#you have convinced yourself of a threat that doesn't exist that black people are trying to “steal” your culture and your land

[bassia-bassensis]

No cause why do Egyptians trying to "reconnect with ancient Egypt" seem so performative? It feels like they are wearing a Halloween costume.

[my-dear-void]

Something I now realise that comes with healing is the pain.

And I don't mean any internal pain - heartache and whatnot - I mean the pain you experience in your head.

I can only compare it to being chained up and trying and hopefully slowly succeeding to free yourself from the metal that keeps you so trapped.

20 years on earth have taught me to always be on guard. 20 years on earth have taught me to treat every shift in tone, every shift in behaviour, anything that can be perceived as negative to be nothing more than a threat; a warning that soon I will once more be left alone to fend for myself.

That soon I will be hated again - viewed as nothing more than an unwashable stain on a plain white shirt. A permanent and insufferably annoying fixture.

This weekend, I have tried to break from that cycle. Remind my brain that just because someone sounds different, does something differently, or makes you think they may be a threat, doesn't mean that is necessarily true.

The world is not black and white after all. There is no such things as pure good and pure evil. Everything co-exists. Sometimes in equal balance, and sometimes not. It just happens I have primarily been faced with unequal people in my 20 years on earth.

But I'm with an equal person now. I may even argue he too is actually unequal, but in a good triumphs the bad way.

This weekend I have fought back against my instincts. Told myself all is well when convinced it isn't. And I can see that it is healing me. Slowly, of course, as things go, but it's a step in the right direction.

But now I'm left with the aftermath.

My own brain doesn't trust me. On one side, there is me, arguing that all is as well as it should be. On the other is my lived experiences trying to convince me that I'm in the wrong.

Autistic people are known for pattern recognition. Traumatised individuals rely on pattern recognition to survive.

Trying to break that pattern recognition, being both, is a waking nightmare.

Though as pained as my mind is now as it tries to fight what it knows so well - I would do it again in a heartbeat, and so I will.

Because I don't want to live in these chains anymore. I want to be free. And if pain and a few tears is what gets me that freedom, then so be it.

Thank you for hearing me, Dear Void.

[hay-389]

When Hope Is Lost (Blindspot Fanfic)

A Blindspot story I’ve been working on, the rest is on Fanfic.net or Ao3. Link down below for the rest of the story.

CHAPTER ONE: Past Mistakes

If life were a person, Jane had only one question to ask; Why was it out to get her? No matter how hard she tried, no matter how many people she seemed to save, her overall actions and decisions came back to bite her in the ass. She lived in a never-ending circle of lies, and each one existed because of her. Even the ever so painful lie about being Taylor Shaw, that was her fault. The video Oscar showed her proved it. Her old self said, "you did this to yourself," the words were on constant replay in her mind. She's the one who decided to tattoo all her visible and nonvisible skin, hiding secrets within them, she's the one who drowned her entire body with ZIP, leaving no memories of even what her favorite color was, and she's the one who chose Kurt. The giant tattoo with his name on her back said it all. Jane felt betrayed by her past, maybe it was a good thing she couldn't remember. It was a fresh start. Not exactly anymore, but maybe someday it can be. Cause the fresh start she could've had was ruined the moment she accepted those damn missions. The ones that set Mayfair up for murder, and ultimately lead to her death. Jane wished she could say she saw it coming, and maybe in some small way, buried deep in her self conscience she did, but the truth was she was blindsided. She became caught up in wanting to know her past that she didn't see what her future could end up like. Jane was stupid to think that she could keep the team in the dark about Oscar. Her biggest mistake though was letting him threaten her team. She could have done more, should have. There was no way she was going to let her past choices negatively affect the only people who cared about her.

That's why she hunted him down. While she may have set up Mayfair's untimely death, Oscar pulled the trigger. Jane needed to give Mayfair and her team Justice. She would bring Oscar in, and tell them everything that happened. Like usual, life had other plans. Jane got distracted and Oscar tazed her. When she came to, she was tied down to a wooden chair, and Oscar threatened to wipe her memories once more. Everything after that was a bit foggy. Jane couldn't handle that thought, the pure idea of waking up afraid and not knowing anything about who she is again, it made her want to throw up. Jane remembered breaking out of the chair and fighting Oscar, but she doesn't remember when the fire started. Sure she could feel the hot flames feet away on her face and see the bright orange and yellow flashes dancing out of the corners of her eyes, but the bigger threat was Oscar. That's when a cry escaped his lips, confused she looked down. There had been a scythe hanging on the wall, the one Oscar had originally attacked her with, somehow she had impaled him with it. Jane didn't feel bad that she had killed him, maybe her past self would have because after all, they were engaged at one point. She must have seen the good in him at some point for her to want to marry him. If only he showed that side instead of the darker one that lead to his final moment.

After the barn incident, she headed to her safe house, which looking back is kind of ironic as it wasn't actually safe. That's where she found Kurt. The look on his face will forever be burned in her memory and hurt every time she thinks about it. He knew she wasn't Taylor. Then he arrested her. The words would always exist in a corner of her mind. "My father killed Taylor Shaw 25 years ago. Taylor Shaw is dead, now who the hell are you? Jane doe you're under arrest." The words stung in two ways. While Jane may not have known Taylor Shaw, she had a strange sadness that made her heart heavy. A poor girl who only had 5 years of life. The loving family and friends heartbroken by her abrupt disappearance. Then there was the actual arrest. Jane was no longer sad about it, but angry. If he had given her a chance to talk to him maybe she wouldn't be in this mess. She begged Kurt to listen, tried to set everything straight in the car, but once she realized he wouldn't have it she went silent. He booked her and put her in a holding cell, said he would be back tomorrow to interrogate her, but he never returned. Instead a guy Jane didn't recognize escorted her out of the FBI building and into a van. At that moment Jane knew what was happening and there was nothing she could do about it. That's why almost 3 months later she's sitting in a cement cell, waiting for the perfect moment to escape this hellish black cite.

It was sad to say that the only thing she had left anymore was her anger. It fueled her heart and brain not to give up, even when her body protested otherwise. She got used to the pain though, after a couple weeks of nonstop torture she zoned out, found a safe haven and tuned everything else out around her. It disconnected herself from reality, and if she had a choice she would stay disconnected. It's not like she has anything left to stick around for in the real world. The team hates her, Kurt hates her. Of course he does though, "you lied to him," she told herself. "If he actually cared then he wouldn't have handed you over to the CIA. The only reason he kept you around is because he thought you were Taylor."

"No, he had to or cared about me, even a little." She internally argued with herself. That's all she seemed to be doing these days, she was her own company. Jane came out of the shadows of the cell, sitting in front of Jane who was hugging her knees in the farthest corner of the room. Jane smiled, which she quickly stopped because of how much her dry and cracked lips hurt. This is what almost a day and a half of no water and food did to a person, made them hallucinate. The Jane that sat in front of her wasn't her but looked like old her. She had long hair and an evil glow in her eyes. "Then he wouldn't have handed you over. He only cares about Taylor, not you, not Jane. Now that he knows Taylor is dead, your not even a thought to him."

"He kissed me. Invited me to the park. He felt something." Jane replied, taking the bait. Her past self scoffed, "That kiss meant just as nothing as the park, he didn't bother to waste his time going, remember? He told you yourself."

"We never showed up, we can't know that he did or didn't go. Maybe he did." Jane tried to convince herself.

"But you'll never know, will you, because you chose me."A malicious smile spread across Jane's past self at that voice, and in return, she scowled. It seemed she couldn't get away from him in life or death. "Oscar," she said with as much venom in her voice as she could muster. "Kurt never loved you, he loved Taylor. You know that, so why are you fighting it? You knew it was part of the plan, you chose him."

"I'm not that person anymore."

"Of course your the same person, your memory is just stored away at the moment. It's allowing bits and pieces to slip through, but soon enough you'll remember everything, even the hatred you had for your so-called team. You'll regret it."

"I won't regret anything," Jane argued. "Yes, you will. You're going to remember the mission, and that you are the one who screwed it up. That's all you've been doing lately though huh, screwing things up. No wonder you have nobody in your life. You're pathetic. Poison. I'm glad we never got the chance to get married. I can see why Kurt gave you up to the CIA, I would have done the same thing."

"No...no he wouldn't."

"Yes, he would. They are happy to be rid of you."

"No...go. Get out of my head, leave me alone!"

The room went coldly silent. Jane glanced up, Oscar and her past self were nowhere in sight. That hadn't been the first time she's had that conversation with herself or hallucinated for that matter, but Oscar had never been in the conversation. It seems the less food and water she gets, the worse the hallucinations.

As almost on cue, one of the goons that assisted, Jake, as he liked to be called, opened her cell door, gently placing a piece of bread and bottle of water on the floor. "Make sure to drink the water slowly, or else you'll be sick," he told her, before locking her cell door again. Jane ignored the bread and went straight for the water. Although it hurt to put the bottle to her lips, the feeling of the water putting out the desert that resided in her mouth was like heaven. Never again would she take advantage of something so simple as water. Jane took the bread and slumped back into her corner, more picking at it then eating it. Tomorrow was important to Jane, and just thinking about what was to come made her stomach flip. "What if you don't succeed? You're not as tough as you were when they first brought you in?" It's something she asked herself a lot, but in the end she would have to try. Better to go out fighting than to not have tried at all. So, she scooted herself forward until she was in the center of the room. Jane unscrewed the drain pipe-that she had discovered was loose almost a week into her stay-and checked the rope dangling off the bottom to make sure it was steady and didn't need to to be woven anymore. Satisfied, she screwed it back in. Jane smiled, mostly for the freedom she was about to grant herself, but also because Keaton had no idea of the plan that was about to unfold right under his nose. He claimed to be such a great CIA agent, could detect everything. Of course Jane knew he was lying, or else he would have found out the information he needed from her already. He was definitely cocky, and Jane hated him for it. But she hated him in general, wanted to make him suffer as badly as he made her, but the look on his face tomorrow when he realizes she outsmarted him will be enough. For now though, Jane went back to her safe haven. She found it to be underneath a tree that sat a couple feet away from a cliff, which had the perfect view of a random town her brain had conceived. As she rested her head against the tree, she found it funny. This place felt like more, as if it were real, or somehow she had actually been here before. It was peaceful, it felt like home.