots and the room felt shaky around you. It wasn't that you weren't use to nightmares, because you were. It was the fact that you hadn't expected it.

You had secretly thought that moving to London and putting even more distance between yourself and the hell you grew up in would be beneficial. When you'd first moved from Kansas to Gotham it had done you a world of wonder and it helped even more so when you'd made the move to Orlando. Your nightmares were less frequent, you didn't feel like throwing up every time you saw a women who resembled your mother or a father angry at his child. Of course you'd still have the occasional bad day where you couldn't get out of bed or force food down your throat, who didn't? But all in all life had been better the further from Kansas you got.

So, why was London any different? It made you uneasy, it made you scared. All alone in a big city, the weight of expectation on your shoulders, the memories of the past fresh in your mind.

You were built for this, you reminded yourself. If your rough upbringing had given you anything, it was a will to fight.

Timidly you reached for your phone to check the time and sighed when it read 2:08am. You had hours until you needed to be up and on your way to the Emirates where you'd finally sign your contract and film your big reveal for the fans. As you unlocked your phone and busied yourself scrolling through instagram, you were astonished to see a notification in your Dms from Kyra.

'What the hell?' you murmured, clicking on the notification hesitantly.

Kyracooneyx I hope Em is being nice to you

You smirk at the message, incredibly happy that a member of the team was reaching out to you. You were glad of its casualness and decided to follow suit.

Y/n13 Well well well... if it isn't 1/3 of Ausenal

Kyra was clearly awake as she began to type the moment your message had been sent in response.

Kyracooneyx I like to think of myself as the best Aussie in North London

Y/n13 That's rather conceited don't you think?

Y/n13 Poor Steph Cately

Kyracooneyx She'll get over it

Kyracooneyx So when do you sign for us?

Y/n13 Bright and early tomorrow morning

Kyracooneyx Then why are you awake

You pause for a second, trying to concoct a lie.

Y/n13 I got side tracked watching love island

Kyracooneyx Not that shit. And to think, we could've been friends

Y/n13 Everyones been saying that

Kyracooneyx Saying what?

Y/n13 That we'll get on

Kyracooneyx Well Emily did describe you as a little shit the other day at training and that's what Steph calls me sometimes

Y/n13 we can be shits together

You laughed aloud at the absurdity of your conversation. You already sounded like best friends.

Kyracooneyx Are you doing anything right now?

Y/n13 Absolutely nothing

Kyracooneyx There's a park two minutes down the road from Emily's, meet me there? I'll ping the address

Y/n13 Count me in

You threw on a pair of joggers and an oversized jumper before sneaking out the door, elated that you'd found a new friend. And even more so now that you had a distraction from the haunting memories that ran through your brain.

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook

W.D.Y.W.F.M [Lovebites]

Jungkook could've adopted anybody else, really. He's gotten to know a lot of hybrids left and right during his time at the carecenter and foster homes- low maintenance ones, friendly ones, ones that are easy to be around. So why would he want you?

Tags/Warnings: Idol!Jungkook, Hybrid!Reader, Fox Hybrid!Reader, mentions of trauma, Reader isn't cute & cuddly in this at all, manhandling (not the spicy kind), sort of brat-tamer Jungkook but not in the kinky way if that makes sense? This is about four years AFTER the Prelude chapter!, slight angst, okay it's actually not slight, mentioned attempted violence against mc, mentioned panic attack, fluff, slightly suggestive towards the end but overall SFW

Length: 3.4k words

There is no taglist for this fic.

A/N: Have you forgotten about this because I didn't

-> Masterlist

⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅

He remembers the day he'd made it public. Not only the fact that he had you, was living with you, legally.. well, owned you-

But that he was also in a relationship with you.

Jungkook remembers the immense wave of both support and hate clashing against one another, both sides aggressively trying to win a fight that was never theirs to fight to begin with. No one ever really pushed against or with him- it had always been about you. Fans trying to shelter and protect you, others attempting to use your past against you, slandering you or even attempting to scare you away from him.

From online threats against your safety, birthday projects all over the world to people actually attempting real life harm against you on airports, and others making signs specifically about loving you to hold up during concerts.

It's a constant push and pull- but after four years now, fans had to pretty much accept the fact that you existed and had this connection to him, or stay in their delusions and theories as to why it cannot be true.

It's like it's gotten simply boring. Old news.

He's kept you at his side, safe and sound, through all these years. Doesn't hide you when he's live, or outside, or taking the plane, or filming. You're a part of his life, and he doesn't ever attempt to keep you hidden. And neither does he ever want to back down and give anyone reason to think that he's not taking you seriously- neither as someone to love, nor as someone to keep safe.

He will do both, fully. Love you, and protect you.

Jungkook is currently live, talking to fans while you're on the couch next to him, tired but unable to sleep yet because it's something you've developed ever since staying with him. It's kind of his own fault- bad timing of him leaving the apartment every time you'd sleep making you wary of leaving him out of sight even to this day. He feels bad for it- but you're both working on that these days.

He doesn't want you to believe that he'd ever leave you alone.

"Is that foxy? Yes, she's right here!" He grins, leaning back a little to teasingly pull one of your ears into frame, showing that you're halfway laying on his lap. It makes some people upset in the chat, but most find it cute. "She doesn't sleep well alone, when I don't sleep she doesn't either." He explains to the fans watching. "Which is.. my fault, I kind of messed that up, but we're working on it." He nods, leaning back forwards to read the chat. "Calvin Klein? Huh?" He wonders why he reads the name of the brand in the chat considering he himself is wearing a simple white nike shirt- before he turns around, spotting you climbing over the back of the couch, seam of your pale purple underwear displaying the brand name. "Ah, yes! We got sent some stuff from their hybrid collection. Looks really pretty!" He smirks teasingly into the Chat, and he knows his management is probably holding their heads again in agony- so he can't help but make them mad just a little more, by reaching out behind him to smack your butt once, earning a squeak from your end and a wave of emojis in the chat.

They can't do much against his relationship or you, but that doesn't mean that they like it when he talks so easily and openly about it like this, or even dares to show public displays of affection towards you. He's not supposed to.

He does it anyways.

"Calvin Klein shooting when? Ah~!" He laughs, leaning back with arms crossed. "I'm not sure if I'd be happy with others seeing her in underwear." He jokes, though there's a hint of truth in it. He's painfully possessive over you- he doesn't like you even just playing around with the other members, for example, does everything for you before anyone else could offer. He doesn't like it when you're being taken care of by others, and he knows that's a bit childish. "But maybe normal clothes. Who knows. Maybe one day." He shrugs and reads the chat that asks him what you're doing- so he turns around to check on you in the kitchen-

Instantly jumping up over the back of the couch to run to you.

"Hey hey hey, no climbing that!" He scolds on his way, pulling you down from the counter before setting you down. "What did you want?" He asks, getting the bowl from the higher shelf for you before teasingly pulling your tail. "Don't do that again, yeah?" He shakes his head as he walks back to the couch, sitting in front of the camera again. "What happened? Ah, she couldn't reach something and climbed on the counter. But she could get hurt, so I don't like it." He explains. "Why? Ah, she doesn't do it usually!" He waves off. "She really doesn't. She's just having an episode these days, so she's a bit more trouble than normal." He says, trying to laugh it off- quickly changing topic.

He doesn't want anyone to really dwell on the fact that the most recent airport accident had sent you into an episode of all things.

Episodes in hybrids can vary in severity. Yours is a pretty serious one- it's been more than 24-hours since the airport incident, and yet you're still quiet, you're still regressing, and most of all- still terribly jumpy, as if you're right back to square one when he'd first brought you home, just ten times worse.

He'd been caught off guard this time. The same as security. No one saw it coming.

The airport had been crowded from the start, which had been normal. It's not unusual for him to draw in a large crowd- you never changed anything about that at the end of the day, if anything, you just increased it with many hybrids becoming fans of you, begging their owners to take them to the airports and other places where they could garner a glimpse of you. But this time, a crazed 'fan' had slipped through security, had grabbed after you- acrylic nails scratching hard on your arm, drawing blood and making you panic, as she yelled in a language he couldn't understand fully at you, hand raised to strike.

Jungkook had barely managed to pull you close, dash towards the car with security suddenly on highest alert, until you both had reached and entered the car.

He will never forget the sight of you, terrified, scrambling to crawl over the backseats, trying to get into the trunk area instead because in that moment, everyone had been an enemy in your eyes.

Him included.

It took him more than half an hour to get through to you, reassuring you enough with his strong hold and scent to push through the fog in your mind, and make you remember that he is safe. He's your person. He's to be trusted. And he's not mad at you for biting him in that moment whatsoever.

You'd thrown up the moment you'd entered the apartment due to the stress, before you shamefully hid in the furthest corner of the shower, cowering in panic, body trembling still.

Jungkook had wanted to cry so badly while the guilt crawled up his neck. Instead, he'd given you space, and had instead called a doctor to schedule an appointment asap for today, and one home visit later, you're all bandaged up and medicated to help your anxiety until you're able to think straight again.

He doesn't like that it has to be like that. But he understands that it's all that can be done to at least make your episode a bit more manageable and comfortable.

"Yeah, I'm gonna take some days off. I actually wanted to anyways, it's not just because of what happened, so don't worry." He reassures the fans concerned over your well-being- probably mostly because of the official statement from his company, which also announced his short hiatus from all activities, and a sharp increase in security measures moving forward. You simply crawl over his lap to lay down lazily, tail smacking around, your impatience the result of lack of attention. "Is she okay? Yeah, she has been prescribed some medication, she is okay." He offers, before he changes the topic again for a moment, until he can finally find a good opportunity to end the livestream.

The moment he does, he leans back, tension leaving his body as he watches you turn your head towards him. You've not said a word since the airport- and your gaze is hazy, not quite there.

He feels guilty just looking at you.

"I won't let that happen ever again." He promises, a hand on your head gently petting your ears. "I'll protect you more seriously." He mumbles, and you just watch him, happy to gain his attention even if you've got no idea what he's saying. Right now, you can't really comprehend anything- neither time, nor words, nor anything else.

You just exist, healing in silence it seems like.

And that's fine with him, as long as you'll be okay.

⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅

You're biting on his curled up finger, while he laughs and wiggles your head around with it, no pain whatsoever in your bites.

You do that, occasionally, even when 'normal'. Though in that state, you typically recoil from your own actions, feeling bad for them even with his patient attempts at reassuring you that it's fine with him. But like this, still in your episode, you're a lot more open with what you're usually hiding when it comes to your natural hybrid behavior.

Love bites. That's what Jungkook calls them.

You bite his arm randomly when he stops paying attention to the movie you're supposed to watch together. You bite his neck whenever you cuddle, tangled up limbs and careful nips on his skin, well aware you shouldn't mark him up- even though he wouldn't complain. You bite after his hands when he tries to feed you stuff, though his reflexes tend to be better. And you bite at his clothes and pillows and toys- those you have a tight hold on though, testing his strength every single time.

He doesn't mind any of those things. He knew what you'd be like right from the start.

Your mind is slowly clearing up a bit, the second day into your episode- though it seems like you're still hiding away behind your hybrid behavior, taking your time to properly heal and collect yourself again before facing reality. And he's fine with that.

You can take as much time as you need and want.

He's brushing your hair for you while you sit on his lap, still tired form having just woken up. He can't really leave you alone like this- and you also still need to go to your regularly scheduled appointments to make sure you're recovering physically and mentally. Last checkup they've found some growing bruises near your hip, probably from the car door having accidentally swung into you in all the frenzy, and because you can't really tell anyone how you're feeling right now, everyone including Jungkook is being a little extra careful.

Though he can't say he doesn't enjoy moments like these, where he's truly got you all to himself.

He's opening a pack of wet wipes specifically for hybrid features, and you automatically move to lay your head in his lap as he cleans your ears for you- something back then, the shelter had told him to teach you to do yourself first things first since you hated having it done with a passion, but he's never had any problems with you. Sure, you can be a brat-

But you always have somewhat of a reason for lashing out if it happens, down the line. And he's learned to take a step back and look for that reason first and foremost, before judging or scolding you.

You wiggle around a little bit as he finishes up, putting everything away before he lets you go to lay down somewhere near the windows on a mattress he'd laid out. He chuckles as he walks back inside the living room, holding out your collar towards you, and his heart breaks a little when your ears clearly droop, probably still scared of leaving the apartment. "I know, but we have an appointment today that has to happen at the doctor's." He gently speaks, squatting down to where you're stubbornly rolling away from him, shielding your neck so he can't put your collar on. He clicks his tongue, carefully putting the collar down into his lap before he pulls your wrists away from your neck. "Baby please. I promise you, no one will ever hurt you again as long as I'm with you, okay?" He presses on, and at that, he can see your ears turn towards him, before you slowly give in to his hands pulling yours down.

He carefully places the simple velvet collar around your neck, both an Identification mark and a Yellow mark with the words 'Caution; Nervous' on it. He's received it from the doctor that checked up on you right after your episode had started- and he feels awful that you have to wear it like this.

But he'll do anything to make sure you're safe.

"…kook?" you ask, and he immediately perks up at hearing you speak again, arms open to let you crawl into his lap. "M' scared." You admit, and he nods.

"I know." He agrees, because he really does know that you're still fearful. It's only natural after what had happened. "But I'll do anything to keep you safe. You trust me?" He asks, and after a moment of thinking-

You nod into his chest, making him feel unbelievably proud of himself.

He won't let it go to waste.

⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅ ── ⋅ ⋅

It's been a week, and Jungkook has to admit- he's never been happier that you're back to your old, chaotic self.

"You know you're in trouble." He states, holding up one of his sweaters-

The strings of the hood all chewed up, clearly because of you. You're just sitting on the floor on a random pillow, tail wagging, as if you're proud of your work. "People keep staring at you!" You complain, huffing in anger as you cross your arms. "You need my scent on you, so they know you're taken!" You say, and he sighs, shaking his head.

"It's not like I'm gonna wear this with those strings still in place anyways." He tells you, and you seem to become even more frustrated now. "In fact, I'm not really wearing anything top-wise in the most recent photoshoots-" He says, and suddenly, you get up, and dash past him, your shoulder hitting his body as you push towards your room- But he doesn't want you to just lock yourself in and 'sleep it off' like you always do. He wants you to explode into his face like this- he needs you to be honest for once. "No, you'll stay right here." He tells you, but you shake your head, trying to claw his hand from your arm.

"I don't want to!" You bark at him, now simply letting yourself drop down, hanging limp from his grip, and he just watches how you throw your little tantrum. "Let me go!" You hiss up at him, but he just takes in a deep breath, and continues to hold you.

"No." He denies. "And I can do this all day long, you know?" He shrugs, dragging you over the floor by your arm into the kitchen to get some water out the fridge.

And even as he can see your eyes start to tear up, he doesn't budge.

"You know, I'd really like to help you." He sighs, sitting down on the floor close to you. "I hate seeing you cry."

"Then let me go!" You try again, but he shakes his head.

"I won't." He denies once more. "I told you that's not how it works. Over and over again." He reminds you, his grip softening a bit. "I need you to talk to me, not just bottle things up and shove them into a corner inside your head." Jungkook complains, and you deflate at that.

"I don't like that.. no one takes me seriously." You say, and he tilts his head a bit in question. "People act like.. like I'm not even there." You say quietly, and he's unsure what you mean.

"What are you talking about baby?" He wonders, helping you sit on his lap, legs over his thighs wrapped around him just like your arms. "Many people love you. And by now, almost everyone knows you too." he reminds you, but you shake your head.

"They know me as your hybrid." You say, in a defeated manner. "But people don't see me as.. you know.. your mate." You complain into his shoulder, and at that he hums to himself, seeing the issue finally reveal itself.

"You're jealous?" He wonders, and you shrug.

"Sometimes." You admit. "When.. people how well this or that.. famous person fits you, you know." You finally say honestly. "And the worst is that they're often right. You do look nice with a pretty actress maybe, or-" You begin to rant, when a hand runs over your back, up and down.

"Mark me." He tells you, and you freeze.

"What?" You wonder, leaning away to properly look at him. But he just smiles, teasingly almost, and leans his head to the side a little.

"You heard me." He chuckles. "Wherever you want. Mark me up." He shrugs.

"But.. I'm not allowed." You shake your head, unsure if you understand him correctly. "I'm not supposed to."

"I do it all the time to you, don't I?" He asks, and you nod, a little shy now. "So? Only fair if you get to do it too. I'm sorry I didn't realize how.. that must've felt like to you, the fact that I always told you not to do it." He offers, a hand running over your tail.

"But they'll get angry at you-" You remind him, and he still denies it, instead leaning in to peck your lips once. You huff at that, even after the second, the third- but the fourth is when you melt, join in, and let yourself be swepped away by his love.

Jungkook knows best, you remind yourself. He knows what he can and can't do. He'll manage that.

You're mouthing at his neck on instinct, careful still- before you actually do end up biting and marking him, the evidence of this staying even the next day and the day after, causing his management to scold him numerous times- all of them Jungkook simply lets wash over him, not really taking it to heart.

He loves you, and therefore things like these are simply normal. They shouldn't be forbidden. He's not a child anymore.

And, at the end of the day, he doesn't need the fame, or money, or anything else.

He only needs you.

[captn-trex]

gone, but not forgotten

Fives x F!Reader

word count: 4.4k

description: you're a bartender at 79s when the 501st gets back from a gruelling campaign. the clones make a game out of seeing who can successfully hit on you, but the one that catches your eye is the one that doesn't try at all, the one whose shoulders are weighed down by a painful loss.

warnings: nothing much, a little fluff & sad fives (post citadel), mentions of death and war as expected, non-established relationship

a/n: i'm probably gonna do a part 2 to this because it was originally gonna have a lot more to it and I still kinda wanna see that play out, but anyway, enjoy :)

part two here: how to feel again

The low lighting and heavy bass that shook the very bar you were working at were no match for the ruckus that was caused whenever the clones of the 501st entered 79s.

You watched their entry from behind the bar with a small smirk. You spotted their Captain, already shaking his head at his men and bringing up the rear as the men filtered into a booth near the entrance, clearing out the clones who were already sat there.

You were familiar with a handful of the clones of the 501st, and when one of them - Jesse, if you’re remembering correctly - caught your eye, he sent you a wink. You instinctively rolled your eyes, though there was no animosity behind it. Working at a clone bar, people expected you to be sick of the clones, but you couldn't help but find them generally endearing. Sure, they all tried to hit on you, but most of their attempts were so harmless or pathetic that you couldn't find it in yourself to be irritated by it.

As you served a variety of customers, clones and nat-borns alike, you could see the 501st boys looking over at you and then talking amongst themselves, and you quickly realised that you were to be privy to some kind of game of theirs. Between pouring drinks and cleaning glasses, you watched them with suspicion, and you noticed that there was one particularly sullen looking clone among them, one that you hadn't met before. He didn't seem to be interacting with them much, just sitting back with his arms crossed over his chest and a far-away look in his eyes.

The first to approach the bar was Kix.

“Hey there” He said your name in a flirtatious tone, “What's a pretty lady like you doing working in a place like this?” He leant over the bar a little as he spoke, a charming smile painted on his face. If his words weren't so utterly ridiculous and overused, you might have even fallen for it.

“What should I be doing if not working here Kix?” You asked back innocently with a hand on your hip, playing into his game. For now.

“I'm not sure, but someone with a smile so radiant is surely made for greater things” He smiled triumphantly, as if he had just said the most flattering thing and not insulted your career.

“Hm” You tapped your finger on your chin a few times, as if thinking hard about something, “Yeah, it didn't work, nice try though. Can I get you something to drink now?”

“Ugh” Kix slumped down to his elbows in a huff, “I'll just get a fizzbrew”

You laughed at his defeated tone as you reached into the cooler below for his drink, “Come on, did you really think that was going to work?”

“I did! And it's true! Your smile is radiant” He argued as he took his drink from you.

You screwed up your face as he reiterated the compliment, “Kix stop, you failed already, go sit down”

“Alright alright, thank for this” He smiled with a small chuckle as he dropped his credits into your hand.

“No problem”

The next to try it was Dogma.

“Has anyone ever told you that you have the most wonderful hair?” He leaned on the bar and tipped his head to the side a little with a wide grin.

“Oh maker Dogma, that's awful. Is that really the best you've got?” You couldn't help but laugh at his attempt.

“Uh-” He rubbed his neck sheepishly, “Maybe”

You smirked at him and took a glass from the back, “Krilliz?”

His eyes lit up, “You remembered”

“Of course I did, nobody else orders this nightmare fuel”

“Hey! I like it”

“And I'm glad, here” You handed him his drink with a smile, “Enjoy”

He thanked you with a sigh and headed back to the snickering of his squad mates.

Over the next hour, almost every member of the group came up to the bar and tried to flirt with you in some way, and you honestly couldn't figure out what game they were playing. Though, it was hard to know, as you shot all of them down almost immediately.

When it came time for the last clone of the group, you were a little bit worn down by it all.

“I'll get a shot of that Shesharilian vodka stuff”

The regularity of the statement was refreshing, you almost weren't expecting it.

“You're not going to tell me how my hair is so wonderful or my smile is so radiant?” You asked with a smirk, earning a chuckle from the clone in front of you, but it held no mirth.

“I would be blind not to notice, but no, I'm not a part of their little game” He admitted, but you don't entirely buy it.

“Which one are you after then?”

“Which what?” He asked, confused by your question.

“Which lady?” You clarified, nodding out into the bar.

“Oh” He chuckled lightly, if a little sadly, “I'm not after that tonight”

“What are you after then?” You asked, and he paused for a moment before sighing.

“A strong drink”

You could see that there was a certain sadness behind the request, and realised that this was the dejected looking clone that you had noticed earlier.

“Coming right up” You said, offering him a gentle smile.

You sorted the drink, stealing glances at the man, noticing the way the coloured lights along the bar seem to make the bags under his eyes more pronounced. You placed the drink in front of him, but when he went to hand you some credits, you stopped him.

“It's on the house”

“What? I can't-”

“Don't worry about it” You smiled and pushed the drink further towards him, “I can tell you need it”

He looked at you for a moment and offered a thankful smile.

“That's… Thank you…” He trailed off, and you told him your name, tapping on your name tag. He repeated it with another thanks, and told you that his name was Fives.

“I couldn't tell” You smirked, pressing a finger to your temple, where he had an aurebesh tattoo. He chuckled lightly and thanked you again, taking his drink back to the 501st table.

You watched as his brothers all patted him on the back, and he rolled his eyes with a small smile as he settled back into his seat at the edge of the group. You wondered if he had just used the sad boy approach to appeal to your better nature, and win whatever game they were playing, but you soon forgot all about it as you got on with your work.

The bar was particularly busy tonight, so you had your hands full when it came to making drinks. It seemed that there were quite a few clone legions back on Coruscant at the moment, including the 104th, who got roped into the 501st game quite easily. A flurry of clones adorning grey armour sauntered up to you, offering a variety of compliments, and getting more ridiculous each time as you rejected each one of them. Truthfully, there were a number of them that appealed to you, but you weren't going to entertain their silly idea of a good time.

At some point between all the compliments and rejection, the sad clone you now knew as Fives had settled into a seat on the end of the bar. You noticed him sitting there as the bar area became more sparse, most people opting to make their way towards the dance floor.

You slid up to him and leant on the bar, your jaw resting in your hand as you address him. “So Fives, is this wistful look in your eyes authentic, or was it just so you could win this little thing you 501st boys have going on?” You asked with a cocked eyebrow, and he looked up, the ghost of a smirk crossing his lips.

“I meant it when I said I wasn't a part of their game, not that they believed me after you gave me a free drink” He replied matter-of-factly.

You chuckled slightly, standing up straight, “Can I get you anything?”

He looked behind you at the bar for a short moment. “I probably shouldn't, I hear drowning your sorrows isn't a healthy thing to do” He smiled sadly.

“Why ever else would you come to a bar when you're sad?” You teased slightly, and he huffed a laugh.

“Because I was dragged out of bed by my brothers”

You laughed with a warmth, “Ah well, how about just some water then?”

“Sounds good” He smiled genuinely.

You got him the water from the tap and he thanked you for it before you went about sorting drinks for the other patrons that had approached the bar in the time you had been talking to him. You kept an eye on him out of the corner of your eye as you did so, and he just drank his water at a slow pace, watching his brothers dance ridiculously with a small smile and that same far away look in his eye.

As the night went on and he settled into the chair at the bar more and more, a Pantoran woman approached him, and started flirting with him unashamedly. Fives replied to her questions, not wishing to seem rude, but was too distracted by his own thoughts to entertain the kind of ideas that she surely had about the night. You watched as the Pantoran started getting a bit handsy, placing her hands on his arm and his chest as she talked to him. You saw that Fives didn’t react to this very much, but then she got very close, her lips close to his ear, and he backed away a little.

As she was speaking into his ear seductively, he looked over at you and saw you watching. You averted your eyes as you saw his smirk grow, knowing he caught you looking.

You went about busying yourself with cleaning glasses, facing the back of the bar. When you turned around to serve a customer that called for you, you caught the Patoran woman dancing with another clone on the dance floor. You smiled at the sight, she got what she wanted after all.

Fives was still sat at the end of the bar as your shift came to a close and customers were dwindling a little, so you approached him again.

“You didn't fancy the Pantoran?” You asked and he looked to you from the dance floor, turning his body.

“Didn't want to make you too jealous Cyar'ika” He leaned forward with a smirk and you chuckled.

“How considerate” You rolled your eyes a little as you grabbed a cloth and begun cleaning up the bar. “How come you're still here? Doesn't seem like you're really enjoying yourself” You observed and he released a small sigh.

“Just distracting myself really” He admitted, and you felt yourself wanting to ask more.

You approached the subject tentatively, speaking in a gentle voice, “If it's not too much to ask… what are you distracting yourself from?”

Fives paused, and with a deep sigh, looked to your eyes, seeing only an honesty in them, “I lost a brother a week ago, my twin”

“Oh, I'm so sorry, this must really be the last place you want to be then” You offered him a truly sympathetic look, and he smiled a little.

“I don't know, the company's not so bad” He let his smile grow and you reflected the gesture back at him.

“You're not so bad yourself” You grinned, then your mouth dropped as you became more serious, “But seriously” You placed a hand on his, “I'm really sorry about your brother, I know how hard that is”

He gave you an appreciative smile and turned his hand over in yours, giving it a light squeeze, “Thank you, I really appreciate that”

You smiled, and continued wiping the bar, trying to ignore the warmth that lingered on your hand from his touch.

You started doing little chores before you headed off, sweeping the floor behind the bar. As you were doing so, a rather inebriated clone approached the bar.

“Hey there pretty one, three shots of dark lum please”

“Of course” You replied with a gracious smile, and took three shot glasses from below the bar. As you were pouring the customer's drinks, they tried to talk to you some more.

“Say, when do you get off work tonight beautiful?”

You chuckled, “In a few hours”

“How many hours?”

You shrugged dismissively with a polite smile, “A few”

He kept pressing, but Fives interrupted him before he could really embarass himself.

“She's already got company tonight brother” He told him, a hand on his arm to pull him backwards slightly.

“Fives! I didn't see you there” The clone said, surprised, only earning a grunt from his brother. “Alright, good for you man, nice score” He chuckled and took the shots away as Fives rolled his eyes.

“Sorry about him” He shook his head.

“Its alright, I'm used to it” You shrugged, an appreciative smile directed at him.

“I'm sure you are, but I'm still sorry. Some of my brothers can be a bit… crass”

You laughed at that, “I'm aware”

You watched Fives for a moment, then leant on the bar looking at him intently. “So what are we doing when I get off work then?” You said with mischievous glint in your eye.

“Oh, sorry about that, I just said it so he'd leave you alone” He spoke awkwardly.

You tutted, pursing your lips, “That's too bad, I was rather looking forward to it”

Fives’ eyebrows raised, “You were?” He unconsciously leaned forward a little.

“Perhaps” You said, then pushed back, leaning against the back of the bar, “If you were only joking though-”

“Hold on now, I didn't say that” He challenged, and you bit the inside of your cheek, trying to decide if what you had in your head was really a good idea.

“If you fancy it… there's a place I go when I want to be alone. I know there's not many places like that on Coruscant but I figure you could maybe do with some peace and quiet, just to think, grieve, whatever you want. I was thinking of going there anyway” You shrugged as if it was the most casual thing in the world, offering this almost stranger your safe space.

“That sounds nice” He said genuinely, a smile on his face “I'd love to”

“Alright, well I actually get off in 5 minutes, so be ready” You confessed and he laughed, standing from his seat.

You finished cleaning up and took your apron off, hanging it up in the store room out the back. When you exited the building, Fives was waiting, and when he spotted you coming towards him he pushed off the wall he was leaning against, “Where to?”

You gestured your head towards your speeder bike close by to him and got on. As you began getting it ready to drive, you noticed that Fives was just standing next to you.

“Well get on” You laughed and his ears tinged pink. He climbed on behind you, and you were about to depart but then you turned to him, “Are you gonna hold on or…”

He rolled his eyes a little, “Just trying to be respectful” He mumbled as his hands snaked around your waist holding your abdomen gently. You couldn’t deny the way his touch sent a shiver up your spine, a warmth spreading over the area where his strong arms brushed against you.

“Well you won't get the chance if you fall off, so hold on tight”

The speeder zoomed off as you rolled your hands forward on the handlebars, and Fives’ arms tightened around you as he pulled himself into you. The sensation of him being pressed up against you made you a little breathless, despite the thick layer of armour that separated you from the warmth you could feel emanating from him.

It served as a sudden reminder of the strangeness of the situation you had put yourself in. You saw clones in the bar every day, and while you certainly found them attractive, it had never occurred to you to actually seek any kind of companionship from any of them before. You weren't even certain that was what you were doing right now, every decision you had made up to this point suddenly seemed entirely spontaneous, misguided even.

Halfway through the journey, Fives gently leaned his temple onto the back of your head, and your stomach did a flip. Even at the high speed you were going, you could feel his warm, steady breath ghosting over the back of your ear, and you had to really try not to shudder at the feeling of it.

After around 15 minutes or so, you arrived at your destination. You brought the speeder bike into an alley, and lead Fives to the apartment building you were headed towards.

“Was this just a ploy to get me to come back to your place?” He smirked slightly, a look of disbelief in his eyes.

“No” You chuckled, “This isn't my building” You spoke confidently, walking through the front door. Fives followed after you, entirely confused.

“Hey there doll, late shift again?” The Gran on reception called to you as he noticed you enter.

“It was, I'm so tired” You said dramatically, and Fives' face contorted to one of utter amusement and confusion.

“Got someone with you tonight, that's new. Lucky man” The Gran winked at Fives and you laughed slightly awkwardly.

“Indeed” You said, giving a smirky side glance to Fives, who just stayed quiet throughout the exchange. “See you later Faadu” You called as you made it inside the elevator.

You didn't listen out for the answer, and after the doors closed, Fives turned to you, “I thought you said this wasn't your apartment building”

You smirked and shrugged “He doesn't need to know that”

Fives smirked back at you, and your stomach flipped as you realised how close he was to you in the somewhat confined space. You continued to look at each other, inspecting each other's features. There was definitely a certain charm to Fives that inexplicably drew you to him more than the other clones. His eyes were a deep brown, and as you found yourself lost in them, you couldn’t find it in yourself to remember that they were identical to the ones you so often saw in the bar. Fives went to say something, but the elevator pinged and the doors slid open.

“This is it” You stepped out into the darkened hallway, and traced the steps that were so familiar, though you hadn't been here in a long time.

You made it to the end of the hallway, and hooked your fingers into the door, struggling slightly as you pulled it open. You walked into the empty apartment and made your way over towards the balcony, already captivated by the familiar view out of the large windows.

“Woah” Fives spoke quietly, following you to the balcony.

“I know right” You pushed the doors open and walked up to the railing, leaning your weight onto it, “It's the tallest building in the district, but no one lives on the top floor”

Fives joined you, coming to rest beside you on the railing, and you both looked out on the cityscape. There was a gentle breeze, and you felt your hair shift gently. The view was undeniably beautiful, and being able to look upon the city from above was truly something spectacular, though it held some complicated feelings for you. You were glad that someone was here with you, it was nice to share the space.

“I just find that… When I'm here, it makes my problems seem small, insignificant. Like, I see all these tiny little dots that are really people, and all these different lives, and it brings me… comfort, or perspective, I guess”

Fives watched you confess with interest and you turned to see his expression, full of an emotion you couldn’t quite place your finger on.

“Not that your problems are small, they're not, but-”

“I know what you mean” He smiled, a hand resting on your forearm. He left it there as he recalled something you had said earlier, “How come you were coming here tonight?”

“What?” You asked, swallowing as you felt the warmth of his hand through his glove.

“Before, you said you were coming here anyway” He reminded you.

“Oh, I- um” You looked down to your feet, “I lost my brother a year ago today”

Fives viewed you with a newfound reverence and understanding, and his hand found its way down your arm. He interlaced his fingers with your own, and started rubbing circles on your hand with his thumb. It was certainly a welcome feeling, and it kept your tears at bay, staying as a glassy outer layer to your eyes.

“I know it's not exactly the same as with your brother, but… I came here a lot when I was grieving” You looked up to him, “If it would help you, feel free to come here whenever you want. I mean, it doesn't belong to me anyway” You said, ending in a chuckle and looking out to the view again.

“Thank you, it really means a lot” He smiled, though you weren't looking at him. He followed your lead and looked out to the city as he spoke, “Being in the GAR, losing brothers is part of the deal, and you're expected to just move on, but… It's not that simple, especially with-” He swallowed, “The brother that I lost, we'd been together since we came outta the tube, I don't know what life even means without him next to me” He admitted, and you looked to him to see that his eyes were full of sadness, his eyelids half closed as if weighed down by his emotions.

“What was his name?” You asked, and he looked up to you.

“Echo”

“Why was he called that?” You asked. You knew that often clones’ names held some kind of meaning, or a story behind them at least.

Fives chuckled sadly, “He was always driving us mad by repeating the orders we were given”

You smiled, “And… how did you get your name?”

Fives grinned, “Guess”

You thought for only a split second, “You have a lot of fives in your CT number?”

“Bingo” He smiled, then faltered, looking away wistfully “yeah, ARC-5555”

“You're an ARC?” You asked, a small smirk fighting its way on your face.

“Mhm”

“That's kinda hot”

“It is?” Five turned to you with an incredulous look, and you couldn't help but let your smirk grow.

“Oh yeah, I mean, it's not like, Captain or Commander or even Lieutenant-”

“Alright alright” He rolled his eyes, and your smirk transformed into a genuine smile.

“Was Echo an ARC too?”

His amused expression faltered a little bit, “Yeah, we got promoted together” He sighed, a fond smile gracing his features, “He was always more serious about everything, kept me in check”

“You don't seem like someone who needs keeping in check” You said, tilting your head as you looked at him.

He smirked, “I'm not always this reserved. On any other night I would've been performing for your attention like the rest of my brothers”

“That's ironic I guess” You chuckled.

“How so?”

“You're the only one that did get my attention” You admitted, blushing slightly, now feeling a little sheepish under his gaze.

Fives just smiled subtly and brushed his thumb over your knuckles, reminding you of the fact that he was still holding your hand, “I guess I've gotta keep up the sad and lonely act then”

You laughed, “I don't know about that. It worked on me but I'm not sure that other women are into it”

“That's alright, I wasn't really thinking of trying it on other women” He said, dropping his voice just a bit so that it held a slightly gravelly tone.

You bit back a smirk, “Smooth Fives, very smooth”

He chuckled, “I wasn't kidding, I don't just hold hands with anyone”

“Mhm, I'm sure” You shook your head slightly, looking away from his intense gaze.

The two of you fell into a comfortable silence, letting the noise of the city replace conversation. You could hear the whizzing of speeders and other transports passing by, the noise of the people below very feint from the height of the building. You sighed deeply, remembering your brother, the reason you had come here in the first place. Fives’ thoughts dwelled on the same thing, his own brother.

“Thank you for talking to me about Echo” He spoke just above a whisper and you turned to him, “Most people just give me a sad look and a hand on the shoulder at most. It's nice to actually talk about him”

“I know” You offered him a sad smile, silently telling him you knew how he felt, “Anytime”

Fives smiled and gave your hand a small squeeze.

Being here with Fives was nice, a relief to the mental torment you found yourself enduring when you had been here grieving your brother just after his death. His presence was calming, soothing, and his hand in yours even more so. You found yourself hoping that this wouldn't be the last time you shared this experience with him.

[driftingmoonmenace]

I know I've probably said this before, but like, if you've ever sent me an ask, tumblr message, reply, tag, or whatever and I haven't responded to you, I promise you from the bottom of my heart that it's nothing personal and I'm not avoiding you!

I'm just not the greatest at socializing and I get overwhelmed very easily. I have a very low social battery and I do also have pretty severe memory loss/brain fog so I might see your message and think I responded or have completely forgotten it. So for that I'm super sorry!!

I just want y'all to know that I do care and I enjoy getting messages/replies/asks/stuff from y'all a lot!! I just struggle a bit with getting back to people. 🙇

[especiallythewomenandthechildren]

As If Destiny (part two)🌹

Part One🌹

Summary: You've always been kind hearted yet admirably defiant. Or that is at least one of the ways Coriolanus Snow would describe you. Ever since grade school, you have always been on the same level as him in academics and one of his few competitors for the Plinth Prize. But as tragedy struck your family, Coriolanus thought you would fall away from his life, but instead, you got even more intertwined (not to mention the complicated past knots tying your families together).

Warnings: Terminal illness, parent death, death and brutality (it is the hunger games after all) characters may be ooc. I read the book a while ago but don't really remember much of Snows way of thinking (I mean I know its toxic and insane but yk the other things) so I will mostly be basing off the film and my own thoughts. Also I can't spell for the life of me so be prepared for bad spelling and grammar. Enjoy loves!

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The rest of the day went by quick, with you avoiding Coriolanus as much as possible.

You attempted to be subtle and it probably would have worked on anyone else (besides Sejanus) but Snow was far too intelligent and analytical to not take notice. It was lunch hour and you had made it this far through the day and internally begged that he had long forgotten, but of course, he didn't.

You and Sejanus were in deep conversation about the new renovations occurring in the Capital park and how you were planning on going down there one day and help with the planting and such. Well you were -untill the smack of a lunch tray was heard next to you. You and Sejanus both look up to see a slight smile on Coryo's lips.

"Seat taken?"

Sejanus quickly gestured for him to take his seat with a bright smile while you moved your chair to make more space for you both as he sat next to you while Sejanus was across you both.

"No. Nope. You both are going to be bickering all of lunch and I would like to enjoy my meal in the PEACEFUL company of my friends."

"That was dramatic, even for you, Snow." You playfully chided with a grin.

You baited him and he readily took it, refuting that he has never been or is dramatic. You open your both to refute him when your mutual friend cut you both off

You both shut up at that, you with a slight pout that made Coryo laugh. You were ready to roast the man alive when you got a painful kick to the shin by Sejanus as a warning. With a quick glare, you went back to your meal that consisted of a hearty sandwich and a few fruits on the side along with a cookie for desert. Both boys had a similar portion, Coriolanus with a little more.

It was indeed peaceful as the three of you ate your meal and stared out the vast windows to the beautiful capital. In a quite whisper, Coryo turns to you and asks "How's your wrist?"

You turn to him a bit surprised and embarrassed. You looked into his clear blue eyes and assured him you were completely fine and thanked him for pointing it out. He nodded along but was clearly waiting for you to elaborate. It makes sense why he was waiting. Why did you have so much blood and how did you not feel it?

You were thinking about telling him that it was your mother's. Your peers knew that she was ill and they, along with their parents, sent their well wishes.

But they didn't know how bad it was. No one besides you, father, house staff, and the Plinths, who have become a second family to you.

You always wondered if the wishes were truly sincere. Your mother, Cloria, was an absolute darling of the Capital and everyone loved her so it wouldn't be surprising if they were but then again, they mostly sent them towards the way of your father. He wasn't a cruel or hateful man and a rather good father and person but he was one of the most powerful people in the Capital, thus Panem, and people would be willing to do anything to get on his good side in hopes of sharing that power.

"Are you not hungry, Y/N?" Coriolanus asks you.

You spaced out again. great. You shake your head and offer your lunch to him, seeing as he already finished his and heard his stomach grumble.

"Oh, no that's okay, thank you!"

He flashes you his charming smile that might have caught you off guard but right now, you frankly didn't care. You simply just pushed the tray in his direction until it nearly pushed off his prior tray off the table while you entered the conversation he and Sejanus were having when you were in your head.

The rest of lunch and school day went fine, no more mysterious blotches of blood or the curious stare of those beautiful blue eyes. You made your routine walk home and checked in with your mother, who looked somehow even worse than this morning. She was fast asleep but looked in so much pain and her slight jerks proved your assumption right.

He, like you, never stopped thinking about her and always stayed by her side the second he made it home.

You were questioning whether or not to wake her when the sound of your father's footsteps interrupted. You turned around and gave him a quick hug while he placed a quick kiss on your hairline.

He gave the usual small talk on how school is and how Sejanus is doing. He asked those questions and gave replies to all of your responses but he never once took his eyes off his wife.

You let him know you were going to freshen up and head over to the Plinths and with one last hug, you were on your way.

As soon as your turned, you heard him enter your mother's makeshift hospital room within your penthouse. You sighed thinking about Sejanus's comment on how you were suffering. As you changed and cleaned off, you pondered.

You knew he didnt mean you were suffering like your mother, in physical pain. But were you like your father? You would argue you weren't, you weren't losing the love of your life, the mother of your child. And could you be suffering if you tried to spend as much time away from her as possible?

You weren't suffering, you were a coward. When news of your mother spread, you know some of your peers were slightly pleased, even if with no mal intention, as it was expected that your grades and performance would slip. But it actually turned out to be the exact opposite. You threw yourself in your assignments, the only peace you found besides the warm home of the Plinths. The home, at this point, you have already began the walk to along the paved walkways of the city.

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"That was absolutely delicious, thank you Mrs. Plinth" you try to be as cheery as possible. The meal, some sort of opulent wheat mixture with savory fish, was truly one of the best you've ever had and that's saying something in the Plinth house. But you knew you didn't need to have to amplify your reactions in front of them but it felt rude with any other reaction. She opened her mouth "Why thank you darling but please call me m-" her request was cut off by her son clearing his throat.

The table went silent. You all knew that she was going to request you to call her "Ma", as Mrs. Plinth was far too formal for your relationship with her. She already considered you a daughter but she knew the issue calling her ma might cause you. You were at their dinner table to avoid the constant coughes and screams of your actual mother after all.

You send a reassuring smile and she attempts to bring back the causal mood. "So y/n, Sejanus tells me that you both have an enormous paper for Rhaen." You and Sejanus laugh, knowing how much you both complained about your professor to her. You nod in agreement, informing her that you were probably going to head to the libary after dinner to start on it.

Your confession was received with a groan by Sejanus (which was quickly chided by his ma).

"We just got it today y/n. You can wait a few days, you've been doing so much work lately".

You knew he was trying to make sure you don't get too burnt out, especially before graduation, final exams, and the awarding of the Plinth Prize. But you simply shook your head and reiterated that you are going to start the oh so dreaded assignment.

And that's exactly what you did. That night. The night after. And the night after. It was on your fourth night of extreme working conditions that you were interrupted. You were on your conclusion, tens of pages in, when someone cleared their throat above you. You didn't know what time it was as you always worked untill you were kicked out by the librarian.

"Please, I just have a few more sentences and I'll be completely done. And I mean it this time I swear!"

You didn't even bother to look up, trying to finish up as quickly as possible.

"Wait you already finished Rhaens paper?"

That was indeed not the voice of the ancient looking librarian. You look up, eyes in pain from staring down at your paper for so long, and see once again, those deep blue eyes of Coriolanus Snow.

"What are you doing here?"

You ask, extremely curious why he is here so late at night. wait it was night right? You quickly scan the windows in fear of seeing the breaks of dawn. When you were met with pitch black darkness, you breathed a sigh of relief. Relief so deep that you completely forgot the charming blonde was right in front of you.

"I think I should be asking why you are here. And frankly how long have you been here."

He replies to your current state, which you assumed was quite disheveled. You just shrugged and spread your arms to gesture to your piles of books and papers. He nods in uncertainty while analyzing your face, taking in every detail, seemingly to figure out some sort of mystery you didn't understand.

You just stared back waiting for him to ask the clear questions in his mind. But he just kept on analyzing. Your perception of time was completely warped but even you could understand he was taking too long.

"Hey so since you've been staring for so long, how is my skin care routine looking?"

You said in a slightly irritated tone. He was interrupting your precious moments of focus so he could do whatever he was doing.

Seemingly slightly startled, as if he forgot you were there, he shook his head in apology.

"Is this why you don't sleep at night y/n?"He asks.

Now it was your turn to stare at him. More like a weird mixture of gawking, squinting, and glaring. You were going to open your mouth to question him and why in the world Sejanus told him (as he was the only one who knew), but he put his hands up in defense.

"Sejanus didn't tell me if that's what you were thinking. It's clear on your face. You have bags, you look pale, and you are never focused in class. I never wished to ask as I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or attacked."

He confessed the last part a little quieter, seeming to remember your reaction when he pointed out the blood on your sleeve.

You ducked your head, a habit nowadays, and tried to recollect yourself. Figure out some sort of response. If you told him yes, you were days without proper sleep because of your writing, it wouldn't technically be lying. But it didn't feel right. Coriolanus would understand, you were sure of it. You knew he lost his mother and he would sympathize.

You also wanted to assure him you weren't trying to be cutthroat about the Plinth Prize. In fact, you wished he wins it rather than you, he worked harder than you and most definitely than any of your other classmates.

But any response was cut by the voice of the actual ancient looking librarian.

"You said you were just going to get your book and leave young man. We closed ten minutes ago and yet you both, especially you miss, have overstayed. Go home. It's far too late and your families must be worrying. You are academy students are you not?"

Her stern words echoed into the empty libary that you just noticed. You both nodded to her question and she responded with a heavy sigh, shaking her wrinkly head while muttering something about teenagers nowadays. You were going to ponder that if she is upset with you two being good students and dedicated to your work was bad, how were teens back in her days? And you most likley would have ended up down a rabbit hole of thoughts if you didn't notice Coryo picking up your books and putting then in your bag.

"Oh you don't need to do that, I got it!"

You got up, far too fast and nearly fell over. He quickly grabbed you by your arm and pulled you back, steadying you. You stare up at him surprised and still a bit shook as he flashes you "yeah sure you are" kind of look. He finishes up clearing your table before giving you his arm to lead you out the libary, speed walking past the harsh glare of the old woman, a few giggles coming out of you due to your situation.

You and him walked in silence for a few minutes and you took it all in. It was late at night and you were on the arm Coriolanus Snow as he carried your bag and took you home. Once the thought hit you, you were sure that you were blushing, hoping the lights of the Capital didn't illuminate it too much. But it wasn't a bad thought. No, not in the slightest.

You found it endearing, even a slight desire. you are definitely in a hazy state, your voice of reason mentioned at your attempts to delude the intentions of his actions.

"Would it be okay if I took you upstairs? I want to make sure you make it there safely" He wonders as you reach the base of your complex. Aww, he wants to make sure you made it home safely.

His concern was a quick reminder however of your weak state and inability to move nor act (or think, that little voice chimed in) normally. In reality, he probably didn't want to be arrested for your murder because he was simply the last person seen with you before you fell down the stairs because you can't even count the number on your fingers properly.

You nodded and he led the way, opening up the door for you. You weren't really conscious as he clicked the button for the elevator (something you forgot existed in your imagination of how the night would have gone if the boy was not with you) or when you both got to your front door. But your consciousness came in full force and all of your sleepy haze went away as you heard the absolutely horrific screams of your mother.

how did you forget. how did you forget. Somehow, on your entire walk with Coriolanus and when asked if he could take you up, you completely forgot what would be awaiting you. And the absolute horror it must be for him. You quickly turn to him, as he looked like he was going to kick down the door and come to her rescue. You rushed to pull him back, attempting to assure him.

"It's okay Coryo! She just gets like this sometimes. My father is with her and so are nurses. I promise, it's okay. Thank you truly for taking me home, go get some rest".

You try to assure him with a smile, but he wasn't looking at you. He was staring straight ahead at your door, his chest rising up and down in deep pants and breaths. You try to get his attention but it wasn't working, so you put a few finger on his chin and make him look at you.

Looking deep in his eyes, you evenly say "It's okay. Please, just go home Coryo, I'm sure your family is worried where you are."

He says nothing for a moment, simply gazing deep into your sympathetic eyes. In a whisper, his question comes out more as a statement.

"This why you haven't been sleeping?"

You sigh, knowing there is no need to deflect now. You nod and take a breath, ready to turn around and head into your home, knowing you will be up for hours. Then another round of your mother's shrieks hit your ears and you cringed back tears and shuddered at the sound.

You were still close enough to Coryo that you backed up into him in reaction. He quickly wrapped an arm around you protectively, as if he could shield you from her pain. You didn't know what to do, so you just stood there, wrapped by his arm just listening untill it intensified for a quick second as the door opened.

Rhayes, your long-time family chauffeur but who is more of uncle as he has been serving your family since your mother was your age, came out. He seemed stunned and alarmed, you assumed from the scene inside but the way he stared at Coriolanus arm around your torso made you question.

"Apologies, miss y/n, I thought I heard voices".

His eyes flicked over you both once again as he spoke.

You wondered how to explain your situation and were going to move Coryo's arm off you before he interrupted with "No need, we simply came by to let someone know y/n will be staying with my family, if that is alright."

It seemed both you and Rhayes were shocked into stillness. He however recovered much faster.

"Is that so?" He asked skeptically, looking at you for confirmation.

You were thinking about brushing Coriolanus statement off and letting him peacefully rest for the night, not wishing to be a burden to him or his family. But he seemed concerned, was he not? You couldn't trust yourself at this point, but you could trust the slight squeeze he gave with his hand to let you know it was okay.

You nodded your head in agreement and that seemed to worry Rhayes even more, a look of guilt in his eyes.

"Would you please tell my father that I stayed with a friend and will be back tomorrow. I still have work to get done."

Your loyal driver takes in the situation once more and nods his head in obedience, wishing you a good night and well wishes with your ever growing work.

He opened the door into the now silent home as your mother has seemed to have calmed and looked back at you with those deep brown eyes of his, searching for something, as he closed the door. You didn't realize the quick glare however, he sent deep into the eyes of the Snow heir. Once the door was closed, Coryo moved his arm from snaking around your waist and around your front, to holding your hand and leading you towards the elevator once more.

He dragged you a few feet when you stopped, making him turn around fast and landing quite close to your face. You were looking up into his eyes, which seemed to sparkle under the dim warm lights of your penthouse hallways. He looked back into your eyes, something that seems to be happening quite often lately.

"Are you sure?"

You were nervous to ask, not wishing to offend him (and in all honesty, dreading returning back to your situation). He seemed to somehow deepen your shared stare and leaned in a little bit closer.

He whispered "Let's go home darling".

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A/N: AHHHHHH! Two chapters back to back! Don't expect this pace to keep up however, especially with school returning back (only for a few more weeks but still). I know it was LONG and maybe unnecessarily so. You guys are warriors for reading through all that! I know I said that characters may be ooc but Snow may be the most. I know he seems pretty fluffy rn but I am trying my best not too change him too much as I find him interesting with his flaws. Also, in later chapters, you will see that he is now the only one with a flawed character and outlook (cough reader cough). But hey, maybe this time, he will use one of those chances to reform. or not. Guess you just have to wait and see! Thank you again and much love❤️

@notyourwildestdream 🌹

[enigmatist17]

Absolutely feral over Hashtag and Starscream, like wtf why is this the cutest thing I've ever seen

It's probably something to do with the fact I was up at 3am watching this show for some of the best Starscream content since Prime/Armada

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"Starscream is observing us. Again." Nightshade hummed as they headed up and out of the barn, face buried in the latest novel Dad had given them.

"Wasn't he here, like, yesterday?" Jawbreaker asked, Thrash and Twitch practicing their sparing while he watched from the sidelines, more than content to focus on the miniature painting he was working on. Whatever answer Nightshade could have given was drowned out by the noise of someone transforming, Hashtag speeding up and into the woods behind the Malto homestead, everyone stopping in place to watch her leave.

"She does know I did not tell her where he's currently residing, yes?" The scientist looked at the tracks left behind, more amused than anything else.

"She'll figure it out." Thrash shrugged before tackling Twitch, earning a squeak of indignation from his sister.

They didn't need to worry, Hashtag had figured out where Starscream liked to observe her homestead after his first visit, but just hadn't had the nerve to approach him. Sure, it was a bit of a silly thing to feel, but Hashtag didn't want to push her...friend? Ally?, too hard, but it had been two months, and enough was enough! The jet seemed to be focused on the horizon when she made the trek uphill, the large rocks serving as an adequate chair for the massive Transformer. They sat silently for a while, Hashtag remaining in her alt form as the various wildlife and rush of a distant stream filled the conversation neither seemed to want to start.

"Soooooo, where have you been?" Patience was not Hashtag's strong suit, and the short venting of air from the seeker beside her almost sounded amused.

"I have been...around." Starscream finally moved for the first time since she'd arrived, glancing down at her alt mode. The radar dish on the top of her vehicle faced up toward Starscream, and she transformed a moment later when he tipped his head, sitting cross-legged on the ground with a grin. "You've improved your blaster accuracy."

"I have!" Hashtag looked quite pleased, tapping her servos against her plating with a grin. "Bumblebee said I just need to keep at it, but I really like it when Arcee drops by, she gives me all sorts of tips. Wait, how did you know? Nightshade only mentioned you a few times, and we train mostly during the day?" Starscream seemed a bit stunned at the torrent of words sent his way, memory packets he'd forgotten about flashing fuzzy images of sparklings that were long dead for a moment before he shoved them back and into deep stasis. He'd never truly been comfortable around children, and even less so after the War began, yet here he was, listening to the young mech beside him ramble on about something called barbeque like it was just another solar-cycle.

" -scream? You listening?" Shuttering his optics, Starscream noted she had moved to stand before him, one hand hovering just above making contact with his knee with her optics staring at his wings. "Hellooo?"

"I...apologize, my mind wandered. What are you staring at?"

"Sorry, it's probably super rude to stare, but I've not really had a chance to look at wings like yours like, ever? Fights happen so fast you know, and the rare videos I find before G.H.O.S.T wipes 'em don't really give me a look either." Once again, it's another torrent of words, and the Decepticon can feel his wings rising slightly in discomfort. "Sorry, did I upset you?"

"N-No, you've done nothing wrong." When was the last time someone asked how he was feeling?

"Oh, okay!" Primus bless her, the little one's eyes lit up as she clasped her servos together. "Sooo, were you always able to fly, or did you have a ground alt once upon a time?"

"No, I have always been a Seeker." Starscream motioned for the smaller bot to sit beside him, shifting to the side so she had plenty of space. "My frame was initially suited for deep-space exploration rather than combat, but that changed quickly enough when the War began. I don't think I could ever enjoy being away from the sky, it is as much a part of me as every inch of my frame."

"Nightshade has said that too. Ever since they took their alt form, they have talked about flying like I do when I hack or manipulate things. There's just no other feeling like it." The Seeker nodded, and Hashtag was relieved to see his wings lower slightly, adding one mental tally mark to her "Operation Get Starscream To Relax" board.

"It is a feeling unlike any other, for every type of Cybertronian. I have seen those who command oceans as if they were assembled by it, others who use the strength of beasts long dead as if they'd been one their entire creation. Had it not been for so many things, you too might have seen the wonders that were our people."

"Well, I wouldn't mind listening to you talk about them." Hashtag hugged her legs to her chassis with a smile, ever the eager youngling waiting for a tale.

"If you're going to talk, you might as well bring this party to the house." The sudden voice behind them made both mechs jump, Starscream pointing his null ray at whatever the threat was as he tucked Hashtag behind him, only to find...Lieutenant Malto.

Ah...frag

"Hi Mom!" Hashtag stood up so she could see from behind Starscream's wings, waving as the null ray was powered back down. "How'd you know where to find us?"

"A mother knows, sweetie." The smile on the human's face was a little forced, which the Decepticon had to give was justified. "You doing alright?"

"Yep! Starscream has been answering some of the questions I've wanted to ask, and we've just been sitting up here and enjoying the view." She fully moved from behind the older mech as she spoke, standing beside the comically shorter woman who refused to break eye contact with Starscream, who just stared right back. "Are you serious about letting him come to the house?"

"Maybe, maybe not. If we're going to have guests, we should be prepared, right? Why don't you go and get some of the nice energon ready, and let your Dad know I'll be down soon."

"Okay! Oh I can't wait to show you around!" With a wave, Hashtag transformed and booked it down the mountain road her mother had used, leaving the two to stare silently at each other.

"What do you want with my daughter?" Ah, there it is.

"Nothing, I was merely...observing." As much as it loathed his inner demons, Starscream knelt down so they were more or less at an even height, both soldiers coiled for a fight that may or may not happen. "I was unaware she knew I've been here."

"I knew they'd catch on sooner or later, you didn't exactly pick the most hidden spot." Starscream rolled his optics, noting the other had relaxed slightly. "What have you been doing, since the big escape?"

"Hiding, mostly. I've no desire to be tortured again." It took her past as a fighter for Dot not to flinch at the angry hissing coming from the mech, face impassive when Starscream had to shake his helm for a moment. "Nor do I wish to see...him."

"...we're getting close to exposing G.H.O.S.T, for what it's worth. All of us are, and I'm sorry you had to suffer at their hands."

"Are you? I'm a Decepticon, surely this must be thrilling to hear, after all we've done?" There's no venom in those words; all Dot can hear is what isn't there as his wings hike up his back, and servos curl into fists. "Getting what we truly deserve, no?"

"All I see before me, is a mech who is tired. A mech who is exhausted, yet took the time to sit with my daughter, protect her from a perceived threat, and stare down her mother despite knowing I could take you down." The hissing is back, a slight red filter sweeping across blue optics before fading just as quick, but Dot holds her ground without batting an eye. "All I see is a Seeker without a trine, and while we may not be one, a little company can't hurt you, can it?" Starscream just....stares, and Dot wishes the bots breathed like humans did, just to offset how unsettling it was when mechs could watch without a single movement. That was one of the things that really got under her skin, and she was grateful that her kids hadn't learned that particular skill yet, full of too much energy and life to sit still like a waiting snare.

"You dare speak of my trine." The sentence nearly made her jump, the tall mech leaning closer with a blank look. "You understand nothing."

"No, I don't." It's a simple response, but it's all she can give. "Now, let's not keep the kids waiting." For the first time, Dot turns her back to Starscream to get into her truck. The Seeker is fully onto his pedes by the time she has the car on, his gaze focused on the home he can see just down the hill. "Don't break the fence, or you'll be the one fixing it."

"As you wish."

So this is how a Decepticon finds himself drinking the first pure energon in too many cycles to count, surrounded by mech younglings and cautious humans as the first mech to believe him waved her servos around, grinning as she told the tale of their first meeting. It is not...entirely how he thought the evening would go, but every time Hashtag smiled at the Seeker, something seemed to unfurl in his Spark, something that should have died off long ago.

So when she asks him to stay, even if it's for one night, Starscream does without hesitation.

[ox1-lovesick]

🏹 he loves me not - p.sh

pairing. bf!sunghoon x gn!reader genre. angst, hurt, lovers to exes, exes to strangers warnings. unrequited love (?) half assed writing, mentions of food wc. 669

type. drabble

a/n. I know I said I don't write for enha anymore (which I don't) but I started moving my drafts to google docs and found this from over a year ago 😭 it was almost done so I edited it a bit. I do have more drafts for enha, if I finish them I'll probably post them too

Somehow, being in a relationship feels exactly the same as being single does. There's no one next to you when you wake up in the morning, no one to keep you company while you eat breakfast, no one to check in on you during the day and ask if you've been drinking enough water, no one to wish you goodnight and cuddle with until the sun rises again the next day, and then do it all over again.

At least not after your honeymoon phase; he was all over you when you'd first started dating. Sunghoon let you know that he loved you every single day. Whether he sent flowers to your home with handwritten messages or simply asked how your day was, you never felt out of place in his arms; in fact, it was the only place you felt fully at home in. Sunghoon was your definition of love; you didn't know what it was before he came into your life.

But these days, you're forgetful. You forgot what it feels like to be held by him; the embrace that greeted you every night when he came home slowly lost its warmth until it felt like his blood ran cold, and then he didn't bother to acknowledge you at all.

You forgot what his voice sounds like. You've never known 4 hours to come and go quicker than when you were on a call with him. The space between hello and goodbye was a blur of nothing but smiles and laughter. He'd beg you, "Just five more minutes" until the birds are chirping as the sunlight seeps through your curtains, and even then he wasn't tired of talking to you. The last time he called you was three months ago.

You've even forgotten what he looks like. The mole on the bridge of his nose—or maybe it was the corner of his lip—that you adored more than any feature on his face Endless coos, and that left him pink, bashful, and giggly. There was nothing that put Sunghoon in a better mood than when you'd fuss over his beauty spots and litter them with kisses. Every time you mention how pretty you find them, the thought of getting them removed is all that crosses his mind

He's been slowly moving out of your apartment, bit by bit. Asking for a hoodie of his you stole back, books, and stationery, he left so he could work on the weekends he spent with you and make their way to his dorm with him, the scent of his cologne on your bedsheets dissipating until the bitter stench of laundry detergent is all that's left. He never brings anything for you any more, but he'll always leave with something, and that will be the last you see of it—see of him—until he's back to take something else from you.

He'll sit there and watch his phone ring. Your name, decorated with a red heart he felt too guilty to remove, lights up his screen for the third time that day, and he'll wait for it to go to voicemail, then he'll wait some more to tell you he was busy and will call you when he can—even though you both know he won't.

The guys know now to stop asking about you; never mention how long it's been since they've seen you; never ask when you're going to visit again; and never ask how you are. They won't get an answer because Sunghoon doesn't know.

It hurts more than you'd ever imagined—probably because you'd never imagined it at all. The thought of your love turning rotten never crossed your mind, ever. A part of you is still in denial, believing his excuses and telling yourself that he does still love you, even when he hasn't said it in months.

But no matter how many flowers you pluck to the stigma or dandelions you make a wish on, your head knows the answer, and so does your heart.

He loves you not.

🗯️ taglist. @k-labels @kpopcontentcreatorsclub @kflixnet @fairy-yeo @tsxkkis @kynrki @hoonfever @haknom @soov

★ OX1-LOVESICK all rights reserved. do not copy, distribute, translate, alter or repost my work without my explicit permission.

[avocadoooo]

foolish one

character: alhaitham x fem!reader

a/n: i didn't do the whole song, small letters intended, also never proofread🤸‍♀️ do send in requests❗

you give me just enough attention to keep my hopes too high

rubbing the sides of your forehed, you let out a heavy sigh while looking at the random numbers and formulas written in paper infront of you that you've been trying to understand for the past twenty minutes. the longer the time passes, the longer the number jumbles and shuffles together.

and when you were right on the edge of giving up, you a pair of hands clap right next to your hear startling you.

"you've been staring at that stack of paper for the past twenty minutes and you haven't even gotten passed the first page yet," you hear a familiar voice say, immediately recognizing the owner of it.

"if you're not going to help, best get away. i'm not in the mood to deal with your scolding today, alhaitham."

he doesn't say anything and you hear some shuffling, thinking that he's going to leave, you put your headphones on when suddenly the chair infront of you was pulled from its place. he sits down, dropping a stack of paper infront of you with his neat handwriting of his notes, ready to help with the parts you struggled with (all of it).

wishful thoughts forget to mention when something's really not right

arguing with alhaitham was one that tried their best to avoid, not just because he always thinks that he's right, but also because he makes you think you're making a big deal of things that really are a big deal.

alhaitham's eyebrows meet as he says, "i just ate outside, i didn't think you'd make that big of a deal out of this."

you roll your eyes, already used to him saying those words as you say, "you ate outside when i told you i was going to go and cook us dinner. you also went out of your way to go with nilou, you know how i feel about her, haitham."

he crosses his arms, already over the argument and says, "we've gone over this millions of times already, i told you that she's just a colleague. will you ever get over this? it's getting tiring"

a tear drops as you turn around, locking yourself in your room and your heart with you.

and i will block out these voices of reason in my head

all the signs were pointing to the exit. you knew that it was probably the best thing to do, especially in your situation, but were you going to do it? of course.

you won't.

every single thing about him was screaming red, that it was something wrong and dangerous. and you were well aware of that.

but you always liked red better than green anyway.

and the voices say, "you are not the exception, you will never learn your lesson"

you knew that staying in yours and alhaitham's relationship is a bad idea, hoping that things would turn around and work out for the better.

but you also knew that wishing for that would be throwing another star to the already millions of missed shining ones.

and yet you did anyway. your friends advices going into one ear and out the other as you run back to him. but you know they'll be there for you, ready to catch you as you fall into their arms, crying once again.

you swear you won't come back to him, that you'll be choosing yourself this time around and it'll be better as they nod along, knowing that you'll be back by his side in the morning, things said the night before already forgotten as you look at him with lovestruck eyes.

and you know damn well that he knows that as well.

foolish one, stop checking your mailbox for confessions of love, that ain't never gonna come

was what your friends always told you numerious times, on multiple occasions. have you ever listened? no. have they gotten tired of reminding you? yes. they've realised that you're foolish, you were always a hopeless romantic, but they never thought you'd be a foolish one as well.

and here you were, all dolled up for your anniversary dinner, phone on the table you're sitting infront of with the messages you sent hours ago, looking down at the device with teary eyes.

"hey al, i know you're busy with work but i just wanted to remind you of the date we have tonight! you also said you'd send what you were gonna wear so we can match, see u:))" - sent at 11:30am

"it's 3 hours 'til the date but can you send me the picture if you're not too busy since yk i take a while to get ready. thanks, love" - sent at 3:03 pm

"an hour to go and i have to leave in 20mins, we won't be able to match since you haven't sent me yours, sorry:((" - sent at 5pm

"here at the [location], take your time though" - sent at 5:50pm

you checked the watch on your wrist, 7:43pm, it read. it's been two hours now that you were waiting for your beloved to show up.

"maybe he's just working overtime" he would never work over time.

"he's probably stuck in traffic" the reason you had to leave 20 minutes early was because this place was 5 minutes from his work place so it'd be more convenient for him to come.

"his boss most likely asked him to stay late" he is the boss.

even if you were the one being embarrassed for waiting for wlmost two hours in a restaurant, you still tried making excuses for his behavior anyway.

you grabbed your phone and started typing away

"love, i might leave now since it's been almost two hours that i've waited, you're probably home already since you got tired from work and forgot about the date, it's okay though, we can make up next year"

then you hit send, and just as the message gets delivered as you stood up, a phone chimes from the entrance so you turn to look.

and then there he was, standing at the front talking to the server and you smile thinking that maybe he was just late after all when he walks in and turns to look back out, with his hand extending out.

a hand holds his delicately as nilou walks in.

he turns, looking around the restaurant when you lock eyes, his are shocked, while yours are filled with disappointment. you shook your head as you walk out the exit door, not even bothering to look back as he calls out your name.

you were indeed, the foolish one.

[xenocorner]

Here's some little christmas gifts for some amazing mutuals that have made this year a whole lot more bearable with their amazing content and their amazing interactions and just being amazing in general :']

Long post ahead so divider here to spare your scrolling. (I am also probably gonna get a bit sappy so if that makes you cringe: you've been warned lol)

@lilbitofmac Thank you for being my introduction to the fandom here on tumblr :'''D I really think I wouldn't have stuck around if it weren't for your initial warmth and encouragement. Your Tony remains my fave Tony I go feral over your art orz I may or may not have the clingy ironstrange drawing as a phone wallpaper-

Hope next year is kinder on you man! I know we don't really talk outside of tags/replies, but if you ever need smthn I can help with my inbox is always there.

@strxngetimes I'm just tagging this one blog because I don't want to spam all your other blogs lmao. Thank you for sharing your interpretations of the characters with us, not only the rps with other muses but also the headcanons and brainrot. It's always such a pleasure both to see you on the timeline writing with other muses and on the inbox with the disaster man.

I specially like how you include his Cloak in the mix and give it a personality- I absolutely adore the Cloak :'') So here's it being all clingy to the disaster man. Hope to see more of you having fun with all ur muses in the coming year :D

@starkkawajiri Pretty art!! Hilarious and heart wrenching character interactions!!! I love your designs and lore building so much. Fanboying over the same disaster man and making him suffer always brings a smile to my face. I've wanted to draw your Strange for a while now, so this was also the perfect excuse, I love him so much you have no idea-

Can't wait to see more of your amazing designs and lore stuff for this AU! (and anything else you create next year :])

@nekojetto I think your Strange is the purest Strange there is and the fact that it's based off Supreme makes that so much more impressive. Your animatics are simply breath taking, and whenever I go back to check your concepts and sketches for character interactions I always get a smile on my face :D

I'm sorry I haven't gotten to the collab just yet :'') Plz know I still have it in mind, haven't forgotten about it and am still just as excited to finally get to it as I was the first day!

@infiniteeight8 Your words make me cry and laugh so much all the time :'') You write the disaster men so beautifully both in serious, fluffy, angsty and funny situations. Reading ur stuff keeps the creative juices flowing!

I remember you liked the vampire Stephen prompt you were sent, so here's some of that, even if it's more halloween-y than christmas-y.

[daisyblog]

Always Here

When We Were Young Masterlist Summary: YN promises to support Louis.

After the band's last performance together in December on The X Factor, YN struggled a lot. After five busy years of non-stop travelling, singing, writing and recording and having their lives planned out, YN felt lost, she didn't know who she was or what she wanted to do.

In the first month of the hiatus, Louis announced the birth of his son, Freddie. He had sent YN a text to share the news, along with a photo of the little baby. She remembers staring at the message, part of her was thrilled that Louis was now a father, and clearly taking to fatherhood amazingly. But the other half of her felt a pang in her chest, missing what they once had and thinking back to the times where they had discussed having children of their own and even thought about names they liked. But like always, YN was always sweet and kind and typed out a message.

Congratulations Lou! Freddie is adorable. I hope Mum and baby are doing well 💙

She had even sent a message to his Mum and sisters congratulating them on becoming a grandmother and aunties. She sent a parcel to Louis and Briana that included baby stuff for their new arrival.

Wanting to escape reality and try and find normality, whatever that was, YN and her family went on holiday to a quiet area in Cyprus, where they enjoyed some much-needed family time, exploring new places. Soaking up the sun, sea and sand. Enjoying being YN, a daughter and a sister, and not YN LN from the biggest band.

Once YN had returned to her home in London, after her holiday, she reached for her guitar. She loved writing songs in the band but they were always changed to be from a male perspective, but now she was free to write from the heart. As she began to strum on the strings, words came following after, almost like she felt she was free to sing her feelings without worrying about the boys or management not approving.

You want someone you can show off Whenever you go out She'll wear a tight mini black dress With all her friends around And then you'll probably spend the night at Her nice big house And by then, I'll just be someone You've forgotten about, oh

If you say she's nothing to worry about Then why'd you close your eyes when you said it out loud?

Stupid boy makin' me so sad Didn't think you could change this fast She's got everything that I don't have How could I ever compete with that? I know you'll go and change your mind One day wake up and be bored with mine She's got everything that I don't have And she's all I wanna be All I wanna be so bad So bad She's got everything that I don't have And she's all I wanna be All I wanna be

Once YN had written one song, she couldn't stop, it was like everything she had built up inside her for the last five years was ready to be released. She didn't necessarily know if she wanted to do anything with the songs, but singing them out loud felt good, almost like a release of new life.

---

YN was absolutely devastated when she heard the news of Jay, Louis's Mum. Her heart crumbled, she was heartbroken for Louis and his family. Jay had been a big part of YN and Louis's relationship, and she had grown close to her in that time. She was a caring, kind and beautiful woman inside and out. That evening, YN lit a candle in her living room as she sat and reflected. It hit her that night how short life was and how quickly someone can be gone from your life. She made a promise to herself and Jay that night as she looked up "I promise, I'm going to look after him". YN wanted to let Louis know she was thinking of him, and she typed out message after message and deleted them straight after because they just weren't right. She thought of something she and Louis would do when they were together to let the other know they were thinking of them. So she sent him a song, that reminded her of him with a row of heart emoji's.

YN was shocked at the message that stared back at her from Louis after she had sent him the song 'I miss sending you songs, thank you for remembering it means a lot to me. I love you YN ❤️'

Louis was performing his new single on The X Factor with Steve Aoki, and YN along with the other boys had planned to show their support and attend the show. YN would be lying if she said she wasn't nervous, she hadn't seen Louis for a year and these circumstances made her nerves worse.

Harry arranged to pick YN up from her home so they could travel to the venue together. She was so grateful to Harry, despite him being the youngest of the group, he watched over her like an older brother and she loved him for it. He always knew when she was anxious or worried about something, and would be there to ease the pressure and talk her through it.

As the four entered the backstage room where Louis and his team were currently waiting. YN felt two arms wrap around her and she pulled Lottie's frame closer to her "Hey..it's okay..I'm here" she spoke into the younger girl's ear. That was another thing, YN was like an older sister to Louis' sisters, especially Lottie who joined them for their last tour, so when they split she hardly saw the younger Tomlinsons.

"I've missed you so much" Lottie admitted as she still clung onto YN, looking for comfort.

Over Lottie's shoulder, she could see Liam, Niall and Harry hugging Louis and him thanking them for coming. But as Louis glanced over and spotted YN comforting his sister, his eye glossed over a second. As Lottie released YN, she was pulled into a hug by the other boys.

Louis took the opportunity to wrap his arms around YN's shoulders as she wrapped hers around his waist "Thank you so much for comin' darlin'"

YN looked up into Louis' eyes "I'm here for you always"

Louis swallowed his tears and nodded his head "I need you now more than ever" he admitted.

"And I'm going to be there..I promise"

---

YN had stuck to her promise, in every message or call she received from Louis, she was there, day or night. She had spent hours holding him in her arms and she held him close and tight as the tears and sobs left him. It was the most heartbreaking scene she had witnessed. She wanted to take his pain away, but how could she? So she did everything she could, she listened when he talked, she held him while he cried and everything in between.

Tag List: (let me know if you would like to be added) @peterholland04 @werewolfbansheelove

[writingdevil]

Bloom [Hermittober24 Day Fourteen]

( Prompt list created by @collierose1 )

(Warning-Body horror)

Cleo sighed harshly as the body wouldn't move in the exact way that she wanted,its lifted arm looking awkward and unnatural.She raked a hand through her hair in frustration and checked the time-twenty minutes to midnight and the party,and Bdubs still wasn't here.

She ignored the worry and annoyance in her undead heart,purely focusing on decorating,even though Bdubs was technically the one decorating this place.

It's fine.He probably just got distracted talking to Etho or Scar or whatever.He'll still be here before the party,Cleo knew that Bdubs was never a person to be late.

So she focused on her statues,picking up her dress as she walked around the vast garden that the party would be held in,two long white tables filled with food and drink,enough to last a full week of festivities,and all along the garden,were statues.

Well-corpses,to be exact,but it's been a long time since Cleo has ever seen them as human.

She studied the statue in front of her,its face calm with its eyes closed,much more lovely than the frozen scream it had originally been in.

She wrapped the thick,black thread around her wrist a few times,then gently pulled down,tugging the arm a few inches,until it looked like the statue was offering her a dance.That would do.

She tore off the thread with her teeth,then spent the next few minutes attempting to uncurl the statue's frozen fingers,so that they were splayed out and welcoming.

It was only once she was satisfied with her work that she heard a frantic,"I'm here,Cleo!I'm here!" getting closer and closer to her.

She stepped away from the statue,quickly checking the time-five minutes to midnight?!

She glared playfully at Bdubs as he ran up to her,his large,mossy cloak probably weighting him down. "Bdubs!The party's gonna start any minute!I thought you had forgotten about me."

Bdubs leaned forward as he tried to catch his breath,but he still looked her in the eye as he replied,"No Cleo,I'd never do that to you."with a particular amount of passion and sincerity that it actually managed to douse the flames of her rage.

They allowed him to catch his breath,arms crossed as she looked ahead at the entrance.Empty, thankfully,but not for long.

"Okay,you've had enough time.More than enough, actually-"

"Oh would you stop-"

"Do your part now."

"You don't have to rush me,"Bdubs waved her off and walked over to the statue they had just been working on,giving it an impressed look."This guy kinda looks like he's offering to dance."

"That's the point-"

Then,without any warning,Bdubs grabbed the statue's hands,and proceeded to dance with it, dragging it around while singing loudly,"La da dee, la da doo,la da dum."

Cleo wanted to be mad.She really did.But the sight of Bdubs clumsily dragging a frozen corpse around,its feet digging into the grass,while singing terribly off-key,was just enough to make her burst out laughing.

She tried to cover her mouth to put a stop to it,to keep being angry at Bdubs for all the stress he put her under all day,but all he was making her feel right now was joy,as her stomach began to hurt from laughing so much.

They failed to notice the relieved smile Bdubs sent her,or the light green glow that began to emit around him,not until all the foliage around them began to be encompassed in the light.

When Cleo had finally relaxed,their giggling turned into a soft gasp,as flowers bloomed and burst from the hedges surrounding the garden,colours and shapes of all kinds popping up.

But the most gorgeous thing,was when vines wrapped around the statues that Cleo had made and positioned,small flowers blooming forth all the way up their arms and hair,and even out of their ears and open mouths.The statues went from cold,stiff objects that stood out,to looking as if they always belonged there.

Cleo would always be in awe at Bdubs magic,no matter how many times he bloomed for everyone.

They didn't even notice when the other Hermits started arriving,gasping and pointing at the statues covered in fauna.They only came back to reality when Bdubs slid up next to them,giving them a playful nudge.

When Cleo looked down at him,he was grinning and giving her a look that said,'See?'to which Cleo rolled her eyes and shoved him aside and said,"I will allow you to be off the hook this time.Next time, you're gonna be one of the statues."

"That's fine,I know you'll make me look beautiful."

"Jesus Christ."

[idontlikeem]

i'd like to talk about grieving, a little bit. as in the past, discussions of death and cancer below the cut, don't read if this will hurt you, etc....i'm having a bad day and i just need to stream of consciousness for a little bit. sorry.

so my mom died. if you've read my personal posts before or whatever, you probably figured that out. it happened on thursday february 15th around noon. luckily we had a bit of notice that it was coming, so i was able to drive down the saturday prior and spend time with her—three full days where she was pretty much still herself, and part of a fourth.

it's been a really hard month. like, obviously. but i think a part of me still wasn't quite ready for it. i don't know how.

my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2011. she had a mastectomy and went through chemo, and that was hard and scary, but it was i think technically considered stage one—a tumor that was definitely growing fast, but it hadn't spread out of the area, like not to her lymph nodes or anything, and with the treatment she went almost ten years totally symptom-free. right at the start of the pandemic, the cancer came back, but this time it was already stage four, and it was in her abdomen and uterus and intestines.

there was a time when we weren't sure she'd live more than a year. endometrial and other reproductive cancers aren't 'sexy' like breast cancer is, they're not widely studied and there aren't a lot of treatment options. when she had breast cancer i hated 'save the boobies' campaigns (and please never donate to susan komen), but now that my family has lived with another type of cancer that doesn't have tits as a draw, i hate them even more.

my mom made it four years, pretty much, since the first diagnosis. she did chemo, and radiation, and went on medication trials, and put her body through hell to try and fight it. she lived longer than i think any of us thought she would.

the problem with that is how long i've been existing in a state of grief.

i've had years to prepare for this. i've thought about it literally thousands of times—how i'd feel, how i'd tell people, what i'd do after. i pictured it, because i was trying to plan. i was trying to get myself ready.

turns out pre-grieving isn't real. turns out you can't get this pain out of the way by experiencing it in advance. much to my chagrin. i'm not sure there was a way to avoid it, though. so here i am, with four years of grief behind me, and not one second of it has made what's going on now any easier.

some days i forget. every time i'm on twitter or instagram, there are posts i want to send her, and then i don't know what to do with myself. for all that my relationship with her had its hard times, she was my mom, she was my best friend. i love her more than anything and i don't know what to do with myself now that she's gone.

i've been sort of just surviving for the last four weeks. my apartment is a mess, i'm barely leaving, i haven't been good at responding to people. so today i thought i'd at least clean up a little. i'd gone to target a day or two before i drove down to my parents', and i figured i would start with those bags, because they were just sitting there.

i'd forgotten that i bought valentine's day cards for my whole family that i wanted to send. one for each of my brothers, one for my dad, one for my mom. i never sent them, obviously, i didn't even bring them with me. i burst into tears when i pulled them out of the bag, and i've been crying pretty much all day since then. i'm never going to pick out a card for my mom ever again.

i also have a notes app file sitting on my phone. she wrote each of us letters, and my dad sent them out to us, but i haven't been able to open mine yet. it's the last new thing she'll ever say to me. how could i possibly be ready for that? how do i know when the right time to read that will be?

one thing my mom wanted was to die at home. she didn't want it to be in a hospital, and i get it. she spent a month in the hospital after christmas, and god knows how much time cumulatively over the last four years. the fact that she was able to push to get home is something i don't understand, because she was so sick—but she did it somehow. she was able to die in her bed.

and i was with her. like. i wasn't just at home, i was with her.

something they don't tell you about having someone die is you have to start arranging stuff before it actually happens. when we woke up on the 15th, we knew it was only a matter of time—her eyes weren't all the way open and her breath was labored, and she couldn't talk, although at first she still tried to say stuff. we sat there with her and kept her company and talked to her. hospice came by around 11 or 11:30, i don't even remember, and said that based on whatever measurements or readings they take (pupils? breathing? i don't know), it would be between 4-8 hours, and he recommended that my dad call the funeral home. because you have to do that first.

so my youngest brother was driving down from where he lives, my middle brother was in his room, my dad was in his room on the phone, and i stayed with her, because....well, of course, right? and i was just kind of talking, and crying, but trying not to...i don't know, beg her to stay? ask for more time? the nurse said she could still hear, they're pretty sure that hearing and understanding what's being said is the last thing to go, and i didn't want her to feel bad or guilty, or to hurt herself in an effort to stay longer even though there's nothing more that i've ever wanted in my life.

so i told her, you know, we'll be okay. it's going to be unbearably sad, and it's going to suck, but all the stuff we did as a family with her—we'll still do it. and we'll be okay. and there's nothing more important to us than her not hurting anymore, not being miserable and stuck and just...not herself. all that matters to us right now is her, and she didn't have to worry about us, because we'd be okay.

and she took in a breath. there was a pause. she took in another one. and she stopped. that was it.

i didn't even realize at first, not right the second it happened. the hospice booklet had talked about a 'death rattle', about how it happens almost all the time, but that it's more distressing for the people with the person dying than them, that they're not in pain. how the fuck would they know that, i'm not sure i believe it, but...it's what i was expecting. that didn't happen, though. she just stopped breathing.

the amount of guilt i felt for my dad being out of the room...i don't know if that will ever leave me. he said it was ok, because he was having to deal with stuff, and he'd spent a lot of time with her and it was fine, but jesus. how do i not feel like i stole that from him?

i've felt like a shell ever since. i'm back where i live, and i'm getting up and going to work and taking care of my dog and trying to stay connected to life, but...i don't know.

how is it that she's gone? how is this possible? how am i supposed to go the rest of my life without her?

i had four years to get ready for this, and i wasn't. i don't think there's any way i really could have been, but still. it doesn't seem fair that it was so hard for so long, and for NOTHING. nothing is easier now.

i'm sick of feeling sad, and hurt. i feel like i should be over it or something? i don't know, maybe just less actively affected? it's been a month. people's parents die all the time, right?

what am i supposed to do?