#you can't write bad if it's not actually written and its just bulletpoint rambles

[cozylittleartblog]

queencember day 23 (past)

it feels weird to post such lengthy non-art content on here but listen. listen. SOMEONE had to sort out the weird spade family history. and i. have decided. to give my opinions. because - you probably did not known this, it might be a surprise - i love them. and i have been thinking about this for three months. it’s funny I post this for queencember because admittedly queen is only in a solid half of this, it covers four characters and the relationships between them, but i don’t know under what other circumstances i��d post this and it’s definitely way too much to draw at once. i suppose it’s prone to change if i hear any Better Takes or if something interesting comes up in canon, the game isn’t done yet after all, but also this just. feels like stuff that isn’t going to get covered lmao

so here we go. four god damn pages of headcanons under the cut. a couple of them i did not come up with or have modified, and a couple of them i might have mentioned in tags or art before. there are also a couple light canon contradictions but this is what amuses me most in my head so A Few Sacrifices Must Be Made... these are just my own headcanons so if you disagree with anything that’s perfectly fine and valid 💙

The entire post-lightner abandonment section might as well be called “the fanfics went STRAIGHT to my head”

Obligatory set-up notes:

King starts as moderately less of an angry asshole, for the record. Still an angry asshole but not Nearly as bad as post-abandonment and post-knight king. He’s someone you wouldn’t mind working under... that much.

Queen is still queen of the cyber world. She is not originally from the card kingdom. 

Rouxls did tutorials before he did puzzles. The puzzle makers, after being fired, took up making tutorials. Why would that be a feasible option? Because the guy who made them took their jobs and the position is open. Checkmate. 

Pre-Lightner Abandonment

Queen is, in the light world, a library computer. Computers are mobile. Sometimes she’s loaned out to other locations. Relative to the dark world, this means her disappearing for weeks, maybe months at a time, on “Vacations/Business Trips/Jaunts/ETC”. (i don’t know if she has any advisors or anything but i like to think she lets swatch & the swatchlings run things on autopilot for her when this happens)

At some point she is loaned to the old classroom for an unspecified amount of time. (I can’t tell if this is funnier if it all happens over like, three weeks, or if this was a whole semester or even school year. Unspecified it is.) She acquaints herself with her fellow royals and, in-particular, befriends the King of Spades.

Now at first, they actually get along pretty well! Mutual admiration of power and status, the intrigue in the perspectives of royals from another kingdom, they both care about their subjects... Queen is funny and charismatic and endearingly dumb sometimes, also hot, and King is intimidating but out of the public eye he’s notably nice and even sweet in this reserved, affectionately awkward kind of way. A little rough around the edges, sure, but I’m sure he’s not secretly worse or anything! 🙃

They’re friends, eventually there’s some flirting. King likes her more than she likes him (and she does like him! just not as much,,,) but she knows she’s not staying here for long so might as well have some fun before she goes back home! Sure Let’s See Where This Goes

They’re dating, they’re married, making her officially a Queen of Spades, a child is spawned* - you know when a couple moves too fast so then they settle down and try to be serious and realize they don’t actually like the other person?? Yeah. She uh. Didn’t mean for it to get this far.

* I think darkner biology works differently?? I cannot elaborate but I don’t think Lancer exists by traditional means. He also might. I don’t know. LOUD shrug emoji. BUT, by whatever means he does exist, he is related to the both of them. 

They are both far too stubborn for this to work out. Queen is an eccentric nightmare to live with who can’t take things seriously. King is a lazy brute with a short temper. They mutually cannot handle each other for more than a couple hours every day, and now they live together.

Divorce time, babey! They do not like each other at this point but it’s Queen who serves the papers. Happens just in time for her loan to be up, and she’s returned to the library. She is not returning with a baby in tow. Enjoy the free spawn, King!

He needed a heir anyway this is fine

Lancer isn’t any older than a few months when this happens, maybe even younger, which is why he doesn’t remember her. King does not talk about her, ever. Actually I think so much as mentioning her is grounds for imprisonment, or private execution if it were in front of Lancer.

King is much too busy to parent a kid alone, and the servants are ill-equipped for this. You know what’s good at teaching people things and helping them?? Tutorials. They literally have a tutorial guy. That’s his whole thing! 

This is where Rouxls comes in, beyond being someone the King is only vaguely aware of. He dumps responsibility of Lancer onto him and he is less than thrilled about this, but he is a suck up to anyone above him and a huge coward. Telling the King “no” is a good way to end up in a cell on a good day, and the dude’s fresh off a divorce rn. So. Baby-sitting duty it is. It’s not like he’s needed for literally anything else, he is notorious for being next to useless. (“Oh being of use for a change, and to someone as important as the King himself and his own son… maybe this won't be so bad.”)

Whenever this all happens it was the final year the classroom was used, so it almost immediately leads into…

Post-Lightner Abandonment

King Is Fucking Pissed! 

He is trying to convince the other kings to take action, do something, blah blah No Talk Him Angy

Rouxls is raising Lancer. King checks on them when he has time, which is not often. He ends up befriending Rouxls by extension. 

Rouxls is still a pathetic suck up but he is a dumb and sweet pathetic suck up and oh no, that’s cute. His shenanigans are, to the King, a nice and even welcome change of pace from both the stress of running a kingdom, and dealing with the whole “aaa the lightners abandoned us” thing. and the whole “my wife left me” thing. ... ok dude’s got a lot going on. Also he’s… decent? With his son? I won't lie he is not winning any awards but he is Good Enough™ 

(I am sensing a pattern. The King likes dumb funny people.)

Bit of a slow burn here but his visitations increase and they’re boyfriends eventually. 

I saw Chapter 1 three years ago and immediately assumed King & Rouxls were like an actual couple and that just stuck in my head forever sorry 

rouxls needs attention and to be valued, has hopeless amounts of love to give, and is attracted to power. king has power, enjoys praise and affection, and is still capable of being just sweet enough to keep this dumb idiot wrapped around his finger. both of them are lonely. this works out somehow.

Literally all Lancer’s parents are bisexual I’m pretty sure it’s in the requirements when you sign up

It’s obvious who really raised Lancer. He doesn’t have a walk animation, likes making signs and writing, eats bugs, capitalizes Random Words for Emphasis, and just has some general similar flares for the dramatic that I feel he got from his ironically-titled Lesser Dad? He’s really silly too, unlike King but very much like Rouxls! (… and his mother! 🤔) There are some other things I can’t remember but like. It’s clear who at least tried to do the parenting here lmao. 

King does kinda care about his son? Enough to do the Bare Minimum but not as much as Rouxls comes to. He’s the one Lancer goes to when he’s hurt or having a rough time because he’s... so much nicer and more understanding than King. King is really hard on him and generally not that great of a parent. Hardly even hangs out with him and doesn’t really get that kids are… small? And weak? And still learning about the world? He’s got some… rough parenting practices. But I'm sure that’s fine, it's just tough love, right? Right, guys?

Rouxls is so stupidly soft for this child but he is not about to admit it or be public about it because he doesn’t need another thing for people to dangle over his head when he is already viewed as pathetic and useless. 

Post-Knight

King Has Fucking Lost It! 

I do not like the king but I think about Toby saying the fountain was affecting him and Making Him Worse, like, too often. He already wasn’t great. Now he’s double not great.

Rouxls promoted officially to Duke Of Puzzles for reasons even I am not sure about. Seriously IDK why anyone thought that was a good idea. 

So I’ve just decided to say it’s because They Are Boyfriends Your Honor and King wanted his funny little man to finally have a nice, high rank worth respecting. This is just about the last nice thing King does for either of his boys tbh.

(The “Rouxls is secretly super-powerful, being the rules card.” headcanon slots nicely in here as well if you look at it from the “I cannot have an easily influenced, borderline-god in easy access of anyone who wants to overthrow me or get in my way” angle.)

The “I Do Not (Publicly) Care About Lancer” shtick is cranked up to 11 as a result. And tbh he’s good at fooling people with it. 

[benry voice] rouxls likes mean people. So King being Extra Crazy And Malevolent? That’s fine. Attractive, even. Until he and Lancer are hardly spared from it. Kinda sucks now, actually. But, he’s not about to give up his nice new high rank, or piss off King and lose his head, or abandon Lancer to his shit father, etc etc. So he just. Deals with it. It’s fun when it’s not happening to either of them, at least.

Lancer and Rouxls have always been a comfort to each other. But especially right now 8′)

King has never viewed his son as more of a tool before. This six year old is just another thing to use to get what he wants. 

This six year old also doesn’t entirely understand what's happening or he might actually hate King more. He is too busy being Baby and seeking a glint of affection or approval from his dad to really care, though. 

Post-CH2

Rouxls broke up with king first chance he got lmfao Time For New Employment (And A New (Boy/Girl)friend/Partner?)

(you know what else i think about too much. it wasn’t enough for rouxls to be queen’s #1 peon. he was trying to get with her. and that feels like one more point for team “rouxls also likes dating his evil overlords” thank u very much) 

The more King slowly comes off his evil-fountain-high the less pleased he is about the above development. Oooof he misses his weird little man. Cry some more you evil little hamster man. Sulk in your stupid little cell. 

Queen is here again and more responsible. Lancer is hers now she’s not messing around this time. 

Re: The game dialogue about Queen arbitrarily deciding she was his mom - I would argue, in the right context, particularly this one, that the king is referencing how she'd left them originally. She arbitrarily picked up the title, that doesn't mean she didn't have a claim to it before. 

This Free Son Came With An Additional Free Dad?? Nice

Help The Free Dad Has A Crush On Me 

Nevermind It’s Fine He’s So Pathetic He Swings Back Around To Being Funny Lol (And He’s Weirdly Endearing And Nice To My Our Son) New Friend!!!!!!!!!

I will not elaborate on their relationship because I like playing (and will be playing) with conflicting takes at the same time (one-sided? requited but not officially acted upon/furthered? dating?), thus I don’t have any one solid headcanon here, but regardless, every take has the same ending - Queen does Not let it go anywhere official, because she’s not going to risk Something Happening and making the co-parenting situation Awkward. Can’t ruin a relationship you don’t have! Sorry rouxls lmao but it’s ok he gets over it

edit - hey. psst. future liz here from the future. ignore that last part i scratched out. she’s totally unironically kissing that idiot eventually, but i am not outright Deleting that part because that would be a legitimate hurtle in their relationship, should one develop. (i Do still stand by that there are multiple ways to read them and they’re all funny but My Favorite One Has Changed) i don’t think she’s ever had a serious relationship before. she is Fully aware of what a dick move it would be to waltz in, claim to be lancer’s mom girldad, just to get distracted and kiss his (other) dad, break his (other) dad’s heart, and then fuck back off. Again. She’s very dedicated to doing right by lancer, so... there might be A Minute There where she’s not really doing right by rouxls, whether or not he realizes that in his blind quest to get Any Scrap Of Attention At All. but it all sorts out eventually dw only happy endings for these fools as that is what they deserve. alright back to the rest of the post the way it was originally written -- 

She will still tease him in the meantime either way. It’s funny. Dude’s got it bad. ((edit again that part is still true haha the teasing quickly becomes. Self Indulgent. on her end. while she’s trying to figure out what to Do and pretending it Is still just teasing))

Lancer kinda misses his dad and hopes he gets better soon but for now he has two Other cool dads so it’s fine and wowie neither of them yell at him or make stupid rules or forget to feed him!!!

Lancer is only allowed to visit his dad with the other two dads present. 

Said other two dads are good at being civil but REALLY like spiting the King and semi-affectionately pissing him off. Mostly Queen. Rouxls is still a coward, even facing a dejected man behind bars, and also still has a small soft spot for him From The Old Times. (Also he doesn't want to burn that bridge completely) … That is not to say he doesn’t willingly participate in Queen’s spite, or that he doesn’t occasionally Go Off on King for his shitty behavior towards his son.

To be fair his motivations for Willingly Participating In Her Spite is like 98% just to be on the receiving end of her affections

He will participate in many flavors of shenanigans if it means any sort of interaction with her but ESPECIALLY romantic ones, even if she’s just doing it as a joke or to annoy someone else. Context doesn’t matter just Let It Happen Please 👉👈

Basically, Lancer has two cool dads now who love him very much and King is in jail. If he gets out he is Not invited to the Cooler Spade Family.

DROPS the MIC. THANK YOU. FOR COMING. TO MY TED TALK. there is actually MORE but this is, somehow, the short version! also there are some things i want to try exploring in art and i don’t want to just. show my whole hand or whatever.

i have. adhd <3 really really bad <3 and i have Latched Onto these idiots <3