#you can't see it here because she is by herself on an abstract background but she is 54 ft tall.

[pigswithwings]

ok i want to talk about the symbolism in here bc even though its one of my simpler pieces i put at least a little bit of thought in2 it !!

so the main focus is a math concept, it's a graph of an asymptotic function. the idea behind asymptotic lines is that they approach a specific number/value but will never reach it; ergo, they will be constantly moving towards something but it will infinitely be out of reach. so with this piece there is the theme of distance, both between the two halves of the function (red and blue lines) and between each half of the function and the asymptotes (not pictured). the graph background i've drawn relates to mirage's distance from everything in life as well as her struggle to find a purpose in life. she may approach finding hope (approaching the asymptote), but ultimately she is barred from reaching it due to her nihilism. similarly, she is distanced (separated, as the function is divided by the asymptote) from both her own desires and the things in her life such as school. the asymptotic function represents the (self-made) barrier between mirage and the rest of the world.

secondly the stationery & school supplies. i often think about how mirage is a schoolgirl and has to deal with the stresses of being in class, having homework, having to navigate a social life at school, and how draining it must be for a girl who's already so tired of everything. so i imagine that school must already be a huge struggle, and that's why she has to rationalize it as not mattering. nothing matters, so school doesn't matter, so it doesn't matter if she fails in all her classes. but analysis of mirage aside, i use the red pens in this image (seen in the top left, top right, and bottom left corners) to emphasize mirage's struggles in life. red pens are known for being used to mark mistakes, errors, and other things being done wrong on a student's work. so by having red pens be literally connected to mirage and physically surrounding her, i attempt to convey her lowered self-worth. mirage viewing all of human intelligence as a mistake implies that she also believes this about herself - *she* is a mistake. so the red pens are only fitting. also i like drawing pens and pencils because i am objectum 🫶

speaking of mirage herself, i'm pretty proud of the way i've drawn her here. she's got her tie undone, her sleeves rolled up, she's sitting in a not-exactly-ladylike position and i wanted to make her feel more casual or even more vulnerable. i haven't drawn her lens/eye/light source/whatever you call it half out of convenience and half because i wanted the artwork to continue feeling hazy and abstract and impersonal. i like the dichotomy between the small details of mirage's arm and the denial of giving her an "eye" or a "face". can't quite put it into words but that feels similar to how mirage attempts to be vulnerable with the player character but still feels incredibly distant.

not too much to say about the grouped-up objects in the fourth quadrant (lower right). did you know the paper is in morse code? i considered putting more code on her notebook and notecards as well, but i felt as though that would make the piece more cluttered and it would lose its dreamy air (the separation of colours helps with this a lot). i would've also marked up mirage's writing with red pen to emphasize her percieved "failure" in life but i realized that would make the morse code much harder to see. so thats it really 👍 i like talking about my own art & its very fun to think about mirage

asymptotic - infinite distance (part of an art trade with @b1ttersweet-dreams !!)

[rhiannonmackwood]

Delmar L'Eau (she/her) is a bratty mermaid trying to run for mayor, and she'll do whatever it takes to get the job.

Bonus: her nails

[tuiyla]

what are your thoughts on santana's repeated insistence that she's a cruel/heartless person? she says it in 4x14, she says it in 5x03, she says it in 5x13, and again in 5x18. for most of the series, she seems to have a really hard time believing that she isn't a bad person, even when people like kurt or mercedes try to reassure her. why do you think that is?

I think it's an unfortunate case of the self-inflicted vicious cycle that's really, really hard to break once she's in it. And she's all in by the time the show starts.

So, Santana's mean. Like, really, really mean at times. Even on her good days she's still snarky and way too comfortable casually insulting people. And we could talk about why that is in the first place because that behaviour is learned, not instinctive, but I think @amazonworrier's post covers it well and I should probably at least try to stay on topic lol. So the topic isn't why she's that way but why she can't seem to also recognize her own kind heart, which I'm just gonna take for granted in this post because we're gonna make like Brittany and Mercedes and Kurt and believe in her. Santana's not nice but she is kind. How come she herself is reluctant to accept that?

I wanted to start more so with her own insistence but the more I think about it the more it needs the background of this vicious cycle I mention. So now that we’re taking that she is mean but she is also kind for granted, I present to you the Lopez cycle aka Santana’s guide to bad decisions:

Graphic design is my passion.

Let’s start with her being mean because that’s also how we start the series. This doesn’t need much preamble, we all know what she can be like. Her actions, rightfully btw, result in others being wary of this mean and at times cruel side  she has. Sometimes they still give her the benefit of the doubt, most times they’re reluctant to accept her genuinely kind moments because it feels like a trap. Santana’s reaction shouldn’t be surprised-pikachu.jpeg because she can’t expect her behaviour to not have consequences but it sucks nonetheless. People can’t get better when no one gives them the space to grow (which, we’ll get to). So after the initial offense Santana gets sad by this, and then she gets angry as one does.

Only that anger is an external manifestation; first, she internalizes the low expectations she’s faced with. And this is the bit that’s most interesting for the purposes of this post. For the sake of going through the whole cycle, though, I’ll also note that once she does that, she does a sort of sunk cost fallacy thing and doubles down. Fine, as she’d say when it’s actually really not fine but she doesn’t know how to process these emotions and so here come the insults and general meanness once again because part of the whole process is her concluding that being open and vulnerable are not worth it if people won’t appreciate it. Also worth noting is tons of rejection making this worse, such as her initial confession of love to Brittany and being disowned by her Abuela right after she was outed.

To make this less abstract, we have the example of her first few episodes in NY and then the Pezberry feud in season 5. Santana goes all out when she moves in with Hummelberry and though her intentions are good, she crosses boundaries and doesn’t fully realize what it must be like from their perspective. Them kicking her out of the loft is possibly the best example of her getting sad and then offended and angry in the face of low expectations. Naya acts it really well, it’s all written on her face and then portrayed by the words that are meant to be nonchalant and “whatever” but clearly hide hurt.

And then the Pezberry feud, which, oof. Without derailing this even more before I answer the actual question at hand, this is the exact cycle we see. Rachel immediately assumes the worst of Santana after her audition and how justified or not that was is for another day but fact is, she does, and fact is, it hurts Santana more than she’d care to admit. After all they’ve been through in New York alone, like the aforementioned moving in and kicking out and moving back in, it hurts more than other examples. So Santana doubles down on everything to do with Funny Girl and Rachel, even after Rachel wants to bury the hatchet. At that point it’s part pride, part (still) genuine hurt that makes Santana continue to be a bitch until Brittany sets her straight.

Playing into others’ worst expectations of her sounds counterintuitive and it is, it really is, but it’s hardly a conscious decision. It’s more like a running away from the actual issues that Santana should face head on because, again, as part of the cycle she gets disillusioned with opening up because she fears further rejection and heartbreak too much. It’s significantly easier to be That Bitch and to say she “has no heart” and the like. Before I finally get to that part, I just want to note that this is a rather significant tendency she has in common with Puck, with whom it’s even more obvious since he all but spells it out in Bad Reputation as well as on other occasions:

God, I’m so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I’ve made. I try to be a good guy. I go to school and I say, “be cool, Puck, be nice.” But by second period, I’ve got a fire extinguisher in my hands and I’m spraying some dweeb with it and I don’t know how I got there.

Not a relevant parallel between the two for the purposes of this post but I think it’s interesting nonetheless and the post I’m writing on the topic might even get finished at some point this century.

This is the tension of the NY arc: Santana knows she’s been a bitch for all of high school and tries to do better but it’s hard when she doesn’t get the positive reinforcement and doesn’t even believe in herself. Her being insecure is alluded to a few times in the series, mostly by way of insults from Quinn and it’s largely considered in terms of her looks or career aspects, not in an interpersonal way. But I believe she is insecure, because she’s relied on that bitch persona for so long and fell back on anger and spite so often that she’s not sure how else to approach things.

A thousand words in and we’re getting close to an answer! So, if we put together the fair few times this cycle repeats and the pretty consistent reactions Santana gets from people even as time goes on and she tries more and more, I think it becomes easier to see why she’d say those things. I find it super interesting that all the example you mention are from Santana’s NY run. That whole NY era has two main arcs for her, imo: career/what to do in the future, and learning to break this very cycle by opening up to other people now that she’s freshly broken up with Brittany, the first person who was willing to climb past her walls. (Disappointing that neither arc reaches a true conclusion and are then dropped in season 6 but this is like the third potential side tangent so, another day.)

This one stings because she’s “been chosen” so it’s another example of her internalizing others’ view of her and doubling down on the bitchiness. We know she isn’t numb (even in this scene she looks like she feels sorry for Schue) but it’s easier to just say that than examine why others think that of her.

Her own insistence, the way I see it, is both a defense mechanism and a manifestation of that final doubling down step. She puts her walls up so as to keep herself from getting hurt (by rejection, by others not believing her) and it’s so easy to play into the bitch persona when everyone already thinks she is that. And again like I said at the beginning, it’s not like they don’t have reasons to think that but then she doesn’t help by playing into.

Part of her, just... doesn’t know how to be good. When she is, it seems to go wrong or not received well, like her misguided attempts to protect Hummelberry and then Rachel still assuming the worst even after all that. Personally, I do believe she wants to be and wants that good heart to show but she’d have to break the cycle somehow. And that can only happen when people do, despite maybe having reasons not to, believe in her and in her capacity for kindness. People can’t grow unless they’re given the space to. This is exactly what happens in The Back-Up Plan, my beloved, where Mercedes’ insistence is immediately followed by Santana doing something life-saving for Rachel. I don’t think she would have believed in herself enough to do that if not for her plot with Mercedes right before. For lack of any other conclusion to this aspect of her NY storyline, I just look at The Back-Up Plan and her convo with Rachel as the conclusion to this arc. She finally decides to use her bitch powers for good, now that she believes she can. And then we see an example of that in Old Dog, New Tricks. Bless Chris Colfer for giving Santana at least that and PR as a viable career option.

It takes her a while despite more and more people believing in her because it’s so deep-rooted and she really needs to be convinced that no, she shouldn’t give up so easily and should always at least try to do better and show her heart. Brittany has always believed in her and that was a comfort but in the NY arc Brittany is all but gone as a safety net and part of Santana’s story is that she needs to branch out. Britt has always believed in all she was capable of, which is imo what the proposal speech refers to, but Britt is just one person. Kurt gives her the benefit of the doubt throughout the NY eps, more so than Rachel and we’re shown the results of that. Most notably, Kurt does manage to convince Santana to read the list she prepared for Finn after If I Die Young because he gets her to see that kindness is good, actually. That she’d still say, “I have no heart” in 5x13 is entirely doubling down during the Pezberry feud because she’s hurting too much from the falling out. And 5x18 is her acknowledging that she messed up, during the feud and otherwise and Mercedes being the one to get through to her and say that no, mistakes don’t mean you should give up altogether. And after Santana saves her ass, hopefully Rachel now also sees that and will try not to enable Santana’s worst tendencies and the Lopez cycle.

The 5x13 one hurts extra but at the end of the day, all of these are Santana being too afraid to believe in herself and to give others the chance to hurt her in any way. It’s a tough cycle to break but, again despite the narratively satisfying conclusion, I’d like to believe she gets there. It’s tough and progress isn’t linear but she has all her besties and Brittany, all people who believe in her, and by the end of the series she even has the chance for Alma to be part of her life again. So really all that’s left is believing in herself.