#you wanted this transcripted months ago but it never happened but it's so worthy cause sb augsen makes me stomach turn every time without

[thefallons]

Origins –> Jensen&August (SB AU)

Discord Transcript Timeline Points:

- August stops by Nora’s for a surprise visit (Jensen is 21, August is 22, Nora is 22) - August, Jensen and Nora spend time with her friends at a bar  - Jensen brings August home with him - After several hours in bed together there is a miscommunication and August leaves upset - Jensen and August both confide in Nora - August returns to Jensen’s apartment and they talk about their relationship

After meeting over the summer, longing for each other and sleeping together two very intense times, August and Jensen parted ways abruptly a week before the end of the Ëklund siblings’ vacation. Despite thinking about each other they had no contact until August decided to surprise Nora with a visit a few months later. 

August knew that visiting Nora would mean potentially seeing Jensen again, though he told himself not to get his hopes up; what they had over the summer was likely only physical for Jensen. 

Upon seeing August, Jensen mentally sinks into the floorboards, looking at Nora appalled that she didn’t mention this. Nora just gives him a yellow smile, “Surprise?”

Jensen turns his gaze away from Nora to look at back August again and go, "Hey, Augie."

He puts a little smile on his lips because whatever's happened in his head and chest all this time, August probably doesn't deserve an attitude from him. He should just take a deep breath, let this encounter play out. And then die on his own time. Right?

Jensen’s eyes truly are his downfall. He could be casual as you like, interacting with Nora and August like they’re just catching up after not seeing each other for a while but how Jensen looks at August never changes, his eyes never change.

August sees that look from Jensen and thinks that maybe there’s more there to be explored. But then reasons it away, telling himself this isn't just them in a summer house having fun. Jensen has his real life here, must have his friends and maybe his hookups. He tries to focus on Nora and indulge her as she takes him out to her favorite places, introduce him to her friends and etc. but the more he catches Jensen looking at him, more he feels like they're going to end up the same way they did before.

-

When they’re all out with Nora’s friends at a bar and they’re pouring over August, how well spoken and handsome he is, Jensen notices.

The same manner in which August made Jensen's mind quiet the very first moment they met, such a sight also makes Jensen quiet, but on the outside. They don't quiet his eyes but they quiet his mouth and his demeanor. 

August politely turns them all down and then looks at Jensen to see if he had heard his conversation, unsure of the answer he wants, but there Jensen is, already looking at him as if he's been watching him the whole time.

That’s when Jensen finally has enough. He pulls August aside when the attention is least on them, sneaking up and hooking a pointer finger with August's to be like, "Come on.”

August's lips form a smile when he feels Jensen pulling him and he throws a glance behind them, finding his sister's and he wiggles his eyebrows like "Yeah we're outta here," so she doesn't bother looking for them there.

Jensen brings August to the side street beside the bar where people go to smoke. They get out there and Jens is the one to put August's back to the wall and crowd into his space. His hands slip up to either side of August's neck and it seems like he might go in for a kiss right away, just like that, but he doesn't. His cheekbone finds August's and instead he whispers, "I've missed you."

August feels his back hitting the wall as soon as they're properly outside, but it's Jensen's touch and I've missed you that suck the air out of him. His gray eyes wide, staring back at Jensen with glee, using the hands around his neck to pull Jensen closer, their lips almost touching. There are shivers running down his spine and he would devour Jens if there weren't people around him, so he has to pull back, resist the urge to start kissing him right then and there. Instead he whispers, feeling his mouth brush against his when he says, "Where can we go?" 

Where can we spend the following hours touching and feeling each other up without being interrupted by people, the weather and who knows what else. August is always intense, but that's for him and his partner's eyes only where they can both let go of any judgement and do whatever they want.

Where can we go, sets Jensen on fire. The consent in it, the confirmation that August wants him right back makes Jensen's stomach turn. His fingers tighten slightly on August and Jensen tells him, "My place- I'll get us a cab." Except he doesn't move. He can't move, fuck, he's wanted to be so close to August for months, tried to recreate the very feeling he has tingling through his bones right now. He tries to resist, tries to restrain himself, but instead he smashes a kiss to August's lips. Just this one, he tells himself, just this one little taste and then they can go.

They end up having to tip their cab driver rather well because Jensen climbs onto August’s lap the moment they get in the car.  Eventually though, August whispers in Jensen's ear to behave, "Or else I won't let you come until I say you can." 

He pushes Jensen to sit properly as they have this 10 minute eternal drive, but August stares at the window, not really looking at anything just trying to keep his dick down. But he doesn't want Jensen to feel rejected, so he takes Jensen's hand, interlacing their fingers and letting them rest on the space between them.

"That sounds fucking delicious-" Jensen purrs through a smirk as he's pushed off. He doesn't particularly feel any kind of way till August really does just look out the window, and then he wonders if he really did cross a line and not the fun kind of line. 

Jensen does adore the hand though. He is looking out the window after that too, if only to have somewhere to point his grin. They haven't held hands outside of the bedroom before and now they do it and August initiates it and Jensen prickles with how much he already wants it again, even if it hasn't ended this first time yet.

Once they arrive outside of the apartment, August lets go of Jensen's hand so they can get out of the car, but Jensen grabs it back and opts to scooch his way out of the same door, that way their contact doesn't break. It makes August bite his lip, trying to hold back a smile as he thinks, "Oh he likes that I hold his hand."

-

Jensen is a lot less rough around the edges when they get into his place. He knows now that they have time, that they can just be them. He likes that they're holding hands. He almost wants to just...spend time together? But he still can't be sure that August didn't come back with him that night expecting to fuck him raw like he used to. So once they get into his place Jens approaches August slow, his eyes full of want as it always is. But his hands come to August slow, not pouncing to strip him down just yet.

August is way softer when he's approached like that, enjoying the slow pace for a change, giving him time to think where he wants to kiss next and not just reacting to what's happening.

He would enjoy kissing Jensen at the entrance of his place, like a hello, now we can properly greet each other and then go on, walking inside and August following Jensen close behind. 

Jensen dies to think that they don't have to rush till the sun comes up or have to muffle their cries. Jensen couldn't put into words how he feels having August with him like this again so he shows it with his kisses slowly dropping down August's jaw, his neck, hands peeling back August's shirt. It's a lot more affectionate than it usually is and Jensen seems to be taking the lead in regards to pace at least. August is right, they can go at this for hours, just kiss and touch and go mad in each others arms. There are no restraints.

They can make their way through the apartment if they want, losing an article of clothing along the way if they want.

The first time they have sex that night, August takes his time, grinding against Jensen while they make out on the bed now mostly naked. Jerking both of them together with his hand until they come just so they can get the edge off that built from the bar until there and then he can start trailing Jensen's body with his lips and kisses, opening Jensen's ass slowly and proper and only stopping when they're done sharing kisses and he can tell Jensen is more than ready.

Jensen adores that tender loving. He feels so grounded in the moment when he’s laying pressed against August, his breaths on the man’s lips, being able to say August’s name out loud as he comes all over his hand. Being able to press their foreheads together when he feels his stomach rippling with sensation and best yet- knowing for sure there will be more.

To be fucked in his own bed by August and to be able to ride him in his own home is something else. Because certainly when he sees August becoming worked up he’ll push to climb on top of him and ride him. Not just with August sitting up like he usually does, but laying down so Jensen can properly put a hand down on August’s chest as leverage to fuck himself down properly on the man.

August will now discover that Jensen fits nicely against his side, chin poking into the crook of his neck as Jens peppers soft and lazy kisses. He’ll feel the weight of Jensen’s limbs over his body, the hand resting over his still heavy breathing chest. He eats this up, being able to just look at August and know they don’t have anywhere to be but right there.

August easily lifts his arm to let Jensen rest on top of it so their faces can be close like that. This would make this time even more memorable for him because he's a sucker for cuddling like this but he rarely had opportunities or desire to do so with his other partners.

August places his hand on top of Jensen's on his chest, wrapping his fingers around it and keep it there.

-

They have been saying nothing for the past few hours but vulgar teasing and each other’s names and now that Jensen is settling back into reality and he doesn’t even know how to begin what’s on his mind.

August is mostly fine with the silence because he just had a handful of orgasms and his body is tired and comfortable with Jensen snuggling up on him, but it still irks him how Jensen doesn't talk to him. Even before, he waited to see if Jensen was going to share his own stories and thoughts like August did when they were sitting by the pool.

Jensen isn’t totally sure about the approach but as someone who isn’t great at speaking, all he can intelligibly think of in the moment is to ask quietly, “When are you headed back?”

August tenses immediately at the question, almost wishing he hadn't trapped his arm so he could at least get some space from Jensen. But his face still falls disappointed and he just hates how he went from feeling so good and enjoying the moment and now there's regret and he knows he won't look back at them earlier that night the same way.

Jensen’s eyes are on August’s face, he’s been looking at him all this time and he doesn’t want to stop looking at him either. So he does notice the tension immediately. He lifts his head off August just a hair, just to look at his eyes a little better because he isn’t sure why August looks like he’s suddenly been punched in the gut. “Because I don’t want you to go...” he adds, finishing the thought that he had been leading up to, to begin with. His brows furrow a little at the thought alone but he keeps looking at August, struggling to find more words to streamline how he feels about them.

But August has made up his mind about how Jensen’s statement made him feel. He gets up and gets dressed quickly, which Jensen tries to stand in the way of, of course. He tries to convince August to stay, apologizing even though he doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for. 

August doesn’t let Jensen hold him back, he even yells at him to stop and let him go, "I don't wanna hear it, it's– I followed you here so joke's on me I guess." 

For all of his determination, Jensen does back off when he’s yelled at though. He doesn’t like that at all, the sound vibrates through his nerves and freezes him where he stands no matter how sad he looks and feels.

August doesn’t so much slam the door on his way out, but he doesn't close it properly either. Hearing Jensen asking to stay then felt like an attempt to soften the blow or guarantee that August would come back again when Jens wanted him to next time. It feels so clear to him that Jensen really just wanted to have sex with him and nothing else.

Jensen is utterly confused, unsure of what he did to make August so upset. But his heart is in his stomach because once again, August is leaving him.

August runs back to Nora’s apartment in the middle of the night. He takes a long shower and then sneaks into the bedroom to sleep on the mattress on the ground. 

- Nora wakes up with the noise, turning her phone lamp on August, like "Oh, it's you." And turns to go back to sleep but then she notices his face, so now she's awake, sliding down to sit with him on the mattress and ask him what happened

And August doesn't want to say anything about Jensen, especially to her since they're good friends, but he is upset.

Jensen on the other hand, texts Nora in a little while like “Hey, is your brother there?”

When Nora check her phone to see who could it be and he gets a glance of the notification August just swallows his emotion. He tells Nora he's going to sleep and pushes her back onto her bed, like at least let me pretend to sleep here so you don't ask me anything while Jensen tells you how I must have freaked out for no reason.

Nora does text Jensen back because she wants to know what the hell happened:

N: yeah why

N: what's going on

J: I don’t know??? I made Augie upset and I’m not sure how.

J: We had a really fucking good night and then we were cuddling and I said like 5 words and he left?? Like angry left. 

J: Is he okay? 

J: I didn’t want him to go

Nora reads the texts and then shifts to look at her brother again. She doesn't think he's already asleep but he's turned to the other side and well at least Jensen is telling her things.

N: yeah he had a look on his face when he got here

N: I was half asleep but I could tell he was upset wtf happened

N: what did you say???

J: idk I was just trying to start a conversation 

J: I really just wanted to talk about how much I missed him and stuff. But I didn’t know where to start

J: Like it’s obvious I like him right??

J: I think I asked him when his flight home was. Just to know how much time we had left together 

J: Nora he fucking shouted at me. Like he was big mad???

Nora is shocked reading that her brother shouted? She and Hannes shouted, from happiness, sadness and anger and some extra but August was the opposite, he was the attempt to try to balance the chaos of his two other siblings.

N: I mean

N: sure it's obvs you two wanna screw each other??? duh

N: but are you saying u actually like him

N: like LIKE him

And she's puzzled now reconsidering those two since they haven't seen/talked to each other since summer ended and that was the only time they saw each other so she wouldn't think there might be anything real there. But it's true that her brother was upset and to hear that he shouted at Jensen? It must've been something very serious to him.

N: what did he shout?

N: he didn't say anything??

J: I feel like shit that he left and when I saw him again tonight i could’ve cried cause I missed kissing him and now I could cry cause he was literally right there in my bed like he was gonna stay with me and now he’s not there anymore? Like he was literally there one second and then he was gone. And that fucks me up, I hate it. So yeah I think I like like him. 

J: I don’t even remember what he said like that. It was a lot and I was talking over a lot of it trying to say sorry for whatever 

J: He just said he didn’t wanna hear it from me and then when he yelled he told me to just stop and let him go.

J: Is he okay?

Nora has to stop, get up and turn her lights on. She uses her foot to poke at August, wanting him to look at her, "Wake up or stop pretending, I need to talk to you now."

August groans irritated and refuses to move at first but he knows Nora will just find another way to annoy him until he gives in, so he sits up, hand covering his eyes from the bright light and he looks at her mad, "What."

And Nora gets provoked so easily by her brothers it's just an instinct to fight them, but she has bigger issues to resolve now so she just swears under her breath for a second and then tries to get her head back where she was.

"August, what happened." And she talks to him in Swedish with a tone that says I'm not asking, I'm demanding you to answer me.

August wishes he could just ignore her, but the moment she says that he recalls Jensen's face so close to his and then him asking August when are you headed back and it makes his chest hurt because he also can't help but think of them together before that. How he felt like there was more than physical attraction, that's why it felt so good between them. 

Nora watches his face go through so many emotions, she instinctively move next to him, pulling him for a hug and tell him "It's okay, you'll be fine, it's okay, Gus." Soothing him in a way she hasn't done in years.

Her head is spinning trying to understand how could Jensen catching feelings for August make him this upset?? Something must have happened that she doesn't know right?

And she grabs her phone back again, still staring at the last text and she's always been there for Jensen, he's basically a new brother she adopted once she got met him, but August is not fine, so she just texts:

N: no

N: he isn't

N: Give me a min

And toss the phone away, rubbing August's back and waiting until he's ready to look at her again

"Jensen and I, you know, back at the summer house..."

"Yeah, we all knew you two were also sleeping together."

"Not sleeping together the way he was with Hannes, though. It happened twice... The second time I said it wasn't even going to happen."

"Go on..."

"I didn't want to have this fling with him when he was already having one with Han, you know? We're weird but that's too weird for me."

"You don't do casual..." she recalled from a conversation the three of them had about sexual and romantic partners.

"I don't."

"So... He chose to stay with Hannes. Is that why you're upset?" 

"Of course not, it wasn't like that with us or with them."

"Right."

"I would be lying if I said I didn't think of breaking my rules again for him," he confesses not able to look at her as he says it, "I even did it again tonight. All he had to do was tell me to follow him and I did."

"Okay, so far things appear to be weird but not bad."

"I was dumb, I thought he was... Maybe he wanted something more from me, but he made sure to tell me as soon as we were done."

Nora's frown deepens as he stops talking, realizing that he's done telling her the story, "Wait wait wait. Okay, so you two fucked around and then he did what?"

"He asked me when was I heading back, like hey we're done here, isn't it time for you to leave now?"

Nora's mouth grow wider if possible, like she knows Jensen has a very active sexual life, she would never expect him to be the type to tell his hookups to leave like that. 

"That doesn't sound like him, Gus...." she tries to defend Jensen, because it had to be something else. But August just stares at her with red rimmed eyes and a serious face, silently asking her if she's really going to be by his side after he just said what happened? 

He shakes his head, grabbing the pillow and comforter he was using and saying he's sleeping somewhere else. Near the oven, under the sink, who fucking cares, he thinks.

Nora grabs her phone again, this time to call Jensen, she needs to hear him say it. As soon as the call connects she goes, "Jensen, did you seriously kick my brother out after you two were done fucking?" She speaks quietly because it’s still the middle of the night after all.

Jensen picks up right away too, he was sitting with his phone in his hands waiting for her to text back.

“No! What the fuck? He kicked himself out! I told you that, we were literally fine one second and then he was super pissed and then he was gone. Like maybe he didn’t like that I tried to start talking after we were done? I don’t know. Nora, why the hell would I kick him out, I haven’t seen him in months even though I’ve been looking for him everywhere.”

Nora gets up, stomps her way to whatever hole August is hiding and then hits the speaker button. "Jensen, repeat what you just said to me."

Jensen hesitates for a second because he isn’t sure why she would ask that when he was practically yelling into the phone. But he gives her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she didn’t hear some part or she wants him to say something over to hear himself and learn a lesson from it. 

“Uh...we were fine one second and then he got pissed and then he left? Like maybe I shouldn’t have started talking? Maybe he wanted to just...not talk about it- us, whatever. I didn’t kick him out cause I’ve been waiting for him to come around....like all this time. So. I don’t know what I did but I want him to be okay, I hope he can be okay.”

Nora watches as his brother hears what Jensen is saying and trying to comprehend what happened. "I think you two should spend less time having sex and more time talking." She huffs feeling mad these two just had to communicate better. She hits the speaker button again, to tell Jensen, "I'm passing the phone to August now, okay? Just tell him the truth, boo. You'll both be fine, I assure you." 

And then she throws her phone at her brother who thankfully catches it and says, "Go outside and listen to him, August." 

And she's looking at him with such fucking obey me eyes that he just nods, feeling his own anger dissipating. He looks at the phone in his hand and it feels like it weights 10x more than normal, but he stands up one more time that night to take the phone call out of the dorm, out of people's range. 

"Jensen?" he finally says, still feeling hurt but confused to why he would say that August was the one who just left as if he wasn't the first one to hint that he wanted him out.

Jensen is pretty confused by what’s going on till he hears August’s voice on the line, saying his name like that no less. He licks his lips, forcing himself to speak up after a beat. “What happened?”

August hates hearing Jensen’s voice like that and for caring because does Jensen want him to humiliate himself and say that he felt hurt when Jensen said that? But he knows it will be useless to finish the call unless he's planning on leaving there right then right now, because otherwise Nora would find another way to make them talk. After a long pause he speaks, his voice hoarse, "You told me to leave, Jensen..."

Jensen’s brows are furrowed. He hasn’t known what to say in a while so he just shakes his head and says what he would have texted Nora if he were having this conversation with her instead. “I did nothing like that, I- anything I said to you was because I was trying to find a subtle way to tell you that I wanted the exact opposite. I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted to tell you that I didn’t want you to leave and I just thought I had to ease my way into that. That I couldn’t just come out and say that I’ve literally missed you for months and that I’m gonna miss you again when you go so you should just not. And I know that’s not plausible cause you have a life and a job so it’s even stupider that I wanted to tell you that...but it’s how I feel so...”

He rambles on and on in circles. His words aren’t pretty and he just hopes he got his point across and that it doesn’t all just make August even more mad.

August's confusion deepens, hearing Jensen's point of view of what had happened and how it's nothing like his own version. His heart does flip with hope when Jensen says that he didn't want him to leave, it was the opposite of that, he just said it in the worst way possible. He rubs his chest unconsciously as it fills with realization of what Jensen might be telling him. He wants him to stay? Not just at his house, but in his life? Is that what he meant? But it's how I feel so.

August covers his mouth wanting to scream to get out whatever started to bottle up inside of him since he left Jensen's place, thinking all he wanted from him was a bit of his time and body and he was done with him then. Turns out it's not like that at all, he said he wanted him to be there for more. 

He feels so relieved, he must look ridiculous wearing sweatpants, socks and his flip flops while making this call but happiness bloomed inside of him. "Jensen, I'm coming over again. Wait for me there, please, just wait, I'll be there quick! I have to give my sister her phone back and let her know I'm out again but I'll be there soon, okay? I didn't want to leave you at all." 

He sighs already making his way back to grab his own phone and shake his sister, "Be there soon, bye!" He remembers to say to Jensen before throwing the phone on her and saying he's going to Jensen's.

Jensen’s breath catches the moment he hears August going back on his words and actions over the phone. He thinks it must be too good to be true, that there’s no way August would give in to him so easily- god, he never has before and Jensen was ready to buckle down and fight for the long haul, possibly not even see August again for another few months before they resolved this.

But the breathless manner of August’s voice tells Jensen that the other man is serious, that he actually is on his way back over. His heart skips beats in his chest, looking around the empty apartment he’s been pacing since August left. It feels almost too good to be true and there is a part of him that worries in the time it takes August to reach him.

-

August doesn't run this time because that wouldn't be time efficient, he hails a ride and his legs shake impatiently the whole way there. Somehow this car drive seems to go slower than him on foot in the dark and as soon as they got on the right street, he just asks the driver to stop and thanks him before bolting out of there, running the rest of the way to the door he had walked out hours before.

"I'm at your door. Can I come in?" He texts, not wanting to ring the bell and waiting to see if Jens would read the message.

Jensen is sitting right by the door and August will see that his message is read the second it sends. Jensen wasn’t trying to hide at all that he was waiting for August. 

As soon as he reads that August is outside, Jensen leaps to his feet, opening the door and pulling the man inside. Just seeing August’s face again, so close to him within the same night, turning to morning, makes Jensen’s heart thrum in his chest but he reaches out to hook their index fingers together again to tug August through his door. 

It’s almost like a repeat of coming into his apartment earlier in the night, when they were both less emotionally compromised. Jensen pushes August back against his door once more, crowding into his space, pressing close to him, almost into a hug. But it isn’t that. Jensen just wants to be close to August, to know that the other man is really there with him. His hands find either side of August’s jaw again in that way he likes to hold him and Jensen touches their foreheads together, his own brows deeply furrowed. 

“Augie, all you do is leave me behind while I’m telling you not to go,” Jensen whispers, his voice thick with emotion as his eyes meet August’s.

He can feel his heartbeat ripple through his entire being, never having felt like he had so much on the line before.

August’s heart rate is up from running the remaining distance, but the tug that he feels on it is all from having Jensen in his arms again. He listens and watches Jensen's lips whisper something he knows now was likely a misunderstanding from the start. 

In a similar way as before, he takes one of Jensen's hand from his jaw, closing his around it and pulling it to rest against his chest, he could probably feel the beating of his heart beneath it.

Using the other hand, he tipps Jensen's chin up to connect their lips with a brute close mouthed kiss, it’s almost painful but so were the past couple of hours thinking Jensen didn't want him. 

Once satisfied with confirming it was all real, he was in fact back at Jensen's place and holding him, August lets go of Jensen's hand and face to pull him by the hips, flush against him and inhales the scent of the other's hair, feeling his nerves starting to disappear.

They had both read each other wrong and perhaps it makes sense, they didn't really know each other all that well. All they knew was that there was a deep physical connection between them from the start, but to have it evolve into something else wasn't the plan, especially with someone August didn't know if they would cross paths again. He had hope when he decided to visit Nora this time, but he couldn't be sure and he definitely didn't think he would feel that hurt when he thought Jensen was asking him when was he leaving.

"I thought you wanted me to leave, Jensen, when you asked me when I was leaving right after we were done fucking, it sounded like you were trying to get me out of your house... In no way I could've thought that was a segue way for you to say you wanted me to stay."

The air leaves Jensen's lungs again as he’s kissed harshly. He doesn’t resist it at all, rather, he presses back into it and into August's body. He fits there and he’s glad to be held there. Jensen shakes his head as August is still speaking, denying it all even now. "I've thought about you, Augie," Jensen breathes, though it rips him up to admit so clearly. He wants to tell August that when he thought about the summer he thought about their time together the most, but even that is too much for him to stomach saying aloud- for now, at least. 

"I wouldn't want..." Jensen shakes his head again, unable to take how deeply he feels and convert it into words for August to understand, now that he knows they need to be more open with each other than ever before.

"Just thinking that you're gonna go live your big life in a couple of days, exploring and being smart and inventive with all sorts of new people every day just..." he lets out a dry chuckle, glancing away from August's eyes for a moment because, my god, are his eyes hot? Is he really going to let August see him like this? "It makes me crazy. I just wanted to know how much longer we had together before we got put on hold again."

August's brows furrow, it’s strange to feel good and upset at the same time knowing Jensen might have wanted him for longer than tonight. That he thought of August even after he was gone. But it makes him feel so conflicted knowing that what he experienced in that summer house doesn’t fit right with this narrative. 

Still he wants it to be true and that’s stronger than any theory not being accurate in his mind. To hear Jensen say he wants him like that, makes that good burning sensation rise on his body. Before we got put on hold again? He didn't even know there was really a we, but watching Jensen say it with that expression made him groan feeling starved, wanting to kiss their confusion away.

"Jensen, this past summer all I did was look at you and see if you would look at me back instead of looking at my brother." He admits feeling so childish, "Tonight when you said you missed me, I felt– Felt like you you wanted me more than just for sex... And when we got here, that expectancy only grew as you continued to respond. I think we're fucking stupid, but I want you so bad and I want you to want me, but can you? Be satisfied with just me?" 

Because he wouldn't be able to deal with being with Jensen when they were present but knowing he was with someone else whenever August wasn't near him.

Jensen's ears grow hot as August brings up his relationship with Hannes. He knows he has to be honest and explain himself for August to trust him but that was much easier said than done. 

"I've never," Jensen swallows, feeling the burden of having to own up to his own actions. "I've never just...stayed at one place with one person before. I wasn't thinking, I was just doing what felt right. And Hannes was there, he smiled at me all the time, he never said no-" like you did "I didn't know how much I was going to miss you until I had to think about it." 

And then, tucking his forehead to the crook of August's neck, his hair brushing against August's jaw in a way it had many times that night alone when they were in bed, Jensen finally forces out of himself what he knows he should have said at the beginning of their night. "I'm sorry. I was stupid. I'm stupid a lot, but you get used to it."

Jensen's heart thunders in his chest, thinking about being fully committed, being in a relationship with someone he only sees so often. It makes panic rise in his throat, but not as much as the idea of August growing upset with him again, leaving him again in a whirlwind after a bout of loud and angry words.

"I can," he whispers with a nod. "I am satisfied. With just you." 

He finally admits with a shake of his head, "Even when I didn't have you, I was trying to."

Jensen basically told him what he wanted him to say, but why does August still feel tense, even with the man in his arms? August shakes his head slightly disagreeing with Jensen putting himself down like that, but the words that made him stop truly are the last ones.

He pushes Jensen slightly so he could look at his face, wanting to know if that was true, but truth is August hadn’t known him long enough to be able to tell. He would trust him, though, because otherwise coming back here would’ve been pointless and he refuses to believe the way he felt kissing Jensen just now was pointless.

“I don’t care that you slept with my brother that summer. Until this very moment you had no reason to even give me any explanation I guess...” he thinks out loud seeking the explanation that would be easier for them to accept, “But if we, you know, if we do this... How would that even work? I also don’t stay in one place, literally,” he thinks of the crumpled map on his bag.

“As you can probably guess, all of my past relationships fell short within a few months because of my restlessness,” he caresses the spot close to Jensen’s left eye, “Not that I think I’ll ever grow tired of you, but it isn’t fun to be the one waiting.” He repeats what was once said to him during a break up conversation.

Jensen’s eyes search August’s just the same way the other man wants to find sincerity in his face. He’s so used to diving blindly and head first into what feels right to him that there is no doubt in his features that he’s committed to this. 

But his heart does thrum at how August speaks about them, pushes to iron out the details and present problems in them trying to be together. It almost feels like too much to focus on the obstacles when they finally have a moment together now. Jensen shakes his head, as if to say I don’t know when August asks of him how they could possibly work. It isn’t a defeated gesture, rather a hopeful one, enunciating that regardless, they would figure something out. 

Jensen only takes a breath as his attention is drawn by August’s touch to his face. He leans into it, wishing he could only think about that. But he knows August deserves his full focus and more importantly, his words in the moment. 

“I...could come see you. Wherever you are. We could have summers.” Jensen feels his heart in his throat. He wonders if he looks as scared as he feels that they won’t land on the right conclusion, that one wrong word will undo everything they had gone through all night. 

His fingers grip tighter to August’s shirt than they had a few moments ago and he doesn’t even know it. “You’ve never had anything tethering you to your other relationships,” Jensen states even if he doesn’t know entirely if that’s true or not. 

“But we have Nora. She’ll always bring us back to each other. She’s everything to me and- well, she’s your sister so.” Jensen gives a chuckle even if it’s dry, “We can’t get rid of each other that easy. Even if the universe wanted us to.”

August's adrenaline starts to fade and giving the tiredness of all the physical activity that happened before. He doesn't think they can just sit and solve this, they would have to try. He couldn't guarantee that it would work, but they both wanted to, right?

We could have summers. The idea of spending weeks under the same roof as Jensen again brings a dirty smile on his face immediately. To be able to reach and touch him without feeling like they're doing something wrong or that they have to hide it under the bed. 

"I like that idea," he answers already halfway to reaching Jensen's lips with his again, sensing the hunger and insatiable need to have him come undone for him all over again despite his legs protesting against it.

It is real that they don't know each other, but maybe they could learn as things progressed. It might be backwards the way that August is just certain he's more than physically attracted to Jensen, there was a string connecting his heart and Jensen's finger. Like earlier that night, how such simple gesture made his body move and follow him out of the bar. 

"I was gonna leave the day after tomorrow to catch a bus to Boston for a meeting Tuesday morning, but... I could change my plans. I could stay until Monday night and get a red-eye." August’s life is very different, but every now and then he has to get in a suit and talk business with older men who already think he's too young to manage money like that.

"Will you let me crash your couch for the other days?" he suggests, feeling like that’s enough talking for them for now, neither are good at it anyway. They have their own ways to show how much they want each other. He takes a few steps forward until he has Jensen's foot catching the couch behind him. With a look that Jensen has seen multiple times now, August licks his lips and asked, "You don't keep any lube and condom in your living room, do you?"

Jensen’s brows already begin to furrow hearing how soon August planned on leaving. But he’s nodding in response from the second August talks about changing his plans, about staying with him. Jensen would have pulled any strings he had to in that moment if it meant having August for a few more days. 

“Yeah, of course,” he breathes, eyes searching August’s once again, this time for truth and commitment in his words rather than actions. “I’d love it if you stayed with me.” 

-

Jensen envisions a brief flash of watching the sun rise on August’s shoulder blades, but in an entirely different context than the times they’d been together on naked early mornings the past summer. It makes Jensen’s throat tight to think of being so attracted to August in such an intimate context, but it only solidifies his decisions. 

He feels like a weight is taken off his shoulders when August pushes them back, his fingers gripping August’s shirt to keep from falling back once his foot hit the couch. Jensen can’t resist the heat that fills him in being looked at in such a way. He leans in to catch August’s lips tightly before whispering between them, “No, but that’s alright with me...”

He was kissing August on the heels of the breath with which he spoke. He’s exhausted, physically and emotionally but he would die before he turned down even lying in bed with August, kissing and touching until they tired each other out and simply fell asleep tangled together.

August's eyes widen at this new information, his eyes darkening as he gets what that could mean. If they hadn't had already fucked for hours before, he would make sure to do it now, but as it is he feels like they both could use some sleep and rest.

"I... Am very interested in having a conversation about this," he gives Jensen a big smile, "But I think we have already used a lot of our energy tonight. Can we go to bed?" He nods towards the direction of Jensen's bedroom, wondering if he will find the place as messy as he had left or if Jensen cleaned everything, getting rid of his presence because he believed August freaked out for nothing.

"Are you as good as a bed partner as you are as a sex partner? I promise I'm not bossy when I wanna sleep, I can play nice..." his words say one thing but he keeps kissing Jensen every other word, unable to resist knowing they could do that with no other intention than lying in bed together. His voice is rough from all the talking and, well, moaning, but he doesn’t want to stop telling Jensen how much he wants this.

"What do you think... About you officially introducing your bed to your new boyfriend?" he asks, testing Jensen's reaction to the title, hoping it makes it clearer that he is committed to be in this journey with him.

Jensen's chest flutters hearing that August wants to go to bed. The last time they laid comfortably in bed was interrupted abruptly by his own idiocy paired with August's assumptions and Jensen is eager to right that wrong. 

"Yeah, of course," Jensen says with a breathless smile, the stress of the night beginning to alleviate from his eyes as well. It’s the first proper smile he gives August in a bit and it feels good. He can hardly stand the way his chest swells hearing August speak so candidly to him, making the switch over from their heavily sexual relationship to a more comfortable and intimate one so easy. Jensen only wishes he could speak his mind so easily and hopes he can learn soon for August's sake. 

"I don't believe you," he teases back gently in regards to August playing nice. He find it easier to focus on the lighthearted parts over all the rest. "But you can find out how good I am for yourself, just like you did with every other part of me."

He'd been rather easily distracted by August's kisses, melting into each one and letting them bring him back to the present moment, but hearing that August wants to solidify their relationship status before they'd even figured everything out tears him apart just as much as it elates him. There is a lump in Jensen's throat for a moment and he’s frozen against August, searching the man's eyes as he'd done earlier. 

"Really?" he only manages to ask softly. Jensen's tone isn't doubting or mocking in any way. He just needs to be positive that he heard right, that the other man is sure. August had always been the more pragmatic one between them, surely he has to know how much more it would hurt if they couldn't find a solution to make them work and they were boyfriends, right?

August hums as if it that clarifies things. Moving both of his hands down resting them on the curve of Jensen's ass, he actually wants to grab them hard with his fingers but he has no idea how sore Jensen is or not from their early adventures. 

Jensen must be truly vulnerable with the way he acts and speaks to him in that moment. He can remember the outgoing man who didn't seem to question himself too much on his decisions. Has he been like this all along? Wanting to be reassured but faking it with a pretty smile? 

He closes one of his eyes, as if he needs to think harder on his answer, "Really. I want to be able to tell people that I have a boyfriend when they ask me, say that I'm committed to this one person right now. That the only touch, the kisses and also the ravishing good sex is only available for that one person. Do you want to be that person, Jensen?"

Jensen's smile widens into a smirk at the way he’s held. It may seem overtly and exclusively sexual, but it feels endearing to him. He adores it and allows himself to lean forward against August's chest, their chins just barely missing one another. He almost can’t believe what he’s hearing from the other man. 

Of course, August had asked him for full commitment from their very first time sleeping together, so it should be expected that this would come, but Jensen is still stunned to see that the man, who had been but a fluttering presence in his life so far, wants him so fully now. 

Jensen can’t stand it. He tucks his face against August's jaw once more, nuzzling against him as a way to take his focus off how much he feels in the moment. "Of course I wanna be that person, Augie. Shut up." He breaths against August's skin, hiding away from how red the man's words make the base of his neck.

August tilts his neck to give Jensen more room without letting go of his hold on Jensen, closing his eyes to take in the feeling of Jensen's breath on his sensitive skin. 

He gives Jensen a couple of kisses on his cheek, releasing his hand to hold Jensen's and tug him to the room. He grins wanting to laugh but too tired to do so, the sunlight shining and reminding him that they didn't sleep anything last night. "Come on, boyfriend, let's get some sleep."

Jensen cuddles right up to August's side, his head resting in the curve between August's shoulder and his cheek. One arm draped around August's stomach, a leg draped around him too. He tells August to text Nora before they pass out too just so she doesn't worry. 

They are content and they fall asleep together as the sun is coming up in a way they only thought about doing over the summer.

-FIN

[dailyaudiobible]

07/04/2021 DAB Transcript

2 Kings 23:31-25:30, Acts 22:17-23:10, Psalm 2:1-12, Proverbs 18:13

Today is the 4th day of July, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it’s great to be here with you today. It’s a big holiday in the United States, Independence Day, major holiday for us. But It's, it's also a major holiday in my life, today is Jill's birthday. And so, all around the United States fireworks go off and we celebrate, at least around here, Jill's birthday. And so, happy birthday, Jill, how my gosh this journey could not have existed without her so happy birthday to my darling wife. We are at the beginning of a brand-new week just launching into this shiny sparkly week before us. And this week we’ll read from the English Standard Version. Picking up with the story 2nd Kings chapter 23 verse 31 to 25, verse 30.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word. We thank You for this brand-new week. We thank You for this significant and special day as its Jill’s birthday. So, we are grateful for all that she represents in this community and always has. So, we ask Your blessings over her. And, as we move into this week, we invite Your Holy Spirit to lead and guide our steps. You and You alone are worthy of our praise and we give it with all of our hearts. Come Jesus we pray in your mighty name we ask. Amen.

Prayers and Encouragement:

Hey it’s Lucas Judy calling, I’m just feeling pretty ___ cause I lost my roofing job a long-time ago and I was unemployed for three months and I was just paying here for about a month and I got fired. I snapped at someone and I really shouldn’t have and I’m just feeling very, very lousy right now. Please pray for me. I really need it. Thank you.

Hi this is Victorious Soldier I’m just calling tonight to encourage someone. I wanted to pray for Benson, I wanted to pray for those who are going through and those who’ve been asking God for something and it seems like He’s not giving it. I just wanted to bring something laying on my heart about something that happened to me when I was four years old. This man came and asked me to clean his place and he told me he would give me some money. He lived next door to where my mom and I was living at and my family as a little girl. And so, I got my little broom and my mop and everything and went up there to clean and I went to, when I was cleaning up his place, he grabbed me and he tried to rape me, he tried to take my panties off and it scared me so bad. And I was trying to hit him with the broom but it scared me so bad that I lost my voice. And, I could just remember in myself I said Lord, if I just had my voice and I opened my mouth and I began, when I opened my mouth, I began to scream cause I could hear my cousins and everybody outside looking for me. And when I screamed, I opened my mouth and I screamed and it was like it just came from nowhere. And that’s how powerful the Lord is, He is so powerful that we just call on His name and right there it’s answered. It may not be manifested but it’s answered. And that’s the way I’ve always thought of God. And He may not come when we call Him because His ways are not our ways but He’s always on time. And I just wanted to encourage somebody today who are going through, sick in their body or who’s like daughter is going through her own way or some other children is going through, just call on the name of the Lord and trust Him. He is, He is truly faithful. That’s when I realized that God was in my life and I knew that God had a calling for me. And I just want somebody to be encouraged today. And I just wanted somebody to be encouraged and hold on to God and get answers to prayers like never before. And God, I give you the glory, honor and the praise.

Hello my DAB family this is Mark Street from Sydney, Australia. Just calling in today cause I heard God’s Yellow Flower calling in on the Community Prayer for this week asking for prayer for her move and for her daughter and for Keith and his new medical team so I just want to pray for God’s Yellow Flower who has always prayed so diligently for everybody else. Heavenly Father, we come to You as a community and we thank You for God’s Yellow Flower who always looks after Your loving, Your people here Lord, praying for them every day Lord. She asks now for a favor from You to Lord, that You would look down and bless their move over to her daughter’s place and Keith would also move to a new medical team well. And Lord, if it is in Your will please Lord, heal him completely from his cancer and stop the suffering within him. Lord, but of course, You know what is best for Keith and his family and that’s what we want. We want Your love for him but also show mercy and grace on God’s Yellow Flower and their whole family through these hard times as well. We ask this in Your name. Amen. Love you family.

Hey DAB family, this is Grace and we really need your prayers. My boyfriend and I are both battling very scary illnesses and I just put him in the back of an Uber by himself to the hospital, I’m way to sick to take him and I’ve never, never ever not taken him to the hospital myself. And he’s there all by himself. And I am really scared to be home alone and my helper is gone and I can’t get to the house in my wheelchair and it’s just a lot. If you could just pray for us that God would show up in really really obviously and unmissable ways today. He feels so far away and that I pray here around the clock and I just feel so alone. Please, please pray for us. Please pray for the doctors and the nurses. We need to find help for what I need so I can get into my house and get to my job and that kind of thing. Really appreciate your prayers and support. Thank you again. Bye.

[possiblyimbiassed]

John’s wedding is a crime scene and Sherlock is the victim

What is BBC Sherlock actually about, and why were HLV and Series 4 so weird? I know there are lots and lots of different theories and alternative explanations at this point, but as far as I can see, there are two principal, recurring themes that are referred to in every part of this show: drugs and suicide. In fact, there’s not a single episode without references to self-inflicted deaths and drug problems:

• ASiP: A serial killer drives people to commit suicide. The victims are threatened and manipulated to take a dangerous pill. Scotland Yard makes a drug-bust in Sherlock’s flat (but finds nothing). • TBB: Killings occur in rooms locked from the inside, suspected to be suicides. A criminal network is dealing in drugs and stolen antiquities. Perpetrator literally falls on his own sword. • TGG: Three victims are wrapped up in explosives like suicide bombers. One victim is slowly killed by repeated injections with Botox which she has agreed to on a limited scale (John refers to this as ‘overdosing’ on his blog). A drug dealer (accidentally) kills his sister’s boyfriend and gets rid of the body. • ASiB: A man is killed by his own returning boomerang. Sherlock is drugged with an injection in the neck. Mycroft and John suspects a “danger night” for Sherlock as a drug user, after Irene Adler is found ‘dead’. • THoB: Henry Knight becomes suicidal when he’s harassed by visions of a monster dog. A hallucinatory drug, which instils fear, causes the visions. Sherlock and John are both affected by it. • TRF: Moriarty drugs a guardian with a spray, in order to steel the crown jewels. Kidnapped children are poisoned with candy. Sherlock is forced to jump from a rooftop in a fake suicide. The villain blows his brains out with a gun. • TEH: Sherlock’s ‘suicide’ has gravely affected John, who seems depressed and almost suicidal himself. John is drugged with an injection in the neck. • ASoT: Mrs Hudson tells John about her husband who was running a drug cartel. Major Sholto, who is stabbed in the back in an injection-like manner, threatens to kill himself at John’s wedding. • HLV: John finds Sherlock in a drug den, high on drugs. Sherlock is shot, and under his recovery attached to IV morphine. Sherlock drugs his family and John’s wife. After killing Magnussen, Sherlock is sent to Eastern Europe on a suicide mission. • TAB: Sherlock overdoses a mortal cocktail of drugs on the aeroplane. In Sherlock’s Victorian Mind Palace he takes a 7% solution of cocaine and Moriarty blows his brains out (again). A bride commits fake suicide, disguises as a ghost, murders her husband and then kills herself. • T6T: Sherlock is drugged by sniffing on a poisonous note from ‘Mary’. A young man dies trapped inside his own car (=classical method of suicide). ‘Mary’ throws herself in front of a bullet. • TLD: The whole episode is about suicide and drug use. TD12 is a drug used to make people forget things. 221B is converted to a drug lab. Sherlock, who is constantly high, deduces that Euros/Faith has been cutting her own wrists lately, and is suicidal (wears a gun in her handbag). Sherlock hangs on the railings of a bridge, but doesn’t jump. He tells Culverton Smith that he wants Smith to kill him. • TFP: Euros cut her own wrists when she was a kid “to see how my muscles work”. The parents thought it was a suicide attempt. John and Sherlock are drugged with tranquilizers.

These are far too many references to the same two themes, in order to be just a coincidence! Why so much talk of suicide, if these are detective stories about murder cases? And what’s with the constant nagging about drugs? In my opinion, whatever the answers are to the greatest enigmas of BBC Sherlock, they have to do with drugs and they have to do with suicide. And I also think TSoT is a turning point, parting from which the show displays an increasing weirdness from HLV and onwards throughout Series 4, because John’s wedding is a crime scene and Sherlock is the victim. And from HLV most of the plot takes place inside Sherlock’s Extended Mind Palace (EMP theory).

My working hypothesis for the moment is this: Sherlock didn’t actually get shot with a bullet; he overdosed drugs shortly after John’s wedding in a suicide attempt caused by heartbreak. John marrying someone else broke Sherlock’s heart. That’s why he imagines ‘Mary’ shooting him in her wedding dress. That’s also why we see him hospitalized so often from HLV and onwards, and why nurse Cornish says in TLD that he has ‘made a mess of himself’. Sherlock is dying from the drugs, but he has to wake up and survive in order to save John from committing suicide.

The villains are basically metaphors. Moriarty is Homophobia and ’Mary’ is Heteronormativity. They work together to keep Sherlock and John from having a relationship and to drive them to suicide. This could be achieved, in Sherlock’s case, by making him realize he has fallen in love, then break his heart and let drugs and self-harm do the rest. In John’s case killing Sherlock (by suicide) could achieve it. Sherlock fears that John would kill himself with his gun; that’s why we see firing guns so often from HLV and onwards. And I do believe this entire part of the show happens inside Sherlock’s mind (EMP theory).

Homophobia (Jim) is there to instil fear, to frighten Sherlock away from John, to have Sherlock believe he’s a monstrous sociopath who isn’t ‘good’ for John and not worthy of him. In most scenes we see Jim, he is extremely sexualized, but in a creepy and frightening way, often flirting with thoughts of suicide: 

Sherlock says in ASiB that sex doesn’t alarm him, but he still seems terrified to talk about it even with John in his own mind palace in TAB. John’s love for Sherlock is ridiculed (Jim calls him a ‘pet’) and made to appear as an unhealthy obsession.

Heteronormativity (’Mary’) makes it clear that an ordinary life - according to the norm - is the best for John; marrying a woman and go live in the suburbs with kids, car and a steady, ‘normal’ job. Unfortunately, John seems to have bought into this norm in spite of his own feelings, and Sherlock is made to believe this is the only life that can make John happy. And if he takes any step towards making this same-sex relationship reality, which would imply telling John how he feels about him, ‘Mary’ threatens to kill him.

In HLV, TAB and S4 Sherlock (in his Mind Palace) seems to go out of his way to find excuses for ‘Mary’; to glorify her and try to redeem her. What she has done to him is completely glossed over and never more addressed until Mary’s dying moment (which still happens inside his mind). But I think ‘Mary’s treacherous behaviour and her theatrical, unrealistic death in T6T are signs that Sherlock’s subconscious is aware that the lie of heteronormativity is not what either he or John needs; ‘Mary’ must actually go. But the fact that Sherlock subconsciously wants to get rid of ‘Mary’ makes him feel terrible guilt, fuelled by his low self-esteem: 

(I’ve tried to express my ideas about these metaphors in these posts: X, X, X and X)

So – what evidence is there for these wild theories?

In this ‘script’ from ASiP published on BBC’s website, we get this scene, which seems to have been left out in the final version:

(Lestrade and Sherlock are standing on the roof top of Scotland Yard talking about the case of repeated suicides; my bolding):

LESTRADE Okay. What am I getting wrong this time? SHERLOCK No notes. No prior sign. Each of them in a strange location that means nothing to them where they’ve never gone before... That’s not how I’d kill myself. On Lestrade. Glances uneasily at the edge of the roof, where Sherlock is standing. LESTRADE ... So. How are you doing these days?

In other words: Sherlock would kill himself, but in a different way, presumably after a) leaving a note, b) some ‘prior sign’s, and c) he’d do it in a familiar place that means something to him.

In TAB we learn that Sherlock has made a list of all the drugs that he’s taken; a promise to his brother since years ago. That’s a kind of note – isn’t it? A note that could help saving his life after an overdose. In TLD Sherlock makes this deduction about Faith/Euros (Thanks to Ariane De Vere for her amazing work with transcripts); my bolding:

FAITH: Sex. How did you know I wasn’t ... getting any? SHERLOCK: It’s all about the blood. (Close-up of the bloodstain on the paper, which Sherlock now gestures to.) SHERLOCK: This one comes from the very first night. You can see the pen marks over it. I think you discovered that pain stimulated your memory, so you tried it again later. I’m no expert, but I assume that since your lover failed to notice an increasing number of scars over a period of months, that the relationship was no longer intimate.

The blood-stained paper Sherlock is talking about is Faith/Euros’ annotations – a note -, which she scribbled in a drug-induced state because she wanted to remember something important. If Faith/Euros is actually a part of Sherlock, what he says here is that he did leave an increasing number of ‘prior signs’ – ‘scars’ - for months before his suicide attempt. Problem is that no-one noticed his self-harm, because Sherlock never talks about his feelings. If Sherlock did suffer torture in Serbia (I’m not sure if the Serbian scene is real though; it seems over-dramatized to me and the guardian’s uniform is unrealistic), he would have had fresh scars on his back when John beat him three times after his return, but he didn’t even try to protect himself. And John didn’t know, because they no longer lived together. Sherlock’s heart (heart-shaped bomb in the subway) was nearly exploding in TEH, but he switched it off.  

I think Sherlock’s maniacal wedding planning when John was marrying another person is also a form of self-harm, which was difficult for John to realize. 

And the drugs are, of course, also self-harm, which Molly points out in HLV when she berates him about throwing away his gifts. In TLD we see Sherlock in a miserable state caused by the drugs he takes. 221B, which is probably the place that means most to him, is converted into a drug lab. Molly examines him and gets to the conclusion that he is dying from the drugs. 

Holmes’ drug use in ACD’s Canon I think it’s interesting to compare BBC Sherlock with what happens to Holmes’ private life in Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories.

When Watson marries Mary Morstan and moves out from 221B, Holmes resorts to drug use (my bolding):

The Sign of the Four:  “The division seems rather unfair,” I remarked. “You have done all the work in this business. I get a wife out of it, Jones gets the credit, pray what remains for you”?  “For me,” said Sherlock Holmes, “there still remains the cocaine-bottle.” And he stretched his long white hand up for it.

A Scandal in Bohemia: “I had seen little of Holmes lately. My marriage had drifted us away from each other”. “Holmes, who loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul, remained in our lodgings in Baker Street, buried among his old books, and alternating from week to week between cocaine and ambition, the drowsiness of the drug, and the fierce energy of his own keen nature”.  

The Final Problem: “It may be remembered that after my marriage, and my subsequent start in private practice, the very intimate relations which had existed between Holmes and myself became to some extent modified”.

Before Holmes ’falls’ with Moriarty in The Reichenbach Fall (The Final Problem) he leaves a note to Watson (= a classic reference to suicide). It’s known that the storyteller’s (Doyle’s, which could also be seen as Watson’s) intention was to let him die and end the story with Watson living an ordinary life with his wife and only nostalgic memories left from his time with Holmes. But the audience insisted until ACD/Watson resurrected Holmes and published new stories. By the time Holmes comes back, however, Mary has died. Eventually, Watson moves back to Baker Street.

As ACD’s stories continue and the two men keep on solving crimes together, Watson seems to still be worried about Holmes drug use. 

The Devil’s Foot: “It was, then, in the spring of the year 1897 that Holmes’s iron constitution showed some symptoms of giving way in the face of constant hard work of a most exacting kind, aggravated, perhaps, by occasional indiscretions of his own”.

In this adventure Watson has taken Holmes on vacation to Cornwall, after another doctor’s recommendation that he must rest. But they soon get involved in a case where a mystic drug makes people insane. Holmes experiments with the drug during their investigation, and nearly has them both killed. But when Watson has saved them and Holmes realizes what he’s done, he gets a bit emotional: 

“Slowly it rose from our souls like the mists from a landscape until peace and reason had returned, and we were sitting upon the grass, wiping our clammy foreheads, and looking with apprehension at each other to mark the last traces of that terrific experience which we had undergone”.

“Upon my word, Watson!” said Holmes at last with an unsteady voice, “I owe you both my thanks and an apology. It was an unjustifiable experiment even for one’s self, and doubly so for a friend. I am really very sorry.” “You know,” I answered with some emotion, for I had never seen so much of Holmes’s heart before, “that it is my greatest joy and privilege to help you.”

The Missing Three Quarter: “For years I had gradually weaned him from that drug mania which had threatened once to check his remarkable career”.

This makes me believe that Watson is the actual reason why Holmes eventually abstains from drug use. After Watson married, Holmes nearly killed himself. But when he got his Watson back he eventually managed to leave the drugs for Watson’s sake. In BBC Sherlock’s Victorian episode TAB we can also see how upset Watson is by Holmes’ drug use:

In canon, considering the time it was written, a romantic relationship between Holmes and Watson could not be even hinted at. I believe Holmes’ heartbreak is implied in the subtext, however, by the mention of his drug use in relation to Watson’s marriage. 

Another observation that I think is important in comparison with BBC Sherlock is that in canon Holmes never gets shot – certainly not by Watson’s wife - and he never murders anyone. These events in HLV stray so far away from canon, that it seems like we’re entering a totally different story. Which is one of the reasons I think it’s actually not happening; instead, we enter into Sherlock’s Extended Mind Palace (EMP theory).

Why does the story get so weird after TSoT? I firmly believe that John’s wedding is a crime scene and Sherlock is the victim; it’s a description of delayed stabbing where the wound inflicted on the victim eventually makes him commit suicide. 

Two cases of intended murder are referred to during the’ wedding reception, and even John’s stag night before the wedding has ‘murder scenes’ as a theme. The idea of the wedding as Sherlock’s crime scene is, in my opinion, supported by a series of factors:

1. The intensive attention Sherlock pays to minute planning details like who is sitting with whom, the colour of the bride’s maid’s dresses and how the serviettes are folded seems like a desperate burst of OCD. Sherlock normally hates social gatherings and he particularly despises weddings, which he doesn’t fail to point out several times in his Best Man’s speech. And yet he shows this complete dedication to wedding details  – just like he’d pay close attention to the minute details on a real crime scene.

2. It’s also supported by Sherlock’s deductions about what kind of person could only be killed at a wedding and why:

This description fits with Sherlock himself. It’s even spelled out by Mrs Hudson: 

3. Major Sholto – who seems to be a mirror for Sherlock – is stabbed in the back (delayed murder), but even after he’s made aware of this, he threatens to kill himself inside a locked room by opening the wounds already inflicted on him by the Mayfly Man (a mirror for John). Sherlock agrees with Sholto that one should embrace the proper time to die when it comes – just not at John’s wedding!

4. Sherlock seems heartbroken (probably almost suicidal) already at the wedding, and his utter self-loathing shows in the speech, where he calls himself the most horrible things. He’s on the verge of tears when he says he can now congratulate John on his choice of new companion. When he talks about the new story about to begin as replacement to his and John’s ‘frankly ridiculous adventures’, he seems to write himself out of their story completely. But I think he loves John too much to ruin his big day, so he ‘soldiers on’ (both Sherlock and Major Sholto were preparing for ‘battle’ in the morning of the wedding day). Sherlock even leaves a note - the sheet music with the notes of the song he has composed for John - and disappears early from the wedding. 

5. After John’s wedding in TSoT, John stops updating his blog. Sherlock takes over and posts some pics from the wedding makes one last post (a note?) when John is on honeymoon with Mary. After this there are no more posts on John’s blog.

To me the moment when John’s blog ceases to update is an important point in the story arc; it’s testimony that the show passes from ‘truth’ to ‘poetry’. I think we should read the blog thoroughly and watch out for sequences in the show that are not referenced in John’s blog; any ‘adventure’ that is not described by John looks suspicious to me. After TSoT we no longer have any reference or ‘second opinion’ to check what’s going on, and from now on the narrative gets more and more incoherent, fantastical and bizarre. As if someone on crack has dreamt it up… ;)

The derailing story arc by S. Holmes In HLV we see Sherlock resorting to drugs after the wedding, just like in canon. Later, when ‘Mary’ shoots him in the chest, Sherlock’s MP!Moriarty talks about heartbreak and loss. His MP!Molly talks about the pain that’s going to kill him if he can’t supress it.  But wait – how can Sherlock feel the pain of the gunshot if he’s unconscious after three seconds? That doesn’t make sense to me. And what has heartbreak and loss to do with a gunshot? Furthermore: the whole story of Sherlock Holmes getting shot isn’t even mentioned on John’s blog, in spite of the repercussion such an event must have had in the media. But by then the blog is no longer being updated (and yet we see John typing and typing on it in T6T)...

In his mind palace Sherlock sees ‘Mary’ shooting him when she is dressed as a bride. In the Victorian setting of TAB, Sherlock tries to solve a case where a bride murders her husband after he leaves a drug den. She has faked her own suicide, and then she re-appears as a vindictive ghost (hmm, that sounds familiar...)  Sherlock wakes up on a plane, after having overdosed on a mortal mix of drugs. What if the shooting in HLV is merely Sherlock’s drugged brain’s interpretation of the heartbreak of loosing John? What if Sherlock OD:d already early in HLV, and the rest happens in his imagination?

I believe that HLV, TAB and the whole of S4 happen inside Sherlock’s mind. Sherlock, who now tries to imagine himself through John’s eyes, orchestrates all of this ‘play’. But the detective isn’t good at writing detective stories; he needs his Blogger for that.

While John is a somewhat unreliable narrator who romanticizes some things and twists the truth a bit when he feels the need to make the story more attractive, Sherlock just can’t put together a coherent story. Sherlock has the brain of a scientist, and he tries to be a logical person on the outside, detached from Sentiment. But his inner self is highly emotional, and in his heart he has always wanted to be a pirate; he hates boredom. He’s a ‘drama queen’ who constantly exaggerates mundane events and personalities that John would have described more dutifully, albeit in a romanticized context. But Sherlock takes them, converts them into Drama and lets them play out against each other in different scenarios (=experiments), to see what happens. ‘Euros’ in TLD and TFP, and all her incarnations, are all parts of his experimental self.

HLV, TAB and Series 4 are Sherlock’s Big Drama, and at the same time his inner journey towards understanding his own feelings and ‘what to do about John’. He re-cycles John’s earlier words and descriptions of their ‘adventures’ and puts them together in new, bizarre ways, using his vast source of imagination; his brain. Sherlock adds some dramatic ideas from movies and theater and tries to fit it all into John’s narrative framework, but fails miserably. Which, taken at face value, makes S4 a disaster of doom and gloom, ending in a nightmarish horror story where heteronormativity (’Mary’) is still looming over them. Sherlock is the drug user, not John, and his drug-induced story soon derails into absurdity; he needs John to tell him (and us) a better story.

How can a better story be told? I think John is the man to do this; he’s the best storyteller, but that’s for Series 5. However, I do believe Sherlock has learned a lot about both himself and John in his gloomy and heartbreaking inner scenarios, which gives him a good emotional starting point for the next series. The most important acquired knowledge is probably that he needs to stay alive (= not commit suicide) in order to save John Watson. I believe the one thing that may have left a window open for him surviving his suicide attempt was his ‘last vow’ in TSoT:

Already in HLV he realizes that “John Watson is definitely in danger”. He feels he must stay alive for John’s safety, and later (in TLD) he also realizes that “your life is not your own - take your hands off it!” He promised to be there for John, and he needs to keep his promise so John can trust him, which I believe John reminds him of in his EMP scenario in T6T:

Sherlock has been thinking he can protect John by sacrificing his own life (that’s what the principal villains have told him), but he’s been wrong; he can only save John by staying alive. Staying alive is the solution to The Final Problem.

But to really be there for each other, they both need to work together to defeat the worst villains of the story: homophobia and heteronormativity. It’s also essential that Sherlock learn to embrace his own feelings – especially towards John – and express them clearly. 

Sherlock can now defeat Moriarty/Homophobia by acknowledging the value of the very thing Jim tries to frighten him with: his own sexual and romantic attraction to John. Instead of seeing his own love as something dangerous; a weakness, ‘a vicious motivator’ and a culprit that will lead to harm for John, he must recognize and embrace it:

As for ‘Mary’, I think the most important things to remember about her is that she’s a façade used to uphold heteronormativity (and I firmly believe that was her purpose in ACD canon as well), and a liar who’s up to no good. 

Thus, she needs to be defeated for the story arc to be complete. To defeat her, Sherlock and John must stop trusting her, stop believing in her lies and ultimately reveal them for what they are. Which means that both John and Sherlock need to come out of their respective closets; John has to stop worrying about that “people might talk” and Sherlock has to drop his ‘sociopath’ façade and give in to some Sentiment. And I think – and hope – that at some point in Series 5 we will finally see them start working together to achieve this.

ETA: This turned out to be a meta series in five parts; you can find the rest here: [Part II] [Part III] [Part IV] [Part V]