#yes it's vday video related

[bie-lovers]

As We Grow

Title: As We Grow

Relationship: Dan/Phil

Word count: 1992

Summary: There is a small café a little down a side street from their old apartment. The older lady working there has always had a soft spot for the two young boys frequenting her café, and she has watched them go through ups and downs.

It’s Valentine’s Day and they haven’t been there since they moved.

a/n: Thank you to @phandomficfests for hosting this Valentine’s Day Fic Fest!

A very special thank you goes to my friend M who dedicated way too much of her time to beta this fic and to try to make my rambles make some kind of sense. I love you. A lot.

All remaining errors are definitely mine.

That said, Happy Valentine’s Day if you celebrate!

Excerpt: “Anything else, dear?” She asks.

“Can we get brunch, please?” Again a question. Out of the corner of her eye she sees brown curls bounce slightly as Dan laughs silently before abruptly wheezing and grumbling out an, “Ow, you fu— I mean,” his eyes growing wide when he looks at her and then narrowing again as he glares at Phil.

Phil just flashes his teeth in an innocent grin and says, “That’s all. Thank you.”

[Read on AO3]

The cool air carrying winter in its arms hits her as the door opens behind them, leaving goosebumps to trail down her arms. She almost doesn’t recognize them at first, they look so different, but then the taller one laughs at something the other one whispered, loudly and freely, a couple of customers turning their heads with frowning brows, and she can’t hold back the smile tugging on the corners of her lips.

They’ve been coming there for years. Sometimes together, hiding from view in a secluded booth in the back, talking as if the price of words could go up any minute, often times alone but always walking out of the door with two styrofoam cups of steaming coffee.

She hasn’t seen them in almost a year though, and the sight of them suddenly in her little café again feels strangely like dejá vu and then also nothing like that at all.

They’re different now. The taller one, Dan, curly-haired and happily carefree, the shorter one, Phil, confident and almost peaceful, as a halcyon day.

But it’s not just that, she thinks, as she watches them squeeze into a booth in the back, legs linked like it’s a secret and eyes locking like it’s a game of chicken, winner-take-all. She knows the games they play, though, has watched them play it for years, they’re expert levels now or maybe they just learned how to cheat. Happiness emanates between them in their smiles, scintillating through the interstices of their own little world.

It’s almost blinding, she thinks, smiles, and walks to their table. She has missed them.

She remembers the first time she saw them, young, so young compared to now. She remembers the two boys bursting into her café, hands held above their heads as makeshift umbrellas against the raging weather outside, water dripping from them, a cataract.

They’ve grown up so much and it’s only been almost a year since she last saw them, walking out of her café, bodies close together but not quite touching. They’re different now. It hits her again, it’s that apparent, shining like a diamond in a spotlight.

They both turn their heads to her as she stops at their table, notepad in hand. Two seconds, and then recognition glints in their smiles, and she’s suddenly overwhelmed because she really has missed these boys, her boys, and it’s been so long. She didn’t think she would get to see them again.

“Haven’t seen you boys in awhile,” she says, because she needs to push away this slow feeling of nostalgic longing.

“No, uh, we— we moved,” Dan says. They’re both sporting matching sheepish smiles.

“Oh.” She remembers years back when they told her with the same sheepish smiles that they had just moved here, she remembers the nervousness, the tension. “Well, what brings you back here now then?”

“A special occasion.” He’s not really talking to her anymore, his eyes having found home in the blue of the other boy’s eyes.

“Well, I’m glad to see your handsome faces around here again.”

“We both knew that we had to come see you here for this day, ma’am.” She feels overwhelmed when Phil directs his kind, blue eyes towards her.

Suddenly, she recalls a couple of years back, the memory startlingly clear in her elderly mind, when he had come in to her café alone one day, a hidden terror in those wide eyes and desperation wobbling on his lower lip.

She had immediately situated him in the booth in the back and made him a strong coffee with lots of sugar and put a little extra piece of chocolate on the saucer. He had looked exactly like one would define miserable, so she had decided that the other server could handle the tables for a bit and asked him if she may take a seat. He had looked surprised for a split second, but the tiredness had seemed to win out, and he had nodded, mumbling an almost silent, “Yes, of course, ma’am.”

First, she had just tried to talk to him, to pull him out of this dark place he seemed to have fallen into, those bright, bright eyes did not deserve such darkness. Then he had looked into her eyes, shyly, before stuttering, “It’s, ah, Dan, ma’am.” And she had been bewildered for all of one second before she had realized that ‘Dan’ was the boy he sometimes came in with. Of course it was, ‘Dan’ was his boy.

He hadn’t told her what had happened. She hadn’t asked. He had just swirled the coffee around with his spoon as he rushed out words, one after another. She had just listened, because she felt like he maybe just needed exactly that.

“I never meant for it to happen. I mean, he knows that, but I just… I feel so guilty? I feel exposed, and I know he does, too. And he keeps telling me, ‘it’s not your fault, Phil, you didn’t do anything’, and we pretend that everything is okay, normal, because it is— it should be, but it’s not. Everything is different now. I’m not sure I like it.” He had taken a deep breath, she knows he hadn’t ever meant to just babble about his personal life to essentially a stranger, so she had put her hand on his and squeezed, and he had blurted out, “We fight so much now. It hurts.”

Her heart had ached for him, for them, because she had seen how happy they had been around each other, she had seen the way they gravitated towards each other, magnets to metal.

Now, she just smiles fondly at him. “Oh, hush, you know there’s no need for such courtesies. What can I do for you boys?”

“He’ll have a matcha tea, and I’ll have a coffee, please?” His tone makes the order end in a question, and she nods dotingly, he always was too polite.

“Anything else, dear?” She asks.

“Can we get brunch, please?” Again a question. Out of the corner of her eye she sees brown curls bounce slightly as Dan laughs silently before abruptly wheezing and grumbling out an, “Ow, you fu— I mean,” his eyes growing wide when he looks at her and then narrowing again as he glares at Phil.

Phil just flashes his teeth in an innocent grin and says, “That’s all. Thank you.”

She smiles and winks at them, pretends she doesn’t hear Dan’s whispered “Fuck you, Phil, that hurt!” as she’s walking away, and she wonders if they realize the familiarity with which they navigate around each other, always moving as if the other is the North Pole and they’re a compass desperate for home.

She hadn’t seen either of them for a few weeks after Phil’s lone visit those years back. She had almost begun to fear that her words of encouragement had made things worse, that she shouldn’t have interfered, that Phil would have been better off figuring all of it out himself. But then, as she had been bussing tables a small twenty minutes before closing time one day, Dan had walked in.

When she places the brunch platters in front of them they each give her a genuine smile and an earnest, “Thank you!”, and they wait until she’s gone to the booth behind them before they begin to eat.

It feels almost surreal to have them in her café again, she keeps glancing back at them. Phil kicks Dan gently, and Dan says something, cheeks puffed with food, and then digs in again, eating with vigor, a starving man. Phil rolls his eyes but she sees warmth in the small smile on his lips.

She had noticed right away. As Dan had sat down at a table, his shoulders slumped and hair tousled, she had put the cloth back on the table deciding that she wouldn’t mind delaying closing up for a bit. She had brought him the last piece of blueberry pie they had, and watched him push it around on the plate for a few minutes, distressed and such sadness lingering in the air around him, almost palpable, and she had sat down opposite him, too.

It had hurt to hear his stinging words, because she had come to care for these two boys.

“I, uh…” He had paused, bit his swollen lip, then, “I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything is wrong, and every time I try to say something it comes out all wrong. We’ve tried to ignore it but they keep pushing, and it…” He had drawn in a sharp breath and closed his eyes. “He said he needed some time. What if I screwed it all up? I can’t— I need him.”

The single tear silently trickling down his cheek had seared itself permanently on her retinal, and she had taken his hand in hers just as she had with Phil’s. She had squeezed it and told him, “He’ll come back. I know he will. I might just be an old lady working in some café, but I know real love when I see it.”

She had been afraid it had been too much, because she had noticed how they would hold back. Dan had stared wide-eyed at her for a moment, she could see him vacillating, fear and something else gradually evaporating. Then he had looked down and taken a tentative bite of the pie.

It had been almost an hour later before she had locked up and turned to go home.

She remembers the relief she had felt washing over her as she had seen the two boys walk into her café almost a month later, still fidgety and still slightly awkward but together and with smiles in their eyes again.

It had been almost blinding, she thinks, smiles, and walks to their table. They’ve finished eating, empty platters reflecting the soft lighting in the café.

“You boys finished?” She asks.

“Yes, ma’am,” Phil says, and she tuts at his civility.

As she gathers their platters Dan clears his throat softly. She looks to him, and she notices his cheeks’ slight pink hue. “We, uh, we wanted to tell you something.” He hesitates, fiddles with the serviette, and Phil takes over, because that’s just how they work.

“Yeah, we wanted to thank you, ma’am. For, uh…” Phil smiles, and Dan finishes, “For everything.”

She doesn’t like to take too much credit, but she knows she helped them, somehow, back then. She knows there was something that ended up spiralling completely out of their control, something that meant something to them, privately, she doesn’t know what the ‘something’ is or was, but she knows that it hurt them. A lot. She also knows, looking at them putting on their coats now, that whatever had happened had made them grow closer. She knows, looking at the way they laugh, that all is good now.

And she feels something akin to pride bloom in her chest as she watches Dan deliberately poke Phil in the side, and Phil, without batting an eye, brushes his knuckles against Dan’s cheek, leaving a flustered Dan with a bright blush in their wake.

She glances at the pink heart balloons dancing from the ceiling, Happy Valentines Day printed on them in a font she supposes should be romantic, but really, all she sees is happiness playing in every loop of the white letters, dripping down on the boys, or maybe it came from them in the first place.

She smiles.

She smiles as she realizes that they’re still the two shy boys she saw running into her café years ago.

She smiles as they come up to the counter, telling her goodbye and she makes them promise to come visit again, soon.

Smiles still as she watches them walk out of the door, walking side by side, almost touching, and minds in their own slightly different world than the one around them.

[phandomheritage]

do you take posts about the video that shall not be named or is that topic still forbidden

yes in theory but depending on the contents i might not post it, like i’m happy to post vday vid related content but not something that exposes a lot of the contents of it you know? mostly just to avoid the discourse

[ambitionsource]

what are our favorite aaa couples doing this valentines day?

i actually discussed how each of them feel about V-Day once before so i have the necessary lore in my head to answer this hehe, so i’ll just give the general rundown!

as you can imagine, valentine’s day is one of dylan’s fave days of the year period end of the story. it might be his favorite holiday. not even bc he has a boyfriend who is the love of his life but more so because he just... is love in such a compact form and so he thrives on a day that’s just about appreciating All the people in your life and celebrating the concept of love. like he FLOURISHED in elementary school giving out valentines to all his classmates in their little desk mailboxes and i think he carries that instinct with him even now. he makes all his friends handmade small cards and a little baked goods care package (so all the techies get one, riley gets one, his brother and dad get one), he Always does a vlog video to post on valentines thats like about love or related to preparing for the holiday etc etc. he just... loves it. its his day.

(he’s also the only person who can get lucas to acknowledge the day. lucas is like fuck vday its fake i dont know what that is and then dylan swoops in with his valentine and is like here lucas!!! i love you happy valentines day!!!!!!! and lucas is like........ okay fine i will accept this but thats IT otherwise its fake *takes bite of cookie*)

as for asher and dylan specifically, i feel like valentines day isn’t necessarily... here’s the thing like they’re appreciative and kind and thoughtful towards each other all the time so in that respect vday is just another day lol but i feel like they do make an effort to mark it in some way, but lowkey ways? like they definitely always go on a date of some kind, not super fancy but they make a point of doing it on that day, and i also think they exchange small gifts that are particular to their relationship on that day. like for example one time i saw this post talking about how a gf made her bf a scrapbook of all the things he had baked for her and like wrote little notes about what she thought about them + something she loved about their relationship on each page with each baked good and thats the kind of thing asher would give dylan one valentines day. you know what i mean? that’s the kind of thing they do

on the flip side, riley and lucas don’t celebrate valentines day. they’re of the thinking that having a day specifically to acknowledge your partner is kind of stupid since you should be doing that every day, and both of them are very lowkey people in terms of stuff like that i don’t think they like... want or need to do anything. and as we know they both have such weird relationships with romance in general bc of watching their parents implode in different ways, so i think they both are somewhat averse to traditional “love” things? i mean lucas is the dude who doesnt even want people to acknowledge his birthday, holidays just are not his thing. time is fake. but i think if they do acknowledge it at all its just in something really small and simple, like a quick “happy valentines day” after a kiss before they part ways for the day. maybe lucas gets her her favorite pastry again, maybe she makes him lunch. you know? nothing intense

for zc, i think charlie has a really complicated relationship with the day because of how he was raised. like on the one hand, vday should be charlie’s day, because i think charlie is the most hopeless romantic of the front nine. but i think they talked about it in such a different context at catholic school where its like yes this is about christian love (which is nice!) but this love can only be valid and christian in the context of one man and one woman and after a certain time / commitment etc etc (i read a couple of websites to see what the general catholic perspective on it is lmao) so i think charlie is just... all turned upside down and around internally about what its actually supposed to mean / where he fits in that and it just. is a mess. so pre-zay i think he just spent the whole day avoiding girls who were praying he’d give them a valentine and then went to bed all torn up and then laid in the wistful meadow in his head until he fell asleep LMAO but. as for how they approach it as a duo, i think they’re somewhere between rl and da... some years its like lets do something, lets go out, and other years its just not the vibe and they choose to just brush it off and be lowkey. but i think even tho he knows charlie is so conflicted about it, zay will find SOME way to appreciate charlie on that day in the sense that he knows he’s such a romantic and deserves a day like that so he’ll... order in their favorite meal, or theyll go on a picnic (like their first date) or something like that. you know what i mean? like zay personally doesnt care that much bc he’s less of a romantic intrinsically but he tries to read the mood of how charlie feels that year and then match it

farkle and isa...... who the fuck knows with them honestly LMAO i dont think either of them even know how they feel about it. they don’t know how they feel about anything when it comes to romance... messes. i think jade and nigel are similar to rl, for them neither of them are especially romantics so they’re chill just saying hvd and exchanging a little card or gift or something and letting that be that. jack and eric are both long past the days of making vday a big deal, but i could see them leaving small / somewhat silly or sarcastic notes for each other that matches their humor

as for on THIS valentines day? in 2021? today? rl is probably hanging out at the hideaway in riley’s car sharing the baked goods dylan made them but not acknowledging it’s vday; dylan and asher are probably getting ready to have dinner together that dylan is making after chilling together all day; and zay and charlie are pretending its a normal sunday and no such holiday exists.

-- Maggie

[eldritchsurveys]

660.

Can you name a uniquely named crayon in the Crayola 64 pack? >> First of all, can I just say how fuckin sick it was as a kid to get the biggest box of crayons possible?? I would never settle for less than the 64-pack. There was a 96-pack too, if I recall correctly, and that shit blew my mind. Anyway, Robyn mentioned “macaroni and cheese” and I’m going to repeat it because by this point in my life I can’t remember any of the crayon names anymore aside from like “white” or whatever, lol. (Except “cerulean” because when I was young I was fascinated by that word. But it’s definitely not a unique crayon name.) What kind of car did your parents have while you were growing up? >> My father drove a 1977 Chevy Silverado and a 1974 Buick Electra. The reason I remember this is because he talked about his vehicles constantly. Do you tie your socks together or roll them up? >> Tie...??? I just let them be loose in the drawer. When’s the last time you had peanut butter? >> I had a peanut butter sandwich sometime in the last week. What was your last bad date? >> ---

Do you ever wish your birthday was on a different day? >> Yeah, because sometimes my birthday is on Memorial Day and I hate sharing (especially with a depressing holiday like that). But on the flip side, my birthday is also during or at least very close to the weekend when everything opens up for Summer, which I appreciate. What holiday would you want to have your birthday on? >> Like I said, I hate sharing. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? >> No.

If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? >> --- Do you sunburn easily? >> I don’t sunburn. I can’t even imagine how much direct sun exposure I’d have to weather in order to start feeling burned. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? >> --- When’s the last time you had a smore? >> I don’t eat s’mores. I will toast marshmallows and just eat those, though. The last time I did that was at the Light It Up Downtown event where they light the giant Christmas tree downtown and have a bunch of activities and performances. Have you read the Twilight series? >> No, just the first book. Does your best friend have any phobias? >> --- What’s the last thing you said to your mom? >> --- Why couldn’t you go to sleep the last time you were up all night? >> I have never been up all night simply from insomnia. What breed of dog do you find the most annoying? >> --- Do you prefer the taste of lemon or limes? >> I like both. What do you think about Sarah Palin running for president in 2012? >> --- What would you name your firstborn son? >> --- Do you cook anything you don’t like eating? >> No. What’s the last picture you colored? >> --- Do you make out sentences out of the little Vday candy hearts? >> No. What is the cheesiest way a guy could propose marriage? >> I don’t know, man.

Do you watch any reality shows on MTV or VH1? >> I’ve watched True Life on MTV, and Catfish. Would you have a better chance of surviving in the Sahara or Alaska? >> I have no idea. I think that would depend on what resources I’d have at my disposal, too... When’s the last time you pet a cat? >> Probably yesterday. Were you missing your front teeth as a child? >> Er, at some point, probably? Do you remember Eureka’s Castle on Nick JR? >> No. What’s the last song you hummed to cuz you didn’t know the lyrics? >> Probably something by Zeal & Ardor, because I listened to a few of their songs this morning. What would you say is Paris Hilton’s occupation? >> I’m not sure. I’ve never thought about it. If you could have a body like any celebrity’s, who would it be? >> --- If you could have any celebrity’s baby, who would it be? >> What. Fuck that. Do you know anyone whose name starts with Sh? >> Yeah, I know a Sherry. What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever received? >> --- Are you wearing a necklace? >> Not right now. Do you have any noticeable moles or birthmarks? >> Yeah, but not noticeable to other people, because they’re in places I usually have covered by clothing. Is there a salon you religously go to for beauty care? >> No. Count to ten in another language. >> I don’t want to. Do you feel uncomfortable telling friends they have boogers in their nose? >> I guess I would. This isn’t a situation I’m usually in, though. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? >> I don’t really remember sex ed class. I vaguely recall having that experience in elementary where boychildren and girlchildren are split up and shown different videos, and I vaguely remember having a Health class in high school where sex-related stuff was taught (but I slept through most of that because I slept through a lot of classes in high school). But that’s all. Most of what I actually learned was self-taught.

What’s the first instrument you ever played? >> Uh... guitar, I think. But I never played it long enough to gain any skill. Are you a mommy’s child or daddy’s child? >> I am the Son of None, thanks. What’s the last thing you wore around your neck? >> Probably my earphones. Would you ever eat rhino meat? >> Sure, I’d try it, if I was in an area where rhino meat is a thing people eat. I wouldn’t want it if some American (because it’d probably be an American) waltzed into a country and killed a rhino just so other Americans could eat the meat as a “novelty” or whatever. Who do you think deserves an award? >> Me. I deserve awards for not killing myself. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? >> No. Do you own any books with a red cover? >> Probably. At least partly red (my copy of The Fountainhead is red and white, for example).

[dwightkschrute]

So this is the third year I’m doing this round up of the year in pictures and a small little thing on each month (doubt anyone’s interested, especially since it’s the past, but just for the heck of it: 2014, 2015) and not only is it fun of course but it’s interesting to see each month recapped.

I spent January sick, but with all kinds of different things, all unrelated. Maybe I should’ve taken that as an omen for what was to come in 2016. I started with like a cold, then the next week I had a minor kidney infection, and the next I had a broken molar that was giving me more pain than the other two things combined. The amount my boyfriend, Ariel, and I baked, watched tv and just laid around, him taking care of me was a whole lot January. (First picture of 2017. Just me and my stylish boyfriend.)

When I think of February I think of coffee shops because that’s where my friends and I spent most of our days, studying, gossiping, and me barely drinking coffee. Oh, and the dentist, which I also spent a lot of days at because I had oral surgery on that molar. Valentine’s Day was amazing, though I felt it was something out of a cheesy movie, with Ariel showing up at my house to pick me up for the day and me going to his because of a miscommunication, running down Hollywood Blvd, me in super high heels and a bodysuit yet managing well, to get there on time for our reservations, and getting a private screening and talk on joining Scientology. (One of the VDay gifts I gave Ariel was a framed picture of us. I also painted something and coincidentally used a newspaper (journalism student so I had a ton always) to protect my desk and it was (one that I am so glad I didn’t get dirty!) the one where the cover story was about the school club where he and I met and there’s a picture of us inside! I like the pic for the coincidence alone.)

The first half of March was so, sooo good. My professor recommended me to be a producer for a news station in Tuscon, AZ; all I had to do was say yes. I met Ariel’s family and they loved me, which I was beyond excited about. Ariel and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary and we were so in love and happy. Everything was absolutely perfect; I couldn’t be happier. Then my grandma, my favorite person in the entire world, died very suddenly. She was healthy, in her early 70s, I had talked to her a week before - which at that time something inside of me told me, who’s not one to express emotions, to tell her how much I loved her and meant to me - but all of a sudden she was gone. It’s been 9 months and I’m still in the “denial” phase because I cannot fathom that she is gone. That will always stand out to me as an example of life going so perfectly and then something unexpected and terrible happening and everything changes. (For the record I said no to the job because there was no way in hell I’d leave my mom, who I’m very close with, after this. Also, I was not ready to move and be so far from Ariel, who still has a year of college left. Bad timing.) (I don’t have many “happy” pictures but I have our dinner from a burrito place for our ~6 mo. anniversary~ where we also went when we first met.)

April was pretty boring. It was a whole lot of holding down the house while my parents were in Mexico dealing with my grandma’s death, other family and my bf’s babying my brother and I, and going to school. Ariel and I did spend a weekend in a Newport villa with my friends so that was a nice escape. (I visited my bf at work and bought this succulent.)

In May I graduated college! I graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelor’s in Communications and a minor in Chicano Studies and gosh that’s so cool to say! Nothing else matters about this month! All it was was preparing for it and then grad parties and enjoying the presents! (My in-laws got me first row seats to an Angel game :O :D) (Sitting at my graduation ceremony with my diploma.)

June was like a stereotypical Movie California summer. Ariel’s best friend lives in a beach house facing the Seal Beach pier so we were there aaalmost every day. We lived at the beach, I learned to surf!, I went to a rooftop party in LA (LOL) with a friend, I saw a whole lot of movies, we went to LA a lot, I went to my first rap concert! This was a really good month.

July was filled with most of those summer things mentioned above but some took a back seat because Pokemon Go came out and it consumed mine and all of my friends’ lives. My bf, our buds, my brother, his buds, and I all went out literally every single day and night to hunt pokemon. It was a dream come true. 

In August I started working as a production assistant at Disneyland. I was on set for the filming of things set on location like commercials, promotional shots, videos shown inside the park, etc. My bf and I practically lived at our friend’s house in Seal Beach. This summer was one of the best and I know it’ll be hard to top. 

September brought our first anniversary and my bf’s birthday, all within a few days, so that was a very happy and exciting couple of days. I’ll put in October and November in here as well because not much happened. In the beginning of the year I introduced Ariel’s best friend to my brother and his friends so we became one big happy friend group so we did everything together. We did a whole lot of Pokemon Go playing and hung out in the Seal Beach beach house as often as we could. My bf and I were together all the time going to LA, museums, the beach, breweries, Universal Studios (annual passes!). (Sept: We forgot to take a picture the entire day of our anniversary so, right before we changed out of our clothes, we asked my brother for a picture. Makeup gone, hair and clothes messy, but I like it because of that. Oct and Nov, obvious but I’m already here so, Ariel in a ghost costume and my dog, Coco, joining us for Thanksgiving dinner.)

December is always especially exciting because I love Christmas but because my birthday is four days before! It’s an extra happy time! My bf and I did everything Christmas / Winter related under the sun. On my birthday I was spoiled by both my parents and bf. Christmas, the same! I’m seriously trying to restrict myself from going off and sounding so cheesy but ugh, I can’t even begin to say how ridiculously lucky and loved I am.  (Out of all of the pictures I really like the one of my and bf wearing our Very Us gifts that we gave each other. Though we’ve been together for a little over a year, I feel like that’s proof we really know each other super well.)

2016 was such an amazing year but I really look forward to 2017! That’s when everything will be set in motion and I am looking forward to it!

[whatshouldwecallmillenniald-blog]

Deep Analysis 3: Reflections on Threesomes and Serial Fuckbois

Lots of topics, lots to unpack here. Let’s start from the top:

Threesomes: So last weekend, I went out to a bar with a girl friend who I knew from previous conversations was bi. We had a lot to drink, her boyfriend joined us along with some of our other friends, and the three of us (me, her, and her bf) ended up going back to her place to have sex. In the end, I don’t remember most of it and it turned into an emotionally messy night, but the overall experience was not unpleasant. In fact, it was enjoyable enough that when my next hookup (see: Serial Fuckboi section) asked if I wanted to do one with him, I agreed. He asked me to put on my Tinder account that I was looking for another girl to join us, and to be completely honest I had NO idea what I was doing. I know how to be a hoe to get guys for a night, I sort of know how to be a wholesome looking fun girl to get guys for dates and long-term things, but I have no idea how to attract/message/talk to girls looking for other girls. When I showed him my profile, he immediately changed my bio, picture, and re-messaged my (meager) matches, essentially doing my job for me. And his version worked WAY better—the girls responded, I got more matches, and overall we were a more attractive couple. Doesn’t this mean he should be the one handling the matches? I suck at starting conversations with girls because I just treat them as friends. If I say to a girl in real life, “Hi! You’re beautiful,” it’s much friendlier and likely to start a conversation than if I randomly messaged “what’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a scale of 1-10.” Yes, Tinder is not real life, and I’ve learned my lesson about being more exaggerated and playful on apps, but this shit is seriously tiring and I’m honestly pretty terrible at it. Also, based on my last threesome, I’m definitely not bi, but another girl being there would be fun? I think? Maybe a foursome would make more sense just in terms of an even number of people, but I don’t even know what to expect anymore. Updates to come if this other guy and I ever find a girl who wants to have sex with us (for God knows what reason, tbh).

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Serial Fuckboi: Okay, I know this is going to be hypocritical and self-contradictory, but I am just going to relay the events and my thoughts and interpret as you may. Basically, I am hooking up with a guy (See: Case 8) who keeps a “full plate of girls” (direct quote from him) to hang out with/have sex with (not always the same thing) and has no problem telling all of them that he is seeing other girls, has no problem with introducing them to his friends, and has no problem hanging out with them without having sex (read: what happened to me last night when we hung out). When him and I hang out, we usually talk about stuff related to relationships/sex/our lives in general, but nothing too deep. It’s not terrible conversation, but also not necessarily engaging, and I always feel like I’m reaching or asking him questions that he’s just answering to be polite. Am I just used to a more elevated level of enthusiasm in conversation? Why doesn’t he want to ask questions like I do, why don’t we cuddle while we talk if I’m there as a sexual interest, and why (this is the real point that’s bothering me) does he take other girls on actual dates outside of his bedroom and say he likes them when he doesn’t do that with me? Are we just not on that level yet, or am I a lower-tier option for him (also his terminology, not mine)? Am I going to be like that girl he’s seen over 30 times yet will never think of her as “tier 1”? What’s the differentiating factor between me and the girl he took out to a bar on Valentine’s Day? And why did he text me on VDay if he didn’t even want to hang out? 

He is the ULTIMATE serial fuckboi who knows exactly how this game is played and how to play it to maximize long-term gains. I’m just the stupid naïve 21 year old who for some unfathomable reason feels jealous that he’s hanging out with other girls, even though I know that’s the nature of our relationship. Is it really jealousy though? Is it actually related to him, or is it more about my sense of self-worth?

If I’m being completely honest, like COMPLETELY saying this to a void: I couldn’t care less if he was seeing other girls, fucking someone else every day of the week, whatever—as long as he was equally or more attentive to me, basically telling me that I’m just as good or better than the other girls in his eyes as a friend/partner/whatever. This is 100% an issue of self-confidence, and it’s obviously a recurring problem in my life. It’s the reason I want to hook up with strangers when I’m drunk—because some attention is better than no attention. It’s the reason I’m loud and funny and outgoing when I think I’m well liked, and the exact opposite if I feel I’m disliked or seen as not as good/funny/pretty as another girl. This only happens with direct comparison with girls—if another guy is seen as “better”, this does not happen. Why am I like this? More importantly, how can I overcome this? It may come from working out and losing weight, making myself more physically attractive. I do think I’m fairly intelligent and funny, and it’s really just from a purely physical standpoint that I lack the confidence. Well, maybe it’s a little bit of my personality too—I’ve had enough people think I’m annoying/boring to take a hit to my self-esteem. 

Potential solution (that I actually may have learned from the serial fuckboi): become hot, prove to myself that I actually can have confidence and am worth the time and consideration of men I find also worth my time, and begin repairing my broken sense of self.

Conclusion/tl;dr: my relationship/sex life/boy problems are not really about the boy—it’s about my inherent self-esteem and sense of self-worth, which at least in my mind can be fixed or at least bolstered by looking hot and being funny/cool? The quote about “Cool Girls” from Gone Girl hits hard, and maybe this is something I need to keep in mind when dealing with my perception of myself and guys who want a different perception of myself:

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirt jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually thing this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men—friends, coworkers, strangers—giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much—no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version—maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)