#you never know how easy it is to get gaslit until you've been there

[delsinsfire]

forgive and forget? wrong. charged two-handed heavy attack with my greatsword of resentment

[proendovents]

I've been thinking for a while, and something came up yesterday that brought it all back.

My response to an injury (I'm okay, it's something very minor).

Instead of openly going downstairs to the medical box and grabbing a plaster (band aid), I waited until my parents went out and snuck them like I'd be in trouble for taking them.

I don't tell people much about my health, I power throught because that's what I was subconsciously taught.

When I was little (twelve?) I told my mum how dizzy I got on standing and was told it was normal. But I tried to tell her it wasn't, and it felt worse than that. I have no proof of this but I did get diagnosed with pots a year ago, not sure if I had it back then too and it just got worse over time.

Also when I was little, I took chest pain to her, and was brushed off.

And the "I feel like I'm different from everyone, like I think differently" (autism)

And the "my thoughts always go so fast" (adhd)

And the "but WHY can't we reuse letters", the not being able to read out loud, the large handwriting (dislexia)

Or what about the whole host of things I likely don't remember because I was young and my memory is fading.

I could have had it easy, hell, I could get help now if I asked (liar), but there's no point in telling anyone that I'm suffering because in my formative years I was fucked over.

Nothing is easy and I'm currently bed bound with too much energy, yet I've landed on this topic again.

Again.

Again.

The cycle continues.

Actually, it's not just that, I swear I feel like I'm being gaslit, and that both my parents are shitty. My dad (whom I don't live with) was an abuser, my mum (as much as she denies it) neglected me.

She denies a lot of it. (Not dad's abuse, she saw that, but her own neglect.)

"I know that's how you feel but the dog needed more care! She was sick!" Okay, I was a child.

"But don't you remember all the good times?" Sure but humans are more likely to focus on negatives. You're a psychologist, you should know that.

Oh actually I'll just add this here too, she denied an eating disorder when I brought it to her the first time, and when I pressed she eventually named exactly what I told her I thought I had like she'd come up with it.

And she's like: "oh well I was the one who suggested pots." Thanks. Makes me feel a WHOLE lot less shitty. (sarcasm)

I have all these issues with her, I tell her, she "fixes" them, then she goes back. It repeats. Always. Forever.

"Why do I have to always accommodate you" because I didn't choose to be born neurodivergent in this neurotypical world.

"Why won't you meet me halfway?" I DO. HELL, I DO MORE. You just don't see what I put in because you've never known less from me.

"Why do you only focus on what I'm doing wrong?" Because I can't remember anything else, and these things make me uncomfortable, I just want to set boundaries!

"You're the one who pulled away from me!" Gee. I wonder why. Doesn't fix that I'm lonely and desperately needed your affection, yet never got it.

"I'd always put you first!" In theory. What about that time we planned something and you overwrote it for your boyfriend. What about anything with my health. What about the fucking dog.

"It's always about you!" I barely talk to you and we live in the same house.

The memory issues make it worse because I can't remember why she's wronged me, I just know she has.

(I usually write these in my notes app before sending them here and I swear there's an "I" I wanted to italicise but I have no idea where it went xD)

(also, long ask, hope that doesn't break the ask box (again) haha)

-🍂☘️ . @anonyleaf