#you think its FUNNY to be abusive and play on peoples guilt. thats literally it. you get kicks and laughs out of it. thats all you care

[snekdood]

i could give these bitches a million dollars and they'd still treat me like im not doing enough. like im done w yall fake progressives yall dont care about shit for shit. yall only care about yourselves and shit that benefits you specifically and if it benefits anyone else thats an after thought and just a bonus to you, you dont actually *care* if other ppl benefit from the shit you do.

[tiredtriedfailures]

its so funny to see this dynamic

play out but these two bring a whole new level

cuz we see again and again that Dong Eun, as relentless as she is to start and continue this plan, as calm and cold as she needs to be to execute it, as ruthless as she is to not feel any guilt for everything that happens to her abusers, wont harm anyone directly. yes, the plan ends up killing and destroying them, but never with her own hands, she is more inclined to let them do the work themselves, always, only themselves(even with her own mom! she plays the waiting game). the biggest proof of her mercy is giving Yeon Jin an out for Ha Do Yeong's single kind gesture. as we find out at the end, as broken and invisible she thought she is, Dong Eun is an inherently kind person who cant directly harm them.

this freak on the other hand spends day and night daydreaming stabbing the one person protected behind safety of prison bars(lets be honest at that point the bars arent protecting the people from that guy but him from Yeo Jeong) and is fully okay with killing anyone she asks as well. now you may be likely to take his entire, committed, likening himself to her Royal Executioner as simply just an expression of devotion, i get it since he doesnt end up doing that for her, but after watching the last episode i was convinced he didnt kill any of her abusers because she wouldnt have him do it.

see, his little speech to his prison bird just reveals an important piece of his psyche, he tells him his oath is to protect and save people but doesnt say anything about animals, inhumans, like him. meaning this guy has a mentality where at some point of immorality you lose your humanity in his eyes and become discarded. it is a line where he wont hesitate, he wont regret, he wont even have guilty dreams about the person he killed, maybe not even think about them again for the rest of his life. Light Yagami ass views. he doesnt ask Dong eun if she killed Miyoung-o cuz he literally doesnt give a shit. not a single question mark on his mind. hes like "if she dids it she dids it, if she didnst it she didnst it" and thats that.

and his insanity is written so well, all of his scenes with Dong Eun's abusers were tense as shit. because while you dont know how dangerous he really is till the last speech, in all of them his mere entering of their spaces is threatening, he either has them under his knife or under his car, even his first meeting with Ha Do Yeong is invading, not the park he frequents, no, its invading his mind. he leaves that meeting with the information of what kind of a person he is, enough to make a dead on prediction of his step-by-step behavior. he is smiling and cracking jokes through the interactions but YOU, the viewer, are aware there is something wrong with him.

when he buys that funeral home i was fully expecting him to fill it with corpses himself. in retrospect, that plot would have been too taxing on Dong Eun and im not sure she would ever let herself live after that but cant see Yeo Jeong being too bothered to be honest.

[liquidstar]

something the latest chapter of kaguya-sama made me realize is just how much better all of the characters are doing in their lives now because of their friendships with each other, and i just think thats so sweet.

kaguya herself used to be absolutely miserable and never smile, but then chika made her be her friend and miyuki made her join the student council and over time she became so much more open and happy, you really see just how important all her friends are to her when she’s afraid that she might lose all the pictures of them she’s taken, they absolutely melted this former ice queen’s heart. through the series she gets more and more warm and acts more like a typical happy girl. the ending song for the second season also makes it really obvious that she sees her friends as her happy place, an escape from her terrible home life, she really does love them so much. in the latest chapter she makes it so clear that her friendship with chika is just as important to her as her relationship with miyuki, and that the only reason she didn’t tell her was that she was afraid chika would be mad that she has a new special person in her life, but because chika loves her friend so much she’s nothing but happy to see her finally have more special people in her life too.

and miyuki of course has gotten a lot better when it comes to accepting his flaws and not seeing himself as a failure, he only ever initially drops this facade around chika who becomes sort of like, a mom friend to him, and since a lot of his issues stem from his mom abandoning him its really important for him to see that not everyone will. and later on its much more directly addressed between him and kaguya he becomes much more able to be happy with who he is and not push himself so much or be afraid that people will leave him for not being perfect. not to mention his friendship with ishigami who he actually confides a lot of his issues in, despite the fact that he gets his relationship advice from manga, but the scene of them laying down under the tree and just talking, while very funny, is still a really sweet moment. his relationship with kei is also very big, because thats his sister, but he also sort of fills the role their mother usually would have for her. and though she’s annoyed by it, its really important for her because its implied that when she was with her mom she wasnt exactly treated well, she ran away to be with her father and brother for a reason, and kaguya was the one that actually gave her the strength to do so so it all comes back full circle. 

but chika has her own issues too, she seems like a very simple character, a typical genki girl. but she was a musical prodigy as a child, winning award after award. and yet she was so unhappy with that very ridged life, she had no freedom and all she did was practice. you can see it in her eyes in the flashbacks, despite the praise and trophies her eyes were were so dead and she was so different from the happy carefree chika we know. but then kaguya sort of became the straw that broke the camel’s back that forced her to quit, and it wasnt really out of kindness at first, but their friendship ultimately is what made her become the chika we know, the one who loves to laugh and play, its like she’s making up for lost time and finally getting to be a kid with all her friends. she is very much the gifted child who lost her childhood because of it, but she’s so much happier now. not to mention her friendship with the table-top board game club! its not given as much focus but you can really see her thrive in something she’s truly passionate in now, she loves making games and playing them with her friends!

ishigami’s whole thing can be pretty heavy, its played off as a joke at first but he legitimately is explicitly suicidal, but hes able to get better with the power of friendship. miyuki was very literally portrayed as a light coming into his life when he first enters his room to save him from his isolation. even before that though, miko also helped him, even if he didnt realize it, she was the one that advocated for him not to be held back a year which prompted the student council to look into his case and help him too. he has to get over a lot of his anxieties, at first he’s even afraid of kaguya, but he warms up to her over time too and they develop a pretty sweet relationship with her as his sort of tutor. and very critically, he joins the cheer squad. he actually put himself out there and made “normie” friends and it turns out it wasnt so scary after all. and his crush on tsubame is so important, because she rejects him, but they stay friends. he never once feels like she owes him anything or “friendzoned” him, even if it hurt to be rejected he wanted to be friends. she was really afraid of losing her friend that she loves so much, those feelings of platonic love arent in any way seen as lesser. and she helps him in the end by making sure the school knows that hes actually a nice guy and that means the world to him. theyre still friends and that relationship is important to both of them.

similarly though, ishigami also helped miko before they were even friends without her realizing it. he saw how much she was struggling with the constant bullying and decided to leave her a note to tell her that it gets better, and it was an incredibly important thing that stuck with her for a long time. their entire relationship is defined as “two people who secretly help each other” because theyre both hold such high personal morals that they dont expect good deeds to have to be pointed out or repaid. and then when she ran in the election, miyuki helped her get over her stage fright so people wouldn’t make fun of her anymore, and because he’s such a nice guy he even offered her a seat in the student council where she’d make a bunch of new friends, and despite going through sort of a rough patch she’s still ultimately far more confident than she’s ever been and she’s absolutely ready to become the president next year now, finally achieving her goal. and her relationship with miyuki becomes very sweet as they develop their relationship in the “senpai-kun and kohai-chan” chapters where they just bond as friends, often through her weird emo poetry but he supports her despite being terrified of it. 

hayasaka is one of the most loaded characters in the series despite not being in the student council. the arc that focuses around her is even titled “ai hayasaka’s friends” because they’re what help her out of her situation. since she was a child she was used as a pawn by the shinomiya family, not unlike kaguya herself, and she considers kaguya to be like her precious little sister. but she’s also been manipulated into betraying kaguya by becoming a spy for her abusive family. and the amount of guilt she feels over it is so painful to watch, but she’s too afraid to do anything about it. when kaguya finally finds out, she’s not instantly forgiven, but for the first time in kaguya’s life she wants to forgive someone who betrayed her, and they talk it out, and they can finally become proper friends just like they always both dreamed of. her friendship with miyuki is interesting too, because they have a clash of ideals about not letting your “true self” be seen by people, because they wont love you anymore, and despite miyuki arguing against it, it very much is an idelogy he shared at the time. but when she finally does show her true self she’s loved, and in the valentines chapter she confesses to him, not out of love, but out of friendship. she asks him to be her friend, and her circle of friends just grows from there with all her facaudes dropped.

all of their arcs just play into the greater overall theme of the series, which just comes down to honesty and vulnerability with the people youre close to, the series may be a romance but it places such important emphasis on all its characters relationships and how they can make each other better, its so nice. theyre just friends and they care each other. 

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[ber-bonfamille-lyons]

BDRP Resolutions

in which this is long 

Write your RPer Resolutions for 2018!

-Plot with more members, definitely! I try to expand of course and rp threads with everyone but I think I could do better and could def do bigger plots with more people.

-Complete more tasks tbh. This one is gonna be hard for me to do but idk if I could do at least one task every other month that would be an improvement over last year haha.

-Continue to work on scenery and detail etc. My weaknesses. I hope that rping more detail-oriented characters, like Charlie or even Mowgli, or exploring the lake with Andrina or the forest with Prince/Merida will help with this. Though also just being more aware of it in the day to day

-Dream Journal for Charlie/More music stuff for radio

Write at least one resolution, or “goal,” that you have as an RPer for your character(s)

Mel: This was on last year’s so that tells u something but I think it’s gonna happen-- explore her feelings for Howl! Also would love for her to do some more seedy things and i see want an apprentice!!

Ber: Explore Berlioz’s mental health more. Whether I do this through tasks/one-shots or something, Ber is kinda in this weird place where he’s blurring the line between reality/fantasy and I think that’s interesting. A lot of it has to do with things he isn’t dealing with (trauma from Taka and going down into hell). Also very specifically I want him to rp with Marie more bc Berrie is kinda underdeveloped both on my part as an rper and his part as like a mediocre brother lmao. I also like him as a supporting role in other people’s plots and I hope I can keep pushing him in those directions. And of course I’m very interested to see him and Simba repair and grow their relationship hopefully stronger than ever. <3 OH and g row a backbone tbh stand up for himself more do it ber

Kiara: Figure out her school life!! I still want to have her shadow someone sooo I think I could see her shadowing Minnie or even Jiminy since she’s sort of into health and social work. Also explore her envy of her friends with magic bc she had powers in Star wars and lowkey she still wants powers (opportunity for Feys Gold Antics here-- also feel liek there could be something interesting in Kiara v. Jake if Jake really does start getting more elitist)

Hades: BOARD STUFF. Im really excited to play Hades as a politician and like-- authority figure in town. Though he’s gotta save his own soul first lol. Also supporting Belle in hopefully going back to school. Alsoooo there are loose threads in hell that I have and would like 2 look into…

Milo: Talk with Jane about what comes next after pride u because his grant is almost up! Plot with BIANCA/BERNARD hopefully about the rescue aid society.

Nala: ONE NIGHT STAND SERIOUSLY. Let loose. Date someone bc if she fell in love work wouldnt be her focus and she’d grow a lot. Uh repair relationship with Simba?

Kiki: bring back jiji lmfao i suck. Finish her apprenticeship and unlock the trU nature of her powers and stuff mhm. Also kiss someone lol

Anita: Bring her fam in town and explore like, this clash between her old life and the new life now that she has grown so much.

Prince: ACCEPT UR FEELINGS FOR ELLA. Embrace them! Continue to train Bambi/find the fucker who shot u/be a Dad and do Dad things like idk a parent teacher conference??? Thats hilarious. Somehow I want him to become like a guest lecturer at Pride U but I’m not sure how yet. I also feel like idk Akela could draw him into becoming slightly darker after this shooting and that might be interesting so who knows, maybe he should join Akela’s morally gray magic club,

Paul: GO TO PRIDE U PLZ. Deal with the paulina plot lol. Contend with his inferiority issues that stem from the financial inequality between him and Perdy. Just rly go into their relationship and figure it out post-break up post-make up u know

Andrina: Explore the lake. Get into seedy stuff with Ursula maybe??? Continue to sleep with people thats very fun for me. FIND OUT WHO RAVEN IS. Get a cat.

Merida: I need her to make more friends bc I want her to fuck up and then ruin all those friendships ahaha. Want to have a showdown with some powerful magicks, gimme Akela and Max, all the shapeshifters!!!

Mowgli: Meet the Bonfamilles (lmao). Uhhh would lvoe to rp more with Akela i need to brainstorm how. I’d also like him to become more extreme tbh? Maybe start having night terrors or something bc of all his suppressed guilt wow just got a good idea ahha. Alsoooo maybe get a mentoooor…

Charlie: HAVE A PROPHECY ABOUT SOMEONE PPL HIT ME UP. I wanna start him on the research train when I get that in place and also maybe abuse hospital equipment (aka scan his own brain ehhe)  but also maybe save someone’s life would be cool, ok, yeah. Also hopefully grow his relationships with all hospital personnel and patients, and maybe get a  mentorship with Tibbs and/or Sweet. In fact it’d be really cooool if he could eventually help Sweet with his research like as an intern or assistant or something. And also i want to get him to an event but i need him to get a friend for that so!!! A texting buddy friend, that is a specific goal.

Write at least one resolution IN CHARACTER for your characters. What do THEY want to accomplish or change in the New Year? 

Mel: “Do something impossible.”

Ber: “Be a better brother and friend and boyfriend… be less crazy lol ahah”

Kiara: “figure out my LIFE lmao”

Hades: “Make real change in Swynlake.”

Milo: “Apply for a grant to study Atlantis...again.”

Nala: “Be my oWN love of my life. I’m a single independent woman and that’s amazing, I’m AMAZING.”

Kiki: “Restore Jiji D:”

Anita: “Direct a play again! That would be very fun. Oh, and paint more, I really do need to paint.”

Prince: “Be a good father to Bambi… make the forest a safe place again.”

Paul: “Be a good father, a good partner-- find better ways to support my kids.”

Andrina: “lol i dont DO goals bye.”

Merida: “Shoot Mor’du. Become a Prince.”

Mowgli: “... don’t make any trouble.”

Charlie: Bitch has a list.

Get phlebotomist license!!

Renew certs: CPR/AED/First Aid/Wilderness First Aid/BLS

Give up gluten! Again!

Exercise.

Go to a Swynlake Event! It will be fine no one will die!!! (!!!)

Plotting Exercise! Pick one of the resolutions/goals in #2 and plan a rough guideline to how you could accomplish it.

Mowgli explores his powers/grief

PARA 1: Has a  nightmare and accidentally sets something on fire (Akela)

PARA 2: Frightened, Mowgli confides in someone about his powers (Peach/Will)

PARA 3: Seeks help from either Howl or Ursula--depending on which one, it could litERally change the direction of the entire plot.

List of Characters I want to RP with:

I went through character by character but I would love to do more than this I am sure ahah.

Mel: Mateo, Ursula, Sophie (bc duh Howl), Akela

Ber: Irma, Sophie because they should be better friends, more Peg, JENNy bc they play piano ok!!, ANNETTE bc they totally know each other!!, tbh daisy and ber could do something with anxiety, Rita for sure, more Simon somehow i swear it

Hades: Sally, more stuff with Miguel, Jack, Shock/Samara, Al, Cruella, Simba, Oogie, maybe Dipper

Kiara: more stuff with Jake, Jiminy, Minnie/Rama maybe, Isa, Wilbur, Penny, Ollie, Jenny. Also lowkey Ursula.

Milo: more stuff with Kida, Bianca, Elena, also Goliath and Thomas (teachers!!)

Nala: MAUI. sorry look i just want maui its been a year. Also maybe some board members and stuff since she’ll be politically active? So Al, Cruella, Soleil for that (and Simba, but I rp with simba allll the time). Also Arthur, Adam.

Kiki: Mateo as well!! More young-ish people: Dipper, Maui (she’s a #bigfan), Callie.   

Anita: more stuff with Perdita. Also other artists: Pascal, Jane, Namine, Violet, maybe Art if he does art??, Peach, Peri, Duchess etc!! Hit me up please.

Prince: all the forest politics okay: Alasdair, Akela, Goliath, Shere, why are these men. Also just big Magicks in general: Ursula, Namine maybe. More fairies so Peri and Terence. Also very specifically: Theo and Thomas O’Malley. Maybe Jake tbh if he starts like patrolling the forest?

Paul: Goliath bc he’s a lit professor! Thomas bc they are bros now!!!! Maybe some other mersisters-- Aqua, Alana, Arista. Peach bc writing? Lmao. Also some lowkey shady people like Roscoe or Lock would be really great. Possibly Oogie bc he owns a casino and gambling~

Andrina: URSULA ok sorry i just want the sea witch. TBH Hiro or Tombo could be cool bc she’s into STEM stuff. Ken because I want to rp with Ken and I don’t think anyone else would get along? Ahah. Arista, Aqua and Alana. Herculessss.

Merida: Bambi bc scottish and also lowkey was involved in mother’s death!!! Maximus bc she should shoot him!! More Shere! Follow-up with Goliath tbh in class lmao would be funny. CORNY bc thye r destined to be friends. Callie!!! Oo, also more Eric.

Mowgli: Howl, Ursula, Mateo, more Peach, Jenny, Wilbur, Theo, Bambi Penny (yay orphans). Maybe a professor: Thomas, Goliath, Shere?

Charlie: so many ok. Ellie, Sweet, Shock, Jack, SALLY thats in caps bc I need it, Dipper, Boo, tbh could do some drug stuff with Roscoe, Lock and Theo. Rita bc she can be his mom, Oogie, anyone with trauma who wants charlie to relive it with them: eric, thomas, shere, lou the list can go on-- annnnd belle and callie also

[tumblunni]

OH MAN GEEZ IM FUCKIN EMOTIONAL ALREADY black butler: book of circus spoilers below:

oh god, the ways they expanded the story for the anime are SO FUCKIN SAD I kinda like that they made it so you actually do see the circus crew kidnapping children this time. I mean, I dont think its made to make them any less sympathetic, but it definately reminds you that the playing field is even here and they’re morally complicated rather than just poor innocent victims of mr evil protagonist. Also its REALLY GORY and REALLY PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR

Its so messed up, seriously These poor kids are being sent to kidnap other kids, by a creepy asshole murder pedophile fuck. And they dont know WHY theyre kidnapping kids, they don’t know what happens to the ones they hand over. And they’re all JUST FUCKING KIDS, they’re fucking children who’re all heavily disabled in different ways and LITERALLY owe their life to this horrible villain man. And they dont know why they were saved and why these other kids are.. going.. somewhere else. And they really dont know whether to trust their ‘father’, but its pretty clear they all have their suspicions that the kidnapped kids might be dying. But they dont have anywhere else to go if they disobey their father, and he’s fucking with their heads so they all feel like they’re the only onw with doubts and they cant even question it or everyone will turn on them and they’ll get kicked out on the street again and never see any of their siblings. And they all VERY MUCH know what its like to be dying on the streets. And this time they’d had a chance to know what its like to have prosthetic limbs and medical help and be able to eat three solid meals a day and wear pretty clothes and have a family. Having all that taken away will hurt even more than if they’d never known what it’s like..

So I sympathise with them, I really do. And I really believe they could have been rescued, and could have been redeemed, and ultimately we shouldnt be blaming them for what they did, only blaming the man who forced them into it and gave enough illusion of choice that they were able to feel guilt about it... BUT STILL that was REALLY FUCKED UP AND DISTURBING AND SAD AND DISTURBING AND SAD

seriously they PUT ON A FINAL CIRCUS SHOW for every single kid they kidnap part of it is about luring them in so they trust them, but also it seems they take it way too far for it to just be that. They almost got caught because they spent so much time doing their performance for this poor lil matchstick seller girl! and its equal parts heartwarming and DISGUSTING because this poor kid is like.. I dont even know if they drug their victims or if she was just going insane from having to see them killing the policeman that tried to save her they’re just horribly gorily fighting the policemen, stabbing a fucking knife through some guy’s eye, and the kid is sitting there having a complete mental collapse, laughing as if this is all part of the show. And we get this twisted vision of her point of view, seeing the nice clown man doing a funny show smacking mr teddy bear with a mallet, as the dead body of the policeman falls at her feet. And then they bundle her into the carriage and thats just the end. We dont find out what happens to the kidnapped kids, any more than the kidnappers know... We just got to learn so much about this poor kid, and that poor policeman, and have a bunch of heartwarming moments of them becoming friends, and then she just turns the corner for like five minutes and the policeman is like ‘wtf is that flute music’ then sees a fuckin ENTIRE CIRCUS IN AN ALLEYWAY and gets stabbed through the goddamn eye trying to reach the kid in time. And she’s so out of it that she couldnt even see him. His last thoughts were probably seeing her glassy eyes staring right through him... And we know that he had a daughter that this street urchin reminded him of, and we know she had a sick little brother who really needed the money the policeman gave her, and an abusive mother that’ll probably be forcing that poor brother to go out panhandling now her daughter is gone.. And just... GAHH my fucking emotions my sadness and also A LOT OF FEAR so much blood

and I KNOW HOW IT ENDS i know that the kids don’t fuckin go to a happy place with a nice new dad and ‘father’ only spared those few kids so they could be pawns he could manipulate into capturing more kids, and test subjects for his evil science team’s freaky bullshit and they dont even KNOW that they’re test subjects! they dont know that their prosthetic limbs are MADE FROM THE OTHER KIDNAPPED KIDS WHO NEVER CAME BACK god, im already imagining how they’d fuckin animate the poor ringleader guy throwing up as he realizes his arm is made from someone else’s bones and then he just DIES they all just die horribly in service of this disgusting fucking child murderer pedophile that they thought was their father half of them never learn that they were the villains all along, the other half get to know it just in time to despair utterly as they’re killed off too

and evil bastard’s trump card that kept them all obeying him it DIDNT EXIST he fucking held it over their heads that their other siblings were still out there somewhere, at his ‘orphanage’, and they had to work with him so he could send money back to them so they could all be happy too when really he’d killed them long ago, and for all we know they could be the ones that joker’s prosthetic arm was made from T_T and ciel’s fuckin only chance to do something to help the people he completely failed who all died hating him and thinking he’d betrayed them, that they were the good guys and he was the villain... that last chance was a fucking lie he tried to save the ‘other kids’ and the fucking ‘orphanage’ was an empty abandoned building full of nothing but maybe a stray doll they left behind before they were all horribly murdered so we just end on our protagonist being the absolute villain of this arc, and the actual villains being sympathetic kids, and him laughing like a madman as his last chance of redemption blows away on the wind

oh, and he fuckin personally murdered a bunch of kids too, even though he didnt kill all his villain friends with his own hand. he found some of the kids in the lab that were test experiments, the few who hadnt been killed yet. the few who’d had to watch potentially HUNDREDS of friends be dragged kicking and screaming to that operating table, and see every second of them being eviscerated into pieces. And ciel just sees himself in them, they’re all so catatonic that they cant even see him and all he can see is himself and he knows from personal experience that a kid can come back from that, but he knows how much of a monster he’s become and he thinks the kids would be happier if they could die as they are instead of losing themself so he just sets the whole building on fire and i end up crying for him even as he’s committing a horrible act! fucking moral ambiguity: the show

and god, even this episode’s goofy friendship fun parts were horrifying too! it starts off with the whole ‘ha ha ciel doesnt know this kid is Doll, cos she ~looks like a boy~ when she’s not in costume’ random stupidness but its still cute cos she’s being so kind to the newbie, and you can learn a lot about her character from it how she’s trying to be all smiley and goofy and giving him candy and saying how she’d never even tasted it before, and now he can stay here and be her lil brother and never get hit by anyone and never go hungry and she knows the goddamn price she has to pay for all this, and she wants to keep ciel innocent of it she doesnt know he’s already just as corrupted, and he’s really a spy sent to take them down and then just DEAR GOD THAT SCENE THAT IS NOT OKAY but it was absolutely fucking necessary I think, to keep the moral ambiguity and not make us just hate ciel forever she fuckin.. accidentally triggers a ptsd flashback in the poor kid he’s never been homeless before so he doesnt realise its a group bathroom, and then freaks out and tries to run. but she’s just teasing him as part of her cool big sis persona, and doesnt realise he has an actual reason to be scared. So they end up fighting and she accidentally reveals the scar on his back to everyone the fucking brand that was burned into him when he was kidnapped and enslaved and the episode just ends with our usually unflappable protagonist curled up in a ball under a towel, shaking and crying and his only comfort is the demonic butler he’s using to enact his revenge, and all he says is just ‘you’re better than this, you’re a badass’ ciel never really has any form of actual sympathy, does he? the only person who knows about what happened to him is this morally ambiguous monster minion guy. and the whole hook of the series is that we never really know if Sebastian actually gives a shit about ciel or any of the other humans, or if he’s just waiting for the poor kid to fuck up and leave an opportunity to devour his soul. I wanna believe that Sebastian does have some sort of fatherly affection for ciel, or at least they both care about each other in a sort of.. mutually evil way. But even if thats true, its not like sebastian is gonna really be any good to talk to in a time like this. he;s just gonna sass ciel for showing weakness. he just has this fuckin motivational speech of ‘yo ciel youre a fuckin evil bastard, remember? get up and continue your evil bastard ways’. and somehow it actually kinda works and actually kinda feels affectionate in context :P BUT STILL SERIOUSLY POOR CIEL he could have turned out a lot better than this if he had someone in his life who could actually give him a goddamn hug but I guess thats not really what he wanted, even though its what he needed instead he wished for the power to enact revenge on the one who killed his family and enslaved him and he set off on this long horrible path of becoming an evil bastard to track down this other evil bastard when he’s only fuckin ELEVEN and he’s happy to throw away his soul, and doesnt care if sebastian betrays him in the end and he burns in hell forever, as long as he can stop that evil bastard from doing the same thing to more children and this arc is so fucked up cos he failed so horribly to stop some OTHER evil bastard from doing the same thing to more children and he’s become so twisted and antiheroey and cynical that he missed his chances to redeem those poor other twisted kids, and maybe he could have done better in stopping the real villain if he had.. and the only fuckin thing we got out of this arc was that the bastard kidnapping these children was a copycat criminal of the one who did it to ciel, so we at least finally have one clue that might lead to a resolution someday but EVERYONE DIED and ciel’s even more fucking traumatized! and he’s jumped off the deep end and become full antihero evil bastard and all the character development he had during the arc has been negated and fuckin completely reversed cos of how it ended and he lost a bazillion friends and he was betraying them the entire time, and they died resenting him, or resenting him AND learning that he was right and they’d been working for the villain all along, and then he couldnt even save their other siblings cos they were long dead and just THIS FUCKING ARC IS SO FUCKED UP GAHHHHH

I guess sometimes you just wanna watch depressing cinema, yknow? I do hope that someday this series actually ends with at least a bittersweet ending, not an equally fatalistic one that means everything was all for nothing. i want the poor circus kids’s deaths to actually mean something...

Also, randomly and incidentally, I want the giant creepy pedo incesty shipping fandom to die in a fire. Before I even started watching it, Black Butler was famous as ‘that pedo anime’, everyone acted as if Sebastian x Ciel was canon and they kept teasing it in every episode or something. BUT NOPE. NONE. NICHT. NON. NAG YDW. Where the FUCK did they even get it from, seriously?? We don’t know if Sebastian is gonna betray ciel or not in the end, but im PRETTY FUCKING SURE that he doesn’t have a boner for a fucking ten year old! I know the idea of a demon servant is a common romance novel thing, but seriously wtf is wrong with you... I know I’m mad that this arc ended so horribly, but still I feel like the various moral ambiguity discussions are super interesting and I would have regretted if I’d never read any of this manga just because of some awful fanbase members.

ANYWAY IN SUMMARY bunni cry over episode