#yes he's socially anxious and uncertain and is said to have a gentle soul but... dropping him into the Goldie archetype shaves down a LOT

[captainofthetidesbreath]

I feel like some people putting Phineas MidstPodcast into the "nervous golden retriever from the shelter" box did significant damage to the way he's seen and thought of and talked about in portions of the fandom.

[ariela-of-aedyr]

Old Home, New Beginning

Wanted to try something a little bit different, and so decided to write a completely post-Deadfire thing for Ari for the first time ever, to show where I eventually envision her ending up (at least until any future Pillars games contradict me, anyhow)

My Dearest Husband,

It appears that your trip abroad was rather ill-timed, for it means you have missed much drama and intrigue courtesy of the estate across the road. The young Lady Rosethorn has returned! Aymon's youngest- the Glamfellan girl who disappeared all of those years ago- returned rather unexpectedly, late in the evening no more than two weeks ago. She was joined a few hours later by another hooded elven figure, all rather mysteriously, and by the morning, Aymon's oldest girl- Tamwith- was being led from the grounds in shackles by the town guard, along with her husband and a number of Aymon's nephews. For much of of the next day, we watched as groups of people made their way out of the estate, arms laden with bags and possessions and uncertain expressions upon their faces, as if having been told to leave and never return. Most of the family's long-term guests, as well as a large section of the estate staff, were amongst those who left, and any who did not quietly filter out of the grounds were intercepted and forcibly removed by what remained of the family's personal guard.

Word reached us a couple of days later that Aymon Rosethorn passed away that night- the result of long-term poisoning, according to the physician who attended him- though how his daughter could possibly have known such a thing was going to happen, despite having been away from the family for so long, Wael only knows. The estate was closed to visitors, and all went quiet for a few days as those who remained inside entered a period of mourning.

Things remained quiet and much the same for just long enough that the events had begun to fade from recent memory, when another unexpected happening occurred. A small retinue of guards, wearing the heraldry of some Thayn or another, were allowed entry to the estate- the first to be granted an audience since the arrival of Aymon's youngest. There appeared to be no visiting dignitary amongst them, however, only a small orlan girl- of all people- who could not have been more than 6 or 7. The Glamfellan girl met this strange group at the gate with a wide smile, hugging and kissing the orlan with a deep look of relief, whilst a dark haired sceltrfolc man looked on. Whether the man is the young Lady Rosethorn's bodyguard or lover is uncertain, but from what I have seen of the newcomers over the past few days, he seems to scarcely leave her side.

Already changes are happening; a call went out a couple of days ago, looking for staff to fill the roles of those who were made to leave, and all manner of folk have been coming and going ever since; a section of the front wall has been demolished, and a number of workers- aided by the Lady Rosethorn and her young orlan acquaintance- appear to be in the process of setting up a vegetable garden for the use of the community; there has even been talk of sightings of a folk man having joined our new neighbours, speaking a language that none seem to recognise!

Whilst I hope that your trip is going well, my dear, I am anxious for you to return home, so that we might both watch these proceedings together. Who knows what might happen next!

--

Ariela let out a long, contented sigh, leaning her head back and half closing her eyes as she took a moment to enjoy the atmosphere. It was warm- that specific kind of temperature that she'd always loved growing up but that she had almost come to forget in the years that she had been away from Aedyr. The slightest of breezes ruffled her hair and kissed her face, and she could hear the sound of familiar birdsong somewhere off in the distance. 

She had never thought that this place could be a home to her again, and yet sitting there in the garden where she had played as a child, surrounded by familiar sights and sounds and sensations, she couldn't help but feel as though she had never been away. That, despite everything, this place had never really left her heart.

"Now that's a right bonny smile, lass. 's a good look on ye."

Ariela opened one eye, slowly, reluctantly, and then the other; directing her attention off towards the doorway that led out into the garden from the main house, a little ways away from her position, and finding her lover approaching, hair tied back from his face, and Iselmyr's cheeky smile playing across his lips. "But when I said I'd like tae see ye get dirty, this wasnae what I had in mind."

"Iselmyr!" Ariela's exasperated chiding was accompanied by the involuntary flushing of her cheeks, and a sharp look that she hoped landed somewhere in the vicinity of disapproving. Based on the way her lover's eyes twinkled as if she had only amplified Iselmyr's mood, however, she figured that either her point hadn't gotten across, or the woman just didn't care.

By Ariela's side, Vela tilted her head thoughtfully, before turning her attention fully away from the flowers that she was helping to plant, to regard Iselmyr with a curious expression. "Did you mean you wanted to help Mama with craft time? That can get pretty messy."

"Yes." Aloth assured, quickly re-emerging with a somewhat horrified look, and bobbing his head up and down emphatically. "Yes. That is most certainly what she meant."

"Hmm... Well, Mama said we can do some art tomorrow so I'm sure Iselmyr can join in, too. Right, Mama?"

"Right." Patting the soil down around the flower that she had planted- a pink carnation, which had long been her father's favourite- Ariela pulled herself back to her feet, grabbing up a cloth from beside her, and wiping the worst of the dirt from her hands as she and Aloth closed the distance between one another. "It's so odd having the two of you here. The life I had before I met you, before I found Vela; it's like it belonged to someone else."

"Well, you did go through a lot all at once." Aloth remarked, reaching out to brush back some stray strands of her hair from her face, a soft smile on his face as he regarded her, though she noted he carefully kept her at an arm's length to prevent any of the soil on her hands and clothes from getting on him. "You became a Watcher, had your soul Awakened..."

"...Got myself a keep, was killed by a God, and then resurrected by another..."

"Well, I'd rather not dwell on that part. I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost you forever."

"Nor I you." She tilted her face a little, leaning into his touch to caress his hand with her cheek, whilst keeping her dirty hands by her sides, and away from him as best she could. A sly smile began to spread across her face. "Though I'm sure you would have been just fine, Engferth. You probably would never have known any different."

"I would have eventually. And I am glad that it never came to be." He went quiet for a long time, hand still lingering against her face though his eyes wandered off. She didn't need to be a cipher to know that his mind was working, turning over some thought that he was not yet ready to voice. Vela began to hum a happy tune off behind them, but Ariela patiently waited, eyes fixed on her lover's face until he was ready to speak again. "You know that you are under no obligation to remain here, don't you? If this is not what you want."

"I do. I know that. I just... I don't really know what I want." Despite the uncertainty in her words, Ariela couldn't help but smile. "But I think that this is a good place to be right now. It's a safe, stable home for Vela.... or, well, it will be once I finish rooting out my sister's co-conspirators from the family's social circle, anyhow. I can do what I always wanted to when I was young; use my family's status to help others. And once things are sorted here and start to settle down, I can start helping you out with your Leaden Key Hunt.... um, if you would like my help with that, that is." 

"I would always welcome your help. And your company." 

Rising up on her toes and clasping her hands behind her back, she pressed a gentle kiss against his lips. "Good. Oh. I guess I was wrong! I do know what I want."

"Yes?"

"Yes. I want to build us a home here. One for you and me, and Vela. And whoever else needs it." Glancing around at the estate; at the big stone house where she grew up, the sprawling, well landscaped garden, and at her daughter, sitting cross-legged on the floor, humming cheerfully, her smile widened into a grin. "This might be my past, but I think that it can also be our future."

[lady-nevermore]

Third Session Part 2 (aka the things I forgot to include).

June 6, 2017 

Meh....(this is starting to feel like a broken record/feels somewhat redundant and I’ve started to notice/become hella conscious of the fact: of how much i use the word “I” in these therapy-blogs....feeling hella self-conscious that ppl will start to think I’m hella obnoxiously: selfish, egotistical or something). >_>; .....But Anyways......

Ah yes, I remember now, well I remember telling my therapist how I tend to Separate my thoughts from how I’m feeling.....in other words when I’m feeling an emotion that I find to be too intense/overwhelming at the moment and don’t wanna deal with, I tend to avoid, bury and not think about what I’m feeling and vice versa, and just feel cold/numb.....I told my therapist that it was my coping mechanism so to speak......My therapist says that, that is really unhealthy, and that we’ll start to find another, healthier way for me to cope that isn’t me burying/repressing my emotions like that. <---- Dunno Why I felt I needed to write this down, but I do feel like it could be important for later on.

We Also talked about If I ever got the chance to say goodbye to my old Mentor/Friend, Obi-Wan and that he was the first loss/death (of someone i knew personally) that I ever experienced.....I told her (My Therapist), that I wasn’t like at his deathbed or anything when he passed away, but that I did say goodbye to him in 2010 in person, when I was 18, during my Graduation of AHS High......The last words he said to me before giving me a bear-hug, was that He was Proud of me, and that “I was gonna be fine”.......You know it’s funny, (and I haven’t even told my therapist this yet, I’ll have to remember to tell her later on) but that was the first time anyone (from well a parental-figure at least) has ever really said that they were “Proud of me”.....And I remember at age 18, feeling so damn overwhelmed (it was heartwarming really) ......and it’s not that I’m blaming my parents or anything like that......it’s just that in our family we tend to not really express a lot of our emotions, ‘Tis not really in our nature.....hell I get like hella uncomfortable/awkward whenever I cry in front of somebody, let alone seeing others cry in front of me.......But anyways, that’s beside the point, The Last words Obi-Wan said to me, face to face, was that “I was going to be fine”, and then I said good-bye, but He told me that this wasn’t good-bye, and he made me promise to come back and visit him at my old alma-mater AHS High, and I promised him I would............And dammit, I was 19 in 2011 (you see, it was during 2011, the day I created this tumblr blog and a year shortly after I graduated/and I was attending Community College) I tried, I really did try to stop by and visit, but he was out that day, off work, for a Chemotherapy treatment.....I heard the news via facebook, that he died a few months, shortly afterwards.....I promised to visit him, and even though I tried, a part of me still feels like I low-key sort of failed him in keeping that promise. *sigh* 

I also told my Therapist that I don’t like feeling forced/obligated in doing things.....the more I’m forced/feel obligated/ coerced to do something, the more I internally rebel (example going to church when I was a youngling, aka when I was more an atheist/agnostic and against the idea of being immensely religiously Catholic like the rest of my family/extended family, this includes my Aunt C)....Things have changed, and even though I pride myself, and prefer to being tolerant, liberal-minded, open-minded, I’ve come to terms with trying to have an open-mind, and thereby get close to God (cause Obi-wan was quite a spiritual/ religious guy and In someway I sorta wanna feel connected to him) and in being semi-religious/agnostic and trying to get in touch in having/attempting to have faith again (spiritually at least......after all I’m absolutely fascinated and love learning about lore, myths, other cultures and their mythologies/religions, and spiritual beliefs) and so far..... I feel a sense of peace, soooo so far so good?......But .Yeah trust me I know I’m stubborn......But yeah, If I’m gonna do something it’s going to be on my terms, because I wanted to. 

I also told my Therapist that there were moments , in the past, where I felt really exhausted always feeling like I need to be perfect (the perfect student, the teacher’s pet, living up to the expectations that my parents, teachers and even old high-school friends had of me, not to mention my own personal high expectations that I held against myself)....My Therapist says I need to figure out who I want be and what I want do with my life, but that it’s important that it’s via “on my own terms”. ....I Told her that might be sorta difficult because I have a really hard time with being/or feeling uncertain or dealing with changes in life....but that I can, at the very least acknowledge and recognize that, that is always gonna be a part of, and how life just is. 

I also told her that I have had, and probably still have a hard time when it comes to emotionally reaching out to family, friends, people.....because it makes me feel “trapped/obligated” into the commitment of emotionally putting myself out there and emotionally investing myself into a relationship.....and I told her that I try to fight against this anxious feeling in spite of it telling me otherwise (probably has something to do with my trust issues), and that I’m also not sure if this becuase I’m an introvert (because I do feel exhausted when dealing with a huge group of people, socializing....unless I really trust and really know them, and even then it still takes a lot of my energy...tend to prefer quieter moments to myself or with a few seldom people in order to recharge.

My therapist also told me something that rings quite true to me (cause my old Mentor Obi-Wan used to say the same thing); “To control what you can control, Don’t try to control what you can’t”......In other words: Try to choose and be in control of how I choose to respond/react to things/situations that give me anxiety and the like, rather than allowing that anxious feeling to overtake and control how I react/feel. Gonna try really hard to keep that in mind. 

We talked a bit about how my old high-school friends really meant the world to me (that they were a really bright light in my life), and that includes Obi-Wan’s Wife, let’s call her: Lady Obi-Wan, who has such a gentle and kind soul, and whom is someone I really trust, and that is someone (that is if I ever get better or feel ready in the future to face her and a slew other of old faces) that I sort of still to want to reconnect with, but we’ll see...I did tell me therapist that i feel ashamed/guilty that i turned my back on them/cut them out of my life......but that I dunno if I’m truly blaming myself for my actions or If I should be blaming my depression for causing me to make that choice......It wasn’t something I’m proud of me.....my old-high school friends deserved better than that, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like we (most of us) were sort of already drifting apart there in the end, after all they all went and gone to college, made their own lives, and we all parted ways.......I told my therapist lke I sometimes feel like I’m sorta stuck in the past.......and that I would find it easier, and would love nothing more than to just let go of the past and start/begin anew.....And even though on some level that’s already what I’m doing now via going to therapy, making friends here on tumblr, I may still want to face old faces of my past and at the very least explain and owe them an apology, and maybe, just maybe pluck up the courage to reconnect with a few old friends (at the very least Lady Obi-Wan and a few others).  But we’ll see....dunno if I even ready to face that slew of confrontations. *sigh* ......Welp, If anything, I’ve learned a great deal from these past experiences, and I’ve personally vowed to at least try harder in trying to not distant myself, and to cherish and keep my current tumblr-friendships, here on tumblr, and any future friendships I make in the future (after all if there’s anything I value high above anything else it’s: friendship, camaraderie and loyalty), and I also vowed to never repeat the same mistakes (regardless of my anxiety/depression/issues telling me, to flee, or otherwise), lest I tarnish my word and may never be willing to forgive myself for betraying another set of friends.  

*Side-Note*: One thing I haven’t told my therapist yet, is that whenever my social anxiety/anxiety acts up (or when I’m having a hard time in expressing myself, especially verbally), it causes me to appear (in real-life): Snobbish, stand-offish, cold, or worse annoyingly pushy, and high-strung, .........and these are things/aspects of myself that I sometimes still have/behave as, but were waaaaaay more prevalent when I was a dumb-teenager, that tbh, I have never really liked and low-key hate about myself....And it is something that I’m consciously trying to work on and am trying to not appear or behave/act like that. 

I’ve told my Therapist that I’m writing down my experiences in therapy here on this Tumblr blog, and that I have a few online (tumblr friends)....She says that that is a good idea (in order to help keep track of my progress) and she sorta jotted down the name of the site: tumblr.....and I’m not gonna lie, but I sorta got low-ley nervous/paranoid about that.....but ah well. lol ^^;

*Things to Keep in Mind* She told me to keep going with my breathing exercises (there were a few days I’ve sorta forgot this past week, mostly cause of Jay’s Graduation/Me trying to find her the perfect gift...But I’ma try to stick with it regardless)....Oh, right and to try to write/jot down what situation I think is causing me to feel anxious/depressed/melancholy during the that moment. 

*sigh* Why do these always feel like it takes ages for me articulate, forge and to write.....probably cause I tend to overfocus/be hella meticulous about even the tiniest of details.....(need to learn how to chill and pace myself). meh xP

Anyways, I swear If I forgot anything else, which knowing me I probably did, I’ll try to remember to include it in the next therapy-session blog....My next session isn’t till June 19, so in the meantime, I’ll continue my “Letters to No One” Side Therapy- blogs, aka the blogs where I anonymously write letters to my old high school friends, mentors, or people I knew from the past but not actually send them (in order to vent, reminisce, letting go of the past, look back on fondly, decipher and figure out situations and myself from the past, etc). 

Links of my personal journey of going through therapy, & other personal things:

Therapy Blogs (My Main Journey of going through Therapy).

Letters to No One (Therapy Side-Blogs).

Tumblr Surveys (Personal stuff If You want to get know more about me).

Extra Links (If I’m not on Tumblr, I’m usually on here, so add me if you wish):

My Twitter

My Anime Page List 

Anyways, thanks for listening my dears! (^-^)b

And thank you two: @angelotics and @theamazingflyinglion  , for the moral support thus far, as well as for our lovely little chats, you guys have no idea how much they really help and mean to me *hugs you both* :)

- Lady Nevermore