#you can ask if you didn't understand lol

[blueberryarchive]

tw; rape, suicidal thoughts, self harm?

hi, goodnight everybody. i'm here again to tell you all, even though it's very obvious, that this blog is dead for good. for good. life has been really fucking disgusting these past few months, i tried to date people right after a big break-up, it always ends up hurting me more and it always ends with a bisexual fetish shit.

so you can see that sex has been a very complicated topic to talk about since i discovered that some of the memories i have of my ex are actually SA. it's overwhelming, it's disgusting but I can't stop thinking about it (hence the porn addiction i talked about before) and I can't write about it without wanting to puke and dispose of my skin.

that sinking in the chest arose again. my sexuality, my gender and my pockets are destroying my happiness and I've been thinking about pointy objects and death again. do not worry I'm trying to get better.

i can't like girls were i live, i can't be a man and a woman or none were i live and i can't be happy in my own house because i have no privacy. i have two jobs now and I just come home to sleep. writing feels like a chore, a heavy one. i hope you all can forgive me and understand this.

if you want to talk, i'm here, i'm still using the app and I'm always available if you need help, if you just want to rant, whatever. God knows i needed someone like that this year. im going to therapy even though it's making me more broke, I'm trying to move out, I'm trying to process the fact that I was raped by the person I love the most and I didn't even think about the possibility of being that until he broke up with me, I'm trying to quit porn all together. that's the short story.

text me, i'll answer; love you; thank you so much for reading the stuff i wrote and i'm sorry, not only because I failed you guys but because I really enjoyed writing.

i hope that, if, when this big wave settles, i can come back with more weird things to write about. take care.

-blue.