#you can't absorb ANYTHING ELSE if you don't have enough calories

[ace-and-ranty]

I like Adam Ragusea's videos generally, but sometimes the food moralism is a bummer. "Our food is terrible! Way too calorie dense for our needs!"

Dude. C'mon.

[fatphobiabusters]

(Time sensitive if possible)

I guess I'm not really sure how to word this, but I'll take a stab.

I think about a year ago I sent in an ask about my dad and sister (who is 26) having gastric sleeve surgery and how I didn't think it was a good idea based on their ages and the side effects and the risks and how it's bad to mutilate a part of your body, but they were not to be swayed, and did it.

They've lost a lot a weight. A lot. And I guess I have mixed feelings (like, I'm happy that this made them happy but they can only eat 700 calories a day which is basically an*rexia to me, and I just think about how their lives will always be like this, with these restrictions, and the rates of complications and su*cide from this surgery, and how food is just no longer meant to be pleasurable). And I like food, and I couldn't imagine not being able to enjoy what I wanted, or how much I wanted. I couldn't begin to fathom giving up "bad" foods I like like ice cream or diet cola or Burger King (even though food should not have values ascribed to it. It's food. It's meant to be eaten, not evaluated for moral 'goodness').

But in any case, I work with my sister a couple days a month, and every conversation comes back to how much weight she lost and how good she looks and feels, and what she can/can't eat, and surgery stuff etc.. She sent me a message that she was gonna send to my mom and dad thanking them for their support and happy one year from surgery and asked me if it sounded ok.

I dunno what I was supposed to say to that, but I said it sounded fine and left it at that

But it's our Thanksgiving meal tomorrow, and I know every conversation is gonna come back to weight and surgery. And I've gained a bunch of weight over the last few years, and ever since their surgery, I've felt so huge and sad. My self esteem tanked because they look good and I don't. And I know it's just fatphobia talking, and I know I am doing well and I feel ok and I was becoming finally fine with how much I weigh and how I looked. And this kind of destroyed a lot of the progress I made towards accepting myself being bigger, and enjoying food, and doing exercise because I want to and it helps me move. I just see myself as stereotypes (large because I'm lazy, a pig, eat too much, etc)

Do you have any advice for how to combat this, and remind myself that what I weigh or how skinny I look isn't the be-all and end-all of life? I don't want to go back to disordered behaviors like going on an extremely restrictive diet or doing P90X until I throw up. I've read the studies, I've read the books, I've absorbed HAES, and why diets are BS, and all the literature and articles you've all given us (which I can't ever thank you enough for). But I still feel like the fat, lazy, stupid, and unlovable stereotype because of the way my sister/dad look and talk.

(And I guess I'm a little jealous that they were so supportive of her during this needless surgery, but when I told them I couldn't ever have children without having an invasive and expensive surgery, they didn't care, but that's a conversation for a therapist).

I'm sorry of any of this is poorly worded or offensive or I used the wrong terms for things. I tried hard to be neutral in my language but it's really killing me inside and I'm genuinely sad about it.

Thank you all so much for everything you do here, and happy holidays to you and all your family; found, made, chosen, or anything in between!

Mod squirrel:

Ugh I hate that part about they didn't care about your hypothetical surgery.

It's perfectly normal to be feeling this way. You can read all the literature and still shit like this will get under your skin. I'm struggling right now too, but it will pass. Let your thoughts come and go, it doesn't mean you are these thoughts. Wear clothes you always feel good in and know if nothing else the holidays will be over so some of the stress will be over.

At this point your sister is just so yikes. I don't even think about food as much as she does but because of my body I'm the """unhealthy"""" one. But this is the bullshit of the diet culture.

My best advice is to tell your sister to leave you out of future emails, diet talk and other such stuff while working together.

To survive any holiday with fatphobia I'd suggest derailing with hobby talk as much as possible. They only ever talk about food so reminding them that there's a whole world of interests and hobbies is healthy and...a little evil. Depending on how you look at it (so sorry sister dear couldn't find time to review your email, was too busy living a vibrant and happy life not revolving around your organ mutilation) books you've read, shows/movies anything but weight talk. All the things they've been ignoring in favor of food and weight talk.

If other mods have anything to add please do.

I wish you the best of luck!!!