#you've no idea how long I've had this in my ready to post folder

[teatimewithgiles]

btvs + tumblr text posts

[dedkake]

20 questions game

tagged by so many people! ty i think this is everyone: @logicgunn @wonkyelk @trainofcommand @frankthesnek

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

there are 209 of them (i have to write this as a sentence because tumblr thinks numbers need to be massive on their own)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

word count: 340,984

3. What fandoms do you write for?

on ao3? mostly x-men and stargate atlantis

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

they're all xmen lol. by a mile: Snowed In Ready and Willing Mismatched Here Tonight A Matter of Convenience (i like one of these fic 10000x the others, but i'm Not Surprised)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do mostly. now. i didn't used to -- interacting with fandom people stressed me the heck out for a long time. i find it much easier to talk to people over here in sga :) however--i still can't bring myself to interact on some of my long personal ace fics.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

heck i don't know. i love angst. i'm sure i wrote some very angsty stuff in the past that i literally cannot remember rn. for sga i think a couple of my s5 'could've started like this' fic might do:

water on pine and release and shame

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i have no idea how to even start? most of them? /sprinkles happy endings all around

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not really. occasionally people make comments that rub me wrong about my ace fics, but not outright hate.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

when the inspiration strikes, sure. i think my smutty fic are pretty. diverse.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

generally no. i don't. and i generally don't read them. but i did once, after spending some time with @juliusschmidt, write a one direction fic. in which xmen were featured.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yes.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes <33

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

it's been a LONG TIME. since i've actually co-written anything. but i used to cowrite and coplan fic all the time. way back when.

it seems really difficult now. but maybe because i do a lot of my thinking out loud, so planning with friends online is a Trial.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

why are we fighting? i love all my babies. and i'm a multishipper at heart.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

please take a peak into my wip folder someday, and you will be amazed.

but i don't post wips, so no one besides me will be sad about my never finished wips <3

16. What are your writing strengths?

being concise? sensory description? maybe?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

can't plot worth a damn.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i'd rather it was all in one language, with the use of descriptive dialogue tags or narration.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

gundam wing! my boys! back on ffn <3

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

oh this is a Challenge. just focused on sga bc it's all i can hold in my brain. here are a few i think about often

it could've started like this... no that's cheating laugh it up give me a minute ad infinitum places unknown

tagging anyone who wants!! okay @zhabke and @pinkoptics

[mypimpademia]

Worth It.

Shinso x reader

TW: Swearing, reader steals a man, pure bad bitchery

Note: this concept has been in my head for literal MONTHS and now I'm finally writing it bc i had no idea how to before (i still dont know how to write it as I'm writing this, I'm bouta wing it like a mf)

I made Intelli the mean girl for this fic bc she a bitch fr

A college AU but its hardly relevant + a lil smau

Towards the end of writing this, I started hating it. I'm so sorry😭

I recommend this song too bc this is where the idea for this fic came from:

This was getting annoying to watch.

How long was Hitoshi planning to stay miserable with that girl?

Intelli and Hitoshi have been dating for awhile now. You had honestly never liked her, but you just barely tolerated her for Hitoshi. But only a few weeks into their relationship, things went to shit.

Intelli became overly controlling over him, and even tried to force him to stop being friends with you, and some other people. You, being his best friend, told him to break up with her.

Of course, Hitoshi agreed that it'd be best to do that. But not even a few hours after talking to him about it, he came back to say it didn't go as planned.

Intelli was holding blackmail over Hitoshi's head, and posed a huge threat to his dreams of becoming a hero. Most of what she said she'd expose was no where near true, but with her intellect she could easily make people believe it.

But frankly, as their relationship went on, the sight of even a strand of her hair made you want to either puke or fight her.

"Toshi~" Intelli cooed, coming up behind Hitoshi and wrapping her arms around his neck.

Hitoshi visibly cringed, but tried to hide it as best as he could.

"Hey, babe." He boredly muttered, doing a terrible job at faking any enthusiasm.

Unlike your best friend, you made no effort to hide the disgust you held for her sheer presence.

"Y/n..." Intelli muttered, her tone dripping with distaste for you, making you scoff. "Mind if I steal Toshi for a bit? No? Thanks-" She attempted to drag Hitoshi away by the arm, but you placed a firm hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"I do mind actually, we were in the middle of a conversation before you interrupted." You told her. She chuckled, before tugging on Hitoshi's arm more.

"Yes, but he's my boyfriend-" She attempted to give reason for her to take him away, before even Hitoshi stopped her.

"I've got a project I need Y/n to help me on, I can stop by your dorm later though?" Hitoshi suggested, lying through his teeth.

Intelli's eyebrow twitched, but she gave in, letting go of his arm. "Bye, Toshi." She said, kissing Hitoshi's cheek and looking you up and down, before walking off.

"Sometimes, I can't tell if she's just plain a bitch or if she's secretly a dumbass." You sighed. "Maybe she's a little bit of both..." Hitoshi chuckled, making you laugh with him.

"You really need to find someone new." You told him, shaking your head. "I know, but I'd rather not chance losing my dream career." He groaned.

"True... Whats your type anyways? I know its not Intell anymore, she's probably traumatized you." You giggled.

"She did, but I think my type is someone who can really understands me, and someone I can have fun with." Hitoshi said.

"Like a best friend?" You questioned him. "Yeah, exactly like a best friend. That'd be my perfect version of a s/o." He replied, expression growing soft.

Since Intelli and Hitoshi's relationship had gone down hill, you've been there for him more than ever. It eventually lead to this unspoken romance that constantly roamed between the two of you.

But because of Intelli, neither of you pursued it, for the wellbeing of Hitoshi.

"Well, if I were you, I'd find someone and just make sure the bitch doesn't find out." You told him. But if you were being honest, it was more like a suggestion, because he really did need, and deserve someone other than Intelli.

"Like cheating?" He gawked. You were both thinking the same thing— Intelli would likely find out. But it was better than simply being stuck with her, so you nodded.

"Well, I'd at least make sure the other person knows. But it'd be worth it."

'I'm worth it.' You thought.

You sighed, looking down at your phone, the time on your phone displayed.

"Shit, I've gotta get to class, we've got a guest lecturing us and my professor will tear me a new one if I miss it." You told him, stuffing your phone into your pocket.

"See you later?" Hitoshi asked you.

You were about to say something about how he told Intelli they'd hang out later, but decided against it.

"Yeah."

◇◇◇◇◇◇

You sighed, feeling your tired feet throb as you walked down the hall to Hitoshi's dorm. Taking one of your backpack straps off your shoulder, you began rummaging around the pocket where you usually kept the spare key to Hitoshi's dorm.

You blinked, as you weren't able to find the key in the small pocket. You began searching your entire bag in the middle of the hallway, taking nearly everything out.

"Shit." You mumbled, thinking you had lost it.

Then you remembered, 'Thats right, I was in a rush this morning. Its on my desk.' You thought to yourself.

Like hell you were going all the way back there though.

You placed your items back into their bags, then pulled out your phone to text Hitoshi.

You hummed, rocking back and forth on your heels as you waited for the door to be opened.

A moment later, you heard the lock click, and the door swung open.

Hitoshi looked you up and down before smiling. Then looked both ways of the hall, before tugging you into the room and shutting the door.

"Why are you treating me like a side piece or something?" You questioned him.

He hummed in confusion as he locked the door.

"Does it feel like that? Sorry." He apologized. "What did she do this time?" You asked, referring to Intelli, as she wash the only person the put Hitoshi this on edge.

"She said if we were doing anything other than a project we'd break up, and you know what that means." He told you, shaking his head.

You hummed, and pulled out your phone.

"What are you doing?" He asked, peering over your shoulder.

"You'll see." You blunty told him.

You sent your message, and tossed your phone onto his bed.

You grabbed onto Hitoshi's collar, tugging him towards you so he was looking you in the eyes, making his breath hitch as his face tinted red.

"You're crazy if you think I'd get you snitched on." You playfully consoled.

"What did you do?" He questioned again, watching you flop down on his bed as you kicked off your shoes.

"I texted Monoma and Momo to post about a project on private snap that only has Intelli on it so that it'll be more believable." You told him.

Hitoshis eyes went wide, as he mentally questioned how you came up with that so fast.

You patted the space next to you, beckoning him to sit with you.

He sat down, shaking his head and laughing.

You and Hitoshi talked for hours and hours, but it each flew by. When you finally checked the time, you barely had enough time left before dorm visiting hours were over.

"What? Already?" Hitoshi gaped, as he watched you sling your backpack over your shoulder.

"Mhm." You hummed.

He groaned, clearly not wanting you to leave, but sat up anyways so he could come see you out.

Hitoshi unlocked the door for you, but upon opening the door, you were both met with an unwanted sight.

"Hey Toshi!" Intelli greeted, completely passing over you even though she saw you.

"H-hey, Intelli." Hitoshi spurred, trying to keep composure.

"I came to help on the project. Even Momo was complaining, so I thought you could use some help." She offered, clearly not convinced that there was actually a project.

But like you said, you weren't going to let him get caught.

"No, we finished it." You told her bluntly, folding your arms across your chest.

But clearly, Intelli didn't plan on letting up either.

"Well then, I could proof read the written portion." She insisted, taking a step towards you.

"We already did that already."

"Well I'm sure there are some mistakes."

"We triple checked."

Hitoshi looked back and forth between the two of you, silently preparing himself to break up a fight.

"You must not get what I mean—" Intelli straightened her posture more than it already was, and leaned towards you. "There's probably mistakes because it was you helping him." She mocked.

Hitoshi already had a hand reaching for your waist, ready to pull you back in a situation where you lunge at Intelli.

"You wanna talk about mistakes? How about we start with you, bit-" Before you could take a single step towards her, you were being pulled back by your waist.

"Watch your dog, Hitoshi." Intelli retorted.

Damn, was she lucky Hitoshi could hold you back.

"At least I bite, unlike some people." You shot back. She narrowed her eyes, leaning towards you again.

"Y'know Y/n, you're not as good as everyone thinks you are. Everyone thinks you're so great, and nice, but I know how you really are." She said.

"You only think that because everyone's not you. Its no goddamn wonder your blackmail folder is thicker than you." You hissed.

Intelli, clearly flustered that you even knew about her blackmail folder, stood straight again. She crossed her arms and cleared her throat slightly.

"You think youre so much better than me. A better person, a better best friend, you probably think you'd make a better girlfriend too, right?" She asked you.

"Of course I do, who the hell wouldn't?" You chuckled.

You felt Hitoshi's grip on your waist loosen. Either he was getting just as angry and was going to let you fight her, or he thought it the tension was thawing.

"Alright, since you're so much better than me, show me." Intelli insisted.

You smirked. "Alright, you asked for it."

Slipping out of Hitoshi's grip, you turned to face him.

His brows raised in surprise and confusion. And next thing he knew, you had him by the collar for the second time today.

But this time, your lips were pressed against his.

It took him a moment to process, but soon, he melted into it. Moving in sync with you, he placed his hands back on your waist.

As much as you wanted to continue, you still had to tell that bitch off.

Pulling away from Hitoshi, wiping away the string of saliva that connected your mouths, you turned back to Intelli.

You walked straight up to her, and placed a hand on your shoulder.

"Toshi doesn't react like that when you kiss him, does he?" You hummed, hearing Intelli audibly gulp.

"Like you said, I'm a better person, a better best friend, and a better girlfriend." You repeated her words from earlier.

"I wouldn't lie to him, expose him, whether what he did was true or false, and i wouldn't hold him back from doing what he wants." You taunted.

"And the thing is—" You leaned in, next to her ear.

"I dont think it, I know it."

"I'm perfect for him." You whispered to her.

Intelli nearly toppled over in defeat, leaning against the nearest wall to support her body.

"Anyways, see you tomorrow, Toshi." You mused, before walking away.

◇◇◇◇◇◇

The next day, you met up with Hitoshi in your free time like usual.

You were aimlessly walking around campus, talking about random topics, laughing as you watched random people do stupid things, and just having fun.

Except now, you were hand in hand, and the air around the two of you seemed lighter. And the look of adoration you and Hitoshi shared was more evident.

But in the middle of it, of course, something had to happen.

Intelli had stopped you both in your tracks, her brainless groupies behind her.

"Did you know everyone is talking about you, Hitoshi? And with all the things they're saying... you might not be able to recover from it." She said snarkily.

"Not too worried about it actually." Hitoshi admitted, a slightly bored tone to his voice.

"Tch, well you should be. So tell me, was she worth it, Hitoshi?" She inclined.

Hitoshi looked over at you, a grin spreading across his face.

"Hell yeah."

[missyslittlepet]

((Requested - It's readers birthday and Heartman surprises them with vines.

It's not very long but I really hope this is kinda what you were after????? Enjoy!!! 👍🏻💙))

Happy Birthday Raven! I Can't Swim.

"What do you fancy for breakfast?" You asked Heartman as you walked to the kitchen.

"Now that you've gained some strength back after your surgery you can have whatever you want. My treat."

You were so happy that he finally got a heart transplant meaning he didn't have to stick to his twenty one minute cycle anymore. You had been together for about a year when he agreed to it having fully moved on from the search for his family.

"Can I get a waffle?" He asked with a grin. He had been on strick healthy foods to help with the recovery so he was ready to get his teeth into something tasty.

"CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE?!" Your brain had the words out before you even thought about it. The reaction was so natural considering how long it had been since you had watched that video.

Heartman jumped at your sudden outburst making his glasses go askew. You laughed again at his reaction, he was so cute sometimes.

"(F/n), you can't go making me jump, I still don't know just how much this new heart can take." Heartman joked.

"I know," You laughed. "I'm sorry Heartman. It was instinct, honestly. I used to love vines."

"Vines?" Heartman asked carefully adjusting his glasses before looking over them at you.

"Yeah, Vine." You grinned excitedly.

Heartman squinted in confusion and you felt your smile drop.

"Oh come on! Please tell me you know what vines are!"

"I can't say that I do (f/n), sorry. What are Vines?"

"Oh my God, how did you miss out on vines?! They were short videos on the internet before the Death Stranding. Just a few seconds long but they were so hilarious! Me and my friends used to communicate solely in vine references, it was great!"

Heartman smiled at your enthusiasm despite not having the faintest idea what you were talking about. He could tell that these 'Vines' meant a great deal to you.

"Ah well," You sighed fondly at the memory. "I'll get you those waffles!"

You beamed at him before returning to your task.

He watched from his chair as you pottered around the kitchen making him his food. The smell floated through the air and made his mouth water. He adored you and appreciated all that you had done for him over the past few years. You were his rock when he lost him family and when the Death Stranding finally ended he realised that you had become his world. You were always helping him in some way. Whether that be through his mourning or getting him waffles.

Heartman knew your birthday was tomorrow and he was yet to find a gift for you. Despite knowing you so well he still struggled with finding gifts for you. He had been searching for a way to show you how much you meant to him but nothing was as heartfelt as you deserved. He had considered proposing to you but he didn't want to be cliche and wanted to make it really special.

However, now that he had found out about your love of 'Vines' he thankfully had a few ideas. He decided he would wait until you went to your meeting with Die-hardman before getting started since he knew you would be trapped there for hours.

Heartman had missed his research and now he had something new to get his teeth into. Due to Sam successfully connecting the Chiral Network it meant that he now had access to archives from before the Death Stranding. He quickly typed in 'Vines' into the database and thousands of folders popped up. At first all he could find was information on plant samples but he was determined to find what he was looking for.

After an hour and a half of searching he finally found a folder containing videos and social media posts. From what you had described he thought he was in the right place. He browsed the video titles and found one called 'Iconic Vines That Cured My Depression And Watered My Houseplants' and decided it was a great place to start. He opened up the video and watched intently not sure what to expect.

"Two bros chilling in a hot tub. Five feet apart cuz they're not gay!" The video was of two men and lasted only a few seconds.

"What on earth?" Heartman said pushing his glasses up his nose. He leant in closer to the screen.

"Every time you yell at your kids put a quarter in your no yelling sock and pretty soon you'll have a weapon to bea-"

Heartman couldn't help chuckle at that one. The more he watched the more confused he became in the most wonderful way. The humor was ridiculous but he loved it and found himself laughing along with them. Before he knew it he had binged several compilation videos and had a whole set of notes to create some birthday surprises.

Your cuff flashed as you sat in yet another meeting signaling you had received a message. You were thankful that this was the last meeting of the week. They were getting more and more frequent as they were discussing plans for repairs to old delivery equipment. Of course this meeting just so happened to be on your birthday. Lucky you right?

You hadn't gotten the chance to speak to Heartman before you left. He still slept a lot despite his recovery almost being over meaning he was still fast asleep when you were getting ready. He looked so peaceful and you kissed his forehead and snuck out the door, careful not to wake him.

After half an hour more of listening to renovation plans the meeting finally came to an end allowing you to check your mail. You felt a smile tugging at your lips when you saw Heartman's name pop up. You always loved seeing what he wrote to you.

"Good afternoon love, I'm sorry I wasn't awake to see you off. I hope you're having a great birthday and I can't wait for you to come back home to me. Missing you always,

- H x "

You grinned at your cuff before making your way back home. You knew the drive would take forever.

Heartman stood back to admire his creations. Truth be told he was really proud of himself. He never considered himself good at gift giving but this time he was excited. He couldn't wait to see the look on your face when you saw what he had been planning. With a grin Heartman placed the last tray down on the table and waited for you to arrive home.

When the door finally slid open Heartman jumped up and ran towards it to greet you.

"Happy birthday (f/n)!" He said as he wrapped his arms around you tightly and gave you a kiss.

"Close your eyes." He said before you could come any further into the house.

You looked at him suspiciously before doing so anyways. Heartman took your hands in his and began leading you through the house and into the living room area.

"Okay (f/n), you can open them!" He said awaiting your reaction eagerly.

Slowly you opened your eyes and were met with trays of food on the table.

"Welcome to Chilies! I hope you're hungry!" Heartman's grin grew wider.

"What is all this?" You laughed looking at the strange choices of food.

"Could I interest you in some Freeshavoca-do?" Heartman asked pointing to some guacamole in a bowl.

You felt your smile widen.

"Or perhaps some hurricane tortillas?" Heartman could tell that his references were being recognised.

You were beaming at this point. You couldn't believe what he had done for you. Now all the foods made a little more sense to you.

Heartman gestured at a plate of chicken strips.

"Fuck ya chicken strips!" You both shouted in unison. Heartman's new heart melted at how happy you were.

"Oh Heartman!" You pulled him into a hug. "Thank you so much, this is the best present ever!"

He wrapped his arms around you and kissed your forehead.

"This is actually your present." He said taking a step towards the table and picking up the gift box from it. He handed it to you and waited.

You bit your bottom lip as you took the lid off. When your eyes fell upon the wrapped object you started to laugh knowing full well what was under the paper. You quickly ripped it open and put on your best child's voice.

"An avocado... thanks!" You giggled and placed the box back on the table.

"Actually," Heartman laughed. "This is your real present." He pulled a small box from his pocket and handed it to you.

You took the second box and opened it still laughing from the avocado. Inside was a USB stick. You looked up at him and raised your eyebrow.

"It contains thousands of vines so you will never have to miss them again!" Heartman looked so proud of himself. "Happy birthday (f/n)."

You brushed your finger over the USB stick and felt tears come to your eyes. To anyone else they were just stupid videos but they held so many memories for you. They transported you back to before everything went to shit, made you relive moments with those you had lost a long time ago. No one had ever given you a gift that thoughtful before.

"Heartman... I... Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me... How much you mean to me..." You smiled blinking away your tears. "I love you so much."

"And I love you too (f/n)." Heartman rested his palm against your cheek and you nuzzled into it. "We could make a night out of this and play them on the big screen if you'd like? I've grown quite fond of them."

"I'd love to!"

You quickly ran to set it all up while Heartman shut out the day light and set the lighting to pink and blue.

The whole night was amazing. You both cuddled up and feasted on the vine related food while laughing like a pair of hyenas. You were over the moon that he seemed to enjoy vine humor just as much as you did. When it started getting late and you started yawning Heartman stood and switched the screen off.

"Come on, you look tired." He smiled warmly, hold out his hand to you.

You took his outstretched hand gratefully with another yawn. You went to start grabbing the plates but he stopped you quickly.

"Don't you worry about those love, I'll tidy this up. It is your birthday after all." Heartman smiled grabbing the plates from the table. He hummed to himself as he made his way to the kitchen area.

"This bitch is indeed empty. Yeet." Heartman chuckled loudly throwing the plates in the dishwasher.

You shook your head and laughed at the butchered attempt of a vine quote and wondered how you ever got so lucky. This truly was the best birthday you could have ever asked for. Vines, food and Heartman. What's not to love?

[mymusicalitylove]

Dive

In my feels. Trying to be productive and direct them in a positive way.

The other night I feel like I broke because the latest disappointment (that I created for myself), came to the surface. I took a hot shower, cried and told myself to let it all go. Hardest I have cried in a long time because I replayed a lot of scenarios about this endless loop I seem to be stuck in: I give up on this notion called ‘love’, discard it and begin to focus elsewhere.. then along comes another unsuspecting fool that says all the right things to get me twitterpated and caught up in the fantasies my brain creates. I get sucked in and think, ok, maybe this will go somewhere.. just to BAM! Slam my face into a wall of unending disappointment. Wash, rinse, repeat. It feels as though this scene has been on replay about eleventeen times over these last few years, and all I can say is: How. Fucking. Stupid (Who is the REAL fool? Ya, that’s me).

I went to bed after my therapeutic shower and slept ok, but kept waking up. I finally decided to get up and be productive, and had Ed Sheeran’s “Dive” stuck in my head. Hadn’t heard it in a while so I’m not sure where it came from, but it stayed with me the entire morning. 

My entries on this thing almost always relate to music and how the lyrics relate to my life. I’ve saved some drafts with songs I’ve wanted to write about later. When I realized I wasn’t going back to sleep, I decided to write; I checked my drafts and whoa.. “Dive” was already on there.. I don’t even remember saving it. 

(Despite there being a few too many typos for my taste in this post above, I feel it, Rising Woman!)

September 2019 is the most notable time I can remember starting the self-destructive cycle. My boss left at work and I decided I needed to do something to change my life up. I put all my energy into planning my amazing sabbatical in Italy. Everything was set up; all the wheels were in motion for me to see Europe, do me selfishly, and not worry about shit! In my mind I put together plans of sightseeing, concerts, volunteering, gymming, wandering, and getting lost in the country I fell in love with a year prior.

In October on a night out with friends, I met an EMT at a bar. He worked his bullshit game, and did it well because he was intriguing. He made me feel good over a two hour convo that honestly felt like a first date, and convinced me to give him the digits (which I don’t freely give to strangers). Too bad the man never called. Womp, womp.

After a taste of those vibes I craved that “feeling” again. I tried a dating app again for a couple months. In a comical turn of events, said dating app matched me with this same EMT! This presented me with the opportunity to call his ass out, and incidentally feel validated as to why it actually was better he never called. Talked to a few other guys on the app, but really can only report on a couple stupid funny anecdotes of just how sad it is that guys don’t know how to talk to women anymore. At least this time I wasn’t taking it seriously and only did it for shits and giggles. Decided okay, just keep focusing on plans for Italy, stacking that paper, and looking forward to the new year (*point and laugh at the idiot who had no idea what 2020 had in store!*). 

In January a boy (with a girlfriend) who I’d had innocent flirtation vibes with for a while tells me he’s now single. I had already placed him in the “not gonna happen” folder, and his confession obviously began a different wave of chemistry and banter for months. We had a conversation about the reality of where I am/what I’m ready for, and where he’s at/what he’s not ready for. Oh, and in the midst of all this, Covid hits and I have to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel Italy and deal with the feels of defeat that followed. And let’s also add all the sadness of being stuck with only me, myself and my thoughts in quarantine.

One last convo in April with “previously not gonna happen” sealed the deal of this endless string of flirtation not going anywhere and back in that folder he went. I then decided to give my number to this other guy who had shown interest a while back (but I hadn’t paid him any mind cuz I was stuck on folder guy). New dude didn’t really engage, so I disregarded him again, and worked on rearranging my place, organizing, decorating, spring cleaning and purging. Fast forward to now, it’s June and new dude comes back to work, asks to hang out, we have a great first “date” lasting three hours, and now here I am less than two weeks later wondering what happened. New dude: MIA / Me: WTF?

I truly do not understand why this cycle continues. Each time I feel like I get closer to something real, just to be lead into feeling like a fucking moron. I can’t stand it anymore, and it honestly makes me want to go back to being guarded and jaded, but I know that’s not the right way to find anyone. So I open up and allow some level of vulnerability, even though I’m scared af cuz of how hard I fell five years ago with the man I thought I was going to marry.

This is gonna hurt, but I blame myself first

'Cause I ignored the truth

Drunk off that love, my head up

There's no forgetting you

You've awoken me, but you're choking me

I was so obsessed

It was a matter of time

But you are the fire, I'm gasoline

Gave you all of me, and now honestly, I got nothing left

'Cause I loved you dangerously

More than the air that I breathe

Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going

Didn't care if the explosion ruined me

Baby, I loved you dangerously

I learned a lot from that short but impactful relationship. It was the love of my life and I went into it with complete abandon. I loved him dangerously. Things felt “right” and escalated quickly, which lead to our demise because we did not explore all the things before going full force into a relationship. We mutually thought this was “it” and talked about the future we would have. It completely broke me to end things, and upon rebuilding the pieces of me, I promised myself I would never rush into things like that again. 

I know that I do it to myself, but I guess I don’t know how else to do it. If I’m closed off and guarded, I’m not welcoming anything in; if I’m open and vulnerable, I start to dream in fantasyland with expectations just to be let down and end up inevitably disappointed. I clearly don’t know how to find the balance that works and it has become maddening beyond words. 

I need to find that balance, and it would be a lot easier to find in non-Covid times where I could have something else to focus my precious energy on, rather than wanting to find “my person”.

Maybe I came on too strong

Maybe I waited too long

Maybe I played my cards wrong

Oh, just a little bit wrong

Baby I apologize for it

I could fall or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

And jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake

So don't call me baby unless you mean it

Don't tell me you need me if you don't believe it

So let me know the truth

Before I dive right into you

And I've been known to give my all

And lie awake, everyday don't know how much I can take

I could fall, or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

Sitting back, looking at every mess that I made

This new dude made me really feel this. I tend to fall, and fall hard because I am so ready to give my heart to someone. But I need to put on the brakes and slow my damn roll. 

I can’t keep getting my hopes up. That is ultimately my problem. I tell myself to not have expectations and I do well to begin with, then have an amazing connection and am fed (what is obviously) bullshit and fall for it like a moron. I have grown thicker skin this time around, so at least there’s that.. but hopefully this has been my last lesson. 

I have found a new diversion for my focus and just put in my first offer for a new home! This will be my new passion project and will take up my thoughts and energies for a while, so as freaked tfo as I am, I am equally excited for this new venture. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and if it’s not, my new little home is out there somewhere not ready for me yet. 

06/19/2020 - 11:51 PM

[graysonflynn]

Porn!anon checking in. No writing, just questions (seriously the last thing I sent was the last thing I had, I'm back to my own stuff now). I've never really published/shared any of my writing before. Is there anywhere you've found you're likely to get good constructive feedback? Is tumblr a good place to start? Do you think a beta reader is useful/how do you find one? I think I'm ready to start getting serious about my own work. PS -I would like to continue being your patron, if that is okay :)

this got kind of long, so it’s going under a cut.

tbh, i haven’t really found a place to get constructive feedback. i’ve taken a couple of creative writing classes, but those can be really, really subjective in terms of what gets praised and what doesn’t.

i don’t know if tumblr’s a good place to start, but i know lots of people post writing here and there’s quite a good number of what are called writeblrs. maybe one of those could help you out? i know that i follow @itstartswithablankpage and they’re pretty good about posting writing stuff, if you’re interested in that.

personally, i don’t have a beta reader, though i do have a really good friend who will read over some of my work if i ask her. i know that sometimes it’s about having a second set of eyes, so often i’ll just pass it around to others; i don’t really have a beta. normally, i just read over my work and edit it as i go. i dunno if that’s helpful, but it’s what works best for me – since i have a bit of a tendency to go perfectionist with my work.

honestly, tho, i’ve found that what really helps me is having people around you that write too. like, a writing community. i have friends who write, so we usually discuss writing or our work together and sometimes we share it with each other. and sometimes, yea, we operate as each others’ beta readers. but ultimately, it’s what works best for you. and i can’t really... give advice on that? you kinda gotta feel it out for yourself.

but, uh, what has helped me is just reading a lot and not necessarily published fiction. read a shit load of fic if that’s what you wanna do. i found that it helped me develop my style and feel more confident in my writing to see what others were doing and, in a couple of cases, incorporate elements of what i found into my own work. i mean, i can only say what’s worked for me, but that’s what i’ve done.

oh yea, and don’t stop writing. take breaks if you need to, of course, and don’t feel like you’re obligated to share it with others if you don’t want to. some people keep journals. i tend to do writing challenges. i have folders worth of prompts and incomplete fics on my drive that i work on when i need breaks from my current projects; it’s why i’ve been leaning more towards series’ of late than much longer, multi-chaptered works.

uh, no idea if this has been helpful to you at all, porn!anon. but i hope that it has! if you have anymore questions or just wanna chat, you know that my inbox is always open to you. :)