#yo @anon who messaged us about domestic violence

[thelonesomequeen]

Miss Potts, I think you're being far too nice to the anon who thinks rape victims should just stop being irrational. I mean, you're being VERY nice, which is usually a great thing, but I suspect that anon is being intentionally dense, and isn't misunderstanding as much as they are deliberately getting it wrong, in irder to pick a fight, or to hurt people. Being wilfully obtuse to mess with other people's heads can be fun, but there are some things you just don't crack jokes about.

Oh believe me, as a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence I wanted to rip into this person, but then, it is also my hope that I can maybe reach them or get them to understand what they're saying is grossly inaccurate if I can practice some sort of kindness. Responding in anger sometimes runs the risk of your message being lost in the rage. Maybe they are purposely being obtuse, but part of my healing is to still approach as if they aren't. And if I don't reach them, maybe I've reached another reader. I can say that I am plenty angry about this subject. I haven't thought about the violence inflicted upon my body so intensely as I have now, more than 15 years later. I've been reliving it and retraumatized over and over in the last year, and I can pinpoint the moment it started for me. It was a really awful exchange I'd had with an aunt who basically said that feminist women were to blame for women getting raped, and giving men the fuel to want to rape us. Now, I had suffered in silence about my rape for many many years, only confiding in close friends and my partners. But suddenly, there I was on the phone with my mom, crying, and telling her how much my aunt hurt my feelings because I was raped, too. Was she saying that it was my fault and I deserved it? That was something I didn't want to tell my mom. I didn't want everyone knowing this about me, but especially my mother. It wasn't because I wouldn't be supported. It's just that I'm her baby, and it would break her heart knowing someone hurt one of her babies like this. It's been a process for me opening up about it, and I've even talked about it with more people over this year than I have in the 15+ years since all of these things happened to me. It's a hard process for me to go through. I'm not a very emotional person. I'm not very open. I'm more of a "be a big girl and handle your own shit" kind of person. A lot of these stories that are being told online, in the media, in our inbox...they're so important. They're also hard to read for me. It wasn't until what happened with my aunt that reading these things started to affect me, because up until then, it was something I tried not to think about. Now, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't. And while I have spent my life surrounded by very wonderful men like my best friends, my roommates, and my brothers, that doesn't take away from the pain that other men have caused myself and others. The other day, one of my best friends and I had a heart to heart about this, and I had to reveal to him what happened to me which I never told him though one of the incidents happened when we were roomies. He said that with everything coming out in the media about abusers, it's so shocking and hard to understand. I told him that as a woman, it's not really shocking because a lot of this behavior is something that most of us encounter at some point. Not all of us have been assaulted, but possibly all of us have been sexually harassed in some way. This is how some men talk to women when no one's around. This is our reality, and it's not about reading characters or avoiding going out at night. There is no way to avoid it when it's a boss or co-worker or relative or whatever. When someone gets it in their head to treat you that way, they can do so in a way that you'll never see them coming, and suddenly you're left wondering what the hell just happened. When something like this happens, you may learn to read people a little better and see red flags, but you also know that not everyone has red flags. You can't know, and sometimes you feel like you can't trust your judgment anymore. That's why some survivors then close themselves off from people to avoid getting hurt again. It's not irrational at all. It's completely understandable. We aren't thinking that all men are horrible. We are thinking "Fuck! How can we tell which ones are and which ones aren't?" because it's not always clear. So hopefully, people who are quick to "NOT ALL MEN" survivors, and tell people they're being irrational can learn to understand that point. It's about listening and trying to come to an understanding, and my hope is that with a more calm response, that can happen. ☕️