#yes i do want to die and i'm sick and tired of everyone and everything

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[libraryraccoon]

If I was isekaid in Twisted Wonderland

I would be the worst person that Twisted Wonderland have ever seen.

I will laugh every 5 minutes, even when it's not funny. Ace crushed by a cauldron ? Yes. Grim trying to burn/threaten me ? Yeah. Riddle saying out of nowhere that he wishes he had eaten pie/played with Trey and Chenya when they were little ? Hear my laugh. Ace punching Riddle ? Yeah, I'll laugh.

I didn't lie when I say I was a hyena. I will be Ruggie Secret Love Brother/j

100% I will try to negotiate with Crowley to be a therapist or a student, all but NOT a concierge.

"Are you sure you're not going to let me in as a student ? You know, people would probably talk about how kind and generous you are if you did this. It would go viral on the Internet and a lot of people would like to come."

Yeah, I would definetly say something like that. No way I'm a concierge when I can't clean my room.

I'm not going to survive at the Overblots, it's said. I'm bad at sports, I never manage to dodge. I die at Riddle Overblot.

And if I don't die at the Overblots, I call Social Services/Child Protection at Twisted Wonderland after Azul's Overblot. Do you see book 6 when Crowley is in court ? Yeah, that's him after I called child protection. No way I let him be a headmage after that.

I will try to join the RSA if it doesn't work. Cause I CAN'T survive at Idia's overblot with the little minigames and Malleus' overblot.

“I will give you a gift, child of man.” Nah, leave me alone, I want to live. Let me live another day.

I will also say things like "Crowley, you have a [.....] kink" when he will try to give me job to do before running away. And I will do thing like that with all character that try to make me make their jobs/make me a therapist. I will doxx them all.

Idia will probably ask me how I know all of that about them. And I will just be here like "The less you know, better it is, and more legal it's/it is. :)"

I will probably try to be a background character.

At the Masquarade event, I will be the one who goes to the tower. It will be faster because as Yuu, I won't have any magic so the flowers will just stay flowers for me.

Knowing me, when the time of go back down the tower will come, I will be so tired of having to climb everything that I will go down by jumping from the tower with an umbrella at the Mary Poppins style.

Jamil will try to keep Kalim away from me because he won't want me to corrupt him.

I WILL slap Ace after what he say to Deuce in book 5.

I'm going to avoid Vil like if he was a mortal sickness. I will NEVER allowed him to puts makeup on me, for my mental well-being.

I will try to take a shower in another dorm than Ramshakle. No way I shower without hot water.

If I can't, I will make a contract with Azul. I don't care if he want Ramshakle, just let me take shower with hot water.

If Crowley don't give me money for improve Ramshackle, I will steal or make a deal with Azul.

Azul will see me every days.

I will be friend with Idia on games. Even if I hate the games.

I will probably make illegal things.

Like, you know the guys who tell you informations for money ? Yeah. That's me.

Oh and I will probably slap Crowley or do an Overblot if I can. Cause I can't stay mentally sane with the 30 trauma I will win with the 7 books.

Ruggie 🤝 me = stealing Leona and other people.

I will touch Jack tail. It's so soft, I just know it.

And I will adopt Ortho and Grim. I call dibs.

So, in short, I would be hated by everyone and I would doxx everyone for money.

Me every time I go to Octavinelle for a shower after making a contract with Azul <33

[bluejay757]

TW: mentions of self harm

Lies. Simon out right said he didn't want to be Ice King and that he would have rather died. "But what about what Ice King wanted?"

They're the same fucking person. Ice King is not a separate consciousness or personality, he just doesn't remember being Simon.

Betty was not wrong or selfish she fucking sacrificed herself because of how much she loved Simon. She deserves the world. Simon is not depressed because he lost his ice powers he's depressed because the love of his life is fused with an all powerful demon and he's never gonna see her again, not even in the after life, had she made it out he would have been happy. Would they still feel out of place in the futuristic and magic world? Yes. But atleast they wouldn't be going through it alone.

Simon's predicament was a metaphor for two things. Addiction and dementia. Are you saying you think addicts don't deserve help when they literally beg for it? "You can't force an addict into rehab" you're right you can't, but he wasn't forced he wanted help. Do you think if an addict seeks help they deserve to be told, "no you should just accept who you are now" and be forced to live in their condition for eternity? Wtf. And dementia obviously isn't curable, but if it were everyone with dementia or alzhiemers would want it cured and deserve it. Because no one wants to live like that.

Simon wanted to be himself again he just wanted his wife there with him, he wouldn't have rather stayed the Ice King the only thing he misses is the blissful ignorance that came with it. It's like when you're depressed and you purposefully make yourself numb because numbness is better than sadness, until even that stops working so you turn to SH because you think it's better to feel pain than nothing at all. It is unhealthy and a harm to yourself, Simon doesn't need to go through that again.

"Ice King deserved to be accepted!" He literally was. Everyone had accepted him except for betty, but oh wait she was about to accept him until patience fucked her up and gave her a false sense of hope, it's not her fault Magic Man made her insane. Not to mention everyone else had waaaaay more time to come to terms with Ice King. It took Finn his whole life, and he didn't even know him as Simon, PB took hundreds of years to be on good terms with him, and Marceline, the only other person who knew Simon as his true self took nearly 1,000 years to come to terms with and accept Simon as Ice King. So what makes you think his Fiance, who had gone crazy through no fault of her own, would be able to accept everything that happened just like that? I mean did you ever stop and think how quickly that all happened for her? One morning she's having breakfast with her fiance in like 1999 and then that night she's in the year 3000 fighting a demon to save that same man? She had literal minutes to process all of this, she woke up that day not even knowing that Magic was real.

And one last thing Simon fears death now. He has a will to live unlike before when he wanted to die or kill himself, if that doesn't prove he's better off now idk what does.

I will not stand for Betty slander. She did the right thing. And I'm sick an tired of people saying otherwise.

[hermitcraftx]

I agree with your post about hermit fans in regard to things being very popular. I’ve seen more people being angry and annoyed about scarian in the last six months than people celebrating it. Not tagging shipping is shit but it’s better than harassing people. I don’t know what was put in the water but something changed drastically and I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s seen it.

IT'S FUCKING INSANE! This fandom used to be so positive and welcoming and overall way more pleasant than some... other MCYT fandoms, but now??? I can't log on without seeing untagged negative interpretations in the main tags, can't express an opinion without getting anons calling me heterosexual sympathizers and hoping that I die, everyone has turned their back on everything that used to make this fandom really... fun? Like, I don't tag ON MY BLOG, but usually I don't maintag my shipping posts, and if I do, I tag the ship name so people can filter it.... I don't maintag duo names. What the fuck happened to make everyone so- miserable. Anons are probably going to be permanently off for me, too many people comfortable with their opinions and not comfortable with mine and desperately needing to tell me that.

And like- look. I get not liking interpretations. Personally I'm not a fan of the Double Life cheating arc because of how abusive and out of character people made Grian be, and I had to avoid ao3 for a bit because of that and filter the fucking tags. Same thing with found family dynamics. Just because you don't like something doesn't make it "overrated and popular" and just because you don't like something doesn't make it immoral or unethical either!!! People have to make everything a moral standpoint nowadays and it's really exhausting-

But that's a tirade. All over all the confessions blogs there's "scarian is overrated" despite Grian having nearly 10mil subscribers and most of them being on YouTube and considering all the hermits friends or family truthing them. Yes, there is more shipping than before- that's because Hermitcraft season 8 made it very obvious that the people on the SMP and the people IRL are very different, and it's no longer considered RPF. None of the real hermits died via moon explosion, ZombieCleo often says she's doing "lore", they make different skins, even GRIAN acknowledges that he's acting and playing a part with the permit office. Despite all that, there's STILL wars on shipping and people insisting that we're shipping real people, I fought this war on the DSMP side of things and it's SO TIRING.

DND podcast listeners, do you ship the people playing the characters? NO!!!!! Unless you do, in which case, have fun with that. I don't really care about RPF and I filtered the tags for it a long time ago, so maybe they do do that.

Every other day I see "Third life is overrated" "Last life is overrated" (LAST LIFE IS OFTEN THE LEAST FAVORITE SEASON I SEE PEOPLE SAY!), "the life series is overrated" "the cactus ring is fucking stupid" "they left the desert but we didn't" "no, THIS interpretation of scarian is bad and wrong" and like... guys. Guys. Fandom is supposed to be fun. It is not supposed to be a full time job. It is not supposed to be moral or ethical and you shouldn't feel the need to police shit. Jesus Christ, every other month there's a new fad that tumblr users flock to and once it's over everyone goes "EWWW THAT WAS LAME AND OVERRATED AND I NEVER LIKED IT ANYWAY" like.... I promise you cannibalism as an allegory for love is not mainstream you are just on Tumblr.

Like Good God. If it's so bad here go to Twitter. I'm sick of all the complaining and misery and hatred and I miss when things were fun- people are so scared of being cliche that they don't want to write things that they enjoy. Where are the coffee shop aus???? Where are the fun silly things??? Where are the 100k grimdark fics with worldbuilding??? Wheres the 500k fics that aren't even about the same characters anymore but that we love just the same??? Where are the forums and people talking to each other in comments and meeting each other that way??? Where are the roleplay servers?????? What are you all doing??????

People are scared of being judged. They want to do what everyone else is doing. They don't want to be cringe or cliche and every day I see a "cringe culture is dead" post and then someone making fun of another part of fandom, an antithesis to their previous statement. They don't want to be late to things, either. Who cares if Last Life was a couple years ago? Draw the fanart anyway!

I'm scared. Maybe I'm just old, but every post I see I notice that I get maybe a 10th in reblogs of what I do in likes, and I don't even post my art or fics to this site. Every post is like that. More and more people only like posts and they die, unseen, by everyone. More and more people misuse archive of our own's functions, treating it like it has some algorithm, when it doesn't, and it never has and hopefully never will. I see fic reuploads to "gain traction" (not how it works) and people reaching out to find RP partners (breaking TOS) and all sorts of other shit on both sites and it fucking horrifies me. I'm not even that old- I'm eighteen, and I can already tell how fandom has changed for the worst for everyone. Fandom used to be a community. Not consumption.

It's just... sad. Old fandom had PLENTY of fucking problems, and we have problems here too, but at least the positives outweighed the negatives. It's so... mean here, now. Even the happy things are mean-spirited. People treat it as if certain people have invaded this fandom space, spreading horrible opinions and ruining it for everyone, but the truth is is that shipping is always going to be a thing. It's a foundation of fandom- fandom started with housewives in the 1950s writing Star Trek fanfiction. You can never get rid of shipping. You can just interact with what you want to interact with and leave others to mind their own business.

[1mmeee2]

Flu Confession (Daryl Dixon x Reader) 

Summary: This is in season 4 of the Walking dead when the flu spread. You and a few other people got sick out of the blue confusing everyone. While you were quarantined Daryl, the one of the few people who is close to you, came see and take care of you. ---------------------------------------------------------------

Day 2 of being locked in a police sheriff office. This time everything hurts, your throat, your eyes, your body, your head, everything. You felt extremely weak and lonely, you kinda was waiting to die at this point. As you sat in the room alone you heard a knock on the door making your head move up to see a shadow on the door tinted window. "Yes?" You asked with a dry, sore throat. "Y/n? Are you okay?" You heard Daryl's voice from the other side. "Yeah... I'm okay." You said as you crawled your way to the door and leaned on the door sitting on the cold floor. "The group right now is looking for antibiotics... Just hold on tight." Daryl said as he slowly rests his back on the door before sinking down to the floor like Y/n as she coughs more. "How does it feel to look like shit?" Daryl asked making me chuckle. "Amazing, never felt prettier in my life." I said sarcastically as I heard Daryl chuckle as well. "Hershel right now is handing out his whatever tea... He'll come over soon." Daryl said reassuring me as I played with my figures. "Y/n... I wanted to ask you something..." Daryl asked but Y/n didn't say anything back. "Y/n?" Daryl called but still no answer from them. "Y/n!?" Daryl asked again now this time extremely worried. Y/n though got knocked out from the pain and coughing and soon started coughing out blood which was the next symptom. Daryl without wasting another second started opening the door but it was locked. "Y/n!" Daryl said this time yelling, trying to figure out what to do. Suddenly Daryl broke the door knob leaving the door with a hole unlocking it. Soon Daryl opens the door and saw Y/n covered in her own blood from her mouth, pale skin, and suffocating from all the blood in her lungs. "Hershel! Hershel!" Daryl yelled as he picked Y/n up running to the cell rooms with all the other sick people. "What's wrong?" Hershel asked as he saw Y/n. "She's chocking!" Daryl said worriedly as he laid Y/n on the bed in one of the cell room while Hershel started inserting a tube down her throat making Y/n start shaking from more pain. "Y/n, I'm sorry." Hershel said as Daryl holds her down from shaking as he watched Hershel twist in the tube a air bag and started pumping air into her lungs to help her breath.

"I got other people to help, pump every 5 seconds." Hershel said to Daryl and handed the air bag to him. "Thanks." Daryl said to Hershel who look at Y/n then Daryl. "Take care of her." He said before leaving the two together making Daryl look at Y/n in sadness in seeing her in this much pain. "I'm sorry..." Daryl said softly as he continued pumping air in her lungs. "I love you... I get it, I'm a coward for not telling you up front. But... I will tell you soon. I want you to know..." Daryl said as he wasn't so sure if she'll make it or not... so might as well tell her while she's somewhat aware. - After a long wait, Y/n finally woke up to see herself in her cell room cleaned up and feeling a bit better. She soon sat up and saw Daryl resting on a chair next to her bed. "Daryl?" Y/n asked before tapping his arm making Daryl jump up and saw Y/n looking at him. "Y/n... Are you okay?" Daryl asked worriedly. "I feel a lot better. Are you okay?" Y/n asked worried as Daryl also didn't look too good. "Just tired... Hershel gave you the antibiotics and you got better." Daryl explained making Y/n get up from her bed. "Lay down, I can see your eye bags." You said helping him lay down on the bed without him fighting or being stubborn. "Thanks." Daryl said weakly making you chuckle a bit. "I love you too." You said making Daryl's eye widen in shock. "What?" Daryl asked confused. "Hey, I was in pain, not dead." You said sitting on the chair as Daryl was still trying to understand what's going on. "I'll let you figure that out bud." You said smirking at Daryl before kissing his cheek and slowly walked out of the cell room to go see the others but then you felt a hand on your arm.

Suddenly you felt the arm pull you in and felt Daryl's lips on yours. You soon slowly melted in his kiss and wrapped your arms around his neck. "I love you." Daryl said again in his kiss. "I love you too." You said smiling in the kiss.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

Ya know. I'm sick of seeing the Palestinian flag everywhere.

No for real. I'm tired of it. I've said this a number of times but fascists, communists and socialist, as well as anarchists, hate jews. And all of them believe the Nazi propaganda about them.

What's even more sad is watching people call for the death of an entire country because they view them as "White" when MOST jews in Israel are arguably not remotely white. This includes Arab and African Jews. But it's funny watching the Rhetoric of the KKK and Neo Nazi's show itself in the group I will now refer to as the FCSA.

"Jews control the world", "Jews are making everyone gay", Jews control all the money", "Jews are all rich and white". Yeah yeah yeah we've seen the Hitler talk for years. We know the bullshit you stupid fucks believe. War is bad but what is going on now is retaliation for a MASSACRE. Hamas and even the people of Gaza, those you call "Palestinians" are VERY specific about who they point the finger at too. So I hear nonstop the idea of "Colonizer" meanwhile this is what the Arab conquest looked like:

Interestingly, before this happened, Judah was a place. Israel in fact was mentioned in the Koran a number of times. Meaning it predated even the Muslim faith. Muhammad, was the purveyor of this faith. So if anything, the progressive should be on the side of Israel. BUT do you know why they aren't? Because in their view? Jews are "White Oppressors".

Now is killing civilians bad? Yes. Is war bad? Also yes. But sadly when it comes to war, civilians die. Except in this case, it's because Hamas are willing to do whatever it needs to, to both protect themselves, (including human shields) which also helps them spread propaganda that the Israeli military are hunting the people of Gaza for sport. See.....fog of war is a shit thing and everyone is going to have their own side. Me? Hamas is a radical sect of Islam. We see them when they do videos in LAVISH places with trinkets that would make the Vatican blush. Why? By stopping aid into Gaza, taking money from Iran, and then selling the aid for a HUGE markup, to get more rich.

What happened to eat the rich? OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RIGHT when they are brown or black it's fine if they are rich right? Because you arrogant fucks don't actually believe anything at all. And none of your views are consistent. Hamas admitted the "Death count" it was sending out was GROSSLY inflated and every single country took it at face value and has yet to correct it. And now, the leaders of Hamas are some of the single richest people on earth. What's more, they want more people from Gaza to die because it makes them (Hamas) look more oppressed. And makes Jews and Israel, look evil.

Then there are the anarchists who I love hearing from *Sarcasm* who want to abolish Israel, but will outright deny that Islam sees Judaism as a slight against their god. Believe me when I say that if Israel left the rest of the hostages to die or be tortured.....this conflict would not stop. Hamas would strike again and again, and anarchists would say, "Well that's just what Israel gets for existing. If they just gave it to the Arabs everything would be sunshine and rainbows". OH so Arabs get to own land and have a theocracy where they commit humans rights violations but Israel can't exist? Sounds to me that the issue you have is the Jewish homeland there sir. Oh and if you think the Jewish people would be safe? Nope. They'd have to escape to other places around the world, knowing it's only a matter of time before those other countries turn on them.

Like the Leftists in the West, who are hunting and harming/threatening Jews with ZERO ties to Israel over this conflict. Enough that a number of students got trapped in a library because a mob formed outside chanting "From the river to the sea". A phrase both created by Hamas and used as a genocidal chant.

Civilian deaths are bad. We get it. But why does NO ONE seem to give a fuck about the massacre? "Oh it was bad but~", No there is no BUT. IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL. And Hamas has stated it's goals over and over. Yet the cult of activists in the west will just dick suck actual terrorists so long as they aren't "White" or "White adjacent". It's even funnier when you consider shit like "Queers for Palestine". Bro they would stone you nearly to death, castrate you then throw you off a fucking building. The LAW in Gaza as enforced by Hamas, was 10 years MIN jail if you were caught being a homosexual. Assuming you lived to SEE jail.

And it actually gets more weird. Seeing the far right say, "Jews are helping create the gays" while the far left is saying "Jews HATE the gays and Islam actually loves them". Have you assholes READ the Koran? Or any related books of the faith? It expressly FORBIDS homosexuality if I recall, and sees it as a slight against Allah. And for slights against their god, they can and WILL kill you. (NOT ALL but enough of the countries that follow it that it's an issue).

My point is. I don't really have a dog in the fight of this conflict. It's just funny watching the FCSA all come together and pretend they don't hate Jews while TARGETING Jews. And I'm tired of influencers, Bands, Actors, and Activists pretending they know what's going on when all they are actually doing is swallowing Hamas propaganda whole. Again. A leader of Hamas has openly said they want more civilians to die because it makes them look more sympathetic. Many have tried to escape only to be blocked off by Hamas. And given their track record for propaganda I would not put it past them to kill an IDF member, take their uniform, and go execute some civilians and then use their Hamas journalists who were on GREAT terms with the UN to film it and create a fucking puff piece worshiping these terrorist fucks. Who DO NOT care about civility, rights, or peoples lives.

[thegreymoon]

The Story of Minglan

I am so damn tired. I don't know how other people manage to hold down jobs and have families and get all their shit together and still manage to find time for things they enjoy.

I can't manage to eke out time for one episode of a drama, let alone something more challenging. I will try at least half tonight and maybe continue tomorrow. I hate everything 😢

***

OK, I laughed 🤣🤣

***

God, I'm so face-blind 😭

Is this that royal cousin that he once saved in the middle of nowhere?

Are we getting to the royal plots now? I feel like I'm really struggling here with the transition from the last arc to this one.

***

Yup, it's him, I just went back and checked my old screenshots.

***

Oh, shit.

Assassins!

Anyway, here's to random Imperial cousin Zhao becoming the new Emperor!

Maybe he can even let Gu Tingye retake that stupid exam.

***

So nice 💚

***

They just keep poppin up, like toadstools after rain 😕

This drama is mostly a domestic, female drama, with female issues and struggles and household battlefields, so I find it very hard to switch gears and enjoy his wuxia moments that happen here every one hundred years because it just doesn't match the tone of everything else, but I've realised that I wouldn't mind watching him wreak destruction in another drama, where it would be more appropriate. He really moves very well and is such a strong presence on-screen.

***

Also, what is he fighting these bandits alone for? Was he not with Imperial Cousin the Younger when they realised there was an ambush? Where are the rest of their men?

***

Finally!

***

So many common themes with Love Like the Galxy!

Also, I am always reminded of Shen Zechuan breaking a prisoner out of the imperial prison to skin him alive.

***

LOL, that didn't take long 😅

Anyway, princes Yan and Yong are going down!

***

I love how these people still have faith in the useless Emperor.

The man has been mentally unwell for years, he is old and sick and they still think they can go tattle to him and that he will do anything to protect anyone.

***

I love Imperial Cousin, LOL! He's so bloodthirsty 🤣🤣

But he must be when Daddy Zhao is so meek and indecisive.

***

I love these big shots of scenery!

***

Yeah, dream on!

Gu Tingye is out there being best buddies with the next emperor! All your scheming is in vain.

But the biggest irony here is that Gu Tingye adored her. He really thought of her as a mother. It would have been endless glory and wealth for her and her son if she had just been half normal and not gone out of her way to ruin everyone's lives.

***

This can't be good 😬

It's just Minglan's luck to get stuck in the Imperial Palace when a coup is about to go down.

***

I know this woman!

Didn't she also play an evil Imperial Consort in Nirvana in Fire?

These roles suit her!

***

YESSSS! Consort Rong, go apeshit! 🔥🔥

***

Yes! Please, kill her!

Preferably beat her to death.

Let her know before she dies what pain she inflicted on helpless people. I am Team Consort Rong!

***

Wait.

If Prince Yong killed her sister, she is probably allied with prince Yan. And Prince Yan is currently trying to murder Gu Tingye and Unfavoured Imperial Cousins.

So maybe not Team Consort Rong after all because I do want Gu Tingye to win 🤔 But maybe she can kill Princess Pingning first.

***

Yep.

Go, Consort Rong!! Kill them all!! 🗡🗡

***

Oh, yes, dig your grave!

I will very much enjoy watching the whole lot of you die.

***

Oh, he's still alive?

I was wondering.

Also, the difference between his appearance and the Consort's, smh. She is so beautiful and he is a warmed-up corpse. My estimate is that he is at least forty years older than her.

***

LMAO, priorities 🤣🤣

I love Changbai! He is such a Lan Xichen 💙

[agirlwithbigdreamsforher]

I'M NOT HER!

THE NANNY: ONE SHOT

I’M NOT HER!

Pairing: Andy Barber x Annie Johnson (OFC)

Summary: Andy makes the mistake of comparing his current wife with his ex.

Warnings: Language.

A/N:  HAPPY 2024 EVERYONE!

Word count: 1175

Disclaimer: I do not give permission for any of my works to be copied, used, translated nor reposted anywhere else but here on this blog. Do not steal what you didn’t work for. Minors and ageless blank blogs don’t interact with me or my works. Reblogs and likes are always welcome. Thank you for reading this work of fiction.

GIF's not mine, you can find the credits in the bottom of the gif :)

                                     ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

It’s been a couple of weeks after Annie was told she was expecting their first child. And so far it was a nightmare. She didn’t understood why they were called morning sickness since she felt sick all day long. She couldn’t eat anything and Andy’s perfume made her sick as well. The poor guy had to stop wearing aftershave because she will gag and then ran to the bathroom. And on top of that she was exhausted all the time. She even had fallen asleep once during her lunch break at the Children’s Cottage, if it wasn’t because her boss walked into the teacher’s launch Annie would’ve stayed asleep.

Andy walked into the room carrying a glass of water after Annie threw up for the third time of the day.

“How you feeling?”

“I wanna die. The room is spinning.”

“Hehehe. It’ll pass. It’s so weird, Laurie was never this sick, I never saw her throwing up. Not even once.”

“Lucky bitch.”

And so it began, no matter the symptom, no matter the situation Andy always mentioned Laurie.

“You know when Laurie was pregnant, she had these crazy cravings. Are you sure you don’t want to eat anything? Maybe ammm pickles with Nutella?”

“I just threw up breakfast! So no, I don’t want to eat! And don’t you ever mentioned that combination. You know I hate pickles!” She gagged, “Oh God!” and then ran to the bathroom again.

“Sorry, honey!”

It was a slow afternoon, Jake was lying on the floor of the living room drawing some things, while Annie was resting on the couch.

“Mommy?”

“Hmmm?” Annie was spend, she could barely kept her eyes open.

“You wanf more warer?”

“No, I’m good. Sorry for throwing up in front of you.”

“S’ ok.”

Jake still didn’t know Annie was pregnant. She was determined to hide her pregnancy for as long as she could to make sure everything was perfect with their child.

“Honey?” Annie felt a soft stroke on her cheek, “Honey?” Andy said in a sing like voice, and soon after Annie opened her eyes. “Hey.” A soft “hi” came out of her mouth, “Jake said you threw up.” She nodded. “Are you feeling better now?”

“I’m not having nauseas, but I’m tired.” She yawned. “Where is Jake?”

“In his room. You think you can eat a bit?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, it’s just saltines, but it’s better than nothing.” Andy passed a small plate with saltines, a glass of iced water on the coffee table. Annie was about to bite the cracker when Andy spoke “I remember when Laurie was pregnant, she could…”

“Ok, I’m done!” She said putting the saltine back on the plate.

“What?”

“You keep doing it!”

“Doing what?”

“Comparing me to Laurie!”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are! I’m not her! I’m sorry if my pregnancy is not being as smooth as it was for her, but I’m fucking done with you always bringing her up!” Andy remained silent, “Oh Laurie never had morning sickness. Laurie could eat everything she wanted. Laurie could fly around the world in a fucking minute while doing the laundry and dinner. Well I can’t! I feel like crap! I’m exhausted, I’ve thrown up 5 times today! I’m carrying your child and the least I except from you is not to bring your bitch of an ex to my pregnancy!”

“Ok, how about if we calm down…”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!”

“Honey, this is your hormones talking…”

“Don’t! Shut up! I hate you!”

“Honey!”

“I hate you so much! You are an asshole! And if Laurie is so fucking great why don’t you come back to her!”

Annie walked away from Andy and hid in their bedroom. Andy stayed in his spot, rubbed his temples and waited for 5 minutes. He stood up and went to their room. When he walked in Annie was fully sobbing, flushed face, snot coming out of her nose.

“Oh, baby.” Andy walked and sat on the bed, “Come here.” Annie sat on his lap “I’m sorry.” Andy hugged her and stroke her back softly. “I’m sorry for comparing you with Laurie, I didn’t notice I was doing it, I swear.”

“Is she better than me?” Annie said in a whisper.

“Of course not, honey. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” Annie was still sobbing slightly against his chest, “I won’t do it again, I promise. And I understand why you’re upset, I wouldn’t like it either if you compare me with Daniel.”

Annie took a deep breath, the musky smell of his perfume made her run to the bathroom and at this point she was just throwing up water.

Andy sat on the floor next to her, rubbing circles on her back until she was done.

“I…” she took a breath, “sorry.” Andy just smiled at her, but that smiled faded when she began to cry again.

“Tell me what’s wrong?”

“I am so hungry.”

“Tell you what. We will try with the saltines, and if you feel sick again, maybe we should go with your doctor.”

“Ok”

“Alright, up we go!” Andy took her in his arms and put her on the bed, “Be right back, ok?” She nodded meekly.

When Andy came back she was sitting against the headboard drifting off.

“Honey?” She opened her eyes and smiled. “Open your mouth.” She did and bit the cracker Andy put in her mouth. She moaned at the flavor. “Good, small bites.”

Annie took the plate off of Andy’s hands and kept eating the saltines until the plate was empty. She then took the glass of water and took a small sip.

“How you feeling?”

“Good. They were delicious. Did Laurie used to eat that too?”

“No.” Andy scratch his head, “I was talking with the guys today during lunch and I told them you had the flu so Anthony told me his wife ate saltines and cold water when she was sick, so I thought maybe you could eat that too.”

“You talk about me at work?”

“Well, yeah. I was worried about you, honey.”

“Aw.” Her eyes filled with tears, “That’s so sweet.” And then she began sobbing, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

“Nothing is wrong with you.” He hugged her until her crying stopped. “Your body is going through major changes right now, so no need to apologize.”  

“We are having a baby.” It was more than obvious that the first trimester was going to be though but then she thought about the baby she was carrying and smiled. It was worth the trouble.

“Yes, we are.” Andy gave a peck on the lips. “Get comfortable, I’ll change my clothes and then we can rest.”

Andy stood up and walked toward the closet. He was about to opened it when he turned down and saw Annie was on her side completely out, slightly snoring, definitely a first. He laughed a bit and shook his head before walking into the closet and change his clothes for the night.

[martinotea]

I'm quite proud of this angst so I'll put it here

[ Addiction and dark circles ]

Controlling the entire facility is a big challenge, with its control comes a great desire to test. Desire for experiences. So much desire but with it comes the pain of its absence. You could say it's like a drug. And any person who is in control and does not get enough satisfaction from the tests begins to experience something like drug cravings. This person's mind is taken over by just one thought, satisfaction. A person in control needs satisfaction, otherwise he will tire himself out.. and so it was this time too.

The euphoria that Wheatley was experiencing at that moment from the test you had just completed was like cocaine to him. An invigorating experience. He constantly desires more and more!!

"Ohhhh, yes. Ohhhh. Well done.. well done luv"

He was feeling better when you tested. All this euphoria filled his entire body. He laughed, you might have seen him on one of the screens in the test chamber

"You don't even know how good it feels! Ohhh yes yes"

Everything seemed to be fine at first.. but with each subsequent test Wheatley became more and more desperate. He wanted to feel this euphoria, more! More! More!!! His hunger to satisfy this need was growing, it started to hurt him. Since all this euphoria was like cocaine for him, there were, of course, other effects. He felt that he had power, great power, no one or nothing could oppose him. Everyone had to test, saying everyone of course it's about you. You. You needed to test to give that blue-eyed robot what he wanted. On the one hand, you definitely didn't like it, but on the other, you had no choice. He was in charge now and you didn't want to die. Each subsequent test affected him less and less… which made him angry and desperate. And it's all because of this voice in his head, this effect of being addicted to euphoria.. something he couldn't even fight if he wanted to. The mainframe was the carrier for this. And the robot's previous nervousness intensified the effects even more. Not good. Everything was slowly starting to get out of his control, he was getting too desperate. He wanted, no matter what the cost, to relieve himself of the pain of not having this feeling. Euphoria at that moment was the only thing that made him happy or whatever calmed him down, for a short moment but it worked

You slowly made your way through the tests, starting to stress out at how desperate he was becoming..

You kept moving forward now, only with the thought that it would all turn out to be a bad dream. But unfortunately that won't happen. You have to come to terms with the fact that someone you trusted betrayed you and is currently hungry for euphoria.. you are the only being who can provide him with this. The thought hurt you a bit.You moved further and further through yourself overcoming various obstacles. After a while you hear his voice, you can feel a slight desperation in it

“Ah, I see. Clever. Verrrrrrry clever. And FOOLISH! No way out. You're at my mercy! And I don't have any. You're at my- No wait, come back! Come- Sorry. Please. No, I was- I was going somewhere with all that… FOOL!"

His words were now running through your head. After a while, you stopped focusing on what he was saying, you could hear his voice but you couldn't tell what he was saying. You decided to delay your journey further, surprising from the stream you were moving for a moment. He wasn't happy about that.

"…nothing to worry about… The puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I-- Alright, fine. I'm not saying another word until you do it properly. I'm sick of this.”

Wheatley fell silent. The silence took you out of your rhythm.. it was too quiet, too calm. Now you were the one starting to get desperate too.. You sighed and moved on again…

Moving deeper into the facility, closer and closer to him. He was stressed and you too, you both weren't ready for your face-to-face meeting. Which is coming soon. You hear his voice again, this time he's trying to hide his stress and fear. He's afraid to meet you again, afraid to see you in person. He's afraid of fighting you.

"I'll be honest, the… death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And… you are getting very close to my lair… 'Lair' - heh, it's weird isn't that? First time I've said it out loud. Sounds a bit- bit- sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But, uh I can assure you: It is one. It is a proper lair. Deadly lair."

You stopped to look at the screen that now showed him. Listening to his words

"So. Boom. Better offer, here is… just kill yourself!"

You're speechless now. It was a blow to your heart. Ouh. Your lips parted slightly at the shock

"Y'know? It- Lot of effort, isn't it? Walking all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly serviceable death option right there. Again: Not a death trap, not a death trap. Your death would be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated."

"Plus, I have put a lot of effort in getting this lair ready for you. So it would certainly teach me a lesson if you simply died, painlessly, twenty feet from the door. I'd be furious. I'd be like RRRRR. I got my just desserts. No more than I deserve. But, uh, teach- Why not teach me a lesson by- by just jumpin' in the ol' masher?"

There was something in his voice.. fear. He was really afraid of seeing you, despite his constant desperation and growing frustration with the lack of satisfaction he could still tell you to test he could try to force you to do it, but he doesn't. Now it looked like he was trying to pull you away from his lair. Maybe he's definitely doing it the wrong way.. but somehow he does it. His anxiety begins to become more and more visible.

Your heart was pounding with all its might in your chest. You will soon be face to face with him. Just the thought made your emotions slowly get out of control. You sighed quietly.

"We've had some times, haven't we? Like that time I jumped off my management rail, not sure if I'd die or not when I did, and all you had to do was catch me?"

Your cheeks flushed slightly in embarrassment. You remember this moment well, your movements were too slow and even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to catch him.. it still made you feel guilty

"Aaaand you didn't. Did you? Oh, you remember that? I remember that. I remember that all the time. And we would have talked our way out of it. Except you forgot to tell me you'd MURDERED her"

Wheatley raised his voice to give his words more serious tone

"And that she needed you to live, so the only available vent for her rage would be good old crushable Wheatley"

You stood in complete silence… the entire moment passed before your eyes. Waking her up and how she crushed him in front of you. You then saw only a moment of his destroyed circuits.. before she threw him.. somewhere in the distance and caught you

All these memories slowly made you cry.

"Yeah… Little details that I remember. Easy little tidbits you could have used to save me from getting crushed if you'd cared, which you didn't, obviously. And still do not."

These last words of his were the most painful for you. Tears ran down your cheeks.. you did care about him, you do care and you will care.. even after all this..

"Oh! remember the time I took over the facility? Greatest. Moment. Of my life. But you? Just wanted to leave!"

You looked at him carefully, his damaged body.. it hurt to look at him.. Your guilt began to grow on your shoulders… it was true, you wanted to leave this place, you wanted to experience freedom. But you definitely didn't want to leave him here… but now it's too late to explain all of that

"Didn't want to share my success. Well, so you know, I would be HAPPY for you if you succeeded… Apart from right now, obviously."

The atmosphere in the room was getting worse and worse, you and he were both feeling worse and worse for other reasons as well.. This was all too much. Everything was happening so fast, too fast..

Now you were holding on to him with all your might.. hoping you won't fly away into the depths of space.. You looked into his blue eyes, they showed fear. Your eyes probably showed fear too..

"Let go of me!"

He screamed, tears forming in his eyes. Even though he was just a robot, he still had emotions.. tears also appeared on your cheeks. You fought for your life and he.. he was doing the same.

You felt someone, or rather something, grab your arm. Metal 'hands' tightened on your shoulder and it hurt. You looked at him.. and at that moment the last cables that held him let go. There was great fear in your eyes. It was seconds… You saw him moving away. Despite everything, you tried to reach out to grab his hand. He held out his metal hand too.. You almost got him!.. It was so close.. Something was nudging you backwards, creating more distance between you and him. You couldn't catch him anymore, he was too far away.. but you still held out your hand to him.. hoping hoping that…

You fell to the ground, breathing heavily. You looked at the closing portal, tears streaming down your cheeks..

"Wheatley!!"

You lost consciousness.. everything turned black

[kart0]

Venting about me being stupid tw ed and suicide thoughts

...hey

I feel like I should start this by saying I've been actually pretty well lately ! I am drawing again, I lost weight which was something I really wanted, I think I made new friends, and I've been growing a lot on social media - I love the attention btw

So what do I have to complain now ? Dani doesn't this get tiring ? Uhhh yes but it's my blog so FUCK YOU

Anyways, it's exam season and there's a lot of things to do. And I have to mention I am illiterate I do not read nor am good at writing. I guess it has to do with my anxiety, I have a lot of thoughts. A LOT. That keep playing 24/7, so it's kinda hard to write something coherent.

So, I have this class, ceramic class, and I am terrible at it. Like. Super bad. Everything I do looks so bad it's literally disgusting to look at. Ok so we had this essay to do and I did, proudly, and I finish it on time which made me so happy. And I thought I did pretty well in fact !

Hm. Thought. We got our grade today and I got such a bad grade. Like. Not even half of the grade. And now I can't stop crying and feeling so stupid specially because ! Basically everyone in my class uses Chatgpt and gets away with it. And I swore, on my life, that I would never, NEVER, use AI to do my work. To do nothing, really. I have an ego the size of the universe, and I am extremely proud. It's my dignity on risk. What would my parents think of me ? What would I think of myself ???? I would never do that. Instead I keep writing everything on my own, with references of course. I used to think I'd rather get a low grade instead of using chat fucking gpt.

Well, now that I actually got a low grade I am really really upset, and regretful. Why did I have to be so proud and stupidly arrogant with my abilities. I know I FUCKING KNOW I can't write for shit. I keep thinking about how I should've used AI.

And I feel so shitty I skipped dinner tonight. Because I feel like I should starve and die. I do not deserve food. All I have to feel right now is fucking pain, and be miserable. Because I am failing this class. And I know, rationally speaking, this is super dumb. It's just a class and it's just one essay y'know. And I need to eat. Cuz honestly I'm pretty hungry.

But I keep thinking about what I did, and how I could've done so much better. I feel like such a fool.

Such a fucking fool.

And now my thoughts are spiraling, how I should either dropout of college (again btw) or kill myself ! Damn bro. Chill for a second.

And I have been eating less. Too less in fact. That's how I've been able to lose weight. So eating even less each time feels like a sickly accomplishment somehow. And I keep weighing myself everyday, morning and night. Sometimes 10 times a day. And all I want is for the number to get lower. It's so sick I should stop but I don't know how. And I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I haven't told anyone about this.

I need to lose more weight, I NEED to lose more weight. Keeps on replay, and I work even harder to not eat. It's a game of being unworthy of basic human needs. I am starving myself to death. I know that.

And now I am punishing myself by not eating anything at all because of a fucking essay. Why do I keep doing this. What am I even trying to achieve with this. I keep feeling sick and nauseated and it's so bad and I keep taking pills for headaches and I just feel so... stupid

But I need to see me getting skinnier. I feel proud. And there was a time when this happened before too, when I was 18-19. I was so skinny back then and I did not eat.

And now it's happening again and I can't remember how I stopped the first time.

I don't want to feel sick all the time. I don't want to keep looking at the scale. I don't want to think I have to deserve food.

I don't want to die.

But I want this to be over. So much. And I know it's not the end of the fucking world but why, why does it feel like this all the time. Why can't I be normal, and have normal thoughts, and behave normally, and just be fucking ok for once.

I was doing so well... How did I end up like this again.

When will this ever stop ?

[yes0another0outsiders0blog]

Finally rereading The Outsiders like I said I would. I think I'll probably be doing a chapter a day, even though it's short enough that I could probably bust it out in one or two sittings. I'm really prone to burnout and I am trying to write a bit each day and I have a job to work and adult tasks to do and such, so a chapter sounds like a good goal with that considered.

Also, I'm sick as a fucking dog while reading this first chapter. Not relevant, just a little fun fact.

Anyway, have my thoughts while I read it!!

The Outsiders Reread : Chapter One Notes

less than a page in and I'm already tired of Ponyboy being Not Like The Other Girls

he's 14, that's positive, I should not be able to stomach a well-written 14 year old on account of them acting very 14, but also shut the fuck up

"yeah, I read books, unlike EVERYONE ELSE" go to hell

not to intentionally misread and water down a character, but Ponyboy saying "but sometimes I just don't use my head" is literally all you need to fucking know. that's it, that's the book

we get it, Pony, you come from a very hot family, yall are all conventionally attractive. paragraphs, ffs

also, I love that Soda doesn't drink. that he has a drunk on life attitude. could absolutely never be me, love that for him, unfortunately I fw Two-Bit's vibes with alcohol a bit more--

and the fact that Soda is the only one that can tease Darry.

there isn't a single positive thing said about Dallas besides "I didn't like him, but he was smart and you had to respect him." but frfr he's so great.

but if I met any of these fuckers irl Soda is the only one that I'd have a chance in hell at not hating. and that's only because he seems like he'd be enough of an emotionally/socially intelligent people-pleaser to actively try to get someone to like him, lol.

kinda salty about Johnny being called the gangs pet, wtf Ponyboy. not like he's one person's main reason to live, is SUCH fucking ride or die, later kills a man for Pony. but yeah, he's a pet. he tags along. what the fuck ever, man. if anything, Ponyboy (you know, the person that's mainly part of the gang bc he tags along with his older brothers, the BABY of the group, the quiet & sensitive one that doesn't have a single braincell outside of pure booksmarts) is the pet. like, sure, Johnny has trauma and is really quiet, but let's be so fr right now.

despite what is said in the book (bc it's Ponyboy's pov so we only get his perspective, obviously) I'm sure Darry gets after Soda too.

also, oldest children that become parental figures in some degree are allowed to be mean to their baby siblings. it's our right. as a 20-something year old with a young teen baby brother with common sense in the negatives, I am very biased in saying that Darry is always objectively 100% correct in every situation ever (heavily exaggerating, I just relate a lot).

forever mad that we don't get more Sylvia!!! my most random fav!!! so much love to her!!! she's basically an oc with how little we get of her and how many headcanons I have, I don't even really like the main fanon version of her either, but GOD she's my girl fr

NO BECAUSE WHEN I WAS 14 IF SOMEONE PULLED THEIR OWN KNIFE TO DO A DISSECTION THE WAY MY TONGUE WOULD BE DOWN THEIR THROAT. Ponyboy, babygirl, you did NOT deserve for that girl to hate on you like that. RUDE.

"Dallas deserves everything he gets, and should get worse, if you want the truth." agreed, that's my though process as I'm making the nastiest headcanons for him. my life's goal is to make this man suffer or make him into a loser, and all my hcs do both

breaks my heart so much how Ponyboy talks about Darry, leave my boy ALONE, dude!!!

my headcanons for Darry are usually the exact opposite of my hcs for Dally, I just want this guy to have the very best ong. I'll get so unrealistic with it too, bitch, YES I'll give you an absolutely stunning sugar mommy, babe!! just stop being stressed and stop having bad things happen for a few minutes!!! I almost struggle making in character, good headcanons for him because I just want to give him fluff and filler only and nothing else--

[bored-storyteller]

Since you listed Bungou Stray Dogs in your word list here's an idea:

our little anemic Russian lady Fyodor Dostoyevsky - Bones

Or ignore this if you don't feel like it

Yees, Dostoevsky is always a welcome challenge. But a challenge, I'm never sure with him.

I warn, this could be a bit macabre, even if on an evocative level more than visual. And a toxic relationship is implied.

Bungou Stray Dogs, Fyodor Dostoevsky x reader

Word: "Bones"

The first thing you perceive is the air. Air that enters your lungs as if they were filled for the first time, cold night air but living air, the air of the world.

Then your vision clears up, the blindfold that hid your gaze fell and now you see the moon, the stars, the black trees already damp in the darkness.

You would like to feel happy, or at least relieved, but underneath the restlessness it does not leave you; it snakes in your bowels making them tremble.

Your body hurts. The arms, the legs, the muscles, the bones hurt.

His violet eyes stare at you silently. They are undeniably beautiful, hypnotic, tired, sick, all at the same time. Despite everything, you would like to look at them forever now, to lose yourself in them without returning to reality, but the sly smile beneath them does not allow you to linger.

Fyodor Dostoevsky watches you, his figure standing tall against the starry background. It’s dark there, yet his pale face seems almost translucent under the moon's rays, like the face of the angel of death.

Ah, if only he could read your thoughts he would wallow in them, or maybe he already does?

Your body just huddles, instinctively, in a vain attempt to hide from obvious danger.

Why is he here? You ask in your head.

"I came to save you." He tells you in an unsolicited response.

He came to save you. Those words on his lips sound like a mockery, they are a mockery.

There is no one else besides the two of you in that remote place, and you are sure that he wanted you in that very remote place.

You turn to look at the dilapidated farmhouse from which you have just been dragged out, it is too dark to see what are the shadows that can be glimpsed on the ground.

"It’s wet." You say, as your fingers touch the earth.

"Yes, it's the blood."

Everyone has to die somehow, right?

His hand reaches out to you, and you reluctantly grab it.

Ah, it's cold, so cold it looks dead.

Yet it pulls you harder than you think, and you fall into his arms; thin and dangerous arms, arms that could kill you now.

Your body still hurts, everything hurts.

"Why did you come?" You ask him in a whisper while you turn your head away, so you don't dare look at him.

"Did you think I would let my purest angel die at the hands of these sinners?"

Angels don’t die, you would like to tell him, but instead your surrendered hands rest on his chest.

Under your fingers his heart beats; it is irregular and accelerated, but you know that the wicked pace is not due to the emotions he feels.

His is a sick body: he hates it, you don't know it. Maybe it's reassuring.

It is reassuring to feel his bones under his skin, to feel them only by stroking him. You can count his ribs against your palms, his phalanges against your back.

Or maybe it's just you imagining you're counting those bones. Just feel his ribcage and you remember that despite everything he is a human being, a sinner. One day he too will die, and he will perish.

Someday both, him and you, will be nothing than those skeletons now aching. Which of the two will get naked first?

“Do you fantasize about my decay? What macabre thoughts." His light voice hits you and seems to catch you red-handed. His poisoned smile, however, does not break down, while he looks at you without letting you go.

Fyodor always smiles at you, but never out of joy.

His fingers slide under your chin, run the line of your jaw absorbed, threatening or dreamy, you can't tell.

“Such a dangerous wish… but it suits you. It’s ok."

The tip of his nose touches yours, you are in his helpless embrace and even though he is dangerous and sick, he is also mesmerizing and fascinating. Even if you would like to escape, you can't imagine any place in the world that fits your figure like next to him.

“You will gather my bones and make them your shelter. You know it as well as I do. "

You already did it; he knows it as well as you do, and that's why your tired head can lean against that cage.

[atalana]

honestly though like. as a jesper fan, i am baffled by the choices they made with his character arc this season

like i was definitely surprised they just threw the grisha thing in immediately after it was such a secret last season, but that's not inherently bad, i can roll with that

two things though

1) i am absolutely thrilled to get that scene with aditi, she was the number one character i wanted to see in s2 and it was everything i wanted and more. but attributing jesper's denial of his powers just to her death... yes, that was what pushed colm over the edge in terms of paranoid protecting

but he was terrified before she died. and that's because he's kaelish, not zemeni, and he knows the world. novyi zem may be relatively safe for zowa, but at least as far as the books are concerned, nowhere else is. the wandering isle has far too many superstitions, ravka has a compulsory draft for grisha, the fjerdans will kill you, the shu want to experiment on you, and one thing the show really does not cover is that pretty much every grisha in ketterdam is an indenture, nina included. every grisha in the city is owned by someone. your options outside of novyi zem are death, war, or slavery. jesper's dad kinda had a point

and i'm surprised they didn't even try to touch on that, because that could actually be really interesting in this crossover au! why? because that's the darkling's point of view. he's kind of a magneto here, doing wrong things for valid reasons - and jes has the most experience with those reasons. in the books he's nowhere near as okay with his powers (nina's narration at one point mentions how jes continually talks about grisha like he's not one of them, even in a room where everyone knows his secret. and he can't even say the word grisha, nor can his father, if they have to discuss it they coat it in several layers of vague language)

you're going to make a much stronger debate and a more interesting antagonist if one of your protags agrees that yeah, there is nowhere in the world that is safe for any of them, even if the war is over

2) where, are they intending to take jes' character arc from here? bc they kinda went right for the root of it, which doesn't make a lot of sense if you wanna keep this character around

like, if you haven't read the books, grisha stay healthy by using their powers - they can live longer, yes, but it also keeps them from getting sick, and so on. the inverse, however, is also true. one of the ways the shu government identifies grisha in hiding is that they can't go long without using their abilities, it makes them tired and weak and sickly

and crooked kingdom really digs into the fact that staying in hiding since he was a kid has been having a severe impact on jesper's health - not physically, for him it manifests mentally. sort of fantasy adhd, but the worst traits of it. he's always restless, nothing ever feels okay, he keeps pushing his emotions down because he doesn't know how to deal with them without them exploding. he's a serious adrenaline junkie because of it - he has a legit and debilitating gambling addiction that forms the heart of his character arc, and the same with danger, the only time the world feels right is when he's in the middle of a fight and probably about to die

jes can't quit gambling because he can't admit to himself there's anything wrong. he can't admit what he is and he can't admit that it's hurting him really badly

he only makes progress on the grisha thing right at the end of the last book, and he's working on the gambling addiction, though that's something implied to be fixed in the future rather than seeing it on the page

but he seems to be much more okay with who he is now than he ever was in the books. and, if he's okay with it now, how are you ever going to dig into the rest of the interesting stuff, that's all only happening because jes is hiding from himself?

[space-blue]

Sorry to hear you're sick I hope you feel better soon! i'm curious about what you're doing for NaNo so if you have time, would you tell us about 1, 3 and 6, 8, 10 and 12, 13, 14, 20? Basically everything! 😅

Oh anon, that's a kind ask, but I'm afraid I may not give you satisfying answers. From these questions.

I plan on 'writing all month' rather than focusing on a single work. Although I do have one short story I've been wanting to try despite feeling so-so about it. I'll answer those questions with that story in mind.

It has a temporary title : the Exorcist.

1- How many times have you done NaNo?

I think this is my third time?

3- How much planning do you have done?

None. I never plan. I'll have to do some research as I go but I wait for it to be story relevent.

6- What genre are you writing?

Erm… No idea. I keep thinking the concept is goofy as fuck, but everyone I talk to says it's creepy and could qualify as horror. I think it'll all be in the tone, but I want a fairly light and tongue in cheek main character pov.

8- Any inspirations?

Yes, from here actually. I answered a writing prompt about how life was going great living in a haunted house with a bunch of ghosts until an exorcist moved next door. That was weirdly popular considering I spent 20min on it max. But then it paired in my mind with a completely bonkers idea for some Eco-terrorism grand plot that involves body snatching billionaires…

10- Any romance sub-plots?

None on the docket, no. Not really into romance, especially if it's not baked into the characters from the start.

12- Who’s your favorite character so far?

I've written way too little to have a fav Y_Y I suppose the exorcist lol He's a very tired man. I think Hellboy is the closest in mentality I have for him.

13- Who’s your least favorite character so far?

Jeff Bezos.

14- Which of your characters would die first in the zombie apocalypse?

Mmh, hard to say as the core characters are all pretty tough in their own unique way. There's a witch and their partner, their child, and the exorcist. And a handful of ghosts/spirits, maybe, not decided. Probably the witch's partner.

20- If your MC was in another book, what book would they be in?

Any number of urban fantasy, I suppose. Though I'd like to think that Malcolm (the Exorcist in question) would fit best in the world of Constantine or the BPRD.

I'm fine though, don't worry. Just a cold dragging me down. I'll be back on my feet soon. Thanks for the ask though, and sorry for the more than vague answers lol

[mazm-imagines]

MazM week day 5 prompt for family! The time I spent babygirling Alan > his siblings. I love him hes like a milf but not a mother, I love characters that know how to talk to children. Extra below the cut!

For the first time in a good while, Alan had plenty of sleep.

In the middle of the night he would wake up, the stimulant jolting in his blood still. But the exhaustion was finally catching up and he would let his head hit the pillow.

When was the last time he'd ever felt this way? Not since he was 15 that's for sure.

The morning rays shone through the windows and onto his eyes. It looked to be a nice day "Just five more minutes…" It's what he always said in the morning, even if he didn't spare himself those 5 minutes. Any minute wasted would be money docked off his pay. However Messrs Maw had given him a paid leave. After the freak out with the customer and Kate's intervention, they couldn't work him any longer.

Alan had another job, of course he did, how could he pay for his sister's bills if he didn't? But that would be much later in the day. Right now all he needed to do was rest. It was a relief he'd never felt before. Years of working to the bone disintegrated in this cot, as stiff as it was.

Well, he'd have to get up eventually, he didn't want to waste such a beautiful day. Contrary to his normal rushed attitude, he could actually sit down and slowly enjoy every second. Those seconds wouldn't be docked from his pay, those were his.

He placed one arm behind his head to stretch the other, melting as his overworked muscles loosened up. It felt like absolute euphoria, nothing CHC could give.

He looked around the small room, all his siblings slept in small cots lined together. In one he could see his Roisin's red hair poking out. They all had red hair, but he knew who was who. Her broken hand was bandaged up and delicately placed by her head. How could he have ever wished she was dead? He couldn't believe he said that to Kate.

"Do you know what it feels like to wish for your sick family to die? Do you?"

As soon as he had said such a horrible thing, he realized. He never spent time with the family he was trying to feed, he never had the chance.

"Alan!" He was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Roisin waking up. Her round green eyes lit in delight to see him still there. Before he could go to sit by, he tied his long red hair as to not swing it in her face.

"Yes it's me." He said ever so playfully as he got up from his bed and sat down on hers instead.

"You're still here!" "Yes! Messrs Maw let me go for a bit, an accident happened…" He couldn't just lie to her, but if he told the truth… "Is… is it my fault?" The girl whimpered. "No no no- it's not your fault." Before she could cry, Alan took her into his arms. "How's your hand?" "It hurts a little less but…" She sniffled ever so quietly, but nothing got past her big brother. "If it's about work, it's okay, we'll think of something, but you don't have to think about it right now." He gently patted her back, hushing her worries away. "Ahhh, I'm tired again…" "Alright, I'll put you back, is there anything you want to eat?" "Hmmmm, I heard Maeve wanted raisin pudding… let's eat that together."

With that she finally dozed off. Alan placed her back into bed and pulled the blankets over her.

It felt like a normal day, he brushed his teeth, showered, and got dressed. Yet everything was much slower, it gave him time to soak it in.

The pantry was empty like usual, that just wouldn't do. The Maws had given him a little extra money for his troubles alongside the paid leave. He could go out to buy food and a little extra for his sisters.

"Alan!" "Alan!" A duet of voices chimed, Sean and Maeve had caught him in the kitchen. "Calm down you two! Everyone else is still asleep." He bent down to reach their eyes, giving them small pats on the head. "Do you two want to go out with me?" "Yes yes yes! Where are we going?" "It's a little boring, but we have to go buy food again." "We'll go anywhere with Alan!"

Holding their small hands in his own calloused ones reminded him of why he tolerated it all in the first place. He really did love them with his heart, and he missed this feeling.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Messrs Maw, he should go pay a visit. "Alan don't you work there?" "I wanna see!" "You two, I'm sure there's better places to be." "No, we wanna go!" The children's voices brought the attention of Mrs. Maw from behind the storefront. "Alan?" "Y-yes ma'am?" Her shrill voice always commanded him, he still felt guilty for what he did. "I hope you're doin' well. It looks like you are." "Yes ma'am. Thank you so much for letting me go…" "You can thank Kate for that. I'm just relieved you're not broken beyond repair there." "I'll stay off of it, I'm sorry for leaving." "It's fine, it was about time. Take care." And she left as fast as she came. He'll stay off of many things now, he will in fact, take care.

[falsebooles123]

Finding The First Gay Kiss - Diary of a Big Ole Gay 1/7/23

Edit: Yes I know that I published this three days late, suck my dick.

Hey Whores, Today I am sad, not because of movies but just because being unemployed is depressing and I am someone who deals with ... that sort of thing.

(also thank you tumblr for checking on my mental health, you real for that)

I don't like to talk about my depression because honestly its not that bad like compared to some peoples, like I can always get out of bed in the morning, I'm not suicidal. Its just sometimes even when everything in life is fine I just have no energy and I want to cry for no reason. or I sleep for 10 hours everynight and I still feel tired.

and I know that my pain and sickness is valid as much as everyone elses but I feel that I'm stealing valor for being someone with like mild depression symptoms. What I'm saying is that I'm a fake emo.

(go on fuck me emo boy go on fuck me emo boy, wait what was I doing...)

Its Day 4 of the job hunt and I'm typing this up before I go job hunting today but its just so hard when life sucks not to catasphize I hate this feeling of freefall, of feeling like you have slipped off of the tight rope of life and you are just falling

falling

falling

falling

sure at any moment you will either hit the net or feel every single bone in your body break simultaniously. The body eletric, a petit mort of estatic orgasmic pain before nothing.

and I know that that isn't true, i know that I am capable that I am strong, that I am more then the obstucles that get put in my way. and even if thats not true I could always be a nihilist and know that the human desire to keep on keeping on will keep my mortal flesh in pained wretcheness for awhile longer.

Well now that i was a little emo about this shit lets actually talk about the movies I watched this week. BTW I rented a bunch from my local library so thanks taxes.

Glen or Glenda (1953) dir. Edward D. Wood Jr.

Glen or Glenda is something else. On its surface its almost the transsexual Anders Die Al Aldern, complete with a psycologist and plee for sympathy, on the other hand it is a bizarre acid trip of imagery that is impossible to discribe outside of 1940s experimental film, on the third hand it is a anderson-esque autobiography work where wood confronts his own desires for transvesticism to the point that it greatly misreads the room.

This film greatly misunderstans transness, it conflates crossdressing, (which is presented as a fruedian fetishism for lace and fur), with being trans and it doesn't spend a lot of time exploring either of these ideas well. Psuedo-anaylsis is applied to find the roots of their GNC and tbh a lot of this films messaging is outdated.

However I have also had the good fortune of reading a book on the subject, (the name escapes me and I'm to lazy to look it up), and a lot of the way that transness is discussed is period accurate. A lot of people that were getting medical care, (including the influential christina jorgensine), were doing so because of hormone inbalances or because they were intersex. transmedicalism has been the bread and butter of trans health care and while I absolutely don't support it political for a variety of reasons it is the framework people had at the time. The notion of gender identity or even dsyphoria, (are modern transmedical metric)), are woefully modern.

that being said it should also be noted that a lot of people really didn't care about the distinction insofar as it purtained to being part of the queer community. The desire to be GNC was seen in itself enough and our distictions of queer identity are also more modern in the same way that before the 1970s bisexual wasn't a weirdly used label or the notion of asexuals, (who were under the bi umbrella), didn't politically branch off until the 1990s or later.

I don't want to excuse the politics of this film but I do think it is a queer work, dealing with one mans experience of bigotry and trying to heart-felt make an acceptance piece. The fact that this film is so deragated, not by a trans audience, but by a mainstream one, to me comes off as aggresively queerphobic.

I am not going to say that this film gets to be in the cult status of problematic faves like RHPS or its even more problamatic cousin Hedwig and the Angry Inch but I do think that it is being cut from a very similar cloth.

The Detective (1968) dir. Gordon Douglas

At some piont around the 60s and into the 70s Crime Prods went into this almost ACAB era, where instead of explicet copaganda, (y'know like the post-9/11 stuff), they were shown as almost anti-villians and this film is no different.

Usually this gets compared to Serpico or Victim, I don't watch a lot of '60s films so it reminds me of Cruising(1980) which came out later on.

Basically ol blue eyes is a third generation pig and he's investigating the murder of a gay man. but see hes one of the good guys because he doesn't think its nice to call the queers f*ggots, oh and be clear the pigs are very homophobic in this. they love calling us fags and fudgepackers and fairy queens and who the fuck knows what else.

But see Sinatra is a good guy so he only emotional abuses his unfaithful wife a little, and also totally didn't beat a confession out of a innocent man and get him sent to jail.

Its differcult with these films because on one hand pigs are pigs and its at least honest but on the other hand these films do glorify this violence. I don't know i'm not a film scholar, (I say as I write my academic ass essay on this subject).

I do want to rewatch Cruising at some point one causes its very hot.

(i literally had to type in the year and director because tumblr won't let me search for Cruising. What if I want to see a man get sucked off in the bushes tumblr-bumbly thats my progative)

and second because the film I feel has a more neutral idea of cops. I think that depicting them as all racist pigs and all good guys as a gun is a disservice. Being the jack boot thug of the regime is obvious a moral gray area and while I refuse to sympathize with shit like "The boy in the stripe pajamas" I do have some interest in see people deal with a corrupt system.

Rope (1948) dir. Alfred Hitchcock

There Lesbians Harold.

so first before I discribe this film let me first discuss how gay the origins of this are. For those not in the know Rope is based off of a 1929 play Ropes End, (well in the broadway run), which in turn was inspired by the case of Leopald and Loeb.

There were two young students, (teenaged at the time I believe), who murdered a 14 year old boy because they had read too much nietzche

Not only were the two murderes but it turned out that they were indeed gay lovers, with the sexual relationship feeding into the more toxic dom/sub aspect of the killing team, (OK I watched a lot of criminal minds and they fit the model to a tee).

this of course was tawdry and shocking and of course it feeled the fucked up imaginations of people and so the gay codependence of these two murderers found there way into Ropes End which dramaticised the events.

This was then picked up somewhere by Alfred Hitchcock and given to Arthur Laurents, also gay, (btw according to wikipedia he got set up with his partner by Gore Vidal of all people).

Also both of the main actors in this John Dall and Farley Granger were MLM. Another fun fact was that the Prof, (who was explicitely a daddy in the play), was originally offered to Cary Grant, a man who has never been accused of liking other men. He turned it down supposedly to the queer intonations of the work, (I want to be clear that Grant has stared in other queer works but thats not the point).

Laurents discusses in Rope Unleased (which was nicely enough included as an extra on the DVD I borrowed from the ibrary), how the whole movie was about "It" and everyone was in on it. And it kinda is.

The Murder scene is sexual, with the men holding up Davids prostate body, one with there hands around his throat, the other having his hand inside the jacket feeling his heart beat slowly stop. This death is in someway Le Petit Mort.

Laurents says once again in the doc

"Hitchcock was fascinated by the fact that they were gay murderers, if they were gay he wouldn't care, if they were murderers, but both"

(I'm paraphrasing here)

and this film conflates murder with sex in a way that is palpable. The body becomes almost this symbol of there homosexuality something that can be revealed and outed. Theres another prescient quote by Dom Prof along the lines of

"You Know Phillip, I wish I could come Straight out with what I know

Unfortunetly I don't know any, I merely Suspect"

and lets be clear there is a lot of lines in this work that have that kind of double meaning.

This Movie is gay, it is so fucking gay and everyone knew what they were doing. Good Shit.

Michael (1924) dir. Carl Theodor Dreyer

Michael as has been stated before on this blog is based off of the 1902 novel by Herman Bang. This film is a lot more explicet in the plot probably for the fact that this film wasn't mostly lost. Theres more drama with the characters and overall its basically about a guy whose boyfriend/little starts getting bamboozled by this scammer and ruins his life because of it. Its in a weirdly weird way Its about toxic queer love but like in a way thats not problematic. Which is nice.

What I mean by that is that in modern queer storys tend to have a lot of gay trauma, its a lot of repression and homophobia and people being called faggots and dying of aids.

(you get what I'm getting at)

However in this film its more that these gay people just have like a toxic relationship that has fuck all to do with being gay. Its straight people nonsense but for people who are not straight. Which is honestly kinda refreshing.