#you're not a deangirl if you only care about him in relation to sam or another character sorry

[septembersghost]

Hi I Just want to say that I love your blog and specially all the notes. I just have been having a hard time with all the Sam love on tumble. everyone is writing all this meta about how Sam was Dean's victim with stockholm syndrome. I just got sad when you keep praising Sam all the time now because every Dean heating "critical" blog all they do is come up with the most disturbing theory about Dean just to make Sam look so innocent that never did anything wrong. I just want the Dean blogs to talk more about how Dean was also a victim but never acted like one, fought for everyone but him self. I just want to see more Dean love, it breaks my heart to only see love for Sam or the brothers on you'r blog with no Dean, just Dean. I'm sorry I proms I'm not trying to tell you what to have on your blog, I'm just venting I'm sorry again if I mad you upset it never was my intention. there is so little love for a boy that deserves all the love out there. thanks for reading.

babe, you must be very new here, because 90% of my blog is unending, irrevocable, effusive love for dean winchester. it is insufferable how much i love him. nearly sixteen years (help) of my life has contained unending love for dean winchester, and waxing poetically about dean winchester, and seeing him as a light and an anchor. i don't even entirely know how to answer this because i'm such a blindingly annoying deangirl that i'm shocked to the core that anyone would say i'm not posting enough love for him. i'm not upset, i'm genuinely startled, and i want to answer this as kindly as i possibly can because you're welcome here and i'm thankful for you wording this nicely, but please forgive me if this is a bit rambling.

over the years, i've written endless meta and poetry and fragments of things for dean. almost every edit i've ever made is for dean, and of dean. i created this blog for the sole purpose of being here for the end of the show that's been part of my life for so long. without dean, not only does this page not exist (nor my blogs that lie before this one), i'm not entirely sure who i would be as a person. dean fundamentally impacted my heart and soul. every night, i make sure my queue ends with a post of just dean. i literally set it up that way daily in case something happens and i can't come back, that's the actual thought in my head for doing it, to make sure that he would always be the last post on my blog. that's how ever-present wanting the love i have for him to be known is.

there are posts on here extolling him and how important and valuable he is, and his bravery and his capacity for love and his intelligence and his humanity, and his fundamental importance to me. i haven't written anything in a while because it was damaging to my emotional well-being to be in that place as often as i was, so i pulled back a bit from meta and have just been having fun, but it's not out of a lack of love for him. i could never...i'm honestly trying to formulate words to respond to this because loving dean is such an essential part of my being that my good friends here, who've known me for years, would probably regularly like to tell me to shut up about dean winchester.

and here's the thing - i absolutely have been incorporating more sam into my blog, i will admit that and it has been intentional, because i love the winchesters very much too, their story and their journey, and i do care about sam a lot and find many things about him interesting/compelling. the shift is simply from being overwhelmingly predominate dean content to being still mostly predominate dean content, but with the brothers and sam scattered in, and then other characters whom i also enjoy (cas, the ladies, etc). (although your claim i've been "praising" him - listen, even if i had been praising him, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but...where? i talk about sam generally in relation to how much he loves dean - because fandom has been trying to strip this from the story lately and i won't abide that - or how he has issues and is a total freak [affectionate], because they're both disasters.) that finale crushed me to the core with such an unending well of grief that the ONLY WAY i've found to cope with it is by embracing the characters and remembering why i loved them so much and why i stuck with the show from its pilot to its finale without ever giving it up.

i am not delving into cr*tical fandom, it is extremely negative and generally bad for me, and dean crit fandom is absolutely beyond my ability to comprehend or reason with, but i'm...not here to fight them? they write deranged nonsense about dean being an abusive monster to sad, pathetic victim sam, and i don't know those characters. i've never met those characters. sam would be appalled at that meta if he could have an opinion on it (and he WOULD have an opinion on it, which he would make known to everyone in the vicinity). sam was not a victim of scary, controlling dean. sam did not have stockholm syndrome, sam had a spine of steel and his own cunning and malleability and distinct anger issues that he sublimated in various ways, but fanon likes to twist him into a weak-willed ragdoll, which is not only not canon, it's incredibly boring. dean was not a possessive, overbearing dictator who never let anyone make decisions. it's harmful to both of their characters and their arcs to treat them in that way, and because it's not how i view them and it's not what i'm interested in, i ignore them. confession: the moment i see the words "dean cr*tical," i hit the block button. they are very complex, they both have a lot of damage and darkness, they both have flaws, and they're also both capable of boundless strength and acts of sacrifice and love.

i have very purposefully pared off my writing of meta, and unexpectedly abandoned the liveblogging i'd been doing for a while because i took a break from rewatching the show because i've been so sad. i have another message sitting in here sort of on this topic too, but it's not because i don't love dean, it's because i'm exhausted and this fandom has been nothing but fighting for months, and i laid my armor down for a while. i want to cherish whatever scraps of it i can dig up out of the grave with both hands. i want to hold onto all the complexities and beauty in dean that i always have.

i mean, i'd tell you to check the dean feelings tag or anything i have under * because those overflow with love for him. i'm with you, i agree he deserves all the love in the world and i would tear down the barriers of reality to give it to him myself if i could, so if i haven't been making that clear enough lately, i apologize for it, but i promise you, i love him with all my heart and he lives as a part of it constantly. he's an eternal flame with me, and it would be impossible to burn it out - it will last as long as i do.